A1r

The
Innocent Mistres.

A
Comedy.

As it was Acted, by
His Majesty’s Servants
At The
Theatre in Little-Lincolns-Inn-Fields.

Written by Mrs. Mary Pix.

London,
Printed by J. Orme, for R. Basset, at the Miter within Temple-Bar,
and F. Cogan in the Inner-Templelane.16971697.

A1v

Names Represented.

Mr. Betteron Sir Charles Beauclair, first a Younger Brother, marri’d
by his Friends, to a Rich ill-favour’d Widow, afterwards
Master of a great Estate, and in Love
with Bellinda.

Mr. Verbruggen Sir Francis Wildlove, his Friend.

Mr. Knap Searchwell his Man.

Mr. Hodgson Beaumont an honest Country Gentleman, Friend to
Sir Francis: and Lover of Arabella.

Mr. Bowman Spendall a Sharper; and hanger on to Sir Charles.

Mr. Freeman Lywell, a Rake, Companion to Spendal.

Mr. Bowen Cheatall, a very foolish Fellow; Brother to the Lady
Beauclair
.

Mr. Harris Gentil, his Man; an Ingenious Fellow.

Mr. Underhill Mr. Flywife, alias Allen, a Merchant.

Women.

Mrs. Barry Bellinda, alias Mariamne, Daughter to the Lord Belmour.

Mrs. Bracegird Mrs. Beauclair, Niece to Sir Charles.

Mrs. Prince Arabella, a young Lady, left to the Care of Cheatall’s
Father.

Mrs. Lee Lady Beauclair, an ill bred Woman.

Mrs. Howard Peggy, her Daughter, of the same Stamp.

Mrs. Lawson Eugenia, the Lady Beauclair’s Woman.

Mrs. Betty, Woman to Bellinda.

Mrs. Du Qua Dresswell, Woman to Mrs. Beauclair.

Mrs. Lassel Mrs. Flywife, kept by Flywife, and going by his Name.

Mrs. Willis Jenny, her Maid.

Drawers and Servants.

Pro-
A2r

Prologue:

Spoken by Mr. Verbruggen, Written by Mr. Motteaux.

Mr. Verbruggen[Speaker label not present in original source]

“This season with what Arts both Houses strive, By your kind presence, to be kept alive! W’ have still new things, or old ones we revive; We plot, and strive to bring them first o’ th’ Stage, Like wary Pilot for his Weather gage. W’ have Every Act, and every week a Play; Nay, w’have had new ones studied for one Day; W’have double Duty, and w’ have but half Pay. VVW’ have scaling Monkies, and w’ have dancing Swans, To match our nimble cap’ring Chairs and Stands: There Opera’s with, and here without Machines: Here, Scenes well wrought, and there, well painted Scenes; Castles and Men i’ the’ Air, the World i’ th’ Moon, Where you, like Swallows fly, but soon y’ are gone. W’ve something ev’ry different Taste to hit, I gad, I think, w’ have ev’ry thing but Wit; For w’ have full Scenes, and w’ have an empty Pitt. Faith, Sirs, we scarce cou’d hope, you here wou’d be So num’rous, tho’ we have a new Comedy. For there’s in plays, you know, a Reformation (A thing to which y’ have no great inclination) I fear you’ll seek some loser Occupation. From those Lewd Poets all these mischiefs flow; They, like Drawcansirs, maul’d both Friend and Foe. Wou’d they’d been serv’d like their Plays long ago! All cautious Dons and Matrons hence they fear’d, And all this did they do, because they dar’d. Yet, that you’re hardn’d Sinners they may boast, The more they lash’d you, you seem’d tickled most. But now flawed-reproduction their Plays. No Lady now will need to hide her face; But I’ll be hang’d if one i’th’ Gallery stays. To hear ill-natur’d Truths no more you’ll sit But mortifie an inoffensive Wit; Lord! how still we shall have you in the Pit! For I dare say, of what most pleas’d our Guests, Nine parts in Ten were still sheer Bawdy Jests. Methinks I see some here who seem to say Gad, e’re the Curtain’s drawn I’ll slip away; No Bawdy, this can’t be a Women’s Play. Nay, I confess there’s Cause enough to doubt, But, Faith, they say there was a deal cut out, Then stay and use it gently, some of you, Since to be maim’d y’ are somewhat subject too. Spare it, you who for harmless sports declare, Show that this age a modest Play can bear. Twice has our Poetess kind usage found; Change not her Fortune, tho’ she cang’d her Ground.”

Epi- A2v

Epilogue:

Spoken by Mr. Scudamore, Written by Mr. Motteaux.

Mr. Scudamore[Speaker label not present in original source]

“Sscriblers, like Bullies, sometimes huff the Pitt, Tho their feign’d Courage has an Ague Fit; But oftner, from a sense of their Condition, An Epilogue resembles a Petition. Thus they make Mr. Bays his Notion just; If Thunder cannot save them, Halters must. Which way to use, I swear, I do not know; Huffing’s too haughty, Cringing is too low. I’ll use the middle way; perhaps ’twill do, At least, I fancy, ’tis most lik’d by you. Thus then to ev’ry Judge of Wit I bow; (I hope all the Audience think I mean them now). If so, you’ll scorn to judge of Woman’s Wit; Tho’ in Wit’s Court the worst of Judges sit, Sure none dare try such puny Causes yet. Faith, if you’re strict, now there’s a Reformation, We’ve sworn t’invitte the grave part of the Nation; Rich Sparks with broad-brim-hats and little Bands. Who’ll clap dry Morals till they hurt their Hands; Nice Dames? who’ll have their Box as they’ve their Pew. And come each Day, but not to ogle you: No, each side Box shall shine with sweeter Faces; None but Chains, Gowns and Coifs shall have their Places, Their Chit-chat News, Stockjobbing, and Law-Causes. The Middle-Fry shall in the Gall’ry sit, And humh whatever against Cuckold’s Writ. And City Wives from Lectures throng the Pit. Their Daughters Fair with Prentice trudge it hither, And throng as they do Lambeth-Wells this weather. Then all thus stor’d, tho’ Money’s scarce this age, We need not fear t’ have a Beau-crowded Stage. So, for new guests we’ll change, just as our Beaus Wear Doyly-Stuff, for want of better Cloths.”

Act B1r 1

Act I.

Sir Francis Wildlove in his Chamber Dressing.

Sir Fran

Searchwell!

Search

―― Sir.

Sir Fran

Get me some Small Beer, and dash a little Langoone
in it; else ’twill go down my burning Stomach ten degrees
colder than ice: I should have met my old Friend and Collegian Beaumont,
who came to Town last night, but Wine and Women drove it clear out of my
Head.

Search

Sir, he’s here.

Enter Beaumont.

Sir Fran

Welcome dear Friend, I prithee pardon my omission, faith ’twas
business that could not be left to other hands.

Beau

Women I suppose, and that excuse I know a Man of your kidney
thinks almighty.

Sir Fran

Even so well by my Life, I am heartily glad to see you, why thou
hast been an age confin’d to barren Fields and senceless Groves, or Conversation
stupid and dull as they: How canst thou waste thy Youth, happy
Youth, the very Quintessence of Life from London, this dear Epitome of pleasure?

Beau

Because excess of drinking cloys my Stomach, and Impudence in Women
absolutely turns it; then I hate the vanity of Dress and Flattering, where
eternal Noise and Nonsence reigns; this consider’d, what should I do here?

Sir Fran

Not much in troth.

Beau

But you, my Friend, run the Career your appetite directs, taste all those
pleasures I despise, you can inform me what humour’s most in fashion, what
ruling whim, and how the Ladies are.

Sir Fran

Why faith there’s no great alteration, the Money is indeed very
much scarcer, yet what perhaps you’l think a wonder, dressing and debauchery
increases; as for the Damosels, three sorts make a Bushel, and will
be uppermost: First, there’s your common Jilts will oblige every body.

Beau

These are Monsters sure.

Sir Fran

You may call ’em what you please, but they are very plentiful, I
promise you: The next is your kept Mistress, she’s a degree modester, if not
kind to each, appears in her dress like Quality, whilst her ogling eyes, and
too frequent Debauches discovers her the younger Sister only to the first.

Beau

This I shou’d hate for Ingratitude.

B Sir B1v 2

Sir Fran

The third is, not a Whore, but a brisk airy, noisy Coquette,
that lives upon treating, one Spark has her to the Play, another to the
Park, a third to Windsor, a fourth to some other place of Diversion; She has
not the heart to grant ’em all favours, for that’s their design at the bottom
of the Treats, and they have not the heart to marry her, for that’s her design
too Poor Creature. So perhaps a year, or it may be two, the gaudy
Butterfly flutters around the Kingdom, then if a foolish Citt does not take compassion,
sneaks into a Corner, dies an Old Maid, despised and forgotton.
The Men that fit those Ladies are your Rake, your Cully, and your Beaux.

Beau

I hope sir Fra. Wildlove has more honour than to find a Mistres
amongst such Creatures.

Sir Fran

Gad honest honourable Ned, I must own I have a fling at all, sometimes
I think it worth my while to make a Keeper Jealonus, frequently treat
the Coquette, ’till either she grows upon me, or I grow weary of her; then
’tis but saying a rude thing, she quarrels, I fly to the next Bottle, and there
for ever drown her remembrance.

Beau

’Tis pitty that the most noblest Seeds of Nature are most prone to
Vice.

Sir Fran

Such another grave Speech wou’d give me a fit of the Colick.

Beau

Well I find ’tis in vain to tell you my Story, without I have a desire
to be swingingly laught at.

Fran

Nay, Nay, why so, I’d sacrifice my life to serve my friend.

Beau

To confess the truth, I’m in Love.

Sir Fran

Is that such a wonder why I have been so a thousand times? old boy.

Beau

Ay, but desperately, vertuously!

Sir Fran

There the Case differs, I doubt friend you have apply’d your self
to a wrong Man.

Beau

Are you not acquainted with Sir Charles Beauclair?

Sir Fran

Yes, intimately.

Beau

Then, in short, his Lady and a Booby Brother of her’s have got my
Mistress in their power; she was the Daughter of an Eminent Merchant,
one Sir George Venturewell, who dying left her to the care of my Lady Beauclair’s
Father; he prov’d like most Guardians, a great Knave, forg’d a Will,
which gave my Arabella nothing, unless she married this two-leg’d thing his
Son; some of her friends contested with ’em, but the Lawyers roguery,
through the Guardians wealth prevail’d, and she is again in their possession;
the old Fellow is dead, but the Sister and Brother pretend to manage her.

Sir Fran

Your case is desperate, and I fear Sir Charles can do you but little
service in’t.

Beau

Why, he lives with his Wife.

Sir Fran

Yes, modestly, he knows nothing of her concerns, and desires
she shou’d know nothing of his: did you never hear of her Character?

Beau

No.

Sir Fran

She is certainly the most disagreeable of the whole Sex, has neither
Sense, Beauty or good Manners; then her humour is so implacable, she
hunted her first Husband into the Indies, where he dy’d, Heaven knows when
or how.

Beau. B2r 3

Beau

What the Devil made Sir Charles Marry her?

Sir Fr

Even that tempting Devil Interest, she was vastly Rich, he a younger
Brother, since the Estate and title of his Family is fallen to him, and I
dare swear he’d willingly give a Leg or an Arm to be freed from the intolerable
Plague of a Wife, whom no Mortal can please.

Enter Servant.

Serv

Sir Charles Beauclair is coming to wait upon your Honour.

Sir Fran

I am glad on’t, I fancy there’s a sympathy in your humours, that
will soon excite a friendship, for he notwithstanding the provocation of an
ugly Scolding Wife at home, and the Temptation of a good Estate, and a
handsome Fellow into the bargain, instead of making his life easie with jolly
Bona-robars, dotes on a Platonick Mistress, who never allows him greater
favours than to read Plays to her, kiss her hand, and fetch Heart-breaking
Sighs at her Feet; with her he has oblig’d his charming Neice to be, almost
always; Faith nothing but the horrible fear of Matrimony before my
eyes keeps me from loving Mrs. Beauclair, she is pretty without affectation,
has but just pride enough to become her, and gravity enough to secure her
from Scandal: to all this add twelve thousand Pounds in ready Money.

Enter Sir Charles Beauclair and Mr. Spendal.

Sir Charl

And is not that last the most prevailing Argument, ha, Frank?

Sir Fran

No, Sir Charles, Chains of Gold wont tempt my freedom from
me, but here’s a Gentleman, fixt in the dull matrimonial rode, uneasie if he
meets with interruption, though it throws him on the flowry fields of liberty,
he’s my particular friend, and labours under the pangs of disappointed
Love, ’tis in your power to assist him in his delivery; I know you are compassionate
in these cases.

Sir Charl

You may promise for me to the utmost, I am ready.

Beau

Fame reports you a true English Gentleman.

Sir Charl

You may Command me, Sir.

Spendal

aside
to Sir Charles

Dear Sir Charles, lend me one Guinea more, the Estate’s Intail’d, my Father will die, and I shall get an Heiress.

Sir Char

Here take it, and leave lying:.

Spend

I’ll be with you again at Dinner.

Sir Char

I don’t question it.

Exit Spendal

Sir Fran

Searchwell, has there been no Letters for me, this Morning?

Searchw

No, Sir.

Sir Fran

Stay you at home, and if there come one, find me out with
it.

Searchw

I will Sir.

Sir Fran

Come Sir Charles, shall we to the Chocolate-house, there you shall
here Mr. Beaumont’s Story.

Sir Char

With all my heart; hark you Sir Francis, I have an Entertainment
of excellent Musick promised me this afternoon, you know I cannot have it at home, so I have borrowed some Apartments of obliging Mrs.
Bantum, the Indian Woman, and will try to prevail with the Ladies to come.

Sir Fran

Dear Sir Charles Introduce me.

Sir Char

You’l think your hours thrown away in the Company of civil
Women.

B 2 Sir B2v 4

Sir Fran

Faith I scarce dare trust your Neices eyes, they gain too much upon
my heart. I am always forc’d, after I have seen her, to have recourse to
the Glass, to secure my self from Romantick Constancy.

Beau

Now you talk of Romances, Introth I think I’m a perfect Knight Errant,
for besides my own Lady, I’m in quest of another fair Fugitive, by the
desire of her Father: Have you not heard of the Death of my Lord Belmour’s
Heir, and absence of his only Daughter Mariamne?

Sir Fran

Yes, yes.

Beau

The old Lord has given me her Picture, with an earnest Petition,
that I wou’d endeavour to find her; he prest me so, I cou’d not refuse it,
though I have small probability of my side.

Sir Fran

She’s now a prodigious Heiress, what cou’d be the meaning of running
from all her Friends.

Beau

Too Studious for her Sex, and fell upon the Seducers of the Women,
Plays, and Romances, from thence she form’d her self a Hero, a Cavilier,
that could Love and talk like them; whilst her Father without consulting
her, provided a Husband, Rich, but wanting all Scudries Accomplishments,
this Man she call’d Monster, and finding the Marriage unavoidable,
took her Jewels and what Money was in her Power, and in the Stage-Coach
fled to this Populous Wilderness, if that can be proper, for here we are in
Crowds conceal’d, as well as in a Desart.

Sir Fran

’Twas strange.

Sir Char

I pity her, for I hate an Innocent inclination crost.

Enter Servant.

Serv

Sir, your Coach is ready.

Sir Fran

Allons Gentlemen.

Exeunt. Scene Bellinda’s Apartment, appears with a Book.

Bell

In vain I fly to Books, the tuneful Numbers give me not a moments
ease: In vain I’ve strove to walk in Virtues high, unerring paths; blind,
rash inconsiderate Love, has pusht me from the blissfull state, and fixt me Enter Mrs. Beauc.
strugling ’midst ten thousand dangers: Here sweet Bard,
thou suites me well;Opening the Book. My anxious hours roul heavily away,Depriv’d of Sleep by Night or Peace by Day.

Mrs. Beau

Poor disconsolate Damosel, come leave this soft melancholly Poetry,
it nurses your Disease.

Bell

You, indeed, like a bright Ray of comfort, shoot through my endless
night; where’s my dear destruction?

Mrs. Beau

Mr. Spendall said he would be here at noon.

Bell

He’s ever here, I feel him busie at my Heart, and when the wisht minute
of his approach comes on, every Artery catches the Convulsive Joy.
Dost not thou think me mad?

Mrs. Beau

A little crais’d or so, my dear.

Bell

Bedlam, o’re this, had been my proper mansion if your seet Company
had not composed my jarring thoughts, and given the warring Torments
Intervals of rest.

Mrs. Beau

I muust confess, tho I am wild to the very verge that Innocence allows, B3r 5
allows, yet when my Uncle, that dear good man, told me, if ’er I meant to oblige
him I must be a Companion, Friend, and Lover of his Mistress. The proposition
startled me, but then I did not think there had been such a Mistress as
my Bellinda, nor Platonick Love in real practice.

Bell

True, my dear Friend, our Love is to the Modern Age, unpractic’d
and unknown; yet so strict and so severe, are rigid Honour’s Laws, that tho’
not grosly, yet we still offend: had not Fate fixt a bar unpassable between us,
how shou’d I have blest the accident that brought us first acquainted.

Mrs. Beau

You never told me the Story.

Bell

In short, ’twas thus; coming from the Play, mask’d with a Young Lady,
a fluttering Fellow seized me, and spight of y intreaties grew rudely
troublesome; I was never used to such Behaviour, and it throughly frighted
me; Sir Charles being near, saw my unfeigned concern, and generously made
the brute desist, then led me safely to a Coach, observing where I bid the
Coachman drive, he came to wait upon me, my fair Friend agen was with me
and ’twas by her perswasions that I saw him: we found his conversation nicely
civil and full of Innocent delight, I blush’d, and fondly thought this man
my Amorous Stars in kindness destin’d for my happiness, but oh!――

Mrs. Beau

But Oh, he was married, and that spoiled all.

Bell

Therein I only can accuse him of deceit: He kept his marriage a fatal
Secret till I had lost the power to banish him.

Mrs. Beau

I prithee dear Bellinda where wer’t thou bred; I’m sure this
Lewd Town never gave you such nice notions of honour.

Bell

My Friendship bars you of nothing but enquiring who I am.

Mrs. Beau

’Tis true I beg your Pardon and am silent.

Bell

Only this I’ll tell you, Madam, and as a warning never resolve, although
you think it fully in your power, to keep your resolution. Mark it in
me, I that thought to have stood the fairest pattern of my Sex; and would
have blotted all the annals of guilty Love, yet now am lost fonder of my
Beauclair than of Family or Fame, yet know him married, and Divine and humane
Laws against me.

Mrs. Beau

For Humane Laws, I know not what to say, but sure Heaven
had no concern, ’twas a detested match. Ruling Friends and Curst Avarice
joyned this unthinking youth to the worst of Women: But no more of this
how d’ye like your new Lodgings? The House is very large, have you no
good Neighbours?

Bell

You know ’tis not my way to be acquainted; my impertinet maid sometimes
teases me with a relation of a Merchant and pretty Lady; who came
from the Indies and Lodge here.

Mrs. Beau

What are they, Mrs. Betty?

Bett

Nay, my Lady will ne’er hear me out; but I’m sure they are worth
any Bodies observation, he looks like a Surly, Old, Rich Cuff, and she like an
Intriguing Beautiful Jilt, as fine as a Queen covered with Jewels.

Bell

Ha’ done with your Description, I’m sick of ’em both.

Mrs. Beau

Lord, you are so peevish, pray give me leave to ask Mrs. Betty
little more Questions about ’em, what’s his name?

Bett

An odd one Madam, they call him Mr. Flywife.

Mrs. Beau

An odd one indeed, and contradicting his Actions when such a
fine Dame belongs to him.

Bell. B3v 6

Bell

Thou art a little Gossip to trouble thy head with other peoples Affairs;
I heard news of you, Madam, the other day, they say you are in Love,
for all your seeming indifference.

Mrs. Beau

Yes, introth I am a little that way inclined; but my Spark is indeed
too far from your Cassandra rules, his Mistresses are neither Angels nor
Godesses; truly SrSir Francis Wildlove is too mad even for me; tho’ the Devil’s
in’t, I can’t forbear thinking of the Rambler.

Bell

Your Vertue and Beauty may reclaim him.

Mrs. Beau

It may be so; but I doubt he don’t like Reforming Enter Sir
Charles.

so well as to try it. Ha, see who appears comely as rising day
amidst ten thousand eminently known Bellinda this Heroic is designed for you,
tho’ somewhat barren of Invention, I was forc’d to borrow it.

Bell

Chearful, and thy mind at ease, happy Girl.

Sir Charles

taking Bell’s hand

My Blessing.

Bell

My Fate, which I shou’d, but cannot curse.

Sir Char

Cousin I’m glad to find you here, you shall help perswade Bellinda
to go abroad; I have promised to bring you both to Mrs. Bantums, I have
provided a trifle of a Dinner, and Excellent Musick for digestion; there’s only
a Country Gentleman and Sir Francis, I know you love Sir Francis Neice.

Bell

You may be mistaken Sir; grant I did, wou’d you have me meet him?
dear Uncle, don’t make me so ridiculous.

Sir Char

I thought Neice you durst have trusted me with your Conduct, my
Friends are no Brainless Beaux, no Lady Libellers, that extend innocent Favours,
and bespatter the Reputations they cannot ruine.

Mrs. Beau

Then you think your Friend Sir Francis a very modest man.

Sir Char.

No, my Dear, but your mildest men, if they have sence, as I am
sure he has, know how to treat Women of Honour.

Mrs. Beau

Nay, I’m soon convinc’d, what say you, Madam?

Bell

I will go; for perhaps, Sir Charles, you think I’ve only invented Fears
of being known, but you’ll surely find, if any Accident discovers me, I shall
be seen by you no more.

Sir Char.

See thee no more! yes, I would see thee, tho’ barr’d by foreign
or domestick Foes; set on thy side Father or Husband, on mine Wife and
Children, I’d rush through all Nature’s Tyes to gaze on thee, to satisfie the
longings of my Soal, and please my fond desiring Eyes.

Bell

Chide him Beauclair, let him not talk thus.

Mrs. Beau

Before he came you were at it; what can I say to two mad Folks?

Enter Spendall.

Spend

Your Servant Ladies. Sir Charles, is it not Dinner-time? I am as
hungry as a ――

Mrs. Beau

Horse, I know the old expression; were I my Uncle, I’d as
soon build an Hospital for the lazy, as undertake to satisfie thy voracious Appetite.

Sir Char

How hast thou of late disoblig’d my Neice, that she is so severe
upon thee?

Spend

Only told her Ladiship a Truth she could not bear.

Mrs. Beau

A Truth from thee, I rather think I could not hear it.

Spend. B4r 7

Spend

I said, a she Wit was as great a Wonder as a Blazing-star, and as
certainly foretold the World’s turning upside down; yet ’spight of that the
Lady will write.

Mrs. Beau

Brute! what did I ever write, unless it was thy Character, and
that was so adroit, you had like to hang’d your self?

Sir Char

For my sake, Cousin, forbear.

Mrs. Beau

Let him take pett and not come to Dinner to day, if he thinks
fit, ’tis not I that care.

Spend

No, I will come.

Mrs. Beau

That I would have sworn.

Spend

To give occasion, that you may draw this shining weapon Wit; it
will dazzle the Assembly; if it pierces only me, no matter.

Mrs. Beau

Stuff, pshaw, will you come, Madam, and put on your things?

Exeunt Ladies.

Sir Char

Dear Spendall, I must beg of you to step to our House, I made my
Wife a kind of Promise to dine with her to day.

Spend

What shall I say?

Sir Char

Say I am gone o Court, she loves the Thoughts of being great,
tho’ most unfit for’t.

Spend

But you know you promis’d to carry her Daughter Miss Peggy with
you next time you went thither.

Sir Char

True; say I’m gone to the Tower: I’m call’d, Bellinda within, Bellinda[Speaker label not present in original source]Are you ready?
say any thing the Devil puts into your Head.

Exeunt Sir Charles.

Spend

Yes, I shall say what the Devil puts into my Head, but not what you
expect: Am I not then ungrateful? Has he not for several months fed,
cloath’d and supported me? But what for, to be a meer Letter-carrier, an
honourable Pimp for Platonick Love? He shall find I can employ my Parts
better; he trusts me for his pleasure, and I’ll betray him for mine.

Enter Lady Lyewell.

Ha, Lyewell! why come you hither?

Lyew

Phough, I saw Sir Charles and the Ladies go out: besides, I want
Mony; I did not serve you so, when I was in my Lord Worthy’s Family.

Spend

Prithee don’t be so surly, here’s a Crown for thee, but I expect some
Service for’t: Is there ever a Strumpet in you Catalogue so well bred as to
write?

Lyew

All the Whores in Town can scrawl if that will do.

Spend

Let one of ’em send immediately a nameless Letter to my Lady
Beauclair, and inform her, That Sir Charles will be to day at Mrs. Bantums
with a Whore, between three and four, by that hour, lest she come too soon
and disturb our Dinner. Well, the Heiress is coming, I shall make thee
amends.

Lyew

Ay, when you marry Mrs. Beauclair.

Spend

Hang her; I hinted Love but once, and she has abus’d me ever since.
I have no luck with the Wits, now I have better Chase in view, a wealthy
Fool, a Fool the Perquisite of a Sharper. Come with me, and I’ll instruct you
further.

Exeunt. Enter. B4v 8 Enter Mrs. Flywife and Jenny.

Mrs. Flyw

O how happy am I, to breath again my native London Air!
I vow the Smoak of this dear Twon delights me more than all the Indian
Groves: happy too in meeting with one like thee; thou understand’st Intrigues,
art cunning, subtile, as all our Sex ought to be, who deal with those
deluders Men.

Jenn

Then your Ladiship lik’d not the Indies.

Mrs. Flyw

How was’t possibble I shou’d? Our Beaux was the Refuse of
Newgate, and our Merchants the Offspring of foolish plodding Cits.

Jenn

Why went you, Madam?

Mrs. Flyw

So great is my Opinion of your Faith, I dare trust you with
all my past life: My Friends bred me at a Boarding-school, and dy’d when I
was but fourteen, leaving me nothing for my Portion but Pride and a few
tawdry Clothes; I was a forward Girl, and bartering what I had not the
Wit to prize, a never to be recover’d Fame was soon maintain’d in Finery,
Idleness, and darling Pleasure, but the deceitful Town grew weary of me
sooner than I expected, and I sick of that, seeing other new Faces preferr’d
before me; so picking up some Moneys, and a handsome Garb, I ventur’d
to Jamaica.

Jenn

Madam, I hear my Master unlock his Study.

Mrs. Flyw

Oh Heavens! and this foolish Story put Sir Francis Wildlove’s
Letter quite out of my Mind. Have you writ as I directed?

Jenn

Yes, Madam.

Mrs. Flyw

Give me the Letter and be gone, I would not have him think
us great.

Exit Jenny. Enter Mr. Flywife. As Mrs. Flywife goes to put up the Letter hastily, drops it.

Come Fubby, will you go into the Dining-room the Chocolate is ready.

Mr. Flyw

And you, methinks, are ready too, Madam; beyond Sea ’twas
a courted Favour, dress’d seldom, and careless; but since arriv’d at this
damn’d Town, no cost, nor pains is spar’d; Curse upon my doating Folly,
that listen’d to your Prayers, and spight of my Oath and strong Aversion,
brought you back to the high road of Hell.

Mrs. Flyw

Is then my try’d Constancy suspected? Did I for this deny
the richest Planters of the place, who courted me in an honest lawful way,
and would have parted with their Wealth, dearer than their Souls, to have
calld me Wife, whilst I, slighting all their Offers, gave up my unsullied
Bloom to you, only on your protested Love leaving Jamaica, fled with you
to a remoter World, because you said your Circumstance was such, that if
you liv’d with me, your English Friends must believe you dead.

Mr. Flyw

Well, and what was my Return to all this boasted Kindness?
You may remember, Madam, your Cargo was sunk so low, ’twould scarce
afford at the next Ships approach another London Topping; when I without
a hated Lock for Life pour’d on ye more Riches than all your Husband-pretenders
joyn’d together could aim at, gave you such a separate Fortune, that
indeed I was forc’d to obey your Desires in coming into England, lest you
should do’t without my Leave.

Mrs. C1r 9

Mrs. Flyw

Well, well, thou art a good Boy, prithee no more wrangling
Fubby; I vow and swear to morrow I’ll be as great a Slattern as ever was, if
that will please you, so I will.

Mr. Flyw

Ay, and want to go out to day, for all the gazing Fops to admire,
tho’ I have told you, I can’t appear till I have enquir’d into my affairs,
then to morrow, if you stay at home with me, Sackcloth will serve turn.

Mrs. Flyw

Lord, you are so froppish, if I was your Wife, sure Fubby, you
would not be so jealous.

Mr. Flyw

My Wife quotha! no, no, I was once bewitch’d, but I found
such a Plague, that ―― No more Wives, I say.

Mrs. Flyw

Well, I’ll be any thing to please Fubby; Will you go in? Our
Breakfast will be cold.

Exit Mrs. Flyw.

Mr. Flyw

takes up the Letter

I’ll follow you.

Ha! what’s here? a Sonnet, I’ll warrant; her gaping abroad has brought
this: A Letter of her own, only the Hand is scrawl’d to disguise it. reads “If I were convinc’d your Passion was real, perhaps you might have no cause to complain:”
(fine advancing Devil) “be constant and discreet, you’ll find none of our Sex ungrateful.”
By thy burning Lust that’s a damn’d Lye, for thou art thy self a most
ungrateful Jilt: I’ll catch her now, e’re the Devil can be at her Elbow to invent
a Lye, and if one wheedling Tongue does not destroy all my Senses, she
shall feel my Rage.

Enter Servant.

Serv

Sir, the Captain comes to bring you News your Ship is safe in the
River.

Mr. Flyw

Be damn’d, there let it sink.

Serv

Shall I tell him so, Sir?

Exit Serv.

Mr. Flyw

Jackanapes, I’ll come to him. Is it impossible in Nature to be
happy with or without a Woman? If they are virtuous they are peevish, ill-
natur’d, proud and coy; If fair and complaisant, they please as well:For then, by Heav’n, they are as false as Hell.

The end of the First Act.

Act II.

Enter Mrs. Flywife and Jenny.

Mrs. Flyw

Ha, ha, ha! I can’t forbear laughing at your great concern.

Jenn

O madam, if you did but see what a passion my
master was in, you would not be so merry; he was like to beat the Sea Captain,
tho’ he brought him the good news of his Ships arrival.

C Mrs. C1v 10

Mrs. Flyw

Pho, mind what I say, and fear not; I warrant you shall have
the Letter again, and liberty to find Sir Francis Wildlove with it.

Jenn

Madam, he comes.

Mrs. Flyw

Well, well, be sure you do it handsomly.Sings. Never, never let her be your Wife.
That was loud that he might think me merry; speak hussy.

Enter Flywife.

Jenn

crying

Pray, madam, search again; I have been a month of writing
on’t, and took it out of a Book too; the man has sent me forty, before I could
make shift to answer one till now: Oh! oh!

Mrs. Flyw

Prithee don’t tease me, I dropt it, ’tis gone, I’ll write another
for you, since you say the man is for a Husband, and can so well maintain
you; be quiet.

Mr. Flyw

What’s this? faith not improbable, ’tis not my Damosels hand
now I have consider’d on’t again. Aside.

Jenn

I had rather have lost my best Petticoat by half.

Mrs. Flyw

Cease your noise, or leave the Room.

Mr. Flyw

What’s the matter? having no occasion for a Quarrel, will be
Money in my Pocket, I am sure. Aside.

Mrs. Flyw

Why Fubby, this foolish Wench, it seems, has a Country Lover,
and beg’d of me to direct a Letter to him, which in troth I have lost,
so she howls, that’s all, Fubby.

Mr. Flyw

And I have found it: Come Jenny, to make amends for your Sorrow,
I’ll write the Superscription; Whither is it to go?

Jenn

aside to her Mistris

Madam, Madam.

Mrs. Flyw

O, I think I remember; — to Jeoffrey Scatterlove, at the Bull-
Inn
in Cambridge: so seal it and carry it, for these silly Girls never think it
safe, unless they give it into the Post-house themselves, but make haste.

Jen

Have I got thee again, my dear sweet Letter? kissing it.

Mrs. Flyw

A Very raw foolish Girl this, my Dear.

Mr. Flyw

Faith Puggy, there had like to have bin a Quarrel; I was almost
afraid that Letter was a piece of Gallantry of yours.

Mrs. Flyw

Ay, ay, you are alwaies suspecting me, when Heaven knows I am
such a poor constant Fool, I never so much as dream of any man but my own
dear Fubby: Fubby, let I go.

Mr. Flyw

No, no, I’ll run away, I won’t hear you, I won’t hear you. Exit.

Mrs. Flyw

Then I’ll follow, and I am sure prevail. Oh, had my Sex but
half my Cunning, the deceivers would find themselves deceiv’d; from my
Gallants I never found, but gave ’em killing Charms. Fools! when we love, our Liberties we lose;But when belov’d, with ease we pick and chuse.

Exit. Enter Lady Beauclair and Cheatall.

La. Beauc

Brother, I say you’re a Fool.

Cheat

Fool in your Face. ―― I’m no more a fool than your self. ――
What would you have a man do? ―― Must I ravish her? Don’t I know Accessories
have bin hang’d! and here you’d have me Principal! what, I understandstand C2r 11
Law, ―― I won’t hang for your pleasure.

La. Beauc

Yes, you understand Law ――
D’ye understand parting with a good Estate, which you must do if you han’t
this Arabella? Don’t tell me of Ne— Ne— Necessaries, I say you shall marry
her.

Cheat

Ay, but the Craft will be in catching, as the Saying is: why, I went
but e’en now to take her by the Lilly-white Hand, as the Poet has it, and she
threw a whole dish of scalding-hot Tea full in my face, Dish and all Couusin
Peggy saw her; she call’d her all the names in Christendom; she’ll tell ye the
same.

La. Beauc

Ah poor Peggy! ay, she don’t love to see you abus’d; ――
were that Minks like Peggy, you were but too happy. Well ―― when will
you give Peggy that Diamond Necklace? The Sparks are almost mad for
her, ―― she has the Lord knows how many Sweethearts; there’s Squire
— what d’ye call him?

Cheat

aside

So, now she’s got upon her Daughter’s Sweethearts — she’ll
ne’ever ha’ done.

La. Beauc

There’s Sir John Empty, and Mr. Flutter, and Capt. Noisy, say the
finest things to her, but the Wench is so coy, and my Rogue of a Husband
will let none of ’em come home to her, but calls ’em Fops, and Boars, and
the Lord knows what.

Cheat

O Lord, Boars! Beaux you mean. ―― O Lord, Boars!

La. Beauc

Well, she has of all sorts, ―― and if there be twenty Women
in company, all the rout is made about her; and the Girl doth so blush
――I vow and swear it makes her look woundy handsom.

Cheat

Ay, you call’d me fool, but I’ll be hang’d if ye dan’t make a fool of
her, mark the end on’t; marry her to some honest Tradesman, that’s fittest
for her.

La. Beauc

Pray don’t you trouble your musty Pate about her: No,
she scorns a Citizen, she would not have my Lord Mayor’s Son; she’s a Girl
of discretion: I was married young too and I look’d after all my first Husband’s
Affairs.

Cheat

aside

True, 2-3 charactersflawed-reproduction he went the Lord knows whither to be quiet.

La. Beauc

Indeed this young fellow is not worthy the Name of a Husband;
I have a good mind to let the World know what a deceitful piece ’tis.

Enter Mrs. Peggy, eating Plumb-cake.

Peg

Mother! mother!

La. Beauc

What’s the matter Child?

Peg

Here’s Mrs. Arabella does nothing but jeer and abuse me; she says eating
between meals will spoil my Shape, and I snatch’d a Book out of her hand,
and she said a Primmer was fitter for me.

La. Beauc

I’ll never endure this, how dare she affront my Daughter?

Cheat

So, I’m like to have a fine life, nothing but scolding and noise, for
my part, I’d rather not marry at all: if she is thus randy beforehand what
will she be afterwards? In a short time I shall be made Ballads on, and my
Picture set before ’em just like the Summons to Horn-fair.

C2 La. C2v 12

La. Beauc

Yes, yes, you shall marry her; and we’ll tame her too, I’ll warrant
you.

Peg

Here she comes, here she comes, as mad as a Turky-cock.

Enter Mrs. Arabella.

Arab

Why am I us’d thus? Your Servants are forbid to call me either
Coach or Chair; Are you my Jaylor? You, Oaf, I speak to.

Cheat

Mistress, ’twould be better for you if you had other words in your
mouth, I’ll tell you that.

Peg

You shan’t gallop your ――

La. Beauc

Hold Peggy, let me speak. ――What’s the reason, Mrs. Arabella,
you take this Privilege here? ――You know your Fortune is at our
dispose, so shall your Person be else you must expect nothing.

Arab

Had I but heard your Characters, I’d sooner have been expos’d a
Beggar in this inhospitable World, than e’er set my Feet within your
Doors.

La. Beauc

I’d have you to know our Corecters are honest Corecters; I
wish yours prove so.

Cheat

Don’t provoke me, I say, don’t.

Arab

Why? you won’t beat me, ―― I hear there is a sensible Man
amongst ye, I’ll appeal to him, if you’d let me see him.

La. Beauc

That’s my Husband you mean; ―― No, you shan’t see him,
nor such as you are, if I can help it.

Peg

What I would you see my Vather-in-law, to tell Lies and Stories to
him? No, no, don’t mistake your self.

Arab

Away, you smell of Aqua Mirabilis.

La. Beauc

Oh Impudence! She smell of strong Waters! She hates it. ――
Come hither Peggy, let me smell, thy Breath us’d to be as sweet as any
Cows.

Peg

aside

What shall I do? I’ve been at my Mother’s Bottle; I won’t
come to satisfie her nor you neither. What ails ye, — d’ye know?

Arab

No, don’t, Miss. ―― Well, since I must have neither Attendance
nor Conveniency, I’ll go a-foot.

is going.

Cheat

Hold ye, hold ye, you are not gone yet, as the Saying is.

Takes her by the Arm.

Arab

Was ever Usage like this?

La. Beauc

Your Usage has been but too good, let me tell you that; I’ll show
you such Usage as you deserve. HugUggun, ―― what a Devil is your
Name? I hate a Wench with a hard Name. Enter Eugenia.
Here, lock up Mrs. “Flippant” in the dark Room.

Peg

jumping about

Ay, lock her up, lock her up, I say.

Cheat

grinning in her Face

Yet, Mrs. Bella, be rul’d by me, ―― give
me one sweet look; and let me take a Hony Kiss, and you shan’t be lock’d
up; ―― No, you shan’t be lock’d up, ―― but go abroad with me, and
have your Bellyful of Cakes and Custards. — Shall I? ―― Shall I?

Arab

Thre’s the Kiss; and for a Look, I wish my Eyes were Basilisks.

Strikes him.
Peg. C3r 13

Peg

O Lord, Mother, how she swears!

Cheat

Oh my Chops, my Chops! lock her up; hang her, she’s a Fury.

La. Beauc

Abominable! come hither, hath she hurt ye?

Arab

Oh Eugenia! last night, when you heard my Story, you, in gentle
pity, wept; ―― Assist me now, or I’m lost.

Eugen

Have Patience, Madam, and believe me yours.

La. Beauc

aside to her Brother

I say, keep the Key your self, I don’t like
her greatness with the Maid.

Cheat

’Tis locking up, I fear ’tis against Law, Sister.

La. Beauc

Pho, I fear nothing; — Are not you a Squire, and rich? —
you’re above the Leaw.

Cheat

Ay; but Knights ha’ been hang’d, — I dread hanging — I tremble
alwaies when I think on’t.

La. Beauc

Hang’d ! there’s no danger of being hang’d; what, — ha’ ye
no Courage?

Cheat

Yes, I have Courage, and that she shall find; my Injuries, as I have
read it, steel my Eyes. Mrs. Arabella, ―― I could swear the Peace against
you, and have you before a Justice; ―― but I will spare you the Shame, and
punish you my self: ―― Come along.

Arab

Resistance is in vain, ―― but I will be reveng’d, or kill my
self.

Cheat

Ay, ay, kill your self, and then I shall have your Estate, without being
troubl’d with your Person. ―― I’ll humble you.

Arab

And Heaven punish thee.

Cheat

“Don’t trouble your musty Pate” about Heaven, (as my Sister says)
but come along.

Peg

Away with her, away with her.

Arab

I take Heaven and Earth to witness, I believe you design to murder
me.

Cheat

There’s no such Design; besides your Witnesses are not valid, ――
I never heard their Evidence go in any Tryal in all my life.

La. Beauc

No, it is not to murder ye, but make ye better: No more
words, but let it be done.

Exeunt, manent La. Beauc. and Peggy.

Peg

I’m glad she’s to be lock’d up, ―― for had any Gentleman come to
see me, she’s so pert, her Tongue would ha’ bin running.

Enter Cheatall with a Key, and Gentil and Eugenia.

Cheat

Here I have her double lock’d, i’faith neither Window nor Mouse-
hole in the Room: Gentil, — fetch my Cloak, — I’ll to my Lawyer Mr. Cobblecase,
for my Mind misgives me plaguily.

Gent

Shall I wait on you, Sir?

Cheat

No, no, stay at home, and if any one asks for Mrs. Arabella, say,
She does not lodge here.

Gent

Yes.

Cheat

B’w’y Sister.

La. Beauc

Your Journey is needless, but you may go if you will; and,
d’ye hear, ask Mr. Cobblecase to come and dine here, he’s a Batchelor. — You
should alwaies be thinking of Peggy.

Cheat. C3v 14

Cheat

Well, well.

Exit.

Peg

O Mother, yonder’s Mr. Spendall a coming, ―― he’s grown very fine
of late.

La. Beauc

Ay, if he would leave your Vather’s Company, and make out
what he says about his intail’d Estate, the man is not to be despis’d.

Enter Spendall.

Spend

My Lady Beauclair, your most humble. Dear pretty Creature, yours.

Kisses her.

La. Beauc

Lord, Mr. Spendall, what d’ye do? — well, I wonder Peg endures
it. ―― I’ll vow and swear, Mr. Spendall, Knights presume no farther
than to kiss the tip of my Daughters little Finger, and you make nothing of
her Lips.

Spend

How! make nothing of ’em! pardon me, Madam, I put ’em to the
use Nature design’d: — They are as sweet as — and as soft as — Gad, I must
taste ’em again to raise my Fancy.

Peg

Be quiet, let me alone, Mr. Spendall.

Spend

singing

Oh, give your sweet Temptations o’er, I’ll taste those dangers Lips no more.

La. Beauc

You’re a strangeman, — but come — sing us a Song of your
own ―― Husband says you can make Varses.

Peg

But let it be as like that as you can, for methinks that is very pretty.

Spend

aside

Does the Fool think I shall make it ex tempore? ―― however,
I have one pretty near it, as it happens. I’ll rather expose my self, than not
endeavour to divert you, Madam.

Sings, whilst the Mother and Daughter imitate his Gestures.

A Song by Mr. ――, At dead of Night, when wrap’d in Sleep The Peaceful Cottage lay, Pastora left her folded Sheep, Her Garland, Crook, and needless Scrip, Love led the Nymph astray. Loose and Undrest she takes he flight To a near Myrtle-shade: The conscious Moon gave splendid light, To Bless the Ravisht Lover’s sight, And gain the Loving Maid. His eager Arms the Nymph Embrace, And, to asswage the Pain, His restless Passion he obeys: At such an hour, in such a place, What Lover cou’d contain? In C4r 15 In vain she call’d the conscious Moon, The Moon no succour gave; The cruel Stars, unmov’d, look’d on, And seem’d to wink at what was done, Nor wou’d her humour save. Vanquish’d at last by powerful Love, The Nymph expiring lay; No more she sigh’d, no more she strove, Since nokind Stars were found above, She blush’d, and dy’d away. Yet Blest the Grove, her happy Flight, And Youth that did betray And panting, dying with Delight, She Blest the kind transporting Night, And Curst approaching Day.

La. Beauc

Thank ye, ’tis very fine, I’ll vow and swear.

Peg

So ’tis indeed Mother.

La. Beauc

Now, to leave fooling, where’s my Husband?

Spend

I know not, I han’t seen him these two days. ―― Here my Father
writes to me, if I will take up, (that’s the old man’s Expression) and find a
virtuous Woman with a Fortune, he will give me Three thousand pounds down,
and settle Eight hundred a year, ―― and, faith, I am trying to obey the
rich Cuff, and wean my self from my old Friends and the dear Bottle.

La. Beauc

Ay, you do very well, Mr. Spendall; I should be overjoy’d to
see you take up, and perhaps a Fortune may be found: — I’ll say no more —
but a thorow Reformation will produce strange-matters, matters I little
thought of; ―― but I’ll say no more.

Spend

Your Ladiship must not say a word of this to Sir Charles, for then
he’ll forbid me the sight of this dear Creature, whose Charms alone have power
to work the mention’d Reformation.

La. Beauc

No, no, fear not that, I han’t so many Friends, to go the ready
way to lose ’em.

Peg

For my part, I don’t love Vather so well, to tell him any thing
of us.

Enter a Boy with a Letter.

Boy

Madam, here’s a Penny-post Letter to your Ladiship.

La. Beauc

To me!

Peg

I warrant ’tis to me, from some Spark.

La. Beauc

Stand away Hussy, ’tis durracted to my ―― my Lady Beauclair,
―― What’s this stammering at it Mrs. Banter’s the Indian
House? ―― Read it, Mr. Spendall, some mischief, I believe.

Spend. reads

Spendall [Speaker label not present in original source]

“Tho’ unknown, I cannot forbear, in Justice to your Ladiships Merit, informing“forming C4v 16
you, that Sir Charles, at four a clock, will be with a Mistress, at
Mrs. Bantam’s; use your Discretion, but assure your self it is a Truth.”

La. Beauc

O the Villain, the Rogue! the confounded Whore! I’ll tear his
and her Eyes out; always at home he’s sick, his Head aches, and he must
lye alone: Ah, Mr. Spendall, if I should tell you the naked Truth, you’d say,
he was a Villain too; I’ve often told him his own with Tears, and the brazen-
fac’d Villain has forswore it. My Husband with a Whore! I have no Patience;
I’ll go there immediately, and stay till he comes.

Peg

Ay, do mother, and I’ll go with you, and help to pull their Eyes
out.

Spend

Are you both mad? Why all there love Sir Charles to that degree
they’d watch and turn him back, ―― you’d never conceal your Passion, ――
your only way is to come after the hour, and they you’ll certainly surprize
’em.

La. Beauc

That’s true; well, good Mr. Spendall stay and comfort me, —
I fear I shall have my Fits, and then no two men can hold me.

Spend

I would with all my Heart, and esteem my self happy to serve you,
but my Father has sent me twenty Guineas for a Token, and if I don’t go this
minute, the man will be gone out of Town, and carry ’em back with him.

La. Beauc

Nay, that is not to be neglected. ―― Come Child, we’l go
to my Cousin Prattle’s, and tell her this News: my Husband with a Whore!
―― I cannot bear it.

Spend

I must seize a Kiss, else I shall faint before I see you agen.

Peg

Pish, pish, I think the man’s distracted.

La. Beauc

Is this a time. ―― and my Husband with a Whore! I wish my
Nails were twice as long for her sake. ―― Ah Child, thy Vather was anotherguess
man than this, tho’ he had Faults too. Come away: Your Servant
Mr. Spendall.

Peg

Your Servant Sir.

La. Beauc

My Husband with a Whore!

Exeunt La. Beauclair and Peggy.

Spend

Ladies, your most obedient Slave. ―― Thus far Affairs go on as I could wish. Now if my Lady does but abuse Bellinda, till it come to parting
between Sir Charles and she, then my Miss being out of his Tuition, I fear not
her falling into mine: ―― She’s damn’d silly, I am forc’d to let all Courtship
lye in Kissing, for she understands a Complement no more than Algebra.
―― Well ―― her Wealth makes it up. ―― Now for Dinner.

Exit. Scene Changes to St. James Park. Enter Sir Charles Beauclair, Bellinda and Mrs. Beauclair.

Mrs. Beau

This Walk i’ th’ Park has done me good.

Bell

’T was very refreshing.

Mrs. B

Is not this better now dear Bellinda, than reading and sighing away
every beauteous Morning.

Bell

Yes, if at each gazer the conscious Blushes wou’d forbear to rise, if
I cou’d look upon this object of my Love and Vertue, not shrink back, it
were true happiness.

Sir D1r 17

Sir Char

My lovely Charmer, let me call this day mine, and oblige you
to be chearful.

Mrs. B

I warrant ye, by and by we’ll be as merry as the ―― you know
the title that sticks ahand, Uncle, — ha, yonder’s Sir Francis Wildlove, for Heaven’s
sake step behind the Trees, whilst I clap on my Mask, and prole towards
Rosamonds Pond, and he, no doubt, pursues.

Bell

You will not sure.

Mrs. B

Indeed, my dear Gravity, I will; that is, with your leave, Sir.

Sir Char

Well thou art a mad Girl, but I dare trust thee, come this way,
Madam.

Exit. Mrs. B crosses the Stage, Sir Fran. Wildlove following
at a distance.

Sir Fran

What’s there, a Woman well Shap’d, well Drest, Mask’d and
alone! how many Temptations has the Devil tack’d together for a poor frail
Mortal, that scarce needed half a one! the Handkercheif dropt, a fair invitation,
a duce take her agility, she has been too nimble for me, however I’ll
venture, — Madam, by your remaining, when the whole Army of Beauties are
retir’d, I should guess you Picceer for a particular prize.

Mrs. B

Then I suppose you have vanity enough to think your well-rigg’d
Pinnace worth securing.

Sir Fran

Faith, Child, I hopeyou wou’d not find the fraight disagreeable.

Mrs. B

Now I cou’d not have thought such a hopeful proper Gentleman,
wou’d have been stragling in the Park this Hour; what, no Lady of Quality,
nor Miss that appears like one to lead out to day, no Assignation? or is the
plague upon your fine Cloths, Credit out, and Pocket empty?

Sir CharFran

Shall I tell you the truth.

Mrs. B

Yes, if you can find in your heart.

Sir Fran

Why then, Faith, I have an Appointment, and that with Ladys,
nay, and Musik; yet if you’ll be kind, my dear Chicken, they shall wait for
me in vain. By Heav’n, a charming side face.

Coming nearer her.

Mrs. B

Stand off, or I vanish, but tell me what makes you so indifferent to
your first engagement? the Women are Old I suppose.

Sir Fran

Alas, very Buds, my Dear.

Mrs. B

Ugly then.

Sir Fran

Beautiful as Angels.

Mrs. B

What can be the matter?

Sir Fran

Don’t you guess? why they are Vertuous. I have a Misstress there,
confound me if I am not damnably in Love with her, and yet cou’d never get
my self in a vein serious enough to say one dull, foolish, modest thing to her.

Mrs. B

Poor Gentleman, suppose you practis’d before you went, and
fancy’d me the Lady.

Sir Fran

A Match.

Mrs. B

With Arms across.

Sir Fran

And the looks of an Ass, I begin, ah Madam! — how was that
sigh?

Mrs. B

Pretty well.

Sir Fran

Behold the humblest of your Slaves: see the Martyr of your D Frowns; D1v 18
Frowns; those Arms must heal the Wounds your Eyes have made, or else I
dye; they must, they must.

Rushing upon her.

Mrs. B

Hold, hold! — Sir Charles, Sir Charles, here I shall be ravish’d in the
open Park.

Unmasking.

Sir Fran

O Heavens! Mrs. Beauclair!

Enter Sir Charles and Bellinda.

Sir Char

Why how now Frank, in Raptures before the face of the World
and the Sun!

Sir Fran

Pshaw, I do confess I am caught.

Bell

If you had come to any harm, Madam, you might have thank’d your
self.

Mrs. B

aside No great harm neither, to have a hearty Hug from the man
one loves.

Sir Fran

Madam, I humbly ask your Pardon.

Mrs. B

It is easily granted, ’twas a Frolick of my own beginning.

Sir Fran

This Generosity wholly subdues my wandering Heart.

Mrs. B

Have a care of getting into the dull, foolish, modest Road, Sir
Francis.

Sir Fran

No more of that, dear madam.

Sir Cha

Come, I believe Dinner stays; where’s your Friend Mr. Beaumont?

Sir Fran

He’l be there before us.

Sir Cha

Let’s to our Chairs, I dare say the Ladies are tir’d.

Bell

Truly I am.

Enter Jenny, and pulls Sir Francis by the Sleeve; he steps aside with her.

Jen

Sir, the Lady that came lately from the Indies, whom you have seen
at the Play, sends you this; the odness of the Superscription she’l explain to
you.

Sir Fran

O the charming Angel! dear Girl, accept my Acknowledgment,
and step behind those Trees whilst I lead my Mother and my Aunt into their
Chairs, I’ll be with you in a moment.

Mrs. B

O the wretched Libertine! but to take notice on’t would shew too
much Concern.

Sir Cha

Sir Francis, where are you?

Sir Fra

Here, at your Elbow, Sir Charles: Madam, may I presume to lead
you to your Chair?

Mrs. B

Yes Sir, tho’ I believe, as your Affairs stand, you could ’bate the
Ceremony.

Sir Fran

The greatest Affairs in Christendom should not hinder me from
waiting on your Ladiship.

Exeunt. Enter Jenny.

Jen

No faith, they are not of the Shape of motherly and elderly Aunts:
I’ll not stay here, but watch where they go, and tell my Lady what a Rambler
she has chose.

Exit. Scene changes to a House. Enter Mrs. Flywife.

Mrs. Flyw

So with much coaksing I have got my jealous Fellow to let me go
out this afternoon, on the pretence of buying things, and seeing an old Aunt, if D2r 19
if this Wench wou’d come and tell me where the mad Spark will be, I’ll
venture to give him the meeting; have you found him?

Enter Jenny.

Jen

Yes, Madam, but I perceive he’s a sad wild man, he was engaged with
two Masks, and wou’d fain have slamm’d me off ’twas his Mother, but I saw
by their Meen and Dress they were young.

Mrs. Flyw

What said he to you?

Jen

Seem’d much pleased, but shie: Bid me stay, and promis’d to return
presently; I thought I should do your Ladyship more service in seeing where
they went, so I dogg’d e’m to Mrs. Bantam’s our Neighbour and hous’d ’em
all there.

Mrs. Flyw

Very good, and by and by, I’ll to Locket’s, and send for him,
I fancy I know the Gentleman s humours so well, that he’ll certainly forsake old
acquaintance for those of a newer date, tho’ he ventures changing for the
worse: he seem’d eager and pleas’d, fierce and fond, and swore my Charms
were unequall’d. His swearing indeed signifies but little, the Banquet o’re, Yet sure he’ll meet when Love and I invite,For Love’s his God, and leads him to delight.

The End of the Second Act.

Act III.

Enter Eugenia, follow’d by Gentil.

Gent

Whither so fast, Mrs. Eugenia?

Eug

Stop me not, I am upon an Act of Charity, trying to free
the Immur’d Lady; ―― I have been picking up all the Rusty Keys in the house,
in hopes to accomplish it.

Gent

Why you’ll loose your place.

Eug

Hang my place, ―― There’s not one in the Family understands a
Grain of Civility, except Sir Charles; and if he speaks to me my Lady pulls
my Head-cloaths off ―― Come I know you don’t love that Lubberly Coxcomb,
your Master flawed-reproduction E’en joyn with me, assist in Arabella’s Liberty, and
recover her Fortune, and I dare engage she’ll make ours. Besides, to tell
you the Truth, I have received ten Guineas to day, from one Mr. Beaumont,
to endeavour her freedom.

Gent

That’s a most prevailing Argument, I confess. What I do is for your
sake Mrs. Eugenia.

Eug

In hopes to go snacks with the Gold. Ha, Gentil! Well, well, stay
here I’ll return immediately. Exit, and Re-enter with Arabella.
’Tis done, ’tis done, is this a Bird to be concealed in such a dark and Dismal
Cage?

Arab

Well thou art a rare Girl. O if thou cou’dst but conjure now, and D2 get D2v 20
get the Writings of my Estate for me, five hundred Pound shou’d be thy own
next moment, Wench.

Gent

Say you so, Madam, Gad I’ll turn Devil but it shall be done.

Eug

Why what wou’d that signify to you Fool?

Gent

Well, mind the Ladies Business, and let me alone to take care of yours.

Eug

First let us take care of the ’Squire, Gad if I don’t manage that Booby,
I’ll give you leave to cut my Apron, and make a slobering Bib on’t.

Gent

Well, what’s your contrivance?

Eug

Why, I’ll go in again, pour down a Bottle of Red-Ink I know of,
make all fast, and swear he has murderedye. A Cross Old Woman
lately, to whom he wou’d give nothing, told him, she read it in his Phys,
That he wou’d come to be hang’d; which the superstitious Fool has ever
since been afraid of; very indifferent Circumstances will Confirm that Fear,
and bring him to a Complyance.

Arab

My better Angel! It has a Lucky face ―― It looks like thee ――
but how must I be disposed of?

Eug

If you pleasse to go to Mrs. Beauclairs, Sir Charles’s Neice, she’s a Woman
Cheerfull, Witty, and Good, and will assist you in every Thing.

Arab

I’ve heard so well of her; I dare venture to be obliged to her, come
let’s make haste,.

Eug

Gentil, get the back door open, and let none of the Servants see us
go out; I’m sure we shall be lucky, because my Termagant Lady won’t be at
home to day to disturb us.

Arab

Come then, I long to quit the House I have been so ill us’d in.

Ex. Scene changes to the India House. Enter Sir Francis Wildlove.

Sir Fran

A Duse of all ill luck, I have lost my little Ambassadress from
my dear Indian Queen, ’twas a Charmer: how can an old Curmudgeon have the
Impudence to hope she shou’d keep such a lovely Creature to himself? For a
Husband or Cully, I find by her discourse, she has, and by the Description,
she hates him, which is a good step for me.

Enter Searchwell.

Search

Sir, all the company is coming into this Room, to hear the musick.

Sir Fran

Gad so, are they? then I must wait upon Mrs. Beauclair down.
Sirrah, you are a purblind Dog, not to find the pretty Letter Carrier.

Search

I think I see a Woman as soon as another, else I’m sure I were not fit
for your Honour’s Service. I’ll swear she was not in the Park: I searcht it
three times over as carefully as I had been to look a Needle in a Bottle of Hay,
and hang’d if I did not find it.

Sir Fran

What a Comparison the Puppy has! D’ye hear, if you do not
find her out, I shall Discard you for an Insignificant Blockhead, for I am
Damnably and Desperately in Love with her Mistress.

Exit. Sir Fran.

Search

Ah Lard, Ah Lard, Desperately and Damnably in Love with her,
and never saw her but twice at a Play, and then she was in a Mask. Well my
Master wou’d be the best of men if ’twere not for these Whores: I am harassed D3r 21
harassed off my Legs after ’em; the Pox, the Plague, that belongs to ’em, consume
’em all I say.

Exit. Enter Sir Charles, Beauclair, Sir Francis Wildlove, Beaumont, Spendall, Bellinda
and Mrs. Beaumont.

Sir Char

Ladies, how d’ye like your small Regalio?

Mrs. Beau

Extreamly; for ought I know, Sir Charles, you may repent
shewing me the way to gad abroad.

Bell

What Opinion, Madam, do you think this Gentleman will have
of us, for I presume the young Ladies in the Country are not so free of their
Company?

Mrs. Beau

No, poor Gentlewomen ―― They are Condemned to the
Government of some Toothless Aunt of Grannum, visit but once a year,
and that in the Summer season, when the heat covers the Ruddy Lasses with
sweat and dust. The Winter they divert themselves with Blindman’s Buff among
the serving men; where, too often, one sprucer than the rest, whispers
Love to Miss Jenny, and seduces even the eldest Daughter.

Beaumont

Tho’ some have been guilty of those weaknesses, you must not
accuse all.

Mrs. Beau

All who are confin’d there, never suffer’d so see the World —
for granting one more thinking than the rest, who has power and obeys her
Father, in suffering the Addresses of the next adjacent ’Squire, she either dies
of a Consumption (Pining after pleasures more refin’d) or else o’recome
with Vapors, runs melancholly mad.

Beaumont

to Bell. Madam you sigh’d at this pretty Description.

Bell

Did I?

Beaumont

Both her deportment and face confirm my suspitions.

aside.

Sir Char

You are thoughtfull, Frank.

Mrs. Beau

Wou’d you have him brisker, Uncle? ’tis but my clapping on a
Mask, and ’tis done. Sir Francis, do I wrong you, have I not seen you at a Play
slighting all the bare-fac’d Beauties, hunting a Trollop in a Mask with pains
and pleasure; Nay, more for her gaping Nonsensical Banters, neglecting
immortal Dryden’s Eloquence, or Congreve’s unequalld Wit.

Sir Fran

I own sometimes I divert my self with the little Gypsies.

Mrs. Beau

Ay, and disturb the Audience.

Sir Fran

Faith, Madam, I must speak freely, tho’ you are a Woman of
Quality, and my Friend’s Neice, you talk so prettily, ’tis pity you shou’d not
do it often in a Mask: But then agen, you are so pretty, ’tis pity you shou’d
ever wear one.

Mrs. Beau

I did not design by railing to beg a Compliment; Sir Charles,
where’s the Musick?

A Song By Mrs. P――, Sung by Mr. Hodgson.

When I languish’d, and wish’d you wou’d something bestow,

You had me to give it a Name;

But, by Heaven, I know it as little as you,

Tho’ my Ignorance passes for Shame:

You D3v 22

You take for Devotion each passionate Glance,

And think the dull Fool is sincere,

But never believe that I speak in Romance

On purpose to tickle your Ear.

To please me then more, think still I am true,

And hug each Apocryphal Text:

Tho’ I practice a thousand false Doctrines on you,

I shall still have enough for the next.

A Dance.

A Dialogue, betwen two Platonic Lovers: The Words
by Mr. Motteaux, and set by Mr. Eccles.

He

How long must I the hours employ

To see, be lov’d, yet ne’er enjoy?

Tho’ to curb loose desires I try,

Sure I may wish at least to die?

Dye then, Poor Strephon, wretched Swain;

Nor only live to love in vain,.

She

Live, hopeless Lover, while I grieve

Much for thy Fate, but more for mine;

For mine, my Dear, Condemn’d to live,

To Love, be Lov’d yet ne’re be thine.

He

Oh, See me, Love me, Grieve me still,

Till Love’s excess, or Sorrow’s kill,

’Tis not my self I Love, but thee,

Then I must dye to set thee free.

She

No, Live and Love, tho’ hope is dead;

For ’tis a Virtue so to Love:

The Gold’s refin’d, the Dross is fled,

The Martyrs thus in Flames improve.

Both

Then let us Love on, and never Complain,

But Fan the kind Fire, and Bless the dear Pain.

For why to Despair shou’d true Lovers be driven?

Since Love has his Martyrs, he must have his Heaven.

Spend. D4r 23

Spend

My Lady Beauclair will be here strait, I’ll e’en march off.

is going.

Sir Cha

What, desert us, Jack! tho’ the Ladies won’t drink, you may.

Spend

I beg your Pardon, Sir Charles, — I have made an Assignation with
some Women of Quality of my Acquaintance.

Mrs. B

Women of Quality! what, your Landresses Daughter, or some
pert, fleering, tawdry Thing of a Shop, vain, and proud to lose what she understands
not, her Reputation; she also brags, she’s coming to Quality when
she meets you.

Spend

I shall not expose their Names, to convince your Ladiship of their
Rank.

Bell

O, by no means debar the Gentleman of his Quality.

Sir Fran

You see the Ladies are willing to dismiss you, Jack.

Spend

I’m their very humble servant.

Exit. Immediately after Enter Lady Beauclair, (pushing away a Servant Maid)
and Mrs. Peggy.

La. Beauc

Ye lye, ye damn’d Quean, he is here, ―― ha! ―― and his
Minion with him! ―― let me come at her ――

Leaps, and catches hold of her.

Sir Cha

Hell and Furies! my Wife! ―― Madam, why all this Rage?
Don’t you see my Neice? the other is a Friend of hers, a Woman of Honour.

La. Beauc

Your Neice is a Pimp, and she’s a Whore! I’ll mark her ――
Sirrah ―― Villain! Oh, oh my Fits! my Fits!

Falls in a Chair.

Sir Cha

Fly, my Bellinda, from her brutal Rage, whilst I Wedlocks slave stay
and appease this Hateful storm.

Bel

’Tis but what I ought to have expected; ’tis just I should be punish’d,
to prevent my being guilty.

Sir Fran

Dear Beaumont, carry this injur’d Lady off, whilst we bear the
brunt.

Mrs. B

Go to my Lodgings, Child.

Bel

Any where, to Death or Hell, if there can be a greater Hell than what
this Bosom feels.

Peg

O Lo, O Lo. I believe my Mother’s dead.

Sir Cha

You know the contrary; these Fits are a new Trick Nature has
furnish’d the Sex with. ―― Heretofore Tears and Smiles were the highest
part their Dissimulation could attain.

All this while Lady Beauclair has been faintly striving, as in a Fit,
and now shrieks out ――

Lady Beauclair[Speaker label not present in original source]

Oh! oh!

Mrs. B

Give her some Water.

Sir Cha

Give her some Wine, else you’l disoblige her more, to my Knowledge,
than the Fits.

Peg

aside

And well thought on, — I’ll steal behind and drink a Glass of
Wine, — my stomach’s a cold.

Goes to the Side-table, whilst they are about the
Chair and drinks two or three Glasses of Wine.

La. Beauc

starting up

No, Villain, Devil! I’ll drink none of your Wine,
―― it may be poison’d.

Sir D4v 24

Sir Cha

Oh, you had not lost all your Senses, you could hear, I find.

La. Beauc

Rogue, and I’ll make thee feel, I’ll tear thy Linnen, Hair, thy
cursed Eyes.

Sir Cha

Hold, Madam, as I’m a Gentleman, use me like one.

Mrs. B

Sir Francis, here’s an excellent Argument on your side, here’s Matrimony
in its true colours.

Sir Fra

No, Madam, her Carriage is not a Satyr on the whole Sex, — it
but sets off better Wives.

La. Beauc

Yes, you were a Gentleman, and that was all, when I married
ye, the poor third Brother of a Knight, ’twas I brought your Estate; if since
by your Friends death one has fell, must I be abus’d, sirrah?

Sir Cha

Madam, you have not been abus’d; you know that I was in my
Nonage married, saw not with my own Eyes, nor chose for my unhappy self;
e’re I liv’d with ye, I possess’d an Estate nobler, a larger far than yours, which
you have still commanded; nay, I have often urg’d ye to Diversions, in hopes
it would have alter’d that unquiet mind, but all in vain.

La. Beauc

Divartions! what Divartions? Yes, you had me to the Play-
house, and the first thing I saw was an ugly black Devil kill his Wife, for
nothing; then your Metridate King o’ the Potecaries, your Timon the Atheist,
the Man in the Moon, and all the rest ―― Nonsence, Stuff, I hate ’em.

Sir Cha

I need say no more, ―― Now, Madam, you have shown your
self.

La. Beauc

Shown, what have I shown? send for your Gilflurt to show:
I have shown nothing but a vartuous Face.

Mrs. B

All Virtue does not lie in Chastity, tho’ that’s a great one.

La. Beauc

Well Cousin, I’m sorry to see you take such Courses, I would not
have my Peg like you for the Varsal World. Peg, what a Colour this Child
has got! fretting for me, I’m afraid, has put her into a Fever.

Sir Fran

Come, Madam, let’s compose these Differences; your Anger is
groundless — upon my Word. Not well, pretty miss! will you drink a
Glass of Wine?

Mrs. Peggy hickups.

Peg

No, I thank you, ―― I cannot abide it.

La. Beauc

Poor Girl, she never drinks any thing strong, except she’s very
sick indeed.

Sir Cha

And she’s very often sick, poor Creature! — about some five or
six times a day. — Madam, shall I wait on you home? I think we may quit
this place with Shame enough.

Mrs. Peg

To her Mother, aside

Don’t be Friends, for Mr. Spendall sent me
word, he’d meet us in the Park, and if Vather goes with us, how shall
that be?

La. Beauc

I dan’t intend it; ―― No, Hypocrite, you shan’t stir a step
with me, if thou dost, I’ll make a bigger noise below, and raise the House
about thy Ears. Come Peg.

Exeunt La. Beauc. and Peggy.

Mrs. B

My Aunt’s Noise is her Guard, none dare approach her.

Sir Cha

Her going out can’t be more ridiculous than her coming in.

Mrs. B. E1r 25

Mrs. B

Sir Charles, “Let not your noble Courage be cast down.”

Sir Cha

Outragious Clamours are not News to me; but I dread how my
Bellinda may resent it.

Sir Fran

I wonder, Sir Charles, you have Patience to live with this violent
Woman.

Sir Cha

’Tis for my Fair one’s sake, who, nicely jealous the World would
say she had occasion’d our parting, has sworn never to see me more, if I attempt
it.

Enter Searchwell.

Searchw

aside to Sir Fran.

Sir, Sir, the Lady you are so damnably in love
with sends word, if you disengage your self from your Company, she’l be at
Locket’s in half an hour.

Mrs. B

Is it so, i faith?

Sir Fran

to him

Coxcomb, what need you ha’ spoke so loud? Tell him
I’ll not fail to wait on him. Well, Sir Charles, you’l to Bellinda.

Sir Cha

No, I’ll first go home, and try to stop the farther Fury of my
Wife.

Sir Fran

Madam, I had Hopes you would hav done me the Honour to let
me wait on you this Afternoon, but it has happen’d so unluckily, that an o’d
Uncle of mine, to whom I am much oblig’d, ――

Mrs. B

aside to him

Oh, I’m your Uncle’s Servant. Sir, there needs no
Excuse, your Company being at this time a Favour I neither expect nor
desire.

Sir Cha

Will you go in a Chair, Neice, or in my Coach?

Mrs. B

A Chair if you please, Sir.

Sir Fran

To that give us both leave to wait on you.

Mrs. B

Pray give me leave to speak a word to my Boy first. Will.

Boy

Madam.

Mrs. B

Run to my Woman, and bid her come to her Aunts immediately,
and bring me the Suit Sir Charles made for the last Ball, and left at my Lodgings:
make haste, fly.

Boy

I will, Madam.

Mrs. B

Hang it, ’tis but one ridiculous thing, I’m resolv’d to do it, I’ll
find these Pleasures out, that charm this Reprobate; Mony will make all the
Drawers mine.

Sir Cha

I’m ready to go.

Sir Fran

Madam, be pleas’d to accept my Hand.

Exeunt. Scene changes, Beauclair’s Lodgings. Enter Beaumont leading Bellinda.

Beaum

Now, Madam, you’re safe in the Lodgings of your Friend, forget the
Rudeness past.

Bell

Forget it! impossible; her Words, like Poisonous Shafts, have pierc’d
my Soul, and will for ever dwell upon my Memory with endless painful
Wracks; yet look not on me as that vile Creature she has represented, but
believe me, Sir, I engag’d my Heart too far, before I knew Sir Charles was
married. When I found my Love unjust, how exquisite the Torment prov’d, E chill’d E1v 26
chill’d with Watchings, Sighs, and Tears, yet ’spight of my Distractions,
spight of the rising Damps and falling Dews, ’twas grown too great to be
extinguish’d, ’till this last storm has torn it by the Roots to spring no
more.

Beaum

Her every word and looks confirms my Thoughts. Madam, this I
dare presume to say, both from his Character and my small Acquaintance, Sir
Charles Beauclair has moral Virtues, to our late English Hero’s unpractis’d and
unknown; yet if I might advise, you should never see him more, or only to
take an everlasting Leave.

Bel

Your Freedom, I confess, is strange, and your Advice is what I had resolv’d
on before.

Beaum

None but the lovely Mariamne could with such becoming Majesty
have check’d a Stranger’s boldness. View well these Lines, and then confess
if they do not the resemblance bear of a soft charming Face you have often by
reflexion seen.

Bel

Ha! my own Picture, one of the effects of my dear Mothers fondness,
which she, dying, left in my Father’s Hands; he nam’d me too; then let everlasting
darkness shroud me; let me no more behold the Sun or human kind,
forget the World, as I would be of that forgotten.

Beaum

Turn, Madam, and look upon me as your Friend; if you would
still remain unknown, my Breast shall keep this Discovery silent and safe as Secrets
buried with the dead: Your Father gave me that Picture, with Desires
so tender for your return, that, I confess, they mov’d me: I undertook the
enquiry, tho’ scarce could hope to have succeeded. Since your absence your
Brother’s dead; so that your Father, hopeless and childless, mourns, and says
your sight would revive him more than when he first bless’d Heaven for your
happy birth and Mothers safety.

Bel

My Brother dead! ―― lov’d Youth! I grieve thy untimely Fate, but
thou art gone to rest’ and Peace, whilst I am left upon the wrack: Sir, I read
in all your words a piercing Truth and an unbyass’d Honour, they have set
my Errors full before me, my fled Duty returns as swift as I will do to this
wrong’d Parent, hang on his aged Knees, nor rife till I have found Forgiveness
and my Blessing there.

Beaum

Tho’ much I wish your Honour and your Fame secure, yet to part
such Lovers, whom this lewd Age will scarce believe there ever were, grates
my very Nature.

Bel

Oh! let me not look back that way, but generously assist me on, till
that dear man, who, witness my Disgraces, I value more than all Earth’s richest
Treasures. Tell him, lest he should take it ill of you, that I have confess’d
my Birth, and have resolv’d to fly from him and all the World, and
in my Father’s House remain as in a Cloister.

Beaum

How will he brook the Message?

Bel

Oh! tell him, Sir, that the pangs of parting will scarce excel those
my strugling Virtue gave at every guilty meeting, for there was Guilt: tell
him I have sworn to die if he pursues. I blush to impose all this on you; but
if a Lover, sure you’ll forgive my Follies.

Beaum. E2r 27

Beaum

I’ll tell him all, but I must send him too, a parting Kiss, at least,
which must be allow’d to such unequal’d Love.

Bel

Not till all is fix’d for my remove, then I once more will see him, tho
my Heart-strings crack, I’ll conquer all these criminal Fires; I have the Goal
in view, bright Honour leads me on, the part is glorious, but, oh! ’tis painfultoo:
Let me retire, and tear him from my doating Thoughts, or in the
bitter Conflict lose the use of Thought.

Exit.

Beaum

How strong are the Efforts of Honour where a good Education
grounds the Mind in Virtue! this unexpected hurry has for some moments
banish’d my dear Arabella from my Thoughts. O, here comes my Implyment!
well, how goes Affairs?

Enter Searchwell.

Search

Rarely, Sir; the Chambermaid swallow’d the Guineas as glibly as
a Lawyer a double Fee from his Client’s Antagonist; she’s bringing
the young Lady hither. Eugenia talks of a Contrivance, that you should instantly
appear like a Tarpaulin, pretend to be related to the Lady, and fright
the ’Squire into a complyance.

Beaum

Any thing to serve my Arabella, we’l meet ’em, and receive their
Instructions.

Exeunt.

The End of the Third Act.

Act IV.

Scene a Room in Locket’s, a Table with a Flask upon it. Enter Sir Francis Wildlove and Mrs. Flywife.

Mrs. Flyw

Well, this is a strange mad thing, but my old cross Fellow
will never let me take a mouthful of Air; I am sure you
will have an ill Opinion of me.

Sir Fran

A kind one you mean, Madam; I think you generous, lovely, and
all my Heart desires.

Mrs. Flyw

My Maid is gone the Lord knows where for Fruit; I swear I
tremble, coming into a Tavern alone.

Sir Fran

A Glass of Wine will recall the fled Roses, but here’s the Nectar
thirsty love requires.

Kisses her. Mrs. Beauclair bounces in, in Mens Clothes.

Mrs. Beauc

O pardon and protect me; I’m pursued by Hell-hounds, Bailiffs,
and if taken, inevitably ruin’d.

Sir Fran

The Devil take thee and the Bailiffs together, for an interrupting
young Dog.

Mrs. Beauc

You look with a Face cruel as they, but sure in those fair Eyes
I read some Pity.

E2 Mrs. E2v 28

Mrs. Flyw

aside A very handsom Fellow, how came you in Trouble,
Sir?

to him.

Mrs. Beauc

Alas, Madam, I was put to an Attorney, but longing to turn
Beau, have half-ruin’d my Master, wholly lost my Friends, and now am follow’d
by the several Actions of my Taylor, Sempstress, Perruke-maker, Husien,
and a long Et cetera; besides, the swingingst Debt my Perfumer; Essence and
sweet Pouder has compleated my Ruin.

Sir Fran

’Tis monstrous to cheat honest Tradesmen in dressing up a Fop;
therefore, unwelcoming Intruder, I desire you would seek your Protection
elsewhere.

Mrs. Flyw

Nay, now you are too severe; the young Gentleman in Liberty
may mend his Fortunes, and live to pay his Debts; he has a promising
Face.

Sir Fran

Your Pity, Madam; but hastens absence.

Mrs. Beauc

aside Will this Fellow, I thought I had so well instructed, never
come?

Enter Drawer.

Draw

Sir Francis, a man out of breath says he must speak with you, on
what concerns your Friend’s Life.

Sir Fran

The Devil’s in the Dice to day; where is he? what’s the matter?

Exit.

Mrs. Beau

aside Now Impudence and Eloquence assist me, what have I
done? in seeking to preserve my Liberty, I have for ever lost it; my unexperienc’d
Youth ne’r view’d such Charms before, and, without Compassion,
this Bondage may be worse than what I avoided.

Mrs. Flyw

laughing Meaning me, sir?

Mrs. Beau

Nay, Im a Fool, for Bankrupt in Wealth how can I hope to
thrive in Love, since scarce any of your fair sex, tho’ merit was thrown into
the scales, value a man on whom Fortune frowns.

Mrs. Flyw

aside I think it is the prettiest Youth I ever saw, I have Wealth
enough to supply his wants, what should then debar me?

Mrs. Beau

So, she eyes me kindly I’m sure.

Mrs. Flyw

Your Looks, sweet Youth, plead powerful as your Language;
and to let you see I value not Riches, the want of which makes you miserable,
accept this Ring, ’twill stop a Creditor’s mouth, and pay two or three Ordinaries
at the blue Posts.

Mrs. Beau

Oh wondrous Bounty! thus encourag’d; shall I beg another
Favour, that you would fly from hence before that angry man returns, lest I
fall a sacrifice to his Jealousie, and see those charming Eyes no more.

Mrs. Flyw

If my maid would come, ―― ha here she is; sure you
have flown.

Enter Jenny.

Jen

I beg your Pardon, Madam, I ne’er went, Sir Francis’s Gentleman and
I were solacing our selves below, and sent a Porter for the Fruit till hearing
Sir Francis was gone in a great hurry, he ran after his Master, and I came up
to see what was the matter.

Mrs. E3r 29

Mrs. Beau

A hopeful Mistress and Maid! deliver me from these Town-
Ladies. Aside.

Mrs. Flyw

Ungrateful man, on any Pretence to leave me!

Mrs. Beau

Ungrateful! monstrous; had a thousand Friends been dying,
they ought all to have expir’d e’re you have suffer’d a moments neglect.

Mrs. Flyw

This Flattery’s too gross, young Courtier, you must treat me
with Truth.

Mrs. Beau

All is Truth, my Heart, my Life is yours.

Jen

aside Another Spark! sure the Devil’s in my Mistress.

Mrs. Flyw

Well Sir, I’ll consent to your Desires, and we’l go from hence
at the Door towards the Park, there’s no danger.

Mrs. Beau

If you are kind, I fear none, Madam.

Mrs. Flyw

Let me find you what you seem, and you shall brave the World,
and scorn your Debts: Jenny, get me a Chair, and show this Gentleman the
House where we lodge, then come in, let him ask for you, if you can prevent
your Master’s seeing him do, if not, say it is one you waited upon in his Infancy,
the disparity of Years between you consider’d, that may pass.

Jen

aside Humph, I shall never like him for this Affront. Yes, Madam,
it shall be done.

Mrs. Beau

Your Hand, dear obliging Creature, I hear a noise.

Mrs. Flyw

Quick, this way: run you before, and pay one of the Drawers
for this Flask of Champaign.

Exeunt. Enter Sir Francis, Searchwel, and a Drawer.

Sir Fran

Ha! gone! so I thought; eternal Dog, you have been helping
in this Contrivaance; Did you take me for a Cully, Spawn of Hell? Have I
known this damn’d Town so long, at last to be catch’d with such a gross Banter?
speak Sirrah; who was that Impostor that told me my Friend Mr. Beaumont
was taken up for a Jacobite, and the Mobb was pulling him to pieces?

Draw

As I ever hope to outlive your Anger, and taste agen your noble
Bounty, I knew nothing of him.

Sir Fra

Shut the Door, you careless Blockhead, whom I charged to watch
and let no body come up to me: Now sirrah confess, or I’ll make that Rogue
help me kick thee into Mummy, for tho’ my Sword’s drawn, I scorn to hurt
thee that way.

Draw

If I should confess you’l kill me, Sir.

Sir Fran

No.

Draw

Truly then, Sir, the young Spark gave me a Guinea to show him
the Room where your Honour was; but for the Fellow that seem’d so much
concern’d, I wish I may be hang’d if I knew of him any thing at all Sir, any
thing at all Sir. Good your Honour break my Head, and forgive me.

Sir Fran

I will not touch thee, Could I expect more from thy sordid Soul?
Gold corrupts Mankind; be gone. Exit Drawer.
This unaccountable Jilt has so abus’d me, I could find in my Heart to forsake
the Gang, and lay a penitential Dunce at the feet of Virtue, fair Mrs. Beauclair.

Search

I pray Heaven keep you in that good mind.

Sir E3v 30

Sir Fran

Good lack, canting sot, I suppose you was shut up with a Whore,
Rascal, whilst you ought to have been Pimping for me.

Search

Trim Tram, Sir.

Sir Fran

How, Impudence!

Search

I meant the Rhime should be, “Like Mistress like Maid”; for indeed I
was employ’d with my Ladies waiting Gentlewoman.

Sir Fran

Was ye so, Rascal? could I but find the young stripling, ’twould
be some satisfaction: Hang’t, if I am baulk’d both in Love and Revenge, the
cross Adventures shall be drown’d in brisk Champaign:

’Tis the dear Glass which eases every smart,

And presently does cure the aking Heart.

Exit. Enter Mrs. Beauumontclair, meeting Dresswell.

Mrs. B

Oh Dresswell! I’m glad I’ve met with thee.

Dress

Lord, Madam, I have been in a sad fright for ye; and hunted up and
down this hour.

Mrs. B

All’s well, let’s in there, I’ll tell you my adventures.

Dress

Then I hope your Frolick has been to your Ladiships satisfaction.

Mrs. B

Yes, yes, I got Sir Francis’s Mistress from him, and faith I was pursuing
my Conquest, and venturing to her Lodging, when coming to the
House, it proved that where Bellinda Lodg’d and the Lady, I suppose, the Merchant’s
Wife. I feared I shou’d meet with my Uncle there, and fairly gave the
Maid the drop. Come, I long to change my Cloaths, I’m quite tir’d with
wearing the Breeches; this way.

Exeunt. Enter Sir Francis Wildlove and Searchwell.

Sir Fran

Ha! is not that the young Devil that abus’d me? he has entred the
House, and I’ll be with him presently, walk hereabouts till I come out.

Exit.

Search

Yes, Sir.

Scene changes to the inside of the House. Reenter Mrs. Beaumont and Dresswell.

Mrs. B

Are my things ready and a good fire in the Room.?

Dress

Madam, they are?.

Mrs. B

Peep out and see who knocks;.

one knocks.

Dress

Madam, ’tis Sir Francis Wildlove, and he seems in a fury.

Mrs. B

Let him in, I’ll do well enough with him; now get you gone and
fear nothing.

Enter Sir Francis Wildlove.

Sir Fran

So, Sir, I suppose you think matters have gone swingingly on your
side, and have laught immoderately at the reflection how those green years
have made a Fool of me; but Chance has thrown me on thee once agen, and
now for those Feasts of Joy an after reckoning Draws must be paid young
Gentleman, you understand my meaning.

Mrs. B

Yes, and will answer it, but hear me first, ’tis to provoke you I
speak: know then, your Mistress was my easy Conquest, I scarce had time to E4r 31
to say one soft thing before she cry’d, “Let’s fly, sweet youth, e’er that rough
man returns, and in thy arms forget him.”

Sir Fran

She’s a Jilt and for a well-drest Fop wou’d quite a man that saved
her life.

Mrs. B

Then this Ring was presented, I suppose you may ha’ seen it; adorn
thy fair hand, and with ten thousand kisses ’twas whisper’d, “you shall not
want for Gold.”

Sir Fran

Tho’ I value her no more than I do thee, yet I will have thy life
for harbouring so damn’d a thought, that I was fitter for your sport. Come
on.

Mrs. B

Hold, hold, Sir Francis I’ll not pretend to take your Sword, tho’ I
cou’d your Mistress from ye, see my Credentials for my Cowardice.

puts up her Ring.

Sir Fran

Mrs. Beauclair ―― What a blind Puppey am I, twice in one day,
that’s hard I faith?

Mrs. Beau

Pray return your Lady back her favour.

gives him the Ring.

Sir Fran

Madam――

Mrs. B

Nay, look not concerned, upon my word I’ll never interrupt you
more: Hug in your Bosom the plaister’d mischiefs, their blotted Souls and
spotted Reputations, no Varnish can cover o’er, pursue, o’ertake, possess, the
unenvied ’mongst the Painted Tribe most worthily bestow your heart.

Sir Fran

Think ye so meanly of me, my heart bestow’d amongst your
Sexes shame! No, Madam, Glorious Virtue alone can reach at that, my loving
is a diversion I can soon shake off.

Mrs. B

That’s hard to believe, but I must beg your pardon, I’m in haste to
unrig.

Sir Fran

Hear me a moment, you have seen my frailties, if like Heaven you
can forgive, a truer penitent or a more constant votary no cruel Virgin ever
found.

Mrs. B

Have a care of the dull road: Sir Francis, Farewell.

Exit.

Sir Fran

Go thy ways for a pretty witty agreeable Creature, but if I shou’d
seduce her into Matrimony, I fear the common fate will attend her Beauty,
quickly tarnish and good humour vanish.

Exit. Enter Spendall and Lywell.

Spend

Ha, Lywell! I am the happiest man alive, almost out of Fortune’s
Power.

Lyw

What is’t transports youu so? some whim, some Chymical delusion,
that will fail in the projection, and vanish into Air.

Spend

Hear me and then with admiration, be dumb; nor dare to contradict
my wit, or Plots agen: In short, my Lady Beauclair and Miss, are in open Rebellion
by my perswasion, and to Compleat my good Fortune, I have borrow’d
ten Guineas of Sir Charles, with the help of which, I’ll be married to his Daughter-in-Law,
within these two hours.

Lyw

Ha! I begin to think the Devil has left playing at Leger de main with
thee: and having secur’d thee, resolves to bestow some of this World’s wealth
upon thee.

LywSpend E4v 32

Spend

Canst not thou procure a Templer’s Chamber for an hour or two,
and appear with the Gravity of a long Robe?

Lyw

With ease, I know a young Spark that has fine Lodgings there; but
by his old Father is kept at short allowance; a Treat or a very small sum will
engage that, and all his habiliments.

Spend

Canst thou not put on the grave look of a starcht Councellor.

Lyw

Hum! hum! ―― I’ll speak with you immediately ―― you
see, Friend, I’m busy ―― How was that ――

Spend

Pretty well. Come; about it presently, and I’ll bring the Ladies to
you, as my Father’s chief Lawyer. Be sure you tell ’em, you have the settlement
of his Estate upon me in your hands, and seem very desirous I shou’d
do well.

Lyw

I warrant ye, and shan’t we have lusty treats, old Boy?

Spend

I thought your Conscience had scrupled the proceedings.

Lyw

O Pox, my Conscience never tsroubles me, but when Affairs go ill.

Spend

Well, make haste, and doubt not feasting: I must to my Charge,
lest they coolflawed-reproductionFools are seldom long resolv’d, and I know a finer Fellow
wou’d get both Mother and Daughers heart; They’re now in a kindly
growing warmth, and the old ones Imagination tickled as much with
thoughts of darling Peggy’s Marriage, as ever ’twas with her own, Farewell!
be sure you observe your directions.

Lyw

It shall be done, dear lucky Devil ―― Coughs Hum, hum, I shall
be perfect in a Grave Cough; and a hum, of business, by that time you come
to my Chamber.

Spend

Hold! for I had forgot — Whereabouts is this Chamber? for I guess
your Worship’s Name is not so famous to direct.

Lyw

Come, as we go along I’ll tell you.

Exeunt. Enter Arabella meeting Eugenia.

Arab

So my dear deliverer, how have you succeeded?

Eug

Oh, Madam, the poor ’Squire’s frighted out of the little wit he had,
one Scene more, and the Day’s our own.

Arab

What’s become of Mr. Beaumont?

Eug

He’s about some earnest business of Sir Charles Beauclair’s, I know not
what tis, but there’s a heavy Clutter amongst ’em.

Arab

Well, you brought me to the Ladies Lodging, but I believe that’s
the only place she is not to be found at, for I have waited in vain with much impatience to see her.

Eug

Her Footman’s below, and says she’ll be here immediately.

Arab

Prithee let’s into the Chamber first, and you shall give an Account
of the ’Squire’s fright?

Eug

I follow you, Madam.

Exeunt. Scene, Sir Charles Beauclair’s House. Enter Sir Charles.

Sir Char

Sure the World’s all running mad; or else resolved to make me
so; at home I cannot meet with a sensible Answer; but ―― Oh, what touches
nearest, the Dear, the cruel, the charming Maid; Bellinda will not see me how F1r 33
how shall I appease the offended fair, my Wife too not returned; where will
this end? ―― Gentil! Eugenia! James.

[Speaker label not present in original source]

Within

Sir.

Sir Char

Sir; ―― Where, ye everlasting Dormice? will none come near
me?

Exit Enter Cheatall and Gentil.

Cheat

Gadzooks! This Councellor Cobblecase has talkt Law, and drank
Claret with me, till my brains are turn’d topsy-turvy. Gad, I wou’d
not have my Lady-Sister see me now for a King’s Ransome, Tho’ ――
udsbores! I know not why she shou’d, because she’s a little older, set her eternal
Clack a running upon all my Actions.

Gent

Sir, my Lady and Miss are both abroad.

Cheat

That’s well! — Why, Gentil! here Cobblecase advises me not to look
up the young woman, but to use her kindly, and, Gadzooks! I’m in a plaguy
loving humour ―― I’ll try her good nature once again ―― Hold ――
yonder comes Sir Charles ―― My Sister will never forgive me, if I let him
see her; He’s a well-spoken man, if I durst trust him, he shou’d sollicite for
me, but then he’s so woundy handsome, and so amorous, I doubt he’d speak
one word for me, and two for himself; as the saying is.

Enter Sir Charles Beauclair, talking to Eugenia.

Sir Char

You say ―― you will not injure the ’Squire.

Eug

No, not in the least — she hath sworn never to marry him, and the
Law will in time recover her right: Only this way is sooner and cheaper.

Sir Char

The Lady’s free, and I’ll neither oppose or assist it further ――
Ha — there he stands, how is’t Brother?

Cheat

Very well, I thank you, Sir Charles.

Sir Char

Your Servant.

is going

Cheat

Brother, you never care for my Company! you take me for a Nump-
Scull; a half-witted Fellow, and, udsbores, wou’d you but ha’ me to the
Tavern, you shou’d find, I cou’d Drink my G’ass, Break my Jest, Kiss my
Mistress with the best of ye ―― Flesh! Try old Barnaby Cheatall, at your
next Jovial meeting.

Sir Char

You’re merry, Sir — But I’m in haste.

Exit.

Cheat

Udsbores! Women and Wine (both Unwholsome) Punish ye ――
There’s a Taste of my Wit in my Cursing, as the whole Cargo o’ the Bullies
lies in swearing ―― There tis agen, Ifaith! Am not I damnable Ingeniouus,
Gentil? Live and Learn, Sirrah, and be Hang’d, and forget all, as the saying
is ―― what a Dickins ails me: Hanging flawed-reproduction
a Qualm comes o’re my Stomach ―― That curs’d old Woman! Didst observe
how she look’d like the Witch, before the last new Ballad.

Gent

She had indeed, a very Prophetick Face.

One knocks, Gentil opens the Door ―― Beaumont Enters, Drest like a Seaman.

Gent

Who wou’d you speak with, Sir?

Beau

With Mrs. Arabella Venturewell.

Gent

She’s not here.

Beau

Now, by the Cannon’s Fire, ’tis false ―― I have come ten Thousand
Leagues to see her ―― and will not be so answered.

F Cheat. F1v 34

Cheat

A terrible Fellow! Gadzooks, ―― Pray, Sir, what’s your business
with her?

Beau

She’s my Sister; that’s sufficient for your Impertience.

Cheat

You, the Lawfull Begotten Son of Sir George Venturewell, begging
your Pardon, I believe you are mistaken, Friend, in your Father, as many a
man may be; for Sir George had never any but this Daughter.

Beau

No, I’m not his Lawfull begotten Son, not the weak off-spring of ――

Cheat

O Lard! what pains he takes to tell me he’s the Son of a Whore?

Beau

Born in India; Bred a Bucanier: Sword and Fire have been my play-
Fellows, and Ravishing my Pleasure ―― In far distant Worlds I have scattered
my rough Image, and as my Sword has cut off their dull Breed, so my
vigorous youth has left a Race of future Hero’s.

Cheat

A very terrible Fellow, as I hope for mercy?

Beau

Rich with the spoils of long successfull War, I have visited this
Climate in search of Arabella, whom I have often heard my Father mention
with much tenderness, I am directed hither — Therefore do not raise my Fury
with delays — For Cause, or not Cause, if I am Angry, Blood must appease it.

Cheat

O Lard! O Lard! what shall I do? He’ll fright me into a Kentish
Ague: I must speak him fair ―― Good Sir, all your desires shall be fulfilled,
have but a minute’s patience. Come along, Gentil, come along, and help
me, intreat her to speak him fair, or I’m a lost man!
— I’ll wait upon ye in a Twinkling, Sir.

Exit with Gentil.

Beaum

It works as I cou’d wish, it goes against me to terrify this Fool so
much, but he deserves it.

Enter Cheatall and Gentil.

Cheat

Oh! Gentil! what shall I say.

Gent

The Lord knows, I don’t.

Beau

Well, Sir, where’s my Sister?

Cheat

Alas! I think she’s vanishd.

Beau

How! d’ye trifle with my Anger, bring me stories fit for a Baby!
Blood and Thunder! if I Unsheath my Sword, it finds a Scabbard in your
Guts! Confess — or by the Cannons fire ――

Cheat

I do confess, that thinking of your coming, and knowing her to be
a little wild, lest she shou’d have been out of the way, I lockt her up ――
But what is now become of her, by the Cannons fire, the dreadfullest Ouath I
ever heard! I cannot tell.

Beau

aside I shall never hold laughing.

Enter Eugenia.

Eug

Oh! my Conscience! ―― My tortur’d Conscience! ――I cannot
keep it!

Beau

What’s the matter?

Eugen

Oh! I went into the Room, where the Lady was lockt up: And
there’s at least a Pail full of blood ―― all the Water in the Sea will never
wash the stains out ―― I believe ’Squire Barnaby and Gentil have killed
her, cut her to pieces, and carried her away under their Cloaks.

Cheat

Oh! Impudence! O Lard! O Lard! Sir, I han’t the heart to kill a
Chicken! I always swoon at the sight of my own Blood: speak Gentil, why thou F2r 35
thou hast never a Cloak ―― That’s a strong proof, Sir ―― Gentil has ne’er a
Cloak.

Eug

Why then it went all under yours ―― Besides, Gentil has a large pair
of Trowsers; that I’ll swear ―― For you made him bring my Lady home
half a Venison Pasty in ’em. Shrieks out. Ah! look o’ their Shoes, they have
Padled in it.

Beau

Ay, ’tis so, and so I’ll be Reveng’d ―― Cut thee small as the first
Atoms that huddled up thy senseless Carkass ―― nor will I be troubled
to bear thee hence, but stamp thy vile Clay to it’s kindred Dust, and leave
thee here for Rubbish?

Cheat

Oh, Sir, upon my knees I beg you’d hear me.

Eug

interposing Hold, Sir, don’t kill the Miscreant, that will bring your
self into trouble; Our Law will hang him, I warrant ye. What made him order
her (being here) to be denied.

Cheat

Ay, Good Sir, let me be hang’d! That’s my Destiny! I see there’s
no avoiding it ―― Gentil ―― Beg I may be hang’d.

Gent

Pray, Sir, let my Master be hangd.

Beau

Well, I’ll try your Law ―― if that fails, this, I’m sure never will.
How must we proceed, Madam?

puts up his Sword

Eug

I’ll go with ye for a Man, with the Staff of Authority, he shall order
him ―― The very Stones in the Street wou’d turn Constables, to seize
such a Monster ―― Kill a pretty Lady ―― and cut her to pieces ―― oh horrid!

Cheat

You are a lying Whore! if I durst tell you so? aside.

Beau

You Fellow! come hither.

Cheat

Run, Gentil, run ―― Proffer him all I’m worth.

Beau

aside to Gentil When we are gone, carry him to my Lodgings; I
have told my Landlady the story, and she’s provided for him.

Gent

It shall be done ―― Is there no mercy?

Cheat

Ah, Lord, no mercy.

Beau

Well! we’ll be with you immediately — Come, Madam.

Eug

Ay, ay, repent and pray, do ’Squire, do.

Exit cum Beau.

Cheat

Oh Gentill! That ever I was born! That ever I was born! ――
What did he say to thee, Gentil?

Gent

He wou’d have had me turned evidence against your Worship, and
confess ―― But I’ll be hangd first?

Cheat

I’d confess, if I thought ’twou’d do me any good?

Gent

What! Confess you murdered her!

Cheat

Ay, any thing! any thing! any thing ―― Oh Gentil! it must be
this witch — she has carried her away, and spilt the blood, that her Prophecy
might come to pass?

Gent

Not unlikely, ―― Sir, Sir, I have thought of a thing ――

Cheat

What is’t, dear Gentil?

Gent

Suppose you and I run away, before the Constable come, I know a
Friend will conceal you, and then we may hope to make it up, or hear of her
―― I can’t think she’s murdered.

F2 Cheat F2v 36

Cheat

Nor I neither, except the Devil has don’t? But let’s away, good
Gentil ―― methinks I hear this Magistrates paw, ―― this Constable just behind
me, his voice hoarse with Watching, and swallowing Claret Bribes —
Oh, Gentil! if I shou’d fall into his Gripe!

Gent

Therefore let’s hasten to avoid it ―― Ah, Sir, this is no time for
Jesting.

Cheat

Too true, Gentil, but wit will o’reerflow! I fear I shall quibble in my
Prayers, and die with a Jest in my mouth ―― Come, come! Hang’d! O
Lard, any of the Family of the Cheatalls hang’d! O Lard, and I the only
branch on’t? Oh, Gentil, ’tis unsupportable.

Gent

Away, away, Sir.

Cheat

Oh that ever I shou’d live to see my self hang’d.

Exeunt. Scene changes to a Chamber in the Temple. Enter Lywel in a Gown.

Lyw

So! I’m equipp’d: the young Lawyer snapp’d at the Guineas, and
has furnish’d me throughout, nay, left his Boy to boot; Gad, I believe he’l
be famous in his Generation, he encourages Mischief so readily. Pox! ――
wou’d they wou’d come ―― I’m weary of Cook upon Littleton.

Enter Boy.

Boy

Sir, Sir, — a Gentleman and two Ladies are coming up.

Lyw

’Tis they ―― you know your Cue.

Enter Spendall, Lady Beauclair, and Mrs. Peggy.

Spend

Young man, is Councellor Smart within?

Boy

Sir, he’s dispatching some half a score Clients, but he’l do that with a
wet Finger, and wait on you immediately.

Spend

A witty Whoreson; what, a wet Finger to lick up the Gold, ha! —
Well, tell him I’m here.

Boy

Yes, Sir.

Exit.

Peg

Fine Chambers, Mother! and a fine place, I’ll swear! Vather would
ne’er let me walk here, zed, ’twan’t fit for young Ladies ―― I’ll vaw, I
like it waundily.

La. Beau

Here were Councellors not unfit for you, but Husband was never
free you should be seen.

Spend

Now I’m, by Promise, the happy man: my charming Dear, let me
beg you’d entertain no other Thoughts. ―― Where’s this Lawyer? ――
a Moments delay seems an Age.

Exit Spendall.

La. Beauc

Well, Daughter, feel how my Heart beats; I’m almost afraid
to venture on him for thee.

Peg

Don’t tell me of your Fears, ―― now you’ve put a Husband in my
Head, I will be married, so I will.

La. Beauc

Ah! send thee good Luck! I shall fall in a Fit, I believe, whilst
thou art marrying.

Peg

I fear not marrying, not I.

Enter Spendall and Lywell.

Lyw

Well, Sir, I understand the business. ―― Your Father, considering
your Extravagance, has done more than I thought fit to tell ye; but afterter F3r 37
such a Proposal, you may hear it all ―― What! this is the pretty
Creature, I suppose, you are about marrying.

Peg

Yes, Sir.

La. Beauc

Lord, Peggy, you’re too forward! I wonder on ye now: ――
Sir, she is my Daughter, and she’ll be worth Eight thousand pounds, and a
better Penny; I would not have her cast away, Sir.

Lyw

To be thrown into a young Gentleman’s Arms with a great Estate,
will be a good Cast, I take it, Madam.

La. Beauc

If I were satisfied in that!

Lyw

Look ye, Madam, I am a man of business, and many words are but
superfluous. ―― Hum! hogh! D’ye see, here’s the Settlement of his Father’s
Estate ―― Eight hundred pounds a Year, and some Thousands in
Mony, a well-made Fellow into the bargain: Let me tell ye, Madam, such
Offers don’t stick o’ hand now a-days; you may read the Writings if you
please; if you dislike ’em ―― look ye, I have a Match in my Eye for the
Gentleman beyond your Daughters; tho’, I must own, this young Lady is
much handsomer.

Peg

aside to her Mother Dye hear what he says now! you’ll never leave
your Impartinence, as Vather calls it, ―― Pray be quiet; I’m satisfied, so
I am.

Lyw

Will you read ’em, Madam?

La. Beauc

reads“Noverint, &c.” ―― Nay, Sir, I don’t understand
lay, ―― But you look like a good honest man, Sir, and I dare take your
Word; I wish you had seen my Daughter sooner.

Spend

aside Well said, Mother-in-law ―― that is to be in love with
every new Face. ―― I must secure the young one, lest she’s of the same
mind.

Goes to Mrs. Peggy.

La. Beauc

I’d willingly have him keep his Coach and six ―― I think the
young Woman’s Face will bear it ―― and their Estates, I hope.

Lyw

No doubt on’t, Madam, ―― a handsom Wife, and a Coach and six,
How it attracts all Eyes, ―― the Envy or the Wonder of the Park.

Spend

Well, you may do what you please, but the dear one and I are agreed
―― we’l to Church without ye, if ye dispute it any longer.

Peg

Ay, and so we will, I vow and swear, Mr. Spendall.

La. Beauc

For shame, what d’ye talk on! why, ’tis past the Cannick hour.

Spend

Madam, all People of Quality marry at Night.

Lyw

That they may be sure to go to bed, before they repent, a day’s consideration
might take off their Appetite.

La. Beauc

Nay, if People of Quality do it, I’m for ye.

Peg

And so I am, I vow and swear.

Lyw

First, Ladies, be pleas’d to visit my withdrawing Room, I have Sweetmeats
and Trinkets there fit for the Fair sex, which secures me Female Visitants.

Spend

Agreed, we’l plunder him.

Lyw

Then we will seek to joyn this am’rous Pair, And drown in Pleasure Thoughts of future Care.

Exeunt. Enter F3v 38 Enter Flywife, pulling in Mrs. Flywife.

Mr. Flyw

Come, prithee Puggy, do. ――

Mrs. Flyw

I’m not in humour.

Mr. Flyw

What, don’t you love none, Fubby?

Mrs. Flyw

I hate Mankind, wou’d they were in one consuming blaze, tho’ I
were in the midst of ’em.

flying from him, and Exit.

Mr. Flyw

Hum, a consuming blaze; what’s the matter now? this is some
damn’d Intrigue has gone cross: I heard her bid Jenny come into this Room,
and she’d be with her: That’s a Quean, I dare swear, at the bottom; I’ll creep
behind the Hangings and hear their Discourse.

Enter Mrs. Flywife and Jenny.

Mrs. Flyw

To be trick’d thus by a Boy, a Booby; sure this will humble
the damn’d Opinion I have of my own Wit, and make me confess to my self,
at least, I am a Fool.

Jenn

Ay, your Ladiship was pleas’d to say, I might pass for his Nurse.
Indeed I believe he has had as good Instructors, for I find he’s old enough to
be too cunning for his Benefactress.

Mrs. Flyw

What did he say when you parted?

Jen

Madam, I have told you several times; I no sooner shew’d him the
House, but he leap’d back and seem’d surpriz’d; then recovering himself, he
said, he would follow me in: I, according to your Directions, watch’d carefully,
but no pretty Master came: Nothing vexes me so much, as that the little
dissembling Sharper should get the Ring.

Mrs. Flyw

Pish, I don’t value the Trifle three farthings; what’s my doating
Keeper good for, unless it be to give me more? But to lose the tempting
Youth!

Jen

Pray add Sir Francis Wildlove’s Loss to’t.

Mrs. Flyw

Peace, Fool; I’m thinking why the House should startle him:
ha! is not here a fine Woman lodges, much retir’d, that seems of Quality?

Jen

Yes, Madam; I never saw her but once, she’s a perfect Charmer.

Mrs. Flyw

It must be so; this is some perdu Devil of hers, that durst not
venture in, for fear his Constancy should be suspected: Pray watch who comes
to her, dog ’em, do something for my ease.

Jen

Madam, I will.

Mrs. Flyw

Get me a Hackney-coach, I’ll range the Town over, but I’ll find
Sir Francis Wildlove.

Jen

My Master will be mad.

Mrs. Flyw

Then he may be sober agen, better he mad than I; if he be angry,
’tis but dissembling a little nauseous fondness, and all’s well agen.

Exeunt Re-enter Mr. Flywife.

Flyw

Is it so, thou worst Offspring of thy Grannam Eve? but I’ll stifle my
Rage, lest without further Proof she wheedles me into a Reconciliation, take
another Coach and follow her, catch her amongst her Comrades, without the
possibility of an Excuse, cut her Windpipe, and send her to Hell, without the
possibility of a Reprieve: Damn her, damn her.

Exit. Scene F4r 39 Scene, Bellinda’s Apartment. Enter Bellinda.

Bel

The little hurry of my quick Remove has took up all my Thoughts,
and I have not consider’d what I am about. See him no more, him whom I
could not live a day, an hour, without! No more behold his Eye-balls, tremble
with respectful passion ―― Hear no more the soft falling Accents of
his charming Tongue! view him dying at my feet no more! ―― O Virtue!
take me to thee; chase from my strugling Soul all this fond tenderness:
Secure me now, and I’m thy Votary for ever.

Enter Beaumont.

Beaum

Madam, neglecting even my Love, I come to wait on your Commands.

Bel

Such Thanks as an indiscreet and wretched Woman can return are
yours: What said Sir Charles?

Beaum

He receiv’d the Message as Wretches that are afraid to dye, hear
the condemning Voice, or as the Brave the loss of Victory, or the Ambitious
that of Crowns: He begs, that he may haste to plead his Cause, and seems to
live alone upon the Hopes his Love and Innocence may alter your Resolves.

Bel

O stop him, Sir, some moments longer, till I am just ready to be gone.
He has a Friend too powerful within, and I must fly, or I shall never overcome.

Beaum

I’ll prevent his coming till you send. Your Servant, Madam.

Exit.

Bel

Honour and Love, oh the torture to think they are domestick foes,
that must destroy the Heart that harbours ’em! Had my Glass but been my
Idol, my Mind loose, unconstant, wavering, like my Sex, then I might have
scap’d these pangs; Love, as passing Meteors, with several fires just warms
their Breasts, and vanishes, leaving no killing Pain behind, ’tis only foolish:
I have made a God of my Desire greater than ever the Poets feign’d: My
Eyes receiv’d no Pleasure but what his fight gave me; no Musick charm’d my
Ears, but his dear Voice: Wracks, Gibbets, and Dungeons, can they equal losing
all my Soul admires? Why nam’d I them? Can there be greater
Wracks Than what despairing parting Lovers find,To part when both are true, both wou’d be kind?

The End of the fourth Act.

Act F4v 40

Act V.

Scene, Bellinda’s Apartment.

Enter Bellinda.

Bell

He comes, keep back, full Eyes, the springing Tears! ―― and thou
poor trembling Heart! now be mann’d with all thy strongest stoutest
Resolutions; there will be need.

Enter Sir Charles.

Sir Cha

Ah! whither shall I throw me? what shall I say? ―― Mariamne
hangs like Iceicles upon my Tongue, but Bellinda flows: Oh Bellinda! ――
I charge thee by that dear Name, hear and pity me.

Bell

coldly What wou’d you say?

Sir Cha

Why nothing; I do not know that Voice, it has stopp’d the rising
words, and I must only answer with my sighs.

Bell

Sir Charles, we have both been punish’d with unwarrantable Love.

Sir Cha

Punish’d! Have we been punish’d? ―― Now, by all my Woes to
come, by all my Transports past, all thought of my Bellinda, there’s not a
Pang, a Groan, but brought its pleasure with it: Oh! ’tis happier far to
sigh for thee, than to have enjoy’d another.

Bell

You interrupt me when I just begin. ―― Grant it true, ―― we might have liv’d th weary grown of of one another, till you, perhaps, might
coldly say, I had a Mistress. ―― Now to part, when at the mention of each
other’s Name our Hearts wll rise, our Eyes run o’er, ’tis better much than
living to indifferency, which Time and Age would certainly have brought.

Sir Cha

Oh, never, never; tho’ the Bauble gaudy Beauty die, yet Sence
and Humour still remain — on that I should have doated.

Bell

You cannot guess your future by your present Thoughts; or, if you
cou’d, I am not to be mov’d forsaking thee; and when I have said that, I
need not add all Pleasures, ―― in remote and unfrequented shades I’ll pass
my solitary hours, and like a Recluse, waste the remainder of my wretched
days.

Sir Cha

And am I the Cause of this melancholy penance? Must my unhappy
Love rob the World of its fairest Ornament? No, Madam, stay and
injoyn me what you please; condemn my Tongue to everlasting silence; let
me now and then but gaze, and tell you with my Eyes what’s acting in my
Heart; or ―― if you will retire, permit me to follow, under the pretence
of hunting; the Air, a thousand things I can invent, create new
Friendship, caress the whole Country o’er, to have an opportunity of
seeing you, though at a hateful distance, and surrounded by severest Friends.

Bell. G1r 41

Bell

Ha! is this the awful Love, I thought possess’d ye? How fatally I was
mistaken! What! pursue me to my Father’s House! fix on my Name a
lasting Blot, a Deathless Infamy, pollute my Native Air with unhallow’d
Love, where all my Ancestors have, for Ages, flourish’d, and left an honest
Fragrancy behind! Mark me, Sir, you know I do not use to break my word.
―― If by Letters, Missages, or the least appearance (tho’ cautiously, as
Treasons plotted against the State) you approach me, I’ll fly the Kingdom,
or, if that’s too little, the World.

Sir Cha

No, ’tis I have been mistaken. ―― Now, by all the Wracks
I feel, not worth a Sigh, a parting drop; no Regard of Tenderness, no Beam
of Pity, from those dear Eyes, nor sidelong Glance to view my sad Distraction!
Methinks you have already left me, and I am got amongst my Fellow
Madmen, tearing my Hair, chain’d to the Ground, foaming, and digging up
the Earth, yet in every smallest Interval of Sence calling on Bellinda.

Bell

A noble Birth, a censorious World, a mourning Father, all plead
against thee. Oh, talk no more, lest you force my Hand to some desperate
Act; and yet your Words pierce my Bosom with greater pain than pointed
Steel.

Sir Char

I see you are resolv’d on my Undoing, fix’d like my relentless
Fate; therefore I’ll not urge another syllable, but quietly, as dying Men
when Hope’s all past, quit Life and their dearest friends, for ever, ever
leave thee.

Bell

That sad silent Look discovers such inward Worlds of Woe, it strikes
me through, staggers my best Resolves, removes the Props I have been raising
for my sinking Fame, and, blind with passion, I could reel into thy Arms.
―― Tell me, on what are thy Thoughts employ’d?

Sir Char

On the Curse of Life, impos’d on us without our Choice, and
almost always attended with tormenting Plagues.

Bell

Yet we may meet again, in Peace and Joy, when this Gigantick Honour
appears no Bugbear, and our Desires lawfully be crown’d. ―― It is a
guilty Thought; nor shall I ever dare to form it to a Wish.

Sir Cha

But dost thou think we may? embracing her.
What! uncontroul’d clasp thee thus! Oh, Extasie! with wild Fury run
o’er each trembling beauteous Limb, and grasp thee as drowning Men
the dear Bark from whence they were thrown.

Bell

Away, away! What are we doing? Divide him, Heaven, from
my fond guilty Eyes; set Seas, and Earth, and Worlds of Fire between us,
for Virtue, Fate, and Honour, with an united Cry, have doom’d, that we must
meet nor more.

Exit.

Sir Cha

To raging Seas, Sieges, and Fields of Battle will I fly, Pleasures
and Pastimes to the Woes I feel. Oh, Bellinda!

Exit. G Scene G1v 42 Scene Changes. Enter Gentil.

Gent

I cou’d laugh my Heart sore, to see what a condition the Fool my
Master’s in; every knocking at the Door is as good as a Dose of Rubarb,
and every Noise makes him leap like a Vaulter. Ha! he’s coming, the poor
Baby dares not be alone.

Cheatall, peeping.

Cheat

Gentil! Is the Coast clear?

Gen

Yes, Sir.

Cheat

Oh Gentil!

Gen

What’s the matter? You look worse frighted than you were.

Cheat

Ay, and well I may; you leave me alone, and I shall grow distracted:
I have ―― I have seen a Ghost.

Gen

A Ghost! what, Mrs. Arabella’s Ghost?

Cheat

Nay, I did not stay to examin that; for, as soon as ever I perceiv’d
the Glympse on’t, I shut up my Eyes, and felt my way out of the
Chamber.

Gen

Where was this Ghost, Sir?

Cheat

Oh! behind the Bed, behind the Bed, Gentil.

Gen

Lord, Sir, ’twas nothing but the Cloak; I hung it there.

Cheat

Was it not? O’ my Conscience, I thought it had been a Giant of a
Ghost. ―― Hark, hark! what’s that?

he starts. A Cry without, seeming at a distance.

Boy without

A full and true Relation of a horrid and bloody Murther,
committed on the Body of Mrs. Arabella Venturewell, a young Lady, by one
’Squire Barnaby Cheatall and his Man Gentil; shewing how they lock’d her up
in the dark, then cut her to pieces, and carried the pieces away under their
Cloaks, and threw ’em into Chelsey-Reach, where, at low water, they were
found.

Cheat

O Lard! O Lard! the pieces found, Gentil!

Gen

So it seems, Sir.

Boy

seeming farther off A full and true Relation of a, &c.

Cheat

Nay, now we shall be hang’d for certain; not the least Hopes:
Oh! oh! oh!

Crying.

Gen

Come, Sir, have a little Courage.

Cheat

To confess the truth to thee, I never had any Courage in my Life;
and this would make the stoutest man tremble: Oh!

Gen

I am thinking, Sir, ―― why ―― we was not at Chelsey-Reach
that day.

Cheat

No, no; but, may be, they’l swear we was.

Gen

My Lady and Miss hated her, ―― sure they han’t been so barbarous.

Cheat

Like enough, ―― pin-up Petticoats are as conveninet as Cloaks, —
besides, my Sister is a Fury; I’ve heard her threaten pulling Folks a pieces
a hundred times, and now she has don’t. ―― we’l e’en peach.

Gen. G2r 43

Gen

What, your own Sister!

Cheat

Ay, my own Mother, to save my self: ―― I say, we’l peach.

Gen

That’s not so good, for if they prove themselves innocent, ’twill fall
upon us agen, ―― Heark ye, Sir, there’s only Eugenia can witness against
us, ―― suppose we try’d to stifle her Evidence with a swindging Bribe;
I never knew a Chambermaid refuse greasing in the Fist upon any account.

Cheat

My dear Gentil, ―― if she inclines, my Offers shall be so large,
that for the rest of her Life she shall have nothing to do, but study to make
her Hands white, that she may burn all her Fripery, and be able to spark it
with Quality.

Gen

Sir, I’ll send her Propositions.

Cheat

half draws his Sword Do, but if the stubborn Jade won’t comply,
appoint a private meeting, and stop her Mouth with this ―― Ugh! ――
you understand me.

Gen

Yes, Sir. Aside.
I find his Conscience would swallow a real Murder. ―― Sir, if you please,
we’ll go in and write what you design to offer her.

Cheat

Let us. If you meet her, Gentil, and she’s surly, ―― Remember,
―― ugh, — ugh.

Half draws his Sword. Exeunt. Enter Sir Francis Wildlove, and to him Searchwell.

Searchw

Sir Charles sends you word, he is busie ordering his Affairs, designing
with all speed to travel, and says, he shall never see you more, only
to take his leave.

Sir Fran

Hey day! O’ my Conscience, this charming little Beauclair has me
under a Spell, and I shall meet with nothing but Disappointments till I submit
to her.

Searchw

Ay, Sir, you wou’d soon find the true Pleasures of virtuous Love,
and a satisfaction in denying your Appetite.

Sir Fran

Preaching Fool, hold you your Peace.

Enter a Servant.

Serv

Sir, a Gentlewoman below desires to speak with you.

Searchw

aside So, there’s no great danger my Master shou’d Reform,
when the Devil is alwaies at hand with a Temptation in Petticoats.

Sir Fran

Searchwell, wait on the Lady up.

Searchw

Ah Lord!

Sir Fran

Sirrah, I shall break your Head, if you don’t leave this canting
trade.

Searchw

I am gone, Sir.

Exit, and Re-enters with Mrs. Dresswell.

Dressw

aside This is a mad Message my Lady has sent me with to her
Lover; I’m afraid he’l kick me for my News; hang’t, he’s a Gentleman, and
I’ll venture.

G2 Sir G2v 44

Sir Fran

Ha! pretty Mrs. Dresswell, this is a favour I never reciev’d from
you before; Must I own the Blessing only to your Good-will, or is my Happiness
greater? Did your Lady send?

Mrs. Dressw

I cam from my Lady, Sir, but what Happiness you’l find I
know not; methinks she has done a strange mad thing.

Sir Fran

What’s the matter?

Mrs. Dressw

She’s married, sir.

Sir Fra

The Devil she is.

Mrs. Dressw

Even so: she said, those that she fancied car’d not for her,
therefore she resolv’d to bestow her self and Fortunes on a secret Lover, whom
indeed her Ladiship owns she never valued, a Gentleman you know, sir, the
worthy Mr. Spendall.

Sir Fran

walks about enrag’d Damnation! that Rake, Bully, Sharper!
damn it, damn it.

Mrs. Dressw

Here’s a Note where they are; she desires to see you.

Sir Fran

Tell her I esteem her so much, I’ll cut the Rascal’s Throat she has
thought fit to call Husband; I’ll do it, Madam, tho’ I’m hang’d at the Door;
’tis the only way I can express my Love to her now.

Mrs. Dressw

Wou’d I were well gone; I’ll tell her, sir.

Exit.

Sir Fran

Married! and to Spendall! Oh, that I cou’d despise her: Ha! I
find ’tis worse with me than I thought, what makes this gnaw my Heart so
else? My fellow-Libertines will laugh to see me play the fool and kill my
self: Oh, I cou’d tear in piecemeal the Villain that betray’d her to endless
Ruin.

Enter a Servant.

Servant

Sir, there’s another Lady, out of a Coach, coming up stairs.

Sir Fran

Blockhead, tell her I desire she would break her Neck down agen,
and oblige me in riding post to the Devil. My Coach there?

Throws the fellow down. Exit.

Servant

O my Nose, my Nose; why what’s the matter now? I thought
I should have had a Reward for my News; and so I have, I think. O, my
Nose.

Enter Mrs. Flywife.

Mrs. Flyw

Where’s Sir Francis? Did you tell him I was coming up?

Servant

Yes, and he says, you may go to the Devil, he has spoil’d the Ornament
of my face, and flung into his Coach stark mad.

Mrs. Fly

Much of Passion shows much of Love, my Coach shall follow his,
I’ll not leave him so.

Exit. Scene changes. Enter Mrs. Beauclair, Dresswell, and a Woman.

Mrs. B

I must confess I am Fool enough to be pleas’d with Sir Francis’s concern?
But, Oh, my Uncle’s troubles draws a vail upon my rising Joys, and
damps all Mirth: Poor Bellinda! she sent a Note to tell me her Disorder was such, G3r 45
such, she cou’d not see me; with much ado I have perswaded Sir Charles to
come hither, for half an hour, and look into this unlucky piece of Matrimony.

Dress

Madam, they are coming.

Mrs. B

In, in, then?

Exit. Enter Lady Beauclair, Spendall, Miss Peggy, Lywell.

Lyw

Here give me a Glass of wine, Mrs. Bride’s long life, and lasting happiness.

M. Peg

Thank ye, Sir, give me a Glass, you.

Spend

To me, my Love?

M. Peg

Yes.

Spend

Yours, for ever.

Drinks it off.

Lady B

Lard, Child, you’ll drink too much Wine.

M. Peg

Pray be quiet, I’ll drink what I please; I am Married now, why
sure, I’ll ha’ none of your Tutoring, I Cod, I’ll long for every thing I see,
shan’t I, you?

Spend

I, and have it too, my dear.

M. Peg

I Cod, I’ll long for Green Pease at Christmas, so I will.

Lady B

My heart akes, this great concern has made me sick, give me a
Glass.

M. Peg

I am Mothers own Daughter, seth I dare confess it now, I always
us’d to be sick for a Glass of Wine, ho, ho?

Lady B

Sure the Wench is mad.

One knocks.

Spend

Ha, dear Ladies go in, ’tis some body from Sir Charles, I believe, I
wou’d willingly speak with ’em first.

M. Peg

Ay, ay, let’s go in, there’s more Wine within.

Lady B

Be sure you make your Estate out plain.

Spend

Yes, yes, heark ye, Lywell, carry ’em out of Ear-shot, lest it shou’d
prove a Dunner.

Lyw

I warrant; Come Ladies, we’ll in, and take a Bumper.

M. Peg

O la, you make me so blush ――

Knocks agen.

Spend

Boy, open the door?

Exeunt. Enter Sir Francis.

Sir Fran

What, grown so great already, that I must wait half an hour for
admittance.

Spend

aside. He is come from Sir Charles, Ill speak him fair: Sir Francis
Wildlove
, your very humble servant, I beg ten thousand Pardons.

Sir Fran

Keep your fawning, and bestow it on Fools; ’tis lost on me,
and will be grosly answer’d. I tell ye, you are a Rascal.

Spend

Poverty makes many a man so, Sir.

Sir Fran

A presuming Rascal! do I not know thee for the dreg of humane
kind, and shall thy detested Arms receive her Virgin Beauties, life of goodness,
Soul of Honour, Wit, and Sweetness, the only Woman upon Earth I
cou’d have lov’d?

Spend

Sure you design to banter me: Soul of wit, and Sweetness; the
Devil might had her Sweetness for me. ’Twas her Mony I married; faith, Sir
Francis, I always took her for a Fool?

Sir G3v 46

Sir Fran

Prophaner! this last action only calls her Judgment in question,
thy Death is Justice, first to deceive, and then abuse her, draw.

Spend

I will draw, tho’, Gad, I wou’d have sworn never to have fought on
this occasion.

Enter Mrs. Beauclair and Dresswell laughing.

Mrs. B

Ha, ha, ha.

Dress

Ha, ha, ha.

Sir Fran

Nay, Madam, I’ll not disturb your mirth, but be so calm to wish
it may continue.

puts up his Sword.

Spend

What’s the meaning of all this? how came Mrs. Beauclair here?

Sir Fran

Are you not married to this Lady?

Spend

No such Honour was ever designed for me: Lard, Sir, I am married
to Miss Peggy, Lady Beauclair’s Daughter, my Fool’s within, now I hope
I may call her so.

Mrs. B

I doubt, Sir Francis, you Counterplotted me, knew the truth,
and only acted this concern.

Sir Fran

No, by Heaven, nor per1 characterflawed-reproductione1-2 charactersflawed-reproductionly my own heart, till this severe Trial
search’d it; did I dissemble, Madam, your sense wou’d soon discover it, but
by my Soul, I love you truly, and if you dare venture on me, my future
life shall shew how much I honour you.

Mrs. B

Can you then leave all the pretty City Wives, which a Man of
your Parts and Quality, in a quarter of an hours seige, could overcome?
In fine, all the charming variety of what was pretty, or agreeable in the
whole Sex, and be confin’d? Oh, that’s a hard word to me.

Sir Fran

With more delight that those surfeiting Joys (that always left a
sting behind ’em) afforded.

Mrs. B

Well, Sir, if you can give me your heart, I can allow you great
Liberties: but when we have play’d the Fool and married, don’t you, when
you have been pleased abroad, come home surly1 wordflawed-reproduction your looks be kind, your
Conversation easie, and tho I shou’d know you have been with a Mistress, I’d
meet you with a smile.

Sir Fran

When I forsake such Charms, for senseless mercenary Creatures,
you shall correct me with the greatest punishment upon Earth, a frown.

Mrs. B

You’ll fall into the Romantick stile, Sir Francis: Mr. Spendall,
shan’t we see your Bride?

Spend

Yes, Madam, I hope your Ladyship will prove my Friend to Sir
Charles.

Mrs. B

Ay, ay, we’ll all speak for ye; had she mist ye, there was no great
likelihood, as the case was, she wou’d have done better.

Sir Fran

Where is the pretty Miss? pray conduct us to her.

Mrs. B

Sir Charles will be here presently, I long to hear my Aunt set out
the greatness of the match.

Spend

This way, Sir.

Exeunt. Enter Mr. Beaumont, Arabella and Eugenia.

Arab

Is this the House, Eugenia?

Eug

Yes, Madam.

Arab. G4r 47

Arab

Well, thou art a lucky Girl, to recover my Writings with such
speed.

Eug

Madam, the ’Squire wou’d have parted with a limb, if I had requir’d it.

Beau

Madam, it was your promise, whenever you possest your Fortune,
(tho’ I’m sure I never insisted on’t) you wou’d be mine.

Arab

I have no occasion to break my word, Mr. Beaumont.

Beau

Then I am happy.

Arab

Mrs. Eugenia, will you enquire where these Bride folks are?

Eug

See, Madam, they are coming.

Enter Lady Beauclair, Mrs. Beauclair, Miss Peggy, Sir Francis Wildlove,
Spendall, Lywell.

Arab

Will the ’Squire be here?

Eug

Yes, Madam, I told him of his Cousin’s Marriage, and he seems pleased
his Sister has been trick’d.

Peg

Lard, you, what d’ye bring one to these folks, they’ll do nothing but
jeer us?

Spend

Oh, my dear, carry your self civily, and every body will love ye.

Mrs. B

Sir Charles will be here presently to wish you Joy, Madam?

Lady B

So, then we shall have noise enough, but I’ll be as loud as he, I’ll
warrant him.

Mrs. B

And louder too, or I’m mistaken.

Enter Sir Charles Beauclair.

Sir Char

Neice, why have you dragg’d me to this unwilling Pennance, if
the Girl is ruin’d what is’t to me? my thoughts are full of something else.

Mrs. B

My Uncle, my Father, and my Friend, yet these names do not express
half of my tenderness: The best of Guardians and of Men: pray change
your thoughts of Travel, I’ll study ten thousand things for your Diversion.

Sir Char

Not Angels Eloquence shou’d alter me; I’ll act the uneasie part
no longer, that Woman, the bar to all my Happiness, by Heaven, she’s not
my Wife: ’tis true, the Ceremony of the Church has pass’d between us, but
she knows I went no further.

Mrs. B

Stay then, and live asunder.

Sir Char

No; so, Madam, you’ve married your Daughter.

Lady B

Yes, what then? he has a good Estate, when his Father dies, beside
the present settlement, and ready Mony.

Sir Char

Poor deluded Woman! he has no Estate, nor Relation worth owning,
Mr. Spendall, generous Charity induced me to relieve your wants, you have
betray’d this young woman, but use her well ―― I have not much to say ――
I suppose they were both so willing, a very little pains effected the matter.

Lady B

How, Rascal! Devil! have ye married my Daughter ―― and
have ye nothing, Sirrah?

Spend

Ask Mrs. Peggy that.

Peg

You make one laugh, I vow and swear.

Lady B

Beast! I don’t mean so ―― But have ye no Estate, Sirrah?

Spend

No, faith, Madam, not I; my Wife has enough for us both, and
what’s matter.

Lady B. G4v 48

Lady B

Oh, Dog! Come away, Peggy, we’ll go to Doctors Commons, and
thou shalt be Divorc’d.

Peg

I won’t be Divorc’d, I’ve got a Husband, and I don’t care, I’ll stay
with him.

Spend

That’s kindly said, and I engage you shan’t repent it.

Lady B

Why Counsellor Smart, why Counsellor Smart, did not ye tell
me ――

Sir Fran

Hey day, Counsellor Smart! why this is a Fellow many degrees
worse than your new Son-in-Law. Hearkye Friend, leave this Counterfeiting
Trade ―― or you’ll lose your Ears; Reform, as your Friend has done,
and Marry.

Lyw

Hang him, Rogue: He’s a Smock-fac’d Fellow, and Handsom: I shall
do no good with the Women.

Spend

aside Go, be gone, Devil, don’t disgrace me, I’ll meet you at the
old place.

Exit. Lyw.

Mrs. B

Look what a puff the old Lady’s in ―― Aunt, you always said
you’d match your Daughter your self, you did not desire a cunninger head
than your own.

Lady B

Well, Mrs. “Flippant”! I hope your mad tricks will bring you a Bastard
home at last, and that will be worse.

Sir Char

Nay, Madam, spare my Neice: she ever was most respectful to
you, till you abus’d her beyond all bearing.

Sir Fran

Mind not a mad Woman.

Enter Cheatall.

Cheat

Your servant Gentiles! ―― O La! Sister, I hear strange news, Cousin
Peggy’s married to a Sharper, a Rake, a Bully, they say! I told you so, I
told you so! Gadzooks! you wou’d not be warn’d.

Lady B

Well, Booby! what’s that to you, Dunderhead.

strikes him.

Cheat

Pox take your nasty Fist! you love fighting plaguily.

Lady B

Well, ’twas passion, you may excuse it, when you consider my afflictions
―― To make ye amends, I’ll come live with you, and take car of
your Estate, and Mrs. Arabella’s.

Cheat

No, no, don’t mistake your self, I’ll be a stingy Cur no longer, but
drink my Bottle freely, nor sneak out o’ the Company without paying my
Club, for fear of having my Pocket examined by you.
O Lard! the Ghost! the Ghost.

Seeing Arabella, runs behind Spendall.

Spend

What, is the man mad?

Mrs. B

You don’t understand the whim.

Arab

Come gi’ me thy hand, old Boy, we’ll be Friends; I am no Ghost,
I assure ye.

Cheat

And ―― is not that the Hectoring Spark your Brother, with his
Monsterous whiskers par’d?

Beau

Not her Brother, Sir, but one who hopes to pretend to the Lady, by
another Title.

Cheat

Oh! I find how matters ha’ been carried ―― Much good may d’ye
with her. ―― Gadzooks, she wa’n’t fit for me, ―― I’m a Fool, you know, Sister.

Arab. H1r 49

Arab

You must grant me one Request.

Cheat

What’s that?

Arab

To forgive Gentil; he’s going to be married to Eugenia, but shall
have no Joys without your Pardon.

Cheat

Ay, ay, I forgive him, and leave his Wife to punish him; she has a
Fruitful Invention, let him take care it does not one day fall upon his own head
―― Gentil! I am Friends; and will give thee something towards Housekeeping.

Gent

I thank you, Sir.

Eug

I’m sure, it went to my very heart to fright your Worship so.

Cheat

You are a wheedling Baggage; but ’tis all well, I’m contented.

Enter Mrs. Flywife, in a fright.

Mrs. Flyw

O save me! save me! I’m pursued by a bloody-minded Monster.

Sir Fran

What’s the matter? is it your Husband, Madam?

Mrs. Flyw

’I is my Tyrant, the Devil ’tis.

Enter Flywife, his Hanger drawn.

Cheat

Nay, hold ye, Mistress, don’t ye run behind me; udsbores, so I
may have the sword in my Guts by mistake.

Beau

We’ll all protect the Lady.

Mr. Flyw

Protect! damnation; do but hear how vile a thing it is.

Cheat

Hear! what do I hear, and see! why, sure this is our Brother Allen,
my Sister’s first Husband, we thought dead in the Indies.

Sir Char

What’s that? speak agen, but speak aloud, lest I shou’d only catch
the sound of Happiness, and be deceived.

Mr. Flyw

Has my damn’d Jilt brought me to a greater plague, my Wife?
but I’ll own it to punish her, tho’ I suffer an abominable torment till next fair
wind, the Sea’s my Element; once there, I’m free. Well, I confess I have
found a Wife here. Why stare you so? I am not the first has thought the
sight unpleasing.

Sir Char

No, no, talk on; all are hush’d, as if a midnight silence reigned.

La. Beauc

Who’s this? Are you my first Husband Allen? And did you pretend
you was dead, rather than come to me, Sirrah?

Mr. Flyw

Here’s a fine greeting.

Mrs. Flyw

How! your Husband! he’s mine before Heaven: Mr. Flywife,
won’t you own me, Fubby?

Mr. Flyw

In troth, I think there’s scarce a Pin to chuse; but you have
disoblig’d me last, therefore avant, Strumpet; come hither, thou natural
noisie Spouse.

Mrs. Flyw

That Shape and Face prefer’d to me?

La. Beauc

I’ll be reveng’d of her, I’m resolv’d.

Flies on her.

Mrs. Beau

I’m all Amazement, Sir Francis; save the Lady, because she was
my Friend; return her Ring, that may help console her.

Sir Fran

parting ’em Hold, Ladies, Ladies: March off, here’s the bountiful
Present; come, come, I doubt not but you’ve a private Pocket.

H Mrs. H1v 50

Mrs. Flyw

The Devil take you all.

Exit.

Mrs. Beaum

What Miracle is this? Madam, leave your passion, and explain
it.

Mrs. Peg

Is my own Vather come agen? O La.

Spend

Your own Vather come agen! O La! Then, I fear, your Portion is
not at your own dispose, Miss.

Mrs. Peg

Good Lord! does that disturb ye?

Mr. Flyw

Gentlemen, now your Wonder is a little over, pray let me ask
why all this Company, and why that Gentleman, whom I know not, appears
transported.

Sir FranSir Char.

I’ll tell you, Sir; ’twas my hard Fate to marry your Lady, before
your death was well confirm’d, that kept it some time private, whe, before
we came together, a Quarrel, from her uneasie temper, arose, and I swore
never to bed her; yet, for our Friends and Conveniency’s sake, we seem’d to
live like Man and Wife. Speak, Madam, is this not true?

La. Beauc

Yes, yes, ’tis true, the more shame for ye.

Sir Cha

Here, Sir, receive her, and with her a new Date of Happiness.

Mr. Flyw

I guess my future Happiness by the past; but since it must be so —

Sir Cha

Dear Neice, go to my House, and deliver up whatever is that
Lady’s.

Mrs. Beau

You’ll send to Bellinda?

Sir Cha

My self, my self shall be the Messenger; In my eager Mind I’m already there; Methinks the Earth’s enchanted, and I tread on Air.

Exit.

Mrs. Beau

So, there’s one pleas’d, I’m sure.

Cheat

Well, Brother, you’re welcome home, as I may say: Why, here’s
Cousin Peggy grown up and married since you went.

Mr. Flyw

What! Is that Bud come to the Blossom of Matrimony? all by
the Mother’s Contrivance; a wise business, I believe. Sir, I shall make bold
to examin into your Estate before I give my Daughter any.

Spend

Say ye so? and if you give your Daughter none, I shall prove a second
Mr. Flywife.

Mrs. Peg

What’s that, Bold-face?

Spend

Nothing, Child.

La. Beauc

Ay, that’s a hopeful Match; I could find in my Heart to lock
my self up, and never see your ugly Faces agen.

Exit.

Mrs. Beaum

Let’s follow, and appease her.

Arab

And as we go, you shall tellme what makes Sir Charles thus overjoy’d.

Mrs. Beaum

I will; and when we have done what he desir’d, we’ll go all
to Bellinda’s, there we shall find my Uncle.

Sir Fran

Come, Beaumont, let’s see the end of this surprizing Accident.

Mr. Flyw

How like a Dog a Man looks once escap’d! Forc’d back into the Matrimonial Noose; ’Tis a damn’d Joy to find the Wife I’d loose.

Exit. Scene H2r 51 Scene, Bellinda’s Apartment. On a Table lies her Hood and Scarf.

Bellinda[Speaker label not present in original source]

Sure some unseen Power holds me a moment longer; ah! ’tis no Power,
but foolish Love that shows the paths which carries me from Beauclair, leading
to Death, or, what’s worse, Despair.

Enter Betty.

Bett

Madam, the Coach is ready.

Bell

I’m coming, be sure you let none have admittance.

Goes towards the Table.

Bett

I will not, Madam.

Enter Sir Charles Beauclair.

Bet

Oh, Sir! my Lady charg’d you should not enter.

Sir Cha

Away, you Trifler; where’s my Bellinda?

Bell

This is unmanly; not conquer your Desires, nor obey my positive
Commands!

Sir Cha

Oh, stay and hear me; let me hang upon your Knees, for I am
out of breath, clasp and prattle o’er thee, like a glad Mother when she hugs
her first-born Blessing after the pangs of Death; mine, like hers, is Folly all,
but full of Fondness.

Bell

Oh!

Sir Cha

Sigh not, my Fair; by Heaven I am free from any Chains but thine,
free as thy own clear Soul’s from Vice.

Bell

How! what mean ye? oh, rise, and stop my growing Fears. Where’s
your Wife? is she well?

Sir Cha

Think not so basely of me, she’s well, and in her Husband’s Arms,
oh, my Bellinda! in her Husband’s Arms; her first and only Husband, Allen,
is return’d.

Bell

Forgetting all colder nicer forms, in thy faithful Bosom let me receive
such News.

Sir Cha

My Life.

Bell

My Soul.

embracing.

Sir Cha

Ha! the transporting Joy has caught her Rosie Breath, and those
bright Eyes are in their snowy Lids retir’d: Oh, this is more, much more than
ten thousand words cou’d have express’d. ’Wake, my Bellinda, ’tis thy Beauclair
calls.

Bell

Do not view my blushing Face, I fear I have offended that Virgin Modesty
by me still practis’d and ador’d; now we must stand on forms, till time
and decency shall crown our Wishes.

Sir Cha

My Goddess, Conqueress, by thee for ever I am directed.

Bell

I know thy honest Heart so well, I do not scruple the truth of what
you have said.

Sir Cha

You need not, Dearest; see, all our Friends come to confirm it.

Enter Sir Francis Wildlove, Beaumont, Cheatall, Mrs. Beauclair,
and Arabella.

Mrs. Beauc

Joy to my dear Bellinda.

Arab. H2v 52

Arab

Permit a stranger to rejoyce at the Reward of Virtue and constant
Love.

Bell

Pardon my answers, Ladies, when I confess I scarce know where I am.

Sir Cha

Now I can mind the Affairs of my Friend; Sir Francis, I observe
you very assiduous to my Neice, has she receiv’d you for her servant? and are
you resolv’d on the truest Happiness, Constancy?

Sir Fran

Yes faith, Sir Charles, I am the Lady’s Dog in a string, and have
violent pantings towards the delicious Charmer; I hope she won’t long deferr
my Desires: But let that black Gentleman I’ve so long dreaded do his
worst, he shan’t spoil my stomach.

Mrs. Beauc

Ah! those pantings, Sir Francis, I doubt they have mov’d your
stomach so often, till they’ve quite took it away.

Sir Fran

A little forbearance, and such a tempting meal ――

Sir Cha

to Mr. Beaumont You, Sir, too are blest; I read it in your Eyes,
and see the Lady with ye.

Mr. Beaum

I fear no danger now, but dying of that pleasing Feaver call’d
Rapture.

Cheat

To any man’s thinking, these now are going to Heaven ding dong:
but hear me, Ladies; ’faith, all young handsom fellows talk just so before Matrimony:
seven Years hence let me hear of Pantings, Heavings, and Raptures;
no, Gadzooks, scarce Risings then: I shall live a jolly Batchelor, and
laugh at your indifference, Gadzooks, I shall ――

Mrs. Beau

Well said ’Squire; we wou’d bring him along, Sir Charles, I
think him very good-humour’d to this Lady, and believe his Sister only made
him otherwise.

Sir Cha

I read in every Face a pleasing Joy, but you must give me leave to
think that mine exceeds, rais’d to unexpected Worlds of Bliss, when sunk in
Sorrows and Despair.
Kind Fate, beyond my Hopes, the Weight remov’d,And gave me all, in giving her I lov’d.

Exeunt.

The End.

Errata.

By a mistake in the Copy, which was false Folio’d, the Scene in Sir Charles
Beauclair’s
House, Pag. 32,
should have came in, in the latter part of the
third Act, which ends with,
“Cheat Oh, that ever I should live to see my self hang’d.”