Sir Patient Fancy:

A
Comedy

As it is Acted at the
Duke’s Theatre.

Written by Mrs. A. Behn, the Authour
of the Rover.

Licenced 1678-01-28Jan. 28. 1678. Roger l’Estrange.

London,
Printed by E. Flesher for Richard Tonson, within
Grays-Inn-gate in Grays-Inn-lane, and Jacob
Tonson
, at the Judge’s Head in
Chancery-lane. 16781678.

A1r
Decorative block with face in center.

To the
Reader.

I Printed this Play with all the impatient haste one ought
to do, who would be vindicated from the most unjst
and silly aspersion, Woman could invent to cast on Woman;
and which only my being a Woman has procured
me; That it was Baudy, the least and most Excusable fault in
the Men writers, to whose Plays they all crowd, as if they came
to no other end then to hear what they condemn in this: but
from a Woman it was unnaturall:
but how so Cruell an unkindness
came into their imaginations I can by no means guess; unless
by those whose Lovers by long absence, or those whom Age
or Ugliness have rendered a little distant from those things they
would fain imagin here — But if such as these durst profane
their Chast ears with hearing it over again, or taking it into
their serious Consideration in their Cabinets; they would find
nothing that the most innocent Virgins can have cause to blush
at: but confess with me that no Play either Ancient or Modern
has less of that Bug-bear Bawdry in it. Others to show
their breeding (as Bays sayes,) cryed it was made out of at least A four A1v
four French Plays, when I had but a very bare hint from one, the
Malad Imagenere, which was given me translated by a Gentleman
infinitely to advantage: but how much of the French is in
this, I leave to those who do indeed understand it and have seen
it at the Court. The Play had no other Misfortune but that of
coming out for a Womans: had it been owned by a Man, though
the most Dull Unthinking Rascally Scribler in Town, it had
been a most admirable Play. Nor does it’sits loss of Fame with the
Ladies do it much hurt, though they ought to have had good
Nature and justice enough to have attributed all its faults to the
Authours unhappiness, who is forced to write for Bread and not
ashamed to owne it, and consequently ought to write to please
(if she can) an Age which has given severall proofs it was
by this way of writing to be obliged, though it is a way too
cheap for men of wit to pursue, who write for Glory, and a
way which even I despise as much below me.

Pro- A2r

Prologue,
Spoken by Mr. Betterton

Mr. Betterton [Speaker label not present in original source]

We write not Now as th’ Ancient Poets writ.

For your Applause of Nature, Sense and Wit;

But, like good Tradesmen, what’s in fashion vent,

And Cozen you, to give ye all Content.

True Comedy, writ even in Dryden’s style,

Will hardly raise your Humours to a smile:

Long did his Sovereign Muse the Scepter sway,

And long with joy you did true Homage pay;

But now, like happy States luxurious grown,

The Monarch Wit unjustly you dethrone,

And a Tyrannick Commonwealth prefer,

Where each small Wit starts up and claims his share;

And all those Lawrels are in pieces torn,

Which did ere while one sacred Head adorn.

Nay, even tho Women, now, pretend to reign,

Defend us from a Poet Joan again:

That Congregation’s in a hopefull way

To Heaven, where the Lay-sisters Preach and Pray,

Oh the great blessing of a little wit,

I’ve seen an elevated Poet sit

And hear the Audience laugh and clap, yet say,

Gad after all ’tis a a damn’d silly Play:

He unconcern’d crys onely――is it so?

No matter these unwitty things will doe,

When your fine fustian use less Eloquence

Serves but to chime a sleep a drowsie Audience.

Who at the vast Expence of wit would treat

That might so cheaply please the Appetite?

Such homely fare you’re like to find to night,

Our Author

Knows better how to juggle then to write:

Alas! a Poet’s good for nothing now,

Unless he have the knack of conjuring too;

For ’tis beyond all natural sense to guess

How their strange Miracles are brought to pass.

Your Presto Jack be gone, and come again,

With all the Pocus Art of Legerdemain,

Your dancing Tester, Nut-meg and your Cups,

Out-does your Heroes and your Amorous fops,

And if this chance to please you, by that rule,

He that writes Wit is much the greater Fool.

A2 The A2v

The Actors Names.

Mr. Anthony Leigh, Sir Patient Fancy, An old Rich Alderman, and
one that fancies himself always
Sick.
.

Mr. Crosby, Leander Fancy His Nephew, in Love with
Lucretia.

Mr. Betterton, Wittmore, Gallant to the Lady Fancy, a
wild young Fellow of a
small Fortune.

Mr. Smith, Lodwick Knowell, Son to the Lady Knowell, in
Love with Isabella
.

Mr. Nokes, Sir Credulous Easy A Foolish Devon-shire Knight,
design’d to Marry Lucretia
.

Mr. Richards, Curry, His Groom.

Roger Footman to the Lady Fancy.

Five Doctors.

Six Servants to Sir Patient.

Ballad Singers and Serenaders.

Page to the Lady Knowell.

Women.

Mrs. Corrar, The Lady Fancy, Young Wife to Sir Patient.

Mrs. Gwin, The L. Knowell, An Affected Learned Woman,
Mother to Lodw. and Isabella.

Mrs. Price, Lucretia, Daughter to the Lady Knowell.

Mrs. Betterton, Isabella, Daughter to Sir Patient Fancy.

Fanny, A Child of 7 years old, Daughter
to Sir Patient Fancy.

Mrs. Gibbs,Maundy. The Lady Fancy’s Woman.

Betty Waiting-woman to Isabella.

Scene,
London,
in two Houses.
Sir B1r 1

Sir Patient Fancy:
A
Comedy.

Act the First.

Scene the First.

A Roome. Enter Lucretia with Isabella.

Isab.

’Tis much I owe to fortune, my dear Lucretia,
for being so kind to make us Neighbours,
where with ease we may continually exchange
our Souls and thoughts without the attendance
of a Coach, and those other little Formalities
that make a business of a visit, it looks so like a Journey
I hate it.

Lucr.

Attendance is that Curse to Greatness that confines the
Soul, and spoils good Humour; we are free whilst thus alone, and
can laugh at the abominable Fopperies of this Town.

Isab.

And lament the numberless impertinences wherewith
they continually plague all young Women of Quality.

Lucr.

Yet these are the pretious things our grave Parents still
chuse out to make us happy with, and all for a filthy Jointure, the
undeniable argument for our slavery to Fools.

Isab.

Custom is unkind to our Sex, not to allow us free choice,
but we above all Creatures must be forced to endure the formal
recommendations of a Parent; and the more insupportable Addresses
of an Odious Foppe, whilst the Obedient Daughter
stands――thus――with her Hands pinn’d before her, a set B look, B1v 2
look, few words, and a meine that cries――come marry me;
out upon’t

Lucr.

I perceive then what-ever your Father designes, you are
resolv’d to love your own way.

Isab.

Thou maist lay thy Maiden-head upon’t, and be sure of
the misfortune to win.

Lucr.

My Brother Lodwick’s like to be a happy man then.

Isab.

Faith my dear Lodwick or no body in my heart, and I
hope thou art as well resolv’d for my Cozen Leander.

Lucr.

Here’s my hand upon’t I am, yet there’s something sticks
upon my Stomack, which you must know.

Isab.

Spare the Relation, for I have observ’d of late your Mother
to have order’d her Eyes with some softness, her mouth endeavouring
to sweeten it self into smiles and dimples, as if she
meant to recall Fifteen again and give it all to Leander, for at
him she throws her Darts.

Lucr.

Is’t possible thou shou’dst have perceiv’d it already?

Isab.

Long since.

Lucr.

And, now I begin to love him, ’twou’d vex me to see
my Mother Marry him, ――well I shall never call him Father.

Isab.

He’l take care to give himself a better title.

Lucr.

This Devonshire Knight too who is recommended to my
Mother as a fit Husband for me, I shall be so tormented with—
My Brother swears he’s the pertest unsufferable Fool he ever
saw, when he was at my Uncles last Summer he made all his
Diversion.

Isab.

Prethee let him make ours now, for of all Fops your
Countrey Fop is the most tolerable Animal; those of the Town
are the most unmanagable Beasts in Nature.

Lucr.

And are the most noysie, keeping Fops?

Isab.

Keeping begins to be as ridiculous as Matrimony, and is
a greater imposition upon the liberty of man, the Insolence and
Expence of their Mistresses has almost tir’d out all but the Old
and Doting part of man-kind; The rest begin to know their
value, and set a Price upon a good shape, a tolerable Face and
Mein,――and some there are who will have made excellent Bargains
for themselves that way, and will flatter ye and gilt ye an Antiquated
Lady as artfully as the most experienc’d Miss of ’em
all.

Lucr. B2r 3

Lucr.

Lord, Lord! what will this World come to, ―― but this
Mother of mine,――Isabella. Sighs.

Isab.

Is discreet and vertuous enough, a little too affected, as
being the most learned of her Sex.

Lucr.

Methinks to be read in the Arts as they call ’em, is the
peculiar Province of the other Sex.

Isab.

Indeed the men wou’d have us think so, and boast their
Learning, and Languages, but if they can find any of our Sex
fuller of words, and to so little purpose as some of their Gownmen,
I’le be content to change my Petticoats for Pantiloons and
go to a Grammar-school.

Lucr.

Oh they’r the greatest Babelards in Nature.

Isab.

They call us Easy, and Fond, and charge us with all weakness,
but look into their Actions of Love, State, or War, their
roughest business, and you shall find ’em sway’d by some who
have the luck to find their feables; witness my Father, a man
reasonable enough, till drawn away by doting Love and Religion:
what a Monster my young Mother makes of him, Flatter’d
him first into Matrimony, and now into what sort of Fool or
Beast she pleases to make him.

Lucr.

I wonder she does not turn him to Christianity, methinks
a Conventicle should ill agree with her humour.

Isab.

Oh she finds it the only way to secure her from his suspicion,
which if she do not e’re long give him cause for, I am
mistaken in her Humour, ――but see your Enter L. Knowel
and Leander.

Mother and my Cozen Leander, who seems,
poor man, under some great Consternation, for he looks as gravely
as a Lay-elder conducting his Spouse from a Sermon.

La. Kno.

Oh Fy upon’t. See Mr. Fancy where your Cozen and
my Lucretia are idling, dii boni, what an insupportable loss of
time’s this?

Lean.

Which might be better imploy’d if I might instruct ’em
Madam.

La. Kno.

Aye Mr. Fancy, in Consultation with the Antients,
――Oh the delight of Books! when I was of their age, I always
imploy’d my looser hours in reading,――if serious, ’twas Tacitus,
Seneca, Plutarch’s Morals, or some such useful Author; if in
an Humour gay, I was for Poetry, Virgil, Homer, or Tasso, Oh
that Love between Renaldo and Armida Mr. Fancy! Ah the
Caresses that fair Corceris gave, and received from the young B2 Warrier B2v 4
Warrier, ah how soft, Delicate and tender! upon my Honour I
cannot read them in the Excellence of their Original Language,
without I know not what Emotions.

Lean.

Methinks ’tis very well in our Mother tongue Madam.

La.K.

O Faugh Mr. Fancy what have you said, Mother tongue!
Can any thing that’s great or moving be exprest in filthy English,
――I’le give you an Energetical proof Mr. Fancy, observe
but Divine Homer in the Grecian Language――Ton d’apamibominus,
Prosiphe, Podis Ochus Achilleus
! ah how it sounds! which
English’t dwindles into the most grating stuff: ――then the swift
Foot Achilles made reply, ――oh faugh.

Lucr.

So now my Mother’s in her right Sphere.

La. Kn.

Come Mr. Fancy we’le pursue our first design of retiring
into my Cabinet and reading a leaf or two in Martiall, I
am a little dull and wou’d fain laugh.

Lean.

Methinks Madam discourse were much better with these
young Ladyes. Dear Lucretia find some way to release me. Aside.

La. Kn.

Oh how I hate the impertinance of women, who for
the generality have no other knowledge then that of dressing, I
am uneasy with the unthinking Creatures.

Lucr.

Indeed ’tis much better to be Entertaining a young Lover
alone, but I’le prevent her if possible. Aside.

La. Kn.

No, I am for the substantiall pleasure of an Author.
Philosophemur! is my Motto, ――I’m strangely fond of you
Mr. Fancy, for being a Scholar.

Lean.

Who Madam I a scholar? the greatest Dunce in Nature,
――Malicious Creatures will you leave me to her mercy? To them aside.

Lucr.

Prethee assist him in his misery, for I am Mudd, and can
doe nothing towards it. Aside.

Isab.

Who my Cozen Leander a Scholar Madam?

Lucr.

Sure He’s too much a Gentleman to be a Scholar.

Isab.

I Vow Madam he spells worse then a Country Farryer
when he Prescribes a Drench.

Lean.

Then Madam I write the lewdest hand!

Isab.

Worse then a Politician or a States-man.

Lucr.

He cannot read it himself when he has done.

Lean.

Not a word on’t Madam.

La. Kn.

This agreement to abuse him, I understand――Aside.
――Well then Mr. Fancy, let’s to my Cabinet――your hand.

Lean. B3r 5

Lean.

Now shall I be teas’d unmercifully,――I’le waite on you
Madam. Exit Lady.
――Find some means to redeem me or I shall be Mad. Exit. Lean.

Enter Lodwick.

Lod.

Hah my dear Isabella here, and without a spy? what a
blessed opportunity must I be forc’t to lose, for there is just now
arriv’d My Sisters Lover, whom I am oblig’d to receive, but if
you have a mind to laugh a little――

Isab.

Laugh! why are you turn’d Buffoon, Tumbler or Presbyterian
Precher.

Lod.

No, but there’s a Creature below more ridiculous then
either of these.

Lucr.

For loves sake what sort of Beast is that?

Lod.

Sir Credulous Easie your new Lover just come to Town
Bag and Baggage, and I was going to acquaint my Mother with it.

Isab.

You’l find her well imploy’d with my Cozen Leander.

Lucr.

A happy opportunity to Free him, but what shall I doe
now Brother!

Lod.

Oh let me alone to ruine him with my Mother, get you
gon, I think I hear him coming, and this apartment is appointed for
him.

Lucr.

Prethee haste then and free Leander, we’l into the Garden.
Exeunt Lucr. and Isab.

A Chair and
a Table.
Enter Sir Credulous in a riding habit, Curry his
Groom carrying a Portmantle.

Lod.

Yes――tis the Right Worshipfull, I’le to my Mother with
the news. Exit Lod.

Sir Cred.

Come undoe my Portmantue and Equip me that I may
look like somebody before I see the Ladies.――Curry,Thou shalt
e’ne remove now Curry from Groom to Footman, for I’le ne’re
keep Horse more, no, nor Mare neither since my Poor Gillian’s
departed this life.

Cur.

’Ds diggers, Sir, you have griev’d enough for your Mare
in all conscience, think of your Mistress now Sir, and think of
her no more.

Sir Cred.

Not think of her? I shall think of her whilst I live,
poor Fool, that I shall, though I had forty Mistresses!

Curr.

Nay to say truth Sir, ’twas a good natur’ed Civil beast, B3 and B3v 6
and so she remain’d to her last gasp, for she cou’d never have left
this world in a better time, as the saying is, so near her journeys
End.

Sir Cred.

A Civil Beast? Why was it Civilly done of her
thinkest thou to dye at Branford, when had she liv’d till to
morrow, she had been converted into Mony and have been in my
Pocket? for now I am to Marry and live in town, I’le sell off all
my Pads; poor Fool, I think she e’ne died for grief I wou’d have
sold her.

Curr.

’Twas unlucky to refuse Parson Cuffets wifes money
for her Sir.

Sir Cred.

Aye, and to refuse her another kindness too that
shall be nameless which She offer’d me, and which wou’d have
given me good luck in horse-flesh too, Zoz I was a modest fool
that’s truth on’t.

Curr.

Well well Sir, her time was come you must think, and
we are all Mortal as the saying is.

Sir Cred.

Well ’twas the lovingst titt,――but grass and hay she’s
gon――where be her shooes Curry?

Curr.

Here Sir, her Skin went for good Ale at Branford. gives him the shooes.

Sir Cred.

Ah! how often has she carry’d me upon these shooes
to Mother Jumbles, thou remember’st her handsome Daughter and
what pure Ale she brew’d, between one and t’other my Rent came
short home there, but let that pass too, and hang sorrow as thou
sayst, I have something else to think on. Takes his things out, lays them upon the Table.
And Curry, as soon as I am drest, go you away to St. Clements
Church-yard
, to Jackson the Cobler there!

Curr.

What your Dog-tutor Sir?

Sir Cred.

Yes, and see how my whelp proves I put to him last
Parlament.

Curr.

Yes Sir.

Enter Leander and starts back seeing Sir Cred.

Sir Cred.

And ask him what Gamesters come to the Ponds now
adays, and what good Dogs.

Curr.

Yes Sir.

Lean.

This is the Beast Lodwick spoke of; how cou’d I laugh
were he design’d for any but Lucretia! Aside.

Sir Cred. B4r 7

Sir Cred.

And dost hear, ask him if he have not sold his own
Dog Diver with the white Ear, if I can purchase him, and my own
Dog prove right, I’le be Duke of Ducking Pond ads zoz. Sir Cred. dresses himself.
Well, I think I shall be fine anon, he.

Curr.

But zo zo Sir, as the saying is, this Suit’s a little out of
fashion, ’twas made that very year I came to your Worship, which
is five Winters and as many Summers.

Sir Cred.

What then Mun, I never wear it but when I go to be
drunk and give my Voice for a Knight o’th’ shire, and here at London
in Term time, and that but Eight times in Eight Visits to
Eight several Ladies to whom I was recommended.

Curr.

I wonder that amongst Eight you got not one Sir.

Sir Cred.

Eight! Zoz I have had Eight score Mun, but the
Devil was in ’em, they were all so Forward, that before I cou’d
seal and deliver, whip quoth Jethro, they were either all Married
to some body else, or run quite away; so that I am resolv’d if
this same Lucretia prove not right, I’le e’ne forswear this Town
and all their false Wares, amongst which Zoz I believe they vent
as many false Wives as any Metropolitan in Christendom, I’l say
that for’t and a Fiddle for’t i’faith,――come give me my Watch
out,――so, My Diamond Rings too, so, I think I shall appear
pretty well all together Curry, hah?

Lean.

Like something Monstrously Ridiculous, I’l be sworn. Aside.

Curr.

Here’s your Purse of broad Gold Sir, that your Grandmother
gave you to go a wooing withall, I mean to show Sir.

Sir Cred.

Aye, for she charged me never to part with it,――so,
now for the Ladyes. `Shakes his Ribbons.

Lod.

Leander, what mak’st thou here, like Holy-day Fool gazing
at a Monster?

Enter Lodwick.

Lean.

Yes, and one I hope I have no great reason to fear.

Lod.

I am of thy opinion, away, my mother’s coming, take this
opportunity with my Sister, she’s i’ th’ Garden, and let me alone
with this Fool, for an Entertainment that shall shew him all at
once, away――Exit Lean.
Lod. goes in to Sir Cred.

Sir Cred.

Lodwick, My dear Friend! and little spark of ingeuity!
――Zoz man I’me but just come to Town. Imbrace.

Lod.

’Tis a joyful hearing Sir.

Sir Cred. B4v 8

Sir Cre.

Not so joyful neither Sir, when you shall know Poor
Gillian’s dead, My little gray Mare, thou knew’st her mun, Zoz
’thas made me as Melancholy as the Drone of a Lancashire Bagpipe,
but let that pass, and now we talk of my Mare, Zoz I long
to see this Sister of thine.

Lod.

She’l be with you presently Sir Credulous.

Sir Cre.

But hark ye, Zoz I have been so often fob’d off in
these matters, that between you and I Lodwick if I thought I
shou’d not have her, Zoz I’de ne’r lose precious time about
her.

Lod.

Right Sir, and to say truth, these Women have so much
Contradiction in ’em, that ’tis ten to one but a man fails in the
Art of pleasing.

Sir Cre.

Why there’s it,――therefore prethee dear Lodwick
tell me a few of thy Sisters Humours, and if I fail,—then Hang
me Ladies at your door, as the Song says.

Lod.

Why faith she has many odd Humours hard enough to
hit.

Sir Cre.

Zoz let ’em be as hard as Hercules his Labours in the
Vale of Basse, I’le not be frighted from attempting her.

Lod.

Why, She’s one of those fantastick Creatures that must
be courted her own way.

Sir Cre.

Why let’s hear her way.

Lod.

She must be surpris’d with strange Extravagancies wholly
out of the Road and Method of common Court-ship.

Sir Cre.

Shaw, is that all, Zoz I’m the best in Christendom
at You’re out of the way bus’nesses,――Now do I find the
reason of all my ill success, for us’d one and the same method to
all I Courted, whatever their Humours were; Hark ye, prethee
give me a hint or two, and let me alone to manage matters.

Lod.

I have just now thought of a way that cannot but
take――

Sir Cre.

Zoz out with it man.

Lod.

Why, what if you should represent a Dumb Ambassador
from the Blind God of Love.

Sir Cre.

How, a Dumb Ambassador? Zoz man how shall I
deliver my Embassy then, and tell her how much I love her,
――besides I had a pure speech or two ready by heart, and that
will be quite lost. Aside.

Lod. C1r 9

Lod.

Phy, phy! how dull you are! why; you shall do it by
Signes, and I’le be your Interpreter.

Sir Cre.

Why faith this will be pure, I understand you now,
Zoz I am old Excellent at Signes,――I vow this will be rare.

Lod.

It will not fail to do your bus’ness if well manag’d,――
but stay, here’s my Sister, on your life not a syllable.

Enter Lean. Lucr. and Isab.

Sir Cre.

I’le be rackt first, Mum budget,
—prethee present me, I long to be at it, sure.He falls back making
Faces and Grimaces.

Lod.

Sister, I here present you with a worthy Knight, struck
dumb with Admiration of your Beauty, but that’s all one, he is
employ’d Envoy extraordinary from the blind God of Love, and
since like his young Master he must be defective in one of his
Senses, he chose rather to be Dumb then Blind.

Lucr.

I hope the small Deity is in good health Sir?

Isab.

And his Mistress Psyche Sir?

He smiles and bows
and makes Signes.

Lod.

He says that Psyche has been sick of late, but somewhat
recovered, and has sent you for a
token a pair of Jet Bracelets, and
a Cambrick Handkerchief of her own spinning with a Sentence
wrought in’t; “Heart in hand, at thy Command”.Looking every word upon Sir
Credulous
as he makes signes.

Sir Cred.

Zoz, Lodwick what do you mean? I’me the Son of
an Egyptian if I understand thee.Pulls him, he signes to
him to hold his peace.

Lod.

Come Sir, the Tokens, produce, produce,――How!
Faith I am sorry for that with all my heart,
――he says――being somewhat put to’t
on his journey, he was forc’t to Pawn the Bracelets for half a
Crown, and the handkerchief he gave his Landlady on the Road
for a kindness received,――this ’tis when people will be fooling.――He falls back, making
damnable Signes.

Sir Cred.

Why, the Devil’s in this Lodwick, for mistaking my
Signes thus, hang me if ever I thought of Bracelets or a Handkerchief,
or ever received a civility from any Woman breathing,
――is he bewitch’t trow?Aside.

Lean.

Lodwick, you are mistaken in the Knight’s meaning all
this while. Look on him Sir,――do not you guess from that look
and wrying of his mouth, that you mistook the Bracelets for Diamond
Rings, which he humbly begs, Madam, you would grace
with your fair hand.

C Lod. C1v 10

Lod.

Ah, now I perceive it plain.

Sir Cred.

A Pox of his Complement. Why this is worse than
t’other,――What shall I do in this case?――should I speak and
undeceive them, they would swear ’twere to save my Gems: and
to part with ’em――Zoz, how simply should I look?――but
hang’t, when I have married her they are my own again. Gives the Rings and falls back into Grimaces.
Leander whispers to Lodwick.

Lod.

Enough,――Then Sister she has sent you a Purse of
her own knitting, full of broad Gold,――

Sir Cre.

Broad Gold! why, what a pox does the Man Conjure?

Lod.

Which Sister faith you must accept of, you see by that
Grimace how much ’twill grieve him else.

Sir Cre.

A pretty civil way this to Rob a man,――Why Lodwick
――why what a Pox will they have no mercy,――Zoz
I’le see how far they’l drive the jest.Gives the Gold, and bowes and scrapes and screws.

Lod.

Say you so Sir? Well I’le see what may be done,――Sister,
behold him, and take pity on him, he has but one more humble
request to make you, ’tis to recieve a Gold Watch which he
designs for you from himself.

Sir Cre.

Why, how long has this fellow been a Conjurer? for
he does deal with the Devil, that’s certain,――Lodwick,――Pulls him.

Lod.

Aye do, speak and spoil all, do.

Sir Cred.

Speak and spoil all quoth he! and the Deuce take me
if I am not provok’t to’t; why, how the Devil should he light
slap dash, as they ssay, upon every thing thus? Well, Zoz, I am
resolv’d to give it her, and shame her if she have any conscience
in her.Gives his Watch with pitiful Grimaces.

Lod.

Now Sister you must know there’s a mystery in this
Watch, ’tis a kind of Hieroglyphick that will instruct you how a
Married Woman of your Quality ought to live.

Sir Cred.

How, my Watch Mysteries and Hieroglyphicks! the
Devil take me if I knew any such vertues it had.

They are all looking on the Watch.

Lod.

Beginning at 0801 < x < 0900Eight, from which down to 1201 < x < 1300Twelve you
ought to imploy in dressing, till 1401 < x < 1500Two at Dinner, till 1701 < x < 1800Five in Visits,
till 1901 < x < 2000Seven at the Play, till 2101 < x < 2200Nine i’th’ Park, at 2201 < x < 2300Ten at Supperper C2r 11
with your Lover, if your Husband be at home, or keep his
distance, which he’s too well bred not to do, then from 2201 < x < 2300Ten to
0001 < x < 0100Twelve are the happy hours of the Bergere, those of intire enjoyment.
――

Sir Cred.

Say you so? hang me if I shall not go near to think I
may chance to be a Cuckold by the shift.

Isab.

Well Sir, what must she do from 0001 < x < 0100Twelve till 0801 < x < 0900Eight again?

Lod.

Oh those are the dull Conjugal hours for sleeping with her
own Husband, and dreaming of Joys her absent Lover alone can
give her.

Sir Cred.

Nay an she be for sleeping, Zoz, I am as good at that
as she can be for her heart, or snoring either.

Lod.

But I have done; Sir Credulous has a dumb Oration to
make you by way of farther Explanation.

Sir Cred.

A dumb Oration! Now do I know no more how to
speak a dumb Speech than the Dog.

Lucr.

Oh I love that sort of Eloquence extreamly.

Lod.

I told you this would take her.

Sir Cred.

Nay, I know your silent Speeches are incomparable,
and I have such a Speech in my head.――

Lod.

Your Postures, your Postures, begin Sir.

He puts himself into a ready
Posture as if he would speak,
but onely makes faces.
Enter Page.

Pag.

Sir, My Lady desires to speak with you.To Lean.

Lean.

I’le wait on her,――a Devil on’t.――

Pag.

I have command to bring you Sir, instantly.

Lean.

This is ill luck Madam, I cannot see the Farce out, I’le
wait on you as soon as my good fortune will permit me.Goes out.

Lucr.

He’s going to my Mother, dear Isabella let’s go and hinder
their discourse: Farewel Sir Ambassador, pray remember us
to Psyche, not forgetting the little Blind Archer, ha ha ha,――Ex. laughing.

Sir Cred.

So, I have undone all, they are both gone, flown I
protest; Why what a Devil ail’d ’em? now have I been dumb all
this while to no purpose, you too never told her my meaning
right; as I hope to breath, had any but your self done this, I C2 should C2v 12
should have sworn by Helicon and all the rest of the Devils, you
had had a design to have abus’d me, and cheated me of all my
Movables too.

Lod.

What a hopefull project was here defeated by my mistake!
but Courage Sir Credulous, I’le put you in a way shall fetch
all about again.

Sir Cred.

Say you so? ah dear Lodwick let me hear it.

Lod.

Why, you shall this night give your Mistress a Serenade.

Sir Cred.

How! a Serenade!

Lod.

Yes, but it must be perform’d after an Extravagant manner,
none of your dull Amorous night-walking noises so familiar
in this Town, Lucretia loves nothing but what’s great and Extravagant,
and passes the reach of Vulgar practice.

Sir Cred.

What think you then of a silent Serenade? Zoz say
but the word and it shall be done man, let me alone for Frolicks
i’faith.

Lod.

A silent one? no that’s to wear a good Humour to the
stumps; I wou’d have this want for no noise, the Extreams of
these two adresses will set off one another.

Sir Cred.

Say you so? what think you then of the Bagpipe,
Tongs and Gridiron, Cat-calls and loud sounding Cymballs?

Lod.

Naught, naught, and of known use, you might as well
treat her with Viols and Flute-doux, which were enough to disoblige
her for ever.

Sir Cred.

Why, what think you then of the King of Bantam’s
own Musick?

Lod.

How! the King of Bantam’s Musick!

Sir Cred.

Aye Sir, the King of Bantam’s: s Friend of mine
had a Present sent him from thence, a most unheard of curiosity
I’le assure you.

Lod.

That, that by all means Sir.

Sir Cred.

Well, I’ll go borrow ’em presently.

Lod.

You must provide your self of a Song.

Sir Cred.

A Song! hang’t ’tis but rummaging the Play-Books,
stealing thence is Lawfull Prize――Well Sir Cred. your servant.Exit.

Enter Leander

Lod.

I hope ’twill be ridiculous enough, and then the Devil’s
in’t if it do not doe his Business with my Mother, for she hates all C3r 13
all impertinent Noises but what she makes her self. She’s now
going to make a Visit to your Uncle, purposely to give me an
opportunity to Isabella.

Lean.

And I’me ingag’d to wait on her thither, the designe
to carry the Fiddles too, he’s Mad enough already, but such a
Visit will fit him for Bedlam.

Lod.

No matter, for you have all a lewd hand with him; between
his continual imaginary sickness, and perpetual Physick,
a man might take more Pleasure in a Hospital. What the Devil
did he marry a young Wife for? and they say a handsome creature
too.

Lean.

To keep up his Title of Cuckold I think, for she has
beauty enough for temptation, and no doubt makes the right
use on’t: wou’d I cou’d know it, that I might prevent her cheating
my Uncle longer to my undoing.

Lod.

She’ll be cunning enough for that, if she have wit: but
now thou talk’st of intrigues, when didst see Wittmore? that
Rogue has some lucky Haunt which we must find out.――But
my Mother expects your attendance, I’le go seek my Sister, and
make all the Interest there I can for you, whilst you pay me in the
same Coin to Isabella. Adieu.

Lean.

Trust my Friendship――

Exeunt severally.

The End of The First Act.

Act II.

Scene I.

A Garden. Enter Lady Fancy, Wittmore and Maundy.

Witt.

Enough my Charming Mistriss, you’ve set my Soul at
Peace, and chas’d away those Fears and Doubts my Jealousy
created there.

Maun.

Mr. Wittmore’s satisfy’d of your constancy Madam,
though had I been your Ladyship, I should have given him a C3 more C3v 14
more substantiall Proof, which you might yet doe, if you wou’d
make handsom use of your time.

Witt.

Maundy advises well my Dearest, let’s withdraw to yonder
Covert Arbour, whose kind shades will secure us a happiness
that Gods might envy.Offers to lead her out.

La. Fan.

I dare not for the world, Sir Patient is now asleep,
and ’tis to those few Minutes we are oblig’d for this injoyment,
which shou’d Love make us transgress, and he shou’d
wake and surprize us, we were undone for ever; no let us imploy
this little time we have in consulting how we may be often
happy, and securely so: oh how I languish for the dear oportunity!

Witt.

And cou’d you guess what torments I have suffer’d in
these few Fatal Months that have divided us, thou woud’st
pity me.

La. Fan.

――but to our business; for though I am yet unsuspected
by my Husband, I am eternally plagu’d with his company, he’s
so fond of me, he scarce gives me time to write to thee, he waits
on me from room to rom, hands me in the Garden, shoulders
me in the Belcony, nay does the office of my women, dresses and
undresses me, and does so smirk at his handy-work! in fine, dear
Wittmore, I am impatient till I can have less of his company, and
more of thine.

Witt.

Does he never goe out of Town?

La. Fan.

Never without me.

Witt.

Nor to Church?

La. Fan.

To a meeting-house you mean, and then too carries
me, and is as vainly proud of me as of his Rebellious opinion, for
his Religion means nothing but that, and Contradiction; which
I seem to like too, since ’tis the best cloak I can put on to
cheat him with.

Witt.

Right my fair Hypocrite.

La. Fan.

But dear Wittmore, there’s nothing so Comicall as
to hear me Cant, and even cheat those knaves the Preachers
themselves that delude the Ignorant Rabble.

Witt.

What Miracles cannot your Eyes and Tongue perform!

La. Fan.

Judge what a fine life I lead the while, to be
set up with an old Formal Doating sick Husband, and a Herd
of snivelling grinning Hypocrites that call themselves the teaching
Saints, who under pretence of securing me to the number of C4r 15
of their Flock, do so sneer upon me, pat my Breasts and
cry, fy, fy upon this fashion of tempting Nakedness.through the nose.

Witt.

Dear Creature, how cou’d we laugh at thy new way
of living, had we but some minutes allow’d us to injoy that pleasure
alone.

La. Fan.

Think, dear Wittmore think, Maundy and I have
thought over all our devices to no purpose.

Witt.

Pox on’t I’me the dullest Dog at Plotting, Thinking, in
the world, I should have made a damnable Ill Town Poet; has
he quite left off going to the Change?

La. Fan.

Oh, he’s grown Cautiously rich, and will venture
none of his substantiall stock in transitory Traffick.

Witt.

Has he no Mutinous Caball, nor Coffee-houses, where he
goes religiously to consult the wellfare of the Nation?

La. Fan.

His imagin’d sickness has made this their Rendesvouz.

Witt.

When he goes to his blind Devotion, cannot you pretend
to be sick? that may give us at least two or three opportunities
to begin with.

La. Fan.

Oh ! then I should be plagu’d with continual Physick
and Extempore Prayer till I were sick indeed.

Witt.

Damn the Humorous Coxcombe and all his Family,
what shall we do?

La. Fa.

Not all, for he has a Daughter that has good Humour,
Wit, and Beauty enough to save her,――stay――that has jogg’d
a thought as the learned say, which must jogg on, till the motion
have produc’t somthing worth my thinking.――

Enter Roger running.

Maun.

Ad’s me here’s danger near, our Scout comes in such
hast.

La. Fa.

Roger, what’s the matter?

Rog.

My Master, Madam, is risen from sleep, and is come into
the Garden,――See Madam he’s here.

La. Fa.

What an unlucky accident was this?

Witt.

What shall I do? ’tis too late to obscure my self.

La. Fa.

He see’s you already through the Trees,――here――
keep your distance, your Hat under your Arm, so, be very Ceremonious
whilst I settle a demure Countenance.――

Maun. C4v 16

Maun.

Well, there never came good of Lovers that were given
to too much talking; had you been silently kind all this
while, you had been willing to have parted by this time.

Enter Sir Patient in a Night-gown, reading a Bill.

Sir Pat.

Hum,――Twelve Purges for this present January,――
as I take it, good Mr. Doctor, I took but Ten in all December,
――by this Rule I am sicker this Month than I was the last,
――and good Master Apothecary methinks your Prizes are
somewhat to high, at this rate no body wou’d be sick.――Here
Roger, and see it paid however,—Ha, hum.Sees ’em and starts back.
What’s here, my Lady Wife entertaining a lewd fellow of the
Town? a flaunting Cap and Feather Blade?

La. Fa.

Sir Patient cannot now be spoken with. But Sir,
that which I was going just now to say to you, was, that it would
be very convenient in my opinion to make your addresses to
Isabella,――’twill give us opportunities. Aside We Ladies
love no imposition, this is Counsel my Husband perhaps will
not like, but I would have all Women chuse their Man, as I have
done,――my dear Wittmore.Aside.

Sir Pat.

I profess ingenuously an excellent good Lady this of
mine, tho’ I do not like her Counsel to the young man, whom
I perceive would be a suiter to my Daughter Isabella.

Wit.

Madam, should I follow my inclinations, I should pay
my vows nowhere but there,――but I am inform’d Sir Patient
is a man so positively resolv’d.――

La. Fa.

That you should love his Wife.Aside.

Wit.

And I’le comply with that resolve of his, and neither
Love nor Marry Isabella, without his Permission, and I doubt
not but I shall by my respects to him gain his consent,――to
Cuckold him.Aside.

Sir Pat.

I profess ingenuously a very discreet young man.

Wit.

But Madam, when may I promise my self the satisfaction
of coming again? For I’me impatient for the sight and enjoyment
of the fair person I love.

La. Fa.

Sir, You may come at night, and something I will
doe by that time shall certainly give you that access you wish
for.

Wit.

May I depend upon that happiness?

La. Fa.

Oh, doubt not my power over Sir Patient.

Sir D1r 17

Sir Pat.

My Lady Fancy, you promise largely.

La. Fa.

Sir Patient here?

Wit.

A Devil on him, wou’d I were well off, now must I dissemble,
profess, and lye most confoundedly.

Sir Pat.

Your Servant Sir, your Servant,――My Lady Fancy
your Ladiship is well entertain’d I see, have a care you make
me not Jealous, my Lady Fancy.

La. Fa.

Indeed I have given you cause Sir Patient, for I have
been entertaining a Lover, and one you must admit of too.

Sir Pat.

Say you so, my Lady Fancy?――Well Sir, I am a
man of Reason, and if you shew me good causes why, can bid
you welcom, for I do nothing without Reason andand Precaution.

Wit.

Sir I have.――

Sir Pat.

I know what you wou’d say Sir, few words denoteth
a wise head,――you wou’d say that you have an ambition to be
my Son in Law.

Witt.

You guess most right Sir.

Sir Pat.

Nay Sir, I’le warrant I’le read a man as well as the
best, I have studied it.

Witt.

Now Invention help me or never.

Sir Pat.

Your Name I pray?

Witt.

Fain-Love, Sir.Putting off his Hat gravely
at every word.

Sir Pat.

Good Mr. Fain-Love, your Countrey?

Witt.

Yorkshire, Sir.

Sir Pat.

What, not Mr. Fain-Love’s Son of Yorkshire, who
was Knighted in the good days of the late Lord Protector? Off his Hat.

Witt.

The same Sir,――I am in, but how to come off again
the Devil take me if I know.

Sir Pat.

He was a man of admirable Parts, believe me, a notable
head-piece, a Publick-spirited Person, and a good Commonwealths
man, that he was, on my word,――Your Estate Sir,
I pray? Hat off.

Witt.

I have not impair’d it Sir, and I presume you know its
value? For I’me a Dog if I doe.――

Sir Pat.

O’ my word ’tis then considerable Sir, for he left but
one Son, and Fourteen hundred Pounds per annum, as I take it,
which Son I hear is lately come from Geneva, whither he was D sent D1v 18
sent for vertuous Education. I am glad of your Arrival Sir,――
Your Religion I pray?

Witt.

You cannot doubt my Principles, Sir, since educated at
Geneva.

Sir Pat.

Your Father was a discreet Man, ah Mr. Fain-Love,
he and I have seen better dayes, and wish we cou’d have foreseen
these that are arriv’d.

Witt.

That he might have turn’d honest in time, he means, before
he had purchas’d Bishops Lands.

Sir Pat.

Sir, you have no Place, Office, Dependance or Attendance
at Court I hope?

Witt.

None Sir.――Wou’d I had,――so you were hang’d.

La. Fa.

Nay Sir, you may believe, I knew his Capacities and
Abilities before I would encourage his Addresses.

Sir Pat.

My Lady Fancy, you are a discreet Lady;――Well
I’le marry her out of hand to prevent Mr. Lodwick’s hopes, for
tho’ the young man may deserve well, that mother of his I’le
have nothing to do with, since she refused to marry my Nephew.Aside.

Enter FanyFancy.

Fan.

Sir Father, here’s my Lady Knowell and her Family come
to see you.

Sir Pat.

How! her whole Family! I am come to keep open
House; very fine, her whole Family! she’s Plague enough to
mortify any good Christian,――tell her, my Lady and I am gon
forth; tell her any thing to keep her away.

Fan.

Shou’d I tell a lye Sir Father, and to a Lady of her Quality?

Sir Pat.

Her Quality and she are a Couple of impertinent
things, which are very troublesome, and not to be indu’r’d I take
it.

Fan.

Sir, we shou’d bear with things we do not love sometimes,
’tis a sort of trial Sir, a kind of mortification fit for a good
Christian.

Sir Pat.

Why, what a notable talking Baggage is this! How
came you by this Doctrine?

Fan.

I remember, Sir, you Preach’d it once to my Sister, when
the old Alderman was the Text, whom you exhorted her to
marry, but the wicked Creature made ill use on’t.

Sir D2r 19

Sir Pat.

Go your way for a Prating Huswife, go, and call
your Sister hither.Exit Fanny.――Well I’me resolv’d to
leave this Town, nay, and the World too, rather than be tormented
thus.

La. Fa.

What’s the matter Dear, thou dost so fret thy self?

Sir Pat.

The matter! my house, my house is besieged with
impertinence, the intolerable Lady, Madam Romance, that walking
Library of Profane Books is come to visit me.

La. Fa.

My Lady Knowell?

Sir Pat.

Yes, that Lady of eternal noise and hard words.

La. Fa.

Indeed ’tis with pain I am oblig’d to be civil to her,
but I consider her Quality, her Husband was too an Alderman
your friend, and a great Ay and no Man i’th’ City, and a painful
promoter of the good Cause.

Sir Pat.

But she’s a Fop, my Lady Fancy, and ever was so;
an idle conceited she Fop, and has vanity and tongue enough
to debauch any Nation under Civil Government: but, Patience,
thou art a vertue, and Affliction will come,――Ah I’me very
sick, alas I have not long to dwell amongst the Wicked, Oh, oh.
――Roger, is the Doctor come?

Enter Roger.

Rog.

No Sir, but he has sent you a small draught of a Pint,
which you are to take and move upon’t.

Sir Pat.

Ah,――Well I’le in and take it; ――Ah――Sir, I
crave your Patience a moment, for I design you shall see my
Daughter, I’le not make long work on’t Sir, alas I would dispose
of her before I die, Ah,――I’le bring her to you Sir, Ah, Ah.—Goes out with Roger.

La. Fa.

He’s always thus when visited, to save charges,――
But how dear Wittmore cam’st thou to think of a Name and
Countrey so readily?

Witt.

Egad I was at the height of my invention, and the Alderman
civilly and kindly assisted me with the rest; but how to
undeceive him,――

La. Fa.

Take no care for that, in the mean time you’l be
shrewdly hurt to have the way laid open to our enjoyment, and
that by my Husbands procurement too: but take heed dear Wittmore,
whilst you only design to feign a Courtship, you do it not
in good earnest.

D2 Witt. D2v 20

Witt.

Unkind Creature!

La. Fa.

I wou’d not have you indanger her heart neither:
for thou hast Charmes will do’t.――Prethee do not put on thy
best looks, nor speak thy softest language; for if thou dost thou
canst not fail to undoe her.

Witt.

Well my pretty Flatterer, to free her heart and thy
suspicions, I’le make such aukward Love as shall perswade her,
however she chance to like my Person, to think most lewdly
of my parts,――But ’tis fit I take my leave, for if Lodwick
or Leander see me here, all will be ruin’d, death I had forgot
that.

La. Fa.

Leander’s seldom at home, and you must time your
Visits: but see Sir Patient’s return’d, and with him your new
Mistress.

Enter Sir Patient and Isabella.

Sir Pat.

Here’s my Daughter Isabella, Mr. Fain-love: she’l
serve for a Wife, Sir, as times goe; but I hope you are none of
those,――Sweet-heart――this Gentleman I have design’d
you, he’s rich and young, and I am old and sickly, and just
going out of the world, and would gladly see thee in safe
hands.

Maun.

He has been just going this twenty Years.Aside.

Sir Pat.

Therefore I command you to receive the tenders of
his Affection

Enter FanyFancy.

Fan.

Sir Father, my Lady Knowell’s in the Garden.

La. Fa.

My Dear, we must go meet her in decency.

Sir Pat.

A hard case a man cannot be sick in quiet.――Goes out.

Isab.

A Husband, and that not Lodwick! Heaven forbid.Aside.

Witt.

Now Foppery assist to make me very ridiculous.――
Death she’s very pretty and inviting, what an insensible Dog
shall I be counted to refuse the enjoyment of so fair, so new a
Creature, and who is like to be thrown into my Arms too whether
I will or not?――but Conscience and my vows to the
fair Mother: No I will be honest,――Madam,――as Gad
shall save me, I’me the Son of a Whore, if you are not the most
Bell Person I ever saw, and if I be not damnably in love with you, D3r 21
you, but a pox take all tedious Courtship, I have a free-born
and generous Spirit, and as I hate being confin’d to dull cringing,
whining, flattering, and the Devil and all of Foppery,
so when I give an heart I’me an Infidel, Madam, if I do not
love to do’t frankly and quickly, that thereby I may oblige
the Beautifl receiver of my Vows, Protestations, Passions, and
Inclination.

Isab.

You’re wonderfull ingaging Sir, and I were an Ingrate
not to facilitate a return for the Honour you are pleas’d to do
me.

Witt.

Upon my Reputation, Madam, you’re a civil well-bred
Person, you have all the Agreemony of your Sex, La Bell Talie,
la Boon Mien, & reparteét bien
, and are tout oue toore, as I’me a
Gentleman, fort agreeable.――If this do not please your Lady,
and Nauseate her, the Devil’s in ’em both for unreasonable Women.
――To Maund.

Fan.

Gemini Sister, does the Gentleman Conjure?

Isab.

I know not, but I’me sure I never saw a more affected
Fop.

Maundy[Speaker label not present in original source]

Oh a damnable impertinent Fop, ’tis pity, for he’s a
proper Gentleman.

Witt.

Well if I do hold out, Egad I shall be the bravest young
fellow in Christendome: but Madam, I must kiss your hand at
present, I have some Visits to make, Devoirs to pay, necessities
of Gallantry only, no Love ingagement by Jove Madam, it
is sufficient I have given my Parole to your Father to do him the
honour of my Alliance; and an unnecessary Jealousie will but
disoblige Madam your slave――Death these Rogues will see me
and I’me undone.――Exit.

Enter Lady Fancy, Lady Knowell, Sir Credulous
and Lucr. with other women and men.

La. Kno.

Isabella, your servant, Madam, being sensible of the
insociable and solitary life you lead, I have brought my whole
Family to wait on your Ladyship, and this my Son in Futuro,
to kiss your hands, I beseech your Ladyship to know him for
your humble servant: my Son and your Nephew Madam are
coming, with the Musick too, we mean to pass the whole day
with your Ladyship:—and see they are here.

Enter D3v 22 Enter Lodwick pulling in Wittmore, Leander with them,

Lod.

Nay since we have met thee so luckily, you must back
with us.

Witt.

You must excuse me Gentlemen.

Lod.

We’le show ye two or three fine women.

Witt.

Death these Rogues will ruine me――but I have business
Gentlemen that――

Lean.

That must not hinder you from doing deeds of Charity,
we are all come to teaze my Uncle, and you must assist at so good
a work――come gad thou shalt make love to my Aunt,—I wou’d
he wou’d effectually.Aside.

Lod.

Now I think on’t, what the Devil dost thou make
here?

Witt.

Here?――oh Sir――a—I have a design upon the Alderman.

Lod.

Upon his handsome Wife thou meanest? ah Rogue!

Witt.

Faith no,――a――’tis to――borrow Mony of him, and as I
take it Gentlemen you are not fit persons for a man of Credit to
be seen with, I pass for a graver man.

Lod.

Well Sir, take your Course――but egad he’le sooner lend
thee his wife than his Money.Ex. Witt. they come in.

Lean.

Aunt I have taken the boldness to bring a Gentleman
of my aquaintance to kiss your Ladiships hands.

Lod.

Thy Aunt!――death she’s very handsom,――Madam your
most humble servant.Kisses the La. Fan.

Lean.

Prethee imploy this Fool that I may have an opportunity
to entertain thy Sister.

Lod.

Sir Credulous, what not a word? not a Complement? hah—
be brisk man, be gay and witty, talk to the Ladies.

Sir Cred.

Talk to ’em? why what shall I say to ’em?

Lod.

Any thing so it be to little purpose.

Sir Cred.

Nay Sir, let me alone for that matter――but who are
they prethee?

Lod.

Why that’s my Lady Fancy, and that’s her Daughter in
Law, salute ’em Man.――

Sir Cred.

Fair Lady,――I do protest and vow, you are the
most beautifull of all Mothers in Law, and the World cannot
produce your equall.

Lod. D4r 23

Lod.

The Rogue has but one method for all Addresses.

They laugh.

La. Kn.

Oh absurd! this Sir is the beautifull Mother in Law.To La. Fancy.

Sir Cred.

Most Noble Lady, I cry you mercy, Enter Sir Pat.
Then Madam as the Sun amongst the Stars, or rather as the Moon
not in conjunction with the Sun but in her opposition, when
one rises the other sets, or as the Vulgar call it Full moon—I say
as the Moon is the most beautifull of all the sparkling lights,
even so are you the most accomplisht Lady under the Moon――
and Madam, I am extreamly sensible of your Charms and Celestial
Graces.To Isabella.

Sir Pat.

Why this is abominable and insupportable.

Lucr.

I find Sir, you can talk to purpose when you begin
once.

Sir Cred.

You are pleas’d to say so, Noble Lady; but I must needs
say, I am not the worst bred Gentleman for a Country Gentleman
that ever you saw, for you must know incomparable Lady that
I was at the University three years, and there I learnt my Logick
and Rhethorick, whereby I became excellent at Repartee, sweet
Lady. As for my Estate, my Father dy’d since I came of Age, and
left me a small younger Brothers Portion, dear Lady.

Lucr.

A younger Brothers Sir?

Sir Cred.

Ha ha, I know what you wou’d infer from that now;
but you must know delicious Lady, that I am all the Children my
Father had.

Lucr.

Witty I protest

Sir Cred.

Nay Madam when I set on’t I can be witty.

Lean.

Cruel Lucretia leave ’em, and let us snatch this opportunity
to talk of our own affairs.

Sir Cred.

For you must know bright Lady, though I was
pleas’d to rally my self, I have a pretty competent Estate of about
3000 l. a year, and am to marry Madam Lucretia.

La. Fan.

You’re a happy man Sir.

Sir Cred.

Not so happy neither, inestimable Lady, for I lost
the finest Mare yesterday――but let that pass, were you never in
Devonshire Madam?

La. Fan.

Never Sir.

Sir Cred.

Introth and that’s pitty sweet Lady, for if you lov’d
Hawking, Drinking, and Whoring,—oh Lord, I mean Hunting, i’faith D4v 24
i’faith there be good fellows wou’d keep you company Madam.

Sir Pat.

This is a Plot upon me, a meer Plot.――My Lady
Fancy
, be tender of my reputation, Foppery’s catching, and I had
as lieve be a Cuckold as Husband to a vain Woman.

Sir Cred.

Zoz, and that may be as you say Noble Sir. Lady
pray what Gentleman’s this――Noble Sir, I am your most humble
servant.

Sir Pat.

Oh cry you mercy Sir.walks away.

Sir Cred.

No offence dear Sir I protest, ’slife I believe ’tis the
Master of the house, he look’t with such authority――why who
cares, let him look as big as the four Winds, East, West, North,
and South, I care not this,――therefore, I Beg your Pardon Noble
Sir.

Sir Pat.

Pray spare your Hat and Legs Sir, till you come to
Court, they are thrown away i’th’ City.

Sir Cred.

O Lord dear Sir, ’tis all one for that, I value not a
Leg nor an Arm amongst Friends, I am a Devonshire Knight Sir
all the world knows, a kind of Country Gentleman, as they say,
and am come to Town to Marry my Lady Knowells Daughter.

Sir Pat.

I’m glad on’t Sir. walks away, he follows.

Sir Cred.

She’s a deserving Lady Sir, if I have any Judgment,
and I think I understand a Lady Sir in the right Honourable way
of Matrimony.

Sir Pat.

Well Sir, that is to say you have been marryed before
Sir, and what’s all this to me good Sir?

Sir Cred.

Marryed before incomparable Sir! not so neither, for
there’s difference in men Sir.

Sir Pat.

Right, Sir, for some are Wits, and some are Fools!

Sir Cred.

As I hope to breath ’twas a saying of my Grandmothers,
who us’d to tell me Sir, that bought Wit was best. I have
brought money to Town for a small purchase of that kind, for Sir,
I wou’d fain set up for a Country Wit――Pray Sir where live the
Poets? for I wou’d fain be acquainted with some of them.

Sir Pat.

Sir I do not know, nor do I care for Wits and Poets.
Oh this will kill me quite, I’l out of Town immediately.

Sir Cred.

But Sir, I mean your Fine railing Bully Wits, that
have Vineger, Gall and Arsenick in ’em as well as Salt and Flame
and Fire and the Devil and all.

Sir Pat.

Oh defend me! and what is all this to me Sir?

Sir Cred. E1r 25

Sir Cred.

Oh Sir, they are the very Soul of Entertainment,
and Sir, it is the prettiest sport to hear ’em rail and baule at one
another――Zoz wou’d I were a Poet.

Sir Pat.

I wish you were, since you are so fond of being rail’d
at――if I were able to beat him I would be much angry――
but Patience is a Vertue, and I will into the Country.――Aside

Sir Cred.

’Tis all one case to me dear Sir,――but I should have
the pleasure of railing again, cum privilegio, I love fighting with
those pointless Weapons――Zoz Sir, you know if we men of
quality fall out――(for you are a Knight I take it) why there
comes a Challenge upon it, and ten to one some body or other is
run through the Gills, why a pox on’t I say this is very damnable,
give me Poets Licence.――

La. Fa.

Take him off in pity.To Leander.

Lod.

Indeed Railing is a Coin only currant among the Poets
――Sir Credulous.――

Sir Pat.

Oh blest deliverance――what a profane wretch is here,
and what a lewd world we live in――oh London, London, how
thou aboundest in Iniquity, thy Young men are debaucht, thy
Virgins defloured, and thy Matrons all turn’d Bawds! my Lady
Fancy
, this is not company for you I take it, let us fly from this
vexation of spirit on the never-failing wings of discretion.――

Going to lead Lady Fancy off―― the Lady
Knowell
speaking to Isabella all this while.

La. Kn.

How! marry thee to such a Fop sayest thou? oh
egregious!――as thou lovest Lodwick let him not know his name,
it will be dangerous, let me alone to evade it.

Isab.

I know his fiery temper too well to trust him with the
secret.

La. Kn.

Hark ye Sir, and do you intend to doe this horrible
thing?――

Sir Pat.

What thing, my Lady Knowell?

La. Kn.

Why to marry your Daughter Sir.

Sir Pat.

Yes Madam.

La. Kn.

To a beastly town Fool? Monstrum horrendum!

Sir Pat.

To any Fool, except a Fool of your Race, of your
Generation.――

L.K.

How! a Fool of my Race, my Generation! I know thou
meanest my son, thou contumelious Knight, who let me tell thee, E shall E1v 26
shall marry thy Daughter invito te, that is, (to inform thy obtuse
understanding) in spight of thee, yes shall marry her,
though she inherits nothing but thy dull Enthusiasmes, which had
she been legitimate she had been possest with.

Sir Pat.

Oh abominable ! you had best say, she is none of my
Daughter, and that I was a Cuckold.――

La. Kn.

If I should Sir, it would not amount to Scandalum
Magnatum
, I’le tell thee more; thy whole Pedigree,――And yet
for all this Lodwick shall marry your Daughter, and yet I’le have
none of your Nephew.――

Sir Pat.

Shall he so, my Lady Knowell? I shall go near to outtrick
your Ladyship for all your Politick Learning.’Tis past the
Canonical hour as they call it, or I wou’d marry my Daughter instantly,
I profess we ne’re had good daies since these Canonicall
Fopperies came up again, meer Popish tricks to give our Children
time for disobedience,――the next Justice wou’d ha’ serv’d
turn, and have done the business at any hour, but Patience is a
Vertue――Roger, go after Mr. Fain-love, and tell him I wou’d speak
with him instantly.

La. Kn.

Come come Ladies, we lose fleeting time, upon my
Honour we doe, for Madam as I said I have brought the Fiddles,
and design to Sacrifice the intire Evening to your Ladyships Diversion.

Sir Cred.

Incomparable Lady, that was well thought on, Zoz,
I long to be jigging.

Sir Pat.

Fiddles, Good Lord! why what am I come to!
—Madam I take it, Sir Patient Fancies Lady is not a proper Person
to make one at immodest Revellings, and Profane Masqueradings.

La. Fa.

Why? ah ’tis very true Sir, but we ought not to offend
a Brother that is weak, and consequently a Sister.

Sir Pat.

An Excellent Lady this, but she may be corrupted,
Ah she may fall, I will therefore without delay carry her from
this wicked Town.

La. Kn.

Come come Gentlemen, let’s in, Mr Fancy you must
be my man――Sir Credulous come, and you sweet Sir, come Ladies,
――Nunc est saltandum,, &c.

Exeunt.
Scene E2r 27
Scene changes to a Chamber. Enter Sir Patient as before, Lady Fancy, Wittmore, Maundy,
and Roger with things.

Sir Pat.

Maundy fetch my Cloaths, I’ll dress me and out of
Town instantly――perswade me not.To Witt. Roger, is
the coach ready Roger?

Rog.

Yes Sir, with four horses.

La. Fa.

Out of Town! oh I’m undone then, there will be
no hopes of ever seeing Wittmore.Aside.――Maundy oh help
me to contrive my stay, or I’m a dead Woman. ――Sir, sure
you cannot goe and leave your affairs in Town.

Sir Pat.

Affairs! what Affairs?

La. Fa.

Why your Daughter’s Marriage Sir,――and――Sir,――
not Sir but that I desire of all things in the World the blessing of
being alone with you, far from the noise and lewd disorders of
this filthy Town.

Sir Pat.

Most excellent Woman! ah thou art too good for
sinfull Man, and I will therefore remove thee from the temptations
of it――Maundy, my Cloaths――Mr. Fain-love, I will leave Isabella
with my Lady Fidget my Sister, who shall to morrow see you
married to prevent farther inconveniences.

La. Fa.

What shall I doe?

Maun.

Madam, I have a design, which considering his Spleen,
must this time doe our business――’tis――Whispers.

La. Fa.

I like it well, about it instantly, hah—Ex. Maundy.
alas Sir, ――what ails your Face? good Heav’n――look Roger.

Sir Pat.

My Face! why what ails my Face! hah!――

La. Fa.

See Mr. Fain-love, oh look on my dear, is he not strangely
alter’d?

Witt.

Most wonderfully.

Sir Pat.

Alter’d, hah—why where, why how alter’d?――hah,
Alter’d say you?――

Witt.

Lord how wildly he stares!

Sir Pa.

Hah, stare,――wildly?――

Rog.

Are you not very sick Sir?

La. Fa.

Sick! oh heavens forbid――how does my dearest
Love?

E2 Sir Pat. E2v 28

Sir Pat.

Me thinks I feel my self not well o’th’ suddain—ah—
a kind of shivering seizes all my Limbs,―― and am I so much
chang’d.

Witt.

All over Sir, as big again as you were,――

La. Fa.

Your Face is Frightfully blown up, and your dear
Eyes just starting from your head, oh I shall sound with the apprehension
on’t.falls into Wittmore’s Armes.

Sir Pat.

My head and Eyes so big say you,――oh I am wonderous
sick o’th’ suddain,――all over say you――oh oh――Ay I perceive
it now, my Senses fail me too.

La. Fa.

How Sir, your Senses fail you?

Witt.

That’s a very bad sign, believe me.

Sir Pat.

Oh Ay, for I can neither feel, nor see this mighty
growth you speak off.falls into a Chair with great
signes of disorder.

Witt.

Alas I’m sorry for that Sir.

Rog.

Sure ’tis impossible, I’ll run and fetch a Glass Sir.

Offers to goe.

La. Fa.

Oh stay, I wou’d not for the world he should see what
a Monster he is,—and is like to be before to Morrow.Aside.

Rog.

I’ll fit him with a Glass—I’ll warrent ye it shall advance
our design.

Enter Maundy with the Cloaths, she starts.

Maun.

Good Heav’n what ailes you Sir?

Sir Pat.

Oh—oh――’tis so.

Maun.

Lord how he’s swoln? see how his Stomach struts?

Sir Pat.

Ah ’tis true, though I perceive it not.

Maun.

Not perceive it Sir! put on your Cloaths and be convinc’t
――try ’em Sir.She pulls off his Gown and puts on his
Doublet and Coat, which come not near by
a handfull or more.

Sir Pat.

Ah it needs not,――mercy upon me――falls back.
I’me lost, I’m gone, Oh man what art thou, but a Flower?
I am Poyson’d, this talking Ladies breath’s infectious; methought
I felt the contagion steal into my heart; send for my Physicians
and if I die, I’le swear She’s my Murtherer, oh see see, how my
trembling increases, oh hold my Limbs, I die.――

Enter E3r 29 Enter Roger with a Magnifying Glass, shews him the
Gla――s; he looks in it.

Rog.

I’le warant I’le show his Face as big as a bushel.Aside.

Sir Pat.

Oh, Oh,――I’me a dead man, have me to bed, I die
away, undress me instantly, send for my Physicians, I’me Poyson’d,
my Bowels burn, I have within an Ætna,
My Brains run round, Nature within me reels.They carry him
out in a Chair.

Witt.

And all the drunken Universe does run on wheels.
ha ha ha.
Ah my dear Creature, how finely thou hast brought him to his
journies end!

La. Fa.

There was no other way but this to have secur’d my
happiness with thee, there needs no more then that you come anon
to the Garden back-gate, where you shall find admittance,—Sir
Patient
is like to lie alone to night.

Witt.

Till then ’twill be a Thousand Ages.

La. Fa.

At Games of Love Husbands to cheat is fair,

’Tis the Gallant we play with on the square.

Exeunt severally.

The End of the Second Act.

Act III.

Scene I.

Scene draws off and disovers Lady Knowell, Isabella, Lucretia,
Lodwick, Leander, Wittmore, Sir Credulous, Other Men and
Women, as going to Dance.

La. Kno.

Come one Dance more, and then I think we shall
have sufficiently teaz’d the Alderman, and ’twill
be time to part.――Sir Credulous, where’s your Mistress?

Sir Cred.

Within a mile of an Oak, dear Madam, I’le warrant
you,――well I protest and vow, sweet Lady, you dance most E3 Nobly, E3v 30
Nobly,――Why, you Dance――like――like a――like a Hasty
Pudding before Jove. They Dance some Antick, or Rustick-
Antick. Lodwick speaking to Isabella.

Lodwick Knowell[Speaker label not present in original source]

Song made by a Gent.

Sitting by yonder River Side

Parthenia thus to Cloe cry’d,

Whil’fst the fair Nymphs Eyes apace

Another Stream o’reflow’d her Beautious Face.

Ah happy Nymph, said she, that can

So little value that false Creature man.

Oft the perfidious things will cry,

Alass they burn, they bleed, they dye;

But if they’re absent half a day,

Nay, let ’em be but one poor hour away,

No more they dye, no more complain,

But like unconstant wretches live again.

Lod.

Well, have you consider’d of that business yet Isabella?

Isab.

What business?

Lod.

Of giving me admittance to night.

Isab.

And may I trust your honesty?

Lod.

Oh doubt me not, my Mother’s resolv’d it shall be a
match between you and I, and that very consideration will secure
thee, besides who wou’d first sully the Linnen they mean to
put on?

Isab.

Away here’s my Mother.

Enter Lady Fancy

La. Fa.

Madam I beg your pardon for my absence, the effects
of my Obedience, not Will; but Sir Patient is taken very Ill
o’th’suddain, and I must humbly intreat your Ladiship to retire,
for rest is onely essential to his recovery.

La. Kno.

Congruously spoken upon my Honour. Oh the impudence
of this Fellow your Ladyships Husband, to espouse so
fair a person only to make a Nurse of!

La. Fa.

Alas Madam!――

La. Kno. E4r 31

La. Kno.

A slave, a very houshold Drudg,――Oh faugh,
come, never grieve,――for Madam, his Disease is nothing but
imagination, a Melancholy which arises from the Liver, Spleen,
and Membrane call’d Mesenterium, the Arabians name the distemper
Myrathial, and we here in England Hypochondriacal Melancholy;
I cou’d prescribe a most potent Remedy, but that I am
loth to stir the envy of the College.

La. Fa.

Really Madam I believe,――

La. Kno.

But as you say Madam, we’l leave him to his repose,
pray do not grieve too much.

Lod.

Death, wou’d I had the consoleing her, ’tis a charming
Woman!

La. Kno.

Mr. Fancy your hand; Madam your most faithful
Servant,――Lucretia, come Lucretia――your Servant Ladies and
Gentlemen.――

La. Fa.

A Devil on her, wou’d the nimbleness of her Ladyships
Tongue were in her Heels, she wou’d make more hast away,
oh I long for the blest minute.――

Lod.

Isabella, shall I find admittance anon?

Isab.

On fair conditions.

Lod.

Trust my Generosity,――Madam your Slave.――Exit.

To La. Fa. gazing on her, goes out.

Sir Cred.

Madam, I wou’d say something of your Charms and
Celestial Graces, but that all praises are as far below you, as the
Moon in her Opposition is below the Sun,――and so Luscious
Lady, I am yours,—now for my Serenade,—Exeunt all but La.
Fa.
and Maundy.

La. Fa.

Maundy, have you commanded all the Servants to
Bed?

Maun.

Yes Madam, not a Mouse shall stir, and I have made
ready the Chamber next to the Garden for your Ladyship.

La. Fa.

Then there needs no more but that you wait for
Wittmore’s coming to the Garden Gate, and take care no lights
be in the House for fear of Eyes.

Maun.

Madam I understand Lovers are best by dark, and shall
be diligent, the Doctor has secur’d Sir Patient by a sleeping
Pill, and you are only to expect your approaching happiness.

Exeunt.
Scene E4v 32

Scene II.

Lady Knowell’s Chamber. Enter Lady Knowell and Leander.

La. Kn.

Leander raise your Soul above that little trifle Lucretia,
――cannot you guess what better Fate attends you?――
fie,――how dull you are!――must I instruct you in plain right-
down termes?――and tell you――that I propose you Master of
my fortune?――now possibly you understand me.

Enter Lucretia, and peeps.

Lean.

I wish I did not Madam, Unless I’de vertue to deserve the Bounty;I have a Thousand faults Dissimulation hides,Inconstant, wild, debauch’d as youth can make me.

Lucr.

All that will not do your business.――Aside.

La. Kn.

Yet you wou’d have my Daughter take you with
all these faults, they’re vertues there, but to the name of Mother,
they all turn retrograde, I can endure a manAs wild and as inconstant as she can,I have a Fortune too that can support that Humour,That of Lucretia does depend on me,And when I please is nothing;I’me far from Age or Wrinkles, can be CourtedBy Men as gay and youthful as a new Summer’s morn,Beauteous as the first Blossoms of the SpringBefore the common Sun has kiss’d their sweets away,If with salacious appetites I lov’d,

Lean.

Faith Madam I cou’d wish,――

La. Kn.

That I were but Fifteen? but―― If there be inequality in years, There is so too in Fortunes, that might add A lustre to my Eyes, Charms to by Person And make me fair as Venus, young as Hebe.

Lean.

Madam you have enough to ingage any unconquer’d
heart, but ’twas, I thought, with your allowance I dispos’d of
mine, and ’tis a heart that knows not how to change.

La. Kn.

Then ’tis a foolish unambitious heart, unworthy of
the Elevation it has not Glorious Pride enough to aim at:―― FarewelFarewell F1r 33
Farewell Sir,――when you are wiser, you may find admittance.Goes
out.

Lean.

Stay Madam.――

Enter Lucretia.

Lucr.

For what? to hear your Penitence? Forgive me Madam,
I will be a Villain, forget my vows of Love, made to Lucretia,
And Sacrifice both her, and those to interest.
Oh how I hate this whining and dissembling!

Lean.

Do, Triumph o’re a wretched man, Lucretia.

Lucr.

How! Wretched in loving me so intirely, or that you
cannot marry my Mother, and be master of her mighty Fortune?
’Tis a temptation indeed, so between Love and Interest, hang
me if ever I saw so simple a look as you put on when my Mother
made Love to you.

Lean.

You may easily guess the confusion of a man in my circumstances,
to be languishing for the lov’d Daughter, and pursu’d
by the hated Mother, whom if I refuse will ruin all my hopes
of thee.

Lucr.

Refuse her! I hope you have more wit?

Leand.

Lucretia, cou’d she make a Monarch of me, I cou’d
not marry her.

Lucr.

And you wou’d be so wise to tell her so?

Lean.

I would no more abuse her, than I cou’d love her.

Lucr.

Yet that last must be done.

Lean.

How!

Lucr.

Dost believe me so wicked to think I mean in earnest?
No, tell her me a fine story of Love, and liking, gaze on her,
kiss her hands, and sigh, commend her face and shape, swear she’s
the miracle of the Age for wit, cry up her Learning, vow you
were an Ass, not to be sensible of her perfections all this while,
what a Coxcombe, to doat upon the Daughter when such charms
were so visible in the Mother? Faith she’l believe all this.

Lean.

It may be so, but what will all this serve for?

Lucr.

To give us time and opportunity to deceive her, or I’me
mistaken.

Lean.

I cannot teach my Tongue so much deceit.

Lucr.

You may be a fool and cry, Indeed forsooth I cannot
love, for alas I have lost my heart, and am unworthy of your
proffer’d blessings,――doe, and see her marry me in spight to this F Fop F1v 34
Fop Easy, this Knight of Nonsence; no, no, dissemble me handsomely
and like a Gentleman, and then expect your good fortune.

Enter Antick.

Ant.

Madam, your Mother’s coming.

Lucr.

Away then, she must not see us together, she thinks
you gon.

Lean.

But must I carry off no comfort with me?

Lucr.

Will you expose me to the incens’d jealousy of a Parent?
goe or I shall hate ye,――Thrusts him out.

Scene

A Garden Enter Maundy by dark: opens the Garden door.

Maun.

Now am I return’d to my old trade again, fetch and
carry my Ladies Lovers, I was afraid when she had been married
these night-works wou’d have ended, but to say truth, there’s a
Conscience to be used in all things, and there’s no reason she
shou’d languish with an old man when a young man may be had.
――The door opens, he’s come,――Enter Lodwick.
I see you’re a punctual Lover Sir, Pray follow me as softly as
you can.

Lod.

This is some one whom I preceive Isabella has made the
Confident to our Amours.――Exeunt.

Scene draws off, and discovers La. Fancy in her Night-gown,
in a Chamber as by the dark.

La. Fa.

Oh the agreeable confusion of a Lover high with expectation
of the approaching bliss! What tremblings between
joy and fear possess me? All my whole Soul is taken up with
Wittmore, I’ve no Idea’s, no thoughts but of Wittmore, and sure
my tongue can speak no other language, but his name.――
Who’s there?

Enter F2r 35 Enter Maundy leading Lodwick.

Maun.

Madam, ’tis I, and your expected Lover here――I put
him into your hands, and will wait your commands in the next
Chamber.Ex. Maund.

Lod.

Where are you my dearest Creature?

La. Fa.

Here,――give me your hand, I’le lead you to those
joys we both so long have sight for.

Lod.

Hah! to joys? sure she doth but dally with me,—Aside.

La. Fa.

Why come you not on my Dear?

Lod.

And yet, why this admission? and i’th’ dark too, if she
design’d me none but vertuous Favours?――What damn’d
temptation’s this?

La. Fa.

Are you bewitch’d, what is’t that frights you?

Lod.

I me fixt, Death, was ever such a Lover?Just ready for the highest joys of Love,And like a bashfull Girl restrain’d by fearOf an insuing Infamy,――I hate to Cuckold my own Expectations.

La. Fa.

Heavens! what can you mean?

Lod.

Death, what’s this,――sure ’tis not Vertue in me,――Pray
Heaven it be not impotence!――Where got I this damn’d honesty
which I never found my self master of till now?――why
shou’d it seize me when I had least need on’t?

La. Fa.

What ails you? are you mad?――we are safe, and
free as Winds let loose to ruffle all the Groves, what is’t delays
you then? Soft.

Lod.

Pox o’ this thought of Wife, the very name destroys my appetite, Oh with what vigor I could deal my LoveTo some fair lewd, unknown,To whom I’de never made a serious vow?

La. Fa.

Tell me the Mystery of this sudden coldness? have I
kept my Husband in Town for this? Nay, perswaded him to be
very sick to serve our purpose, and am I thus rewarded!――ungrateful
man!

Lod.

Hah, ――’tis not Isabella’s voice,――your Husband
say you?――Takes hold greedily of her hand.

F2 La. Fa. F2v 36

La. Fa.

Is safe, from any fear of interrupting us.

Come――these delays do ill consist with Love

and our desires; at least if they are equal.

Lod.

Death ’tis the charming Mother!

What lucky Star directed me to night!

Oh my fair dear dissembler, let us haste

To pay the mighty Tribute due to Love.

La. Fa.

Follow me then with careful silence,――for Isabella’s
Chamber joyns to this, and she may hear us.

Lod.

Not Flowers grow, nor smooth streams glide away

Not absent Lovers sigh, nor breaks the day

More silently than I’le those joys receive,

Which Love and Darkness do conspire to give.

Exeunt. Scene changes again to a Garden. Enter Isabella and Fanny
in their Night-gowns.

Isab.

Well I have no mind to let this dear mad Devil Lodwick
in to night.

Fan.

Why Sister, this is not the first venture you have made
of this kind, at this hour, and in this place, these Arbours were
they tell-tales, cou’d discover many pretty stories of your loves,
and do you think they’l be less faithfull now? Pray trust ’em
once again. Oh I do so love to hear Mr. Lodwick protest, and
vow, and swear, and dissemble, and when you don’t believe
him, rail at you,――a vads ’tis the prettiest man――

Isab.

I have a strange apprehension of being surpris’d to
night.

Fan.

I’le warant you, I’le sit on yon’ Bank of Pinks and when
I hear a noise I’le come and tell you, so Lodwick may slip out at
the back gate, and we may be walking up and down as if we
meant no harm.

Isab.

You’l grow very expert in the arts of Love Fanny?

Fan.

When I am big enough, I shall do my endeavour, for I
have heard you say, Women were born to no other end than to
love: And ’tis fit I should learn to live and die in my calling,
――Come open the Gate or you’l repent it, we shall have my
Father marry you within a day or two to that ugly man that
speaks hard words.――a vads I can’t abide him.

Isab.

What noise is that?

Fan.

Why ’tis Mr. Lodwick at the Garden door,――let him in F3r 37
in whilst I’le to my Flowery Bank and stand Centinel.――

Runs off. Isabella opens the Gate. Enter Wittmore.

Witt.

Who’s there?

Isab.

Speak low, who should it be but the kind fool her self
who can deny you nothing, but what you dare not take?

Witt.

Not take! what’s that? hast thou reserves in store? ――Oh come and let me lead thee to thy Bed,Or seat thee on some Bank of softer Flowers,Where I may rifle all they unknown store.

Isab.

How! surely you’re not in earnest?――Do you love me?

Witt.

Love thee!

by thy dear self all that my Soul adores,

I’me all impatient Flame! all over Love!

――You do not use to doubt, but since you doe,

Come, and I’le satisfy thy obliging fears,

And give thee proofs how much my Soul is thine,

I’le breath it all a-new into thy bosom,――

Oh thou art fit for the transporting Play,

All loose and wanton, like the Queen of Love

When she descends to meet the Youth in shades.

Isab.

And are you Sir in earnest? can it be?

Witt.

That question was severe, what means my Love!

What pretty art is this to blow my flame,

Are you not mine? did we not meet t’injoy?

I came not with more vigorous eager hast,

When our first Sacrifice to Love we paid,

Than to perform that Ceremony now.

Come do not let the Sacred Fire burn out

Which only was prepar’d for Love’s rich Altar,

And this is the Divine, dark, silent Minute.—

Goes to lead her off.

Isab.

Hold Ravisher, and know this sawcy Passion

Has render’d back your interest. Now I hate ye,

And my Obedience to my Father’s will

Shall marry me to Fain-love, and I’le despise ye.

Flings from him.

Witt.

Hah! Isabella! Death I have made sweet work,――stay
gentle maid,――she’l ruin all if she goe――stay――she knew
me, and cunningly drew me to this discovery; I’le after her and
undeceive her.Runs after her.

F3 A con- F3v 38 A confus’d Noise of the Serenade, the Scene draws off to
La. Fancy’s Antichamber.
Enter Isabella groping as in the dark.

Isab.

Pray Heaven I get undiscover’d to my Chamber, where
I’le make Vows against this perjur’d Man; hah, sure he follows
still; no Wood Nymph ever fled before a Satyr, with half that trembling
haste I flew from Lodwick,――oh he has lost his Vertue and
undone me.Goes out groping, and the noise of Serenade again.

Scene changes to Lady Fancy’s Bed-chamber, discovers her as before;
Lodwick as just risen in disorder from the Bed: buttoning
himself and setting himself in order; and noise at the door
of unlatching it.
Enter Isabella groping, Sir Patient without.

La. Fa.

It is this Door that open’d, and which I thought I
had secur’d.

Sir Pat.

Oh insupportable, abominable, and not to be indur’d!

Isab.

Hah my Father! I’me discover’d and pursu’d,――grant me
to find the Bed.

La. Fa.

Heav’ns ’twas my Husbands Voice, sure we’re betray’d.
It must be so, for what Devil but that of Jealousy, cou’d raise
him at this late hour?

Isab.

Hah, where am I, and who is’t that speaks.――To her self.

Lod.

So, he must know that I have made a Cuckold of him.Aside.

S. P.

Within, call up my men, the Coachman, Groom, and Butler;
the Footmen, Cook and Gardener, bit ’em all rise and Arm, with
long Staff, Spade and Pitchfork, and sally out upon the wicked.

Lod.

Short! what a death shall I dye,――is there no place of
safety hereabouts――for there is no resisting these unmercifull
Weapons.

Isab.

A mans Voice!

La. Fa.

I know of none, nor how to prevent your discovery.

Enter F4r 39 Enter Sir Patient.

Sir Pat.

Oh oh lead me forward, I’le lye here on the Garden
side, out of the hearing of this Hellish Noise.

La. Fa.

Hah Noise――what means he?

Lod.

Nay I know not, is there no escaping?――

Isab.

Who can they be that talk thus? sure I have mistook my
chamber.

La. Fa.

Oh he’s coming in—I’me ruin’d, what shall we doe?
here—get into the Bed—and cover your self with the clothes――
quickly――oh my Confusion will betray me.

Lodwick gets into the Bed, Isabella hides
behind the Curtain very near to him.
Enter Sir Patient led by Nurse and Maundy with Lights.

Maun.

Pray go back Sir, my poor Lady will be frighted out
of her wits at this danger you put your self into, the noise shall
be still’d.

La. Fa.

Oh what’s the matter with my Love, what, do you
mean to murder him? oh lead him instantly back to his Bed.

Sir Pat.

Oh oh, no, I’le lye here――put me to Bed, oh I faint,
—my Chamber’s possest with twenty thousand evil Spirits.

La. Fa.

Possest! what sickly Fancy’s this?

Sir Pat.

Ah the house is beset, surrounded and confounded
with profane tinkling, with Popish Horn-Pipes and Jesuitical
Cymballs, more Antichristitan and Abominable then Organs, or
Anthems.

Nurs.

Yea verily, and surely it is the spawn of Cathedrall Instruments
plaid on by Babylonish Minstrells, only to disturb the
Brethren.

Sir Pat.

Aye ’tis so, call up my Servants, and let them be
first chastis’d and then hang’d, accuse ’em for French Papishes,
that had a design to fire the City, or anything――oh I shall dye――
lead me gently to this Bed.

La. Fa.

To hinder him will discover all――stay Sir.――

Sir Pat.

Hah my Lady turn’d rebellious!Throws himself forward
to the Bed.

――put me to Bed I sasy, hah――what’s here—
what art thou――a Man――hah, a Man, Treason! betray’d! my
Bed’s defil’d, my Lady Polluted, and I am Cornuted, oh thou
Vile Serpent of my Bosome!She stands with her Face towards
the Stage in signes of fear.

Isab. F4v 40

Isab.

A Man, and in my Vertuous Lady Mothers Chamber! how
fortunate was I to light on this discovery!

La. Fa.

Well, Sir,――since you have seen him, I beseech you
for my sake, Dear, Pardon him this one time.Cokesing him.

Sir Pat.

Thou beg his Pardon? oh was ever heard such Impudence!

La. Fa.

Indeed my Love, he is to blame, but we that are judicious
should bear with the frailties of Youth.

Sir Pat.

Oh insupportable Audacity!――what canst thou say
false Woman?

La. Fa.

Truly not much in his defence my dear.

Isab.

Oh cunning Devil.――

La. Fa.

But Sir, to hide the weakness of your Daughter, I
have a little strain’d my Modesty.――

Isab.

Heav’ns! what says she?――

La. Fa.

’Tis Isabella’s Lover Sir, whom I’ve conceal’d.

Lod.

A good hint to save both our Credits.

Sir Pat.

How Mr. Fain-love mean you?

Lodwick rises and comes a little more forward,
Isabella does the like till both meet at the feet
of the Bed and start, Lodwick looking simply.

La. Fa.

Aye my dear, Mr. Fain-love.

Lod.

Isabella here! must she know too what a fine inconstant
Dog I am?――

Isab.

Lodwick! and in my Mothers Chamber! may I believe
my Eyes?

Sir Pat.

But how got he hither――tell me that! oh Youth,
Youth, to what degree of wickedness art thou arriv’d?

La. Fa.

She appointed him to come this night Sir, and he going
to her Chamber, by mistake came into mine, it being the next
to her’s.

Maun.

But Lord Sir, had you heard how my Lady school’d
him, whilst I ran down to fetch a light!

Lod.

Now does my Conscience tell me, I am a damn’d Villain.
――Aside, looking pitifully on Isabella.

La. Fa.

But the poor Man presently perceiv’d his mistake, and
beg’d my Pardon in such feeling termes――that I vow I had not
the heart to deny it him.

Isab.

Oh Traytor! wou’d thou hadst been that Ravisher I took
thee for, rather then such a Villain—false! and with my Mother
too!

La. Fa. G1r 41

La. Fa.

And just then Sir you came to the door, and lest
you shou’d see him, intreated me to hide him from your Anger,
――the offence is not so hainous Sir, considering he’s so soon to
marry her.

Sir Pat.

――Well Sir, and what have you to say in your defence?
――hah—how Mr. Knowell!――worse and worse――why
how came you hither Sir? hah,――

La. Fa.

Not Wittmore! oh I am ruin’d and betray’d.falls almost in a sound.

Sir Pat.

Hah, Isabella here too!――

Isab.

Yes Sir, to justify her Innocence.――

Sir Pat.

Hah! Innocence! and justify! take her away, go out
of my sight thou limb of Satan,―― take her away I say, I’le talk
with you to morrow, Lady fine tricks—I will.――

Isab.

――And I’le know before I sleep the mystery of all this,
and who ’twas this faithless Man sent in his room to deceive me in
the Garden.――Goes out.

Lod.

A plague of all ill-luck――how the Devil came she hither?
I must follow and reconcile her.――Going out, Sir Patient
stays him.

Sir Pat.

Nay Sir, we must not part so till I have known the
truth of this business I take it.

Lod.

Truth Sir, oh all that your fair Lady has said, Sir, I must
confess, her Eyes have wounded me enough with Anger, you need
not add more to my shame.――

La. Fa.

Some little comfort yet that he prov’d indeed to be
Isabella’s Lover: oh that I should mistake so unluckily!Aside.

Sir Pat.

Why, I thought it had been Mr. Fain-love.

La. Fa.

By all that’s good, and so did I.

Lod.

I know you did Madam or you had not been so kind to
me: your servant dear Madam,―― Going, Sir Patient
stays him.

La. Fa.

Pray Sir let him goe, oh how I abominate the sight of
a man that cou’d be so wicked as he has been!

Sir Pat.

Ha,――good Lady, excellent woman, well Sir for my
Ladies sake I’le let you pass with this, but if I catch you here again,
I shall spoil your intrigues, Sir, marry shall I, and so rest
ye satisfy’d Sir.――

Lod.

At this time, I am Sir――Madam a thousand blessings
on you for this goodness.――

G La. Fa. G1v 42

La. Fa.

Ten thousand Curses upon thee,――go boast the
ruine you have made.Aside to Lod.

Sir Pat.

Come, no more anger now my Lady; the Gentleman’s
sorry you see, I’le marry my pert Huswife to morrow for this,
――Maundy see the Gentleman safe out,――ah—put me to Bed,
ah――this nights work will kill me, ah, ah――

Ex. Lodwick and Maundy. The Scene draws over Sir Patient
and Lady: draws again and discovers the Garden, Wittmore,
Fanny and Isabella.

Isab.

How, Mr. Fain-love? it cannot be.――

Fan.

Indeed Sister ’tis the same for all he talks so, and he told
me his coming was but to try your vertue only.

Enter Lodwick and Maundy as passing over, but stand.

Isab.

That Fain-love whom I am so soon to marry! and but
this day courted me in another Dialect!

Witt.

That was my Policy Madam, to pass upon your Father
with. But I’me a Man that knows the value of the Fair, and saw
charms of Beauty and of wit in you, that taught me to know the
way to your heart was to appear my self, which now I doe. Why
did you leave me so unkindly but now?

Lod.

Hah, what’s this? whilst I was grafting horns on another’s
head, some kind friend was doing that good office for
me.

Maun.

Sure ’tis Wittmore!――oh that dissembler――this was
his Plot upon my Lady, to gain time with Isabella.Aside.

Witt.

And being so near my happiness, can you blame me,
if I made a tryall whether your Virtue were agreable to your
Beauty, great, and to be equally ador’d?

Lod.

Death, I’ve heard enough to forfeit all my patience――
Draw Sir and make a tryall of your Courage too.――

Witt.

Hah! what desperate fool art thou?draws.

Lod.

One that will see thee fairly damn’d e’re yield his Interest
up in Isabella――oh thou false Woman!

They fight out, Isabella and Maundy run off. Scene G2r 43 Scene changes to the long Street, a Pageant of an Elephant
coming from the farther end with Sir Credulous on it, and
several others playing on strange confused Instruments.

Sir Cred.

This sure is extraordinary, or the Devil’s in’t, and I’le
ne’re trust Serenade more.Come forward and all play again.
――hold, hold, now for the Song, which because I wou’d have
most Deliciously and Melodiously sung, I’le sing my self: look
ye,――hum――hum.――

Sir Credulous should have Sung.

Thou grief of my heart, and thou Pearl of my Eyes,

D’on on Flannel Peticoat quickly, and rise:

And from thy resplendent window discover

A face that wou’d mortify any young Lover:

For I like great Jove Transformed do wooe,

And am Amorous Owl, To wit to woo, to wit to woo.

A Lover Ads Zoz is a sort of a tool

That of all things you best may compare to an Owl:

For in some dark shades he delights still to sit,

And all the night long he cries Wo to wit.

Then rise my bright Cloris and d’on on slip-shoe:

And hear thy Amorous Owl chant, Wit to woo, wit to woo.

Sir Credulous Easy[Speaker label not present in original source]

――Well, this won’t do, for I perceive no Window open, nor
Lady-bright appear, to talk obligingly, ――perhaps the Song
does not please her, you Ballad-singers, have you no good Songs
of another fashion?

I. Man.

Yes Sir, several, Robin,――“Hark how the Waters
fall, fall, fall,”
――

Sir Cred.

How Man! Zoz, remove us farther off, for fear of
wetting.

I. Man.

No no, Sir, I only gave my fellow a hint of an excellent
Ballad that begins――“Ill wodded joys how quickly do you
fade.”
Sings.

Sir Cred.

Aye, aye that, we’l have that,――“Ill wodded joys how
quickly do you fade,――”
Sings That’s excellent! Oh now the G2 Win- G2v 44
Windows open, now, now show your capering tricks.Valting.

They all play again. Enter a company of fellows as out of Sir Patient’s House, led
on by a precise Clerk, all armed with odd weapons.

Abel.

Verily, verily, here be these Babes of Perdition, these
Children of Iniquity.

Rog.

A pox of your Babes and Children, they are men and
Sons of Whores whom we must bang confoundedly, for not letting
honest goldy People rest quietly in their Beds at Midnight.

Sir Cred.

Who’s there?

Rog.

There with a Pox to you, cannot a Right-worshipful
Knight that has been sick these Twenty Years with taking Physick,
sleep quietly in his own House for you, and must we be
rais’d out of our Beds to quiet your Hell-pipes in the Devil’s
name?

Abel.

Down with Gog and Magog, there, there’s the rotten Bellwether
that leads the rest astray, and defiles the whole flock.

Rog.

Hang your Preaching and let’s come to him, we’l maule
him.Beat Sir Cred.

Sir Cred.

Oh Quarter Quarter, Murther, help, Murther, Murther.

Enter Lodwick.

Lod.

Damn these Rascalls who e’re they were, that so unluckily
redeem’d a Rival from my fury,—Hah, they are here,—
Egad I’le have one touch more with ’em,— the dogs are spoiling
my design’d Serenade too—have amongst ye,
――Sir Credulous how is’t?Fights and
beats ’em off.

Sir Cred.

Who’s there, Lodwick! Oh dear Lad, is’t thou that
hast redeem’d me from the inchanted Cudgels that demolish’d
my triumphant Pageant, and confounded my Serenade? Zoz,
I’me half kill’d man,――I have never a whole Bone about
me sure.

Lod.

Come in with me――a plague upon the Rasal that
escap’t me.Exeunt.

The End of the Third Act.

ACT G3r 45

Act IV

Scene I.

Lady Knowel’s House Enter Lucretia followed by Sir Credulous.

Lucr.

Marry’d to morrow! and leave my Mother the possession
of Leander? I’le die a thousand Deaths first,――
How the Fool haunts me!Aside.

Sir Cred.

Nay delicious Lady, you may say your Pleasure, but
I will justify the Serenade to be as high a piece of Gallantry as
was ever practised in our Age, tho’ not comparable to your
Charms and Celestial Graces, which shou’d I praise as I ought,
’twou’d require more time than the Sun employs in his Natural
motion between the Tropicks; that is to say a whole Year, (for
by the way, I am no Copernican) for, Dear Madam, you must
know my Rhetorick Master,――I say my Rhetorick Master
who was――

Lucr.

As great a Coxcombe as your self,――pray leave me
I am serious,――I must go seek out Lodwick.

Sir Cred.

Leave ye! I thank you for that I’faith, before I have
spoke out my speech, therefore I say Divine Lady――because
my Rhetorick Master commanded the frequent use of Hypallages,
Allegories, and the richest Figures of that beauteous Art,――
because my Rhetorick,――

Lucr.

I must leave the Fool, follow if you dare, for I have no
leasure to attend your nonsense.Goes out.

Enter Lady Knowell.

La. Kno.

What, alone Sir Credulous? I left you with Lucretia.

Sir Cred.

Lucretia! I’me sure she makes a very Tarquinius Sextus
of me, and all about this Serenade,—I protest and vow, incomparable
Lady, I had begun the sweetest Speech to her — tho’ I say’t,
such Flowers of Rhetorick — ’twou’d have been the very Nosegay
of Eloquence, so it wou’d; and like an ungratefull illiterate
Woman as she is, she left me in the very middle on’t, so snuffy
I’le warrant.

G3 La.Kn. G3v 46

La. Kn.

Be not discourag’d Sir, I’le adapt her to a reconciliation,
Lovers must sometimes expect these little Belli-fugaces,
the Grecians therefore truly named Love Glaucupicros Eros.

Sir Cred.

Nay bright Lady, I am as little discourag’d as another,
but I’me sorry I gave so extraordinary a Serenade to so
little purpose.

La. Kn.

Name it no more, ’twas onely a Gallantry mistaken,
but I’le accelerate your felicity, and to morrow shall conclude
the great dispute, since there is such Volubility and Vicissitude
in Mundan affairs.――Goes out.

Enter Lodwick, stays Sir Credulous as he is going out the other way.

Lod.

Sir Credulous, whither away so fast?

Sir Cred.

Zoz, what a Question’s there, dost not know I am
to untie the Virgin Zone to morrow, that is, barter Maiden-heads
with thy Sister, that is, to be Married to her man, and I must to
Lincolns-Inne to my Counsel about it.

Lod.

My Sister just now told me of it, but Sir, you must not
stir.

Sir Cred.

Why what’s the matter?

Lod.

Have you made your Will?

Sir Cred.

My Will! no, why my Will man?

Lod.

Then for the good of your Friends and Posterity stir not
from this place.

Sir Cred.

Good Lord, Lodwick, thou art the strangest Man,
――what do ye mean to fright a body thus?

Lod.

You remember the Serenade last night?

Sir Cred.

Remember it! Zoz I think I do, here be the marks
on’t sure.――Pulls off his Peruke and
shews his head broke.

Lod.

Ads me, your head’s broke.

Sir Cred.

My head broke! why ’twas a hundred to one but
my neck had been broke.

Lod.

Faith not unlikely,――you know the next House is
Sir Patient Fancy’s; Isabella too you know is his Daughter.

Sir Cred.

Yes, yes she was by, when I made my dumb Oration.

Lod.

The same,―― this Lady has a Lover, a mad, furious,
fighting killing Hector, (as you know there are enough about
this Town) this Monsieur supposing you to be a Rival, and that
your Serenade was addrest to her—

Sir Cred. G4r 47

Sir Cred.

Enough, I understand you, set those Rogues on to
murder me.

Lod.

Wou’d ’twere no worse.

Sir Cred.

Worse! Zoz man, what the Devil can be worse?

Lod.

Why he has vow’d to kill you himself where-ever he
meets you, and now waits below to that purpose.

Sir Cred.

Sha, sha, if that be all I’le to him immediately, and
make Affidavit I never had any such design. Madam Isabella?
ha, ha, alas poor man, I have some body else to think on.

Lod.

Affidavit! why he’l not believe you, should you swear
your heart out, some body has possest him that you are a damn’d
Fool, and a most egregious Coward, a fellow that to save your
life, will swear any thing.

Sir Cred.

What cursed luck’s this!――why how came he to
know I liv’d here?

Lod.

I believe he might have it from Leander who is his
friend.

Sir Cred.

Leander, I must confess I never lik’d that Leander,
since yesterday.

Lod.

He has deceiv’d us all that’s the truth on’t, for I have
lately found out too, that he’s your Rival, and has a kind of
a――

Sir Cred.

Smattering to my Mistress, hah, and therefore wou’d
not be wanting to give me a lift out of this world, but I shall
give him such a go-by――my Lady Knowell understands the
difference between Three thousand a year and prethee what’s
his Estate?

Lod.

Shaw—not sufficient to pay Surgeons Bills.

Sir Cred.

Alas poor Ratt, how does he live then?

Lod.

Hang him, the Ladies keep him, ’tis a good handsom fellow
and has a pretty Town Wit.

Sir Cred.

He a Wit! what, I’le warrant he writes Lampoons,
rails at Plays, curses all Poetry but his own, and mimicks the
Players—ha,

Lod.

Some such common Notions he has that deceive the Ignorant
Rabble, amongst whom he passes for a very smart Fellow,
――’slife he’s here.

Enter Leander

Sir Cred.

Why――what shall I doe, he will not affront me before
company? hah!

Lod. G4v 48

Lod.

Not in our house Sir, —bear up and take no notice on’t.

Lod. whispers Lean.

Sir Cred.

No notice, quoth he? why my very fears will betray
me.

Lean.

Let me alone,—Lodwick, I met just now with an Italian
Merchant, who has made me such a Present!

Lod.

What is’t prethee?

Lean.

A sort of specifick Poyson for all the Senses, especially
for that of smelling, so that had I a Rival, and I shou’d see
him at any reasonable distance, I cou’d direct a little of this Scent
up to his Brain so subtlely, that it shall not fail of Execution in
a day or two.

Sir Cred.

How—Poyson!

Shewing great signes of fear,
and holding his Nose.

Lean.

Nay should I see him in the midst of a thousand People,
I can so direct it that it shall assault my Enemies Nostrils only,
without any effects on the rest of the Company.

Sir Cred.

Oh――I’me a dead man!

Lod.

Is’t possible?

Lean.

Perhaps some little sneezing or so, no harm; but my
Enemy’s a dead man Sir, kill’d.

Sir Cred.

Why, this is the most damnable Italian trick I ever
heard of; why this outdoes the famous Poysoner Madam Brenvilliers,
well, here’s no jesting I perceive that, Lodwick.

Lod.

Fear nothing, I’le secure you.Aside to him.

Enter Wittmore.

Lodwick Knowell[Speaker label not present in original source]

Wittmore! how is’t friend! thou lookest cloudy.

Witt.

You’le hardly blame me Gentlemen, when you shall
know what a Damn’d unfortunate Rascal I am.

Lod.

Prethee what’s the matter?

Lod.

――Why I am to be Marry’d Gentlemen, Marry’d to
Day.

Lod.

How, Marry’d! nay Gad then thou’st reason,—but to
whom prethee?

Witt.

There’s the Devil on’t again, to a fine young, fair, brisk
Woman that has all the temptations Heaven can give her.

Lod.

What pity ’tis they shou’d be bestow’d to so wicked an
end! Is this your intrigue that has been so long conceal’d from your
Friends?

Lean. H1r 49

Leand.

We thought’t had been some kind Amour, something
of Love and Honour.

Lod.

Is she Rich? if she be wonderous Rich, we’le excuse
thee.

Witt.

Her Fortune will be sutable to the Joynture I shall
make her.

Lod.

Nay then ’tis like to prove a hopefull Match,――what a
Pox can provoke thee to this, dost love her?

Witt.

No there’s another Plague, I am cursedly in love elsewhere,
and this was but a false address to hide that reall one.

Lod.

How, love another? in what quality, and manner?

Witt.

As a man ought to Love, with a good substantiall Pas
sion, without any design but that of right-down honest Injoyment.

Lod.

Aye, now we understand thee, this is something! ah
friend! I had such an adventure last night!――you may talk
of you intrigues and substantiall Pleasures, but if any of you can
match mine,――Egad I’le forswear womankind.

Lean.

An adventure! prethee where?

Sir Cred.

What, last night, when you rescu’d me from the Billbo-blades?
indeed ye lookt a little furiously.

Lod.

I had reason, I was just then come out of a Garden from
fighting with a man whom I found with my Mistress, and I had
at least known who’t had been but for the coming of those Rascalls
that set on you, who parted us, whilst he made his escape in
the crowd.

Witt.

Death! that was I, who for fear of being known got away,
was’t he then that I fought with, and whom I learnt lov’d
Isabella!Aside.

Lod.

You must know Gentlemen, I have a sort of a Matrimoniall
kindness for a very pretty woman, she whom I tell you I
disturb’d in the Garden, and last night she made me an assignation
in her Chamber: when I came to the garden Door by which I
was to have admittance, I found a kind of Necessary call’d a
Bawdy waiting-woman, whom I follow’d, and thought she wou’d
have conducted me to the right woman; but I was luckily and
in the dark led into a Ladies Chamber, who took me for a Lover
she expected,――I found my happy mistake, and wou’d not
undeceive her.

Witt.

This cou’d be none but Lucia.Aside.
――Well Sir, and what did you do there?

H Lod. H1v 50

Lod.

Doe? why what dost think? all that a man inspir’d by
Love cou’d doe, I followed all the Dictates of Nature, Youth
and Vigor!

Witt.

Oh hold my heart—or I shall kill the Traytor.Aside.

Sir Cred.

Follow’d all the Dictates of Nature, Youth, and Vigour?
prethee what’s that?

Lod.

I kist a thousand times her balmy Lips, and greedily
took in the nimble Sighs she breath’d into my Soul!

Witt.

Oh I can scarce contain my self.Aside.

Sir Cred.

Pshaw, is that all man?

Lod.

I claspt her lovely Body in my Armes,

and laid my Bosom to her panting Breast.

Trembling she seem’d all love and soft desire,

And I all burning in a youthfull fire.

Sir Cred.

Bless us, the Man’s in a Rapture.

Witt.

Damnation on them both.

Sir Cred.

Well to the point man, what didst doe all this while.

Lean.

Faith I fancy he did not sleep, Sir Credulous.

Lod.

No friend, she had too many Charms to keep me waking.

Sir Cred.

Had she so? I shou’d have beg’d her Charms pardon,
I tell her that though.

Witt.

Curse on my sloath, oh how shall I dissemble?Aside.

Lean.

Thy adventure was pretty lucky—but Wittmore thou
dost not relish it.

Witt.

My Mind’s upon my Marriage Sir,――if I thought he
lov’d Isabella I wou’d marry her to be reveng’d on him, at least
I’le vex his Soul as he has tortur’d mine,――well Gentlemen,
you’le dine with me,――and give me your opinion of my
Wife.

Lod.

Where dost thou keep the Ceremony?

Witt.

At Sir Patient Fancyes, my Father in Law.

Lod.

How! Sir Patient Fancy to be your Father in Law?

Lean.

My Uncle?

Witt.

He’s fir’d――’tis his Daughter Sir I am to Marry.――

Lod.

Isabella! Leander, can it be?――can she consent to this?
and can she love you?

Witt.

Why Sir, what do you see in me, shou’d render me unfit
to be belov’d?angry.

Lod.

Marry’d to day! by Heaven it must not be Sir.draws him aside.

Witt. H2r 51

Witt.

Why Sir, I hope this is not the kind Lady who was so
soft, so sweet, and charming last night.

Lod.

Hold Sir――we yet are friends.――

Witt.

And might have still been so, hadst thou not basely rob’d
me of my Interest.

Lod.

Death! do you speak my Language?Ready to draw.

Witt.

No, take a secret from my angry heart, which all its
friendship to thee cou’d not make me utter,—it was my Mistres
you surpris’d last night.

Lod.

Hah, my Lady Fancy his Mistress? Curse on my prating
Tongue.――Aside.

Sir Cred.

What a Devil’s all this, hard words, heart-burnings,
resentments and all that?

Lean.

You are not quarrelling I hope, my friends?

Lod.

All this Sir we suspected, and smok’t your borrowing Mony
last night, and what I said was to gain the mighty secret that
had been so long kept from your friends――but thou hast done a
baseness.――layes his hand on his Sword.

Lean.

Hold, what’s the matter?

Witt.

Did you not rob me of the Victory then I’ve been so long
a toyling for?

Lod.

If I had ’twou’d not have made her guilty, nor me a Criminall,
she taking me for one she lov’d, and I her for one that
had no interest in my friend, and who the Devil wou’d have refus’d
so fine a woman? nor had I, but that I was prevented by
her Husband,――but Isabella Sir you must resign.

Witt.

I will, provided that our friendship’s safe; I am this
day to marry her, and if you can find a means to do’t in my
room, I shall resign my interest to my friend, for ’tis the
lovely Mother I adore!

Lod.

And was it you I fought in the Garden?

Witt.

Yes, and thereby hangs a tale of a mistake almost equall
to thine, which I’le at leasure tell you.Talks to Lod. and Lean.

Sir Cred.

I’me glad they’re friends, Zoz here was like to have
been a pretty business, what Damnable work this same womankind
makes in a Nation of Fools that are Lovers!

Witt.

Look ye, I’me a Damn’d dull fellow at invention, I’le
therefore leave you to contrive matters by your selves, whilst
I’le go try how kind fortune will be to me this Morning, and see
in what readiness my Bride is; what you do must be thought on H2 sud- H2v 52
suddainly, I’le wait on you anon, and let you know how matters
goe,――I’me as impatient to know the truth of this, as for an
opportunity to injoy Lucia.goes out.

Lod.

Leander what shall I doe?

Lean.

You were best—consult your Mother and Sister, women
are best at intrigues of this kind: but what becomes of me?

Lod.

Let me alone to dispatch this fool, I long to have him
out of the way, he begins to grow troublesome――but now my
Mother expects you.――

Lean.

Prethee be carefull of me.—Ex. Leander.

Sir Cred.

What was this long whissper, something about me?

Lod.

Why yes faith I was perswading him to speak to his
friend about this business, but he swears there’s no hopes of a reconciliation,
you are a dead man unless some cleanly conveyance
of you be soon thought on.

Sir Cred.

Why, I’le keep within doors and defy malice and
foul weather.

Lod.

O he means to get a warrant and search for stolen goods,
prohibited Commodities or Conventicles, and there’s a thousand civill
pretences in this Town to commit outrages—let me see.—

They both pawse awhile.

Sir Cred.

Well I have thought,—and of such a business, that
the Devil’s in’t if you don’t say I am a man of intrigue.

Lod.

What is’t?

Sir Cred.

Ha ha ha, I must have leave to laugh to think how
neatly I shall defeat this son of a whore of a thunder thumping
Hector.

Lod.

Be serious Sir, this is no laughing matter, if I might advise,
you should steal into the Country, for two or three days till the
business be blown over.

Sir Cred.

Lord, thou art so hasty and conceited of thy own invention,
thou wilt not give a man leave to think in thy company,
why these were my very thoughts, nay more, I have found a way
to get off clever, though he watch me as narrowly as an inrag’d
Serjeant upon an escape.

Lod.

That indeed wou’d be a Master-piece.

Sir Cred.

Why, look ye, do ye see that great Basket there?

Lod.

I doe,――this you mean.—pulls in a Basket.

Sir Cred.

Very well, put me into this Basket, and cord me
down, send for a couple of Porters, hoist me away in a Direction,rection, H3r 53
to an old Uncle of mine, one Sir Anthony Bubleton at
Bubleton-Hall in Essex, and then Whip slap dash, as Nokes says in
the Play, I’me gone and who’s the wiser.

Lod.

I like it well.

Sir Cred.

Nay lose no time in applauding, I’le in, the Carrier
goes this morning, farewell Lodwick.――Goes into the Basket.
I’le be here again on Thursday. Lod. writes a direction.

Enter Boy.

Lod.

By all means Sir, ―― Who’s there,――call a couple of
Porters. Ex. Boy.

Sir Cred.

One word more, the Carrier lies at the Bell in Friday-street,
pray take care they set me not on my head.――Pops in again.

Enter Boy and two Porters.

Lod.

Come hither, cord up this Basket, and carry it where he
shall direct――Leander will never think he’s free from a Rival
till he have him in his possession,―― To Mr. Leander Fancy’s at
the next door; say ’tis things for him out of the Countrey.――
Write a direction to him on the Basket lid.Aside to the Boy.

Porters going to carry off the Basket
on a long Pole between ’em.
Enter Lady Knowel.

La. Kn.

What’s this? whither goes this Basket?

Sir Cred.

Ah Lord! they are come with the Warrant.

Peeps out of the Basket.

Lod.

Only Books Madam offer’d me to buy, but they do not
please me.

La. Kn.

Books? nay then set down the Basket Fellows, and
let me peruse ’em, who were the Authors, and what their Language?

Sir Cred.

A Pox of all Learning I say,――’tis my Mother-in-
Law.Porters going to set down the Basket.

Lod.

Hold, hold Madam, they are only English, and some Law-
French.

H3 La. Kn. H3v 54

La. Kn.

Oh faugh, how I hate that vile sort of reading! up
with ’em again fellows, and away.The Porters take
up and go out.

Lod.

God-a-mercy Law-French. Aside.

La. Kn.

Law-French! out upon’t, I cou’d find it in my heart
to have the Porters bring it back, and have it burnt for a Heresy
to Learning.

Lod.

Or thrown into the Thames, that it may float back to
Normandy to have the Language new modell’d.

La. Kn.

You say well, but what’s all this ad Iphicli bonis,
where’s Sir Credulous all this while? his affairs expect him.

Lod.

So does Leander your Ladiship within.

La. Kn.

Leander! Hymen, Hymenae, I’le wait on him, Lodwick
I am resolv’d you shall marry Isabella too, I have a design
in my head that cannot fail to give you the possession of her
within this two or three hours.

Lod.

Such an Indulgence will make me the happiest of men,
and I have something to say to your Ladiship that will oblige
you to hasten the design.――

La. Kn.

Come in and let me know it.Exeunt.

Scene II.

A Table and Chairs Enter Lady Fancy in a Morning dress, Maundy with Pen,
Ink, and Paper.

La. Fa.

Wittmore in the Garden saist thou with Isabella! Oh
Perjur’d man! it was by his contrivance then I was betray’d last
night.

Maun.

I thought so too at first Madam, till going to conduct
Mr. Knowel through the Garden, he finding Mr. Wittmore there
with Isabella, drew on him, and they both fought out of the Garden,
what mischief’s done I know not, ――but Madam, I hope
Mr. Knowel was not uncivil to your Ladiship: I had no time
to ask what past between you.

La. Fa.

Oh name it not! I gave him all I had reserved for
Wittmore! I was so possest with the thoughts of that dear false
one, I had no sense free to perceive the cheat,――but I will be
reveng’d,――come let me end my Letter, we are safe from interruption.

Maun. H4r 55

Maun.

Yes Madam, Sir Patient is not yet up, the Doctors
have been with him, and tell him he is not so bad as we perswaded
him.

La. Fa.

— And was he soft and kind? ――By all that’s good
she loves him, and they contriv’d this meeting, ――my Pen and
Ink―― I am impatient to unload my Soul of this great weight
of jealousie.――Sits down and writes.

Enter Sir Patient looking over her Shoulder a tip-toe.

Maun.

Heaven! here’s Sir Patient Madam.

La. Fa.

Hah, — and ’tis too late to hide the Paper,――I was
just going to subscribe my name.

Sir. Pat.

Good morrow, my Lady Fancy, your Ladiship is
well imploy’ed I see.

La. Fa.

Indeed I was, and pleasantly too, I am writing a Love-
letter Sir, —but my Dear, what makes you so soon up?

Sir Pat.

A Love-letter! —let me see’t.Goes to take it.

La. Fa.

I’le read it to you Sir.

Maun.

What mean you Madam?Aside.

Lady Fancy Reads

The Lady Fancy[Speaker label not present in original source]

“ It was but yesterday you swore you lov’d me, and I poor easy fool
believed, but your last nights Infidelity has undeceived my
heart, and rendred you the falsest Man that ever Woman
sight for. Tell me, how durst you, when I had prepared all
things for your enjoyment, be so great a Devil to deceive my
languishing expectations? And in your room send one that has undone――
Your ――”

Maun.

Sure she’s mad to read this to him.

Sir Pat.

Hum,――I profess ingenuously――I think it is indeed
a Love-letter,――my Lady Fancy what means all this? as I
take it here are Riddles and Mysteries in this business.

La. Fa.

Which thus Sir I’le unfold.—Takes the Pen and
writes Isabella.

Sir Pat.

How ! undone ―― your――Isabella, meaning my
Daughter?

La. Fa.

Yes my Dear, going this morning into her Chamber,
she not being there, I took up a Letter that lay open on her Table, H4v 56
Table, and out of curiosity read it, as near as I can remember
’twas to this purpose, I writ it out now because I had a mind
thou shou’d’st see’t; for I can hide nothing from thee.

Sir Pat.

A very good Lady I profess, to whom is it directed?

La. Fa.

Why,――Sir,――What shall I say, I cannot lay it
now on Lodwick.――Aside.
I believe she meant it to Mr. Fain-love, for whom else cou’d it
be design’d? she being so soon to marry him.

Sir Pat.

Hah, —Mr. Fain-love! so soon so fond and amorous!

La. Fa.

Alas, ’tis the excusable fault of all young Women,
thou knowest I as just such another fool to thee, so fond—
and so in love.—

Sir Pat.

Ha, ――thou wert indeed my Lady Fancy, indeed
thou wert,――but I will keep the Letter however, that this
idle Baggage may know I understand her tricks and intrigues.— Puts up the Letter.

La. Fa.

Nay then ’twill out: no I beseech you Sir give me the
Letter, I wou’d not for the World Isabella shou’d know of my
theft, ’twou’d appear malicious in me,—besides Sir, it does not
befit your Gravity to be concern’d in the little quarrels of
Lovers.

Sir Pat.

Lovers! Tell me not of Lovers, my Lady Fancy;
with Reverence to your good Ladiship, I value not whether
there be love between ’em or not, Pious wedlock is my business,
—nay, I will let him know his own too, that I will, with your
Ladiship’s permission.

La. Fa.

How unlucky I am!—Sir, as to his Chastisement, use
your own discretion, in which you do abound most plentifully,
――but pray let not Isabella hear of it, for as I wou’d preserve
my duty to thee, by communicating all things to thee, so
I wou’d conserve my good opinion with her.

Sir Pat.

Ah, what a blessing I possess in so excellent a Wife!
and in regard I am every day descending to my Grave,—ah—
I will no longer hide from thee the provision I have made for
thee, in case I die. —

La. Fa.

This is the Musick that I long’d to hear. —Die!—Oh
that fatal word will kill me— Weeps. Name it no more if
you’d preserve my life.――

Sir Pat. I1r 57

Sir Pat.

Hah,—now cannot I refrain joyning with her in affectionate
tears—no but do not weep for me my excellent Lady
――for I have made a pretty competent Estate for thee, Eight
thousand Pounds
, which I have conceal’d in my Study behind
the Wainscot on the left hand as you come in.

La. Fa.

Oh tell me not of transitory wealth, for I’me resolv’d
not to survive thee, Eight thousand Pounds say you?―― Oh
I cannot indure the thoughts on’t.Weeps.

Sir Pat.

Eight thousand Pounds just, my dearest Lady.

La. Fa.

Oh you’l make me desperate in naming it,―― is it in
Gold or Silver?

Sir Pat.

In Gold my Dearest the most-part, the rest in Silver.

La. Fa.

Good Heavens! why shou’d you take such pleasure
in afflicting me. Weeps.――Behind the Wainscot say you?

Sir Pat.

Behind the Wainscot, prethee be pacifi’d,――thou
makest me lose my greatest vertue, Moderation, to see thee thus,
alas we’re all born to die.――

La. Fa.

Again of dying! uncharitable man, why do you delight
in tormenting me? ――on the left hand say you as you go in?

Sir Pat.

On the left hand my Love, had ever Man such a
Wife?

La. Fa.

Oh my Spirits fail me,――lead me, or I shall faint,――
lead me to the Study and shew me where ’tis,――for I am able
to hear no more of it.

Sir Pat.

I will, if you will promise indeed and indeed, not to
grieve too much.Going to lead her out.

Enter Wittmore.

Witt.

Heaven grant me some kind opportunity to speak with
Lucia! hah, she’s here, ――and with her the fond Cuckold her
Husband, ――Death, he has spy’d me, there’s no avoiding
him.――

Sir Pat.

Oh, are you there Sir?――Maundy look to my Lady,
—I take it Sir, you have not dealt well with a person of my
Authority and Gravity.Gropes for the Letter
in his pocket.

Witt.

So, this can be nothing less than my being found out
to be no Yorkshire Esq; : a Pox of my Geneva breeding, it must
be so, what the Devil shall I say now?

I Sir Pat. I1v 58

Sir Pat.

And this disingenuous dealing does ill become the
person you have represented, I take it.

Witt.

Represented! Aye there ’tis, wou’d I were handsomely
off o’ this business; neither Lucia nor Maundy have any intelligence
in their demure looks that can instruct a man,――why
faith Sir, ――I must confess,――I am to blame――and that I
have—a—

La. Fa.

Oh Maundy! he’l discover all, what shall we do?

Sir Pat.

Have what Sir?

Witt.

From my violent passion for your Daughter.—

La. Fa.

Oh I’me all confusion.――

Witt.

Egad I am i’th’ wrong, I see by Lucia’s looks.

Sir Pat.

That you have Sir, you wou’d say, made a sport and
May-game of the ingagement of your word; I take it Mr. Fain-
love
, ’tis not like the stock you came from.

VVWitt.

Yes, I was like to have spoil’d all, ’sheart what fine
work I had made――but most certainly he has discover’d my
passion for his Wife,――well, Impudence assist me—I made
Sir a trifle of my word Sir, from whom have you this intelligence?

Sir Pat.

From whom shou’d I Sir, but from my Daughter Isabella?

Witt.

Isabella! The malicious Baggage understood to whom
my first Courtship was address’d last night, and has betray’d
me.

Sir Pat.

And Sir to let you see I utter nothing without precaution,
pray read that Letter.

Witt.

Hah――a Letter! what can this mean,―― ’tis Lucia’s
hand, with Isabella’s name to’t,— Oh the dear cunning Creature
to make her Husband the messenger too.He Reads.—How,
I send one in my room?

La. Fa.

Yes Sir, you think we do not know of the appointment
you made last night, but having other affairs in hand than
to keep your promise, you sent Mr. Knowel in your room,—false
man.

Witt.

I send him Madam! I wou’d have sooner died.

Sir Pat.

Sir as I take it he cou’d not have known of your designes
and Rendezvous without your information,――were not
you to have met my Daughter here to night Sir?

Witt.

Yes Sir, and I hope ’tis no such great crime, to desire a little I2r 59
little conversation with the fair person one loves, and is so soon
to marry, which I was hinder’d from doing by the greatest and
most unlucky misfortune that ever arriv’d: but for my sending
him, Madam, credit me, there’s nothing so much amazes me and
afflicts me, as to know he was here.

Sir Pat.

He speaks well, ingenuously he do’s,— well Sir for
your Father’s sake, whose memory I reverence, I will for once
forgive you, but let’s have no more night-works, no more Gamballs
I beseech you good Mr. Fain-love.

Witt.

I humbly thank ye Sir, and do beseech you to tell the
dear Creature that writ this, that I love her more than life or
fortune, and that I wou’d sooner have kill’d the man that usurp’d
my place last night than have assisted him.

La. Fa.

Were you not false then? ――Now hang me if I do
not credit him.Aside.

Sir Pat.

Alas good Lady! how she’s concern’d for my Interest,
she’s even jealous for my Daughter.Aside.

Witt.

False! charge me not with unprofitable sins; wou’d I
refuse a Blessing, or blaspheme a Power that might undo me?
wou’d I die in my full vigorous health, or live in constant pain?
All his I cou’d, sooner than be untrue.

Sir Pat.

Ingenuously, my Lady Fancy, he speaks discreetly, and
to purpose.

La. Fa.

Indeed my Dear he does, and like an honest Gentleman,
and I shou’d think my self very unreasonable not to believe
him,――and Sir I’le undertake your peace shall be made with
your Mistress.

Sir Pat.

Well, I am the most fortunate man in a Wife that ever
had the blessing of a good one.

Witt.

Madam, let me fall at your feet, and thank you for this
Bounty.Kneels.—Make it your own case, and then consider
what returns ought to be made to the most passionate and faithful
of Lovers.

Sir Pat.

I profess, a wonderful good natur’d youth this, rise Sir,
my Lady Fancy shall do you all the kind Offices she can, o’ my
word she shall.

La. Fa.

I’me all obedience Sir, and doubtless shall obey
you.

Sir Pat.

You must, indeed you must, and Sir I’le defer your
Happiness no longer, this day you shall be marry’d.

I2 VVitt. I2v 60

Witt.

This day Sir!――why, the Writings are not made.

Sir Pat.

No matter Mr. Fain-love, her Portion shall be equivalent
to the Jointure you shall make her, I take it, that’s sufficient.

Witt.

A Jointure quoth he! it must be in New Eutopian Land
then,――and must I depart thus, without a kind word, a look,
or a billiet, to signify what I am to expect?Looking on
her slily.

Sir Pat.

Come, my Lady Fancy, shall I wait on you down to
Prayer? Sir you will go get your self in order for your Marriage,
the great affair of human life, I must to my mornings Devotion:
come Madam.She endeavours to make
signs to Wittmore.

La. Fa.

Alas Sir, the sad discourse you lately made me, has so
disorder’d me, and given me such a pain in my head, I am not
able to endure the Psalm singing.

Sir Pat.

This comes of your weeping,――but we’l omit that
part of th’exercise, and have no Psalm sung.

La. Fa.

Oh by no means Sir, ’twill scandalize the Brethern,
for you know a Psalm is not sung so much out of devotion as ’tis
to give notice of our Zeal and Pious intentions, ’tis a kind of
Proclamation to the Neighbour-hood, and cannot be omitted,
――Oh how my head aches!

Witt.

He were a damn’d dull Lover that cou’d not guess what
she meant by this.Aside.

Sir Pat.

Well, my Lady Fancy, your Ladiship shall be obey’d,
――come Sir, we’l leave her to her Women.Ex. Sir Pat.

As Wittmore goes out, he bows and
looks on her, she gives him a sign.

Witt.

That kind look is a sufficient invitation.――

La. Fa.

Maundy follow’em down, and bring Wittmore back
again,—Exit Maund. There’s now a necessity of our contriving
to avoid this marriage handsomely,――and we shall at
least make two hours our own, I never wish’d well to long Prayers
till this minute.

Enter Wittmore.

Witt.

Oh my dear Lucia!

La. Fa.

Oh Wittmore! I long to tell thee what a fatal mistake
had like to have happen’d last night.

Witt. I3r 61

Witt.

My friend has told me all, and how he was prevented
by the coming of your Husband from robbing me of those sacred
delights I languish for, oh let us not lose inestimable time in
dull talking, but haste to give each other the only confirmation
we can give, how little we are our own.

La. Fa.

I see Lodwick’s a Man of Honour, and deserves a heart
if I had one to give him.Exeunt.

Scene III.

A Hall. Enter Sir Patient and Roger.

Sir Pat.

Roger, is Prayer ready, Roger?

Rog.

Truely nay Sir, for Mr. Gogle hath taken too much of the
Creature this Morning, and is not in case, Sir.

Sir Pat.

How mean you Sirrah, that Mr. Gogle is overtaken
with Drink?

Rog.

Nay Sir, he hath over-eaten himself at Breakfast only.

Sir Pat.

Alas and that’s soon done, for he hath a sickly Stomach
as well as I, poor man ――where is Bartholomew, the Clerk,
he must hold forth then today.

Rog.

Verily he is also disabled, for going forth last night by
your commandment to smite the wicked, he received a blow over
the Pericranium.――

Sir Pat.

Why how now Sirrah, Latin! the Language of the
Beast! hah――and what then Sir?

Rog.

Which blow I doubt Sir, hath spoiled both his Praying
and his Eating.

Sir Pat.

Hah! what a Family’s here? no prayer to day!

Enter Nurse and Fanny.

Nurs.

Nay verily it shall all out, I will be no more in the dark
lanthorn to the deeds of darkness.

Sir Pat.

What’s the matter here?

Nurs.

Sir, this young Sinner has long been privy to all the
daily and nightly meetings between Mr. Lodwick and Issabella, and
just now I took her tying a letter to a string in the Garden which
he drew up to his Window, and I have born it till my Conscience
will bear it no longer.

Sir Pat.

Hah, so young a Bawd!—tell me Minion,—private I3 meeting! I3v 62
meeting! tell me truth I charge ye, when? where? how? and
how often? oh she’s debauch’t! ――her reputation’s ruin’d, and
the’le need a double Portion. Come tell me truth, for this little
Finger here has told me all.

Fan.

Oh Geminy Sir, then that little Finger’s the hougesest
great Lyer as ever was.

Sir Pat.

Huzy huzy ――I will have thee whipt most unmercifully:
Nurse fetch me the Rod.

Fan.

Oh pardon me Sir this one time and I’le tell all.Kneels.
――Sir――I have seen him in the Garden, but not very
often.

Sir Pat.

Often! oh, my Family’s dishonoured, tell me truly
what he us’d to do there—or I will have thee whipt without cessation,
oh I’me in a cold Sweat, there’s my fine Maid, was he
with her long?

Fan.

Long enough.

Sir Pat.

Long enough!――oh ’tis so, long enough—for what,
hah? my dainty Miss, tell me, and didst thou leave ’em?

Fan.

They us’d to send me to gather flowers to make Nosegays
Sir.

Sir Pat.

Ah, demonstration, ’tis evident if they were left alone
that they were naught, I know’t,—and where were they the
while? in the close Arbour? ――Aye Aye――I will have it cut
down, it is the Pent-house of Iniquity, the very Coverlid of
Sin.

Fan.

No Sir, they sat on the Primrose Bank.

Sir Pat.

What, did they sit all the while, or stand—or—lye
—or—oh how was’t?

Fan.

They only sat indeed Sir Father.

Sir Pat.

And thou didst not hear a word they said all the
while?

Fan.

Yes I did Sir, and the man talkt a great deal of this,
and of that, and of t’other, and all the while threw Jesimine in
her bosome.

Sir Pat.

Well said, and did he nothing else?

Fan.

No indeed, Sir Father, nothing.

Sir Pat.

But what did she say to the man again?

Fan.

She said, let me see, ――Aye she said, Lord you’le forget
your self, and stay till somebody catch us.

Sir Pat.

Ah, very fine, —then what said he?

Fan. I4r 63

Fan.

Then he said, Well if I must be gon, let me leave thee
with this hearty curse, A Pox take thee all over for making me
love thee so confoundedly.

Sir Pat.

Oh horrible!

Fan.

—Oh I cou’d live here for ever, —that was when he kist
her――her hand only, are you not a Damn’d woman for
making so fond a Puppy of me?

Sir Pat.

Oh unheard of wickedness!

Fan.

Wou’d the Devil had thee and all thy family, e’re I had
seen thy Cursed face.

Sir Pat.

Oh I’le hear no more, ――I’le hear no more――why
what a Blasphemous wretch is this!

Fan.

Pray Sir Father, do not tell my Sister of this, she’le be
horribly angry with me.

Sir Pat.

No no, get you gon, —oh I am heart-sick――I’le up
and consult with my Lady what’s fit to be done in this affair, oh
never was the like heard of.――Goes out, Fanny goes the
other way.

Scene, the Lady Fancies Bedchamber, she’s discoverd with Wittmore
in disorder. A Table, Sword, and Hatt.

Maun.

Oh Madam, Sir Patient’s coming up.

La. Fan.

Coming up say you!

Maun.

He’s almost on the top of the Stairs, Madam.

Witt.

What shall I doe?

La. Fa.

Oh Damn him, I know not, if he see thee here after
my pretended Illness, he must needs discover why I feign’d,—I
have no Excuse ready,—this Chamber’s unlucky, there’s no avoiding
him, here――step behind the Bed, perhaps he has only
forgot his Psalm Book and will not stay long. Wittmore runs
behind the Bed.

Enter Sir Patient.

Sir Pat.

Oh, oh, pardon this interruption, my Lady Fancy
――oh I am half kill’d, my Daughter, my Honour――my
Daughter, my Reputation.

La. Fa.

Good Heavens Sir, is she dead?

Sir Pat.

I wou’d she were, her Portion and her Honour wou’d
then be sav’d, but oh I’me sick at heart, Maundy, fetch me the Bottle I4v 64
Bottle of Mirabilis in the Closet, —she’s wanton—unchast,
Enter Maundy with the Bottle.
oh I cannot speak it, oh the Bottle―― Drinks she has lost her
Fame, ――her Shame――her Name――oh Drinks this is not the
right Bottle—that with the red Cork DrinksEx. Maundy.
—and is grown a very t’other end of the town Creature, a very
Apple of Sodom, fair without and filthy within, what shall we
Enter Maundy.
doe with her? she’s lost, undone; Drinks hah—let me see,
Drinks this is— Drinks not as I take it— Drinks—no—
’tis not the right――she’s naught,――she’s lewd, —Drinks
oh how you Vex me— Drinks this is not the right Bottle,
yet―― Drinks no no――here. Gives her the Bottle.

Maun.

You said, that with the Red Cork Sir. Goes out.

Sir Pat.

I meant the Blew, ――I know not what I say, ――in
fine, my Lady let us marry her out of hand, for she is fall’n, fall’n
to Perdition; she understands more wickedness then had she
been bred in a profane Nunnery――a Court, or a Play-house,
Enter Maundy.
Drinks――therefore let’s Marry her instantly――out of hand,
Drinks Misfortune on Misfortune, Drinks――but Patience
is a wonderfull Vertue, Drinks—hah—this is very Comfortable,
—very Consoling,――I profess if it were not for these Creature
ravishing Comforts, sometimes, a Man were a very odd sort of
an Animal Drinks but ah――see how all things were ordain’d
for the use and comfort of man Drinks.

La. Fa.

I like this well; Ah Sir ’tis very true, therefore receive
it plentifully and thankfully.

Sir Pat.

Drinks Ingeniously――it hath made me marvellous
lightsome,――I profess it hath a very notable Faculty,
――very knavish—and as—it were――waggish,――but
—hah――what have we there on the Table? a Sword and
Hat?Sees Wittmore’s Sword and Hat on the Table
which he had forgot.

La. Fa.

Curse on my Dullness,――oh—these Sir, they are
Mr. Fainloves――he being so soon to be Marry’d, and being
straitned for time, sent these to Maundy to be new trim’d with Ribbon K1r 65
Ribbon Sir――that’s all,――take ’em away you naughty Baggage,
must I have mens things seen in my Chamber?

Sir Pat.

Nay nay, be not angry my little Rogue, I like the
young mans frugality well,――go go your ways, —get you
gon—and finefy your knacks, and tranghams, and do your business
—goe.――Smiling on Maundy, gently beating her
with his hand: she goes out, he bolts the
door after her, and sits down on the
Beds feet.

La. Fa.

Heavens, what means he!

Sir Pat.

Come hither to me my little Apes face, ――come
—come I say—what must I come fetch you? —Catch her, catch
her, catch her――catch her, catch her, catch her. Running after
her.

La. Fa.

Oh Sir I am so ill I can hardly stir.

Sir Pat.

I’le make ye well, come hither ye Monky face, did
it, did it, did it? alas for it, a poor silly fools face, dive it a blow
and I’le beat it.

La. Fa.

You neglect your Devotion Sir.

Sir Pat.

No no, no Prayer to day my little Rascall, ――no
Prayer to day――poor Gogle’s sick――come hither――why you
Refractory Baggage you, come or I shall touze you, ingenuously
I shall, tom tom or I’le whip it.

La. Fa.

Have you forgot your Daughter Sir? and your disgrace?

Sir Pat.

A fiddle on my Daughter, she’s a Chick of the old
Cock I profess, I was just such another was when young,—but
she shall be marry’d to morrow, a good Cloke for her knavery;
therefore come your ways, ye wag, we’le take a nap together,
good faith my little Harlot I mean thee no harm.

La. Fa.

No o’ my Conscience.――

Sir Pat.

Why then, why then you little Mungrel?

La. Fa.

His precise worship is as it were disguis’d, the outward
man is overtaken――pray Sir lye down, and I’le come to
you presently.

Sir Pat.

Away you wag, will you? will you—catch her there,
catch her.

La. Fa.

I will indeed――death there’s no getting from him,
――pray lye down――and I’le cover thee close enough I’le
warrant thee.――Aside. He lyes down, she covers him. K Had K1v 66
Had ever Lovers such spightfull Luck? hah――surely he sleeps,
bless the mistaken Bottle—Aye, he sleeps,—whist Wittmore.―― He coming out falls & pulls the Chair down, Sir Patient
flings open the Curtain.

Witt.

Plague of my over Care, what shall I doe?

Sir Pat.

What’s that, what noise is that? let me see, we are
not safe, lock up the doors, what’s the matter, what Thunder
Clap was that?Wittmore runs under the Bed: she runs to
Sir Patient and holds him in his Bed.

La. Fa.

Pray Sir lye still, ’twas I was only going to sit down,
and a suddain giddiness took me in my head which made me fall
and with me the Chair, there is no danger near ye Sir—I was just
coming to sleep by you.

Sir Pat.

Go you ’re a flattering Huswife, goe, Catch her, catch
her――catch her.—Lyes down, she covers him.

La. Fa.

Oh how I tremble at the dismal apprehension of beng
discovered, had I secur’d my self of the Eight thousand
Pound
, I wou’d not value Wittmores being seen, but now to be
found out wou’d call my Wit in question, for ’tis the fortunate
alone are wise.――Wittmore peeps from under the Bed: she
goes softly to the door to open it.

Witt.

Was ever man so Plagu’d?――hah――what’s this?
――confound my tell-tale Watch, the Larum goes, and there’s
no getting to’t to silence it;――Damn’d Misfortune!

Sir Patient rises and flings open the Curtains.

Sir Pat.

Hah, what’s that!

La. Fa.

Heavens! what’s the matter? we are destin’d to discovery.
She runs to Sir Patient, and leaves the door still fast.

Sir Pat.

What’s that I say, what’s that? let me see, let me
see, what ringing’s that, oh let me see what ’tis.

Strives to get up, she holds him down.

La. Fa.

Oh now I see my fate’s inevitable, alas that ever I was
born to see’t. Weeps.

Witt.

Death she’le tell him I am here! nay he must know’t,
a Pox of all invention and Mechanicks, and he were damn’d that
first contriv’d a Watch.

Sir Pat.

Hah, dost weep, ――why dost weep? I say what
noise is that? what ringing? hah.――

La. Fa.

’Tis that, ’tis that my dear that makes me weep, alas
I never hear this fatall Noise but some dear friend dyes.

Sir Pat. K2r 67

Sir Pat.

Hah, dyes! oh that must be I, Aye Aye, oh.

La. Fa.

I’ve heard it Sir this two dayes, but wou’d not tell you
of it.

Sir Pat.

Hah! heard it these two days? oh what is’t, a death-
watch?――hah.――

La. Fa.

Aye Sir, a death-watch, a certain Larum death-watch,
a thing that has warn’d our Family this hundred years, oh—I’me
the most undone Woman.

Witt.

A blessing on her for a dear dissembling Gilt —death
and the Devil, will it never cease?

Sir Pat.

A death-watch? ah, ’tis so, I’ve often heard of these
things――methinks it sounds as if ’twere under the Bed.―― Offers to look, she holds him.

La. Fa.

You think so Sir, but that ’tis about the Bed is my
grief, it therefore threatens you: oh wretched Woman!

Sir Pat.

Aye, aye, I’me too happy in a wife to live long: well,
I will settle my House at Hogsdowne with the Land about it,
which is 500 l. a year upon thee, live or dye,—do not grieve.— Lays himself down.

La. Fa.

Oh I never had more cause, come try to sleep; your
fate may be diverted――whilst I’le to prayers for your dear
health,――I have almost run Covers him, draws the Curtains.
out all my stock of Hypocrisie, and that hated Art now fails me,
—oh all ye Powers that favour distrest Lovers, assist us now, and
I’le provide against your future Malice. She makes signes to
Wittmore, he peeps.

Witt.

I’me impatient of Freedom, yet so much happiness as I
but now injoy’d without this part of Suffering had made me too
blest,――Death and Damnation! what curst luck have I?

Makes signes to her to open the Door: whilst he creeps
softly from under the Bed to the Table, by which going
to raise himself he pulls down all the Dressing things: at
the same instant Sir Patient leaps from the Bed, and
she returns from the door and sits on Wittmores back
as he lies on his hands and knees, and makes as if
she swounded.

Sir Pat.

What’s the matter! what’s the matter! has Satan broke
his everlasting Chain and got loose abroad to Plague poor Mortalls?
hah—what’s the matter?Runs to his Lady.

La. Fa.

Oh help, I dye, —I faint—run down and call for
help.

K2 Sir Pat. K1v 68

Sir Pat.

My Lady dying? oh she’s gon, she faints,――what
ho, who waits?Cries and baules.

La. Fa.

Oh, go down and bring me help, the door is lockt,
――they cannot hear ye――oh――I goe――I dye.――

He opens the door and calls help, help.

Witt.

Damn him! there’s no escaping without I kill the Dog. from under her, peeping.

La. Fa.

Lye still or we are undone.――

Sir Patient returns with Maundy.

Maun.

Hah, discover’d!

Sir Pat.

Help, help my Lady dies.――

Maun.

Oh I perceive how ’tis――Alas she’s dead, quite
gone, oh rub her temples Sir.

Sir Pat.

Oh I’me undone then, —Weeps oh my dear, my
Vertuous Lady?――

La. Fa.

Oh where’s my Husband, my dearest Husband—oh
and—oh
bring him near me.

Sir Pat.

I’me here my Excellent Lady.――

She takes him about the neck and raises her self
up, gives Wittmore a little kick behind.

Witt.

Oh the dear Lovely Hypocrite, was ever Man so near
discovery?――Goes out.

Sir Pat.

Oh how hard she presses my head to her Bosome!

Maun.

Ah, that grasping hard Sir, is a very bad sign.

Sir Pat.

How does my good, my dearest Lady Fancy?

La. Fa.

Something better now, give me more Air,――that
dismall Larum Death-watch had almost kill’d me.

Sir Pat.

Ah Precious Creature, how she afflicts her self for me,
—come let’s walk into the Dining room, ’tis more Airie, from
thence into my Study, and make thy self Mistress of that Fortune I
have design’d thee, thou best of Women. Exeunt, Leading her.

The End of the Fourth Act.

ACT V K3r 69

Act V

Scene I.

A Table and Six Chairs. Enter Isabella Reading a Letter, Betty tricking her.

Isab.

HHowow came you by this Letter?

Bet.

Miss Fanny receiv’d it by a string from his
Window, by which he took up that you writ to him this morning.

Isab.

What means this nicety? forbear I say.――

puts Betty from her.

Bet.

You cannot be too fine upon your Wedding day.

Isab.

Thou art mistaken, leave me, ――whatever he says here
to satisfy my jealousy, I am confirm’d that he was false, yet this
assurance to free me from this intended marriage, makes me resolve
to pardon him however guilty.―― Enter Wittmore.
How now! what means this insolence? How dare you having so
lately made your guilty approaches, venture again into my presence?

Witt.

Why? Is there any danger, but what’s so visible, in those
fair eyes?

Isab.

And there may lie enough Sir, when they’re angry. By
what Authority do you make this sawcy visit?

Witt.

That of a Husband Madam, I came to congratulate the
mighty joy this day will bring you.

Isab.

Thou dar’st not marry me, there will be danger in’t.

Witt.

Why sure you do not carry Death in your imbraces,
I find no Terrour in that lovely shape, no Daggers in that pretty
scornfull look; that breath that utters so much Anger now, last
night was sweet as new-blown Roses are, ――and spoke such
words, so tender and so kind.

Isab.

And canst thou think they were address’d to thee?

Witt.

No, nor cou’d the shade of Night hide the confusion
which disorder’d you, at the discovery that I was not he, the blessed
he you look’d for.

K2 Isab. K3v 70

Isab.

Leave me, thou hated object of my Soul.

Witt.

This will not serve your turn, for I must marry you.

Isab.

Then thou art a fool, aud drawest thy ruin on; why I
will hate thee, ――hate thee most extreamly.

Witt.

That will not anger me.

Isab.

Why, I will never let thee touch me, not kiss my hand,
not come into my sight.

Witt.

Are there no other women, kind, fair, and to be purchas’d?
he cannot starve for Beauty in this age, that has a stock
to buy.

Isab.

Why, I will Cuckold thee, look to’t; I will most damnably.

Witt.

So wou’d you, had you lov’d me, in a year or two; therefore
like a kind civil Husband I’ve made provision for you, a
friend, and one I dare trust my Honour with, —’tis Mr. Knowel,
Madam.

Isab.

Lodwick! What Devil brought that name to his knowledge?
――canst thou know him, and yet dare hope to marry
me?

Witt.

We have agree’d it, and on these conditions.

Isab.

Thou basely injurest him, he cannot do a deed he ought
to blush for: Lodwick do this! Oh do not credit it, ――prethee
be just and kind for thy own Honours sake, be quickly so,
the hasty minutes fly, and will anon make up the fatal hour that
will undoe me.

Witt.

’Tis true, within an hour you must submit to Hymen,
there’s no avoiding it.

Isab.

Nay then be gone my poor submissive Prayers, and all
that dull Obedience custom has made us slaves to, ――do Sacrifice
me, lead me to the Altar, and see if all the holy mystick
words can Conjure from me the consenting syllable: No, I will
not add one word to make the charm compleat, but stand as silent
in th’ inchantinginchanting Circle, as if the Priests were raising Devils
there.

Enter Lodwick.

Lod.

Enough, enough, my charming Isabella, I am confirm’d.

Isab.

Lodwick! what good Angel conducted thee hither?

Lod.

E’en honest Charles Wittmore here, they friend and mine,
no Bug-bear Lover he!

Isab. K4r 71

Isab.

Wittmore! that friend I’ve often heard thee name? now
some kind mischief on him, he has so frighted me, I scarce can
bring my sense to so much order, to thank him that he loves me
not.

Lod.

Thou shalt defer that payment to more leisure, we’re
men of business now. My Mother knowing of a Consultation of
Physicians which your Father has this day appointed to meet at
his house, has brib’d Monsieur Turboone his French Doctor in
Pension, to admit of a Doctor or two of her recommending,
who shall amuse him with discourse till we get our selves married;
and to make it the more ridiculous, I will release Sir Credulous
from the Basket, I saw it in the Hall as I came through,
we shall have need of the fool. Ex. Witt.

Enter Wittmore pulling in the Basket.

Witt.

’Twill do well.

Lod.

Sir Credulous how is’t man?Opens the Basket.

Sir Cred.

What am not I at the Carriers yet? — Oh Lodwick
thy hand, I’me almost poison’d ―― this Basket wants airing
extreamly, it smells like an old Ladies Wedding-Gown of my
acquaintance, but what’s the danger past, man?

Lod.

No, but there’s a necessity of your being for some time
disguis’d to act a Physician.

Sir Cred.

How! a Physician! that I can easily do, for I understand
Simples.

Lod.

That’s not material, so you can but Banter well, be very
Grave, and put on a starch’d countenance.

Sir Cred.

Banter? what’s that, man?

Lod.

Why Sir, talking very much, and meaning just nothing;
be full of words without any connexion, sence, or conclusion:

come in with me, and I’le instruct you farther.

Sir Cred.

Pshaw, is that all, say no more ont, I’le do’t, let me
alone for Bantering, —but this same damn’d Rival?—

Lod.

He’s now watching for you without, and means to souce
upon you, but trust to me for your security, come away, I
have your habit ready. Goes out.—This day shall make
thee mine, Dear Isabella.――Ex. Lod. and Witt.

Enter Sir Patient, and Leander, and Roger.

Sir Pat.

Marry Lucretia! is there no Woman in the City fit for K4v 72
for you but the Daughter of the most notorious fantastical Lady
within the Walls?

Lean.

Yet that fantastical Lady you thought fit for a Wife for
me Sir.

Sir Pat.

Yes Sir, Foppery with Money had been something,
but a poor Fop, hang’t ’tis abominable.

Lean.

Pray hear me Sir.

Sir Pat.

Sirrah, Sirrah, you’re a Jackanapes, ingenuously you are
Sir, Marry Lucretia quoth he!

Lean.

If it were so Sir, where’s her fault?

Sir Pat.

Why Mr. Coxcombe, all over. Did I with so much
care endeavour to marry thee to the Mother, only to give thee
opportunity with Lucretia?

Enter Lady Knowel.

Lean.

This Anger shews your great concern for me.

Sir Pat.

For my name I am, but ’twere no matter if thou
wert hang’d, and thou deservest it for thy lewd Cavaliering Opinion,
――they say thou art a Papist too, or at least a Church
of England
Man, and I profess there’s not a pin to chuse,――
Marry Lucretia!

La. Kn.

Were I querimonious, I shou’d resent the affront this
Balatroon has offer’d me.

Isab.

Dear Madam, for my sake do not anger him now. Aside to her.

La. Kn.

Upon my Honour you are very free with my Daughter
Sir.

Sir Pat.

How! she here! now for a Peal from her eternal
Clapper, I had rather be confin’d to an Iron-mill.

La. Kn.

Sure Lucretia merits a Husband of as much worth as
your Nephew Sir.

Sir Pat.

A better, Madam, for he’s the lewdest Hector in the
Town, he has all the Vices of youth, Whoring, Swearing,
Drinking, Damning, Fighting,――and a Thousand more, numberless
and nameless.

La. Kn.

Time Sir may make him more abstemious.

Sir Pat.

Oh never Madam! ’tis in’s Nature, he was born with
it, he’s given over to Reprobation, ’tis bred i’th’bone,――he’s
lost.

Lean.

This is the first good Office that ever he did me.

La. Kn. L1r 73

La. Kn.

What think you Sir, if in defiance of your Inurbanity,
I take him with all these faults my self?

Sir Pat.

How Madam!

La. Kn.

Without more Ambages Sir, I have consider’d your
former desires, and have consented to marry him, notwithstanding
your exprobrations.

Sir Pat.

May I believe this Madam, and has your Ladiship
that goodness!—and hast thou my Boy so much Wit? why this
is something now,—well he was ever the best and sweetest natur’d
youth,—why what a notable wag’s this? and is it true
my Boy, hah?

Lean.

Yes Sir, I had told you so before you permitted me
to speak.

Sir Pat.

Well Madam, he is onely fit for your excellent Ladiship,
he is the prettiest civillest Lad!――well go thy ways; I
shall never see the like of thee, no—Ingeniously the Boy’s made
for ever, Two thousand Pounds a year besides Money, Plate, and
Jewels, made for ever.――Well Madam, the satisfaction I take in
this Alliance, has made me resolve to give him immediately my
Writings of all my Land in Berkshire, Five hundred Pounds a year
Madam, and I wou’d have you Married this morning with
my Daughter, so one Dinner and one Rejoycing will serve
both.

La. Kn.

That Sir, we have already agree’d upon.

Sir Pat.

Well I’le fetch the Writings. Come Isabella, I’le not
trust you out of my sight to day. Ex. Sir Pat. and Isab.

Lean.

Well then Madam, you are resolv’d upon this business
of Matrimony.

La. Kn.

Was it not concluded between us Sir this morning?
and at the near approach do you begin to fear?

Lean.

Nothing Madam, since I’me convinc’d of your goodness.

La. Kn.

You flatter Sir, this is meer Adulation.

Lean.

No, I am that wild Extravagant my Uncle render’d me,
and cannot live confin’d.

La. Kn.

To one Woman you mean? I shall not stand with
you for a Mistress or two, I hate a dull morose unfashionable
Blockhead to my Husband, nor shall I be the first example
of a suffering Wife Sir; Women were created poor obedient
things.

L Lean. L1v 74

Lean.

And can you be content to spare me five or six nights
in a week?

La. Kn.

Oh you’re too reasonable.

Lean.

And for the rest, if I get drunk, perhaps I’le give to
you: yet in my Drink I’me damn’d ill natur’d too, and may neglect
my duty, perhaps shall be so wicked to call you cunning, deceitful,
gilting, base, and swear you have undone me, swear you
have ravish’d from my faithful heart, all that cou’d make it blest
or happy.

Enter Lucretia weeping.

La. Fa.Kn.

How now, Lucretia?

Lucr.

Oh Madam, give me leave to kneel before, and tell you
if you pursue the Cruelty I hear you’re going to commit, I am
the most lost, most wretched Maid that breaths; We two have
plighted faiths, and shou’d you marry him, ’twere so to sin as
Heaven wou’d never pardon.

La. Kn.

Rise fool.

Lucr.

Never, till you have given me back Leander, or leave
to live no more,――pray kill me Madam; and the same Flowers that deck your Nuptial-bed,Shall serve to strow my Herse, when I shall lieA dead cold witness to your Tyrrany.

La. Kn.

Rise, I still design’d him yours. ―― I saw with pleasure
Sir, your reclination from my addresses,— I have prov’d
both your Passions, and ’twere unkind not to Crown ’em with
the due præmium of each other’s merits. Gives her to Lean.

Lean.

Can Heaven and you agree to be so bountiful?

La. Kn.

Be not amaz’d at this turn, Rotat omne fatum, ――
but no more, —keep still that mask of Love we first put on,
till you have gain’d the Writings, for I have no joy beyond
cheating that filthy Uncle of thine, —Lucretia wipe your eyes,
and prepare for Hymen, the hour draws near. Thalessio, Thalessio!
as the Romans cry’d.

Lucr.

May you be still admir’d as you deserve!

Enter Sir Patient with Writings, and Isabella.

Sir Pat.

How Madam Lucretia, and in tears!

La. Kn.

A little disgusted Sir, with her Father-in-law, Sir.

Sir Pat.

Oh is that all, hold up thy head Sweet-heart, thy turn’s
next,—here Madam, I surrender my Title, with these Writings, and L2r 75
and with ’em my Joy, my Life, my Darling, my Leander, ――
now let’s away, where’s Mr. Fain-love.

Isab.

He’s but stept into Cheapside to fit the Ring Sir, and will
be here immediately.

Sir Pat.

I have business anon about Eleven of the Clock, a
Consultation of Physicians to confer about this Carkase of mine.

Lean.

Physicians Sir, what to doe?

Sir Pat.

To do! why to take their advice Sir, and to follow
it.

Lean.

For what I beseech you Sir?

Sir Pat.

Why Sir for my health.

Lean.

I believe you are not sick Sir, ――unless they make
you so.

Sir Pat.

They make me so!—do you hear him Madam,—
am not I sick Sir? not I, Sir Patient Fancy sick?

La. Kn.

He’le destroy my design, —how Mr. Fancy, not Sir
Patient
sick? or must he be incinerated before you’le credit it?

Sir Pat.

Aye Madam, I want but dying to undeceive him, and
yet I am not sick!

Lean.

Sir I love your life, and wou’d not have you die with
Fancy and Conceit.――

Sir Pat.

Fancy and Conceit! do but observe him Madam, —
what do ye mean Sir, by Fancy and Conceit?

La. Kn.

He’le ruin all, ――why Sir,――he means――

Sir Pat.

Nay let him alone, let him alone, (with your Ladiships
pardon)――come Sir,――Fancy and Conceit, I take it,
was the Question in debate,—

Lean.

I cannot prove this to you Sir, by force of Argument,
but by demonstration I will, if you will banish all your couzening
Quacks, and take my wholesome advice.

Sir Pat.

Do but hear him Madam, not prove it.

La. Kn.

Sir he means nothing, ――not sick! alas Sir you’re
very sick.

Sir Pat.

Aye, Aye, your Ladiship is a Lady of profound knowledge
――why have I not had the advice of all the Doctors in
England, and have I not been in continual Physick this Twenty
years,—and yet I am not sick! ask my dear Lady Sir, how sick I
am, she can inform you. La. Kno. goes and talks to Isab.

Lean.

She does her endeavour Sir, to keep up the humour.

L2 Sir L2v 76

Sir Pat.

How Sir!

Lean.

She wishes you dead Sir.

Sir Pat.

What said the Rascal? wishes me dead!

Lean.

Sir she hates you.

Sir Pat.

How! hate me! what my Lady hate me?

Lean.

She abuses your Love, plays tricks with ye, and cheats
ye Sir.

Sir Pat.

Was ever so prophane a wretch! what, you will not
prove this neither?

Lean.

Yes, by demonstration too.

Sir Pat.

Why thou sawcie Varlet, Sirrah, Sirrah thank my Lady
here I do not cudgel thee,――well I will settle the rest
of my Estate upon her to morrow, I will Sir, —and thank God
you have what you have Sir, make much on’t.

Lean.

Pardon me Sir, ’tis not my single opinion, but the whole
City takes notice on’t, that I tell it you Sir is the effects of my
Duty not Interest, pray give me leave to prove this to you
Sir.

Sir Pat.

What you are at your Demonstration again?—come
――let’s hear.

Lean.

Why Sir, —give her frequent opportunities,――and
then surprise her,—or,—by pretending to settle all upon her,
— give her your Power, and see if she do not turn you out of
doors,――or――by feigning you are sick to death――or
indeed by dying.

Sir Pat.

I thank you Sir, ――this indeed is Demonstration,
I take it.――Pulls off his Hat.

Lean.

I mean but feinging Sir, and be a witness your self of her
sorrow, or contempt.

Sir Pat.

Pauses—Hah—hum,—why ingeniously this may be
a very pretty Project,— well Sir, suppose I follow your advice?
— nay I profess I will do so, not to try her Faith, but to
have the pleasure to hear her Conjugal Lamentations, feel her
Tears bedew my Face, and her sweet Mouth kissing my Cheeks
a thousand times, verily a wonderful comfort,―― and then
Sir, what becomes of your Demonstration.―― Enter Wittmore with the Ring.
Oh, ――Mr. Fain-love, come come you’re tardy, let us away
to Church.

Enter L3r 77 Enter Roger.

Rog.

Sir here is Doctor Turboone, and those other Doctors
your Worship expected.

Enter Lady Fancy.

Sir Pat.

The Doctors already!――well bring ’em up, come
Madam, we have waited for your Ladiship,――bring up the
Doctors Roger.

La. Fa.

Wittmore, I have now brought that design to a happy
conclusion for which I married this Formal Ass, I’le tell thee
more anon, —we are observ’d.

La. Kn.

Oh Lodwick’s come.

Enter Lodwick, Monsieur Turboon, Fat Doctor, Amsterdam,
Leyden, Sir Credulous.

Sir Pat.

Doctor Turboon your Servant, I expected you not this
two hours.

Turb.

Nor had ee com Sir, bot for dese wordy Gentelmen, whos
affairs wode not permit dem to com at your hour.

Sir Pat.

Are they English pray?

Turb.

Dis is Sir,—pointing to Lod. an admirable Physician,
and a rare Astrologer.――Dis speaks good English, bot a Collender
born. points to Sir Cred.

Sir Cred.

What a pox does the Fellow call me a Cullender?

Lod.

He means a High-Dutch man of the Town of Collen, Sir.

Sir Pat.

Sir I have heard of your Fame,—Doctor pray entertain
these Gentlemen till my return, I’le be with you presently.

Lod.

Sir I hope you go not forth to day?Gazing on his Face.

Sir Pat.

Not far, Sir.

Lod.

There is a certain Star has rul’d this two daies Sir, of a
very malignant Influence to persons of your Complexion and
constitution,—let me see—within this two hours and six Minutes,
its Malice will be spent, till then it will be fatall.

Sir Pat.

Hum, reign’d this two days?— I profess and things have
gon very cross with me this two daies,—a notable man this.

La. Kn.

Oh a very Profound Astrologer Sir, upon my Honour
I know him.

Sir Pat.

But this is an affair of that importance Sir――

Lod.

If it be more than health or Life, I beg your Pardon Sir.

Sir Pat.

Nay no offence Sir I beseech you, I’le stay Sir.

L3 La.Kn. L3v 78

La. Kn.

How! Sir Patient not see us Married?

Sir Pat.

You shall excuse me Madam.

La. Fa.

This was lucky, oh Madam wou’d you have my Dear
venture out, when a malignant Star reigns! not for the world.

Sir Pat.

No I’le not stir, had it been any Star but a malignant
Star, I had waited on your Ladiship. But these malignant Stars
are very Pernicious stars. Nephew, take my Lady Knowell;
Mr. Fain-love my Daughter, and Bartholomew do you conduct
my Lady, the Parson stays for you, and the Coaches are at the door. Exeunt Lady Knowell, Leander, Wittmore and Isab.
Lady Fancy and Bartholomew.

Enter Boy.

Boy.

Sir, my Lady has sent for you.

Lod.

Sir I’le be with you presently, Sir Credulous be sure you
lug him by the Ears, with any sort of stuff, till my return, I’le
send you a friend to keep you in Countenance.

Sir Pat.

Please you to sit Gentlemen?

Amst.

Please you Sir. To Sir Cred. who bows and runs back.

Sir Cred.

Oh Lord sweet Sir, I hope you do not take me—
Nay I beseech you Noble Sir――Reverend Sir.Turning from one to t’other.

Leyd.

By no means Sir, a stranger.

Sir Cred.

I beseech you――Scavantissimi Doctores,――incomparable
Sir,—and you――or you.

Fat D.

Introth Sir, these Complements are needless, I am
something corpulent and love my ease.Sits.

Sir Cred.

Generous Sir, you say well, therefore Conlicentia,
as the Grecians have it.Sits.

Amst.

――Brother.――

Leyd.

Nay good Brother,――Sir Patient.――

Sir Pat.

Ingeniously, not before you, Mr. Doctor.

Leyd.

Excuse me Sir, an Alderman, and a Knight.――

Sir Pat.

Both below the least of the Learned Society.

Leyd.

Since you will have it so.All sit and cry hum,—and
look gravely.

Sir Cred.

Hum— hum, most Worthy, and most Renouned—
Medicinæ Professores, qui hic assemblati estis; & vos altra Mesioris,
I am now going to make a Motion for the Publick good of
us all, but will do nothing without your Doctorships Approbation.

Sir Pat.

Judiciously concluded.

Sir Cred. L4r 79

Sir Cred.

The question then is, Reverentissimi Doctores, whether
—for mark me, I come to the matter in hand, hating long
Circumstances of words; there being no necessity as our Learned
Brother Rabalis observes in the most notorious Treatise of his
call’d Garagantua, there is says he, no necessity of going over the
Hedg when the Path lies fair before ye; therefore as I said before,
I now say again coming to my Question, for as that admirable
Welch Divine says in that so famous Sermon of his, upon
her Creat Crandfather Hadam and her Creat Crandmother Heeve
concerning the Happell, — and her will warrant her, her will
keep to her Text still, —so I stick close to my question, which
is Illustrissimi Doctores, whether it be not necessary to the Affair
in hand――to take――a Bottle, and if your Doctorships are
of my opinion――hold up your Thumbs.All hold up their
Thumbs.

—Look Sir, you observe the Votes of the Learned Cabalists.

Sir Pat.

Which shall be put in Act forthwith—I like this man
well, he does nothing without mature deliberation.Goes out.

Enter Brunswick.

Brun.

By your leaves Gentlemen,—Sir CredulousWhispers.

Sir Cred.

Oh—’tis Lodwicks Friend, the Rascall’s drest like
Vanderbergen in the Strand:—Sir Patient—pray know this glorious
Doctor Sir.

Sir Pat.

A Doctor Sir?

Sir Cred.

A Doctor Sir, yes, and as Eloquent a Doctor, Sir, as
ever set Bill to Post, why ’tis—the incomparable—Brunswick,
high Dutch Doctor.

Sir Pat.

You’re welcome Sir, —Pray sit; ah—well Sir you are
come to visit a very Crazy sickly Person Sir.

Brun.

Pray let me feel your Pulse Sir, —what think you Gentlemen,
is he not very far gone?— Feels his pulse, they all feel.

Sir Cred.

Ah far, far,—Pray Sir, have you not a certain wambling
Pain in your Stomach Sir, as it were Sir a—a Pain Sir.

Sir Pat.

Oh very great Sir, especially in a Morning Fasting.

Sir Cred.

I knew it by your stinking breath Sir, —and are you
not troubled with a pain in your Head Sir?

Sir Pat.

In my Head Sir?

Sir Cred.

I mean a—kind of a—Pain,—a kind of a—Vertigo
as the Latins call it, and a Whirligigoustiphon as the Greeks have L4v 80
have it, which signifies in English Sir, a Dizzie-swimming kind—of
a de ye see—a thing—that—a—you understand me.

Sir Pat.

Oh intolerable, intolerable,—why this is a rare man.

Fat D.

Your reason Sir for that?To Sir Cred.

Sir Cred.

My reason Sir? why my reason Sir is this, Haly the Moore, and Rabbie Isack and some thousands more of learned
Dutchmen observe your dull wall Eye and your Whir――Whirligigoustiphon,
to be inseparable.

Brun.

A most Learned reason.

Fat D.

Oh Sir inseparable.

Sir Cred.

And have you not a kind of a —something—de ye
mark me, when you make water, a kind of a stopping—and—
a—de ye conceive me, I have forgot the English term Sir, but
in Latin ’tis a Stronggullionibus.

Sir Pat.

Oh Sir most extreamly, ’tis that which makes me desperate
Sir.

Sir Cred.

Your ugly Face is an infallible sign, your Dysurie as
the Arabicks call it, and your Ill-favor’d Countenance, are constant
Relatives.

All.

Constant, constant.

Sir Cred.

Pray how do you eat, Sir?

Sir Pat.

Ah Sir, there’s my distraction. Alas Sir, I have the
weakest stomach――I do not make above four Meals a day, and
then indeed I eat heartily――but alas what’s that to eating to
live,—nothing Sir nothing.—

Sir Cred.

Poor heart I pity him.

Sir Pat.

And between meals, good Wine, Sweet-meats, Caudles,
—Cordialls and Mirabilises, to keep up my fainting Spirits.

Sir Cred.

A Pox of his Aldermanship: an the whole Bench
were such notable swingers, twou’d Famish the City sooner than
a Siege.

Amst.

Brothers what do you think of this man?

Leyd.

Think Sir? I think his Case is desperate.

Sir Cred.

Shaw Sir, we shall soon rectify the quiblets and quillities
of his bloud if he observes our directions and diet, which is
to eat but once in four or five daies.

Sir Pat.

How Sir, eat but once in four or five daies! such a dyet
Sir wou’d kill me, alas Sir kill me.

Sir Cred.

Oh no Sir, no, for look ye Sir the Case is thus, do ye
mind me――so that the business lying so obvious de ye see, there is M1r 81
is a certain method do ye mark me—in a—Now Sir when a
man goes about to alter the course of Nature,――the case is
very plain, you may as well arrest the Chariot of the Sun, or alter
the Eclipses of the Moon, for Sir this being of another Nature,
the Nature of it is to be unnaturall, you conceive me Sir?—therefore
we must crave your absence Sir for a few Minutes, till we
have debated this great Affair.

Sir Pat.

With all my heart Sir, since my case is so desperate,
a few hours were not too much.Ex. Sir Patient.

Sir Cred.

Now Sir, my Service to you.Drinks.

Enter Fanny.

Fan.

Oh living heart! what do all these men do in our house?
sure they are a sort of New-fashon’d Conventiclers: —I’le hear ’em
preach. They drink round the while.

Amst.

Sir my service to you, and to your good Lady, Sir.

Ley.

Again to you Sir, not forgetting your Daughters: they
are fine Women Sir, let Scandal do its worst.Drinks.

Turb.

To our better trading Sir.

Brun.

Faith it goes but badly on, I had the weekly Bill and
’twas a very thin Mortality, some of the better sort dye indeed
that have good round Fees to give.

Turb.

Verily I have not kill’d above my five or six this week.

Brun.

How Sir kill’d?

Turb.

Kill’d Sir! ever whilst you live, especially those who
have the grand Verole, for ’tis not for a man’s Credit to let the
Patient want an Eye or a Nose, or some other ting, I have kill’d
ye my five or six dozen a week――but times are hard.

Brun.

I grant ye Sir, your Poor for Experiment, and improvement
of Knowledge, and to say truth there ought to be such Scavengers
as we to sweep away the Rubbish of the Nation.

Sir Cred. and Fat seeming in discourse.

Sir Cred.

Nay an you talk of a beast; My service to you Sir—
Drinks Aye, I lost the finest beast of a Mare in all Devonshire.

Fat D.

And I the finest Spaniel Sir.

Here they all talk together till you come to――purpose Sir.

Turb.

Pray what news is there stirring?

Brun.

Faith Sir, I am one of those fools that never regard
whether Lewes or Philip have the better or the worst.

Turb.

Peace is a great blessing Sir, a very great blessing.

Brun.

You are i’th’ right Sir, and so my service to you Sir.

M1 Ley. M1v 82

Ley.

Well, Sir, Stetin held out Nobly, though the Gazetts are
various.

Amst.

There’s a world of men kill’d they say, why what a
shame ’tis so many thousand should dye without the help of a
Physician.

Ley.

Hang ’em they were poor Rogues and not worth our killing,
my service to you Sir, they’le serve to fill up Trenches.

Sir Cred.

Spaniell Sir! no man breathing understands Dogs and
Horses better then my self.

Fat D.

Your Pardon for that Sir.

Sir Cred.

For look ye Sir, I’le tell you the Nature of Dogs
and Horses.

Fat D.

So can my Groom and Dog-keeper, but what’s this
t’th’ purpose Sir?Here they leave off.

Sir Cred.

To th’ purpose Sir, good Mr. Hedleburgh do you understand
what’s to th’ purpose? you’re a Dutch Butter-ferkin,
a Kilderkin, a Double Jugg.

Fat D.

You’re an ignorant Blockhead Sir.

Sir Cred.

You lye Sir, and there I was with you again.

Amst.

What, quarrelling, men of your gravity and Profession!

Sir Cred.

That is to say Fools and Knaves, pray how long is’t
since you left Toping and Naping, for Quacking, good Brother
Cater-tray, ――but let that pass, for I’le have my Humour, and
therefore will quarrell with no man, and so I drink.――

Goes to fill again.

Brun.

――But what’s all this to the Patient, Gentlemen?

Sir Cred.

Aye――the Wine’s all out,—and quarrells apart
Gentlemen as you say, what do ye think of our Patient, for
something I conceive necessary to be said for our Fees.

Fat D.

I think that unless he follows our Prescriptions he’s a
dead man.

Sir Cred.

Aye Sir a dead man.

Fat D.

Please you to write Sir, you seem the youngest
Doctor.To Amst.

Amst.

Your Pardon Sir, I conceive there may be younger
Doctors then I at the board.

Sir Cred.

A fine Punctilio this, when a man lies a dyAside.
ing—Sir you shall excuse me, I have been a Doctor this 7 years.

They shove the pen and paper from one to the other.

Amst.

I Commenc’t at Paris twenty years agoe.

Ley. M2r 83

Ley.

And I at Leyden, almost as long since.

Fat D.

And I at Bercelona thirty.

Lod.

And I at Padua, Sir.

Fat D.

You at Padua?

Sir Cred.

Yes Sir I at Padua, why what a Pox do ye think I
never was beyond-sea?

Brun.

However Sir you are the youngest Doctor and must
write.

Sir Cred.

I will not lose an Inch of my Dignity.

Fat D.

Nor I.

Amst.

Nor I.

Ley.

Nor I.

Put the paper from
each other

Brun.

Death what Rascalls are these?

Sir Cred.

Give me the pen――here’s adoe about your Paduas
and Punctilioes.Sets himself to write.

Amst.

Every Morning a Dose of my Pills Merda quecrusticon,
or the Amicable Pill.

Sir Cred.

Fasting?

Ley.

Every hour Sixscore drops of Adminicula Vitæ.

Sir Cred.

—Fasting too?Sir Credulous writes still.

Fat D.

At Night twelve Cordiall Pills, Gallimofriticus.

Turb.

Let bloud once a week, a Glister once a day.

Brun.

Cry Mercy Sir, you’re a French man—After his first
sleep, threescore restorative Pills call’d Cheatus Redivivus.

Sir Cred.

—And lastly, fifteen spoonfulls of my Aqua Tetrachymagogon,
as often as ’tis necessary, little or no Breakfastt, less
Dinner, and go supperless to bed.

Fat D.

Hum, your Aqua Tetrachymagogon?

Sir Cred.

Yes Sir, my Tetrachymagogon, for look ye do ye see
Sir, I cur’d the Arch-Duke of Strumbulo, of a Gondilecro, of
which he dy’d, with this very Aqua Tetrachymagogon.

Enter Sir Patient.

Sir Pat.

Well Gentlemen am I not an intruder?

Fat

Sir we have duly consider’d the state of your Body: and
are now about the order and method you are to observe.

Brun.

Aye this distemper will be the occasion of his death.

Sir Cred.

Hold Brothers, I do not say the occasion of his death:
But the occasional cause of his death.Sir Pat. reads the Bill.

Sir Pat.

Why here’s no time allow’d for eating Gentlemen.

Amst.

Sir we’le justify this Prescription to the whole College.

Ley.

If he will not follow it, let him dye.

All.

Aye let him dye.

M2 Enter M2v 84 Enter Lodwick and Leander.

Lod.

What have you consulted without me Gentlemen?

Lod. reads the Bill.

Sir Pat.

Yes Sir, and find it absolutely necessary for my health
Sir, I shou’d be starv’d: and yet you say I am not sick Sir.

To Leand.

Lod.

Very well, very well.

Sir Pat.

No Breakfast, no Dinner, no Supper?

Sir Cred.

Little or none, but none’s best.

Sir Pat.

But Gentlemen consider, no small thing?

All.

Nothing, nothing.

Lod.

Sir, you must write for your Fee.To Lod.

Lod.

Now I think on’t Sir you may eat, writes a Rosted-
Pippin cold upon a Vine leaf, at night.

Lean.

Do you see Sir, what damn’d canting Rascals these
Doctors are?

Sir Pat.

Aye, aye, if all Doctors were such, ingeniously I
shou’d soon be weary of Physick.

Lean.

Give ’em their Fees Sir, and send ’em to the Devil for a
company of Cheats.

Sir Pat.

Truth is, there’s no faith in ’em,――well I thank you
for your care and pains.gives ’em Fees.

Sir Cred.

Sir if you have any occasion for me, I live at the Red
colour’d Lanthorn, with Eleven Candles in’t, in the Strand;
where you may come in privately, and need not be ashamed, I
having no Creature in my House but my self, and my whole
Family.――Exeunt.
Ick quam Van Neder Landt te spreken
End helpen Van Pocken end ander gebreken.

That’s a top of my Bill sweet Sir.

Fan.

Lord, Sir Father, why did you give ’em money?

Lean.

For talking nonsense this hour or two upon his distemper.

Fan.

Oh lemini Sir, they did not talk one word of you, but
of Dogs, and Horses, and of killing folks, and of their Wives and
Daughters; and when the Wine was all out, they said they wou’d
say something for their Fees.

Sir Pat.

Say you so?—Knaves, Rougues, Cheats, Murderers!
I’le be reveng’d on ’em all,—I’le ne’re be sick again,—or if I be M3r 85
be I’le die honestly of my self without the assistance of such Rascals,
――go, get you gone,――To Fan. who goes out.

Lean.

A happy resolution, wou’d you wou’d be so kind to
your self as to make a trial of your Lady too, and if she prove
true, ’twill make some kind of amends for your so long being
couzen’d this way.

Sir Pat.

I’le about it, this very minute about it,――give me a
Chair.――He sits.

Lean.

So, settle your self well, disorder your Hair, ――throw
away your Cane, Hat, and Gloves,――stare and rowl your eyes,
squeez your Face into Convulsions, — clutch your hands,――
make your Stomach heave,――so, very well,――now let me
alone for the rest, —Oh, help, help my Lady, my Aunt, for
Heavens sake help, —come all and see him die. Weeps.

Enter Wittmore, Lady Fancy, Isabella, Lucretia, Lady Knowell,
and Roger.

Witt.

Leander, what’s the matter?

Lean.

See Madam, see my Uncle in the Agonies of Death.

La. Fa.

My dearest Husband dying, Oh!Weeps.

Lean.

How hard he struggles with departing life!

Isab.

Father, dear Father, must I in one day receive a blessing
with so great a curse? Oh, —he’s just going Madam.—Weeps.

La. Fa.

Let me o’retake him in the shades below, why do
you hold me, can I live without him?――do I dissemble well?—Aside to Witt.

Sir Pat.

Not live without me!――do you hear that sirrah?

Aside to Lean.

Lean.

Pray Mark the end on’t Sir,――feign,――feign,――

La. Kn.

We left him well, how came he thus o’the’suddain?

Lean.

I fear ’tis an Apoplexy Madam.

La. Fa.

Run, run for his Physician! but do not stir a foot. Aside to Roger.
Look up and speak but one kind word to me.

Sir Pat.

What cries are these that stop me on my way?

La. Fa.

They’re mine,――your Ladies,――oh surely he’le
recover,Aside your most obedient Wife’s.

Sir Pat.

My Wife’s my Heir, my sole Executrix.

La. Fa.

Hah, is he in’s senses? Aside to Witt. Oh my dear M3 Love, M3v 86
Love, my Life, my Joy, my all, Cryes oh let me goe; I will
not live without him.Seems to faint in Wittmore’s
Armes. All run about her.

Sir Pat.

Do ye hear that sirrah?

Lean.

Have yet a little patience, die away,――very well—
Oh he’s gone,――quite gone.La. Fa. swounds.

La. Kn.

Look to my Lady there, swounds again――sure
she can but counterfeit.AsideThey all go about her.

Sir Pat.

Hah, my Lady dying!

Lean.

Sir I beseech you wait the event; Death! the cunnning
Devil will dissemble too long and spoil all,――here――carry
the dead Corps of my dearest Uncle to his Chamber. Nurse to
your care I commit him now.Exeunt with Sir Pat. in a Chair.

All follow but Wittmore; who goeing the other way
meets Sir Credulous and Lodwick, as before.

Witt.

Lodwick! the strangest unexpected News, Sir Patient’s
Dead!

Sir Cred.

How, dead! we have play’d the Physicians to good
purpose i’faith, and kill’d the man before we administred our
Physick.

Witt.

Egad I fear so indeed.

Lod.

Dead!

Witt.

As a Herring, and ’twill be dangerous to keep these habits
longer.

Sir Cred.

Dangerous! Zoz man we shall all be hang’d, why
our very Bill dispatch’d him, and our Hands are to’t,――oh,
I’le confess all.――Offers to goe.

Lod.

Death Sir, I’le cut your Throat if you stir.

Sir Cred.

Wou’d you have me hang’d for company Gentlemen?
Oh where shall I hide my self, or how come at my cloaths?

Lod.

We have no time for that, go get you into your Basket
again, and lie snug, till I have convey’d you safe away,――or
I’le abandon you.――Aside to him. ’Tis not necessary he
shou’d be seen yet, he may spoil Leander’s Plot.Aside.

Sir Cred.

Oh thank ye dear Lodwick,――let me escape
this bout, and if ever the Fool turn Physician again, may he be
choak’d with his own Tetrachymagogon.

Witt.

Go hast and undress you, whilst I’le to Lucia.Ex. Lod.

As M4r 87 As Wittmore is going out at one Door, Enter Sir Patient and
Leander at the other.

Lean.

Hah, Wittmore there! he must not see my Uncle yet.

Puts Sir Pat. back. Ex. Witt.

Sir Pat.

Nay Sir, never detain me, I’le to my Lady, is this
your Demonstration?――was ever so vertuous a Lady?――
Well I’le to her, and console her poor heart, ah the joy ’twill
bring her to see my Resurrection!――I long to surprize her.

Going off cros the Stage.

Lean.

Hold Sir, I think she’s coming,――blest sight, and
with her Wittmore!Puts Sir Pat. back to the door.

Enter Lady Fancy and Wittmore.

Sir Pat.

Hah, what’s this?

La. Fa.

Now my dear Witmore, claim thy Rites of Love
without controll, without the contradiction of wretched Poverty
or Jealousy: Now, undisguis’d thou maist approach my Bed, and
reign o’re all my Pleasures and my Fortunes, of which this minute
I create thee Lord.
And thus begin my Homage.――Kisses him.

Sir Pat.

Sure ’tis some Fiend! This cannot be my Lady!

Lean.

’Tis something uncivil before your face Sir, to do this.

Witt.

Thou wondrous kind, and wondrous Beautiful, that
Power that made thee with so many Charms, gave me a Soul fit
onely to adore ’em; nor wert thou destin’d to another’s Arms,
but to be render’d still more fit for mine.

Sir Pat.

Hah, is not that Fain-love? Isabellas Husband? Oh
Villain! Villain! I will renounce my Sense and my Religion.Aside.

La. Fa.

Anothers Armes! Oh call not those hated thoughts
to my remembrance, Lest it destroy that kindly heat within me,Which thou canst onely raise, and still maintain.

Sir Pat.

Oh Woman! Woman! damn’d dissembling Woman!Aside.

La. Fa.

Come let me lead thee to that Mass of Gold he gave
me to be despis’d:
And which I render thee, my lovely Conquerour,
As the first Tribute of my Glorious Servitude,――Draw in the M4v 88
the Basket which I told you of, and is amongst the Rubbish in
the Hall,Ex. Wittmore. That which the Slave so many years
was toiling for, I in one moment barter for a Kiss, as Earnest in our
future Joys.

Sir Pat.

Was ever so prodigal a Harlot? was this the Saint?
was this the most tender Consort that ever man had?

Lean.

No in good faith Sir.

Enter Wittmore pulling in the Basket.

La. Fa.

This is it with a direction on’t to thee, whither I design’d
to send it.

Witt.

Good morrow to the day, and next the Gold, open the
Shrine, that I may see my Saint—hail the Worlds Soul—

Opens the Basket, Sir Cred. starts up.

La. Fa.

O Heavens! what thing art thou?

Sir. Cred.

O Pardon, Pardon sweet Lady, I confess I had a
hand in’t.

La. Fa.

In what, thou slave?――

Sir Cred.

Killing the good believing Alderman,—but ’twas
against my will.

La. Fa.

Then I’m not so much oblig’d to thee,—but where’s
the money, the 8000 l. the Plate and Jewels, sirrah?

Witt.

Death the Dog has eat it.

Sir Cred.

Eat it! oh Lord, eat 8000 l. wou’d I might never
come out of this Basket alive, if ever I made such a meal in my
life.

Witt.

Ye Dog you have eat it, and I’le make ye swallow all
the Doses you writ in your Bill, but I’le have it upward or
downward.Aside.

Sir Pat.

Hah, one of the Rogues my Dctours.

Sir Cred.

Oh dear Sir, hang me out of the way rather.

Enter Maundy.

Mau.

Madam, I have sent away the Basket to Mr. Wittmores
Lodgings.

La. Fa.

You might have sav’d your self that labour, I now
have no more to doe, but to bury the stinking Corps of my quondam N1r 89
quondam Cuckold, dismiss his Daughters, and give thee quiet possession
of all.

To Witt.

Sir Pat.

Fair Lady, you’l take me along with you?Snaps.

Pulls off his Hat and comes up to her.

La. Fa.

My Husband! ――I’me betray’d――

Sir Pat.

Husband! I do defie thee Satan, thou greater Whore
than she of Babylon: thou shame, thou abomination to thy
Sex.

La. Fa.

Rail on, whilst I dispose my self to laugh at thee.

Sir Pat.

Leander, call all the House in, to be a witness of our
Divorce.Ex. Leander.

La. Fa.

Methinks I find an inclination to swear, —to curse
my self and thee, that I cou’d no better discern thee; nay, I’me
so chang’d from what I was, that I think I cou’d even approve
of Monarchy and Church Discipine, I’me so truly convinc’d I
have been a beast and an ass all my life.

Enter La. Know. Isabella, Lucre. Lean. Lodwick, Fan. &c.

La. Kn.

Hah, Sir Patient not dead?

Sir Pat.

Ladies and Gentlemen, take notice that I am a Cuckold,
a Crop-ear’d snivelling Cuckold.

Sir Cred.

A Cuckold! sweet Sir, shaw that’s a small matter in a
man of your Quality.

Sir Pat.

And I beg your pardon Madam, for being angry that
you call’d me so.To La. Know. And yours, Dear Isabella,
for desiring you to marry my good Friend there points to Witt.
whose Name I perceive I was mistaken in:—And yours Leander,
that I wou’d not take your Advice long since: And yours fair
Lady, for believing you honest,—twas done like a credulous
Coxcomb: —And yours Sir, for taking any of your Tribe for
Wise, Learn’d, or Honest.To Sir Credulous.

Witt.

Faith Sir, I deceiv’d ye onely to serve my Friend, and
Sir, your Daughter is married to Mr. Knowell; your Wife had
all my stock of Love before, Sir.Lod. and Isab. kneel.

Sir Pat.

Why God-a-mercy—some comfort that,—God bless
ye—I shall love disobedience while I live for’t.

N Lod. N1v 90

Lod.

I’me glad on’t Sir, for then I hope you will forgive Leander,
who has married my Sister and not my Mother.

Sir Pat.

How! has he serv’d me so,—I’le make him my Heir
for’t; thou hast made a Man of me my Boy, and faith we will
be merry,――fair Lady, you may depart in peace fair Lady, restoring
my Money, my Plate, my Jewels and my Writings, fair
Lady—.

La. Fa.

You gave me no Money Sir, prove it if you can, and
for your Land, ’twas not settled with this Proviso, If she be Honest?

Sir Pat.

’Tis well thou dost confess I am a Cuckold, for I
wou’d have it known, fair Lady.

La. Fa.

’Twas to that End I married you, good Alderman.

Sir Pat.

I’faith I think thou didst sweet-heart, I’faith I think
thou didst.

Witt.

Right Sir, for we have long been Lovers, but want of
Fortune made us contrive how to marry her to your good Worship.
Many a wealth Citizen Sir, has contributed to the maintenance
of a younger Brother’s Mistress, and you are not the first
Man in Office that has been a Cuckold, Sir.

Sir Pat.

Some comfort that too, the Brethren of the Chain
cannot laugh at me.

Sir Cred.

A very pleasant old Fellow this faith, I cou’d be very
merry with him now but that I am damnable sad,—Madam, I
shall desire to lay the Saddle on the right Horse.To La. Know.

La. Kn.

What mean you Sir?

Sir Cred.

Onely Madam, if I were as some men are, I should
not be as I am.

La. Fa.

It may be so Sir.

Sir Cred.

I say no more, but matters are not carry’d so swimmingly,
but I can dive into the meaning on’t.

Sir Patient talks this while to Lodw.

La. Kn.

I hate this Hypothetical way of arguing, answer me
Categorically.

Sir Cred.

Hypothetical and Categorical! what does she mean
now?Aside.—Madam, in plain English I am made a John
A-Nokes
of, Jack-hold-my-staff, a Merry Andrew Doctor to give
Leander time to marry your Daughter, and ’twas therefore I was
hoisted up in the Basket,――but as the Play says, ’tis well ’tis
no worse: I’de rather lose my Mistress then my life.

Sir Pat. N2r 91

Sir Pat.

But how came this Rascal Turboon to admit you?

Lod.

For the lucre of our fees Sir, which was his recompence.

Sir Pat.

I forgive it you, and will turn Spark, they live the
merriest lives――keep some City Mistress, go to Court, and
hate all Conventicles. You see what a fine City Wife can doeOf the true breed: Instruct her Husband too:I wish all civil Cuckolds in the NationWould take Example by my Reformation.

FINIS.

Some Books Printed for R. Tonson, at Grays-Inn-gate
in Grays-Inn-lane.

Published this Term.

Epilogue, spoken by Mrs. Gwin.

Mrs. Gwin [Speaker label not present in original source]

I Here, and there, a reheard a Coxcomb Cry

Looking about.

Ah, Rott it――’tis a Womans Comedy,

One, who because she laterly chanc’t to please us,

With her Damn’d stuff will never cease to teaze us.

What has poor Woman done that she must be,

Debar’d from Sense and Sacred Poetrie?

Why in this Age has Heaven allow’d you more,

And Women less of Wit then heretofore?

We once were fam’d in Story, and cou’d write

Equall to men; cou’d Govern, nay cou’d Fight.

We still have passive Valour, and can show

Wou’d Custom give us leave the Active too,

Since we no provocations want from you.

For who but we, cou’d your Dull Fopperies bear,

Your Saucy Love, and your brisk Nonsence hear;

Indure your worse then womanish affectation,

Which renders you the Nusance of the Nation;

Scorn’d even by all the Misses of the Town,

A jest to Vizard Mask, the Pitt-Buffoone;

A Glass by which th’ admiring Country Fool

May learn to dress himself en Ridicule:

Both striving who shall most Ingenious grow

In Lewdness, Foppery, Nonsence, Noise and Show.

And yet to these fine things we must submit

Our Reason, Arms, our Lawrells, and our Wit.

Because we do not Laugh at you when Lewd,

And scorn and cudgell ye when you are Rude;

That we have Nobler Souls then you, we prove,

By how much more we’re sensible of Love;

Quickest in finding all the subtlest waies

To make your Joys: why not to make you Plays?

We best can find your Feables, know our own,

And Gilts and Cuckolds now best please the Town;

Your way of writing’s out of Fashion grown.

Method, and Rule――you only understand,

Pursue that way of Fooling, and be Damn’d.

Your Learned Cant of Action, Time, and Place,

Must all give way to the unlabour’d farce.

To all the Men of Witt we will subscribe:

But for you half Wits, you unthinking Tribe,

We’ll let you see what e’re besides we doe,

How Artfully we Copy some of you:

And if you’re drawn to th’ life, pray tell me then

Why Women should not write as well as Men.