1 B1r 1

The Preſence.

A Comedy.

Act I. Scene I.

As an Introduction to the Play.

Enter Two Gentlemen

First Gentleman.

Tom, How do you like the New Plays?

2 Gent.

As I like an Old Wife, Not well.

1 Gent.

If the judgment of the Stage ſhould hear you, they would condemn you.

2 Gent.

Faith, that Condemnation would be a Commendation to me, and a reproach to themſelves; for thoſe that cannot judge of Wit, cannot judge of Me.

B 1 Gent. 2 B1v 2

1 Gent.

Cannot they judg of Wit, ſay you?

2 Gent.

No; for thoſe that underſtand not Wit, cannot judge of Wit.

1 Gent.

Do they not underſtand Wit?

2 Gent.

No, for if they did, they would not applaud Plays, that have neither Humour, Wit, nor Satyr; which are thoſe they name New Plays, made up of Old Romances.

1 Gent.

But New Plays have Plots, Deſigns, Cataſtrophes and Intrigues.

2 Gent.

What are thoſe?

1 Gent.

Thoſe are to expreſs Policy, Ingenuity and Art; beſides, they deſcribe Love, Juſtice, Honour, and the like.

2 Gent.

Why, Seneca doth expreſs Moral Virtues, and Machiavillian Policy, better and more properly then Dramatick Poetry; and the Spectators will learn more in one day, by reading their Works, or ſuch like Authors, then by ſeeing forty Plays, and leſs Charge. Beſides, it doth leſſen the eſteem of ſuch grave Learning, neither is it more proper for Plays then the Scripture is.

1 Gent.

But the Scripture was Acted in the old time.

2 Gent.

Truly, and I have heard they were fooliſh Plays, although made out of the Sacred Scripture; and that there was a Superſcription of one Play ſet upon a Poſt, which was thus, Here is a Play to be ſeen of King Saul, with the merry Conceits of David and Go liahliah; 3 B2r 3 liah; which certainly was profane. But a Stage is not an Univerſity, Grammar-School, or Church; for by ſuch actions or deſcriptions, it would rather abuſe Religion, and corrupt Learning, then advance them; for though the Stage may be very beneficial to young perſons to learn good Behaviour, Diſcourſe and Wit, yet not to learn Morality and Divinity; and as for Policy, all Men are naturally apt to be Diſſemblers, they ſhall not need to be inſtructed; alſo, concerning the deſcription of fooliſh Romancical Love, it doth but corrupt the minds and thoughts of Men and Women, which cauſes not only fooliſh and unhappy Marriages, but wicked Adulteries.

1 Gent.

But pray tell me what you mean by that you name Satyr? whether you do not mean railing?

2 Gent.

No, for railing is to ſpeak ill of particular perſons; but Satyr is to reprove general Vices.

1 Gent.

And what do you mean by Wit and Humour?

2 Gent.

By Wit I mean ſimilizing, and diſtinguiſhing of Words and Things; by Humour I mean the Behaviours, Diſpoſitions and Practices of Mankind; all which good Comedies will inform Youth better, then far and dangerous Travels; but as for Morality and Policy, as I ſaid before, they are more proper for Schools and States, then for Stages.

1 Gent.

But Lovers Scenes are moſt pleaſing to the Spectators, and are the beſt part in a Play.

2 Gent. 4 B2v 4

2 Gent.

In my opinion the Lover’s part is the worſt part; but as for ſuch Love-making as is in the New Plays, it would give me as good a vomit to ſee it, as Crocus Mettallorum ſteept in wine, or the like, and ſwallow’d down my throat.

Scene II.

Enter as in the Preſence, Monſ. Converſant, Monſ. Obſerver, and Monſ. Mode.

Converſant.

Good Morrow Gentlemen; Monſ. Mode, did not you attend the Emperor to Chappel to day?

Mode.

No, but I am going to attend him from the Chappel.

Conv.

It had been better you had attended him into the Chappel for your own ſake, for there you might have ſaid your Prayers, which, it is probable, you Courtiers ſeldom do.

Mode.

Faith, we Courtiers have little time to pray; for what with Dreſſing, Trimming, Waiting, Uſhering, Watching, Courting, and the like, all our time is ſpent.

Obſ.

It ſeems Courtiers are ſo much concern’d with their bodies, as they regard not their Souls.

Mode.

Pleaſure lives with the Body, and we Courtiers live with Pleaſure; as for the Soul it is not well known what it is; but let it be what it will, or can be, or is, 5 C1r 5 is, yet it belongs more to another World, then to this; which other World we Courtiers care not for, nor think thereof; we only deſire to be happy in this World, for we are well content to quit the Happineſs of the next World for the pleaſure of this preſent World.

Conv.

But yet when Courtiers come to die, they will wiſh they had thought more of the next World, and leſs of this.

Mode.

Faith, we Courtiers never think of Death, until Death think of us; and when Death remembers us ſo, as to take us out of this World, we believe we ſhall only die and turn to duſt, and be no more; we are only troubled and grieved that our Masking delights are at an end, and that our light of life, and delights of Pleaſures muſt be put out by Death’s Exſtinguiſher; the truth is, with Court-Gallants, Court- Officers, and State-Magiſtrates, it is according to the old obſervation, which is, They live without Conſcience, and die without fear.

Obſ.

I did believe that Courtiers had been ſo vain, that they could not be ſo valiant, as to die without fear.

Mode.

There are many ſorts of Valours, or rather I may ſay, Courages; for though moſt Courtiers have not Valour to fight Duels, or in Battels; yet they have courage to run in debt, not fearing Impriſonment, and they have courage to Court Miſtreſſes, not fearing the Pox; alſo, they have courage to flatter, cozen, diſſemble,C ſemble, 6 C1v 6 ſemble, profeſs, proteſt, and then betray, not fearing diſhonour.

Conv.

Will not Courtiers fight, ſay you?

Mode.

No faith, if they can chuſe to avoid it; for we Courtiers are Men for life, and not for death; for though we are Men of Action, yet not Warring Actions.

Conv.

In what are Courtiers active?

Mode.

In Dancing, Racing, Tennis-playing, Carding, Dicing, and the like; for ſhould a Soldier become a Courtier, he would become a Coward in a ſhort time; for the Pleaſures of the Court do abate the Courage of War.

Conv.

I believe you, becauſe you are a Courtier, and know a Courtier beſt; but I fear you will not appear a diligent Attendant, if you go not to the Chappel to wait upon the Emperour.

Mode.

You ſay true, wherefore farwell.

Conv.

But before you go, pray inform us of the cauſe that makes the Princeſs ſo Melancholy?

Mode.

That which makes moſt Women Melancholy, to wit, Amorous Love.

Obſ.

’Tis ſaid, that it is a pleaſing pain; but is the Princeſs in Love?

Mode.

Yes.

Conv.

With whom?

Mode.

With no body.

Conv.

Can ſhe be in Love with no body?

Mode. 7 C2r 7

Mode.

Yes faith, rather then Women, will not be in love, they will love no body.

Conv.

That is impoſſible.

Mode.

It is not impoſſible, if an Idea be no body; and ’tis ſaid, Thoughts are Ideas.

Obſ.

I ſuppoſe that no Women are in love with their own Thoughts, for if they were, they would think more, and ſpeak leſs; wherefore, you are miſtaken; for Women are in love with their own Words.

Mode.

If they be, their love is placed ſtill upon no body; for the old opinion is, That Words are bodileſs: But the Princeſs is in love with an Idea ſhe met with in a Dream in the Region of her Brain; and unleſs ſhe may enjoy this Idea, not only awake, but imbodied, ſhe cannot be at reſt in her mind!

Conv.

If this be true, it is a ſtrange Love!

Mode.

It is as true as ſtrange, and as ſtrange as true; and all the Ladies in the Court are become Dreaming- Lovers to imitate the Princeſs.

Obſ.

All the Ladies, ſay you?

Mode.

Yes faith, All, both Maids, Widows and Wives.

Conv.

As for Wives, it is fit they ſhould never have other Lovers, both for their Husbands and their own ſake; for then their Love and Lovers cannot poſſibly be known, if they can but keep their own Counſels.

Mode.

But they cannot keep their own Counſels, for if they could, they would never have divulged their Amorous Dreams.

Exit Mode. Enter 8 C2v 8 Enter Spend-all to Converſant and Obſerver.

Conv.

Monſieur Spend-all, I wiſh you joy of your Preferment, for I hear you have a place beſtow’d upon you, agreeable and proper for your Paſtime and Profeſſion; for you being a great Gameſter, are made CGroom-Porter.

Spend.

No faith, but I am not; for Keep-all, the old miſerable Uſerer, is made Groom-Porter.

Conv.

Why, that is very well; for he may put out his Money to uſe amongſt the Gameſters, and have Am’s ace for his Intereſt; but if he be made Groom-Porter, you ſhall be Lord Treaſurer.

Spend.

No faith, I would have but one Office, if I might have my choice.

Obſ.

What Office is that?

Spend.

Maſter of the Mint.

Obſ.

That will not do you much good, unleſs you were Maſter of the Coyn; but if you were Maſter of the Coyn, you would play all away at Cards and Dice, Tennis, and ſuch like Games.

Spend.

If I did, I ſhould do but as moſt Gentlemen do, that have Eſtates, which ſpend their Money for their pleaſure, and I take Pleaſure in Gaming.

Conv.

But not to loſe.

Spend.

I had rather loſe, then not play.

Obſ.

I did believe that Gameſters play’d more out of covetouſneſs, then for pleaſure.

Spend.

You miſtake; for Gameſters are more in love with 9 D1r 9 with Cards, Dice, and Rackets, then Lovers are with Women.

Conv.

And I believe Gameſters fear Fortune more then Lovers do the Spiritual Court, the Pariſh- Conſtable, or the City-Watch.

Spend.

Faith, Fortune is like moſt Magiſtrates, or great Officers, who will cruelly puniſh ſome, and partially favour others; and all her actions are without Reason and Juſtice.

Obſ.

But you cannot bribe Fortune.

Spend.

No, and in that reſpect Lovers have the better of Gameſters.

Conv.

But Gameſters are for the moſt part Lovers.

Spend.

Faith, no; for a Gameſter cannot ſpare ſo much time, as to kiſs a Miſtreſs; but fare you well, for I muſt go to the Porters Lodge.

Conv.

But tell me truly, before you go, whether Keep-all the Uſurer is made Groom-Porter?

Spend.

The truth is, I did but jeſt; for he is not Groom-Porter, but the Knave of Clubs is made Groom-Porter.

Conv.

If it be ſo, then that place is properly ſerved, for the Knave of Clubs is a fit perſon for that Office.

Exeunt Men. D Scene. 10 D1v 10

Scene III.

Enter the Princeſs and her Governeſs.

Princeſs.

Which of the Gods and Goddeſſes ſhall I pray to aſſiſt me, ſince my beloved is Spiritual, and not Mortal, at leaſt not Temporal; but yet he is not Cœleſtial; for ſurely an Idea is not a god, although it be not a bodily Creature?

Govern.

But Souls may meet and converſe, and enjoy each other.

Prin.

How meet?

Govern.

In the Mind.

Prin.

But that’s no ſatisfaction to Humane kind.

Govern.

I know not whether Satisfaction doth, but ſurely Tranquility lives in the Mind; and the god of Dreams hath preſented the Idea, which ſurely is the Soul of ſome Noble and Meritorious Lover, as a reward to your Vertue.

Prin.

How fooliſhly you talk! as if the gods were Lover’s Mediators: But if they ſhould humble themſelves in ſuch Amorous Imployments, and did preſent this Idea, then I ſhould enjoy it every time I ſleep; but alaſs, I never did perceive it but once, and then like as a Heavenly Viſion, no ſooner perceived, but vaniſhed away.

Govern. 11 D2r 11

Govern.

But can you love ſo much upon ſo ſmall an acquaintance?

Prin.

I am of Marlow’s opinion, Who ever lov’d, that loves not at firſt ſight!

But this Idea is fixed in my heart,

And whilſt I live will never thence depart:

But I will make Apelles my dear Saint,

And he ſhall both my Love and Paſſion paint.

Apelles, draw this Paſſion in my Heart,

And make the Picture of my Love by Art:

For thou the firſt was he that did invent

To Figure Paſſions, and them to preſent

To object’s ſence; and if ſo, then I

May my Idea by my eyes deſcrie;

For all Ideas they, as spirits prove,

They are not Subſtance, but in Subſtance move.

Scene IV.

Enter Mode to Obſerver and Spend-all.

Obſerver.

Are the Ladies coming into the Preſence?

Mode,.

No, they all keep their beds to enjoy their Lovers ſo, as they ſleep to dream, and dream to be embraced.

Obſ.

They ſhall not need to do that, for they may be embraced awake.

Mode. 12 D2v 12

Mode.

O fie! that is an old out-worn faſhion, and is more proper for old Ladies, then young.

Obſ.

Sure you miſtake; for Dreams are more proper for old Ladies, and waking-embraces for young.

Mode.

Nay, then you miſtake, for young Ladies love Amorous Contemplations, otherwiſe they would not delight ſo much in Romances as they do; but old Ladies who have more experience, and ſo are wiſer, love the fruition of Realities; which makes them love young Men, not in Dreams or Romances, but in Courts and Cities.

Spend.

If ſo, then young Men may deſpair of young Women, and old Women not be jealous of young Women; and if I were ſure of that, I would preſently clap up a Match with an old doting Lady that I am acquainted withal, who is as rich as old.

Mode.

You had beſt make haſt for fear you ſhould have Rivals; for if all young Men deſpair, the old Women will be ſo Wooed, that the multiplicity and choice will make them as nice, coy and proud, as the moſt prime young Beauties.

Spend.

You ſay true, wherefore I will be beforehand, and go to her before ſhe hears of this dreaming-faſhion.

Conv.

But how if this faſhion ſhould ſoon change to a quite oppoſite?

Spend.

Yes, there is the danger; therefore I will not go.

Enter. 13 E1r 13 Enter the young Princeſs Melancholy, and ſome Ladies, whereof one rubs her eyes, the other gapes, the third stretches her ſelf; all paſſing over the Stage.

Obſ.

Lord bleſs us! what a drowſie faſhion the Ladies have got?

Conv.

But to my view, they were not ſo drowſie but they did leer upon us.

Mode.

That was to view if any of us was the Man they dream’d of.

Obſ.

O Lord! if it be thy will, let me be the Man the Princeſs dreams of.

Spend.

And I deſire I might be the Man they all did dream of; which if ſo, the Grand Signior would not be better ſerved, then I ſhould; nor more numerouſly, for I ſhould have all the young Women in the Kingdom.

Mode.

If you had, you could not Marry them all.

Spend.

No, but I could Manage them all.

Mode.

They would rather Manage you.

Spend.

I ſhould be well pleas’d to be Managed by a young Lady.

Mode.

But not by ſo many young Ladies as are in the Kingdom.

Obſ.

If he were, he would be Managed ſo, as to be a lame Jade.

Exeunt. E Scene. 14 E1v 14

Scene V.

Enter Lady Quick-wit, and Self-conceit..

Quick-wit.

Self-conceit, the new Maids are come that are to be our Chamber-fellows.

Self.

Where, where are they? for God’s ſake, tell me quickly, I long to ſee them, but are they handſome?

Quick.

No, by my troth; for one of them is ſo baſhful, that what Beauty Nature hath given here, is ſpoiled for want of breeding; the other is none of Nature’s choiceſt Pieces.

Self.

But what are they?

Quick.

They are gone by the back-ſtaires, to the Princeſs.

Self.

The Princeſs keeps her Chamber to day.

Quick.

Yes, but ſhe has permitted them into her Preſence.

Enter all the Gentlemen.

Self.

Gallants, are the new Maids come from the Princeſs?

Mode.

No, we come to ſee them; for it is ſaid, they are very handſome.

Self.

I have heard by two or three, That they are not handſome.

Quick.

They are coming, they are coming.

Enter the Mother, and the Lady Baſhful. Moth. 15 E2r 15

Moth.

Where is the Princeſs, Gentlemen, to give the Oath to this young Lady? All the Gentlemen come to Salute her.

Obſ.

Mother, will you give me leave to Salute your Daughter?

Moth.

Should I not give you leave, you would take leave.

He Salutes the young Maid.

Obſ.

Lady, you will add to the Splendour of the Court.

Conv.

Lady, you will advance the Glory of your Sex.

He Salutes Her.

Mode.

Mother, you are one of the fortunateſt Mothers that ever came to the Court; for here was never ſuch a company of Beauties at one time, as is at this time.

Moth.

Come, come, you are all Flatterers; wherefore my Daughter beware of them.

Self.

Mother, your new-come Daughter is baſhful.

Quick.

You muſt perſwade her to hold up her head.

Self.

What eyes has ſhe, black or gray?

Moth.

Well, well, pray have patience; for by that time ſhe has been in the Court ſo long as either of you, has been, ſhe will be as confident as any in the Court.

Quick.

But Mother where is your other new Dauughter?

Moth.

She is coming forth; and by my faith ſhe is a metled Laſs indeed. But come Daughter Baſhful, we muſt go ſeek the Gentleman that muſt give you your Oath.

Exit Mother, and Lady Baſhful. Quick. 16 E2v 16

Quick.

Lord! how ſimply ſhe looks!

Mode.

Give me a ſimple Girl; I love to teach, not to learn.

Self.

What a dull eye ſhe has!

Conv.

A Melancholy eye, for variety, ſometimes pleaſes beſt.

Self.

She has an unfortunate brow.

Obſ.

Her brows ſeem like a bow, that’s ready bent to ſhoot Love’s glances forth.

Quick.

She hangs down her head as if ſhe were working of Croſs-ſtitch.

Spend.

She looks as if ſhe would be as conſtant as Penelope was.

Enter the other new Maid, the Lady Wagtail.

Wagt.

Where is the the Mother, is ſhe always ſo confident of her Daughters, as to leave them to themſelves?

Mode.

I marry Sir, this Lady ſeems to have mettal.

Conv.

She ſeems of a free Spirit.

Obſ.

A Lady of an excellent Preſence.

Spend.

There is life in her Countenance.

Wagt.

Pray, Gentlemen, which way went the Mother?

All the Gentlemen run out to ſeek the Mother, then return back and ſpeak to Her.

Lady.

The Mother will come preſently.

Wagt.

Pray, Gentlemen, excuſe me for troubling you; I ſhould not have been ſo rude, but that I am ignorant of the wayes in Court, but I ſhall be induſtrious to learn them, and then I ſhall be ready to ſerve you.

Gent. 17 F1r 17

Gent.

We are all your Vaſſals, Lady.

Lady Wagtail addreſſes her ſelf to Self-conceit and Quick-wit.

Wagt.

Ladies, I ſhall be glad to have the honour of your Friendſhip, and to be endeared to ſuch honourable Siſters.

Self.

We ſhall be ready to ſerve you.

Enter Mrs. Wanton, one of the Maids of Honour, as running into the Room.

Want.

Where is my Comrade? where is my Comrade?

Wagtail and Wanton meet, Embrace and Kiſs each other.

Want.

Dear Wagtail, thou art according to my heart.

Wagt.

My dear Wanton, I make no doubt, but ſhall agree very well.

Want.

I was ſo joy’d, when I heard you were allotted to be my Chamber-fellow, for I was ſo afraid of that clod of dull Earth, the new come fellow; for it is reported that ſhe makes Conditions not to be with ſuch a Chamber-fellow that ſits up late, or hath much Company.

Wagt.

The Princeſs ſays, ſhe must be in the Chamber of Mrs. Quick-wit.

Quick.

She ſhall not lie with me, let her lie in the Chamber of Mrs. Self-conceit.

Self.

With me? By my troth, that ſhall not be, for ſhall I that have been here this dozen years, have the rubbiſh thrown into my Chamber.

Want.

Why, then ſhe muſt lie with the old Mother, there is no other place.

F Quick. 18 F1v 18

Quick.

Why, the old Mother ſits up as late with the old Signiors of the Court, as any of her Daughters do with the young Monſieurs.

Exeunt Ladies.

Obſ.

I hope if there be no room for the young Lady amongſt Women, ſhe will be forced to come to us Men for a Lodging.

Mode.

Faith, we ſhall quarrel as much, who ſhall have her, as the Women do, to caſt her out of their Company.

Spend.

I am of the Ladies mind, I would not willingly have her; for ſhe appears with ſuch a divine Purity, as if ſhe would be apt to convert me from my Debauchery, and trouble my Conſcience with Repentance.

Exeunt.

Scene VI.

Enter Quick-wit, and Wagtail.

Quick-wit.

Lady, I hear you have an admiring Servant.

Wagt.

For God’s ſake Lady Quick-wit, tell me who it is?

Quick.

You know who it is.

Wagt.

Nay, prithee tell me; in faith I know not who it is.

Quick.

You diſſemble in making your ſelf ignorant.

Wagt.

In truth I do not know; wherefore prithee tell me, for I long to know who it is.

Quick. 19 F2r 19

Quick.

I hope your Servant has not put you into a longing humour?

Wagt.

No, but you have, and therefore tell me.

Quick.

’Tis reported, Monſieur Ape is your admiring Servant.

Wagt.

Truly Monſieur Ape is a very fine Perſon.

Quick.

Indeed he wears fine Clothes.

Wagt.

The truth is, he is a neat ſpruce Courtier.

Quick.

He ought to be ſo, ſpending moſt of his time in dreſſing and trimming himſelf.

Wagt.

He is a very Civil Man to our Sex.

Quick.

He is ſo, if it be a Civility to kiſs the Ladies Busks, Fans, Gloves, and the tails of the Gowns.

Wagt.

He is a well-bred Gentleman.

Quick.

Yes, if good breeding lies in the Heels, for he dances well.

Wagt.

He is an exact Courtier.

Quick.

’Tis true, for he Flatters and Complements.

Wagt.

He is a great Scholar.

Quick.

He is well read in Faſhions, and ſtudies new Modes.

Wagt.

He hath and Elegant ſpeech.

Quick.

And ſpeaks in Romancical ſtile.

Wagt.

And he has a ready Wit.

Quick.

To imitate Extravagancies.

Wagt.

He is a Valiant Man.

Quick.

To take fooliſh Women Priſoners.

Wagt.

He is a Politick Man.

Quick. 20 F2v 20

Quick.

He is ſo, in pretending to have more power with the Emperor then he hath; by which means he gets Clients to Fee him, and ſimple ignorant Men to Bribe him, for which Fees and Bribes, they have fair words and large promiſes, but not any performances.

Wagt.

I perceive Monſieur Ape is not your admiring Servant, you ſpeak ſo ſpitefully of him.

Quick.

It ſeems I am not his admirer, I ſpeak ſo truly of him.

Wagt.

I muſt not hear any evil againſt my Servant Monſieur Ape.

Quick.

Then you muſt not hear him mentioned.

Enter Lady Self-conceit, with her Portrait.

Self.

Quick-wit, I have been ſeeking you to ſhew you my Portrait.

Quick.

What Painter drew it?

Self.

A Painter did not draw it, but a Poetical Lord did write it.

Quick.

So I perceive a Portrait is a Mode-Phraſe for a Character, or a Deſcription; and a Portrait, Character and Deſcription of Particulars, ſignifies one and the ſame thing.

Self.

Yes, but Characters and Deſcriptions have been ſo often uſed, writ and named, that the Readers are ſo weary’d with thoſe old faſhioned names, as it keeps them all from reading the matter or ſubject of ſuch Writings.

Quick.

So, then the word Portrait is to invite the Readers to read it.

Self. 21 G1r 21

Self.

No doubt of that, and well, if the word Portrait will perſwade them to read it; but ſhall I read my Portrait to you?

Quick.

Yes, I deſire to hear a Portrait, for though I have ſeen many Portraits, yet I have never heard them ſpeak.

Lady Self-conceit reads her Portrait.

Self.

Your Curls of Hair like Clouds, yet black as night;

Your Eyes as Stars do give a Sparkling light;

Your Forehead like the Heavens milky way;

Your Noſe a hill of Snow in Valley lay;

Your lips like Roſie-morn when th’ Sun doth riſe,

Shine on your Chin, as bright as he i’th’ skies;

From whence the Beams dilated on your breaſt,

Do make a Torrid Zone ’tween Eaſt and Weſt;

And thoſe that do this Heav’nly Picture view,

Muſt needs confeſs ’twas only made for you.

Quick.

Faith, this is like the Painter that drew a Roſe for a Woodcock.

Self.

What, do you call me a Woodcock?

Quick.

Why? a Woodcock is a fine Bird, and good Meat; but why did this Portrait-maker draw or deſcribe you no farther then the breaſt?

Self.

By reaſon many Perſons Pictures are drawn no farther.

Quick.

It was a ſhrewd ſign, he could ſimilize no farther.

Self.

He could not go beyond the Heavens.

G Quick. 22 G1v 22

Quick.

In my opinion he has gone too great a Journey in going ſo far; for I believe it has made his Poetical feet, which I perceive to be diſeaſed with the Gout, too weary; for he has travel’d through the Ecliptick line; but if he have croſt the line, I think he muſt have gone from South to North, a very cold Climate.

Self.

I perceive you are ſpiteful at my Portrait, becauſe you have not one made of you.

Quick.

Can you blame me if I be ſpiteful to ſee you Metamorphoſed from a Terreſtrial Body, to a Cœleſtial Portrait.

Enter Obſerver and Converſant.

Obſ.

Ladies, how doth the Princeſs?

Quick.

The Princeſs is very Melancholy, and it is fear’d ſhe will fall into a Conſumption.

Self.

But the Emperor to prevent it, will ſend for all the Gentry and Nobility in the Empire to preſent themſelves to the Princeſs, and whomſoever ſhe likes, ſhe ſhall have.

Conv.

But how if her Idea ſhould prove a Married Man?

Quick.

The truth is, it diſturbs the Thoughts of Married Wives; for thoſe that love their Husbands, are afraid, and thoſe that care not for their Husbands hope; but all the Men are well pleaſed in hope of being Emperor, for you know the Princeſs is Heir to the Crown.

Enter Mode.

Mode.

Lady, how doth the Princeſs?

Quick. 23 G2r 23

Quick.

She is as all Lovers are, Melancholy.

Mode.

Are all Lovers Melancholy?

Quick.

Yes, when they cannot enjoy their Beloved; and her Beloved is but a ſhadow, which the more it is follow’d, the farther it flies; wherefore ſhe is Melancholy, as being deſpiſed.

Self-conceit ſighs.

Quick.

What makes you ſigh?

Self.

Faith, becauſe I am not a Princeſs, to have my choice of all the Men in the Empire.

Quick.

I would not be a Princeſs upon that condition, for I ſhould be as much troubled to chuſe, as to refuſe.

Self.

That is a ſign you love Men well.

Quick.

Why ſay you ſo?

Self.

Becauſe you expreſs your trouble, that you ſhould deſire more then one, and be loth to deny any.

Enter a Fool.

Fool.

Oh Ladies, Oh the ſtrange ſights that I have ſeen! the monſtrous ſtrange ſights that I have ſeen!

Quick.

What monſtrous ſights have you ſeen?

Fool.

Why, I have ſeen ſtrange Monſters!

Quick.

What Monſters?

Fool.

I ſaw Men with ſtrange Heads, and as ſtrange Bodies; for they had the ſpeech of Men, and the upright ſhape of Men, and yet were partly like as other Creatures; for one Man had an Aſſes head, and his body was like a Gooſe; another Man had a Jack-a- napes- 24 G2v 24 napes-head, but all his body was like a Baboon, and he ſhew’d tricks, as Jack-a-napes and Baboons uſe to do; another Man had a Swines head, and all his body was like a Goat; Another had a head like a Stag, with a large pair of branched Horns, and all his body was featur’d like a Woodcock, and his arms were feather’d as a Woodcocks wings, but he could not fly from his diſgrace, for his Horned head did hinder the flight of his Wings; Then I ſaw a Woman that was not like a Mare-Maid, for Mare-Maids are like Women from the head to the waſte, and from the waſte like a Fiſh; but this Woman was like a Fiſh from the head to the waſte, and from the waſte like a Beaſt; ſo that ſhe was a Batons rompus; Another Woman had the eyes of a Crocodile, but her body was like a changeable Cameleon; and many other Monſtrous Creatures did I ſee.

Self.

Where did you ſee thoſe Monſters?

Fool.

Where they are to be ſeen.

Self.

Where is that?

Fool.

In Dreams, when I was aſleep.

Quick.

It ſeems you have a Fool’s head that dreams ſuch fantaſtical Dreams.

Fool.

The wiſeſt and graveſt heads that are, do dream ſuch Dreams; for a Philoſpher’s head hath butter-flies Dreams; and a Politician, although he has a Foxes head when he is awake, yet he has but an Aſſe’s head when he ſleeps.

Quick. 25 H1r 25

Quick.

You are a Knave awake, and a Fool aſleep.

Fool.

Then I am a wiſe Man.

Quick.

Is a Knave a wiſe Man?

Fool.

According to the fooliſhneſs of the World he is; for if the World of Mankind, which is the moſt part, were not Fools, Knaves could not cozen them; and thoſe are wiſer that deceive, then thoſe that are deceived; at leaſt, they are accounted ſo by thoſe Fools they have deceived.

Self.

You ſpeak like an Aſs.

Fool.

If I ſpeak like Balaam’s Aſs, I ſpeak wiſely; but truly Ladies I had a pleaſant Dream.

Quick.

What Dream was that?

Fool.

I dream’d that all the Princeſs Maids of Honour did dance about me, and after that they did all kiſs me, which was very pleaſant to me; for though they danced like Apes, they kiſſed like Courtiſans.

Quick.

Out, you Rogue, do you ſay we kiſs like Courtiſans.

Fool.

Why all Women kiſs alike, ask the Gentlemen.

Exit Fool.

Self.

Come Quick-wit, let us go and ſee how the Princeſs doth.

Obſ.

The Ladies are much concerned for the Princeſs Sickneſs.

Mode.

I believe they are all troubled with that Diſeaſe, although they are more crafty to conceal it.

Conv.

The Emperor is very ſtrict to the Princeſs, ſo H that 26 H1v 26 that he will not ſuffer any Man to come near her but Mimick the fool; and he is only ſuffered to divert her Melancholy.

Obſ.

He is more a Knave then a Fool; wherefore he might more ſafely have truſted the wiſeſt Man in the Kingdom.

Scene VII.

The Princeſs lies upon a Couch as ſick, and her eyes ſhut. Soft Muſick is heard, and a Song sung.

You God of Sleep ſend Dreams for to reſtore

The Princeſs mind to be as ’twas before;

Or elſe you other Gods that dwell above,

Cauſe her to dream of a Seraphick Love:

Let not her Mortal Soul ſo cloud the Light

Of her Immortal Soul that ſhines ſo bright.

Caſt out the vain Idea from her brain,

That nothing of that Figure may remain.

After this, the Fool standing at the Door, ſings a part of an Old Ballet; as follows.

This long ſeven years and more, have I ſtill lov’d thee,

Do then my joy reſtore, fair Lady pity me,

Pity my grievous pains long ſuffer’d for thy ſake,

Which will not let me reſt, for no reſt can I take:

Fair 27 H2r 27

Fair Lady pity me, do not my Suit deny,

O yield me ſome relief that ſhall for ſorrow die.

How can I pity thee, the Lady then repli’d,

I am no Match for thee, thy Suit muſt be deny’d;

I am of Royal blood, thou of a mean degree,

It ſtands not for my Good that I ſhould Marry thee:

This Anſwer oft I had, which ſtruck my heart full deep,

And on my bed full ſoft did I lie down and weep.

Singing the last Verſe, the Fool enters, and the Princeſs awakes.

Prin.

How dare you diſturb me with your Foolery?

Fool.

Fools never diſturb, for we are made for Laughter, not for anger.

Prin.

Carry away the Fool to the Porter’s Lodge, and let him be ſoundly whipt.

Fool.

No, carry the Princeſs to the Emperors Chamber, and let her there be whipt, for ſhe is more Fool then I; for ſhe is in love with a Dream, and I am in love with a Princeſs; the truth is, I have a great deſire to be an Emperor, and you had better love a Fool then a Shadow.

Prin.

In truth I will tell the Emperor my Father.

Fool.

I faith, that will not help you; for he is wiſe, and knows I am the fitteſt Match for you; for he knows that when two Fools Marry, they make but one Fool; and he will chuſe rather to have but one Fool then two; and when we are Married we ſhall make one grand Fool, and that will amount, and be as much as indifferently wiſe.

Prin. 28 H2v 28

Prin.

I will have your Tongue cut out of your Head.

Fool.

You will as ſoon cut off my Head; but let me tell you, You ſhall not; nay by’r Lady, you muſt not be in this humour, the Emperor commands it, as alſo that you ſhall come to him.

Exeunt Omnes.

Act II. Scene I.

Enter Spend-all in a fine Suit of Clothes, meeting Converſant.

Converſant.

Jupiter bleſs us! how fine and brave you are, in a rich Suit of Clothes; is this your Wedding day?

Spend.

No, this day is not my Wedding day; but this Suit is my Wooing-Suit, for I am going to Woo an old Lady, who is very Rich.

Conv.

Is ſhe Wiſe?

Spend.

I hope not, for if ſhe were, ſhe would never grant my Suit; but if ſhe be a Fool, as I hope ſhe is, then Youth and Bravery will win her.

Conv.

And the more ſprightly, lively, and fantaſtical you appear, the better the old Lady will like you.

Spend.

I believe you; but I doubt that the ſight of the old Lady will put me into ſo dull and Melancholy a humour, as I ſhall not pleaſe her.

Conv.

Imagine her a young Beauty.

Spend. 29 I1r 29

Spend.

I cannot imagine her a young Beauty, when I ſee her; for Imagination works only upon abſent Objects.

Conv.

Then think her your Reverend Grand-Dame.

Spend.

That will make me think of death, ſhe being dead.

Conv.

Nay faith, ſhe will rather make you think of a Reſurrection.

Spend.

Can I think an old wrinkled Woman, a glorified body?

Conv.

I forgot the Glory, I only thought of Life; but however, you may think her a Saint.

Spend.

That I cannot; if ſhe marry me, a young, vain, deboiſt Man, which is, a Sinner.

Conv.

Imagine ſhe Marries you to convert you from Evil to Good.

Spend.

Nay faith, ſhe would ſooner pervert me, were I good, to evil; but were ſhe a wiſe, reverend, virtuous aged Woman, I could love her better then a wanton young Filly; alſo, I ſhould be ruled and govern’d by her experienced advice and counſel; but thoſe ancient Women that are ſo, will not Marry a wild, vain young Man.

Conv.

There is not any thing that can rule, adviſe, or govern you, but Time.

Spend.

Why, an ancient Woman is Time; for though she be not old Father Time, yet ſhe is old Mother Time.

I Conv. 30 I1v 30

Conv.

Well, go to the old Lady, woo her, win her, and Marry her; for if you will wink, or ſhut your eyes, ſhe will be as pleaſing as a young Wife.

Spend.

Would you have me a blind Wooer, and a blind Husband?

Conv.

It would be happy for ſome Husbands if they were blind, that they might not ſee their own diſgrace; for many a Husband ſees his Neighbour in bed with his Wife; and it would be great wiſdom in old Women, if they would, or muſt of neceſſity, Marry a young Man, to Marry a blind young Man, that he might not ſee her decays, ruines and wrinkles.

Spend.

Well, I will go and try if I can perſwade this old Lady to Marry me.

Conv.

Do ſo, for it may become a faſhion for young Men to Marry old Women.

Enter Lady Baſhful, Spend-all addreſſes himſelf to her.

Spend.

Lady, I was a while ſince in the Privy Chamber, where my eyes did ſearch for you, but they could not ſingle you out from the reſt of the Ladies.

Baſh.

It ſeems that either you were blind, or that I had not any Beauty.

Spend.

The Ladies in Court, when they ſtand cloſe together, are like the Heaven’s milky way; for the number of Stars appears like a thick white ſtream, ſo as no particular Star can be diſcerned.

Baſh.

I had rather be a Meteor ſingly alone, then a Star in a Crowd.

Exit. Enter 31 I2r 31 Enter Lady Quick-wit.

Spend.

Lady, will you give me leave to be your admiring Servant?

Quick.

The truth is, we Ladies in Court have ſo many Courting-Servants, that we know not how to govern them.

Spend.

I ſhall be govern’d eaſily; for I will watch your looks with admiration, liſten to your words with great attention, ſtudy your thoughts with ſerious Contemplation, and obey all your Commands with pious devotion.

Quick.

Admiration dazles the ſight, ſight ſtops the hearing, hearing hinders the thinking, and action is an enemy to ſtudy.

Spend.

You have ſo much Wit, Lady, that your Wit is able to govern the whole World.

Quick.

Wit can eaſier make a World, then govern a World; for Wit is a better architect then Governor; in truth Wit cannot rule it ſelf; for Wit is ruled by Judgment; and thus by miſpraiſing Wit, you have done Judgment wrong.

Exit Quick-wit.

Spend.

Faith, I am an unfortunate Man in Courtſhips.

Conv.

That is, becauſe you Complement with the Ladies, that love to have Men talk to them rudely.

Spend.

Well, I will try my own way of Courtſhip once more, if I can converſe with any of them again.

Conv. 32 I2v 32

Conv.

Then you ſhall never win their favours.

Enter Lady Self-conceit.

Spend.

Lady, you are finer dreſt then any Lady in the Court.

Self.

’Tis a ſign I want Beauty, that I am forced to uſe the art of dreſſing; and you the flattery of Commendations, ſeeing I had not Beauty worthy of a true praiſe.

Spend.

The Court is the Sphere of Beauty, Lady.

Self.

And Men are Beauties Gazers.

Spend.

Men are Love’s Aſtronomers, Lady.

Self.

And what new Star-like Beauty have you found out?

Spend.

You, Lady.

Exit Self-conceit without Anſwering.

Spend.

Oh happy Man that I am, for I am a Conqueror.

Conv.

Of what are you a Conqueror, of Wit?

Spend.

No of Love; for ſilence gives conſent.

Conv.

But you did not woo her to love.

Spend.

Not woo her! prithee what have I been ſpeaking of all this while?

Conv.

Why, you have been Complementing.

Spend.

’Tis true, and Complements are Lovers Wooings.

Conv.

But you forget the old Lady; you were going to woo before you ſaw theſe young Ladies.

Spend.

Hang Old Ladies, give me a Young Lady.

Conv. 33 K1r 33

Conv.

But conſider, the old Lady is rich.

Spend.

’Tis true, and I want wealth; wherefore I’le go a wooing to the old Lady, and leave my heart with the young Ladies; but now I think better of it; I will not go, for I believe you ſtay here to watch a time, to get one of theſe young Beauties alone.

Conv.

No, no, I will ſtay here to be an Agent in love, for you.

Spend.

I deſire no ſuch Agent as you; for you are a subtile, ſlie Gentleman, you will take your time and opportunity; beſides, you have Lands and Money, which will winn a young Lady ſooner, then fine Clothes and Complements will do.

Conv.

Prithee be not jealous, for young Ladies are not ſo wiſe as to love prudently.

Spend.

What a Pox ſhould you dwell in this Room, if it were not for ſome ſuch deſign?

Conv.

I ſtay here to obſerve Humours, hear Wit, and to ſee Beauties.

Spend.

And not to make Love?

Conv.

No.

Spend.

If it be ſo, then, prithee, praiſe me to the young Ladies.

Conv.

I will, I will.

Spend.

Do not forget any of my good parts.

Conv.

I cannot forget them; for I do not remember any you have.

Exit Spend-all. K Enter 34 K1v 34 Enter Obſerver.

Conv.

Obſerver, I wonder you will be abſent out of this Room, in regard you only come to obſerve the Court beauties and Court-wits.

Obſerv.

Faith, I became tired and wearied of the obſervations in this Room, the Preſence; and ſo I went into the Privy-Chamber to obſerve the Emperor.

Conv.

And how did he appear?

Obſerv.

He did appear in Majeſty, as far beyond his Royalty, as his Royalty appears above his meaneſt Subjects.

Conv.

Then he appear’d as a God.

Obſerv.

Indeed he appear’d above what is mortal.

Conv.

And did you hear him ſpeak?

Obſerv.

Yes; and he was in ſo witty a vein, that my Hearing was (as if it were) tyed to his ſpeech, and my Mind ſo fill’d with delight, that I had not power to ſtir from the place I ſtood, but both my body and mind were (as ’twere) fixt to a Deitical Centre.

Conv.

I perceive, that you, inſtead of an Obſerver, are become a Courtier; and now you have learn’d to flatter.

Obſ.

Not ſo, for by Heav’n I ſpeak the truth of my thoughts and belief; for though I do not believe the Emperor to be a God, yet God and Nature have made, and endued him, to be above all other Men; for name me any other Prince or private Man in this age, that has that ſweet Nature, excellent Qualities, experienced Know- 35 K2r 35 Knowledg, clear Underſtanding, upright Juſtice, Heroick Courage, free Generoſity, and divine Clemency as he has; and if you match him in all the known World, proclaim me a Fool and a Lyar, which is to be a Flatterer, a Vice I hate.

Conv.

I confeſs, there are two Reaſons that perſwade me to be of your mind; the firſt is, That I have obſerved the ſame in the Emperor; the ſecond is, That I did never know you to flatter, diſſemble, or ſpeak falſe in my life; for you are ſo infinitely proud, that you will not deſcend ſo low as to flatter, or be ſo humble in praiſes, were it to God himſelf.

Obſ.

God is too Omnipotent for Praiſe, and our Emperor too Heroick and truly Royal for Flattery; ſo that the one is not a ſubject for praiſe, nor the other for Flattery.

Scene II.

Enter Lady Quick-wit, Self-conceit, Wanton and Wagtail.

Self-conceit.

I Will tell you a Wonder.

Quick.

What Wonder?

Self.

Why, I found Mrs. Baſhful alone with a Man.

Quick.

Why, that’s no wonder to ſee a Man and a Wo- 36 K2v 36 Woman alone, eſpecially in the Court; for we watch all opportunities, upon every occaſion, to be ſo.

Self.

But ’tis a wonder to ſee Baſhful alone with a Man, and abroad too; for ſhe ſhuns Men, as ſhe would do Serpents, and locks her Chamber-doors againſt them, and accounts it a crime to be ſeen undreſs’d, and a ſin not to be forgiven, to be ſeen in bed.

Quick.

Why, ſhe was neither in bed, nor undreſt, I suppoſe.

Self.

No, ſhe was at Madam Civilities houſe, and ’tis to be hoped ſhe will come to it in time, when ſhe has ſo much wit, as to hold a Diſcourſe.

Want.

She hold a Diſcourſe! ſhe wants the Capacity, ſhe wants the Capacity.

Wagt.

Nay, you can give the beſt relation or deſcription of her; for you were her bed-fellow.

Self.

Prithee what is ſhe, a meer Mope; doth ſhe never ſpeak or diſcourſe to you?

Want.

You ſhall judge, whether ſhe doth or not; for ſhe will never ask a queſtion, nor make a doubt, nor give her opinion upon any thing.

Enter Baſhful.

Quick.

Come, poor Baſhful, there is none makes much of thee.

Baſh.

I ſhould be loth to be made much of, after the Court faſhion.

Wagt.

After the Court faſhion! How is that? expreſs it, expreſs it.

Baſh. 37 L1r 37

Baſh.

Nay, you can expreſs it beſt.

Quick.

Faith, I pity thee for having no Servant.

Baſh.

I had rather be pitied for having no Servant, then cenſured for having too many.

Self.

If you be a good Girl, and do as the reſt of your Honourable Siſters, or as all Court-Ladies do, I will ſend you ſome of my worn Servants to Court you.

Baſh.

No, pray keep them as a ſtore, leſt you ſhould want your ſelf.

Exit Baſhful.

Self.

Faith, ſhe is fitter for a Nunnery, then a Court.

Quick.

But I obſerve the Court has improved her Wit.

Want.

Nay, the Court is the only Place to make Fools, Wits.

Quick.

Or Wits, Fools.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Spend-all, and Converſant.

Converſant.

Monſieur Spend-all, how do you proſper in your old Lady’s affection?

Spend.

Faith, more proſperouſly then I deſire.

Conv.

Would not you willingly enjoy her.

Spend.

Yes her Wealth, but not her Perſon.

Conv.

You muſt take the worſe with the better; for L I 38 L1v 38 I have obſerved, that Fortune, Fate, Nature, and the Gods, mix Good and Evil, Pleaſure and Diſcontent, Health and Sickneſs together.

Spend.

I confeſs there is not any thing perfect, or pure in Nature; but God be praiſed in his Creatures, and all things.

Conv.

Then God be praiſed for the love of the old Lady to you.

Spend.

I have much ſtrife with my ſelf to give praiſes for her; but I deſire and ſhould give thanks to ſee ſome of the young Ladies, that I might converſe with them to revive me from death to life, from hate to love.

Enter Lady Quick-wit.

Spend.

Lady, you are the life of the Court.

Quick.

And the Court is the life of me, Sir.

Spend.

Your Eyes give light to all the beholders.

Quick.

I had rather my wit could give life to all the Hearers.

Spend.

But your Beauty doth excell all the Beauties in the Court.

Quick.

Until you converſe with another Lady, and then her Beauty doth as far excell mine, as mine at this preſent doth excell others.

Spend.

Indeed, Beauty appears beſt in Converſation.

Quick.

And worſe with often viewing.

Spend.

No more then the light of the Sun doth.

Quick.

The more the Sun is gaz’d upon, the blinder the ſight is.

Spend 39 L2r 39

Spend.

That is the reaſon the ſplendor of the Sun’s light doth over-power the ſight.

Quick.

Why, then the ſplendor puts out the ſight of his light, which buries his glory in the darkneſs of blindneſs; and if my Beauty doth the like, I am ſorry for it; for I would not have ſuch a Beauty as digs its own grave in the Eyes of its admirers; but as a moderate Light, ſo moderate a Beauty pleaſes the ſight beſt.

Exit Quick-wit. Enter Lady Self-conceit.

Spend.

Lady, there is not any Man doth more admire you, then I.

Self.

If I have Merit, you ought to give Merit its due; and if I am worthy of admiration, I am bound to the Gods and Nature for their favours, and not to you for your Praiſes.

Spend.

But all men do neither honour, nor admire what is worthy of either.

Self.

If they do not, the injury is to Nature and the Gods.

Exit Self-conceit.

Conv.

Faith, Spend-all, your Complements will not ſerve you in Love-matters.

Spend.

I confeſs they are not fortunate.

Enter Lady Baſhful.

Spend.

Madam, I wonder you ſhould hide any part of your Face with Black-patches, your Face being fair and lovely.

Baſhf.

Black-patches curiouſly cut and ſtuck upon the 40 L2v 40 the Face, are like wiſe Sentences in a Speech, they give Grace and Luſtre.

Enter Self-conceit.

Self.

Lady Baſhful, I have been ſeeking you all the Court over, in every Lodging, and I could not find you.

Baſhf.

You ſee, I am not loſt, for here I am; but where’s the Lady Quickwit?

Self.

She is within, and asks for you.

Enter Quickwit.

Quick.

O! it is ſo cold! ſo very cold, as it is able to freeze all the Lovers hearts in the Court and City!

Conv.

And not in the Country, Lady?

Quick.

O no, for thoſe that dwell in the Country, make ſuch great Blazing fires, as they thaw Cold, and heat Love.

Conv.

Love doth not require Heat, for it is ſufficiently hot of it ſelf.

Quick.

Yes, when it is in a Fever, in which Love moſt commonly dies: But come Ladies, ſhall we go to Supper?

Spend.

Converſant, tell Lady Quick-wit, I am in Love with her.

Conv.

Lady, Monſieur Spend-all ſayes, he is in Love with you.

Quick.

I hate to hear of Love by a Second, it ſeems ſo like a Challenge.

Exeunt all the Ladies.

Spend.

Faith, Court-Ladies have quick Wits.

Conv.

They are bred to anſwer, they are ſo often ſpoke 41 M1r 41 ſpoke to, but of all the Ladies, I confeſs, I like the Lady Quick-wit.

Spend.

Faith, I like them all ſo well, I know not which to like beſt; and I wiſh with all my heart, they all would like me as well as my old Lady doth; Oh, what a happy Man ſhould I be, for I ſhould have variety of Pleaſures!

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Wagtail, and Wanton.

Wanton.

The Lord of Loyalty ſent me a merry Letter to day; and in the Letter, a Copy of Verſes, deſiring me to give them to Madam Baſhful.

Wagt.

Faith, thoſe Verſes will make her ſo conceited with her ſelf, that ſhe will be ſo proud, as to think her ſelf the only ſhe in the Court; wherefore, let me adviſe you not to give them her.

Want.

But what ſhall I ſay to the Lord of Loyalty, if he ſhould ask me, whether I had given them to her.

Wagt.

Put it off with Rallery.

Enter the Mother, and Obſerver.

Want.

Mother, where is your Daughter Baſhful, ſhe is not here to attend the Princeſs coming forth?

M Moth 42 M1v 42

Moth.

She is gone abroad.

Wagt.

Yes, to meet the Lord Loyalty.

Want.

Indeed Mother, you are too blame, to let your Daughters go abroad without you; and if the Princeſs ſhould know of it, ſhe would be very angry.

Moth.

Why, ſhe ask’d the Princeſs leave.

Wagt.

It is a ſhame ſhe ſhould be abroad without the Mother; it is enough to diſgrace all the Siſter-hood; and therfore for Juno’s ſake, ſend for her home.

Obſerv.

Why Ladies, I have known the Princeſs’s Maids many times to go abroad without the Mother, and no diſgrace to their Honour.

Want.

But not to meet ſuch Company as ſhe is gone to, for all the Kingdom knows, the Lord of Loyalty is none of the chaſteſt men; and he courts her for her Youth and Beauty; ’tis not likely he will marry her; for he loves Variety too well, to tie himſelf to one.

Obſerv.

Truly I am of that opinion; but ſhe is ſo Vertuous, ſhe cannot be corrupted.

Enter Self-conceit.

Self.

Mother, the Princeſs is very angry that Madamoiſel Baſhful is gone abroad without you; ſhe ſays, that though she gave her leave to go abroad, ſhe thought ſhe had ſo much diſcretion as to take the Mother along with her; but you muſt ſend for her preſently.

Want.

Go, go, quickly Mother, quickly.

Wagt.

I will go for her.

Want.

Nay, I will go for her.

Self. 43 M2r 43

Self.

Nay, pray ſtay, and let the Mother go her ſelf.

Scene V.

Enter Obſerver, Converſant.

Converſant.

Monſieur Obſerver, I heard a Lady ſay, you were a Fool.

Obſ.

Ladies may ſay what they pleaſe.

Conv.

But it ſeems, you have not pleaſed her, that ſhe calls you Fool.

Obſ.

It ſeems I have not courted her.

Conv.

Are Ladies never pleas’d but when they are Courted?

Obſ.

No Faith; for then they think they are not thought Handſom.

Conv.

Indeed Women delight in their Beauties.

Obſ.

Not unleſs men admire their Beauties; for they are delighted with their Beauties, for the delight of Courtſhip; Beauty gets them Suiters; for were they ill-favoured, they would never be wooed.

Conv.

But when they are wooed, they are not preſently wonne.

Obſ.

Yes Faith, they are wonne before they be wooed; and being wooed, they preſently yield.

Conv.

The truth is, Women have kind natures.

Obſ. 44 M2v 44

Obſ.

Not ſo kind as willing.

Conv.

Women are Loving-creatures.

Obſ.

Yes, they are Self-lovers.

Conv.

Not when they give themſelves to men.

Obſ.

They give themſelves to men, becauſe men ſhould give themſelves to them.

Conv.

So they love men out of ſelf-intereſt.

Obſ.

No doubt of it.

Conv.

You are an unjuſt Man.

Obſ.

In what?

Conv.

In diſpraiſing all the Sex out of a diſpleaſure to one Woman, for calling you Fool.

Obſ.

I ſhould not only be call’d a fool, but ſhould prove my ſelf one, if I ſhould regard what Women ſay.

Enter Monſieur Wedlock. ; Spend-all

Conv.

Monſieur Wedlock, how doth your Lady?

Wedl.

She is groaning and complaining.

Conv.

What is ſhe in labour?

Wedl.

No, but ſhe is breeding.

Conv.

Monſieur Spend-all, I hear you are entring into the Matrimonial Order.

Spend.

Yes, Faith, I am going into the Order of Cuckolds, Wittals, or Fools.

Obſ.

Why, Marriage is an honourable. Order.

Spend.

The Order is as it proves; but if you think it ſo honourable, why will not you be one of this Matrimonial Order?

Obſ. 45 N1r 45

Obſ.

Becauſe I am not ambitious of ſuch Honours; but is the Lady you are to Marry very beautiful, Monſieur Spend-all?

Spend.

No, but ſhe is Rich.

Wedl.

Is ſhe of honourable birth?

Spend.

No, but ſhe is Rich.

Wedl.

Is ſhe well bred?

Spend.

No, but ſhe is Rich.

Wedl.

Is ſhe wiſe?

Spend.

No, but ſhe is Rich.

Wedl.

Do you Marry only for Riches?

Spend.

Yes; for Neceſſity forces me to Marry an ill- favoured, fooliſh, old doting Woman.

Wedl.

Much good may ſhe do you.

Spend.

Nay faith, ſhe will not do me any good, unleſs ſhe would die ſoon; but her Wealth will do me much good, and I ſhall prove an excellent Husband to her Riches.

Obſ.

You are ſo deboiſt and wild, that you cannot be a good Husband to any thing.

Spend.

But I ſhall; for when I am ſo rich, as to have wherewithal to ſpend, I ſhall then be ſo thrifty as to ſpare; for it is to be obſerved, That Rich Men for the moſt part are miſerable and covetous, when thoſe that have but little, ſpend all they have, or can get.

Obſ.

Pray bring me to viſit this old fooliſh Lady you are to Marry.

Spend.

You muſt pardon me; if ſhe were wiſe and N young, 46 N1v 46 young, I would let you ſee her; but being old and fooliſh, I dare not, leſt you ſhould entice her from me; for Old Women are more unconſtant then Young; and being fooliſh, ſhe will be ſo various, that her mind may change like the wind.

Obſ.

You may truſt me, were ſhe young, beautiful, chaſt, honourable, well-bred, witty and rich; for I will never Marry.

Spend.

Yes, if you could get a Wife, with all theſe Excellencies.

Obſ.

I would not Marry, could I get a Wife with all thoſe fore-mentioned Excellencies, as you call them; for were ſhe young, ſhe would want diſcretion, for want of Experience; were ſhe beautiful, ſhe would make me jealous, for Beauty is Courted; were ſhe honoured with title, ſhe would ſtrive to rule, and would not be ruled; were ſhe that which is named good breeding, which is to Fiddle, Dance, Sing, and ſpeak divers Languages, and to know the Female and Maſculine Genders in Languages, ſhe would Goſſip abroad, and ſeek out Company, and be at all Publick Meetings, to ſhew her breeding; if ſhe have Wit, ſhe will be always talking, and always suppoſing, to prove her Wit; if ſhe be chaſt, ſhe will be proud; if ſhe be fruitful, ſhe will be ſickly and froward; if ſhe be rich, ſhe will ſpend much, becauſe ſhe brought much, and in the end will make me poorer then I am; and on the other ſide, were ſhe old, I ſhould not imbrace her; were ſhe ill-favoured, I ſhould have an aver- 47 N2r 47 averſion againſt her; were ſhe of mean birth, and ill breeding, I ſhould be aſham’d of her; were ſhe a fool, I ſhould not regard her; were ſhe poor, I ſhould deſpise her; were ſhe falſe, I ſhould part from her.

Spend.

Well, Monſieur Obſerver, ſince you will neither Marry old, nor young, handſome, nor ill-favoured, chaſt nor wanton, mean nor honourable, fooliſh nor wiſe, poor nor rich, but are reſolved to live a Batchellor, I will bring you to be acquainted with my old Miſtreſs, that muſt be my old Wife, and Mr. Wedlock will bring you acquainted with his young Wife.

Wedl.

By my faith, but I will not.

Spend.

No, why?

Wedl.

Becauſe he doth not declare he will not make Courtſhips to Wives, though he declares he will not have a Wife; and unleſs he declare and profeſs, he will not make love to other Men’s Wives, I will not bring him acquainted with my Wife.

Spend.

Why, do you miſtruſt your Wife?

Wedl.

No, but I miſtruſt him, and were I ſure my Wife would not yield, yet I do not love ſhe ſhould be tempted: But howſoever, to keep a Wife ſafe, is, to keep her cloſe from Courtſhips, and from Maſculine Acquaintance.

Conv.

But Women will get liberty one way or other, if they have a wanton mind, and deſire change.

Wedl.

Yet it is the part of a wiſe Husband to do his endeavour to keep her honeſt.

Obſ. 48 N2v 48

Obſ.

Well, I will neither viſit Monſieur Spend-all’s old Miſtreſs, nor your young Wife; but I’le go with you to a merry Meeting, where I ſuppoſe, there will be thoſe Women that will better pleaſe me, then the old Woman, and eaſier be enjoyed then your young Wife; wherefore, if you will go, Gentlemen, I will preſent you a Supper.

Spend.

If you will preſent us with Miſtreſſes, we will go with you.

Obſ.

They will preſent themſelves.

Enter Monſieur Mode to the rest.

Spend.

Monſieur Mode, it is reported, that you have the art to Court two or three Miſtreſſes at one time; which if you have, I ſhall deſire to be your Scholar, for I could never be in the favour of two Miſtreſſes at one time; for the Courting of one loſt me the other, and thoſe I loſe, become my Enemies.

Mode.

He is a poor Man that hath but one Miſtreſs; and he is a fool in Courtſhip, that cannot Court half a dozen Miſtreſſes at one time.

Spend.

So, by this you call me a poor fool.

Mode.

If you were not a fool, you would not deſire to be my Scholar; and if you were not poor, you would not deſire more then you have.

Spend.

Then make me wiſer and richer.

Mode.

Would you be wiſer for profit, or wiſer for pleaſure.

Spend.

For pleaſure!

Mode. 49 O1r 49

Mode.

Would you be richer for Wealth, or richer for Honour, or richer in a number of Miſtreſſes?

Spend.

Richer in a number of Miſtreſſes.

Mode.

Then be bold, rude, and vain, talk much without ſenſe, ſwear much without cauſe, brag much without reaſon, accoutre your ſelf fantaſtically, behave your ſelf careleſly, and imploy time idly; and be ſure you raile of all Women generally, but praiſe every particular one, but ſo as in a general way, as ſome for one thing, and ſome for another, as you ſhall think beſt, by which you will keep them all in hopes; for if you ſhould praiſe only one, that one will be too proud, and then diſdain you, and the reſt through diſpair will hate you; alſo in your actions you muſt behave your ſelf generally, as in a careleſs way, dividing your Courtſhips amongſt them all, as to kiſs one Woman’s hand, another’s neck, a third Woman’s lips, embrace a fourth, rally with a fifth, and bed with the ſixth; and after this manner you may Court twenty Miſtreſſes at leaſt at one time, and ſerve your ſelf in private with them all one after another; for though you may Court many Miſtreſſes at one time in publick, yet in private you muſt have but one at a time, and ſhe will believe, or at leaſt make her ſelf believe, ſhe is the only ſhe that is beloved.

Spend.

I will follow your Inſtruction; and if I thrive, I will give you thanks.

Mode.

But if you be not ingenious, and well O practiſed 50 O1v 50 practiſed, my Inſtructions will do you but little good, for you may be like Players, that have excellent parts, and ſpoile them in the Acting; or like a Miniſter that chuſes a good Text, and wants Oratory to preach of it; or you may be like a bungling Taylor that ſpoiles a fine Suit of Clothes with ill making: But if you will thrive, you muſt be of many Profeſſions; and if you will be a Maſter of Courtſhip, you muſt be learned in the Liberal Arts and Sciences; you muſt be an Aſtrologer to foreſee your Times, and their Times; an Aſtronomer to find out their Humours; a Coſmographer to meaſure their Capacities; a Philoſopher, to pierce into their Natures and Diſpoſitions; a Logician, to make their Vanities and Vices appear Vertues; an Arithmetician, to number their Praiſes, and cipher their Follies; and a Mathematician to draw them to your deſires and delights.

Spend.

I ſhall do my beſt endeavour; but I fear that moſt Women are not worth ſo much pains, ſtudy, and practice.

Mode.

As for that, your idle Times muſt judg of it.

Spend.

Well, I will go to my Lodgings, and conſider it.

Mode.

Nay, faith Conſideration will ſpoile all my Inſtructions.

Exit Spend-all, the reſt ſtays. Enter Lady Wagtail, Wanton, Self-conceit, and Baſhful, as alſo the Mother

Self.

’Tis well you are come, I would not be in your condition for any thing.

Wagt. 51 O2r 51

Wagt.

I’faith, you will be talk’d withal.

Want.

If I were in ſo ſad a condition, I know what I know.

Baſh.

Why Ladies, I have neither deſerved Impriſonment, nor Death, which is the worſt that can come unto me; but if I be condemned, I ſhall ſuffer both with patience and with courage.

Self.

O Lord! ſhe ſpeaks freely.

Wagt.

She has found a Tongue ſince ſhe went.

Wagt.

’Tis well, if ſhe has loſt nothing, ſince ſhe went.

Self.

On my word you have done very ill, which you deſerve to be chid for.

Want.

I believe the Princeſs will turn you away.

Baſh.

I am very ſorry I have offended the Princeſs, but yet I have done nothing but what I had her leave for.

Enter Lady Quickwit.

Quick.

Mademoiſel Baſhful, you muſt come to the Princeſs.

Exeunt Baſhful, and Quickwit.

Obſ.

to the Moth.

Alas poor Mother we were all afraid you were kill’d.

Moth.

Kill’d, who ſhould kill me?

Obſ.

Why, a rough, rude Coachman.

Moth.

Which way ſhould he kill me?

Obſ.

With tumbling you over.

Moth.

How tumbling me over?

Obſ.

With your head downwards, and your heels upwards.

Enter 52 O2v 52 Enter Madamoiſel Quick-wit.

Self.

What News? what News? what doth Madamoiſel Baſhful confeſs?

Want.

What doth ſhe confeſs?

Quick.

Why, ſhe confeſſes, ſhe was at Madamoiſel Civilitie’s houſe, where ſhe met the Lord Loyalty.

Wagt.

And what ſaid the Princeſs then?

Quick.

Why the Princeſs chid her for offering to meet any Man without her leave; But ſhe has pardon’d her for this time, and you muſt go all to the back-ſtairs, and ſtay there to wait on the Princeſs into the Gallery.

Exeunt Women .

Mode.

I would the Ladies had as much love for me, as they are angry with their fellow-Lady.

Conv.

If they had, they would overpower you with their kindneſs.

Mode.

I would deſire nothing more but to be ſo overpower’d.

Enter Self-conceit in hast running over the Stage.

Self.

Run, run.

Enter Quick-wit, paſſing in haſt over the Stage.

Quick.

Follow, follow.

Enter Wanton.

Want.

Call, call, call.

Enter Mother.

Moth.

Bring, bring, bring.

The Men stand in a Maze. Enter 53 P1r 53 Enter Fool paſſing over the Stage.

Fool.

Oh the Lord! I am undone, undone.

The Men stop him.

Conv.

What is the matter, Fool?

Fool.

I cannot ſtay to tell you.

Obſ.

But you muſt.

Fool.

If I muſt, I muſt.

Conv.

Tell me what makes this Hubbub, which ſeems to diſtract the Ladies? is the Emperor not well, or the Princeſs ſick?

Fool.

The Emperor is well; but will have cauſe to be ſick; and the Princeſs is ſick, and will have cauſe to be well.

Mode.

How ſo?

Fool.

Becauſe the Princeſs has ſpi’d her Idea, and will marry him, and ſo will be cured of her Melancholy, and be well; but he is a poor Mariner or Sea-man, and that will make the Emperor ſick.

Enter the Ladies, and the Mariner paſſing over the Stage.

Fool.

Now you have ſeen the cauſe of the uproar, you will let me paſs with my fellow-fools.

Exit Fool.

Conv.

Sure the Princeſs will not Marry this poor fellow.

Obſ.

If ſhe doth, the Court will be Metamorphoſed from a houſe to a Ship, and the Courtiers to Mariners.

Mode.

Then we ſhall ſail to ſome new Plantation.

P Enter 54 P1v 54 Enter Lady Quick-wit, Self-conceit, Wanton.

Want.

As I live, he is a handſom Man.

Self.

But he is a poor mean fellow.

Want.

But a poor mean fellow may be a handſom Man.

Self.

Not in my opinion.

Quick.

Truly, I am of the opinion, that Wealth doth not make Worth.

Exeunt.

Act III. Scene I.

Enter the Sailer leading the Princess, who appears well pleaſed, with the Attendance of Ladies and Gentlemen, and the Fool.

Princeſs.

Sir, although the Emperor is at Council, and will not be ſeen at the preſent, yet I will entertain you until ſuch time as his Majeſty admits you to his Preſence.

The Sailer Kiſſes her Hand.

Fool.

They ſay, Lovers promiſe much; if ſo, you are a Lover, for you promiſe more then you dare perform.

Prin.

How ſo?

Fool.

You ſay, you will entertain the Sailer’s Company until the Emperor admits him to his Preſence, and if he doth not admit him until to morrow, you muſt entertain his Company all night.

Prin. 55 P2r 55

Prin.

You are a Knave, Fool.

Fool.

But I am not a Lady’s Fool.

Prin.

Come Gentlemen and Ladies, call for Muſick, for we will dance until the Emperor riſes from Council.

One calls for Muſick.

Prin.

Sir, can you dance our Country Dances.

Sail.

I will do my endeavour, Lady; and if I have not skill for the preſent, I will learn for the future, if you command me.

The Muſick plays, they all dance, and the Sailer with the Princeſs; the Sailer dances civilly, gracefully, and with art and skill.

Prin.

Sir, you want not Art, for you Dance skilfully.

Sail.

Lady, I want not Love, and Love works Miracles.

They Dance again: At the end of this Dance Enters a Gentleman.

Gent.

May it pleaſe your Highneſs, the Emperor deſires your Preſence.

The Princeſs whiſpers to the Sailer, he bows and kiſſes her Hand. Exeunt All. Scene 56 P2v 56

Scene II.

Enter all the Maids of Honour, except Madamoiſel Baſhful, and Self-conceit; as also Monſieur Converſant, Obſerver and Spend-all.

Wanton.

Othat we might dance Country Dances to day.

Wagt.

Why, Monſieur Spend-all makes a Ball to night, are not you one of the invited?

Want.

O yes, but I had forgot the Ball.

Quick.

Why, we are all invited.

Enter Self-conceit.

Self.

Do you hear the News?

Want.

What News?

Self.

Madamoiſel Baſhful and the Lord Loyalty are Married.

Wagt.

For certain truth do you ſpeak it?

Self.

Of a certain truth ’tis ſo.

Quick.

Why, the Lord Loyalty was accounted a Wiſe Man.

Obſ.

Why, Madam, he is never the leſs Wiſe for Marrying a virtuous ſweet Lady.

Quick.

What, not in theſe troubleſome and mutinous Times.

Obſ.

In all times there was and is Marrying, and giving in Marriage; and thoſe that are Honeſt are Wiſe, and it is Honeſt to Marry, and Wiſe; for if Men and Wo- 57 Q1r 57 Women ſhould live in common, it were the way to extinguiſh Propriety; and where there is no Propriety, there is no Juſtice; and without Juſtice a Commonwealth would be diſſolved.

Wagt.

Well, in my opinion he has done very indiſcreetly.

Want.

Nay, faith, methinks, he hath done very fooliſhly.

Self.

In my opinion, ſhe has done as fooliſhly as he, for he is a ruined man.

Conv.

Give me leave to tell you, Ladies, there is never a one of you all who would have refuſed him, as ruined as he is; but you would have been ambitious and proud to Marry him.

Wagt.

You are deceived; for I would not Marry him or any other, were he as rich as Pluto.

Want.

Nor I would not Marry, might I have a King.

Quick.

Nor I to have been an Empereſs.

Self.

Nor I if I might have been Miſtreſs of the whole World.

Spend.

Then I perceive, Ladies, you are all reſolved to live ſingle lives.

Wagt.

There is none happy, but thoſe that are Miſtreſſes of themſelves.

Quick.

I ſhould never endure to be ſubject to a Huſband.

Want.

I hate Marriage as I hate death.

Self.

I love Freedom, as I love Life.

Q Enter 58 Q1v 58 Enter Mother.

Quick.

Mother, do you hear of your Daughter’s Marriage?

Moth.

Yes, and the Princeſs is very angry at it.

Quick.

She hath reaſon.

Self.

If I were the Princeſs, I would make them repent their Marriage.

Wagt.

Yes faith, I would put water into their Wine.

Obſ.

Lord, Ladies, why ſhould the Princeſs be angry either with him, or with her, ſince Marriage is honeſt, and free for every one to chuſe where they pleaſe; neither do I ſee either in Reaſon or Juſtice, why either of them ſhould be condemned, ſince none will ſuffer, if they be unhappy, but themſelves; and I ſuppoſe that none here is ſo ill-natured as to repine at their Felicity.

Self.

Come, pray, let us go ſee how ſhe looks ſince ſhe is Married.

Want.

Proud, I’le warrant you.

Wagt.

I dare ſwear ſhe will carry ſtate now.

Self.

She was proud enough before ſhe was Married, ſhe cannot be much prouder then ſhe was.

Quick.

You ſay right, for what every body thought was baſhfulneſs and modeſty in her, was meerly pride.

Exeunt Ladies, the Men stay.

Obſ.

The Maids of Honour live ſo happily in the Court, and are ſo pleaſed with their ſeveral Courtſhips, as they hate to think of Marriage.

Mode.

That’s becauſe they cannot get Husbands; for Men 59 Q2r 59 Men are afraid to Marry Maids of Honour, becauſe they are ſo uſed to Courtſhips, that they will give leave to be Courted when they are Married; beſides, Men think them vain and expenſive.

Spend.

They ſpeak ſo bitterly againſt Marriage, and all that are Married, as I do verily believe they would not Marry upon any condition.

Mode.

I will try them whether they will or no, for my own ſatisfaction.

Obſ.

Which way will you try them? for if you ſhould examine them never ſo ſoberly, and gravely, they will never diſcover their minds ſo, that you ſhall know whether they would Marry or not.

Mode.

Faith, I will offer every one of them a Huſband, and try if they will accept of them.

Obſ.

O, they will laugh at you, and ſcorn you for your offer.

Mode.

Well, I will try them, let them ſcorn and laugh as they pleaſe.

Enter Monſieur Converſant.

Conv.

Monſieur Mode, I hear you intend to travel into Foreign Nations.

Mode.

You hear right, Sir; for I want only travel to make me a compleat Mode-Gallant; whereby, I ſhall be more graceful in the eyes of the Ladies.

Spend.

But if your Travels be long, you will be leſs graceful in the eyes of the Ladies, for you will be too old to pleaſe their ſight; but you want not Miſtreſſes, nor the art of Courtſhip.

Mode. 60 Q2v 60

Mode.

Faith, to tell you the truth, I would travel to ſee Foreign Beauties; for I am ſatisfied with the Ladies here in my Native Country.

Obſ.

I hope you have not taken a ſurfeit of them.

Spend.

Truly I ſhould be glad to have ſome of his Leavings.

Conv.

It is a ſign you are ſharp ſet.

Obſ.

The old Lady has whet his appetite.

Spend.

I confeſs old Women make wanton young Men.

Conv.

Let Monſieur Mode Court your old Lady to cure his ſurfeit.

Spend.

With all my heart, ſo he will bequeath me his young Miſtreſſes.

Mode.

I did inſtruct you how to Court and gain Ladies to your Imbracements; but either you are a dull Scholar, or an unfortunate Courtier.

Spend.

I confeſs my ill fortune in Courtſhips; but you may be as unfortunate in Foreign Nations; for though you are A la Mode here in your Native Country, ’tis likely you will be quite out of faſhion and language in other Nations.

Conv.

For Language, I dare ſay he will be to learn.

Obſ.

Then how will he Woo a Miſtreſs?

Mode.

O Women are beſt pleaſed with thoſe they underſtand leaſt.

Spend.

He knows the humours of Women beſt, he is ſo converſant with them; but prithee Mode do not travel until I have learn’d thy Art of Courtſhip.

Conv. 61 R1r 61

Conv.

Into what Countries will you travel, Monſieur Mode?

Mode.

Into France and Italy; the one to refine my Habit, the other to refreſh my ſight with new Beauties.

Obſ.

Then they muſt not be a ca-ſtCourtiſans; but let me perſwade you to ſtay at home, and Marry.

Mode.

No, I will not Marry, to loſe my freedom.

Spend.

Faith, and I intend to Marry to take more liberty.

Mode.

Marriage is a bondage.

Spend.

Not if you Marry a rich old Woman.

Conv.

No, for her Riches will ſupply his wants, and maintain his Miſtreſſes; and her age will be an excuſe for his Adulteries.

Mode.

Faith, Gentlemen, you ſpeak reaſon; wherefore, I’le go a Wooing to Monſieur Spend-all’s old rich Lady.

Spend.

You will not ſpeed there, for I am aforehand with you; for though you can Court young Women better then I, yet for old Women I go beyond you. But if you chance to Marry a young Woman, I ſhall willingly change a nights lodging with you.

Mode.

Are you Married to the old Lady?

Spend.

I muſt Marry her, which is my grief.

Mode.

Pray bid us to your Wedding.

Spend.

That I will, and feaſt you after I am Married, R for 62 R1v 62 for I ſhall not be jealous of my Wife, nor afraid you will make me a Cuckold; and I have a deſire to invite the young Female Courtiers.

Obſ.

That will make your old Lady jealous; and if ſhe be jealous, when you are juſt upon the point of Marriage, ſhe may chance to refuſe you; wherefore, do not invite them until the next day, when ſhe is paſt her choice.

Spend.

You ſay true, and the next day we will Revel.

Scene III.

Enter Self-conceit and Quick-wit.

Quick-wit.

The Emperor is highly diſcontent.

Self.

If he be diſpleaſed, he can only be angry with himſelf; for when the Princeſs was ſo Melancholy, that ſhe was ready to die, he did aſſure her, ſhe ſhould make her own choice of a Husband, and that he would not deny her any one Man in all his Empire.

Quick-wit.

But this Man is not of his Empire, for he is a ſtranger.

Self.

Faith, it would be but an even Match, whether ſhe did chuſe a poor mean Native, or a poor mean Stranger.

Exeunt. Scene 63 R2r 63

Scene IV.

Enter Princeſs and the Sailer; the Fool attends them; the Princeſs Weeps.

Sailer.

Why doth your Highneſs weep? for if the Emperor your Father be unjuſt, the Gods will not be ſo; for they will Crown our honeſt Loves with Happineſs and Bleſſings.

Prin.

But Lovers are never happy.

Sail.

Believe not ſo; for true Lovers are always bleſſed with good succeſs, and thoſe that have ill fortune have not been true Lovers.

Enter ſuch as are proper to deliver the Emperor’s pleasure, they ſpeak to the Sailer.

Sailer, The Emperor’s pleaſure is, That you immediately go out of his Dominions; for if you be found in any part within ſuch time as may be travel’d to the Sea-ſide the ſhorteſt way, he will cut off your Head.

Sail.

Tell the Emperor, I fear not death.

Men.

Will not you be gone.

Sail.

No, I will ſtay as long as I can.

Men.

But you ſhall go, ſince it is the Emperor’s pleaſure, That we ſee you out of his Empire.

Sail.

Be gone, and trouble me no more, or I’le beat you out of the Princeſs’s Lodgings.

Men. 64 R2v 64

Men.

You beat us, you poor Water-Snake!

Sail.

Cupid, thou god of Love, and Mars thou god of War, aſſiſt me.

He falls upon them, and beats them out of the Room; the Princeſs ſeems to be in a fright.

Sail.

A Company of Cowardly Raſcals, that have no more Courage then a Flea, that skips at every little motion.

Prin.

O my dear Love! what will you do?

Sail.

Die in your Arms, ſweet Miſtreſs.

Prin.

But you cannot reſiſt the Emperor’s Power.

Sail.

But I can die in deſpite of the Emperor’s Power.

Prin.

But your death will be my death.

Sail.

Say not ſo; for thoſe words will beget ſuch a belief, as to make me a Coward, which is more terrible to me then death; for in death lives Reſt, but in a Coward lives Infamy.

Prin.

But pray conſider, if you will yield to depart out of the Empire, I may find means to depart with you, or to follow you.

Sail.

Death is more Honourable then to fly from any misfortune; and though I love you better then my Soul, yet I had rather die then fly.

Prin.

But by your willing death, you will become a cruel murderer, not only to your ſelf, but me.

Sail.

Die you muſt, my dear Miſtreſs, ſo muſt I.

Prin.

Heaven grant that in one Grave we both may lie.

Fool. 65 S1r 65

Fool.

Shed no more tears, nor talk of Graves; for if you will be abſolutely be ruled by me, if I be not too hard for the Emperor, and all his Councels, hang me when you are Empereſs, which you muſt be; for the Power and Title comes from your Mother, not from your Father.

Prin.

Tell me how?

Fool.

Nay faith, a Fool muſt have ſome time for contrivance, as well as wiſe States-Men.

Exeunt.

Act IV. Scene I.

Enter Monſieur Mode and Madamoiſel Quick-wit.

Mode.

Lady, there is one of my Acquaintance, that deſires a Wife; but he may deſire long enough, for I think none will have him for a Husband.

Quick.

Why?

Mode.

Why! he is the moſt deformed Man that ever was ſeen.

Quick.

Well, if I were to chuſe a Husband, I would never chuſe a handſom Man; for their Beauty makes them ſo ſelf-conceited, that they regard not their Wives; beſides, they ſeem, and are for the moſt part, effeminate, which I hate; wherefore, for my part, I would chuſe an ill-favoured Man, and the more ill-favoured he were, the better I ſhould like him, as looking more Maſculine.

S Mode 66 S1v 66

Mode.

O! but that’s not all, Madam; for his Nature and Diſpoſition is according to his Perſon, the one as evil, as the other ill-favour’d.

Quick.

O Sir, ſuch a man I could love with all my heart; for a ſurly Nature ſeems Heroick; when as ſuch men as have ſweet Diſpoſitions, and gentle Natures, which is to be ſoft and facil, are Fools; and I would not marry a Fool for any thing in the world.

Mode.

But Madam, let me tell you, He is none of the wiſeſt.

Quick.

Nay, Sir, miſtake me not; for I would not have him a very wiſe man, leſt he ſhould condemn me as a Fool; but an indifferent underſtanding I like beſt.

Mode.

Why, then this man would be a fit Husband for you.

Quick.

The fitteſt in the World; Good Monſieur Mode ſpeak for me, and I ſhall think my ſelf obliged to you.

Mode.

I ſhall motion you, Lady.

Exit Quick-wit. Enter Self-conceit.

Mode.

Madam, there is a Gentleman, an Acquaintance of mine, which intreated me to ask you, whether you would pleaſe to accept of him for a Husband, if he ſhould offer himſelf to you; he is loth to have a perſonal denial, wherefore he would not make his addreſſes himſelf, unleſs he had an aſſurance you would entertain him.

Self. 67 S2r 67

Self.

Pray Sir, what manner of man is he?

Mode.

Faith Lady, I cannot much commend either his Perſon, or Parts, Humour, or Diſpoſition; but he has a Competent Fortune, not ſo much, as to maintain a Wife gallantly, but decently.

Self.

Why, that’s as much as I deſire; more would be but an unneceſſary ſuperfluity; as for Perſon, I regard not the outward Shape; and for his Humour and Diſpoſition, I ſhall alter thoſe when we are married; and truly Sir, I think my ſelf much obliged to you, for mentioning the man unto me.

Mode.

Your Servant Lady.

Self.

Yours, Monſieur Mode.

Exit Self-conceit. Enter Wanton.

Mode.

Lady, I am tyred with the importunity of a Gentleman, that will not let me reſt in quiet, until I have inform’d you of his Affections to you, and for you.

Want.

Who is he?

Mode.

Nay, he muſt be unknown, until he know whether you will accept of him; but in truth, my Conſcience bids me perſwade you againſt him; indeed I would not have mention’d him, but that he will not let me reſt, till I have told you his deſires.

Want.

What manner of Man is he? and what Eſtate has he? and of what Qualitiy is he?

Mode.

He is a Gentleman, and as for his Perſon, to ſpeak 68 S2v 68 ſpeak truth, he is a very Handſom man, as any is, but he is not worth a Denier, a very Shark for his living.

Want.

I marry Sir, give me a Man that lives by his wits; for every Fool can tell how to live, if he be rich; beſides, I had rather enjoy Beauty, then Wealth, with a Husband.

Mode.

O, but that’s not all, Madam; for he is a very deboiſt Man; he Drinks, and Whores, and Games.

Want.

Marriage will reclaim him.

Mode.

But he has got ſuch a Habit of Debauchery, that ’tis to be fear’d, he will never be reclaimed.

Want.

The truth of it is, I would chuſe a deboiſt Man for a Husband ſooner then a Temperate Man; for his ſeveral Debaucheries will be my several Paſtimes; beſides, I ſhall have his Company but ſometimes, which will make him appear to me freſh and new; whereas, a Stoical and Temperate Husband, will tire me out with his continual Company, being always at home, or elſe he would reſtrain me with his moral Diſcipline.

Mode.

But there is another reaſon, that may diſſwade you from him.

Want.

What’s that?

Mode.

Why, ’tis ſaid, he has the French Pox, and I believe you will not venture on that Diſease.

Want.

I am of ſo healthful a Conſtitution, I fear no Diſeaſe; beſides, he is not a Courtly nor well-bred Man, that has not a ſpice of that Diſeaſe; and the truth is, I ſhould account that Man uncivil, and not a Gentleman,man; 69 T1r 69 man, but a meer dull Clown that were free therof, and ſound there-from; for the compleateſt Gentlemen are ever under the Arreſt of that Diſeaſe; wherefore, Sir, to releaſe you of his importunity, tell him from me, I ſhall not refuſe him; but willingly accept of him.

Mode.

I ſhall Madam.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Wagtail, Self-conceit and Wanton.

Wagtail.

Lord! Self-conceit, I have not ſeen you never ſince the night before the laſt night!

Self.

You might have ſeen me if you had been ſo kind as to come to my Lodging, for I lay a bed all yeſterday, by reaſon I had a great many to come to Viſit me, and they were Men of Quality.

Wagt.

Faith, I could not come, by reaſon Monſieur Malicious was going over, to whom you know, I have intruſted all my affairs, ſo as I was diſpatching ſome buſineſs with him.

Self.

But I will never forgive my friend Wanton, that ſhe would not come with the Lords and Gentlemen to viſit me.

Wan.

Faith, I could not come; for my Chamber-fellow and I, both of us, did bath yeſterday, and there came in two or three Gentlemen whileſt we were in the Bath, T and 70 T1v 70 and ſtay’d talking ſo long with us that I have catch’d Cold.

Self.

Lord! did Madamoiſel Supple Bath again yeſterday! why ſhe bathed but the day before; for a Gentleman told me, that Madam Liberty was in the Bath, and when ſhe went out, then ſhe went into Madamoiſel Supple’s Bed to warm and dry her ſelf, and Mr. Amorous entertain’d her whilſt ſhe lay there, and Madamoiſel, Supple, as ſoon as Madamoiſel Liberty went out of the Bath, went into it; and by that time that Madamoiſel Liberty roſe out of the bed, Madamoiſel Supple was ready to enter into it, and then Mr. Break-jeſt did entertain her with pleaſant Diſcourſes.

Want.

Certainly, Bathing is very wholſome.

Self.

But let me tell you, Wanton, that often Bathing weakens very much.

Exeunt Wanton and Self-conceit. Wagtail Sola, Enter to her Mode.

Wagt.

Monſieur Mode, I have watch’d for an opportunity to ſpeak to you alone theſe two or three days.

Mode.

To me, ſweet Lady! what is it you would ſay?

Wagt.

’Tis this; I hear you are acquainted with a Man, who is very rich and unmarried, and ’tis reported he will marry a Wife of your chuſing; and Sir, I ſhall not be ungrateful, if you will chuſe me for his Wife.

Mode.

’Tis true, I am acquainted with ſuch a Man, who 71 T2r 71 who is very rich, but he is a very Fool; the truth is, the next degree to a Changeling.

Wagt.

I like that the better, for ſo I may govern him and his Eſtate.

Mode.

Nay, Lady, let me inform you, that though he be a Fool, yet he is a covetous and ſelf-conceited Fool, neither to be ruled nor wrought upon, nor yet to be perſwaded to any thing, but what he himſelf likes beſt.

Wagt.

However Sir, I ſhall gain a reſpect and eſteem in the World by the Reputation of his Wealth; wherefore, good Monſieur Mode, let me intreat you to prefer me to his good liking.

Mode.

I ſhall do my endeavour, Lady.

Exit Wagtail. Enter Obſerver to Mode.

Obſ.

The Sailer is gone to Priſon, and the Princeſs confin’d to her Chamber.

Mode.

I am ſorry for the Princeſs’s reſtraint.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Sailer as in a Priſon, Manicled with Chains

You Heav’nly Powers, do you her life ſecure

Though for her ſake I torment muſt endure.

Show’r 72 T2v 72

Show’r bleſſings on her Life, and let her Name

Be glorious to Poſterity and Fame:

But I profane, thou art a Deitie;

Wherefore my Prayers, I’le direct to thee:

Thou Goddeſs know’ſt, what torments I do feel,

My life is wrack’d upon ill-fortune’s wheel.

O! do not break my heart, thou Heav’nly Power,

For ’tis thy own Idea’s onely Tower;

For when I dye, where will thy Manſion be?

In every Heart and Head that thinks of thee:

Then let me die in peace, for thou wilt reign

In every Soul, as well as every Brain.

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Jaylor and Fool.

Fool.

Maſter. Jaylor?

Jayl.

What ſay you, Mr. Fool?

Fool.

Will you take a Fool’s Counſel?

Jayl.

No by my Faith.

Fool.

Then by my Faith, I’le prove you a Fool; for my Counſel is, To let the Sailer eſcape.

Jayl.

So I ſhall be hang’d my ſelf.

Fool.

That is uncertain; but if the Sailer ſuffers, you are ſure to be hang’d.

Jayl.

How ſo?

Fool.

Why you know the Princeſs muſt be Empereſs,reſs, 73 V1r 73 reſs, becauſe that Dignity comes by her Mother; and the Emperor is but Emperor during life, and ſo upon Courteſie; and when the Princeſs is Empereſs, ſhe will be ſure to hang you, and not only hang you, but ruine all your Poſterity.

Jayl.

Go, go, you talk like a Fool as you are! I will be an honeſt Jaylor, and not betray my Priſoners.

Fool.

Not betray your Priſoners, ſay you! conſider well, leſt you betray your ſelf.

Exit Fool, Jayler Solus.

Jayl.

This Fool has a notable Wit.

Exit.

Scene V.

Enter Wanton, Wagtail, Self-conceit, and Quick-wit.

Wanton.

When did you ſee Monſieur Mode?

Wagtail.

I have not ſeen him theſe two days.

Self.

Nor I.

Quick.

Nor I.

Want.

I fear he is ſick.

Wagtail.

I hope in God, not.

Self.

Pray Heav’n grant he be in health.

Quick.

Amen; for he is one of the civilleſt perſons I know.

Want.

Indeed he is an obliging perſon.

Wagtail.

He is a gallant Man.

V Self. 74 V1v 4774

Self.

The truth is, he has not his equal.

Enter Converſant.

Conv.

Ladies, what happy Man is he that you are praiſing.

Self.

Why, Monſieur Mode?

Wagt.

He is a Man that may be a Sample to all Men.

Quick.

There is none can parallel him.

Want.

He is worth more then praiſe can give him.

Conv.

He cannot chuſe but proſper in his Travels, when he is ſo highly praiſed by a Company of Beautiful Ladies.

Want.

In his Travels! why whither is he gone?

Conv.

Into Italy; and the Company he is gone with, went on ſuch a ſudden, as he had no time to come and kiſs your hands, and take his leave; but he has ſent me to make his excuſe, and beg his pardon, although he could not help it, unleſs he ſhould have loſt thoſe Conveniences he has by going in the Company of ſuch as can ſpeak the Language, which he cannot.

Quick.

Pray ſpeak no more of him, for it is no matter whither he is gone, ſince he has no more Civility.

Self.

Never was there ſuch an act done by a Gentleman, as to go not only out of the Town, but the Kingdom, and never take his leave of us.

Want.

Faith, he has ſhewn himſelf what he is, a Clown.

Wagt.

A meer Booby.

Self.

A Boor.

Quick. 75 V2r 75

Quick.

Indeed by his behaviour to us he ſeems not to be a Gentleman.

Want.

One might have eaſily judged what he was, if any would have taken the pains to conſider him.

Wagt.

I deſpise ſuch a man.

Self.

I hate ſuch a man.

Want.

I abhor him.

Conv.

Ladies, I perceive our Sex is very unhappy, for you will love and hate us in a minute, and praiſe and diſpraiſe us in one breath.

Ladies.

We have reaſon.

Enter Spend-all, Converſant, Obſerver, and the Ladies.

Spend.

Ladies I have ask’d the Princeſs leave, that you, Her Maids, ſhould honour me with your Preſence at my Marriage Feaſt.

Self.

Are you Married?

Spend.

Yes.

Quick.

What fair Lady, have you Married?

Spend.

Madam, my condition perſwaded me to chuſe a fair Fortune, rather then a fair Face; but what ſhe wants in Beauty, ſhe has in age, I ſhould have ſaid in Wealth.

Quick.

It is a ſign her Age is in your mind, more then her Wealth, that your tongue was ſo ready to ſpeak it.

Wagt.

But if your Lady be old, we that are young, ſhall hardly be welcom.

Enter Mode. Want. 76 V2v 76

Want.

Lord, Monſieur Mode, I thought you had been gone to Travel.

Mode.

No, that deſign is alter’d; for I intend now to ſtay, and marry a rich old Lady too.

Self.

If all the young Gallants marry old Women, What ſhall we young Women do for Husbands?

Mode.

It were great pity, and not to be ſuffred, that young Women ſhould marry whil’ſt their Beauty doth laſt, but they ſhould live unmarried, to be Miſtreſſes to command Men, and not made ſlaves to obey, as Wives are.

Quick.

The beſt for young Women, is to marry ancient Men, for ſo we ſhall be Vertuous Miſtreſſes to wiſe men in a married condition and life.

Conv.

But Lady, all the younger ſort of Men, are not ſo neceſſitated through their laviſh expences, to marry for Riches; for I am not ſo vain, nor poor, but I may marry for Beauty, and not any Beauty pleaſeth me ſo well as yours.

Quick.

I had rather be married for my Wit, then for my Beauty.

Conv.

That man is happy, Lady, that can have a Wife with both.

Self.

This is juſt according to the Old Saying, That one Wedding makes two.

Obſ.

And if you pleaſe Madam, theſe two Weddings ſhall be the cauſe of a third.

Self.

Let us ſee, how the married Couples agree firſt.

Mode. 77 X1r 77

Mode.

We will have no particular Wooing, but all ſhall be in common; otherwiſe, our meeting will be dull, and our mirth out of tune.

Want.

You ſay right, Monſieur Mode, for the fiddleſtring of Mirth will be broken; but let us go and rejoyce with Mr. Spend-all, and dance and feaſt, as a Thanksgiving to Fortune for her favours to him.

Spend.

The greateſt favour that Fortune can give me, is, to be honoured with you Company; and if you pleaſe to lead the way, the reſt will follow. Spend-all ſighs. Ha! theſe Marriages ſpoile all Amorous Courtſhips.

Exeunt Omnes, each leading his Miſtreſs.

Scene VI.

Enter Fool,and the Sailer as in a Priſon.

Fool.

Maſter Sailer, the Princeſs has ſent to know of you, whether you be dead?

Sail.

In her abſence I am dead to all Happineſs, for I have no joys of life.

Fool.

Then I ſhall tell her you are dead.

Sail.

You may tell her I am worſe then dead; for I am miſerable, wanting her Company, and miſery is worſe then death.

X Fool. 78 X1v 78

Fool.

Pray God I remember all this; viz. Abſence, Happineſs, Joys, Life, Dead, Miſerable, Miſery, and Death.

Exeunt

Scene VII.

Enter Princeſs alone, Muſing; Enter Fool to her.

Fool.

O Lady! Lady! the Sailer’s dead.

She falls into a paſſion as distracted, then ſpeaks.

Prin.

Make me a Ship to ſail up high to Heav’n,

Where I may ſwim through all the Planets Seven;

Not to find Gold or Silver, ſuch baſe droſs,

But my dear Love and Lover; which rich loſs

Is worth more then the World: Or, make a Boat,

That I may thorough the dark Stygian float

To the Elysium, there to meet my Dear,

Where I ſhall neither State nor Father fear:

Or elſe, you Gods, caſt me ſo low and deep,

Without a Dream I may for ever ſleep.

The Fool Laughs.

Fool.

Ha, ha, ha, Dreams, Ships and Water has been your ruine.

Prin.

You Villain, do you laugh at my miſery?

She gives him a Box of the Ear.

Fool.

O, do not beat me, your Sailer’s alive yet.

Prin.

Did not you tell me he was dead?

Fool.

Yes, but I did not tell you his Body is dead, but his Joys are dead.

Prin. 79 X2r 79

Prin.

Is he alive then?

Fool.

He is alive, but talks as madly, I dare not ſay, as fooliſhly as you do.

Exeunt.

Scene VIII.

A Scaffold and Block for one to be beheaded. Enter the Guard, Jaylor, and Priſoner; as alſo a grave Man, as his Father; the People staring upon them. The Priſoner being upon the Scaffold, bows down gracefully to the Aſſembly, and then ſpeaks thus.

Sailer.

Worthy Spectators, although I am a Stranger by Birth, yet I am as a Native, being a loving Subject, and humble ſervant of your Soveraign the Princeſs; but Fortune which takes more delight in Variety, then Juſtice, has not only toſs’d me from Climate to Climate, and Nation to Nation, but from Happineſs to Miſery, from Miſery to Happineſs, and from Happineſs to Miſery again; and yet my life will end happily; for I ſhall be a Sacrifice on the Altar of Love, which is ſuch an Honour, that not any worthy perſon would refuſe or repine at; for all true Lovers will bear up my Hearſe with Sighs, cover it with Tears, and intomb me in their Memory.

Upon 80 X2v 80 Upon this Speech the People begin to murmur; then the grave Man steps up and ſpeaks.

Worthy Spectators, This Perſon which is here ready to die for Love, (yet not for the Love you imagine) is no wayes capable of Marrying your Princeſs; for this Perſon is not only a Woman, but a Princeſs her ſelf; being Daughter to the Emperor of Perſia, who for Love hath wilfully baniſhed her ſelf from her Father’s Court and Empire: My Wife was her Governneſs, God reſt her Soul; ſhe being dead, and I her Guardian, did love this Princeſs as my own Child; and knowing her deſign was not to be alter’d, have attended her, both in her Diſguiſe and Travels; but your Princeſs imagining her a Man, being in Mans Clothes, has unfortunately fallen in Love with her, which has been the cauſe both of our trouble and diſcovery: But I hope this Nation is more juſt then to murder an innocent Princeſs, that has not committed any fault either to the People or their Soveraign.

The People Cry

Long live the Princeſs, remove her, and conveigh her to the Emperor.

Scene 81 Y1r 81

Scene IX.

Enter Mr. Converſant and Obſerver, with Lady Quickwit, and Self-conceit.

Converſant.

Lord, they ſay, there’s ſuch a noiſe about the Place where the Sailer ſhould be executed, as it’s fear’d there will be ſome mutiny or uproar amongſt the People.

Quick.

Faith, the Emperor would be juſtly ſerved, if there were a Rebellion againſt him, ſo it might not be a danger to his Daughter.

Self.

I did not believe the Princeſs would be ſo patient as ſhe is.

Obſ.

O, the leſs anger ſhe ſhews the more malice is inclos’d.

Quick.

She is too Vertuous to bear malice to her Father.

Conv.

But it is ſaid; Love and Ambition know no Kindred.

Enter Mr. Mode.

Mode.

Ladies, yonder is the ſtrangeſt accident that ever was.

Self.

Lord! what ſtrange accident?

Mode.

The Sailer is prov’d a Woman, and the Woman is proved a Princeſs, Daughter to the Perſian Emperor.

Y Obſ. 82 Y1v 82

Obſ.

What, has the Princeſs been in Love with a Woman?

Mode.

Yes.

Quick.

Pray, Monſieur Mode, tell us how ſhe was known to be a Woman, and who made the diſcovery?

Mode.

Why thus it was. When this Lady in Sailer’s Clothes was mounted on the Scaffold, and had made a very witty Speech; there ſteps up an ancient Man, and made a Speech, wherein, he told the People, She was a Woman, and Daughter to the Emperor of Perſia, and that he was a Noble Man of Perſia, who had travel’d with her; for by reaſon his Wife, who was dead, had been Governeſs to the Lady, he having no Children, was as fond of the Princeſs, as if ſhe had been his own Child; and ſeeing her pine away for Love, and her beloved gone, or rather baniſhed the Empire, ſhe reſolving to follow him, and to endeavour to find him, and that all his Perſwaſions could not prevail, he (although in years) did travel with her, to be both her Guide, Counſellor and Guardian. Whereupon, all the People ſhouted for Joy, and cried out, Carry her to the Emperor, Carry her to the Emperor; So both ſhe and the old Man are carried before the Emperor, but what will be the Event, I cannot tell.

Self.

For God’s ſake, Quick-wit, let us go to the Princeſs, and tell her this.

Quick.

We ſhall not need, for ſhe will have News of it before we come, and will be ſad that the Sailer is a Woman, as if he had been hang’d.

Enter 83 Y2r 83 Enter Mr. Spend-all.

Spend.

The Sailer is prov’d a Woman.

Conv.

That we have heard.

Spend.

But you have not heard that ſhe has been with the Emperor, and that he ſeems to be in Love with her in her Sailer’s Clothes.

Obſ.

It would be a ſtrange croſs Caper, if he ſhould marry the Sailer, for whom his Daughter was dying, and mad for love.

Spend.

Certainly, he ſeem’d ſtrangely to alter with her Preſence.

Self.

Come, Quick-wit, let us go and ſee how our Lady the Princeſs takes this.

Exeunt Ladies, Men Solus.

Obſ.

But can the Emperor be ſo ſuddenly in Love?

Spend.

Love makes no ſtay, nor takes Counſel.

Exeunt.

Scene X.

Enter Princeſs and the Ladies.

Quick-wit.

But Madam, can your Highneſs be well pleas’d, that the Sailer is prov’d a Woman, and that the Emperor ſhould love her ſo, as to profeſs, he will Marry her if ſhe agree?

Prin.

Yes; for though the Emperor my Father was unjust 84 Y2v 84 unjuſt to me, I cannot, nor never ſhall be undutiful to him.

Self.

But is your Melancholy paſſion of Love paſt?

Prin.

My Melancholy is paſt, but not my Love; for that will live ſo long as I ſhall live, and will remain pure in my Soul, when my body is dead and turn’d to duſt.

Quick.

Your Highneſs is a miracle of duty and conſtancy in Love, although the laſt is but a Dream.

Prin.

Many Dreams are Prophetical.

Exeunt.

Act V. Scene I.

Enter the Mother of the Maids, Enter alſo Mr. Mode and Spend-all.

Spend-all.

Have you heard the News?

Mode.

What News?

Spend.

Why, the Sailer that was a Man, and the Man that was proved a Lady, and the Lady a Princeſs, is now proved no Lady, but is a Man again, and a Sailer.

Moth.

How ſo?

Spend.

How ſo? why even as the Man that could change himſelf into a Wolf, and from a Wolf into a Man again; ſo the Sailer has the art to make himſelf a Man, or Woman when he pleaſes.

Mode. 85 Z1r 85

Mode.

I would he could teach all the Court this art.

Moth.

The gods forbid; for if all you Gentlemen ſhould be Women, what would my pritty birds do for Courtly Servants.

Spend.

Why, they might convert themſelves into Men, and then there would be a better agreement amongſt us; for when we are Women, we ſhall be kinder to them, when they are Men, then they are to us now they are Women.

Mode.

But what would your old Lady do, if you were a Woman?

Spend.

Faith, as well as ſhe doth now.

Mode.

But let us leave our talking, and go to the Sailer, to learn this Art.

Scene II.

Enter the Princeſs and the Sailer in a Prince’s Habit, Enter alſo the Fool.

Sailer.

My ſweet and dear Miſtreſs, what will you do?

Shall I have no fruition but ſtill woo?

Prin.

My noble Love and Servant give me leave,

That I in ſport my Father may deceive.

Fool.

God’s-body, in the time you deceive your Father, you deceive your ſelf; for he will take his pleaſure before you.

Z Sail. 86 Z1v 86

Sail.

Madam, the Fool ſpeaks truth.

Prin.

Yes, according to appetite, but not according to chaſt love.

Fool.

Lady, you ſpeak extravagantly, talking of Chaſt Love, when as never Lover was Chaſt, for they commit Adultery either in Mind or Body.

Prin.

I will have you whipt, if you diſgrace pure Love with the name of Adultery.

Fool.

You are not a fit Judge, being a Woman; but I will have the Prince my Judge: Sir, do not I deſerve a reward for all my good ſervice, had you been ſo as you are, had not I play’d my part?

Sail.

I grant it, and will plead in your behalf.

Prin.

I ſpeak not againſt your good ſervice, but your fooliſh arguments.

Fool.

They are doubly wiſe that can ſpeak well, and do well, but now I will give you Politick Counſel. But firſt, you muſt give me Lands; ſecondly, Moneys; thirdly, you muſt give me a great Office; and laſtly, you muſt make me a great Lord.

Prin.

A great Fool, you mean.

Fool.

I am that without your making.

Prin.

But where is the Politick Counſel you would give me?

Fool.

I marry, there is the buſineſs; the Counſel is, That firſt the Prince muſt declare himſelf, then you may Marry, and then whining Love will abate, and then with God’s bleſſing you may ſoon come to diſagree.

Prin. 87 Z2r 87

Prin.

And you are a Knave truly.

Sail.

Miſtreſs, I do approve of the Fool’s Counſel, as to make my ſelf known to the Emperor; but the way or manner how, is not conſider’d as yet.

Fool.

I have thought of that too, for your Twin- Siſter who is as like you as Pea to a Pea, (whom with my Rhetorick I got the Jaylor to take your place and habit in priſon) is now the Emperor’s admired Miſtreſs, and he dotes as much on her, as the Princeſs on you; and if you diſcover your ſelf to the Emperor, he would be a joyful Man, for now is he afraid to Marry, fearing to diſpleaſe the Princeſs; but hoping the Princeſs will conſent to his Marriage if he conſent to hers, it will make an even caſe, and both will be pleaſed.

Sail.

Well Fool, for once your Counſel ſhall take place.

Scene III.

Enter Mother of the Maids, Lady Quick-wit, and Self-conceit.

Mother.

Well, Ladies, you’re obliged to me.

Quick.

For what?

Moth.

For ſpeaking a good word to your Lovers, Mr. Converſant, and Mr. Obſerver; for if it had not been for me, they would not have Married you.

Self. 88 Z2v 88

Self.

You ſpeak in our behalf! why, you cannot ſpeak two words of ſenſe in any Cauſe.

Quick.

If you have ſuch a powerful Perſwaſion, why do not you get your other Daughters, Wanton and Wagtail, Husbands?

Moth.

Why ſo, I ſhall when their Lovers Wives are dead, and in the mean time they pleaſe themſelves.

Enter Converſant, and Obſerver.

Quick.

Servant, the Mother ſays, that her Rhetorick and Friendſhip hath perſwaded you to Marry us.

Conv.

Your Merit, not her Rhetorick or Frienſhip, could prevail with us.

Obſ.

Faith, Mother, your Rhetorick would rather loſe a Cauſe, then obtain a Suit.

Enter Wanton.

Want.

Do you hear the News?

Quick.

What News?

Want.

Why, the Sailer is proved a Prince.

Self.

What Prince?

Want.

The Emperor of Perſia’s Son, who was ſtollen away by a Noble Man of Perſia, with his Siſter, they being both Twins, and the Emperor being fond of this Son, his elder Son (this Prince’s Brother) deſigned to deſtroy him; which the Noble Man perceiving, put himſelf and the two Princes to the truſt of a Maſter of a Ship of this Empire, and diſguiſed them both as Sailers; and when the Prince was to be beheaded, the Fool did corrupt the Jaylor to take the Siſter in 89 Aa1r 9189 in the Room of her Brother, and by that means they were both ſaved.

Enter Wagtail.

Wagt.

There’s ſuch Mirth and Joy with the Emperor and Princeſs, as never was the like, through the miſtake between the Prince, and the Princeſs his Siſter.

Enter a Gentleman.

Gent.

Gentlemen and Ladies, you muſt all prepare for the ſolemnity of the Marriage of the Prince of Perſia, and our Princeſs.

Conv.

Doth not the Emperor Marry the Princeſs of Perſia?

Gent.

Yes, but the Marriage will be more private.

Converſ.

Then Ladies, it will be our Duties, if the Emperor and the Princeſs will give leave, That we accompany the Prince and Princeſs Bridals, with ours.

Self.

I ſhall agree.

Quick.

And ſo ſhall I.

Scene IV.

Enter Fool, and his Love.

Fool.

Come, the Princeſs has given leave, that we ſhall Marry when ſhe Marries; but you muſt waſh your face and hands very clean.

Maid.

But waſhing will not make them white.

Aa Fool. 90 Aa1v 9290

Fool.

That is true; for water or any thing elſe cannot change their Natural Colour, but a pair of white Gloves will hide your black hands, and a Mask will hide your foul Face; for you ſhall appear at the Wedding as a Maſcarado.

Maid.

O the Lord! I ſhall fright the Princeſs.

Fool.

I pray God you do not fright me, and ’tis no matter for frighting the Princeſs, for ſhe has been uſed to be frighted of late days.

Exeunt.

Scene V.

Enter Princeſs as a Bride, and the Prince as a Bridegroom ſitting under a State. Enter alſo Converſant and Quick-wit, Obſerver and Self-conceit, as Brides and Bridegrooms, and all the reſt of the Court. Then the Prince, and Princeſs and the reſt of the Company, dance a Ball after the French faſhion; and after this there is an Anti-Mask preſented to the Prince and Princeſs. Scenes. 91 Bb1r 9391

Scenes.

These Scenes were deſign’d to be put into the Preſence; but by reaſon I found they would make that Play too long, I thought it requiſite to Print them by themſelves.

Scene I.

Enter Mr. Buyer, and Mr. Seller.

Seller.

Will you buy my Ward?

Buy.

Yes, if you will take a reaſonable Summ: but having cut down all his Woods, diſſolved all the Iron ſtone, dig’d deep in his Coal-pits, and Lead, and Copper Mines, let Leaſes of his Lands, plowed all his Meadows, Paſtures, and Parks; to ask Twenty thouſand pounds, is unconſcionable!

Sell.

Come, come, you will find enough in the Eſtate to make it worth your Money, if you ſhould do no other thing then ſow or plant Ode; and when you have made the beſt of his Eſtate, you may have Bb a good 94 Bb1v 9492 a good Summ of Money for his Marriage.

Buy.

Well, I will venture; you ſhall have Twenty thouſand pounds.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Mr. Underward, and Diogenes his Man.

Diogenes.

Sir, ſo ſoon as your Father’s breath was out of his body, you were beg’d, and now you are ſold.

Under.

Who hath bought me?

Diog.

Faith, a Man that looks as if he would ſearch into your Eſtate.

Under.

I believe he will find it faint and weak.

Diog.

That little ſtrength it hath, he will fetch out, I warrant you.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter the Men-Servants, viz. Diogenes and another.

Man.

Ihear thy Maſter is Married.

Diog.

Yes, the more is the pity.

Man.

What kind of Woman is ſhe, he hath Married?

Diog.

You might have asked what kind of Beaſt ſhe is.

Scenes. 93 Bb2r 9593

Man.

Why, is ſhe ſo Homely?

Diog.

She is ſo ugly.

Man.

How doth your Maſter behave himſelf to her?

Diog.

As a young Man ſhould do, never comes neer her; and hates not only the ſight of her, but all thoſe that have ſeen her.

Man.

Why, then he ſhould hate thee.

Diog.

Faith, he loves me the worſe for it.

Man.

Is he not Melancholy?

Diog.

He hath been; but he finds that Melancholy will not mend his ruined Fortune, but that it will help to make it worſe; beſides, it impairs his Health, and torments his Mind; wherefore, he hath caſt off all grief, care and ſorrow, and intends to let Nature looſe, and pleaſe himſelf, as much as his ſmall Eſtate will give way to.

Mode.

You may grow rich, if your Maſter grows deboiſt.

Diog.

’Tis true, all Servants thrive beſt with deboiſt Maſters; but they muſt have Riches anſwerable to their Debauchery, or elſe their Servants will ſooner get a Rope to hang them, then an Eſtate to maintain them; becauſe all Debauchery is expenſive; and if their Maſters have nothing of their own to ſpend, their Debauchery muſt be maintained at the charge of others, and not of their own; and few will give an allowance for Debauchery; wherefore, they muſt either ſhirk, cozen, or rob to maintain their Riots.

Man. 94 Bb2v 9694

Man.

But thy Maſter hath all his Lands ſtill; his Guardian could not take them away.

Diog.

No, but they have taken out the heart of his Lands; for they will produce nothing but brakes and briars, moſs and ling; and if any be good, as I believe there is none, it muſt be ſold to pay Debts, which his Father left to be paid, and Portions to younger Children.

Man.

I doubt they will come ſhort of their expectation.

Diog.

So ſhort, as to have nothing.

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Mother, and Lady Baſhful.

Mother.

Iwonder you ſhould be ſo Baſhful as to make all the Court believe you are a kind of a Changeling, and a ſimple Fool!

Baſh.

Why, how do I behave my ſelf? I neither behave my ſelf immodeſtly, nor uncivilly.

Moth.

Nay, I am not by to ſee you; but I am told you ſtand amongſt Company like a ſtone Statue, without life, ſence or motion.

Baſh.

’Tis true, I do not hang upon Mens ſhoulders, nor lean upon their breaſts, nor ſuffer my ſelf to be imbraced in Mens arms; neither do I jump to ſit upon the Ta- 95 Cc1r 9795 Tables, nor lie wantonly upon the Carpets on the ground, nor run about after a wild manner, pinching one, ſhoving another, pulling a third, imbracing a fourth, dancing a piece of a dance with a fifth; nor do I make mouths upon one Man, then wink my eye upon another, giving my hand unto a third Man to kiſs.

Moth.

Why, you are thought ſo ſimple, as that you cannot ſpeak three words of ſence.

Baſh.

I had rather be thought a Fool for ſaying nothing, then be proved a Fool for ſpeaking Non-ſence; and of the two evils, it were better to be a ſilent Fool, then a prating Fool; I am ſure the ſilent Fool will offend the leaſt; but for my part, I cannot perceive any great ſtore of Wit that there is amongſt them, unleſs it be Wit to ſing Quaveringly, and talk loud, or to rail under the priviledg of Rallery, or to be a Buffoon to cauſe ridiculous Laughter; or to talk impudently or wantonly; but the truth is, that ſome think themſelves Politicians, and talk of State-affairs, yet underſtand no more of Government then the poſt, but would make the Common-wealth like their Chambers, where every thing is out of order, and what they are to uſe, they are always to ſeek; they would have no decent Orders, nor ſtrict Laws, but that every one might do what they like beſt; nor would they have Watches ſet, unleſs it were to guard Vices, looſe Carriages, and wanton dalliances; and others, which think to prove Cc them- 96 Cc1v 9896 themſelves Wits, diſpute of Love and Honour, and the Converſations of Souls, and before their Diſputes are ended, they draw themſelves quite from their Principle, into a dark Labyrinth of Non-ſence, then run about with ſenceleſs words until they bet out of breath, which makes them at laſt hold their peace.

Moth.

But I would have them know, you are not a Fool.

Baſh.

Why, if they ſhould think me a Wit, although I were none, it would increaſe their envy, and ſo they might make ſcandalous reports, which I perceive they are apt to do of one another; whereas now their opinion of my ignorant ſimplicity ſatisfies their ſpite.

Moth.

What came you to Court for, only to be thought a Fool?

Baſh.

No, I came to learn Wiſdom, and to improve my Underſtanding; and if I can meet no Vertue, Worth, nor Honour to take Examples from, yet I may obſerve the Follies, ſo as to ſhun them where or whenſoever I meet them; and though ignorance is thought a defect, either in Nature, or Breeding, yet it is not accounted a crime, nor a deadly ſin; and as long as they cannot think by my Carriage I am baſe, wanton, or wicked, I do not care how they think of my Wit or Baſhfulneſs.

Exeunt.
Scene 97 Cc2r 9997

Scene V.

Enter Monſieur Underward and Diogenes his Man.

Diogenes.

Sir, here was a Gentlewoman to viſit your Worſhip to day.

Under.

I am glad I was abroad.

Diog.

I wonder your Worſhip is not rather ſorry you were abroad, becauſe you miſs’d her Company.

Under.

Therefore, I am glad, becauſe I would not have her Company.

Diog.

Many Gentlemen ſpend moſt of their time to compaſs the Company of fair Ladies, and you ſtrive to ſhun them.

Under.

Faith, I have taken a ſurfeit of the Sex, and now I wonder how rational Men can ſpend the moſt part of their life in fooliſh Complements, falſe Praiſes, and Amorous Imbraces, abjecting their thoughts, when they might be elevated to a Speculation as high as the upper Region, where they might be illuminated by the Sun of Knowledge, from whence are ſpread beams of Underſtanding, by which are produced profitable Arts, and beneficial Sciences, delightful Fancies, and wiſe Prudence; beſides, their life might be imployed in Heroick actions, whereby they might get an Honourable renown, and not Female Dalliances; might conquer Nations, not betray ſimple Women; and might govern Worlds 98 Cc2v 10098 Worlds, not let fooliſh Women govern them; Thus Men might be like gods, and being Amorous, they become like Beaſts.

Exit.

Diog.

He thought the Females, Angels, a day ſince, and perhaps will think them ſo again a day hence.

Enter Monſieur Underward, his two Brothers, and two Siſters.

Under.

Brothers and Siſters, you are welcome.

Siſt.

We are come to complain, for if we cannot have our Portions, how ſhall we live?

Under.

How ſhall you live! why Siſters you may live by your Natural Gifts.

Siſt.

What are thoſe?

Under.

Your Youth, Beauty, and Wit.

Siſt.

Alas Brother, thoſe will gain us nothing, ſo long as we are poor.

Under.

No, but they will gain you ſomething, if you turn Whores, or trade as the Venetian Curtizans, who make by thoſe Gifts a great Revenue.

Siſt.

Heaven bleſs us Brother! would you have our Misfortune the cauſe of our Infamy?

Under.

Heaven hath bleſt very few from it, for Miſfortunes in this Age are accounted the greateſt crimes.

Sist.

They may be accounted Crimes, but we will not make them ſo; for though unconſcionable Men have ruined our Eſtate, and cauſed us to be poor, yet we will never defame our Anceſtors.

Under.

I believe you will when neceſſity importunes you, 99 Dd1r 10199 you, Flattery perſwades you, Gallantry allures you, Title intices you, and Power commands you.

Sist.

No, no, Brother, we have two Antidotes againſt them, which will ſecure us againſt thoſe Infections.

Under.

What Antidotes?

Siſt.

Religion and Honour.

Under.

I doubt your Antidotes will be too weak.

Broth.

And how ſhall we live Brother?

Under.

Marry, Brothers, you muſt live by your good Qualities.

Broth.

What are thoſe good Qualities?

Under.

Why, to be induſtrious Pimps, nimble Pickpockets, cheating Shirks, and couragious Robbers.

Broth.

Theſe Qualities are baſe, and will ſooner bring us to the Gallows, then any way enrich us.

Under.

Why, the Gallows were a good Fortune; for when you are hang’d, you will have no uſe for Riches, and it will end all your miſeries.

Broth.

But Hanging is a death which is only inflicted upon unworthy perſons for doing the baſeſt acts.

Under.

Death is all one, although the ways be various.

Broth.

But fame and infamy is not all one.

Under.

That is as pleaſes Fortune or Chance; for many times the moſt wicked, baſe, and unworthieſt perſons live, with as great renown, as the moſt pious, vertuous and honourable; nay, many times the worſt are Deified, and the beſt vilified; but Brothers and Dd Siſt- 100 Dd1v 102100 Siſters, to ſpeak ſeriouſly to you, I have nothing to give you but my Counſel; for the Land my Father left, is intail’d, ſo as I cannot ſell an acre of it, and it is ſo impoveriſhed and out of heart, as it will yeild no profit; nor can I Mortgage it, for none will venture their Money on it; and I am not only ruined in my Eſtate, but by Marriage, Marrying a Wife which I was forced to take without Portion, my Guardian poſſeſſing that Portion she had, and I only her ill-favoured body, and ill-natur’d mind; the one diſpleaſing my ſences, the other diſquieting my life. Thus, although you complain, yet ’tis I who ſuffer moſt, and am forced to be content; and ſince it is not in my power to help you, let me adviſe you; As for you my two Siſters, get into ſome honourable ſervice; for though you were born and bred to command, yet your poverty muſt make you practiſe to obey: Wherefore, be humble to your Miſtreſſes, diligent in your Offices, faithful to you truſt, conſtant to Vertue, and pious to Heaven, and the gods will reward you with good Husbands, who will love you, defend you, and provide for you: And as for you, my two Brothers, go to the Wars, and be Soldiers, it is an honourable Profeſſion, and only fit for Gentlemen; and what eſteem and reſpect you are likely to loſe by your poverty, let your gallant actions advance; improve your Fortunes by your Valour, and let Honour be the ground upon which you build.

Broth.

But if we be lamed in the Wars, what ſhall we do then?

Under. 101 Dd2r 103101

Under.

Why, then you muſt beg upon Crutches; for States do as many particular perſons do, which is, when they have had the ſervice, forget the reward; for though States are commonly ſo charitable, or rather Politick, to make Wars to imploy buſie Natures, and to maintain younger Brothers, and Sons of Noble Families, which have ſmall Fortunes, leſt they ſhould grow factious, and become mutinous through poverty; yet when they are made uncapable of doing either good or harm by their wounds and hurts, they have received in their Service, they take no care how they ſhall be diſpoſed of, not what miſery they are expoſed to; yet this muſt not retard a Gentleman, for it is more Honour to beg with their wounds got in their Country’s ſervice, then to live in baſe luxury; for Fame is not gotten by Sloth, nor Honour maintained by Riot.

Exeunt Brothers and Siſters.

Scene VI.

Enter Diogenes to his Master.

Monſieur Underward.

Where have you been, that you are out of the way when I ſhould employ you?

Diog.

Sir, my Lady ſent for me.

Under.

For what?

Diog.

To examine me what Miſtreſs you had; alſo, ſhe 102 Dd2v 104102 ſhe told me, that if you would not uſe her as a Wife, ſhe would make uſe of ſome other Man as a Husband.

Under.

Surely I am out of danger of being a Cuckold, for ſhe is ſo ill-favoured, no Man will come near her.

Diog.

Pardon me Sir; for if ſhe hath not Beauty to enamour Lovers, yet ſhe may buy Lovers.

Under.

Her ill-favouredneſs is beyond all covetouſneſs.

Diog.

O no Sir! for were ſhe the Devil, ſhe may be imbraced for Money.

Under.

Not under a vaſt ſumm.

Diog.

Yes faith, Sir, there are Men of all prices, as there are Women, even from the two-peny Whore to the thouſand pound Lady; ſo poor and needy Shirks are at a low price, when a flattering Gallant muſt be maintained at a high rate.

Under.

Why then, Tom, there is no aſſurance of the Female Sex, whether they be homely, ugly, handſome, beautiful, young, or old, unleſs Poverty be joyned with Deformity.

Diog.

Nay, faith Sir, thoſe that will be Whores, will make a ſhift to get a Knave ſome way or other, be they never ſo poor, or old, ill-favoured, or deformed.

Exeunt. Scene 103 Ee1r 105103

Scene VII.

Enter Two Gentlemen.

First Gentleman.

Faith, the Lady Baſhful is a mute Wit.

2 Gent.

laughs.

Ha, ha, ha, how can that be! is it poſſible to be a mute Wit?

1 Gent.

Why, Wit lies in the brain, and not in the tongue; for the hand as often expreſſeth Wit in the working of Arts, as the Tongue by diſcourſing; and an ingenious Art is as good a Copy of Wit, as Verſes, or Proſe, and ſhews as much Fancy.

2 Gent.

So you will make a Shoo-maker as good a Wit as a Poet.

1 Gent.

No; yet he that invented Shooes firſt, expreſt as much Wit, as he that invents a Tale, or a Romance, or makes a Copy of Verſes; beſides, Arts are to be valued according to the uſe, or Curioſity, as Tales, Romances, Simulizing Deſcriptions, diſtinguiſhing Fancy, Numbers, Rhimes, Language, ſignificant Words, and good Senſe; ſo for Arts in their ſubtile contrivances, curious workings, neat joynings and interlayings, well tempering, equal matching, and ſmooth polliſhing: But howſoever, ſhe is a mute Courtier, becauſe all Courtiers are full of talk, and ſhe ſpeaks ſeldome, and what ſhe ſays, is to purpoſe; when the reſt, for the moſt part, neither ſpeak truth, ſenſe, or reaſon; Ee for 104 Ee1v 106104 for Flattery is diſſembling, and Complements are vain, idle and ſenſleſs.

Exeunt.

Scene VIII.

Enter Madam Civility, and the Lord Loyalty, as at her Houſe.

Lord Loyalty.

Madam, when were you at Court?

Civil.

Not this Week, my Lord.

Loyal.

Are not you acquainted with Madam Baſhful?

Civil.

Yes, very well, my Lord; and ſhe comes often to viſit me, which I take for a great favour, by reaſon ſhe is ſo reſerv’d.

Loyal.

By Jupiter, ſhe hath a great Wit, although all the Court ſay ſhe is a Fool.

Civil.

O, my Lord, whoſoever ſays, ſhe is a Fool is much miſtaken, and knows her not; but ſhe is Baſhful, which make her not ſeem what ſhe is, by reaſon ſhe cannot expreſs her ſelf, being out of Countenance.

Loyal.

Faith, if you will have my opinion, I think ſhe is crafty, and will not expreſs her ſelf to idle perſons; but pray Madam, when ſhe comes to ſee you, let me have notice of it.

Civil.

I ſhall, my Lord.

Exeunt. Scene 105 Ee2r 107105

Scene IX.

Enter Monſieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes his Man, his Master ſhews him Gold.

Monſieur Underward.

Look here, Tom! here is Five hundred pounds I have won at Dice and Cards!

Tom.

I marry Sir, if your Worſhip could win as much every day, you would become, in a ſhort time, a rich Man again.

Under.

I had rather be poor, then be rich by ſuch baſe unmanly ways.

Tom.

Why Sir? it is lawful gain, if you won it fairly.

Under.

I will tell thee Tom, Gameſters are only Fortune’s Pick-pockets, and Cut-purſes, meer Cheats; for they neither win their Winnings by Induſtry nor Merit, but by Fortune’s power, which unjuſtly gives her Favourites leave, nay authorize them to plunder all they can lay hands on; without any conſcience or remorſe; but had they been ſubject to Pallas, they would have been hang’d, drawn and quarter’d; for Temperance would have accuſed them, and Prudence would have pleaded againſt them, Juſtice condemned them, and Fortitude have them executed; or had they lived in Honours Court, Right and Truth would have diſgraced them, Courteous Civility deſpiſed them, Grati- 106 Ee2v 108106 Gratitude exclaimed againſt them, Honourable Induſtry ſcorned them, Heroick Courage have fought againſt them, Noble Hoſpitality refuſed to entertain them, and Royal Generoſity baniſhed them; and they never can get near a good heart, and a well tempered brain, for the Muſes and the Graces abhor them, and make outworks againſt them; for Reaſon and Tranquility caſt up Trenches to keep them out, and Judgment ſtands a Centinel to diſcover them, leſt they ſhould approach unawares; and Underſtanding commands the Guard, will keep the Poſtern-door, and Peace governs the Fort, ſo as no Gameſter can enter.

Tom.

Your Worſhip may condemn the way you got your Money by; but I hope your Worſhip will not condemn the Gold you wonne.

Under.

Why, Tom, it hath neither ſence nor life.

Tom.

And it pleaſe your Worſhip, it puts life into thoſe that have it, and it runs as nimbly about, as if it were a living Creature; and I believe you will find it ſo active, as that your Worſhip will ſcarce hold it.

Under.

No, but Tom, I will direct it.

Tom.

Which of your Sences ſhall direct it?

Under.

Why, none of my Sences; for it ſhall be directed by my Reaſon.

Tom.

Your Worſhips Reaſon makes no uſe of it, but your Appetite.

Under.

Why, Tom, Reaſon lives in Appetite.

Tom.

Very ſeldom; for the chief Rulers are Exceſs and 107 Ff1r 109107 and Riot, Reaſon comes but as a Biſhop goeth round his Dioceſs, once in his life time, but many times never.

Under.

Tom, you are better acquainted with the brutes then I; but underſtand the Vices of the Sences beſt.

Tom.

Say not Vices, Sir, but the Natural Qualities; for there is no Vice in Nature.

Under.

Yes, that is a Vice in Nature, that deſtroys eſpecially that which diſpleaſes; indeed the Vices in Nature are DEeffects of Defects; and grievances and pains are cauſed by Imperfections, and Diſlikes by Defects; and whoſoever gives himſelf over to Senſuality, hath an Imperfection in the Soul, and a Defect in the Underſtanding.

Tom.

Your Worſhip ſpeaks as if you were fallen out with the Ladies Sences, or rather as if you did hate them.

Under.

Why, Tom, the Sences are Witches, very Sorcerers, which inchant the Life in the Caſtle of troubleſome vexation, or Metamorphiſe Men into Beaſts.

Exeunt. Ff Scene 108 Ff1v 110108 Scene

Scene X.

Enter the Lord Loyalty, and Madamoiſel Baſhful, as to Madamoiſel Civility’s Houſe.

Lord Loyalty.

Sweet, will you Entertain me for your Servant?

Baſh.

I am not rich enough in Merit to Entertain one of your Worth.

Loyal.

I will truſt your Merit, and ſerve you for your Love.

Baſh.

My Love is Childiſh, and hath not wit to chuſe, nor ſtrength to ſtand on conſtant ground; but totters, and ſtaggers at every ſmall diſlike.

Loyal.

I will ſerve your Youth and Beauty.

Baſh.

Your Lordſhip I doubt will have but a dull and troubleſome Service; for Beauty without Wit, is no more then a Marble Statue; and Youth without Diſcretion, is ſo wild, as it will weary you to run after its Follies, or correct its Errors.

Loyal.

Then let me ſerve your Wit.

Baſh.

That is ſo Fantaſtical, and changes into ſo many ſhapes, and various Dreſſes, as it will tire your Ears to liſten after it, and your Patience will not endure to keep it Company; for Wit without Judgment to order it, is more offenſive, then pleaſing or delightful.

Loyal.

Are you ſo deleted1 word cruell, as neither to let me ſerve your 109 Ff2r 111109 your Virtue, Love, Youth, Beauty or Wit? yet all your Rhetorick ſhall not turn me off; for I will ſerve you, although it be againſt your will, for I never knew any Lady as yet, but loved Variety of Servants, to ſhew their Power by their Tyranny.

Enter Madamoiſel Ill-favoured, and finds them together.

Ill-fav.

I’faith, my Lord, have I found your Lordſhip out! I perceive you chuſe the youngeſt and faireſt.

Loyal.

I ſhould elſe condemn my Judgment, Madam.

Ill-fav.

My Lord, there is an old ſaying, Fair and Fooliſh.

Loyal.

If you mean by Fair being Beautiful, then Fair is Wit, good Nature, ſweet Diſpoſitions, rare Qualities; for all good Delights and Pleaſures dwell with Beauty.

Ill-fav.

O fie, my Lord! can the Delight of one Sence feed all the reſt?

Loyal.

No; for the Mind hath no true taſt but when it feeds but of one Sence at a time; for mixt Sences make imperfect Pleaſures; beſides, they are as troubleſome as much company to a retired life; for much Company rather makes a Diſorder, then a Recreation; a Confuſion then a Society.

Ill-fav.

But doth your Lordſhip think ſo?

Loyal.

Nay, Madam, I will not diſpute with your Ladiſhip here, I will wait upon you at your Lodgings, and diſpute with you there.

Exit 110 Ff2v 112110 Exit the Lord Loyalty, and as he goeth out, meets Madamoiſel Spightful.

Spight.

Your Lordſhip’s Servant.

Loyal.

I am yours, Madam.

Exit Lord Loyalty.

Ill-fav.

Oh Madam! here I found the Lord Loyalty and Madamoiſel Baſhful talking ſeriouſly!

Spight.

Fie, ſweet-heart, fie; it is not fit, or handſome, that you ſhould be abroad without the Mother of the Maids, walking with a Man alone, and out of the Court, ’tis a ſhame; and let me tell you, that if the Empereſs ſhould know of it, ſhe would be very angry.

Exit Madamoiſel Baſhful, without ſpeaking a Word.

Ill-fav.

Nay, faith, I dare anſwer for her talking; for on my Conſcience ſhe did not ſpeak three words; nor can ſhe ſpeak twenty in order; and I dare ſwear ſhe underſtands not all the Letters in the Criſ-croſs-row.

Spight.

I ſuppoſe her Mother ſent her to the Court, to learn to diſcourſe, and to refine her behaviour, and to elevate her Spirit.

Ill-fav.

Faith, ſhe is the dulleſt Creature, of a young one, that ever I met with.

Spight.

Time and Practiſe will improve her; and truly it were a Charity to inſtruct her.

Ill-fav.

I would not be ſhe that ſhould take that pains for all the World: But where is Madamoiſel Civility? let us go and ſeek her out.

Exeunt. Scene 111 Gg1r 113111

Scene XI.

Enter Madamoiſel Controverſie, and another ancient Court-Lady.

Mad. Controverſie.

Ido not conceive Madamoiſel Baſhful to be ſo handſome, as to be admired for a Beauty; yet moſt of the Men ſeem to like her beſt.

Lady.

All Men love that which is moſt unuſual; for ſhe being ſo dull a young Lady, as not to delight in ſpeaking, makes her to be a ſingular Creature here, by reaſon all the reſt ſpeak ſo much.

Controv.

As dull as ſhe ſeems, I believe ſhe is more ſubtile and crafty then the reſt.

Exeunt.

Scene XII.

Enter Monſieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes his Man.

Monſieur Underward.

Iam ſo troubled with the Five hundred pounds I won at Play, I know not how to diſpoſe of them.

T. Diog.

I can tell your Worſhip how you may diſpoſe of them, if you pleaſe.

Under.

How, Tom?

T. Diog.

Why, your Worſhip may give it me. Gg Under. 112 Gg1v 114112

Under.

You muſt deſerve it firſt, or elſe it would be a Prodigality to give beyond the Receiver’s Merit.

T. Diog.

It would be a Charity, Sir.

Under.

No, Tom, it would prove a vanity to beſtow beyond a neceſſity; and as long as thou hast Meat, Drink, Clothes and Lodging, thou need’ſt not, having neither Wife nor Children to provide for.

T. Diog.

I deſire it, out of an humble duty and ſervice which I owe your Worſhip, to releaſe you of that trouble, and to take off the heavy weight of Five hundred pounds; but I perceive your Worſhip doth by theſe Five hundred pounds, as Stateſmen, and great Officers at Court, who are always complaining of overmuch buſineſs and attendance, and make as if it were the greateſt affliction in the World to be ſo tormented, and yet would as ſoon dye as part with their places, nay moſt commonly they do dye with grief, or at leaſt live in diſcontent, all the time they live, if they chance to be put out and another put in their places.

Under.

Now thou talkeſt of Offices, I will buy an Office at Court with my Money; for Money won at Play, is beſt beſtowed at Court; for Vanity and Vice is near a kin, and hold the longeſt Friendſhip; and though I viſit the Court ſometimes, yet I have no Office.

T. Diog.

But, and it pleaſe your Worſhip, Five hundred pounds will buy but a mean Office, or Place at Court; for they hold their prizes high, although the gains be but ſmall; for at Court, not only the Honour 113 Gg2r 115113 Honour of the place is prized, but every proud Look and fantaſtical Garb, bawling Words, bold fronts, or Courtly Oaths, are all prized and paid for, to the uttermoſt farthing.

Under.

Well, Tom, I will make my bargain as well as I can; but an Office I am reſolved to have.

T. Diog.

If your Worſhip were a Batchellor, to be an Officer in Court, might do you ſome ſervice; but as you are a Married Man, I cannot perceive it will benefit you much.

Under.

Why, not a Married Man, as well as a Batchellor?

T. Diog.

O Sir, a Court-Officer ſounds loud, and is conceived to be noble in the Ears and Mind of a young City-Virgin; and likewiſe with City-Widows; but with Countrey-Ladies, Court-Officers ſeem as gods, and they have not power to deny them any requeſt; ſo that a Court-Officer may get a young Heir, or a rich Widow, if he were a Batchellor; but being a Married Man, he will be only feaſted, or probably, may obtain ſome private Meetings, or the like, which for the moſt part is to the Courtiers loſs, thoſe private Meetings being moſt commonly devilliſh chargeable.

Under.

Well, I will try my Fortune; who can tell but that the Emperor may look graciouſly on me, and make me a Favourite, when I am an Officer?

T. Diog.

He may look on you with a gracious eye; but I doubt your Worſhip will never be made a Favourite.

Under 114 Gg2v 116114

Under.

Why, Tom, as mean-deſerving Men as I, have been made Favourites.

T. Diog.

The more is the pity, Sir, that great Monarchs which ſit at the Helm, and govern a Kingdom, ſhould have ſo weak a judgment, or ſuch depraved affections, as to place their chief Favours on a worthleſs Subject.

Under.

Why, you Rogue, do you think me a worthleſs ſubject?

T. Diog.

No, Sir; I ſpeak when Men of mean abilities are made Favourites; but by your favour, Sir, your Worſhip may be a very deſerving perſon in your ſelf, and a fit Man for ſome kind of Places, Offices, or Employments, and yet not fit to be Favourite; for a Favourite muſt not only be Honourably born, Nobly bred, and of a Rich Inheritance, to keep off Envy; but he muſt be ſweetly diſpoſed; civilly behaved; alſo of a pleaſing Speech, a generous Nature, a free Mind, and bountiful hand, to get Love; likewiſe, he muſt have an unſpoted Reputation, a juſt Word, upright Actions, and an Heroick Spirit to win Credit; alſo, he muſt have a prudent eye, a deep Judgment to ſpie out his Enemies, and diſcern his true Friends, if Favourites can have true Friends; beſides, he muſt have undaunted Courage to defend himſelf againſt miſchievous ſpite, and malicious envy; and a ſtrong party, to march and paſs through oppoſers; he muſt alſo have a ready Wit, and be ingenious in Contrivances, and Politick Inventions, with 115 Hh1r 117115 with an induſtrious diſpatch; alſo, he muſt have an oyled Tongue, both to ſpeak for his Prince, and to his Prince, for himſelf and his affairs: Laſtly, he muſt be ſo wiſe as to receive his Princes Commands with a dutiful reſpect, and preſent his own Counſels or advice with an humble demeanor, and an inſinuating Countenance; and when he is to plead a Suit, he muſt do it as if it were a bounty and a Royal favour to grant it, although it were an injuſtice to deny it: And whoſoever is not thus, and doth not act thus, is not fit to be a Favourite; neither can a Favourite hold faſt with the people, nor ſtand ſure with his Prince.

Under.

Nay faith, you ſhould have joyned Fortune to be his Friend, or elſe your Favourite will fall; and it is moſt often ſeen, that a Fool hath the best Fortune; beſides, if any Man were ſo excellent a perſon, as you would have a Favourite, the Prince would fear him, leſt he might uſurp his power; or the People would hate him for his Worth and Merit; for they love nothing in perfection: But if any Man could practiſe as well as ſpeak, thou were the only fit Man to be a Favourite. But Tom, tell me how comeſt thou to ſpeak ſo wiſely?

T. Diog.

O Maſter, although your Worſhip hath a better Natural Wit, then I; yet being old, I have more experience then you; for Time and Experience is the Father and Mother of Wiſdom.

Hh Under. 116 Hh1v 118116

Under.

Well, Tom, for all your wiſe diſcourſe, I will try my Fortune at Court.

T. Diog.

But Sir, I wonder your Worſhip ſhould deſire to be a Court-Officer, ſince you have been ruined and undone by Courtiers.

Under.

The fitter I am to be one, to ruine another, as they have ruined me.

Exeunt.

Scene XIII.

Enter the Lord Loyalty and Madamoiſel Baſhful, as in Madamoiſel Civilities Houſe.

Lord Loyalty.

Do you ſay, you can love an unfortunate Man?

Baſh.

Yes, ſo his Misfortunes come not through his Crimes.

Loyal.

Misfortune’s are thought Crimes, and are oftner ſhunned then Crimes are, for moſt part of the World is ſo baſe, that unto Criminal Powers they will crouch, creep, flatter, and ſell their Liberties to them, when they will exclaim againſt honeſt Misfortunes, and fly from, or elſe will purſue them unto death, and then triumph over their Graves; beſides, the World will wonder that you are young and fair, ſhould chuſe an unfortunate Man for a Husband.

Baſh.

My Lord, Misfortunes and Honeſty in this Age, are ſo fixt to each other, as I cannot chuſe one, but I muſt take both.

Loyal. 117 Hh2r 119117

Loyal.

Can you love ſo well, as to be ruined for my ſake?

Baſh.

If you call Poverty ruine, when it’s taken up for Merit ſake, I could be well content to entertain it, and ſhould glory in the acquaintance, and be proud of the fellowſhip.

Loyal.

Why the, we will never diſpute of it further, but Marry as ſoon as Conveniency will give us leave.

Exeunt.

Scene XIV.

Enter Madam Ill-favoured, Madam Spightful, Madam Wagtail, and Madam Ill-natured.

Wagtail.

How ſhall we do to break the Marriage?

Spight.

Thus, you Wagtail may ſpeak to ſome of the Bed-Chamber of the Empereſs, and tell them as a Secret, that the Lord Loyalty will for certain Marry Madamoiſel Baſhful, and they will be ſo envious, eſpecially Madamoiſel Bragadocia, and Madamoiſel Relax, as they will do there endeavour with the Empereſs, to get her to break it.

Ill-fav.

And I will ſpeak to ſome friends of mine to that purpoſe.

Spight.

And I will ſend Monſieur Malicious, to tell the Lord Loyalty that ſhe ſits up as late as any of us, and and 118 Hh2v 120118 and that ſhe hath as much Company of Men late in her Chamber, and any of the Maids have.

Wagt.

But that is known to the contrary.

Spight.

Piſh, Men are apt to be jealous of the Miſtreſſes they intend to Marry; and Jealouſie will believe any thing; alſo let us employ Tell-Tale.

Ill-natured.

No faith, if ſhe ſhould know our deſign, ſhe will do us more hurt then our deſign good, by telling it; for ſhe can conceal nothing, ſhe cannot keep a Secret, if ſhe ſhould die for declaring it, for when ſhe knows any thing, that ſhe thinks is not generally known, ſhe runs from Lodging to Lodging to ſpread it abroad.

Exeunt.

Scene XV.

Enter Madamoiſel Baſhful, and Madam Civility.

Mad. Civility.

O Madamoiſel Baſhful, here hath been five or ſix Meſſengers one after the heels of another, to call you back to the Court; and now the Mother is come from the Empereſs.

Baſh.

It cannot be for any Treaſon to the State, nor to the Empereſs my Miſtreſs; nor for any Crime againſt my fellow-Servants, and Siſters; and certainly they do not take me for a wiſe Sybel to ask Counſel of.

Civil.

They are ſpightful and envious, and fearing you ſhould 119 Ii1r 121119 ſhould Marry the Lord Loyalty, who is not only one of the gallanteſt Men, but one of the greateſt in the Kingdom.

Baſh.

Well, Madam, I ſhall take my leave of you for this time, and pray ſend the Lord Loyalty word, I am ſent for to the Court in all haſt; but I will reſt upon his favour to defend me, if I be aſſaulted, or to receive me if I be in diſtreſs.

Exeunt.

Scene XVI.

Enter Madam Impoveriſhed, Underward’s eldest Siſter, Monſieur Lover, her Ladies Brother, follows her.

Mad. Impoveriſhed.

Sir, why do you follow me ſo?

Lover.

To have you love me.

Impov.

After what manner would you have me love you? as you are a worthy Perſon, or a bountiful Maſter, a kind friend, or an amorous Lover, or for a Husband?

Lover.

As a lover.

Impov.

As a Platonick Lover, or a Carnal Lover, or an admiring, ſighing, whining Lover, or an honeſt Matrimonial Lover?

Lover.

As a Carnal Lover, and by that all manner of faſhion’d Lovers, or degrees of Loves, are comprehended.

Impov.

Well, apprehend me then, and know I am Ii onely 120Ii1v 122120 only for a Matrimonial Lover, and for no other.

Lover.

Do you think I will Marry my Siſters waiting Woman?

Impov.

Why, am I the worſe, for being your Siſters Woman?

Lover.

No, not for being my Siſters Woman, becauſe ſhe is a worthy and honourable perſon; but for being a Servant.

Impov.

There are none who are not either Servants, or Slaves by Nature, Fortune, Opinion, Neceſſity, or Supream power; we are Slaves to the Pleaſure of our Sences; to the pains and ſickneſs of our Bodies; to the paſſions of our Minds; to the neceſſities of Poverty; to humane Laws; to the motions of Time; to the Conveniency of Place; to the change of Chance; to the decrees of Fate; to the frowns of Fortune: And if you are in Love with me, you are a Slave either to my Beauty, Wit, Virtue, or your own evil deſires; but thoſe, who can conquer themſelves, are the moſt free, ſince they rule their Paſſions, temper their Appetites, order their Actions, bear their Misfortunes without murmuring, endure pain patiently, fear not death, nor are weary of life; and not doing thus you may be more a Servant or Slave, then I; yet none are abſolutely free: For, although Patience, Temperance, Fortitude, Prudence, and Induſtry be as Engines or Inſtruments, which ſerve to break off ſome of our Shackles; yet they break not all our Chains; for Civility, Obligations, Duty, Huma- 121Ii2r 123121 Humanity, Morality, and Divinity bind us; in which bondage we ought to remain; and not only theſe bind us, but Nature her ſelf binds us; nay, Nature her ſelf binds and enſlaves her ſelf with Rods of pain; by which we may perceive,

That it is only Death which ſets us free,

For whilſt we live we are bound to Slaverie.

Lover.

But ſome are more noble Slaves then others.

Impov.

No truly, for thoſe are as much enſlaved that are tyed with Golden Chains, as with thoſe of Iron; or whipt with ſilken Cords, as with thoſe of Hemp, if they are as ſtrong to reſtrain them, or ſo knotty that the ſmart may keep them in awe: But as to the matter of ſervice, I think it not only an advantage for Gentlemen and Women who have low Fortunes, to ſerve thoſe that are rich in Poſſeſſions, or great Titles, or powerful or meritorious Perſons; but they are an honour to thoſe perſons they ſerve, and ought not to be thought the worſe for ſerving of them, but to be the more eſteemed; otherwiſe, they do not only diſgrace thoſe that ſerve them; but they diſgrace themſelves by undervaluing their ſervices, as the truth is, moſt do: For Example, A Gentleman of an ancient Family, whoſe Anceſtors have been very rich, powerful and meritorious, being faln into decay, either by their too free and noble Entertainments, or by ſome misfortune; or by a numerous iſſue, which cuts and divides an Eſtate ſo often, and into ſuch ſmall parts, as it is diſperſed, and flys away like duſt, the Eſtate being122 Ii2v 124122 being gone before the line of ſucceſſion is ended, the iſſue of that line are enforced to ſeek their Fortunes, addreſſing themſelves to the protection and maintenance of ſome Noble Perſons, which Noble Perſons ought to prefer them according to their deſert; but put the caſe ſome have ſo much Means as to give their Sons and Daughters indifferent Portions, yet living obſcurely, not having ſuch Eſtates as to keep and entertain reſort, or to put themſelves in a publick way of living, their Children are buried in obſcurity, having not ways or a ſufficient Eſtate, to make themſelves known to the World, or the World to them; wherefore, theſe Gentlemen ſend their Sons and Daughters to ſerve Noble Men, and honourable Ladies; in which Services they learn handſome Faſhions, Graceful Behaviour, Noble Entertainments: Alſo, their Beauties are ſet out to the general view, their Wits to the general Obſervation; their Worth and Merits to the general knowledg of the chief of the Kingdom, or at leaſt, to ſome eminent perſons which take notice of them, and ſo much many times as to Marry them. As for their Sons, their Lords and Noble Maſters do often prefer them to Offices, or ſome Martial Command, if they be perſons worthy of Preferment; but if they are not preferred, yet they have Diet, Lodging, Wages, and good Company ſo long as their Lords and Noble Maſters live, and enjoy their reſpect, and eſteem; beſides, all Noble Mens Houſes are, or ſhould be ſuperintendent Courts, not only to entertain the kingdom with Sports and 123 Kk1r 125123 and delights, and to teach them Civility, and courteous Behaviour; but to ſhew the Honour and Magnificence of the Kingdom, to awe others, and keep up their own Dignity, and by that the Royalty; making a difference betwixt the Peaſantry, and the Gentry; for as the Nobility depend upon the Crown, and the Crown is upheld by the Nobility, ſo the Gentry upon the Nobility, and Nobility by the Gentry; which three parts joyn’d, is the Noble half of the Kingdom; the Citizens, Yeomandry and Handicrafts-Men, or Labourers, are the other half; this half is from the Waſt downward, the other from the Waſt upward: The King is the head, the Nobles are the heart, the Gentry the Armes; the Head to direct, the Heart to aſſiſt, the Armes to defend; the Head is the Seat of Juſtice, the Heart the Magazine of Counſel, the Armes the force of Power. The other half is from the Waſt downwards, the Citizens are as the Belly which devour all, the Labourers the Feet to tranſport all; but if the Head be diſtempered with Simplicity, or diſtracted with Extravagancy, or akes with Tyranny; or the Heart ſick with Treaſon, or hot with Malice, or cold with Envy, or hath the paſſion of Covetouſneſs; or if the Armes be broke with Cowardiſe, or weak with Debauchery; the Belly ſtraight ſwells with Hydropical faction, and breaks into Rebellion; the thighs and feet become weak with Famine, and full of the ſcurvy of diſorder: Thus, if the Head be not wiſe, the Heart honeſt, the Armes ſtrong, the reſt of the Common-wealthKk mon- 124 Kk1v 126124 mon-wealth is ſoon brought to ruine; And if the Emperor affronts the Nobility by diſrepects, or neglects; and the Nobility ſtrives to diſgrace the Gentry: Royalty, Nobility, and Gentry will ſoon fall down; Alſo, if Kings ſlight their Nobleſt Servants, and the Nobility ſlights the Right Worſhipful Servants, their own Honour and Reſpect will ſoon decay; not but that all, who are Servants, ought to do their duty to their Lords, Maſters, or Ladies, and to obey their pleaſure, or elſe they ought to loſe their Service; for all Servants owe a duty and reſpect to their Maſters, and thoſe Maſters, who do not keep and govern them to the obſervance of that duty and reſpect, ought not to be Maſters of Families, or to keep Servants.

But to return to my ſelf again; I believe you are a perſon ſo wiſe, and have ſo much worth, as neither to detract from your Siſters Services, nor to diſcredit my birth for being a Servant; ’tis true, if my Birth and Breeding, had been as low as my Fortunes, you might have rejected me as for a Wife, by reaſon the Qualities and Natures of mean Perſons are moſt commonly accordingly, having as vulgar Souls as Births; I do not ſay all but moſt, for ſometimes Merit is found in a poor Cottage, and thoſe that have noble Souls are to be preferred before thoſe of Honourable Birth; for they deſcend from the gods, whoſe Eſſence is infuſed into the pureſt Subſtance of their Nature; yet that is ſo ſeldome, that there are but few Ages that can boaſt thereof; but 125 Kk2r 127125 but however they have this advantage, that they are ſo much the more proſperous being unuſual; and as the Gentry are ſpurred with Ambition to maintain the Honour of their Anceſtors, by Virtuous, Noble, and Heroick Precepts, (for Gentry is derived from the root of Merit) ſo the brood of the Vulgar for the moſt part lies in the ſame litter, mire, kennel, or dunghill as their Parents did: And as I am a Gentlewoman born, and bred, although I am poor, yet I am an equal match, for any perſon, of what Dignity, Wealth, Power, or Authority whatſoever, and as I am virtuouſly Chaſt, I am not to be deſpiſed by the moſt Heroick Spirit.

Lover.

If you will preach ſuch a Lecture to all my Friends, and aquaintance, and can convert them as you have done me, I will Marry thee in great Tryumph, and feaſt them all at my Wedding.

Impov.

Nay, ſurely I will never buy a Husband at the charge or coſt of ſo many words, which muſt be laid out in ſo many ſeveral Diſcourſes, unleſs I knew how you would prove.

Lover.

Let me tell you, I ſhall prove an excellent bargain.

Impov.

I dare not take your word.

Exit. Monſieur Lover, Solus.

Lover.

Well, I muſt Marry her, although thrifty diſcretion forbids the Banes.

Exit.
Scene 126 Kk2v 128126

Scene XVII.

Enter Monſieur Underward, as being now a Widower, his Wife newly dead; and enter Tom Diogenes his Man.

Tom Diogenes.

Sir, will not your Worſhip keep the Funeral- Ceremonies for my Lady, now ſhe is dead, and to have her Herſe ſtand for a Month together, to receive Condoling Viſits, and Viſiters, in a Room hung with black, and ſo many Mourners to ſit by, and you as a ſorrowful Husband at the head of the Herſe, ſeeming to weep?

Under.

I cannot ſit ſo long a time.

T. Diog.

Why? you need not if you will not, or cannot ſit ſo long and tedious a time; for you may hire a poor Man to ſit and mourn for you; for the Mourning Garments and Hood over the Head and Body, and the dirty Handkerchief held to the eyes, hides the perſon of the Mourner, ſo that none can tell, but that it is your ſelf.

Under.

But yet I muſt impriſon my ſelf for that time; for if I ſhould go abroad, the deceit will be found out.

T. Diog.

But it were better to be bound and impriſoned to your ſingle life, then to a Company of Strangers.

Under. 127 Ll1r 129127

Under.

And uſeleſs Ceremonies, Tom.

T. Diog.

But Sir, I would adviſe you to keep it, were it but to divulge the Antiquity of your Gentility, which will be done by the Scutcheons upon the Herſe.

Under.

The Expence will buy that vain glory too dear; for the very Torches that muſt be ſet about the Herſe, will coſt more then the Vanity is worth.

T. Diog.

You may ſave that Expence of Torches, Sir; for blinking Lamps with a little Rape-oyl, of ſmall coſt, will ſerve, and will do much better, and are more proper to be hung in a mourning room; for ſuch Lamps look diſmal and melancholy, by reaſon of the many ſhadows they make, by their imperfect lights; beſides, when a Herſe is beſet round with great flaming Torches, the Corps ſeems as if it were in the midſt of Hellfire.

Under.

Well, go your ways, Tom, and give order that her Corps be carried privately unto my Country- Houſe, and then to be buried amongſt my Anceſtors; though truly I never knew her as a Wife, but in reſpect to that holy Ceremonial contract of Marriage, and honourable Names of Husband and Wife, ſhe ſhall be buried there.

T. Diog.

It is a favour, Sir, that you will let her lie with your Forefathers now ſhe is dead, although you would never lie with her your ſelf, when ſhe lived; and when you die and are buried in the ſame place, if your aſhes ſhould meet, they might chance to produce Immortal Souls.

Ll Under. 128 Ll1v 130128

Under.

Or Platonick Lovers, Tom.

Exeunt.

Scene XVIII.

Enter the Maids, and other Court-Ladies.

Madam Spightful.

I wonder that all the Strangers that come to the Court, ſhould addreſs themſelves to Madamoiſel Baſhful, more then to any of the reſt! it cannot be for her Wit; and I do not ſee ſo much beauty ſhe hath to be admired.

Enter Monſieur Inſinuator, Monſieur La Bough, and Monſieur Obſerver, Madamoiſel Wagtail, and Madamoiſel Wanton.

Wagt.

Lord, Gentlemen, how can you be ſo long in the Court without the ſight of Madamoiſel Baſhful?

Inſinu.

Faith, ſhe will not let us have a ſight of her, but when ſhe comes to attend on the Empereſs.

Want.

I would very fain know, whether any body ever heard her ſpeak a dozen words.

La Boug.

Madam, I have heard her.

Want.

And were they ſenſe, or non-ſenſe?

La Boug.

Very ſencible to the ſubject ſhe ſpoke on; but ſhe ſpeaks no more then needs ſhe muſt, to keep in the ſociety of Civility.

Exeunt. Enter the Mother of the Maids.

Moth.

Ladies, the Empereſs is going abroad.

Exit.
Scene 129 Ll2r 131129

Scene XIX.

Enter Madamoiſel Baſhful, and meets the Lord Loyalty in the Preſence-Chamber.

Lord Loyalty.

Well met; let me examine you where you have been.

Baſh.

I have been, my Lord, at Madam Controverſie’s Chamber to hear the Sages diſpute.

Loyal.

And which ſide carries it to day?

Baſh.

Why, neither, my Lord; it is left in debate, as moſt Diſputes are.

Loyal.

So it will be until Doomſday; for no queſtions concerning the gods can be reſolved, nor any Arguments proved; and if no Souls ſhould enter into the bleſſed Elyſium, but thoſe that muſt eat Ambroſia, and drink Nectar, and prove by reaſon what Meat and Drink it is; Charon might drown his Boat in the River of Styx; and Melancholy walk thoſe bleſſed fields alone by himſelf; neither ſhould Mortals ever have the Honour and Glory to be taken up into Jove’s Manſion; Hercules had loſt his labour, and Orion had never been a Conſtellation; and ſo of the reſt of the gods: Should they impoſe that which we cannot undergo, and require that we cannot give, and expect we ſhould know that which is not to be known, or at leaſt underſtood, were not only unjuſt, but ridiculous, and agrees not with 130Ll2v 132130 with the Wiſdom of the gods: Therefore Lady, let me adviſe you, never to hearken after Controverſies concerning the gods; nor to enter into any Controversies; for all ſorts of Controverſies will diſquiet your mind, trouble your head, tire your thoughts, diſturb your reſt, divide your affairs, diſorder your Family, diſtract your life, and torment your Soul: As for Diſputes, it heats the Brain, ſpends the Spirits, breaks the Voice, wearies the Tongue, loſes Friends, makes Quarrels, and many times cauſes unnatural death.

Baſh.

I ſhall take your Lordſhips Counſel.

Loyal.

I pray grant my deſire, to meet me at Madamoiſel Civility’s houſe.

Baſh.

I ſhall my Lord.

Exeunt.

Scene XX.

Enter Madam Ill-favoured, Madamoiſel Spightful, and Madamoiſel Wagtail, as being three dear Friends.

Madam Ill-favoured.

How ſhall we compaſs to get the Company of Monſieur Inſinuator, Monſieur Exceptions, and Monſieur Obſerver?

Wagt.

Faith, I hate their Company; for they admire none, but Madamoiſel Baſhful.

Ill-fav.

Therefore, I would endeavour to get them into our Company, to make her jealous.

Wagt. 131 Mm1r 133131

Wagt.

O, ſhe cares not, for ſhe ſhuns them.

Spight.

Yet ſhe may be vext to ſee her Admirers neglect her.

Wagt.

As ſoon as they ſee her, they will leave our Company, to go and gaze on her.

Ill-fav.

No; no; for our Wit will make them our own, and I will make an Entertainment, and invite them to Supper.

Wagt.

Piſh, piſh.

Ill-fav.

Nay, prithee agree; and i’faith, if you will come, I will ſend for Doctor Female, and Maſter Letter; I know you love their Company well; for if you be not with us, Meſſieurs Inſinuator, Obſerver, and Exceptions will never come.

Wagt.

Why, did you uſe to laugh at them, or diſpraiſe them?

Ill-fav.

It’s true, I did behind their backs, when we had other Men in our Company, and to pleaſe them we have diſparaged thoſe of our acquaintance that were not with us.

Wagt.

Well, I will come to ſup with you.

Exeunt.
Mm Scene 132 Mm1v 134132

Scene XXI.

Enter Tom Diogenes, with another Man, his Friend.

Man.

Tom, how doſt thou do?

Tom.

Do you ask me, how I do in my Health, Eſtate, or Content?

Man.

Why, in thy Health, and Wealth; for thoſe that are Healthful and Rich, there is no doubt but they are Content..

Tom.

By your leave, let me tell you, That by my Obſervations in the World, I have obſerved, that thoſe who are Healthful, very rich, and Powerful, have as troubled Minds, as thoſe that are weakly, poor, and mean; for a Slave may be more content then a great Monarch; a poor Man that eats and lives by that ſweat of his Brows, then a rich Uſurer; a Bed-ridden Man, then a Dancing Gallant; for Content and Diſcontent lives in the Mind, not in the Body, Labour, Wealth, or Power.

Man.

Well, how do you both in Mind and Body?

Tom.

As moſt are, ſometimes better, and ſometimes worſe.

Man.

And how do you like the Court?

Tom.

As the Court likes me.

Man.

How is that?

Tom.

Not to care whether I am in, or out; but come, we will go into the Cellar, for the Cellar-Man is 133 Mm2r 135133 is my great Friend, and he will make thee drink for my ſake.

Exeunt. Enter Monſieur Underward, and Madam Ill- favoured

Ill-fav.

Monſeur Underward, when will you come to my Chamber? I can never ſee you there of late, I pray come and ſup with me to Night; there will be Madam Spightful, and Monſieur Malitious.

Under.

Faith, Madam, my occaſions are ſuch, as will force my abſence, for which I could curſe my fate, that deprives me of your ſweet Company.

Ill-fav.

If you will come, I will ſend for Madam Wagtail, and ſhe will tempt you, though I cannot; what ſay you, will you come?

Under.

Madam, your Commands are ſo powerful, as they are able to force Deſtiny her ſelf.

Exeunt.

Scene XXII.

Enter Madamoiſel Petitioner, her Gentleman-Uſher, and a Waiting-Woman with her; ſhe all in Mourning as a Widow, being young and handſom.

Madamoiſel Petitioner.

We will go no further, leſt we ſhould be turned back, with ſome affront; for Courts (they ſay) are apt to caſt diſgrace on Strangers.

Uſher.

Not on one of your Quality, Madam.

Petit. 134 Mm2v 136134

Petit.

Of any Quality, if they underſtand not the Court’s Garbs and Phraſes.

Enter Monſieur Underward, and ſeeing the Lady ſtanding as in a back-Gallery, ſpeaks to her.

Under.

Madam, your Beauty deſerves to be ſhewn to the view of the World, and not to be obſcured in a black-Gallery; wherefore, your Ladiſhip had beſt go into the Preſence, where are other Beauties to entertain you.

Petit.

Sir, I came not to ſhew my Beauty, had I any to ſhew; but to offer a Petition to the Emperor and his Council, if I knew how?

Under.

Surely you cannot offer a Petition, and not receive a Grant; and could I do your Ladiſhip any ſervice, I ſhould think my ſelf happy; and although I live at Court, and am a Servant to the Emperor, my power is but weak; yet if you pleaſe to employ me, I ſhall ſerve you to the uttermoſt of my weak power.

Petit.

Sir, I ſhall be thankful; and I will reward you to the uttermoſt of my ability.

Under.

Madam, I am not Mercenary, nor do I offer my ſervice out of baſe Intereſt; I make not Petitioners my Clients to bribe me, nor do I live by ſuch rewards; but by your Commands would be reward enough, and more then I have Merit to deſerve, had I power to my wiſh.

Petit.

I hope I have not offended, Sir?

Under.

Your Sex is ſacred, and he is not worthy of 135Nn1r 137135 of the Name of a Gentleman, that thinks a Lady can offend any more then the gods; they may puniſh Offences with their Frowns, but they themſelves cannot offend by doing unjuſt acts, from whence offences do proceed.

Petit.

Then, Sir, I ſhall deſire ſo much Friendſhip from you, as to let me know when the Council ſits, and to preſent me to the place.

Under.

I ſhall, Madam.

Petit.

If I had any body to recommend my ſuit, I make no queſtion but it would thrive the better.

Under.

Madam, there is a noble perſon, one of the Emperor’s Privy Council, who is both generous and juſt, and hath ſome power and favour with the Emperor; he hath been pleaſed to beſtow a civil reſpect to me, and if you pleaſe I will preſent you to him.

Petit.

Sir, I ſhall be obliged to you for your favours.

Enter the Lord Loyalty, Monſieur Underward goeth to him and ſpeaks to him.

Under.

My Lord, there is a Lady that deſires your Lordſhips favourable aſſiſtance about a Petition ſhe would deliver to the Emperor, and his Council; my noble Lord, I ſhall not need to plead her Cauſe; for her Beauty, and the Juſtice of her Cauſe, will plead themſelves, without the help of Rhetotrick.

Loyal.

Sir, it was well you put in the Juſtice of her Cauſe; for Beauty ought not to plead; for it corrupts all Mortal Judges; but Madam, if you pleaſe to make your Petition known to me, I ſhall adviſe you the beſt Nn I136Nn1v 138136 I can, and ſhall be induſtrious in your ſervice; and if you pleaſe to let me wait on you into the Room before the Council-Chamber, I ſhall there beſt hear your Cauſe, and receive your Commands.

Petit.

I ſhall wait on your Lordſhip.

The Lord Loyalty takes her by the hand, and leads her out, the reſt follow. Enter Monſieur Obſerver to Monſieur Underward.

Obſerv.

So Underward! no ſooner a rich young Widow is faln, but you ſtraight catch her up!

Under.

What rich young Widow?

Obſ.

As if you did not know, and have led her about from room to room this hour.

Under.

Why, was ſhe a Widow which I led?

Obsſerv.

Why, did you not know her?

Under.

No, by my troth, I knew not, whether ſhe was Wife, Widow, or Maid.

Obſerv.

Then let me tell you, ſhe is one of the richeſt Widows that is in the Kingdom.

Under.

That may be, and yet but poor.

Obſerv.

Nay, ſhe is very rich; for ſhe was an Heir before ſhe Married, and her Husband a mighty rich Man, and hath left her a great fortune.

Under.

Surely ſhe deſerves it, for ſhe ſeems of a ſweet diſpoſition, and noble nature.

Obſerv.

Whether ſhe deſerve it, or not, he was bound to leave it her upon the conditions her friends made upon the Marriage; otherwiſe, I doubt he would have left 137 Nn2r 139137 left her poor enough, I mean as poor as he could leave her; for he and ſhe could never agree all the while they lived together; for ſhe being Married to him againſt her will, being forced by her Friends, he after he was Married grew croſs and unkind to her, as being jealous of her affection.

Under.

It. ſeems you are will acquainted with the Lady, and her particular affairs.

Obſerv.

I am better acquainted with her affairs, then her ſelf, by the acquaintance of her Atturney.

Under.

I would you were as well acquainted with her ſelf, as with her Atturney, then perchance you might have done me a Courteſie.

Exeunt.

Scene XXIII.

Enter two Old Court-Ladies.

Firſt Lady.

He is a very fine Gentleman, by my troth.

2 Lady.

There hath not been a more civil, nor better behaved Courtier, a great while.

Enter Monſieur Underward, being a Courtier.

1 Lady.

We were even now a talking of you.

Under.

Madam, I am not a Subject worthy of your Diſcourſe.

2 Lady.

I knew your Father, he was a worthy Gentleman, and kept a noble Houſe, gave great Entertainment,ment138 Nn2v 140138 ment, and I have been made very welcome there.

Under.

I wiſh I had the honour and abilities to make your Ladyſhips as welcome as my Father did.

2 Lady.

I’faith you would not make me ſo welcome, nor be ſo kind as your Father was.

Under.

It ſhould be no fault of my Will, whatſoever it might in my power.

Enter Madamoiſel Wanton, and a Maid of Honour; as ſhe enters ſhe ſings quavering, La, la, la, fa, la.

Want.

O MonſieurUnderward! I have been enquiring for you, of all I met with, for there is a new Play in the City, and you ſhall carry me to it; i’faith you ſhall.

Under.

Madam, your Commands are ſufficient without an Oath, to ſend me any where; and I am proud of being entertained in your ſervice.

1 Old Lady.

Fie! fie! you fond young Lady; you young Ladies ſurfet Mens affections.

Want.

Faith, Madam, that is, becauſe you are Old; but if you were as young as I, or when you were as young, your fondneſs, I believe, thought Men beyond Surfets; but wanton Age envies Youths freedom: Come Monſieur let us go.

Under.

Your Humble Servant, Ladies!

Exeunt Underward, and Madamoiſel Wanton. The Old Ladies Solæ.

1 Lady.

Did you ever ſee one ſo young, and ſo bold?

2 Lady.

Why, truly all Youth is ſo in this Age; there is 139Oo1r 141139 is hardly a modeſt Maid to be found.

1 Lady.

In our times it was otherwiſe; for then Maids were ſeen, and not heard.

2 Lady.

They were ſo; but now they are heard before they are ſeen.

Exeunt.

Scene XXIV.

Enter Converſant and Obſerver to Monſieur Underward.

MonſieurUnderward.

Converſant, I come to claim my wager, for I have won it.

Converſ.

I confeſs it alſo; I confeſs I did never judge ſo weakly in my life.

Under.

Faith, you were always peremptory, and as confident of your Judgement, as if you knew it would never miſs, when to my knowledg it ſeldom hits; for if you judge once right, you judge ten times falſe; and I, for once I judge falſe, I judge ten times right.

Converſ.

You brag now you have won a wager by your Judgment, but I have as much wit to judge on Conjectures, Probabilities, Perſons, or Buſineſs, as you.

Under.

Perchance, you have as much Wit as I, and more wiſdom then I, and far more good Nature then I; for it is your Wiſdom and good Nature, that makes you err in your Judgment; for you judge of Men and Oo Buſineſs 140Oo1v 142140 Buſineſs according to ſence, reaſon and honeſty, as what ought to be done, or may be done, diſcreetly imagining all Men in their actions and courſe of life, to do juſtly, honeſtly, judiciouſly, and as they ought to do, ſuppoſing that they underſtand their own affairs and Employments clearly, meaſure them evenly, weigh them juſtly, and that they order all their Buſineſs properly, timely, and fitly, judging moſt Men wiſe and honeſt; whereas, I judg moſt Men Fools or Knaves; Fools, becauſe they neither conceive rightly, nor underſtand clearly, nor propound rationally, nor conclude probably, nor act prudently; or that they are Knaves, who regard neither right, truth, nor juſtice, but act all for their ſelf-intereſt, although it ſhould be to the ruine of all honeſt Men, or to the ruine of the Commonwealth, ſo it may be any advantage to themſelves: And this Obſervation of Mankind makes me for the moſt part judge right; for I obſerve, That neither Nature, nor the gods, have given all Men, no nor moſt Men, either Wiſdom or Honeſty; for Honeſty is not a general gift; and as for Wiſdom it is ſo ſcarce in the World, as not one wiſe Man is born in an age; for though there be many fortunate Men, which ſeem like wiſe Men, yet they are but of Fortunes making, and not of Truths making; for true Wiſdom is like the Elixir, it is heard of, but not known: Wherefore, good Converſant, Judg not moſt Men to be Wiſe and Honeſt.

Converſ.

Well, hereafter I will judg all or moſt Men to141 Oo2r 143141 to be Fools, or Knaves, or both; and all their actions to be againſt all ſenſe and reaſon; and whatſoever falls out happily, is the act of Fortune; and whatſoever falls out unhappily, is through Mans folly, falſhood, or ignorance.

Enter Spend-all reading in a Paper-Book.

Converſ.

Jove bleſs me! Spend-all, can you read! or do you hold a piece of Printed paper in your hands, before your eyes, to make all the Paſſengers believe you can read?

Spend.

Why, do you think I cannot read, becauſe I cannot Conſtrue a piece of Latin?

Conveſ.

It is not that you cannot Conſtrue Latin, but becauſe you are ſo deboiſt, that I had thought you had never looked in a Book, or any written or printed Paper, ſince you had been a School-boy.

Spend.

I confeſs, I have not troubled reading much; but all the Shops, Streets, Houſes and Studies are ſo full of Pamphlets and Diurnals, as I cannot paſs by, or croud thorough them, unleſs I take up ſome to read.

Converſ.

’Tis a ſign, this Age is fill’d with lying News, or new Lyes; for in this Age, at leaſt in this Kingdom, there are many Pamphlet-Wits, and Diurnal-Hiſtories, which are moſt Lyes.

Obſerv.

There are as many Declarations and Petitions, as there are Pamphlets and Diurnals, which ſhews there be Eloquent Orators, that can make Eloquent Declarations and Petitions.

Spend. 142 Oo2v 144142

Spend.

’Tis true; but as for their Declarations, they have for the moſt part one ſtile, and much after one and the ſame way, only ſome words altered, according to the preſent ſubject; and as for their Petitions, the Wit of a whole County, or the whole Wit of a County in joyned to make one Petition.

Obſerv.

I confeſs, that half a ſheet of Paper, at moſt a whole ſheet, is as large as their Wit will reach; wherefore, it would be very ill fortune, if they were not good, ſince they are ſo ſhort.

Converſ.

But ſome Hiſtorians will gather them together, and make a great ſwell’d Hydropical Hiſtory of them.

Exeunt.

Scene XXV.

Enter Madam Ill-favoured, and Madamoiſel Wagtail.

Madam Ill-favoured.

Faith, Wagtail, I have been expecting you this half hour; yet I perceive you are not always as good as your word.

Wagt.

Faith, I could not help it; for the Ducheſs of Amors ſent me to ſeek out the Duke of Noeland, to tell him ſhe was gone to Madam la Gravities Chamber.

Ill-fav.

And did you find him?

Wagt.

Yes, I met him coming from the Emperor.

Enter 143 Pp1r 145143 Enter Madamoiſel Tell-tale, and Madam Spightful.

Ill-fav.

Madamoiſel Tell-tale, prithee for Jupiter’s fake run to the Ducheſs, and tell her I heard her Lord enquire for her; and ’twas told him ſhe was ſeen going to Madam la Gravities Lodging; for if her Husband finds her and the Duke of Noeland together, he will frown; wherefore, prithee run: Tell-tale runs out. Although on my Conſcience, he hath no reaſon to ſuſpect them.

Spight.

No, but our Husbands are jealous Men, and very miſtruſtful.

Exeunt.

Scene XXVI.

Enter Tom Diogenes, and another Man.

Man.

Tom, I hear thy Maſter is Married again to a very rich Lady.

Tom.

Yes, Faith; Fortune hath been a better Friend to my Maſter, then the Court of Wards.

Man.

Now thy Maſter hath ſuch great fortune, thou may’ſt grow rich.

Tom.

No, Faith, for when my Maſter Married his firſt Wife, he was ſo poor he had nothing to give me, and now he hath Married a rich Wife, I fear he will grow ſo covetous, as he will not part with any thing.

Man.

But rich Men uſe to be free and liberal.

Tom.

O no, for Men are bountiful, when they have no 144 Pp1v 146144 nothing to give, but ſparing when they have ſomething to keep.

Exeunt.

Scene XXVII.

Enter Monſieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes his Man. Written by my Lord Duke.

Tom Diogenes.

If I may be ſo bold, Sir, I wonder your Worſhip will leave the Court?

Under.

Nay, Tom, the Court leaves me.

Tom.

I dare anſwer for the Court, it will never leave your Worſhip as long as you have a peny; and when you have nothing, then ’tis time to leave you i’faith.

Under.

Wherefore, Tom, I will leave it whilſt I have pence.

Tom.

Where will you find ſo kind Friends in the Country? Courtiers will ſo ſmile on you to your face!

Under.

And laugh at me behind my back.

Tom.

In your preſence, what ſugar’d words they will give you?

Under.

And in my abſence, what wormwood and gall?

Tom.

How they will imbrace you?

Under.

And when they are from me, kick at my name.

Tom.

Nay, they will kiſs you.

Under.

A Judas-kiſs, to betray me.

Tom. 145 Pp2r 147145

Tom.

And when they ſee you, clap their hands for joy, a plaudite of welcome.

Under.

When out of ſight, out of Mind; or elſe like Snakes to hiſs me from their Stage.

Tom.

Nay, they will whiſper in your ear Court- Secrets.

Under.

Though there be none.

Tom.

And they will almoſt ſoftly ſpeak Treaſon in your ear.

Under.

Yes, and afterwards ſwear, that it was I ſpoke it unto them.

Tom.

Well Sir, for my part I never ſaw kinder people in my life.

Under.

When they uſe you kindeſt, then look to your ſelf, for then they have deceiv’d, or mean to deceive you; all is Intereſt and particular End, that is all the kindneſs and friendſhip they have.

Tom.

Intereſt is well, if they pay that, for they are never able to pay the Principal; but I aſſure your Worſhip if they give me good words to my face, I care not what they do when they are gone; back-biters are but back-ſnarlers: But where will your Worſhip have ſuch fine Clothes, a la mode Feathers, Miſtreſſes, gilt Coaches, Pages, Lacquies, Powders, Perfumes, Maskes, Playes, Balls, and a thouſand ſuch like Recreations? and in Winter time ſitting with a particular Lady upon a fine French bed by dim Candle light, having ſuch ſweet Converſation after ſighing, groaning, 146Pp2v 148146 groaning, profeſſing and proteſting with Lovers tears, and all for Loves Epilogue, which ſhe longs for as much as you, though ſhe makes it nice with tricks of Loves diſſembling; and will you loſe all theſe fine ſports for catching birds in the Country, or killing a timerous Hare.

Under.

For all you Court-delights, I’le have none, for in one day in the Country, live more harmleſs joys, then in years at Court, which heap up Alps of trouble.

Tom.

Well, it is your Worſhips pleaſure to go into the Country, and be Melancholy, converſing with Beaſts, Birds, and Trees, and to leave theſe Court- pleaſures for your rich Heir. Where what is left, he means to ſpend it,And in high Pleaſure there will end it. Wherefore, had not your Worſhip better take your pleaſure your ſelf? for after a Prodigal, comes a good Husband; for he is neceſſitated to it; and after a good Husband a Prodigal; for he is obliged to it; like the Weather, after fair comes foul, and after foul, fair: Wherefore, I beſeech your Worſhip for the good of your Family, ſpend moſt you have, and you ſhall have Pleaſure to boot.

Under.

No Sir, I am reſolved of my Courſe.

Tom.

The more is the pity, that good Counſel will not be taken, when it is ſo prudently given; but Gentlemen will run on to their ruin, I ſee it, the gods help them! for they will never be adviſed nor counſelled;ſelled, 147 Qq1r 149147 ſelled; but I beſeech your Worſhip here upon my Knees, that you will be pleaſed to ſpend moſt of your Eſtate for the good of your Poſterity; alas Sir! when you leave your Heir in the Golden wayes of Riches, in the vaſt Seas of good Fortune up to the Chin, leſt he ſhould be drown’d in the deluge of Happineſs; alas! Sir, he will ſtrive to ſwim, and then look you here, ſwimming he throws your Gold on that ſide, and on this ſide, with his hands and arms, and kicks your Gold with his legs, thighs, and feet, on that ſide and on this ſide, and all to ſave himſelf from drowning in this whirlpool of Proſperity; wherefore, I beſeech your Worſhip to leave as little as you can; for the good of your Houſe.

Under.

You are a Fooll, Children are but excuſes for Covetouſneſs; for it is ſtill for ones own ſake, that Men do every thing as the heat of humour and paſſion leads them; for I have known more covetous old Batchellors and childiſh Men, then any that have been Married, and had many Children; and let my Heir ſpend it in God’s Name, for he cannot take more pleaſure in ſpending of it, then I in getting of it; and therefore you Puppy, let us go.

Exit Monſieur Underward, Tom Solus.

Tom.

My Maſter leads me, for now I am his Puppy; but if my Maſter were blind, I would lead him, and be his Dog.

Qq Scene 148 Qq1v 150148

Scene XXVIII.

Enter Monſieur Underward, his two Brothers, and two Siſters.

Monſieur Underward.

Brothers and Siſters, I ſent for you, to invite you to my Wedding-feaſt, and alſo to come home and live with me; and ſince Heaven hath ſent me a rich Wife, I will juſtly perform my Fathers will, and give thoſe Portions he did allot for you.

Impoveriſhed.

Brother, as Heaven hath given you a rich and beautiful Wife, ſo Heaven hath given me a rich and gallant Man to my Husband, for I am Married to Monſienur Lover, my Lady’s Brother.

2 Brothers.

And we will go a Wooing, and try if Fortune will give us rich Wives.

Younger Sist.

I have neither Heaven, nor Fortune to my Friend; for Fortune did place me ill, and cauſed my honeſt induſtry and faithful ſervice to be rewarded with ſharp words, and cruel blows; Heaven hath forſaken Innocency, and left it to ſuffer diſgrace.

She Weeps.

Under.

Be patient Siſter, I will either recover your Honour, or deſtroy your Enemy, or die my ſelf.

Enter Monſieur Jealouſie, the younger Sister’s Servant.

Jealouſ.

O Miſtreſs, forgive me, and take me into your favour again, or I die.

Young 149 Qq2r 151149

Young. Sist.

I can forgive you, but never love you more.

Jealouſ.

Marry me, and then try to love afterwards.

Young. Sist.

I ſhall not dare to Marry a Man that ſhall, or can have any ſuſpition of me, unleſs my actions prove me falſe and wicked.

Jealouſ.

Dear Siſterir, ſpeak for me, I confeſs my fault, repent, ask pardon; and promiſe never to do ſo again.

Under.

What ſay you, Brothers, may we in honour perſwade approximately 3 wordsdeleted our Siſter to Marry this Gentleman, and receive him into our Family?

Jealouſ.

Gentlemen, the greateſt Sins repented of, Heaven pardons.

2 Brothers.

Brother, this Gentleman is nobly born, honourably bred, hath a great Eſtate, and is a proper Man.

Under.

Well, I perceive, Brothers, you are for him; Sir, I will try all the power of an Elder Brother, to perſwade her not only to Marry you, but to love you, which I am very confident ſhe will, being vertuous and good natur’d, and will love you as well, if not better then ever ſhe did.

Exeunt.
Scene 150 Qq2v 152150

Scene XXIX.

Enter Monſieur Underward, and Tom Diogenes his Man. Written by my Lord Duke.

Tom Diogenes.

Ibeſeech your Worſhip to give me leave once more to adviſe you from the Country; alaſs Sir, will you change your Organ for a Ba-pipe, your Harpſichord, for a Cymba; your Viol, for a Country Fiddle, or a Welſh Croud; a grave Iriſh Harp, with the Harper that ſees what he doth, for a blind Harper with Cats-guts that whirles in the noſe, as if it had the Pox; or a Spaniſh Gythar, to play a Saraband a la mode; with Knacking Caſtagnetas for a Country Gythar, that ſounds like a Tub; and your rare Italian ſongs with Trilloes for Lancelot du Lake, a Carole, or a Waſſel-bowl Song, with ſome edifying Ballets; and will you change your Corrants, Sarabands and Bralles, for Scotch Jiggs, Hornpipes and Rounds? look before you leap, I beſeech your Worſhip.

Under.

It is all in vain, good Tom; for I am reſolved your twinkling device ſhall not ſtay me.

Tom.

But pray hear an old Servant; will you change a Spaniſh Olia, for boil’d Beef and Cabbage? a French Bisk for Brewis and Beef-broth for buttered Eggs with hot Pepper upon them? and all the Dainties of Sea or Pond-Fiſh, for a Dace or a Gougeon in the Country, and 151 Rr1r 153151 and all Curioſity of Dreſſing ſo Metamorphoſed as you ſhall not know what you eat? and for fruit, change your Muſmelons for a Pompion? your moſt curious Sallads for Onions and Garlick? all your choice Fruits for Crabs? and all your Confectionaries for ſtarcht Carrowaies, or purging Comfits, becauſe you buy them of Country Apothecaries? I beſeech your Worſhip have ſome mercy of your ſelf, and leave not the delicious Wines, and the ſweet juice of Grapes for ſtrong Darby-Ale, fah! how it ſmells of the Malt, for they put no Water to it, nothing but ſqueezed Malt, Sir, which inflames the Country Noſes.

Under.

Tom, I do not taſt your advice by no means, no not at all.

Tom.

Sir, I muſt be bold ſtill to put you in mind not to leave the Court: Will you change your ſweet Spaniſh Gloves, for Dogs Leather-Gloves in the Country, that ſmell of the dreſſing? your Spaniſh Perfumes for choaking Juniper? your Jeſſamin and Orange- Flowers, for a Poſie of Dock-leaves, Dayſies and Thime; and your ſweet Pomander, for an Orange ſtuck with Cloves, for a Token to your Dairy-Maid? ſweet Powder, for the duſt of a Country High-way, to put you in mind of your Mortality, duſt to duſt? Good Sir, think of it, be kind to your ſelf.

Under.

Tom, I ſmell out your advice to be none of the beſt Counſel.

Rr Tom. 152 Rr1v 154152

Tom.

One word more, I beſeech your Worſhip: Will you change your fine Damask Linnen for Country Huſwives Cloth, to rub off your Worſhips fine skin? it may pleaſure thoſe that have the Itch: Or will you leave touching the ſmooth Billiard-balls, to handle Nettles? or the Cold or Chryſtal balls, for Fus-balls in the Country? and to leave the glorious apparel’d Lady for a Waſtcoatier in the Country? the Ladies ſilk-Stockins, for Woollen-Stockins in the Country? rich Garters and Roſes, for Garters of Liſt of Cloth? rich laced Shoos for wet-Leather-Shoos tyed with points? imbroider’d rich Satin Petticoats for Stamel- Petticoats, perfumed too much with the natural Titillation? either this will ſtay your Worſhip, or nothing; if this take not I am in diſpair.

Under.

Good Tom, it doth not touch upon me at all; but prithee ſince thou art ſuch a Clown, what makes thee love the Court ſo?

Tom.

Troth, I’le tell you Sir; I am as it were given a little to idleneſs; wherefore, I find it the fitteſt place for me in the World, Sir; beſides, Sir, with his Majeſties loyal Subjects, and falſe Officers below Stairs, I can be drunk when I will at his Majeſties charge, of the beſt Wine; and being provident, and having the diſeaſe of good fellowſhip upon me, being a poor Man, it would undo me, Sir, and eat me out of Houſe and Home; but Providence is above all things, it diſtinguiſhes betwixt the wiſe Men, and the Fools.

Under. 153 Rr2r 155153

Under.

Come, Tom, there is ſomething elſe in it, that makes thee ſo earneſt.

Tom.

No indeed, Sir, nothing to ſpeak of.

Under.

But there is, and therefore tell me.

Tom.

Truly then, (under the Roſe) the Mother of the Maids ſends me often about her moſt ſerious and important Buſineſs, and caſts ſuch a loving eye at me; ſaying, Sweet Tom, I do ſo trouble thee, but as thou loves me, fetch me a quart of Milk, or ſo, to make a Poſſet; and giving me ſuch a loving Nip with her hand, ſaying, Sweet Tom, go: Now your Worſhip knows not what this may come to, I being a lazie fellow and pritty handſom, and ſhe a virtuous Lady, we may commit Matrimony, who knows? and with her Motherly care, and my Fatherly duty, we may do your Worſhip a pleaſure, one way or another.

Under.

You flatter your ſelf, Tom.

Tom.

No Sir, ſhe flatters me.

Under.

I thought there was another deadly Sin in it.

Tom.

Truly, Sir, I find myſelf very Gentleman-like of late, ſo as I mean to have the other five deadly Sins.

Under.

You are a Fool, Tom.

Tom.

O ſweet Mother!

The 154 Rr2v

The Actors Names in the Presence.

Two Gentlemen..

Monſieur

Converſant,

Obſervant,

Mode,

Spend-all,

Courtiers.

Princeſsand herGoverneſs.

Madamoiſel

Wagtail,

Self-conceit,

Wanton.

Quick-wit,

Baſhful,

Gentlewomen.

The Mother of the Maids.

Fool.

Monſieur Wedlock.

The Sayler.

A Jayler.

The Interlocutors Names in the Scenes join’d to the Preſence

Monſieur Buyer.

Monſieur Seller.

MonſieurUnderward, and Diogeneshis Man.

MonſieurUnderward’sBrothers and Siſters.

Two Gentlemen..

Madam Civility.

The Lord Loyalty, a Courtier.

Madam

Ill-favourd,

Spightful,

Controverſie,

Ill-natur’d.

Court-Ladies.

Madam Impoveriſh’ed,

Monſieur Underwards eldeſt Siſter

A younger Siſter of his, and Monſieur Jealouſieher Servant.

Monſieur Lover, Servant to Madam Impoveriſhed.

Madam Petitioner, and a Gentleman-Uſher.

Two Old Court-Ladies.