Ooooo1v 422

The Actors Names.

The Lord Widower.

Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his wife.

Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his wife.

Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealousie his wife.

Sir Humphrey Disagree, and the Lady Disagree his wife.

Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his wife.

Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his wife.

Sir John Dotard, and the Lady Driping his wife.

Sir Francis Inconstant, and the Lady Inconstant his wife.

Sir James Hearty, the Lady Inconstants Father.

Monsieur Amorous.

Monsieur Disguise.

The Lady Sprightly, the Lord Widowers Daughter.

The Lady Procurer.

Mistris Forsaken, afterwards named Monsieur Disguise.

Mistris Single, sister to the Lady Jealousie.

Doll Subtilty, the Lady Sprightly’s Chambermaid: Also a Waiting-
Gentlewoman.

Nan Lightheel, the Lady Jealousies Maid, and likewise a Waiting-
Gentlewoman.

Joan Cry-out, the Lady Hypocondria’s Chamber-maid, and likewise
a Waiting-Gentlewoman.

Briget Greasy, Sir John Dottards Kitchin maid, and two other
Maids of his.

Three Maid-servants of the Lady Poverty’s.

Two or three Maid-servants of the Lady Disagree’s.

A Maid-servant to the Lady Inconstant.

Nic Adviser, Sir Francis Inconstants man.

Roger Trusty, Sir William Lovewels man.

A Serving-man of Sir James Hearty’s.

A Skipper.

Doctors and others.

Steward.

The Ooooo2r 423

The first Part of the Play, called the
Matrimonial Trouble.
A Comedy.

Act I.

Scene 1.

Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, and Mistris Forsaken.

Sir Fran. Incon

When I forsake you, let Heaven forsake my
Soul.

Mistris Forsaken

I do not doubt you: for if I did, I could
not love you; and whilst I love you, I cannot doubt you.

Inconstant

O how it wounds my heart to part from you!
my Thoughts are tortur’d, and my Mind is set upon a melancholy
Rack.

Forsaken

Since your Journey cannot be conveniently avoided, I will please
my self with the hopes of your sudden Return.

Inconstant

Farewel, sweet Mistris, Death is the worst of Nature, and
your Absence the worst of Fortune.

Exeunt.

Scene 2.

Enter Master Thrifty the Steward, and Briget Greasy the
Cook-maid.

Briget Greasy

Good Master Steward, give Order for some Beef-suet to
be brought in: for there is not any left in the House, and I must make a
Venison-pasty; and if I should temper my Pasty all with butter, you would
be angry.

Thrifty

Why, cannot you take some of the fat from the Beef-broth for
your Crust?

Briget

Yes, if every one that eat of it had as fresh a mouth as you, or loved
drink so well as you do, it would serve, otherwise it would be too salt for
their palats; besides, I am to make puddings in guts.

Thrifty

If they prove as the last you made, the dogs may eat them: Ooooo2 for Ooooo2v 424
for the guts stunk so much, as no man could eat any of them.

Briget

I’m sure ’twas your fault, in that you did not bring me wherewithall
to make them, until such time as the guts began to putrifie.

Thrifty

No, no, you are a Slut, and did not take all the dung out of them,
nor wash, nor scrape, nor cleanse them as they should have been & but you
order the guts, as you do the dishes, the one is dungy, the other greasie & besides,
my Master complains, that his Fowl taste rank, and his Brawn Tasts
strong, and his Beef tastes musty, and that’s because you are so lazy, as not to
shift your Brawn into fresh Sousing-drink, nor make the brine strong enough
in the powdring-tub, nor thrust your fingers far enough into the Fowls rumps,
to draw them clean; besides, when they are roasted, they are as dry as a
chip, for want of basting-butter; besides, your sluttery is such, as you will
poyson all the House: for in one place I find a piece of butter, and a greasie
comb, full of nitty hairs lying by it; and in another place flour and old-worn
stockings, the feet being rotted off with sweat; and in a third place, a dish
of cold meat cover’d with a foul smock, and your durty shooes (for the most
part) stand upon the Dresser-board, where you lay the hot meat; besides,
by your carelesness you do waste and spoil so much, as it is unsufferable; for
you will fling whole ladlefuls of dripping into the fire, to make the fire blaze
underneath the pot; and because you have not the profit of the Kitchin-
stuff, you will never scrape the Dresser-board, nor Dripping-pans, nor lick
the Platters, Trays, or Scummers, Frying-pans, Skillets, Gridirons, Spits,
Ladles, Kettles, or any of the Kitchin-vessels, as you should doe, but wash
them all with hot water at first, without taking off the grease beforehand.

Briget

Well, if you do not like me, pray pay me my wages, and I will
be gone: I’m sure I never serv’d in any place for so small wages and few vails
as in this service: I’m sure ’tis no ways beneficial to me.

Thrifty

I’m sure you’l make it beneficial one way or another: for you
have your female Factors that lie abroad, to whom you send Commodities
by your She-porters, that come hither every day to transport them. Thus
you traffique upon my Masters Cost, and my Reputation: for I am thought
the worse of either, as believing I am a false Steward, or a negligent one.
Thus a True man is thought a Knave: for by your stealing I am thought a
Thief.

Briget

You are a base man for saying I steal, I never was accounted a
Thief in my life, but always trusty and true, in what Service soever I lived.

The Steward goes out, and Briget Greasie left as crying:
Then enters her Master Sir John Dotard, and looks
earnestly upon her, and then speaks as to himself.

Dotard

She’s a pretty Wench, if she had but clean clothes on, by Venus
she would be very handsome; a Silk Gown would make her a rare Beauty;
her Tears fall on her Nose and Cheeks like gentle showers of rain on Roses
and Lillies sweet. O she is a heavenly Creature! He speaks to her.
Sweet-heart, where do you live?

Briget

In your Worships House.

Dottard

And whose servant are you?

Briget

Your Worships.

Dotard Ppppp1r 425

Dotard

How long have you served me?

Briget

A Quarter, and’t please your Worship.

Dotard

In what place serve you?

Briget

In the Kitchin, an’t please you.

Dotard

What makes you cry?

Briget

Your Worships Steward hath wrong’d me.

Dotard

How hath he wrong’d thee?

Briget

He says I stole your Worships Kithin-stuff, when the Gods know
I am as innocent as the child that is newly born.

Dotard

He is a Knave for saying so, and I will have him turn’d out of his
Authority for saying so: wherefore cry no more, fair Maid; for thou shalt
be preferr’d to a higher Office.

Briget

I thank your Worship.

Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter Mistris Forsaken, and a Gentleman.

Forsaken

Sir, did you come lately from Changeland?

Gentlem

Yes Lady.

Forsaken

Pray did you not see a Gentlemoan in that Country, named Sir
Francis Inconstant
?

Gentlem

I am very well acquainted with him, Lady: for he is my most
noble Friend.

Forsaken

I hope he is well.

Gentlem

So well, Madam, as he is resolv’d to marry.

Forsaken

That he might do; if it were for no other reason, but for a Nurse
to tend him, if he should chance to be sick.

Gentlem

By your favour, Lady, it were dangerous for a sick man to be
maried, especially to a fair young Lady.

Forsaken

But pray, Sir, is he to marry a Lady in that Country?

Gentlem

So he told me.

Forsaken

Did he tell you so himself?

Gentlem

Yes Madam, I had it first from his own mouth.

Forsaken

Is she handsome?

Gentlem

Truly I did not see her.

Forsaken

I she rich Sir?

Gentlem

Truly I heard not what portion she had; but I suppose if she had
been rich, her wealth would have made her famous.

Forsaken

Nor you have not heard whether she is discreet, or witty, nor
of what humour she is ?

Gentlem

No indeed, Lady, I heard not any body speak of her but himself,
and that was only, That he was to marry a young Lady in that City he
was in, and that he thought would be the cause to perswade him to settle in
that Country.

Forsaken

How long a time is required to go to that place where he is?

Gentlem

According as the wind is: If the wind be good, twelve hours Ppppp sail Ppppp1v 426
sail will land a passenger, and some eight hours riding from the shore, will
bring them to the City.

Forsaken

Will you please to walk in and rest your self?

Exeunt.

Scene 4.

Enter two servant-maids of Sir John Dotards.

1 Maid

Lord, there is such a quarrel about the falling out of Briget
Greasie
and Master Steward, as it is wonderful: for my Master chides,
Briget cries, and Master Steward maintains his words, as they do so offend
and misprove, as you would bless your self.

2 Maid

I will go listen, and hear them.

Exeunt.

Scene 5.

Enter the Lord Widower, and Doctors.

Lord

My Wife, Master Doctor, is very ill.

Doctor

She is so: for her Disease is not to be cured, my Lord; for
we cannot restore the decays of vital parts: for as they consume, life draws
towards an end.

Lord

But pray do your endeavour to prolong her likfe as long as you can.

Doctor

We shall, my Lord, to the utmost of our skill. Your Lorships
humble servant.

Exit Doctor.
Enter Dol Subtilty, the Ladies Chamber-maid.

Dol Subtilty

My Lady desires to speak with your Lordship.

Lord

And I desire to speak with your Ladiship.

Subtilty

I am ready to hear your Lordships commands.

Lord

And are you as ready to obey them?

Subtilty

Yes, so far as my duty doth oblige me.

Lord

Well, then pray do not forget when you are call’d to pay that duty
where you owe it.

Exeunt.
Scene Ppppp2r 427

Scene 6.

Enter Mistris Forsaken alone.

Mistris Forsaken

If this News could deprive me of my life, it would have
made me happy; but it hath almost depriv’d me of my Reason, and
quite from my Patience, which makes me miserable, and Misery is worse
than Death : for Death is a cessation of pain, and Misery a torment of life:
But if this Report be true, I will lay more curses on his head, than a long penitenial
life shall be able to take off.

Exit.

Scene 7.

Enter the two Maids of Sir John Dotard.

1 Maid

Lord, Briget is so proud since she is preferr’d to be my Masters
Laundry-maid, as she will touch none but my Masters linnen.

2 Maid

She is become very fine upon her preferment: I am sure it is not
five or ten pound wages that will or can maintain her at that rate she goes:
for she hath had, to my knowledge, two new pair of shooes within three
weeks of each other; whereupon I told her, that the shooes that she cast by,
would be very strong and serviceable, if they were cobled; and her Answer
was, what, did I think she would wear cobled shooes? I told her, why not
now, as well as she did? for she us’d to send her shooes to be cobled three
or four times over, and her wastcoat to be patch’d, and her petticoats to be
new-border’d, and her stockings to be heel’d, as the rest of us did; and I
knew of no Lands that had befallen her, and therefore she may doe the
same still.

1 Maid

And what said she then?

2 Maid

She bid me meddle with my own matters, and not meddle with
her; and I dare not offend her, for fear I should be turn’d away: nay she is
so proud, as she turns her head aside when Richard the Carter comes to kiss
her, and she strives to shun his company, when once within a short time,
she would make haste to wash her dishes, that she might have time to sit in
Richards Lap, and there they would sit colling and kissing until the sea-coal-
fire was burn’d out.

2 Maid

But now she sits in a better seat.

Exeunt
Ppppp2 Scene Ppppp2v 428

Scene 8.

Enter Mistris Forsaken in mans Apparel, naming her self
Monsieur Disguise.

Monsieur Disguise

I cannot believe he will prove so false and perjurious,
but this Disguise, I hope, will bring me to discover the Truth: And if
he be false, for his sake may all the Masculine Sex be slaves to the Effeminate
Sex, not bound by Love, but by base servile fear; may they long after the
power, but never get it; may women govern the World, and when they
command, the men dare not disobey, and be despis’d for their reward; may
their Jealousies disturb their Rest, their Cares increase their Labours; may
they work like Horses, fawn like Dogs, and bear like Asses. But if he be
constant, may all the Masculine Sex be bless’d for his sake; may all women
desire, admire, and love him; may Pleasure imbrace him, Health preserve
him, and Time attend him; may he be arm’d with Power, crown’d with
Peace, and all Obedience bow to his command; may the sound but of his
Name bring joy to all hearts; may all be pleas’d for his Birth, pray for his
Life, and fear his Death; may good Fortune trace his ways, whilst he rides
upon the wings of a glorious Fame.

Exeunt.

Scene 9.

Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, as in another Country, with his
new Mistris.

Inconstant

Sweet Mistris, you are the Elixar of Beauty: all other women
are as unrefin’d metal, like base coyn.

New Mistris

Whilst I am unmarry’d you’l flatter me; but when I am
your Wife, you will change your complemental discourse to quarrelling disputes,
or insulting commands.

Inconstant

O never, never, your Eye shall direct all my Actions, your
Commands shall rule my Life, and your Pleasures shall be my onely Delight.

Exeunt.

Scene 10.

Enter Sir James Hearty and his Man.

Hearty

Here, take this Note, that you may not forget the Guests that
are to be invited to my Daughters Wedding. The man takes the Note, and looks on it. Can Qqqqq1r 429
Can you read it?

Man

I cannot tell Sir.

Hearty

Let me hear if you can, or not.

Man

  • Imprimis, Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his Wife.
  • Item Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his Wife.
  • Item Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealousie his Wife, and Mistris Jane
    Single
    her Sister.
  • Item Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his Wife.
  • Item Sir Humphry Disagree, and the Lady Disagree his Wife.
  • Item Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his Wife.
  • Item the Lady Procurer.
  • Item Monsieur Amorous.

Hearty

Well read, well read: As for the Lord Widower, I know he will
not come: for I hear his Lady is newly dead. This is the Nature of the
World, some marry, and some die.

Man

Troth Sir, of the two Evils, I think it is better to die than to
marry.

Hearty

I am not of your mind: for I had rather have a ruddy, plain, soft
Wench to be my Bed-fellow, than pale, grim, lean, numb, cold Death. But
go your way about this Imployment, the whilst I will give direction for the
Entertainment.

Exeunt.

Scene 11.


Enter the Lord Widower, and the Lady Sprightly his Eldest
Daughter, and other small Children, and Doll Subtilty, all
weeping.

Lord

We have a reason to weep: for you my Children, have lost a good
Mother, and I a loving Wife, and her servants a kind Lady; but we
cannot alter Heavens Decrees: wherefore we must take comfort in what
is, and not grieve for what cannot be helpt: And now, Daughter Sprightly,
you must be as my Wife, Friend, and Daughter all in one: for as your Mother
did, when she had health, govern my Family, so must you now she is
dead; and you must take care of your young Brothers and Sisters, and Heaven
will reward thee with a good Husband and Children of your own: And
as for her Maid here, who hath taken great pains all the time of your Mothers
sickness, ought to be rewarded for her care: wherefore, Daughter, let
her wait upon you, as she did upon your Mother.

Doll Subtilty

I thank your Lordship.

Exeunt.
Qqqqq Scene Qqqqq1v 430

Scene 12.

Enter all the Bridal Guests, and pass over the Stage, as thorough
a Room.

Scene 13.

Enter Monsieur Disguise, as from the sea.

Monsieur Disguise

Surely the Fates have conspired against me, the winds
were so cross, just like men, sometimes for us, and sometimes against
us. Enter a Skipper.
Have you found out the Gentlemans lodging?

Skipper

Yes Sir.

Disguise

And was he at home?

Skipper

He hath that which will invite him to stay at home, and keep him
from wandring abroad for some time Sir.

Disguise

What’s that?

Skipper

A fair Wife Sir: for a drunken Serving-man told me that one Sir
Francis Inconstant
had maried his Masters Daughter, and that the Wedding-
Feast would continue a Week, if not a Fortnight.

Disguise

And was the man drunk who told you so?

Skipper

Yes surely: he seem’d so to me.

Disguise

Then (perchance) he might tell you a lye.

Skipper

He was not so drunk, but that he might tell a truth.

Disguise

Prethee Friend do me one favour more, and then I will pay thee
for thy pains.

Skipper

What you please to command me Sir.

Disguise

Then inquire for a mans-Tailor, to make me some Cloaths: for
I am not Accoutred fit for a Bridal House.

Skipper

I shall Sir.

Exeunt.

Scene 14.

Enter two Maids of Sir John Dotards.

1 Maid

’Faith I will go and inquire out a new service: for I will never
he box’d by my fellow-servant that was, although now she is prefer’d
to be House-keeper.

2 Maid

How came the quarrel betwixt you?

1 Maid

Why now, forsooth, she is come to Order and to Rectifie, she’s
not only grown light-finger’d, but fine finger’d, as to touch nothing that is not Qqqqq2r 431
not bright-scour’d, nor then neither, without her gloves; and she calld for
a candle and a candlestick to carry into my Masters Chamber, and I for haste
run up with the candle, and forgot the candlestick, and had left it behind me:
when I came, what, said, she, do you bring a candle without a candlestick? Alas
said I, I have forgot it; but hold you the candle, said I, and I will run and
fetch the stick straight, and so I put the candle into her hand: with that, she
up with her hand, and gave me a box on the ear, what, said she, do you give
me a greasie candle to hold? I will teach you more manners, said she, against
the next time: I being heated at the blow she gave me, told her, that she had
forgot since the Mouse bit her greasie face when she was asleep, taking it for
a candles-end, or a piece of bacon: with that, she flew upon me, and I
at her, where in the combat we made such a noise, as my Master came forth
of his Chamber, and parted us, and then he bid me get me out of his house,
but kiss’d her, and pray’d her to pacifie her anger, and not to distemper her
self with a rude wench as I was.

2 Maid

And what said she then?

1 Maid

Why she told my Master I was a naughty Baggage, a dirty Slut,
a base Whore, and all the ill names she could; but I will not suffer this, for
I will be gone.

2 Maid

Nay, let us stay until we are provided of other Services.

Exeunt.

Scene 15.

Enter Monsieur Disguise alone.

Monsieur Disguise

And is he maried! O that I could pull out that part
of my Brain which imprints his memory! For the wrongs he hath done
me are so great and heavy, as I wish I could unload my Soul, and build a Pyramide
of Curses, that may stand as a mark of his Infamy. She studies a little time, then speaks.
I had rather banish my self, than live in disgrace in my own Countrey.


Exit.
Qqqqq2 Act Qqqqq2v 432

Act II.

Scene. 16.

Enter the Lord Widower, and Doll Subtilty.

Subtilty

’Faith, my Lord, your Daughter is so jealous of me, as she sayes
I am always in your Lordships Chamber.

Lord

Why so thou art most commonly, although not always.

Subtilty

But yet it is not fit Children should examine their Parents actions;
and it were an indiscretion in Parents to allow of it.

Lord

She is young, she is young.

Subtilty

Wherefore your Lordship should have a care to have her prudently
govern’d; and if she be too young to govern her self, how can she govern
so great a Family as your Lordships is?

Lord

O she hath but the name, my Steward governs all.

Subtilty

Yes; but the Mistris of the House governs the Steward, and the
Steward give Orders as an inferiour Officer, delivering the Superiours
commands.

Lord

You say true: wherefore you that have some more experience,
should counsel her.

Subtilty

O, my Lord, ’tis not manners for me to give her counsel, neither
will she take it from me: for when I humbly offer her my Advice, she checks
me, and threatens to turn me away.

Lord

Doth she so? But I will have her to take counsel, and to know she
is too young to order after her own childish fancy.

Subtilty

Indeed, my Lord, she wants years, which should make her experienc’d.
Sweet child, she is fitter to dress Babies, and order a Closet, than
govern a great Family, which is a little Common-wealth.

Lord

Well, I will order her otherwise.

Exeunt.

Scene 17.

Enter the Bride, the Bridegroom, Sir James Hearty, and all the
Bridal Guests. Then enters a servant to the Bridegroom Sir
Francis Inconstant
.

Servant

Sir there is a young Gentleman desires to speak with your Worship.

Inconstant

What manner of man is he?

Servant

A sweet-fac’d young man, by my Troth Sir.

Inconstant

Of what Country seems he to be?

Servant

Of your own Countrey, Sir.

In- Rrrrr1r 433

Inconstant

Direct him in.

Enter Monsieur Disguise.

Disguise

Sir, I was commanded by a young Lady to give you this Letter.

Sir Francis reads it, and in the reading seems very
much troubled.

Inconstant

She writes as if she were dying when she writ this letter.

Disguise

She was dying indeed: for the last act she did, was to give me
this letter; and the last words she spoke were, Pray see this letter safe convey’d,
and so she dy’d.

Lady Inconstant

What makes you so pale on a sudden, Husband?

Sir Fran. Incon

I am not well, and therefore I must goe to my Chamber;
but pray Sweet-heart stay you here, lest my being ill should disturb our
Guests.

Lady Inconstant

Do you think I can entertain them if you be sick?

Sir Fran. Incon

I am not so sick as to be nurs’d, although not so well as to
delight in company: for I am rather melancholy, than any other way distemper’d.

Lady Inconst

What makes you melancholy?

Sir Fran. Incon

Why a dear Friend of mine is dead. He sighs a great sigh.
But Sweet-heart, pray excuse me to the company, and pry let this Gentleman,
my noble Friend, be well-treated.

Lady Inconst

I shall obey your command.

Sir Francis goes out.

Sir Jam. Hearty

What, is my Son-in-law gone?

Lady Inconst

Sir he desires you and the rest of the company would excuse
him: for he hath heard of the death of a Friend, which makes him so
melancholy, as he saith that his dull and indispos’d humour would disturb
the mirth of our noble Friends.

Sir Jam. Hearty

’Tis a sign he is young, that he is so tender-natur’d, and
so soft-hearted, to mourn and grieve for those that die; but when he comes
to Age, he will only commend his friends that are dead, but not grieve for
them: for Pity wears out, as Age increases.

Lady Inconst

Pray Sir let me intreat you to be one of our Guests.

Disguise

You shall command me, Lady.

Sir Tho. Cuckold

Nay, since the Gentleman hath brought such Newes as
hath banished the Bridegroom from the Company, he shall now supply his
place.

Sir Hum. Disagree

Soft Sir, he may at the Board, but not in his Bed.

Sir Hen. Courtly

He looks so modestly, as if he would play the part of a
Bride rather than a Bridegroom.

Disguise

Lady, will you accept of my modest service?

Lady Inconst

Sir, I must not refuse Modesty.

Exeunt.
Rrrrr Scene Rrrrr1v 434

Scene 18.

Enter two Maid-servants of Sir John Dotards.

1 Maid

’Tis no wonder that Briget Greasie is so proud now, being maried
to my Master, he having made her a Lady. Lord, Lord, to see
the fortune that some have over others: why, if my Master would have maried
one of his Maids, he might have chosen a prettier wench amongst any of
us all than she is.

2 Maid

Yes ’faith: for she was thought the veriest Puss of us all; for she
is neither snout-fair, nor well-shap’d; she hath splay-feet, and chilblain-
heels.

1 Maid

Nay all will grant she was the dirtiest slut in the House: for there
was never a man-servant but would cry so at her when they kiss’d her; besides,
she was the veriest fool amongst us: But Lord, what Wealth and Honour
will do! for now she is Lady, she looks as if she never wash’d a dish,
or scour’d a kettle or spit.

2 Maid

But I wonder how she came to be his Wife, she might have served
as her Betters have done before her: I am sure there was Nan, a pretty
pert, cleanly Maid, who was kind, and willing to do any thing, either to serve
our Master, or fellow servants.

1 Maid

O but Nan had not an old woman that us’d to come to her to get
suet and scraps, as Briget had; and this old woman, they say, counsell’d Briget
to seem nice and coy.

2 Maid

I wonder what Richard the Carter will say, who was turned out
of his service, because he should not share with my Master.

1 Maid

’Faith I hear d that Richard was told of her Advancement, and ’tis
said he laugh’d, and said my Master had a hungry stomach, that he could
feed of his leavings; but by his Troth he was glad she was become a Lady:
for now he could say he had kiss’d and courted a Lady as well as the best
Gallant of them all.

Exeunt.

Scene 19.

Enter the Lord Widower, and the Laddy Sprightly his
Daughter.

Lord

Daughter, although you do govern my Family very well for your
years, yet you are young, and wanting Experience, may be cozened;
and though I have a great Estate, yet it will be all consum’d, if Order and
Method be not put into practice: wherefore I would have you take the
counsel of Mistris Dorothy Subtilty, to assist you.

Lady

Who is that, my Lord?

Lord

Why, do not you know her? she that waited on your Mother.

Lady

Pardon me, my Lord, I did not know her by that Title: for she was
plain Dol Subtilty when she waited on my Mother, and not knowing of her advancementvancement Rrrrr2r 435
from a Chambermaid to a Gentlewoman, I might easily misstake;
besides, she is not so much older, as to have much more experience than my
self: perchance she may have more craft, which was learned her in her poverty,
than I, who have been bred at the Horn of Plenty, that knew no scarcity,
nor sharking necessity.

Lord

You have a sharp tongue when spight moves it; but let me hear no
more of these words, but do as I command you.

Lady

I never disobey’d you as I do know.

Lord

Well, no more words.

Exeunt.

Scene 20.

Enter the Bride, and all the Bridal Guests; they dance, and Monsieur
Disguise
dances with the Bride. Sir Spendall seems to
whisper Monsieur Disguise in the Ear, being half drunk.

Spendall

Sir, but that you look more like a woman than a man, you
might give the Bridegroom more cause to be melancholy for the living
than the dead; but let me intreat you, young Gentleman, that you strike not
his Head, as your News hath done his Heart: for I perceive the Brides eyes
are fix’d upon you, and from the root of a fix’d eye grows Horns, when they
are set in a maried Head.

Disguise

There is no fear.

Spendall

Yes Sir, as long as there are doubts, there are fears.

Disguise

There is no doubt Sir.

Spendall

But that she will be Sir.

Disguise

What, Sir?

Spendall

What you please Sir; and let me tell you, young Gentleman,
that as long as there are women, there will be Lovers and Cuckolds.

Disguise

And let me tell you, Sir, that as long as there are men, there will
be Fools and Drunkards.

Lady Inconstant

Sir, I doubt we have invited you rather to your trouble,
than your delight.

Disguise

Madam, you are the Treasure of Pleasure and Delight;
which none can receive but from your Bounty, nor enjoy but by your
Favour.

Exeunt.

Scene 21.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and Dol Subtilty.

Lady Sprightly

What had you to do to contradict my commands?

Dol Subtilty

They were not fit to be obey’d, wherefore they were
forbid.

Rrrrr2 The Rrrrr2v 436 The Lady gives Dol a box on the Ear.

Lady

There, take that, to remember I forbid you to forbid my commands.

Dol

I will declare your blows to some that shall revenge me.

Enter the Lord Widower.

Lord

What, are you so light-finger’d? ’Tis time to get you a Husband,
to govern and rule your high spirit.

Lady

No, pray Sir get me no Husband: for if my Father takes part against
me, surely a Husband will be worse natur’d.

Lord

So, you will say I am unnatural.

Lady

No Sir, I only say it is not my undutifulness that displeases you,
but some that hath more wit than I, or at least good fortune to please you
better.

Lord

Well, pray study your Book and Work, and leave the Houshold
Affairs to my disposal.

Lady

Sir, I took the Office, as my duty to your commands, not for Delight,
Pleasure, Ease, or Profit, and I shall surrender it up again upon the
same account, and with all the trouble, care, labour, vexations and disquiets
belonging thereunto.

Lord

In doing so, you will do very well.

Exeunt.

Scene 22.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria as being frightly sick, and her Husband
Sir William Lovewell.

Lovewell

Heaven bless you wife, what makes you so extremely pale, and
to seem so affrighted ?

Hypocon

O Husband I have an Imposthume broken within me, and the bag
will rise and choke me.

Lovewell

Heaven forbid.

Hypocon

O I am choak’d, I am choak’d, I cannot fetch my breath.

She takes her breath very short. Sir William Lovewell
in a great fright calls for help. Enter some
servants.

Lovewell

O send for Doctors strait: for my wife is ready to die.

They go out running, he standing by the Chair
his Wife sits in, trembling and quaking.

Lovewell

How are you, dear Wife ? how do you feel your self now?
how are you?

Hypocondria

O very ill; but yet me thinks I can fetch my breath a little better Sssss1r 437
better than I could, I believe the Imposthume-bag is fallen down: wherefore
I will go to bed.

Lovewell

Pray do Wife.

He leads her out, and she goeth softly.
Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his Wife.

Sage

Sweet-heart, I was in your Bed-chamber, and in your Cabinet-
chamber, and missing you in both, I was afraid I must have been forc’d
to have hir’d a Cryer, to have proclamed my loss.

Chastity

Many a Wife doth proclame her Husbands loss without the help
of a Cryer: for the Wives Adulterous Acts proclame her Husband a Cucold,
and the loss of his Honour.

Sage

But I am not afraid of that: for I am confident of thy Chastity (although
the old saying is, “Confidence makes Cuckolds”.)

Chastity

Your confidence of me shall never harm you.

Sage

But your too serious studies will harm your health; and if you be
sick, I cannot be well; besides, it will decay your Beauty, waste your Youth,
like Oyl spent in a melancholy lamp, where Life is always blinking.

Chastity

It were better that my Body should be sick, than my Mind idle;
by Beauty decay, than my Understanding perish; by Youth waste, than my
Fame lost; my Life blinking, than my Honour sinking: for an idle Mind,
not well imploy’d, creates a restless body, which runs from place to place,
and hates to be at home. Thus Mind and Body both being out, extravagant
Words and Actions run about, and Riot keeps possession. And though the Beauty withers and decays, Yet Wit and Wisedome with the ruine stays: And if the Youth doth waste, and Life’s Oyl’s spent, Yet Fame lasts long, and builds a Monument: A melancholy life doth shadows cast, But sets forth Virtue, if they are well plac’d, Then who would entertain an idle Mirth, Begot by Vanity, and dies in scorn? Or proud, or pleas’d with Beauty, when the Birth Becomes the Grave or Tomb as soon as born? But Wisedome wishes to be old and glad, When youthful Follies die, which seem as mad: If Age is subject to repent what’s past, Prudence and Experience redeems what’s lost.

Sage

I perceive, Wife, the Muses have kept you company, although you
walk by your self; but now I desire you will leave their company for a time,
and entertain mine.

Sssss Chasstity Sssss1v 438

Chastity

With all my heart; but the Muses are never with me, but when
you are imploy’d about serious Affairs: for though they are my Visiters; yet
they are your Domestick Servants.

Exeunt.

Scene 24.

Enter Sir Humphrey Disagree, and his Wife the Lady Disagree.

Lady Disagree

Dear Husband, where have you been?

Sir Hum. Disagree

My dear kind Wife, I have been in the Garden,
where I have heard little Robin Red-breast sing.

Lady Disagree

That’s a sign, Sweet-heart, we shall have warm weather,
otherwise they would come into the House.

Sir Hum. Disag

I had rather believe, my pretty Bird, we shall have cold
weather: for they sing always in the coldest time of the year, as in the depth
of Winter.

Lady Disagree

How ignorantly you speak, good Husband, as if the Robin
Redbrest
sings onely in the cold Winter, and not in the warm Summer
as well?

Sir Hum. Disagree

Why not, good Wife, as well as Nightingals, which
only sing in the Spring, and Swallows in the heat of Summer?

Lady Disagree

That doth not prove that the Robbin doth not sing in
Summer.

Sir Hum. Disag

I have never heard the Robbin sing in Summer.

Lady Disagree

Your never hearing of it, is not sufficient proof.

Sir Hum. Disag

It is to me.

Lady Disagree

To say it is, without a Reason, proves a Fool.

Sir Hum. Disag

I only prov’d my self a Fool in marying you.

Lady Disagree

I was accurst when first I gave consent to be your Wife.

Sir Hum. Disag

You were easily won.

Lady Disagree

What, because I consented to a Knave that wooed?

Sir Hum. Disag

You are a false woman, for calling me a Knave.

Lady Disagree

You are a Cuckold, for calling me false.

Sir Hum. Disag

Am I so, Mistris? I will be sure to thrust my Horns thorough
your Heart.

He offers to strike her, she get up a stool, and flings at
him, he gets a cushion and flings at her, and then
gets hold of her, she cries out Murder, in comes
their friends and servants, and parts them.

Sir Hum. Disag

Dam me, I ’ll kill her.

Lady Disagree

You’l be hang’d, will you?

Friend

Nay good Sir be not angry.

Servant

Good Madam go away, until my Masters anger is pass’d over.

Exeunt.
Act Sssss2r 439

Act III.

Scene. 25.

Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, alone, as being very melancholy.

Inconstant

I will read this Letter once again, although it shakes my Soul,
and makes me almost mad. He reads aloud the Letter. “‘Sir,The wrongs you have done me, are more than Heaven can give me patience to
endure; for which wrongs, may thick black clouds of Infamy overspread your
Memory; and may my Sorrows beat upon your Soul, as Northern Winds upon the
Sea, and raise up all your thoughts in discontent, as raging billows, causing your voice
to roar out loud with hideous noise, confounding all the Actions of your Life; and
may your hopes be drown’d in the salt water of despairing Tears. The Heavens cannot
condemn me for cursing a man which hath betray’d my Youth by Flattery, violated
my Chastity by Protestations, tormented my harmless thoughts with Perjury, disquieting
my peaceful Life with Misfortunes. But the burthen of my Wrongs being too
weighty for life to bear, hath sunk it to the Grave, where I hope all my disgrace will
be buried with me, though not the revenges of my Wrongs; for those will punish you
when I am dead: For the Gods are just, although Mankind is not.’”

Enter Nic Adviser, Sir Francis Inconstants man.

Inconstant

O Nick, what a Villain am I!

Adviser

For what Sir?

Inconstant

For Perjury and Murther : for I did not only break those Bonds
I had sealed with holy Vows, but my Falshood hath kill’d a fair young Lady:
for she hearing I had forsaken her, and was to be maried to another,
she dy’d for grief.

Adviser

Alas Sir, we are all by Nature both frail and mortal: wherefore
we must complain of Nature, of her Inconstancy and Cruelty, in making our
Minds so changeable, and our Bodies so weak, the one being subject to
Death; the other subject to Variety. But Sir, in my Opinion, you have no
cause to grieve, but rather to rejoyce: for what you have erred by Nature;
you have repaired by Fortunes favour: for if that Lady which is dead, had
lived, you would have been incumber’d with many troubles.

Inconstant

As how Nick?

Adviser

Why you would have been as a young Bear baited by two young
Whelps; the forsaken Lady railing and exclaming against you in all Company
she came into, and your Wife tormenting you with sharp words and
loud noise, insomuch as you would have neither eat, drank, or slept in quiet.
Thus both abroad and at home you would have heard nothing but your own
reproaches.

Sssss2 In- Sssss2v 440

Inconstant

But shall not I be the same now she is dead, think you?

Adviser

No faith Sir: for Death hath stopt the mouth of the one, and
Kisses may chance to muzzle the mouth of the other; but if you be melancholy,
your Lady will think you do repent, and will believe that you do prefer
the memory of your dead Mistris, before the enjoyment of your living
Wife; besides, women are so jealous, as they will not allow their Husbands
to think (that makes them talk so much as they do) for they think Thoughts
are Bauds to Adulterous Actions, and that Imaginations commit Fornication
with the Ghosts and Spirits of the dead.

Inconstant

Well Nick I will take thy counsel, and cast off melancholy, and
be merry in Jovial Company,

Exeunt.

Scene 26.

Enter the Lady Jealousie as holding her Head, and Sir Edward
Courtly
her Husband.

Courtly

What, are you sick, Wife?

Jealousie

I have such a pain in my Head, as I am not able to look up,
or to speak.

Courtly

You should take some Physick.

Jealousie

I cannot take some Physick.

Courtly

You must take Physick if you be not well; but pray have a care
you do not catch cold, for that will do you hurt. But I must be gone about
my several Affairs: wherefore God be with you wife.

Sir Edward Courtly goes out. The Lady Jealousie calls her Maid.

Jealousie

Nan.

Maid

Madam?

Jealousie

Go make me a White-wine Caudle.

Maid

I shall Madam.

Exeunt.

Scene 27.

Enter the Lady Chastity, and the Lady Procurer.

Procurer

Madam, I am not come upon my own Score, but upon a new
one: for I am intreated, or rather commanded by a young Gentleman
to kiss your Ladiships hands, as from him who durst not come to do it himself
without your leave.

Chastity

Truly he shall never have leave from me.

Procurer

He begs that your Ladiship would give him leave to be your
admiring Servant.

Chastity Ttttt1r 441

Chastity

He may admire without my leave; and I wish I had Merits
worth admiring.

Procurer

By my Troth, Madam, he is a most sweet young Gentleman.

Chastity

Hath Nature perfum’d him, or Art?

Procurer

Both, Madam.

Chastity

That’s too much, and will be apt to give the Head-ach.

Procurer

O Madam, he is most desperately in Love with your Ladyship.

Chastity

Pray Heaven, Madam, he doth not hang himself before my
door!

Procurer

’Faith Madam, it is to be fear’d he will do some violent Act
upon himself, unless you pity him.

Chastity

Is he in distress?

Procurer

As much as Love can make him.

Chastity

How should I help him, Madam?

Procurer

Nothing can help him but Love’s Returns in kind Imbracements.

Chastity

Would you have me a maried Wife, imbrace an Amorous
Lover?

Procurer

O Madam, stolen pleasures are sweet, and Mariage is a Cloak to
hide Love’s meetings.

Chastity

And can it hide the sin from the Gods, and the falshood from my
Husband, as well as from the World? But let me tell you, the World is
quick-sighted as to Particulars, though blind as to the General, complaining
against single crimes, yet never helps to mend them.

Procurer

’Faith Madam, the Gods easily pardon natural faults, and Husbands
dare not spy them, at least not to divulge them; and the World censures
all the Virtuous as much as the Wicked, and the Chaste as much as the
Wanton; besides, you are excusable, being maried to an antient man.

Chastity

Doth Age deserve no Love?

Procurer

’Faith little: for Love wears out with Time, and Age wears
out of Love; and if you said you did love your Husband, no body would
believe you: for who can think you that are young and fair, can love a man
that’s old?

Chastity

By Heaven I never thought my Husband old: for he doth appear
to me to be just at Maturity, adorned with all the Graces.

Procurer

Surely you do not think his silver Hair Apollo’s Locks!

Chastity

No; but I think them Palas’s his Head-peece.

Procurer

Nor can you think his hollow Eyes, that’s sunk into his Head,
are Cupids golden Arrows?

Chastity

No; but I think them Minerva’s Loom, which hath inter-weav’d
several Objects, making various and most curious works of Knowledge, and
of Wit, where Judgment in the midst is plac’d, and Understanding borders
it.

Procurer

And can you think his shoulders, bent by weak old Age, are
Cupids Bow?

Chastity

No; but I can think it’s like a Bank swell’d out by Generosity,
to bear Necessities burdens on; or else a heap of Noble Deeds, rais’d by
Heroick Actions, whereon Fame sits in Triumph, and blows his praise abroad,
that all the World may hear it.

Procurer

I will never believe you can think the furrows in this face, Ttttt plough’d Ttttt1v 442
plough’d up by Time, as smooth as waters be when in a calm.

Chastity

No; but I can think them Tracks or Paths made by Experience,
in which walks Prudence, Fortitude, Justice, and Temperance: And though
you strive to make my Husband seem much older than he is, yet I believe
that neither Time nor Age hath power over him: for to my sight his Skin is
as smooth as Light, his Eyes as darting as Apollo’s Beams, his Body is as
straight as Serzes Wand, able to charm the youngest she, and turn her all to
Love; his Strength is active, and his Spirits quick, to carry Arms, or fight
his Enemmies; and for his Brain, ’tis equally temper’d, not burnt with heat,
nor frozen up with cold; nor are his Sinews out of tune by slacken’d Nerves,
but just set to Lifes Harmony, Strength strings the Cords, and Health doth
keep just Time.

Procurer

Ha, ha, ha, sweet Lady, your love hath made him a most Heavenly
Creature.

Chastity

Foul Devil, that seeks for to corrupt the Mariage-bed with false
Dispraise, and flattering Insinuations, carrying fond Loves recommendations
from Ear to Ear! Youth being credulous, they are soon receiv’d, which you
perceiving, strait strive to sow in tender hearts Loves Amorous Passions,
from whence Adultery doth grow, and Vices do increase. You a Lady, a
Bawd. O that Honour, the mark of Merit, should be plac’d on such base
subjects as you are! Be gone, such Bawds as you are not only able to disorder
a private Family, but to ruine a whole Kingdome; you are worse than
Witches, and do more mischief.

Lady Chastity goes out. Lady Procurer alone.

Procurer

O that I had that power, to make her Husband so jealous, as he
might hate her!

Exit.

Scene 28.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and Sir William Lovewell.

Hypocondria

O Husband, I am a dead woman: for all my side is numb,
nay in a dead Palsie, I cannot feel my Arm.

Lovewell

Heaven forbid: let me rub your Arm. He rubs her Arm.
But Wife, if it were dead, you could not move it, and you can move it, can
you not?

Hypocondria

Yes, but very weakly.

Lovewell

Wrap it up with warm cloaths, until such time as the Doctor
can be sent for. Come into your Chamber, and I will send for the Doctor
strait.

Hypocon

No, pray do not send for the Doctor now: for with your rubbing
my Arm, you have brought the lively spirits into it again.

Love- Ttttt2r 443

Lovewell

I am glad of it; but pray keep your bed.

Exeunt.

Scene 29.

Enter the Lady Jealousies Waiting-Gentlewoman, and her
Chamber-maid.

Gentlewoman

My Lady doth not like her Caudle: wherefore she will
have a Sack-posset made her.

Chambermaid

Not like it? why she eat a great porrenger of it:

Gentlewoman

That’s all one, my Lady did not like it; and therefore you
must make a Sack-posset,

Chambermaid

What fault found she with it?

Gentlewoman

She did not express her particular dislike, but in the general.

Chambermaid

Well, I shall make her a Posset strait.

Exeunt.

Scene 30.

Enter two servant-maids of the Lady Disagrees.

1 Maid

Heaven be thanked, my Master and Lady are perfectly friends
again: for she sits in his lap, and he kisses her very lovingly. Lord,
what a disquietous house have we had!

Sir Humphry and his Lady make a noise within,
as being fallen out again.

2 Maid

Hark, what noise is that? They hearken, and hear the Shovel and
Tongs flung about.

Juno bless us, I think they’l fling the house out at the windows.

The Lady calls for help.

1 Maid

Run, run Jane, they are fallen out again, and will kill each other.

2 Maid

O call the Chaplin to part them: for we shall never do it: Call
him, call him.

Exeunt Maids in a frighted haste.
Ttttt2 Scene Ttttt2v 444

Scene 31.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria’s Maid in a frighted haste: And enter
Roger Trusty, Sir William Lovewel’s Man.

Maid

O Trusty, where is my Master? my Lady is so ill, as we think
she’ll die: for she saith that she is an Apoplexy.

Trusty

If she were in an Apoplexy, she could not speak.

Maid

Hold thy prating, Fool: for hers is a speaking Apoplexy.

Trusty

You are a Slut for calling me Fool.

Maid

You are a Knave for calling me Slut.

Trusty

Am I so? there’s for you for calling me Knave.

He kicks her, she cries out; in comes more servants:
Then follows the Lady Hypocondria
running after them.

Hypocondria

What in the name of Juno is the matter? what Thieves
are enter’d? or is my house on fire?

2 Maid

No Madam, only Roger and Joan are beating one another.

Hypocondria

May the Devil beat them for frighting me so.

Enter Sir William Lovewell.

Lovewell

My dear Wife, what is the cause you sent for me in such
haste?

Hypocondria

O Husband, I was dying of an Apoplexie, my Spirits were
stopt, and my Brain was smother’d in a cloud of gross vapours; but your
Man and my Maid falling out, they fell a beating each other, and she crying
out for help, did so affright me, as I came running hither, thinking Thieves
had broken in, or Fire had broken out of our house, which fright hath unstopt
the Sluce-passages, and dispers’d the Vapour.

Lovewell

I perceive a bad Cause may sometimes produce a good Effect,
if their fighting hath cured you.

Hypocondria

Yes; but I will turn away my Maid, for crying, and quarrelling,
and making such a noise.

Lovewell

That were unjust: for should the sick Patient, that had been
sick to death, when he was restored to health, banish the Physician that restored
him, without a Fee? No, he ought to have his Fee doubl’d or trebl’d,
so you ought not onely to keep your Maid, but to double or treble her
wages.

Trusty

It were more just to treble my wages than hers; for I was the cause
of the Out-cry: for when I beat her, she roared, and her voice thorough her
throat, made as great a rumbling noise, as a foul chimney set on fire, and in
my Conscience as much sooty flegm fell from her head, as from a Cooks
Chimney; and when she scolded, her words were so harsh, as they creakt
just so as when a door is taken off the hinges, which made my Lady strait apprehend
either Fire, or Thieves, or both.

Lovewell

No, you deserve nothing, by reason a man ought not to strike
a woman.

Roger Vvvvv1r 441445

Roger Trusty

Why Sir? she would sooner have been hang’d about my
neck, than have cried, if I had kiss’d her instead of kicking her.

Lovewell

Hold your prating, and learn to be civiller to women.

Exeunt all but Roger and Joan.

Trusty

If I had kiss’d you, Joan, as I perceive my Master would have had
me done, you had been silent, and in your silence my Lady would have died,
and then my Master had been a lusty Widower, and a free Wooer, and a
fresh man, as one may say, where now he is bound to a sickly Wife; and
this is the reason my Master would not increase my wages: which if I had
kiss’d you, I had been inriched by my Masters favour: wherefore Joan, I will
kiss thee, but kick thee no more.

Joan

Go hang your self, it is too late now, you should have kiss’d me
before.

Exeunt.

Act IV.

Scene. 32.

Enter the Waiting-woman and Chambermaid of the Lady
Jealousie
.

Gentlewoman

You are a strange wench, to make the Posset-curd so tough,
that now my Lady hath eat it, it lies so hard, so hard in her stomach,
as it cannot digest

Maid

Tough, say you? I am sure to my taste it was as tender as Cream.

Gentlewoman

Well, in my Ladies stomach it proves as hard as stone:
wherefore you must go and burn some Claret-wine for her, with Cloves,
Mace, and Nutmegs, and make it very sweet with fine loaf-sugar, presently,
presently.

Maid

But if my Lady hath one meat after another so quick, she will not
be able to hold all in her stomach, by reason her stomach must of necessity overflow.

Gentlewoman

If the wine make her stomach to overflow, it will be like
washing the mouth, and rubbing the teeth after meat, the which will scour
her stomach clean.

Maid

Nay, if the stomach be not scour’d and cleans’d somtimes, it
would be very foul, by reason it is so often us’d.

Gentlewoman

And if it be scour’d too often, it will wear it out, as the Learned
say: But Nan, go your ways and burn the wine, otherwise my Lady
will chide.

Exeunt.
Vvvvv Scene Vvvvv1v 446

Scene 33.

Enter Monsieur Amorous, and the Lady Procuurer, as Visitants to
the Lady Wanton.

Lady Procurer

Well Monsieur Amorous, now I have brought you to
this Lady, I will leave you to make your Complements, the whilst I will
go, Madam, to your woman, to Mistris Watcher, and chide her for not sending
me that you promis’d me.

Wanton

She is much asham’d for her forgetfulness, and had rather die
than see you.

Exit Lady Procurer. Monsieur Amorous seems to stagger, as being weak and
faint, almost ready to fall into a Swoun; then takes
his handkerchief, and wipes his face, as if he did sweat.

Wanton

Are you not well Sir?

Amorous

A sudden passion hath surrounded my Heart, and hath surprized
my Senses, sending out cold damp sweats over all my body.

Wanton

Sir, will you drink any cordial water?

He kisses her hand.

Amorous

Lady, it was your Beauty that struck me with a trembling fear,
and made my spirits faint; but this delicious kiss that I have taken from
your hand, restores me more, and gives me greater strength than all the Spirits
Chymists can extract.

Wanton

I perceive now it was a dissembling fit, and not a real sickness.

Amorous

Misconstrue not my Admirations and Affections, which do adore
and worship you.

Wanton

If we women should believe the words of men, they would make
us more conceited of our selves than yet we are.

Amorous

There are not thoughts to equal your great Beauty, nor words
for to express it.

Enter the Lady Procurer in great haste.

Procurer

Madam, Madam, your Husband is comming, your Husband is
comming.

Wanton

For Venus sake stay by me, Madam, that my Husband may see I
have a woman in my company.

Enter Sir Thomas Cuckold, Sir Thomas and Monsieur Amorous
congee to one another.

Amorous

Sir, my ambition grew impatient to be acquainted, and to render
my self, and offer my service to you Sir.

Cuckold

Sir, I am your most humble Servant, and shall strive by all the
ways I can to appear worthy your favours.

The Vvvvv2r 447 The Ladies speak familiarly.

Wanton

Lord, Lady Procurer, how are you drest to day in a most careless
fashion?

Procurer

It is the mode, it is the mode to go undrest,

Cuckold

Wife, this is not a fit room to entertain this noble Gentleman,
Sir, will you be pleas’d to walk into another room?

Amorous

All rooms are fine Sir, where you and your Virtuous Lady
are.

Exeunt Sir Thomas Cuckold and Monsieur Amorous.

Procurer

’Faith if I had not come running in before your Husband, he
had catch’d you.

Lady Wanton claps the Lady Procurer on the cloaths.

Wanton

’Faith Procurer, thou art such another Lady-wag, as all the
Town cannot match thee.

Procurer

I was, I was, but now I am grown old, I am grown old; but I
was born to do good Offices.

Exeunt.

Scene 34.

Enter two Maids of the Lady Poverty’s.

1 Maid

I wonder my Lady is able to stay in the room with my Master:
his vomiting hath so fumed the room, as there is such a stink, that by
my troth I am almost strangled with the smell of the corrupted drink.

2 Maid

Alas poor Lady! she is forc’d to stay for fear he should be outragious
in his drunken humour: for if she stirs or speaks, he swears as if he
would draw the Devils out of Hell.

1 Maid

Hell is not so bad, as to be where he is now he is drunk.

Enter another Maid.

3 Maid

My Master is asleep, and my Lady would have you make lesse
noise, and not to talk so loud, for fear you should awake him.

1 Maid

If he be asleep, we may make what noise we will or can make,
he will not wake until such time as the fume or vapour of wine be out of his
head, no sound can enter: But I wonder my Lady will take such care of him,
when he hath no respect to her, but transforms himself from a man to beast every
day; indeed she sees him only a beast, not a man: for before he is wholy
sober, he rises to go to a Tavern to be drunk again.

2 Maid

If my Master transforms himself into a beast ere that he comes
to my Lady, he imitates Jove: for he transform’d himself into a Bull for the
sake of fair Europa.

1 Maid

But not into a drunken roaring Bull as my Master is.

3 Maid

’Faith if I were my Lady, I would hold by his Horns, and then
let him roar, and drink, and whore as much as he will.

Vvvvv2 1 Maid Vvvvv2v 444448

1 Maid

Yes, so she might chance to be drench’d in a Bathing-tub, as Europa
in the Sea.

Exeunt.

Scene 35.

Enter Nan the Lady Jealousies Chamber-maid, and her Master Sir
Henry Courtly
meets her, and kisses her. Enter the Lady Jealousie,
and sees him.

Lady Jealousie

So Husband, I perceive Nan is in your favour.

Nan runs out of the room.

Courtly

’Faith Wife Nan is a careful and industrious Wench: for she
strives to serve us both, for she makes you caudles and feeds me with kisses.

Lady Jealousie

Or rather Husband you feed Nan, and Nan feeds me.

Courtly

Faith the truth is I feed you both.

Lady Jealousie

But Nan hath the greatest share, that makes her so proud,
and I so sickly; But since you are so liberal to her, and so sparing to me, I
will board elsewhere, and so as I may carve where I like best.

Courtly

Sure Wife you will not.

Lady Jealousie

Surely Husband I will do my endeavour.

Courtly

What to be a Whore?

Lady Jealousie

Yes, if being a whore will make you a Cuckold.

Exeunt.

Scene. 36.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria and her Maid.

Lady Hypocondria

My Husband hath been a long time abroad, pray Jove
he be safe, if he should chance to have a quarrel and fight, a hundred
to one but he is killd: for otherwise he would have come home; do you
think he is well Joan?

Maid

You need not fear, for my master is of so civil a behaviour, and of
so sweet a disposition, as he can have no enemies.

Lady Hypocon

O But he is a man that is very valiant, and one that is very
sensible of disgrace, and affronts.

Maid

Truly I believe you have no reason to fear.

Lady Hypocon

Do you but believe so, nay then you doubt, and therefore
I know he is kill’d and I will go and find out the murtherer, and kill him my
self.

The Lady Hypocondria offers to run out of
the room, as in a frighted passion, the maid
stops her.
Maid. Xxxxx1r 449

Maid

My Noble Lady, do not run in this passion: for all the idle ment and
women, and boyes, and girles will run after you, as thinking you mad; for
they make no difference betwixt melancholy, and madnesse.

Lady Hypocon

I am not able to overcome this fear, I shall die.

Maid

Pray stay and send out one of your men to inquire where he is.

Lady Hypocon

Call Roger Trusty.

The Maid goes out. The Lady alone.

Lady Hypoco

O You defendant Gods assist my Husband.

Enter Joan, and Roger Trusty.

Lady Hypocon

Trusty go presently, and seek out your master, and bring
me word where he is, and how he doth, and be sure if you see a grim look’t
fellow near him, that you stir not from your Master, but wait upon him home,
for fear some trechery should beset him.

Trusty

Who shall bring you word of his health, or sicknesse, life, or
death?

Lady Hypocon

Death you say, O you have heard he is kill’d.

Trusty

By Pluto I have heard no such thing.

Lady Hypocon

Why do you talk of death then?

Trusty

Because you send me to know whether he be dead, or alive.

Lady Hypocon

That is true, wherefore let one of the Foot-boyes go along
with you to bring me an answer; but be sure you stay with your
Master.

Trusty

I shall.

Lady Hypocon

Make all the hasste you can to find him.

Exeunt.

Scene 37.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity.

Sir Hen. Sage

Is the Lady Procurer a Baud say you?

Lady Chastity

A perfect one I think: for she pleaded as earnestly, as Lawyers
for a fee.

Sir Hen. Sage

No doubt, but she hath as much reason: for sure she doth
it for gain, not out of love to wicked basenesse; but I believe poverty perswades
her, or rather inforces her.

Chastity

No surely, it is an inborn, or at least an inbred baseness: for neither
death, nor torments can inforce, nor riches nor preferrments allure a noble
mind to such base acts; but some are so unworthy, or rather wicked, as to delight
to intice, and to pervert all they can get acquaintance with.

Sir Hen. Sage

And some doe it to hide their own faults, thinking to bury
them under the vices of others, or smother them in the presse of a multitude:
but let me advise you not to entertain her company any more.

Chastity

I believe she will not visit me again.

Xxxxx Exeunt. Xxxxx1v 450

Scene 38.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and one of her women.

Lady Sprightly

Lord, Lord, this nasty love, or rather this beastly lust that
doth corrupt all good manners, as gentle civility, free society, lawfull
recreations, honest friendship, natural affections; it cuts off the feet of obedience,
it breaks the knees of duty, it wounds the breast of fidelity, it pulls
out the heart of loyalty; it turns away prudence, it banishes temperance, and
murthers justice; it breaks peace and makes warrs, and turns arms into
petticoats. O sweet pure Chastity, how amiable thou art, how beautifull
thou appearst in women, how heroick in men: for Chast women have such
innocent thoughts, such pure, clean, clear, white, immaculate minds, such
modest countenances, such gentle behaviour, such civil discourses, such noble
actions, such discreet entertainments, such cautionarie recreations; otherwise
they are bold, impudent, rude, slanting, ranting, romping women:
also Chastity in men makes them heroick, for propriety, justice, constancy,
and natural and honest love is the basis, pillars, or foundation whereon
true valour is built, when amorous affections make men effeminate, causing
them to cast away their hard iron arms to lie in the soft arms of beauty,
and stops their eares from loud alarums, with charming notes of Musick,
it takes them from being masters of themselves, and others, and makes
them become servants, and slaves; from commanding an Army to be commanded
by single women, by whom he is checkt like a school-boy, lead
like a dog in a string, as after his mistrisses humours, her frown makes him
crouch like a cur, her smiles make him skip, and make faces like a Jack-anapes,
and their beastly appetites make them so rude, and wilde, as they regard
no civility of behaviour, no gentleness of disposition, no constancy of
affection, they keep no friendship, constancy, or vowes, they break all decent
customs, and disobey all honest laws; but this is a theam too wilde to be
preacht on.

Gentlewoman

Why Madam, my Lord your father may be a very chast
man although he lieth with his maid, if he hath made her his wife before he
made her his bedfellow.

Lady Sprightly

His wife? he scorns the thought, and hates the act.

Gentlewoman

Pardon me Madam, if I offer to lay a wager of it.

Lady Sprightly

Are you so confident that you dare lay a wager?

Gentlewoman

If you inquire more I believe you will find it to be true.

Exeunt.
Act Xxxxx2r 451

Act V.

Scene 39.

Enter the Lady Chastity, and her woman gives her a letter. Lady reads the Letter.

Lady Chastity

Who brought this letter?

Woman

A kind of a Gentleman servingman.

Chastity

Pray receive no more letters from that man.

Woman

He said he would come in the evening to receive an answer.

Chastity

If he comes, tell him it needs no answer.

Enter Sir Henry Sage.

Chastity

Husband, will you read a Love letter?

Sir Hen. Sage

From whence comes it, and to whom is it sent?

Chastity

You will soon find from whence it comes, and to whom it is
sent.

He reads it.

Sir Hen. Sage

So wife, I perceive I am in danger to be made a Cuckold.

Chastity

Doth the letter beget your faith to that opinion?

Sir Hen. Sage

But the praises, and professions this letter brings you, raises
scruples, and those scruples beget controversies, and those controversies
may in time make a convert.

Chastity

Rather a pervert Husband; but be you constant, and I will warrant
you safe.

Sir Hen. Sage

But Youth and Beauty wife, when they plead, are greater
Bawds, and have a more perswasive power than the Lady Procurer.

Chastity

Truly all three, Beauty, Youth, or the Lady Procurer, rather
than perswade me, would divert me, had I a wanton nature; as first, for the
Lady Procurer her baseness appeared such as made me hate my self for being
of the same sex she was of, and grieved me to see the follies of mankind, the
one appearing like a Devil, the other like a beast, so seem’d the Lover and
the Bawd, when men have Reason to govern, as much as Appetite to perswade,
the one proceeding from the Soul, the other from the body; besides,
Virtue is the Natural Complexion of the Soul, not Vice: for Vice is bred,
not born in man: As for Youth, it is so fantastical, extravagant, wilde, and
self-opinionated, doing such ridiculous Actions, putting themselves into such
affected Postures, as I might be as soon enamour’d with a Jack-anapes: Besides,
the discourses of Youth are so flashy, as it gives the hearers no relish;
and their Judgment is so shallow, and their Understanding so mysty, as when
Reason discourses with them, it is apt to be lost in the darkness of Ignorance.
Lastly, for Beauty in men, it is worse than unhansomeness in women: for
an ill-favour’d woman seems masculine, as if she had an Heroick Spirit, Xxxxx2 though Xxxxx2v 452
though she were a Coward; to have a judicious Understanding, though she
should be a Fool; to be Chaste, although she were Wanton; when on the
contrary, a beautiful man appears Effeminate, Foolish, and Cowardly, when
(perchance) he may be Wise and Valiant, yet ’tis Beauty makes him seem
otherwise; and (for the most part) a beautiful man is more nice and curious
about his person, as in his cloathing, dressing, trimming, perfuming, powdering,
curling, and some will pomate and paint themselves, all which seems
to me preposterous to men, insomuch as I could as soon be amorously affected
with my own Sex, as those that are accounted beautiful men; and you
might sooner be jealous of Age than Youth, with a Sun-burnt face and a wither’d
skin, than a face that looks as if it had not seen the Sun, or the Sun it,
nor felt the nipping Frost nor parching Wind; but I hope you have a better
opinion of your self than to be jealous, as to think I can like any man better,
or so well as you: And if you have not so good an opinion of me, as to believe
I am constantly honest, yet I have such an assurance of my self, as to know I
am not liable to be corrupted, and I am so Chaste, as I have not a thought
subject to sully the purity of my chaste Mind and honest Heart.

Sage

I believe you.

Exeunt.

Scene 40.

Enter Roger Trusty, as to his Master Sir William Lovewell.

Lovewell

What is the matter, Roger, that you are come?

Trusty

And’t please your Worship, my Lady hath sent me to know how
your Worship is in health.

Lovewell

Why very well. How does she?

Trusty

She’s well, but that she’s afraid your Worship’s kill’d.

Lovewell

If I were kill’d, I were past sickness or health. But who should
kill me?

Trusty

Nay that her Ladyship could not guess.

Lovewell

Return home to your Lady, and tell her I shall be with her
within an hour.

Trusty

I dare not leave your Worship: for she hath sent me to guard
and protect you from all harm, and to fight in your quarrel, and hath sent
one of the Foot-boys to bring her word how your Worship doth.

Lovewell

Go you and return back, and tell your Lady from me, that Honesty,
Civility, and Courage, is a sufficient Guard and Protection; if not,
then my Sword, and my Skill to use it, will fight, and maintain my
quarrel.

Trusty

If I should go home with that Message, you would find her dead
at your return.

Lovewell

Why so?

Trusty

Why Sir, the very name of a Sword will kill her: I wonder your
Worship should forget it, and knows her humour so well.

Lovewell

Yes, I know she hath a sweet Humour, and a tender Nature:
wherefore return home without any more prating, and tell her that I am
safe, and in very good health. Run all the way.

Scene Yyyyy1r 453

Scene 41.

Enter Sir Edward Courtly, and his Wife the Lady Jealousie.

Courtly

Wife, you may win me from the imbracing of other women, if
you have Discretion and Chastity answerable to your Wit and Beauty.

Jealousie

But I perceive men love variety; and if so, had I the Beauty of
Venus, and the wit of Mercury, the Wisedom of Pallas, and the Chastity
of Diana, you would be like Jupiter still, and make love to mortals, which
are common Wenches: But do not think I will do as Juno did, as to torment
my self with vexing and fretting for that which I cannot mend or help; but
I will please my self with variety as much as you, and in the clouds of night
will hide my Self and Lovers.

Courtly

’Faith Wife I shall dissolve your Clouds into showers of Tears,
and strike your Lover with my Thunder-bolt, which is my Poniard: But
Wife, let me advise you to be as you ought to be, a good Wife: for, as I
will not incroach upon my Wifes Prerogative, so Wife, you shall not incroach
upon mine, being your Husband.

Jealousie

You will not give me leave to have the variety of Courting
Servants; yet you will take the liberty of variety to Court several Mistresses.

Courtly

It is part of my Prerogative.

Jealousie

What, to have whores?

Courtly

Yes; and its part of the Wifes duty which she owes to her Husband,
to be content.

Jealousie

She is not bound to that duty.

Courtly

She is bound to obey all duties: for the fundamental Laws in
Mariage, are for the Husband to rule, the Wife to obey; the Husband to
cherish, the Wife to love; the Husband to be Valiant to defend and protect
her, the Wife to be Chaste, to suffer and submit; and when I leave to Command,
you may leave for to Obey; when I leave to Cherish, you may leave
to Love; when I am a Coward, you may be a Whore: for when I basely
part with my Honour, you are not bound to keep it; but until I do part
with my Honour, I charge you to keep it as you would do your life.

Jealousie

By these Rules maried men are not bound to be constant.

Courtly

Yes, to the Sex, but not to his Wife, in the case of Amorous Imbracements:
for a Husband hath liberty for variety, but the Wife is restrain’d
to one.

Jealousie

These are Laws that neither the Gods nor Nature have prescribed,
but only impartial men which make what Laws they please.

Courtly

Nature taught men to make them for propriety-sake, and Gods
command men to keep them, and that men should do their endeavour to
force the Effeminate Sex to obey and practise them strictly, for the sake of
Civil Common-wealths, wherein the Gods are best serv’d.

Jealousie

But women are not such Fools, to be forc’d, such Asses, to bear
such intollerable burdens of Troubles, Vexations, Crosses, and Neglects
from their Husbands and their Whores.

Courtly

Women are best pleas’d when they are made Asses.

Yyyyy Jealousie Yyyyy1v 454

Jealousie

Indeed Husbands make Asses of their Wives; but in faith you
shall not make one of me.

Exeunt.

Scene. 42.

Enter two Maids of the Lady Poverties.

1Maid

My poor Lady sits so melancholy, and sighs and weeps, as it
grieves my Soul to see her.

2 Maid

Can you blame her, when she and her children must go a begging,
or sit and starve: for my Master hath sold most of his Estate at several
times, and hath spent the money in Drink and Whores, and hath lost it at
play: and now he hath sent for all his Plate to play away, her Jewels were
pawn’d before.

1 Maid

But when all is lost and spent, he will be forc’d to be a good
Husband.

2 Maid

When all is gone, it will not be in his power: for none can be
good Husbands as concerning Husbandry, when they have nothing to Husband.

1 Maid

The best of it is, he will suffer as much as my Lady.

2 Maid

No faith: for he will rook, and shark, and cheat, and baud, to
get a poor living, when she, poor Lady, must work hard for her Living.

1 Maid

Alas she cannot work.

2 Maid

Then she must get some acquaintance, and turn Lady Bawd, and
shew Ladies how to dress themselves, and sell paint, pomatoms, wax-gloves,
oyl’d-masks, and the like Commodities privately; or else she must pretend
Skill in Chirurgery or Physick, and to make Plaisters, Salves, Oyntments,
and the like, or make Cordial Powders, or Cordial Waters, and other waters
and powders; then perswade old Ladies to take thereof, telling them
those will make them look as young as one of fifteen.

1 Maid

But those things require cost to make them.

2 Maid

No ’faith, there requires not much charge: for Paint, Pomatom,
and the like Commodities, will sell at any price, and will be make at
a little charge: and for Salves and Plaisters, and Oyls and Oyntments, Hogsgrease,
Turpentine, and Bole-Armonike, serves for all sorts of those things,
and Bread, and Meal, and Milk, and some chopt Herbs, and Sallet-oyl, serves
for all Pultesses; and for Cordial Powders, some hot Seeds as Anniseed,
Caroway-seed, Coriander-seed, and the like Seeds, with some powder of
Liquoras, and beaten Spices, with some sorts of Gums, as Mastick, Myrrh,
and the like, will serve their turn.

1 Maid

But Cordial Powders are made of Pearl, Amber, Corall, and
the like.

2 Maid

’Faith a little powder of posts serves as well: for they cannot be
distinguish’d by their taste; but howsoever, it is but putting a grain of Musk
and Ambergrease, and instead of Amber, Coral, and Pearl, ’tis but poudring
some shav’d Harts-horn and Chiny, and they will serve as well, and (perchance
work as good Effects:) Indeed Cordial Waters are chargeable to make Yyyyy2r 455
make: for they require fire to distill them; but there is some remedy for
that: for it is but buying several sorts of ordinary hot waters, and mix them
together, so as no one of the waters may predominate in taste, and it will
pass for rare extracted Spirits, so as she shall never need to venture to distill,
or lay out money, but just for the present to fetch it from those that fell Aqua-
vitæ, Rosasolus
, and the like, which may be had at a cheap rate, and she may
sell them at a great price.

1 Maid

But what shall become of the poor young Children?

2 Maid

Why, he rooking, and she bawding, may make a shift to feed
them with bread: and those two Trades will never fail as long as Mankind
lasts: for Whoring and Knaving will last till Dooms-day, or for ever.

1 Maid

But Ursly, my Lady hath given us warning to be gone: wherefore
we must seek out new services.

2 Maid

My Lady is so good a Lady, as I wish to serve her so as to
maintain her, since she is not able to maintain a servant.

1 Maid

But since we cannot maintain her, nor she us, we must leave
her.

Exeunt.

Scene 43.

Enter Roger Trusty to his Lady all in a sweat running: she
seeing him come in such haste, cries out.

Hypocondria

O help me, help me, you merciful Powers, to destroy me,
and let me not outlive my Husband.

Trusty

’Tis like the Gods will hear your prayers: for ten to one my Master
out-lives you.

Hypocon

Why, is he alive?

Trusty

Yes, and alive’s like.

Hypocon

What makes you sweat so?

Trusty

To bring you the good news of his well-bing, and to prove the
old Proverb a Lyar, which sayes, “Bad Newes hath wings, and good Newes
no legs.”

Hypocon

Where did you meet your Master?

Trusty

In Westminster-Hall.

Hypocon

How did he look?

Trusty

Healthful and well.

Hypocon

Did he seem angry or pleas’d, merry or sad?

Trusty

Why he neither seem’d angry nor pleas’d, merry nor sad, which
I wonder’d at: for in Lawyers Courts, and places of Judicature, I never
saw any face but was cloathed with a merry green countenance, or a sad black
countenance, or a red cholerick face, or a pale malicious face; but my Masters
face appeard like naked Truth, and clean Temperance, wash’d white with
Innocency, being plump with health, and smooth with plenty.

Hypocon

But why did you leave him?

Trusty

Why he commanded me so to doe, and to run every step, to
tell you he was comming home, and I chose as the wisest to run, althoughYyyyy2 though Yyyyy2v 456
I sweat for it, than stay and have a broken Head.

Hypocon

Well, I give you here a twenty-shilling-piece to dry your sweat
with a cup of Sack.

Exit Lady.

Trusty

May all my labours be rewarded thus.

Maid Joan

I perceive you take the gift as a due reward, and not as my
Ladies bounty.

Trusty

Hold your prating: what need we thank the Gods, if Saints merit
Heaven?

Exeunt.

Scene 44.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and the Lord Widower her Father.

Lady Sprightly

Sir, I desire you would not think me undutiful to ask you
a question: for I hope I am not so much in your disfavour, as not to resolve
me, since it is in your power.

Widower

Well, what is’t that you would know?

Sprightly

Whether you are maried, or not?

Widower

What if I am? Mariage is lawful.

Sprightly

Yes Sir, but I doubt whether it be honourable or not: for ’tis
said you are maried to my Chamber-maid Dol Subtilty.

Widower

Perchance I am.

Sprightly

Then I desire your Lordship will let me marry too.

Widower

With all my heart, and I shall do my part towards thy mariage;
but to whom would you be maried?

Sprightly

Your Butler Sir.

Widower

Out upon thee base Girl, would you marry a Tapster?

Sprightly

Why Sir, a Tapster is as good as a piss-pot emptier; besides,
they say you have done the fellow wrong: for she (they say) was his by promise,
and if Conscience hath right, he ought to have her; and perhaps, did
not Ambition come in the way, Affection might prevail: wherefore to gratifie
him, you ought in justice to bestow me upon him.

Widower

Well, because you shall not marry my Butler, I will not marry
your Maid: for the truth is, I never had so low a thought. But let me tell
you, it is in the way of disobedience to question a Fathers Actions, and a
presumption for a Child to think their Father is not wise enough to govern
himself; besides, Children were ingrateful to Parents, to desire that from
them, which they cannot, or will not keep to themselves, as neither to suffer
a Father to marry, or keep a Mistress: Do Children think a Father is bound
to so many Children, and no more?

Sprightly

Sir, I dare answer for the part of Children, that they would be
well content that their Father should have Mistrisses, but they would be unwilling
and griev’d that their Fathers should be their Mistrisses slave, whereby
they incaptivate their Children, or ruine their Estates.

Widower

Well then inquire no more after any Mistris I shall have, until
you are incaptivated.

Finis.

Zzzzz1r

The Actors Names.

Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his wife.

Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his wife.

Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealousie his Wife.

Sir Humphrey Disagree, and the Lady Disagree his Wife.

Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his Wife.

Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his wife.

Sir Francis Inconstant, and the Lady Inconstant his wife.

Monsieur Amorous.

The Lady Procurer.

Monsieur Disguise

Mistris Single, sister to the Lady Jealousie.

Master Make-peace, Sir Humphrey Disagree’s Friend.

Master Perswader, the Lady Disagree’s Chaplin.

Nan Lightheel, and and Many other Maid-Servants of the several Ladies.

Roger Trusty, man to Sir William Lovewel, and other men-serservants
of his,
and the rest of the Knights.

Raillery Jester, the Lady Jealousies Fool.

Zzzzz The Zzzzz1v

The
Second Part of the Play
Called the
Matrimonial Trouble
A
Come-Tragedy.

Act I.

Scene. I.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Sir Henry Sage.

Lady Procurer

Sir Henry, by reason my Lady is gone abroad, I
make bold to visit you.

Sage

I perceive I am oblig’d to my Wifes absence for your
Visit, Madam.

Procurer

’Faith, to tell you the truth, we women had rather
visit men when they are alone, than when they have
company.

Sage

Then men and women agree better with particular, than with the
general.

Procurer

They do so, yet they love varietyes best.

Sage

That’s natural, for the Senses to delight in variety.

Procurer

It is so, and yet our Civil and Divine Laws have forbid the use
of Varieties, which (me thinks) is very unconscionable and unnatural.

Sage

But if some of the natural Appetites and Actions were not restrain’d
by Laws, no Comman-wealth could subsist.

Procurer

How did the Lacedemonians subsist? they liv’d all in common;
and had not all Greece been imbroyl’d with Wars, their Common-wealth
might have lasted to this day.

Sage

The Lacedemonians had stricter Lawes than the Common-wealth
which we live in, and are of: for though they gave more liberty and freedom
to some Actions than our Governments do, yet they were stricter in others;
and breakers of their Lawes were more severely punish’d, even in
the smallest breach, than the breakers of our Laws are almost in the greatest
breach.

Procurer

I am sure the Maker of the Lacedemonian Laws was a wise man, and Zzzzz2r 459
and a kind-hearted man, in Decreeing for the Increase of Mankinod, yet by
some of his Laws he seem’d but a Sloven: for he banish’d all curidosity and
neatness, and I believe, many conveniences: Also he seem’d to be a man of
a weak stomach,

Sage

He rather seem’d of a strong stomach, and a greedy appetite, by the
course diet he brought men to live with; but (for my part) If I should judge
of the Lacedemonians Laws, I should judge that they strove to bring men to
be like beasts, rather than to make them like as Gods, which men should
strive to be.

Procurer

By your favour Sir, there can be no Law that can keep men from being
horned beasts.

Sage

Whose fault is that, Madam? not mens which make the Laws, but
womens that break the Laws.

Procurer

It is mens fault, for giving women such liberty: And let me tell
you Sir, women are such subtil creatures, as they strive first to get an honourable
esteem from their Friends and Husbands, and a belief of their Chastity;
and when they have secured mens jealousies, they make their Husbands
Cuckolds, which all their Neighbours perceive, although the Husband
is blind and muffl’d with affection.

Sage,.

Madam, your Sex deserve a better Character than you give of them:
for by your description there are few chaste.

Procurer

Every woman knows the humours of her own Sex better than
men know the humours of one another: wherefore let me advise you, Sir
Henry Sage
, to watch my Lady your Wife: for many, to my knowledge,
seek for to corrupt her.

Sage

Madam, although she is one of your Sex, yet she is of an Angelical
nature, and not corruptible.

Procurer

Sir, I am your humble servant, and I wish your Angel may not
fall from Virtue into Vice.

Sage

I have no jealous doubt, Madam.

Procurer

I wonder at it: for wise men use to doubt.

He leads her forth. Exeunt.

Scene 2.

Enter Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealousie.

Courtly

Wife, I have given you warning twice, beware of the third
time, that you receive no Masculine Visiters: for by Heaven, if you
do, I will hang you up in my garters.

Jealousie

Do if you dare, I will have those that shall cut your throat.

Courtly

You could not fright me with your Champions, were I a coward:
for they are Carpet-Knights, and dare not fight.

Jealousie

They dare more than you dare.

Sir Edward Courtly takes off a garter, or some
other string or ribband about his cloaths, and
makes her believe he will strangle her.
Zzzzz2 Courtly Zzzzz2v 460

Courtly

By Heaven I’ll give an Example to all men that love their Honour,
and hate to be Cuckolds.

He takes the string, and offers to put it about
her neck. She is afraid.

Jealousie

O Husband, Husband, spare me, spare me.

Courtly

Wife, you may make me a Fool, but not unman me; you may
flatter me, but not frighten me; you may make me commit an indiscretion,
but never to be Effeminate.

Jealousie

O mercy, mercy, Husband, do but spare me this time, and I
will be the best wife in the World.

Courtly

Well, I will pardon you this time; and know, Wife, that
though I am willing to part with my Breeches and Doublet to give them you,
yet I will never part with my Sword and my Spurs, which is my Courage and
my Management: And I will give you all liberty in Vanity, but not in Dishonesty;
you shall keep the Purse, but not manage the Horse: Also let me
tell you, that it is not enough to be honest, but you must give no suspicion to
the contrary.

Exeunt.

Scene. 3.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and the Lady Wanton.

Lady Procurer

Come, Come Madam, are you ready? for Monsieur Amorous
hath provided a great and costly Banquet for you.

Wanton

I am ready, I did only stay for you to go along with me.

Procurer

But will not your Husband watch whither we go?

Wanton

O no: for he believes I am going to the Lady Breeders Upsitting.

Procurer

That’s well bhe is so credulous to believe so easily whatsoever
you would have him believe, and if he be but as obstinate of belief of that
you would not have him believe you are happy, for let me tell you, that all
men hath not that spiritual gift of Faith, but have strange opinions, and
full of doubts, and suspitions.

Wanton

Nay, I thank Jove, I have as good a Husband, as any woman
whatsoever hath.

Procurer

Prethee Madam leave some thanks for your loving servant,
which loves, and adores you more than he doth Heaven, and worships you
as his only Goddess.

Wanton

He shall not pray in vain, nor shall I be as an Idoll made of
Stone, or Brass.

Procurer

Come your wayes then.

Exeunt.
Scene. Aaaaaa1r 461

Scene 4.

Enter Monsieur Disguise alone.

Monsieur Disguise

O man! O man! inconstant man! false and perjurious
man! flattering dissembling man! and the worst of Mankind is
Sir Francis Inconstant! He hath not only forsaken me, but forgot me, drowning
the memory of me in his superfluous Cups. O Pluto, from whence all
wickedness proceeds, make his fair Bride as false to him, as he hath prov’d
to me, and fill his mind with furious Jealousie.

Exit.

Scene 5.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, as at her Husband Sir William
Lovewells
Closet-door; she knocks at the door.

Lovewel

Who’s there?

Hypocon

’Tis I, Husband.

She enters.

Lovewel

I may bid you welcome, Wife: for you are a stranger here.

Hypocon

Truly Husband, I should not have disturb’d you, but that I was
afraid you were not well: for I came two or three times to the door,
and heard no noise, which made me afraid you might be in a swoun, or
dead.

Lovewell

I thank you for your loving fear and care of me.

Hypocon

You may think this is an over-fond humour in me; but I have
heard of many that have been found dead in their Beds, and in their Closets,
when as their Friends never mistrusted it, but thought they were asleep, or
at study, which if they had been found or known in time, they might have
been recover’d.

Lovewell

You say true Wife.

Hypocondria

But now I know you are well, I will not disturb you any
longer.

Lovewell

I will bear your kindness company.

Exeunt.
Aaaaaa Scene Aaaaaa1v 462

Scene 6.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chastity his Wife.

Sage

Wife, thou art false.

Chastity

’Tis strange to hear you say so, when but yesterday you made
me such protestations of your Faith, believing I was Virtuous, Chaste, and
full of Truth, which I did think Time had not power to alter your belief,
and such Vows and Protestations of your Affections to me, as if the fire of
Love within your heart did burn so clear, and flame so high, as nought could
quench it out but Death’s cold damps, yet not so much, but still a heat within
the ashes would remain.

Sage

I confess, Wife, my doubts of Love did make me to try, at least to
say so to you.

Chastity

True Love never makes doubts; and though you can dissemble
with me, I cannot dissemble with you, could the Gods command me, as
they cannot, things unjust.

Sage

I perceive you are angry, Wife.

Chastity

No truly Husband, I am rather griev’d than angry, to think my
honest truth mistrusted: for Doubts are unjust to great Affections,
true Love, and good Intentions; and Examinations are scandalous to a strict
chaste life, and makes it seem as criminal: but could the World lay falshood
to your charge, and should condemn you, yet my Affections would set
you free, and rather tax my self for want of Merit to deserve your Love, than
you want love to give Desert.

Sage

Prethee Wife be not griev’d nor angry, for ’tis natural for Love to
be suspicious: wherefore pray forgive my doubts.

Chastity

My nature is to forgive, and not to bear a grudge or spleen in
minde.

Sage

Then we are friends again.

Chastity

My love is still the same, not to be alter’d.

Exeunt.

Scene 7.

Enter Mistris Single, the Lady Jealousies sister, and Raillery
Jester
the Fool.

Mistris Single

Fool, How many degrees is there in Understanding?

Jester

Three.

Single

Distinguish them.

Jester

There is Cœlestial Understanding, a Terrestial Understanding,
and an Understanding betwixt both, as an Airestial Understanding: Those
that are Cœlestial, are wise men; those that are Terrestrial, are fools; and
those that are betwixt both, as Airestial, are half-witted men.

Single

I thought you would have said that those that were Terrestrial,
were beasts.

Jester Aaaaaa2r 463

Jester

O no: for beasts are one degree above wise men, two degrees above
half-witted men, and three degrees above fools.

Single

But how will you make that good, that beasts are wiser than
wise men?

Jester

By all their actions: for beasts (for the most part) are more industrious,
prudent, temperate, and peaceable, than the best of men; neither
do they trouble their heads, nor break their sleeps, about the trifles of the
World, but govern their Affairs easily, and live orderly, every several kind
agreeing amongst themselves; besides, we are taught to imitate the Serpent
and the Dove, and Examples are Principles, and the Original is to be
preferr’d before the Copy, the Sample before the Pattern. Thus a Beast is
preferr’d before a Wise man, by reason all Men must learn of Beasts to be
wise, and of Birds to be virtuously honest, as to be harmless.

Exeunt.

Scene 8.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and her Maid Joan.

Maid Joan

Certainly Madam, you will starve your self with eating so
little.

Hypocon

Why a little serves Nature.

Joan

Yes; but there are great differences betwixt Natures: for mankind
requires more food than some kind of beasts or birds; for a man would be
starv’d, if he should eat no more than a Dormouse, or a Camelion, or a
Sparrow.

Hypocon

But a Sparrow cannot eat so much as an Eagle, nor an Eagle so
much as an Estrich: Likewise, as it is with Bird-kind, so it is with Mankind,
some would starve with that proportion another would surfet on.

Joan

But surely there are none that could surfet with your diet, as with
Water and Air, nay (most commonly) nothing but Air, Camelion-like: for
you oft-times for a week together neither eat bit, nor drink a drop; and that
which makes me wonder more, is, that you naturally have a very good stomach,
and can eat, when you please, very heartily, and it thrives well with
you; but my greater wonder is, that when you do fast, eating now and then
a bit, week after week, nay moneth after moneth, yet you are not so lean, as
to appear a Skeleton, nor so weak, but you can walk two hours without resting,
or being very weary.

Hypocon

Oh Custome is a second Nature, Joan.

Joan

I would have your Ladyship accustome your self to live without
eating, and then you will be set in a Chronicle.

Hypocon

Who would strive for that, since most think Chronologers are
Artificers, and that their Chronicles are false.

Joan

Why some will believe it; and it were better to live in the memory
of a few, than to die to all memory, and to live by nothing.

Hypocon

I would have my Fame live only by singular and transcending
Merits, not by singular and melancholy Follies. I know my Errors, though
I cannot mend my Faults.

Exeunt.
Aaaaaa2 Act Aaaaaa2v 464

Act II.

Scene 9.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and the Lady Wanton.

Procurer

Well Madam, you are to give me thanks for bringing you acquainted
with Monsieur Amorous: for he is as fine a Gentleman as any
our Nation hath.

Wanton

Indeed he is the most obligingst person as ever I met with; but
pray Madam, what said he of me?

Procurer

O he raves in your praise: He says you are the finest, sweetest,
fairest and kindest Lady that ever was: but did not your Husband examine
you when you came home?

Wanton

No ’faith, not much, some slight questions he ask’d; but come
into my Chamber, and there let us discourse of Monsieur Amorous.

Exeunt.

Scene 10.

Enter the Lady Jealousie, beating her Maid Nan.

Jealousie

I will make you humbler than to give me such unmannerly
words. What had you to do in my Husbands, your Masters Chamber?

Nan

I went to speak with Tom my Masters barber.

Jealousie

What had you to do with your Masters barber? I am sure you
had no use for him; but I will beat you so, as you shall not be able to stir,
much less to go frisking into your Masters Chamber so often as you do.

Falls a beating her again: Nan runs crying from her
Lady, her Lady follows her. Enters Raillery Jester
the Fool.

Fool

What a Volly of words their gun-powder breath, and the fire-lock
of their anger hath shot into my Ears, giving me no warning to baracade
them up, but hath surprized my brain by their sudden assault, and hath
blown up the Magazines of my Contemplations; but all creatures love to
make a noise, beasts vocally, men verbally, and some actually in boysterous
deeds.

Enter Mistris Single.

Single

How now Fool, what’s the matter?

Fool

Why this is the matter fool, thy Sister fool hath beaten her Maid
fool, for kissing her Master fool.

Single

For kissing her Masters fool, say you?

Fool Bbbbbb1r 465

Fool

Nay, by’r Lady, if she had done so, she had been wise: for if she
had kiss’d me, she had not been beaten; but she did not kiss me, Ergo she’s
a fool.

Exeunt.

Scene. 11.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and Sir William Lovewell
her Husband.

Hypocondria

Husband, why seem you so sad?

Lovewel

My love to you makes me sad.

Hypocondria

To me? Heaven bless me, what do you see in me to make
you sad?

Lovewel

Why for these passions and frights that you fall into, like one in
an Epilepsie, and now you look as pale, as if you were ready to fall down
dead.

Hypocon

Alas Husband, consider it is a timorous effect of Love, which
is to be pardon’d, since it proceeds from the kindness I have to my Friends;
it is honourable to the World, and no dishonour to you, but only troublesome
to my self, and to those I naturally love, as Husband, Children, Father,
Mother, Brothers, and Sisters: And though fond Love and vain Fears may
be produced from the melancholy Spleen, yet those fears that proceed from
my firm, true, and honest Affection, are created in the Soul: for noble,
and honourable, and honest Fears, are the natural Issues of pure Love.

Lovewel

But Reason, the chief Magistrate of the Soul, and Governour of
the Passions, should temper the Excess.

Hypocon

O Husband, when Love comes to be temper’d, it loses or quits
the essential part, and the vertical strength: for true Love is pure like gold,
which is debased with an allay.

Lovewel

But as Allay makes gold work better for use, so Temperance
makes Love happy for life.

Hypocon

Well Husband, I will strive to love with Discretion.

Lovewel,

Pray do, and goe abroad, to divert your melancholy, and eat
as others do, that my have good meat and drink, and not live by the Air,
as you do.

Hypocon

I shall obey you.

Exeunt.

Scene 12.

Enter the Lady Inconstant alone.

Lady Inconstant

O Cupid, thou art a cruel Tyrant, making more wounds
than remedies! And I am wounded so, as I am sick with Love, and Bbbbbb can- Bbbbbb1v 466
cannot live unless I am belov’d again.

To make my Passions know, is all my care,

Lest he should love me not, is all my fear.

Exeunt.

Scene. 13.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Sir Thomas Cuckold.

Lady Procurer

Sir Thomas Cuckold, Monsieur Amorous desires very much
to make friendship with you: for he is so taken with your Civilities, and
your courteous Demeanors when he was to visit you, that he swears you are
one of the finest Gentlemen in the Kingdome: He says you are so gravely
wise, so hospitably kind, and so generously free, as he honours you, and loves
you with his soul.

Cuckold

I am his very humble Servant, and shall be glad, nay proud of
such a worthy Friend as Monsieur Amorous.

Procurer

Have you returned his Visit?

Cuckold

No; but I’ll go wait upon him immediatly.

Exeunt.

Scene 14.

Enter Nan the Lady Jealousies Maid, going through the room crying,
and the Fool following her singing.

Fool

Childrens eyes are always flowing,

Womens tongues are always going,

And mens brains are always musing,

And mens natures all abusing,

And mans life is always running,

And mans death is always comming.

Enter Mistris Single.

Single

Whose death is comming?

Fool

Yours for any thing I know: wherefore take heed; for let me tell
you; Death is a rough fellow: for he pulls the soul out of the body, as a
Barber-Chirurgeon doth a tooth, sometimes with less pain, sometimes with
more; but many times Death is forc’d to tear the body, as a Tooth-drawer
tears the jaw-bone, before he can get it out.

Single

What Instruments doth Death draw out the Soul with?

Fool

Sickness, Wounds, Passions, Accidents, and the like.

Single

But how came Death and you so well acquainted?

Fool

We are near a-Kin: for Death and Ignorance are Cousin-Germans.

Single Bbbbbb2r 467

Single

’Faith thou art rather a Knave than a Fool, and a Knave is nearer
a-kin to Life than Death.

Exeunt.

Scene 15.

Enter the Lady Disagree, and her Chaplin Master Perswader.

Disagree

Well, I am resolv’d to be Divorced from my Husband, for
I cannot endure his tyranny any longer: for he will let me have my
will in nothing, crosses and contradicts me in every thing.

Perswader

Madam, we are taught to obey and humble our selves to our
Superiours, and the Husband is the Master of his Family, the Governour of
his Estate, and Ruler and Disposer of his Children, the Guide and Protector
of his Wife.

Disagree

Yes, he protects me well indeed, when he breaks my head.

Perswader

May be your Ladyship doth provoke him with some unkind
words.

Disagree

What unkind words were they? I only said that Goos-
quils made the best pens to write with, and he said no, that Crows-quils were
better for that purpose: ’tis true, at last I returned as bad words as he flung
at me.

Perswader

Truly Madam, it is a great grief to your friends and servants,
to see yoo live so disquietous together; besides, you torment your selves with
your own anger.

Disagree

That’s the reason I would part: for I will never be a slave to his
humour, I will rather chuse to die first.

Exeunt.

Scene 16.

Enter Sir Humphrey Disagree, and Master Makepeace
his Friend.

Sir Hum. Disagree.

It were better we were parted, than to live in a perpetual
war together.

Makepeace

But Sir, is it not possible to temper your Passion?

Disagree

No truly: for her words are so sharp, and pierce so deep, that
they make me as furious as a wilde Boar that is hurt with a Javelin: And
since she cannot temper her Tongue, nor I temper my Passion, it will be best
for us to live asunder: for absence is the best and most certain remedy I can
think of.

Bbbbbb2 Scene Bbbbbb2v 468

Scene 17.

Enter two Serving-men of Sir William Lovewels.

1 Servant

Have not you heard that my Master hath had a Quarrel, and
is wounded?

2 Servant

Yes; and ’tis said he fought so valiantly, as he beat half a dozen
lusty men, and followed them so close, as they were forc’d to take
shelter; and I have also heard, that one of them he beat, swears to be revenged.

1 Servant

But if my Lady hears of it, she will run mad, or die.

2 Servant

O no, my Lady (Joan says) hath left those follies, and is become
discreet.

1 Servant

Discreet? what is that? to be ill-natur’d, as not to care if her
Husband or Friends be kill’d?

2 Servant

O yes, so much to care, as to pity them, and be sorry, nay sad,
if they should be kill’d; but not passionately to drown themselves in tears,
or to let their grief feed on their life, and die.

Exeunt.

Scene 18.

Enter Monsieur Amorous and Sir Thomas Cuckold: They meet
each other, and imbrace as two dear Friends.

Cuckold

O my sweet Amorous!

Amorous

O my dear Cuckold, the delight of my Life!

Cuckold

’Faith Amorous I have been to seek you all the Town over, and
my Lady Procurer met me, and sent me to the other end of the City, telling
me you were at the Horn-Tavern.

Amorous

Why do you not know her humour? she will serve you twenty
such tricks: for she is the veriest Wag in all the Town, although she is
in years.

Cuckold

Well, if I be not even with her, as very a Wag as she is, let me
be condemn’d for a fool.

Exeunt.
Act Cccccc1r 469

Act III.

Scene 19.

Enter a Maid as to her Lady, the Lady Hypocondria.

Maid

O Madam, my Master is comming home, being wounded in a
Duel.

The Lady swouns.

Maid

Help, help, my Lady, my Lady.

Enter Joan her Maid.

Joan

What’s the matter?

Maid

My Lady is kill’d with the report of my Masters being hurt.

Joan

It were fit you should be punish’d for telling her of it.

They raise the Lady, and bow her forward: She
revives, but with a groan.
Lady groans,

Lady Hypocondria[Speaker label not present in original source]

Oh, oh.

Joan

Take life again: for my Master is not so much hurt, as to be in danger
of Death.

Hypocon

Do you speak this as a known truth, or for to recover me?

Joan

As a truth upon my Conscience, Madam.

Hypocon

Then I charge you do not discover my Passion.

Joan

We shall not.

Exeunt.

Scene 20.

Enter Sir William Lovewell, and two of his men, and his
Man Roger Trusty.

Lovewell

Go, and give charge to my Footmen, that none of them run
home to tell my Wife of my hurt, for fear of frighting her: for if she
hears I am hurt before she sees me, she will apprehend me worse than I am,
and that may kill her.

Servant

Sir, she hath heard of it already.

Lovewel

Rogue that he was that told her: who was it?

Roger Trusty

It was I Sir, when I want to fetch your Leaguer-cloak to
keep you warm.

Lovewel

Villain, I’ll run you through.

Trusty

What you please Sir; but my Lady takes it very patiently: for Cccccc when Cccccc1v 470
when she heard of it, she was playing on the Lute, and did not leave playing
at the report.

Lovewel

I am glad she is so discreet.

Trusty

Truly Sir I think my Lady is now one of the wisest and discreetest
Ladies in the Town.

Lovewel

What, for playing the Lute?

Trusty

No Sir; but for being so patient and temperate, as all wise persons
are, who bear afflictions with that Moral Philosophical Carelesness, and
(as they call it) passive Courage, composing their Faces into a Grave, surly
Countenance, fashioning their Behaviour with Formality, walking with a
slow and stately Pace, speaking nothing but Wise Sentences, and Learned
Morals.

Lovewel

You are a moral Ass; and although my wounds are but small,
yet I grow faint with standing to hear a fool talk.

Exeunt.

Scene 21.

Enter the Lady Inconstant, and Monsieur Disguise.

Lady Inconst

Sir, I believe you may wonder, and think it strange, that a
woman can love a stranger so soon and so much.

Disguise

I doe not think it strange in Nature, but I think it strange you
should affect me, a person which is no way worthy of your Favour and your
Love, unless you (like a Deity) humbly descend to mortals, accepting of
their Adorations and Offerings: And, as a mortal to a Deity, I offer up my
Heart on the Altar of your Obligations.

Inconstant

Here I do vow to Venus, not only to offer you my person, and
all delights that it can yield, but I offer you my Honour, my Fathers Honour,
my Husbands Honour, nay their lives, if you require it.

Disguise

I must confess your Husbands life is dangerous, for we cannot
well enjoy our loves with safety, if that your Husband lives.

Inconstant

Name but the way unto his Death, and I will execute it.

Disguise

I cannot; for you must do it as you find Fortune gives you opportunity.

Inconstant

Farewel and believe, I shall let no opportunity slip, that might
bring my designs to pass.

The Lady Inconstant goes out. Monsieur Disguise alone.

Disguise

My revenge is too big for words, all actions to little for his punishment:
wherefore you furies, I invoke you to assist me, and if Hell gives
me not help, Heaven or Death give me ease.

Exit.
Scene Cccccc2r 471

Scene 22.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Monsieur Amorous.

Lady Procurer

Now Monsieur Amorous, you and the Lady Wanton shall
not need to make so many excuses to meet, for your going into the
Country, with Sir Thomas Cuckold, you will be always in the House with his
Lady.

Amorous

Faith, I have a great deal of business in the City, which may
suffer, if I should go out of the Town.

Procurer

Out upon you, make excuses already.

Amorous

I do not make excuses, I only tell you the truth of my affairs.

Procurer

Can you have any affairs greater, or of more concernment, than
waiting on a Mistriss, and such a Mistriss as you were a dying for to enjoy, but
a little time since? well go thy ways Monsieur Amorous, for thou art like a
woman that hath fits of the Mother, often swouning and sick, but never dyes
in any of them.

Amourous

The Lady Chastity would be like a draught of cold water, to
bring me to life again.

Procurer

Let me tell thee, as those fits will never kill thee, so all the Chastity
in the Town can never cure thee.

Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and Joan her Maid.

Lady Hypocondria

Pray Juno, my Husband doth not perceive I have
cry’d.

Joan

You need not fear it, for the hot Cloath you laid to your eyes hath
sok’d out the redness, and abated the swelling thereof; but I doubt you will
cry when you see him.

Hypocondria

I hope I shall be wiser, than to cry; for I would not have
my Husband think me a Fool, or troublesome, for the world.

Joan

But surely Madam, you must needs torment your Soul, to strive so
much against nature.

Hypocondria

Love had rather torment it self, then torment what it
loves.

Joan

Your Ladyship will make the old Proverb good, which sayes, “love
overcomes all things, and surely it overcomes all when it overcomes nature
it self.”

Exeunt.
Cccccc2 Scene Cccccc2v 472

Scene 24.

Enter the Lady Jealousy, and the Fool.

Lady Jealousy

Prethy Fool watch thy Master, and my Maid Nan, and
when they are together give notice, and I will give thee a new Coat.

Fool

I shall stand Sentinel, and give the watch-word.

The Lady Jealousy goes out. The Fool alone.

Fool

Most Creatures their tails lyes in their heads, or their heads lyes in
their Neighbours tayles, nose to breech; for they are always thinking therof,
which makes their thoughts as sluts and slovens, their brains like to a heapt-
up Dunghil; but I must watch, my Master and his Maid to catch.

Exeunt.

Scene 25.

Enter Master Makepeace, and Master Perswader, friend and
Chaplain to Sir Humphrey Disagree.

Master Makepeace

’Tis strange, that Sir Humphrey Disagree, and his
Lady, cannot agree, yet they are both of good natures, and generous
Souls; keep a noble House, and are bountifull to their Servants, kind and
courteous to their Friends, and he a very understanding Gentleman, and a
learned Scholar, and an honest Man.

Perswader

And she is a very Chast Lady, a good Huswife, and very orderly
in her House, as concerning what she is to take care of, or to direct,
and is very pious and devout, and yet both to be so indiscreet as to fall out
about light toys, and frivolous matters.

Makepeace

’Tis strange, and truly great pitty; wherefore, we ought to
do our indeavour, to try if we can make them friends.

Perswader

Surely that might be easily done; for they are as apt, and
as soon friends when their anger’s over, as they are apt to fall out when they
are friends, and I make no doubt to make them friends; but the business is
to keep them friends, and the question is, whether it were not better they
should be parted friends, than present enemies.

Makepeace

Yet we have discharged our parts, if we make or do our indeavour
to make them friends.

Perswader

Well Sir, perswade the Husband, and I will try to perswade
the Wife.

Exeunt.
Scene Dddddd1r 473

Scene 26.

Enter Monsieur Disguise, and Sir Francis Inconstant.

Sir Francis Inconstant

Sir, you do amaze me; for I have not been so long
married as to give her time for Incontinency, nor have I been so ill a Husband
as yet, as to create, or beget her hate towards me.

Disguise

Sir, if I do not prove it, I shall be content to suffer the heaviest
punishment you can inflict upon me; and because your belief is wavering,
I will place you, where you shall hear her declare her intentions, as towards
your Death.

Inconstant

I long to prove the Truth.

Exeunt.

Scene. 27.

Enter the Lady Wanton, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Wanton

Prethy my Lady Procurer, go into the Country with us,
since we shall have such good Company this Summer, as Monsieur
Amorous
, we will be so merry, and have such sports and pastimes, as you
shall not repent your journey.

Procurer

Faith Madam I cannot; besides, you have no use of me
now.

Wanton

I am not as many others are, that when they can make no more
use of a friend, they strive to shun their Company.

Procurer

Well, if I can go with you I will; but I doubt I cannot, at lest
I cannot stay above a week, or such a time with you.

Wanton

Nay, if I once get you there, I will make you stay.

Exeunt.

Scene 28.

Enter Mistriss Single alone.

Mistriss Single

What a troublesome life is a Married life, bless me
Heaven, who would Marry?

Enter Raillery Jester at her last words.

Fool

That would you if you could get a Huusband; for Maids long to
be Wives, and Wives longs to be Widows, that they might Marry
again.

Single

That is, because Maids do not know the vexations of Marriage,
which Wives do.

Dddddd Fool. Dddddd1v 474

Fool

Faith Women take a pleasure in being vext, crost, and injured;
for then they have a ground for their anger, and revenge is the sweetest, and
dearest imployment they have, or would wish to have; otherwise, they
would be dull, and idle without it; and to prove it, Widows are as earnest,
and industrious to Marry as Maids, and all is, because they would be vext
and crost

Single

And are not men as desirous, and hasty to Marry as Women?

Fool

Yes, those that are Fools.

Single

Why then you should marry, if any Woman would have you.

Fool

Such Fools as I, never, or very seldom Marry, for though we are
Christened Fools, we were Born Wise (where other men were Born Fools,
but Christened Wise) as bearing the name of Wise and understanding
Men, so as they have only the name, but not the wisdome; the Truth is, we
Fool, and other men are fool’d.

Single

Then Women are Born Wise, for they Fool Men.

Fool

Nay faith, poor Souls, they are for the most part double fool’d;
first, thinking they fool, and then in being fooled.

Enter a Maid of the Lady Jealousy’s.

Maid

Mistriss, my Lady is very angry, that you let your Lute-Master stay,
whilst you talk to the fool; she says you will be as much a fool as he, with
talking so often with him.

Single

Tell my Sister, I shall learn more good from the fool, than the
fidler.

Fool

Mark you that Maid.

Maid

I mark that Children and Fools keep company together.

Fools

And the Maids and the Master.

Exeunt.

Act IV.

Scene 29.

Enter two Maids of the Lady Hypocondria.

1 Maid

Alas my poor Lady looks as if she would drop to the earth,
so pale and ill.

2 Maid

How should she be otherwise, for she smothers in her grief, and
dares not discover it, and then she seldom sleeps, or eats, or drinks: and
is so restless, as she cannot sit still, but walks about her Chamber.

Exeunt.
Scene Dddddd2r 475

Scene 30.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and a Doctor.

Lady Hypocondria

O Master Doctor, what do you think of my Husband,
I hope he is in no danger, is he?

Doctor

I dare assure you Madam, he will be very well again; for he is
only weak and faint with loss of blood: for he taking the wound to be slight,
did not take care to stop it soon enough, whereupon his Spirits with his
blood issued out so much, as makes him so weak, as you see he is forc’d to
keep his Bed.

Hypocondria

But Doctor, Spirits is life, and if he wants the one, he must
soon lose the other.

Doctor

’Tis true, if there were no Spirits left: but let me tell you Madam,
there is more danger when the Body hath too many Spirits, that when there
is but a few; for many Spirits make the Body too hot, by giving the Pulse
too quick a motion; which quick motion, fires the heart so much, as the
blood becomes boyling hot; which Perboyls the Liver, and the rest of the
vital parts, and melts the fat, wastes the flesh, and weakens the Sinnews, or
Nerves, as being boyled as to a soft, tender, quaking Jelly: that is the cause
that the Sick is so weak they cannot stand, having not that tough strength in
their Sickness, and some after their sickness; and shall continue weak, untill
such time as the Sinnews, and Nerves grow harder, and tough again; and
many times from the boyling blood there arises such gross, and so many
Vapours, which Vapours is Smoak, as they stiflle the life, or at least disquiet
the Brain.

Hypocondria

But will you assure me Doctor?

Doctor

As far as Human skill can assure you I will.

The Doctor goes out. The Lady Hypocondria alone.

Hypocondria

Fair Juno hear me, send to thy Brother Pluto, to imprison
Death in his dark Vault, or at least for to forbid him to touch my Husband;
and fair Goddess, send health to raise his weary limbs from off his hated
Couch, if not, give order to grim Death to strike me too; for thou hast
power on all, as being chief in power.

Enter her Maid.

Maid

Madam, my Master desires you would be pleased to come
to him.

Exeunt.
Dddddd2 Scene Dddddd2v 476

Scene 31.

Enter Monsieur Disguise alone.

Monsieur Disguise

I will not only make me a Garland, but a Bower of
Willow, where I will sit and lament all forsaken Lovers; nay, I will
sit and Curse so long, till I have laid those Curses so thick together, as neither
sighs, nor tears, nor prayers, shall dissolve them.

Exit.

Scene 32.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Monsieur Amorous.

Lady Procurer

I am come to bring you good news, Monsieur Amorous.

Amorous

What is that my comfortable Lady?

Procurer

The Lady Wanton is come to Town.

Amorous

Pluto.

Procurer

What do you swear, because she is come to Town?

Amorous

No I swear, because I must go out of Town.

Procurer

I hope you will not go out of the Town, now that she is come
to town.

Amorous

Alas my occasions are such, as I shall be utterly ruined if
I stay.

Procurer

Then let me tell you, the Lady Chastity begins to listen to
your Sute.

Amorous

And is there hopes I shall enjoy her?

Procurer

I cannot tell.

Amorous

Nay Dear Lady, speak some comfort?

Procurer

It is a folly, if you must go into the Country.

Amorous

Neptune shall swallow the Country, rather than I will endanger
to lose a Paradise.

Procurer

But if you stay, you will be ruined.

Amorous

I rather shall be ruined if I go, for now I have consdered it; I
find, I have such potent affairs here in the City, as they will force
me to stay.

Procurer

O Jupiter! how Inconstant is Mankind; for what they have
enjoyed they despise, and what they cannot get, they earnestly desire, and are
restless in their pursute.

Amorous

What say you?

Procurer

I say you are an unthankfull Man, and not worthy of a Ladyes
favour, as to forsake her that loves you, and seek her that hates you; for
know, the Lady Chastity scorns your Sute, despises your Person, and hates
your Humour.

Amorous

Pluto take all your sex.

Procurer

If he should, you would whiningly follow them to Hell, rather than Eeeeee1r 477
than miss their Company, refusing Heaven, for effeminate Society.

Amorous

They torment men more than Devils do.

Exeunt.

Scene 33.

Enter Master Makepeace, and Master Perswader.

Master Makepeace

Now Sir Humphrey Disagree and his Lady are made
good friends, they are become a loving Couple.

Perswader

Heaven keep them so.

Makepeace

Truly I begin to believe they will; for they seem very sensible
of their errors, and they laugh at their one follies, to see, what ridiculous,
frivolous, and small matters, their quarels are built with, and upon.

Exeunt. Enter Sir Humphrey Disagree, and his Lady.

Sir Humphrey Disagree

Look you Wife, here is the Priest that hath new
married us, and our friend that hath joyned us in a loving friendship
again.

Lady Disagree

And I will celebrate this Union with a Feast, to which, I
will invite my good friends as to my wedding day.

Humphrey Disagree

I perceive we shall be merry, pray let us have Fidlers,
and Dance.

Lady Disagree

That we will.

Exeunt.

Scene 34.

Enter Sir William Lovewell upon a Couch, as being
weak, and his Lady following him.

Sir William Lovewell

Come, come Wife, you are not so kind as you
were wont to be; for you did use to watch my looks, my sleep, and
how I fetcht my breath in my sleep, and what I did eat, and how much I did
eat, for fear I should be sick, and no help unsought to cure me: But I perceive
you are as all other women are, inconstant; for now you do neglect me, and
seldom come near me but when I send for you.

Hypocondria

I dare not, for fear my diligence may prove loves indiscretion,
and so my service become a burthensome trouble.

Eeeeee Enter Eeeeee1v 478 Enter one of the Men Sir William fought with, and beat, with a Pistol in his hand,
the Lady Hypocondria sees him, and on the sudden runs to the Man, and snatches
the Pistol out of his hand, the whilst the Man was in amaze at it, She Shoots
him with his own Pistol, the noise of the Pistol brings in the Servants.

Hypocondria

You Cowardly Rogue, do you take the advantage of sickness
to work your revenge, do you come when my Husband is not able to
defend himself?

The Man falls, and sayes, Man[Speaker label not present in original source] O I am kill’d.

Hypocondria

Kill’d? if you had a thousand lives, my single life would kill
them all, rather than suffer my Husband to be murdered.

The Servants all the while stand at a distance,
as being all afrighted.

Hypocondria

You Company of dull dead statues, move for shame, and
bear away this Villain, this murderous Villain.

Servants

Where should we carry him Madam?

Hypocondria

Why any where, cast him into a Ditch, there let him ly
and rot, like Beasts without Burial.

The mean while Sir William Lovewell
having recovered his breath, which was
spent in striving to get up from his
Couch, but being very weak he could not.

Lovewell

Carry him to a Justcice, and bid the Justice dispose of him as he
thinks fit, telling him of his crime.

Servants

Let us search him, to see if he hath never another Pistol.

Lovewell

Go you Cowards, and carry him away. The Servants and Man goes out.
O this effeminate sickness hath disgraced me; O how like a worm a sick
man is, which lyes so low, and is so shiftless, that any beast treads out
his life?

Hypocondria

Why, had you been in health and strength, it would have
been no Honour to beat a Coward.

Lovewell

He seem’d not such a Coward, but that he had some courage, or
otherwise he would not have adventur’d himself alone into a House, wherein
were many persons, which would have been his Enemies; but I am glad that
you have the honour of his wounds, but is is a miracle to me, to see how
valiantly you did behave your self, and yet by nature is so fearfull.

Hypocondria

Mistake not Love; for true Love is only a fraid when it
cannot help, but when it hath hopes to rescue what it loves, Mars is not
Valianter.

Lovewell

Well Wife, I owe my life to your love, and I shall account you
as Pallas, that hath defended me with a prudent courage.

Hypocondria

If you think I have done you service worthy a reward,
pray give me a request.

Lovewell

That I shall, if it be that life you have defended, what is it?

Hypocondria. Eeeeee2r 479

Hypocondria

It is to set love free from the Chains of discretion, and Jailer
of temperance; for it is impossible to confine love, but either it will dy,
or break out in revenge.

Lovewell

Well Wife, hereafter I will never oppose loves wayes.

Exeunt.

Scene 35.

Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, and Monsieur Disguise.

Monsieur Disguise

Sir, did you hear what your Lady said?

Francis Inconstant

Yes, I heard her say, she would poyson me in a
mess of broath.

Disguise

What will you do to prevent it?

Inconstant

Leave that care to me, I shall be my own Sentinel, to discern
the aproaching Poyson.

Sir Francis goes out. Monsieur Disguise alone.

Disguise

Their Deaths will be my triumph, and my Death a reprieve.

Exit.

Scene 36.

Enter Monsieur Amorous, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Procurer

I am come to invite you to a Collation, for the Lady Wanton,
for whom you at first made costly Collations, is forced to invite
you now to the like.

Amorous

Faith Madam, I am so squezy stomacked, that the very sight of
a Banquet will put me into an Apoplexy, as with an obstructed Surfit.

Procurer

If you should deny her, you would lose your reputation
amongst our Sex for ever.

Amorous

Well I will go, upon condition that you carry a message from
me to another Lady.

Procurer

Most willingly, so it be not to the Lady Chastity.

Exeunt.

Scene 37.

Enter Mistriss Single, and Raillery Jester the Fool.

Mistriss Single

Prethy Fool give me advice, as how to choose a
Husband.

Eeeeee2 Fool Eeeeee2v 480

Fool

Faith you are wise to take a Fools Counsel; for Fools have for the
most part, best Fortune, either in their Counsel or Choice.

Single

Why, are Fools Fortunes favourites?

Fool

Yes, for by Fools Fortune plainly shews her power, when wise
men usurp it, striving to take her power from her.

Single

Then Fortune direct thee, to direct me.

Fool

Fortune is giddy, and directs by chance, which causes so many
misfortunes.

Single

Then by your direction, I may be unfortunate; but I will venture,
wherefore tell me how to chose.

Fool

Why then, you must choose a Husband by the Ear.

Single

By the Eye you mean.

Fool

No faith, those that would be happily match’d, must choose a Husband,
or Wife by the Ear, and not by the Eye: for though report is ofttimes
false, yet it seldom flatters; nay for the most part, it is so far from giving
merit its due Praises, as it detracts therefrom.

Single

But Fortune carries worthless men upon the tongue of fame.

Fool

’Tis true, but Fortune being giddy, is apt to stagger, and so to stumble,
and oft-times slings those worthless men in foul disgrace.

Single

But hopes and fears, bribe or force the World to praise a
worthless He, or Shee.

Fool

’Tis true, hopes of gain are bribes, and fear of punishments are
threats, for to perswade, or force the tongue to flatter; yet none but Gods
and Kings, are subject to this flattery, and you are not to marry, either the
one, nor yet the other; for Gods joyn not to Mortals, and Kings are far too
proud to marry Subjects; nor were it good for you, if that they would, as
that you were matcht to a King: for happiness lives in equallity.

Single

Faith thou are too wise to wear a Fools-Coat; wherefore
cast it off.

Fool

And faith I should be more Fool than my profession makes me, if I
should cast it off; therefore I will keep it on.

Exeunt.

Act V.

Scene 3938.

Enter the Lady Inconstant, and Monsieur Disguise.

Lady Inconstant

O my Dear love, I have such an opportunity, that Fortune
could never have given me a better; for my Husband is fallen Sick,
and if I Poyson him now, the World will say, and think it was his Sickness
that kill’d him, and that will secure me.

Disguise

If he be Sick, perchance he may dye, and that will save you the
labour, and hazard of poysoning.

Inconstant

O But if he should recover again, then I were undone; wherefore
I will not venture to rely upon his Sickness.

Disguise. Ffffff1r 481

Disguise

Use your discretion, but tis not fit we should be seen together;
wherefore, I will kiss your hands, and leave you for a time.

Inconstant

And I hope the next time we meet, we shall be rid of the obstructor
of our loves.

Exeunt.

Scene. 39.

Enter the Lady Wanton, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Wanton

Madam, did you give Monsieur Amorous the present I sent
you to give him?

Procurer

Yes, there was Shirts, Caps, and Handkerchiefs, of each
two dozen.

Wanton

There were so.

Procurer

They were of the finest Holland, and Flanders Lace, that ever I
saw, what might the present cost you?

Wanton

Not much above five hundred pounds.

Procurer

You speak as if it were but a slight present, but if your Husband
knew of it, he would think it were too much by four hundred ninety and
nine pound nineteen shillings eleven pence halfpeny farthing.

Wanton

But what said Monsieur Amorous, when you presented that present
as from me?

Procurer

At the first he would not receive the present, saying it was too
costly, and that he could not return enough thanks for it, and so should seem
as ungratefull against his will; but at last upon my perswasion, he took your
present, and to Morrow he will come and give you thanks.

Wanton

I had rather meet him in some other place, than receive his visit
at home, where my Husband is.

Exeunt.

Scene 40.

Enter the Lady Poverty weeping, and two or three Children
following her: Then Enters her Husband.

Lady Poverty

Husband, how shall these Children live?

Spendall

By Heavens Providence Wife.

Poverty

I fear they will starve unless your providence feeds them.

Spendall

It was imprudently done to get them.

Poverty

But now they are got, they must be provided for.

Spendall

Yes, as Beggers provide for their Children, put them to the
Parish.

Poverty

The Parish will not keep them.

Spendall

Then sell them to Animal Merchants, they will Traffick with
them into the Barbadoes, or Barmudes, or Virginy, or the like places.

Ffffff Poverty. Ffffff1v 482

Poverty

And how shall I live?

Spendall

Why you may go along, and be their Nurse.

Poverty

And the Merchants Whore.

Spendall

As you can agree; for he may sell you at as great a prize after,
as if you were honest; besides, your Children will prove you to be fruitfull,
for which, they will give a double, or trebble price for you; and if you
thrive send me word, and I will come to you, if I cannot live here.

Poverty

I thank you Husband, for you have made me miserably unhappy,
by your mispendings, yet you would feed upon my good fortune, if it can
be call’d good fortune, to thrive with dishonesty.

Spendall

Faith Fortune hath undone me; but may be she will be charitable
to you.

Poverty

I hope so, for Fortune never befriends those whom Vices besots,
and though your deboysteries have undone you, I hope my Virtues will
help to save me.

Spendall

But I never perceived your virtue to do you any good, but for
any thing I perceive to the contrary, you are like to starve, for all your
virtues.

Poverty

I hope when I am parted from you and your wickedness, Heaven
will powre down some mercy on me.

Exeunt.

Scene 41.

Enter the Lady Wanton, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Wanton

Pray Madam inform me where Monsieur Amorous is, for I
have sent two or three times to his Lodging, and my Messenger is answered
still he is from home.

Procurer

He is a wanderer.

Wanton

I think he is wandred into some other parts of the World, for
after he went from us, I sent a dozen Letters, whilst I staid in the Country,
and received not one answer.

Procurer

Faith Madam Monsieur Amorous is one of the lasiest of
Mankind.

Wanton

I am resolv’d when I see him to chide him, for I could not conveniently
do it when he came to give me thanks for my present.

Enter Sir Thomas Cuckold.

Procurer

Sir Thomas Cuckold, you are welcome to the Town, for though I
have had the Honour to see your Lady two or three times, yet I could not
get a sight of you never since you came out of the Country.

Cuckold

My Wife did wish for your Company whilst we were in the
Country, a hundred times.

Procurer

I should be glad to be in any place, to do my Lady Service.

Cuckold

I was abroad even now, where I met Monsieur Amorous, who
lookt upon me as if he knew me not, or rather as if he did despise me.

Procurer

Perchance he did not know you.

Cuckold. Ffffff2r 483

Cuckold

His memory must be very short, if he could forget me so soon.

Wanton

Perchance Husband you lookt strangely upon him.

Cuckold

Truly Wife I went to imbrace him, as I was used to do, with
kind love, and he crost the street to shun me.

Wanton

I dare lay my life it is some mistake Husband.

Procurer

Friends (Sir Thomas) must never be exceptious.

Cuckold

I am not apt to be exceptious, I will assure you Madam no Man
is freer from that humour than I am.

Exeunt.

Scene 42.

Enter Sir Francis Inconstant as sick upon a Couch, he being alone.

Sir Francis Inconstant

This feigned Sickness shall serve as a snare, to catch
my Wives design.

Enter the Lady Inconstant.

Lady Inconstant

My dear heart how are you?

Francis Inconstant

Very Sick, so Sick as I fear Heaven doth envy my happiness,
and will part us by Death.

Lady Inconstant

The Gods forbid! I hope you will live so long, as to
Crown your Virtuous life with aged years.

Francis Inconstant

O no, I find my life draws towards an end, and Death
will separate us from each other; but you being young Wife, will soon forget
me, placing your love upon some other Man, in whom, all the remembrance
of me will be buried.

Lady Inconstant

Dear Husband speak not so Melancholy; your words
strike such terrour into my heart, as I cannot indure to hear them, I had rather
Death should strike me, than you; Dear Husband, cheer up your self,
your Disease is only Melancholly; wherefore take such nurishing things, as
may give your Spirits strength and life; shall I bring you a little Burnt
Wine, to comfort your Spirits, or some Jelly broath to strengthen
your Stomack?

Francis Inconstant

If you please Wife.

The Lady Inconstant goes out. He alone.

Francis Inconstant

Now for the poysoned Draught.

Enter the Lady with a Porrenger of Broath.

Lady Inconstant

Here my dear heart, drink this.

He takes the Porrenger, and when it was in
his hand, he rises and goeth to the Chamber
Door, and locks it.
Ffffff2 Lady Ffffff2v 484

Lady Inconstant

What mean you Husband to lock the Door?

Francis Inconstant

Because none shall enter, untill the Broath be drunk
Wife.

She seems to be afraid, and desires to go forth
of the Chamber. He stays her.

Francis Inconstant

No Wife, you must not go out, for I mean to nourish
you with that Broath that you would have nourished me with.

Lady Inconstant

Why Husband I am not Sick, I do not require Broath.

Francis Inconstant

O yes Wife, your Soul is Sick, although your Body is
well, and this Broath may perchance cure the one, although it kills the
other; wherefore drink it.

Lady Inconstant

I will not.

Francis Inconstant

You shall, and if you drink it not willingly, I will force
it down you throat.

Lady Inconstant

Dear Husband spare me.

Francis Inconstant

Why, I give you nothing but that which you prepared
for me, and if it were good for me, it is good for you.

Lady Inconstant

Dear Husband have mercy on me, and I will confess
my crimes.

Francis Inconstant

No Wife, no more mercy than you would have had
one me, and therefore drink it.

Lady Inconstant

’Tis Poyson Husband.

Francis Inconstant

That is the reason you shall drink it Wife.

Lady Inconstant

Dear Husband, let me live but to repent my sinns, which
like a black thick cloud do cover all my Soul.

Francis Inconstant

This will be a sufficient punishment, for if you be punished
in this World, you may escape the punishment of the next.

Lady Inconstant

Good Husband consider youth, that is apt to run into errors,
not being guided with good Counsel, as it ought.

Francis Inconstant

I will consider nothing, and therefore drink it, or by
Heaven I will force you to it, and therefore linger not.

The Lady Inconstant takes the Cup, and
then kneels and lifts up her eyes towards
Heaven, and then prayes.

Lady Inconstant

You Gods forgive me my crimes, and let this deadly
draught purge clean my Soul from sin.

She drinks the poysoned Broath.

Francis Inconstant

Now Wife have you any Amorous desires to Monsieur
Disguise
.

Lady Inconstant

No, the fire of my unlawfull love is quencht.

She sinks to the ground, Lady Inconstant[Speaker label not present in original source] Heaven receive my Soul;
O,O, Husband forgive me.
Dies.

Francis Inconstant

Ha she is dead, what hath my furious passion done,
I was too sudden to crop her tender life so hastily, without more strickt examination;
for it was likely this spruse Gallant corrupted her with his alluringluring Gggggg1r 485
looks, and smooth inticing words, which he knew well how to apply;
and youth is credulous, and women soon perswaded, and being joyned in
one they easily are overcome. I do repent. He walks a turn or two in a Melancholy
muse.

I will revenge my self of those that were the cause.

Exeunt.

Scene 43.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and the Lady Wanton.

Lady Wanton

Where is Monsieur Amorous that he comes not with you?
you said you would bring him with you.

Procurer

Faith he desires to be excused, for he saith he is not well.

Wanton

This is but an excuse, for he hath made an hundred within this
week; but since he doth neglect me, I will have another that shall be
more constant.

Procurer

You are wise Madam: for since men are so various as they are,
women would seem but fools, should they be constant.

Wanton

Well then Madam, you must do me a favour, for since I became
acquainted with Monsieur Amorous, upon your perswasion, you must contrive
a private meeting for me and another Gentleman, upon my perswasion.

Procurer

Sweet Lady, you do oblige me to imploy me in your Service.

Exeunt.

Scene 44.

Enter two Maid Servants, that were the Lady Poverties.

1 Maid

O Ursely, I am glad to see thee with all my heart.

2 Maid

Truly Jane, so am I to see you.

1 Maid

When did you hear of our good Lady, the Lady Poverty?

2 Maid

It was not long since I saw her.

1 Maid

And how doth she live poor Lady?

2 Maid

Why she lives privately, but is likely to live happy enough; for
her friends have now taken care of her and her Children, upon the condition
that she will receive no visits from her Husband, but banish his Company,
lest he should encrease their charge with more Children; neither will they
allow him any thing.

1 Maid

By my troth he doth not deserve any maintenance; but I am
glad she is provided for, being a shiftless creature for her self and Children;
but where do you live Ursely?

2 Maid

Why I live with an old Widower.

1 Maid

And I with a grave Matronly Widow, wherefore let us endeavourGggggg vour Gggggg1v 486
to make a match betwixt them, that so we may live once again in a
House together; for you and I were always dear friends you know.

2 Maid

’Tis true Jane, but as you are my friend I must tell you, I should
be an ill friend to my self, if I should perswade my Master to marry.

1 Maid

Nay if it be so Ursely, make the best of him; and if thou wilt
shew me where thou dwellest, I will come and visit thee when I have
leisure.

2 Maid

Come with me, and I will shew you where I live.

Exeunt.

Scene 45.

A Table set out cover’d, and furnish’d with meat. Enter Sir Humphrey
Disagree
, and the Lady Disagree, and their Friends; every
one takes their place, and sits as to eat.

Sir Humphrey Disagree

Wife, where are the Fidlers that you promist we
should have.

Lady Disagree

I did forbid them to play, untill such time as we had half
din’d, for their scraping would hinder our eating.

Humphrey Disagree

Pray wife let them come in, for I love my meat
should dance in my mouth, my teeth keeping just time to the tune; and the
Musick will make my meat turn nimbly in my mouth, and will heat my tast
to a high gusto.

Lady Disagree

The noise that they will make, will take away my Stomack,
and will make my head ake; besides, no body will hear one another speak,
neither will our Servants hear what we call for.

Humphrey Disagree

It will make our Servants the more diligent, for Musick
will revive their Spirits, and will make them agil; wherefore pray
Wife let them come in and play.

Lady Disagree

No pray Husband let them alone a little while longer.

Humphrey Disagree

If you keep them out untill our Stomacks be full, we
shall be so dull and heavy with the vapour of the meat, as it will not be in
the power of Musick to move our minds to mirth, or so drunk with Wine,
as the Musick will make us mad.

Lady Disagree

I hope you will not be mad before you are drunk.

Humphrey Disagree

No Wife, I will be merry before I am drunk, wherefore
Servants call them in.

She speaks as to the Servants.

Lady Disagree

Let them alone.

Humphrey Disagree

I say they shall come and play, and therefore call
them in.

Lady Disagree

I say they shall not come in, nor play, therefore forbid them.

Humphrey Disagree

Surely I will be Master, and therefore they shall
play.

Lady Disagree

Surely I will be Mistriss of this Feast, and therefore they
shall not play.

Humphrey Gggggg2r 487

Humphrey Disagree

Call them.

Lady Disagree

Let them alone.

The Servants the while sometimes run as to
the door, and then as from it, not knowing
whether they should obey.
Sir Humphrey rises as to call them himself, She rises also.

Humphrey Disagree

They shall come and play.

He offers to go, She puls him back.

Lady Disagree

They shall not play.

He shoves her from him, she takes her Napkin and
rouls it, flings it at him, he flings another at her;
she takes a Plate, and throws at him, he Curses,
and she Scolds, their Friends strive to part
them, and in the strife and bussle, down goeth all
the Pots and Dishes, and so they go fighting, and
striving off the Stage.
The Servants take away all the meat and
things, and after all was gone, Enter
two Maid-Servants.

1 Maid

Lord there is such doings within, as it is wonderfull, my Master
swears, my Lady cries, and rails, and rails and cries.

2 Maid

Intruth it is a sad Feast, and I was joyed to think how merry we
should all be.

1 Maid

And I pleased my self to think, what good cheer we should have,
and what dainties we should eat.

2 Maid

Why, so may you still.

1 Maid

No Faith in this Hurlyburby every one catcht who catch could,
that all is vanish’d, and purloyn’d away in this disorder.

2 Maid

Come let us go, and see whether they can agree or not.

1 Maid

That they can never do, so long as the sound of their tongues is
within the distance of their Ears; besides nature hath not matcht their dispositions,
or humours.

2 Maid

You say right, intruth their Souls are mismatcht, and therefore
it is impossible they should ever agree.

Exeunt.

Scene 46.

Enter Sir Francis Inconstant, and Monsieur Disguise.

Sir Francis Inconstant

Sir my Wife your Mistriss is Dead.

Monsieur Disguise

No Sir, my Mistriss and your Whore is Dead.

Inconstant

You are a Villain to corrupt her.

Gggggg2 Disguise. Gggggg2v 488

Disguise

You are a Villain to marry her.

Inconstant

Draw, for either or both of us Villains shall dy.

Disguise

I fear not Death nor you.

They both draw their Swords.

Disguise

Justice defend the wrong’d, and take my part.

They fight and give each other deadly wounds;
Sir Francis Inconstant falls, and as he lay
on the ground speaks.

Inconstant

Heaven is just, to punish perjury with violent Death; O my
Conscience, how it stings me at my Death, with the remembrance of the
wrongs I did my first love.

Monsieur Disguise sinks close by Sir Francis,
and then discovers her self.

Mistriss Forsaken

Do you know this Face, or have my sorrows disfigur’d
it so much, as you cannot call it to remembrance?

Sir Francis Starts.

Inconstant

You powers above, affright not my fleeting Soul with visions,
but let it gently pass, and leave my body to the silent grave.

He directs his Speech to her.

Inconstant

You Spirit divine, take not revenge; for I am truly sorry for
the wrongs I did thee in thy life.

Mistriss Forsaken

I forgive you, and know I am no Spirit, and though I
cannot say I live, because I am dying, yet I am not dead, and that Letter I
brought you, was to disguise me the more by a false report; but I have
acted the design of my Travel, which was to end my life with yours, for
since I could not enjoy you in life, I desir’d to imbrace you by Death, and
so I shall.

She flings her arms over him and dyes.

Inconstant

O my Soul make haste and follow hers.

He kisses her, and on her lips dyes.

Finis.