of a mad Dogge:
a Soppe for
Jaylor of Hell.
Confutation but a
ſharpe Redargution of the
bayter of Women.
―― dux fæmina facti.
Printed for Laurence Hayes, and are to be
ſold at his ſhop neere Fleet-bridge, over
againſt St. Brides Lane. 16171617.
To the right worshipful lady her moſt deare Mother, the Lady Prudentia Munda, the true patterne of Pietie and Vertue, C.M.Constantia Munda wiſheth increaſe of happineſſe.
As firſt your paines in bearing me was ſuch
A benefit beyond requitall, that t’were much
To thinke what pangs of ſorrow you ſuſtain’d
In child-birth, when mine infancy obtain’d
The vitall drawing in of ayre, ſo your love
Mingled with care hath ſhewen it ſelfe, above
The ordinary courſe of Nature: ſeeing you ſtill
Are in perpetuall Labour with me, even untill
The ſecond birth of education perfect me,
You Travaill ſtill though Churched oft you be.
In recompence whereof what can I give,
But what I take, even that I live,
Next to the heavens ’tis yours. Thus I payMy vi A3v
My debt by taking up at intereſt, and lay
To pawne that which I borrow of you: ſo
The more I give I take, I pay, I owe.
Yet leſt you thinke I forfait ſhall my bond
I here preſent you with my writing hand.
Some trifling minutes I vainely did beſtow
In penning of theſe lines that all might know
The ſcandals of our adverſarie, and
I had gone forward had not Heſter hang’d
Haman before: yet what here I wrote
Might ſerve to ſtop the curs wide throat,
Untill the haltar came, ſince which I ceaſt
To proſecute what I intended, leſt
I ſhould be cenſur’d that I undertooke
A worke that’s done already: ſo his booke
Hath ſcapt my fingers, but in like caſe
As a malefactor changeth place
From Newgate unto Tiburne, whoſe good hope
Is but to change his ſhackels for a rope.
Although this be a toy ſcarce worth your view,
Yet deigne to reade it, and accept in lieu
Of greater dutie, for your gracious looke
Is a ſufficient Patrone to my booke.
This is the worſt diſgrace that can be had.
A Ladies daughter worm’d a dog that’s mad.
Your loving Daughter
To Joſeph Swetnam.
What? is thy ſhameles muſe ſo fleg’d in ſin
So cocker’d up in miſchiefe? or haſt bin
Train’d up by Furies in the ſchoole of vice,
Where the licentious Devils hoyſt the price
Of uncought miſchiefe, & make a ſet reward,
For hell-hound ſlanderers that nought regard
Their reputation, or the wholeſome Lawes
Of Vertues Common-wealth, but ſeek applauſe
By rayling and reviling to deprave
The mirrour of Creation, to out-brave
Even heaven it ſelfe with folly: could the ſtraine
Of that your barren-idle-donghill braine,
As from a Chymick Limbeck ſo diſtill
Your poyſon’d drops of hemlocke, and ſo fill
The itching eares of ſilly ſwaines, and rude
Truth-not-diſcerning ruſticke multitude
With ſottiſh lies, with bald and ribald lines,
Patcht out of Engliſh writers that combines
Their higheſt reach of emulation but to pleaſeThe viii A4v
The giddy-headed vulgar: whoſe diſeaſe
Like to a ſwelling dropſie, thirſts to drinke
And ſwill the puddles of this naſty ſinke:
Whence through the channels of your muddy wit,
Your hotch-potcht work is drawn and the ſlimy pit
Of your invective pamphlet fild to th’brim
With all defiled ſtreames, yet many ſwimme
And bath themſelves (oh madnes) in that floud
Of miſchiefe, with delight, and deem that good
Which ſpoyls their reaſōon, being not underſtood.
When people view not wel your divelliſh book,
Like nibling fiſh they ſwallow bait and hooke
To their deſtruction, when they not deſcry
Your baſe and moſt unreverent blaſphemy.
How in the ruffe of fury you diſgrace
(As much as in you lies) and doe deface
Natures beſt ornament; and thinkſt th’aſt done
An act deſerving commendation;
Whereas thy merits being brought in ſight,
Exclaime thus on thee, Gallows claime thy right.
Woman the crowne, perfection, & the meanes
Of all mens being, and their well-being, whence
Is the propagation of all humane kinde,
Wherein the bodies frame, th’intellect and mind
With all their operations doe firſt finde
Their Eſſence and beginning, where doth lieThe ix B1r
The mortall meanes of our eternity,
Whoſe vertues, worthineſſe, reſplendent rayes
Of perfect beauty have alwaies had the praiſe
And admiration of ſuch glorious wits,
Which Fame the worlds great Herauld ſits,
Crowning with Lawrel wreaths & Mirtle bows,
The tribute and reward of learned browes,
And that this goodly peece of nature be
Thus ſhamefully deteſted, and thus wrong’d by thee.
How could your vild untutour’d muſe infold
And wrap it ſelfe in envious, cruell, bold,
Nay impudent detraction, and then throw
And hurle without regard your venom’d darts
Of ſcandalous reviling, at the hearts
Of all our female ſexe promiſcuouſly,
Of commons, gentry, and nobility?
Without exceptions hath your ſpungie pate
(Voyd in it ſelfe of all things but of hate)
Suckt up the dregs of folly, and the lees
Of mercenary Paſquils, which doe ſqueeſe
The glaunders of abuſes in the face
Of them that are the cauſe that humane race
Keepes his continuance: could you be ſo mad
As to deprave, nay to call that bad
Which God calls good? can your filthy clawes
Scratch out the image that th’ Almighty drawesB In x B1v
In us his pictures? no! things ſimply good,
Keep ſtil their eſſence, though they be withſtood
By all the complices of hell: you cannot daunt
Not yet diminiſh, (how ere you baſely vaunt,
With bitter termes) the glory of our Sex,
Nor, as you michingly ſurmize, you vexe
Us with your dogged rayling, why! we know;
Vertue oppos’d is ſtronger, and the foe
That’s queld and foyld, addeth but more
Triumph to th’ conqueſt then there was before.
Wherefore be advised, ceaſe to raile
On them that with advantage can you quaile.
The Worming of a madde Dogge.
The itching deſire of oppreſſing the preſſe with many ſottiſh and illiterate Libels, ſtuft with all manner of ribaldry, and ſordid inventions, when every foule-mouthed male-content may diſgorge Tincta licambæo ſanguine tela dabit, in Ibin. his Licambæan poyſon in the face of all the world, hath broken out into ſuch a diſmall contagion in theſe our dayes, that every ſcandalous tongue and opprobrious witte, like the Italian Mountebanks will advance their pedling wares of detracting virulence in the publique Piatza of every Stationers ſhoppe. And Printing that was invented to be the ſtore-houſe of famous wits, the treaſure of Divine literature, the pandect and maintainer of all Sciences, is become the receptacle of every diſſolute Pamphlet. The nurſery and hoſpitall of every ſpurious and penurious brat, which proceeds from baſe phreneticallB2 ticall 2 B2v 2 ticall braine-ſicke bablers. When ſcribimus indocti muſt be the motto of every one that fooles himſelfe in Print: tis ridiculous! but when ſcribimus inſani ſhould bee the ſigniture of every page, tis lamentable our times ſo ſtupidly poſſeſt and benumd with folly, that wee ſhall verifie the Proverbe, L’uſanza commune non è peccato, ſinnes cuſtome-houſe hath non ſine privilegio, writ upon his dores, as though community in offence could make an immunitie: No! uſe of ſinne is the ſoules extortion, a biting fænorie that eates out the principle. Yet wofull experience makes it too true, conſuetudo peccandi tollit ſenſum peccati, as may bee ſeene by the workes of divers men that make their pens their penſils to limme out vice that it may ſeeme delicious and amiable; ſo to detract from vertue and honeſty, as though their eſſence were onely in outward appearance of goodneſſe, as if mortality were onely circumſcribed within the conditions of our ſex, cælum ipſum petimus ſtultitia, fooliſh man will reprehend his Creator in the admirable worke of his generation and conſervation: Woman the ſecond edition of the Epitome of the whole world, the ſecond Tome of that goodly volume compiled by the great God of heaven and earth is moſt ſhamefully blurd, and derogatively raſed by ſcribling penns of ſavage & uncought monſters. To what an irregular ſtraine is the daring impudence of blind-fold bayards aſpired unto? that they will preſume to call in queſtion even the moſt abſolute worke compoſed by the worlds great Architect?tect? 3 B3r 3 tect? A ſtrange blaſphemy to finde fault with that which the Privy Councell of the high and Gen.I.Gen.1 mighty Parliament of the inſcrutable Tri-unitie in Heaven determined to be very good. To call that imperfect, froward, crooked and perverse to make an arraignment and Beare-baiting of that which the Pantocrator would in his omniſcient wiſedome have to be the conſummation of his bleſſed weekes worke, the end, crowne, and perfection of the never-ſufficiently glorified creation. What is it but an exorbitant phrenſie, and wofull taxation of the ſupreme deitie. Yet woman μικρόκοσμος. the greateſt part of the leſſer world is generally become the ſubject of every pedanticall gooſe-quill. Every fantaſticke Poetaſter which thinkes he hath lickt the vomit of his Coriphæus and can but patch a hobling verſe together, will ſtrive to repreſent unſeemely figments imputed to our ſex, (as a pleaſing theme to the vulgar) on the publique Theatre: teaching the worſer ſort that are more prone to luxurie, a compendious way to learne to be ſinfull. Theſe foule mouth’d raylers, qui non vident ut corrigant, ſed quærunt quid reprehendant, that reproove not that they might reforme, but pry into actions that they might carpe and cavill: ſo that in this infamous profeſſion they farre exceed the vildeſt kinde of Phariſaicall oſtentation, and ſo ſurmounting beyond Aut ut Anaxarchus pila minuaris in alta. Benvenuto. Ital. in Ibin. all compariſon railing Anaxarchus, who for his detracting and biting tongue was peſtled to death in a brazen morter. Who as a learned Tuſcan ſpeaketh, gli miſeri vanno a tentone altrevolte B3 a car- 4 B3v 4 a carpone per facer mercatantia dell’altrui da lor inventata è ſeminata vergogna, impudicamente cercano l’altrui deſhonor erger la meretricia fronte & malzar la impudiche corna: theſe wretched miſcreants goe groaping, and ſometimes on all foure, to traffique with other folkes credits by their owne divulged and diſpersed ignominie. That impudently ſeeke by others diſhonour to ſet a ſhameleſſe face on the matter, and thus to put out their immodeſt hornes to butt at, and gore the name and reputation of the innocent, being ſo beſotted with a baſe and miſerable condition, and blinde in themſelves, they bluſh not in their tongues to carry the gall of Rabilius, and in their chaps the poyſon of Colimachus in their mouthes, the flame of mount Ætna in their eyes, Jupiters lightning which he darted at the Centaures, in their thoghts Bellonaes arrowes, in their ſerpentine words the bitterneſſe of Sulmo againſt Orbecca, blending and Plus aloes quam mellis habent. commixing all their diſcourſe with epaticke aloes and unſavourie ſimples, deriving all their ingredients of their venomed Recipes from the Apothecaries ſhop of the Devill. Notwithſtanding, as the ſame learned man metaphorically ſpeakes, Coteſti uſei ſcangerati, cittá ſenza muro, navi ſenza governo, vaſi ſenza coperto cavalli indomiti ſenza freno non conſiderano. Theſe wide open-dores, theſe unwalled townes, theſe rudderleſſe ſhippes, theſe uncoverd veſſels, theſe unbrideled horſes doe not conſider that the tongue being a very little member ſhould never goe out of that ſame ivory gate, in which, (not without a great myſtery)ſterie) 5 B4r 5 ſtery) divine wiſedome and nature together hath encloſed, it ſignifying that a man ſhould give him ſelfe eyther to vertuous ſpeech, or prudent ſilence, and not let tongue and pen runne up and downe like a weaponed madde-man, to ſtrike and wound any without partiality, every one without exception, to make ſuch an univerſall maſſacre ( Un coup de langue eſt plus dan gereux qu’un coup de lance. GalGallic: provproverb: for ſo I may terme it, ſeeing words make worſe wounds then ſwords) yet leſt villanie domineere and triumph in furie, wee will manicle your diſſolute fiſt, that you deale not your blowes ſo unadviſedly. Though feminine modeſty hath confin’d our rareſt and ripeſt wits to ſilence, wee acknowledge AjAjax: γυναιξὶ κοσμὸνἣ σίγη φέρει : it our greateſt ornament, but when neceſſity compels us, tis as great a fault and folly loquenda tacere, ut contra gravis eſt culpa tacenda loqui, being too much provoked by arrainments, baytings, and rancarous impeachments of the reputation of our whole ſex, ſtulta est clementia―― perituræ parcere cartæ, opportunity of ſpeaking ſlipt by ſilence, is as bad as importunity upheld Loqui quæ decet eſt melius quam tacere. by babling λαλει̂ν ἁ πρέπει, κρει̂ττον ἤ σιωπα̂ν. Know therefore that wee will cancell your accuſations, travers your bils, and come upon you for a falſe inditement, and thinke not tis our waſpiſhneſſe that ſhall ſting you; no ſir, untill we ſee your malepert ſauſineſſe reformed, which will not be till Literam longam trahere. you doe make a long letter to us, we will continue Juno’es,Non ſic abibunt odia vivaces aget violentus iras animus Sanusque dolor æterna bella pace ſublatâ geret.
Notwithſtanding for all your injuries as Gelo Siracu- 6 B4v 6 Siracuſanus anſwered Syagrius the Spartane, You ὀὐ με πείσειςἀσχήμοναἐν τη̂ἀμοιβηγί-νεθαι ſhall not induce mee though ſtird with anger, to demean my ſelfe unreverently in the retribution of your injuries. Your idoll muſe, and muſing being idle (as your learned Epiſtle beginneth) ſhall bee no plea to make your viperous ſcandals ſeeme pleaſing, ipſa excuſatio culpa eſt. Where by the way I note your untoward nature contrary to all men, for wheras in all others of your ſex by your confeſſion, idleneſſe ingendreth love, in you hate: you ſay in the dedication of your booke to your miſtreſſes the common ſort of women, that you had little eaſe to paſſe the time withall, but now ſeeing you have baſely wron’gd our wearied and wurried Patience with your inſolent invective madneſſe, you ſhall make a ſimple converſion of your propoſition, and take your paſtime in little eaſe: why? if you delight to ſow thornes, is it not fit you ſhould goe on them bare-foot and bare- legged. Your idle muſe ſhall be frankt up, for while it is at liberty, moſt impiouſly it throwes Livi lib. 2. durt in the face of halfe humane kinde. Coriolanus when hee ſaw his mother and his wife weeping, naturall love compeld him to leave ſacking the City for their ſakes, ab hoc exemplum cape, but your barbarous hand will not ceaſe to ruine the ſenſes, and beleager the forces of Gynæcia, not ſparing the mother that brought forth ſuch an untoward whelp into the world as thy ſelfe, playing at blindman-buffe with all, ſcattering thy diſſolute language at whomſoever comes next: you never heard of a boy, an unlucky gallowes that threw ſtones 7 C1r 7 ſtones in the market-place he knew not whither: the wiſely-cynicke Philoſopher bade him take heed leſt he hit his father. Nomine mutato narretur fabula de te. You might eaſily, if you had had the grace, perceive what uſe to make of it. But you goe forward, pretending you were in great choller againſt ſome women, and in the ruffe of your furie. Grant one abſurditie, a thouſand follow: Alas (good Sir) wee may eaſily gather you were mightily tranſported with paſſion. Anger and madneſſe differ but in time. T’were a pleaſant ſight to ſee you in your great ſtanding choller and furious ruffe together. Your choller (no doubt) was A little ſinne. too great for a Spaniſh peccadillo, and your ſhagge ruffe ſeemed ſo greeſly to ſet forth your ill-locking viſage, that none of your ſhee-adverſaries durſt attempt to confront your follie. But now let us talke with you in your cold bloud. Now the lees of your furie are ſettled to the bottome, and your turbulent minde is defæcated and clearer, lets have a parle with you. What if you had cauſe to be offended with ſome (as I cannot excuſe all) muſt you needs ſhoot your paper-pellets out of your potgun-pate at all women? Remember (ſweet Sir) the counſell of Neſtor to Achilles: ――Σὺ δὲ μεγαλήτορα θυμòν ἴσχειν ἐν στηθεσσι φιλοφροσύνη γὰρ ἀμείνων.
Animūum tu pectore fortem cōontineas, ſibi qui bene temperas optimus eſto. It had beene the part of humanitie to have ſmothered your anger, hoping amends and reconcilement, and not preſently to wrecke your ſpleene. Architas in Tullie would have taught you : 4. another leſſon: Quo te inquit modo accepiſſem niſi C iratus 8 C1v 8 iratus eſſem? But you (like a hare-braind ſcold) ſet your clawes in the face of the whole world. But this argues your levitie joyn’d with degenerate cowardize: for had you but conſidered with mature deliberation that (as Virgil ſpeakes) ―― Aeneid.2. . nullum memorabile nomenFœminea in pœna eſt, nec habet victoria laudem. Tis a poore atchievement to overcome a woman, you would never have beene ſo grievouſly troubled with the over-flowing of the gall, neither would the reliſh of your furr’d palate have beene ſo bitter, as what delicates ſoever you taſted ſhould become unpleaſing. I read of a mad fellow, which had loſt his goods by ſea, that whatſoever ſhips had come into the port at Athens, he would take a catalogue of them, and very buſie would he be in making an inventorie of the goods they brought in and received, thinking all to bee his. So you having peradventure had ſome curſt wife that hath given you as good as you brought, whatſoever faults you eſpie in others, you take that to heart: you run a madding up and downe to make a ſcrole of female frailties, and an inventorie of meretriciall behaviours, aſcribing them to thoſe that are joyned in the ſacred bands of matrimonie. Becauſe you have beene guld with braſſe money, will you thinke no coyne currant? Becauſe you have ſuffered ſhipwracke, will you diſſwade any from venturing to trafficke beyond Seas? Beſides, you ſhew your ſelfe unjuſt in not obſerving a ſymmetrie and proportion of reuengevenge and the offence: for a pelting injurie ſhould not 9 C2r 9 not provoke an opprobrious calumnie; a private abuſe of your owne familiar doxies ſhould not breake out into open ſlanders of the religious matron together with the proſtitute ſtrumpet; of the nobly-deſcended Ladies, as the obſcure baſe vermine that have bitten you; of the chaſte and modeſt virgins, as well as the diſſolute and impudent harlot. Becauſe women are women, you will doe that in an houre, which you will repent you of all your life time after. Nay rather, if the ruffe of your furie would have let you lookt over it, you would have diverted the floud-gates of your poiſoned ſtreames that way where you perceived the common ſhore to run, and not have polluted and ſtained the cleere and cryſtalline waters. Becauſe women are not women, rather might be a fit ſubject . Sat. 6. of an ingenious Satyriſt. Cum alterius ſexus imitata figuram eſt: the reaſon is, Quàm præſtare poteſt mulier galeata pudorem, Quæ fugit à ſexu? But when women are women, when wee ſaile by the true compaſſe of honeſt and religious converſation, why ſhould you be ſo doggedly incenſed to barke in generall? why ſhould you imploy your invention to lay open new faſhions of lewdneſſe, which the worſt of women ſcarce ever were acquainted with? imitating the vice of that Pagan Poet, whoſe indignation made verſes, whoſe filthy reprehenſion opened the doores of unbridled luxurie, and gave a preſident of all admired wickedneſſe, and bruitiſh ſenſualitie, to ſucceeding .3.lib. Poet. cap. 9. ages; whom great Scaliger indeed cenſurethC2 reth 10 C2v 10 reth not worthy to be read of a pious and ingenuous man. That Satyr brands all his Countreywomen with the ſame marke: Iamque eadem ſummis pariter minimiſque libido eſt,Nec melior pedibus ſilicem quæ conterit atrum,Quàm quæ longorum vehitur cervice Syrorum. But he lived in a nation earthly, devilliſh, ſenſuall, given over to a reprobate ſenſe, that wrought all filthineſſe with greedineſſe. But you, ſir, were whelpt in a better age, at leaſt in a better climate, where the Goſpell is preached, and the voice of the Turtle is heard in our land; where you might ſee (if you could perfectly diſtinguiſh) if you were not in the gall of bitterneſſe. Matchleſſe beauties and glorious vertues ſhining together, you might behold (if outragious rage had not drawne a filme over your eye-ſight) the goodly habiliments of the minde combined with the perfection of outward comelineſſe and ornaments of the body. Is there not as many monuments erected to the famous eternizing of charitable deeds of women renowned in their generations, as trophees to the moſt couragious Potentates? In the commemorations of founders and benefactors, how many women have emulated your ſex in bountifull exhibitions to religious uſes and furtherance of pietie? I might produce infinite examples, if neede were: but bray a foole in a morter (ſaid the wiſe man) yet he will not leave his foolerie: Neither if whole volumes were compiled againſt your manifeſt calumnies, would you ever be brought to a palinodie and recantation. Wee have your confeſſionfeſſion 11 C3r 11 feſſion under your owne hand, where you ſay you might have emploied your ſelfe to better uſe than in ſuch an idle buſineſſe. True: Πολλακὶ τοὶ καὶ μωρὸς ἀνηρ κατα και̂ριον εἴπε. A foole ſpeakes ſometimes to the purpoſe. If you muſt needs be digiting your pen, the time had beene farre better ſpent if you had related to the world ſome ſtories of your travels, with a Gentleman learneder and wiſer then your ſelfe: ſo you might have beguiled the time, and expoſed your Mr. Th˙Coriat, Quid enim maiore cachinno accipitur vulgi. ridiculous wit to laughter: you might have told how hardly ſuch an unconſtant bella curtizana de Venetijs entertained you, how your teeth watered, and after your affections were poiſoned with their hainous evils; how in the beginning of your In his firſt Epiſtle. thirty yeeres travell and odde, your conſtitution inclined and you were addicted to prie into the various actions of looſe, ſtrange, lewd, idle, froward and inconſtant women; how you happened (in ſome Stewes or Brothelhouſes) to be acquainted with their cheats and evaſions; how you came to be ſo expert in their ſubtile qualities; how politikely you caught the daughter in the oven, yet never was there your ſelfe; how in your voyages your ſtomacke was cloyd with theſe ſurfets, and therefore being a traveller, you had reaſon to cenſure hardly of women. Have you traveld halfe as long againe as that famous πόλλων δ’ ἀν-θρώπωνἴδεν ἀστεακαίνόονἔγνω Pilgrim, which knew the faſhions of many men, and ſaw their Cities? Have you out-ſtript him in time, and come ſo ſhort of him in knowledge? Is this all the manners you have learned abroad, theſe C3 thirty 12 C3v 12 thirty and odde yeeres? Is this the benefit of your obſervations? Is this all the profit your Country ſhall reape by your forraine endevours? to bring home a company of idle humours of light huſwives which you have noted, and divulge them in print to your owne diſgrace and perpetuall obloquie? Have you traveld three times as long as an Elephant, and is this the firſt fruit, nay all the fruit of your idle addle coxcombe? Certainly you miſ-ſpent your time in your travels: for it had beene more profitable for you, if you had brought dogges from Iceland; better for your Countrey, if you had kept a dogge there ſtill. But tis eaſie to give a reaſon of your exaſperate virulence, from your being a traveller: for it is very likely when you firſt went abroad to ſee faſhions, twas your fortune to light amongſt ill company, who trying what metall you were made of, quickly matriculated you in the ſchoole of vice, where you proved a moſt apt Non-proficient, and being guld of your patrimonie, your purſe was turned into a paſſe, and that by women. Like a dogge that bites the ſtone which had almoſt beat out his braines, you come home ſwaggering:Prodiga non ſentit pereuntem fœmina cenſum, At velut exhauſta redivivus pullulet arca Nummus, & è pleno ſemper tollatur acervo, Non unquāam reputant quantum ſibi gaudia conſtant.
Which if you cannot underſtand, is to this ſenſe:
A laviſh woman thinkes there is no ſtint
Unto her purſe: as though thou hadſt a mint,She 13 C4r 13
She caſts no count what money ſhee’l beſtow,
As if her coine as faſt as t’ebd, did flow.
Such it may be (I ſpeake but on ſuſpicion) were the conditions of thoſe minions your minoritie had experience of in your voyages. Wherefore none either good or bad, faire or foule, of what eſtate ſoever, of what parentage or royall deſcent and lineage ſoever, how well ſoever nurtured and qualified, ſhall ſcape the convicious violence of your prepoſterous procacitie. Why did you not ſnarle at them directly that wronged you? Why did not you collimate your infectious Javelins at the right marke? If a theefe take your purſe from you, will you maligne and ſwagger with every one you meet? If you be beaten in an Ale-houſe, will you ſet the whole Towne afire? If ſome curtezans that you have met with in your travels (or rather that have met with you) have ill intreated you, muſt honeſt and religious people be the ſcope of your malicious ſpeeches and reprochfull tearmes? Yet it may be you have a further drift, to make the world beleeve you have an extraordinary gift of continencie; ſoothing your ſelfe with this ſuppoſition, that this open reviling is ſome token and evidence you never were affected with delicate and effeminate ſenſualitie, thinking this pamphlet ſhould aſſoile thee from all manner of levie and taxation of a laſcivious life; as if, becauſe you cynically raile at all both good and bad, you had beene hatcht up without concupiſcence; Ira. Concupiſcentia. as if nature had beſtowed on you all θυμὸς, and no ἐπιθυμία. Twas ſpoken of Euripides, that he hated 14 C4v 14 hated women in choro, but not in thoro, in calamo, but not in thalamo: and why cannot you be liable to the ſame objection? I would make this excuſe for you, but that the crabbedneſſe of your ſtile, the unſavory periods of your broken-winded ſentences perſwade your body to be of the ſame temper as your minde. Your ill-favoured countenance, your wayward conditions, your peeviſh and pettiſh nature is ſuch, that none of our ſex with whom you have obtained ſome partiall conference, could ever brooke your dogged frompard frowardneſſe: upon which male-contented deſperation, you hanged out your flagge of defiance againſt the whole world, as a prodigious monſtrous rebell againſt nature. Beſides, if your curriſh diſpoſition had dealt with men, you Like for like. were afraid that Lex talionis would meet with you; wherefore you ſurmized, that inveighing againſt poore illiterate women, we might fret and bite the lip at you, wee might repine to ſee our ſelves baited and toſt in a blanket, but never durſt in open view of the vulgar either diſcloſe your blaſphemous and derogative ſlanders, or maintaine the untainted puritie of our glorious ſex: nay, you’l put gagges in our mouthes, and conjure us all to ſilence: you will firſt abuſe us, then binde us to the peace; wee muſt be tongue-tied, leſt in ſtarting up to finde fault, wee prove our ſelves guiltie of thoſe horrible accuſations. The ſinceritie of our lives, and quietneſſe of conſcience, is a wall of braſſe to beat backe the bullets of your vituperious ſcandals in your owne face. Tis 15 D1r 15 Tis the reſolved Aphoriſme of a religious ſoule to anſwere, ego ſic vivam ut nemo tibi fidem adhibeat: by our well-doings to put to ſilence the reports of fooliſh men, as the Poet ſpeakes;Vivendum recte tum propter plurima, tum de his Præcipue cauſis ut linguas mancipiorum contemnas.
Live well for many cauſes; chiefly this,
To ſcorne the tongue of ſlaves that ſpeake amiſſe.
Indeed I write not in hope of reclaiming thee from thy profligate abſurdities, for I ſee what Unde altior eſſet caſus & impulſae præceps immane ruinæ. a pitch of diſgrace and ſhame thy ſelfe-pining envie hath carried thee to, for thy greater vexation and more perplexed ruine. You ſee your blacke grinning mouth hath beene muzled by a modeſt and powerfull hand, who hath judiciouſly bewrayed, and wiſely layed open your ſingular ignorance, couched under incredible impudence, who hath moſt gravely (to ſpeake in your owne language) unfoulded every pleat, and ſhewed every rinckle of a prophane and brutiſh diſpoſition, ſo that tis a doubt whether ſhee hath ſhewed more modeſty or gravity, more learning or prudence in the religious confutation of your undecent raylings. But as ſhee hath beene the firſt Champion of our ſexe that would encounter with the barbarous bloudhound, and wiſely dammed up your mouth, and ſealed up your jawes leſt your venomed teeth like madde dogges ſhould damage the credit of many, nay all innocent damoſels; ſo no doubt, if your ſcurrilous and depraving tongue breake priſon, and falls to licking up your vomitedD ted 16 D1v 16 ted poyſon, to the end you may ſquirt out the ſame with more pernicious hurt, aſſure your ſelfe there ſhall not be wanting ſtore of Helebore to ſcoure the ſinke of your tumultuous gorge, at leaſt we will cram you with Antidotes and Catapotions, that if you ſwell not till you burſt, yet your digeſted poyſon ſhall not be contagious. I heare you foame at mouth and groule againſt the Author with another head like the triple dog of hell, wherefore I have provided this ſop for Cerberus, indifferent well ſteept in vineger. I know not how your pallat will bee pleaſed with it to make you ſecure hereafter. Ile take the paines to worme the tongue of your madneſſe, and daſh your rankling teeth downe your throat: tis not houlding up a wiſpe, nor threatning a cuckingſtoole ſhall charme us out of the compaſſe of your chaine, our pens ſhall throttle you, or like Archilochus with our tart Iambikes make you Lopez his godſon: we will thruſt thee like Phalaris into thine owne brazen bull, and baite thee at thy owne ſtake, and beate thee at thine owne weapon, Quippe minuti ſemper & infirmi eſt animi exiguique voluptas ultio: continuo ſic collige quod vindicta nemo magis gaudet quam fæmina. Tis your Poets owne aſſertion, that ultion being the delight of Quem diri conſcia facti mens habet attonitūum & ſurdo verbere cædit. Occultum quatiente animo tortore flagellum. a weake and feeble minde belongs to us. Thou that in thy ſelfe feeleſt the laſh of folly, thou that confeſſeſt thy ſelfe to be in a fault, nay that thou haſt offended beyond ſatisfaction, for tis hard to give a recompence for a ſlander: thou that acknowledgeſt thy ſelfe to be madde, in a rough furie,rie, 17 D2r 17 rie, your wits gon a woolgathering that you had forgot your ſelfe (as I think) Nero-like in ripping up the bowels of thine owne Mother: for I have learnt ſo much Logicke to know quicquid dicitur de ſpecie, dicitur de unoquoque, individuo eiuſdem ſpeciei: whatſoever is ſpoken or prædicated of the kinde is ſpoken of every one in the ſame kinde: firſt therefore to bring you to an impious ατοπον or inconvenience. Is it not a comely thing to heare a Sonne ſpeake thus of his mother: My mother in her furie was worſe than a Lion being bitten with hunger, than a beare being robbed of her yong ones, the viper being trod on. No ſpur would make my mother go, nor no bridle would hold her backe: tell her of her fault, ſhe will not beleeve ſhe is in any fault: give her good counſell, but ſhe will not take it: if my Father did but look after another woman, then ſhe would be jealous: the more he loved her, the more ſhee would diſdaine him: if he threatened her, ſhee would bee angry: when he flattered her, then ſhe would be proud: if he forbore her, it made her bould: if hee chaſtened her, ſhe would turne to a ſerpent: at a word, my mother would never forget an injury, nor give thankes for a good turne: what an aſſe then was my Father to exchange gould for droſſe, pleaſure for paine: tis a wonderfull thing to ſee the madde feates of my mother, for ſhe would picke thy pocket, empty thy purſe, laugh in thy face & cut thy throat, ſhe is ungratefull perjurd, full of fraud, flouting, and deceit, unconſtant waſhpiſh, toyiſh, light, ſullen, proud, diſcourteous and cruell: the breaſt of my mother was the harbourer of an envious heart, her heart the ſtorehouſe of poyſoned D 2 hatred, 18 D2v 18 hatred, her head deviſed villany, and her hands were ready to put in practiſe what her heart deſired, then Pag. 15. who can but ſay but my mother a woman ſprung from the Devill? you from your mother, and ſo Swetnam is the Devils Grand-child. Doe you not bluſh to ſee what a halter you have purchaſed for your owne necke? You thought in your ruffe of furie like Auguſtus Cæſar, to make an edict that all the world ſhould be taxed, when your ſelfe is tributary to the greateſt infirmities: you blowed the fier of ſedition with the bellowes of your anger, and the coales are burning in your owne boſome, OdOdes:l.2 : Periculoſæ plenum opus aleæ, tractas & incedis per ignes ſuppoſitos cineri doloſo. Is there no reverence to be given to your mother becauſe you are weaned from her teat, and never more ſhall be fedde with her pappe? You are like the rogue in the Fable which was going to the gallowes for burglarie, that bit off his mothers noſe, becauſe ſhe chaſtiſed him not in his infancy for his pettie-Larcenies: is this the requitall of all her coſt, charge, care, and unſpeakeable paines ſhe ſuffered in the producing of ſuch a monſter into the light? If ſhe had cram’d gravell downe thy throat when ſhee gave thee ſucke, or expoſed thee to the mercy of the wilde beaſts in the wilderneſſe when ſhe fed thee with the pap, thou couldſt not have ſhowen Ingratum ſi dixero omnia dixero. thy ſelfe more ungratefull then thou haſt in belching out thy nefarious contempt of thy mothers ſexe. Wherefore mee thinkes it is a pleaſing revenge that thy ſoule arraines thee at the barre of conſcience, and thy diſtracted mind cannot chuſe but 19 D3r 19 but hant thee like a bumbaylie to ſerve a ſubpœna on thee, the ſtile and penning of your pamphlet hath brought you within the compaſſe of a Præmunire, and every ſentence beeing ſtolne out of other bookes, accuſeth you of robbery. So that thou carrieſt in thy ſelfe a walking Newgate up & downe with thee, thy owne perplexed ſuſpicions like Promotheus vulture is alwaies gnawing on thy liver. Beſides, theſe books which are of late come out (the latter whereof hath prevented me in the deſignes I purpoſed in running over your wicked handi-worke) are like ſo many red-hot irons to ſtigmatize thy name with the brand of a hideous blaſphemer and incarnate Devill. Although thou art not apprehended and attached for thy villany I might ſay fellonie, before a corporall judge, yet thine owne conſcience if it be not feared up, tortures thee, and wracks thy tempeſtuous minde with a diſſolution and whurring too and fro of thy ſcandalous name, which without blemiſh my penne can ſcarce deigne to write, you finde it true which the Poet ſpeakes;Exemplo quodcunque malo committitur, ipſi Diſplicet authori, prima eſt hæc ultio quod ſe Judice nemo nocens abſolvitur, improba quamvis Juven:Sat:13. Gratia fallacis prætoris vicerit urnam.
What ſin is wrought by ill example, ſoone
The diſpleaſed Author wiſheth it undone.
And tis revenge when if the nocent wight,
Umpires his cauſe himſelfe: in his owne ſight,
He findes no abſolution, though the eyes
Of judgement wink, his ſoule ſtill guilty cries.
Tis often obſerved, that the affections of auditors (and readers too) are more offended with the foule mouthed reproofe of the brawling accuſer, than with the fault of the delinquent. If you had kept your ſelfe within your pretended limits, and not medled with the blameleſſe and innocent, yet your prejudicate rayling would rather argue an unreverent and laſcivious inclination of a depraved nature, then any love or zeale to vertue and honeſty: you ought to have conſidered that in the vituperation of the miſdemeanors and diſorders in others lives; this cautelous Proviſo ſhould direct you that in ſeeking to reforme others, you deforme not your ſelfe; eſpecially by moving a ſuſpition that your minde is troubled and feſtered with the impoſtume of inbred malice, and corrupt hatred: for tis alwaies the badge and cogniſance of a degenerous and illiberall diſpoſition to bee ambitious of that baſe and ignoble applauſe, proceeding from the giddy-headed Plebeians, that is acquired by the miſerable oppreſſing and pilling of vertue. But every wrongfull contumely & reproach hath ſuch a ſharpe ſting in it, that if it faſten once on the minde of a good and ingenuous nature, tis never drawen forth without anxiety & perpetuall recordation of dolour, which if you had known, your hornet-braines would not have buzd abroad with a reſolution to ſting ſome tho you loſt your ſting and died for it: you would not like the cuttle fiſh ſpewd out your inkie gall with hope to turne the pureſt waters to your owne ſable hew; ut non odio inimicitiarum ad vituperandūumſed21D4r21 ſed ſtudio calumniandi ad inimicitias deſcēenderes, that you would arme your ſelfe, not with the hate of enmity to diſpraiſe vice, but with the ſtudy of calumny to make enmity with vertue: yet tis remarkable that ignorance & impudence were partners in your worke, for as you have of all things under the ſunne, ſelected the bayting, or as you make a ſilly ſolæciſme the bearebayting of Women, to be the tenterhookes whereon to ſtretch your ſhallow inventions on the triviall ſubject of every ſhackragge that can but ſet penne to paper: ſo in the handling of your baſe diſcourſe, you lay open your imperfections, arripiendo maledicta ex trivio, by heaping together the ſcraps, fragments, and reverſions of divers engliſh phraſes, by ſcraping together the glaunders and offals of abuſive termes, and the refuſe of idle headed Authors, and making a mingle-mangle gallimauphrie of them. Lord! how you have cudgeld your braines in gleaning multitudes of ſimilies as twere in the field of many writers, and thraſht them together in the floure of your owne devizor; and all to make a poore confuſed miſceline, whereas thine owne barren ſoyled ſoyle is not able to yeeld the leaſt cōongruity of ſpeech. Tis worthy laughter what paines you have taken in turning over Pariſmus, what uſe you make of the Knight of the Sunne, what collections out of Euphues, Amadis a Gaule, and the reſt of Don Quixotes Library, ſometimes exact tracing of Æſopicall Fables, and Valerius Maximus, with the like ſchooleboyes bookes, ſo that if theſe Pamphleters would ſeverally plucke a 22 D4v 22 a crow with you. Furtivis nudata coloribus moveat cornicula riſum, let every bird take his owne feather, and you would be as naked as Æsops jay. Indeed you have ſhewen as much foolery as robberie in feathering your neaſt, which is a cage of uncleane birds, and a ſtorehouſe for the off-ſcowrings of other writers. Your indiſcretion is as great in the laying together, & compiling of your ſtolne ware, as your blockiſhneſſe in ſtealing, for your ſentences hang together like ſand without lime: you bring a great heape of ſtony rubbiſh compariſons one upon the necke of another, but they concurre no more to ſenſe, then a company of ſtones to a building without morter, and tis a familiar Italian Proverb, duro è duro non fa muro, hard and hard makes no wall, ſo your hard dull pate hath collected nothing that can ſtand together with common ſenſe, or be pleaſing to any refined diſpoſition, rough and unhewen morſells digd out of others quarries, potſherds pickt out of ſundry dunghills: your mouth indeed is full of ſtones, lapides loqueris, but not ſo wiſely nor ſo warily cramd in as the geeſe that flie over the mountaines in Silicia, which carry ſtones in their beakes leſt their cackling ſhould make them a pray to the Eagles, where you might learne witte of a gooſe. ἢ λὲγε σίγης κρει̂ττον ἢ σιγην ἔχε. Either ſpeake peace, or hold your peace. Is it not irkſome to a wiſe and diſcreet judgement, to heare a booke ſtuft with ſuch like ſenſe as this, The world is not made of oatmeale? I have heard of ſome that have thought the world to have beene compoſed 23 E1r 23 compoſed of atomes, never any that thought it made of oatmeale: Nor all is not gold that gliſters, nor the way to heaven is ſtrewd with ruſhes, for a dramme of pleaſure an ounce of paine, for a pint of hony a gallon of gall, for an inch of mirth an ell of moane,&c. None above the ſcumme of the world could endure with patience to reade ſuch a medly compoſed of diſcords. Sometimes your dogrill rhymes make mee ſmile, as when you come,Man muſt be at all the coſt, And yet live by the loſſe: A man muſt take all the paines, And women ſpend all the gaines: Their catching in jest, And keeping in earneſt. And yet ſhe thinkes ſhe keepes her ſelfe blameleſſe, And in all ill vices ſhe would goe nameleſſe. But if ſhe carry it never ſo cleane, Yet in the end ſhe will be counted for a cunny- catching queane. And yet ſhe will ſweare that ſhe will thrive, As long as ſhe can finde one man alive.
I ſtand not to deſcant on your plaine ſong; but ſurely if you can make ballads no better, you muſt be faine to give over that profeſſion: for your Muſe is wonderfully defective in the bandileeres, and you may ſafely ſweare with the Poet,Nec fonte labra prolui caballino, Nec in bicipiti ſomniaſſe Parnaſſo Memini.――
Sometimes you make me burſt out with laughter, when I ſee your contradictions of your ſelfe; E I 24 E1v 24 I will not ſpeake of thoſe which others have eſpied, although I had a fling at them, leſt I ſhould actum agere. Mee thinkes, when you wrote your ſecond Epiſtle, neither to the wiſeſt Clerke, nor yet to the ſtarkeſt foole, the giddineſſe of your head bewrayes you to be both a ſillie Clerke, and a ſtarke foole: or elſe the young men you write to muſt be much troubled with the megrim and the dizzineſſe of the braine: for you beginne as if you were wont to runne up and downe the Countrey with Beares at your taile. If you meane to ſee the Beare-baiting of women, then trudge to this Beare-garden apace, and get in betimes, and view every roome where thou maiſt beſt ſit, &c.
Now you ſuppoſe to your ſelfe the giddy-headed young men are flockt together, and placed to their owne pleaſure, profit, and hearts eaſe. Let but your ſecond cogitations obſerve the method you take in your ſuppoſed ſport: In ſtead of bringing your Beares to the ſtake, you ſay, I thinke it were not amiſſe to drive all women out of my hearing, for doubt leſt this little ſparke kindle into ſuch a flame, and raiſe ſo many ſtinging hornets humming about mine eares, that all the wit I have (which is but little) will not quench the one, nor quiet the other. Doe yee not ſee your apparant contradiction? Spectatum admiſsi riſum teneatis amici? You promiſe your ſpectators the Beare- baiting of women, and yet you thinke it not amiſſe to drive all women out of your hearing; ſo that none but your ſelfe the ill-favoured Hunckes is left in the Beare-garden to make your inuited 25 E2r 25 invited gueſts merry: whereupon it may very likely be, the eager young men being not willing to be guld and cheated of their money they paid for their roome, ſet their dogges at you, amongſt whom Cerberus that hell-hound appeared, and you bit off one of his heads; for preſently after you call him the two-headed dogge, whom all the Poets would faine to have three heads: You therefore having ſnapt off that ſame head, were by the ſecret operation of that infernal ſubſtance, converted into the ſame eſſence: and that may ſerve as one reaſon that I tearme you Cerberus the Jaylor of hell; for certainly Quicquid dicitur de toto, dicitur de ſingulis partibus: That which is ſpoke of the whole, is ſpoken of every part; and every limbe of the devill is an homogeneall part. Doe yee not ſee (goodman woodcocke) what a ſpringe you make for your owne ſelfe? Whereas you ſay tis a great diſcredit for a man to bee accounted a ſcold, and that you deale after the manner of a ſhrew, which cannot eaſe her curſt heart but by her unhappy tongue; obſerve but what concluſion demonſtratively followes theſe premiſes: A man that is accounted a ſcold, hath great diſcredit: Joſeph Swetnam is accounted a ſcold: Ergo, Joſeph hath great diſcredit.
If you denie the Minor, tis proved out of your owne aſſertion, becauſe you deale after the manner of a ſhrew, &c. where wee may note firſt a corrupt fountaine, whence the polluted puddles E 2 of 26 E2v 26 of your accuſtomed actions are derived, A curſt heart; then the curſedneſſe of your booke (which if you might be your owne Judge, deſerves no more the name of a booke, then a Colliers Jade to be a Kings Steed) to bee the fruit of an unhappie tongue: thirdly, your commoditie you reape by it diſcredit. Nay if you were but a maſculine ſcold, twere tolerable; but to be a prophane railing Rabſhekeh, tis odious. Neither is this all your contrarietie you have included: for preſently after you profeſſe you wrote this booke with your hand, but not with your heart; whereas but juſt now you confeſt your ſelfe to deale after the manner of a ſhrew, which cannot otherwiſe eaſe your curſt heart, but by your unhappy tongue: ſo your hand hath proved your unhappy tongue a lier. This unsavorie non-ſenſe argueth you to be at that time poſſeſt with the fault you ſay commonly is in men, to wit, drunkenneſſe, when you wrote theſe jarring and incongruous ſpeeches, whoſe abſurdities accrew to ſuch a tedious and infinite ſumme, that if any would exactly trace them out, they ſhould finde them like a Mathematicall line, Diviſibilis in ſemper diviſibilia. Twould put downe the moſt abſolute Arithmetician to make a catalogue of them: wherefore I could wiſh thee to make a petition, that you might have your bookes called in and burnt; for were it not better that the fire ſhould befriend thee in purifying the traſh, and eating out the canker of thy defamation, then thy execrable deſignes and inexcuſable impudence ſhould blazon abroad thy drunken temeritieritie 27 E3r 27 ritie and temulent foole-hardineſſe to future ages, then thy booke ſhould peremptorily witneſſe thy open and Atheiſticall blaſphemy againſt thy Creator even in the very threſhold and entrance? but Page 31. above all, where thou doeſt put a lie on God himſelfe, with this ſuppoſition, If God had not made them only to be a plague to man, he would never have called them neceſſary evils: Which I thus anticipate; But God never called them neceſſary evils, Therefore God made them not to be a plague to man. Or elſe turning the concluſion to the meane thus: But God did not make them to be a plague, but a helper and procurer of all felicitie; therefore God never called them neceſſary evils. Were it not (I ſay) farre better for you that your laborious idle worke ſhould be aboliſhed in the flames, then it ſhould publikely ſet forth the apert violation of holy writ in ſundry places? one in the beginning (as I remember) where you falſly averre, that the bleſſed Patriarke David exclaimed bitterly againſt women, and like the tempting devill you alledge halfe Scripture, whereas the whole makes againſt your ſelfe: for thus you affirm he ſaith; It is better to be a doore-keeper, than to be in the houſe with a froward woman. In the whole volume of the booke of God, much leſſe in the Pſalmes, is there any ſuch bitter exclamation? But this is the dittie of the ſweet ſinger of Iſrael, whereby he did intimate his love unto the houſe of God, and his deteſtation of the pavilions of the unrighteous by this Antitheſis: It is better to be a doore-keeper in the houſe of the Lord, than to dwell in the TabernaclesE3 cles 28 E3v 28 cles of the ungodly. Now if you have a private ſpirit that may interpret by enthuſiaſmes, you may confine the Tabernacles of the ungodly onely to froward women; which how abſurd and groſſe it is, let the reader judge. Doeſt thou not bluſh (graceleſſe) to pervert (with Elemas) the ſtrait wayes of God, by prophaning the Scriptures, and wreathing their proper and genuine interpretations to by-ſenſes, for the boulſtering and upholding of your damnable opinion? beſides thy pittifully wronging of the Philoſophers, as Socrates, Plato, and Ariſtotle, &c. whom your illiterate and clowniſh Muſe never was ſo happy to know whether they wrote any thing or no. Your ethnicke hiſtories, although they rather make againſt men than women, yet in your relation you moſt palpably miſtake, and tell one thing for another, as of Holophernes, Antiochus, Hannibal, Socrates, and the reſt which the poore deluded Corydons and ſillie ſwaines account for oracles, and maintaine as axiomes. The quirkes and crotchets of your owne pragmaticall pate, you father on thoſe ancient Philoſophers that moſt extremely oppoſe your conceit of mariage: for Plato made this one of his lawes, that whoſoever was not maried at thirty five yeeres of age, ſhould be puniſhed with a fine. Further he implies a neceſſitie of mariage, even in regard of the adoration of God himſelfe: …γεννωντας και εκτρέφοντας παιδας καθαπερ λαμπαδα τὸν βιον παραδιδοντας ἀλλοις ἐξ ἀλλων θεραποντες ἀει θεὸν κατα νόμον: Tis neceſſary that there ſhould be a lawfull generation and education of children, that life as a lampe may continuecontinue 29 E4r 29 continue to poſteritie, that ſo there might alwaies be ſome to worſhip God. What more divinely or religiouſly could be ſpoken by a Paynim? How then durſt you ſay that the Philoſophers that lived in the old time had ſo hard an opinion of mariage, that they tooke no delight therein, ſeeing the chiefe of them were maried themſelves? I could be infinite to produce examples and ſymboles Theognis. to make you a lier in print: οὔδεν κυρη αγάθης γλυκυρωτερον ἐστὶ γυναικος . Nothing is more ſweet than a good Protagoras. wife. σημνη̂ς γυναικὸς ὁταν τύχης τὸν βίον ἀλυπον διατελει̂ς . He that hath a good wife, hath a merry life. Moſt famous is that retortion of Pittachus, one of the ſeven wiſe men of Greece, when he demanded a fellow wherfore he would not take to him a wife, and the fellow anſwered, ἐὰν καλην γαμω, ἑξω κοινην, ἐαν δ’ αισχραν, ἑξω ποινην . If I take a faire wife, I ſhall have her common; if a foule, a torment. The wiſe man replied, ἐαν καλην γαμης, οὐκ ἑξεις ποινην. ἐαν δ’ αισχραν, οὐκ ἑξεις κοινην. . If thou getſt a foule wife, thou ſhalt not have her common; if a faire, no torments. There is as much reaſon for the one as the other: but tis but waſting paper to reckon up theſe obvious ſayings. Let that ſame acclamation of Horace ſtand for a thouſand others:Fælices ter & ampliùs, Quos irrupta tenet copula, nec malis Divulſus querimonijs, Suprema citiùs ſoluet amor die.
Thriſe and more times are they bleſt,
That in wedlockes bands doe reſt,Whoſe 30 E4v 30
Whoſe faithfull loves are knit ſo ſure,
That blameleſſe endleſſe they endure.
But you that will traduce the holie Scriptures, what hope is there but you will deprave humane authors. You taxe Plato and Ariſtotle of a laſcivious life that by the light of naturall reaſon were chiefeſt eſtabliſhers of Matrimony, both in regard 1. l. de leg: Ar:1.Oecon. cap.7. of œconomicke, and politicke affaires. doe theſe things deserve commendations of any, but rather the ſcorne and reproofe of all: what a ſilly thing it is, let Monſieur Swetnam judge, when Valerius Page 49. Maximus relates in his 4. booke, a hiſtory of one Tiberius Gracchus, that found two ſerpents in his bed-chamber and killed the male, which by the prediction of Southſayers deſigned himſelfe to death, becauſe he dearely loved his wife Cornelia, and you like an Aſſe tel this tale of Valerius Maximus, as if becauſe Joseph tells a tale of one Bias that bought the beſt and worſt meate which was tongues, in the market: hee that reades it ſhould ſay that one lying Aſſe Swetnam bought the beſt and worſt tongues; but certainely if that Bias had met with your tongue in the Market, hee would have taken it for the worſt and moſt unprofitable meat, becauſe from nothing can come worſe venome then from it: What ſhould I ſpeake of the figments of your dull pate, how abſurdly you tell of one Theodora a Strumpet in Socrates time, that could intiſe away all the Philoſophers Schollers from him: is not the vaine and inconſtant nature of men more culpable by this enſample than of women, when they ſhould be ſo luxuriouſly bent that 31 F1r 31 that one ſilly light woman ſhould draw a multitude of learned Schollers from the right way: yet neyther Laertius, nor any that writte the lives of Philoſophers make mention of this Theodora, but I have read of a glorious Martyr of this name, a Virgin of Antiochia, in the time of Diocleſian the Emperor, who being in priſon, a certaine barbarous Souldier moved with luſt in himſelfe, and the luſtre of her beauty, would have raviſhed her by violence, whom ſhe not onely deterred from this curſed act by her perſwaſive oratory, but by her powerfull intreaties by changing veſtments wrought her delivery by him. I would runne through all your ſilly diſcourſe, and anatomize your baſery, but as ſome have partly beene boulted out already, and are promiſed to be proſecuted, ſo I leave them as not worthy rehearſall or refutation. I would give a ſuperſedeas to my quill: but there is a moſt pregnant place in your booke which is worthy laughter that comes to my mind where you moſt graphically deſcribe the difference and antipathie of man and woman, which being conſidered, you thinke it ſtrange there ſhould be any reciprocation of love, for a man ſay you delights in armes, and hearing the ratling drum, but a woman loves to heare ſweet muſicke on the Lute, Cittern, or Bandora: I prethee who but the long-eard animall had rather heare the Cuckoe than the Nightingale? Whoſe eares are not more delighted with the melodious tunes of ſweete muſicke, then with the harſh ſounding drum? Did not Achilles delight himſelfe with his F harpe 32 F1v 32 harpe as well as with the trumpet? Nay, is there not more men that rather affect the laudable uſe of the Citterne, and Bandore, and Lute for the recreation of their mindes, than the clamourous noyſe of drums? Whether is it more agreeable to humane nature to march amongſt murthered carkaſſes, which you ſay man rejoyceth in, than to enjoy the fruition of peace and plenty, even to dance on ſilken Carpets, as you ſay, is our pleaſure? What man ſoever maketh warres, is it not to this ende, that hee might enjoy peace? Who marcheth among murdered carkaſſes, but to this end, that his enemies being ſubdued and ſlaine, he may ſecurely enjoy peace? Man loves to heare the threatning of his Princes enemies, but woman weepes when ſhee heares of warres, What man that is a true and loyall ſubject loves to heare his Princes enemies threaten: is not this a ſweet commendation thinke you? is it not more humane to bewaile the wars and loſſe of our countrimen, then to rejoyce in the threats of an adverſary? but you goe forward in your paralelling a mans love to lie on the cold graſſe, but a woman muſt bee wrapped in warme mantles. I never heard of any that had rather lie in the could graſſe then in a feather-bed, if he might have his choyce; yet you make it a proper attribute to all your ſexe. Thus you ſee your cheefeſt elegancie to bee but miſerable patches and botches: this Antitheſis you have found in ſome Author betwixt a warrier and a lover, and you ſtretch it to ſhew the difference betwixt a man and a woman; ſed nos hac a ſcabie 33 F2r 33 a ſcabie teneamus ungues: I love not to ſcratch a mangie raſcall, there is neither credit nor pleaſure in it. You threaten your ſecond volly of pouder and ſhot, wherein you will make us ſnakes, venemous Second Epiſtle. adders, and ſcorpions, & I know not what; are theſe termes beſeeming the mouth of a Chriſtian or a man, which is ovo prognatus eodem, did not your mother hatch the ſame Cockatrice egge to make you in the number of the generation of Vipers? and I take you to be of that brood which Homer calls τανογλοσσοι, alwaies lolling out the tongue, and all the Hiſtoriographers terme Scopes that give a moſt unpleaſing and harſh note, quaſi περισκωπτουσα, cavilling and taunting, and as Cœlius wittily notes them to be ſo called, quaſi Sciopas, ἐν σκία ἔχοντες τὴν ὄπα having their face obſcur’d in darkneſſe, ſo this your booke being but the howling of a night-bird ſhall circumſcribe thy name in the dungeon of perpetuall infamy. Thou that art extold amongſt clownes and fooles, ſhalt be a hiſſing, and a by-word to the learned and judicious: in ſo much as thine unlucky ſhrieking ſhall affect thee with gaſtly terrors and amazements: never thinke to ſet forth more larums of your brutiſhneſſe, but as Labienus, who was ſirnamed Rabies madneſſe, becauſe hee uſed ſuch liberty of his detracting tongue, that he would without regard or diſcretion, rayle upon all men in his exaſperate mood; When all his bookes and writings were made a bonfire of (which in thoſe dayes was a new-found way of puniſhing untoward wits) Eam contumeliam (ſaith mine Author) LabienusF2 bienus 34 F2v 34 bienus non tulit neque ſuperſtes ingenio ſuo eſſe voluit. Labienus tooke ſnuffe at this contumelious deſtruction of his deſpiſed labours, he was unwilling to be the ſurviving executor of his owne wit, whereupon in a melancholy and deſperate mood he cauſed himſelfe to be coffin’d up, and carried into the vault where his anceſtors were entombed (thinking (it may be) that the fier which had burned his fame ſhould be denied him) hee died and buried himſelfe together. I doe not wiſh you the ſame death, though you have the ſame conditions and ſurname as hee had, but live ſtill to barke at Vertue, yet theſe our writings ſhall be worſe then fiers to torture both thy booke and thee: Wherefore tranſcribing ſome verſes that a Gentleman wrote to ſuch an one as your ſelfe in this manner I conclude.Thy death I wiſh not, but would have thee live, To rayle at vertues acts, and ſo to give Good vertues luſtre. Seeing envy ſtill Waites on the beſt deſerts to her owne ill. But for your ſelfe learne this, let not your hand Strike at the flint againe which can withſtand Your malice without harme, and to your face Returne contempt, the brand of your diſgrace; Whilſt women ſit unmov’d, whoſe conſtant mindes (Arm’d againſt obloquy) with thoſe weate windes Cannot be ſhaken: for who doth not marke That Dogs for cuſtome, not for fierceneſſe barke. Theſe any foot-boy kicks, and therefore we Paſsing them by, with ſcorne doe pitty thee. For 35 F3r 35 For being of their nature mute at noone, Thou darſt at midnight barke againſt the moone; Where mayeſt thou ever barke that none ſhall hear, But to returne the like: and maiſt thou beare With greefe more ſlanders then thou canſt invent, Or ere did practiſe yet, or canſt prevent, Maiſt thou be matcht with envy, and defend Scorne toward that which all beſides commend. And may that ſcorne ſo worke upon thy ſenſe, That neyther ſuffering nor impudence May teach thee cure: or being overworne With hope of cure may merit greater ſcorne. If not too late, let all thy labours be Contemn’d by upright judgements, and thy fee So hardly earn’d, not pay’d: may thy rude quill Be alwaies mercenary, and write ſtill, That which no man will read, unleſſe to ſee Thine ignorance, and then to laugh at thee; And mayſt thou live to feele this, and then groane, Becauſe tis ſo, yet cannot helpe, and none May reſcue thee, till your check’t conſcience cry, This this I have deſerv’d, then pine and die. Et cum fateri furia iuſſerit verum, Prodente clames conſcientia; ſcripſi.