A1r A1v A2r


of a mad Dogge:

a Soppe for
Cerberus the

Jaylor of Hell.

No Confutation but a
sharpe Redargution of the
bayter of Women.

By Constantia Munda
―― dux fæmina facti.

Virg: ÆnAeneid: I. Si genus humanum & mortalia temnitis arma, At sperate Deos memores fandi atque nefandi.

Printed for Laurence Hayes, and are to be
sold at his shop neere Fleet-bridge, over
against St. Brides Lane. 16171617.

A2v A3r

To the right worshipful lady her most deare Mother, the Lady Prudentia Munda, the true patterne of Pietie and Vertue, C.M.Constantia Munda wisheth increase of happinesse.

As first your paines in bearing me was such

A benefit beyond requitall, that t’were much

To thinke what pangs of sorrow you sustain’d

In child-birth, when mine infancy obtain’d

The vitall drawing in of ayre, so your love

Mingled with care hath shewen it selfe, above

The ordinary course of Nature: seeing you still

Are in perpetuall Labour with me, even untill

The second birth of education perfect me,

You Travaill still though Churched oft you be.

In recompence whereof what can I give,

But what I take, even that I live,

Next to the heavens ’tis yours. Thus I pay

My A3v

My debt by taking up at interest, and lay

To pawne that which I borrow of you: so

The more I give I take, I pay, I owe.

Yet lest you thinke I forfait shall my bond

I here present you with my writing hand.

Some trifling minutes I vainely did bestow

In penning of these lines that all might know

The scandals of our adversarie, and

I had gone forward had not Hester hang’d

Haman before: yet what here I wrote

Might serve to stop the curs wide throat,

Untill the haltar came, since which I ceast

To prosecute what I intended, lest

I should be censur’d that I undertooke

A worke that’s done already: so his booke

Hath scapt my fingers, but in like case

As a malefactor changeth place

From Newgate unto Tiburne, whose good hope

Is but to change his shackels for a rope.

Although this be a toy scarce worth your view,

Yet deigne to reade it, and accept in lieu

Of greater dutie, for your gracious looke

Is a sufficient Patrone to my booke.

This is the worst disgrace that can be had.

A Ladies daughter worm’d a dog that’s mad.

Your loving Daughter

Constantia Munda.


To Joseph Swetnam.

What? is thy shameles muse so fleg’d in sin

So cocker’d up in mischiefe? or hast bin

Train’d up by Furies in the schoole of vice,

Where the licentious Devils hoyst the price

Of uncought mischiefe, & make a set reward,

For hell-hound slanderers that nought regard

Their reputation, or the wholesome Lawes

Of Vertues Common-wealth, but seek applause

By rayling and reviling to deprave

The mirrour of Creation, to out-brave

Even heaven it selfe with folly: could the straine

Of that your barren-idle-donghill braine,

As from a Chymick Limbeck so distill

Your poyson’d drops of hemlocke, and so fill

The itching eares of silly swaines, and rude

Truth-not-discerning rusticke multitude

With sottish lies, with bald and ribald lines,

Patcht out of English writers that combines

Their highest reach of emulation but to please

The A4v

The giddy-headed vulgar: whose disease

Like to a swelling dropsie, thirsts to drinke

And swill the puddles of this nasty sinke:

Whence through the channels of your muddy wit,

Your hotch-potcht work is drawn and the slimy pit

Of your invective pamphlet fild to th’brim

With all defiled streames, yet many swimme

And bath themselves (oh madnes) in that floud

Of mischiefe, with delight, and deem that good

Which spoyls their reasōon, being not understood.

When people view not wel your divellish book,

Like nibling fish they swallow bait and hooke

To their destruction, when they not descry

Your base and most unreverent blasphemy.

How in the ruffe of fury you disgrace

(As much as in you lies) and doe deface

Natures best ornament; and thinkst th’ast done

An act deserving commendation;

Whereas thy merits being brought in sight,

Exclaime thus on thee, Gallows claime thy right.

Woman the crowne, perfection, & the meanes

Of all mens being, and their well-being, whence

Is the propagation of all humane kinde,

Wherein the bodies frame, th’intellect and mind

With all their operations doe first finde

Their Essence and beginning, where doth lie

The B1r

The mortall meanes of our eternity,

Whose vertues, worthinesse, resplendent rayes

Of perfect beauty have alwaies had the praise

And admiration of such glorious wits,

Which Fame the worlds great Herauld sits,

Crowning with Lawrel wreaths & Mirtle bows,

The tribute and reward of learned browes,

And that this goodly peece of nature be

Thus shamefully detested, and thus wrong’d by thee.

How could your vild untutour’d muse infold

And wrap it selfe in envious, cruell, bold,

Nay impudent detraction, and then throw

And hurle without regard your venom’d darts

Of scandalous reviling, at the hearts

Of all our female sexe promiscuously,

Of commons, gentry, and nobility?

Without exceptions hath your spungie pate

(Voyd in it selfe of all things but of hate)

Suckt up the dregs of folly, and the lees

Of mercenary Pasquils, which doe squeese

The glaunders of abuses in the face

Of them that are the cause that humane race

Keepes his continuance: could you be so mad

As to deprave, nay to call that bad

Which God calls good? can your filthy clawes

Scratch out the image that th’ Almighty drawes

B In B1v

In us his pictures? no! things simply good,

Keep stil their essence, though they be withstood

By all the complices of hell: you cannot daunt

Not yet diminish, (how ere you basely vaunt,

With bitter termes) the glory of our Sex,

Nor, as you michingly surmize, you vexe

Us with your dogged rayling, why! we know;

Vertue oppos’d is stronger, and the foe

That’s queld and foyld, addeth but more

Triumph to th’ conquest then there was before.

Wherefore be advised, cease to raile

On them that with advantage can you quaile.

B2r 1

The Worming of a madde Dogge.

The itching desire of oppressing the presse with many sottish and illiterate Libels, stuft with all manner of ribaldry, and sordid inventions, when every foule-mouthed male-content may disgorge Tincta licambæo sanguine tela dabit, Ovid in Ibin. his Licambæan poyson in the face of all the world, hath broken out into such a dismall contagion in these our dayes, that every scandalous tongue and opprobrious witte, like the Italian Mountebanks will advance their pedling wares of detracting virulence in the publique Piatza of every Stationers shoppe. And Printing that was invented to be the store-house of famous wits, the treasure of Divine literature, the pandect and maintainer of all Sciences, is become the receptacle of every dissolute Pamphlet. The nursery and hospitall of every spurious and penurious brat, which proceeds from base phreneticallB2 ticall B2v 2 ticall braine-sicke bablers. When scribimus indocti must be the motto of every one that fooles himselfe in Print: tis ridiculous! but when scribimus insani should bee the signiture of every page, tis lamentable our times so stupidly possest and benumd with folly, that wee shall verifie the Proverbe, L’usanza commune non è peccato, sinnes custome-house hath non sine privilegio, writ upon his dores, as though community in offence could make an immunitie: No! use of sinne is the soules extortion, a biting fænorie that eates out the principle. Yet wofull experience makes it too true, consuetudo peccandi tollit sensum peccati, as may bee seene by the workes of divers men that make their pens their pensils to limme out vice that it may seeme delicious and amiable; so to detract from vertue and honesty, as though their essence were onely in outward appearance of goodnesse, as if mortality were onely circumscribed within the conditions of our sex, cælum ipsum petimus stultitia, foolish man will reprehend his Creator in the admirable worke of his generation and conservation: Woman the second edition of the Epitome of the whole world, the second Tome of that goodly volume compiled by the great God of heaven and earth is most shamefully blurd, and derogatively rased by scribling penns of savage & uncought monsters. To what an irregular straine is the daring impudence of blind-fold bayards aspired unto? that they will presume to call in question even the most absolute worke composed by the worlds great Architect?tect? B3r 3 tect? A strange blasphemy to finde fault with that which the Privy Councell of the high and Gen.I.Gen.1 mighty Parliament of the inscrutable Tri-unitie in Heaven determined to be very good. To call that imperfect, froward, crooked and perverse to make an arraignment and Beare-baiting of that which the Pantocrator would in his omniscient wisedome have to be the consummation of his blessed weekes worke, the end, crowne, and perfection of the never-sufficiently glorified creation. What is it but an exorbitant phrensie, and wofull taxation of the supreme deitie. Yet woman μικρόκοσμος. the greatest part of the lesser world is generally become the subject of every pedanticall goose-quill. Every fantasticke Poetaster which thinkes he hath lickt the vomit of his Coriphæus and can but patch a hobling verse together, will strive to represent unseemely figments imputed to our sex, (as a pleasing theme to the vulgar) on the publique Theatre: teaching the worser sort that are more prone to luxurie, a compendious way to learne to be sinfull. These foule mouth’d raylers, qui non vident ut corrigant, sed quærunt quid reprehendant, that reproove not that they might reforme, but pry into actions that they might carpe and cavill: so that in this infamous profession they farre exceed the vildest kinde of Pharisaicall ostentation, and so surmounting beyond Aut ut Anaxarchus pila minuaris in alta. Ovid in Ibin. Benvenuto. Ital. all comparison railing Anaxarchus, who for his detracting and biting tongue was pestled to death in a brazen morter. Who as a learned Tuscan speaketh, gli miseri vanno a tentone altrevolte B3 a car- B3v 4 a carpone per facer mercatantia dell’altrui da lor inventata è seminata vergogna, impudicamente cercano l’altrui deshonor erger la meretricia fronte & malzar la impudiche corna: these wretched miscreants goe groaping, and sometimes on all foure, to traffique with other folkes credits by their owne divulged and dispersed ignominie. That impudently seeke by others dishonour to set a shamelesse face on the matter, and thus to put out their immodest hornes to butt at, and gore the name and reputation of the innocent, being so besotted with a base and miserable condition, and blinde in themselves, they blush not in their tongues to carry the gall of Rabilius, and in their chaps the poyson of Colimachus in their mouthes, the flame of mount Ætna in their eyes, Jupiters lightning which he darted at the Centaures, in their thoghts Bellonaes arrowes, in their serpentine words the bitternesse of Sulmo against Orbecca, blending and Plus aloes quam mellis habent. commixing all their discourse with epaticke aloes and unsavourie simples, deriving all their ingredients of their venomed Recipes from the Apothecaries shop of the Devill. Notwithstanding, as the same learned man metaphorically speakes, Cotesti usei scangerati, cittá senza muro, navi senza governo, vasi senza coperto cavalli indomiti senza freno non considerano. These wide open-dores, these unwalled townes, these rudderlesse shippes, these uncoverd vessels, these unbrideled horses doe not consider that the tongue being a very little member should never goe out of that same ivory gate, in which, (not without a great mystery)sterie) B4r 5 stery) divine wisedome and nature together hath enclosed, it signifying that a man should give him selfe eyther to vertuous speech, or prudent silence, and not let tongue and pen runne up and downe like a weaponed madde-man, to strike and wound any without partiality, every one without exception, to make such an universall massacre ( Un coup de langue est plus dan gereux qu’un coup de lance. GalGallic: provproverb: for so I may terme it, seeing words make worse wounds then swords) yet lest villanie domineere and triumph in furie, wee will manicle your dissolute fist, that you deale not your blowes so unadvisedly. Though feminine modesty hath confin’d our rarest and ripest wits to silence, wee acknowledge SophoclSophocles: AjAjax: γυναιξὶ κοσμὸνἣ σίγη φέρει it our greatest ornament, but when necessity compels us, tis as great a fault and folly loquenda tacere, ut contra gravis est culpa tacenda loqui, being too much provoked by arrainments, baytings, and rancarous impeachments of the reputation of our whole sex, stulta est clementia―― perituræ parcere cartæ, opportunity of speaking slipt by silence, is as bad as importunity upheld Loqui quæ decet est melius quam tacere. by babling λαλει̂ν ἁ πρέπει, κρει̂ττον ἤ σιωπα̂ν. Know therefore that wee will cancell your accusations, travers your bils, and come upon you for a false inditement, and thinke not tis our waspishnesse that shall sting you; no sir, untill we see your malepert sausinesse reformed, which will not be till Literam longam trahere. you doe make a long letter to us, we will continue Juno’es,

Non sic abibunt odia vivaces aget violentus iras animus Sanusque dolor æterna bella pace sublatâ geret.

Notwithstanding for all your injuries as Gelo Siracu- B4v 6 Siracusanus answered Syagrius the Spartane, You ὀὐ με πείσειςἀσχήμοναἐν τη̂ἀμοιβηγί-νεθαι shall not induce mee though stird with anger, to demean my selfe unreverently in the retribution of your injuries. Your idoll muse, and musing being idle (as your learned Epistle beginneth) shall bee no plea to make your viperous scandals seeme pleasing, ipsa excusatio culpa est. Where by the way I note your untoward nature contrary to all men, for wheras in all others of your sex by your confession, idlenesse ingendreth love, in you hate: you say in the dedication of your booke to your mistresses the common sort of women, that you had little ease to passe the time withall, but now seeing you have basely wron’gd our wearied and wurried Patience with your insolent invective madnesse, you shall make a simple conversion of your proposition, and take your pastime in little ease: why? if you delight to sow thornes, is it not fit you should goe on them bare-foot and bare- legged. Your idle muse shall be frankt up, for while it is at liberty, most impiously it throwes Livi lib. 2. durt in the face of halfe humane kinde. Coriolanus when hee saw his mother and his wife weeping, naturall love compeld him to leave sacking the City for their sakes, ab hoc exemplum cape, but your barbarous hand will not cease to ruine the senses, and beleager the forces of Gynæcia, not sparing the mother that brought forth such an untoward whelp into the world as thy selfe, playing at blindman-buffe with all, scattering thy dissolute language at whomsoever comes next: you never heard of a boy, an unlucky gallowes that threw stones C1r 7 stones in the market-place he knew not whither: the wisely-cynicke Philosopher bade him take heed lest he hit his father. Nomine mutato narretur fabula de te. You might easily, if you had had the grace, perceive what use to make of it. But you goe forward, pretending you were in great choller against some women, and in the ruffe of your furie. Grant one absurditie, a thousand follow: Alas (good Sir) wee may easily gather you were mightily transported with passion. Anger and madnesse differ but in time. T’were a pleasant sight to see you in your great standing choller and furious ruffe together. Your choller (no doubt) was A little sinne. too great for a Spanish peccadillo, and your shagge ruffe seemed so greesly to set forth your ill-locking visage, that none of your shee-adversaries durst attempt to confront your follie. But now let us talke with you in your cold bloud. Now the lees of your furie are settled to the bottome, and your turbulent minde is defæcated and clearer, lets have a parle with you. What if you had cause to be offended with some (as I cannot excuse all) must you needs shoot your paper-pellets out of your potgun-pate at all women? Remember (sweet Sir) the counsell of Nestor to Achilles: ――Σὺ δὲ μεγαλήτορα θυμòν ἴσχειν ἐν στηθεσσι φιλοφροσύνη γὰρ ἀμείνων.

Animūum tu pectore fortem cōontineas, sibi qui bene temperas optimus esto. It had beene the part of humanitie to have smothered your anger, hoping amends and reconcilement, and not presently to wrecke your spleene. Architas in Tullie would have taught you Tuscul: 4. another lesson: Quo te inquit modo accepissem nisi C iratus C1v 8 iratus essem? But you (like a hare-braind scold) set your clawes in the face of the whole world. But this argues your levitie joyn’d with degenerate cowardize: for had you but considered with mature deliberation that (as Virgil speakes) ―― VirgVirgil. Aeneid.2. nullum memorabile nomenFœminea in pœna est, nec habet victoria laudem. Tis a poore atchievement to overcome a woman, you would never have beene so grievously troubled with the over-flowing of the gall, neither would the relish of your furr’d palate have beene so bitter, as what delicates soever you tasted should become unpleasing. I read of a mad fellow, which had lost his goods by sea, that whatsoever ships had come into the port at Athens, he would take a catalogue of them, and very busie would he be in making an inventorie of the goods they brought in and received, thinking all to bee his. So you having peradventure had some curst wife that hath given you as good as you brought, whatsoever faults you espie in others, you take that to heart: you run a madding up and downe to make a scrole of female frailties, and an inventorie of meretriciall behaviours, ascribing them to those that are joyned in the sacred bands of matrimonie. Because you have beene guld with brasse money, will you thinke no coyne currant? Because you have suffered shipwracke, will you disswade any from venturing to trafficke beyond Seas? Besides, you shew your selfe unjust in not observing a symmetrie and proportion of reuengevenge and the offence: for a pelting injurie should not C2r 9 not provoke an opprobrious calumnie; a private abuse of your owne familiar doxies should not breake out into open slanders of the religious matron together with the prostitute strumpet; of the nobly-descended Ladies, as the obscure base vermine that have bitten you; of the chaste and modest virgins, as well as the dissolute and impudent harlot. Because women are women, you will doe that in an houre, which you will repent you of all your life time after. Nay rather, if the ruffe of your furie would have let you lookt over it, you would have diverted the floud-gates of your poisoned streames that way where you perceived the common shore to run, and not have polluted and stained the cleere and crystalline waters. Because women are not women, rather might be a fit subject JuvenJuvenal. Sat. 6. of an ingenious Satyrist. alterius sexus imitata figuram est: the reason is, Quàm præstare potest mulier galeata pudorem, Quæ fugit à sexu? But when women are women, when wee saile by the true compasse of honest and religious conversation, why should you be so doggedly incensed to barke in generall? why should you imploy your invention to lay open new fashions of lewdnesse, which the worst of women scarce ever were acquainted with? imitating the vice of that Pagan Poet, whose indignation made verses, whose filthy reprehension opened the doores of unbridled luxurie, and gave a president of all admired wickednesse, and bruitish sensualitie, to succeeding ScalScaliger.3.lib. Poet. cap. 9. ages; whom great Scaliger indeed censurethC2 reth C2v 10 reth not worthy to be read of a pious and ingenuous man. That Satyr brands all his Countreywomen with the same marke: Iamque eadem summis pariter minimisque libido est,Nec melior pedibus silicem quæ conterit atrum,Quàm quæ longorum vehitur cervice Syrorum. But he lived in a nation earthly, devillish, sensuall, given over to a reprobate sense, that wrought all filthinesse with greedinesse. But you, sir, were whelpt in a better age, at least in a better climate, where the Gospell is preached, and the voice of the Turtle is heard in our land; where you might see (if you could perfectly distinguish) if you were not in the gall of bitternesse. Matchlesse beauties and glorious vertues shining together, you might behold (if outragious rage had not drawne a filme over your eye-sight) the goodly habiliments of the minde combined with the perfection of outward comelinesse and ornaments of the body. Is there not as many monuments erected to the famous eternizing of charitable deeds of women renowned in their generations, as trophees to the most couragious Potentates? In the commemorations of founders and benefactors, how many women have emulated your sex in bountifull exhibitions to religious uses and furtherance of pietie? I might produce infinite examples, if neede were: but bray a foole in a morter (said the wise man) yet he will not leave his foolerie: Neither if whole volumes were compiled against your manifest calumnies, would you ever be brought to a palinodie and recantation. Wee have your confessionfession C3r 11 fession under your owne hand, where you say you might have emploied your selfe to better use than in such an idle businesse. True: Πολλακὶ τοὶ καὶ μωρὸς ἀνηρ κατα και̂ριον εἴπε. A foole speakes sometimes to the purpose. If you must needs be digiting your pen, the time had beene farre better spent if you had related to the world some stories of your travels, with a Gentleman learneder and wiser then your selfe: so you might have beguiled the time, and exposed your Mr. Th˙Coriat, Quid enim maiore cachinno accipitur vulgi. ridiculous wit to laughter: you might have told how hardly such an unconstant bella curtizana de Venetijs entertained you, how your teeth watered, and after your affections were poisoned with their hainous evils; how in the beginning of your In his first Epistle. thirty yeeres travell and odde, your constitution inclined and you were addicted to prie into the various actions of loose, strange, lewd, idle, froward and inconstant women; how you happened (in some Stewes or Brothelhouses) to be acquainted with their cheats and evasions; how you came to be so expert in their subtile qualities; how politikely you caught the daughter in the oven, yet never was there your selfe; how in your voyages your stomacke was cloyd with these surfets, and therefore being a traveller, you had reason to censure hardly of women. Have you traveld halfe as long againe as that famous πόλλων δ’ ἀν-θρώπωνἴδεν ἀστεακαίνόονἔγνω Pilgrim, which knew the fashions of many men, and saw their Cities? Have you out-stript him in time, and come so short of him in knowledge? Is this all the manners you have learned abroad, these C3 thirty C3v 12 thirty and odde yeeres? Is this the benefit of your observations? Is this all the profit your Country shall reape by your forraine endevours? to bring home a company of idle humours of light huswi ves which you have noted, and divulge them in print to your owne disgrace and perpetuall obloquie? Have you traveld three times as long as an Elephant, and is this the first fruit, nay all the fruit of your idle addle coxcombe? Certainly you mis-spent your time in your travels: for it had beene more profitable for you, if you had brought dogges from Iceland; better for your Countrey, if you had kept a dogge there still. But tis easie to give a reason of your exasperate virulence, from your being a traveller: for it is very likely when you first went abroad to see fashions, twas your fortune to light amongst ill company, who trying what metall you were made of, quickly matriculated you in the schoole of vice, where you proved a most apt Non-proficient, and being guld of your patrimonie, your purse was turned into a passe, and that by women. Like a dogge that bites the stone which had almost beat out his braines, you come home swaggering:

Prodiga non sentit pereuntem fœmina censum, At velut exhausta redivivus pullulet arca Nummus, & è pleno semper tollatur acervo, Non unquāam reputant quantum sibi gaudia constant.

Which if you cannot understand, is to this sense:

A lavish woman thinkes there is no stint

Unto her purse: as though thou hadst a mint,

She C4r 13

She casts no count what money shee’l bestow,

As if her coine as fast as t’ebd, did flow.

Such it may be (I speake but on suspicion) were the conditions of those minions your minoritie had experience of in your voyages. Wherefore none either good or bad, faire or foule, of what estate soever, of what parentage or royall descent and lineage soever, how well soever nurtured and qualified, shall scape the convicious violence of your preposterous procacitie. Why did you not snarle at them directly that wronged you? Why did not you collimate your infectious Javelins at the right marke? If a theefe take your purse from you, will you maligne and swagger with every one you meet? If you be beaten in an Ale-house, will you set the whole Towne afire? If some curtezans that you have met with in your travels (or rather that have met with you) have ill intreated you, must honest and religious people be the scope of your malicious speeches and reprochfull tearmes? Yet it may be you have a further drift, to make the world beleeve you have an extraordinary gift of continencie; soothing your selfe with this supposition, that this open reviling is some token and evidence you never were affected with delicate and effeminate sensualitie, thinking this pamphlet should assoile thee from all manner of levie and taxation of a lascivious life; as if, because you cynically raile at all both good and bad, you had beene hatcht up without concupiscence; Ira. Concupiscentia. as if nature had bestowed on you all θυμὸς, and no ἐπιθυμία. Twas spoken of Euripides, that he hated C4v 14 hated women in choro, but not in thoro, in calamo, but not in thalamo: and why cannot you be liable to the same objection? I would make this excuse for you, but that the crabbednesse of your stile, the unsavory periods of your broken-winded sentences perswade your body to be of the same temper as your minde. Your ill-favoured countenance, your wayward conditions, your peevish and pettish nature is such, that none of our sex with whom you have obtained some partiall conference, could ever brooke your dogged frompard frowardnesse: upon which male-contented desperation, you hanged out your flagge of defiance against the whole world, as a prodigious monstrous rebell against nature. Besides, if your currish disposition had dealt with men, you Like for like. were afraid that Lex talionis would meet with you; wherefore you surmized, that inveighing against poore illiterate women, we might fret and bite the lip at you, wee might repine to see our selves baited and tost in a blanket, but never durst in open view of the vulgar either disclose your blasphemous and derogative slanders, or maintaine the untainted puritie of our glorious sex: nay, you’l put gagges in our mouthes, and conjure us all to silence: you will first abuse us, then binde us to the peace; wee must be tongue-tied, lest in starting up to finde fault, wee prove our selves guiltie of those horrible accusations. The sinceritie of our lives, and quietnesse of conscience, is a wall of brasse to beat backe the bullets of your vituperious scandals in your owne face. Tis D1r 15 Tis the resolved Aphorisme of a religious soule to answere, ego sic vivam ut nemo tibi fidem adhibeat: by our well-doings to put to silence the reports of foolish men, as the Poet speakes;

Vivendum recte tum propter plurima, tum de his Præcipue causis ut linguas mancipiorum contemnas.

Live well for many causes; chiefly this,

To scorne the tongue of slaves that speake amisse.

Indeed I write not in hope of reclaiming thee from thy profligate absurdities, for I see what Unde altior esset casus & impulsae præceps immane ruinæ. a pitch of disgrace and shame thy selfe-pining envie hath carried thee to, for thy greater vexation and more perplexed ruine. You see your blacke grinning mouth hath beene muzled by a modest and powerfull hand, who hath judiciously bewrayed, and wisely layed open your singular ignorance, couched under incredible impudence, who hath most gravely (to speake in your owne language) unfoulded every pleat, and shewed every rinckle of a prophane and brutish disposition, so that tis a doubt whether shee hath shewed more modesty or gravity, more learning or prudence in the religious confutation of your undecent raylings. But as shee hath beene the first Champion of our sexe that would encounter with the barbarous bloudhound, and wisely dammed up your mouth, and sealed up your jawes lest your venomed teeth like madde dogges should damage the credit of many, nay all innocent damosels; so no doubt, if your scurrilous and depraving tongue breake prison, and falls to licking up your vomitedD ted D1v 16 ted poyson, to the end you may squirt out the same with more pernicious hurt, assure your selfe there shall not be wanting store of Helebore to scoure the sinke of your tumultuous gorge, at least we will cram you with Antidotes and Catapotions, that if you swell not till you burst, yet your digested poyson shall not be contagious. I heare you foame at mouth and groule against the Author with another head like the triple dog of hell, wherefore I have provided this sop for Cerberus, indifferent well steept in vineger. I know not how your pallat will bee pleased with it to make you secure hereafter. Ile take the paines to worme the tongue of your madnesse, and dash your rankling teeth downe your throat: tis not houlding up a wispe, nor threatning a cuckingstoole shall charme us out of the compasse of your chaine, our pens shall throttle you, or like Archilochus with our tart Iambikes make you Lopez his godson: we will thrust thee like Phalaris into thine owne brazen bull, and baite thee at thy owne stake, and beate thee at thine owne weapon, Quippe minuti semper & infirmi est animi exiguique voluptas ultio: continuo sic collige quod vindicta nemo magis gaudet quam fæmina. Tis your Poets owne assertion, that ultion being the delight of Quem diri conscia facti mens habet attonitūum & surdo verbere cædit. Occultum quatiente animo tortore flagellum. a weake and feeble minde belongs to us. Thou that in thy selfe feelest the lash of folly, thou that confessest thy selfe to be in a fault, nay that thou hast offended beyond satisfaction, for tis hard to give a recompence for a slander: thou that acknowledgest thy selfe to be madde, in a rough furie,rie, D2r 17 rie, your wits gon a woolgathering that you had forgot your selfe (as I think) Nero-like in ripping up the bowels of thine owne Mother: for I have learnt so much Logicke to know quicquid dicitur de specie, dicitur de unoquoque, individuo eiusdem speciei: whatsoever is spoken or prædicated of the kinde is spoken of every one in the same kinde: first therefore to bring you to an impious ατοπον or inconvenience. Is it not a comely thing to heare a Sonne speake thus of his mother: My mother in her furie was worse than a Lion being bitten with hunger, than a beare being robbed of her yong ones, the viper being trod on. No spur would make my mother go, nor no bridle would hold her backe: tell her of her fault, she will not beleeve she is in any fault: give her good counsell, but she will not take it: if my Father did but look after another woman, then she would be jealous: the more he loved her, the more shee would disdaine him: if he threatened her, shee would bee angry: when he flattered her, then she would be proud: if he forbore her, it made her bould: if hee chastened her, she would turne to a serpent: at a word, my mother would never forget an injury, nor give thankes for a good turne: what an asse then was my Father to exchange gould for drosse, pleasure for paine: tis a wonderfull thing to see the madde feates of my mother, for she would picke thy pocket, empty thy purse, laugh in thy face & cut thy throat, she is ungratefull perjurd, full of fraud, flouting, and deceit, unconstant washpish, toyish, light, sullen, proud, discourteous and cruell: the breast of my mother was the harbourer of an envious heart, her heart the storehouse of poysoned D 2 hatred, D2v 18 hatred, her head devised villany, and her hands were ready to put in practise what her heart desired, then Pag. 15. who can but say but my mother a woman sprung from the Devill? you from your mother, and so Swetnam is the Devils Grand-child. Doe you not blush to see what a halter you have purchased for your owne necke? You thought in your ruffe of furie like Augustus Cæsar, to make an edict that all the world should be taxed, when your selfe is tributary to the greatest infirmities: you blowed the fier of sedition with the bellowes of your anger, and the coales are burning in your owne bosome, HorHorace: OdOdes:l.2 Periculosæ plenum opus aleæ, tractas & incedis per ignes suppositos cineri doloso. Is there no reverence to be given to your mother because you are weaned from her teat, and never more shall be fedde with her pappe? You are like the rogue in the Fable which was going to the gallowes for burglarie, that bit off his mothers nose, because she chastised him not in his infancy for his pettie-Larcenies: is this the requitall of all her cost, charge, care, and unspeakeable paines she suffered in the producing of such a monster into the light? If she had cram’d gravell downe thy throat when shee gave thee sucke, or exposed thee to the mercy of the wilde beasts in the wildernesse when she fed thee with the pap, thou couldst not have showen Ingratum si dixero omnia dixero. thy selfe more ungratefull then thou hast in belching out thy nefarious contempt of thy mothers sexe. Wherefore mee thinkes it is a pleasing revenge that thy soule arraines thee at the barre of conscience, and thy distracted mind cannot chuse but D3r 19 but hant thee like a bumbaylie to serve a subpœna on thee, the stile and penning of your pamphlet hath brought you within the compasse of a Præmunire, and every sentence beeing stolne out of other bookes, accuseth you of robbery. So that thou carriest in thy selfe a walking Newgate up & downe with thee, thy owne perplexed suspicions like Promotheus vulture is alwaies gnawing on thy liver. Besides, these books which are of late come out (the latter whereof hath prevented me in the designes I purposed in running over your wicked handi-worke) are like so many red-hot irons to stigmatize thy name with the brand of a hideous blasphemer and incarnate Devill. Although thou art not apprehended and attached for thy villany I might say fellonie, before a corporall judge, yet thine owne conscience if it be not feared up, tortures thee, and wracks thy tempestuous minde with a dissolution and whurring too and fro of thy scandalous name, which without blemish my penne can scarce deigne to write, you finde it true which the Poet speakes;

Exemplo quodcunque malo committitur, ipsi Displicet authori, prima est hæc ultio quod se Judice nemo nocens absolvitur, improba quamvis Juven:Sat:13. Gratia fallacis prætoris vicerit urnam.

What sin is wrought by ill example, soone

The displeased Author wisheth it undone.

And tis revenge when if the nocent wight,

Umpires his cause himselfe: in his owne sight,

He findes no absolution, though the eyes

Of judgement wink, his soule still guilty cries.

D3 Tis D3v 20

Tis often observed, that the affections of auditors (and readers too) are more offended with the foule mouthed reproofe of the brawling accuser, than with the fault of the delinquent. If you had kept your selfe within your pretended limits, and not medled with the blamelesse and innocent, yet your prejudicate rayling would rather argue an unreverent and lascivious inclination of a depraved nature, then any love or zeale to vertue and honesty: you ought to have considered that in the vituperation of the misdemeanors and disorders in others lives; this cautelous Proviso should direct you that in seeking to reforme others, you deforme not your selfe; especially by moving a suspition that your minde is troubled and festered with the impostume of inbred malice, and corrupt hatred: for tis alwaies the badge and cognisance of a degenerous and illiberall disposition to bee ambitious of that base and ignoble applause, proceeding from the giddy-headed Plebeians, that is acquired by the miserable oppressing and pilling of vertue. But every wrongfull contumely & reproach hath such a sharpe sting in it, that if it fasten once on the minde of a good and ingenuous nature, tis never drawen forth without anxiety & perpetuall recordation of dolour, which if you had known, your hornet-braines would not have buzd abroad with a resolution to sting some tho you lost your sting and died for it: you would not like the cuttle fish spewd out your inkie gall with hope to turne the purest waters to your owne sable hew; ut non odio inimicitiarum ad vituperandūumsedD4r21 sed studio calumniandi ad inimicitias descēenderes, that you would arme your selfe, not with the hate of enmity to dispraise vice, but with the study of calumny to make enmity with vertue: yet tis remarkable that ignorance & impudence were partners in your worke, for as you have of all things under the sunne, selected the bayting, or as you make a silly solæcisme the bearebayting of Women, to be the tenterhookes whereon to stretch your shallow inventions on the triviall subject of every shackragge that can but set penne to paper: so in the handling of your base discourse, you lay open your imperfections, arripiendo maledicta ex trivio, by heaping together the scraps, fragments, and reversions of divers english phrases, by scraping together the glaunders and offals of abusive termes, and the refuse of idle headed Authors, and making a mingle-mangle gallimauphrie of them. Lord! how you have cudgeld your braines in gleaning multitudes of similies as twere in the field of many writers, and thrasht them together in the floure of your owne devizor; and all to make a poore confused misceline, whereas thine owne barren soyled soyle is not able to yeeld the least cōongruity of speech. Tis worthy laughter what paines you have taken in turning over Parismus, what use you make of the Knight of the Sunne, what collections out of Euphues, Amadis a Gaule, and the rest of Don Quixotes Library, sometimes exact tracing of Æsopicall Fables, and Valerius Maximus, with the like schooleboyes bookes, so that if these Pamphleters would severally plucke a D4v 22 a crow with you. Furtivis nudata coloribus moveat cornicula risum, let every bird take his owne feather, and you would be as naked as Æsops jay. Indeed you have shewen as much foolery as robberie in feathering your neast, which is a cage of uncleane birds, and a storehouse for the off-scowrings of other writers. Your indiscretion is as great in the laying together, & compiling of your stolne ware, as your blockishnesse in stealing, for your sentences hang together like sand without lime: you bring a great heape of stony rubbish comparisons one upon the necke of another, but they concurre no more to sense, then a company of stones to a building without morter, and tis a familiar Italian Proverb, duro è duro non fa muro, hard and hard makes no wall, so your hard dull pate hath collected nothing that can stand together with common sense, or be pleasing to any refined disposition, rough and unhewen morsells digd out of others quarries, potsherds pickt out of sundry dunghills: your mouth indeed is full of stones, lapides loqueris, but not so wisely nor so warily cramd in as the geese that flie over the mountaines in Silicia, which carry stones in their beakes lest their cackling should make them a pray to the Eagles, where you might learne witte of a goose. ἢ λὲγε σίγης κρει̂ττον ἢ σιγην ἔχε. Either speake peace, or hold your peace. Is it not irksome to a wise and discreet judgement, to heare a booke stuft with such like sense as this, The world is not made of oatmeale? I have heard of some that have thought the world to have beene composed E1r 23 composed of atomes, never any that thought it made of oatmeale: Nor all is not gold that glisters, nor the way to heaven is strewd with rushes, for a dramme of pleasure an ounce of paine, for a pint of hony a gallon of gall, for an inch of mirth an ell of moane,&c. None above the scumme of the world could endure with patience to reade such a medly composed of discords. Sometimes your dogrill rhymes make mee smile, as when you come,

Man must be at all the cost, And yet live by the losse: A man must take all the paines, And women spend all the gaines: Their catching in jest, And keeping in earnest. And yet she thinkes she keepes her selfe blamelesse, And in all ill vices she would goe namelesse. But if she carry it never so cleane, Yet in the end she will be counted for a cunny- catching queane. And yet she will sweare that she will thrive, As long as she can finde one man alive.

I stand not to descant on your plaine song; but surely if you can make ballads no better, you must be faine to give over that profession: for your Muse is wonderfully defective in the bandileeres, and you may safely sweare with the Poet,

Nec fonte labra prolui caballino, Nec in bicipiti somniasse Parnasso Memini.――

Sometimes you make me burst out with laughter, when I see your contradictions of your selfe; E I E1v 24 I will not speake of those which others have espied, although I had a fling at them, lest I should actum agere. Mee thinkes, when you wrote your second Epistle, neither to the wisest Clerke, nor yet to the starkest foole, the giddinesse of your head bewrayes you to be both a sillie Clerke, and a starke foole: or else the young men you write to must be much troubled with the megrim and the dizzinesse of the braine: for you beginne as if you were wont to runne up and downe the Countrey with Beares at your taile. If you meane to see the Beare-baiting of women, then trudge to this Beare-garden apace, and get in betimes, and view every roome where thou maist best sit, &c.

Now you suppose to your selfe the giddy-headed young men are flockt together, and placed to their owne pleasure, profit, and hearts ease. Let but your second cogitations observe the method you take in your supposed sport: In stead of bringing your Beares to the stake, you say, I thinke it were not amisse to drive all women out of my hearing, for doubt lest this little sparke kindle into such a flame, and raise so many stinging hornets humming about mine eares, that all the wit I have (which is but little) will not quench the one, nor quiet the other. Doe yee not see your apparant contradiction? Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici? You promise your spectators the Beare- baiting of women, and yet you thinke it not amisse to drive all women out of your hearing; so that none but your selfe the ill-favoured Hunckes is left in the Beare-garden to make your inuited E2r 25 invited guests merry: whereupon it may very likely be, the eager young men being not willing to be guld and cheated of their money they paid for their roome, set their dogges at you, amongst whom Cerberus that hell-hound appeared, and you bit off one of his heads; for presently after you call him the two-headed dogge, whom all the Poets would faine to have three heads: You therefore having snapt off that same head, were by the secret operation of that infernal substance, converted into the same essence: and that may serve as one reason that I tearme you Cerberus the Jaylor of hell; for certainly Quicquid dicitur de toto, dicitur de singulis partibus: That which is spoke of the whole, is spoken of every part; and every limbe of the devill is an homogeneall part. Doe yee not see (goodman woodcocke) what a springe you make for your owne selfe? Whereas you say tis a great discredit for a man to bee accounted a scold, and that you deale after the manner of a shrew, which cannot ease her curst heart but by her unhappy tongue; observe but what conclusion demonstratively followes these premises: A man that is accounted a scold, hath great discredit: Joseph Swetnam is accounted a scold: Ergo, Joseph hath great discredit.

If you denie the Minor, tis proved out of your owne assertion, because you deale after the manner of a shrew, &c. where wee may note first a corrupt fountaine, whence the polluted puddles E 2 of E2v 26 of your accustomed actions are derived, A curst heart; then the cursednesse of your booke (which if you might be your owne Judge, deserves no more the name of a booke, then a Colliers Jade to be a Kings Steed) to bee the fruit of an unhappie tongue: thirdly, your commoditie you reape by it discredit. Nay if you were but a masculine scold, twere tolerable; but to be a prophane railing Rabshekeh, tis odious. Neither is this all your contrarietie you have included: for presently after you professe you wrote this booke with your hand, but not with your heart; whereas but just now you confest your selfe to deale after the manner of a shrew, which cannot otherwise ease your curst heart, but by your unhappy tongue: so your hand hath proved your unhappy tongue a lier. This unsavorie non-sense argueth you to be at that time possest with the fault you say commonly is in men, to wit, drunkennesse, when you wrote these jarring and incongruous speeches, whose absurdities accrew to such a tedious and infinite summe, that if any would exactly trace them out, they should finde them like a Mathematicall line, Divisibilis in semper divisibilia. Twould put downe the most absolute Arithmetician to make a catalogue of them: wherefore I could wish thee to make a petition, that you might have your bookes called in and burnt; for were it not better that the fire should befriend thee in purifying the trash, and eating out the canker of thy defamation, then thy execrable designes and inexcusable impudence should blazon abroad thy drunken temeritieritie E3r 27 ritie and temulent foole-hardinesse to future ages, then thy booke should peremptorily witnesse thy open and Atheisticall blasphemy against thy Creator even in the very threshold and entrance? but Page 31. above all, where thou doest put a lie on God himselfe, with this supposition, If God had not made them only to be a plague to man, he would never have called them necessary evils: Which I thus anticipate; But God never called them necessary evils, Therefore God made them not to be a plague to man. Or else turning the conclusion to the meane thus: But God did not make them to be a plague, but a helper and procurer of all felicitie; therefore God never called them necessary evils. Were it not (I say) farre better for you that your laborious idle worke should be abolished in the flames, then it should publikely set forth the apert violation of holy writ in sundry places? one in the beginning (as I remember) where you falsly averre, that the blessed Patriarke David exclaimed bitterly against women, and like the tempting devill you alledge halfe Scripture, whereas the whole makes against your selfe: for thus you affirm he saith; It is better to be a doore-keeper, than to be in the house with a froward woman. In the whole volume of the booke of God, much lesse in the Psalmes, is there any such bitter exclamation? But this is the dittie of the sweet singer of Israel, whereby he did intimate his love unto the house of God, and his detestation of the pavilions of the unrighteous by this Antithesis: It is better to be a doore-keeper in the house of the Lord, than to dwell in the TabernaclesE3 cles E3v 28 cles of the ungodly. Now if you have a private spirit that may interpret by enthusiasmes, you may confine the Tabernacles of the ungodly onely to froward women; which how absurd and grosse it is, let the reader judge. Doest thou not blush (gracelesse) to pervert (with Elemas) the strait wayes of God, by prophaning the Scriptures, and wreathing their proper and genuine interpretations to by-senses, for the boulstering and upholding of your damnable opinion? besides thy pittifully wronging of the Philosophers, as Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, &c. whom your illiterate and clownish Muse never was so happy to know whether they wrote any thing or no. Your ethnicke histories, although they rather make against men than women, yet in your relation you most palpably mistake, and tell one thing for another, as of Holophernes, Antiochus, Hannibal, Socrates, and the rest which the poore deluded Corydons and sillie swaines account for oracles, and maintaine as axiomes. The quirkes and crotchets of your owne pragmaticall pate, you father on those ancient Philosophers that most extremely oppose your conceit of mariage: for Plato made this one of his lawes, that whosoever was not maried at thirty five yeeres of age, should be punished with a fine. Further he implies a necessitie of mariage, even in regard of the adoration of God himselfe: …γεννωντας και εκτρέφοντας παιδας καθαπερ λαμπαδα τὸν βιον παραδιδοντας ἀλλοις ἐξ ἀλλων θεραποντες ἀει θεὸν κατα νόμον: Tis necessary that there should be a lawfull generation and education of children, that life as a lampe may continuecontinue E4r 29 continue to posteritie, that so there might alwaies be some to worship God. What more divinely or religiously could be spoken by a Paynim? How then durst you say that the Philosophers that lived in the old time had so hard an opinion of mariage, that they tooke no delight therein, seeing the chiefe of them were maried themselves? I could be infinite to produce examples and symboles Theognis. to make you a lier in print: οὔδεν κυρη αγάθης γλυκυρωτερον ἐστὶ γυναικος. Nothing is more sweet than a good Protagoras. wife. σημνη̂ς γυναικὸς ὁταν τύχης τὸν βίον ἀλυπον διατελει̂ς. He that hath a good wife, hath a merry life. Most famous is that retortion of Pittachus, one of the seven wise men of Greece, when he demanded a fellow wherfore he would not take to him a wife, and the fellow answered, ἐὰν καλην γαμω, ἑξω κοινην, ἐαν δ’ αισχραν, ἑξω ποινην. If I take a faire wife, I shall have her common; if a foule, a torment. The wise man replied, ἐαν καλην γαμης, οὐκ ἑξεις ποινην. ἐαν δ’ αισχραν, οὐκ ἑξεις κοινην. If thou getst a foule wife, thou shalt not have her common; if a faire, no torments. There is as much reason for the one as the other: but tis but wasting paper to reckon up these obvious sayings. Let that same acclamation of Horace stand for a thousand others:

Fælices ter & ampliùs, Quos irrupta tenet copula, nec malis Divulsus querimonijs, Suprema citiùs soluet amor die.

Thrise and more times are they blest,

That in wedlockes bands doe rest,

Whose E4v 30

Whose faithfull loves are knit so sure,

That blamelesse endlesse they endure.

But you that will traduce the holie Scriptures, what hope is there but you will deprave humane authors. You taxe Plato and Aristotle of a lascivious life that by the light of naturall reason were chiefest establishers of Matrimony, both in regard Plato 1. l. de leg: Ar:1.Oecon. cap.7. of œconomicke, and politicke affaires. doe these things deserve commendations of any, but rather the scorne and reproofe of all: what a silly thing it is, let Monsieur Swetnam judge, when Valerius Page 49. Maximus relates in his 4. booke, a history of one Tiberius Gracchus, that found two serpents in his bed-chamber and killed the male, which by the prediction of Southsayers designed himselfe to death, because he dearely loved his wife Cornelia, and you like an Asse tel this tale of Valerius Maximus, as if because Joseph tells a tale of one Bias that bought the best and worst meate which was tongues, in the market: hee that reades it should say that one lying Asse Swetnam bought the best and worst tongues; but certainely if that Bias had met with your tongue in the Market, hee would have taken it for the worst and most unprofitable meat, because from nothing can come worse venome then from it: What should I speake of the figments of your dull pate, how absurdly you tell of one Theodora a Strumpet in Socrates time, that could intise away all the Philosophers Schollers from him: is not the vaine and inconstant nature of men more culpable by this ensample than of women, when they should be so luxuriously bent that F1r 31 that one silly light woman should draw a multitude of learned Schollers from the right way: yet neyther Laertius, nor any that writte the lives of Philosophers make mention of this Theodora, but I have read of a glorious Martyr of this name, a Virgin of Antiochia, in the time of Dioclesian the Emperor, who being in prison, a certaine barbarous Souldier moved with lust in himselfe, and the lustre of her beauty, would have ravished her by violence, whom she not onely deterred from this cursed act by her perswasive oratory, but by her powerfull intreaties by changing vestments wrought her delivery by him. I would runne through all your silly discourse, and anatomize your basery, but as some have partly beene boulted out already, and are promised to be prosecuted, so I leave them as not worthy rehearsall or refutation. I would give a supersedeas to my quill: but there is a most pregnant place in your booke which is worthy laughter that comes to my mind where you most graphically describe the difference and antipathie of man and woman, which being considered, you thinke it strange there should be any reciprocation of love, for a man say you delights in armes, and hearing the ratling drum, but a woman loves to heare sweet musicke on the Lute, Cittern, or Bandora: I prethee who but the long-eard animall had rather heare the Cuckoe than the Nightingale? Whose eares are not more delighted with the melodious tunes of sweete musicke, then with the harsh sounding drum? Did not Achilles delight himselfe with his F harpe F1v 32 harpe as well as with the trumpet? Nay, is there not more men that rather affect the laudable use of the Citterne, and Bandore, and Lute for the recreation of their mindes, than the clamourous noyse of drums? Whether is it more agreeable to humane nature to march amongst murthered carkasses, which you say man rejoyceth in, than to enjoy the fruition of peace and plenty, even to dance on silken Carpets, as you say, is our pleasure? What man soever maketh warres, is it not to this ende, that hee might enjoy peace? Who marcheth among murdered carkasses, but to this end, that his enemies being subdued and slaine, he may securely enjoy peace? Man loves to heare the threatning of his Princes enemies, but woman weepes when shee heares of warres, What man that is a true and loyall subject loves to heare his Princes enemies threaten: is not this a sweet commendation thinke you? is it not more humane to bewaile the wars and losse of our countrimen, then to rejoyce in the threats of an adversary? but you goe forward in your paralelling a mans love to lie on the cold grasse, but a woman must bee wrapped in warme mantles. I never heard of any that had rather lie in the could grasse then in a feather-bed, if he might have his choyce; yet you make it a proper attribute to all your sexe. Thus you see your cheefest elegancie to bee but miserable patches and botches: this Antithesis you have found in some Author betwixt a warrier and a lover, and you stretch it to shew the difference betwixt a man and a woman; sed nos hac a scabie F2r 33 a scabie teneamus ungues: I love not to scratch a mangie rascall, there is neither credit nor pleasure in it. You threaten your second volly of pouder and shot, wherein you will make us snakes, venemous Second Epistle. adders, and scorpions, & I know not what; are these termes beseeming the mouth of a Christian or a man, which is ovo prognatus eodem, did not your mother hatch the same Cockatrice egge to make you in the number of the generation of Vipers? and I take you to be of that brood which Homer calls τανογλοσσοι, alwaies lolling out the tongue, and all the Historiographers terme Scopes that give a most unpleasing and harsh note, quasi περισκωπτουσα, cavilling and taunting, and as Cœlius wittily notes them to be so called, quasi Sciopas, ἐν σκία ἔχοντες τὴν ὄπα having their face obscur’d in darknesse, so this your booke being but the howling of a night-bird shall circumscribe thy name in the dungeon of perpetuall infamy. Thou that art extold amongst clownes and fooles, shalt be a hissing, and a by-word to the learned and judicious: in so much as thine unlucky shrieking shall affect thee with gastly terrors and amazements: never thinke to set forth more larums of your brutishnesse, but as Labienus, who was sirnamed Rabies madnesse, because hee used such liberty of his detracting tongue, that he would without regard or discretion, rayle upon all men in his exasperate mood; When all his bookes and writings were made a bonfire of (which in those dayes was a new-found way of punishing untoward wits) Eam contumeliam (saith mine Author) LabienusF2 bienus F2v 34 bienus non tulit neque superstes ingenio suo esse voluit. Labienus tooke snuffe at this contumelious destruction of his despised labours, he was unwilling to be the surviving executor of his owne wit, whereupon in a melancholy and desperate mood he caused himselfe to be coffin’d up, and carried into the vault where his ancestors were entombed (thinking (it may be) that the fier which had burned his fame should be denied him) hee died and buried himselfe together. I doe not wish you the same death, though you have the same conditions and surname as hee had, but live still to barke at Vertue, yet these our writings shall be worse then fiers to torture both thy booke and thee: Wherefore transcribing some verses that a Gentleman wrote to such an one as your selfe in this manner I conclude.

Thy death I wish not, but would have thee live, To rayle at vertues acts, and so to give Good vertues lustre. Seeing envy still Waites on the best deserts to her owne ill. But for your selfe learne this, let not your hand Strike at the flint againe which can withstand Your malice without harme, and to your face Returne contempt, the brand of your disgrace; Whilst women sit unmov’d, whose constant mindes (Arm’d against obloquy) with those weate windes Cannot be shaken: for who doth not marke That Dogs for custome, not for fiercenesse barke. These any foot-boy kicks, and therefore we Passing them by, with scorne doe pitty thee. For F3r 35 For being of their nature mute at noone, Thou darst at midnight barke against the moone; Where mayest thou ever barke that none shall hear, But to returne the like: and maist thou beare With greefe more slanders then thou canst invent, Or ere did practise yet, or canst prevent, Maist thou be matcht with envy, and defend Scorne toward that which all besides commend. And may that scorne so worke upon thy sense, That neyther suffering nor impudence May teach thee cure: or being overworne With hope of cure may merit greater scorne. If not too late, let all thy labours be Contemn’d by upright judgements, and thy fee So hardly earn’d, not pay’d: may thy rude quill Be alwaies mercenary, and write still, That which no man will read, unlesse to see Thine ignorance, and then to laugh at thee; And mayst thou live to feele this, and then groane, Because tis so, yet cannot helpe, and none May rescue thee, till your check’t conscience cry, This this I have deserv’d, then pine and die. Et cum fateri furia iusserit verum, Prodente clames conscientia; scripsi.