B1r 1

The Presence.

A Comedy.

Act I. Scene I.

As an Introduction to the Play.

Enter Two Gentlemen

First Gentleman.

Tom, How do you like the New
Plays?

2 Gent.

As I like an Old Wife,
Not well.

1 Gent.

If the judgment of the
Stage should hear you, they would
condemn you.

2 Gent.

Faith, that Condemnation would be a Commendation
to me, and a reproach to themselves; for those
that cannot judge of Wit, cannot judge of Me.

B 1 Gent. B1v 2

1 Gent.

Cannot they judg of Wit, say you?

2 Gent.

No; for those that understand not Wit, cannot
judge of Wit.

1 Gent.

Do they not understand Wit?

2 Gent.

No, for if they did, they would not applaud
Plays, that have neither Humour, Wit, nor
Satyr; which are those they name New Plays, made up
of Old Romances.

1 Gent.

But New Plays have Plots, Designs, Catastrophes
and Intrigues.

2 Gent.

What are those?

1 Gent.

Those are to express Policy, Ingenuity and
Art; besides, they describe Love, Justice, Honour, and
the like.

2 Gent.

Why, Seneca doth express Moral Virtues,
and Machiavillian Policy, better and more properly then
Dramatick Poetry; and the Spectators will learn more
in one day, by reading their Works, or such like Authors,
then by seeing forty Plays, and less Charge. Besides,
it doth lessen the esteem of such grave Learning,
neither is it more proper for Plays then the Scripture
is.

1 Gent.

But the Scripture was Acted in the old time.

2 Gent.

Truly, and I have heard they were foolish
Plays, although made out of the Sacred Scripture; and
that there was a Superscription of one Play set upon
a Post, which was thus, Here is a Play to be seen of
King Saul, with the merry Conceits of David and Goliahliah; B2r 3; which certainly was profane. But a Stage is not
an University, Grammar-School, or Church; for by
such actions or descriptions, it would rather abuse Religion,
and corrupt Learning, then advance them; for
though the Stage may be very beneficial to young persons
to learn good Behaviour, Discourse and Wit, yet
not to learn Morality and Divinity; and as for Policy,
all Men are naturally apt to be Dissemblers, they shall
not need to be instructed; also, concerning the description
of foolish Romancical Love, it doth but corrupt
the minds and thoughts of Men and Women, which
causes not only foolish and unhappy Marriages, but
wicked Adulteries.

1 Gent.

But pray tell me what you mean by that
you name Satyr? whether you do not mean railing?

2 Gent.

No, for railing is to speak ill of particular
persons; but Satyr is to reprove general Vices.

1 Gent.

And what do you mean by Wit and
Humour?

2 Gent.

By Wit I mean similizing, and distinguishing
of Words and Things; by Humour I mean
the Behaviours, Dispositions and Practices of Mankind;
all which good Comedies will inform Youth better,
then far and dangerous Travels; but as for Morality
and Policy, as I said before, they are more proper for
Schools and States, then for Stages.

1 Gent.

But Lovers Scenes are most pleasing to the
Spectators, and are the best part in a Play.

2 Gent. B2v 4

2 Gent.

In my opinion the Lover’s part is the worst
part; but as for such Love-making as is in the New
Plays, it would give me as good a vomit to see it,
as Crocus Mettallorum steept in wine, or the like, and
swallow’d down my throat.

Scene II.

Enter as in the Presence, Mons. Conversant,
Mons. Observer, and Mons. Mode.

Conversant.

Good Morrow Gentlemen; Mons. Mode, did not
you attend the Emperor to Chappel to day?

Mode.

No, but I am going to attend him from the
Chappel.

Conv.

It had been better you had attended him into
the Chappel for your own sake, for there you might
have said your Prayers, which, it is probable, you
Courtiers seldom do.

Mode.

Faith, we Courtiers have little time to pray;
for what with Dressing, Trimming, Waiting, Ushering,
Watching, Courting, and the like, all our time is spent.

Obs.

It seems Courtiers are so much concern’d with
their bodies, as they regard not their Souls.

Mode.

Pleasure lives with the Body, and we Courtiers
live with Pleasure; as for the Soul it is not well
known what it is; but let it be what it will, or can be, or is, C1r 5
is, yet it belongs more to another World, then to this;
which other World we Courtiers care not for, nor
think thereof; we only desire to be happy in this World,
for we are well content to quit the Happiness of the
next World for the pleasure of this present World.

Conv.

But yet when Courtiers come to die, they
will wish they had thought more of the next World,
and less of this.

Mode.

Faith, we Courtiers never think of Death,
until Death think of us; and when Death remembers
us so, as to take us out of this World, we believe
we shall only die and turn to dust, and be no
more; we are only troubled and grieved that our
Masking delights are at an end, and that our light of life,
and delights of Pleasures must be put out by Death’s Exstinguisher;
the truth is, with Court-Gallants, Court-
Officers, and State-Magistrates, it is according to the
old observation, which is, “They live without Conscience,
and die without fear”
.

Obs.

I did believe that Courtiers had been so vain,
that they could not be so valiant, as to die without
fear.

Mode.

There are many sorts of Valours, or rather
I may say, Courages; for though most Courtiers have
not Valour to fight Duels, or in Battels; yet they
have courage to run in debt, not fearing Imprisonment,
and they have courage to Court Mistresses, not fearing
the Pox; also, they have courage to flatter, cozen, dissemble,C semble, C1v 6
profess, protest, and then betray, not fearing
dishonour.

Conv.

Will not Courtiers fight, say you?

Mode.

No faith, if they can chuse to avoid it; for
we Courtiers are Men for life, and not for death; for
though we are Men of Action, yet not Warring
Actions.

Conv.

In what are Courtiers active?

Mode.

In Dancing, Racing, Tennis-playing, Carding,
Dicing, and the like; for should a Soldier become a
Courtier, he would become a Coward in a short time;
for the Pleasures of the Court do abate the Courage
of War.

Conv.

I believe you, because you are a Courtier, and
know a Courtier best; but I fear you will not appear a
diligent Attendant, if you go not to the Chappel to
wait upon the Emperour.

Mode.

You say true, wherefore farwell.

Conv.

But before you go, pray inform us of the
cause that makes the Princess so Melancholy?

Mode.

That which makes most Women Melancholy,
to wit, Amorous Love.

Obs.

’Tis said, that it is a pleasing pain; but is the
Princess in Love?

Mode.

Yes.

Conv.

With whom?

Mode.

With no body.

Conv.

Can she be in Love with no body?

Mode. C2r 7

Mode.

Yes faith, rather then Women, will not be
in love, they will love no body.

Conv.

That is impossible.

Mode.

It is not impossible, if an Idea be no body;
and ’tis said, Thoughts are Ideas.

Obs.

I suppose that no Women are in love with their
own Thoughts, for if they were, they would think
more, and speak less; wherefore, you are mistaken; for
Women are in love with their own Words.

Mode.

If they be, their love is placed still upon no
body; for the old opinion is, That Words are bodiless:
But the Princess is in love with an Idea she met with
in a Dream in the Region of her Brain; and unless she
may enjoy this Idea, not only awake, but imbodied, she
cannot be at rest in her mind!

Conv.

If this be true, it is a strange Love!

Mode.

It is as true as strange, and as strange as true;
and all the Ladies in the Court are become Dreaming-
Lovers to imitate the Princess.

Obs.

All the Ladies, say you?

Mode.

Yes faith, All, both Maids, Widows and
Wives.

Conv.

As for Wives, it is fit they should never have
other Lovers, both for their Husbands and their own
sake; for then their Love and Lovers cannot possibly
be known, if they can but keep their own Counsels.

Mode.

But they cannot keep their own Counsels,
for if they could, they would never have divulged their
Amorous Dreams.

Exit Mode. Enter C2v 8 Enter Spend-all to Conversant and Observer.

Conv.

Monsieur Spend-all, I wish you joy of your
Preferment, for I hear you have a place bestow’d upon
you, agreeable and proper for your Pastime and Profession;
for you being a great Gamester, are made
CGroom-Porter.

Spend.

No faith, but I am not; for Keep-all, the old
miserable Userer, is made Groom-Porter.

Conv.

Why, that is very well; for he may put out
his Money to use amongst the Gamesters, and have Am’s
ace
for his Interest; but if he be made Groom-Porter,
you shall be Lord Treasurer.

Spend.

No faith, I would have but one Office, if I
might have my choice.

Obs.

What Office is that?

Spend.

Master of the Mint.

Obs.

That will not do you much good, unless you
were Master of the Coyn; but if you were Master of
the Coyn, you would play all away at Cards and
Dice, Tennis, and such like Games.

Spend.

If I did, I should do but as most Gentlemen
do, that have Estates, which spend their Money for
their pleasure, and I take Pleasure in Gaming.

Conv.

But not to lose.

Spend.

I had rather lose, then not play.

Obs.

I did believe that Gamesters play’d more out of
covetousness, then for pleasure.

Spend.

You mistake; for Gamesters are more in love with D1r 9
with Cards, Dice, and Rackets, then Lovers are with
Women.

Conv.

And I believe Gamesters fear Fortune more
then Lovers do the Spiritual Court, the Parish-
Constable, or the City-Watch.

Spend.

Faith, Fortune is like most Magistrates, or great
Officers, who will cruelly punish some, and partially
favour others; and all her actions are without Reason
and Justice.

Obs.

But you cannot bribe Fortune.

Spend.

No, and in that respect Lovers have the better
of Gamesters.

Conv.

But Gamesters are for the most part Lovers.

Spend.

Faith, no; for a Gamester cannot spare so much
time, as to kiss a Mistress; but fare you well, for I must
go to the Porters Lodge.

Conv.

But tell me truly, before you go, whether
Keep-all the Usurer is made Groom-Porter?

Spend.

The truth is, I did but jest; for he is not
Groom-Porter, but the Knave of Clubs is made
Groom-Porter.

Conv.

If it be so, then that place is properly served,
for the Knave of Clubs is a fit person for that Office.

Exeunt Men. D Scene. D1v 10

Scene III.

Enter the Princess and her Governess.

Princess.

Which of the Gods and Goddesses shall I pray
to assist me, since my beloved is Spiritual,
and not Mortal, at least not Temporal; but yet he is
not Cœlestial; for surely an Idea is not a god, although
it be not a bodily Creature?

Govern.

But Souls may meet and converse, and enjoy
each other.

Prin.

How meet?

Govern.

In the Mind.

Prin.

But that’s no satisfaction to Humane kind.

Govern.

I know not whether Satisfaction doth, but
surely Tranquility lives in the Mind; and the
god of Dreams hath presented the Idea, which surely
is the Soul of some Noble and Meritorious Lover, as
a reward to your Vertue.

Prin.

How foolishly you talk! as if the gods were Lover’s
Mediators: But if they should humble themselves in
such Amorous Imployments, and did present this Idea,
then I should enjoy it every time I sleep; but alass, I
never did perceive it but once, and then like as a
Heavenly Vision, no sooner perceived, but vanished
away.

Govern. D2r 11

Govern.

But can you love so much upon so small
an acquaintance?

Prin.

I am of Marlow’s opinion, Who ever lov’d,
that loves not at first sight!

But this Idea is fixed in my heart,

And whilst I live will never thence depart:

But I will make Apelles my dear Saint,

And he shall both my Love and Passion paint.

Apelles, draw this Passion in my Heart,

And make the Picture of my Love by Art:

For thou the first was he that did invent

To Figure Passions, and them to present

To object’s sence; and if so, then I

May my Idea by my eyes descrie;

For all Ideas they, as spirits prove,

They are not Substance, but in Substance move.

Scene IV.

Enter Mode to
Observer and Spend-all.

Observer.

Are the Ladies coming into the Presence?

Mode,.

No, they all keep their beds to enjoy
their Lovers so, as they sleep to dream, and dream to
be embraced.

Obs.

They shall not need to do that, for they may
be embraced awake.

Mode. D2v 12

Mode.

O fie! that is an old out-worn fashion, and
is more proper for old Ladies, then young.

Obs.

Sure you mistake; for Dreams are more proper
for old Ladies, and waking-embraces for young.

Mode.

Nay, then you mistake, for young Ladies
love Amorous Contemplations, otherwise they would
not delight so much in Romances as they do; but old
Ladies who have more experience, and so are wiser, love
the fruition of Realities; which makes them love young
Men, not in Dreams or Romances, but in Courts and
Cities.

Spend.

If so, then young Men may despair of young
Women, and old Women not be jealous of young
Women; and if I were sure of that, I would presently
clap up a Match with an old doting Lady that I
am acquainted withal, who is as rich as old.

Mode.

You had best make hast for fear you should
have Rivals; for if all young Men despair, the old
Women will be so Wooed, that the multiplicity and
choice will make them as nice, coy and proud, as the
most prime young Beauties.

Spend.

You say true, wherefore I will be beforehand,
and go to her before she hears of this dreaming-fashion.

Conv.

But how if this fashion should soon change to
a quite opposite?

Spend.

Yes, there is the danger; therefore I will
not go.

Enter. E1r 13 Enter the young Princess Melancholy, and some Ladies,
whereof one rubs her eyes, the other gapes, the third
stretches her self; all passing over the Stage.

Obs.

Lord bless us! what a drowsie fashion the Ladies
have got?

Conv.

But to my view, they were not so drowsie but
they did leer upon us.

Mode.

That was to view if any of us was the Man
they dream’d of.

Obs.

O Lord! if it be thy will, let me be the Man the
Princess dreams of.

Spend.

And I desire I might be the Man they all
did dream of; which if so, the Grand Signior would
not be better served, then I should; nor more numerously,
for I should have all the young Women in the
Kingdom.

Mode.

If you had, you could not Marry them all.

Spend.

No, but I could Manage them all.

Mode.

They would rather Manage you.

Spend.

I should be well pleas’d to be Managed by a
young Lady.

Mode.

But not by so many young Ladies as are in
the Kingdom.

Obs.

If he were, he would be Managed so, as to be a
lame Jade.

Exeunt. E Scene. E1v 14

Scene V.

Enter Lady Quick-wit, and Self-conceit..

Quick-wit.

Self-conceit, the new Maids are come that are to be
our Chamber-fellows.

Self.

Where, where are they? for God’s sake, tell me
quickly, I long to see them, but are they handsome?

Quick.

No, by my troth; for one of them is so bashful,
that what Beauty Nature hath given here, is spoiled
for want of breeding; the other is none of Nature’s
choicest Pieces.

Self.

But what are they?

Quick.

They are gone by the back-staires, to the
Princess.

Self.

The Princess keeps her Chamber to day.

Quick.

Yes, but she has permitted them into her
Presence.

Enter all the Gentlemen.

Self.

Gallants, are the new Maids come from the
Princess?

Mode.

No, we come to see them; for it is said, they
are very handsome.

Self.

I have heard by two or three, That they are
not handsome.

Quick.

They are coming, they are coming.

Enter the Mother, and the Lady Bashful. Moth. E2r 15

Moth.

Where is the Princess, Gentlemen, to give
the Oath to this young Lady? All the Gentlemen come to Salute her.

Obs.

Mother, will you give me leave to Salute your
Daughter?

Moth.

Should I not give you leave, you would
take leave.

He Salutes the young Maid.

Obs.

Lady, you will add to the Splendour of
the Court.

Conv.

Lady, you will advance the Glory of your
Sex.

He Salutes Her.

Mode.

Mother, you are one of the fortunatest Mothers
that ever came to the Court; for here was never
such a company of Beauties at one time, as is at this
time.

Moth.

Come, come, you are all Flatterers; wherefore
my Daughter beware of them.

Self.

Mother, your new-come Daughter is bashful.

Quick.

You must perswade her to hold up her head.

Self.

What eyes has she, black or gray?

Moth.

Well, well, pray have patience; for by that
time she has been in the Court so long as either of you,
has been, she will be as confident as any in the Court.

Quick.

But Mother where is your other new Dauughter?

Moth.

She is coming forth; and by my faith she is
a metled Lass indeed. But come Daughter Bashful, we
must go seek the Gentleman that must give you your
Oath.

Exit Mother, and Lady Bashful. Quick. E2v 16

Quick.

Lord! how simply she looks!

Mode.

Give me a simple Girl; I love to teach, not
to learn.

Self.

What a dull eye she has!

Conv.

A Melancholy eye, for variety, sometimes
pleases best.

Self.

She has an unfortunate brow.

Obs.

Her brows seem like a bow, that’s ready bent
to shoot Love’s glances forth.

Quick.

She hangs down her head as if she were working
of Cross-stitch.

Spend.

She looks as if she would be as constant as
Penelope was.

Enter the other new Maid, the Lady Wagtail.

Wagt.

Where is the the Mother, is she always so confident
of her Daughters, as to leave them to themselves?

Mode.

I marry Sir, this Lady seems to have mettal.

Conv.

She seems of a free Spirit.

Obs.

A Lady of an excellent Presence.

Spend.

There is life in her Countenance.

Wagt.

Pray, Gentlemen, which way went the Mother?

All the Gentlemen run out to seek the Mother, then
return back and speak to Her.

Lady.

The Mother will come presently.

Wagt.

Pray, Gentlemen, excuse me for troubling you;
I should not have been so rude, but that I am ignorant
of the wayes in Court, but I shall be industrious to
learn them, and then I shall be ready to serve you.

Gent. F1r 17

Gent.

We are all your Vassals, Lady.

Lady Wagtail addresses her self to Self-conceit and
Quick-wit.

Wagt.

Ladies, I shall be glad to have the honour of
your Friendship, and to be endeared to such honourable
Sisters.

Self.

We shall be ready to serve you.

Enter Mrs. Wanton, one of the Maids of Honour, as
running into the Room.

Want.

Where is my Comrade? where is my Comrade?

Wagtail and Wanton meet, Embrace and Kiss
each other.

Want.

Dear Wagtail, thou art according to my heart.

Wagt.

My dear Wanton, I make no doubt, but
shall agree very well.

Want.

I was so joy’d, when I heard you were allotted
to be my Chamber-fellow, for I was so afraid of that clod
of dull Earth, the new come fellow; for it is reported
that she makes Conditions not to be with such a Chamber-fellow
that sits up late, or hath much Company.

Wagt.

The Princess says, she must be in the Chamber
of Mrs. Quick-wit.

Quick.

She shall not lie with me, let her lie in the
Chamber of Mrs. Self-conceit.

Self.

With me? By my troth, that shall not be, for
shall I that have been here this dozen years, have the
rubbish thrown into my Chamber.

Want.

Why, then she must lie with the old Mother,
there is no other place.

F Quick. F1v 18

Quick.

Why, the old Mother sits up as late with the
old Signiors of the Court, as any of her Daughters do
with the young Monsieurs.

Exeunt Ladies.

Obs.

I hope if there be no room for the young
Lady amongst Women, she will be forced to come to
us Men for a Lodging.

Mode.

Faith, we shall quarrel as much, who shall
have her, as the Women do, to cast her out of their
Company.

Spend.

I am of the Ladies mind, I would not willingly
have her; for she appears with such a divine Purity,
as if she would be apt to convert me from my
Debauchery, and trouble my Conscience with Repentance.

Exeunt.

Scene VI.

Enter Quick-wit, and Wagtail.

Quick-wit.

Lady, I hear you have an admiring Servant.

Wagt.

For God’s sake Lady Quick-wit, tell me
who it is?

Quick.

You know who it is.

Wagt.

Nay, prithee tell me; in faith I know not who
it is.

Quick.

You dissemble in making your self ignorant.

Wagt.

In truth I do not know; wherefore prithee
tell me, for I long to know who it is.

Quick. F2r 19

Quick.

I hope your Servant has not put you into a
longing humour?

Wagt.

No, but you have, and therefore tell me.

Quick.

’Tis reported, Monsieur Ape is your admiring
Servant.

Wagt.

Truly Monsieur Ape is a very fine Person.

Quick.

Indeed he wears fine Clothes.

Wagt.

The truth is, he is a neat spruce Courtier.

Quick.

He ought to be so, spending most of his time
in dressing and trimming himself.

Wagt.

He is a very Civil Man to our Sex.

Quick.

He is so, if it be a Civility to kiss the Ladies
Busks, Fans, Gloves, and the tails of the Gowns.

Wagt.

He is a well-bred Gentleman.

Quick.

Yes, if good breeding lies in the Heels, for he
dances well.

Wagt.

He is an exact Courtier.

Quick.

’Tis true, for he Flatters and Complements.

Wagt.

He is a great Scholar.

Quick.

He is well read in Fashions, and studies new
Modes.

Wagt.

He hath and Elegant speech.

Quick.

And speaks in Romancical stile.

Wagt.

And he has a ready Wit.

Quick.

To imitate Extravagancies.

Wagt.

He is a Valiant Man.

Quick.

To take foolish Women Prisoners.

Wagt.

He is a Politick Man.

Quick. F2v 20

Quick.

He is so, in pretending to have more power
with the Emperor then he hath; by which means he
gets Clients to Fee him, and simple ignorant Men to
Bribe him, for which Fees and Bribes, they have fair
words and large promises, but not any performances.

Wagt.

I perceive Monsieur Ape is not your admiring
Servant, you speak so spitefully of him.

Quick.

It seems I am not his admirer, I speak so truly
of him.

Wagt.

I must not hear any evil against my Servant
Monsieur Ape.

Quick.

Then you must not hear him mentioned.

Enter Lady Self-conceit, with her Portrait.

Self.

Quick-wit, I have been seeking you to shew you
my Portrait.

Quick.

What Painter drew it?

Self.

A Painter did not draw it, but a Poetical Lord
did write it.

Quick.

So I perceive a Portrait is a Mode-Phrase for
a Character, or a Description; and a Portrait, Character
and Description of Particulars, signifies one and the
same thing.

Self.

Yes, but Characters and Descriptions have been
so often used, writ and named, that the Readers are so
weary’d with those old fashioned names, as it keeps them
all from reading the matter or subject of such Writings.

Quick.

So, then the word Portrait is to invite the
Readers to read it.

Self. G1r 21

Self.

No doubt of that, and well, if the word Portrait
will perswade them to read it; but shall I read my Portrait
to you?

Quick.

Yes, I desire to hear a Portrait, for though I
have seen many Portraits, yet I have never heard them
speak.

Lady Self-conceit reads her Portrait.

Self.

Your Curls of Hair like Clouds, yet black as night;

Your Eyes as Stars do give a Sparkling light;

Your Forehead like the Heavens milky way;

Your Nose a hill of Snow in Valley lay;

Your lips like Rosie-morn when th’ Sun doth rise,

Shine on your Chin, as bright as he i’th’ skies;

From whence the Beams dilated on your breast,

Do make a Torrid Zone ’tween East and West;

And those that do this Heav’nly Picture view,

Must needs confess ’twas only made for you.

Quick.

Faith, this is like the Painter that drew a Rose
for a Woodcock.

Self.

What, do you call me a Woodcock?

Quick.

Why? a Woodcock is a fine Bird, and good
Meat; but why did this Portrait-maker draw or
describe you no farther then the breast?

Self.

By reason many Persons Pictures are drawn no
farther.

Quick.

It was a shrewd sign, he could similize no
farther.

Self.

He could not go beyond the Heavens.

G Quick. G1v 22

Quick.

In my opinion he has gone too great a Journey
in going so far; for I believe it has made his Poetical
feet, which I perceive to be diseased with the Gout,
too weary; for he has travel’d through the Ecliptick
line; but if he have crost the line, I think he must have
gone from South to North, a very cold Climate.

Self.

I perceive you are spiteful at my Portrait, because
you have not one made of you.

Quick.

Can you blame me if I be spiteful to see you
Metamorphosed from a Terrestrial Body, to a Cœlestial
Portrait.

Enter Observer and Conversant.

Obs.

Ladies, how doth the Princess?

Quick.

The Princess is very Melancholy, and it is fear’d
she will fall into a Consumption.

Self.

But the Emperor to prevent it, will send for all
the Gentry and Nobility in the Empire to present themselves
to the Princess, and whomsoever she likes, she
shall have.

Conv.

But how if her Idea should prove a Married
Man?

Quick.

The truth is, it disturbs the Thoughts of Married
Wives; for those that love their Husbands, are
afraid, and those that care not for their Husbands hope;
but all the Men are well pleased in hope of being Emperor,
for you know the Princess is Heir to the Crown.

Enter Mode.

Mode.

Lady, how doth the Princess?

Quick. G2r 23

Quick.

She is as all Lovers are, Melancholy.

Mode.

Are all Lovers Melancholy?

Quick.

Yes, when they cannot enjoy their Beloved;
and her Beloved is but a shadow, which the more it
is follow’d, the farther it flies; wherefore she is Melancholy,
as being despised.

Self-conceit sighs.

Quick.

What makes you sigh?

Self.

Faith, because I am not a Princess, to have my
choice of all the Men in the Empire.

Quick.

I would not be a Princess upon that condition,
for I should be as much troubled to chuse, as to
refuse.

Self.

That is a sign you love Men well.

Quick.

Why say you so?

Self.

Because you express your trouble, that you
should desire more then one, and be loth to deny any.

Enter a Fool.

Fool.

Oh Ladies, Oh the strange sights that I have
seen! the monstrous strange sights that I have seen!

Quick.

What monstrous sights have you seen?

Fool.

Why, I have seen strange Monsters!

Quick.

What Monsters?

Fool.

I saw Men with strange Heads, and as strange
Bodies; for they had the speech of Men, and the upright
shape of Men, and yet were partly like as other
Creatures; for one Man had an Asses head, and his
body was like a Goose; another Man had a Jack-a- napes- G2v 24
napes-head, but all his body was like a Baboon, and he
shew’d tricks, as Jack-a-napes and Baboons use to do;
another Man had a Swines head, and all his body was
like a Goat; Another had a head like a Stag, with a
large pair of branched Horns, and all his body was
featur’d like a Woodcock, and his arms were feather’d
as a Woodcocks wings, but he could not fly
from his disgrace, for his Horned head did hinder the
flight of his Wings; Then I saw a Woman that was
not like a Mare-Maid, for Mare-Maids are like Women
from the head to the waste, and from the waste like
a Fish; but this Woman was like a Fish from the head
to the waste, and from the waste like a Beast; so that
she was a Batons rompus; Another Woman had the eyes
of a Crocodile, but her body was like a changeable
Cameleon; and many other Monstrous Creatures did
I see.

Self.

Where did you see those Monsters?

Fool.

Where they are to be seen.

Self.

Where is that?

Fool.

In Dreams, when I was asleep.

Quick.

It seems you have a Fool’s head that dreams
such fantastical Dreams.

Fool.

The wisest and gravest heads that are, do dream
such Dreams; for a Philospher’s head hath butter-flies
Dreams; and a Politician, although he has a Foxes
head when he is awake, yet he has but an Asse’s head
when he sleeps.

Quick. H1r 25

Quick.

You are a Knave awake, and a Fool asleep.

Fool.

Then I am a wise Man.

Quick.

Is a Knave a wise Man?

Fool.

According to the foolishness of the World he
is; for if the World of Mankind, which is the most
part, were not Fools, Knaves could not cozen them;
and those are wiser that deceive, then those that are deceived;
at least, they are accounted so by those Fools
they have deceived.

Self.

You speak like an Ass.

Fool.

If I speak like Balaam’s Ass, I speak wisely;
but truly Ladies I had a pleasant Dream.

Quick.

What Dream was that?

Fool.

I dream’d that all the Princess Maids of Honour
did dance about me, and after that they did all kiss me,
which was very pleasant to me; for though they danced
like Apes, they kissed like Courtisans.

Quick.

Out, you Rogue, do you say we kiss like
Courtisans.

Fool.

Why all Women kiss alike, ask the Gentlemen.

Exit Fool.

Self.

Come Quick-wit, let us go and see how the
Princess doth.

Obs.

The Ladies are much concerned for the Princess
Sickness.

Mode.

I believe they are all troubled with that Disease,
although they are more crafty to conceal it.

Conv.

The Emperor is very strict to the Princess, so H that H1v 26
that he will not suffer any Man to come near her but
Mimick the fool; and he is only suffered to divert her
Melancholy.

Obs.

He is more a Knave then a Fool; wherefore
he might more safely have trusted the wisest Man in
the Kingdom.

Scene VII.

The Princess lies upon a Couch as sick, and her eyes shut.
Soft Musick is heard, and a Song sung.

Princess[Speaker label not present in original source]

You God of Sleep send Dreams for to restore

The Princess mind to be as ’twas before;

Or else you other Gods that dwell above,

Cause her to dream of a Seraphick Love:

Let not her Mortal Soul so cloud the Light

Of her Immortal Soul that shines so bright.

Cast out the vain Idea from her brain,

That nothing of that Figure may remain.

After this, the Fool standing at the Door, sings a part of
an Old Ballet; as follows.

Fool[Speaker label not present in original source]

This long seven years and more, have I still lov’d thee,

Do then my joy restore, fair Lady pity me,

Pity my grievous pains long suffer’d for thy sake,

Which will not let me rest, for no rest can I take:

Fair H2r 27

Fair Lady pity me, do not my Suit deny,

O yield me some relief that shall for sorrow die.

How can I pity thee, the Lady then repli’d,

I am no Match for thee, thy Suit must be deny’d;

I am of Royal blood, thou of a mean degree,

It stands not for my Good that I should Marry thee:

This Answer oft I had, which struck my heart full deep,

And on my bed full soft did I lie down and weep.

Singing the last Verse, the Fool enters, and the Princess
awakes.

Prin.

How dare you disturb me with your Foolery?

Fool.

Fools never disturb, for we are made for Laughter,
not for anger.

Prin.

Carry away the Fool to the Porter’s Lodge,
and let him be soundly whipt.

Fool.

No, carry the Princess to the Emperors Chamber,
and let her there be whipt, for she is more Fool
then I; for she is in love with a Dream, and I am in
love with a Princess; the truth is, I have a great desire
to be an Emperor, and you had better love a Fool
then a Shadow.

Prin.

In truth I will tell the Emperor my Father.

Fool.

I faith, that will not help you; for he is wise,
and knows I am the fittest Match for you; for he knows
that when two Fools Marry, they make but one Fool;
and he will chuse rather to have but one Fool then two;
and when we are Married we shall make one grand Fool,
and that will amount, and be as much as indifferently wise.

Prin. H2v 28

Prin.

I will have your Tongue cut out of your
Head.

Fool.

You will as soon cut off my Head; but let
me tell you, You shall not; nay by’r Lady, you must
not be in this humour, the Emperor commands it, as
also that you shall come to him.

Exeunt Omnes.

Act II. Scene I.

Enter Spend-all in a fine Suit of Clothes, meeting Conversant.

Conversant.

Jupiter bless us! how fine and brave you are, in a rich
Suit of Clothes; is this your Wedding day?

Spend.

No, this day is not my Wedding day; but this
Suit is my Wooing-Suit, for I am going to Woo an
old Lady, who is very Rich.

Conv.

Is she Wise?

Spend.

I hope not, for if she were, she would never
grant my Suit; but if she be a Fool, as I hope she is,
then Youth and Bravery will win her.

Conv.

And the more sprightly, lively, and fantastical
you appear, the better the old Lady will like you.

Spend.

I believe you; but I doubt that the sight of
the old Lady will put me into so dull and Melancholy
a humour, as I shall not please her.

Conv.

Imagine her a young Beauty.

Spend. I1r 29

Spend.

I cannot imagine her a young Beauty, when
I see her; for Imagination works only upon absent
Objects.

Conv.

Then think her your Reverend Grand-Dame.

Spend.

That will make me think of death, she being
dead.

Conv.

Nay faith, she will rather make you think of a
Resurrection.

Spend.

Can I think an old wrinkled Woman, a glorified
body?

Conv.

I forgot the Glory, I only thought of
Life; but however, you may think her a Saint.

Spend.

That I cannot; if she marry me, a young, vain,
deboist Man, which is, a Sinner.

Conv.

Imagine she Marries you to convert you from
Evil to Good.

Spend.

Nay faith, she would sooner pervert me, were
I good, to evil; but were she a wise, reverend, virtuous
aged Woman, I could love her better then a wanton
young Filly; also, I should be ruled and govern’d by
her experienced advice and counsel; but those ancient
Women that are so, will not Marry a wild, vain
young Man.

Conv.

There is not any thing that can rule, advise,
or govern you, but Time.

Spend.

Why, an ancient Woman is Time; for though
she be not old Father Time, yet she is old Mother
Time.

I Conv. I1v 30

Conv.

Well, go to the old Lady, woo her, win her,
and Marry her; for if you will wink, or shut your eyes,
she will be as pleasing as a young Wife.

Spend.

Would you have me a blind Wooer, and a
blind Husband?

Conv.

It would be happy for some Husbands if they
were blind, that they might not see their own disgrace;
for many a Husband sees his Neighbour in bed with
his Wife; and it would be great wisdom in old
Women, if they would, or must of necessity, Marry a
young Man, to Marry a blind young Man, that he
might not see her decays, ruines and wrinkles.

Spend.

Well, I will go and try if I can perswade this
old Lady to Marry me.

Conv.

Do so, for it may become a fashion for young
Men to Marry old Women.

Enter Lady Bashful, Spend-all addresses himself to her.

Spend.

Lady, I was a while since in the Privy Chamber,
where my eyes did search for you, but they could
not single you out from the rest of the Ladies.

Bash.

It seems that either you were blind, or that I
had not any Beauty.

Spend.

The Ladies in Court, when they stand
close together, are like the Heaven’s milky way; for the
number of Stars appears like a thick white stream, so
as no particular Star can be discerned.

Bash.

I had rather be a Meteor singly alone, then a
Star in a Crowd.

Exit. Enter I2r 31 Enter Lady Quick-wit.

Spend.

Lady, will you give me leave to be your
admiring Servant?

Quick.

The truth is, we Ladies in Court have so
many Courting-Servants, that we know not how to
govern them.

Spend.

I shall be govern’d easily; for I will watch your looks with admiration, listen to your words with
great attention, study your thoughts with serious Contemplation,
and obey all your Commands with pious
devotion.

Quick.

Admiration dazles the sight, sight stops the
hearing, hearing hinders the thinking, and action is an
enemy to study.

Spend.

You have so much Wit, Lady, that your Wit
is able to govern the whole World.

Quick.

Wit can easier make a World, then govern a
World; for Wit is a better architect then Governor;
in truth Wit cannot rule it self; for Wit is ruled by
Judgment; and thus by mispraising Wit, you have
done Judgment wrong.

Exit Quick-wit.

Spend.

Faith, I am an unfortunate Man in Courtships.

Conv.

That is, because you Complement with the
Ladies, that love to have Men talk to them
rudely.

Spend.

Well, I will try my own way of Courtship
once more, if I can converse with any of them
again.

Conv. I2v 32

Conv.

Then you shall never win their favours.

Enter Lady Self-conceit.

Spend.

Lady, you are finer drest then any Lady in
the Court.

Self.

’Tis a sign I want Beauty, that I am forced to
use the art of dressing; and you the flattery of Commendations,
seeing I had not Beauty worthy of a true
praise.

Spend.

The Court is the Sphere of Beauty, Lady.

Self.

And Men are Beauties Gazers.

Spend.

Men are Love’s Astronomers, Lady.

Self.

And what new Star-like Beauty have you
found out?

Spend.

You, Lady.

Exit Self-conceit without Answering.

Spend.

Oh happy Man that I am, for I am a Conqueror.

Conv.

Of what are you a Conqueror, of Wit?

Spend.

No of Love; for silence gives consent.

Conv.

But you did not woo her to love.

Spend.

Not woo her! prithee what have I been
speaking of all this while?

Conv.

Why, you have been Complementing.

Spend.

’Tis true, and Complements are Lovers
Wooings.

Conv.

But you forget the old Lady; you were going
to woo before you saw these young Ladies.

Spend.

Hang Old Ladies, give me a Young Lady.

Conv. K1r 33

Conv.

But consider, the old Lady is rich.

Spend.

’Tis true, and I want wealth; wherefore I’le
go a wooing to the old Lady, and leave my heart
with the young Ladies; but now I think better of it;
I will not go, for I believe you stay here to watch a
time, to get one of these young Beauties alone.

Conv.

No, no, I will stay here to be an Agent in
love, for you.

Spend.

I desire no such Agent as you; for you are
a subtile, slie Gentleman, you will take your time and
opportunity; besides, you have Lands and Money,
which will winn a young Lady sooner, then fine
Clothes and Complements will do.

Conv.

Prithee be not jealous, for young Ladies
are not so wise as to love prudently.

Spend.

What a Pox should you dwell in this
Room, if it were not for some such design?

Conv.

I stay here to observe Humours, hear Wit, and
to see Beauties.

Spend.

And not to make Love?

Conv.

No.

Spend.

If it be so, then, prithee, praise me to the
young Ladies.

Conv.

I will, I will.

Spend.

Do not forget any of my good parts.

Conv.

I cannot forget them; for I do not remember
any you have.

Exit Spend-all. K Enter K1v 34 Enter Observer.

Conv.

Observer, I wonder you will be absent out of
this Room, in regard you only come to observe the
Court beauties and Court-wits.

Observ.

Faith, I became tired and wearied of the observations
in this Room, the Presence; and so I went
into the Privy-Chamber to observe the Emperor.

Conv.

And how did he appear?

Observ.

He did appear in Majesty, as far beyond
his Royalty, as his Royalty appears above his meanest
Subjects.

Conv.

Then he appear’d as a God.

Observ.

Indeed he appear’d above what is mortal.

Conv.

And did you hear him speak?

Observ.

Yes; and he was in so witty a vein, that my
Hearing was (as if it were) tyed to his speech, and my
Mind so fill’d with delight, that I had not power to
stir from the place I stood, but both my body and
mind were (as ’twere) fixt to a Deitical Centre.

Conv.

I perceive, that you, instead of an Observer,
are become a Courtier; and now you have learn’d to
flatter.

Obs.

Not so, for by Heav’n I speak the truth of my
thoughts and belief; for though I do not believe the
Emperor to be a God, yet God and Nature have made,
and endued him, to be above all other Men; for name
me any other Prince or private Man in this age, that has
that sweet Nature, excellent Qualities, experienced Know- K2r 35
Knowledg, clear Understanding, upright Justice, Heroick
Courage, free Generosity, and divine Clemency as
he has; and if you match him in all the known World,
proclaim me a Fool and a Lyar, which is to be a Flatterer,
a Vice I hate.

Conv.

I confess, there are two Reasons that perswade
me to be of your mind; the first is, That I have
observed the same in the Emperor; the second is, That
I did never know you to flatter, dissemble, or speak
false in my life; for you are so infinitely proud, that you
will not descend so low as to flatter, or be so humble
in praises, were it to God himself.

Obs.

God is too Omnipotent for Praise, and our
Emperor too Heroick and truly Royal for Flattery; so
that the one is not a subject for praise, nor the other for
Flattery.

Scene II.

Enter Lady Quick-wit, Self-conceit, Wanton and
Wagtail.

Self-conceit.

I Will tell you a Wonder.

Quick.

What Wonder?

Self.

Why, I found Mrs. Bashful alone with a Man.

Quick.

Why, that’s no wonder to see a Man and a Wo- K2v 36
Woman alone, especially in the Court; for we watch
all opportunities, upon every occasion, to be so.

Self.

But ’tis a wonder to see Bashful alone with a
Man, and abroad too; for she shuns Men, as she would
do Serpents, and locks her Chamber-doors against them,
and accounts it a crime to be seen undress’d, and a sin
not to be forgiven, to be seen in bed.

Quick.

Why, she was neither in bed, nor undrest, I
suppose.

Self.

No, she was at Madam Civilities house, and
’tis to be hoped she will come to it in time, when she has so much wit, as to hold a Discourse.

Want.

She hold a Discourse! she wants the Capacity,
she wants the Capacity.

Wagt.

Nay, you can give the best relation or description
of her; for you were her bed-fellow.

Self.

Prithee what is she, a meer Mope; doth she never
speak or discourse to you?

Want.

You shall judge, whether she doth or not; for
she will never ask a question, nor make a doubt, nor
give her opinion upon any thing.

Enter Bashful.

Quick.

Come, poor Bashful, there is none makes
much of thee.

Bash.

I should be loth to be made much of, after the
Court fashion.

Wagt.

After the Court fashion! How is that? express
it, express it.

Bash. L1r 37

Bash.

Nay, you can express it best.

Quick.

Faith, I pity thee for having no Servant.

Bash.

I had rather be pitied for having no Servant,
then censured for having too many.

Self.

If you be a good Girl, and do as the rest of your
Honourable Sisters, or as all Court-Ladies do, I will
send you some of my worn Servants to Court you.

Bash.

No, pray keep them as a store, lest you
should want your self.

Exit Bashful.

Self.

Faith, she is fitter for a Nunnery, then a
Court.

Quick.

But I observe the Court has improved her
Wit.

Want.

Nay, the Court is the only Place to make
Fools, Wits.

Quick.

Or Wits, Fools.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Spend-all, and Conversant.

Conversant.

Monsieur Spend-all, how do you prosper in your
old Lady’s affection?

Spend.

Faith, more prosperously then I desire.

Conv.

Would not you willingly enjoy her.

Spend.

Yes her Wealth, but not her Person.

Conv.

You must take the worse with the better; for L I L1v 38
I have observed, that Fortune, Fate, Nature, and the
Gods, mix Good and Evil, Pleasure and Discontent,
Health and Sickness together.

Spend.

I confess there is not any thing perfect, or
pure in Nature; but God be praised in his Creatures, and
all things.

Conv.

Then God be praised for the love of the old
Lady to you.

Spend.

I have much strife with my self to give praises
for her; but I desire and should give thanks to see
some of the young Ladies, that I might converse with
them to revive me from death to life, from hate to love.

Enter Lady Quick-wit.

Spend.

Lady, you are the life of the Court.

Quick.

And the Court is the life of me, Sir.

Spend.

Your Eyes give light to all the beholders.

Quick.

I had rather my wit could give life to all the
Hearers.

Spend.

But your Beauty doth excell all the Beauties
in the Court.

Quick.

Until you converse with another Lady, and
then her Beauty doth as far excell mine, as mine at this
present doth excell others.

Spend.

Indeed, Beauty appears best in Conversation.

Quick.

And worse with often viewing.

Spend.

No more then the light of the Sun doth.

Quick.

The more the Sun is gaz’d upon, the blinder
the sight is.

Spend L2r 39

Spend.

That is the reason the splendor of the Sun’s
light doth over-power the sight.

Quick.

Why, then the splendor puts out the sight of
his light, which buries his glory in the darkness of blindness;
and if my Beauty doth the like, I am sorry for
it; for I would not have such a Beauty as digs its own
grave in the Eyes of its admirers; but as a moderate Light,
so moderate a Beauty pleases the sight best.

Exit Quick-wit. Enter Lady Self-conceit.

Spend.

Lady, there is not any Man doth more admire
you, then I.

Self.

If I have Merit, you ought to give Merit its
due; and if I am worthy of admiration, I am bound
to the Gods and Nature for their favours, and not to
you for your Praises.

Spend.

But all men do neither honour, nor admire
what is worthy of either.

Self.

If they do not, the injury is to Nature and
the Gods.

Exit Self-conceit.

Conv.

Faith, Spend-all, your Complements will not
serve you in Love-matters.

Spend.

I confess they are not fortunate.

Enter Lady Bashful.

Spend.

Madam, I wonder you should hide any part
of your Face with Black-patches, your Face being fair
and lovely.

Bashf.

Black-patches curiously cut and stuck upon the L2v 40
the Face, are like wise Sentences in a Speech, they give
Grace and Lustre.

Enter Self-conceit.

Self.

Lady Bashful, I have been seeking you all the Court
over, in every Lodging, and I could not find you.

Bashf.

You see, I am not lost, for here I am; but
where’s the Lady Quickwit?

Self.

She is within, and asks for you.

Enter Quickwit.

Quick.

O! it is so cold! so very cold, as it is able to
freeze all the Lovers hearts in the Court and City!

Conv.

And not in the Country, Lady?

Quick.

O no, for those that dwell in the Country,
make such great Blazing fires, as they thaw Cold, and
heat Love.

Conv.

Love doth not require Heat, for it is sufficiently
hot of it self.

Quick.

Yes, when it is in a Fever, in which Love most
commonly dies: But come Ladies, shall we go to
Supper?

Spend.

Conversant, tell Lady Quick-wit, I am in Love
with her.

Conv.

Lady, Monsieur Spend-all sayes, he is in Love
with you.

Quick.

I hate to hear of Love by a Second, it seems
so like a Challenge.

Exeunt all the Ladies.

Spend.

Faith, Court-Ladies have quick Wits.

Conv.

They are bred to answer, they are so often spoke M1r 41
spoke to, but of all the Ladies, I confess, I like the Lady
Quick-wit
.

Spend.

Faith, I like them all so well, I know not
which to like best; and I wish with all my heart, they
all would like me as well as my old Lady doth; Oh,
what a happy Man should I be, for I should have
variety of Pleasures!

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Wagtail, and Wanton.

Wanton.

The Lord of Loyalty sent me a merry Letter to day;
and in the Letter, a Copy of Verses, desiring me to
give them to Madam Bashful.

Wagt.

Faith, those Verses will make her so conceited
with her self, that she will be so proud, as to think her
self the only she in the Court; wherefore, let me advise
you not to give them her.

Want.

But what shall I say to the Lord of Loyalty,
if he should ask me, whether I had given them to
her.

Wagt.

Put it off with Rallery.

Enter the Mother, and Observer.

Want.

Mother, where is your Daughter Bashful,
she is not here to attend the Princess coming
forth?

M Moth M1v 42

Moth.

She is gone abroad.

Wagt.

Yes, to meet the Lord Loyalty.

Want.

Indeed Mother, you are too blame, to let your
Daughters go abroad without you; and if the Princess
should know of it, she would be very angry.

Moth.

Why, she ask’d the Princess leave.

Wagt.

It is a shame she should be abroad without the
Mother; it is enough to disgrace all the Sister-hood; and
therfore for Juno’s sake, send for her home.

Observ.

Why Ladies, I have known the Princess’s
Maids many times to go abroad without the Mother,
and no disgrace to their Honour.

Want.

But not to meet such Company as she is gone
to, for all the Kingdom knows, the Lord of Loyalty
is none of the chastest men; and he courts her for
her Youth and Beauty; ’tis not likely he will marry her;
for he loves Variety too well, to tie himself to one.

Observ.

Truly I am of that opinion; but she is so Vertuous,
she cannot be corrupted.

Enter Self-conceit.

Self.

Mother, the Princess is very angry that Madamoisel
Bashful
is gone abroad without you; she says,
that though she gave her leave to go abroad, she thought
she had so much discretion as to take the Mother along
with her; but you must send for her presently.

Want.

Go, go, quickly Mother, quickly.

Wagt.

I will go for her.

Want.

Nay, I will go for her.

Self. M2r 43

Self.

Nay, pray stay, and let the Mother go her
self.

Scene V.

Enter Observer, Conversant.

Conversant.

Monsieur Observer, I heard a Lady say, you were
a Fool.

Obs.

Ladies may say what they please.

Conv.

But it seems, you have not pleased her, that
she calls you Fool.

Obs.

It seems I have not courted her.

Conv.

Are Ladies never pleas’d but when they are
Courted?

Obs.

No Faith; for then they think they are not
thought Handsom.

Conv.

Indeed Women delight in their Beauties.

Obs.

Not unless men admire their Beauties; for they
are delighted with their Beauties, for the delight of
Courtship; Beauty gets them Suiters; for were they
ill-favoured, they would never be wooed.

Conv.

But when they are wooed, they are not presently
wonne.

Obs.

Yes Faith, they are wonne before they be wooed;
and being wooed, they presently yield.

Conv.

The truth is, Women have kind natures.

Obs. M2v 44

Obs.

Not so kind as willing.

Conv.

Women are Loving-creatures.

Obs.

Yes, they are Self-lovers.

Conv.

Not when they give themselves to men.

Obs.

They give themselves to men, because men
should give themselves to them.

Conv.

So they love men out of self-interest.

Obs.

No doubt of it.

Conv.

You are an unjust Man.

Obs.

In what?

Conv.

In dispraising all the Sex out of a displeasure
to one Woman, for calling you Fool.

Obs.

I should not only be call’d a fool, but should
prove my self one, if I should regard what Women
say.

Enter Monsieur Wedlock. ; Spend-all

Conv.

Monsieur Wedlock, how doth your Lady?

Wedl.

She is groaning and complaining.

Conv.

What is she in labour?

Wedl.

No, but she is breeding.

Conv.

Monsieur Spend-all, I hear you are entring
into the Matrimonial Order.

Spend.

Yes, Faith, I am going into the Order of
Cuckolds, Wittals, or Fools.

Obs.

Why, Marriage is an honourable. Order.

Spend.

The Order is as it proves; but if you think
it so honourable, why will not you be one of this
Matrimonial Order?

Obs. N1r 45

Obs.

Because I am not ambitious of such Honours;
but is the Lady you are to Marry very beautiful,
Monsieur Spend-all?

Spend.

No, but she is Rich.

Wedl.

Is she of honourable birth?

Spend.

No, but she is Rich.

Wedl.

Is she well bred?

Spend.

No, but she is Rich.

Wedl.

Is she wise?

Spend.

No, but she is Rich.

Wedl.

Do you Marry only for Riches?

Spend.

Yes; for Necessity forces me to Marry an ill-
favoured, foolish, old doting Woman.

Wedl.

Much good may she do you.

Spend.

Nay faith, she will not do me any good, unless
she would die soon; but her Wealth will do me
much good, and I shall prove an excellent Husband to
her Riches.

Obs.

You are so deboist and wild, that you cannot be
a good Husband to any thing.

Spend.

But I shall; for when I am so rich, as to have
wherewithal to spend, I shall then be so thrifty as to
spare; for it is to be observed, That Rich Men for
the most part are miserable and covetous, when those
that have but little, spend all they have, or can get.

Obs.

Pray bring me to visit this old foolish Lady
you are to Marry.

Spend.

You must pardon me; if she were wise and N young, N1v 46
young, I would let you see her; but being old and foolish,
I dare not, lest you should entice her from me; for
Old Women are more unconstant then Young; and being
foolish, she will be so various, that her mind may
change like the wind.

Obs.

You may trust me, were she young, beautiful,
chast, honourable, well-bred, witty and rich; for I will
never Marry.

Spend.

Yes, if you could get a Wife, with all these
Excellencies.

Obs.

I would not Marry, could I get a Wife with
all those fore-mentioned Excellencies, as you call them;
for were she young, she would want discretion, for want
of Experience; were she beautiful, she would make me
jealous, for Beauty is Courted; were she honoured with
title, she would strive to rule, and would not be ruled;
were she that which is named good breeding, which is
to Fiddle, Dance, Sing, and speak divers Languages, and
to know the Female and Masculine Genders in Languages,
she would Gossip abroad, and seek out Company,
and be at all Publick Meetings, to shew her breeding; if
she have Wit, she will be always talking, and always
supposing, to prove her Wit; if she be chast, she will
be proud; if she be fruitful, she will be sickly and froward;
if she be rich, she will spend much, because she
brought much, and in the end will make me poorer
then I am; and on the other side, were she old, I should
not imbrace her; were she ill-favoured, I should have an aver- N2r 47
aversion against her; were she of mean birth, and ill
breeding, I should be asham’d of her; were she a fool,
I should not regard her; were she poor, I should despise
her; were she false, I should part from her.

Spend.

Well, Monsieur Observer, since you will neither
Marry old, nor young, handsome, nor ill-favoured,
chast nor wanton, mean nor honourable, foolish nor
wise, poor nor rich, but are resolved to live a Batchellor,
I will bring you to be acquainted with my old Mistress,
that must be my old Wife, and Mr. Wedlock will bring
you acquainted with his young Wife.

Wedl.

By my faith, but I will not.

Spend.

No, why?

Wedl.

Because he doth not declare he will not make
Courtships to Wives, though he declares he will not
have a Wife; and unless he declare and profess, he will
not make love to other Men’s Wives, I will not bring
him acquainted with my Wife.

Spend.

Why, do you mistrust your Wife?

Wedl.

No, but I mistrust him, and were I sure my
Wife would not yield, yet I do not love she should be
tempted: But howsoever, to keep a Wife safe, is, to keep
her close from Courtships, and from Masculine Acquaintance.

Conv.

But Women will get liberty one way or
other, if they have a wanton mind, and desire change.

Wedl.

Yet it is the part of a wise Husband to do
his endeavour to keep her honest.

Obs. N2v 48

Obs.

Well, I will neither visit Monsieur Spend-all’s
old Mistress, nor your young Wife; but I’le go with
you to a merry Meeting, where I suppose, there will
be those Women that will better please me, then the
old Woman, and easier be enjoyed then your young
Wife; wherefore, if you will go, Gentlemen, I will present
you a Supper.

Spend.

If you will present us with Mistresses, we will
go with you.

Obs.

They will present themselves.

Enter Monsieur Mode to the rest.

Spend.

Monsieur Mode, it is reported, that you have
the art to Court two or three Mistresses at one time;
which if you have, I shall desire to be your Scholar,
for I could never be in the favour of two Mistresses at
one time; for the Courting of one lost me the other,
and those I lose, become my Enemies.

Mode.

He is a poor Man that hath but one Mistress;
and he is a fool in Courtship, that cannot Court half
a dozen Mistresses at one time.

Spend.

So, by this you call me a poor fool.

Mode.

If you were not a fool, you would not desire
to be my Scholar; and if you were not poor, you
would not desire more then you have.

Spend.

Then make me wiser and richer.

Mode.

Would you be wiser for profit, or wiser for
pleasure.

Spend.

For pleasure!

Mode. O1r 49

Mode.

Would you be richer for Wealth, or richer
for Honour, or richer in a number of Mistresses?

Spend.

Richer in a number of Mistresses.

Mode.

Then be bold, rude, and vain, talk much without
sense, swear much without cause, brag much without
reason, accoutre your self fantastically, behave
your self carelesly, and imploy time idly; and be sure
you raile of all Women generally, but praise every
particular one, but so as in a general way, as some for
one thing, and some for another, as you shall think
best, by which you will keep them all in hopes; for if
you should praise only one, that one will be too proud,
and then disdain you, and the rest through dispair will
hate you; also in your actions you must behave your
self generally, as in a careless way, dividing your Courtships
amongst them all, as to kiss one Woman’s hand,
another’s neck, a third Woman’s lips, embrace a
fourth, rally with a fifth, and bed with the sixth; and
after this manner you may Court twenty Mistresses at
least at one time, and serve your self in private with them
all one after another; for though you may Court many
Mistresses at one time in publick, yet in private you
must have but one at a time, and she will believe, or at
least make her self believe, she is the only she that is
beloved.

Spend.

I will follow your Instruction; and if I thrive,
I will give you thanks.

Mode.

But if you be not ingenious, and well O practised O1v 50
practised, my Instructions will do you but little good,
for you may be like Players, that have excellent
parts, and spoile them in the Acting; or like a Minister
that chuses a good Text, and wants Oratory to
preach of it; or you may be like a bungling Taylor
that spoiles a fine Suit of Clothes with ill making: But
if you will thrive, you must be of many Professions;
and if you will be a Master of Courtship, you must be
learned in the Liberal Arts and Sciences; you must
be an Astrologer to foresee your Times, and their
Times; an Astronomer to find out their Humours; a
Cosmographer to measure their Capacities; a Philosopher,
to pierce into their Natures and Dispositions; a
Logician, to make their Vanities and Vices appear
Vertues; an Arithmetician, to number their Praises,
and cipher their Follies; and a Mathematician to draw
them to your desires and delights.

Spend.

I shall do my best endeavour; but I fear that
most Women are not worth so much pains, study, and
practice.

Mode.

As for that, your idle Times must judg of it.

Spend.

Well, I will go to my Lodgings, and consider
it.

Mode.

Nay, faith Consideration will spoile all my
Instructions.

Exit Spend-all, the rest stays. Enter Lady Wagtail, Wanton, Self-conceit, and Bashful,
as also the Mother

Self.

’Tis well you are come, I would not be in your
condition for any thing.

Wagt. O2r 51

Wagt.

I’faith, you will be talk’d withal.

Want.

If I were in so sad a condition, I know what
I know.

Bash.

Why Ladies, I have neither deserved Imprisonment,
nor Death, which is the worst that can come
unto me; but if I be condemned, I shall suffer both
with patience and with courage.

Self.

O Lord! she speaks freely.

Wagt.

She has found a Tongue since she went.

Wagt.

’Tis well, if she has lost nothing, since she
went.

Self.

On my word you have done very ill, which
you deserve to be chid for.

Want.

I believe the Princess will turn you away.

Bash.

I am very sorry I have offended the Princess,
but yet I have done nothing but what I had her leave for.

Enter Lady Quickwit.

Quick.

Mademoisel Bashful, you must come to the
Princess.

Exeunt Bashful, and Quickwit.

Obs.

to the Moth.

Alas poor Mother we were all afraid
you were kill’d.

Moth.

Kill’d, who should kill me?

Obs.

Why, a rough, rude Coachman.

Moth.

Which way should he kill me?

Obs.

With tumbling you over.

Moth.

How tumbling me over?

Obs.

With your head downwards, and your
heels upwards.

Enter O2v 52 Enter Madamoisel Quick-wit.

Self.

What News? what News? what doth Madamoisel
Bashful
confess?

Want.

What doth she confess?

Quick.

Why, she confesses, she was at Madamoisel
Civilitie’s
house, where she met the Lord Loyalty.

Wagt.

And what said the Princess then?

Quick.

Why the Princess chid her for offering to
meet any Man without her leave; But she has pardon’d
her for this time, and you must go all to the back-stairs,
and stay there to wait on the Princess into the Gallery.

Exeunt Women.

Mode.

I would the Ladies had as much love for me,
as they are angry with their fellow-Lady.

Conv.

If they had, they would overpower you with
their kindness.

Mode.

I would desire nothing more but to be so
overpower’d.

Enter Self-conceit in hast running over the Stage.

Self.

Run, run.

Enter Quick-wit, passing in hast over the Stage.

Quick.

Follow, follow.

Enter Wanton.

Want.

Call, call, call.

Enter Mother.

Moth.

Bring, bring, bring.

The Men stand in a Maze. Enter P1r 53 Enter Fool passing over the Stage.

Fool.

Oh the Lord! I am undone, undone.

The Men stop him.

Conv.

What is the matter, Fool?

Fool.

I cannot stay to tell you.

Obs.

But you must.

Fool.

If I must, I must.

Conv.

Tell me what makes this Hubbub, which
seems to distract the Ladies? is the Emperor not well,
or the Princess sick?

Fool.

The Emperor is well; but will have cause to be
sick; and the Princess is sick, and will have cause to be
well.

Mode.

How so?

Fool.

Because the Princess has spi’d her Idea, and
will marry him, and so will be cured of her Melancholy,
and be well; but he is a poor Mariner or Sea-man, and
that will make the Emperor sick.

Enter the Ladies, and the Mariner passing over the Stage.

Fool.

Now you have seen the cause of the uproar,
you will let me pass with my fellow-fools.

Exit Fool.

Conv.

Sure the Princess will not Marry this poor
fellow.

Obs.

If she doth, the Court will be Metamorphosed
from a house to a Ship, and the Courtiers to Mariners.

Mode.

Then we shall sail to some new Plantation.

P Enter P1v 54 Enter Lady Quick-wit, Self-conceit, Wanton.

Want.

As I live, he is a handsom Man.

Self.

But he is a poor mean fellow.

Want.

But a poor mean fellow may be a handsom
Man.

Self.

Not in my opinion.

Quick.

Truly, I am of the opinion, that Wealth doth
not make Worth.

Exeunt.

Act III. Scene I.

Enter the Sailer leading the Princess, who appears well
pleased, with the Attendance of Ladies and Gentlemen,
and the Fool.

Princess.

Sir, although the Emperor is at Council, and will
not be seen at the present, yet I will entertain you
until such time as his Majesty admits you to his
Presence.

The Sailer Kisses her Hand.

Fool.

They say, Lovers promise much; if so, you are
a Lover, for you promise more then you dare perform.

Prin.

How so?

Fool.

You say, you will entertain the Sailer’s Company
until the Emperor admits him to his Presence,
and if he doth not admit him until to morrow, you
must entertain his Company all night.

Prin. P2r 55

Prin.

You are a Knave, Fool.

Fool.

But I am not a Lady’s Fool.

Prin.

Come Gentlemen and Ladies, call for Musick,
for we will dance until the Emperor rises from
Council.

One calls for Musick.

Prin.

Sir, can you dance our Country Dances.

Sail.

I will do my endeavour, Lady; and if I have
not skill for the present, I will learn for the future, if
you command me.

The Musick plays, they all dance, and the Sailer with the
Princess; the Sailer dances civilly, gracefully, and with
art and skill.

Prin.

Sir, you want not Art, for you Dance skilfully.

Sail.

Lady, I want not Love, and Love works
Miracles.

They Dance again: At the end of this Dance Enters
a Gentleman.

Gent.

May it please your Highness, the Emperor
desires your Presence.

The Princess whispers to the Sailer, he bows and kisses
her Hand.
Exeunt All. Scene P2v 56

Scene II.

Enter all the Maids of Honour, except Madamoisel Bashful,
and Self-conceit; as also Monsieur Conversant,
Observer and Spend-all.

Wanton.

Othat we might dance Country Dances to day.

Wagt.

Why, Monsieur Spend-all makes a Ball
to night, are not you one of the invited?

Want.

O yes, but I had forgot the Ball.

Quick.

Why, we are all invited.

Enter Self-conceit.

Self.

Do you hear the News?

Want.

What News?

Self.

Madamoisel Bashful and the Lord Loyalty are
Married.

Wagt.

For certain truth do you speak it?

Self.

Of a certain truth ’tis so.

Quick.

Why, the Lord Loyalty was accounted a
Wise Man.

Obs.

Why, Madam, he is never the less Wise for
Marrying a virtuous sweet Lady.

Quick.

What, not in these troublesome and mutinous
Times.

Obs.

In all times there was and is Marrying, and
giving in Marriage; and those that are Honest are Wise,
and it is Honest to Marry, and Wise; for if Men and Wo- Q1r 57
Women should live in common, it were the way to
extinguish Propriety; and where there is no Propriety,
there is no Justice; and without Justice a Commonwealth
would be dissolved.

Wagt.

Well, in my opinion he has done very indiscreetly.

Want.

Nay, faith, methinks, he hath done very foolishly.

Self.

In my opinion, she has done as foolishly as he,
for he is a ruined man.

Conv.

Give me leave to tell you, Ladies, there is never
a one of you all who would have refused him, as ruined
as he is; but you would have been ambitious and
proud to Marry him.

Wagt.

You are deceived; for I would not Marry
him or any other, were he as rich as Pluto.

Want.

Nor I would not Marry, might I have a King.

Quick.

Nor I to have been an Emperess.

Self.

Nor I if I might have been Mistress of the whole
World.

Spend.

Then I perceive, Ladies, you are all resolved
to live single lives.

Wagt.

There is none happy, but those that are Mistresses
of themselves.

Quick.

I should never endure to be subject to a Husband.

Want.

I hate Marriage as I hate death.

Self.

I love Freedom, as I love Life.

Q Enter Q1v 58 Enter Mother.

Quick.

Mother, do you hear of your Daughter’s
Marriage?

Moth.

Yes, and the Princess is very angry at it.

Quick.

She hath reason.

Self.

If I were the Princess, I would make them repent
their Marriage.

Wagt.

Yes faith, I would put water into their Wine.

Obs.

Lord, Ladies, why should the Princess be angry
either with him, or with her, since Marriage is honest,
and free for every one to chuse where they please; neither
do I see either in Reason or Justice, why either of
them should be condemned, since none will suffer, if they
be unhappy, but themselves; and I suppose that none
here is so ill-natured as to repine at their Felicity.

Self.

Come, pray, let us go see how she looks since
she is Married.

Want.

Proud, I’le warrant you.

Wagt.

I dare swear she will carry state now.

Self.

She was proud enough before she was Married,
she cannot be much prouder then she was.

Quick.

You say right, for what every body thought
was bashfulness and modesty in her, was meerly pride.

Exeunt Ladies, the Men stay.

Obs.

The Maids of Honour live so happily in the
Court, and are so pleased with their several Courtships,
as they hate to think of Marriage.

Mode.

That’s because they cannot get Husbands; for Men Q2r 59
Men are afraid to Marry Maids of Honour, because
they are so used to Courtships, that they will give leave
to be Courted when they are Married; besides, Men
think them vain and expensive.

Spend.

They speak so bitterly against Marriage, and
all that are Married, as I do verily believe they would
not Marry upon any condition.

Mode.

I will try them whether they will or no, for
my own satisfaction.

Obs.

Which way will you try them? for if you
should examine them never so soberly, and gravely, they
will never discover their minds so, that you shall know
whether they would Marry or not.

Mode.

Faith, I will offer every one of them a Husband,
and try if they will accept of them.

Obs.

O, they will laugh at you, and scorn you for
your offer.

Mode.

Well, I will try them, let them scorn and
laugh as they please.

Enter Monsieur Conversant.

Conv.

Monsieur Mode, I hear you intend to travel
into Foreign Nations.

Mode.

You hear right, Sir; for I want only travel
to make me a compleat Mode-Gallant; whereby, I shall
be more graceful in the eyes of the Ladies.

Spend.

But if your Travels be long, you will be less
graceful in the eyes of the Ladies, for you will be too
old to please their sight; but you want not Mistresses,
nor the art of Courtship.

Mode. Q2v 60

Mode.

Faith, to tell you the truth, I would travel
to see Foreign Beauties; for I am satisfied with the
Ladies here in my Native Country.

Obs.

I hope you have not taken a surfeit of them.

Spend.

Truly I should be glad to have some of his Leavings.

Conv.

It is a sign you are sharp set.

Obs.

The old Lady has whet his appetite.

Spend.

I confess old Women make wanton young Men.

Conv.

Let Monsieur Mode Court your old Lady to
cure his surfeit.

Spend.

With all my heart, so he will bequeath me
his young Mistresses.

Mode.

I did instruct you how to Court and gain
Ladies to your Imbracements; but either you are a dull
Scholar, or an unfortunate Courtier.

Spend.

I confess my ill fortune in Courtships; but
you may be as unfortunate in Foreign Nations; for
though you are A la Mode here in your Native Country,
’tis likely you will be quite out of fashion and
language in other Nations.

Conv.

For Language, I dare say he will be to learn.

Obs.

Then how will he Woo a Mistress?

Mode.

O Women are best pleased with those they
understand least.

Spend.

He knows the humours of Women best, he
is so conversant with them; but prithee Mode do not
travel until I have learn’d thy Art of Courtship.

Conv. R1r 61

Conv.

Into what Countries will you travel, Monsieur
Mode
?

Mode.

Into France and Italy; the one to refine my
Habit, the other to refresh my sight with new
Beauties.

Obs.

Then they must not be a ca-stCourtisans; but
let me perswade you to stay at home, and Marry.

Mode.

No, I will not Marry, to lose my freedom.

Spend.

Faith, and I intend to Marry to take more
liberty.

Mode.

Marriage is a bondage.

Spend.

Not if you Marry a rich old Woman.

Conv.

No, for her Riches will supply his wants, and
maintain his Mistresses; and her age will be an excuse
for his Adulteries.

Mode.

Faith, Gentlemen, you speak reason; wherefore,
I’le go a Wooing to Monsieur Spend-all’s old
rich Lady.

Spend.

You will not speed there, for I am aforehand
with you; for though you can Court young
Women better then I, yet for old Women I go beyond
you. But if you chance to Marry a young Woman,
I shall willingly change a nights lodging with
you.

Mode.

Are you Married to the old Lady?

Spend.

I must Marry her, which is my grief.

Mode.

Pray bid us to your Wedding.

Spend.

That I will, and feast you after I am Married, R for R1v 62
for I shall not be jealous of my Wife, nor afraid you
will make me a Cuckold; and I have a desire to invite
the young Female Courtiers.

Obs.

That will make your old Lady jealous; and if
she be jealous, when you are just upon the point of
Marriage, she may chance to refuse you; wherefore, do
not invite them until the next day, when she is past her
choice.

Spend.

You say true, and the next day we will Revel.

Scene III.

Enter Self-conceit and Quick-wit.

Quick-wit.

The Emperor is highly discontent.

Self.

If he be displeased, he can only be angry
with himself; for when the Princess was so Melancholy,
that she was ready to die, he did assure her, she should
make her own choice of a Husband, and that he would
not deny her any one Man in all his Empire.

Quick-wit.

But this Man is not of his Empire, for
he is a stranger.

Self.

Faith, it would be but an even Match, whether
she did chuse a poor mean Native, or a poor mean
Stranger.

Exeunt. Scene R2r 63

Scene IV.

Enter Princess and the Sailer; the Fool attends them; the
Princess Weeps.

Sailer.

Why doth your Highness weep? for if the
Emperor your Father be unjust, the Gods
will not be so; for they will Crown our honest Loves
with Happiness and Blessings.

Prin.

But Lovers are never happy.

Sail.

Believe not so; for true Lovers are always
blessed with good success, and those that have ill fortune
have not been true Lovers.

Enter such as are proper to deliver the Emperor’s
pleasure, they speak to the Sailer.

Men[Speaker label not present in original source]

Sailer, The Emperor’s pleasure is, That you immediately
go out of his Dominions; for if you be found
in any part within such time as may be travel’d
to the Sea-side the shortest way, he will cut off your Head.

Sail.

Tell the Emperor, I fear not death.

Men.

Will not you be gone.

Sail.

No, I will stay as long as I can.

Men.

But you shall go, since it is the Emperor’s
pleasure, That we see you out of his Empire.

Sail.

Be gone, and trouble me no more, or I’le beat
you out of the Princess’s Lodgings.

Men. R2v 64

Men.

You beat us, you poor Water-Snake!

Sail.

Cupid, thou god of Love, and Mars thou
god of War, assist me.

He falls upon them, and beats them out of the Room; the
Princess seems to be in a fright.

Sail.

A Company of Cowardly Rascals, that have
no more Courage then a Flea, that skips at every little
motion.

Prin.

O my dear Love! what will you do?

Sail.

Die in your Arms, sweet Mistress.

Prin.

But you cannot resist the Emperor’s Power.

Sail.

But I can die in despite of the Emperor’s
Power.

Prin.

But your death will be my death.

Sail.

Say not so; for those words will beget such a
belief, as to make me a Coward, which is more terrible
to me then death; for in death lives Rest, but in a Coward
lives Infamy.

Prin.

But pray consider, if you will yield to depart
out of the Empire, I may find means to depart with
you, or to follow you.

Sail.

Death is more Honourable then to fly from
any misfortune; and though I love you better then my
Soul, yet I had rather die then fly.

Prin.

But by your willing death, you will become
a cruel murderer, not only to your self, but me.

Sail.

Die you must, my dear Mistress, so must I.

Prin.

Heaven grant that in one Grave we both may lie.

Fool. S1r 65

Fool.

Shed no more tears, nor talk of Graves; for
if you will be absolutely be ruled by me, if I be not too
hard for the Emperor, and all his Councels, hang me
when you are Emperess, which you must be; for the
Power and Title comes from your Mother, not from
your Father.

Prin.

Tell me how?

Fool.

Nay faith, a Fool must have some time for
contrivance, as well as wise States-Men.

Exeunt.

Act IV. Scene I.

Enter Monsieur Mode and Madamoisel Quick-wit.

Mode.

Lady, there is one of my Acquaintance, that desires
a Wife; but he may desire long enough, for I
think none will have him for a Husband.

Quick.

Why?

Mode.

Why! he is the most deformed Man that
ever was seen.

Quick.

Well, if I were to chuse a Husband, I would
never chuse a handsom Man; for their Beauty makes
them so self-conceited, that they regard not their Wives;
besides, they seem, and are for the most part, effeminate,
which I hate; wherefore, for my part, I would chuse an
ill-favoured Man, and the more ill-favoured he were,
the better I should like him, as looking more Masculine.

S Mode S1v 66

Mode.

O! but that’s not all, Madam; for his Nature
and Disposition is according to his Person, the one as
evil, as the other ill-favour’d.

Quick.

O Sir, such a man I could love with all my
heart; for a surly Nature seems Heroick; when as such
men as have sweet Dispositions, and gentle Natures,
which is to be soft and facil, are Fools; and I would not
marry a Fool for any thing in the world.

Mode.

But Madam, let me tell you, He is none of the
wisest.

Quick.

Nay, Sir, mistake me not; for I would not
have him a very wise man, lest he should condemn me
as a Fool; but an indifferent understanding I like
best.

Mode.

Why, then this man would be a fit Husband
for you.

Quick.

The fittest in the World; Good Monsieur
Mode
speak for me, and I shall think my self obliged to
you.

Mode.

I shall motion you, Lady.

Exit Quick-wit. Enter Self-conceit.

Mode.

Madam, there is a Gentleman, an Acquaintance
of mine, which intreated me to ask you, whether
you would please to accept of him for a Husband, if
he should offer himself to you; he is loth to have a personal
denial, wherefore he would not make his addresses himself,
unless he had an assurance you would entertain him.

Self. S2r 67

Self.

Pray Sir, what manner of man is he?

Mode.

Faith Lady, I cannot much commend either
his Person, or Parts, Humour, or Disposition; but he
has a Competent Fortune, not so much, as to maintain
a Wife gallantly, but decently.

Self.

Why, that’s as much as I desire; more would
be but an unnecessary superfluity; as for Person, I regard
not the outward Shape; and for his Humour and
Disposition, I shall alter those when we are married;
and truly Sir, I think my self much obliged to you,
for mentioning the man unto me.

Mode.

Your Servant Lady.

Self.

Yours, Monsieur Mode.

Exit Self-conceit. Enter Wanton.

Mode.

Lady, I am tyred with the importunity of a
Gentleman, that will not let me rest in quiet, until I
have inform’d you of his Affections to you, and for
you.

Want.

Who is he?

Mode.

Nay, he must be unknown, until he know
whether you will accept of him; but in truth, my Conscience
bids me perswade you against him; indeed I
would not have mention’d him, but that he will not let
me rest, till I have told you his desires.

Want.

What manner of Man is he? and what Estate
has he? and of what Qualitiy is he?

Mode.

He is a Gentleman, and as for his Person, to speak S2v 68
speak truth, he is a very Handsom man, as any is, but
he is not worth a Denier, a very Shark for his living.

Want.

I marry Sir, give me a Man that lives by his
wits; for every Fool can tell how to live, if he be rich;
besides, I had rather enjoy Beauty, then Wealth, with
a Husband.

Mode.

O, but that’s not all, Madam; for he is a very
deboist Man; he Drinks, and Whores, and Games.

Want.

Marriage will reclaim him.

Mode.

But he has got such a Habit of Debauchery,
that ’tis to be fear’d, he will never be reclaimed.

Want.

The truth of it is, I would chuse a deboist
Man for a Husband sooner then a Temperate Man;
for his several Debaucheries will be my several Pastimes;
besides, I shall have his Company but sometimes, which
will make him appear to me fresh and new; whereas,
a Stoical and Temperate Husband, will tire me out
with his continual Company, being always at home,
or else he would restrain me with his moral Discipline.

Mode.

But there is another reason, that may disswade
you from him.

Want.

What’s that?

Mode.

Why, ’tis said, he has the French Pox, and I
believe you will not venture on that Disease.

Want.

I am of so healthful a Constitution, I fear no
Disease; besides, he is not a Courtly nor well-bred Man,
that has not a spice of that Disease; and the truth is, I
should account that Man uncivil, and not a Gentleman,man; T1r 69
but a meer dull Clown that were free therof, and
sound there-from; for the compleatest Gentlemen are
ever under the Arrest of that Disease; wherefore, Sir, to
release you of his importunity, tell him from me, I shall
not refuse him; but willingly accept of him.

Mode.

I shall Madam.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Wagtail, Self-conceit and Wanton.

Wagtail.

Lord! Self-conceit, I have not seen you never since
the night before the last night!

Self.

You might have seen me if you had been so
kind as to come to my Lodging, for I lay a bed all
yesterday, by reason I had a great many to come to Visit
me, and they were Men of Quality.

Wagt.

Faith, I could not come, by reason Monsieur
Malicious
was going over, to whom you know, I have
intrusted all my affairs, so as I was dispatching some business
with him.

Self.

But I will never forgive my friend Wanton,
that she would not come with the Lords and Gentlemen
to visit me.

Wan.

Faith, I could not come; for my Chamber-fellow
and I, both of us, did bath yesterday, and there came in
two or three Gentlemen whilest we were in the Bath, T and T1v 70
and stay’d talking so long with us that I have catch’d
Cold.

Self.

Lord! did Madamoisel Supple Bath again yesterday!
why she bathed but the day before; for a Gentleman
told me, that Madam Liberty was in the Bath,
and when she went out, then she went into Madamoisel
Supple’s
Bed to warm and dry her self, and Mr. Amorous
entertain’d her whilst she lay there, and Madamoisel,
Supple
, as soon as Madamoisel Liberty went out of
the Bath, went into it; and by that time that Madamoisel
Liberty
rose out of the bed, Madamoisel Supple was
ready to enter into it, and then Mr. Break-jest did entertain
her with pleasant Discourses.

Want.

Certainly, Bathing is very wholsome.

Self.

But let me tell you, Wanton, that often Bathing
weakens very much.

Exeunt Wanton and Self-conceit. Wagtail Sola, Enter to her Mode.

Wagt.

Monsieur Mode, I have watch’d for an opportunity
to speak to you alone these two or three days.

Mode.

To me, sweet Lady! what is it you would
say?

Wagt.

’Tis this; I hear you are acquainted with a
Man, who is very rich and unmarried, and ’tis reported
he will marry a Wife of your chusing; and Sir, I
shall not be ungrateful, if you will chuse me for his
Wife.

Mode.

’Tis true, I am acquainted with such a Man, who T2r 71
who is very rich, but he is a very Fool; the truth is, the
next degree to a Changeling.

Wagt.

I like that the better, for so I may govern
him and his Estate.

Mode.

Nay, Lady, let me inform you, that though
he be a Fool, yet he is a covetous and self-conceited
Fool, neither to be ruled nor wrought upon, nor yet
to be perswaded to any thing, but what he himself
likes best.

Wagt.

However Sir, I shall gain a respect and esteem
in the World by the Reputation of his Wealth; wherefore,
good Monsieur Mode, let me intreat you to prefer
me to his good liking.

Mode.

I shall do my endeavour, Lady.

Exit Wagtail. Enter Observer to Mode.

Obs.

The Sailer is gone to Prison, and the Princess
confin’d to her Chamber.

Mode.

I am sorry for the Princess’s restraint.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Sailer as in a Prison, Manicled with Chains

The Sayler[Speaker label not present in original source]

You Heav’nly Powers, do you her life secure

Though for her sake I torment must endure.

Show’r T2v 72

Show’r blessings on her Life, and let her Name

Be glorious to Posterity and Fame:

But I profane, thou art a Deitie;

Wherefore my Prayers, I’le direct to thee:

Thou Goddess know’st, what torments I do feel,

My life is wrack’d upon ill-fortune’s wheel.

O! do not break my heart, thou Heav’nly Power,

For ’tis thy own Idea’s onely Tower;

For when I dye, where will thy Mansion be?

In every Heart and Head that thinks of thee:

Then let me die in peace, for thou wilt reign

In every Soul, as well as every Brain.

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Jaylor and Fool.

Fool.

Master. Jaylor?

Jayl.

What say you, Mr. Fool?

Fool.

Will you take a Fool’s Counsel?

Jayl.

No by my Faith.

Fool.

Then by my Faith, I’le prove you a Fool; for
my Counsel is, To let the Sailer escape.

Jayl.

So I shall be hang’d my self.

Fool.

That is uncertain; but if the Sailer suffers, you
are sure to be hang’d.

Jayl.

How so?

Fool.

Why you know the Princess must be Emperess,ress, V1r 73
because that Dignity comes by her Mother; and the
Emperor is but Emperor during life, and so upon Courtesie;
and when the Princess is Emperess, she will be
sure to hang you, and not only hang you, but ruine all
your Posterity.

Jayl.

Go, go, you talk like a Fool as you are! I will
be an honest Jaylor, and not betray my Prisoners.

Fool.

Not betray your Prisoners, say you! consider
well, lest you betray your self.

Exit Fool, Jayler Solus.

Jayl.

This Fool has a notable Wit.

Exit.

Scene V.

Enter Wanton, Wagtail, Self-conceit, and Quick-wit.

Wanton.

When did you see Monsieur Mode?

Wagtail.

I have not seen him these two days.

Self.

Nor I.

Quick.

Nor I.

Want.

I fear he is sick.

Wagtail.

I hope in God, not.

Self.

Pray Heav’n grant he be in health.

Quick.

Amen; for he is one of the civillest persons I
know.

Want.

Indeed he is an obliging person.

Wagtail.

He is a gallant Man.

V Self. V1v 4774

Self.

The truth is, he has not his equal.

Enter Conversant.

Conv.

Ladies, what happy Man is he that you are praising.

Self.

Why, Monsieur Mode?

Wagt.

He is a Man that may be a Sample to all Men.

Quick.

There is none can parallel him.

Want.

He is worth more then praise can give him.

Conv.

He cannot chuse but prosper in his Travels,
when he is so highly praised by a Company of Beautiful
Ladies.

Want.

In his Travels! why whither is he gone?

Conv.

Into Italy; and the Company he is gone with,
went on such a sudden, as he had no time to come and
kiss your hands, and take his leave; but he has sent me
to make his excuse, and beg his pardon, although he
could not help it, unless he should have lost those Conveniences
he has by going in the Company of such as
can speak the Language, which he cannot.

Quick.

Pray speak no more of him, for it is no matter
whither he is gone, since he has no more Civility.

Self.

Never was there such an act done by a Gentleman,
as to go not only out of the Town, but the
Kingdom, and never take his leave of us.

Want.

Faith, he has shewn himself what he is, a
Clown.

Wagt.

A meer Booby.

Self.

A Boor.

Quick. V2r 75

Quick.

Indeed by his behaviour to us he seems not
to be a Gentleman.

Want.

One might have easily judged what he was,
if any would have taken the pains to consider him.

Wagt.

I despise such a man.

Self.

I hate such a man.

Want.

I abhor him.

Conv.

Ladies, I perceive our Sex is very unhappy,
for you will love and hate us in a minute, and praise and
dispraise us in one breath.

Ladies.

We have reason.

Enter Spend-all, Conversant, Observer, and the
Ladies.

Spend.

Ladies I have ask’d the Princess leave, that
you, Her Maids, should honour me with your Presence
at my Marriage Feast.

Self.

Are you Married?

Spend.

Yes.

Quick.

What fair Lady, have you Married?

Spend.

Madam, my condition perswaded me to chuse
a fair Fortune, rather then a fair Face; but what she
wants in Beauty, she has in age, I should have said in
Wealth.

Quick.

It is a sign her Age is in your mind, more then
her Wealth, that your tongue was so ready to speak it.

Wagt.

But if your Lady be old, we that are young,
shall hardly be welcom.

Enter Mode. Want. V2v 76

Want.

Lord, Monsieur Mode, I thought you had been
gone to Travel.

Mode.

No, that design is alter’d; for I intend now
to stay, and marry a rich old Lady too.

Self.

If all the young Gallants marry old Women,
What shall we young Women do for Husbands?

Mode.

It were great pity, and not to be suffred,
that young Women should marry whil’st their Beauty
doth last, but they should live unmarried, to be Mistresses
to command Men, and not made slaves to obey,
as Wives are.

Quick.

The best for young Women, is to marry
ancient Men, for so we shall be Vertuous Mistresses to
wise men in a married condition and life.

Conv.

But Lady, all the younger sort of Men, are
not so necessitated through their lavish expences, to marry
for Riches; for I am not so vain, nor poor, but I may
marry for Beauty, and not any Beauty pleaseth me so
well as yours.

Quick.

I had rather be married for my Wit, then
for my Beauty.

Conv.

That man is happy, Lady, that can have a
Wife with both.

Self.

This is just according to the Old Saying, “That
one Wedding makes two.”

Obs.

And if you please Madam, these two Weddings
shall be the cause of a third.

Self.

Let us see, how the married Couples agree first.

Mode. X1r 77

Mode.

We will have no particular Wooing, but
all shall be in common; otherwise, our meeting will be
dull, and our mirth out of tune.

Want.

You say right, Monsieur Mode, for the fiddlestring
of Mirth will be broken; but let us go and rejoyce
with Mr. Spend-all, and dance and feast, as a Thanksgiving
to Fortune for her favours to him.

Spend.

The greatest favour that Fortune can give me,
is, to be honoured with you Company; and if you
please to lead the way, the rest will follow. Spend-all sighs.
Ha! these Marriages spoile all Amorous
Courtships.

Exeunt Omnes, each leading his Mistress.

Scene VI.

Enter Fool,and the Sailer as in a Prison.

Fool.

Master Sailer, the Princess has sent to know of you,
whether you be dead?

Sail.

In her absence I am dead to all Happiness, for
I have no joys of life.

Fool.

Then I shall tell her you are dead.

Sail.

You may tell her I am worse then dead; for I
am miserable, wanting her Company, and misery is
worse then death.

X Fool. X1v 78

Fool.

Pray God I remember all this; viz. Absence,
Happiness, Joys, Life, Dead, Miserable, Misery, and
Death.

Exeunt

Scene VII.

Enter Princess alone, Musing; Enter Fool to her.

Fool.

O Lady! Lady! the Sailer’s dead.

She falls into a passion as distracted, then speaks.

Prin.

Make me a Ship to sail up high to Heav’n,

Where I may swim through all the Planets Seven;

Not to find Gold or Silver, such base dross,

But my dear Love and Lover; which rich loss

Is worth more then the World: Or, make a Boat,

That I may thorough the dark Stygian float

To the Elysium, there to meet my Dear,

Where I shall neither State nor Father fear:

Or else, you Gods, cast me so low and deep,

Without a Dream I may for ever sleep.

The Fool Laughs.

Fool.

Ha, ha, ha, Dreams, Ships and Water has
been your ruine.

Prin.

You Villain, do you laugh at my misery?

She gives him a Box of the Ear.

Fool.

O, do not beat me, your Sailer’s alive yet.

Prin.

Did not you tell me he was dead?

Fool.

Yes, but I did not tell you his Body is dead,
but his Joys are dead.

Prin. X2r 79

Prin.

Is he alive then?

Fool.

He is alive, but talks as madly, I dare not
say, as foolishly as you do.

Exeunt.

Scene VIII.

A Scaffold and Block for one to be beheaded. Enter the
Guard, Jaylor, and Prisoner; as also a grave Man, as
his Father; the People staring upon them. The Prisoner
being upon the Scaffold, bows down gracefully to the
Assembly, and then speaks thus.

Sailer.

Worthy Spectators, although I am a Stranger
by Birth, yet I am as a Native, being a
loving Subject, and humble servant of your Soveraign
the Princess; but Fortune which takes more delight
in Variety, then Justice, has not only toss’d me
from Climate to Climate, and Nation to Nation, but
from Happiness to Misery, from Misery to Happiness,
and from Happiness to Misery again; and yet my life
will end happily; for I shall be a Sacrifice on the Altar
of Love, which is such an Honour, that not any worthy
person would refuse or repine at; for all true Lovers
will bear up my Hearse with Sighs, cover it with
Tears, and intomb me in their Memory.

Upon X2v 80 Upon this Speech the People begin to murmur; then the
grave Man steps up and speaks.

Grave Man[Speaker label not present in original source]

Worthy Spectators, This Person which is here ready
to die for Love, (yet not for the Love you imagine)
is no wayes capable of Marrying your Princess; for
this Person is not only a Woman, but a Princess her
self; being Daughter to the Emperor of Persia, who for
Love hath wilfully banished her self from her Father’s
Court and Empire: My Wife was her Governness,
God rest her Soul; she being dead, and I her Guardian,
did love this Princess as my own Child; and
knowing her design was not to be alter’d, have attended
her, both in her Disguise and Travels; but your Princess
imagining her a Man, being in Mans Clothes, has
unfortunately fallen in Love with her, which has been
the cause both of our trouble and discovery: But I
hope this Nation is more just then to murder an innocent
Princess, that has not committed any fault either
to the People or their Soveraign.

The People Cry

People[Speaker label not present in original source]

Long live the Princess, remove her, and conveigh
her to the Emperor.

Scene Y1r 81

Scene IX.

Enter Mr. Conversant and Observer, with Lady Quickwit,
and Self-conceit.

Conversant.

Lord, they say, there’s such a noise about the Place
where the Sailer should be executed, as it’s fear’d
there will be some mutiny or uproar amongst the
People.

Quick.

Faith, the Emperor would be justly served, if
there were a Rebellion against him, so it might not be
a danger to his Daughter.

Self.

I did not believe the Princess would be so
patient as she is.

Obs.

O, the less anger she shews the more malice is
inclos’d.

Quick.

She is too Vertuous to bear malice to her
Father.

Conv.

But it is said; “Love and Ambition know no
Kindred”
.

Enter Mr. Mode.

Mode.

Ladies, yonder is the strangest accident that
ever was.

Self.

Lord! what strange accident?

Mode.

The Sailer is prov’d a Woman, and the Woman
is proved a Princess, Daughter to the Persian
Emperor.

Y Obs. Y1v 82

Obs.

What, has the Princess been in Love with a
Woman?

Mode.

Yes.

Quick.

Pray, Monsieur Mode, tell us how she was
known to be a Woman, and who made the discovery?

Mode.

Why thus it was. When this Lady in
Sailer’s Clothes was mounted on the Scaffold, and had
made a very witty Speech; there steps up an ancient
Man, and made a Speech, wherein, he told the People,
She was a Woman, and Daughter to the Emperor of
Persia, and that he was a Noble Man of Persia, who
had travel’d with her; for by reason his Wife, who
was dead, had been Governess to the Lady, he having
no Children, was as fond of the Princess, as if she had
been his own Child; and seeing her pine away for Love,
and her beloved gone, or rather banished the Empire,
she resolving to follow him, and to endeavour to find
him, and that all his Perswasions could not prevail, he
(although in years) did travel with her, to be both her
Guide, Counsellor and Guardian. Whereupon, all
the People shouted for Joy, and cried out, “Carry her
to the Emperor, Carry her to the Emperor”
; So both
she and the old Man are carried before the Emperor,
but what will be the Event, I cannot tell.

Self.

For God’s sake, Quick-wit, let us go to the
Princess, and tell her this.

Quick.

We shall not need, for she will have News
of it before we come, and will be sad that the Sailer
is a Woman, as if he had been hang’d.

Enter Y2r 83 Enter Mr. Spend-all.

Spend.

The Sailer is prov’d a Woman.

Conv.

That we have heard.

Spend.

But you have not heard that she has been
with the Emperor, and that he seems to be in Love
with her in her Sailer’s Clothes.

Obs.

It would be a strange cross Caper, if he should
marry the Sailer, for whom his Daughter was dying,
and mad for love.

Spend.

Certainly, he seem’d strangely to alter with
her Presence.

Self.

Come, Quick-wit, let us go and see how our
Lady the Princess takes this.

Exeunt Ladies, Men Solus.

Obs.

But can the Emperor be so suddenly in Love?

Spend.

Love makes no stay, nor takes Counsel.

Exeunt.

Scene X.

Enter Princess and the Ladies.

Quick-wit.

But Madam, can your Highness be well pleas’d,
that the Sailer is prov’d a Woman, and that the
Emperor should love her so, as to profess, he will Marry
her if she agree?

Prin.

Yes; for though the Emperor my Father was unjust Y2v 84
unjust to me, I cannot, nor never shall be undutiful to
him.

Self.

But is your Melancholy passion of Love past?

Prin.

My Melancholy is past, but not my Love;
for that will live so long as I shall live, and will remain
pure in my Soul, when my body is dead and turn’d
to dust.

Quick.

Your Highness is a miracle of duty and constancy
in Love, although the last is but a Dream.

Prin.

Many Dreams are Prophetical.

Exeunt.

Act V. Scene I.

Enter the Mother of the Maids, Enter also Mr. Mode
and Spend-all.

Spend-all.

Have you heard the News?

Mode.

What News?

Spend.

Why, the Sailer that was a Man, and
the Man that was proved a Lady, and the Lady a
Princess, is now proved no Lady, but is a Man again,
and a Sailer.

Moth.

How so?

Spend.

How so? why even as the Man that could
change himself into a Wolf, and from a Wolf into a
Man again; so the Sailer has the art to make himself a
Man, or Woman when he pleases.

Mode. Z1r 85

Mode.

I would he could teach all the Court this
art.

Moth.

The gods forbid; for if all you Gentlemen
should be Women, what would my pritty birds do
for Courtly Servants.

Spend.

Why, they might convert themselves into
Men, and then there would be a better agreement amongst
us; for when we are Women, we shall be kinder
to them, when they are Men, then they are to us now
they are Women.

Mode.

But what would your old Lady do, if you
were a Woman?

Spend.

Faith, as well as she doth now.

Mode.

But let us leave our talking, and go to the
Sailer, to learn this Art.

Scene II.

Enter the Princess and the Sailer in a Prince’s Habit,
Enter also the Fool.

Sailer.

My sweet and dear Mistress, what will you do?

Shall I have no fruition but still woo?

Prin.

My noble Love and Servant give me leave,

That I in sport my Father may deceive.

Fool.

God’s-body, in the time you deceive your
Father, you deceive your self; for he will take his pleasure
before you.

Z Sail. Z1v 86

Sail.

Madam, the Fool speaks truth.

Prin.

Yes, according to appetite, but not according
to chast love.

Fool.

Lady, you speak extravagantly, talking of
Chast Love, when as never Lover was Chast, for they
commit Adultery either in Mind or Body.

Prin.

I will have you whipt, if you disgrace pure
Love with the name of Adultery.

Fool.

You are not a fit Judge, being a Woman; but
I will have the Prince my Judge: Sir, do not I deserve
a reward for all my good service, had you been so as
you are, had not I play’d my part?

Sail.

I grant it, and will plead in your behalf.

Prin.

I speak not against your good service, but your
foolish arguments.

Fool.

They are doubly wise that can speak well, and
do well, but now I will give you Politick Counsel.
But first, you must give me Lands; secondly, Moneys;
thirdly, you must give me a great Office; and lastly,
you must make me a great Lord.

Prin.

A great Fool, you mean.

Fool.

I am that without your making.

Prin.

But where is the Politick Counsel you would
give me?

Fool.

I marry, there is the business; the Counsel is,
That first the Prince must declare himself, then you may
Marry, and then whining Love will abate, and then
with God’s blessing you may soon come to disagree.

Prin. Z2r 87

Prin.

And you are a Knave truly.

Sail.

Mistress, I do approve of the Fool’s Counsel,
as to make my self known to the Emperor; but the
way or manner how, is not consider’d as yet.

Fool.

I have thought of that too, for your Twin-
Sister who is as like you as Pea to a Pea, (whom with my
Rhetorick I got the Jaylor to take your place and habit
in prison) is now the Emperor’s admired Mistress, and he
dotes as much on her, as the Princess on you; and if you
discover your self to the Emperor, he would be a joyful
Man, for now is he afraid to Marry, fearing to
displease the Princess; but hoping the Princess will consent
to his Marriage if he consent to hers, it will make
an even case, and both will be pleased.

Sail.

Well Fool, for once your Counsel shall take
place.

Scene III.

Enter Mother of the Maids, Lady Quick-wit, and
Self-conceit.

Mother.

Well, Ladies, you’re obliged to me.

Quick.

For what?

Moth.

For speaking a good word to your Lovers,
Mr. Conversant, and Mr. Observer; for if it had not been
for me, they would not have Married you.

Self. Z2v 88

Self.

You speak in our behalf! why, you cannot
speak two words of sense in any Cause.

Quick.

If you have such a powerful Perswasion, why
do not you get your other Daughters, Wanton and Wagtail, Husbands?

Moth.

Why so, I shall when their Lovers Wives
are dead, and in the mean time they please themselves.

Enter Conversant, and Observer.

Quick.

Servant, the Mother says, that her Rhetorick
and Friendship hath perswaded you to Marry us.

Conv.

Your Merit, not her Rhetorick or Frienship,
could prevail with us.

Obs.

Faith, Mother, your Rhetorick would rather
lose a Cause, then obtain a Suit.

Enter Wanton.

Want.

Do you hear the News?

Quick.

What News?

Want.

Why, the Sailer is proved a Prince.

Self.

What Prince?

Want.

The Emperor of Persia’s Son, who
was stollen away by a Noble Man of Persia, with his
Sister, they being both Twins, and the Emperor being
fond of this Son, his elder Son (this Prince’s Brother)
designed to destroy him; which the Noble Man perceiving,
put himself and the two Princes to the trust of
a Master of a Ship of this Empire, and disguised them
both as Sailers; and when the Prince was to be beheaded,
the Fool did corrupt the Jaylor to take the Sister in Aa1r 9189
in the Room of her Brother, and by that means they
were both saved.

Enter Wagtail.

Wagt.

There’s such Mirth and Joy with the Emperor
and Princess, as never was the like, through the
mistake between the Prince, and the Princess his Sister.

Enter a Gentleman.

Gent.

Gentlemen and Ladies, you must all prepare
for the solemnity of the Marriage of the Prince of Persia,
and our Princess.

Conv.

Doth not the Emperor Marry the Princess of
Persia?

Gent.

Yes, but the Marriage will be more private.

Convers.

Then Ladies, it will be our Duties, if the
Emperor and the Princess will give leave, That we accompany
the Prince and Princess Bridals, with ours.

Self.

I shall agree.

Quick.

And so shall I.

Scene IV.

Enter Fool, and his Love.

Fool.

Come, the Princess has given leave, that we shall
Marry when she Marries; but you must wash
your face and hands very clean.

Maid.

But washing will not make them white.

Aa Fool. Aa1v 9290

Fool.

That is true; for water or any thing else cannot
change their Natural Colour, but a pair of white Gloves
will hide your black hands, and a Mask will hide your
foul Face; for you shall appear at the Wedding as a
Mascarado.

Maid.

O the Lord! I shall fright the Princess.

Fool.

I pray God you do not fright me, and ’tis no
matter for frighting the Princess, for she has been used
to be frighted of late days.

Exeunt.

Scene V.

Enter Princess as a Bride, and the Prince as a Bridegroom
sitting under a State.
Enter also Conversant and Quick-wit, Observer and
Self-conceit, as Brides and Bridegrooms, and all the
rest of the Court.
Then the Prince, and Princess and the rest of the Company,
dance a Ball after the French fashion; and after this
there is an Anti-Mask presented to the Prince and
Princess.
Scenes. Bb1r 9391

Scenes.

These Scenes were design’d to be put into the Presence;
but by reason I found they would make that Play too
long, I thought it requisite to Print them by themselves.

Scene I.

Enter Mr. Buyer, and Mr. Seller.

Seller.

Will you buy my Ward?

Buy.

Yes, if you will take a reasonable Summ:
but having cut down all his Woods, dissolved all the
Iron stone, dig’d deep in his Coal-pits, and Lead, and
Copper Mines, let Leases of his Lands, plowed all
his Meadows, Pastures, and Parks; to ask Twenty
thousand pounds, is unconscionable!

Sell.

Come, come, you will find enough in the
Estate to make it worth your Money, if you should
do no other thing then sow or plant Ode; and when
you have made the best of his Estate, you may have Bb a good Bb1v 9492
a good Summ of Money for his Marriage.

Buy.

Well, I will venture; you shall have Twenty
thousand pounds.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Mr. Underward, and Diogenes his Man.

Diogenes.

Sir, so soon as your Father’s breath was out of
his body, you were beg’d, and now you are sold.

Under.

Who hath bought me?

Diog.

Faith, a Man that looks as if he would search
into your Estate.

Under.

I believe he will find it faint and weak.

Diog.

That little strength it hath, he will fetch out, I
warrant you.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter the Men-Servants, viz. Diogenes and another.

Man.

Ihear thy Master is Married.

Diog.

Yes, the more is the pity.

Man.

What kind of Woman is she, he hath Married?

Diog.

You might have asked what kind of Beast
she is.

Scenes. Bb2r 9593

Man.

Why, is she so Homely?

Diog.

She is so ugly.

Man.

How doth your Master behave himself to her?

Diog.

As a young Man should do, never comes
neer her; and hates not only the sight of her, but all
those that have seen her.

Man.

Why, then he should hate thee.

Diog.

Faith, he loves me the worse for it.

Man.

Is he not Melancholy?

Diog.

He hath been; but he finds that Melancholy
will not mend his ruined Fortune, but that it will help
to make it worse; besides, it impairs his Health, and
torments his Mind; wherefore, he hath cast off all
grief, care and sorrow, and intends to let Nature loose,
and please himself, as much as his small Estate will give
way to.

Mode.

You may grow rich, if your Master grows
deboist.

Diog.

’Tis true, all Servants thrive best with deboist
Masters; but they must have Riches answerable to
their Debauchery, or else their Servants will sooner
get a Rope to hang them, then an Estate to maintain
them; because all Debauchery is expensive; and if their
Masters have nothing of their own to spend, their Debauchery
must be maintained at the charge of others,
and not of their own; and few will give an allowance
for Debauchery; wherefore, they must either shirk,
cozen, or rob to maintain their Riots.

Man. Bb2v 9694

Man.

But thy Master hath all his Lands still; his
Guardian could not take them away.

Diog.

No, but they have taken out the heart of his
Lands; for they will produce nothing but brakes and
briars, moss and ling; and if any be good, as I believe
there is none, it must be sold to pay Debts, which
his Father left to be paid, and Portions to younger
Children.

Man.

I doubt they will come short of their expectation.

Diog.

So short, as to have nothing.

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Mother, and Lady Bashful.

Mother.

Iwonder you should be so Bashful as to make all
the Court believe you are a kind of a Changeling,
and a simple Fool!

Bash.

Why, how do I behave my self? I neither
behave my self immodestly, nor uncivilly.

Moth.

Nay, I am not by to see you; but I am told
you stand amongst Company like a stone Statue, without
life, sence or motion.

Bash.

’Tis true, I do not hang upon Mens shoulders,
nor lean upon their breasts, nor suffer my self to be imbraced
in Mens arms; neither do I jump to sit upon the Ta- Cc1r 9795
Tables, nor lie wantonly upon the Carpets on the
ground, nor run about after a wild manner, pinching
one, shoving another, pulling a third, imbracing a
fourth, dancing a piece of a dance with a fifth; nor do
I make mouths upon one Man, then wink my eye
upon another, giving my hand unto a third Man to
kiss.

Moth.

Why, you are thought so simple, as that you
cannot speak three words of sence.

Bash.

I had rather be thought a Fool for saying nothing,
then be proved a Fool for speaking Non-sence;
and of the two evils, it were better to be a silent Fool,
then a prating Fool; I am sure the silent Fool will offend
the least; but for my part, I cannot perceive any
great store of Wit that there is amongst them, unless
it be Wit to sing Quaveringly, and talk loud, or to
rail under the priviledg of Rallery, or to be a Buffoon
to cause ridiculous Laughter; or to talk impudently or
wantonly; but the truth is, that some think themselves
Politicians, and talk of State-affairs, yet understand
no more of Government then the post, but would make
the Common-wealth like their Chambers, where every
thing is out of order, and what they are to use, they
are always to seek; they would have no decent Orders,
nor strict Laws, but that every one might do
what they like best; nor would they have Watches set,
unless it were to guard Vices, loose Carriages, and
wanton dalliances; and others, which think to prove Cc them- Cc1v 9896
themselves Wits, dispute of Love and Honour, and the
Conversations of Souls, and before their Disputes are
ended, they draw themselves quite from their Principle,
into a dark Labyrinth of Non-sence, then run about
with senceless words until they bet out of breath, which
makes them at last hold their peace.

Moth.

But I would have them know, you are not a
Fool.

Bash.

Why, if they should think me a Wit, although
I were none, it would increase their envy, and
so they might make scandalous reports, which I perceive
they are apt to do of one another; whereas now their
opinion of my ignorant simplicity satisfies their spite.

Moth.

What came you to Court for, only to be
thought a Fool?

Bash.

No, I came to learn Wisdom, and to improve
my Understanding; and if I can meet no Vertue,
Worth, nor Honour to take Examples from, yet I
may observe the Follies, so as to shun them where or
whensoever I meet them; and though ignorance is
thought a defect, either in Nature, or Breeding, yet it
is not accounted a crime, nor a deadly sin; and as long
as they cannot think by my Carriage I am base, wanton,
or wicked, I do not care how they think of my
Wit or Bashfulness.

Exeunt.
Scene Cc2r 9997

Scene V.

Enter Monsieur Underward and Diogenes his Man.

Diogenes.

Sir, here was a Gentlewoman to visit your Worship
to day.

Under.

I am glad I was abroad.

Diog.

I wonder your Worship is not rather sorry
you were abroad, because you miss’d her Company.

Under.

Therefore, I am glad, because I would not
have her Company.

Diog.

Many Gentlemen spend most of their time to
compass the Company of fair Ladies, and you strive
to shun them.

Under.

Faith, I have taken a surfeit of the Sex, and
now I wonder how rational Men can spend the most
part of their life in foolish Complements, false Praises,
and Amorous Imbraces, abjecting their thoughts, when
they might be elevated to a Speculation as high as
the upper Region, where they might be illuminated by
the Sun of Knowledge, from whence are spread beams
of Understanding, by which are produced profitable
Arts, and beneficial Sciences, delightful Fancies, and
wise Prudence; besides, their life might be imployed in
Heroick actions, whereby they might get an Honourable
renown, and not Female Dalliances; might conquer
Nations, not betray simple Women; and might govern Worlds Cc2v 10098
Worlds, not let foolish Women govern them; Thus
Men might be like gods, and being Amorous, they
become like Beasts.

Exit.

Diog.

He thought the Females, Angels, a day since,
and perhaps will think them so again a day hence.

Enter Monsieur Underward, his two Brothers, and
two Sisters.

Under.

Brothers and Sisters, you are welcome.

Sist.

We are come to complain, for if we cannot
have our Portions, how shall we live?

Under.

How shall you live! why Sisters you may
live by your Natural Gifts.

Sist.

What are those?

Under.

Your Youth, Beauty, and Wit.

Sist.

Alas Brother, those will gain us nothing, so
long as we are poor.

Under.

No, but they will gain you something, if you
turn Whores, or trade as the Venetian Curtizans, who
make by those Gifts a great Revenue.

Sist.

Heaven bless us Brother! would you have our
Misfortune the cause of our Infamy?

Under.

Heaven hath blest very few from it, for Misfortunes
in this Age are accounted the greatest crimes.

Sist.

They may be accounted Crimes, but we will
not make them so; for though unconscionable Men
have ruined our Estate, and caused us to be poor, yet
we will never defame our Ancestors.

Under.

I believe you will when necessity importunes you, Dd1r 10199
you, Flattery perswades you, Gallantry allures you,
Title intices you, and Power commands you.

Sist.

No, no, Brother, we have two Antidotes against
them, which will secure us against those Infections.

Under.

What Antidotes?

Sist.

Religion and Honour.

Under.

I doubt your Antidotes will be too weak.

Broth.

And how shall we live Brother?

Under.

Marry, Brothers, you must live by your
good Qualities.

Broth.

What are those good Qualities?

Under.

Why, to be industrious Pimps, nimble Pickpockets,
cheating Shirks, and couragious Robbers.

Broth.

These Qualities are base, and will sooner
bring us to the Gallows, then any way enrich us.

Under.

Why, the Gallows were a good Fortune;
for when you are hang’d, you will have no use for Riches,
and it will end all your miseries.

Broth.

But Hanging is a death which is only inflicted
upon unworthy persons for doing the basest acts.

Under.

Death is all one, although the ways be
various.

Broth.

But fame and infamy is not all one.

Under.

That is as pleases Fortune or Chance; for
many times the most wicked, base, and unworthiest
persons live, with as great renown, as the most pious,
vertuous and honourable; nay, many times the worst
are Deified, and the best vilified; but Brothers and Dd Sist- Dd1v 102100
Sisters, to speak seriously to you, I have nothing to give
you but my Counsel; for the Land my Father left, is
intail’d, so as I cannot sell an acre of it, and it is so
impoverished and out of heart, as it will yeild no profit;
nor can I Mortgage it, for none will venture their
Money on it; and I am not only ruined in my Estate,
but by Marriage, Marrying a Wife which I was forced
to take without Portion, my Guardian possessing that
Portion she had, and I only her ill-favoured body, and
ill-natur’d mind; the one displeasing my sences, the other
disquieting my life. Thus, although you complain, yet
’tis I who suffer most, and am forced to be content;
and since it is not in my power to help you, let me
advise you; As for you my two Sisters, get into some
honourable service; for though you were born and bred
to command, yet your poverty must make you practise
to obey: Wherefore, be humble to your Mistresses,
diligent in your Offices, faithful to you trust, constant
to Vertue, and pious to Heaven, and the gods will
reward you with good Husbands, who will love you,
defend you, and provide for you: And as for you, my
two Brothers, go to the Wars, and be Soldiers, it is an
honourable Profession, and only fit for Gentlemen; and
what esteem and respect you are likely to lose by your
poverty, let your gallant actions advance; improve
your Fortunes by your Valour, and let Honour be the
ground upon which you build.

Broth.

But if we be lamed in the Wars, what shall
we do then?

Under. Dd2r 103101

Under.

Why, then you must beg upon Crutches;
for States do as many particular persons do, which is,
when they have had the service, forget the reward; for
though States are commonly so charitable, or rather
Politick, to make Wars to imploy busie Natures, and
to maintain younger Brothers, and Sons of Noble
Families, which have small Fortunes, lest they should
grow factious, and become mutinous through poverty;
yet when they are made uncapable of doing either
good or harm by their wounds and hurts, they have
received in their Service, they take no care how they
shall be disposed of, not what misery they are exposed
to; yet this must not retard a Gentleman, for it is more
Honour to beg with their wounds got in their Country’s
service, then to live in base luxury; for Fame is not
gotten by Sloth, nor Honour maintained by Riot.

Exeunt Brothers and Sisters.

Scene VI.

Enter Diogenes to his Master.

Monsieur Underward.

Where have you been, that you are out of the
way when I should employ you?

Diog.

Sir, my Lady sent for me.

Under.

For what?

Diog.

To examine me what Mistress you had; also, she Dd2v 104102
she told me, that if you would not use her as a Wife,
she would make use of some other Man as a Husband.

Under.

Surely I am out of danger of being a Cuckold,
for she is so ill-favoured, no Man will come near her.

Diog.

Pardon me Sir; for if she hath not Beauty to
enamour Lovers, yet she may buy Lovers.

Under.

Her ill-favouredness is beyond all covetousness.

Diog.

O no Sir! for were she the Devil, she may be
imbraced for Money.

Under.

Not under a vast summ.

Diog.

Yes faith, Sir, there are Men of all prices, as
there are Women, even from the two-peny Whore to
the thousand pound Lady; so poor and needy Shirks
are at a low price, when a flattering Gallant must be
maintained at a high rate.

Under.

Why then, Tom, there is no assurance of the
Female Sex, whether they be homely, ugly, handsome,
beautiful, young, or old, unless Poverty be
joyned with Deformity.

Diog.

Nay, faith Sir, those that will be Whores,
will make a shift to get a Knave some way or other, be
they never so poor, or old, ill-favoured, or deformed.

Exeunt. Scene Ee1r 105103

Scene VII.

Enter Two Gentlemen.

First Gentleman.

Faith, the Lady Bashful is a mute Wit.

2 Gent.

laughs.

Ha, ha, ha, how can that be! is
it possible to be a mute Wit?

1 Gent.

Why, Wit lies in the brain, and not in the
tongue; for the hand as often expresseth Wit in the
working of Arts, as the Tongue by discoursing; and
an ingenious Art is as good a Copy of Wit, as Verses,
or Prose, and shews as much Fancy.

2 Gent.

So you will make a Shoo-maker as good a
Wit as a Poet.

1 Gent.

No; yet he that invented Shooes first, exprest
as much Wit, as he that invents a Tale, or a Romance,
or makes a Copy of Verses; besides, Arts are
to be valued according to the use, or Curiosity, as
Tales, Romances, Simulizing Descriptions, distinguishing
Fancy, Numbers, Rhimes, Language, significant
Words, and good Sense; so for Arts in their subtile
contrivances, curious workings, neat joynings and interlayings,
well tempering, equal matching, and smooth
pollishing: But howsoever, she is a mute Courtier, because
all Courtiers are full of talk, and she speaks seldome,
and what she says, is to purpose; when the rest,
for the most part, neither speak truth, sense, or reason; Ee for Ee1v 106104
for Flattery is dissembling, and Complements are vain,
idle and sensless.

Exeunt.

Scene VIII.

Enter Madam Civility, and the Lord Loyalty, as at
her House.

Lord Loyalty.

Madam, when were you at Court?

Civil.

Not this Week, my Lord.

Loyal.

Are not you acquainted with Madam Bashful?

Civil.

Yes, very well, my Lord; and she comes often
to visit me, which I take for a great favour, by
reason she is so reserv’d.

Loyal.

By Jupiter, she hath a great Wit, although
all the Court say she is a Fool.

Civil.

O, my Lord, whosoever says, she is a Fool
is much mistaken, and knows her not; but she is Bashful,
which make her not seem what she is, by reason she
cannot express her self, being out of Countenance.

Loyal.

Faith, if you will have my opinion, I think
she is crafty, and will not express her self to idle persons;
but pray Madam, when she comes to see you, let me
have notice of it.

Civil.

I shall, my Lord.

Exeunt. Scene Ee2r 107105

Scene IX.

Enter Monsieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes his
Man, his Master shews him Gold.

Monsieur Underward.

Look here, Tom! here is Five hundred pounds I have
won at Dice and Cards!

Tom.

I marry Sir, if your Worship could win as
much every day, you would become, in a short time,
a rich Man again.

Under.

I had rather be poor, then be rich by such
base unmanly ways.

Tom.

Why Sir? it is lawful gain, if you won it
fairly.

Under.

I will tell thee Tom, Gamesters are only
Fortune’s Pick-pockets, and Cut-purses, meer Cheats;
for they neither win their Winnings by Industry nor
Merit, but by Fortune’s power, which unjustly gives
her Favourites leave, nay authorize them to plunder
all they can lay hands on; without any conscience or
remorse; but had they been subject to Pallas, they
would have been hang’d, drawn and quarter’d; for
Temperance would have accused them, and Prudence
would have pleaded against them, Justice condemned
them, and Fortitude have them executed; or had they
lived in Honours Court, Right and Truth would have
disgraced them, Courteous Civility despised them, Grati- Ee2v 108106
Gratitude exclaimed against them, Honourable Industry
scorned them, Heroick Courage have fought against
them, Noble Hospitality refused to entertain them, and
Royal Generosity banished them; and they never can
get near a good heart, and a well tempered brain, for
the Muses and the Graces abhor them, and make outworks
against them; for Reason and Tranquility cast
up Trenches to keep them out, and Judgment stands a
Centinel to discover them, lest they should approach
unawares; and Understanding commands the Guard,
will keep the Postern-door, and Peace governs the Fort,
so as no Gamester can enter.

Tom.

Your Worship may condemn the way you
got your Money by; but I hope your Worship will not condemn the Gold you wonne.

Under.

Why, Tom, it hath neither sence nor life.

Tom.

And it please your Worship, it puts life into
those that have it, and it runs as nimbly about, as if it
were a living Creature; and I believe you will find it
so active, as that your Worship will scarce hold it.

Under.

No, but Tom, I will direct it.

Tom.

Which of your Sences shall direct it?

Under.

Why, none of my Sences; for it shall be directed
by my Reason.

Tom.

Your Worships Reason makes no use of it,
but your Appetite.

Under.

Why, Tom, Reason lives in Appetite.

Tom.

Very seldom; for the chief Rulers are Excess and Ff1r 109107
and Riot, Reason comes but as a Bishop goeth round
his Diocess, once in his life time, but many times
never.

Under.

Tom, you are better acquainted with the brutes
then I; but understand the Vices of the Sences best.

Tom.

Say not Vices, Sir, but the Natural Qualities;
for there is no Vice in Nature.

Under.

Yes, that is a Vice in Nature, that destroys
especially that which displeases; indeed the Vices in
Nature are DEeffects of Defects; and grievances and
pains are caused by Imperfections, and Dislikes by Defects;
and whosoever gives himself over to Sensuality,
hath an Imperfection in the Soul, and a Defect in the
Understanding.

Tom.

Your Worship speaks as if you were fallen
out with the Ladies Sences, or rather as if you did hate
them.

Under.

Why, Tom, the Sences are Witches, very
Sorcerers, which inchant the Life in the Castle of troublesome
vexation, or Metamorphise Men into Beasts.

Exeunt. Ff Scene Ff1v 110108 Scene

Scene X.

Enter the Lord Loyalty, and Madamoisel Bashful, as to
Madamoisel Civility’s House.

Lord Loyalty.

Sweet, will you Entertain me for your Servant?

Bash.

I am not rich enough in Merit to Entertain
one of your Worth.

Loyal.

I will trust your Merit, and serve you for
your Love.

Bash.

My Love is Childish, and hath not wit to
chuse, nor strength to stand on constant ground; but
totters, and staggers at every small dislike.

Loyal.

I will serve your Youth and Beauty.

Bash.

Your Lordship I doubt will have but a dull
and troublesome Service; for Beauty without Wit, is
no more then a Marble Statue; and Youth without
Discretion, is so wild, as it will weary you to run after
its Follies, or correct its Errors.

Loyal.

Then let me serve your Wit.

Bash.

That is so Fantastical, and changes into so
many shapes, and various Dresses, as it will tire your
Ears to listen after it, and your Patience will not endure
to keep it Company; for Wit without Judgment
to order it, is more offensive, then pleasing or delightful.

Loyal.

Are you so obscured1 wordcruell, as neither to let me serve your Ff2r 111109
your Virtue, Love, Youth, Beauty or Wit? yet
all your Rhetorick shall not turn me off; for I will
serve you, although it be against your will, for I never
knew any Lady as yet, but loved Variety of Servants,
to shew their Power by their Tyranny.

Enter Madamoisel Ill-favoured, and finds them together.

Ill-fav.

I’faith, my Lord, have I found your Lordship
out! I perceive you chuse the youngest and
fairest.

Loyal.

I should else condemn my Judgment, Madam.

Ill-fav.

My Lord, there is an old saying, “Fair and
Foolish.”

Loyal.

If you mean by Fair being Beautiful, then
Fair is Wit, good Nature, sweet Dispositions, rare
Qualities; for all good Delights and Pleasures dwell
with Beauty.

Ill-fav.

O fie, my Lord! can the Delight of one
Sence feed all the rest?

Loyal.

No; for the Mind hath no true tast but when
it feeds but of one Sence at a time; for mixt Sences make
imperfect Pleasures; besides, they are as troublesome as
much company to a retired life; for much Company
rather makes a Disorder, then a Recreation; a Confusion
then a Society.

Ill-fav.

But doth your Lordship think so?

Loyal.

Nay, Madam, I will not dispute with your
Ladiship here, I will wait upon you at your Lodgings,
and dispute with you there.

Exit Ff2v 112110 Exit the Lord Loyalty, and as he goeth out, meets
Madamoisel Spightful.

Spight.

Your Lordship’s Servant.

Loyal.

I am yours, Madam.

Exit Lord Loyalty.

Ill-fav.

Oh Madam! here I found the Lord Loyalty
and Madamoisel Bashful talking seriously!

Spight.

Fie, sweet-heart, fie; it is not fit, or handsome,
that you should be abroad without the Mother of the
Maids, walking with a Man alone, and out of the
Court, ’tis a shame; and let me tell you, that if the
Emperess should know of it, she would be very
angry.

Exit Madamoisel Bashful, without speaking a Word.

Ill-fav.

Nay, faith, I dare answer for her talking; for
on my Conscience she did not speak three words; nor
can she speak twenty in order; and I dare swear she understands
not all the Letters in the Cris-cross-row.

Spight.

I suppose her Mother sent her to the Court,
to learn to discourse, and to refine her behaviour, and to
elevate her Spirit.

Ill-fav.

Faith, she is the dullest Creature, of a young
one, that ever I met with.

Spight.

Time and Practise will improve her; and truly
it were a Charity to instruct her.

Ill-fav.

I would not be she that should take that pains
for all the World: But where is Madamoisel Civility?
let us go and seek her out.

Exeunt. Scene Gg1r 113111

Scene XI.

Enter Madamoisel Controversie, and another ancient
Court-Lady.

Mad. Controversie.

Ido not conceive Madamoisel Bashful to be so handsome,
as to be admired for a Beauty; yet most of the
Men seem to like her best.

Lady.

All Men love that which is most unusual; for
she being so dull a young Lady, as not to delight in
speaking, makes her to be a singular Creature here, by
reason all the rest speak so much.

Controv.

As dull as she seems, I believe she is more
subtile and crafty then the rest.

Exeunt.

Scene XII.

Enter Monsieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes
his Man.

Monsieur Underward.

Iam so troubled with the Five hundred pounds I
won at Play, I know not how to dispose of them.

T. Diog.

I can tell your Worship how you may
dispose of them, if you please.

Under.

How, Tom?

T. Diog.

Why, your Worship may give it me. Gg Under. Gg1v 114112

Under.

You must deserve it first, or else it would be
a Prodigality to give beyond the Receiver’s Merit.

T. Diog.

It would be a Charity, Sir.

Under.

No, Tom, it would prove a vanity to bestow
beyond a necessity; and as long as thou hast Meat,
Drink, Clothes and Lodging, thou need’st not, having
neither Wife nor Children to provide for.

T. Diog.

I desire it, out of an humble duty and service
which I owe your Worship, to release you of
that trouble, and to take off the heavy weight of Five
hundred pounds; but I perceive your Worship doth
by these Five hundred pounds, as Statesmen, and great
Officers at Court, who are always complaining of overmuch
business and attendance, and make as if it were
the greatest affliction in the World to be so tormented,
and yet would as soon dye as part with their places, nay
most commonly they do dye with grief, or at least live
in discontent, all the time they live, if they chance to
be put out and another put in their places.

Under.

Now thou talkest of Offices, I will buy an
Office at Court with my Money; for Money won at
Play, is best bestowed at Court; for Vanity and Vice
is near a kin, and hold the longest Friendship; and
though I visit the Court sometimes, yet I have no Office.

T. Diog.

But, and it please your Worship, Five
hundred pounds will buy but a mean Office, or Place
at Court; for they hold their prizes high, although the
gains be but small; one wordobscuredfor at Court, not only the Honour Gg2r 115113
Honour of the place is prized, but every proud Look
and fantastical Garb, bawling Words, bold fronts, or
Courtly Oaths, are all prized and paid for, to the uttermost
farthing.

Under.

Well, Tom, I will make my bargain as well
as I can; but an Office I am resolved to have.

T. Diog.

If your Worship were a Batchellor, to be
an Officer in Court, might do you some service; but
as you are a Married Man, I cannot perceive it will
benefit you much.

Under.

Why, not a Married Man, as well as a
Batchellor?

T. Diog.

O Sir, a Court-Officer sounds loud, and is
conceived to be noble in the Ears and Mind of a young
City-Virgin; and likewise with City-Widows; but
with Countrey-Ladies, Court-Officers seem as gods, and
they have not power to deny them any request; so that
a Court-Officer may get a young Heir, or a rich Widow,
if he were a Batchellor; but being a Married Man,
he will be only feasted, or probably, may obtain some
private Meetings, or the like, which for the most part
is to the Courtiers loss, those private Meetings being
most commonly devillish chargeable.

Under.

Well, I will try my Fortune; who can tell
but that the Emperor may look graciously on me, and
make me a Favourite, when I am an Officer?

T. Diog.

He may look on you with a gracious eye;
but I doubt your Worship will never be made a Favourite.

Under Gg2v 116114

Under.

Why, Tom, as mean-deserving Men as I, have
been made Favourites.

T. Diog.

The more is the pity, Sir, that great Monarchs
which sit at the Helm, and govern a Kingdom,
should have so weak a judgment, or such depraved affections,
as to place their chief Favours on a worthless
Subject.

Under.

Why, you Rogue, do you think me a
worthless subject?

T. Diog.

No, Sir; I speak when Men of mean abilities
are made Favourites; but by your favour, Sir,
your Worship may be a very deserving person in your
self, and a fit Man for some kind of Places, Offices, or
Employments, and yet not fit to be Favourite; for a
Favourite must not only be Honourably born, Nobly
bred, and of a Rich Inheritance, to keep off Envy; but
he must be sweetly disposed; civilly behaved; also of a
pleasing Speech, a generous Nature, a free Mind, and
bountiful hand, to get Love; likewise, he must have an
unspoted Reputation, a just Word, upright Actions,
and an Heroick Spirit to win Credit; also, he must
have a prudent eye, a deep Judgment to spie out his
Enemies, and discern his true Friends, if Favourites
can have true Friends; besides, he must have undaunted
Courage to defend himself against mischievous spite, and
malicious envy; and a strong party, to march and pass
through opposers; he must also have a ready Wit, and
be ingenious in Contrivances, and Politick Inventions, with Hh1r 117115
with an industrious dispatch; also, he must have an
oyled Tongue, both to speak for his Prince, and to his
Prince, for himself and his affairs: Lastly, he must be so
wise as to receive his Princes Commands with a dutiful
respect, and present his own Counsels or advice with an
humble demeanor, and an insinuating Countenance;
and when he is to plead a Suit, he must do it as if
it were a bounty and a Royal favour to grant it,
although it were an injustice to deny it: And whosoever
is not thus, and doth not act thus, is not fit to
be a Favourite; neither can a Favourite hold fast with
the people, nor stand sure with his Prince.

Under.

Nay faith, you should have joyned Fortune
to be his Friend, or else your Favourite will fall; and
it is most often seen, that a Fool hath the best Fortune;
besides, if any Man were so excellent a person, as
you would have a Favourite, the Prince would fear
him, lest he might usurp his power; or the People
would hate him for his Worth and Merit; for they
love nothing in perfection: But if any Man could practise
as well as speak, thou were the only fit Man to be a Favourite.
But Tom, tell me how comest thou to speak so
wisely?

T. Diog.

O Master, although your Worship hath
a better Natural Wit, then I; yet being old, I have
more experience then you; for Time and Experience
is the Father and Mother of Wisdom.

Hh Under. Hh1v 118116

Under.

Well, Tom, for all your wise discourse, I will
try my Fortune at Court.

T. Diog.

But Sir, I wonder your Worship should
desire to be a Court-Officer, since you have been ruined
and undone by Courtiers.

Under.

The fitter I am to be one, to ruine another,
as they have ruined me.

Exeunt.

Scene XIII.

Enter the Lord Loyalty and Madamoisel Bashful, as in
Madamoisel Civilities House.

Lord Loyalty.

Do you say, you can love an unfortunate Man?

Bash.

Yes, so his Misfortunes come not through
his Crimes.

Loyal.

Misfortune’s are thought Crimes, and are oftner
shunned then Crimes are, for most part of the World
is so base, that unto Criminal Powers they will crouch,
creep, flatter, and sell their Liberties to them, when they
will exclaim against honest Misfortunes, and fly from,
or else will pursue them unto death, and then triumph
over their Graves; besides, the World will wonder that
you are young and fair, should chuse an unfortunate
Man for a Husband.

Bash.

My Lord, Misfortunes and Honesty in this
Age, are so fixt to each other, as I cannot chuse one,
but I must take both.

Loyal. Hh2r 119117

Loyal.

Can you love so well, as to be ruined for my
sake?

Bash.

If you call Poverty ruine, when it’s taken up
for Merit sake, I could be well content to entertain it,
and should glory in the acquaintance, and be proud of
the fellowship.

Loyal.

Why the, we will never dispute of it further,
but Marry as soon as Conveniency will give us leave.

Exeunt.

Scene XIV.

Enter Madam Ill-favoured, Madam Spightful, Madam
Wagtail
, and Madam Ill-natured.

Wagtail.

How shall we do to break the Marriage?

Spight.

Thus, you Wagtail may speak to some
of the Bed-Chamber of the Emperess, and tell them as
a Secret, that the Lord Loyalty will for certain Marry
Madamoisel Bashful, and they will be so envious, especially
Madamoisel Bragadocia, and Madamoisel Relax,
as they will do there endeavour with the Emperess, to
get her to break it.

Ill-fav.

And I will speak to some friends of mine to
that purpose.

Spight.

And I will send Monsieur Malicious, to tell
the Lord Loyalty that she sits up as late as any of us, and and Hh2v 120118
and that she hath as much Company of Men late in her
Chamber, and any of the Maids have.

Wagt.

But that is known to the contrary.

Spight.

Pish, Men are apt to be jealous of the Mistresses
they intend to Marry; and Jealousie will believe
any thing; also let us employ Tell-Tale.

Ill-natured.

No faith, if she should know our design,
she will do us more hurt then our design good, by telling
it; for she can conceal nothing, she cannot keep a Secret,
if she should die for declaring it, for when she
knows any thing, that she thinks is not generally known,
she runs from Lodging to Lodging to spread it abroad.

Exeunt.

Scene XV.

Enter Madamoisel Bashful, and Madam Civility.

Mad. Civility.

O Madamoisel Bashful, here hath been five or six
Messengers one after the heels of another, to call
you back to the Court; and now the Mother is come
from the Emperess.

Bash.

It cannot be for any Treason to the State, nor
to the Emperess my Mistress; nor for any Crime against
my fellow-Servants, and Sisters; and certainly they do
not take me for a wise Sybel to ask Counsel of.

Civil.

They are spightful and envious, and fearing you should Ii1r 121119
should Marry the Lord Loyalty, who is not only one of
the gallantest Men, but one of the greatest in the
Kingdom.

Bash.

Well, Madam, I shall take my leave of you
for this time, and pray send the Lord Loyalty word, I
am sent for to the Court in all hast; but I will rest
upon his favour to defend me, if I be assaulted, or to
receive me if I be in distress.

Exeunt.

Scene XVI.

Enter Madam Impoverished, Underward’s eldest Sister,
Monsieur Lover, her Ladies Brother, follows her.

Mad. Impoverished.

Sir, why do you follow me so?

Lover.

To have you love me.

Impov.

After what manner would you have me love
you? as you are a worthy Person, or a bountiful Master,
a kind friend, or an amorous Lover, or for a Husband?

Lover.

As a lover.

Impov.

As a Platonick Lover, or a Carnal Lover,
or an admiring, sighing, whining Lover, or an honest
Matrimonial Lover?

Lover.

As a Carnal Lover, and by that all manner
of fashion’d Lovers, or degrees of Loves, are comprehended.

Impov.

Well, apprehend me then, and know I am Ii onely Ii1v 122120
only for a Matrimonial Lover, and for no other.

Lover.

Do you think I will Marry my Sisters waiting
Woman?

Impov.

Why, am I the worse, for being your Sisters
Woman?

Lover.

No, not for being my Sisters Woman, because
she is a worthy and honourable person; but for
being a Servant.

Impov.

There are none who are not either Servants,
or Slaves by Nature, Fortune, Opinion, Necessity, or
Supream power; we are Slaves to the Pleasure of our
Sences; to the pains and sickness of our Bodies; to the
passions of our Minds; to the necessities of Poverty; to
humane Laws; to the motions of Time; to the Conveniency
of Place; to the change of Chance; to the decrees
of Fate; to the frowns of Fortune: And if you
are in Love with me, you are a Slave either to my
Beauty, Wit, Virtue, or your own evil desires; but
those, who can conquer themselves, are the most free,
since they rule their Passions, temper their Appetites,
order their Actions, bear their Misfortunes without
murmuring, endure pain patiently, fear not death, nor
are weary of life; and not doing thus you may be more
a Servant or Slave, then I; yet none are absolutely free:
For, although Patience, Temperance, Fortitude, Prudence,
and Industry be as Engines or Instruments, which
serve to break off some of our Shackles; yet they break
not all our Chains; for Civility, Obligations, Duty, Huma- Ii2r 123121
Humanity, Morality, and Divinity bind us; in which
bondage we ought to remain; and not only these bind
us, but Nature her self binds us; nay, Nature her self
binds and enslaves her self with Rods of pain; by which
we may perceive,

That it is only Death which sets us free,

For whilst we live we are bound to Slaverie.

Lover.

But some are more noble Slaves then others.

Impov.

No truly, for those are as much enslaved that
are tyed with Golden Chains, as with those of Iron; or
whipt with silken Cords, as with those of Hemp, if
they are as strong to restrain them, or so knotty that
the smart may keep them in awe: But as to the matter
of service, I think it not only an advantage for Gentlemen
and Women who have low Fortunes, to serve
those that are rich in Possessions, or great Titles, or
powerful or meritorious Persons; but they are an honour
to those persons they serve, and ought not to be thought
the worse for serving of them, but to be the more esteemed;
otherwise, they do not only disgrace those that
serve them; but they disgrace themselves by undervaluing
their services, as the truth is, most do: For Example,
A Gentleman of an ancient Family, whose Ancestors
have been very rich, powerful and meritorious, being faln
into decay, either by their too free and noble Entertainments,
or by some misfortune; or by a numerous issue, which
cuts and divides an Estate so often, and into such small
parts, as it is dispersed, and flys away like dust, the Estate being Ii2v 124122
being gone before the line of succession is ended, the issue of
that line are enforced to seek their Fortunes, addressing themselves
to the protection and maintenance of some Noble
Persons, which Noble Persons ought to prefer them
according to their desert; but put the case some have so
much Means as to give their Sons and Daughters indifferent
Portions, yet living obscurely, not having such
Estates as to keep and entertain resort, or to put themselves
in a publick way of living, their Children are buried
in obscurity, having not ways or a sufficient Estate,
to make themselves known to the World, or the World
to them; wherefore, these Gentlemen send their Sons
and Daughters to serve Noble Men, and honourable
Ladies; in which Services they learn handsome Fashions,
Graceful Behaviour, Noble Entertainments: Also,
their Beauties are set out to the general view, their Wits
to the general Observation; their Worth and Merits to the
general knowledg of the chief of the Kingdom, or at
least, to some eminent persons which take notice of them,
and so much many times as to Marry them. As for their
Sons, their Lords and Noble Masters do often prefer
them to Offices, or some Martial Command, if they be
persons worthy of Preferment; but if they are not preferred,
yet they have Diet, Lodging, Wages, and good
Company so long as their Lords and Noble Masters
live, and enjoy their respect, and esteem; besides, all
Noble Mens Houses are, or should be superintendent
Courts, not only to entertain the kingdom with Sports and Kk1r 125123
and delights, and to teach them Civility, and courteous
Behaviour; but to shew the Honour and Magnificence
of the Kingdom, to awe others, and keep up their own
Dignity, and by that the Royalty; making a difference
betwixt the Peasantry, and the Gentry; for as the Nobility
depend upon the Crown, and the Crown is upheld
by the Nobility, so the Gentry upon the Nobility,
and Nobility by the Gentry; which three parts joyn’d,
is the Noble half of the Kingdom; the Citizens, Yeomandry
and Handicrafts-Men, or Labourers, are the
other half; this half is from the Wast downward, the
other from the Wast upward: The King is the head, the
Nobles are the heart, the Gentry the Armes; the Head
to direct, the Heart to assist, the Armes to defend; the
Head is the Seat of Justice, the Heart the Magazine of
Counsel, the Armes the force of Power. The other half
is from the Wast downwards, the Citizens are as the
Belly which devour all, the Labourers the Feet to transport
all; but if the Head be distempered with Simplicity,
or distracted with Extravagancy, or akes with Tyranny;
or the Heart sick with Treason, or hot with Malice, or
cold with Envy, or hath the passion of Covetousness;
or if the Armes be broke with Cowardise, or weak
with Debauchery; the Belly straight swells with Hydropical
faction, and breaks into Rebellion; the thighs
and feet become weak with Famine, and full of the
scurvy of disorder: Thus, if the Head be not wise, the
Heart honest, the Armes strong, the rest of the Common-wealthKk mon- Kk1v 126124
is soon brought to ruine; And if the Emperor
affronts the Nobility by disrepects, or neglects;
and the Nobility strives to disgrace the Gentry: Royalty,
Nobility, and Gentry will soon fall down; Also,
if Kings slight their Noblest Servants, and the Nobility
slights the Right Worshipful Servants, their own Honour
and Respect will soon decay; not but that all, who
are Servants, ought to do their duty to their Lords, Masters,
or Ladies, and to obey their pleasure, or else they
ought to lose their Service; for all Servants owe a duty
and respect to their Masters, and those Masters, who
do not keep and govern them to the observance of that
duty and respect, ought not to be Masters of Families,
or to keep Servants.

But to return to my self again; I believe you are a
person so wise, and have so much worth, as neither to
detract from your Sisters Services, nor to discredit my
birth for being a Servant; ’tis true, if my Birth and
Breeding, had been as low as my Fortunes, you might
have rejected me as for a Wife, by reason the Qualities
and Natures of mean Persons are most commonly accordingly,
having as vulgar Souls as Births; I do not
say all but most, for sometimes Merit is found in a
poor Cottage, and those that have noble Souls are to
be preferred before those of Honourable Birth; for they
descend from the gods, whose Essence is infused into the
purest Substance of their Nature; yet that is so seldome,
that there are but few Ages that can boast thereof; but Kk2r 127125
but however they have this advantage, that they are
so much the more prosperous being unusual; and as the
Gentry are spurred with Ambition to maintain the
Honour of their Ancestors, by Virtuous, Noble, and
Heroick Precepts, (for Gentry is derived from the root
of Merit) so the brood of the Vulgar for the most part
lies in the same litter, mire, kennel, or dunghill as their
Parents did: And as I am a Gentlewoman born, and
bred, although I am poor, yet I am an equal match, for
any person, of what Dignity, Wealth, Power, or
Authority whatsoever, and as I am virtuously Chast,
I am not to be despised by the most Heroick Spirit.

Lover.

If you will preach such a Lecture to all my
Friends, and aquaintance, and can convert them as
you have done me, I will Marry thee in great Tryumph,
and feast them all at my Wedding.

Impov.

Nay, surely I will never buy a Husband at
the charge or cost of so many words, which must be
laid out in so many several Discourses, unless I knew
how you would prove.

Lover.

Let me tell you, I shall prove an excellent
bargain.

Impov.

I dare not take your word.

Exit. Monsieur Lover, Solus.

Lover.

Well, I must Marry her, although thrifty
discretion forbids the Banes.

Exit.
Scene Kk2v 128126

Scene XVII.

Enter Monsieur Underward, as being now a Widower,
his Wife newly dead; and enter Tom
Diogenes
his Man.

Tom Diogenes.

Sir, will not your Worship keep the Funeral-
Ceremonies for my Lady, now she is dead, and
to have her Herse stand for a Month together, to receive
Condoling Visits, and Visiters, in a Room hung
with black, and so many Mourners to sit by, and you
as a sorrowful Husband at the head of the Herse, seeming
to weep?

Under.

I cannot sit so long a time.

T. Diog.

Why? you need not if you will not, or
cannot sit so long and tedious a time; for you may
hire a poor Man to sit and mourn for you; for the
Mourning Garments and Hood over the Head and
Body, and the dirty Handkerchief held to the eyes,
hides the person of the Mourner, so that none can tell,
but that it is your self.

Under.

But yet I must imprison my self for that
time; for if I should go abroad, the deceit will be found
out.

T. Diog.

But it were better to be bound and imprisoned
to your single life, then to a Company of
Strangers.

Under. Ll1r 129127

Under.

And useless Ceremonies, Tom.

T. Diog.

But Sir, I would advise you to keep it, were
it but to divulge the Antiquity of your Gentility, which
will be done by the Scutcheons upon the Herse.

Under.

The Expence will buy that vain glory too
dear; for the very Torches that must be set about the
Herse, will cost more then the Vanity is worth.

T. Diog.

You may save that Expence of Torches,
Sir; for blinking Lamps with a little Rape-oyl, of small
cost, will serve, and will do much better, and are more
proper to be hung in a mourning room; for such Lamps
look dismal and melancholy, by reason of the many
shadows they make, by their imperfect lights; besides,
when a Herse is beset round with great flaming Torches,
the Corps seems as if it were in the midst of Hellfire.

Under.

Well, go your ways, Tom, and give order
that her Corps be carried privately unto my Country-
House, and then to be buried amongst my Ancestors;
though truly I never knew her as a Wife, but in respect
to that holy Ceremonial contract of Marriage,
and honourable Names of Husband and Wife, she
shall be buried there.

T. Diog.

It is a favour, Sir, that you will let her lie
with your Forefathers now she is dead, although you
would never lie with her your self, when she lived; and
when you die and are buried in the same place, if your
ashes should meet, they might chance to produce Immortal
Souls.

Ll Under. Ll1v 130128

Under.

Or Platonick Lovers, Tom.

Exeunt.

Scene XVIII.

Enter the Maids, and other Court-Ladies.

Madam Spightful.

I wonder that all the Strangers that come to the
Court, should address themselves to Madamoisel
Bashful
, more then to any of the rest! it cannot be for her
Wit; and I do not see so much beauty she hath to be
admired.

Enter Monsieur Insinuator, Monsieur La Bough,
and Monsieur Observer, Madamoisel Wagtail, and
Madamoisel Wanton.

Wagt.

Lord, Gentlemen, how can you be so long in
the Court without the sight of Madamoisel Bashful?

Insinu.

Faith, she will not let us have a sight of her,
but when she comes to attend on the Emperess.

Want.

I would very fain know, whether any body
ever heard her speak a dozen words.

La Boug.

Madam, I have heard her.

Want.

And were they sense, or non-sense?

La Boug.

Very sencible to the subject she spoke on;
but she speaks no more then needs she must, to keep in
the society of Civility.

Exeunt. Enter the Mother of the Maids.

Moth.

Ladies, the Emperess is going abroad.

Exit.
Scene Ll2r 131129

Scene XIX.

Enter Madamoisel Bashful, and meets the Lord Loyalty
in the Presence-Chamber.

Lord Loyalty.

Well met; let me examine you where you
have been.

Bash.

I have been, my Lord, at Madam Controversie’s
Chamber to hear the Sages dispute.

Loyal.

And which side carries it to day?

Bash.

Why, neither, my Lord; it is left in debate, as
most Disputes are.

Loyal.

So it will be until Doomsday; for no questions
concerning the gods can be resolved, nor any Arguments
proved; and if no Souls should enter into the
blessed Elysium, but those that must eat Ambrosia, and
drink Nectar, and prove by reason what Meat and
Drink it is; Charon might drown his Boat in the River
of Styx; and Melancholy walk those blessed fields
alone by himself; neither should Mortals ever have the
Honour and Glory to be taken up into Jove’s Mansion;
Hercules had lost his labour, and Orion had never been
a Constellation; and so of the rest of the gods: Should
they impose that which we cannot undergo, and require
that we cannot give, and expect we should know
that which is not to be known, or at least understood,
were not only unjust, but ridiculous, and agrees not with Ll2v 132130
with the Wisdom of the gods: Therefore Lady, let
me advise you, never to hearken after Controversies
concerning the gods; nor to enter into any
Controversies; for all sorts of Controversies will disquiet
your mind, trouble your head, tire your thoughts,
disturb your rest, divide your affairs, disorder your
Family, distract your life, and torment your Soul:
As for Disputes, it heats the Brain, spends the Spirits,
breaks the Voice, wearies the Tongue, loses Friends,
makes Quarrels, and many times causes unnatural
death.

Bash.

I shall take your Lordships Counsel.

Loyal.

I pray grant my desire, to meet me at Madamoisel
Civility’s
house.

Bash.

I shall my Lord.

Exeunt.

Scene XX.

Enter Madam Ill-favoured, Madamoisel Spightful, and
Madamoisel Wagtail, as being three dear Friends.

Madam Ill-favoured.

How shall we compass to get the Company of
Monsieur Insinuator, Monsieur Exceptions, and
Monsieur Observer?

Wagt.

Faith, I hate their Company; for they admire
none, but Madamoisel Bashful.

Ill-fav.

Therefore, I would endeavour to get them
into our Company, to make her jealous.

Wagt. Mm1r 133131

Wagt.

O, she cares not, for she shuns them.

Spight.

Yet she may be vext to see her Admirers
neglect her.

Wagt.

As soon as they see her, they will leave our
Company, to go and gaze on her.

Ill-fav.

No; no; for our Wit will make them our own,
and I will make an Entertainment, and invite them to
Supper.

Wagt.

Pish, pish.

Ill-fav.

Nay, prithee agree; and i’faith, if you will
come, I will send for Doctor Female, and Master Letter;
I know you love their Company well; for if you be
not with us, Messieurs Insinuator, Observer, and Exceptions
will never come.

Wagt.

Why, did you use to laugh at them, or dispraise
them?

Ill-fav.

It’s true, I did behind their backs, when we had
other Men in our Company, and to please them we
have disparaged those of our acquaintance that were
not with us.

Wagt.

Well, I will come to sup with you.

Exeunt.
Mm Scene Mm1v 134132

Scene XXI.

Enter Tom Diogenes, with another Man, his Friend.

Man.

Tom, how dost thou do?

Tom.

Do you ask me, how I do in my Health,
Estate, or Content?

Man.

Why, in thy Health, and Wealth; for those
that are Healthful and Rich, there is no doubt but they
are Content..

Tom.

By your leave, let me tell you, That by my
Observations in the World, I have observed, that those
who are Healthful, very rich, and Powerful, have as
troubled Minds, as those that are weakly, poor, and
mean; for a Slave may be more content then a great
Monarch; a poor Man that eats and lives by that sweat
of his Brows, then a rich Usurer; a Bed-ridden Man,
then a Dancing Gallant; for Content and Discontent
lives in the Mind, not in the Body, Labour, Wealth,
or Power.

Man.

Well, how do you both in Mind and Body?

Tom.

As most are, sometimes better, and sometimes
worse.

Man.

And how do you like the Court?

Tom.

As the Court likes me.

Man.

How is that?

Tom.

Not to care whether I am in, or out; but
come, we will go into the Cellar, for the Cellar-Man is Mm2r 135133
is my great Friend, and he will make thee drink for
my sake.

Exeunt. Enter Monsieur Underward, and Madam Ill-
favoured

Ill-fav.

Monseur Underward, when will you come
to my Chamber? I can never see you there of late, I
pray come and sup with me to Night; there will be
Madam Spightful, and Monsieur Malitious.

Under.

Faith, Madam, my occasions are such, as will
force my absence, for which I could curse my fate, that
deprives me of your sweet Company.

Ill-fav.

If you will come, I will send for Madam
Wagtail
, and she will tempt you, though I cannot; what
say you, will you come?

Under.

Madam, your Commands are so powerful, as
they are able to force Destiny her self.

Exeunt.

Scene XXII.

Enter Madamoisel Petitioner, her Gentleman-Usher,
and a Waiting-Woman with her; she all in Mourning
as a Widow, being young and handsom.

Madamoisel Petitioner.

We will go no further, lest we should be
turned back, with some affront; for Courts
(they say) are apt to cast disgrace on Strangers.

Usher.

Not on one of your Quality, Madam.

Petit. Mm2v 136134

Petit.

Of any Quality, if they understand not the
Court’s Garbs and Phrases.

Enter Monsieur Underward, and seeing the Lady standing
as in a back-Gallery, speaks to her.

Under.

Madam, your Beauty deserves to be shewn to
the view of the World, and not to be obscured in a
black-Gallery; wherefore, your Ladiship had best go
into the Presence, where are other Beauties to entertain
you.

Petit.

Sir, I came not to shew my Beauty, had I any
to shew; but to offer a Petition to the Emperor and his
Council, if I knew how?

Under.

Surely you cannot offer a Petition, and not
receive a Grant; and could I do your Ladiship any
service, I should think my self happy; and although I
live at Court, and am a Servant to the Emperor, my
power is but weak; yet if you please to employ me, I
shall serve you to the uttermost of my weak power.

Petit.

Sir, I shall be thankful; and I will reward you
to the uttermost of my ability.

Under.

Madam, I am not Mercenary, nor do I offer
my service out of base Interest; I make not Petitioners
my Clients to bribe me, nor do I live by such rewards;
but by your Commands would be reward enough, and
more then I have Merit to deserve, had I power to my
wish.

Petit.

I hope I have not offended, Sir?

Under.

Your Sex is sacred, and he is not worthy of Nn1r 137135
of the Name of a Gentleman, that thinks a Lady can
offend any more then the gods; they may punish Offences
with their Frowns, but they themselves cannot offend
by doing unjust acts, from whence offences do proceed.

Petit.

Then, Sir, I shall desire so much Friendship
from you, as to let me know when the Council sits, and
to present me to the place.

Under.

I shall, Madam.

Petit.

If I had any body to recommend my suit, I
make no question but it would thrive the better.

Under.

Madam, there is a noble person, one of the
Emperor’s Privy Council, who is both generous and
just, and hath some power and favour with the Emperor;
he hath been pleased to bestow a civil respect to me, and
if you please I will present you to him.

Petit.

Sir, I shall be obliged to you for your favours.

Enter the Lord Loyalty, Monsieur Underward goeth
to him and speaks to him.

Under.

My Lord, there is a Lady that desires your
Lordships favourable assistance about a Petition she
would deliver to the Emperor, and his Council; my
noble Lord, I shall not need to plead her Cause; for her
Beauty, and the Justice of her Cause, will plead themselves,
without the help of Rhetotrick.

Loyal.

Sir, it was well you put in the Justice of her
Cause; for Beauty ought not to plead; for it corrupts
all Mortal Judges; but Madam, if you please to make
your Petition known to me, I shall advise you the best Nn INn1v 138136
I can, and shall be industrious in your service; and if
you please to let me wait on you into the Room before
the Council-Chamber, I shall there best hear your
Cause, and receive your Commands.

Petit.

I shall wait on your Lordship.

The Lord Loyalty takes her by the hand, and
leads her out, the rest follow.
Enter Monsieur Observer to Monsieur Underward.

Observ.

So Underward! no sooner a rich young Widow
is faln, but you straight catch her up!

Under.

What rich young Widow?

Obs.

As if you did not know, and have led her about
from room to room this hour.

Under.

Why, was she a Widow which I led?

Obsserv.

Why, did you not know her?

Under.

No, by my troth, I knew not, whether she
was Wife, Widow, or Maid.

Observ.

Then let me tell you, she is one of the richest
Widows that is in the Kingdom.

Under.

That may be, and yet but poor.

Observ.

Nay, she is very rich; for she was an Heir
before she Married, and her Husband a mighty rich
Man, and hath left her a great fortune.

Under.

Surely she deserves it, for she seems of a sweet
disposition, and noble nature.

Observ.

Whether she deserve it, or not, he was bound
to leave it her upon the conditions her friends made
upon the Marriage; otherwise, I doubt he would have left Nn2r 139137
left her poor enough, I mean as poor as he could leave
her; for he and she could never agree all the while they
lived together; for she being Married to him against
her will, being forced by her Friends, he after he was
Married grew cross and unkind to her, as being jealous
of her affection.

Under.

It. seems you are will acquainted with the
Lady, and her particular affairs.

Observ.

I am better acquainted with her affairs, then
her self, by the acquaintance of her Atturney.

Under.

I would you were as well acquainted with
her self, as with her Atturney, then perchance you might
have done me a Courtesie.

Exeunt.

Scene XXIII.

Enter two Old Court-Ladies.

First Lady.

He is a very fine Gentleman, by my troth.

2 Lady.

There hath not been a more civil, nor
better behaved Courtier, a great while.

Enter Monsieur Underward, being a Courtier.

1 Lady.

We were even now a talking of you.

Under.

Madam, I am not a Subject worthy of your
Discourse.

2 Lady.

I knew your Father, he was a worthy Gentleman,
and kept a noble House, gave great Entertainment,ment Nn2v 140138
and I have been made very welcome there.

Under.

I wish I had the honour and abilities to make
your Ladyships as welcome as my Father did.

2 Lady.

I’faith you would not make me so welcome,
nor be so kind as your Father was.

Under.

It should be no fault of my Will, whatsoever
it might in my power.

Enter Madamoisel Wanton, and a Maid of Honour; as
she enters she sings quavering, “La, la, la, fa, la.”

Want.

O Monsieur Underward! I have been enquiring
for you, of all I met with, for there is a new Play
in the City, and you shall carry me to it; i’faith you
shall.

Under.

Madam, your Commands are sufficient without
an Oath, to send me any where; and I am proud
of being entertained in your service.

1 Old Lady.

Fie! fie! you fond young Lady; you
young Ladies surfet Mens affections.

Want.

Faith, Madam, that is, because you are Old;
but if you were as young as I, or when you were as
young, your fondness, I believe, thought Men beyond
Surfets; but wanton Age envies Youths freedom:
Come Monsieur let us go.

Under.

Your Humble Servant, Ladies!

Exeunt Underward, and Madamoisel Wanton.
The Old Ladies Solæ.

1 Lady.

Did you ever see one so young, and so bold?

2 Lady.

Why, truly all Youth is so in this Age; there is Oo1r 141139
is hardly a modest Maid to be found.

1 Lady.

In our times it was otherwise; for then Maids
were seen, and not heard.

2 Lady.

They were so; but now they are heard before
they are seen.

Exeunt.

Scene XXIV.

Enter Conversant and Observer to Monsieur
Underward
.

Monsieur Underward.

Conversant, I come to claim my wager, for I have
won it.

Convers.

I confess it also; I confess I did never judge
so weakly in my life.

Under.

Faith, you were always peremptory, and as
confident of your Judgement, as if you knew it would
never miss, when to my knowledg it seldom hits; for
if you judge once right, you judge ten times false; and I,
for once I judge false, I judge ten times right.

Convers.

You brag now you have won a wager by
your Judgment, but I have as much wit to judge on
Conjectures, Probabilities, Persons, or Business, as you.

Under.

Perchance, you have as much Wit as I, and
more wisdom then I, and far more good Nature then I;
for it is your Wisdom and good Nature, that makes
you err in your Judgment; for you judge of Men and Oo Business Oo1v 142140
Business according to sence, reason and honesty, as what
ought to be done, or may be done, discreetly imagining
all Men in their actions and course of life, to do
justly, honestly, judiciously, and as they ought to do,
supposing that they understand their own affairs and
Employments clearly, measure them evenly, weigh them
justly, and that they order all their Business properly,
timely, and fitly, judging most Men wise and honest;
whereas, I judg most Men Fools or Knaves; Fools,
because they neither conceive rightly, nor understand
clearly, nor propound rationally, nor conclude probably,
nor act prudently; or that they are Knaves, who
regard neither right, truth, nor justice, but act all for
their self-interest, although it should be to the ruine of
all honest Men, or to the ruine of the Commonwealth,
so it may be any advantage to themselves: And this
Observation of Mankind makes me for the most part
judge right; for I observe, That neither Nature, nor the
gods, have given all Men, no nor most Men, either
Wisdom or Honesty; for Honesty is not a general
gift; and as for Wisdom it is so scarce in the World,
as not one wise Man is born in an age; for though there
be many fortunate Men, which seem like wise Men,
yet they are but of Fortunes making, and not of
Truths making; for true Wisdom is like the Elixir, it
is heard of, but not known: Wherefore, good Conversant,
Judg not most Men to be Wise and Honest.

Convers.

Well, hereafter I will judg all or most Men to Oo2r 143141
to be Fools, or Knaves, or both; and all their actions
to be against all sense and reason; and whatsoever falls
out happily, is the act of Fortune; and whatsoever falls
out unhappily, is through Mans folly, falshood, or
ignorance.

Enter Spend-all reading in a Paper-Book.

Convers.

Jove bless me! Spend-all, can you read! or
do you hold a piece of Printed paper in your hands,
before your eyes, to make all the Passengers believe you
can read?

Spend.

Why, do you think I cannot read, because
I cannot Construe a piece of Latin?

Conves.

It is not that you cannot Construe Latin,
but because you are so deboist, that I had thought you
had never looked in a Book, or any written or printed
Paper, since you had been a School-boy.

Spend.

I confess, I have not troubled reading much;
but all the Shops, Streets, Houses and Studies are so full
of Pamphlets and Diurnals, as I cannot pass by, or
croud thorough them, unless I take up some to read.

Convers.

’Tis a sign, this Age is fill’d with lying
News, or new Lyes; for in this Age, at least in this
Kingdom, there are many Pamphlet-Wits, and Diurnal-Histories,
which are most Lyes.

Observ.

There are as many Declarations and Petitions,
as there are Pamphlets and Diurnals, which shews
there be Eloquent Orators, that can make Eloquent
Declarations and Petitions.

Spend. Oo2v 144142

Spend.

’Tis true; but as for their Declarations, they
have for the most part one stile, and much after one
and the same way, only some words altered, according
to the present subject; and as for their Petitions, the
Wit of a whole County, or the whole Wit of a County
in joyned to make one Petition.

Observ.

I confess, that half a sheet of Paper, at most a
whole sheet, is as large as their Wit will reach; wherefore,
it would be very ill fortune, if they were not good,
since they are so short.

Convers.

But some Historians will gather them together,
and make a great swell’d Hydropical History of
them.

Exeunt.

Scene XXV.

Enter Madam Ill-favoured, and Madamoisel Wagtail.

Madam Ill-favoured.

Faith, Wagtail, I have been expecting you this half
hour; yet I perceive you are not always as good
as your word.

Wagt.

Faith, I could not help it; for the Duchess of
Amors
sent me to seek out the Duke of Noeland, to tell
him she was gone to Madam la Gravities Chamber.

Ill-fav.

And did you find him?

Wagt.

Yes, I met him coming from the Emperor.

Enter Pp1r 145143 Enter Madamoisel Tell-tale, and Madam Spightful.

Ill-fav.

Madamoisel Tell-tale, prithee for Jupiter’s
fake run to the Duchess, and tell her I heard her Lord
enquire for her; and ’twas told him she was seen going
to Madam la Gravities Lodging; for if her Husband
finds her and the Duke of Noeland together, he will
frown; wherefore, prithee run: Tell-tale runs out.
Although on my Conscience, he hath no reason to
suspect them.

Spight.

No, but our Husbands are jealous Men, and
very mistrustful.

Exeunt.

Scene XXVI.

Enter Tom Diogenes, and another Man.

Man.

Tom, I hear thy Master is Married again to
a very rich Lady.

Tom.

Yes, Faith; Fortune hath been a better Friend
to my Master, then the Court of Wards.

Man.

Now thy Master hath such great fortune, thou
may’st grow rich.

Tom.

No, Faith, for when my Master Married his
first Wife, he was so poor he had nothing to give me,
and now he hath Married a rich Wife, I fear he will grow
so covetous, as he will not part with any thing.

Man.

But rich Men use to be free and liberal.

Tom.

O no, for Men are bountiful, when they have no Pp1v 146144
nothing to give, but sparing when they have something
to keep.

Exeunt.

Scene XXVII.

Enter Monsieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes
his Man.
Written by my Lord Duke.

Tom Diogenes.

If I may be so bold, Sir, I wonder your Worship
will leave the Court?

Under.

Nay, Tom, the Court leaves me.

Tom.

I dare answer for the Court, it will never
leave your Worship as long as you have a peny; and
when you have nothing, then ’tis time to leave you
i’faith.

Under.

Wherefore, Tom, I will leave it whilst I have
pence.

Tom.

Where will you find so kind Friends in the
Country? Courtiers will so smile on you to your face!

Under.

And laugh at me behind my back.

Tom.

In your presence, what sugar’d words they will
give you?

Under.

And in my absence, what wormwood and gall?

Tom.

How they will imbrace you?

Under.

And when they are from me, kick at my name.

Tom.

Nay, they will kiss you.

Under.

A Judas-kiss, to betray me.

Tom. Pp2r 147145

Tom.

And when they see you, clap their hands for
joy, a plaudite of welcome.

Under.

When out of sight, out of Mind; or else
like Snakes to hiss me from their Stage.

Tom.

Nay, they will whisper in your ear Court-
Secrets.

Under.

Though there be none.

Tom.

And they will almost softly speak Treason in
your ear.

Under.

Yes, and afterwards swear, that it was I spoke
it unto them.

Tom.

Well Sir, for my part I never saw kinder people
in my life.

Under.

When they use you kindest, then look to
your self, for then they have deceiv’d, or mean to deceive
you; all is Interest and particular End, that is
all the kindness and friendship they have.

Tom.

Interest is well, if they pay that, for they
are never able to pay the Principal; but I assure your
Worship if they give me good words to my face, I
care not what they do when they are gone; back-biters
are but back-snarlers: But where will your Worship
have such fine Clothes, a la mode Feathers, Mistresses,
gilt Coaches, Pages, Lacquies, Powders, Perfumes,
Maskes, Playes, Balls, and a thousand
such like Recreations? and in Winter time sitting with
a particular Lady upon a fine French bed by dim Candle
light, having such sweet Conversation after sighing, groaning, Pp2v 148146
groaning, professing and protesting with Lovers tears,
and all for Loves Epilogue, which she longs for as
much as you, though she makes it nice with tricks of
Loves dissembling; and will you lose all these fine sports
for catching birds in the Country, or killing a timerous
Hare.

Under.

For all you Court-delights, I’le have none,
for in one day in the Country, live more harmless joys,
then in years at Court, which heap up Alps of trouble.

Tom.

Well, it is your Worships pleasure to go into
the Country, and be Melancholy, conversing with
Beasts, Birds, and Trees, and to leave these Court-
pleasures for your rich Heir. Where what is left, he means to spend it,And in high Pleasure there will end it.
Wherefore, had not your Worship better take your
pleasure your self? for after a Prodigal, comes a good
Husband; for he is necessitated to it; and after a good
Husband a Prodigal; for he is obliged to it; like the
Weather, after fair comes foul, and after foul, fair:
Wherefore, I beseech your Worship for the good of
your Family, spend most you have, and you shall have
Pleasure to boot.

Under.

No Sir, I am resolved of my Course.

Tom.

The more is the pity, that good Counsel
will not be taken, when it is so prudently given; but
Gentlemen will run on to their ruin, I see it, the gods
help them! for they will never be advised nor counselled;selled, Qq1r 149147
but I beseech your Worship here upon my
Knees, that you will be pleased to spend most of your
Estate for the good of your Posterity; alas Sir! when
you leave your Heir in the Golden wayes of Riches, in
the vast Seas of good Fortune up to the Chin, lest he
should be drown’d in the deluge of Happiness; alas!
Sir, he will strive to swim, and then look you here,
swimming he throws your Gold on that side, and on this
side, with his hands and arms, and kicks your Gold with
his legs, thighs, and feet, on that side and on this side,
and all to save himself from drowning in this whirlpool
of Prosperity; wherefore, I beseech your Worship
to leave as little as you can; for the good of your
House.

Under.

You are a Fooll, Children are but excuses
for Covetousness; for it is still for ones own sake, that
Men do every thing as the heat of humour and passion
leads them; for I have known more covetous old Batchellors
and childish Men, then any that have been
Married, and had many Children; and let my Heir
spend it in God’s Name, for he cannot take more pleasure
in spending of it, then I in getting of it; and therefore
you Puppy, let us go.

Exit Monsieur Underward, Tom Solus.

Tom.

My Master leads me, for now I am his Puppy;
but if my Master were blind, I would lead him, and be
his Dog.

Qq Scene Qq1v 150148

Scene XXVIII.

Enter Monsieur Underward, his two Brothers, and
two Sisters.

Monsieur Underward.

Brothers and Sisters, I sent for you, to invite you
to my Wedding-feast, and also to come home
and live with me; and since Heaven hath sent me a rich
Wife, I will justly perform my Fathers will, and give
those Portions he did allot for you.

Impoverished.

Brother, as Heaven hath given you a
rich and beautiful Wife, so Heaven hath given me a
rich and gallant Man to my Husband, for I am Married
to Monsienur Lover, my Lady’s Brother.

2 Brothers.

And we will go a Wooing, and try if
Fortune will give us rich Wives.

Younger Sist.

I have neither Heaven, nor Fortune to
my Friend; for Fortune did place me ill, and caused
my honest industry and faithful service to be rewarded
with sharp words, and cruel blows; Heaven hath forsaken
Innocency, and left it to suffer disgrace.

She Weeps.

Under.

Be patient Sister, I will either recover your
Honour, or destroy your Enemy, or die my self.

Enter Monsieur Jealousie, the younger Sister’s
Servant.

Jealous.

O Mistress, forgive me, and take me into
your favour again, or I die.

Young Qq2r 151149

Young. Sist.

I can forgive you, but never love you
more.

Jealous.

Marry me, and then try to love afterwards.

Young. Sist.

I shall not dare to Marry a Man that
shall, or can have any suspition of me, unless my actions
prove me false and wicked.

Jealous.

Dear Sisterir, speak for me, I confess my fault,
repent, ask pardon; and promise never to do so again.

Under.

What say you, Brothers, may we in honour
perswade approximately 3 wordsobscured our Sister to Marry this Gentleman,
and receive him into our Family?

Jealous.

Gentlemen, the greatest Sins repented of,
Heaven pardons.

2 Brothers.

Brother, this Gentleman is nobly born,
honourably bred, hath a great Estate, and is a proper
Man.

Under.

Well, I perceive, Brothers, you are for him;
Sir, I will try all the power of an Elder Brother, to perswade
her not only to Marry you, but to love you,
which I am very confident she will, being vertuous and
good natur’d, and will love you as well, if not better
then ever she did.

Exeunt.
Scene Qq2v 152150

Scene XXIX.

Enter Monsieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes
his Man.
Written by my Lord Duke.

Tom Diogenes.

Ibeseech your Worship to give me leave once more
to advise you from the Country; alass Sir, will you
change your Organ for a Ba-pipe, your Harpsichord,
for a Cymba; your Viol, for a Country Fiddle, or a
Welsh Croud; a grave Irish Harp, with the Harper
that sees what he doth, for a blind Harper with Cats-guts
that whirles in the nose, as if it had the Pox; or a Spanish
Gythar
, to play a Saraband a la mode; with Knacking
Castagnetas for a Country Gythar, that sounds like a
Tub; and your rare Italian songs with Trilloes for
Lancelot du Lake, a Carole, or a Wassel-bowl Song, with
some edifying Ballets; and will you change your Corrants,
Sarabands and Bralles, for Scotch Jiggs, Hornpipes
and Rounds? look before you leap, I beseech your
Worship.

Under.

It is all in vain, good Tom; for I am resolved
your twinkling device shall not stay me.

Tom.

But pray hear an old Servant; will you change
a Spanish Olia, for boil’d Beef and Cabbage? a French
Bisk for Brewis and Beef-broth for buttered Eggs with
hot Pepper upon them? and all the Dainties of Sea or
Pond-Fish, for a Dace or a Gougeon in the Country, and Rr1r 153151
and all Curiosity of Dressing so Metamorphosed as
you shall not know what you eat? and for fruit, change
your Musmelons for a Pompion? your most curious
Sallads for Onions and Garlick? all your choice Fruits
for Crabs? and all your Confectionaries for starcht
Carrowaies, or purging Comfits, because you buy them
of Country Apothecaries? I beseech your Worship
have some mercy of your self, and leave not the delicious
Wines, and the sweet juice of Grapes for strong
Darby-Ale, fah! how it smells of the Malt, for they
put no Water to it, nothing but squeezed Malt, Sir,
which inflames the Country Noses.

Under.

Tom, I do not tast your advice by no means,
no not at all.

Tom.

Sir, I must be bold still to put you in mind
not to leave the Court: Will you change your sweet
Spanish Gloves, for Dogs Leather-Gloves in the Country,
that smell of the dressing? your Spanish Perfumes
for choaking Juniper? your Jessamin and Orange-
Flowers, for a Posie of Dock-leaves, Daysies and
Thime; and your sweet Pomander, for an Orange stuck
with Cloves, for a Token to your Dairy-Maid? sweet
Powder, for the dust of a Country High-way, to put
you in mind of your Mortality, dust to dust? Good
Sir, think of it, be kind to your self.

Under.

Tom, I smell out your advice to be none of
the best Counsel.

Rr Tom. Rr1v 154152

Tom.

One word more, I beseech your Worship:
Will you change your fine Damask Linnen for Country
Huswives Cloth, to rub off your Worships fine
skin? it may pleasure those that have the Itch: Or will
you leave touching the smooth Billiard-balls, to handle
Nettles? or the Cold or Chrystal balls, for Fus-balls
in the Country? and to leave the glorious apparel’d
Lady for a Wastcoatier in the Country? the Ladies
silk-Stockins, for Woollen-Stockins in the Country?
rich Garters and Roses, for Garters of List of Cloth?
rich laced Shoos for wet-Leather-Shoos tyed with
points? imbroider’d rich Satin Petticoats for Stamel-
Petticoats, perfumed too much with the natural Titillation?
either this will stay your Worship, or nothing;
if this take not I am in dispair.

Under.

Good Tom, it doth not touch upon me at
all; but prithee since thou art such a Clown, what
makes thee love the Court so?

Tom.

Troth, I’le tell you Sir; I am as it were given
a little to idleness; wherefore, I find it the fittest place
for me in the World, Sir; besides, Sir, with his Majesties
loyal Subjects, and false Officers below Stairs, I can
be drunk when I will at his Majesties charge, of the best
Wine; and being provident, and having the disease
of good fellowship upon me, being a poor Man, it
would undo me, Sir, and eat me out of House and
Home; but Providence is above all things, it distinguishes
betwixt the wise Men, and the Fools.

Under. Rr2r 155153

Under.

Come, Tom, there is something else in it, that
makes thee so earnest.

Tom.

No indeed, Sir, nothing to speak of.

Under.

But there is, and therefore tell me.

Tom.

Truly then, (under the Rose) the Mother of
the Maids sends me often about her most serious and
important Business, and casts such a loving eye at me;
saying, Sweet Tom, I do so trouble thee, but as thou
loves me, fetch me a quart of Milk, or so, to make a
Posset; and giving me such a loving Nip with her
hand, saying, Sweet Tom, go: Now your Worship
knows not what this may come to, I being a lazie fellow
and pritty handsom, and she a virtuous Lady, we may
commit Matrimony, who knows? and with her Motherly
care, and my Fatherly duty, we may do your
Worship a pleasure, one way or another.

Under.

You flatter your self, Tom.

Tom.

No Sir, she flatters me.

Under.

I thought there was another deadly Sin in it.

Tom.

Truly, Sir, I find myself very Gentleman-like
of late, so as I mean to have the other five deadly
Sins.

Under.

You are a Fool, Tom.

Tom.

O sweet Mother!

The Rr2v

The Actors Names in the Presence.

Two Gentlemen..

Monsieur

Conversant,

Observant,

Mode,

Spend-all,

Courtiers.

Princessand her Governess.

Madamoisel

Wagtail,

Self-conceit,

Wanton.

Quick-wit,

Bashful,

Gentlewomen.

The Mother of the Maids.

Fool.

Monsieur Wedlock.

The Sayler.

A Jayler.

The Interlocutors Names in the Scenes join’d to the Presence

Monsieur Buyer.

Monsieur Seller.

Monsieur Underward, and Diogenes his Man.

Monsieur Underward’s Brothers and Sisters.

Two Gentlemen..

Madam Civility.

The Lord Loyalty, a Courtier.

Madam

Ill-favourd,

Spightful,

Controversie,

Ill-natur’d.

Court-Ladies.

Madam Impoverish’ed,

Monsieur Underwards eldest Sister

A younger Sister of his, and Monsieur Jealousie her Servant.

Monsieur Lover, Servant to Madam Impoverished.

Madam Petitioner, and a Gentleman-Usher.

Two Old Court-Ladies.