1 B1r 1

The Bridals.

A Comedy.

Act I. Scene I.

Enter Monſieur Take-pleaſure and Monſieur Adviſer, and meet Monſieur . Facil.

Monſieur Adviſer

Monſ. Facil, Where have you been ſo early this morning, abroad?

Facil

I have been at Church, to ſee a young Virgin and a Batchellor married to day.

Take-pleaſ

How do you know ſhe is a Virgin?

Facil

By her modeſt Countenance.

Take-pleaſ

Faith, Women have more modeſty in B their 2B1v 2 their countenance, then in their natures; wherefore you may be deceived by her countenance; for Womens countenances, like falſe glaſſes, make their minds appear fairer then they are; for a modeſt countenance may have a wanton mind.

Facil

But this Brides countenance was ſo modeſt, I wiſh that I had been her Bridegroom.

Adviſer

Would you have married her only for her modeſt countenance?

Facil

Yes, for a modeſt countenance is the greateſt Beauty in my eye.

Adviſer

Faith, that Beauty never laſts above a day, nay, an hours acquaintance fadeth it, two hours wither it, and in three hours it is quite vaniſh’d away.

Facil

Some Women have modeſt countenances and natures all their life-time.

Adviſer

Their life muſt be very ſhort, if it laſt no longer then their modeſty; ’Tis true, Women have feigned modeſty, but not real modeſty; for they put on modeſty, as they do paint, the one to make them appear fairer, the other to make them appear chaſter then they are.

Facil

You do not deſerve either a modeſt, or chaſt Woman.

Adviſer

Faith, I hate both modeſty and chaſtity in Women; for modeſty and chaſtity are enemies to the Maſculine Sex, and worſe then a Cloiſter, as being more reſtraint.

Facil. 3 B2r 3

Facil

Well, leaving Modeſty, Chaſtity and Cloiſters, will you go to the Bridal-Houſe?

Adviſer

Yes, for I believe there will be liberty and choice.

Facil

There will be two choice Brides.

Take-pleaſ

Why, hath one Man married two Women?

Facil

No, but two Men have married two Women; for there are two Brides and two Bridegrooms.

Adviſer

It had been better that one Bridegroom had two Brides, for then he might have ſpar’d one for a Friend.

Facil

It had not been better for you, unleſs you had been that Friend to receive that Courteſie.

Takepleaſ

I would have endeavour’d with all the Rhetorick I have, and all the Proteſtations I could make, and all the Oaths I could ſwear, to make him believe I was his Friend, that he might be my Friend.

Facil

Come, come, they would have done thee no ſervice.

Adviſer

But I might have done him ſervice, at leaſt to his ſpare-Bride; but who are thoſe that are Married?

Facil

Sir John Amorous, to the Lady Coy; and Sir William Sage, to the Lady Vertue.

Exeunt. Enter Mr. Long-life, and Mr. Aged.

Aged

Mr. Longlife, I am glad to ſee you look ſo well, and that you are ſtrong and luſty.

Longl

So am I to ſee you ſo, good Maſter Aged.

Aged

I thank God, though I am old, I feel no ſtitches.

Longl. 4 B2v 4

Longl

Beſhrew me, I feel ſome ſtitches now and then

Aged

O! that is nothing, for the youngeſt and ſtrongeſt Man of them all, will feel ſtitches ſometimes.

Longl

I rather wiſh the young Men did feel them, then I, for they are better able to endure them; but what News do you hear Mr. Aged?

Aged

Faith, none that is good, or that is worth the hearing.

Longl

It is a ſign the times are bad, the times are bad.

Aged

Men are ſo evil, Mr. Longlife, that the times muſt needs be ſo.

Longl

The times were better when we were young.

Aged

We thought them ſo, being young; for young Men have not much experience, nor long acquaintance of the World; they endeavour to know, and be acquainted with the Vices in the World, though not the Vertues.

Longl

Faith, Vertue is rather talked of, then known, at leaſt thenp rn practiſed.

Aged

Indeed Men preach Vertue, but practiſe Vice.

Longl

’Tis ſuch old Men as we are, that are the Preachers, and young Men the Practitioners.

Aged

Yes, evil young Men ſay, That old Men preach Vertue, when they are paſt practiſing Vice.

Longl

Indeed young Men deſpiſe old Men’s Counſels and Advice, and will believe nothing they ſay, untill they live to be old themſelves, and then they ſee their paſt-follies, and think themſelves only wiſe, becauſe they are old.

Aged. 5 C1r 5

Aged

Then all Men think themſelves wiſe, if young Men think themſelves wiſer then old Men, and old Men think themſelves wiſer then young Men.

Longl

’Tis true, they do ſo; and the ſame way Men think other Men Fools; for young Men think old Men Fools, and old Men think young Men Fools.

Aged

Nay, old Men do more then think young Men Fools, for they know young Men are Fools; for ’tis impoſſible they can be wiſe, for wiſdom is not born with Men, nor left to Men as Inheritances are.

Longl

No By’rlady, they muſt be bound Apprentices to Time, and ſerve Time many years, before they can be wiſe Men.

Aged

Well, let us leave fooliſh young Men to Time, and let you and I go take the freſh air for Health.

Longl

With all my heart, let us go.

Exeunt. Enter the Brides and Bridegrooms, and all the Bridal Guests, Sir Mercury, Poet one of the Bride-Men, and the Lady Fancy one of the Bride-Maids, that helps to lead one of the Brides to the Church.

Adviſer

Gentlemen Bridegrooms, we muſt rifle your Brides of their Bride-Garters.

Sir J. Amorous

If it be the cuſtom, I ſubmit.

Sage

But I will not agree to ſuch an uncivil cuſtom, for no man ſhall pull off my Wives Garters, unleſs it be my ſelf.

C Vertue. 6 C1v 6

Vertue

We have pull’d off our Garters already, and therefore if theſe Batchellor-Gentlemen, will have them, we will ſend for them.

Facil

Pray Ladies let us have them, for the Bride- Garters are the young Batchellors fees.

Courtly

Since we muſt not rifle for their Garters, let us caſt Dice for them.

Takepleaſ

Content.

M. Mediator

The Bridegrooms points being our fees, therefore we muſt rifle for the points.

Sir W. Sage

If you pleaſe Ladies, we are ready to be rifled.

The Women offer to take off the Points, but Lady Vertue hinders them.

Vertue

Ladies, pray ſtay, for it is the cuſtom, not to unpoint the Bridegrooms, until they be ready to go to bed.

Sir W. Sage

I am ready to go to Bed, if the Ladies pleaſe.

One of the Female-Gueſts

No, we will ſtay till Night.

Exeunt all, only two of the Ladies.

1 Lady

The Lady Coy is one of the moſt modeſt and baſhful Brides that ever I ſaw; in ſo much, as ſhe is aſhamed to look upon her Bridegroom.

2 Lady

Some of her modeſty ought to be reſerved, or elſe ſhe. will have none left for to morrow.

1 Lady

Why, doth Modeſty waſt like a Watchcandle, a night?

2 Lady

Yes, faith, it is a light that ſoon goes out, or rather a ſhadow that ſoon vaniſhes.

1 Lady. 7 C2r 7

1 Lady

Then the Lady Vertue has no ſhadows, for ſhe appears neither baſhful, nor bold; but ſhe is both in her Behaviour and Countenance like a Bridal-Gueſt, rather then a Bride.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter the Brides, Bridegrooms, and all their Bridal-Gueſts, Men and Women.

Sir John Amorous

Pray let us not dance, but go to bed.

M. Mediator

That will be an injury to your Bridal- Gueſts, to rob them of their Mirth and Muſick, by going to bed ſo ſoon.

L. Vertue

No, Ladies, we will dance; Muſick, play.

The Muſick plays, and they dance; Sir John Amorous kiſſes his Bride, and Courts her with ſmiles and amorous looks.

Sir W. Sage

Gentlemen, and Ladies, for Heavens ſake, have mercy upon two languiſhing Bridegrooms, and leave off dancing for this time.

M. Mediator

Have I found you out, Sir William Sage!

Sir W. Sage

I was never hid, Madam.

M. Mediator

Yes, but you were; for now I perceive you would go to bed with your Bride.

Sage. 8 C2v 8

Sage

I ſhall not need to obſcure my deſires, Madam, for it is lawful for any Man to lie with his own wife.

Mediator

You are a Wag, you are a Wag, Sir William.

Sage

No Madam, for to be a Wag, is to be unſeaſonably wanton, which I am not.

Amorous

Faith, this Dancing is unſeaſonable, therefore fair Ladies, attend the fair Brides to bed.

Female Guests

Come, Lady Coy, we will help to undreſs you.

Coy

No truly, but you ſhall not, for I will not go to bed.

They ſeem earnest to have her to bed, and ſhe to ſtay.

Sage

What is the matter, Ladies, will not you let our Brides go to bed?

Female Gueſts

We deſire to wait on them, and to help to undreſs them, but the Lady Coy will not go to bed.

Sage

Then pray go with my Bride.

One of the Ladies

Yes, if ſhe pleaſe to go to bed.

Sage

Wife will not you go to bed?

Vertue

Yes, if you pleaſe to have me.

Sage

’Tis my deſire.

Exit Lady Vertue, and ſome of the Ladies with her: Sir John Amorous comes and kiſſes his Bride.

Amorous

Pray go to Bed.

Coy

Pray let me ſtay here.

Adviſer

Faith, ſhe would be carried to bed; carry your Wife to bed, Sir John Amorous.

Amo- 9 D1r 9

Amorous

Not againſt her will, although againſt her conſent.

Adviſer

In words you mean.

Amorous

Come, Sweet-heart, I will uſher you into your Chamber.

Exit Sir John Amorous, leading his Bride, who ſeems very unwilling to go, all the Company goeth with them, only Adviſer and Facil ſtay; Facil fetches a ſigh.

Facil

O how happy a man is Sir John Amorous! and how unhappy a man am I!

Adviſer

Perchance two days hence, Sir J.John Amorous will think himſelf as unhappy, as you think your ſelf now, for a great ſurfeit is as bad as a ſharp hunger.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter the Lady Vertue as in her Chamber, with ſome other female Gueſts; ſhe ſeems to undreſs her ſelf.

Lady Vertue

Pray Ladies help to undreſs me.

M. Mediator

That we will.

They unpin her Gorget.

M. Mediator

Shall we fling the Stockins when you and your Bridegroom are a bed?

D L. Vertue. 10 D1v 10

L. Vertue

Yes, if you pleaſe, Ladies.

M. Mediator

And ſhall we break the Bride-Cake over your head?

L. Vertue

I muſt intreat you to omit that cuſtom, as alſo ſetting a Sack-poſſet upon the bed; for the crumbs of Cake and drops of Poſſet, will be very ill bedfellows; beſides, it is not a cleanly Cuſtom; but I have given order that all ſuch Junkets ſhall be provided for you in another room, to make you merry, when I and my Husband are a bed.

M. Mediator

So I perceive, you will ſend us away, as ſoon as you can.

L. Vertue

I’le leave your ſtaying, or going away, to your own diſcretion.

Enter a Maid-Servant.

Servant

Madam, your Bridegroom hath ſent to know, whether you be in Bed.

L. Vertue

I ſhall be in a ſhort time, tell him: Come Ladies, let us go into the Bed-chamber.

Exeunt. Enter Sir John Amorous, and his Bride, with the rest of the Female-Gueſts.

Sir J. Amorous

Ladies, I ſhall leave my Bride with you, to help her to bed.

Exit Sir J.John Amorous.

M. Mediator

Come, Lady Coy, to morrow you will be Lady Amorous.

1 Lady

Why, do Wives never take their Husbands name till the day after Marriage?

M. Mediator

No, for the firſt day, they neither are called by their own, nor their Husbands name; but are called 11D2r 11 called Brides, as an Interlude between both.

2 Lady

Come, come, undreſs the Bride.

M. Mediator

That we will ſoon do.

L. Coy

I will not be undreſt.

1 Lady

What, Lady, will you lie in your Clothes?

M. Mediator

If ſhe will lie in her Clothes, it will neither be eaſie, convenient, nor cleanly; but come, come, Lady we will undreſs you.

They offer to undreſs her, but ſhe puts them back.

L. Coy

I will not be undreſt.

M. Mediator

Lady, give me leave to ask you, whether you married your Gown or your Perſon to your Husband?

L. Coy

My Perſon.

M. Mediator

Then pull off your Gown, and go unclothed to bed.

L. Coy

I would undreſs me, but I am aſhamed to lie with a Man.

M. Mediator

That ſhame is very unneceſſary at this time; wherefore caſt it off with your Clothes.

L. Coy

I am afraid to lie by a Man.

M. Mediator

That fear is an effeminate fear, and will not laſt long; wherefore undreſs, undreſs, for Loves ſake.

L. Coy

I muſt go, and ſay my Prayers firſt.

M. Mediator

Faith, Jove will diſpence, with a Bride one night; the truth is, Bridal-Prayers are irreligious.

Enter a Maid in hast.

Maid

Here comes the Bridegroom and all the Gentlemen attending him.

L. Coy. 12 D2v 12

L. Coy

O! ſhut the door, ſhut the door, for Jupiters ſake.

The Scene to ſhut the door, the Men knock.

Adviſer

Open the Door, and let the Bridegroom in.

M. Mediator

He cannot come as yet, the Bride’s not a bed.

Sir J. Amorous

Let me come in, or I’le break open the door.

L. Coy

O keep him out, or I ſhall die for fear.

1 Lady

You ſhall not come, until we pleaſe.

Facil

Let us come, or we will enter by force.

1 Lady

You ſhall not, for we will defend the breach.

Courtly

With what? with what?

2 Lady

With our Tongues and Armes.

Courtly

Your Tongues are pointleſs and edgleſs, and your Armes are weak defences.

M. Mediator

You ſhall find them otherwiſe; but pray Sir J.John Amorous carry away your unruly Regiment, and we will promiſe you upon our words, and honours, that as ſoon as the Bride is in Bed, we will come to you and give you notice, then uſher you into the Bride-bed, with Epithalamiums.

Sir J. Amorous

Upon condition that you will be ſpeedy, I will depart.

Ladies

We will, we will: Come Lady Coy to bed, to bed, for ſhame.

Exeunt. Scene
13 E1r 13

Scene IV.

Enter Sir William Sage, with all the Gedntlemen, his Bridal-Gueſts, paſſing over the Stage, and going away again; after them comes Sir John Amorous, as going to bed in his Night-Gown, Madam Mediator and the Ladies uſher him, and when he paſſes, this Epithalamium is ſung.

Written by my Lord Duke.

Epithalamium.

Now at the Door

You’l stand no more,

But enter the Bridal-bed:

Where you will prove

The Sweets of Love

With God Hymen’s banquet fed.

Then Noble Knight

Put out the Light,

Her flaming Eyes will guide you;

And in her Armes

Thoſe Circled Charmes

In Wedlock’s Iſlands hide you.

Now all the joyes

Of Girles and Boyes,

Of ſweeter pledges ſend you,

And know no ſtrife

’Twixt Man and Wife,

But all the Bleſſings ſend you.

Exeunt. E Enter 14 E1v 14 Enter Madam Fancy, and Sir Mercury Poet, coming out of the Bridal-Chamber together.

Mercury

Madam Fancy do not you wiſh to be a Bride, and that this night were your Wedding night?

Fancy

I ſhould be well content to be a Bride, and to have a Wedding day, conditionly the day would laſt to the end of my life; but miſtake me not, I mean for the length of the day, not ſhortneſs of life.

Mercury

I perceive you would have no ſleeping time.

Fancy

You miſtake, I would have no Wedding night.

Exeunt.

Act II. Scene I.

Enter Facil and Adviſer.

Adviſer

But are you ſeriouſly in love with the Lady Coy, the now Lady Amorous?

Facil

Yes ſeriouſly, but I may deſpair I ſhall never compaſs my deſires.

Adviſer

Faith, it is not probable you ſhould obtain them, but yet you had beſt try.

Facil

That were but to plunge my ſelf deeper into an unfortunate love.

Adviſer

But a wiſe Man will omit no induſtry to compaſs his deſires, neither do the Gods aſſiſt idle and cowardly Men.

Facil. 15 E2r 15

Facil

But ſhe is not only new Married, but ſo guarded with Modeſty and Vertue, as unlawful love cannot get audience, much leſs a favour.

Adviſer

Faith, if I were you, I would try in deſpite of her Modeſty and Vertue.

Facil

I dare not.

Adviſer

Fie! a Lover and a Coward! when the worſt is but to be denied; but yet I would take many denials, before I would deſiſt of my Suit; and if you do not purſue it, you partly deny your ſelf.

Facil

How ſhould I make my love known unto her?

Adviſer

By ſome Lady confident, or ſhe-ſervant Favourite; as alſo by Complemental Letters, and Love- Verſes made in her praiſe; beſides, making Balls and Collations to entertain her.

Facil

I’le take your Counſel.

Enter Mimick in hast.

Adviſer

But ſtay, here comes Mimick the Lady Amorous Fool, who will be the fitteſt of all for this Employment; I’le ſpeak to him: Stay, ſtay, honeſt friend, and let us ſpeak a word or two.

Mimick goes on in haſt.

Mimick

God be with you, Sir.

Adviſer

But will not you ſtay, a word or two?

Mimick

Sir, I have ſtay’d twice two, that is four; nay by the Maſs it was ſix at leaſt; for you have asked me twice to ſtay, till you ſpeak a word or two, and a word, and a word, and two and two is ſix, by my Cal- 16E2v 16 Calculation; and if you ſpeak a word and two more, it will make three times three, that is juſt nine, the Golden Number, if I be not miſtaken.

Adviſer

You are right, friend.

Mimick

A right friend is a great friend, and a great friend is a good friend; and ſo God be with you, Sir.

Adviſer

Nay ſtay and tell me, are not you the Lady Amorous Mimick?

Mimick

No truly, Sir, I am the Lady Vertue’s Mimick, and the Lady Amorous Fool.

Adviſer

What, do you ſerve both the Ladies?

Mimick

I am at both the Ladies ſervice, Sir; God help me and give me Grace to pleaſe them well.

Adviſer

Thou art an honeſt fellow.

Mimick

But an honeſt fellow cannot ſerve two Miſtreſſes, the more the pity!

Adviſer

But you may ſerve this Gentleman, and he will ſerve thee; for if thou will but conveigh Letters, or can any way bring him to the private ſpeech of the Lady Amorous, he will reward you bountifully.

Mimick

I like the reward well; but I do not ſerve the Lady Amorous, but the Lady Vertue; but ſhe being my Ladies Friend, and her Maid my Friend, I ſhall do my endeavour to deſerve his gifts.

Exit Mimick.

Adviſer

Faith, I doubt not, but our deſign will go on well.

Facil

I wiſh it may.

Exit 17 F1r 17 Exit Facil at one door, and Adviſer at another, who meets Take-pleaſure as in haſt.

Adviſer

Whether away ſo faſt, Take-pleaſure?

Take-pleaſ

I am going to a Company of Ladies that have ſent for me.

Adviſer

Let me go with you; for one Man can never pleaſe a company of Ladies; and ſurely it ſeems they are in great diſtreſs, otherwiſe they would not have ſent for you in ſuch haſt.

Take-pleaſ

Not ſent for me! why, what do you think of me?

Adviſer

Why, I think you are a good fellow, and love a Miſtreſs well; but I do not think you the Grand Signior.

Take-pleaſ

If I were, you ſhould not come near my Seraglio.

Adviſer

But let me go with thee to theſe Ladies, for they are not in a Seraglio, nor never will be; they love their liberty ſo well.

Take-pleaſ

I am content, upon condition, you do not ſo much as look upon thoſe Ladies I court.

Adviſer

But how if theſe Ladies look upon me?

Take-pleaſ

Yes, there is the miſchief; therefore you ſhall not go.

Adviſer

But if you let me go, I’le promiſe you, I’le wink to thoſe Ladies that look on me.

Take-pleaſ

Winking is more dangerous then if you ſhould plainly woo them; for winking is a kind of F Woo- 18F1v 18 Wooing, and will win a Lady as ſoon as words will do.

Adviſer

Then I will ſhut both my eyes.

Take-pleaſ

That will be worſe, for that will put them in mind of going to bed; it will be like ſleeping.

Adviſer

Prithee let me go, and order me as you will.

Take-pleaſ

Wellcome, and as we go I’le tell you, how you ſhall behave your ſelf to thoſe Ladies.

Adviſer

I will be govern’d according to your inſtructions.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter M.MadamMediator, and the Female-Gueſts, the day after the Wedding, to the Lady Amorous, who ſits in a ſhaded place, and Curtains drawn about her, a Maid ſtands by.

M. Mediator

Where is the Lady Coy, the now Lady Amorous?

Maid

There; my Lady is within thoſe Curtains.

M. Mediator

Why are you ſo benighted, as to have your Curtains drawn ſo darkly about you?

L. Amorous

I do not love the light.

M. Mediator

Are you faln out with the light?

L. Amorous

In truth I am aſhamed to ſee the light.

M. Mediator

Aſhamed! let’s ſee your face, whether you bluſh or not?

The 19 F2r 19 The Lady offers to draw the Curtain, the Lady Amorous endeavours to hold it, and hideth her ſelf behind it.

L. Amorous

O fie! for Cupid and Venus ſake do not look upon me, for if you do, I ſhall die with bluſhing.

Ladies

Come, come, we will ſee you.

L. Amorous

I’le rather run away.

She runs away, the Ladies follow her, and meet the Lady Vertue.

M. Mediator

Madam, we were a going to ſee how you appear, ſince you are a Wife.

L. Vertue

I hope I do not appear worſe then I did, when I was a Maid; for I have not been Married ſo long as to have Children, Cares and Troubles, to decay my Youth and Beauty.

M. Mediator

No, but we did imagine you would have been as moſt Brides are, ſhame-faced, and out of Countenance.

L. Vertue

Why ſo, ſince Marriage is lawful, honeſt, and honourable? for if Marriage had been an act, that deſerves a bluſh, I would not have Married.

2 Lady

But the Lady Coy, the now Lady Amorous, your fellow-Bride, is ſo out of Countenance, and doth ſo bluſh, as ſhe is aſham’d to appear in the light, and is forced to ſhut her eyes through ſhame, when her Husband looks upon her.

L. Vertue

Why, hath ſhe deceived her Husband? was ſhe not a Virgin when ſhe Married, that ſhe is ſo out of Countenance as not to return her Husbands looks?

2 Lady? 20 F2v 20

2 Lady

No, it is, that ſhe is ſo extream modeſt.

L. Vertue

Modeſty is only aſhamed of diſhoneſty, and not of that, which is honeſt to the Laws of God, Nature, and all civil Nations and People; but to anſwer for my ſelf, if my Husband approves, likes, and is pleaſed with me, I have no reaſon to be out of Countenance; and I hope my Vertue is ſuch, as not to be aſhamed of the light: But come Ladies, I have prepared a Banquet, to which I invite you, to join with me in rejoicing at my happy Union.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Monſieur Adviſer, and Monſieur Facil, to Monſieur Courtly, who is ſitting at the Table, and writing.

Monſieur Adviſer

What! writing!

Courtly

I am caſting up ſome Accounts.

Adviſer

Faith, I will ſee what a good Husband you are.

He takes up the Paper.

Courtly

That Paper is the account of yeſterday’s expence.

Adviſer

I can judge by a day’s expence a week’s, and by a week’s a year’s.

Courtly

That you cannot, for ſome days and weeks are more expenſive then others.

Adviſer. 21 G1r 21

Adviſer

Faith, at the years end ſeveral ſums comes to one and the ſame yearly ſum, as ſo much yearly ſpent.

Courtly

Indeed for the moſt part it doth.

Adviſer

Leave your talking, and let me read your Expences, this is the yeſterday’s expence; let me ſee, here is the account of the expence of Uſhering four Ladies.

  • Imprimis, To a Sexton, to place four Ladies in ſeveral Pews in a Puritan Church, to hear a holy Brother preach, 2 Crowns.
  • Item, For Sillibubs in the Park for thoſe Ladies, 20 s.
  • For two little baskets of Cherries, that hold ſome dozen Cherries a piece, but the firſt of this year, 15 s.
  • To the Keeper of the Park-gate, half a Crown.
  • Item. for Cheeſecakes and Rhenniſh-Wine in the fine Garden for thoſe Ladies, 20 s.
  • To a Fortune-teller, to tell thoſe Ladies their Fort uunes, 40 s.
  • Alſo to the Door-keeper of the Garden, half a Crown.
  • Item. for a Supper for thoſe Ladies at my Lodgings, 5 l.
  • To the Muſick, 3 l.
  • For Torches to light thoſe Ladies home to their Lodgings, 5 ſhill.
  • The total comes to 13 l. 15 s.

You might have ſaved the 5 s. for Torch-light, by keeping thoſe Ladies all night in your Lodgings.

Courtly

I ſhould have been a loſer by that thrift.

G Facil. 22 G1v 22

Facil

But do you ſpend every day thus much on Ladies?

Courtly

Not every day, but moſt days I do.

Adviſer

And after one and the ſame manner, and in the ſame places, and with the ſame Ladies?

Courtly

No, I have variety for my money.

Facil

Why, that is ſome comfort to you, and pleaſure to the Ladies; but will it hold out?

Courtly

No, faith, for neither my purſe nor perſon will hold out; wherefore I muſt leave off to play the Gentleman-uſher to Ladies, and go into the Country.

Adviſer

You had better be the fore-horſe in a Cart, then firſt Gentleman-uſher in a Coach; uſhering is ſo laborious; beſides, the intollerable charge; in ſo much that you may with leſs expence maintain a whole Village of Country Wives with their Daughters and Maidſervants, then entertain one Lady; moreover, thoſe Villages will ſerve you, when as you are forced through civility to ſerve the Ladies.

Courtly

You ſay true; therefore I’le go into the Country.

Adviſer

But will not thoſe Ladies follow you?

Courtly

I cannot tell.

Adviſer

Let me tell you, That is to be conſider’d; and I would not have you go into the Country, for I and the reſt of your friends would be ſorry to loſe your Company.

Courtly

Faith, the Ladies ingroſs me ſo much, as I have 23G2r 23 have no time to ſay my Prayers, or to think of my ſelf, much leſs to keep Company with my friends.

Fa

It ſeems you do not take the Ladies to be your friends.

Courtly

If they be, they are very troubleſome, and chargeable friends, which Friends, I could be well content to be quit off, if I could tell how or which way.

Adviſer

There be a hundred wayes to ſhake off thoſe Ladies, if you will.

Courtly

No faith, I cannot; for they ſtick as cloſe as burres, unleſs I ſhould rudely quarrel with them, and baſely raile againſt them; and if I did, it would be a queſtion ſtill whether I ſhould be quit of them?

Adviſer

Let me adviſe you, how you may civilly be quit of them.

Courtly

I ſhall gladly follow your advice.

Adviſer

Do not viſit them, out of ſome pretence you are not well.

Courtly

If I do not viſit them, they’l viſit me.

Adviſer

Then pretend ſome Law-ſuit.

Courtly

Faith, they will follow me, and go to all the Courts of Judicature, to hear my Cauſe pleaded and judged.

Adviſer

Then go to a Tavern every day, they will not follow you thither.

Courtly

Yes faith, ſome of them will, at leaſt to the Tavern door in their Coaches to require my Company; but howſoever, they will ſend meſſenger after meſſenger to haſten me to them, pretending earneſt buſineſs; and when I come, ’tis either to uſher them to a Play, or to Church, 24G2v 24 Church, or to the Exchange, or to the places of pleaſure, or to the Fields, Park, or Garden, or elſe to ſome Ball, or particular meeting, or to ſome Picture-drawer, or to play at Cards, or the like; and to Man them to theſe places, they will ſend to me, before I am up or awake; the truth is, they will not let me reſt in quiet.

Facil

But this is a ſlaviſh life.

Courtly

It is ſo.

Adviſer

But do they never reward thy ſervice, Courtly?

Courtly

Yes, as the Devil doth his Servants.

Adviſer

How is that?

Courtly

With fire; for they ſend me hot burning Spirits, which are called Cordials.

Adviſer

It ſeems they think you want ſtrength.

Courtly

I muſt needs, when they tire me off my legs, uſhering them from place to place.

Facil

Do they give thee no Amorous favours?

Courtly

Yes; but they are better pleaſed, I ſhould prevent them, and take favours from them before they are preſented.

Facil

But that is ſome recompence for thy time and charge.

Courtly

The recompence, if you call it ſo, is the worſe; for I had rather give them my Eſtate, then receive their Rewards; for though they make their favours, as a reward to their Courting-ſervants; yet their rewards are their chief pleaſures, and the rewarded pains 25H1r 25 pains, offor their Courting ſervants, loſe more health by their favours, then they get wealth in their ſervice.

Adviſer

The laſt advice is, You muſt be as if you were drunk.

Courtly

That advice is worſt of all; for then they are ſo buſie, and make ſuch puddering about me, to lay me to ſleep, as they make me almoſt mad.

Adviſer

You have ſaid ſo much, as I perceive your own advice is the beſt, to go into the Country; and if the Country will not ſave your body, life and eſtate, from theſe Locuſt-Ladies, you muſt travel into ſome other Kingdom.

Courtly

If I do, they will follow me; for Ladies are as far-travellers in this age, as the Men; and I know ſome Gentlemen that are followed by Ladies out of one Kingdom into another, ſo as they do not know whether to go, for the World is not ſufficient to hide or obſcure them from the Ladies ſearch.

Adviſer

Why, then moſt of the Men muſt turn Fryers, for that is to live in this world, as if they liv’d out of it.

Courtly

That ſhift will not ſerve their turn; for if the Cavaliers turn Fryers, the Ladies will turn Nunnes, and then make thoſe Fryers their Confeſſors.

Adviſer

Then there is no way for Men to eſcape thoſe Ladies followers.

Courtly

Yes, there is one way.

Adviſer

What way is that?

H Courtly. 26 H1v 26

Courtly

You muſt excuſe me, for I will not declare it.

Exeunt. Enter Facil, and he ſpeaks to himſelf.

Facil

I wonder Mimick ſtays ſo long, and doth not bring me an anſwer yet, from the Lady Amorous. Enter Mimick. But here he is.

Facil

Monſieur Mimick! well met; have you delivered my Letter to the Lady Amorous?

Mimick

Yes, Mr. Facil, I did deliver it to her.

Facil

And how did ſhe receive it?

Mimick

Faith, ſhe received your Letter, as all Women do Love-Preſents.

Facil

How is that?

Mimick

With an outward diſlike, and an inward affection.

Facil

If ſhe received my Letter, with a diſpleaſed countenance, I judg ſhe doth not love me.

Mimick

Then your judgment is not wiſe; for love lives not in the countenance, but in the heart.

Facil

But the Countenance expreſſes love; for a well pleaſed Countenance, expreſſes a well affected heart.

Mimick

If you ground your belief on a Womans Countenance, you will be deceived; for Womens Countenances for the moſt part are as falſe as their faces; the one is glaſt with ſmiles, as the other with Pomatum; and diſſembling modeſty is like Spaniſh Red, which is ſoon 27H2r 27 ſoon rub’d off with acquaintance and jealouſie; or a peeviſh humour wipes off their ſmiles; ſo that there is no truſt in their Countenances; for they change every minute of an hour; wherefore, they are unskilful Men, and unhappy Lovers, that ſteer the courſe of their deſires, by the Card of their Miſtreſſes Countenances, which vary almoſt every moment, or by the Stars of their Miſtreſſes eyes, which are wandring Planets. The truth is, moſt Lovers have troubleſome Voyages in love, by reaſon all Womens minds are as inconſtant as the wind.

Facil

But I hope, by your favour and induſtry for me, to the Lady, my Voyage will be eaſie and free.

Mimick

Do you believe I have power on your Miſtreſs mind, as the Witches of Lapland have on the Winds?

Facil

Faith, Monkies, Dogs, Parrots, and Fools, are powerful with Women, eſpecially with Ladies.

Mimick

Then deliver your Love-Letters to the Ladies Monkys, tell your Love-Meſſages to the Ladies Parrots, and give your Love-Collations to the Ladies Dogs, and your Love-bribes to my Ladies Fool.

Facil

It is the eaſieſt way; only to employ her Fool, and to encourage you, I give you five Pounds for the preſent, and more I promiſe you hereafter, to plead my ſuit, and to ſpeak in my behalf.

Mimick

Faith, your caſe is ſo bad, as it requires a witty and ingenuous knave to make it ſeem a good caſe, and 28H2v 28 and an eloquent Orator to make it ſeem a clear caſe; for Oratory makes a foul caſe ſeem fair, and great fees makes an Orator’s wit quick, and his tongue ſmooth.

Facil

Well, I will truſt to your Knavery, wiſh well to your Oratory, and hope Fortune will favour your Wiſdom.

Mimick

You miſtake; for Fortune never favours wiſe Men, but Fools.

Exit Facil.

Mimick

Well, craft ſhall ſerve for wiſdom, and the chief part of my craft muſt be to Fool this Lover, or rather to cozen him; for Lovers are Fools of Cupid’s making, and they wear Fools Coats in Cupid’s Court.

Exeunt. Enter the Lady Vertue, and Sir William; Mimick, who ſeems to be in a very ſerious ſtudy, not taking any notice of his Maſter and Lady.

Sir W. Sage

Surely Mimick has State-matters in his head, he is ſo ſtudious and ſerious.

L. Vertue

Mimick?

He doth not anſwer.

L. Vertue

Why Mimick, are you deaf?

Mimick

I am ſomewhat thick of hearing.

Sir W. Sage

But Mimick, let us know what is the cauſe you are in ſo ſerious a ſtudy.

Mimick

I am conſidering with my ſelf, what profeſſion I ſhall be of.

L. Vertue 29 I1r 29

L. Vertue

And what Profeſſion have you choſen to be of?

Mimick

I have not choſen any as yet, for I waver in my mind amongſt many Profeſſions, as an amorous Lover doth amongſt many Ladies, not reſolving which to addreſs himſelf to; for though he would enjoy them all, yet he can court but one at a time; and though he reſolveth to court all, yet he can but enjoy one at a time.

Sir W. Sage

But he may court and enjoy them all, one after another.

Mimick

Faith, that is an endleſs work; for before the laſt Lady is courted and enjoyed, he will be forced to be of the Profeſſion of a Prieſt, to preach his own funeral Sermon, or of a Sexton, to dig his own grave: But leaving Prieſts and amorous Lovers, what Profeſſion ſhall I be of?

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Courtier?

Mimick

There are ſo many Court-fools, that they never thrive with that Profeſſion; for what they get by flattery, they ſpend in vanity.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Lawyer?

Mimick

The Law is more of the Knaves then the Fool’s ſide, therefore I ſhall never thrive in that Profeſſion.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Merchant?

Mimick

I could Traffick with Jeſt, but I am afraid in ſome of my Ventures I ſhould have my head broke; I there- 30I1v 30 therefore, I will not be of that Profeſſion.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a States-man?

Mimick

Faith, I think I am fool enough to be a States-man, but I have not Formality enough; beſides, I ſhall make ſuch diſorders and diſturbances in State- affairs, as I may chance to be kill’d in an uproar or ſeditious Tumult.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Soldier?

Mimick

No, for I am more ſafe from danger in my Fools Coat, then they in their Iron-arms; and ſhall get more by a Fool’s Profeſſion, then a Soldiers.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Scholar?

Mimick

That I am now; for I learn every day to play the Fool better and better.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a City-Magiſtrate?

Mimick

I like that the beſt; for my Fools Coat will ſerve for my Magiſtrates Gown; but yet I am afraid of the Common-people in theſe ſeditious times.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Traveller?

Mimick

O Lord! ſo I may travel to my wit’s end.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Chymiſt?

Mimick

Faith, I get more Gold by playing the Fool with Lords and Ladies, then Chymiſts do by playing the Fools with Fire and Furnace.

Sir W. Sage

Then I think you had beſt continue your own Profeſſion ſtill, which is to play the Fool.

Mimick

But my Profeſſion of playing the Fool is a gene- 31I2r 31 a general Profeſſion, and I would fain have a particular Profeſſion; for there are few Men but have ſome other Profeſſion beſides their Natural Profeſſion; Wherefore, I muſt ſtudy ſome other Profeſſion.

L. Vertue

What do you think then of being a Vintner?

Mimick

My Gueſts will drink up my Wine, and leave me their Scores; lie with my Wife, and give her the Pox; and if I have not a handſom Woman to my Wife, I ſhall have no Gueſts.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Taylor?

Mimick

I ſhall have only my Meaſures for my pains, and the ſhreds for my labour.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Uſurer?

Mimick

So a Fool and his Money would be ſoon parted, and I ſhall have bonds for my Money; but a hundred to one if I get my Money by the bonds.

L. Vertue

What think you of being an Amorous Lover?

Mimick

I ſhall woo more Miſtreſſes, then I ſhall win, and win more Miſtreſſes then I ſhall uſe.

L. Vertue

But you may get a rich Wife, if you Woo well.

Mimick

If I ſhould woo the beſt of any Man, I ſhall ſooner get the Pox with a Miſtreſs, then Wealth with a Wife; for Fortune is the only Match-maker.

Sir W. Sage

But there is a ſaying, That Fools have Fortune.

Mimick. 32 I2v 32

Mimick

Not all fools; for there be more Fools then good fortune; the truth is, There are ſo many Fools, as it is impoſſible for Fortune to favour them all.

L. Vertue

But Fortune may favour thoſe that are moſt fooliſh.

Mimick

Then ſhe will not favour me; wherefore I’le reject Fortune, relie upon my own wit.

L. Vertue

Your Wit is ſo weak, as it cannot uphold

Mimick

I’le try the ſtrength of it, and when I fall for want of Wit, it is a proper time for Fortune to raiſe me up to ſhew her power.

Sir W. Sage

Well, we will leave you to your ſtudy, and when you have choſen a Profeſſion, I ſuppoſe you will make us acquainted with it.

Mimick

No doubt of it; for youu muſt help to put me into practiſe.

Exeunt.

Aged

Longlife. How are you ſince you went abroad,?

Long

Very well, I thank you Mr. Aged.

Aged

I am now come to you, to ask you a queſtion, whether you would not think it were wiſe for us, we having only two Children you, a Son and I a Daughter, to match them together, and ſo we being both rich, we may joyn our Eſtatees together, by joyning our Children together which will make them both flow in plenty,.

Long

I like your propoſition, concerning the joyninging 33K1r 33 ing our riches together, by joyning our Children together: But my Son is a Wit, Mr. Aged, and your Daughter I hear is a Wit; and if their wits be joyned together, it may over power their Wealth; for Wit and Wealth doth never agree together; For wit regards not Wealth, and wealth regards not wit; which is the reaſon that thoſe, which have moſt Wit, (which are Poets) are poor; For you ſhall ſeldom read, or hear, That natutral al Poets are rich. And both our Children being Poetical, ſhould we marry them together, would undo them.

Aged

By the Maſs, you ſay true.

Long

Then we muſt endeavour to marry our Children to Fooles; you muſt provide a fooliſh man for your Daughter, and I a fooliſh woman for my Son; That the dulneſs of the Fool, may allay the quickneſs of the Wit, which will make a good temper, cauſing them to thrive in wealth, and to increaſe Poſterity; for let me tell you, That great Wits for the moſt part have few Children, but what their brain produces, which are Ideas, Inventions and Opinions; Ideas are Daughters; Inventions are Sons, and Opinions Hermaphrodites; and the production of theſe Incorporeal Children, hinders the production of Corporeal Children; and we both deſire to have Corporeal Grand-Children to uphold our Families.

Aged

You ſay wiſely, Mr. Long-life; and therefore, we muſt endeavour to marry our Children to Fools, for the Wealth and Poſterities of our Families.

Exeunt. K Act
34 K1v 34

Act III. Scene I.

Enter Sir John Amorous, and his Lady.

Lady

Sir John, Sir John, I take it very unkindly, that you ſhould go abroad, and leave my Company?

Sir J. Amor

Sometimes, Wife, to be abſent from each other, is a refreſhment, and Temperance is part of Prudence.

Lady

I love not ſuch Refreſhments, Temperance, and Prudence; wherefore, you muſt either ſtay at home and keep me Company, or I ſhall ſeek other Company elſewhere.

Exit Lady. Sir J.John Amorous Solus.

Sir J. Amor

That will be ſome eaſe; for I had rather be a Cuckold then be bound to one Woman, eſpecially my Wife.

Enter his Wife’s Maid.

Sir J. Amor

Mal, I’le prefer thee.

Maid

I thank you, Maſter.

Sir J. Amor

I’le prefer thee from my Servant, to be my Miſtreſs.

Maid

If you had been unmarried, and would prefer me from being your Miſtreſs, to be your Wife, I ſhould have taken it for an honour.

Sir J. Amor

But I am Married, Mal, and thou ſhalt take thy Ladie’s place, in thy Ladie’s abſence.

Maid

I had rather Marry Tom your Butler lawfully, then lie with my Maſter unlawfully.

Sir 35 K2r 35

Sir J. Amor

Why, Mal, Love is lawful, and to ſerve your Maſter is lawful; wherefore, it is lawful to ſerve your Maſter’s Love.

Maid

But ſome kinds of Love are unlawful, and ſome kinds of Service are unlawful; for it is unlawful to love Vice, and unlawful to ſerve the Devil; wherefore it is unlawful to be my Maſter’s Whore.

Sir J. Amor

To be your Maſter’s Whore, is to be your Maſter’s Miſtreſs; and to be the Butler’s Wife, is to be the Butler’s Slave; but I’le leave you to the Butler’s droppings of his Taps: But howſoever, Conſider it well, Mal, for you will be good enough for the Butler afterwards.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Sir William Sage and his Lady.

Sir William Sage

I Wonder that Mimick is not here! for his Company is very delightful, to paſs away idle; time for idle time is only free for Fools Company.

Lady

He is rather a Knave then a Fool; but here he comes.

Enter Mimick.

Sir W. Sage

Mimick, have you choſen a Profeſſion yet?

Mimick

Yes, marry have I, for I intend to be an Orator.

Sir 36 K2v 36

Sir W. Sage

If you be a profeſſed Orator, I ſuppoſe you have ſtudied a ſpeech.

Mimick

Yes, I have ſtudied, as Orators uſe to do, in making an Oration; for I have rackt my Brain, ſtretch’d my Wit, ſtrapado’d my Memory, tortured my thoughts, and kept my Sences awake.

Sir W. Sage

Certainly, it is a very eloquent and wiſe Oration, ſince you have taken ſo much pains.

Mimick

Labour and Study is not a certain rule for wiſe, witty, or eloquent Orations or Speeches; for many ſtudied Speeches are very fooliſh: But will you hear my Speech?

Sir W. Sage

I will.

Mimick

But then Maſter, you muſt ſtand for, ſignifie, or repreſent a Multitude, or an Aſſembly.

Sir W. Sage

That is impoſſible, being but a ſingle perſon.

Mimick

Why doth not a ſingle Figure ſtand for a Number, as the Figure of Five, Eight or Nine, and joining Ciphers to them, they ſtand for ſo many Hundreds, or Thouſands: And here be two Joint-Stools, one of which Stools and you Lady ſhall ſerve for two Ciphers and my Maſter for the Figure of Nine, and ſo you two and the Joint-Stool make Nine hundred.

Sir W. Sage

But if the Aſſembly be ſo big, as to be a Company of Nine hundred they cannot all ſtand ſo near, as to hear what you ſpeak, neither can your voice reach to the Circumferent Ears.

Mimick. 37 L1r 37

Mimick

The greateſt Glory of an Orator is to have Crouds of People follow him, and thoſe that hear the leaſt will praiſe him the moſt; and the truth is, That all Orators gain more renown by thoſe that do not hear them, but only ſee them, then by thoſe that ſtand ſo near, as to hear what they ſpeak; for there is ten to one of thoſe that do not hear them, to thoſe that do hear cthem; So that if thoſe that do hear them, ſhould diſpraiſe their Orations, yet thoſe that hear them not, will commend them, and having ten to one of their ſide, they may ſay what they will, they ſhall be applauded, and the moſt Voices carry them up to Fame’s Tower; which conſidering, I will ſet another Joint-ſtool as another Cipher to my Lady, and three Ciphers, with the Figure of Nine, my Maſter, will make it Nine thouſand.

Sir W. Sage

As many as you pleaſe.

Mimick

But what ſhall I have for a Pulpit or ſtanding place? for I muſt mount above all the Aſſembly?

Lady

Take another Joint-ſtool, and ſtand upon that.

Mimick

O fie! that will not appear well; beſides, I ſhall ſtand tottering, ready to fall, and the very fear of falling, will put me out of my Speech.

Lady

But you will appear ſtanding upon a Joint- ſtool, like as a Statue upon a Pediſtal.

Mimick

I ſhould be well pleaſed to have a Statue made for me, and ſet up as an honour and remembrance of me; but I ſhall not be pleaſed to ſtand as a Statue my ſelf.

L Sir 38 L1v 38

Sir W. Sage

Why then get a Tub; and ſtand in that.

Mimick

A Tub will not do me any ſervice, unleſs it be a mounted Tub. But for this time I’le ſtand upon the Table, without Tub or Caſe, to ſpeak the naked truth; and thus I aſcend.

He aſcends upon the Table.

Lady

Begin.

Mimick

Stay, I muſt breathe firſt, hawk, ſpit, blow my noſe, humm, and look gravely round about upon the People, and then ſpeak at firſt in a low voice, then raiſe my Voice by degrees, until I come to the higheſt ſtrain or point.

He Speaks.

Noble, Honourable, and Worthy Auditors, I am come here to ſpeak of a Subject which concerns all Men; which General Subject is Women; and I am not only to Treat of Women, which is an eaſie Subject to be Treated of; but of the Chaſtity of Women, which is an hard, frozen Subject; and ſo hard frozen it is, that all the heat Love can bring is not able to thaw it; the truth is, Chastity is a Subject, that lives at a great diſtance; for though the two Names, Woman and Chaſtity, are oft-times joined together, yet the ſeveral Subjects of thoſe Names, dwell not near each other; for Chaſtity dwells at the Poles, where no Woman is; and Women dwell or inhabit the Torrid Zone, where no Chaſti- 39L2r 39 Chaſtity is: Thus you may perceive that Names are more eaſily joined, then the things they ſignifie; but how to bring Chaſtity and Women together, is the difficulty, indeed ſo difficult as it is impoſſible; and as impoſſible as for hot Hell and cold Heaven to meet, or for gods and devils to be friends: But noble Auditors the Names Chaſt Women being join’d together, are ſufficient; for that Conjunction of Names contents, ſatisfies and pleaſes all Men, as Fathers, Sons, Brothers and Husbands, that would have their Daughters, Siſters, Mothers and Wives Chaſt; and as for Amorous Lovers, they are pleaſed to have the Subjects dwell at diſtance; ſo that Art and Nature, Deceit and Verity have agreed together to make all Men happy, ſo far as concerns Women.

Lady

Leave off your Prating, or I’le fling one of theſe Ciphers at your head.

Mimick

Will not you let me ſpeak out my Oration?

Lady

No, unleſs it were better.

Mimick

If you will let me ſpeak out my Speech, I’le make the two Poles meet in the very forehead of the Torrid Zone of a Man’s head.

Lady

I’le hear no more; wherefore, come off from the Table.

Mimick

Well, I obey, although I am vexed at the heart, that I muſt not ſpeak out my Speech, as alſo to be diſgraced before an Aſſembly of Nine thouſand.

Lady. 40 L2v 40

Lady

You knaviſh Fool, what cauſe invited, perſwaded, or commanded you to ſpeak an Oration concerning the Chaſtity of Women?

Mimick

That which perſwaded me to ſpeak an Oration, and not only an Oration, but a factious or malicious Oration was that which perſwaded all Orators; firſt, fſelf-love to ſhew their Wit; next, their ill Nature to make a diviſion and diſſention amongſt Mankind.

Lady

Well, ſince you have expreſs’d the evil Orators of theſe evil times, ſuch as make Factions and Diviſions; I will expreſs ſuch Orators as ought to be; and thus I’le ſpeak to this Aſſembly.

She Speaks.

Noble, Honourable and Worthy Auditors, I am come here to contradict a Knaviſh Fool, that has ſpoken to the Diſgrace of Women; ſaying, That only the Names of Women and Chaſtity are joined together, but the Subjects dwell far aſunder; which is falſe; for though ſome Women, as the ſcum of the Female Sex, be Incontinent, yet all Women are not ſo; for ſome Women are Chaſt by Nature, others by Vertue, and ſome by Honour: As for Vertue and Honour, they are like to Plants ſet or planted by Education, and grow up like to tall Cedars or ſtrong Oaks in the Mind, which bear no evil ſfruits; as Vicesces 41M1r 41 ces and baſe qualities, or evil and diſhoneſt deſires: But Worthy Auditors, give me leave to tell you, That Women are the unhappieſt Creatures which Nature ever made; not only that they are the moſt ſhiftleſs Creatures, but the moſt abuſed of any other Creatures, and only by Men; who do not only continually aſſault them, and endeavour to corrupt and betray them, but they have enſlaved them, and do often defame them with ſlanders and reproaches, vain glorious boaſts, and lying brags; the truth is, Men are like Devils to Women, ſeeking whom they may devour; inticing, alluring, perſwading and flattering Women, to the ruine of their Souls, Bodies, Minds, Fortunes, and good Names; but Women are beloved and favoured by the gods, who endue their Bodies with Beauty, and their Minds with Spiritual Grace, their Thoughts with Religious Zeal, and their Lives with Pious Devotions; which keeps their Bodies Chaſt, their Minds pure, and their Lives Vertuous: But thoſe few Women that are Incontinent, are rather Beaſts then Women; but moſt Women are Angelical; and though Men defame them, yet the Gods glorifie them.

Mimick

Lady, if you ſpeak any longer of the Female Subject, you will caſt them from Heaven into Hell; for you cannot go beyond Heaven, Angels and Gods.

Lady

I am content to ſpeak no more of them at this time, but leave them in bliſs.

M Sir 42 M1v 42

Sir W. Sage

Mimick, your Lady will be too hard for you.

Mimick

Yes in Foolery, but not in Wit.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Monſieur Adviſer, and Monſieur Courtly.

Monſieur Courtly

Where were you, that I did not ſee you all yeſterday, nor moſt part of this day?

Adviſer

Faith, I was all the Morning at a Sermon, and at Noon I went to a Tavern, in the Afternoon I went to a Play, and at night I went to a Common- houſe, and from thence I went to the Gaming-houſe, and there I ſtay’d till late in the Morning; and then I went home, and lay and ſlept ſo long, as I have but newly dined.

Courtly

Dined, ſay you! why it is almoſt Supper- time.

Adviſer

Not with me.

Courtly

No; for you turn the Day into Night, and Night into Day.

Adviſer

I did not ſo yeſterday.

Court

Yes, but you did; for you ſpent all the day in deeds of darkneſs.

Adviſer

Will you ſay, that hearing a Sermon is a deed of darkneſs?

Courtly. 43 M2r 43

Courtly

Yes, unleſs you did profit by it, which I do not perceive you did; the truth is, by your after-actions you ſeem the worſe for it.

Adviſer

I’le confeſs to you, my friend, that the Sermon made me ſo dull and melancholy, as I was forced to go to a Tavern, to revive and comfort my Mind with ſome Spiritual Liquor; and from thence I went to a Play to recreate my Thoughts, and to take them from all ſad Contemplations, in ſeeing and hearing a merry Comedy acted; and the truth is, the Play made me ſo lively, as I became ſo wanton, that I was forced to go to a Common-houſe, and after I had convers’d with the Woman, I was as dull and melancholy as I was after the Sermon; ſo then I went to the Gaming- houſe for diverſion, knowing I ſhould meet ſtore of Company; and being there, I fell to play, where I loſt all my Money; for which I was ſo troubled, as I wiſh my ſelf dead, having not any Money left to live; and being moneyleſs, I went home to bed, that I might ſleep and forget my loſs for a time.

Courtly

But did not the thoughts of the loſs hinder your ſleep?

Adviſer

No faith; for my thoughts were ſo oppreſt with grief, as they fell faſt aſleep, and ſo faſt aſleep they were, as I did not dream.

Courtly

But now they are awake, they remember your loſſes, do they not?

Adviſer

Yes, but I will perſwade you to go with me to 44M2v 44 to the Tavern, there to drink out the remembrance.

For when my head is fill’d with Vaporous Wine,

My thoughts for Loſſes will not then repine.

Enter Take-pleaſure to Adviſer and Courtly.

Courtly

Tom, Thou art welcome.

Take-pleaſ

Go hang your ſelf, for you are not a Man of your word, for you promis’d to meet me at the Crown-Tavern, where I ſtay’d for you till twelve a Clock laſt night, expecting your coming.

Courtly

And how did you paſs away the ſolitary time?

Take-pleaſ

Faith, I call’d for ſome Tobacco, and a pint of Wine, and then I took a Pipe, then drunk a glaſs of Wine, and you did not come; then I took another Pipe, and drunk another glaſs of Wine, and you did not come; ſo I took Pipe after Pipe, and drunk Glaſs after Glaſs, until the Pint-pot was empty; then I call’d for another Pint, and another Pint, and drunk them as the firſt; and ſtill you ſtay’d, and ſtill I drunk ſo long as I was almoſt drunk, expecting your Company; but at laſt finding my Stomack full, and my head light, and the night far ſpent I went home and ſo to bed.

Adviſer

Without ſaying your Prayers?

Take-pleaſ

Faith, I could not ſay my Prayers for Curſing of Courtly; but at laſt I fell aſleep with a Curſe in my mouth, which Curſe I found in my mouth when I did awake in the morning.

Adviſer. 45 N1r 45

Adviſer

Did you ſwallow the Curſe down, or ſpit it out?

Take-pleaſ

Faith, it had almoſt choak’d me; for it ſtuck ſo in my Throat, as I could neither get it up, nor down, but at laſt I ſpit it out, for it was as bitter as Gall.

Courtly

You had no reaſon to curſe me, if you were drunk; for the only deſign of our meeting at the Tavern, was but to be drunk.

Take-pleaſ

That is true; but there is no pleaſure to be drunk without a Companion.

Courtly

The truth is, I could not come; for I was forced againſt my will to Sup with a Lady.

Take-pleaſ

Faith, Women ſpoile all good fellowſhip; but I had been better Company for her laſt night, then you were.

Courtly

Come, come, let us go to the ſame Tavern, and there end all Quarrels.

Exeunt.

Scene IV.

Enter Monſieur Facil, and Mimick.

Monſieur Facil

Maſter Mimick, I am come according to your appointment.

Mimick

Then Mr. Facil you may depart according to my appointment.

N Facil. 46 N1v 46

Facil

But you aſſured me, That if I came at this hour, I ſhould have acceſs to your Lady.

Mimick

But Women change their mind every minute, and are in threeſcore ſeveral minds or humors in an hour; and this minute the Lady is in a very angry humor, which will not agree with your amorous humor.

Facil

But I’le ſtay until her angry humor is paſt.

Mimick

Then you may ſtay until you be weary; for ſhe will change out of one angry humor into another, until ſhe hath run out an hour; for there be many ſeveral kinds and ſorts of angry Humors.

Facil

But I will ſtay an hour.

Mimick

But if you do, it is not likely that the Lady will be in a humor to entertain your Courtly addreſs; for it is probable, as being moſt uſual, that from the laſt angry humor, ſhe will change into the firſt degree of a Melancholy humor.

Facil

Then I will attend two hours, until ſuch time as ſhe will be out of her Melancholy humor.

Mimick

That will not do you any ſervice; for out of the laſt Melancholy humor ſhe will change into a pious humor, and ſo from one pious humor into another, until ſuch time as ſhe comes to weep like a Mary Magdalen, and after floods of Tears ſhe will fall faſt aſleep; her Sences and Spirits being tired with Kneeling, Praying, Sighing and Weeping, and after ſhe awakes from her devout ſleep, ſhe may chance to beſtow a Charity upon you.

Facil. 47 N2r 47

Facil

I’le attend in hope of that Charity.

Mimick

I perceive by you, that Lovers will take no excuſes or denials; but yet this laſt I hope will drive you away, which is, The Lady has the Wind-collock; wherefore ſhe will not admit of a viſit, eſpecially Amorous Suiters this day.

Facil

By this I find that you have fill’d me with hope, to delude me.

Mimick

Let me tell you, that Love is the greateſt Deluder, or Cheater, eſpecially Amorous Love; but to keep you from diſpair, I’le promiſe you (for Promiſes keep Lovers alive) I will deviſe ſome way to corrupt this Lady to your deſires, although it requires much labour, ſtudy, wit, and time, to corrupt Chaſtity; and ſince my Service will be great, my Reward muſt not be ſmall.

Facil

Then here I give you Ten pounds to reward your Knavery.

Exit Facil, Mimick Solus.

Mimick

Why, this is right as it ſhould be, for one Knave to Fee another, that Knavery may thrive.

Exeunt. Enter Sir Mercury Poet, and the Lady Fancy.

Merc

Madam, I take it for a great favour and obligation, that you will receive my viſit.

Fancy

It would be an Obligation to my ſelf, to oblige a worthy perſon, ſuch as I believe you are, but I do not perceive how I can merit thanks in receivingving 48N2v 48 ving your Viſit, for I ſuppoſe you can better paſs your time, then with my dull Company, and unprofitable Converſation.

Merc

It is a particular favour, becauſe you do not not uſually receive Viſits.

Fancy

The reaſon why I do not uſually receive Viſits, is out of a reſpect to the Viſiters, knowing I have not Wit to entertain them, Speech to delight them, nor Learning to profit them; ſo they would but loſe their time in viſiting me; and I chuſe rather to loſe the profit I might gain by hearing wiſe, witty, and learned Viſiters; then they ſhould loſe their time by learning nothing themſelves; for Wiſdom and Wit deſires to advance in Knowledg, and not to ſtand at a ſtay; for though prating Fools take pleaſure to inform, and formal Fools to reform; yet wiſe Men delight to be informed and reformed, through a noble ambition to attain to perfection.

Merc

Which Perfection, Madam, you have arrived to.

Fancy

That is impoſſible, for Nature hath made Women ſo defective, as they are not capable of Perfection.

Merc

Madam, my Soul is wedded to your Vertue, and my Contemplations to your Fancy, and my Love and Perſon longs to be wedded to your Beauty and Chaſtity.

And 49 O1r 49

And if our Wits agree,

I’m ſure you’l favour me.

For Wit the Brain doth move,

And cauſes Souls to love:

For Fools cannot love well,

Nor reaſon for Love tell;

They underſtand not Merit,

Nor a Cœleſtial Spirit.

Enter Mr. Aged.

Aged

How is that! Merit, Spirit, and I know not what! Daughter, I am come to forbid you the Company of Sir Mercury Poet, and that you receive not any of his Viſits: And Sir Mercury Poet, I do forbid you my Daughters Company.

Merc

Sir, I have not viſited your Daughter, without your leave; for you were pleaſed to invite me to wait on your Daughter.

Aged

’Tis true, for I did believe, (by reaſon your Father and I being old acquaintance, and loving friends, and both being rich, and having Children, he a Son, and I a Daughter) it might be very proper and fit to have agreed to have matched you together; but ſince your Father and I having debated and conſidered well upon the Caſe, we find it no ways profitable for either.

Merc

Where is the diſadvantage or hinderance?

Aged

Your Wit.

O Merc. 50 O1v 50

Merc

Is Wit a Crime?

Aged

It ought to be made Criminal; for it is not only unprofitable, but ruinous; not any perſon thrives that has it; and it makes thoſe that are rich, poor; and thoſe that are poor, uncapable to be rich.

Merc

They that have Wit, need no other wealth, Sir.

Enter Longlife.

Aged

Mr. Longlife, I find now your words true, That Wit regards not Wealth; for your Son ſays, That Wit is Wealth enough of it ſelf.

Longl

Yes, yes, Mr. Aged; but he will find, Wit cannot buy Land, unleſs he joins Knavery to it.

Merc

True Wit is always juſt, and honeſt, it knows no double dealing; and honour is the ground on which it builds a Fame.

Longl

But if you have no other ground, nor other building, but Honour and Fame, you may beg for your livelihood, or ſtarve for want of bread.

Merc

I had rather die for want of bread, then live without honourable Fame; and Fortune’s goods are poor to thoſe that Nature gives.

Longl

O Mr. Aged, I am unhappy, undone; for I perceive my Poſterity will be all Beggars: And therefore, if you will not change your Principles ſoon, I will diſinherit you.

Merc

You cannot, Sir; for though you may give away your Land, you cannot give away my Wit (if I have any.)

Longl. 51 O2r 51

Longl

If I cannot, I will marry you to a Fool; ſo that though you be poor, your Children may be rich.

Merc

If you pleaſe, Sir, and Mr. Aged conſent, I deſire I may Marry this Lady.

Longl

No, no, Son ſhe hath Wit, I know by her ſilence, otherwiſe her tongue would have run a race in this time.

Fancy

I can ſpeak Sir, but I doubt I have not Wit to ſpeak well.

Longl

Nay, if you talk of Wit, you are not for my Son.

Fancy

Your Son hath ſo much Wit, that what Woman ſoever he Marries, cannot continue a Fool long, for ſhe will get Wit from him, and yet he will have no leſs, for Nature ſtill ſupplies his ſtore.

Longl

But my Grand-Children may be Fools, if my Son’s Wife be none of Natures witty Daughters.

Fancy

His Children cannot be Fools; for Wit begets Wit, although a Fool ſhould be the breeder.

Longl

Good Mr. Aged, lock up your Daughter, until I have ſent my Son to Travel; for otherwiſe we ſhall ruin our Poſterities.

Exeunt. Act
52 O2v 52

Act IV. Scene I.

Enter Lady Amorous, Lady Vertue, and Madam Mediator.

Lady Amorous

Madam, what makes you ſo fine to day? and not only your perſon is finer, but your houſe is finer trim’d and trickt, then uſually it was; have you a Servant to viſit you to day?

L. Vertue

No, but I have a Maſter that is to come out of the Country to day.

L. Amor

Who is your Maſter?

L. Vertue

My Husband, who comes home to day.

L. Amor

Do you make your ſelf and your houſe ſo fine only for your Husband?

L. Vertue

Only for my Husband, ſay you! Why, he is the only Man that I deſire to appear fine to; and the only perſon I deſire to pleaſe and delight.

M. Mediat

But Husbands take no notice of the bravery of their Wives.

L. Vertue

Howſoever, it is the part of every good wife to expreſs, on all occaſions, their Love and Reſpect to their Husbands; in their abſence to mourn, at their return to rejoice, and in their Company to be beſt pleaſed.

M. Mediat

Love, Reſpect and Duty, are only expreſſible in Humors, Words and Service, and not in Habit.

L. Vertue. 53 P1r 53

L. Vertue

But Joy is expreſt in habit, as much as mourning; witneſs Triumphs and Triumphant Shews; and Triumphs of Joy, and Funerals, are not alike.

M. Mediat

All Noble Perſons are buried in Triumphs.

L. Vertue

Indeed they are buried with Ceremony, but it is ſuch Ceremony as expreſſes Dolor, not Joy; for they are followed with black Mourners, and weeping eyes: But however, I endeavour to appear to my Husband, at his returning home, like a gay and joyful Bride, and not as a ſad mourning Widow.

L. Amor

Let me not live, Lady Vertue, if you be not the moſt ſimple Woman alive.

L. Vertue

In what?

L. Amor

Firſt, That you can take pleaſure in the dull Company of a Husband; next, That you do not delight your ſelf with the Gallants of the Times; and thirdly, That you do not only ſpoile your own Husband, but all other Womens Husbands, with your example; for which folly, you ought to be condemned by all our Sex.

L. Vertue

If they condemn me for my Vertue, I will deſpiſe them for their Vices.

L. Amor

But Vice is a Vertue in this age; ask Madam Mediator elſe.

L. Vertue

What ſay you, Madam Mediator?

M. Mediat

I ſay, that Vice was never ſo confident as it is now, nor never ſo glorified as it is now, nor P never 54P1v 54 never ſo beloved as it is now, nor never ſo practiſed as it is now.

L. Amor

Well, ſince Vice is ſo beloved, and Vertue deſpiſed, I will go to a merry Meeting. Come, Madam Mediator, you’l make one, although Lady Vertue will not.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Monſieur Facil, and Mimick.

Mimick

Monſieur Facil, I have tired my Legs, and worn out the Soles of my Shooes to find you out, to give you a Letter from the Lady Amorous.

Facil

I am ſorry you have taken ſuch pains.

Mimick

You may requite my pains when you pleaſe; but here is the Letter.

He receives the Letter.

Facil

Faithful Mimick! happy Facil! divine Lady! delicious Letter!

He kiſſes the Letter.

Mimick

What delicious pleaſure do you receive in that Kiſs, Monſieur Facil?

Facil

As much pleaſure as Joy can give me.

He opens the Letter.

What is this, a plain ſheet of Paper! you Rogue, do you abuſe and cozen me?

Mimick. 55 P2r 55

Mimick

Did not you give me Ten pound to reward my Knavery? for which I ſhould be ungrateful, ſhould I not be a Knave to you; but yet you have no reaſon to be angry for this unletter’d Paper, which is the royall’ſt Kindneſs, and moſt generous Preſent, the Lady could ſend you; for ſhe has ſent you a blank to write down your own deſires, demands, or condition of agreement, love and friendſhip.

Facil

If it be ſo, I ask you Pardon, and will requite your fidelity with Gold.

Mimick

I’le take your requital.

Facil

Pray go with me to my Lodgings, and there I’le write in this white Paper, that came from the whiter hands of my Miſtreſs, my love and affections, and you ſhall guide it unto her.

Mimick

You muſt ballace the Letter with Gold, or otherwiſe it will be drown’d in the returning- Voyage.

Facil

I will.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Lady Amorous, and two or three other Ladies.

Firſt Lady

Lady Amorous, Marriage has made you a boon Companion.

L. Amor

I was a Novice before I married; but now I find 56P2v 56 I find that there is no pleaſure, like Liberty, Mirth and good Company.

1 Lady

You ſay true, Lady, for a Stoical life is the worſt life in the World.

2 Lady

But the Lady Vertue, and Sir W.William Sage live the life of Stoicks.

L. Amor

The more Fools they; but my Husband and I, live the life of Libertines; for he takes his pleaſure, and I take mine: Have you ſent for Mr. Courtly?

2 Lady

Yes, there are at leaſt half a ſcore Meſſengers ſent one after another to invite him hither.

Enter Monſieur Courtly.

L. Amor

O Sir! you’re welcome, we were even now a wiſhing for you to go abroad with us.

Court

I account my ſelf happy, Ladies, that I am come according to your wiſhes, as alſo to do you ſervice.

1 Lady

We did ſend a dozen Meſſengers for you.

Courtly

I did happily meet them, Madam.

1 Lady

But whether ſhall we go?

Courtly

Where you pleaſe, Lady; for I am ready at your ſervice.

2 Lady

Let us go to the Great Park.

L. Amor

No, let us go to the Fruit-Garden.

2 Lady

No faith, upon better Conſideration, let us ſtay and play at Cards.

L. Amor

That is dull; rather let us ſend for Fidlers, and Dance.

1 Lady. 57 Q1r 57

1 Lady

We have not Men enough to dance, and Mr. Courtly cannot dance with us all.

Courtly

I’le do my endeavour, Ladies.

2 Lady

No, let us hire a Barge, and row upon the Water.

L. Amor

No, let us go and Sup at the Tavern at the Bridg-foot; what ſay you, Mr. Courtly, will you entertain us?

Courtly

Yes, Lady, as well as I can.

1 Lady

Let us go.

2 Lady

No, let us firſt draw lots, and let Fortune decide the place of our Recreations.

L. Amor

Content; but which lot ſhall carry it?

1 Lady

The long lot.

2 Lady

The ſhort lot.

1 Lady

I ſay the long lot.

L. Amor

Let the moſt Voices carry it.

Courtly

Ladies, if I might perſwade you, it ſhould be at the Tavern at the Bridg-foot, and there you ſhall have the beſt Meat, Wine and Muſick, that place affords.

All

Content, content.

Exeunt. Q Scene
58 Q1v 58

Scene IV.

Enter Monſieur Facil and Monſieur Adviſer.

Monſieur Adviſer

Facil, how do you proſper in Loves Adventures?

Facil

More happily then I could imagine, for ſhe receives my Letters, and returns me Anſwers.

Adviſer

Then you ſhall not need to deſpair, ſince you have ſuch encouragement.

Facil

No faith, for now I fear ſhe will be kinder then I would have her; for ſhe has conſented to a private meeting.

Enter Take-pleaſure as in haſt.

Adviſer

Whether away in ſuch haſt, Tom?

Take-pleaſ

Faith, Courtly has ſent his Footman to me in ſuch haſt, as the poor fellow is almoſt melted with the heat he has with running, to bring me a note from his Maſter, who writes to me, that of all love and friendſhip I ſhould ſpeedily come to him, and to bring half a dozen other Gentlemen with me to the Tavern, to help him to entertain a Company of Ladies, otherwiſe he ſhall die in their ſervice; wherefore, prithee Adviſer, and Facil, go with me thither.

Facil

Faith, we cannot, for we have other buſineſs.

Take-pleaſ

The ſame anſwer I have had from a dozen other Gentlemen, and cannot perſwade any one to go; wherefore, I fear my friend Courtly will be over-power’d by thoſe many Ladies.

Adviſer. 59 Q2r 59

Adviſer

Why would Courtly engage himſelf to ſo many Women?

Take-pleaſ

Alas, he could not help it; for they ſent ſo many Meſſengers to deſire him to come to them, as he was almoſt ſmother’d in the croud, ſo that he was forced as it were, to go out in his own defence; but he finds that the Company of Ladies is worſe then the number of Meſſengers, for he hath leaped out of the Frying-pan into the fire.

Adviſer

I confeſs Men can hardly avoid the Females, and are more tormented with them then Beggars are with Lice, or a Horſe with Flies; for ſince the Wars, numbers of Women do ſwarm about one Man, as Bees about a honey-pot.

Take-pleaſ

I confeſs it, and I fear my Friend Courtly will be devoured; wherefore, for Charity, go with me, and help him in diſtreſs, and I’le engage that he and I will do the like for either, or both of you.

Adviſer

Upon that condition we are content; then let us go with all ſpeed

Exeunt. Enter Sir Mercury Poet to the Lady Fancy, whom He finds Weeping.

Merc

Sweet Miſtreſs! let not our Parents folly

Be a cauſe to make us Melancholy:

For 60 Q2v 60

For Natures, Fates, and mighty gods above

Did make, Decree, and cauſe our Souls to love;

Then do not mourn, or cloud your Eyes with Tears,

But baniſh from your Mind all Griefs and Fears;

For ſtill our Loving Souls will conſtant be,

Cœleſtial powers have joyn’d in that Decree.

L. Fancy

But at full Moon, the winds blow high,

And in the wain they ſilent lie.

So doth a Lover’s full griev’d Mind

Cauſe ſtorms of Paſſions, like as Wind,

Beating the Thoughts, like Clouds about,

Which being preſt, Tears ſtreameth out.

Merc

But when that Grief is in the wain

The Mind is ſmooth, and calm again;

Thoughts are ſerene, Joy ſhineth clear;

The Eyes are fair, no Tears appear:

But if that you with me conſent,

Our Parents follies we’l prevent

With holy Ceremony, bind ſo ſure

In Sacred Marriage, ſhall for life endure.

L. Fancy

I do conſent to be your Wife.

For without you, I have no Life.

Exeunt. Scene
61 R1r 61

Scene V.

Enter Sir William Sage, Lady Vertue, and Mimick.

Sir William Sage

What are you ſtudying your Play?

Mimick

Yes faith, I am getting ſome ſpeeches by heart.

Sir W. Sage

Let us hear ſome of them.

Mimick

I cannot ſpeak like a Woman in Breeches and Doublet, unleſs I have a Petticoat.

Enter the Cook-maid.

Maid

Madam, I come to know what ſhall be dreſt for Supper?

Mimick

My Lady will faſt and pray to night; wherefore, lend me one of thy Petticoats.

Maid

What will you do with it?

Mimick

I’le not eat thy Petticoat, though it would fry in its own greaſe, but I would uſe it another way.

Maid

What other way?

Mimick

Why, I will wear thy Petticoat over my Breeches.

Maid

No, by my Faith, but you ſhall not; for then my Petticoat and your Breeches may commit Fornication.

Mimick

It were better our Clothes ſhould commit Fornication, then our Perſons; but in my Conſcience our Clothes will be honeſt; but it is probable, that the R Fleas 62R1v 62 Fleas in your Petticoat, and the Fleas in my Breeches may commit Fornication; and ſo our Clothes, or rather our ſelves will be guilty of another ſuch like Vertue, as Fornication; which is, I ſhall be a Pimp, and you a Bawd for the Adulterous Fleas; but howſoever I muſt borrow thy Petticoat.

Maid

Would you have me lend you my Petticoat, and ſtand my ſelf naked?

Mimick

If you ſhould, it would ſeem a deed of Charity, to give thy Petticoat from off thee, to thoſe that want it; beſides, you will appear like the Picture of Eve in her ſtate of Innocence; and when I have done acting my part, of ſeeming a Woman, I will be like Adam; and ſo we ſhall be both like our firſt Parents.

Maid

I’le ſee you hang’d in an Apple-tree, before I lend you my Petticoat.

Mimick

Then I ſhall not need it, unleſs it be for a ſhroud to lap me in; but rather then you will ſee me hang’d, you will cut the cord or halter, although you were ſure to damn your Soul for the deed; but if thou wilt lend me thy Petticoat, I will promiſe hereafter to be thy Champion Knight, armed with thy Kitchin- Veſſels; thy Spit ſhall be my long Sword or Tuck, and thy Dripping-pan my Target, thy Porridg-pot my Head-piece, one of thy Pie-plates ſhall ſerve for a breaſtplate, and a Buff-coat made of the ſmuddy skins of Gammons of Bacon.

Maid

Upon that condition, to ſee you ſo armed, I will 63R2r 63 will lend you my upper-Petticoat, if my Maſter and Lady will give me leave.

Mimick

Thou haſt their leave; for I muſt act my part for them to ſee me; and I had rather wear thy upper-Coat, then thy under-Petticoat.

She pulls off her Petticoat.

L. Vertue

Joan, help him to put it on.

Mimick

No, I will put it on my ſelf, for ſhe will put it over my head, and I will put it under my feet, for I had rather my feet ſhould go thorough her Petticoat, then my noſe ſhould be in her tayl, which will be, if I put her Petticoat over my head.

She ſnatches her Petticoat away.

Maid

You jeering Fool, you ſhall not have my Petticoat to play the Fool with.

Mimick

You Slut, take your Coat again, for the ſmell makes me ſick, and ſuffocates my breath.

Maid

You are a lying fellow, for ſaying my Petticoat ſtinks.

Mimick

Prithee Joan, be pacified; for I confeſs, my ſmell is a fooliſh, nice, ſickly ſmell; but for thy comfort, right Honourable, and right noble Perſons love the haut-goust of ſuch Petticoats; but the perfume of thy Petticoat, has ſpoiled the part of my Play; for it hath put me quite out of the Amorous Speeches, I ſhould have rehears’d.

Sir W. Sage

But it is not ſo proper for a Woman to ſpeak Amorous Speeches, as for a Man; wherefore, ſpeak 64R2v 64 ſpeak ſome Amorous Speeches to Joan, as a Man in your own Garments.

Mimick

But my Speech was to be ſpoken in the abſence of my Lover; complaining to the gods, and imploring their favours to aſſiſt me to the ſight of my Love.

Sir W. Sage

That would have been rather as a Prayer, then an Amorous Speech.

Mimick

No, no, I would have order’d my Speech ſo as it ſhould have been Amorous.

L. Vertue

Then I perceive we ſhall hear none of your Play at this time.

Mimick

I have parts to act as a Man; which is to addreſs my ſelf in a Courtly manner to ſome fine, fair, ſweet, young Lady.

L. Vertue

Imagine Joan ſuch a Lady.

Mimick

My Imagination is not ſo powerful, as to Metamorphoſe Joan in my Thoughts to ſuch a Lady; beſides, Joan cannot anſwer a Man as ſhe ſhould.

Maid

You lie, you Rogue, for I have anſwer’d better men then thou art, or ever wilt be.

Mimick

But can you talk Court-talks?

Maid

I know not what Court-talk is, but I can talk.

Mimick

Stand forth here, and I will court thee as a Gallant doth his Miſtreſs: Lady, your Beauty ſhines.

Maid

That is, becauſe I waſh’d it with ſome of the Beef-broth, and wiped it with a greaſie clout, I uſe to wipe the diſhes; otherwiſe, the great hot ſhining fire i’th’ Kitchin 65S1r 65 Kitchin would burn and parch it ſo dry, as it would be ſcurvy, or ſcabby.

Mimick

Setting aſide your baſted, roſted face, I muſt tell you, it is not the Courtly manner to interrupt a Man in his ſpeech; you muſt be ſilent until the end of the Speech, and then ſpeak; but you ſpoke when I had not ſaid above four words: hold your peace, and I’le begin again.

Lady, your Beauty ſhineth like a blazing-Star, whereon Men gaze, and in their Minds do wonder at the ſight; but the effects are not alike; your Beauty ſtrikes them not with fear, but Love; your frowns and ſmiles are Deſtiny and Fate, either to kill or cure.

Maid

What Language is this, French or Dutch, or Welch, or Iriſh, or Scotch!

Mimick

No, it is Greek and Hebrew.

Maid

Speak to me ſo, as I may underſtand you; otherwiſe, I cannot anſwer you.

Mimick

Joan, thy face ſhines like a Sea-coal fire.

Maid

Why, doth it look red?

Mimick

Faith, thy Noſe appears like a burning coal, rak’d over with black aſhes, but all thy face elſe appears like the outſide of a roaſted Pig.

Maid

You are a roaſted Aſs, for ſaying my face appears like the outſide of a roaſted Pig; my face is a face of God’s own making, and not a Pig’s face.

Mimick

No, I know your face is a Sow’s face; but I ſay the colour of your face is like the Coat of a roaſted Pig.

S Maid. 66 S1v 66

Maid

My face is as good a face as your own, without any diſpraiſe to the party.

Mimick

Which party? the Fools party, or the Sluts party?

Maid

Well, for ſaying my face is like a Pig’s Coat, i’faith when I roaſt a Pig again, you ſhall not have any part of it; and let me give you warning, you come not into the Kitchin; for if you do, I will fling a Ladle full of Drippings upon your Fools Coat.

Exit Maid.

Mimick

O wo is me! I ſhall loſe many a hot bit; but Maſter and Lady, this is your fault to make Joan and I fall out.

L. Vertue

We did not make you fall out.

Mimick

You commanded me to Court Joan, and ſhe doth not underſtand Courtſhips in words; for Joan is uſed to be kiſs’d, and not wooed; but I will go and promiſe Joan a kiſs, although I never pay it her; for the more hungry ſhe is, the better ſhe’l feed me.

Exeunt.

Act V. Scene I.

Enter Monſieur Facil, Monſieur Adviſer, and Monſieur Take-pleaſure.

Monſieur Take-pleaſure

Facil, I am come to fetch thee to the Horn-Tavern, for there be a number of Good-fellows that want thy Company.

Facil. 67 S2r 67

Facil

Stay, ſtay; I muſt go and make a Cuckold firſt.

Take-pleaſ

Thou haſt made a Hundred in thy time.

Facil

But I muſt go and make one to day; for I am going to meet a young beautiful Wife in private.

Take-pleaſ

Put off thy Meeting until another time.

Facil

That I cannot, I am ſo engaged; beſides, ſhe is a Lady of Honour.

Adviſer

Of Title you mean; for Ladies of Honour, or Honourable Ladies, do not uſe to have private Meetings with ſuch wild deboiſt Men as thou art; and if ſhe be a Wife, as you ſay ſhe is, it will be no great honour for her Husband.

Facil

You ſpeak as if you were a Married Man, and were ſenſible of a Husbands diſgrace.

Adviſer

The truth is, I find I have a Commiſeration and Compaſſion for Married Men.

Facil

But not when you are to lie with any of their Wives.

Adviſer

I ſeldom make love to Married Wives; for they are not worth the trouble and danger which a Man muſt paſs through before they can be enjoyed; beſides, a Man loſes a great deal of time in Wooing them, not but that they are as yielding, nay, more yielding then Maids; but they are more fearful to venture, leſt their Husbands ſhould know it.

Facil

Faith, Maids are more troubleſome and chargable then Wives; for they are apt to claim Marriage, or 68S2v 68 or to ſue for maintenance at leaſt; beſides, their lying in, and Chriſtening, breeding and bringing up of their Children, is an intollerable Charge; which charge is ſav’d with Married Wives; and for their Husbands, they are contented to wink, not willing to ſee their diſgraces, at leaſt not to divulge them.

Adviſer

Not all; for ſome will look with more eyes then their own, ſetting ſpies to watch them.

Facil

Thoſe are old-faſhioned Husbands, and not Mode-Husbands.

Adviſer

Indeed, I obſerve, that Mode-Husbands do not love their Wives, unleſs other Men Court them; and if your Miſtreſs’s Husband is ſuch a one, you ſhall not need to meet in private.

Facil

I think my Miſtreſs’s Husband is not ſo much of the French faſhion, although my Miſtreſs is Frenchified.

Take-pleaſ

What, has ſhe the French Pox?

Facil

I hope not; for Ladies of her Quality have not that foul infectious Diſeaſe; but I mean my Miſtreſs is in the French Faſhion, not in the French Diſeaſe: But farwell, for I muſt be gone; otherwiſe, I ſhall ſlip my time.

Take-pleaſ

Prithee go along with me.

Facil

I’le leave you, my friend here; for my ſelf I muſt go, otherwiſe I ſhould prove my ſelf a Fool, to loſe the time I have ſpent in Wooing, the Money I have given in bribing, the Sleeps I have miſt with watching, the 69T1r 69 the Proteſtations and Vows I have made in ſwearing, and my word that is paſt in promiſing, if I ſhould not meet her and enjoy her; but when I am parted from her, I will come to you.

Take-pleaſ

Well, I am content to ſpare thee ſo long; for I would not have thee a loſer, although my faith tells me, you will not gain much: But remember the meeting at the Horn-Tavern.

Facil

I ſhall not forget that ſign of any ſign; wherefore, doubt not of my Company.

Exeunt.

Scene II.

Enter Lady Vertue and Mimick.

Lady Vertue

Mimick, to my ſight you appear dull, ſince you are Married!

Mimick

Faith, I do not find my ſelf ſo lively as I was before I Married; for a Wife is a clog to a Man’s heels, and a cloud in a Man’s mind; but your Ladyſhip ſeems more lively ſince you were Married, then you did before.

Lady

The reaſon is, That a good Husband is a light to a Woman’s life, a friend to a Woman’s Vertue, and a Crown to a Woman’s honour.

Mimick

And an ill Wife is a Horn to a Man’s head, a Plague to a Man’s life, and a death to a Man’s wit.

T Lady. 70 T1v 70

Lady

Indeed your Mimick-Wit ſeems dead ſince you Married; but yet my Maid Nan, whom you Married, is a good Wife.

Mimick

Yes, when ſhe is in a good humor.

Lady

Let me adviſe you to return to your Mimick- humour, or I will tell your Wife, that you repent your Marriage.

Mimick

She may perceive that by my cold kindneſs; howſoever, I’le live like a Batchellor, although I am a Married Man.

Lady

How can you do ſo?

Mimick

Why, I will live Chaſt.

Lady

That will be well for Nan.

Enter Sir William Sage.

Sir W. Sage

Wife, I have invited ſome Strangers to dine with me to morrow; wherefore, I would have you dreſs your ſelf fine to entertain them.

Lady

If you like me in plain Garments as well as in rich, I care not how Strangers like me.

Sir W. Sage

I would have my Wife appear ſo handſome to Strangers, as they may approve of my Choice.

Lady

Some Men would be afraid if their Wives ſhould be ſeen by Strangers, leaſt they might like ſo well their Choice, as to chuſe them for their Miſtreſſes.

Sir W. Sage

But my Wife’s Vertue makes me fearleſs of Strangers.

Lady

But Vertue is not proved, until it be tryed.

Sir W. Sage

True love is never inconſtant.

Lady. 71 T2r 71

Lady

But true love is not known until it be tryed.

Sir W. Sage

I fear not a trial.

Lady

But a trial of Chaſtity is ſcandalous; for Overberry in his Characters ſays, That he comes not near, that comes to be denied.

Sir W. Sage

Then I will entertain the Strangers, and keep you in your Chamber.

Lady

I ſhall ſo.

Mimick

Madam, my Maſter having Strangers to morrow, pray let me add one diſh to the Feaſt.

Sir W. Sage

What Diſh is that, a dreſs’d Lady?

Mimick

No; for my skill in Phyſick doth plainly prove, that Ladies are unwholſome meat, they will give a Man a Surfeit; beſides, they are not taſtable, unleſs they be very tender and young; alſo, they are very chargable in dreſſing, they require ſo many Ingrediences and garniſhings to ſet them off, and ſo much ſauce to make them reliſh well, as would undo a poor Man; beſides, much art is required in the Dreſſing: So all conſidered, they are not worth the charge, labour and time, being but a faint, weak and ſickly meat at the beſt, but I have thought of other meat, which will be taſtable meat to a great Monarch.

Sir W. Sage

What meat is that?

Mimick

An Hodge-podge.

Sir W. Sage

It ſeems it is for a Dutch Monarch; but let us know how you will make it?

Mimick

Firſt, I will take Widows diſſembling tTears, 72T2v 72 Tears, Maids diſſembling Modeſty, Wives diſſembling Chaſtity, Curtiſans diſſembling Virginity, Puritanical Siſters diſſembling Piety, Autumnal Ladies diſſembling Beauty; and mixing all theſe Ingrediences together, I will put them into a Myſtical pot, and ſet it on a heatleſs fiery Meteor a ſtewing, and after it has ſtew’d ſome time, I’le put theſe Ingrediences to them, The Pride of Favourites, the Vanity of Courtiers, the Jugling of Stateſmen, the Fears of Cowards, the miſchiefs of Tumults, the Extortion of Magiſtrates, the Covetouſneſs of Uſurers, the Retards of Judges, the Quirks of Lawyers, the Opiniateneſs of Schollars, the Jealouſie of Lovers, the Deceit of Tradeſmen, the Brags of Soldiers, the Oaths of Gameſters, the Prodigality of young Heirs, the Diſeaſes of Drunkards, the Surfeits of Gluttons, and the diſhonour of Cuckolds; Likewiſe, I will put in a Fool’s Brain, a Liers Tongue, a Traiterous Heart, and a Thieves Hand; With which I’le ſtir all together, and after they have been well ſtew’d and ſtir’d together, I’le take this Hodg-podg and put it into a large diſh of Infamy, and garniſh it with the dotgaage of Age, the follies of Youth, the ſuperſtition of Idolaters, and the expectation of Chymiſts, and then ſerve it up to Pluto’s Table.

Lady

For once I will try my Huswifry to Cook a diſh of meat, which ſhall be a Bisk: Firſt, I will take the Truth of Religion, the Piety of Saints, the Chaſtity of Nunns, the Purity of Virginity, the Conſtancy of true 73V1r 73 true Love, the Unity of Friendſhip, the Innocency of Infants, the Wit of Poets, the Eloquence of Orators, the Learning of Scholars, the Valour of Soldiers, the Knowledg of Travellers, and Time’s Experience; And put all theſe into a pot of Renown, and ſet it on a Cœleſtial fire a ſtewing; after it has ſtew’d ſome time, I’le put in theſe Ingredients, Wholſome Temperance, ſtrengthning Fortitude, comfortable Juſtice, and ſavory Prudence; alſo, I’le add the bowels of Compaſſion, the Heart of Honeſty, the Brain of Wiſdom, the Tongue of Truth, and the Hand of Generoſity; and ſtir them well together, then I’le take them off, and put them into a diſh of Happineſs, and garniſh it with the Plenty of Proſperity, the Eaſe of Reſt, the Delight of Beauty, and the Tranquillity of Peace, and ſo ſerve it up to Jove’s Table. Thus I am a Cook-maid for the gods; but you are a Cook-man for the Devil, and all the meat you Cook, is burnt.

Mimick

I confeſs, Hell’s fire is great and ſcorching, and Hell’s Kitchin is very hot; but howſoever, my Maſter the Devil loves his meat thoroughly roaſted, and tenderly ſtew’d; but your Maſter Jove loves all his meat cold and raw; for there is not any fire in Heaven, and that is the reaſon you chuſe to be a Servant to the gods; becauſe you would not burn your face, leſt it ſhould ſpoile your Complexion; for Ladies are more careful of their Faces then their Souls; beſides, the cool and temperate air, and the cold diet of the gods, V which 74V1v 74 which breeds flegm, makes them patient; whereas, the Devil is dwelling in a Torrid Region, and eating dry roaſted meat, which breeds Choller, makes him furious; in ſo much, as he tortures his Servants with grievous pains.

Lady

Why do you ſerve him then?

Mimick

Becauſe, he gives great wages; I ſerve him for neceſſity, but ſome ſerve him for worldly honour, and ſome for worldly wealth, and ſome for worldly power, and ſome for one thing, and ſome for another; for none ſerves him for love, neither do the Servants of the gods ſerve them for love but for ſome reward.

Sir W. Sage

Let me perſwade you to change your Service.

Mimick

So I will, when I am old, and can ſerve the Devil no longer, then I will leave his Service, and ſerve the gods.

Sir W. Sage

But the gods will not then accept of your Service.

Mimick

But they will; for the gods refuſe not any that offer their ſervice; The truth is, the gods cannot get Servants enough to ſerve them, ſo as they are forced to take any that will but ſerve them; for the gods have but the Devils leavings and refuſals, as thoſe that are ſo old as to be paſt ſin; or ſo ſickly, as they cannot act ſin; or thoſe that are ſo young, as not to know ſin; for moſt of the gods Servants are aged and weak perſons, or young Children.

Sir 75 V2r 75

Sir W. Sage

I perceive you will wear out ſin, before you ſerve the gods.

Mimick

No, ſin ſhall wear out me, before I ſerve them.

Lady

You are a ſinful Rogue.

Mimick

All Mankind is ſo, more or leſs, even your L ordadyſhip; the gods bleſs you, and have mercy upon you.

Lady

Well, to puniſh you for your Sins, you ſhall eat no other meat but what your Poetical Fancy dreſſes.

Mimick

I ſhall be ſtarved then.

Exeunt.

Scene III.

Enter Monſieur Courtly, and Monſieur Adviſer.

Monſieur Adviſer

Courtly! ’tis ſtrange to ſee you in this humour, as dying for the love of one Woman, when as I thought you had taken a ſurfeit of all Womenkind!

Courtly

’Tis true, I have Courted ſome Women, and many Women have Courted me; but I did never truly love any Woman but this Woman, which I cannot enjoy.

Adviſer

Have you no hopes to linger your life a little time longer?

Courtly

Faith, I believe my life will continue, but my hopes are buried in deſpair.

Adviſer. 76 V2v 76

Adviſer

If you had but the opportunity to Court this Lady, you are ſo madly in love with, at any time, I am confident you may gain her good will; for Women are as various in their denials and conſentings to their Lovers, as they are in their faſhions and garments; for they will love and hate, and hate and love one and the ſame, many ſeveral times; as now love, then hate, now hate, then love; for Ladies affections change like the Seaſons, or the Weather, as ſometimes hot, and ſometimes cold, and ſometimes luke-warm.

Courtly

The affections of the Lady I love, are at all times cold, even to numneſs; for ſhe is inſenſible towards me, and to all Lovers elſe, for any thing I can perceive.

Adviſer

Is ſhe ſuch a frozen Lady?

Courtly

Yes faith; for I think ſhe is compoſed of Ice, or a ſtatue made of Snow.

Adviſer

If ſhe be compoſed of Ice or Snow, I dare aſſure you, ſhe may be melted.

Courtly

How?

Adviſer

Why, be you in the Torrid Zone of Mode, in Speech, Behaviour and Accouſtrements, and let your Garments be ſo rich, as to ſhine in Gold and Silver, whoſe gliſtering rayes will caſt a glorious ſplendor; then addreſs your ſelf in Poetical flames, and being a hot Lover, you will thaw her into your arms, and melt her unto your deſire: Thus a Weſtern Lover, and a Northern Lady may meet in Conjunction together.

Courtly. 77 X1r 77

Courtly

But cold Chaſtity has congealed and cryſtallined this Lady, in ſo much, as the hotteſt Lover with all his Poetical flames, and ſplenderous rayes of Youth, Beauty, Title, Wealth or Bravery, has not power to change or alter her worth and honour; for like a durable Diamond ſhe is, and will remain.

Adviſ

Who is the Owner of this rich Jewel?

Court

Sir W.William Sage, who is a wiſe, valiant man, and will not part from her, nor ſuffer any Man to take her from him; for he wears her in his heart, and ſhe is the delight of his Life, and the Crown of his Honour, in which he takes more Glory, pride and pleaſure, then to be Crowned Emperor of the whole World.

Adviſer

He hath reaſon; for a Man may ſooner conquer the World, then find ſuch another Chaſt Woman as ſhe is.

Courtly

Well, ſince I cannot obtain my deſire, I will travel.

Adviſer

That is the beſt for you to do, for ſo you may tire out Love.

Courtly

Or Love tire out me.

Adviſer

Faith, you are tir’d out of Courtſhip, and if you can tire out Love, you will do well; but before you go to Travel, you muſt go to a dancing- meeting of Ladies and Gentlemen.

Exeunt. Enter Longlife, and Aged.

Aged

Mr. Longlife, I am come to tell you, That your Son Mercury hath ſtoln away my Daughter X Fancy 78X1v 78 Fancy; and as I hear, they are gone to Apollo’s Church to be Married.

Longl

Mr. Aged, I am ſorry for it, and wiſh he had ſtoln a Challenge, when he ſtole your Daughter.

Aged

And I wiſh my Daughter had Married an Aſs, rather then Marry your Son.

Longl

Well, if they be Married, as ſure they are, if they have any Children we will endeavour to breed them Fools.

Aged

We will ſo.

Enter the Married Couple: They kneel down.

Merc

We deſire your Bleſſing.

Longl

Well, ſince you are Married, God bleſs you; But Son and Daughter in Law, I deſire and command youu in the name of a Father, that you will leave Verſifying, Rhyming, Similizing, and the like, but ſtudy the Politicks, and that will abate your Wit.

Aged

They may ſtudy Virgils Georgicks, for that treats of good Husbandry.

Longl

Yes, brother Aged, but it is in Verſe, and whatſoever they get in Husbandry, they will loſe by the Rhyme.

Aged

By the Maſs you ſay true, Brother Longlife.

Longl

Well Brother, although they have Married againſt our conſent, yet we will celebrate their Marriage with Feaſting, Mirth, and Muſick.

Merc

Muſick Sir, is a part of Poetry, and belongs to the Muſes.

Longl. 79 X2r 79

Longl

Yes, yes, but not ſuch Muſick as we will have, two or three Scraping Fidlers, that plays neither tune nor time.

Enter the Lady Fancy as a Bride, and Sir Mercury Poet as Bridegroom; and all the Ladies and Gentlemen that were Guests at the firſt Wedding.

Aged

Brother Longlife, we are not for theſe active ſports, our dancing-days are done.

Longl

You ſay true, brother Aged; but in our younger years we were as agil as the beſt of them all.

A young Lady takes out Longlife to dance.

Lady

Sir, although you be old, you may walk a grave meaſure, as a Paven.

Longl

Say you ſo, my Girl; and i’faith I will try what my old legs will do; here brother Aged you ſhall hold my ſtaff whil’ſt I dance.

Aged

Nay, b’r’lady, your ſtaff brother Longlife will help to prop up your weakneſs; and ſince a young Lady hath choſe you to dance with, I will chuſe out a Lady to dance with me; but the Muſicians muſt play ſlow, or we ſhall not keep time; wherefore, Muſicians let not your Fiddles go faſter then our Legs, nor your Tunes to be younger then our years, but an old Paven.

The 80 X2v 80 The Old Men dance with two Young Ladies, they dance ſoftly, but right, and keep time. The Young Men ſmile.

Aged

You young Men ſmile, buut we could have danced as nimbly as you can now.

Merc

You will teach us a ſober pace, Sir.

Longl

No Son, Time muſt teach you that, to which we will leave you, and my Brother and I will reſt our Legs whil’ſt you tire your Legs: Come brother Aged, let us leave them to their Mirth, Muſick, and Youth.

The ACTORS NAMES.

Monſieur

Take-pleaſure,

Adviſer,

Facil.

Courtly.

Bridemen.

Maſter Longlife.

Maſter Aged.

Sir Mercury Poet, and the Lady Fancy his Bride.

Sir William Sage, and the Lady Vertue his Bride.

Sir John Amorous, and the Lady Coy his Bride.

Madam Mediator. And other Ladies.

Mimick the Fool.

Joan, a Cook-maid.