A2r

The womens
sharpe revenge:

Or an answer to Sir Seldome
Sober
that writ those
railing Pamphelets called
the Juniper and Crabtree
Lectures, &c.

Being a sound Reply and
a full confutation of those
Bookes: with an Apology
in this case for the defence
of us women.

Performed by Mary Tattle-well,
and Joane Hit-him-home,
Spinsters.

Imprinted at London by I. O. and are
to be sold by Ja. Becket at his shop
in the inner Temple-gate. 16401640.

A2v A3r

The Epistle of the
Female Frailty, to
the Mal-Gender, in
Generall.

Reader

If thou beest of
the Masculine
Sexe, we meane
thee, and thee onely:
and therefore greete
thee with these attributesA3butesA3v
following: Affable,
Loving, Kinde,

and Courteous: Affable
we call thee, because
so apt (I will not say
to prate but) to prattle
with us: Loving,
in regard that the
least grace being from
us granted, you not
onely vow to love us,
but are loath to leave
us: Kinde, that you
will not meete with
us, without Congies,
not part from us with- A4r
without Kisses: and
Courteous, because so
willing to bring
your selves upon your
Knees before us: more
prone to bow unto
Beauty, than to Baal;
and to Idolatrize to
us, rather than unto
any other Idoll; and
therefore our hope is,
that what you use to
protest in private, you
will not now blush
to professe in publicke:
Otherwise in A4clea-A4v
clearing our Cause,
and vindicating our
owne vertues, wee
shall not doubt to
divulge you, for the
onely dissemblers.

And in this case we
appeale unto your
owne Consciences, even
to the most crabbed
and censorious,
the most sowre and
supercilious, which
of you all hath not
solicited our Sexe?
petitioned to our per-A5r
persons? praised our
perfections? &c. wch
of yonu hath not met
us comming, followed
us flying, guarded
us going, staid for us
standing, waited on
us walking, and ambusht
us lying? use
Women to Court
men? or have wee at
any time complained
of their Coynesse?
Have we bribed them
with our Bounties?
Troubled them with A5our A5v
our Tokens, Poetiz’d
in their praises, prayd
and protested, su’d
and solicited, voted,
and vowed to them?
or rather they to us:
would you apprehend a
new Antipodes, to make
al things to be carried
by a contrary course,
and run retrograde.

Then let the Raddish
Roote plucke the
Gardner up by the
Heeles, and the shoulder
of Mutton put theA6r
the Cooke upon the
Spit: for you as well
may prove the one, as
produce the other.

Yet suffer you us to
be reviled, and railed
at, taunted & terrified,
undervalu’d, and even
vilified, when among
you all wee cannot
find one Champion
to oppose so obstinate
a Challenger, but
that wee are compelled
to call a Ghost
from her Grave, to standA6v
stand up in the defence
of so proud a
defiance. Since then
you will not be Combatants
for us in so
just a cause, wee intreat
you to become
competent Judges,
to censure indifferently
betwixt the Accuser
and the Accused;
to punish his petulancy,
and not to favour
us, if wee bee
found the sole faulty.

So, if you shall give ourA7r
our defamer his due,
and that we gaine the
Honour of the Day:
If you be young men,
we wish you modest
Maides in marriage;
if Batchellours, beautifull
Mistresses; If
Husbands, handsome
wives, and good huswifes:
If widdowers,
wise, and wealthy
widowes: if young,
those that may delight
you; if old, such
as may comfort you: andA7v
and so we women bequeath
unto you all
our best wishes.

From our Mannor of
Make-peace: Dated
the third day of Gander
month, in the year
of Jubile, not of Juniper.

Mary Tattle-well.
Joane Hit him-home.
Spinsters.

The
A8r

The Epistle to the
Reader.

Long Megge of Westminster,
hearing the abuse
offered to Women, riseth
out of her grave, and
thus speaketh:

Why raise you quiet soules
out of the grave?

To trouble their long
sleep? What peevish Knave

Hath A8v

Hath wakned my dead ashes? and
breath’d fire

Into colde embers? never to respire,

Till a new resurrection? so forc’t
now:

(Through innocent Womens clamours)
that I vow,

Th’earth could not hold mee, but I
was compeld

To look on what (’tis long since I beheld)

The Sun and Day; what have wee women
done,

That any one who was a mothers
sonne

Should thus affront our sex? hath he
forgot

From whence hee came? or doth hee
seek to blot

His A9r

His owne conception? Is hee not asham’d,

Within the list of Mankinde to bee
nam’d?

Or is there in that Masculine sex another

(Saving this Monster) will disgrace
his mother?

I Margery, and for my upright
stature

Sirnam’d Long Megge: of well disposed
nature,

And rather for mine honour, then
least scorne

Titled from Westminster, because
there borne.

And so Long Megge of Westminster;
to heare

Our fame so branded, could no way
forbeare

But

But rather than disgest fso great a
wrong,

Must to my ashes give both life and
tongue.

And then (poore Poet) whatsoere
thou beest

That in my now discovery, thy fault
seest.

Confesse thine errour, fall upon thy
knees,

From us, to begge thy pardon by degrees.

Else, I that with my sword and buckler
durst

Front swaggering Ruffians, put them
to the worst.

Of whom, the begging souldier, when
he saw

My angry brow; trembled, and stood
in awe.

I A9v

I that have frighted Fencers from
the Stage,

(And was indeed, the wonder of mine
Age,

For I have often, to abate their
prides,

Cudgeld their coats & lamm’d their
legs and sides.

Crosse mee no Tapster durst at any
rate,

Lest I should break his Jugs about his
pate.

’Tis knowne the service that I did at
Bulloigne,

Beating their French armes close unto
their woollein:

They can report, that with my blows
and knocks

I made their bones ake, worse then
did the Pocks.

Of A10r

Of which King Henry did take notice
then,

And said; “amongst my brave and
valiant men,

I know not one more resolute, or
bolder”
,

And would have laid his sword upon
my shoulder,

But that I was a woman: And shall I

Who durst so proud an Enemy defie?

So fam’d in field, so noted in the
Frenches,

A president to all our Brittish Wenches,

Feare to affront him; or his soule to
vexe,

Who dares in any termes, thus taunt
our sex?

Therefore relent thine errour I
advise thee

Else A10v

Else in what shame soere thou shalt disguise
thee,

I shall inquire thee out: nay, if thou
should

Take on thee all those figures Proteus
could,

It were in vaine: nay, (which the
more may daunt thee)

Even to the grave, I vow my ghost
shall haunt thee.

Therefore, what’s yet amisse, strive
to amend,

Thou knowest thy doom, if farther
thou offend.

The A11r
They otherA11r-A12v; pp.xviii-xxi B1r 1

The womens
sharpe Revenge:
Or,
An Answer to Sir Seldome
Sober
, that writ those
scandelous Pamphlets,
called the Juniper
and Crab-tree
Lectures.

The Introduction.
As from several causes
proceed sundry
effects, so from
several actions arise sundry BhonoursB1v 2
honours with the addition
of Names and Titles annexed
unto them: neither
need wee stand to prove
that by argument, which
wee finde by dayly experience.
As for example,
some are raised for their
wealth, others for their
worth; some by the Law,
others by their learning:
Some by Martiall Discipline;
and (by your favour
too) others for malicious
detraction, as thinking
to rise by others ruines,
and by supplanting others,
to support themselves. In
which number wee must
ranke you Master Satyrist, theB2r 3
the passionate Author of
those most pittiful pamphlets
called the Juniper
Lectures
, and Crab-tree Lectures;
who by your meere
Knavery, ambitious to
purchase Knight-hood, &
to adde a sir-reverence to
A Title
Which we
women
bestow upon
our
Godson,
the Author
of
those Lectures.
your name, are now arrived
to the height of your
Aime, and from plaine
Seldome Sober, are now
come to the Title of Sir
Seldome Sober
, who wee
terme so, for he is ashamed
to set his name to bookes;
a Name fitting his Nature,
and well complying
with his condition.

And as there have beene B2for-B2v 4
formerly, by your meanes,
Sir Seldome Sober, many
railing, bitter, invective
Pasquills, and Scurrilous
Libels, some written, some
printed, and all disperst
and scattered abroad, all
of them made and forg’d
on purpose to callumniate,
revile, despight, jeere, and
flout women: and now
lately one or two of the
The Juniper
Crabtree,
and
Wormewood
Lectures.
sonnes of Ignorance have
pen’d three severall, sweet,
filthy, fine ill-favoured
Pamphlets, which are
Printed, and (out of the
most deepe shallownesse
of the Authors aboundant
want of Wisedom) they areB3r 5
And a new
Lecture
called the Bolster
Lecture.
are called Lectures, as the
Juniper Lecture, the Crab-
tree Lecture
, & the Wormwood
Lecture
, wherein they
have laid most false aspersions
upon all women generally:
some they have
taxed with incontinency,
some with uncivility, some
with scolding, some with
drinking, some with backbiting
and slandering their
neighbours, some with a
continual delight in lying,
some with an extraordinary
desire of perpetuall gossipping:
in a word, we are
each of us accused and blazed
to bee addicted and
and frequently delighted B3withB3v6
with one grievous enormity
or other, wherein, although
it be true, that we
are all the daughters of Eve
in frailty, yet they might
have remembred that they
likewise are all the sons of
Adam, in failing, falling, &
offending. We are not so
partial in the defence of all
Womens vertues, that we
thereby doe hold none to
be vicious. Some are incontinent
by Nature (or
inheritance) from their
Mothers; some through
extreame want and poverty
have beene forced to
make more bold with
that which is their owne, thenB4r 7
then to begge, steale, or
borrow from others: Some
(by the harsh usage of
their too unkinde husbands)
have beene driven
to their shifts hardly: some
having had the hard fortune
to match with such
Coxecombes, as were jealous
without a cause, have
by their suspitious, dogged,
and crabbed dealing
towards their wives, given
too often, and too much
cause to make their jealousie
true. And whereas a
Womans reputation is so
poore, that if it be but so
much as suspected, it will
belong before the suspitionB4onB4v8
will be cleared: but if
it be once blemished or
tainted, the staines and
spots are of such a tincture,
that the dye of the blemishes
will sticke to her all
her life time, and to her
Children after her. But
for the man hee takes or
assumes to himselfe such a
loose liberty, or liberty of
licentious loosenesse, that
though he be (as they call
it) a Common Towne.
Bull, or a runner at sheepe
though hee passe the censures
of spirituall courses,
or high Commissions, yet
(by custome) his disgrace
will be quickly worne out, and B5r 9
and say it was but a tricke
of youth: for the shame
Nay rather
a
whoremunger.
or scandall of a whoremaster
is like a nine dayes
wonder, or a Record
written in sand, or like a
suit of Tiffany, or Cobweb
Lawne, soone worne
out: but the faults of a
weake Woman, are a continuall
alarum against her,
they are ingraven in brasse,
and like a suit of Buffe, it
may be turn’d, and scour’d
and scrapt, and made a
little cleanly, but it lasts
the whole life time of the
wearer. But to come to
the worke in hand, as you
you have a Title bestowed B5 upon B5v
upon you by your backe
friends, and we thinke
deservedly.

So wee have knowne
some, who have arrived to
that Worshipfull Title
through favour also, rather
than desert, and more
by voyces than their vertues,
meerely by the mad
sufrage of the many headed
monster Multitude, which
consisteth of Man: yet upon
better advice, and more
Mature Consideration,
when their merits and
misdemeanours have been
more narrowly sifted, and
looked into (being well
compared together) they haveB6r 11
have not onely beene discrac’d,
but degraded: so
that now that worshipfull
worke for which you have
beene so much magnified
by the Masculines, being
now called into question
by a Feminine Jury of women.
It is thought after a
The first opinion
of
the Jury of
women.
true and just examination
thereof to bee meerely
villified, and that it is nothing
but a meere scandalous
report, and therefore
most justly condemned by
the unanimous assent of all
our Sexe; before whom,
your Bartholmew Faire
Booke, and most lying
Lectures, hath not onely beenB6v 12
beene convented, but arraigned,
lawfully convicted,
and most justly condemned.

Now because no equall
and indifferent censure
shall any way justly except
at, the Jury that went
upon the cause: they were
these. Twelve good women
and true which will
give you in order.

The 12
women
which are
chosen for
the Jury.
The fore-woman, who
had the first and prime
voyce, who gave up the
Verdict, was Sisley set him
out
, Sarah set on his skirts,
Kate call him to account,
Tomasin Tickle him, Prudence
pinch him
, Franke firkhimB7r13
him, Besse bind him, Christian
Commit him
, Parnel
punish him
, Mall make
him yeeld
, Beterish banish
him
, Hellen Hang him.

Now if this be not a
competent Jury, not to bee
excepted at, and a legall
Triall, no way to be revoked,
we appeale unto you
men, our greatest adversaries,
and most violent abaters
of our injuries.

And yet further to make
the cause more plaine and
evident of our sides, wee
thought it good in our
better consideration, not
onely to publish unto the
world, the calumnies and slandersB7v14
slanders asperst upon us:
But our just Articles objected
against him, and
by comparing them together,
to distinguish so betwixt
them, that the truth
may grow apparent.

Their opinion
of
what profession
the
Author
was.
But first touching the
person who put these
foule and calumnious
aspersions upon us: If hee
were a Tailer, most sure he
was a womans Tailer, or
(if so) no good Artist, because
not being able to
take the measure of a womans
body, much lesse
was he powerfull to make
a true dimension of her
minde, (and therein you areB8r 15
are gone Master Tayler)
nay, what Artist soever
you were, (for in one I
include all) most of you
have Wives and Children,
and love them, and are indulgent
over them, and
wherefore then doe you
incourage such invectives
against us? If you beeing
of your selves lewd, we be
loving: wee well tutord,
you untoward: we familiar
you froward: we doating,
and you dogged: and
what wee get by spinning
in the day, you spend in
the night, and come reeling
from the Taverne or
the Alehouse: Is the faultours? B8v16
our? or are wee worthy
any to bee blamed for
this?

First they
find him
no scholar.
Next in our Curious
Inquisition and search, we
finde him moreover to be
no Schollar at all, as neither
understanding us in
our Gender, Number, nor
Case, &c.

Not in one Gender,
They
prove him
to be none.
for in all the Creatures
that were ever made, there
is a mutuall love, and an
alternate affection betwixt
the Male and the Female:
for otherwise there would
be no Generation at all.
But this most approved
consociety by all his industrydustryB9r17
and endeavour hee
striveth to annihilate,
and disanull, forgetting
that even hee himselfe
by the same Unity
and Unanimity, had
his first originall and being.

Wherein
his failing
is.
Then he faileth in Number,
by making all of us in
generall, not onely to bee
wayward, but wicked, tedious,
but troublesome,
lazy, but loathsome, with
many of the like enormities:
and indeed we know
not what his inveterate
malice or madnes would
stretch unto: when, if
perchance there may bee foundB9v18
found a singular Number
of such delinquents, yet
there may bee a plurall,
(and that stretcheth beyond
all limit and account)
who never transgrest;
or fell into those
grosse errours, of which
he so Satyrically accuseth
our Sexe.

He is quite
out in all
the Cases
But in our Cases hee is
most horrible out, and directly
opposeth all the
Rules of Grammer. For
instance,

First, in
the Nomnative.
In the Nominative, by
calling us out of our
Names, and in the stead of
Maidenly Modest, Matron-like,
&c. to brand usB10r19
us with the Characters of
scoulds, vixens, praters,
pratlers, and all the abusive
Epithites that spleene
or malice can invent, or
devise.

Second, in
the Genetive.
In the Genetive, by making
us to be loose, lascivious,
wanton, wilfull,
inconstant, incontinent,
and the Mothers of misbegotten
Children, by
which hee unadvisedly
bringeth himselfe within
the doubtfull suspition of
spuriousnesse, and Bastardy.

Third, in
the Dative
In the Dative, by giving
and conferring upon our
geneneral Sex, such strange andB10v 20
and almost unheard of aspertions:
which as we have
little desir’d, so we never
deserv’d, forgetting that
he includeth his Mother,
Sisters, & Nieces, Daughters;
nay, his own bosome
wife, (if hee have any in
the same Catalogue.)

Fourth, in
the Accusative.
In the Accusative, by
false calumnies, and injust
Accusation contrary to
all Schollar-ship: as ignorant,
that “Fœmineo generi
tribuuntur―――― Propria
quae maribus”
.

Fifth, in
the Vocative.
In the Vocative, because
it is like to the nomnative.

Sixt, in the
Ablative.
In the Ablative, becausecauseB11r
he striveth to take away
our credits, reputations,
Fame, good Name,
&c. All which argue, and
approve, that hee was in
a bad Moode, and worse
Tence at the Writing
of those malicious Lectures.

He is no
Poet.
A Poet sure hee could
not be: for not one of
them but with all his industry
strived to celebrate
the praises of some Mistris
or other: as for example,
Amongst the Greekes,
Aristophanes, Meander,
&c. Amongst the Romans,
Catullus his Lesbir,
Gallus his Licoris, Ovid B11v 22
and Ovid his Corina. Amongst
the Spaniards,
George de Monte major his
Diana; and Aulius March
his Tyresa. Amongst the
Italians, Petroch his Laura,
&c. And of our owne
Nation, Learned Master
Spencer his Rosalinde, and
Sam.Samuel Daniel his Delia
&c.

Now to make the case
They
make the
case plain.
more plaine and evident
of our sides, wee have
thought it good to publish
unto the World those
matters of which hee was
arraigned, and now justly
convicted. The first was
scoffing and taunting at ourB12r 23
our Sexe in generall: now
who knowes not, but that
Quips and Scoffes are nothing
else but the depraving
of the Actions of others,
the overflowing of
wits, and the superfluous
soummes of conceite, and
for the most partt, asking
others of those errours of
which themselves stand
most guilty; and hee that
playeth the scoffing foole
best, though it may bee in
him a signe of some wit,
yet it is an argument of no
wisedome at all. Adders
keep their venome in their
Tayles, but the poyson of
a Buffone lyeth in his tongue,B12v24
tongue, and faults wilfully
committed by mocking
cannot be satisfied, or recompensed
by repentance.
But better it is for a man
Better for
a man to
be borne
foolish,
then to
imploy his
wits unwisely.
obscuredto bee borne
foolish, than to imploy
his wit unwisely; for mockery
is nothing else, but an
Artificiall injury, and wee
finde by proofe, that there
be more mockers, than
well meaners; and more
that delight in foolish prating,
then that practice
themselves in wholesome
precepts; we must confesse
that to jest is tollerable,
but to doe harme by jestings,
is insufferable; for itC1r 25
it is too late to prevent
ill, after ill committed, or
to amend wrong after injury
received. Many
things that are sweete in
the Mouthe, may prove
bitter in the stomacke
and scoffes pleasant to the
eare, may be harsh to the
better understanding. But
whosoever shal undertake
in his curiosity of Wit, to
deride an innocent, either
with flattery or foolery,
shall but delude himselfe
in his owne insufficiency
and folly: for as the fairest
Beauty may prove
faulty, so even the wittiest
scoffe may prove ridiculous:C lousC1v26
And notwithstanding
all those Fooles bolts, so
fondly aimed, and so suddenly
shot, we have this
Sentence from one of the
Wise men, to comfort us,
that losse which is sustained
with modesty, is
much better than the
gaine purchased by impudence.
Nay, to bee accounted
a Princes Jester,
is to be esteemed no better
than a meere mercinary
Foole. And this Railer
being in a lower ranke, as
having dependance upon
none but his owne defamatory
Pen, what Epithite
bad enough may we deviseC2r27
devise to conferre upon
him; but we remember
thus much, since wee first
read our Accidence.

“Quæ vult, quæ no vult
audiet.”
“Thus Englished. He that to speake will not
forbeare,
More (then he would have
spoke) shall heare.”

The second
thing
he stands
convicted
of is Detraction.
The second thing of
which he standeth convicted,
is detraction and
slander, which is the superfluity
of a cankered heart,
overcome with Choler, C2andC2v28
and wanting meanes and
opportunity of desired revenge,
growes into scandalous
and reproachfull
speeches. The Testates
of Hate and Malice, whose
condition is to call Innocence
into question, thogh
not able to prove ought against
it: and such are
worse to us than Vipers,
for those when we spie we
kill them; but these when
we cherish they kill us. It
is observ’d that the corrupt
heart discovereth it selfe
by the lewd tongue, and
those that speake evill of
Women, are held no better
than Monsters amonst goodC3r 29
good men; but such for
the most part, who seeke
to bring others into hatred,
have in processe of
time growne odious even
to themselves: but
such may be compared to
him, which bloweth the
powder that flusheth into
his owne face, and
troubleth his seeing: nay
such are said to murther
three at once; first, himselfe,
next, him that gives
eare to his scandals and reports
them after him; and
lastly, him whose good
name hee seeketh to take
away; not considering,
that Nature hath bestowedC3edC3v30
upon us two eares, and
two eyes, yet but one
tongue; which is an Embleme
unto us, that
though we heare and see
much, yet ought wee to
speake but little: They
that can keepe their
Tongues keepe their
friends; for few words
cover much Wisedome,
and even fooles being silent
have past for wise
men. But the Proverbe
is, that even those that
but listen, or give encouragement
to scandall,
or mis-report, deserve to
lose their hearing, if not
their eares.

And C4r 31

And therefore, gentle
Reader, beleeve not every
smooth Tale that is told,
neither give too much
credit to the Plaintiffe
before you heare the Defendant
Apology for himselfe,
lest through light
trust thou bee deceived,
and by thy too easie beliefe,
manifestly deluded.

But it is the fashion of
all these calumniating
Coxecombes, to bite those
by the backe, whom they
know not how to catch
by the bellies.

A third
thing objected
and
proved against

him.
The third thing objected,
and proved upon him,
is palpable lying; against C4which,C4v 32
which, the Ægptyians
made a Law, that who so
used it should not live.
The like did the Scithians,
the Garamants, the
Persians, and the Indians.
Now how much hee hath
belyed the worthinesse of
our Sexe, I appeale to any
understanding Reader,
who hath purused his
Bookes, if hee have not
branded us with many
a false and palpable untruth,
as shall bee made
more apparent hereafter,
when we come to the enrowling
of his Books, and
anatomizing his Lectures.
But is is an old said Saw, andC5r 33
and a true: We cannot
better reward a Lyer, then
in not believing any thing
that he speaketh: so odious
is the very name, that
in the opinion of many,
a Thiefe may be preferred
before him: for it is his
property to take upon
him the habite and countenance
of Honesty, that
he may the more secretly
insinuate, and more subtilly
deceive by his Knavery.

They indite
him
of Heresie
He was indited also of
Heresie, and false opinion,
which hath power to
make men arme themselves
one against another,C5ther,C5v34
and all of them against
us. It is borne of
Winde, and fed by imagination,
never judging
rightly of any thing as it
is indeed, but as it seemes
to bee, making what it
probable improvable; and
impossibilities, possibilities:
nay, it is of such force,
that it overthroweth the
love betwixt man and
wife, Father and Child,
Friend and Friend, Master
and Servant: nay
more, it is as the Spring
and Fountaine of seditione;
and who knowes not
but all sedition is evill,
how honest soever thegroundC6r35
ground be pretended.

They
prove him
perjur’d.
And last of perjury, in
making breach of that
oath which he made when
he was first marryed: for
in the stead of taking his
Wife to have and to hold,
for better and worse:
with my body I the worship,
with all my worldly
goods I thee endow, &c.
hee hath runne a course
cleane contrary to all this,
in taunting and scoffing,
baiting and abusing, rayling
and reviling at all
our Sexe in generall,
from which number even
his wife to whom hee
vowed all the former, and whoC6v 36
who nightly sleepeth, or
ought to sleepe in his bosome,
is not excluded: or
say that she was of a perverse
and turbulent spirit,
a crabbed or curst condition,
or a dissolute and divellish
disposition. Say
that she was given to gadding
and gossiping, to
revelling or royoting (so
that hee might very well
sing, “I cannot keepe my
Wife at home”
) or say that,
not without just cause, she
might make him jealous:
what is this to the generality
of the Female Gender?
one Swallow makes
not a Summer: nor for theC7r 37
the delinquency of one,
are all to be delivered up
to censure? As there was
a Lais, so there was a Lucrece:
And a wise Cornelia,
as there was a wanton Corina:
And the same Sexe
that hath bred Malefactors,
hath brought forth
Martyrs.

Strong arguments.
An this is an argument
which we might amplifie
even from the Originall
of all History; nay, and
would not spare to doe it,
had wee but the benefit
of your breeding.

But it hath beene the
policy of all parents, even
from the beginning to curbeC7v38
curbe us of that benefit,
by striving to keep us under,
and to makes us mens
meere Vassailes even unto
all posterity. How else
comes it to passe, that
when a Father hath a numerous
issue of Sonnes
and Daughters, the sonnes
forsooth they must bee
first put to the Grammar
schoole, and after perchance
sent to the University,
and trained up in the
Liberall Arts and Sciences,
and there (if they
prove not Block-heads)
they may in time be booklearned:
And what doe
they then? read the Poets C8r39
Poets perhaps, out of
which, if they can picke
out any thing maliciously
devised, or malignantly
divulged by some mad
Muse, discontented with
his coy or disdainfull Mistris;
then in imitation of
them, he must divide some
passionate Elogy, and pittifull
ay-me: and in the
stead of picking out the
best Poets, who have strived
to right us, follow
the other, who doe nothing
but raile at us, thinking
he hath done his Mistris
praise, when it may
bee hee hath no Mistris at
all, but onely feignes to him-C8v 40
himselfe some counterfeit
Phillis, or Amarillis;
such as had never any
person, but a meere ayery
name: and against them
hee must volly out his
vaine Enthusiasmes, and
Raptures, to the disgrace
and prejudice of our
whole Sexe.

The reason
why
women
are not so
learned as
men.
When we, whom they
stile by the name of weaker
Vessells, though of
a more delicate, fine, soft,
and more plyant flesh, and
therefore of a temper
most capable of the best
Impression, have not that
generous and liberall Educations,
lest we should beeC9r 41
bee made able to vindicate
our owne injuries,
we are set onely to the
Needle, to pricke our
fingers: or else to the
Wheele to spinne a faire
thread for our owne undoings,
or perchance to
some more durty and deboyst
drudgery: If wee
be taught to read, they
then confine us within the
compasse of our Mothers
Tongue, and that limit
wee are not suffered to
passe; or if (which sometimes
happeneth) wee
be brought up to Musick,
to singing, and to dancing,
it is not for any be-C9v42
benefit that thereby wee
can ingrosse unto our
selves, but for their own
particular ends, the better
to please and content their
licentious appetites, when
we come to our maturity
and ripenesse: and thus if
we be weake by Nature,
they strive to makes us
more weake by our Nurture.
And if in degree of
place low, they strive by
their policy to keepe us
more under.

Now to shew wee are
no such despised matter as
you would seeme to make
us, come to our first Creation,
when man was madeof C10r43
of the meere dust of the
earth, the woman had her
being from the best part
of his body, the Rib next
to his heart: which difference
even in our complexions
may bee easily decided.
Man is of a dull, earthy,
and melancholy aspect,
having fallowoes in
in his face, and a very forrest
upon his Chin, when
our soft and smooth
Cheekes are a true representation
of a delectable
garden of intermixed Roses
and Lillies.

In what
the Women
agree
to.
We grant it for a truth,
that as there is no sword
made of steele, but it hath Iron,C10v
Iron: no fire made of the
sweetest Wood, but it
hath Smoake: Nor any
Wine made of the choysest
Grapes, but it hath
Lees: So there is no
Woman made of flesh,
but she hath some faults.
And I pray you are there
any men, who are not
subject to the like frailties.

Aspertions
laid upon
Women.
Others have said that
Closets of Womens
thoughts are alwayes open;
and the depth of
their hearts hath a string
that reacheth to their
Tongues: and say this
be granted, may wee not alsoC11r 45
also say of mens breasts
that lye unvaild to entertaine
all vices: and whatsoever
they cannot sufficiently
twatle with their
Tongues, they cannot
contain themselves there,
but the must publish it
with their Pennes: (one
of the grand faults of
which our arch Adversary
at this present standeth
convicted.)

Women
the true
glory of
Angels.
I have heard from the
mouth of the learned, that
a faire, beautifull, & chaste
woman was the perfect Image
of her Creator, the
true glory of Angels, the
rare myracle of Earth andC11v 26
and the sole wonder of
Women
are the
best Creatures
on
earth.
the World: and more over
that the man who is married
to a peaceable and
vertuous wife, being on
earth hath attained Heaven,
being in want hath
arrived to wealth, being
in woe is possest of weale,
and being in care enjoyeth
comfort; but contrarily
of man, who ever gave
such a Noble Character?

But I will not incist too
long upon this argument,
though it might be strong
there by the authority
both of President and History,
least we might bee
critically taxed of selfeloveloveC12r47
and flattery. And
yet that wee may make a
safe fortification and Bulwarke
against our Adversaries
so violent assault and
Battery, give us leave to
proceed a little further.

What
brave men
have writ
in womens
praise.
If wee bee so contemptible
growne either in
Quality and Condition,
in Conversation or Deportment,
in Name, or
Nature, how comes it
that so many elaborate
Pennes have beene imployed
in our prayse, and
there have beene such
witty Encomiums Writ
in our Commendation?
such as have sweld Volumes,lumes,C12v48
and enricheth Liberaries.
What Oades,
Hymnes, Love-songs, and
Laudatories, in all kinde
of sweete measure and
number have not beene
by Poets devised to extoll
the beauties and vertues
of their Mistrisses?
What power have they
not cald upon? and
what Muse not invoakt,
that they might give them
their full meed & merit?
by which only, divers have
attained to the honour of
the Lawrell, amongst all
Nations, Tongues, and
Language in all Frequency
from Antiquity.

Were D1r 49

Were it a thing new or
rare, or of late birth, it
perhaps might be cald into
some suspition and
question: but carrying
with it the reverence of
Age, Antiquity, and Custome,
what can we hold
him but some novice in
knowledge, and childe in
knowledge, and childe in
understanding, that shall
presume or dare any kinde
of way to contradict it.

But there are many malevolent
and ill disposed
persons, who having by
all crafty and subtle
Traines insidiated the
chastities as well of maids
as Matrons, making no Ddistin-D1v 50
distinction betwixt wives
and Matrons, who being
disappoynted in their ill
purpose, by the vertues of
of those good Women,
whom they thought to
vitiate, have presently
growne into such a passionate
Fury, and melancholy
madnesse, that having no
other meanes to revenge
themselves, they have studied
how by their tongues
to trouble them, or by
their penns traduce them:
And so, whose bodies they
could not compasse, their
good Names they would
corrupt, and of such, this
Age affords too many, whichD2r51
which (alas the while)
makes a great sort of us
much to suffer in our reputations:
but wee againe
comfort our selves with
this poore Cordiall, That
of sufferance commeth
ease: and though truth
may be blamed, yet can
never be shamed.

Other examples.
Others there are, who
of their ill fortune hath
beene to light upon a bad
match, a Shrow, a Wanton,
or the like, (as there
are of all sorts in all sexes)
they set downe their rest
there, and seeke no farther,
but measure all other
mens Corne by their D2owneD2v52
owne bushell, as thinking
none can bee rich because
he himselfe is a Banquerupt;
which is just as if a
man that by chance shall
cut his finger, should ever
after refuse the use of a
knife; or having scorcht
his hand, sweare never to
warme him at the fire, or
having bin pincht with a
straight shooe, now all
his life time to goe barefoot.

If women
be so bad,
why doe
men proffer
their
service &
love to
them.
Further, if wee were
such toyes and trifles, or so
vile and vitious, as our
adversarie striveth to
make the world beleeve
we are; how comes this seeking,D3r53
seeking, this suing; this
Courting, this cogging;
this prating, this protestting;
this vowing, this
swearing, but onely to
compasse a smile, a kind
looke; a favour, or a good
word from one of us? can
any be so simple to seeke
his affliction? or so sottish
to sue for his owne ruine?
what foole would trouble
himselfe to find his owne
torment? or what Coxecombe
pursue his owne
confusion? Is he not worse
than franticke, that desires
his owne fall? and more
than a mad man that hunteth
after his owne misery?D3ThenD3v54
Then by consequence, if
we be apish and waggish,
wilfull and wanton; such
cares, such burdens, such
troubles, such torments,
such vexation, such Serpents,
such Syrens, or such
may-games, or rather monsters
as you would make
If men see
such dangers
in
women,
why doe
they not
let them
alone.
of us: why cannot you let
us alone, and leave us to
our owne weakenes and
imperfections? if then seeing
such palpable danger
before your eyes, and you
wilfully run into it; if you
see Hell gates open, and
you violently enter them:
are you not more simple
than babes and Children? nayD4r 55
nay than Fooles, Cockscombes,
Frantickes and
mad men; Epithites attributes
not without your
owne gilt, most justly and
deservedly throwne upon
you.

And much good may
they doe you, I pray you
weare them for our sakes
as the best favours you
have merited from us;
whilst wee in the interim
strive to vindicate our
Sexe from all vainely supposed,
but voluntary suggested
calumnies.

Wee have heard of a
Gun-pouder Treason plotted
by men, but never D4heardD4v56
heard since the beginning
Women
were never
Actors
of Gunpowder

Treasons.
of the world such a divelish
& damned Stratagem
devised by women; and
yet you are the Masculine
milke-sops that dare doe
nothing, and we the Feminine
undertakers, that
dare to enterprize all
things. Can you reade of
any female gilty of the like
inhumane acts? or was
any one of our Sexe ever
nominated to be conscious
Women
have no
hand in
any Conspiracy.
of trayterous conspiracy
against their King and
Country? nay rather, women
have bin sorry, that
through the lusts and importunity
of men, they haveD5r 57
have bin forced to bee the
mothers of such monsters:
and therefore Sir Seldome
Sober
, it may bee presuppos’d,
that when you writ
this bitter invective, you
were either in your holyday
and hic-up healths, in
your bouzing Cups, and
bouncing Cans; and had
got a politicke pot in your
pate, or you were else in
your deadly dumps and
drowsie dreames, which
were so violent at that
time upon you, that they
made you destitute of
knowledge, and quite
voyd of understanding.

It is further knowne, D5thatD5v58
Women
never rebelled,
or
cōmenced
Suites of
Law
against the
King.
that when men out of
their vaine ambitious fooleries
have commenced
Warre one against the other,
when a City hath
bin besieged, and the fainthearted
men have bin ready
to give it up to spoile
and ransacke: The women
have stood up, man’d and
maintained the walls, and
What
brave actions
womē
have performed

from time
to time.
stopt and defended the
Breaches, whilst your
brave male Martialists
have bin ready to beray
their breeches; beate the
enemy out of their Trenches,
sav’d their selves
from prostitution, their
City from desolation, and theirD6r59
their Husbands and Children
from captivity and
bondage.

Nay more, it is authentically
recorded, that when
two Provinces of Greece
fought together, and the
one party fled and gave
way to the Enemy: The
wives & mothers of these
which were distressed stopped
them in their flight,
and shewing themselves
naked above the navell,
cald unto them and rated
them for their Cowardise,
demanding of them whether
they went to cover
themselves, in the places
from whence they first cameD6v 60
came, and were first
conceived, and to be buried
where they were borne;
at which sight they were
so abashed and ashamed,
that they tooke fresh courage;
and turning their
faces from them upon the
enemy, they gained thereby
a great and glorious
victory.

Some doe accuse us to be
The reasons
why
women
are accused
for lying.
much given to lying; indeed
I must confesse it to
be a fault in the most of
the best Wives: yet I
would have our detractor
to know that every excuse
is not a lye, or if it bee,
then are most Husbands behol-D7r 61
beholding to their Wives
for excusing them too often
in lying to save their
credits: for alas (poore
wretches) we are faine to
hide and cover their faults
and imperfections with
our poore excuses, as for
example; if one of them be
crewell, crabbed, and currish,
that hee will snap,
snarle, and bite with his
dogged language and conditions,
then the poore
woman (like a foole) reports
him to be a kind, loving,
and affectionate husband,
ergo she lyes; another
knowes her Husband
to bee a wicked Whorehunter,hunter,D7v62
and that he doth
(in a manner) keepe a
Trull or two under her
nose; yet shee will say her
nose; yet shee will say her
Husband is a very honest
man: ergo she lyes too. A
third spends most of his
time in drinking or gameing,
and his poore wife
is so kind, as to acknowledge
him for a good
painefull, sober, and civill
Husband, and I am sure
she lyes abhominable. I
could insist further into
such particulars, but these
are sufficient to shew that
the most part of women
being lyers, is onely out of
goodnesse to coverthe D8r63
the faults and abuses of
wicked men.

No woman
so
full of inormities

as men
are.
Whereas they taxe us of
incivillity, I would have
any indifferent man or
woman to take notice,
that it is a very hard winter
when one Wolfe doth
eate another, or when the
Kill doth upbraid the Oven
for being burnt; for
though we doe not brag,
or prate, (like the boasting
vaine-glorious Pharisee)
that wee are not like
other folks in conditions,
or (in a word not worthy
to compare with men for
their unknowne invisible
good parts and qualities)yetD8v64
yet surely, we neither can,
or doe run head-long into
such impious inormities;
with such uncontroulable
violence as they doe: as
if they were Created for
no other use or purpose,
then to sweare, blaspheme,
quarrell, be drunke, game,
Rore, Whore, murder,
steale, cheat; & in briefe,
to be daily practisers and
Proficients in the most
liberall seven deadly Sins:
and these are the excellent
civill behaviours of those
man-like monsters that
doe taxe women generally
with incivillity.

If women be proud (or adictedD9r65
If we women
bee
adicted to
pride, it is
long of
you men.
adicted to pride) it is ten
to one to be laid, that it is
the men that makes them
so; for like inchaunters,
they doe never leave or
cease to bewitch & charme
poore women with their
flatteries, perswading us
that our beauty is incomperable,
our complexion of
white and red, like Straberies
and Creame; our
cheekes like damaske Roses
covered with a veile of
Lawne, our lips are Corall,
our teeth Ivory, our haires
Gold, our eyes Chrystall,
or Sunns, or Load-stars,
or Loves Darts: our glances
Launces, our voyces, ourD9v 66
our breathes perfum’d
Musicke, our vertues Immortall,
and our whole
frame, feature, and composure
Celestiall.

When I was a young maid
of the age of fifteene, there
came to mee in the wooing
way, very many of those Flyblowne
Puf-past Suitors:
amongst the rest, one of them
was as brave a Gentleman,
as any Tayler could make
him: he under-went the
noble Title of a Captaine, &
if I had made triall of him,
I doubt not but I might
have found him a most desperate
Chamber Champion,
for he did scent of the MuskCatCatD10r 97
instead of the Musket,
he was an Ambergreace
gallant, that once was a valient
Tilting Rush-breaker
at the married of the Lady
Josinqua, daughter to the
Duke of Calabria, verily he
was a dainty purfum’d carpet
Captaine, a powdred Potentate,
a painted Periwig
frizled, frounced, Geometricall
curious Glas-gazer, a
comb’d, curl’d and curried
Commander, a resolute profest
Chacer or hunter of
fashions, and a most stiffe,
printed, bristled, beardstarcher.

This Captaine Complement,
with his Page Implement,plement,D10v68
laid hard Siege
to the weake Fortresse of
my fraile Carkasse, hee
would sweare that his
life or death were either
in my accepting or rejecting
his suite, he would
lye and flatter in prose, &
cogge and foyst in verse
most shamefully; he would
sometimes salute me with
most delicious Sentences,
which he alwayes kept in
sirrup, and hee never came
to me empty mouth’d or
handed; for hee was never
unprovided of stew’d Annagrams,
bak’d Epigrams,
sows’d Madrigalls, pickled
Round delayes, broyld Sonnets,D11r69
Sonnets, parboild Elegies,
perfum’d poesies for Rings,
and a thousand other such
foolish flatteries, and knavish
devices which I suspected,
and the more hee
striv’d to over-come mee,
or win mee with Oathes,
promises & protestations,
still the lesse I beleev’d
him; so that at last hee
grew faint at the Siege,
gave over to make any
more Assaults, and vanquish’d
with despaire
made a finall Retreat. In
like manner I wish all women
and maids in generall,
to beware of their guilded
Glosses; an enamoured ToadeD11v80
Toade lurkes under the
sweet grasse, and a faire
tongue hath bin too often
the varnish or Embrodery
of a false heart; what are
they but lime-twiggs of
Lust, and Schoole-masters
of Folly? let not their
foolish fancy prove to bee
your braine-sicke frenzy;
for if you note them, in all
their speech or writings,
you shall seldome or never
have any word or sillable
in the praise or goodnesse,
or true vertue to come
from them; their talke
shall consist either of
wealth, strength, wit, beauty,
lands, fashions, Horses, Hawkes,D12r81
Hawkes, Hounds, and
many other triviall and
transitory toyes, which as
they may be used are bles
sings of the left Hand,
wherewith they obscured entice
and intrap poore silly yong
tender-hearted Females
to be enamoured of their
good parts (if they had
any) but if men would lay
by their trickes, slights,
false-hoods and dissimulations:
and (contrarily) in
their conversing with us,
use their tongues and pens
in the praise of meekenes,
modesty, chastity, temporance,
constancy, and piety;
then surely women wouldD12v72
would strive to be such as
their discourses did tend
unto: for wee doe live in
such an age of pollution,
that many a rich wicked
man will spend willingly,
and give more to corrupt
and make spoyle of the
chastity, and honour of
one beautifull untainted
Virgin, than they will bestow
(in charity) towards
the saving of an hundred
poore people, from perishing
by famine here, or
from perdition in a worser
place: and because they
say women will alwaies
lye, I doe wish that (in
this last point I touch’d upon)E1r73
upon) they would make
or prove me a lyer.

Who but men have bin
the Authors of all mischiefes?
had that firebrand
of Troy (Paris) not stolne
Hellen from her Husband
King Menelaus, surely
she had remained a wife in
Sparta, and never beene
strumpeted in Phrygia: the
ten yeares Siege and sacking
of Illion was never
sought by women, but
wrought by men: who but
men are Traytors, Apostates,
Irreligious, Sectaries
and Scismatiques? Alas, alas;
these are vessels of
vices and villanies, which EthE1v74
the weak hands or braines
of women could never
broach. Who but men are
Extortioners, Usurers
Oppressors, Theeves, perjur’d
persons, & Knights
of the Post? who but men
doe write, print, divulge
and scatter Libells, Rimes,
songs and Pasquills against
the knowne Truth; against
Soveraigne Authority, against
all Law, equite, and
Conformity to Loyalty?
who but men have, and
doe set forth pestifferous
Pamphlets, Emblemes,
and Pictures of Scurrillity
and nasty obsceanesse? I am
sure that Ovid, and Aretine wereE2r 75
were no women, nor was
there ever any Woman
found to be the Authoresse
of such base and vile inventions.

An Answer
to
the aspersion
cast
upon women
for
being
Gossips.
In one of their late wise
rediculous Lectures, they
doe cast an aspersion upon
us that wee are mighty
Gossips, and exceeding
Scolds; to the first I Answer,
that the most part of
our meetings at Gossippings
are long of the
men, rather than to be imputed
to us; for when
children are borne into the
world (although men feele
none of the mmisery) yet women
have a more knowne E2simpa-E2v 76
simpathy & feeling of one
anothers paines & perills;
; therefore in Christianity
and neighbourly love &
charity, women doe meet
to visit and comfort the
weakenes of such, as in
those dangerous times doe
want it; and whereas they
say that wee tipple, and
tittle-tattle more than our
shares, I shall (before this
discourse is ended) cast
that Ball backe againe in
their teeths, and emblaze
them truely to bee most
vaine and idle talkers; and
that no living thing Created
is so sottish, sencelesse,
brutish and beastly, as most ofE3r 77
of them have bin, and are
daily, nightly, and hourely
in their drinke: for their
much talke (to no purpose)
doth shew that there
is a running issue, or Fistula
in their minds.

Man might consider
Women
are not
borne to
be mēns
slaves.
that women were not
created to be their slaves
or vassalls, for as they had
not their Originall out of
his head, (thereby to command
him;) so it was not
out of his foote to be trod
upon, but in a (medium)
out of his side to be his fellowfeeler,
his equal & companion:
but as the Divell
can be (at one time) both E3theE3v78
the Prince of darknesse,
and an Angell of Light; so
can these double-hearted
men beare fire in one hand
and water in the other, so
that one knowes not
where to have them, nor
how to find them; being
neither hot or cold, but
like Luke-warme Laodiceans:
for many of them
are like the Cinamond
Tree, their Rinde better
than the Trunke: they are
(too many of them) rare
Doctors of Divility, crafty
Merchants, whose Wares
are flatteries, congies, cringes,
complements, leggs,
faces, and mimmicke mar-E4r79
marmositical Gestures,
and are fitter by halfe, for
stamps to Coyne any currant
wickednesse then any
women can be.

Every
thing but
man doth
Naturally
incline to
his proper
place.

Every thing (but man)
doth naturally encline to be
in his proper place, as for
example: Lead, Stomes, or
any ponderous or weighty
matter or mettall will sinke
downe, fire doth mount upwards,
Rivers run to the
to the Sea, Trees to the
Earth, and Fowles to the
Aire: every thing doth
seeke to bee in his naturall
place constantly, onely men
are inconstant, and seldome
or never doth keep his constantE4stantE4v80
course. Nay the very
Beasts and unreasonable
Creatures are his Schoolemasters,
and goe beyond
him in goodnesse: Hee may
learne meekenesse of the
Lambe, simplicity of the
Dove, dilligence of the
Ants, kindnes of the Stork,
memory of the Oxe and Asse,
fidellity of the Dog, watchfulnesse
of the Cocke subtilty
of the Serpent, magnanimity
of the Lion: the Eagle
(or Vulture) doth goe beyond
him in sight, or seeing;
the Dog surpasseth him in
the sence of smelling, Stags,
Hares, and Birds doe outgoe
him in swiftnesse, HorsessesE5r81
& Elephants in strength,
and Crowes or Ravens in
length of life: Besides every
thing (except man) hath
the wit to shun and avoyd
danger, as Sheepe will run
from the Wolfe, the Cat
from the Dog, the Hare
from the Hound, the Rat
from the Cat, the Chicke
from the Kite, and the Dove
from the Hawke; but man
will not avoyd wickednes,
nor run from the Divell; he
is also so voracious and insatiate,
that though a Parke
will satisfie an Heard of
Deere, a medow will suffice
many Cowes and a Bull, a
field will serve Horses, a D5ForrestE5v 82
Forrest will feed wild Beasts
and Fowles, the Earth doth
content Wormes and Vermine,
the Sea containes Fishes:
And man (onely man) is
never contented; his ingurgitating
Maw is the Sepulcher
of Fishes, Fowles,
Beasts, Hearbes, Fruites,
Rootes, and all things else
whatsoever that his Rapine
can prey upon. Besides, hee
hath in him the pride of the
Horse, the Lions fiercenesse,
the Wolves ravening, the
Dogs biting more addicted
to truculency then the
Beare, more obstinate than
the Oxe, more beastly rash
than the Bore, more various thanE6r flawed-reproduction3
than the Leopard, more mutable
than the Camelion, as
deceitfull as the Foxe, as
desperate as the Elephant,
fearefull as a Hare, revengfull
as the Cammell, as lascivious
as the Goate, as full of
scoffing and jeering as an
Ape, as uncleanly as a Sow,
as silly as a Sheepe, and as
foolish as an Asse. This Land
hath rob’d and cheated almost
all other Nations of
their vices, for we have gotten
Gluttony from Greece,
Wantonnes from Italy,
Pride from Spaine, Complement
from France,
Drunkennes from Germany,
Infidelity from the Jewes,E6v84
They
prove that
England
hath robbed
all
Nations
of their
Vices.
Jewes, Blasphemy from the
Turkes, Idolatry from the
Indians, Superstition from
Rome, Sects from Amsterdam,
Errors from all places,
makes Scismes & Divisions
at home. And these are
the rare vertues, and admirable
quallities of the most
part of such men as have
(and doe daily) enveigh and
raile against women with
their scandalous tongues,
and infamous abusive Libells;
and in a word to conclude
this poynt, if any man
be great in Office or Dignity,
and that he hath uncontrollable
power to doe what
he will; it is a hard matter forE7r85
for him to restraine himselfe
from doing much hurt, and
little good.

Dogs doe naturally barke
and snarle at strangers, and
such as they doe not know;
Women
were never
so bad
as men.
and so those men that are
ignorant in their malice,
(or mallicious in their ignorance)
doe Reprehend
and abuse women, and in
their rayling they have the
uncharitable Art to make
the smale Mole-hills of our
frailty appeare like Mountaines;
and with their inveterate
spleene, they Metamorphose
our Pigmey faults
into huge Giants: But let
me be so bold (with leave) asE7v 86
as to aske them, if ever any
women were such monsters
as Nero, Heliogabalus,
Caligula, Hamon, Julian,
Caine, Iscariot, Ahab,
Achitophel, Rabsheka,
Nabuchadnezer, Hollophernes,
Jeroboam, Pharaoh,
Nimrod, Cham,
Belshazer, ( or Baltazer)
Goliah, Esau, Achan, Gehezie,
Absolon, Mannasses,
Siscera, Shimei, Amon,
Nabal, Herod, Chaiphas,
Annas, Pilate, Elimas,
Domitian, Catiline Silla,
Marius, Sardanapales,
and thousands more such
Commanders, inventers,
maintainers, and defenders ofE8r87
of mischiefes, and all sorts
of wickednesse & villanies;
of which the Stories of their
detestable lives, with their
deserved deaths, doe make
most horrible and loathed
mentions: nor hath these
Kingdomes of England and
Scotland, bin alwaies cleare
from the Tyranny of such, as
the Chronicles will witnes
of Mackbeth, and Richard
the third: and I am sure that
women were not the Complotters,
or contrivers of
the Powder Treason; nor
ever did any woman devise
Projects and Monopolies.

Thus any one that hath
but common sence or reassonsonE8v88
in him, may perceive
He that
rayles against
women,
doth
forget that
his mother
was a woman.
that those who so bitterly
raile against women, doe
forget that Women were
their mothers, or that they
had their Birth (or secondary
Originall being from
women:) I will not bee so
lavishly or unmannerly invictive
against men, but
that amongst them there
have bin (and are, and I
an not out of hope there
will alwayes bee) many of
that noble Sexe, that doe
scorne and despise those
scurrilous sordid Libells,
who are no better than the
Divells Penposts: that
have the Art to write by roateE9r89
roate, and rail at random,
without regard of truth
or equity: (for a just and
wise man deemes nothing
to be reasonable that hath
not equity in it) whose
sweet stinking Poeticall
verses runs all manner of
feete without measure,
rime, or reason; and Satans
cloven foot withall
into the bargaine. I touch
not any way upon good
Poets, for to them Fortune
is blind, and (in her blind
bounty) shee returnes a
small share for Minerva,
and vicious greatnes, golden
foppery, and silken
Ignorance are most deadlylyE9v 90
enemies to the Muses:
as eminent persons doe
not awaies carry Scales about
them to weigh the
merits of deserving men;
but I speake of our mungrill
Rimsters, that with
an affectate over-weening
conceit of themselves,
doe imagine that they can
cough Logicke, speake
Rhetoricke, neese Grammer,
belch Poetry, pisse
Geometry, groane Musicke,
vomit Apothegmes, and
squirt Oratory. These (and
such as these) are the most
furious and fierce Pendragonists,
these are the pestifferous
Jacksquiterers, thatE10r91
that if they could, would
blow and blast the fame of
None but
Mungrill
Rimers
speake
against
Women.
women: These can change
the shapes of their inventions
according as the
times and purpose best befits
their servile inclinations:
for they have all got
the Theory of well speaking,
(when they please)
but if ever they busie themselves
with the practick of
well doing, I will bee at
the charge to pay for their
hanging; for it is more easie
to make a good nimble
Foot-man of the running
Goute, than it is to make
one of these an honest
man.

Al- E10v 92

Although some few, (and
those few too many) women
doe professe goodnesse in Hipocrisie,
yet that is not a
Generall disparagement to
such as are truely vertuous
in sincerity; for if I may bee
so bold as to speake that
which is Recorded in holy
Writ, I shall prove presently
out of the best Authors
that ever liv’d, that women
have beene, and are, and
will be, must be, and shall
be, either mens betters, or
their equalls; (or at the
least) not to be so much under-valued,
as not to be abused,
villified, and traduc’d
by every idle & paltry Potcompanions.

As E11r 93

As for the first man, he
was made of Earth, Clay;
(yea of the very slime of
the earth) also he was created
in the open wide field
(as all other the rest of
earthly Creatures were:)
and being made (I must
confesse he was perfect,
and full of perfection) yet
doth his very Name demonstrate
that hee was of
a meane & pure substance;
for the Word (or Name
Adam) doth signifie Clay,
or red earth: but when
that earth and slime was
purified, and made perfit
(with being fully posses
sed with a Reasonable Soule)E11v94
Soule) then man being in
Paradice, ( a most pleasant
and delectable place) there
in that choycest and principall
Garden of delight,
(man being refined from
his drosse) was woman
Created: there was she named
Eve, (or Hevah) wch
is as much as to say Life;)
because shee was the Mother
of all men & women
that should ever live, or
have living: she was made
out of the side of the man,
(neere to his heart) because
hee should heartily
love her: and as all the rest
of the Creatures were created
before man, to show thatE12r95
that hee was not brought
into a bare and naked
world, (although himselfe
was so) but it was Gloriously
and Magnificently
adorn’d & beautified with
all things fitting for the
the entertainement of so
glorious an Image, (or
Deputy to the Greatest)
yet in that great state hee
was alone, without any
one to have a participation,
or joyfull fellow simpatheticall
feeling of his
felicity. Then did it please
the Great Creator, to Create
the noble Creature
(Woman) to bee his Helper,
associate, and companion;nion;E12v96
therefore I conclude,
that as man was made of
pollution, earth, & slime;
and woman was formed
out of that earth when it
was first Refin’d: as
man had his Originall
in the rude wide field, and
woman had her frame and
composure in Paradise;
so much is the womans
Honour to bee regarded,
and to be held in estimation
amongst men.

Divers
more examples
I
could produce.
To these few I could add
infinite, but I study to
avoyd prolixity; onely I
desire of you Sir Seldome
Sober
, and the rest of your
most pitifull partisons, to beeF1r 97
bee resolved in this one
The
World
cannot
subsist
without
women.
Question; How commeth
the world to be thus peopled?
and whence groweth
this goodly Generation
upon the earth, which
from the first Creation
hath continued to this present;
and shall last to all
Posterity: we are not like
these swift Spanish Genets,
which (some Write) engender
onely by the wind?
purperated without man:
doe we the despised, sue to
you the well disposed? or
being obscured the Vessels, petition
to you the Proditors
of your fames & honours?
when was it knowne in FanyF1v98
Women
never seeke
and petition
to men
for love.
any Age, that our Sexe
have groaned at your
Gates, or sate waking
whole cold winters nights
at your windowes? when
sonnetted to your Signiorships,
or love Letter’d to
your Lordships? when
haunted you in your Houses?
and way layed you in
your walkes? These you
have done, and daily and
hourely doe to us; and if
wee have bin either wayward
in our words, or but
counterfeited a coynesse
in our countenances; your
brave high spirits have bin
ready to homage your
selves, nay some have done itF2r 99
it really: as thinking to
enter the strict way by a
string: Nay many times
when you are denyed the
game, you have offered
Fees; and by rape to hazard
the Gallowes.

If the Husband-man
Till, Plow, Sow, and Harrow
his ground, &c. it is
in hope of a harvest; or
if hee labour and take
paines, it is in hope of his
hire: If the Merchant hazard
his purse, and person
by Sea, it is in the expectation
of some great gaine
and profit: and can you
wise men, take toyle and
travell; wake and watch, F2riseF2v 100
rise early, and goe to bed
late; spend your time,
wits, and money: vow
and protest, sweare and
forsweare; ingage your
fortunes, and indanger
your lives; and all these
for wily, wanton, wayward,
wicked women;
by gaining whom, you can
but loose your selves; and
to purchase them, cannot
be without your so great
prejudice. Most sure if this
cause shall come before a
just Judge, and have the
benefit of a considerate
Censure; but we so much
reproved and reviled, shall
bee acquit by Proclamation,on,F3r 101
and you Sir Seldome
Sober
, with the rest of
your rayling Society bee
found sole guilty of Calumny,
scandall, and most
pilpable Contradiction:
Your intimations and intents,
your proposition
and your purpose, your
method & your meaning;
having no coherence, or
correspondence the one to
the other.

Women
able at all
times to
maintaine
their undertakings

when men
are not
able.
And therefore we weak
women, stand up against
you mighty men; (for so
you thinke your selves)
when alas wee know by
proofe, that when you
brave Masculines are at F3anyF3v102
any time incountered by
our Femenine Sexe, even in
the first assault, you are as
soone tam’d as talkt with;
and can scarce really tell us
you love us, but you are as
ready to turne tayle and
leave us: and yet are not
ashamed to animate your
selves in your owne assemblies;
and would make the
world to beleeve, that you
the first Cowards are the
sole Conquerours.

An Answer
to
the Prentises
Lecture
in
the morning.
But forsooth when you
faile in your prowesse, you
thinke to fit us in your
Proverbes; (which you
priviledge by their Antiquity)
but indeede they areF4r 103
are so stale in their very
Names, that they stinke
in our noses: for example,
When the Mistris calls up
her Apprentice, shee saith
if she be crost, shee will make
him leape at a Crust; as if
Citizens kept such penurious
Houses, that they were
ready upon the least occasions
to starve their Servants:
Nay, that she taking
her Husbands Authority
out of his hands, will
beate her Boy the Rogue;
and bast the Kitchin-maid
who rules the Roast, till she
make their bones rattle in
their skinns: and when shee
hath gotten her will, then
F4RattleF4v 104
Rattle Baby Rattle.

An answer
to
the Lecture
of
the wife
to her
husband.
Then in your Lecture
of the Wife to her Husband,
Is the house a wildCat
to you? and why a
Wild-Cat you tame foole?
unlesse you study to set
odds betwixt man and
wife, and to make them
agree in a house like Dogs
and Cats together.

An answer
to
the Country
Farmers
wives
Lecture.
Then comes in the
Country Farmers Wife,
with her couple of Capons,
when all her shee
neighbours dare take their
Oathes, that her Husband
is a Cocke of the Game;
yet shee must call him
Francis Furmity-pot, BarnardnardF5r105
Bagg-pudding
, or
Bacon-face, William Woodcocke,
Durty Dotterill, or
Dunstable, Harry Horsehead,
Simon Sup-broath,
Ralph Rost a Crow, Tom
Turd
in thy teeth, and the
like beastly and bastardly
names, meerely of your
owne durty devising: as
knowing what belongs to
your selves, when wee
cannot finde in our hearts
to foule our mouthes
with any such filthy Language.

But sure Sir Seldome,
(or never) Sober, your
Father was some JakesFarmer,
and your Mother F5aF5v 106
a Midwife, or hee some
Rake-shame, or Ragggatherer;
and shee the
daughter of a Dung-hill,
that their Sonne is forc’d
to patch out his Poetry
with such pitifull Proverbes:
and cannot wee
come upon you with the
like? and in tasking of
your rudenesse tell you,
you should have talked
“under the Rose”: to punish
your too much prating,
Their answer
to
him, and
the proverbs
confuted.
tell you, “Little said, soone
amended”
. In terrifying you
from the like troubling of
your selfe, “That there is a
day to come, that shall pay
for all”
; and to restraine youF6r 107
you within some regularity,
“A man may bring his
Horse to the water, but hee
cannot make him drinke”
.
In not sparing of your
Spouse-breach, “There is
False-hood in Fellow-ship.”

When wee shall bury one
untoward Husband, and
take another; “Seldome
comes the better.”
When
you foole us with your
flatteries, you play with us
at “Wily beguile you”: And
to conclude with that
most learned Ballad, song
about the streetes, and
Composed by your fellow
Poet M.P. “O such a Rogue
would be hang’d”
. This wee couldF6v108
could doe, nay this wee
much care not to doe; unlesse
you moderate your
flying Muse, and mend
your manners.

Nay wee could Anatomize
How they
would use
him.
you into Atomes,
and dissect you into Demunitives,
to make you
lesse than nothing; but it
it is the modesty of our
Madam-ships, and the patience
that our Sexe professes,
to parley before we
punish; and to hang up a
flagge of Truce, before we
offer to Tirannize: but if
you take heart and hold
out, and seeme not sorry
at this our first Sommons, weeF7r 109
wee will not onely beate
you, but batter you; bumbast
and bafle you, Canvace
and Cudgell you;
Brave you and Bastinado
you: but leave you to the
terrible Trophies of our
Victorious Triumph, and
the remarkeable memory
of your most miserable,
and unpittied Massacre:
Yet in all this we doe not
menace the men, but their
mindes; not their Persons,
but their Penns; the horridnesse
of their humours,
and the madnesse of their
Muses: which indeed towards
us have beene insupportable,
and intollerable:ble:F7v110
Therefore be advised
and let us heare either of
your publicke acknowledgement,
or at the least
your private recantation;
Their
Cruell
threatning
of
Sir Seldome
Sober.
either to us all in generall,
or some in particular, &c.
or we will make thy owne
pen thy Ponyard; thy Inke
thy banefull potion; thy
Paper thy winding sheete;
thy Standish thy Coffin;
thy Sand-dust thy Gravedust,
to bury thy shallow
wit in, with thy face
downe-ward; which if
we doe not, let us for ever
beare the burthen with
our faces upwards.

Now concerning your veryF8r111
very passionate, but most
pittifull Poetry, a question
may be made, whether
you be a Land Laureate,
or a Marine Muse; A Land
Poet, or a Water Poet; A
Scholler, or a Sculler; Of
Pernassus, or puddle Dock;
Of Ionia, or Ivy Bridge:
But howsoever, it is not in
the compasse of our Reading,
that Mnemosyne ever
lived at Milford Lane, or
Terpsichore at Trigg Stayers,
where they say the
Divell once tooke water.

Nay more than all this,
a little further to magnifie
our Sexe; are not the foure
parts of the world, Asia, AfricaF8v112
Africa, Europe, and America
Deciphered and described
under the Persons
of women, and their Gender?
The nine Muses, obscured
the Twelve Sibells, were
they not all women? The
Foure Cardinall Vertues,
Justice, Fortitude, Prudence,
Temperance, Women?
The three Graces,
the Hand-maids to Venus,
women? The three Theologicall
Vertues, Faith,
Hope, and Charity, Women?
nay Wisedom it
In the
praise of
Women.
selfe, is it not Sapientia,
and figured in the forme
of a Woman? Are not all
the Arts, Sciences, and VertuesF9r113
Vertues, of what quality
or condition soever, Portrayed
in the persons of
women: whether then I
pray you Sir Seldome Sober
were your wits wandering,
or went a Woollgathering,
when you beate
your braines about this
poore, and most pittifull
Pamphlet? Have wee
claim’d this to our selves?
nay rather hath it not bin
meritoriously conferr’d
uponn us by you men? had
you thought your selves
worthy of these noble
and brave Attributes, you
would have sequestred
them from our Sexe, and Celebra-F9v114
Celebrated them to your
selves: but those who
thought themselves more
Wiser than you have
shewed your selfe, (in this
witty) of these Honours
to support and maintaine
which they thought themselves
too weake: have
both by their words and
writings thought us worthy.

Now whether is the
greater approbation for
any Cause in question, or
for any person convented
to be acquitted, by one single
man, or by a whole Senate:
by a private censorious
and supercilious Synicke,nicke,F10r115
then by a full, free,
and generall assembly.

Wee
Women
claime a
priviledge
Besides, wee claime a
further priviledge, that is
to be tryed by our Peeres,
and grant us but that, and
then besides Keisars and
Kings, Princes and Potentates,
Soveraignes & Subjects,
Court, City, Campe
and Country; wee have
the Graces & the Goddesses,
the Nimphs and the
Meriades; the Virgins, the
Vestalls, the Wives, the
Widowes, the Country
wench, the Countesse, the
Laundresse, the Lady, the
Maid-marrion, the Matron,
even from the ShepherdesseherdesseF10v116
to the Scepter;
all ready to give up their
voyces of our sides, that
his Crabb-tree Cudgell
Oyle, and his Juniper sauce
Lecture is false, foolish,
sottish, superfluous Railing,
rediculous, absurd,
nay more abhominable.

Finally no
Sentence
of Condemnatiō

ought to
passe upon
any, before
a faire
Verdit be
given up
by twelve
honest
men.

All Sentences, and Condemnations
goe by a Jury of
twelve, and they too obscured
ought not onely to be of understanding,
but good men
and true; and shall the generallity
of our Sexe be convented,
and convicted by
one poore ignorant silly
Sot? Then we may say
(; not to our small griefe) thatF11r117
that the woman cald Astræa,
otherwise cald Justa, hath
flowne up to Heaven, and
left no Justice abiding upon
the Earth: had she bin still
our Judgesse, shee would (no
doubt) have Censured; that
as men have here to fore had
the liberty to take many
Wives; so women might
have now the priviledge
every one to take two Husbands
at least: till they
could find any one woman,
who could meete with two
men of the same mind with
this Gregory, who would
make himselfe a Grand Jury
man. But Read the wise
Womans Juniper, and she willF11v118
will jerke him for this.

Greeke
Poets that
if they
were living

would defend
the
womans
Vertues.

But were there now surviving
to vindicate our
vertues, any of the Ancient Greeke Poetresses, A Ni
costrate
or Caripena; A
Musæa, or a Meroe; A Sosipatra,
or a Clitagora; An
Aspatia Milesia, or Praxilla
Sycomia
; A Myro Bizantia,
or Cozinna Thebana.
Or amongst the Ro
mans
; an Hortensia, or
Hyparchia; A Claudia, or a
Cornelia; Apollo Argentaria,
or Probavaleria; A
Vittoria Collumna, or
Marcella Romana, &c. If
(I say) any of these were
now surviving, what a pittifulltifullF12r119
thing would they make
of this patulant Poet: and
with one of their invective
Iambicks, to despaire and
hang himselfe: and in the
stead of a Juniper, reade unto
him a Gibbot Lecture.

How have you stuft your
Store-house, with a Catalogue
of common prostitutes
and Curtizans; which
made me thinke when I
first saw your Booke, it
had beene the Register of
Bride-well: and I pray you
who vitiated them, but
you obscuredthat would seeme
the vertuous? or who corrupted
them, but you the
male Crocadiles? was there everF12v120
Gill without her Jack, or
flirts without her Framion.
As Parents loosed the
names of Father and Mother
when their Issue failes
them, and Children are no
more Sonnes and Daughters
when they have no
Parents to protect them:
so it is not possible, that
the world could yeeld any
one Branded with the
In the defence
of
us women.
Name of a whore, but
there must be Whooremaster
to make her so.
Moreover, there was never
Strumpet but had her
Pimpe to usher her; nor any
Madam Mackarell without
a Pander to man her.

You G1r 121

You tell us a great many
stories and to small purpose,
of Hellen an Harlot,
who had no doubt lived in
honest life with Menelaus
her Husband, had there
not bin a bold-fac’d Paris
to betray her. Of a Lais, a
Famous Curtezan in Corinth,
who valued every
nights lodging at a thousand
Drachmaes: and why
did she set so high a price
upon her prostitution? but
the better to conserve her
Chastity, and fright away
libidenous fooles from
hunting her Habitation:
and so of the rest, by
which any indifferent ReaderGderG1v122
may perceive, that all
things make with us,
which you maliciously
have suggested against us.

I will not meddle with
your pittifull Poetry, and
rime Dottrell, borrowed
out of Ballads: and yet
why should I say borrowed,
when I can Answer
them in this one Distick:

The women
make
rime of
the Author.

Though borrowing now be
into fashion growne,

Yet I dare swear, what
thou writst was thy own.

For indeed I know none
who else will Challenge
them.

In G2r 123

In your Lecture of an
An answer
to
the Lecturee
of
the rich
Widow.
old rich Widow to a yong
Gallant, where you thinke
to taske her of her wit,
what doe you else but approve
her wisedome?
who will not suffer her
modest Gravity to bee
fool’d by his youthfull
Prodigality: and so what
you strive to condemne as
a vice, in effect you crowne
for a vertue.

An answer
to
the Lecture
of
of a Country
Farmers
wife.
You make your Country
Farmers wife, to call
wise-achers her Husband
Wittall, Mopus and Moonecalfe,
Hobbinot, and Hobnailes,
Lurden and Looby;
Francis Fill-gut and Fur G2mety-G2v 124
mety-pot, Booby & Blockhead,
Dunce and Dotard
Bull-beise, Barley pudding,
Sim Slabber-chops
and the like; and like enough
he may be all these,
; she in this gives but the
Divell his due, and the
Clownish Coridon his
owne true Character: And
what dispargement can
this bee to us? or what
great honour to you of
the Male Sexe, that amongst
men there can bee
found such a monster?

An answer
to
the Lecture
of
the jealous
old Women.
Can you blame the jealous
woman for having
such care over her Husbands
health, purse, and Person?G3r125
Person? for what is jealousie
but a too much indulgence,
and over Love?
and I feare ten at this time
of twenty, are not much
troubled with it.

The women
they
approve
of the
Lecture of
a kind woman
to her
Husband.
Your Lecture of your
kind loving wife to her
Husband we allow, & none
so shamelesse in their slanders,
but sometimes or
other are constrained to
tell truth and shame the
Divell; and if you had
onely followed the same
Theame, you might have
escapt from being thus
threatned: but many who
have striv’d to make, have
mard; & in shunning Scyl G3laG3v126
la, have falne into Charybdis:
and this our impudent
Poet, hath imitated
such ignorant Pylots:
where if he had had the
skill to steare his Vessell in
the milde Channell, hee
might have arrived at an
happy Harbour, and so
escaped that shame and
ship-wracke, which his
sillinesse hath made him to
suffer. Had Icarus in his
Flight kept an equall
distance, betwixt the Sea
and the Sunne, the one
had not melted his Waxe,
nor the other moistned
his Wings: nor hee beene
made a wretched Prey toG4r 127
to the Waters.

An Answer
to
the Lecture
of
the young
Widow
to an old
Widower.
In your Widowes Lecture
to your Widower,
what tearmes doth shee
use, but of your teaching;
and what durty language
but of your owne devising:
I thought you would
have told us a tale, wherein
you might have made
them equal sharers, in their
owne simplicity: which
was to this effect.

A Widower and his
widow sitting at Supper
with a good joynt of meat
together, and falling into
some crosse words, (before
they had tasted a bit of it;
and having both good stomacks:)G4macks:)G4v 128
A poore man
came to the doore to begg
an Almes for Gods sake:
The man not knowing
which way more to vexe
his wife cald to his Servant,
and cutting the meat
in the middle, laid one
halfe upon his Trencher,
and said; “here take this
and carry it to the poore
man, and bid him pray for
the soule of my former
Wife”
; which seeing shee
said nothing: but when
the Servant was returned,
she tooke the other halfe
that was in the Dish, and
gave it unto him saying;
“and I pray thee carry thisto G5r129
to the poore man, and desire
him to pray for the
soule of my first Husband”
:
by which meanes both
themselves and their Servants,
were forced to goe
to bed supperlesse: Now
here the blame nor burden
could be great, because it
was borne upon equall
shoulders: but you (as in
all the rest) make the woman
onely to Raile, and
the men like so many silly
Sots, to make no reply at
all; as if wee were all mad,
they milke-sops and mecockes,
wee froward, they
foolish; we either sheepish
or shrowish, and they G5onelyG5v 130
onely simple and sottish;
which how false it is, and
farre from any probability
of truth, common experience
can testifie: for whosoever
shall observe his
stile and method shall
finde, that what hee so
much boasts off hee hath
borrowed from the basest
of our Sexe; as being in all
his Tinkerly tearmes more
foule-tongu’d than a Fishwife,
and more open
mouth’d than any Oysterwench.

A word or two more concerning
the vertue and
Chastity of Women, there
was never any man could generallyG6r131
generally compare with
No man
whatsoever
is Generally
to
be compared
to women
for
Vertue.
Women; to speake of the
best and most blest (the one
and onely Virgin Mother,
she that was at one time
Maid, Mother, Wife
Child, & Sister to her Son;
she that most happily was
elected) from all Eternity
to be the blessed bringer
forth of a Saviour, for all
repenting and true beleeving
sinners, she was so fully
fill’d and replenish’d with
grace, that shee is justly stiled
blessed amongst women:
and for a further proclaiming
of her happinesse, “All
Generations shall call her
Blessed”
: Shee was the WorldsG6v132
Worlds onely wonder, and
most rare and soveraigne
mirrour of Chastity. Many
thousands more are mentioned
for that onely famous
vertue of Continency, in
Divine and prophane Histories,
whose honourable, and
Venerable memories shall
our-live time, and flourish
in Glorious Eternity. Resides,
as there have bin and
are innumerable of our noble
Sexe, that have liv’d
and dyed Virgins; so likewise
millions of them who
have bin married, and after
marriage became Widowes,
they have bin so inclined to
the love of chastity, that theyG7r133
they would never bee wonne
to accept of a second marriage:
and for an inimitable
example of a worthy Matron,
it is Recorded,
that Anna the Prophetesse
was but seven yeares a married
wife, but that after her
Husband was dead, she lived
a Widow fourescore and
foure yeares: and example above
any you men can shew.

Women
for the
Love of
Posterity
doe marry
you men,
and for
no other
end.

Moreover women were so
chast, that though they did
marry and were married, it
was more for propagation of
Children, than for any carnall
delight or pleasure they
had to accompany with men;
they were content to be joynednedG7V 134
in Matrimony with a
greater desire of Children
than of Husbands, they had
more joy in being Mothers
than in being Wives; for in
the old Law, it was a curse
upon Women to be Barren:
and surely if there had beene
any lawfull way for them to
have had Children without
Husbands, there hath beene,
and are, and will bee a numberlesse
number of Women
that would or will never be
troubled with wedlocke, nor
the knowledge of man. Thus
good and modest Women
have bin content to have
none, or one man (at the
most) all their whole lifetime,time,G8r135
but men have bin so
addicted to incontinency,
that no bounds of Law or
reason could restraine them:
for if we reade the Story of
the Kings of Juda, there we
may finde the wisest that ever
raign’d, (Solomon)
had no fewer than three
hundred Wives, and seven
hundred Concubines; and
that his Sonne Rehoboam
had eighteene Wives and
sixety Concubines, by whom
hee begat twenty-eight
Sonnes, and threescore
Daughters. There have bin
some good women, that
when they could have no
Children, they have bin contentedtentedG8v 136
that their Husbands
should make use of their
Maid-servants; as Sara and
Rachell, and Leah did; but
I never heard or read of any
man that (though hee were
old, diseased, decripit, gowty,
or many and every way
defective, and past ability to
be the Father of any Child)
that hath bin so loving to
his wife, as to suffer her to
made a Teeming Mother by
another man. There was
once a Law in Sparta, amongst
the Lacedemonians,
that if the husband were
deficient for propagating or
begetting of Children, that
then it was lawfull for the wifeG9r137
wife to entertaine a friend
or a Neighbour; but the women
were so given to chastity,
that they seldome or never
did put the said Law in
practise, and I am perswaded
that that Decree is
quite abolish’d, and out of
use and force all the World
over.

The constant courage,
and fixed Pious and worthy
resolutions of those
women that are mentioned
in the seventh of the
second Booke of the Macabees,
is Transcendent
and suparlative above all
men that ever were either
spoken of or Recorded in History:G9v138
to which place I referre the
Reader for larger Relations.

Holy Writ doth nominate
5. famous women of
the name of Mary; first the
Blessed Virgin. Secondly,
Mary the mother of James
the lesse; and Joseph and Salome,
and the wife of Cleophas
& the Virgin Maries
owne Sister. Thirdly, the
Mother of John, and James
the Sonnes of Zebedoe.
Fourthly, the Mother of
John, Marke: and Mary Magdalen,
who was the Sister
of Lazarus; these were all
women, who were hardly
to be equall’d in goodnes andG10r139
and vertue by men: they
were the loving Handmaides
of the highest. And
it would bee tedious and
needlesse to name those
worthy women in this
poore Pamphlet, who are
already Recorded in the
never ending Booke of
immortallity. Susannaes
chastity, Lidias dilligent
piety, the bounty and charity
of Dorcas, and the
painefulnesse of Pheabe:
all these and many more
are remembred in everlasting
blessed Volumnes.

Thus have I truely and
impartially proved, that
for Chastity, Charity, Con-G10v140
Constancy, Magnanimity,
Vallour, Wisedome, Piety,
or any Grace or Vertue
whatsoever. Women have
alwayes bin more than equall
with men; and that
for Luxury, Sarquedrin
obscenity, prophanity,
Ebriety, Impiety, and all
that may be called bad wee
doe come farre short of
them. Now we thinke it
meete onely to tell them a
little of one fault, which we
are sure they doe know already;
and that our Repetition
of it will bee no
meanes to Reforme it: yet
to shew the World that
Women have great cause toG11r 141
to finde fault, and bee discontented
with their odious
generall vice of Drunkennes.
We will relate unto
you the dellicate dainty
Foppish, and rediculous
conceites of Sir Seldome
Sober
, with the most foolish,
idle, and sottish
trickes and feates of his
idle and Adle-pated followers.

Severall G11v 142

Severall Questions
propounded to Sir
Seldome Sober
, by
the Women,
viz.

Questions
asked and
put to Sir
Seldome
Sober
by
the Women.

First, were Women ever
since the Creation
of the World, such notorious
and Capitall offenders
as you men have been
from time to time; not
onely in particular to your
Wives and Family; but I
meane in publike against yourG12r143
your Prince and Country,
being found Traitors,
as our Chronicles can witnesse.

Secondly, were there
ever any woman put in the
Stocks, or set in the Pillory,
or had ever any hand in
Coyning, or Clipping, or
Defacing their Princes
Money.

Thirdly, doe women do
as you men doe, who lye
abed on purpose to invent
mischiefe, and plot how
to get other mens estates
into your hands by your
slye dissembling: and then eitherG12v144
either break and runne away;
or at the least compound
for tenne Groates
in the pound; and then set
up againe, and doe as much
more within seven yeares
after.

Fourthly, doe Women
become common Baile in
Actions, for the value of
twelve pence, as you men
doe: Or bee Knights of
the Post, to sweare and
forsweare in many Cases,
for a small summe of mony:
and in hyring Satten
Doublets and Breeches
in Long Lane, and come
in a Ruffe to beare false
witnes against their neighFiftly,bourH1r145
did you heare
that ever any women ran
away from their Captaines
Colours: but whatsoever
they did undertake, they
went through stich with
it, and not flye like Cowards,
or fight in private
Armour, or Coates of
Male, as you men have
done? but women you
have heard of, who have
been forced to lye and
fight it out, and endure
the brunt, when you men
were not able to stand
to it.

Sixtly, doe Women
as you men doe, for HtheH1v146
the value of a dinner
or Supper, become bound
in a summe of Mony for
other men, to undoe their
Wives and Children, and
runne away into the Low
Countries to be a Souldier,
and there kill men for
three shillings a weeke.

Seventhly, when did
you heare, or ever know
Women, that make eight
dayes in the Weeke to deceive
poore men of their
pay as you men doe?

Eighthly, when did you
ever read or heare of any
women that turned Projectors,jectorsH2r147
striving to undoe
Kingdomes, onely to enrich
themselves by their
severall Monopolies and
Patents: Patents did I say?
indeed Patents, in my conceite,
should belong most
properly to us women,
who know how to use
them: for your mens Patents
and Monopolies are
hurtfull to all, ours to
none, but they are for a
generall good, and to preserve
our Healths, yours
to ruine and begger Men,
Women and Children.

Ninthly, how many women
have you knowne or H2seeneH2v 148
seene, that have beene
brought home drunken in
a Porters Basket, or led
home betweene two Vintners
Boyes, or that ever
dranke out their eyes,
and left their wits behinde
them on a Taverne
Bench; or came home
with their Legges or
Armes broken by their excessive
Drinking, and ingurgitating
of too much
Wine.

Tenth, I pray you Sir
Seldome Sober
, tell us how
many Women that ever
you heard of, that ranne
and hid themselves in a Cupboard,H3r149
Cupboard when there
came out a Presse for souldiers;
or lockt themselves
up in some private place
for feare of the Presse:
when we women stand it
out, and never feare, or
once be afraid: let there
come a Presse out night by
night, or day by day, wee
women will never ruunne,
or shrinke our heads for
it.

Eleventh, how many
women did you ever heare
of, that kept Horses to
gallop after Mutton; I
meane laced Mutton: and
then returne againe neitherH3therH3v 150
with good Horse, or
sound Reines; but creeping
and halting, as if you
had been shot in some
hot service of Warre?

Twelfth, how many
Women did you ever hear
of, that doe drinke so
much, that they doe quarrell
and fight, and teare
one anothers Bands and
Cloathes; and then bee
carried before a Justice, or
else end the businesse by
Arbitration, to their losse
both of mony and time:
or not so ended, doe challenge
the field, and there
sheath their swords in oneH4r 151
one anothers breast? All
these are causes enough to
make a woman speake,
whose Husband is thus in
fault: and wee ought to
speake, for wee have nothing
to offend (and defend
our selves) but our
tongues: nay more, as
you men have but five
Sences, I will prove that
women have sixe, and that
is our Tongues; and therfore
wee may speake and
pleade for our selves with
our tongues, and defend
our selves by our tongues;
and therefore Sir Seldome
Sober
hold you your
Tongue hereafter; for H4youH4v152
you know sixe to five is
odds at foot-ball; and
you shall be sure to finde it
so, if ever you doe come
into our quarters: but wee
hope Time will jerke your
blinde Cheekes for this,
or else you will get such a
blow with a French Coulstaffe,
that you will end
your Dayes in an Hospitall.
O that wee had you
amongst us but two hours,
or something which wee
could wish between a
cleft sticke, we would serve
you but as the Bakers
Wife did the Divell, make
you somewhat the lighter,
the better, and the more nimbleH5r153
nimble for your next
Summers Travaile, and
cause that Copper-Nose
which hath so many Colours
as the Raine-bow, to
appeare of another hew:
but wishes are in vaine;
and time and opportunity
will bring things together
which were never
dreamt of; so wee leave
you Sir Seldome, or never
Sober
; onely we will give
you the Character of a
Drunkard, and Drunkennesse,
and so conclude
with a few Tales to the
same purpose.

H5 Some H5v 154

Some say, that the Science
of Drinking Carrowses,
and Drunken
Healths was brought into
England by the Danes
when they conquered this
Kingdome: but from
whomsoever you learned
the Mystery, it makes no
great matter: It is apparently
knowne, that neither
Dane, or Dutch-man,
True-man, or Welsh-man,
can goe beyond you herein:
for by your daily Documents
(most Noble Sir Sel-H6r155
Seldome Sober) men are so
perfect, that they are able
to teach their Teachers, to
master their Masters, & to
lay all Nations in the Durt
that dares oppose them:
For the which Cunning,
they are all bound to you;
and to manifest their
thankfulnesse, every day
almost three quarters of
the Masculine Sexe doe
declare and shew themselves
to bee Sir Seldome
Sobers
Men. For his Followers,
they are the onely
Chimmists, and Hyperbolicall
Artists below the
Moone-shine, and they are
of all Callings, Functions, Arts,H6v 156
Arts, Trades, and Occupations:
they are likewise of
all degrees; from the Monarch
to the Miser; from
the Lord to the Lowne,
and of either Masculine,
or Feminine Sexe or Gender.
The force of Wine,
or much Drinking did
often make Phillip King
of Macedon to rage against
his Foes, and it caused his
Sonne (Alexander the
Great) to kill his friends:
most of them are such
Friends to Oblivion, that
they will Drinke, Smoake,
and Pipe away Time. Some
are such Miraculous,
strange wonder-workers, thatH7r157
that they can turne Night
into Day, and Day into
Night. It hath made many
a Souldier Metamorphose
the mettle of his
Murrion and his Morglay
into the Elixer or
spirit of the Buttery, and
Clinking of Wine-pots,
to renounce Armes and
Blood-shead, except the
Clarret blood of Bacchus.
It makes thousands of
Merchant Adventurers every
day and night to the
Toride Zone of Canarie:
It is the Poets Nepenthe,
Aganippa, his Nectar,
Tempe, Helicon, and Castelian
fountaine
; and when hisH7v 158
his Muse flags, it inspires
her with such straines and
raptures, that she Mounts
and Soareth higher, than
Jupiters Eagle, or the
Spheare of Saturne. It
causeth the Grammarian
to speake beyond his
Rules. It fills the Logicianer
with Syllogismes,
and Sophistry. It makes
the Mathematician so skilfull,
that hee knowes
Charles his Waine from
a Sedan, and the Antarticke
Pole from a Constables
Staffe. By the Inspiration
of Drinke, the
most simple Arithmatician
will accompt past numbring,bringH8r159
and number beyond
all accompt. It causes the
Astronomer to play the
Aleconers part, annd search
all the twelve Signes of
the Zodiacke, to know
what weight and measure
they allow. It attires the
Rhetoricians speech with
such Eloquent tearmes of
Fustian phrases, that it is
beyond the Speakers understanding,
and all mens
else that are troubled to
heare him. Drunkennesse
is the most frequent and
universall Trading in the
World: it makes (almost)
every Man a Merchant or
Chapman: for if you markeH8v160
marke it, there is of all
Trades and functions that
doe every day goe abroad
from house to House, for
no other purpose but to
buy Drinke. It is Musick
of it selfe, and it is composed,
and consists of Frets,
Stops, Clefts, Moods, Flats,
Sharpes, Spaces,
and most
strange Notes, Tones, and
Tunes, Phrygian, Lidian,
Dorian
, nine poynts above
Ela, and two pots below
Gamoth: For upon the
Ale-bench, they are all
compacted of Quavers,
Semiquavers, Sembriefes,
Minnums,
and Crotchets:
One squeaks shrill, like an, OwleH9r161
Owle, another Brayes the
Descant, like an Asse, a
third bellowes the Tenor,
The womens
examples

and similies
of
drunkennesse
in
modest
phrase.
like a Bull, a fourth Barks
the Counterpoint
, like a
Hound, a fift howles the
Treble, like a Wolfe, and a
sixt grunts the Base, like an
Oxe: that what with the
ravishing sound of Sackebuts,
Canary Pipes, Tobacco
Pipes, Flouts, (or Fluits)
Shames, Bad-pipes, weights,
Hoboyes
, Clinking and
Knocking of Pots, Stamping,
Dancing, and Singing
to confused Noyses;
there is daily such sweete
and Contagious HarmonymonyH9v162
amongst them, that
a man cannot any way
compare the deliciousnes
of it to any thing more
significantly, than to most
Eare-bewitching Caterwauling;
or their rending
and tearing of tunes,
are as delightfull to the
hearing, as the fat end of
a Pudding. And truely,
you men are so experimented
in the Trade of
Bibbing, (or Arti Bebendi)
that the Spungy Dutch
are the most sober Catoes, in
respect of you, Apuleius
Asse a grand Sophy, and the
Wise men of Gotham
would seeme amongst us toH10r 163
to be the seven Sages of
Greece. Drinke is the Idoll
which you men adore,
and every day you
doe fall downe to it: It is
the Catalogue of all Faculties:
It is the rare Esculapian
medicinable Antimonian
Cup, for it cures
all: It is (as it were) the
Mid-wife of Justice, for it
brings forth all, and ofttimes
it restores both
Principall and interest in
a flood or inundation of
Expression; It makes a
Man cast learnedly, like
Homer: It multiplyes the
eye-sight, which is the
cause, that some Beere is calledH10v164
called double Beere, by
reason it enlargeth the capacity,
and makes a man
see every thing double; As
one writ very sententiously.

The Scribe, or the Clerke,

Whose sights are dark,

And the print of the Letters
doth seeme too small,

Will conne every Letter,

And read much the better,

If they glaze but their eyes
with a pot of good Ale.

Amongst you men it is
the sweetest Life to bee
Dead Drunke, and a well-
seasoned Drunkard, is an unmea-H11r165
unmeasurable merry companion,
that holds the
great Barrel at Heidlenbergh
to bee but a Bottle: nor
doth he hold it lawfull to
looke wisely, goe steadily,
stand firmely, or speake
sence. Nor will he dishonour
the Calling with sleeping
above once a Weeke,
or a Fortnight. Many of
them are obscured so wary, and
jealous of their Reputations,
that they will pay no
Reckonings, because they
hold it a disparagement to
their Credits not to bee
credited. Some are abhominably
furnished with;
Oathes, and Protestations ofH11v 166
of all sorts and sizes, and
for any speciall occasion,
or company: As small
mincing Oathes for the
City, Couragious Oathes
for the Court, Hob-naild
Oathes for the Country,
Cudgell Oathes to breake
a Creditors Pate, Rapier
Oaths to runne a Serjeant,
or a Bayliffe through, and
Backe-sword Oathes to
crosse an Ale-house score.
And as an Ape will imitate
a man, so a Drunken
man will imitate a Beast.
Moreover, you shall have
seventeene, or eighteene
in one Roome, at one and
the same time, all in most diffe-H12r167
different and various Actions
and Postures; one
will whoop and hollow,
another sings, a third dances,
a fourth weepes, a
fift sleepes, a sixt leapes over
Stooles and Tables,
and shewes feates, a seventh
Knocks, Stamps,
and throwes pots downe
the staires; calls the Drawers
Rogues, the Man of
the House Cuckold, and
his Wife whore, breakes
Glasses, and Glasse-windowes:
another pulls out
his sword, and to make valiant
proofe how well hee
can use it, he cuts, hewes,
and slashes posts, doores, boards,H12v168
boards, and stakes, the
poore prodigalls picture
in the painted Cloath;
and in that veine hee is so
Couragious, as to brandish
his Blade against Hector
singly, or (for a need) you
may turne him loose to
combate with all the Nine
Worthies. We saw once
one that was so Pot-valient,
that in revenge, hee
with his sword thrust
poore Judith into the belly,
because shee kil’d Holophernes
when hee was
drunke: Some boast their
Descent and Antiquity of
their Housres, and Gentry
of their Predecessors: SomeI1r169
Some brag of their wealth
which, perhaps, their accursed
and miserable fathers
did purchase either
by buying and selling Justice,
or by Briberie, Extortion,
or some other execrable
way over the Devils
Backe, and therefore
their sonnes and heires do
take a mad or a drunken
course to spend it under
his Dams Belly with Rorering
and Whoring. Some
in their drink do make no
bones to speake Treason,
and indeed they make nothing
to prattle and scribble
Scandala Magnatum:
Some will utter all the secretsIcretsI1v170
they know (and more
too) and by those meanes
they have undone themselves,
their Wives, Families,
Friends, and Neighbours;
Some have foolishly
(when the drink was in,
and the wit out) lent away
all their monie, or prodigally
paid all the Reckoning,
or runne into bonds
for others, or been tempted
and wonne to take up
fine commodities (at cheating
deer rates) as Gingerbread,
Rattles, Mousetraps,
Tormentours for
Fleas, Tennis Balls, and
Mundunga Tobacco. Some
have sold their goods and landsI2r171
lands (in their Ale) and
they have been Beggers ever
after being sober. To
adde to this, many of Sir
Seldome Sobers
men have
beene so cunning as to
transforme monie, goods,
lands, health, reputation,
and libertie, all into drink,
and with a few words of
their mouthes,(like a
Charme) they have turn’d
their good friends into
the most deadly and inveterate
Enemies; Some are
much inclin’d to steale
when they are drunke, and
because they love to be in
action or practice, they wil
picke their owne pockets I2ra-I2v172
rather than want worke.
And some of them are
such enemies to sloth that
they will sleepe upon an
Ale-house or Taverne-
bench to avoid idlenesse.

Thus every day all sorts
of people and Nations are
drunke in severall formes
and postures, as in one
place one may finde or
meete a Dutchman bloated
like a stinking Herring: in
another place a Welchman
stew’d
as mellow as a
Pruine: in a third place a
Scotchman mull’d with
drinke and smoake: in a
fourth an Irishman pickl’d
in Usquebagh, and lastly, an Eng-I3r173
Englishman shall be all this
and more to, for he will be
drench’d, stew’d, mull’d,
pickled, sowz’d, and bloated;
there is no learned
Pot-leech or Renowned
Malt-worme, that is worthy
to hold the candle to
an English Drunkard, for
by the inspiration of his
Tap-lash, and the infusion
of the spirit of the spiggot,
hee is Geometrically skild
to turn a Quadrangle into a
Circle, and to drink round
at a square Table. The first
Health is call’d a Whiffe,
the second a Slash, the
third a Hunch, the fourth
Thrust, the fift is call’d I3Pot-I3v174
Pot-shaken, the sixth is seeing
the Lions, the seventh,
he is Scratch’d, the eighth,
his Nose is dirty, the ninth,
hee hath whipt the Catt,
the tenth, he is fox’d, the
eleventh, hee is Bewitch’d,
the twelfth, hee is Blinde,
and the thirteenth and
last, hee is drunke.

Drink is of that quicknesse
in operation, and of
such celeritie to inspire the
Braine of man, that I did
once know a Gentleman
that rode to the Universitie
of Oxford, who entred
the City about two of the
clock afternoone, and at
his comming thither, hee couldI4r175
could not speak any Greek
or Latine at all, but by the
Enthusiasme of Drinke,
and drinking roundly and
squarely, and with briefe
and diligent potting and
cupping, hee profited so
well, that in lesse then four
houres hee had forgot all
his English, and could neither
speake or understand
any word of his Mother
tongue. One boasted what
a Traveller hee had beene,
and how hee had beene
rob’d and cheated in every
Country where hee came:
As he had the luck to lose
his Manners in Barbary, the
Wild Irish and Red-shanks, I4stoleI4v176
stole his Civilitie, the
Welshman gull’d him of his
truth. In Hungaria he was
bereav’d of his Abstinence
and Sobrietie, in Sclavonia
hee lost his Gentility, in
Spaine his Honestie suffered
Shipwrack, and in Amsterdam
hee stumbled, and
(with the fall) lost his Religion,
or shatter’d it into
Heresies, Sects, & Schismes;
and all these losses and detriments
hapned to him in
his drinke, or drunken
madnes. He brags further,
that he hath been at Terra
Incognita
, where some
Ladies doe say their prayers;
and many Courtiers doI5r177
doe keepe their words,
where the Usurers do lend
and take no interest, and
prodigall Gallants erect
Almshouses, where Scriveners
and publicke Notaries
do weare long eares, and
Townesmen have very
short fore-heads; all these
Rarities hee saw in a drunken
Dreame. Besides, hee
said, that hee was in England,
and there he saw wonders,
as King Henry the 8
Cod-pisse, Charles Brandons
Launce, Ancient Pistol’s
Sword, Smugge the
Smiths Cap, Sir John Falstaffs
Pistoll, sar Vandunks
Bottle, Queen GuinniversI5 nivers I5v 178
Masque, Penelopes
Fan, Lucretiaes Busk, Cleopatraes
Fall, and the Musse
of Semiramis: and all these
; thousands more Whimseys,
Carwhitthets, Conondrums,
and Ænigmaticall
tricks and toyes are daily
done by Drunkards.

And can any woman
(that hath reason) or any
man that hath sence blame
us poore weak Feminines,
to bee grieved at these enormities;
I, with the best
of all my sexe doe appeale
to all whomsoever have
but indifferent capacitie
and judgement, bee they
of what degree soever, eitherI6r179
either male or female.

But yet I remember a
few mischeifs more which
drunkennes hath and doth
daily overwhelme us with
all; sometimes they quarrell,
and not onely quarrell
but kill on another in their
drunken roring vaine, and
oftentimes for very wicked
causes, these Taverne
frayes or brawls have hapned,
as sometimes because
the one had not his Cup
fill’d as full as the other,
sometimes for not drinking
all out (which is tearm’d,
winding up your bottome)
footing off your
Bowle, sup up your Cider)
orI6v180
or some other such like
learned phrase, and the casting
away of a small snuffe
hath often bred a quarrell,
or the not pledging a
Health, which was begun
to some unworthy person:
perhaps, some oppressing
inhospitable Great Man,
or to a Begging-making
Project-monger (whom a
Commonwealth is bound
to pray for over the left
shoulder) or the Health
may bee perhaps to some
musty Madam, or Muskie
Gentlewoman, or to a cō
mon prostituted Whore,
and such vile occasions as
these many men have stab’dI7r181
stab’d and slaine one another.
There hath been two
kill’d in the same unkinde
kinde, within these few
yeeres, with onely being
stab’d into the eyes with
Tobacco pipes.

And likewise, or more
properly) in the like foolish
way, they have thrown
pots down the staires, and
a Drawer, or some other
person (at the same time)
hath bin comming up the
said staires, who hath met
the said pot (being violently
cast) with their faces
or heads, and beene kill’d
out right: Thus have they
by these mad-brained coursessesI7v182
too oftentimes made
hazard of souls, by dispossessing
them from mens
bodies so suddenly and
unprepared, also they have
runne their necks into the
nooze of the Law, by making
untimely worke for
the Hangman. And lastly,
(too many of them) have
made forfeite of their estates,
goods and Lands,
leaving their wives beggerd,
and their children
nothing but a scandal, that
their father died an ignominious
death for killing
of a man when hee was
drunk.

But though this be bad which18r183
which I have related, yet
there is worse then this behinde,
for as wee are commanded
to do no murder,
(which is not to murder,
others) Then surely they
are most inhumane and
uncharitable, who doe
murder themselves; which
bloudie and barbarous fact
is not to bee excused in
such as doe wilfully drinke
themselves to death, as
Master John Stowe, in the
385 page of his Folio
Chronicle, or Annals, doth
recite a lamentable and remarkable
accident, of 180
persons that died in their
Drunkennesse in lesse then threeI8v184
three daies space, and in
the 753 page of the said
Booke, hee relates the like
that happened to our Englishmen
at the siege of the
Groyne in Gallizia, where
many hundreds lost their
lives with drinking. And
if you but consider & take
notice of our Weekly Bils
for the Sicknesse, you shall
finde that everie Weeke
some doe end their daies
onely having kill’d themselves
with Surfets, of
which all men doe know
that drunkennesse is the
chiefe occasion. And in the
Generall Bill for the yeere
16361636, it is set downe, that with-I9r185
within London and the Liberties
thereof, there died
no fewer than 371 persons
all of surfeiting, and also
24 starved with famine in
the fields & streets, whom
halfe the superfluous expences
of those that kill’d
themselves with surfeiting
might have relieved. There
are three words or names
of severall things, which
doe begin with the letter
H. All which are good (if
well used, but as they are
too much abused, they
have beene the overthrow
and ruine of many; they
are Horses, Hawkes, and
Howndes; some Horses haveI9v186
have prooved like Sinons
jade to the Trojans, their
hungry entrailes have devoured
and destroied their
Masters Illion, and scarcely
left them a Cottage to
hide their heads in, some
have found their Hawkes
like the Vulture to Prometheus,
after they have muted
away their substance,
they have prey’d and tir’d
upon their verie Hearts.
And some their have been
so addicted to Hownds,
that in the end their Dogs
have devoured them like
so many Acteons. Now
likewise there are three other
things, whose names doI10r187
do beginne with the letter
D, of which (two of them
never were, are or will bee
commodious for man, and
the third (which is most
usefull and necessary) is by
the abuse of it) the onely
bane of misgovern’d mankinde;
They are Drabbes,
Dice, and Drinke: I will
not say but Drabbes may
prefer the Prodigall from
the Palace to the Pig-stie,
where hee (being leaden
with want, misery, and
diseases) may bee brought
to learne and feele the vertue
of repentance. Secondly,
the Dicer may (by his
often slurring the bones of theI10v188
the dead) be brought to
have a feeling acknowledgment
ment of his own living and
most wretched condition:
But the Drunkard is implacably
obstinate to bee
so, he is, (as it were) riveted
to drinke, he is inexorably
rooted in his vice,
and so unmoveable in his
affection to be drunke, that
though there be remedies
for all other sins, yet there
is nothing but death it self
that can turn an old Drunkard
into a sober course.

Besides the most impudent
and frequent offenders,
that are addicted to
any other vice, be it what itI11r189
it will be, they have some
shew of modesty, or desire
of privatenesse in the acting
or committing of any
of their ingrafted or innated
enormitie. The theife
will warily watch that hee
may not be seen when hee
steales. The Whoremaster
will be close, the Bawd will
be secret, and though the
Whore bee common, yet
shee trades privately. Hee
that takes bribes will receive
them secretly, though
the Projector doe ayme at
every mans goods, yet
hee covers his intentions,
that it is for all mens good:I11v190
good, though the cause
went against the Client,
yet the Lawyer and his fee
told him other ways at the
first, and though the Devill
do day and night (with
all diligence) seek our confusion,
yet hee can sweetly
allure us with cover’d
slights & poysoned baits,
that hee hides his uglinesse
under the shape of an Angell
of Light. But the
Drunkard is more impudent
and shamelesse then
either Whoremaster, Whore,
Bawd, Thiefe, wicked Projector,
corrupted Lawyer,
or the Devill himselfe. For although allI12r191
all these before named, are
as bad, as wickednesse can
make them, yet I did never
reade or heare of any of
them that at any time were
so foolishly past shame, as
to boast or glory in any of
their villanies, as many
Drunkards will; I have
heard some to brag, how
many they have out-drank
and drank drunk in a day,
as he payd one, he pepperd
another, he sawced a third,
hee anointed a fourth, hee
scowred a fift, hee dranke
27 Glasses or Cups, and
wonne the Rumpe of a
Goose, and bravely made
all his Company as fox’d asI12v192
as fooles, and as beastly as
Swine, and all the while
this mighty and precious
piece of service was doing,
hee plyde it hard, and in
conclusion, hee was not
much worse when hee ended,
then he was when hee
began. And indeed, it is to
be believed, that as one
days worke cannot make
him much the worse, so it
is to be doubted, that many
dayes and nights, with
the friendliest counsels,
the godliest admonitions,
the sharpest reprehensions,
the severest excommunications,
the dreadfullest
execrations; all these can nei-K1r193
neither mend or move
him; but that he hath not
onely resolved to be wicked,
but also to continue
so, and to boast and glory
in it. But to boast of sinne is
a degree beyond sinne.

To lay these abhominable
enormities aside, if wee
should consider the good
a drunkard doth, you will
acknowledge him to be a
most necessary evill: and
(not to bereave him of
his due) though hee be never
well imployed, yet he
he is never idle; and besides
he sets may people a
worke, that would otherwise
be idle (or not have KmuchK1v194
much to doe:) As for example;
He puts the Constable
into businesse, hee
keepes the Watch waking;
he visits the Justice;
he fees the Clerke; hee is
profitable to the Chandler,
Tobacco-Pipe maker, and
potent Patentee; hee
keepes the Drawer in perpetuall
motion; he is beneficiall
to the Glassehouse;
he enricheth the
Wine-merchant, the Vintner,
the Cooper, the Brewer,
the Victuler, the Serjeant,
and the Jayler; and
many times hee is so great
an enemy to idlenesse, that
hee makes worke for the
Hang-man.AndK2r195

And now (sweet Sir
Seldome Sober
) I pray
your gravity to take it
into your consideration,
that these fore-named vertues
are no Womens
Workes. Alas, poore silly
Wretches as wee are,
our weake capacities can
never reach to the height
of such worthinesse, wee
have not the Art to swill
and smoak away our husbands,
our owne, our Children,
our Families, and
our Landlords food,
health, raiment, and
rent. And when any of
them are surfeited, and
dangerous sicke, what K2largeK2v196
large promises they will
make, what reformed
Men they will bee, if ever
they may recover their
Healths; and when many
of them are well againe,
the most part or great
number of them doe keep
their words like men of
Dursly. As a pretty Jest
happened lately at a Supper
amongst some Gentlemen
and Women, where
one of the gentlemen tooke
a Cup in his hand, and
said to a little Girle of 4.
Yeares of Age: “wife I will
drinke to you”
: the Child
answered him, saying,
“I will be none of your Wife”: WhyK3r197
“Why,” said he? “Because you
were drunke yesterday”
, said
she: with that they all
laught heartily. But the
man replyed, and said to
the Child, “Sweet-heart,
you shall be my Wife for all
that; for I will bee drunke
no more”
: To whom she
answered; “So my Father
said the other day, when he
was sicke, but since hee is
well againe, hee hath forgot
his Promise, and is worse
now than ever he was”
.

It is reported, that a
yong fellow was told his
Fortune once by a Witch,
or a Wizzard; which was,
that he should commit one K3ofK3v198
of these three most wicked
and abhominable
Facts, and that it was in
his choise to chuse which
of them hee would: the
one was, he should kill his
Father; the other was,
that hee should defloure
his Mother: And the third
was, that hee should bee
most deeply and extreamly
Drunke: Hee in his
Heart abhorring the two
first, detesting to bee the
Death of his Father, (from
whom he had Life) or to
pollute and defile his mother
that bore him: to avoyd
both which execrable
deedes, he made choiseK4r199
choise to be Drunke (as
thinking it the lesser
Crime of the three.) But
being brutish Barbarous,
and beastly possest with
too much Drinke, so
that he knew not what he
did, or said, hee then committed
all the three faults,
of which hee made a drunken
shift to avoyd but
two.

And what woman can
be such a Tame Foole, as
to hold her tongue in her
mouth, and (like a dumbe
Beast) say nothing to her
unthrifty Husband, that
shall day and night wash
downe his throate, with K4all,K4v200
all, or the most part of
their maintenance, and
pisse against the Wall his
health, wit, money, and
credit; and all her comfort
is, that hee comes
home, stinking, spewing,
Belching, spetting, spawing,
slavering, and (being
once laid) snoring, like
a Hogge in a Stie: or if he
be not in that veine, perhaps
he is in a worse mood
to sweare, curse, fight, fling,
and throw. As one of
your Water-men (Sir Seldome
Sober
) the first letter
of his name is J. came
home Delicately mad
Drunke, and pluckt a RopesK5r201
Ropes end out of his
Pocket, wherewith hee
most sorely beate his wife;
which shee poore woman
was faine to suffer with
griefe and impatience: but
within a weeke after, they
being friends, she provided
him the same Ropes end
for his supper, boyld in
Broth, like an Eele, and
when hee had eaten the
Broth out of the Platter,
hee tooke his Knife, with
intent to cut part of the
Eele, and finding it to be
hard for his cutting, hee
asked his Wife what it
was? “Truely Husband”, said
shee, “it is no worse than K5whatK5v
what you gave mee;
and therefore I thought
good to make it ready, and
Cooke it for your Supper.”
Sir, it is a griefe to
see, that a Gentleman of
your great Calling, is so
ill attended in the forenoones:
for commonly
the greatest number of
your servants and followers
doe lye long a bed, so
that you have but small
and slender service of
them, till three or foure
of the Clocke in the afternoone,
and from that
time, till past Mid-night:
the Tavernes, Ale-houses,
and streetes are furnishedshedK6r203
and throng’d with
all sorts of people, that
for your honour are sufficiently
Drunke, and
for your further reputations,
in all places by
their drinking, speaking,
going, or any other action
or posture of theirs they
doe declare themselves to
bee Sir Seldome Sobers
men.

And now I think it meet
and convenient to Relate
some few of their merry
Pranke and Feates which
they have done in their
drinke.

I. A young K6v 204

1.

A Young Roaring Gallant
had newly entertained
an old Gray-bearded
Serving-man, whom
his Master commanded to
fetch him some Beere, for
his Mornings draught; for
it is to bee noted, that
it is almost a generall Custome
or fashion to drinke
nothing else but Wine all
the day after. The old fellow
having brought the
Beere delivered it to his Master;K7r205
Master; who said to him
“Thou hast some experience
by reason of thy age,
and therefore I aske thy
advice, Whether it be better
for a man to take his
mornings draught standing
or sitting”
: the Servant
answered, that it is
best to take it standing:
“Nay then I perceive thou
art a foole”
, said the Gentleman:
“for all Doctors, and
Physitians, and other best
approved judgements doe
hold it meetest to drink it
sitting”
: “Truly, Sir,” said the
other, “I am of a contrary
opinion, for I thinke it
the wisest way to stand to myK7v206
my drinke in the Morning,
and to sit downe to
it in the after-noone, when
I cannot stand.”

2.

There was on Richard
Long
, who was Yeoman
Sadler to the King:
The said Long had made
shift to bee in a Taverne
a long time, from one of
Clocke in the afternoone,
till Mid-night:
in which space hee was
growne very sufficiently
drunke; at last, taking
his leave of his Comrades
(the Skie beeing almostK8r107
almost as darke as pitch)
so that Long was forced to
grope and foote out his
way, from the Burrow of
Southwarke to the Thames,
to take a Boat: and as hee
past from St.Saint Margarets
Hill
, through a way which
is called the Dead mans
place
: wherein there are
certaine Posts driven to
keepe the Carts from the
Foote-way. But Long
came stumbling, and blundring
a good pace, and
withall ranne his face and
breast against one of the
Posts, which hee taking to
be a man, up with his fist
and strooke the Post, and withK8v208
with the blow broke his
knuckles; whereat he was
more angry, and running
violently to strike another
blow, the Post repulst him
so stiffely, that Long staggard
backward, and fell
into a Ditch that was behinde
him: in which
Ditch there was a little
dirty soft Mud, (for the
water was at that time
ebb’d out) Long being
thus laid in a soft Bed, one
Nicholas Bennet, that
dwelt neare the Banke-side,
a Needle-maker by trade,
he came in stumbling Post
haste the same way, and
for want of eye-sight hee shoul-K9r209
shoulderd the said Post so
strongly, that hee was
made to recoyle in that
manner, that hee fell backward
into the Ditch also,
and as hap was, hee fell upon
Long, who supposing
that he that assaulted him
upon the way, had likewise
pursude him in the
Ditch; hee started up and
said, “Thou Rogue, what
wilt thou robbe or murther
me, thou troublest me in my
going home, thou threwest
me into this Ditch; and
dost thou follow me hither
to doe mee a further mischiefe?”
and with that hee
layes about him, and heate pooreK9v210
poore Bennet, who cryed
out to him, “Master Long,
I doe know you well enough,
as I am a Christian I fell in
here against my will: I was
driven in here by a Post that
stands in the way, I pray you
hold your hands, for I knew
not of your being here in the
Ditch: My name is Nick
Bennet
, a Needle-maker.”

Upon which words the
Battle was ended, and as
they fell in and out Post,
they grew friends, and
groap’d the way to bed
by leisure.

3. A K10r 211

3.

Another that had been
late at Foxe-catching,
was going (or intending)
home to his Lodging, the
Moone being at the full,
shining very bright, so
that the shadow of a
Signe-Post lay crosse the
Gentlemans way, that hee
by no meanes could stride
over: (for hee imagined
the shadow to bee a high
Raile) whereat he offered,
by lifting up his legge to
get over, but could not
lift high enough; all this
while the host of the house (thatK10v212
(that was the owner of the
Inne and the Signe) stood
in the shade of his doore,
and noted what danger
the Gentleman was in, and
stood closely smiling to
himselfe; but at last the other
espy’d him, and ask’d
him what hee was, and
who kept that house, that
had dared to be so bold as
to raile up the streetes, to
debarre Gentlemen of
of their passage in the
Night, to their Lodgings:
and withall he would
know what Signe was over
his head, and to whom
it belonged? To whom
the Man answered, “Sir, I amK11r213
I am a man; I keep not
the house, but the house
keepes mee; I have not
Raild up the streetes, but
you have Reeld in the
streetes: and whereas you
would know what Signe
it is, to tell you the truth
Sir, it is the Gray-hound
in Southwarke; but to
speake more properly, It
is a Signe that you are
Drunke
.”

And now I am in the
Moone-shine, I remember
a tricke or two more
of the same kind: for once
there stood a May-pole in
the Strand, which had the
shadow of it cast quite thwartK11v214
thwart the streete, which
a drunken gallant being
double-sighted, supposed
to bee a broad ditch, over
which hee could not possibly
get, till at last hee
wittily threw his Cloake
over the shadow, and after
that hee threw his
sword; and then going
backe againe some dozen
or twenty steppes, hee
fetch’t a Runne, and rann
with such great advantage,
that hee valiantly,
and fortunately Leaped
cleane over the Maypole
ditch Shadow, swearing
that hee would complaine
to the Justices

against otherunknown