422 Ooooo1v 422

The Actors Names.

The Lord Widower.

Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his wife.

Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chaſtity his wife.

Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealouſie his wife.

Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and the Lady Diſagree his wife.

Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his wife.

Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his wife.

Sir John Dotard, and the Lady Driping his wife.

Sir Francis Inconſtant, and the Lady Inconſtant his wife.

Sir James Hearty, the Lady Inconſtants Father.

Monſieur Amorous.

Monſieur Diſguiſe.

The Lady Sprightly, the Lord Widowers Daughter.

The Lady Procurer.

Mistris Forſaken, afterwards named Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Miſtris Single, ſiſter to the Lady Jealouſie.

Doll Subtilty, the Lady Sprightly’s Chambermaid: Alſo a Waiting- Gentlewoman.

Nan Lightheel, the Lady Jealouſies Maid, and likewiſe a Waiting- Gentlewoman.

Joan Cry-out, the Lady Hypocondria’s Chamber-maid, and likewiſe a Waiting-Gentlewoman.

Briget Greaſy, Sir John Dottards Kitchin maid, and two other Maids of his.

Three Maid-ſervants of the Lady Poverty’s.

Two or three Maid-ſervants of the Lady Diſagree’s.

A Maid-ſervant to the Lady Inconſtant.

Nic Adviſer, Sir Francis Inconſtants man.

Roger Truſty, Sir William Lovewels man.

A Serving-man of Sir James Hearty’s.

A Skipper.

Doctors and others.

Steward.

The 423 Ooooo2r 423

The firſt Part of the Play, called the Matrimonial Trouble. A Comedy.

Act I.

Scene 1.

Enter Sir Francis Inconſtant, and Miſtris Forſaken.

Sir Fran. Incon

When I forſake you, let Heaven forſake my Soul.

Miſtris Forſaken

I do not doubt you: for if I did, I could not love you; and whilſt I love you, I cannot doubt you.

Inconſtant

O how it wounds my heart to part from you! my Thoughts are tortur’d, and my Mind is ſet upon a melancholy Rack.

Forſaken

Since your Journey cannot be conveniently avoided, I will pleaſe my ſelf with the hopes of your ſudden Return.

Inconſtant

Farewel, ſweet Miſtris, Death is the worſt of Nature, and your Abſence the worſt of Fortune.

Exeunt.

Scene 2.

Enter Maſter Thrifty the Steward, and Briget Greaſy the Cook-maid.

Briget Greaſy

Good Maſter Steward, give Order for ſome Beef-ſuet to be brought in: for there is not any left in the Houſe, and I muſt make a Veniſon-paſty; and if I ſhould temper my Paſty all with butter, you would be angry.

Thrifty

Why, cannot you take ſome of the fat from the Beef-broth for your Cruſt?

Briget

Yes, if every one that eat of it had as freſh a mouth as you, or loved drink ſo well as you do, it would ſerve, otherwiſe it would be too ſalt for their palats; beſides, I am to make puddings in guts.

Thrifty

If they prove as the laſt you made, the dogs may eat them: Ooooo2 for 424 Ooooo2v 424 for the guts ſtunk ſo much, as no man could eat any of them.

Briget

I’m ſure ’twas your fault, in that you did not bring me wherewithall to make them, until ſuch time as the guts began to putrifie.

Thrifty

No, no, you are a Slut, and did not take all the dung out of them, nor waſh, nor ſcrape, nor cleanſe them as they ſhould have been ; but you order the guts, as you do the diſhes, the one is dungy, the other greaſie ; beſides, my Maſter complains, that his Fowl taſte rank, and his Brawn Taſts ſtrong, and his Beef taſtes muſty, and that’s becauſe you are ſo lazy, as not to ſhift your Brawn into freſh Souſing-drink, nor make the brine ſtrong enough in the powdring-tub, nor thruſt your fingers far enough into the Fowls rumps, to draw them clean; beſides, when they are roaſted, they are as dry as a chip, for want of baſting-butter; beſides, your ſluttery is ſuch, as you will poyſon all the Houſe: for in one place I find a piece of butter, and a greaſie comb, full of nitty hairs lying by it; and in another place flour and old-worn ſtockings, the feet being rotted off with ſweat; and in a third place, a diſh of cold meat cover’d with a foul ſmock, and your durty ſhooes (for the moſt part) ſtand upon the Dreſſer-board, where you lay the hot meat; beſides, by your careleſneſs you do waſte and ſpoil ſo much, as it is unſufferable; for you will fling whole ladlefuls of dripping into the fire, to make the fire blaze underneath the pot; and becauſe you have not the profit of the Kitchin- ſtuff, you will never ſcrape the Dreſſer-board, nor Dripping-pans, nor lick the Platters, Trays, or Scummers, Frying-pans, Skillets, Gridirons, Spits, Ladles, Kettles, or any of the Kitchin-veſſels, as you ſhould doe, but waſh them all with hot water at firſt, without taking off the greaſe beforehand.

Briget

Well, if you do not like me, pray pay me my wages, and I will be gone: I’m ſure I never ſerv’d in any place for ſo ſmall wages and few vails as in this ſervice: I’m ſure ’tis no ways beneficial to me.

Thrifty

I’m ſure you’l make it beneficial one way or another: for you have your female Factors that lie abroad, to whom you ſend Commodities by your She-porters, that come hither every day to tranſport them. Thus you traffique upon my Maſters Coſt, and my Reputation: for I am thought the worſe of either, as believing I am a falſe Steward, or a negligent one. Thus a True man is thought a Knave: for by your ſtealing I am thought a Thief.

Briget

You are a baſe man for ſaying I ſteal, I never was accounted a Thief in my life, but always truſty and true, in what Service ſoever I lived.

The Steward goes out, and Briget Greaſie left as crying: Then enters her Maſter Sir John Dotard, and looks earneſtly upon her, and then ſpeaks as to himſelf.

Dotard

She’s a pretty Wench, if ſhe had but clean clothes on, by Venus ſhe would be very handſome; a Silk Gown would make her a rare Beauty; her Tears fall on her Noſe and Cheeks like gentle ſhowers of rain on Roſes and Lillies ſweet. O ſhe is a heavenly Creature! He ſpeaks to her. Sweet-heart, where do you live?

Briget

In your Worſhips Houſe.

Dottard

And whoſe ſervant are you?

Briget

Your Worſhips.

Dotard 425 Ppppp1r 425

Dotard

How long have you ſerved me?

Briget

A Quarter, and’t pleaſe your Worſhip.

Dotard

In what place ſerve you?

Briget

In the Kitchin, an’t pleaſe you.

Dotard

What makes you cry?

Briget

Your Worſhips Steward hath wrong’d me.

Dotard

How hath he wrong’d thee?

Briget

He ſays I ſtole your Worſhips Kithin-ſtuff, when the Gods know I am as innocent as the child that is newly born.

Dotard

He is a Knave for ſaying ſo, and I will have him turn’d out of his Authority for ſaying ſo: wherefore cry no more, fair Maid; for thou ſhalt be preferr’d to a higher Office.

Briget

I thank your Worſhip.

Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter Miſtris Forſaken, and a Gentleman.

Forſaken

Sir, did you come lately from Changeland?

Gentlem

Yes Lady.

Forſaken

Pray did you not ſee a Gentlemoan in that Country, named Sir Francis Inconſtant?

Gentlem

I am very well acquainted with him, Lady: for he is my moſt noble Friend.

Forſaken

I hope he is well.

Gentlem

So well, Madam, as he is reſolv’d to marry.

Forſaken

That he might do; if it were for no other reaſon, but for a Nurſe to tend him, if he ſhould chance to be ſick.

Gentlem

By your favour, Lady, it were dangerous for a ſick man to be maried, eſpecially to a fair young Lady.

Forſaken

But pray, Sir, is he to marry a Lady in that Country?

Gentlem

So he told me.

Forſaken

Did he tell you ſo himſelf?

Gentlem

Yes Madam, I had it firſt from his own mouth.

Forſaken

Is ſhe handſome?

Gentlem

Truly I did not ſee her.

Forſaken

I ſhe rich Sir?

Gentlem

Truly I heard not what portion ſhe had; but I ſuppoſe if ſhe had been rich, her wealth would have made her famous.

Forſaken

Nor you have not heard whether ſhe is diſcreet, or witty, nor of what humour ſhe is ?

Gentlem

No indeed, Lady, I heard not any body ſpeak of her but himſelf, and that was only, That he was to marry a young Lady in that City he was in, and that he thought would be the cauſe to perſwade him to ſettle in that Country.

Forſaken

How long a time is required to go to that place where he is?

Gentlem

According as the wind is: If the wind be good, twelve hours Ppppp ſail 426 Ppppp1v 426 ſail will land a paſſenger, and ſome eight hours riding from the ſhore, will bring them to the City.

Forſaken

Will you pleaſe to walk in and reſt your ſelf?

Exeunt.

Scene 4.

Enter two ſervant-maids of Sir John Dotards.

1 Maid

Lord, there is ſuch a quarrel about the falling out of Briget Greaſie and Maſter Steward, as it is wonderful: for my Maſter chides, Briget cries, and Maſter Steward maintains his words, as they do ſo offend and miſprove, as you would bleſs your ſelf.

2 Maid

I will go liſten, and hear them.

Exeunt.

Scene 5.

Enter the Lord Widower, and Doctors.

Lord

My Wife, Maſter Doctor, is very ill.

Doctor

She is ſo: for her Diſeaſe is not to be cured, my Lord; for we cannot reſtore the decays of vital parts: for as they conſume, life draws towards an end.

Lord

But pray do your endeavour to prolong her likfe as long as you can.

Doctor

We ſhall, my Lord, to the utmoſt of our skill. Your Lorſhips humble ſervant.

Exit Doctor. Enter Dol Subtilty, the Ladies Chamber-maid.

Dol Subtilty

My Lady deſires to ſpeak with your Lordſhip.

Lord

And I deſire to ſpeak with your Ladiſhip.

Subtilty

I am ready to hear your Lordſhips commands.

Lord

And are you as ready to obey them?

Subtilty

Yes, ſo far as my duty doth oblige me.

Lord

Well, then pray do not forget when you are call’d to pay that duty where you owe it.

Exeunt.
Scene 427 Ppppp2r 427

Scene 6.

Enter Miſtris Forſaken alone.

Miſtris Forſaken

If this News could deprive me of my life, it would have made me happy; but it hath almoſt depriv’d me of my Reaſon, and quite from my Patience, which makes me miſerable, and Miſery is worſe than Death : for Death is a ceſsation of pain, and Miſery a torment of life: But if this Report be true, I will lay more curſes on his head, than a long penitenial life ſhall be able to take off.

Exit.

Scene 7.

Enter the two Maids of Sir John Dotard.

1 Maid

Lord, Briget is ſo proud ſince ſhe is preferr’d to be my Maſters Laundry-maid, as ſhe will touch none but my Maſters linnen.

2 Maid

She is become very fine upon her preferment: I am ſure it is not five or ten pound wages that will or can maintain her at that rate ſhe goes: for ſhe hath had, to my knowledge, two new pair of ſhooes within three weeks of each other; whereupon I told her, that the ſhooes that ſhe caſt by, would be very ſtrong and ſerviceable, if they were cobled; and her Anſwer was, what, did I think ſhe would wear cobled ſhooes? I told her, why not now, as well as ſhe did? for ſhe us’d to ſend her ſhooes to be cobled three or four times over, and her waſtcoat to be patch’d, and her petticoats to be new-border’d, and her ſtockings to be heel’d, as the reſt of us did; and I knew of no Lands that had befallen her, and therefore ſhe may doe the ſame ſtill.

1 Maid

And what ſaid ſhe then?

2 Maid

She bid me meddle with my own matters, and not meddle with her; and I dare not offend her, for fear I ſhould be turn’d away: nay ſhe is ſo proud, as ſhe turns her head aſide when Richard the Carter comes to kiſs her, and ſhe ſtrives to ſhun his company, when once within a ſhort time, ſhe would make haſte to waſh her diſhes, that ſhe might have time to ſit in Richards Lap, and there they would ſit colling and kiſsing until the ſea-coal- fire was burn’d out.

2 Maid

But now ſhe ſits in a better ſeat.

Exeunt
Ppppp2 Scene 428 Ppppp2v 428

Scene 8.

Enter Miſtris Forſaken in mans Apparel, naming her ſelf Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

I cannot believe he will prove ſo falſe and perjurious, but this Diſguiſe, I hope, will bring me to diſcover the Truth: And if he be falſe, for his ſake may all the Maſculine Sex be ſlaves to the Effeminate Sex, not bound by Love, but by baſe ſervile fear; may they long after the power, but never get it; may women govern the World, and when they command, the men dare not diſobey, and be deſpis’d for their reward; may their Jealouſies diſturb their Reſt, their Cares increaſe their Labours; may they work like Horſes, fawn like Dogs, and bear like Aſses. But if he be conſtant, may all the Maſculine Sex be bleſs’d for his ſake; may all women deſire, admire, and love him; may Pleaſure imbrace him, Health preſerve him, and Time attend him; may he be arm’d with Power, crown’d with Peace, and all Obedience bow to his command; may the ſound but of his Name bring joy to all hearts; may all be pleas’d for his Birth, pray for his Life, and fear his Death; may good Fortune trace his ways, whilſt he rides upon the wings of a glorious Fame.

Exeunt.

Scene 9.

Enter Sir Francis Inconſtant, as in another Country, with his new Miſtris.

Inconſtant

Sweet Miſtris, you are the Elixar of Beauty: all other women are as unrefin’d metal, like baſe coyn.

New Miſtris

Whilſt I am unmarry’d you’l flatter me; but when I am your Wife, you will change your complemental diſcourſe to quarrelling diſputes, or inſulting commands.

Inconſtant

O never, never, your Eye ſhall direct all my Actions, your Commands ſhall rule my Life, and your Pleaſures ſhall be my onely Delight.

Exeunt.

Scene 10.

Enter Sir James Hearty and his Man.

Hearty

Here, take this Note, that you may not forget the Gueſts that are to be invited to my Daughters Wedding. The man takes the Note, and looks on it. Can 429 Qqqqq1r 429 Can you read it?

Man

I cannot tell Sir.

Hearty

Let me hear if you can, or not.

Man

  • Imprimis, Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his Wife.
  • Item Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chaſtity his Wife.
  • Item Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealouſie his Wife, and Miſtris Jane Single her Siſter.
  • Item Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his Wife.
  • Item Sir Humphry Diſagree, and the Lady Diſagree his Wife.
  • Item Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his Wife.
  • Item the Lady Procurer.
  • Item Monſieur Amorous.

Hearty

Well read, well read: As for the Lord Widower, I know he will not come: for I hear his Lady is newly dead. This is the Nature of the World, ſome marry, and ſome die.

Man

Troth Sir, of the two Evils, I think it is better to die than to marry.

Hearty

I am not of your mind: for I had rather have a ruddy, plain, ſoft Wench to be my Bed-fellow, than pale, grim, lean, numb, cold Death. But go your way about this Imployment, the whilſt I will give direction for the Entertainment.

Exeunt.

Scene 11.

Enter the Lord Widower, and the Lady Sprightly his Eldeſt Daughter, and other ſmall Children, and Doll Subtilty, all weeping.

Lord

We have a reaſon to weep: for you my Children, have loſt a good Mother, and I a loving Wife, and her ſervants a kind Lady; but we cannot alter Heavens Decrees: wherefore we muſt take comfort in what is, and not grieve for what cannot be helpt: And now, Daughter Sprightly, you muſt be as my Wife, Friend, and Daughter all in one: for as your Mother did, when ſhe had health, govern my Family, ſo muſt you now ſhe is dead; and you muſt take care of your young Brothers and Siſters, and Heaven will reward thee with a good Husband and Children of your own: And as for her Maid here, who hath taken great pains all the time of your Mothers ſickneſs, ought to be rewarded for her care: wherefore, Daughter, let her wait upon you, as ſhe did upon your Mother.

Doll Subtilty

I thank your Lordſhip.

Exeunt.
Qqqqq Scene 430 Qqqqq1v 430

Scene 12.

Enter all the Bridal Gueſts, and paſs over the Stage, as thorough a Room.

Scene 13.

Enter Monſieur Diſguiſe, as from the ſea.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

Surely the Fates have conſpired againſt me, the winds were ſo croſs, juſt like men, ſometimes for us, and ſometimes againſt us. Enter a Skipper. Have you found out the Gentlemans lodging?

Skipper

Yes Sir.

Diſguiſe

And was he at home?

Skipper

He hath that which will invite him to ſtay at home, and keep him from wandring abroad for ſome time Sir.

Diſguiſe

What’s that?

Skipper

A fair Wife Sir: for a drunken Serving-man told me that one Sir Francis Inconſtant had maried his Maſters Daughter, and that the Wedding- Feaſt would continue a Week, if not a Fortnight.

Diſguiſe

And was the man drunk who told you ſo?

Skipper

Yes ſurely: he ſeem’d ſo to me.

Diſguiſe

Then (perchance) he might tell you a lye.

Skipper

He was not ſo drunk, but that he might tell a truth.

Diſguiſe

Prethee Friend do me one favour more, and then I will pay thee for thy pains.

Skipper

What you pleaſe to command me Sir.

Diſguiſe

Then inquire for a mans-Tailor, to make me ſome Cloaths: for I am not Accoutred fit for a Bridal Houſe.

Skipper

I ſhall Sir.

Exeunt.

Scene 14.

Enter two Maids of Sir John Dotards.

1 Maid

’Faith I will go and inquire out a new ſervice: for I will never he box’d by my fellow-ſervant that was, although now ſhe is prefer’d to be Houſe-keeper.

2 Maid

How came the quarrel betwixt you?

1 Maid

Why now, forſooth, ſhe is come to Order and to Rectifie, ſhe’s not only grown light-finger’d, but fine finger’d, as to touch nothing that is not 431 Qqqqq2r 431 not bright-ſcour’d, nor then neither, without her gloves; and ſhe calld for a candle and a candleſtick to carry into my Maſters Chamber, and I for haſte run up with the candle, and forgot the candleſtick, and had left it behind me: when I came, what, ſaid, ſhe, do you bring a candle without a candleſtick? Alas ſaid I, I have forgot it; but hold you the candle, ſaid I, and I will run and fetch the ſtick ſtraight, and ſo I put the candle into her hand: with that, ſhe up with her hand, and gave me a box on the ear, what, ſaid ſhe, do you give me a greaſie candle to hold? I will teach you more manners, ſaid ſhe, againſt the next time: I being heated at the blow ſhe gave me, told her, that ſhe had forgot ſince the Mouſe bit her greaſie face when ſhe was aſleep, taking it for a candles-end, or a piece of bacon: with that, ſhe flew upon me, and I at her, where in the combat we made ſuch a noise, as my Maſter came forth of his Chamber, and parted us, and then he bid me get me out of his houſe, but kiſs’d her, and pray’d her to pacifie her anger, and not to diſtemper her ſelf with a rude wench as I was.

2 Maid

And what ſaid ſhe then?

1 Maid

Why ſhe told my Maſter I was a naughty Baggage, a dirty Slut, a baſe Whore, and all the ill names ſhe could; but I will not ſuffer this, for I will be gone.

2 Maid

Nay, let us ſtay until we are provided of other Services.

Exeunt.

Scene 15.

Enter Monſieur Diſguiſe alone.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

And is he maried! O that I could pull out that part of my Brain which imprints his memory! For the wrongs he hath done me are ſo great and heavy, as I wiſh I could unload my Soul, and build a Pyramide of Curſes, that may ſtand as a mark of his Infamy. She ſtudies a little time, then ſpeaks. I had rather baniſh my ſelf, than live in diſgrace in my own Countrey.

Exit.
Qqqqq2 Act 432 Qqqqq2v 432

Act II.

Scene. 16.

Enter the Lord Widower, and Doll Subtilty.

Subtilty

’Faith, my Lord, your Daughter is ſo jealous of me, as ſhe ſayes I am always in your Lordſhips Chamber.

Lord

Why ſo thou art moſt commonly, although not always.

Subtilty

But yet it is not fit Children ſhould examine their Parents actions; and it were an indiſcretion in Parents to allow of it.

Lord

She is young, ſhe is young.

Subtilty

Wherefore your Lordſhip ſhould have a care to have her prudently govern’d; and if ſhe be too young to govern her ſelf, how can ſhe govern ſo great a Family as your Lordſhips is?

Lord

O ſhe hath but the name, my Steward governs all.

Subtilty

Yes; but the Miſtris of the Houſe governs the Steward, and the Steward give Orders as an inferiour Officer, delivering the Superiours commands.

Lord

You ſay true: wherefore you that have ſome more experience, ſhould counſel her.

Subtilty

O, my Lord, ’tis not manners for me to give her counſel, neither will ſhe take it from me: for when I humbly offer her my Advice, ſhe checks me, and threatens to turn me away.

Lord

Doth ſhe ſo? But I will have her to take counſel, and to know ſhe is too young to order after her own childiſh fancy.

Subtilty

Indeed, my Lord, ſhe wants years, which ſhould make her experienc’d. Sweet child, ſhe is fitter to dreſs Babies, and order a Cloſet, than govern a great Family, which is a little Common-wealth.

Lord

Well, I will order her otherwiſe.

Exeunt.

Scene 17.

Enter the Bride, the Bridegroom, Sir James Hearty, and all the Bridal Gueſts. Then enters a ſervant to the Bridegroom Sir Francis Inconſtant.

Servant

Sir there is a young Gentleman deſires to ſpeak with your Worſhip.

Inconſtant

What manner of man is he?

Servant

A ſweet-fac’d young man, by my Troth Sir.

Inconſtant

Of what Country ſeems he to be?

Servant

Of your own Countrey, Sir.

In- 433 Rrrrr1r 433

Inconſtant

Direct him in.

Enter Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Diſguiſe

Sir, I was commanded by a young Lady to give you this Letter.

Sir Francis reads it, and in the reading ſeems very much troubled.

Inconſtant

She writes as if ſhe were dying when ſhe writ this letter.

Diſguiſe

She was dying indeed: for the laſt act ſhe did, was to give me this letter; and the laſt words ſhe ſpoke were, Pray ſee this letter ſafe convey’d, and ſo ſhe dy’d.

Lady Inconſtant

What makes you ſo pale on a ſudden, Husband?

Sir Fran. Incon

I am not well, and therefore I muſt goe to my Chamber; but pray Sweet-heart ſtay you here, leſt my being ill ſhould diſturb our Gueſts.

Lady Inconſtant

Do you think I can entertain them if you be ſick?

Sir Fran. Incon

I am not ſo ſick as to be nurs’d, although not ſo well as to delight in company: for I am rather melancholy, than any other way diſtemper’d.

Lady Inconſt

What makes you melancholy?

Sir Fran. Incon

Why a dear Friend of mine is dead. He ſighs a great ſigh. But Sweet-heart, pray excuſe me to the company, and pry let this Gentleman, my noble Friend, be well-treated.

Lady Inconſt

I ſhall obey your command.

Sir Francis goes out.

Sir Jam. Hearty

What, is my Son-in-law gone?

Lady Inconſt

Sir he deſires you and the reſt of the company would excuſe him: for he hath heard of the death of a Friend, which makes him ſo melancholy, as he ſaith that his dull and indiſpos’d humour would diſturb the mirth of our noble Friends.

Sir Jam. Hearty

’Tis a ſign he is young, that he is ſo tender-natur’d, and ſo ſoft-hearted, to mourn and grieve for thoſe that die; but when he comes to Age, he will only commend his friends that are dead, but not grieve for them: for Pity wears out, as Age increaſes.

Lady Inconſt

Pray Sir let me intreat you to be one of our Gueſts.

Diſguiſe

You ſhall command me, Lady.

Sir Tho. Cuckold

Nay, ſince the Gentleman hath brought ſuch Newes as hath baniſhed the Bridegroom from the Company, he ſhall now ſupply his place.

Sir Hum. Diſagree

Soft Sir, he may at the Board, but not in his Bed.

Sir Hen. Courtly

He looks ſo modeſtly, as if he would play the part of a Bride rather than a Bridegroom.

Diſguiſe

Lady, will you accept of my modeſt ſervice?

Lady Inconſt

Sir, I muſt not refuſe Modeſty.

Exeunt.
Rrrrr Scene 434 Rrrrr1v 434

Scene 18.

Enter two Maid-ſervants of Sir John Dotards.

1 Maid

’Tis no wonder that Briget Greaſie is ſo proud now, being maried to my Maſter, he having made her a Lady. Lord, Lord, to ſee the fortune that ſome have over others: why, if my Maſter would have maried one of his Maids, he might have choſen a prettier wench amongſt any of us all than ſhe is.

2 Maid

Yes ’faith: for ſhe was thought the verieſt Puſs of us all; for ſhe is neither ſnout-fair, nor well-ſhap’d; ſhe hath ſplay-feet, and chilblain- heels.

1 Maid

Nay all will grant ſhe was the dirtieſt ſlut in the Houſe: for there was never a man-ſervant but would cry ſo at her when they kiſs’d her; beſides, ſhe was the verieſt fool amongſt us: But Lord, what Wealth and Honour will do! for now ſhe is Lady, ſhe looks as if ſhe never waſh’d a diſh, or ſcour’d a kettle or ſpit.

2 Maid

But I wonder how ſhe came to be his Wife, ſhe might have ſerved as her Betters have done before her: I am ſure there was Nan, a pretty pert, cleanly Maid, who was kind, and willing to do any thing, either to ſerve our Maſter, or fellow ſervants.

1 Maid

O but Nan had not an old woman that us’d to come to her to get ſuet and ſcraps, as Briget had; and this old woman, they ſay, counſell’d Briget to ſeem nice and coy.

2 Maid

I wonder what Richard the Carter will ſay, who was turned out of his ſervice, becauſe he ſhould not ſhare with my Maſter.

1 Maid

’Faith I hear d that Richard was told of her Advancement, and ’tis ſaid he laugh’d, and ſaid my Maſter had a hungry ſtomach, that he could feed of his leavings; but by his Troth he was glad ſhe was become a Lady: for now he could ſay he had kiſs’d and courted a Lady as well as the beſt Gallant of them all.

Exeunt.

Scene 19.

Enter the Lord Widower, and the Laddy Sprightly his Daughter.

Lord

Daughter, although you do govern my Family very well for your years, yet you are young, and wanting Experience, may be cozened; and though I have a great Eſtate, yet it will be all conſum’d, if Order and Method be not put into practice: wherefore I would have you take the counſel of Miſtris Dorothy Subtilty, to aſſiſt you.

Lady

Who is that, my Lord?

Lord

Why, do not you know her? ſhe that waited on your Mother.

Lady

Pardon me, my Lord, I did not know her by that Title: for ſhe was plain Dol Subtilty when ſhe waited on my Mother, and not knowing of her advancementvancement 435 Rrrrr2r 435 vancement from a Chambermaid to a Gentlewoman, I might eaſily misſtake; beſides, ſhe is not ſo much older, as to have much more experience than my ſelf: perchance ſhe may have more craft, which was learned her in her poverty, than I, who have been bred at the Horn of Plenty, that knew no ſcarcity, nor ſharking neceſſity.

Lord

You have a ſharp tongue when ſpight moves it; but let me hear no more of theſe words, but do as I command you.

Lady

I never diſobey’d you as I do know.

Lord

Well, no more words.

Exeunt.

Scene 20.

Enter the Bride, and all the Bridal Gueſts; they dance, and Monſieur Diſguiſe dances with the Bride. Sir Spendall ſeems to whiſper Monſieur Diſguiſe in the Ear, being half drunk.

Spendall

Sir, but that you look more like a woman than a man, you might give the Bridegroom more cauſe to be melancholy for the living than the dead; but let me intreat you, young Gentleman, that you ſtrike not his Head, as your News hath done his Heart: for I perceive the Brides eyes are fix’d upon you, and from the root of a fix’d eye grows Horns, when they are ſet in a maried Head.

Diſguiſe

There is no fear.

Spendall

Yes Sir, as long as there are doubts, there are fears.

Diſguiſe

There is no doubt Sir.

Spendall

But that ſhe will be Sir.

Diſguiſe

What, Sir?

Spendall

What you pleaſe Sir; and let me tell you, young Gentleman, that as long as there are women, there will be Lovers and Cuckolds.

Diſguiſe

And let me tell you, Sir, that as long as there are men, there will be Fools and Drunkards.

Lady Inconſtant

Sir, I doubt we have invited you rather to your trouble, than your delight.

Diſguiſe

Madam, you are the Treaſure of Pleaſure and Delight; which none can receive but from your Bounty, nor enjoy but by your Favour.

Exeunt.

Scene 21.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and Dol Subtilty.

Lady Sprightly

What had you to do to contradict my commands?

Dol Subtilty

They were not fit to be obey’d, wherefore they were forbid.

Rrrrr2 The 436 Rrrrr2v 436 The Lady gives Dol a box on the Ear.

Lady

There, take that, to remember I forbid you to forbid my commands.

Dol

I will declare your blows to ſome that ſhall revenge me.

Enter the Lord Widower.

Lord

What, are you ſo light-finger’d? ’Tis time to get you a Husband, to govern and rule your high ſpirit.

Lady

No, pray Sir get me no Husband: for if my Father takes part againſt me, ſurely a Husband will be worſe natur’d.

Lord

So, you will ſay I am unnatural.

Lady

No Sir, I only ſay it is not my undutifulneſs that diſpleaſes you, but ſome that hath more wit than I, or at leaſt good fortune to pleaſe you better.

Lord

Well, pray ſtudy your Book and Work, and leave the Houſhold Affairs to my diſpoſal.

Lady

Sir, I took the Office, as my duty to your commands, not for Delight, Pleaſure, Eaſe, or Profit, and I ſhall ſurrender it up again upon the ſame account, and with all the trouble, care, labour, vexations and diſquiets belonging thereunto.

Lord

In doing ſo, you will do very well.

Exeunt.

Scene 22.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria as being frightly ſick, and her Huſband Sir William Lovewell.

Lovewell

Heaven bleſs you wife, what makes you ſo extremely pale, and to ſeem ſo affrighted ?

Hypocon

O Husband I have an Impoſthume broken within me, and the bag will riſe and choke me.

Lovewell

Heaven forbid.

Hypocon

O I am choak’d, I am choak’d, I cannot fetch my breath.

She takes her breath very ſhort. Sir William Lovewell in a great fright calls for help. Enter ſome ſervants.

Lovewell

O ſend for Doctors ſtrait: for my wife is ready to die.

They go out running, he ſtanding by the Chair his Wife ſits in, trembling and quaking.

Lovewell

How are you, dear Wife ? how do you feel your ſelf now? how are you?

Hypocondria

O very ill; but yet me thinks I can fetch my breath a little better 437 Sssss1r 437 better than I could, I believe the Impoſthume-bag is fallen down: wherefore I will go to bed.

Lovewell

Pray do Wife.

He leads her out, and ſhe goeth ſoftly. Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chaſtity his Wife.

Sage

Sweet-heart, I was in your Bed-chamber, and in your Cabinet- chamber, and miſſing you in both, I was afraid I muſt have been forc’d to have hir’d a Cryer, to have proclamed my loſs.

Chaſtity

Many a Wife doth proclame her Husbands loſs without the help of a Cryer: for the Wives Adulterous Acts proclame her Husband a Cucold, and the loſs of his Honour.

Sage

But I am not afraid of that: for I am confident of thy Chaſtity (although the old ſaying is, Confidence makes Cuckolds.)

Chaſtity

Your confidence of me ſhall never harm you.

Sage

But your too ſerious ſtudies will harm your health; and if you be ſick, I cannot be well; beſides, it will decay your Beauty, waſte your Youth, like Oyl ſpent in a melancholy lamp, where Life is always blinking.

Chaſtity

It were better that my Body ſhould be ſick, than my Mind idle; by Beauty decay, than my Underſtanding periſh; by Youth waſte, than my Fame loſt; my Life blinking, than my Honour ſinking: for an idle Mind, not well imploy’d, creates a reſtless body, which runs from place to place, and hates to be at home. Thus Mind and Body both being out, extravagant Words and Actions run about, and Riot keeps poſſeſſion. And though the Beauty withers and decays, Yet Wit and Wiſedome with the ruine ſtays: And if the Youth doth waſte, and Life’s Oyl’s ſpent, Yet Fame laſts long, and builds a Monument: A melancholy life doth ſhadows caſt, But ſets forth Virtue, if they are well plac’d, Then who would entertain an idle Mirth, Begot by Vanity, and dies in ſcorn? Or proud, or pleas’d with Beauty, when the Birth Becomes the Grave or Tomb as ſoon as born? But Wiſedome wiſhes to be old and glad, When youthful Follies die, which ſeem as mad: If Age is ſubject to repent what’s paſt, Prudence and Experience redeems what’s loſt.

Sage

I perceive, Wife, the Muſes have kept you company, although you walk by your ſelf; but now I deſire you will leave their company for a time, and entertain mine.

Sſſſſ Chasſtity 438 Sssss1v 438

Chaſtity

With all my heart; but the Muſes are never with me, but when you are imploy’d about ſerious Affairs: for though they are my Viſiters; yet they are your Domeſtick Servants.

Exeunt.

Scene 24.

Enter Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and his Wife the Lady Diſagree.

Lady Diſagree

Dear Husband, where have you been?

Sir Hum. Diſagree

My dear kind Wife, I have been in the Garden, where I have heard little Robin Red-breaſt ſing.

Lady Diſagree

That’s a ſign, Sweet-heart, we ſhall have warm weather, otherwiſe they would come into the Houſe.

Sir Hum. Diſag

I had rather believe, my pretty Bird, we ſhall have cold weather: for they ſing always in the coldeſt time of the year, as in the depth of Winter.

Lady Diſagree

How ignorantly you ſpeak, good Husband, as if the Robin Redbreſt ſings onely in the cold Winter, and not in the warm Summer as well?

Sir Hum. Diſagree

Why not, good Wife, as well as Nightingals, which only ſing in the Spring, and Swallows in the heat of Summer?

Lady Diſagree

That doth not prove that the Robbin doth not ſing in Summer.

Sir Hum. Diſag

I have never heard the Robbin ſing in Summer.

Lady Diſagree

Your never hearing of it, is not ſufficient proof.

Sir Hum. Diſag

It is to me.

Lady Diſagree

To ſay it is, without a Reaſon, proves a Fool.

Sir Hum. Diſag

I only prov’d my ſelf a Fool in marying you.

Lady Diſagree

I was accurſt when firſt I gave conſent to be your Wife.

Sir Hum. Diſag

You were eaſily won.

Lady Diſagree

What, becauſe I conſented to a Knave that wooed?

Sir Hum. Diſag

You are a falſe woman, for calling me a Knave.

Lady Diſagree

You are a Cuckold, for calling me falſe.

Sir Hum. Diſag

Am I ſo, Miſtris? I will be ſure to thruſt my Horns thorough your Heart.

He offers to ſtrike her, ſhe get up a ſtool, and flings at him, he gets a cuſhion and flings at her, and then gets hold of her, ſhe cries out Murder, in comes their friends and ſervants, and parts them.

Sir Hum. Diſag

Dam me, I ’ll kill her.

Lady Diſagree

You’l be hang’d, will you?

Friend

Nay good Sir be not angry.

Servant

Good Madam go away, until my Maſters anger is paſs’d over.

Exeunt.
Act 439 Sssss2r 439

Act III.

Scene. 25.

Enter Sir Francis Inconſtant, alone, as being very melancholy.

Inconſtant

I will read this Letter once again, although it ſhakes my Soul, and makes me almoſt mad. He reads aloud the Letter. Sir,The wrongs you have done me, are more than Heaven can give me patience to endure; for which wrongs, may thick black clouds of Infamy overſpread your Memory; and may my Sorrows beat upon your Soul, as Northern Winds upon the Sea, and raiſe up all your thoughts in diſcontent, as raging billows, cauſing your voice to roar out loud with hideous noiſe, confounding all the Actions of your Life; and may your hopes be drown’d in the ſalt water of deſpairing Tears. The Heavens cannot condemn me for curſing a man which hath betray’d my Youth by Flattery, violated my Chaſtity by Proteſtations, tormented my harmleſs thoughts with Perjury, diſquieting my peaceful Life with Misfortunes. But the burthen of my Wrongs being too weighty for life to bear, hath ſunk it to the Grave, where I hope all my diſgrace will be buried with me, though not the revenges of my Wrongs; for thoſe will puniſh you when I am dead: For the Gods are juſt, although Mankind is not.

Enter Nic Adviſer, Sir Francis Inconſtants man.

Inconſtant

O Nick, what a Villain am I!

Adviſer

For what Sir?

Inconſtant

For Perjury and Murther : for I did not only break thoſe Bonds I had ſealed with holy Vows, but my Falſhood hath kill’d a fair young Lady: for ſhe hearing I had forſaken her, and was to be maried to another, ſhe dy’d for grief.

Adviſer

Alas Sir, we are all by Nature both frail and mortal: wherefore we muſt complain of Nature, of her Inconſtancy and Cruelty, in making our Minds ſo changeable, and our Bodies ſo weak, the one being ſubject to Death; the other ſubject to Variety. But Sir, in my Opinion, you have no cauſe to grieve, but rather to rejoyce: for what you have erred by Nature; you have repaired by Fortunes favour: for if that Lady which is dead, had lived, you would have been incumber’d with many troubles.

Inconſtant

As how Nick?

Adviſer

Why you would have been as a young Bear baited by two young Whelps; the forſaken Lady railing and exclaming againſt you in all Company ſhe came into, and your Wife tormenting you with ſharp words and loud noiſe, inſomuch as you would have neither eat, drank, or ſlept in quiet. Thus both abroad and at home you would have heard nothing but your own reproaches.

Sſſſſ2 In- 440 Sssss2v 440

Inconſtant

But ſhall not I be the ſame now ſhe is dead, think you?

Adviſer

No faith Sir: for Death hath ſtopt the mouth of the one, and Kiſses may chance to muzzle the mouth of the other; but if you be melancholy, your Lady will think you do repent, and will believe that you do prefer the memory of your dead Miſtris, before the enjoyment of your living Wife; beſides, women are ſo jealous, as they will not allow their Husbands to think (that makes them talk ſo much as they do) for they think Thoughts are Bauds to Adulterous Actions, and that Imaginations commit Fornication with the Ghoſts and Spirits of the dead.

Inconſtant

Well Nick I will take thy counſel, and caſt off melancholy, and be merry in Jovial Company,

Exeunt.

Scene 26.

Enter the Lady Jealouſie as holding her Head, and Sir Edward Courtly her Husband.

Courtly

What, are you ſick, Wife?

Jealouſie

I have ſuch a pain in my Head, as I am not able to look up, or to ſpeak.

Courtly

You ſhould take ſome Phyſick.

Jealouſie

I cannot take some Phyſick.

Courtly

You must take Phyſick if you be not well; but pray have a care you do not catch cold, for that will do you hurt. But I muſt be gone about my ſeveral Affairs: wherefore God be with you wife.

Sir Edward Courtly goes out. The Lady Jealouſie calls her Maid.

Jealouſie

Nan.

Maid

Madam?

Jealouſie

Go make me a White-wine Caudle.

Maid

I ſhall Madam.

Exeunt.

Scene 27.

Enter the Lady Chaſtity, and the Lady Procurer.

Procurer

Madam, I am not come upon my own Score, but upon a new one: for I am intreated, or rather commanded by a young Gentleman to kiſs your Ladiſhips hands, as from him who durſt not come to do it himſelf without your leave.

Chaſtity

Truly he ſhall never have leave from me.

Procurer

He begs that your Ladiſhip would give him leave to be your admiring Servant.

Chaſtity 441 Ttttt1r 441

Chaſtity

He may admire without my leave; and I wiſh I had Merits worth admiring.

Procurer

By my Troth, Madam, he is a moſt ſweet young Gentleman.

Chaſtity

Hath Nature perfum’d him, or Art?

Procurer

Both, Madam.

Chaſtity

That’s too much, and will be apt to give the Head-ach.

Procurer

O Madam, he is moſt deſperately in Love with your Ladyſhip.

Chaſtity

Pray Heaven, Madam, he doth not hang himſelf before my door!

Procurer

’Faith Madam, it is to be fear’d he will do ſome violent Act upon himſelf, unleſs you pity him.

Chaſtity

Is he in diſtreſs?

Procurer

As much as Love can make him.

Chaſtity

How ſhould I help him, Madam?

Procurer

Nothing can help him but Love’s Returns in kind Imbracements.

Chaſtity

Would you have me a maried Wife, imbrace an Amorous Lover?

Procurer

O Madam, ſtolen pleaſures are ſweet, and Mariage is a Cloak to hide Love’s meetings.

Chaſtity

And can it hide the ſin from the Gods, and the falſhood from my Husband, as well as from the World? But let me tell you, the World is quick-ſighted as to Particulars, though blind as to the General, complaining againſt ſingle crimes, yet never helps to mend them.

Procurer

’Faith Madam, the Gods eaſily pardon natural faults, and Huſbands dare not ſpy them, at leaſt not to divulge them; and the World cenſures all the Virtuous as much as the Wicked, and the Chaſte as much as the Wanton; beſides, you are excuſable, being maried to an antient man.

Chaſtity

Doth Age deſerve no Love?

Procurer

’Faith little: for Love wears out with Time, and Age wears out of Love; and if you ſaid you did love your Husband, no body would believe you: for who can think you that are young and fair, can love a man that’s old?

Chaſtity

By Heaven I never thought my Husband old: for he doth appear to me to be juſt at Maturity, adorned with all the Graces.

Procurer

Surely you do not think his ſilver Hair Apollo’s Locks!

Chaſtity

No; but I think them Palas’s his Head-peece.

Procurer

Nor can you think his hollow Eyes, that’s ſunk into his Head, are Cupids golden Arrows?

Chaſtity

No; but I think them Minerva’s Loom, which hath inter-weav’d ſeveral Objects, making various and moſt curious works of Knowledge, and of Wit, where Judgment in the midſt is plac’d, and Underſtanding borders it.

Procurer

And can you think his ſhoulders, bent by weak old Age, are Cupids Bow?

Chaſtity

No; but I can think it’s like a Bank ſwell’d out by Generoſity, to bear Neceſſities burdens on; or elſe a heap of Noble Deeds, rais’d by Heroick Actions, whereon Fame ſits in Triumph, and blows his praiſe abroad, that all the World may hear it.

Procurer

I will never believe you can think the furrows in this face, Ttttt plough’d 442 Ttttt1v 442 plough’d up by Time, as ſmooth as waters be when in a calm.

Chaſtity

No; but I can think them Tracks or Paths made by Experience, in which walks Prudence, Fortitude, Juſtice, and Temperance: And though you ſtrive to make my Husband ſeem much older than he is, yet I believe that neither Time nor Age hath power over him: for to my ſight his Skin is as ſmooth as Light, his Eyes as darting as Apollo’s Beams, his Body is as ſtraight as Serzes Wand, able to charm the youngeſt ſhe, and turn her all to Love; his Strength is active, and his Spirits quick, to carry Arms, or fight his Enemmies; and for his Brain, ’tis equally temper’d, not burnt with heat, nor frozen up with cold; nor are his Sinews out of tune by ſlacken’d Nerves, but juſt ſet to Lifes Harmony, Strength ſtrings the Cords, and Health doth keep juſt Time.

Procurer

Ha, ha, ha, ſweet Lady, your love hath made him a moſt Heavenly Creature.

Chaſtity

Foul Devil, that ſeeks for to corrupt the Mariage-bed with falſe Diſpraiſe, and flattering Inſinuations, carrying fond Loves recommendations from Ear to Ear! Youth being credulous, they are ſoon receiv’d, which you perceiving, ſtrait ſtrive to ſow in tender hearts Loves Amorous Paſſions, from whence Adultery doth grow, and Vices do increaſe. You a Lady, a Bawd. O that Honour, the mark of Merit, ſhould be plac’d on ſuch baſe ſubjects as you are! Be gone, ſuch Bawds as you are not only able to diſorder a private Family, but to ruine a whole Kingdome; you are worſe than Witches, and do more miſchief.

Lady Chaſtity goes out. Lady Procurer alone.

Procurer

O that I had that power, to make her Husband ſo jealous, as he might hate her!

Exit.

Scene 28.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and Sir William Lovewell.

Hypocondria

O Husband, I am a dead woman: for all my ſide is numb, nay in a dead Palſie, I cannot feel my Arm.

Lovewell

Heaven forbid: let me rub your Arm. He rubs her Arm. But Wife, if it were dead, you could not move it, and you can move it, can you not?

Hypocondria

Yes, but very weakly.

Lovewell

Wrap it up with warm cloaths, until ſuch time as the Doctor can be ſent for. Come into your Chamber, and I will ſend for the Doctor ſtrait.

Hypocon

No, pray do not ſend for the Doctor now: for with your rubbing my Arm, you have brought the lively ſpirits into it again.

Love- 443 Ttttt2r 443

Lovewell

I am glad of it; but pray keep your bed.

Exeunt.

Scene 29.

Enter the Lady Jealouſies Waiting-Gentlewoman, and her Chamber-maid.

Gentlewoman

My Lady doth not like her Caudle: wherefore ſhe will have a Sack-poſſet made her.

Chambermaid

Not like it? why ſhe eat a great porrenger of it:

Gentlewoman

That’s all one, my Lady did not like it; and therefore you muſt make a Sack-poſſet,

Chambermaid

What fault found ſhe with it?

Gentlewoman

She did not expreſs her particular diſlike, but in the general.

Chambermaid

Well, I ſhall make her a Poſſet ſtrait.

Exeunt.

Scene 30.

Enter two ſervant-maids of the Lady Diſagrees.

1 Maid

Heaven be thanked, my Maſter and Lady are perfectly friends again: for ſhe ſits in his lap, and he kiſſes her very lovingly. Lord, what a diſquietous houſe have we had!

Sir Humphry and his Lady make a noiſe within, as being fallen out again.

2 Maid

Hark, what noiſe is that? They hearken, and hear the Shovel and Tongs flung about. Juno bleſs us, I think they’l fling the houſe out at the windows.

The Lady calls for help.

1 Maid

Run, run Jane, they are fallen out again, and will kill each other.

2 Maid

O call the Chaplin to part them: for we ſhall never do it: Call him, call him.

Exeunt Maids in a frighted haſte.
Ttttt2 Scene 444 Ttttt2v 444

Scene 31.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria’s Maid in a frighted haſte: And enter Roger Truſty, Sir William Lovewel’s Man.

Maid

O Truſty, where is my Maſter? my Lady is ſo ill, as we think ſhe’ll die: for ſhe ſaith that ſhe is an Apoplexy.

Truſty

If ſhe were in an Apoplexy, ſhe could not ſpeak.

Maid

Hold thy prating, Fool: for hers is a ſpeaking Apoplexy.

Truſty

You are a Slut for calling me Fool.

Maid

You are a Knave for calling me Slut.

Truſty

Am I ſo? there’s for you for calling me Knave.

He kicks her, ſhe cries out; in comes more ſervants: Then follows the Lady Hypocondria running after them.

Hypocondria

What in the name of Juno is the matter? what Thieves are enter’d? or is my houſe on fire?

2 Maid

No Madam, only Roger and Joan are beating one another.

Hypocondria

May the Devil beat them for frighting me ſo.

Enter Sir William Lovewell.

Lovewell

My dear Wife, what is the cauſe you ſent for me in ſuch haſte?

Hypocondria

O Husband, I was dying of an Apoplexie, my Spirits were ſtopt, and my Brain was ſmother’d in a cloud of groſs vapours; but your Man and my Maid falling out, they fell a beating each other, and ſhe crying out for help, did ſo affright me, as I came running hither, thinking Thieves had broken in, or Fire had broken out of our houſe, which fright hath unſtopt the Sluce-paſſages, and diſpers’d the Vapour.

Lovewell

I perceive a bad Cauſe may ſometimes produce a good Effect, if their fighting hath cured you.

Hypocondria

Yes; but I will turn away my Maid, for crying, and quarrelling, and making ſuch a noiſe.

Lovewell

That were unjust: for ſhould the ſick Patient, that had been ſick to death, when he was reſtored to health, baniſh the Phyſician that reſtored him, without a Fee? No, he ought to have his Fee doubl’d or trebl’d, ſo you ought not onely to keep your Maid, but to double or treble her wages.

Truſty

It were more juſt to treble my wages than hers; for I was the cauſe of the Out-cry: for when I beat her, ſhe roared, and her voice thorough her throat, made as great a rumbling noiſe, as a foul chimney ſet on fire, and in my Conſcience as much ſooty flegm fell from her head, as from a Cooks Chimney; and when ſhe ſcolded, her words were ſo harſh, as they creakt juſt ſo as when a door is taken off the hinges, which made my Lady ſtrait apprehend either Fire, or Thieves, or both.

Lovewell

No, you deſerve nothing, by reaſon a man ought not to ſtrike a woman.

Roger 445 Vvvvv1r 441445

Roger Truſty

Why Sir? ſhe would ſooner have been hang’d about my neck, than have cried, if I had kiſs’d her inſtead of kicking her.

Lovewell

Hold your prating, and learn to be civiller to women.

Exeunt all but Roger and Joan.

Truſty

If I had kiſs’d you, Joan, as I perceive my Maſter would have had me done, you had been ſilent, and in your ſilence my Lady would have died, and then my Maſter had been a luſty Widower, and a free Wooer, and a freſh man, as one may ſay, where now he is bound to a ſickly Wife; and this is the reaſon my Maſter would not increaſe my wages: which if I had kiſs’d you, I had been inriched by my Maſters favour: wherefore Joan, I will kiſs thee, but kick thee no more.

Joan

Go hang your ſelf, it is too late now, you ſhould have kiſs’d me before.

Exeunt.

Act IV.

Scene. 32.

Enter the Waiting-woman and Chambermaid of the Lady Jealouſie.

Gentlewoman

You are a ſtrange wench, to make the Poſſet-curd ſo tough, that now my Lady hath eat it, it lies ſo hard, ſo hard in her ſtomach, as it cannot digeſt

Maid

Tough, ſay you? I am ſure to my taſte it was as tender as Cream.

Gentlewoman

Well, in my Ladies ſtomach it proves as hard as ſtone: wherefore you muſt go and burn ſome Claret-wine for her, with Cloves, Mace, and Nutmegs, and make it very ſweet with fine loaf-ſugar, preſently, preſently.

Maid

But if my Lady hath one meat after another ſo quick, ſhe will not be able to hold all in her ſtomach, by reaſon her ſtomach muſt of neceſſity overflow.

Gentlewoman

If the wine make her ſtomach to overflow, it will be like waſhing the mouth, and rubbing the teeth after meat, the which will ſcour her ſtomach clean.

Maid

Nay, if the ſtomach be not ſcour’d and cleans’d ſomtimes, it would be very foul, by reaſon it is ſo often us’d.

Gentlewoman

And if it be ſcour’d too often, it will wear it out, as the Learned ſay: But Nan, go your ways and burn the wine, otherwiſe my Lady will chide.

Exeunt.
Vvvvv Scene 446 Vvvvv1v 446

Scene 33.

Enter Monſieur Amorous, and the Lady Procuurer, as Viſitants to the Lady Wanton.

Lady Procurer

Well Monſieur Amorous, now I have brought you to this Lady, I will leave you to make your Complements, the whilſt I will go, Madam, to your woman, to Miſtris Watcher, and chide her for not ſending me that you promis’d me.

Wanton

She is much aſham’d for her forgetfulneſs, and had rather die than ſee you.

Exit Lady Procurer. Monsieur Amorous ſeems to ſtagger, as being weak and faint, almoſt ready to fall into a Swoun; then takes his handkerchief, and wipes his face, as if he did ſweat.

Wanton

Are you not well Sir?

Amorous

A ſudden paſſion hath ſurrounded my Heart, and hath ſurprized my Senſes, ſending out cold damp ſweats over all my body.

Wanton

Sir, will you drink any cordial water?

He kiſſes her hand.

Amorous

Lady, it was your Beauty that ſtruck me with a trembling fear, and made my ſpirits faint; but this delicious kiſs that I have taken from your hand, reſtores me more, and gives me greater ſtrength than all the Spirits Chymiſts can extract.

Wanton

I perceive now it was a diſſembling fit, and not a real ſickneſs.

Amorous

Miſconſtrue not my Admirations and Affections, which do adore and worſhip you.

Wanton

If we women ſhould believe the words of men, they would make us more conceited of our ſelves than yet we are.

Amorous

There are not thoughts to equal your great Beauty, nor words for to expreſs it.

Enter the Lady Procurer in great haſte.

Procurer

Madam, Madam, your Husband is comming, your Husband is comming.

Wanton

For Venus ſake ſtay by me, Madam, that my Husband may ſee I have a woman in my company.

Enter Sir Thomas Cuckold, Sir Thomas and Monſieur Amorous congee to one another.

Amorous

Sir, my ambition grew impatient to be acquainted, and to render my ſelf, and offer my ſervice to you Sir.

Cuckold

Sir, I am your moſt humble Servant, and ſhall ſtrive by all the ways I can to appear worthy your favours.

The 447 Vvvvv2r 447 The Ladies ſpeak familiarly.

Wanton

Lord, Lady Procurer, how are you dreſt to day in a moſt careleſs faſhion?

Procurer

It is the mode, it is the mode to go undreſt,

Cuckold

Wife, this is not a fit room to entertain this noble Gentleman, Sir, will you be pleas’d to walk into another room?

Amorous

All rooms are fine Sir, where you and your Virtuous Lady are.

Exeunt Sir Thomas Cuckold and Monſieur Amorous.

Procurer

’Faith if I had not come running in before your Husband, he had catch’d you.

Lady Wanton claps the Lady Procurer on the cloaths.

Wanton

’Faith Procurer, thou art ſuch another Lady-wag, as all the Town cannot match thee.

Procurer

I was, I was, but now I am grown old, I am grown old; but I was born to do good Offices.

Exeunt.

Scene 34.

Enter two Maids of the Lady Poverty’s.

1 Maid

I wonder my Lady is able to ſtay in the room with my Maſter: his vomiting hath ſo fumed the room, as there is ſuch a ſtink, that by my troth I am almoſt ſtrangled with the ſmell of the corrupted drink.

2 Maid

Alas poor Lady! ſhe is forc’d to ſtay for fear he ſhould be outragious in his drunken humour: for if ſhe ſtirs or ſpeaks, he ſwears as if he would draw the Devils out of Hell.

1 Maid

Hell is not ſo bad, as to be where he is now he is drunk.

Enter another Maid.

3 Maid

My Maſter is aſleep, and my Lady would have you make leſſe noiſe, and not to talk ſo loud, for fear you ſhould awake him.

1 Maid

If he be aſleep, we may make what noiſe we will or can make, he will not wake until ſuch time as the fume or vapour of wine be out of his head, no ſound can enter: But I wonder my Lady will take ſuch care of him, when he hath no reſpect to her, but transforms himſelf from a man to beaſt every day; indeed ſhe ſees him only a beaſt, not a man: for before he is wholy ſober, he riſes to go to a Tavern to be drunk again.

2 Maid

If my Maſter transforms himſelf into a beaſt ere that he comes to my Lady, he imitates Jove: for he transform’d himſelf into a Bull for the ſake of fair Europa.

1 Maid

But not into a drunken roaring Bull as my Maſter is.

3 Maid

’Faith if I were my Lady, I would hold by his Horns, and then let him roar, and drink, and whore as much as he will.

Vvvvv2 1 Maid 448 Vvvvv2v 444448

1 Maid

Yes, ſo ſhe might chance to be drench’d in a Bathing-tub, as Europa in the Sea.

Exeunt.

Scene 35.

Enter Nan the Lady Jealouſies Chamber-maid, and her Maſter Sir Henry Courtly meets her, and kiſſes her. Enter the Lady Jealouſie, and ſees him.

Lady Jealouſie

So Husband, I perceive Nan is in your favour.

Nan runs out of the room.

Courtly

’Faith Wife Nan is a careful and induſtrious Wench: for ſhe ſtrives to ſerve us both, for ſhe makes you caudles and feeds me with kiſſes.

Lady Jealouſie

Or rather Husband you feed Nan, and Nan feeds me.

Courtly

Faith the truth is I feed you both.

Lady Jealouſie

But Nan hath the greateſt ſhare, that makes her ſo proud, and I ſo ſickly; But ſince you are ſo liberal to her, and ſo ſparing to me, I will board elſewhere, and ſo as I may carve where I like beſt.

Courtly

Sure Wife you will not.

Lady Jealousie

Surely Husband I will do my endeavour.

Courtly

What to be a Whore?

Lady Jealouſie

Yes, if being a whore will make you a Cuckold.

Exeunt.

Scene. 36.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria and her Maid.

Lady Hypocondria

My Husband hath been a long time abroad, pray Jove he be ſafe, if he ſhould chance to have a quarrel and fight, a hundred to one but he is killd: for otherwiſe he would have come home; do you think he is well Joan?

Maid

You need not fear, for my maſter is of ſo civil a behaviour, and of ſo ſweet a diſpoſition, as he can have no enemies.

Lady Hypocon

O But he is a man that is very valiant, and one that is very ſenſible of diſgrace, and affronts.

Maid

Truly I believe you have no reaſon to fear.

Lady Hypocon

Do you but believe ſo, nay then you doubt, and therefore I know he is kill’d and I will go and find out the murtherer, and kill him my ſelf.

The Lady Hypocondria offers to run out of the room, as in a frighted paſſion, the maid ſtops her. Maid. 449 Xxxxx1r 449

Maid

My Noble Lady, do not run in this paſſion: for all the idle ment and women, and boyes, and girles will run after you, as thinking you mad; for they make no difference betwixt melancholy, and madneſſe.

Lady Hypocon

I am not able to overcome this fear, I ſhall die.

Maid

Pray ſtay and ſend out one of your men to inquire where he is.

Lady Hypocon

Call Roger Truſty.

The Maid goes out. The Lady alone.

Lady Hypoco

O You defendant Gods aſſiſt my Husband.

Enter Joan, and Roger Truſty.

Lady Hypocon

Truſty go preſently, and ſeek out your maſter, and bring me word where he is, and how he doth, and be ſure if you ſee a grim look’t fellow near him, that you ſtir not from your Maſter, but wait upon him home, for fear ſome trechery ſhould beſet him.

Truſty

Who ſhall bring you word of his health, or ſickneſſe, life, or death?

Lady Hypocon

Death you ſay, O you have heard he is kill’d.

Truſty

By Pluto I have heard no ſuch thing.

Lady Hypocon

Why do you talk of death then?

Truſty

Becauſe you ſend me to know whether he be dead, or alive.

Lady Hypocon

That is true, wherefore let one of the Foot-boyes go along with you to bring me an anſwer; but be ſure you ſtay with your Maſter.

Truſty

I ſhall.

Lady Hypocon

Make all the hasſte you can to find him.

Exeunt.

Scene 37.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chaſtity.

Sir Hen. Sage

Is the Lady Procurer a Baud ſay you?

Lady Chaſtity

A perfect one I think: for ſhe pleaded as earneſtly, as Lawyers for a fee.

Sir Hen. Sage

No doubt, but ſhe hath as much reaſon: for ſure ſhe doth it for gain, not out of love to wicked baſeneſſe; but I believe poverty perſwades her, or rather inforces her.

Chaſtity

No ſurely, it is an inborn, or at leaſt an inbred baſeneſs: for neither death, nor torments can inforce, nor riches nor preferrments allure a noble mind to ſuch baſe acts; but ſome are ſo unworthy, or rather wicked, as to delight to intice, and to pervert all they can get acquaintance with.

Sir Hen. Sage

And ſome doe it to hide their own faults, thinking to bury them under the vices of others, or ſmother them in the preſſe of a multitude: but let me adviſe you not to entertain her company any more.

Chaſtity

I believe ſhe will not viſit me again.

Xxxxx Exeunt. 450 Xxxxx1v 450

Scene 38.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and one of her women.

Lady Sprightly

Lord, Lord, this naſty love, or rather this beaſtly luſt that doth corrupt all good manners, as gentle civility, free ſociety, lawfull recreations, honeſt friendſhip, natural affections; it cuts off the feet of obedience, it breaks the knees of duty, it wounds the breaſt of fidelity, it pulls out the heart of loyalty; it turns away prudence, it baniſhes temperance, and murthers juſtice; it breaks peace and makes warrs, and turns arms into petticoats. O ſweet pure Chaſtity, how amiable thou art, how beautifull thou appearſt in women, how heroick in men: for Chaſt women have ſuch innocent thoughts, ſuch pure, clean, clear, white, immaculate minds, ſuch modeſt countenances, ſuch gentle behaviour, ſuch civil diſcourſes, ſuch noble actions, ſuch diſcreet entertainments, ſuch cautionarie recreations; otherwiſe they are bold, impudent, rude, ſlanting, ranting, romping women: alſo Chaſtity in men makes them heroick, for propriety, juſtice, conſtancy, and natural and honeſt love is the baſis, pillars, or foundation whereon true valour is built, when amorous affections make men effeminate, cauſing them to caſt away their hard iron arms to lie in the ſoft arms of beauty, and ſtops their eares from loud alarums, with charming notes of Muſick, it takes them from being maſters of themſelves, and others, and makes them become ſervants, and ſlaves; from commanding an Army to be commanded by ſingle women, by whom he is checkt like a ſchool-boy, lead like a dog in a ſtring, as after his miſtriſſes humours, her frown makes him crouch like a cur, her ſmiles make him skip, and make faces like a Jack-anapes, and their beaſtly appetites make them ſo rude, and wilde, as they regard no civility of behaviour, no gentleneſs of diſpoſition, no conſtancy of affection, they keep no friendſhip, conſtancy, or vowes, they break all decent cuſtoms, and diſobey all honeſt laws; but this is a theam too wilde to be preacht on.

Gentlewoman

Why Madam, my Lord your father may be a very chaſt man although he lieth with his maid, if he hath made her his wife before he made her his bedfellow.

Lady Sprightly

His wife? he ſcorns the thought, and hates the act.

Gentlewoman

Pardon me Madam, if I offer to lay a wager of it.

Lady Sprightly

Are you ſo confident that you dare lay a wager?

Gentlewoman

If you inquire more I believe you will find it to be true.

Exeunt.
Act 451 Xxxxx2r 451

Act V.

Scene 39.

Enter the Lady Chaſtity, and her woman gives her a letter. Lady reads the Letter.

Lady Chaſtity

Who brought this letter?

Woman

A kind of a Gentleman ſervingman.

Chaſtity

Pray receive no more letters from that man.

Woman

He ſaid he would come in the evening to receive an anſwer.

Chaſtity

If he comes, tell him it needs no anſwer.

Enter Sir Henry Sage.

Chaſtity

Husband, will you read a Love letter?

Sir Hen. Sage

From whence comes it, and to whom is it ſent?

Chaſtity

You will ſoon find from whence it comes, and to whom it is ſent.

He reads it.

Sir Hen. Sage

So wife, I perceive I am in danger to be made a Cuckold.

Chaſtity

Doth the letter beget your faith to that opinion?

Sir Hen. Sage

But the praiſes, and profeſſions this letter brings you, raiſes ſcruples, and thoſe ſcruples beget controverſies, and thoſe controverſies may in time make a convert.

Chaſtity

Rather a pervert Husband; but be you conſtant, and I will warrant you ſafe.

Sir Hen. Sage

But Youth and Beauty wife, when they plead, are greater Bawds, and have a more perſwaſive power than the Lady Procurer.

Chaſtity

Truly all three, Beauty, Youth, or the Lady Procurer, rather than perſwade me, would divert me, had I a wanton nature; as firſt, for the Lady Procurer her baſeneſs appeared ſuch as made me hate my ſelf for being of the ſame ſex ſhe was of, and grieved me to ſee the follies of mankind, the one appearing like a Devil, the other like a beaſt, ſo ſeem’d the Lover and the Bawd, when men have Reaſon to govern, as much as Appetite to perſwade, the one proceeding from the Soul, the other from the body; beſides, Virtue is the Natural Complexion of the Soul, not Vice: for Vice is bred, not born in man: As for Youth, it is ſo fantaſtical, extravagant, wilde, and ſelf-opinionated, doing ſuch ridiculous Actions, putting themſelves into ſuch affected Poſtures, as I might be as ſoon enamour’d with a Jack-anapes: Beſides, the diſcourſes of Youth are ſo flaſhy, as it gives the hearers no reliſh; and their Judgment is ſo ſhallow, and their Underſtanding ſo myſty, as when Reaſon diſcourſes with them, it is apt to be loſt in the darkneſs of Ignorance. Laſtly, for Beauty in men, it is worſe than unhanſomeneſs in women: for an ill-favour’d woman ſeems maſculine, as if ſhe had an Heroick Spirit, Xxxxx2 though 452 Xxxxx2v 452 though ſhe were a Coward; to have a judicious Underſtanding, though ſhe ſhould be a Fool; to be Chaſte, although ſhe were Wanton; when on the contrary, a beautiful man appears Effeminate, Fooliſh, and Cowardly, when (perchance) he may be Wiſe and Valiant, yet ’tis Beauty makes him ſeem otherwiſe; and (for the moſt part) a beautiful man is more nice and curious about his perſon, as in his cloathing, dreſſing, trimming, perfuming, powdering, curling, and ſome will pomate and paint themſelves, all which ſeems to me prepoſterous to men, inſomuch as I could as ſoon be amorouſly affected with my own Sex, as thoſe that are accounted beautiful men; and you might ſooner be jealous of Age than Youth, with a Sun-burnt face and a wither’d skin, than a face that looks as if it had not ſeen the Sun, or the Sun it, nor felt the nipping Froſt nor parching Wind; but I hope you have a better opinion of your ſelf than to be jealous, as to think I can like any man better, or ſo well as you: And if you have not ſo good an opinion of me, as to believe I am conſtantly honeſt, yet I have ſuch an aſſurance of my ſelf, as to know I am not liable to be corrupted, and I am ſo Chaſte, as I have not a thought ſubject to ſully the purity of my chaſte Mind and honeſt Heart.

Sage

I believe you.

Exeunt.

Scene 40.

Enter Roger Truſty, as to his Maſter Sir William Lovewell.

Lovewell

What is the matter, Roger, that you are come?

Truſty

And’t pleaſe your Worſhip, my Lady hath ſent me to know how your Worſhip is in health.

Lovewell

Why very well. How does ſhe?

Truſty

She’s well, but that ſhe’s afraid your Worſhip’s kill’d.

Lovewell

If I were kill’d, I were paſt ſickneſs or health. But who ſhould kill me?

Truſty

Nay that her Ladyſhip could not gueſs.

Lovewell

Return home to your Lady, and tell her I ſhall be with her within an hour.

Truſty

I dare not leave your Worſhip: for ſhe hath ſent me to guard and protect you from all harm, and to fight in your quarrel, and hath ſent one of the Foot-boys to bring her word how your Worſhip doth.

Lovewell

Go you and return back, and tell your Lady from me, that Honeſty, Civility, and Courage, is a ſufficient Guard and Protection; if not, then my Sword, and my Skill to uſe it, will fight, and maintain my quarrel.

Truſty

If I ſhould go home with that Meſſage, you would find her dead at your return.

Lovewell

Why ſo?

Truſty

Why Sir, the very name of a Sword will kill her: I wonder your Worſhip ſhould forget it, and knows her humour ſo well.

Lovewell

Yes, I know ſhe hath a ſweet Humour, and a tender Nature: wherefore return home without any more prating, and tell her that I am ſafe, and in very good health. Run all the way.

Scene 453 Yyyyy1r 453

Scene 41.

Enter Sir Edward Courtly, and his Wife the Lady Jealouſie.

Courtly

Wife, you may win me from the imbracing of other women, if you have Diſcretion and Chaſtity anſwerable to your Wit and Beauty.

Jealouſie

But I perceive men love variety; and if ſo, had I the Beauty of Venus, and the wit of Mercury, the Wiſedom of Pallas, and the Chaſtity of Diana, you would be like Jupiter still, and make love to mortals, which are common Wenches: But do not think I will do as Juno did, as to torment my ſelf with vexing and fretting for that which I cannot mend or help; but I will pleaſe my ſelf with variety as much as you, and in the clouds of night will hide my Self and Lovers.

Courtly

’Faith Wife I ſhall diſſolve your Clouds into ſhowers of Tears, and ſtrike your Lover with my Thunder-bolt, which is my Poniard: But Wife, let me adviſe you to be as you ought to be, a good Wife: for, as I will not incroach upon my Wifes Prerogative, ſo Wife, you ſhall not incroach upon mine, being your Husband.

Jealouſie

You will not give me leave to have the variety of Courting Servants; yet you will take the liberty of variety to Court ſeveral Miſtreſſes.

Courtly

It is part of my Prerogative.

Jealouſie

What, to have whores?

Courtly

Yes; and its part of the Wifes duty which ſhe owes to her Huſband, to be content.

Jealouſie

She is not bound to that duty.

Courtly

She is bound to obey all duties: for the fundamental Laws in Mariage, are for the Husband to rule, the Wife to obey; the Husband to cheriſh, the Wife to love; the Husband to be Valiant to defend and protect her, the Wife to be Chaſte, to ſuffer and ſubmit; and when I leave to Command, you may leave for to Obey; when I leave to Cheriſh, you may leave to Love; when I am a Coward, you may be a Whore: for when I baſely part with my Honour, you are not bound to keep it; but until I do part with my Honour, I charge you to keep it as you would do your life.

Jealouſie

By theſe Rules maried men are not bound to be conſtant.

Courtly

Yes, to the Sex, but not to his Wife, in the caſe of Amorous Imbracements: for a Husband hath liberty for variety, but the Wife is reſtrain’d to one.

Jealouſie

Theſe are Laws that neither the Gods nor Nature have preſcribed, but only impartial men which make what Laws they pleaſe.

Courtly

Nature taught men to make them for propriety-ſake, and Gods command men to keep them, and that men ſhould do their endeavour to force the Effeminate Sex to obey and practiſe them ſtrictly, for the ſake of Civil Common-wealths, wherein the Gods are beſt ſerv’d.

Jealouſie

But women are not ſuch Fools, to be forc’d, ſuch Aſſes, to bear ſuch intollerable burdens of Troubles, Vexations, Croſſes, and Neglects from their Husbands and their Whores.

Courtly

Women are beſt pleas’d when they are made Aſſes.

Yyyyy Jealouſie 454 Yyyyy1v 454

Jealouſie

Indeed Husbands make Aſſes of their Wives; but in faith you ſhall not make one of me.

Exeunt.

Scene. 42.

Enter two Maids of the Lady Poverties.

1Maid

My poor Lady ſits ſo melancholy, and ſighs and weeps, as it grieves my Soul to ſee her.

2 Maid

Can you blame her, when ſhe and her children muſt go a begging, or ſit and ſtarve: for my Maſter hath ſold moſt of his Eſtate at ſeveral times, and hath ſpent the money in Drink and Whores, and hath loſt it at play: and now he hath ſent for all his Plate to play away, her Jewels were pawn’d before.

1 Maid

But when all is loſt and ſpent, he will be forc’d to be a good Husband.

2 Maid

When all is gone, it will not be in his power: for none can be good Husbands as concerning Husbandry, when they have nothing to Huſband.

1 Maid

The beſt of it is, he will ſuffer as much as my Lady.

2 Maid

No faith: for he will rook, and ſhark, and cheat, and baud, to get a poor living, when ſhe, poor Lady, muſt work hard for her Living.

1 Maid

Alas ſhe cannot work.

2 Maid

Then ſhe muſt get ſome acquaintance, and turn Lady Bawd, and ſhew Ladies how to dreſs themſelves, and ſell paint, pomatoms, wax-gloves, oyl’d-masks, and the like Commodities privately; or elſe ſhe muſt pretend Skill in Chirurgery or Phyſick, and to make Plaiſters, Salves, Oyntments, and the like, or make Cordial Powders, or Cordial Waters, and other waters and powders; then perſwade old Ladies to take thereof, telling them thoſe will make them look as young as one of fifteen.

1 Maid

But thoſe things require coſt to make them.

2 Maid

No ’faith, there requires not much charge: for Paint, Pomatom, and the like Commodities, will ſell at any price, and will be make at a little charge: and for Salves and Plaiſters, and Oyls and Oyntments, Hogsgreaſe, Turpentine, and Bole-Armonike, ſerves for all ſorts of thoſe things, and Bread, and Meal, and Milk, and ſome chopt Herbs, and Sallet-oyl, ſerves for all Pulteſſes; and for Cordial Powders, ſome hot Seeds as Anniſeed, Caroway-ſeed, Coriander-ſeed, and the like Seeds, with ſome powder of Liquoras, and beaten Spices, with ſome ſorts of Gums, as Maſtick, Myrrh, and the like, will ſerve their turn.

1 Maid

But Cordial Powders are made of Pearl, Amber, Corall, and the like.

2 Maid

’Faith a little powder of poſts ſerves as well: for they cannot be diſtinguiſh’d by their taſte; but howſoever, it is but putting a grain of Musk and Ambergreaſe, and inſtead of Amber, Coral, and Pearl, ’tis but poudring ſome ſhav’d Harts-horn and Chiny, and they will ſerve as well, and (perchance work as good Effects:) Indeed Cordial Waters are chargeable to make 455 Yyyyy2r 455 make: for they require fire to diſtill them; but there is ſome remedy for that: for it is but buying ſeveral ſorts of ordinary hot waters, and mix them together, ſo as no one of the waters may predominate in taſte, and it will paſs for rare extracted Spirits, ſo as ſhe ſhall never need to venture to diſtill, or lay out money, but juſt for the preſent to fetch it from thoſe that fell Aqua- vitæ, Roſaſolus, and the like, which may be had at a cheap rate, and ſhe may ſell them at a great price.

1 Maid

But what ſhall become of the poor young Children?

2 Maid

Why, he rooking, and ſhe bawding, may make a ſhift to feed them with bread: and thoſe two Trades will never fail as long as Mankind laſts: for Whoring and Knaving will laſt till Doomſ-day, or for ever.

1 Maid

But Urſly, my Lady hath given us warning to be gone: wherefore we muſt ſeek out new ſervices.

2 Maid

My Lady is ſo good a Lady, as I wiſh to ſerve her ſo as to maintain her, ſince ſhe is not able to maintain a ſervant.

1 Maid

But ſince we cannot maintain her, nor ſhe us, we muſt leave her.

Exeunt.

Scene 43.

Enter Roger Truſty to his Lady all in a ſweat running: ſhe ſeeing him come in ſuch haſte, cries out.

Hypocondria

O help me, help me, you merciful Powers, to deſtroy me, and let me not outlive my Husband.

Truſty

’Tis like the Gods will hear your prayers: for ten to one my Maſter out-lives you.

Hypocon

Why, is he alive?

Truſty

Yes, and alive’s like.

Hypocon

What makes you ſweat ſo?

Truſty

To bring you the good news of his well-bing, and to prove the old Proverb a Lyar, which ſayes, Bad Newes hath wings, and good Newes no legs.

Hypocon

Where did you meet your Maſter?

Truſty

In Weſtminſter-Hall.

Hypocon

How did he look?

Truſty

Healthful and well.

Hypocon

Did he ſeem angry or pleas’d, merry or ſad?

Truſty

Why he neither ſeem’d angry nor pleas’d, merry nor ſad, which I wonder’d at: for in Lawyers Courts, and places of Judicature, I never ſaw any face but was cloathed with a merry green countenance, or a ſad black countenance, or a red cholerick face, or a pale malicious face; but my Maſters face appeard like naked Truth, and clean Temperance, waſh’d white with Innocency, being plump with health, and ſmooth with plenty.

Hypocon

But why did you leave him?

Truſty

Why he commanded me ſo to doe, and to run every ſtep, to tell you he was comming home, and I choſe as the wiſeſt to run, althoughYyyyy2 though 456 Yyyyy2v 456 though I ſweat for it, than ſtay and have a broken Head.

Hypocon

Well, I give you here a twenty-ſhilling-piece to dry your ſweat with a cup of Sack.

Exit Lady.

Truſty

May all my labours be rewarded thus.

Maid Joan

I perceive you take the gift as a due reward, and not as my Ladies bounty.

Truſty

Hold your prating: what need we thank the Gods, if Saints merit Heaven?

Exeunt.

Scene 44.

Enter the Lady Sprightly, and the Lord Widower her Father.

Lady Sprightly

Sir, I deſire you would not think me undutiful to ask you a queſtion: for I hope I am not ſo much in your disfavour, as not to reſolve me, ſince it is in your power.

Widower

Well, what is’t that you would know?

Sprightly

Whether you are maried, or not?

Widower

What if I am? Mariage is lawful.

Sprightly

Yes Sir, but I doubt whether it be honourable or not: for ’tis ſaid you are maried to my Chamber-maid Dol Subtilty.

Widower

Perchance I am.

Sprightly

Then I deſire your Lordſhip will let me marry too.

Widower

With all my heart, and I ſhall do my part towards thy mariage; but to whom would you be maried?

Sprightly

Your Butler Sir.

Widower

Out upon thee baſe Girl, would you marry a Tapſter?

Sprightly

Why Sir, a Tapſter is as good as a piſs-pot emptier; beſides, they ſay you have done the fellow wrong: for ſhe (they ſay) was his by promiſe, and if Conſcience hath right, he ought to have her; and perhaps, did not Ambition come in the way, Affection might prevail: wherefore to gratifie him, you ought in juſtice to beſtow me upon him.

Widower

Well, becauſe you ſhall not marry my Butler, I will not marry your Maid: for the truth is, I never had ſo low a thought. But let me tell you, it is in the way of diſobedience to queſtion a Fathers Actions, and a preſumption for a Child to think their Father is not wiſe enough to govern himſelf; beſides, Children were ingrateful to Parents, to deſire that from them, which they cannot, or will not keep to themſelves, as neither to ſuffer a Father to marry, or keep a Miſtreſs: Do Children think a Father is bound to ſo many Children, and no more?

Sprightly

Sir, I dare anſwer for the part of Children, that they would be well content that their Father ſhould have Miſtriſſes, but they would be unwilling and griev’d that their Fathers ſhould be their Miſtriſſes ſlave, whereby they incaptivate their Children, or ruine their Eſtates.

Widower

Well then inquire no more after any Miſtris I ſhall have, until you are incaptivated.

Finis.

457 Zzzzz1r

The Actors Names.

Sir William Lovewell, and the Lady Hypocondria his wife.

Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chaſtity his wife.

Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealouſie his Wife.

Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and the Lady Diſagree his Wife.

Sir Thomas Cuckold, and the Lady Wanton his Wife.

Sir Timothy Spendall, and the Lady Poverty his wife.

Sir Francis Inconſtant, and the Lady Inconſtant his wife.

Monſieur Amorous.

The Lady Procurer.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

Miſtris Single, ſiſter to the Lady Jealouſie.

Maſter Make-peace, Sir Humphrey Diſagree’s Friend.

Maſter Perſwader, the Lady Diſagree’s Chaplin.

Nan Lightheel, and and Many other Maid-Servants of the ſeveral Ladies.

Roger Truſty, man to SirWilliam Lovewel, and other men-ſerſervants of his, and the reſt of the Knights.

Raillery Jeſter, the Lady Jealouſies Fool.

Zzzzz The 458 Zzzzz1v

The Second Part of the Play Called the Matrimonial Trouble A Come-Tragedy.

Act I.

Scene. I.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Sir Henry Sage.

Lady Procurer

Sir Henry, by reaſon my Lady is gone abroad, I make bold to viſit you.

Sage

I perceive I am oblig’d to my Wifes abſence for your Viſit, Madam.

Procurer

’Faith, to tell you the truth, we women had rather viſit men when they are alone, than when they have company.

Sage

Then men and women agree better with particular, than with the general.

Procurer

They do ſo, yet they love varietyes beſt.

Sage

That’s natural, for the Senſes to delight in variety.

Procurer

It is ſo, and yet our Civil and Divine Laws have forbid the uſe of Varieties, which (me thinks) is very unconſcionable and unnatural.

Sage

But if ſome of the natural Appetites and Actions were not reſtrain’d by Laws, no Comman-wealth could ſubſiſt.

Procurer

How did the Lacedemonians ſubſiſt? they liv’d all in common; and had not all Greece been imbroyl’d with Wars, their Common-wealth might have laſted to this day.

Sage

The Lacedemonians had ſtricter Lawes than the Common-wealth which we live in, and are of: for though they gave more liberty and freedom to ſome Actions than our Governments do, yet they were ſtricter in others; and breakers of their Lawes were more ſeverely puniſh’d, even in the ſmalleſt breach, than the breakers of our Laws are almoſt in the greateſt breach.

Procurer

I am ſure the Maker of the Lacedemonian Laws was a wiſe man, and 459 Zzzzz2r 459 and a kind-hearted man, in Decreeing for the Increaſe of Mankinod, yet by ſome of his Laws he ſeem’d but a Sloven: for he baniſh’d all curidoſity and neatneſs, and I believe, many conveniences: Alſo he ſeem’d to be a man of a weak ſtomach,

Sage

He rather ſeem’d of a ſtrong ſtomach, and a greedy appetite, by the courſe diet he brought men to live with; but (for my part) If I ſhould judge of the Lacedemonians Laws, I ſhould judge that they ſtrove to bring men to be like beaſts, rather than to make them like as Gods, which men ſhould ſtrive to be.

Procurer

By your favour Sir, there can be no Law that can keep men from being horned beaſts.

Sage

Whoſe fault is that, Madam? not mens which make the Laws, but womens that break the Laws.

Procurer

It is mens fault, for giving women ſuch liberty: And let me tell you Sir, women are ſuch ſubtil creatures, as they ſtrive firſt to get an honourable eſteem from their Friends and Husbands, and a belief of their Chaſtity; and when they have ſecured mens jealouſies, they make their Huſbands Cuckolds, which all their Neighbours perceive, although the Husband is blind and muffl’d with affection.

Sage,.

Madam, your Sex deſerve a better Character than you give of them: for by your deſcription there are few chaſte.

Procurer

Every woman knows the humours of her own Sex better than men know the humours of one another: wherefore let me adviſe you, Sir Henry Sage, to watch my Lady your Wife: for many, to my knowledge, ſeek for to corrupt her.

Sage

Madam, although ſhe is one of your Sex, yet ſhe is of an Angelical nature, and not corruptible.

Procurer

Sir, I am your humble ſervant, and I wiſh your Angel may not fall from Virtue into Vice.

Sage

I have no jealous doubt, Madam.

Procurer

I wonder at it: for wiſe men uſe to doubt.

He leads her forth. Exeunt.

Scene 2.

Enter Sir Edward Courtly, and the Lady Jealouſie.

Courtly

Wife, I have given you warning twice, beware of the third time, that you receive no Maſculine Viſiters: for by Heaven, if you do, I will hang you up in my garters.

Jealouſie

Do if you dare, I will have thoſe that ſhall cut your throat.

Courtly

You could not fright me with your Champions, were I a coward: for they are Carpet-Knights, and dare not fight.

Jealouſie

They dare more than you dare.

Sir Edward Courtly takes off a garter, or ſome other ſtring or ribband about his cloaths, and makes her believe he will ſtrangle her. Zzzzz2 Courtly 460 Zzzzz2v 460

Courtly

By Heaven I’ll give an Example to all men that love their Honour, and hate to be Cuckolds.

He takes the ſtring, and offers to put it about her neck. She is afraid.

Jealouſie

O Husband, Husband, ſpare me, ſpare me.

Courtly

Wife, you may make me a Fool, but not unman me; you may flatter me, but not frighten me; you may make me commit an indiſcretion, but never to be Effeminate.

Jealouſie

O mercy, mercy, Husband, do but ſpare me this time, and I will be the beſt wife in the World.

Courtly

Well, I will pardon you this time; and know, Wife, that though I am willing to part with my Breeches and Doublet to give them you, yet I will never part with my Sword and my Spurs, which is my Courage and my Management: And I will give you all liberty in Vanity, but not in Diſhoneſty; you ſhall keep the Purſe, but not manage the Horſe: Alſo let me tell you, that it is not enough to be honeſt, but you muſt give no ſuſpicion to the contrary.

Exeunt.

Scene. 3.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and the Lady Wanton.

Lady Procurer

Come, Come Madam, are you ready? for Monſieur Amorous hath provided a great and coſtly Banquet for you.

Wanton

I am ready, I did only ſtay for you to go along with me.

Procurer

But will not your Husband watch whither we go?

Wanton

O no: for he believes I am going to the Lady Breeders Upſitting.

Procurer

That’s well bhe is ſo credulous to believe ſo eaſily whatſoever you would have him believe, and if he be but as obſtinate of belief of that you would not have him believe you are happy, for let me tell you, that all men hath not that ſpiritual gift of Faith, but have ſtrange opinions, and full of doubts, and ſuſpitions.

Wanton

Nay, I thank Jove, I have as good a Husband, as any woman whatſoever hath.

Procurer

Prethee Madam leave ſome thanks for your loving ſervant, which loves, and adores you more than he doth Heaven, and worſhips you as his only Goddeſs.

Wanton

He ſhall not pray in vain, nor ſhall I be as an Idoll made of Stone, or Braſs.

Procurer

Come your wayes then.

Exeunt.
Scene. 461 Aaaaaa1r 461

Scene 4.

Enter Monſieur Diſguiſe alone.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

O man! O man! inconſtant man! falſe and perjurious man! flattering diſſembling man! and the worſt of Mankind is Sir Francis Inconſtant! He hath not only forſaken me, but forgot me, drowning the memory of me in his ſuperfluous Cups. O Pluto, from whence all wickedneſs proceeds, make his fair Bride as falſe to him, as he hath prov’d to me, and fill his mind with furious Jealouſie.

Exit.

Scene 5.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, as at her Husband Sir William Lovewells Cloſet-door; ſhe knocks at the door.

Lovewel

Who’s there?

Hypocon

’Tis I, Husband.

She enters.

Lovewel

I may bid you welcome, Wife: for you are a ſtranger here.

Hypocon

Truly Husband, I ſhould not have diſturb’d you, but that I was afraid you were not well: for I came two or three times to the door, and heard no noiſe, which made me afraid you might be in a ſwoun, or dead.

Lovewell

I thank you for your loving fear and care of me.

Hypocon

You may think this is an over-fond humour in me; but I have heard of many that have been found dead in their Beds, and in their Cloſets, when as their Friends never miſtruſted it, but thought they were aſleep, or at ſtudy, which if they had been found or known in time, they might have been recover’d.

Lovewell

You ſay true Wife.

Hypocondria

But now I know you are well, I will not diſturb you any longer.

Lovewell

I will bear your kindneſs company.

Exeunt.
Aaaaaa Scene 6 Aaaaaa1v 462

Scene 6.

Enter Sir Henry Sage, and the Lady Chaſtity his Wife.

Sage

Wife, thou art falſe.

Chaſtity

’Tis ſtrange to hear you ſay ſo, when but yeſterday you made me ſuch proteſtations of your Faith, believing I was Virtuous, Chaſte, and full of Truth, which I did think Time had not power to alter your belief, and ſuch Vows and Proteſtations of your Affections to me, as if the fire of Love within your heart did burn ſo clear, and flame ſo high, as nought could quench it out but Death’s cold damps, yet not ſo much, but ſtill a heat within the aſhes would remain.

Sage

I confeſs, Wife, my doubts of Love did make me to try, at leaſt to ſay ſo to you.

Chaſtity

True Love never makes doubts; and though you can diſſemble with me, I cannot diſſemble with you, could the Gods command me, as they cannot, things unjuſt.

Sage

I perceive you are angry, Wife.

Chaſtity

No truly Husband, I am rather griev’d than angry, to think my honeſt truth miſtruſted: for Doubts are unjuſt to great Affections, true Love, and good Intentions; and Examinations are ſcandalous to a ſtrict chaſte life, and makes it ſeem as criminal: but could the World lay falſhood to your charge, and ſhould condemn you, yet my Affections would ſet you free, and rather tax my ſelf for want of Merit to deſerve your Love, than you want love to give Deſert.

Sage

Prethee Wife be not griev’d nor angry, for ’tis natural for Love to be ſuſpicious: wherefore pray forgive my doubts.

Chaſtity

My nature is to forgive, and not to bear a grudge or ſpleen in minde.

Sage

Then we are friends again.

Chaſtity

My love is ſtill the ſame, not to be alter’d.

Exeunt.

Scene 7.

Enter Miſtris Single, the Lady Jealouſies ſiſter, and Raillery Jeſter the Fool.

Miſtris Single

Fool, How many degrees is there in Underſtanding?

Jeſter

Three.

Single

Diſtinguish them.

Jeſter

There is Cœleſtial Underſtanding, a Terreſtial Underſtanding, and an Underſtanding betwixt both, as an Aireſtial Underſtanding: Thoſe that are Cœleſtial, are wise men; thoſe that are Terreſtrial, are fools; and thoſe that are betwixt both, as Aireſtial, are half-witted men.

Single

I thought you would have ſaid that thoſe that were Terreſtrial, were beaſts.

Jeſter 463 Aaaaaa2r 463

Jeſter

O no: for beaſts are one degree above wiſe men, two degrees above half-witted men, and three degrees above fools.

Single

But how will you make that good, that beaſts are wiſer than wiſe men?

Jeſter

By all their actions: for beaſts (for the moſt part) are more induſtrious, prudent, temperate, and peaceable, than the beſt of men; neither do they trouble their heads, nor break their ſleeps, about the trifles of the World, but govern their Affairs eaſily, and live orderly, every ſeveral kind agreeing amongſt themſelves; beſides, we are taught to imitate the Serpent and the Dove, and Examples are Principles, and the Original is to be preferr’d before the Copy, the Sample before the Pattern. Thus a Beaſt is preferr’d before a Wiſe man, by reaſon all Men muſt learn of Beaſts to be wiſe, and of Birds to be virtuouſly honeſt, as to be harmleſs.

Exeunt.

Scene 8.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and her Maid Joan.

Maid Joan

Certainly Madam, you will ſtarve your ſelf with eating ſo little.

Hypocon

Why a little ſerves Nature.

Joan

Yes; but there are great differences betwixt Natures: for mankind requires more food than ſome kind of beaſts or birds; for a man would be ſtarv’d, if he ſhould eat no more than a Dormouſe, or a Camelion, or a Sparrow.

Hypocon

But a Sparrow cannot eat ſo much as an Eagle, nor an Eagle ſo much as an Eſtrich: Likewiſe, as it is with Bird-kind, ſo it is with Mankind, ſome would ſtarve with that proportion another would ſurfet on.

Joan

But ſurely there are none that could ſurfet with your diet, as with Water and Air, nay (moſt commonly) nothing but Air, Camelion-like: for you oft-times for a week together neither eat bit, nor drink a drop; and that which makes me wonder more, is, that you naturally have a very good ſtomach, and can eat, when you pleaſe, very heartily, and it thrives well with you; but my greater wonder is, that when you do faſt, eating now and then a bit, week after week, nay moneth after moneth, yet you are not ſo lean, as to appear a Skeleton, nor ſo weak, but you can walk two hours without reſting, or being very weary.

Hypocon

Oh Cuſtome is a ſecond Nature, Joan.

Joan

I would have your Ladyſhip accuſtome your ſelf to live without eating, and then you will be ſet in a Chronicle.

Hypocon

Who would ſtrive for that, ſince moſt think Chronologers are Artificers, and that their Chronicles are falſe.

Joan

Why ſome will believe it; and it were better to live in the memory of a few, than to die to all memory, and to live by nothing.

Hypocon

I would have my Fame live only by ſingular and tranſcending Merits, not by ſingular and melancholy Follies. I know my Errors, though I cannot mend my Faults.

Exeunt.
Aaaaaa2 Act 464 Aaaaaa2v 464

Act II.

Scene 9.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and the Lady Wanton.

Procurer

Well Madam, you are to give me thanks for bringing you acquainted with Monſieur Amorous: for he is as fine a Gentleman as any our Nation hath.

Wanton

Indeed he is the moſt obligingſt perſon as ever I met with; but pray Madam, what ſaid he of me?

Procurer

O he raves in your praiſe: He ſays you are the fineſt, ſweeteſt, faireſt and kindeſt Lady that ever was: but did not your Husband examine you when you came home?

Wanton

No ’faith, not much, ſome ſlight queſtions he ask’d; but come into my Chamber, and there let us diſcourſe of Monſieur Amorous.

Exeunt.

Scene 10.

Enter the Lady Jealouſie, beating her Maid Nan.

Jealouſie

I will make you humbler than to give me ſuch unmannerly words. What had you to do in my Husbands, your Maſters Chamber?

Nan

I went to ſpeak with Tom my Maſters barber.

Jealouſie

What had you to do with your Maſters barber? I am ſure you had no uſe for him; but I will beat you ſo, as you ſhall not be able to ſtir, much leſs to go frisking into your Maſters Chamber ſo often as you do.

Falls a beating her again: Nan runs crying from her Lady, her Lady follows her. Enters Raillery Jeſter the Fool.

Fool

What a Volly of words their gun-powder breath, and the fire-lock of their anger hath ſhot into my Ears, giving me no warning to baracade them up, but hath ſurprized my brain by their ſudden aſſault, and hath blown up the Magazines of my Contemplations; but all creatures love to make a noiſe, beaſts vocally, men verbally, and ſome actually in boyſterous deeds.

Enter Miſtris Single.

Single

How now Fool, what’s the matter?

Fool

Why this is the matter fool, thy Siſter fool hath beaten her Maid fool, for kiſſing her Maſter fool.

Single

For kiſsing her Maſters fool, ſay you?

Fool 465 Bbbbbb1r 465

Fool

Nay, by’r Lady, if ſhe had done ſo, ſhe had been wiſe: for if ſhe had kiſs’d me, ſhe had not been beaten; but ſhe did not kiſs me, Ergo ſhe’s a fool.

Exeunt.

Scene. 11.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and Sir William Lovewell her Husband.

Hypocondria

Husband, why ſeem you ſo ſad?

Lovewel

My love to you makes me ſad.

Hypocondria

To me? Heaven bleſs me, what do you ſee in me to make you ſad?

Lovewel

Why for theſe paſſions and frights that you fall into, like one in an Epilepſie, and now you look as pale, as if you were ready to fall down dead.

Hypocon

Alas Husband, conſider it is a timorous effect of Love, which is to be pardon’d, ſince it proceeds from the kindneſs I have to my Friends; it is honourable to the World, and no diſhonour to you, but only troubleſome to my ſelf, and to thoſe I naturally love, as Husband, Children, Father, Mother, Brothers, and Siſters: And though fond Love and vain Fears may be produced from the melancholy Spleen, yet thoſe fears that proceed from my firm, true, and honeſt Affection, are created in the Soul: for noble, and honourable, and honeſt Fears, are the natural Iſſues of pure Love.

Lovewel

But Reaſon, the chief Magiſtrate of the Soul, and Governour of the Paſſions, ſhould temper the Exceſs.

Hypocon

O Husband, when Love comes to be temper’d, it loſes or quits the eſſential part, and the vertical ſtrength: for true Love is pure like gold, which is debaſed with an allay.

Lovewel

But as Allay makes gold work better for uſe, ſo Temperance makes Love happy for life.

Hypocon

Well Husband, I will ſtrive to love with Diſcretion.

Lovewel,

Pray do, and goe abroad, to divert your melancholy, and eat as others do, that my have good meat and drink, and not live by the Air, as you do.

Hypocon

I ſhall obey you.

Exeunt.

Scene 12.

Enter the Lady Inconſtant alone.

Lady Inconſtant

O Cupid, thou art a cruel Tyrant, making more wounds than remedies! And I am wounded ſo, as I am ſick with Love, and Bbbbbb can- 466 Bbbbbb1v 466 cannot live unleſs I am belov’d again.

To make my Paſſions know, is all my care,

Leſt he ſhould love me not, is all my fear.

Exeunt.

Scene. 13.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Sir Thomas Cuckold.

Lady Procurer

Sir Thomas Cuckold, Monſieur Amorous deſires very much to make friendſhip with you: for he is ſo taken with your Civilities, and your courteous Demeanors when he was to viſit you, that he ſwears you are one of the fineſt Gentlemen in the Kingdome: He ſays you are ſo gravely wiſe, ſo hoſpitably kind, and ſo generouſly free, as he honours you, and loves you with his ſoul.

Cuckold

I am his very humble Servant, and ſhall be glad, nay proud of ſuch a worthy Friend as Monſieur Amorous.

Procurer

Have you returned his Viſit?

Cuckold

No; but I’ll go wait upon him immediatly.

Exeunt.

Scene 14.

Enter Nan the Lady Jealouſies Maid, going through the room crying, and the Fool following her ſinging.

Fool

Childrens eyes are always flowing,

Womens tongues are always going,

And mens brains are always muſing,

And mens natures all abuſing,

And mans life is always running,

And mans death is always comming.

Enter Miſtris Single.

Single

Whoſe death is comming?

Fool

Yours for any thing I know: wherefore take heed; for let me tell you; Death is a rough fellow: for he pulls the ſoul out of the body, as a Barber-Chirurgeon doth a tooth, ſometimes with leſs pain, ſometimes with more; but many times Death is forc’d to tear the body, as a Tooth-drawer tears the jaw-bone, before he can get it out.

Single

What Inſtruments doth Death draw out the Soul with?

Fool

Sickneſs, Wounds, Paſſions, Accidents, and the like.

Single

But how came Death and you ſo well acquainted?

Fool

We are near a-Kin: for Death and Ignorance are Couſin-Germans.

Single 467 Bbbbbb2r 467

Single

’Faith thou art rather a Knave than a Fool, and a Knave is nearer a-kin to Life than Death.

Exeunt.

Scene 15.

Enter the Lady Diſagree, and her Chaplin Maſter Perſwader.

Diſagree

Well, I am reſolv’d to be Divorced from my Husband, for I cannot endure his tyranny any longer: for he will let me have my will in nothing, croſſes and contradicts me in every thing.

Perſwader

Madam, we are taught to obey and humble our ſelves to our Superiours, and the Husband is the Maſter of his Family, the Governour of his Eſtate, and Ruler and Diſpoſer of his Children, the Guide and Protector of his Wife.

Diſagree

Yes, he protects me well indeed, when he breaks my head.

Perſwader

May be your Ladyſhip doth provoke him with ſome unkind words.

Diſagree

What unkind words were they? I only ſaid that Gooſ- quils made the beſt pens to write with, and he ſaid no, that Crows-quils were better for that purpoſe: ’tis true, at laſt I returned as bad words as he flung at me.

Perſwader

Truly Madam, it is a great grief to your friends and ſervants, to ſee yoo live ſo diſquietous together; beſides, you torment your ſelves with your own anger.

Diſagree

That’s the reaſon I would part: for I will never be a ſlave to his humour, I will rather chuſe to die firſt.

Exeunt.

Scene 16.

Enter Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and Maſter Makepeace his Friend.

Sir Hum. Diſagree.

It were better we were parted, than to live in a perpetual war together.

Makepeace

But Sir, is it not poſſible to temper your Paſſion?

Diſagree

No truly: for her words are ſo ſharp, and pierce ſo deep, that they make me as furious as a wilde Boar that is hurt with a Javelin: And ſince ſhe cannot temper her Tongue, nor I temper my Paſſion, it will be beſt for us to live aſunder: for abſence is the beſt and moſt certain remedy I can think of.

Bbbbbb2 Scene 17 Bbbbbb2v 468

Scene 17.

Enter two Serving-men of Sir William Lovewels.

1 Servant

Have not you heard that my Maſter hath had a Quarrel, and is wounded?

2 Servant

Yes; and ’tis ſaid he fought ſo valiantly, as he beat half a dozen luſty men, and followed them ſo cloſe, as they were forc’d to take ſhelter; and I have alſo heard, that one of them he beat, ſwears to be revenged.

1 Servant

But if my Lady hears of it, ſhe will run mad, or die.

2 Servant

O no, my Lady (Joan ſays) hath left thoſe follies, and is become diſcreet.

1 Servant

Diſcreet? what is that? to be ill-natur’d, as not to care if her Husband or Friends be kill’d?

2 Servant

O yes, ſo much to care, as to pity them, and be ſorry, nay ſad, if they ſhould be kill’d; but not paſſionately to drown themſelves in tears, or to let their grief feed on their life, and die.

Exeunt.

Scene 18.

Enter Monſieur Amorous and Sir Thomas Cuckold: They meet each other, and imbrace as two dear Friends.

Cuckold

O my ſweet Amorous!

Amorous

O my dear Cuckold, the delight of my Life!

Cuckold

’Faith Amorous I have been to ſeek you all the Town over, and my Lady Procurer met me, and ſent me to the other end of the City, telling me you were at the Horn-Tavern.

Amorous

Why do you not know her humour? ſhe will ſerve you twenty ſuch tricks: for ſhe is the verieſt Wag in all the Town, although ſhe is in years.

Cuckold

Well, if I be not even with her, as very a Wag as ſhe is, let me be condemn’d for a fool.

Exeunt.
Act 469 Cccccc1r 469

Act III.

Scene 19.

Enter a Maid as to her Lady, the Lady Hypocondria.

Maid

O Madam, my Maſter is comming home, being wounded in a Duel.

The Lady ſwouns.

Maid

Help, help, my Lady, my Lady.

Enter Joan her Maid.

Joan

What’s the matter?

Maid

My Lady is kill’d with the report of my Maſters being hurt.

Joan

It were fit you ſhould be puniſh’d for telling her of it.

They raiſe the Lady, and bow her forward: She revives, but with a groan. Lady groans,

Oh, oh.

Joan

Take life again: for my Maſter is not ſo much hurt, as to be in danger of Death.

Hypocon

Do you ſpeak this as a known truth, or for to recover me?

Joan

As a truth upon my Conſcience, Madam.

Hypocon

Then I charge you do not diſcover my Paſſion.

Joan

We ſhall not.

Exeunt.

Scene 20.

Enter Sir William Lovewell, and two of his men, and his Man Roger Truſty.

Lovewell

Go, and give charge to my Footmen, that none of them run home to tell my Wife of my hurt, for fear of frighting her: for if ſhe hears I am hurt before ſhe ſees me, ſhe will apprehend me worſe than I am, and that may kill her.

Servant

Sir, ſhe hath heard of it already.

Lovewel

Rogue that he was that told her: who was it?

Roger Truſty

It was I Sir, when I want to fetch your Leaguer-cloak to keep you warm.

Lovewel

Villain, I’ll run you through.

Truſty

What you pleaſe Sir; but my Lady takes it very patiently: for Cccccc when 470 Cccccc1v 470 when ſhe heard of it, ſhe was playing on the Lute, and did not leave playing at the report.

Lovewel

I am glad ſhe is ſo diſcreet.

Truſty

Truly Sir I think my Lady is now one of the wiſeſt and diſcreeteſt Ladies in the Town.

Lovewel

What, for playing the Lute?

Truſty

No Sir; but for being ſo patient and temperate, as all wiſe perſons are, who bear afflictions with that Moral Philoſophical Careleſneſs, and (as they call it) paſsive Courage, compoſing their Faces into a Grave, ſurly Countenance, faſhioning their Behaviour with Formality, walking with a ſlow and ſtately Pace, ſpeaking nothing but Wiſe Sentences, and Learned Morals.

Lovewel

You are a moral Aſs; and although my wounds are but ſmall, yet I grow faint with ſtanding to hear a fool talk.

Exeunt.

Scene 21.

Enter the Lady Inconſtant, and Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Lady Inconſt

Sir, I believe you may wonder, and think it ſtrange, that a woman can love a ſtranger ſo ſoon and ſo much.

Diſguiſe

I doe not think it ſtrange in Nature, but I think it ſtrange you ſhould affect me, a perſon which is no way worthy of your Favour and your Love, unleſs you (like a Deity) humbly deſcend to mortals, accepting of their Adorations and Offerings: And, as a mortal to a Deity, I offer up my Heart on the Altar of your Obligations.

Inconſtant

Here I do vow to Venus, not only to offer you my perſon, and all delights that it can yield, but I offer you my Honour, my Fathers Honour, my Husbands Honour, nay their lives, if you require it.

Diſguiſe

I muſt confeſs your Husbands life is dangerous, for we cannot well enjoy our loves with ſafety, if that your Husband lives.

Inconſtant

Name but the way unto his Death, and I will execute it.

Diſguiſe

I cannot; for you muſt do it as you find Fortune gives you opportunity.

Inconſtant

Farewel and believe, I ſhall let no opportunity ſlip, that might bring my deſigns to paſs.

The Lady Inconſtant goes out. Monſieur Diſguiſe alone.

Diſguiſe

My revenge is too big for words, all actions to little for his puniſhment: wherefore you furies, I invoke you to aſſiſt me, and if Hell gives me not help, Heaven or Death give me eaſe.

Exit.
Scene 471 Cccccc2r 471

Scene 22.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Monſieur Amorous.

Lady Procurer

Now Monſieur Amorous, you and the Lady Wanton ſhall not need to make ſo many excuſes to meet, for your going into the Country, with Sir Thomas Cuckold, you will be always in the Houſe with his Lady.

Amorous

Faith, I have a great deal of buſineſs in the City, which may ſuffer, if I ſhould go out of the Town.

Procurer

Out upon you, make excuſes already.

Amorous

I do not make excuſes, I only tell you the truth of my affairs.

Procurer

Can you have any affairs greater, or of more concernment, than waiting on a Miſtriſs, and ſuch a Miſtriſs as you were a dying for to enjoy, but a little time ſince? well go thy ways Monſieur Amorous, for thou art like a woman that hath fits of the Mother, often ſwouning and ſick, but never dyes in any of them.

Amourous

The Lady Chaſtity would be like a draught of cold water, to bring me to life again.

Procurer

Let me tell thee, as thoſe fits will never kill thee, ſo all the Chaſtity in the Town can never cure thee.

Exeunt.

Scene 23.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and Joan her Maid.

Lady Hypocondria

Pray Juno, my Husband doth not perceive I have cry’d.

Joan

You need not fear it, for the hot Cloath you laid to your eyes hath ſok’d out the redneſs, and abated the ſwelling thereof; but I doubt you will cry when you ſee him.

Hypocondria

I hope I ſhall be wiſer, than to cry; for I would not have my Husband think me a Fool, or troubleſome, for the world.

Joan

But ſurely Madam, you muſt needs torment your Soul, to ſtrive ſo much againſt nature.

Hypocondria

Love had rather torment it ſelf, then torment what it loves.

Joan

Your Ladyſhip will make the old Proverb good, which ſayes, love overcomes all things, and ſurely it overcomes all when it overcomes nature it ſelf.

Exeunt.
Cccccc2 Scene 472 Cccccc2v 472

Scene 24.

Enter the Lady Jealouſy, and the Fool.

Lady Jealouſy

Prethy Fool watch thy Maſter, and my Maid Nan, and when they are together give notice, and I will give thee a new Coat.

Fool

I ſhall ſtand Sentinel, and give the watch-word.

The Lady Jealouſy goes out. The Fool alone.

Fool

Moſt Creatures their tails lyes in their heads, or their heads lyes in their Neighbours tayles, noſe to breech; for they are always thinking therof, which makes their thoughts as ſluts and ſlovens, their brains like to a heapt- up Dunghil; but I muſt watch, my Maſter and his Maid to catch.

Exeunt.

Scene 25.

Enter Maſter Makepeace, and Maſter Perſwader, friend and Chaplain to Sir Humphrey Diſagree.

Maſter Makepeace

’Tis ſtrange, that Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and his Lady, cannot agree, yet they are both of good natures, and generous Souls; keep a noble Houſe, and are bountifull to their Servants, kind and courteous to their Friends, and he a very underſtanding Gentleman, and a learned Scholar, and an honeſt Man.

Perſwader

And ſhe is a very Chaſt Lady, a good Huſwife, and very orderly in her Houſe, as concerning what ſhe is to take care of, or to direct, and is very pious and devout, and yet both to be ſo indiſcreet as to fall out about light toys, and frivolous matters.

Makepeace

’Tis ſtrange, and truly great pitty; wherefore, we ought to do our indeavour, to try if we can make them friends.

Perſwader

Surely that might be eaſily done; for they are as apt, and as ſoon friends when their anger’s over, as they are apt to fall out when they are friends, and I make no doubt to make them friends; but the buſineſs is to keep them friends, and the queſtion is, whether it were not better they ſhould be parted friends, than preſent enemies.

Makepeace

Yet we have diſcharged our parts, if we make or do our indeavour to make them friends.

Perſwader

Well Sir, perſwade the Husband, and I will try to perſwade the Wife.

Exeunt.
Scene 473 Dddddd1r 473

Scene 26.

Enter Monſieur Diſguiſe, and Sir Francis Inconſtant.

Sir Francis Inconſtant

Sir, you do amaze me; for I have not been ſo long married as to give her time for Incontinency, nor have I been ſo ill a Husband as yet, as to create, or beget her hate towards me.

Diſguiſe

Sir, if I do not prove it, I ſhall be content to ſuffer the heavieſt puniſhment you can inflict upon me; and becauſe your belief is wavering, I will place you, where you ſhall hear her declare her intentions, as towards your Death.

Inconſtant

I long to prove the Truth.

Exeunt.

Scene. 27.

Enter the Lady Wanton, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Wanton

Prethy my Lady Procurer, go into the Country with us, ſince we ſhall have ſuch good Company this Summer, as Monſieur Amorous, we will be ſo merry, and have ſuch ſports and paſtimes, as you ſhall not repent your journey.

Procurer

Faith Madam I cannot; beſides, you have no uſe of me now.

Wanton

I am not as many others are, that when they can make no more uſe of a friend, they ſtrive to ſhun their Company.

Procurer

Well, if I can go with you I will; but I doubt I cannot, at leſt I cannot ſtay above a week, or ſuch a time with you.

Wanton

Nay, if I once get you there, I will make you ſtay.

Exeunt.

Scene 28.

Enter Miſtriſs Single alone.

Miſtriſs Single

What a troubleſome life is a Married life, bleſs me Heaven, who would Marry?

Enter Raillery Jeſter at her laſt words.

Fool

That would you if you could get a Huusband; for Maids long to be Wives, and Wives longs to be Widows, that they might Marry again.

Single

That is, becauſe Maids do not know the vexations of Marriage, which Wives do.

Dddddd Fool. 474 Dddddd1v 474

Fool

Faith Women take a pleaſure in being vext, croſt, and injured; for then they have a ground for their anger, and revenge is the ſweeteſt, and deareſt imployment they have, or would wiſh to have; otherwiſe, they would be dull, and idle without it; and to prove it, Widows are as earneſt, and induſtrious to Marry as Maids, and all is, becauſe they would be vext and croſt

Single

And are not men as deſirous, and haſty to Marry as Women?

Fool

Yes, thoſe that are Fools.

Single

Why then you ſhould marry, if any Woman would have you.

Fool

Such Fools as I, never, or very ſeldom Marry, for though we are Chriſtened Fools, we were Born Wiſe (where other men were Born Fools, but Chriſtened Wiſe) as bearing the name of Wiſe and underſtanding Men, ſo as they have only the name, but not the wiſdome; the Truth is, we Fool, and other men are fool’d.

Single

Then Women are Born Wiſe, for they Fool Men.

Fool

Nay faith, poor Souls, they are for the moſt part double fool’d; firſt, thinking they fool, and then in being fooled.

Enter a Maid of the Lady Jealouſy’s.

Maid

Miſtriſs, my Lady is very angry, that you let your Lute-Maſter ſtay, whilſt you talk to the fool; ſhe ſays you will be as much a fool as he, with talking ſo often with him.

Single

Tell my Siſter, I ſhall learn more good from the fool, than the fidler.

Fool

Mark you that Maid.

Maid

I mark that Children and Fools keep company together.

Fools

And the Maids and the Maſter.

Exeunt.

Act IV.

Scene 29.

Enter two Maids of the Lady Hypocondria.

1 Maid

Alas my poor Lady looks as if ſhe would drop to the earth, ſo pale and ill.

2 Maid

How ſhould ſhe be otherwiſe, for ſhe ſmothers in her grief, and dares not diſcover it, and then ſhe ſeldom ſleeps, or eats, or drinks: and is ſo reſtleſs, as ſhe cannot ſit ſtill, but walks about her Chamber.

Exeunt.
Scene 475 Dddddd2r 475

Scene 30.

Enter the Lady Hypocondria, and a Doctor.

Lady Hypocondria

O Maſter Doctor, what do you think of my Husband, I hope he is in no danger, is he?

Doctor

I dare aſſure you Madam, he will be very well again; for he is only weak and faint with loſs of blood: for he taking the wound to be ſlight, did not take care to ſtop it ſoon enough, whereupon his Spirits with his blood iſſued out ſo much, as makes him ſo weak, as you ſee he is forc’d to keep his Bed.

Hypocondria

But Doctor, Spirits is life, and if he wants the one, he muſt ſoon loſe the other.

Doctor

’Tis true, if there were no Spirits left: but let me tell you Madam, there is more danger when the Body hath too many Spirits, that when there is but a few; for many Spirits make the Body too hot, by giving the Pulſe too quick a motion; which quick motion, fires the heart ſo much, as the blood becomes boyling hot; which Perboyls the Liver, and the reſt of the vital parts, and melts the fat, waſtes the fleſh, and weakens the Sinnews, or Nerves, as being boyled as to a ſoft, tender, quaking Jelly: that is the cauſe that the Sick is ſo weak they cannot ſtand, having not that tough ſtrength in their Sickneſs, and ſome after their ſickneſs; and ſhall continue weak, untill ſuch time as the Sinnews, and Nerves grow harder, and tough again; and many times from the boyling blood there ariſes ſuch groſs, and ſo many Vapours, which Vapours is Smoak, as they ſtiflle the life, or at leaſt diſquiet the Brain.

Hypocondria

But will you aſſure me Doctor?

Doctor

As far as Human skill can aſſure you I will.

The Doctor goes out. The Lady Hypocondria alone.

Hypocondria

Fair Juno hear me, ſend to thy Brother Pluto, to impriſon Death in his dark Vault, or at leaſt for to forbid him to touch my Husband; and fair Goddeſs, ſend health to raiſe his weary limbs from off his hated Couch, if not, give order to grim Death to ſtrike me too; for thou haſt power on all, as being chief in power.

Enter her Maid.

Maid

Madam, my Maſter deſires you would be pleaſed to come to him.

Exeunt.
Dddddd2 Scene 476 Dddddd2v 476

Scene 31.

Enter Monſieur Diſguiſe alone.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

I will not only make me a Garland, but a Bower of Willow, where I will ſit and lament all forſaken Lovers; nay, I will ſit and Curſe ſo long, till I have laid thoſe Curſes ſo thick together, as neither ſighs, nor tears, nor prayers, ſhall diſſolve them.

Exit.

Scene 32.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and Monſieur Amorous.

Lady Procurer

I am come to bring you good news, Monſieur Amorous.

Amorous

What is that my comfortable Lady?

Procurer

The Lady Wanton is come to Town.

Amorous

Pluto.

Procurer

What do you ſwear, becauſe ſhe is come to Town?

Amorous

No I ſwear, becauſe I muſt go out of Town.

Procurer

I hope you will not go out of the Town, now that ſhe is come to town.

Amorous

Alas my occaſions are ſuch, as I ſhall be utterly ruined if I ſtay.

Procurer

Then let me tell you, the Lady Chaſtity begins to liſten to your Sute.

Amorous

And is there hopes I ſhall enjoy her?

Procurer

I cannot tell.

Amorous

Nay Dear Lady, ſpeak ſome comfort?

Procurer

It is a folly, if you muſt go into the Country.

Amorous

Neptune ſhall ſwallow the Country, rather than I will endanger to loſe a Paradiſe.

Procurer

But if you ſtay, you will be ruined.

Amorous

I rather ſhall be ruined if I go, for now I have conſdered it; I find, I have ſuch potent affairs here in the City, as they will force me to ſtay.

Procurer

O Jupiter! how Inconſtant is Mankind; for what they have enjoyed they deſpiſe, and what they cannot get, they earneſtly deſire, and are reſtleſs in their purſute.

Amorous

What ſay you?

Procurer

I ſay you are an unthankfull Man, and not worthy of a Ladyes favour, as to forſake her that loves you, and ſeek her that hates you; for know, the Lady Chaſtity ſcorns your Sute, deſpiſes your Perſon, and hates your Humour.

Amorous

Pluto take all your ſex.

Procurer

If he ſhould, you would whiningly follow them to Hell, rather than 477 Eeeeee1r 477 than miſs their Company, refuſing Heaven, for effeminate Society.

Amorous

They torment men more than Devils do.

Exeunt.

Scene 33.

Enter Maſter Makepeace, and Maſter Perſwader.

Maſter Makepeace

Now Sir Humphrey Diſagree and his Lady are made good friends, they are become a loving Couple.

Perſwader

Heaven keep them ſo.

Makepeace

Truly I begin to believe they will; for they ſeem very ſenſible of their errors, and they laugh at their one follies, to ſee, what ridiculous, frivolous, and ſmall matters, their quarels are built with, and upon.

Exeunt. Enter Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and his Lady.

Sir Humphrey Diſagree

Look you Wife, here is the Prieſt that hath new married us, and our friend that hath joyned us in a loving friendſhip again.

Lady Diſagree

And I will celebrate this Union with a Feaſt, to which, I will invite my good friends as to my wedding day.

Humphrey Diſagree

I perceive we ſhall be merry, pray let us have Fidlers, and Dance.

Lady Diſagree

That we will.

Exeunt.

Scene 34.

Enter Sir William Lovewell upon a Couch, as being weak, and his Lady following him.

Sir William Lovewell

Come, come Wife, you are not ſo kind as you were wont to be; for you did uſe to watch my looks, my ſleep, and how I fetcht my breath in my ſleep, and what I did eat, and how much I did eat, for fear I ſhould be ſick, and no help unſought to cure me: But I perceive you are as all other women are, inconſtant; for now you do neglect me, and ſeldom come near me but when I ſend for you.

Hypocondria

I dare not, for fear my diligence may prove loves indiſcretion, and ſo my ſervice become a burthenſome trouble.

Eeeeee Enter 478 Eeeeee1v 478 Enter one of the Men Sir William fought with, and beat, with a Piſtol in his hand, the Lady Hypocondria ſees him, and on the ſudden runs to the Man, and ſnatches the Piſtol out of his hand, the whilſt the Man was in amaze at it, She Shoots him with his own Piſtol, the noiſe of the Piſtol brings in the Servants.

Hypocondria

You Cowardly Rogue, do you take the advantage of ſickneſs to work your revenge, do you come when my Husband is not able to defend himſelf?

The Man falls, and ſayes, O I am kill’d.

Hypocondria

Kill’d? if you had a thouſand lives, my ſingle life would kill them all, rather than ſuffer my Husband to be murdered.

The Servants all the while ſtand at a diſtance, as being all afrighted.

Hypocondria

You Company of dull dead ſtatues, move for ſhame, and bear away this Villain, this murderous Villain.

Servants

Where ſhould we carry him Madam?

Hypocondria

Why any where, caſt him into a Ditch, there let him ly and rot, like Beaſts without Burial.

The mean while Sir William Lovewell having recovered his breath, which was ſpent in ſtriving to get up from his Couch, but being very weak he could not.

Lovewell

Carry him to a Juſtcice, and bid the Juſtice diſpoſe of him as he thinks fit, telling him of his crime.

Servants

Let us ſearch him, to ſee if he hath never another Piſtol.

Lovewell

Go you Cowards, and carry him away. The Servants and Man goes out. O this effeminate ſickneſs hath diſgraced me; O how like a worm a ſick man is, which lyes ſo low, and is ſo ſhiftleſs, that any beaſt treads out his life?

Hypocondria

Why, had you been in health and ſtrength, it would have been no Honour to beat a Coward.

Lovewell

He ſeem’d not ſuch a Coward, but that he had ſome courage, or otherwiſe he would not have adventur’d himſelf alone into a Houſe, wherein were many perſons, which would have been his Enemies; but I am glad that you have the honour of his wounds, but is is a miracle to me, to ſee how valiantly you did behave your ſelf, and yet by nature is ſo fearfull.

Hypocondria

Miſtake not Love; for true Love is only a fraid when it cannot help, but when it hath hopes to reſcue what it loves, Mars is not Valianter.

Lovewell

Well Wife, I owe my life to your love, and I ſhall account you as Pallas, that hath defended me with a prudent courage.

Hypocondria

If you think I have done you ſervice worthy a reward, pray give me a requeſt.

Lovewell

That I ſhall, if it be that life you have defended, what is it?

Hypocondria. 479 Eeeeee2r 479

Hypocondria

It is to ſet love free from the Chains of diſcretion, and Jailer of temperance; for it is impoſſible to confine love, but either it will dy, or break out in revenge.

Lovewell

Well Wife, hereafter I will never oppoſe loves wayes.

Exeunt.

Scene 35.

Enter Sir Francis Inconſtant, and Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

Sir, did you hear what your Lady ſaid?

Francis Inconſtant

Yes, I heard her ſay, ſhe would poyſon me in a meſs of broath.

Diſguise

What will you do to prevent it?

Inconſtant

Leave that care to me, I ſhall be my own Sentinel, to diſcern the aproaching Poyſon.

Sir Francis goes out. Monsieur Diſguiſe alone.

Diſguiſe

Their Deaths will be my triumph, and my Death a reprieve.

Exit.

Scene 36.

Enter Monſieur Amorous, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Procurer

I am come to invite you to a Collation, for the Lady Wanton, for whom you at firſt made coſtly Collations, is forced to invite you now to the like.

Amorous

Faith Madam, I am ſo ſquezy ſtomacked, that the very ſight of a Banquet will put me into an Apoplexy, as with an obſtructed Surfit.

Procurer

If you ſhould deny her, you would loſe your reputation amongſt our Sex for ever.

Amorous

Well I will go, upon condition that you carry a meſſage from me to another Lady.

Procurer

Moſt willingly, ſo it be not to the Lady Chaſtity.

Exeunt.

Scene 37.

Enter Miſtriſs Single, and Raillery Jeſter the Fool.

Miſtriſs Single

Prethy Fool give me advice, as how to chooſe a Husband.

Eeeeee2 Fool 480 Eeeeee2v 480

Fool

Faith you are wiſe to take a Fools Counſel; for Fools have for the moſt part, beſt Fortune, either in their Counſel or Choice.

Single

Why, are Fools Fortunes favourites?

Fool

Yes, for by Fools Fortune plainly ſhews her power, when wiſe men uſurp it, ſtriving to take her power from her.

Single

Then Fortune direct thee, to direct me.

Fool

Fortune is giddy, and directs by chance, which cauſes ſo many miſfortunes.

Single

Then by your direction, I may be unfortunate; but I will venture, wherefore tell me how to choſe.

Fool

Why then, you muſt chooſe a Husband by the Ear.

Single

By the Eye you mean.

Fool

No faith, thoſe that would be happily match’d, muſt chooſe a Husband, or Wife by the Ear, and not by the Eye: for though report is ofttimes falſe, yet it ſeldom flatters; nay for the moſt part, it is ſo far from giving merit its due Praiſes, as it detracts therefrom.

Single

But Fortune carries worthleſs men upon the tongue of fame.

Fool

’Tis true, but Fortune being giddy, is apt to ſtagger, and ſo to ſtumble, and oft-times ſlings thoſe worthleſs men in foul diſgrace.

Single

But hopes and fears, bribe or force the World to praiſe a worthleſs He, or Shee.

Fool

’Tis true, hopes of gain are bribes, and fear of puniſhments are threats, for to perſwade, or force the tongue to flatter; yet none but Gods and Kings, are ſubject to this flattery, and you are not to marry, either the one, nor yet the other; for Gods joyn not to Mortals, and Kings are far too proud to marry Subjects; nor were it good for you, if that they would, as that you were matcht to a King: for happineſs lives in equallity.

Single

Faith thou are too wiſe to wear a Fools-Coat; wherefore caſt it off.

Fool

And faith I ſhould be more Fool than my profeſſion makes me, if I ſhould caſt it off; therefore I will keep it on.

Exeunt.

Act V.

Scene 3938.

Enter the Lady Inconſtant, and Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Lady Inconſtant

O my Dear love, I have ſuch an opportunity, that Fortune could never have given me a better; for my Husband is fallen Sick, and if I Poyſon him now, the World will ſay, and think it was his Sickneſs that kill’d him, and that will ſecure me.

Diſguiſe

If he be Sick, perchance he may dye, and that will ſave you the labour, and hazard of poyſoning.

Inconſtant

O But if he ſhould recover again, then I were undone; wherefore I will not venture to rely upon his Sickneſs.

Diſguiſe. 481 Ffffff1r 481

Diſguiſe

Uſe your diſcretion, but tis not fit we ſhould be ſeen together; wherefore, I will kiſs your hands, and leave you for a time.

Inconſtant

And I hope the next time we meet, we ſhall be rid of the obſtructor of our loves.

Exeunt.

Scene. 39.

Enter the Lady Wanton, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Wanton

Madam, did you give Monſieur Amorous the preſent I ſent you to give him?

Procurer

Yes, there was Shirts, Caps, and Handkerchiefs, of each two dozen.

Wanton

There were ſo.

Procurer

They were of the fineſt Holland, and Flanders Lace, that ever I ſaw, what might the preſent coſt you?

Wanton

Not much above five hundred pounds.

Procurer

You ſpeak as if it were but a ſlight preſent, but if your Husband knew of it, he would think it were too much by four hundred ninety and nine pound nineteen ſhillings eleven pence halfpeny farthing.

Wanton

But what ſaid Monſieur Amorous, when you preſented that preſent as from me?

Procurer

At the firſt he would not receive the preſent, ſaying it was too coſtly, and that he could not return enough thanks for it, and ſo ſhould ſeem as ungratefull againſt his will; but at laſt upon my perſwaſion, he took your preſent, and to Morrow he will come and give you thanks.

Wanton

I had rather meet him in ſome other place, than receive his viſit at home, where my Husband is.

Exeunt.

Scene 40.

Enter the Lady Poverty weeping, and two or three Children following her: Then Enters her Husband.

Lady Poverty

Husband, how ſhall theſe Children live?

Spendall

By Heavens Providence Wife.

Poverty

I fear they will ſtarve unleſs your providence feeds them.

Spendall

It was imprudently done to get them.

Poverty

But now they are got, they muſt be provided for.

Spendall

Yes, as Beggers provide for their Children, put them to the Pariſh.

Poverty

The Pariſh will not keep them.

Spendall

Then ſell them to Animal Merchants, they will Traffick with them into the Barbadoes, or Barmudes, or Virginy, or the like places.

Ffffff Poverty. 482 Ffffff1v 482

Poverty

And how ſhall I live?

Spendall

Why you may go along, and be their Nurſe.

Poverty

And the Merchants Whore.

Spendall

As you can agree; for he may ſell you at as great a prize after, as if you were honeſt; beſides, your Children will prove you to be fruitfull, for which, they will give a double, or trebble price for you; and if you thrive ſend me word, and I will come to you, if I cannot live here.

Poverty

I thank you Husband, for you have made me miſerably unhappy, by your miſpendings, yet you would feed upon my good fortune, if it can be call’d good fortune, to thrive with diſhoneſty.

Spendall

Faith Fortune hath undone me; but may be ſhe will be charitable to you.

Poverty

I hope ſo, for Fortune never befriends thoſe whom Vices beſots, and though your deboyſteries have undone you, I hope my Virtues will help to ſave me.

Spendall

But I never perceived your virtue to do you any good, but for any thing I perceive to the contrary, you are like to ſtarve, for all your virtues.

Poverty

I hope when I am parted from you and your wickedneſs, Heaven will powre down ſome mercy on me.

Exeunt.

Scene 41.

Enter the Lady Wanton, and the Lady Procurer.

Lady Wanton

Pray Madam inform me where Monſieur Amorous is, for I have ſent two or three times to his Lodging, and my Meſſenger is anſwered ſtill he is from home.

Procurer

He is a wanderer.

Wanton

I think he is wandred into ſome other parts of the World, for after he went from us, I ſent a dozen Letters, whilſt I ſtaid in the Country, and received not one anſwer.

Procurer

Faith Madam Monſieur Amorous is one of the laſieſt of Mankind.

Wanton

I am reſolv’d when I ſee him to chide him, for I could not conveniently do it when he came to give me thanks for my preſent.

Enter Sir Thomas Cuckold.

Procurer

Sir Thomas Cuckold, you are welcome to the Town, for though I have had the Honour to ſee your Lady two or three times, yet I could not get a ſight of you never ſince you came out of the Country.

Cuckold

My Wife did wiſh for your Company whilſt we were in the Country, a hundred times.

Procurer

I ſhould be glad to be in any place, to do my Lady Service.

Cuckold

I was abroad even now, where I met Monſieur Amorous, who lookt upon me as if he knew me not, or rather as if he did deſpiſe me.

Procurer

Perchance he did not know you.

Cuckold. 483 Ffffff2r 483

Cuckold

His memory muſt be very ſhort, if he could forget me ſo ſoon.

Wanton

Perchance Husband you lookt ſtrangely upon him.

Cuckold

Truly Wife I went to imbrace him, as I was uſed to do, with kind love, and he croſt the ſtreet to ſhun me.

Wanton

I dare lay my life it is ſome miſtake Husband.

Procurer

Friends (Sir Thomas) muſt never be exceptious.

Cuckold

I am not apt to be exceptious, I will aſſure you Madam no Man is freer from that humour than I am.

Exeunt.

Scene 42.

Enter Sir Francis Inconſtant as ſick upon a Couch, he being alone.

Sir Francis Inconſtant

This feigned Sickneſs ſhall ſerve as a ſnare, to catch my Wives deſign.

Enter the Lady Inconſtant.

Lady Inconſtant

My dear heart how are you?

Francis Inconſtant

Very Sick, ſo Sick as I fear Heaven doth envy my happineſs, and will part us by Death.

Lady Inconſtant

The Gods forbid! I hope you will live ſo long, as to Crown your Virtuous life with aged years.

Francis Inconſtant

O no, I find my life draws towards an end, and Death will ſeparate us from each other; but you being young Wife, will ſoon forget me, placing your love upon ſome other Man, in whom, all the remembrance of me will be buried.

Lady Inconſtant

Dear Husband ſpeak not ſo Melancholy; your words ſtrike ſuch terrour into my heart, as I cannot indure to hear them, I had rather Death ſhould ſtrike me, than you; Dear Husband, cheer up your ſelf, your Diſeaſe is only Melancholly; wherefore take ſuch nuriſhing things, as may give your Spirits ſtrength and life; ſhall I bring you a little Burnt Wine, to comfort your Spirits, or ſome Jelly broath to ſtrengthen your Stomack?

Francis Inconſtant

If you pleaſe Wife.

The Lady Inconſtant goes out. He alone.

Francis Inconſtant

Now for the poyſoned Draught.

Enter the Lady with a Porrenger of Broath.

Lady Inconſtant

Here my dear heart, drink this.

He takes the Porrenger, and when it was in his hand, he riſes and goeth to the Chamber Door, and locks it. Ffffff2 Lady 484 Ffffff2v 484

Lady Inconſtant

What mean you Husband to lock the Door?

Francis Inconſtant

Becauſe none ſhall enter, untill the Broath be drunk Wife.

She ſeems to be afraid, and deſires to go forth of the Chamber. He ſtays her.

Francis Inconſtant

No Wife, you muſt not go out, for I mean to nouriſh you with that Broath that you would have nouriſhed me with.

Lady Inconſtant

Why Husband I am not Sick, I do not require Broath.

Francis Inconſtant

O yes Wife, your Soul is Sick, although your Body is well, and this Broath may perchance cure the one, although it kills the other; wherefore drink it.

Lady Inconſtant

I will not.

Francis Inconſtant

You ſhall, and if you drink it not willingly, I will force it down you throat.

Lady Inconſtant

Dear Husband ſpare me.

Francis Inconſtant

Why, I give you nothing but that which you prepared for me, and if it were good for me, it is good for you.

Lady Inconſtant

Dear Husband have mercy on me, and I will confeſs my crimes.

Francis Inconſtant

No Wife, no more mercy than you would have had one me, and therefore drink it.

Lady Inconſtant

’Tis Poyſon Husband.

Francis Inconſtant

That is the reaſon you ſhall drink it Wife.

Lady Inconſtant

Dear Husband, let me live but to repent my ſinns, which like a black thick cloud do cover all my Soul.

Francis Inconſtant

This will be a ſufficient puniſhment, for if you be puniſhed in this World, you may eſcape the puniſhment of the next.

Lady Inconſtant

Good Husband conſider youth, that is apt to run into errors, not being guided with good Counſel, as it ought.

Francis Inconſtant

I will conſider nothing, and therefore drink it, or by Heaven I will force you to it, and therefore linger not.

The Lady Inconſtant takes the Cup, and then kneels and lifts up her eyes towards Heaven, and then prayes.

Lady Inconſtant

You Gods forgive me my crimes, and let this deadly draught purge clean my Soul from ſin.

She drinks the poyſoned Broath.

Francis Inconſtant

Now Wife have you any Amorous deſires to Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Lady Inconſtant

No, the fire of my unlawfull love is quencht.

She ſinks to the ground, Heaven receive my Soul; O,O, Husband forgive me. Dies.

Francis Inconſtant

Ha ſhe is dead, what hath my furious paſſion done, I was too ſudden to crop her tender life ſo haſtily, without more ſtrickt examination; for it was likely this ſpruſe Gallant corrupted her with his alluringluring 485 Gggggg1r 485 luring looks, and ſmooth inticing words, which he knew well how to apply; and youth is credulous, and women ſoon perſwaded, and being joyned in one they eaſily are overcome. I do repent. He walks a turn or two in a Melancholy muſe. I will revenge my ſelf of thoſe that were the cauſe.

Exeunt.

Scene 43.

Enter the Lady Procurer, and the Lady Wanton.

Lady Wanton

Where is Monſieur Amorous that he comes not with you? you ſaid you would bring him with you.

Procurer

Faith he deſires to be excuſed, for he ſaith he is not well.

Wanton

This is but an excuſe, for he hath made an hundred within this week; but ſince he doth neglect me, I will have another that ſhall be more conſtant.

Procurer

You are wiſe Madam: for ſince men are ſo various as they are, women would ſeem but fools, ſhould they be conſtant.

Wanton

Well then Madam, you muſt do me a favour, for ſince I became acquainted with Monſieur Amorous, upon your perſwaſion, you muſt contrive a private meeting for me and another Gentleman, upon my perſwaſion.

Procurer

Sweet Lady, you do oblige me to imploy me in your Service.

Exeunt.

Scene 44.

Enter two Maid Servants, that were the Lady Poverties.

1 Maid

O Urſely, I am glad to ſee thee with all my heart.

2 Maid

Truly Jane, ſo am I to ſee you.

1 Maid

When did you hear of our good Lady, the Lady Poverty?

2 Maid

It was not long ſince I ſaw her.

1 Maid

And how doth ſhe live poor Lady?

2 Maid

Why ſhe lives privately, but is likely to live happy enough; for her friends have now taken care of her and her Children, upon the condition that ſhe will receive no viſits from her Husband, but baniſh his Company, leſt he ſhould encreaſe their charge with more Children; neither will they allow him any thing.

1 Maid

By my troth he doth not deſerve any maintenance; but I am glad ſhe is provided for, being a ſhiftleſs creature for her ſelf and Children; but where do you live Urſely?

2 Maid

Why I live with an old Widower.

1 Maid

And I with a grave Matronly Widow, wherefore let us endeavourGggggg vour 486 Gggggg1v 486 vour to make a match betwixt them, that ſo we may live once again in a Houſe together; for you and I were always dear friends you know.

2 Maid

’Tis true Jane, but as you are my friend I muſt tell you, I ſhould be an ill friend to my ſelf, if I ſhould perſwade my Maſter to marry.

1 Maid

Nay if it be ſo Urſely, make the beſt of him; and if thou wilt ſhew me where thou dwelleſt, I will come and viſit thee when I have leiſure.

2 Maid

Come with me, and I will ſhew you where I live.

Exeunt.

Scene 45.

A Table ſet out cover’d, and furniſh’d with meat. Enter Sir Humphrey Diſagree, and the Lady Diſagree, and their Friends; every one takes their place, and ſits as to eat.

Sir Humphrey Diſagree

Wife, where are the Fidlers that you promiſt we ſhould have.

Lady Diſagree

I did forbid them to play, untill ſuch time as we had half din’d, for their ſcraping would hinder our eating.

Humphrey Diſagree

Pray wife let them come in, for I love my meat ſhould dance in my mouth, my teeth keeping juſt time to the tune; and the Muſick will make my meat turn nimbly in my mouth, and will heat my taſt to a high guſto.

Lady Diſagree

The noiſe that they will make, will take away my Stomack, and will make my head ake; beſides, no body will hear one another ſpeak, neither will our Servants hear what we call for.

Humphrey Diſagree

It will make our Servants the more diligent, for Muſick will revive their Spirits, and will make them agil; wherefore pray Wife let them come in and play.

Lady Diſagree

No pray Husband let them alone a little while longer.

Humphrey Diſagree

If you keep them out untill our Stomacks be full, we ſhall be ſo dull and heavy with the vapour of the meat, as it will not be in the power of Muſick to move our minds to mirth, or ſo drunk with Wine, as the Musick will make us mad.

Lady Diſagree

I hope you will not be mad before you are drunk.

Humphrey Diſagree

No Wife, I will be merry before I am drunk, wherefore Servants call them in.

She ſpeaks as to the Servants.

Lady Diſagree

Let them alone.

Humphrey Diſagree

I ſay they ſhall come and play, and therefore call them in.

Lady Diſagree

I ſay they ſhall not come in, nor play, therefore forbid them.

Humphrey Diſagree

Surely I will be Maſter, and therefore they ſhall play.

Lady Diſagree

Surely I will be Miſtriſs of this Feaſt, and therefore they ſhall not play.

Humphrey 487 Gggggg2r 487

Humphrey Diſagree

Call them.

Lady Diſagree

Let them alone.

The Servants the while ſometimes run as to the door, and then as from it, not knowing whether they ſhould obey. Sir Humphrey riſes as to call them himſelf, She riſes alſo.

Humphrey Diſagree

They ſhall come and play.

He offers to go, She puls him back.

Lady Diſagree

They ſhall not play.

He ſhoves her from him, ſhe takes her Napkin and rouls it, flings it at him, he flings another at her; ſhe takes a Plate, and throws at him, he Curſes, and ſhe Scolds, their Friends ſtrive to part them, and in the ſtrife and buſſle, down goeth all the Pots and Diſhes, and ſo they go fighting, and ſtriving off the Stage. The Servants take away all the meat and things, and after all was gone, Enter two Maid-Servants.

1 Maid

Lord there is ſuch doings within, as it is wonderfull, my Maſter ſwears, my Lady cries, and rails, and rails and cries.

2 Maid

Intruth it is a ſad Feaſt, and I was joyed to think how merry we ſhould all be.

1 Maid

And I pleaſed my ſelf to think, what good cheer we ſhould have, and what dainties we ſhould eat.

2 Maid

Why, ſo may you ſtill.

1 Maid

No Faith in this Hurlyburby every one catcht who catch could, that all is vaniſh’d, and purloyn’d away in this diſorder.

2 Maid

Come let us go, and ſee whether they can agree or not.

1 Maid

That they can never do, ſo long as the ſound of their tongues is within the diſtance of their Ears; beſides nature hath not matcht their diſpoſitions, or humours.

2 Maid

You ſay right, intruth their Souls are miſmatcht, and therefore it is impoſſible they ſhould ever agree.

Exeunt.

Scene 46.

Enter Sir Francis Inconſtant, and Monſieur Diſguiſe.

Sir Francis Inconſtant

Sir my Wife your Miſtriſs is Dead.

Monſieur Diſguiſe

No Sir, my Miſtriſs and your Whore is Dead.

Inconſtant

You are a Villain to corrupt her.

Gggggg2 Diſguiſe. 488 Gggggg2v 488

Diſguiſe

You are a Villain to marry her.

Inconſtant

Draw, for either or both of us Villains ſhall dy.

Diſguiſe

I fear not Death nor you.

They both draw their Swords.

Diſguiſe

Juſtice defend the wrong’d, and take my part.

They fight and give each other deadly wounds; Sir Francis Inconſtant falls, and as he lay on the ground ſpeaks.

Inconſtant

Heaven is juſt, to puniſh perjury with violent Death; O my Conſcience, how it ſtings me at my Death, with the remembrance of the wrongs I did my firſt love.

Monſieur Diſguiſe ſinks cloſe by Sir Francis, and then diſcovers her ſelf.

Miſtriſs Forſaken

Do you know this Face, or have my ſorrows diſfigur’d it ſo much, as you cannot call it to remembrance?

Sir Francis Starts.

Inconſtant

You powers above, affright not my fleeting Soul with viſions, but let it gently paſs, and leave my body to the ſilent grave.

He directs his Speech to her.

Inconſtant

You Spirit divine, take not revenge; for I am truly ſorry for the wrongs I did thee in thy life.

Miſtriſs Forſaken

I forgive you, and know I am no Spirit, and though I cannot ſay I live, becauſe I am dying, yet I am not dead, and that Letter I brought you, was to diſguiſe me the more by a falſe report; but I have acted the deſign of my Travel, which was to end my life with yours, for ſince I could not enjoy you in life, I deſir’d to imbrace you by Death, and ſo I ſhall.

She flings her arms over him and dyes.

Inconſtant

O my Soul make haſte and follow hers.

He kiſſes her, and on her lips dyes.

Finis.