Or an anſwer to Sir Seldome
Sober that writ thoſe
railing Pamphelets called
the Juniper and Crabtree
Being a ſound Reply and
a full confutation of thoſe
Bookes: with an Apology
in this caſe for the defence
of us women.
Performed byMary Tattle-well,
and Joane Hit-him-home,
Imprinted at London by I. O. and are
to be ſold by Ja. Becket at his ſhop
in the inner Temple-gate. 16401640.
The Epiſtle of the Female Frailty, to the Mal-Gender, in Generall.
If thou beeſt of the Maſculine Sexe, we meane thee, and thee onely: and therefore greete thee with theſe attributesA3butesivA3v butes following: Affable, Loving, Kinde, and Courteous: Affable we call thee, becauſe ſo apt (I will not ſay to prate but) to prattle with us: Loving, in regard that the leaſt grace being from us granted, you not onely vow to love us, but are loath to leave us: Kinde, that you will not meete with us, without Congies, not part from us with- vA4r without Kiſſes: and Courteous, becauſe ſo willing to bring your ſelves upon your Knees before us: more prone to bow unto Beauty, than to Baal; and to Idolatrize to us, rather than unto any other Idoll; and therefore our hope is, that what you uſe to proteſt in private, you will not now bluſh to profeſſe in publicke: Otherwiſe in A4clea-viA4v clearing our Cauſe, and vindicating our owne vertues, wee ſhall not doubt to divulge you, for the onely diſſemblers.
And in this caſe we appeale unto your owne Conſciences, even to the moſt crabbed and cenſorious, the moſt ſowre and ſupercilious, which of you all hath not ſolicited our Sexe? petitioned to our per-viiA5r perſons? praiſed our perfections? &c. wch of yonu hath not met us comming, followed us flying, guarded us going, ſtaid for us ſtanding, waited on us walking, and ambuſht us lying? uſe Women to Court men? or have wee at any time complained of their Coyneſſe? Have we bribed them with our Bounties? Troubled them with A5our viiiA5v our Tokens, Poetiz’d in their praiſes, prayd and proteſted, ſu’d and ſolicited, voted, and vowed to them? or rather they to us: would you apprehend a new Antipodes, to make al things to be carried by a contrary courſe, and run retrograde.
Then let the Raddiſh Roote plucke the Gardner up by the Heeles, and the ſhoulder of Mutton put theviiA6r the Cooke upon the Spit: for you as well may prove the one, as produce the other.
Yet ſuffer you us to be reviled, and railed at, taunted ; terrified, undervalu’d, and even vilified, when among you all wee cannot find one Champion to oppoſe ſo obſtinate a Challenger, but that wee are compelled to call a Ghoſt from her Grave, to ſtandviiiA6v ſtand up in the defence of ſo proud a defiance. Since then you will not be Combatants for us in ſo juſt a cauſe, wee intreat you to become competent Judges, to cenſure indifferently betwixt the Accuſer and the Accuſed; to puniſh his petulancy, and not to favour us, if wee bee found the ſole faulty.
So, if you ſhall give ourixA7r our defamer his due, and that we gaine the Honour of the Day: If you be young men, we wiſh you modeſt Maides in marriage; if Batchellours, beautifull Miſtreſſes; If Husbands, handſome wives, and good huſwifes: If widdowers, wiſe, and wealthy widowes: if young, thoſe that may delight you; if old, ſuch as may comfort you: andxA7v and ſo we women bequeath unto you all our beſt wiſhes.
Mary Tattle-well. Joane Hit him-home. Spinſters.The
The Epiſtle to the Reader.
Long Megge of Weſtminſter, hearing the abuſe offered to Women, riſeth out of her grave, and thus ſpeaketh:
Why raiſe you quiet ſoules out of the grave?
To trouble their long ſleep? What peeviſh KnaveHath xii A8v
Hath wakned my dead aſhes? and breath’d fire
Into colde embers? never to reſpire,
Till a new reſurrection? ſo forc’t now:
(Through innocent Womens clamours) that I vow,
Th’earth could not hold mee, but I was compeld
To look on what (’tis long ſince I beheld)
The Sun and Day; what have wee women done,
That any one who was a mothers ſonne
Should thus affront our ſex? hath he forgot
From whence hee came? or doth hee ſeek to blotHis xiii A9r
His owne conception? Is hee not aſham’d,
Within the liſt of Mankinde to bee nam’d?
Or is there in that Maſculine ſex another
(Saving this Monſter) will diſgrace his mother?
I Margery, and for my upright ſtature
Sirnam’d Long Megge: of well diſpoſed nature,
And rather for mine honour, then leaſt ſcorne
Titled from Weſtminſter, becauſe there borne.
And ſo Long Megge of Weſtminſter; to heare
Our fame ſo branded, could no way forbeareBut
But rather than diſgeſt fſo great a wrong,
Muſt to my aſhes give both life and tongue.
And then (poore Poet) whatſoere thou beeſt
That in my now diſcovery, thy fault ſeeſt.
Confeſſe thine errour, fall upon thy knees,
From us, to begge thy pardon by degrees.
Elſe, I that with my ſword and buckler durſt
Front ſwaggering Ruffians, put them to the worſt.
Of whom, the begging ſouldier, when he ſaw
My angry brow; trembled, and ſtood in awe.I xiv A9v
I that have frighted Fencers from the Stage,
(And was indeed, the wonder of mine Age,
For I have often, to abate their prides,
Cudgeld their coats ; lamm’d their legs and ſides.
Croſſe mee no Tapſter durſt at any rate,
Leſt I ſhould break his Jugs about his pate.
’Tis knowne the ſervice that I did at Bulloigne,
Beating their French armes cloſe unto their woollein:
They can report, that with my blows and knocks
I made their bones ake, worſe then did the Pocks.Of xv A10r
Of which King Henry did take notice then,
And ſaid; amongſt my brave and valiant men,
I know not one more reſolute, or bolder,
And would have laid his ſword upon my ſhoulder,
But that I was a woman: And ſhall I
Who durſt ſo proud an Enemy defie?
So fam’d in field, ſo noted in the Frenches,
A preſident to all our Brittiſh Wenches,
Feare to affront him; or his ſoule to vexe,
Who dares in any termes, thus taunt our ſex?
Therefore relent thine errour I adviſe theeElſe xvi A10v
Elſe in what ſhame ſoere thou ſhalt diſguiſe thee,
I ſhall inquire thee out: nay, if thou ſhould
Take on thee all thoſe figures Proteus could,
It were in vaine: nay, (which the more may daunt thee)
Even to the grave, I vow my ghost ſhall haunt thee.
Therefore, what’s yet amiſſe, ſtrive to amend,
Thou knoweſt thy doom, if farther thou offend.
The womens ſharpe Revenge: Or, An Anſwer to Sir Seldome Sober, that writ thoſe ſcandelous Pamphlets, called the Juniper and Crab-tree Lectures.
The Introduction. As from ſeveral cauſes proceed ſundry effects, ſo from ſeveral actions ariſe ſundry Bhonours2B1v 2 honours with the addition of Names and Titles annexed unto them: neither need wee ſtand to prove that by argument, which wee finde by dayly experience. As for example, ſome are raiſed for their wealth, others for their worth; ſome by the Law, others by their learning: Some by Martiall Diſcipline; and (by your favour too) others for malicious detraction, as thinking to riſe by others ruines, and by ſupplanting others, to ſupport themſelves. In which number wee muſt ranke you Maſter Satyriſt, the3B2r 3 the paſſionate Author of thoſe moſt pittiful pamphlets called the Juniper Lectures, and Crab-tree Lectures; who by your meere Knavery, ambitious to purchaſe Knight-hood, ; to adde a ſir-reverence to A Title Which we women beſtow upon our Godſon, the Author of thoſe Lectures. your name, are now arrived to the height of your Aime, and from plaine Seldome Sober, are now come to the Title of Sir Seldome Sober, who wee terme ſo, for he is aſhamed to ſet his name to bookes; a Name fitting his Nature, and well complying with his condition.
And as there have beene B2for-4B2v 4 formerly, by your meanes, Sir Seldome Sober, many railing, bitter, invective Paſquills, and Scurrilous Libels, ſome written, ſome printed, and all diſperſt and ſcattered abroad, all of them made and forg’d on purpoſe to callumniate, revile, deſpight, jeere, and flout women: and now lately one or two of the The Juniper Crabtree, and Wormewood Lectures. ſonnes of Ignorance have pen’d three ſeverall, ſweet, filthy, fine ill-favoured Pamphlets, which are Printed, and (out of the moſt deepe ſhallowneſſe of the Authors aboundant want of Wiſedom) they are5B3r 5 And a new Lecture called the Bolſter Lecture. are called Lectures, as the Juniper Lecture, the Crab- tree Lecture, ; the Wormwood Lecture, wherein they have laid moſt falſe aſperſions upon all women generally: ſome they have taxed with incontinency, ſome with uncivility, ſome with ſcolding, ſome with drinking, ſome with backbiting and ſlandering their neighbours, ſome with a continual delight in lying, ſome with an extraordinary deſire of perpetuall goſſipping: in a word, we are each of us accuſed and blazed to bee addicted and and frequently delighted B3with6B3v6 with one grievous enormity or other, wherein, although it be true, that we are all the daughters of Eve in frailty, yet they might have remembred that they likewiſe are all the ſons of Adam, in failing, falling, ; offending. We are not ſo partial in the defence of all Womens vertues, that we thereby doe hold none to be vicious. Some are incontinent by Nature (or inheritance) from their Mothers; ſome through extreame want and poverty have beene forced to make more bold with that which is their owne, then7B4r 7 then to begge, ſteale, or borrow from others: Some (by the harſh uſage of their too unkinde huſbands) have beene driven to their ſhifts hardly: ſome having had the hard fortune to match with ſuch Coxecombes, as were jealous without a cauſe, have by their ſuſpitious, dogged, and crabbed dealing towards their wives, given too often, and too much cauſe to make their jealouſie true. And whereas a Womans reputation is ſo poore, that if it be but ſo much as ſuſpected, it will belong before the ſuſpitionB4on8B4v8 on will be cleared: but if it be once blemiſhed or tainted, the ſtaines and ſpots are of ſuch a tincture, that the dye of the blemiſhes will ſticke to her all her life time, and to her Children after her. But for the man hee takes or aſſumes to himſelfe ſuch a looſe liberty, or liberty of licentious looſeneſſe, that though he be (as they call it) a Common Towne. Bull, or a runner at ſheepe though hee paſſe the cenſures of ſpirituall courſes, or high Commiſſions, yet (by cuſtome) his diſgrace will be quickly worne out, and 9 B5r 9 and ſay it was but a tricke of youth: for the ſhame Nay rather a whoremunger. or ſcandall of a whoremaſter is like a nine dayes wonder, or a Record written in ſand, or like a ſuit of Tiffany, or Cobweb Lawne, ſoone worne out: but the faults of a weake Woman, are a continuall alarum againſt her, they are ingraven in braſſe, and like a ſuit of Buffe, it may be turn’d, and ſcour’d and ſcrapt, and made a little cleanly, but it laſts the whole life time of the wearer. But to come to the worke in hand, as you you have a Title beſtowed B5 upon 10 B5v upon you by your backe friends, and we thinke deſervedly.
So wee have knowne ſome, who have arrived to that Worſhipfull Title through favour alſo, rather than deſert, and more by voyces than their vertues, meerely by the mad ſufrage of the many headed monſter Multitude, which conſiſteth of Man: yet upon better advice, and more Mature Conſideration, when their merits and miſdemeanours have been more narrowly ſifted, and looked into (being well compared together) they have11B6r 11 have not onely beene diſcrac’d, but degraded: ſo that now that worſhipfull worke for which you have beene ſo much magnified by the Maſculines, being now called into queſtion by a Feminine Jury of women. It is thought after a The firſt opinion of the Jury of women. true and juſt examination thereof to bee meerely villified, and that it is nothing but a meere ſcandalous report, and therefore moſt juſtly condemned by the unanimous aſſent of all our Sexe; before whom, your Bartholmew Faire Booke, and moſt lying Lectures, hath not onely been12B6v 12 beene convented, but arraigned, lawfully convicted, and moſt juſtly condemned.
Now becauſe no equall and indifferent cenſure ſhall any way juſtly except at, the Jury that went upon the cauſe: they were theſe. Twelve good women and true which will give you in order.
The 12 women which are choſen for the Jury. The fore-woman, who had the firſt and prime voyce, who gave up the Verdict, was Siſley ſet him out, Sarah ſet on his skirts, Kate call him to account, Tomaſin Tickle him, Prudence pinch him, Franke firkhim13B7r13 him, Beſſe bind him, Chriſtian Commit him, Parnel puniſh him, Mall make him yeeld, Beteriſh baniſh him, Hellen Hang him.
Now if this be not a competent Jury, not to bee excepted at, and a legall Triall, no way to be revoked, we appeale unto you men, our greateſt adverſaries, and moſt violent abaters of our injuries.
And yet further to make the cauſe more plaine and evident of our ſides, wee thought it good in our better conſideration, not onely to publiſh unto the world, the calumnies and ſlanders14B7v14 ſlanders aſperſt upon us: But our juſt Articles objected againſt him, and by comparing them together, to diſtinguiſh ſo betwixt them, that the truth may grow apparent.
Their opinion of what profeſſion the Author was. But firſt touching the perſon who put theſe foule and calumnious aſperſions upon us: If hee were a Tailer, moſt ſure he was a womans Tailer, or (if ſo) no good Artiſt, becauſe not being able to take the meaſure of a womans body, much leſſe was he powerfull to make a true dimenſion of her minde, (and therein you are15B8r 15 are gone Maſter Tayler) nay, what Artiſt ſoever you were, (for in one I include all) moſt of you have Wives and Children, and love them, and are indulgent over them, and wherefore then doe you incourage ſuch invectives againſt us? If you beeing of your ſelves lewd, we be loving: wee well tutord, you untoward: we familiar you froward: we doating, and you dogged: and what wee get by ſpinning in the day, you ſpend in the night, and come reeling from the Taverne or the Alehouſe: Is the faultours? 16B8v16 our? or are wee worthy any to bee blamed for this?
Firſt they find him no ſcholar. Next in our Curious Inquiſition and ſearch, we finde him moreover to be no Schollar at all, as neither underſtanding us in our Gender, Number, nor Caſe, &c.
Not in one Gender, They prove him to be none. for in all the Creatures that were ever made, there is a mutuall love, and an alternate affection betwixt the Male and the Female: for otherwiſe there would be no Generation at all. But this moſt approved conſociety by all his induſtryduſtry17B9r17 duſtry and endeavour hee ſtriveth to annihilate, and diſanull, forgetting that even hee himſelfe by the ſame Unity and Unanimity, had his firſt originall and being.
Wherein his failing is. Then he faileth in Number, by making all of us in generall, not onely to bee wayward, but wicked, tedious, but troubleſome, lazy, but loathſome, with many of the like enormities: and indeed we know not what his inveterate malice or madnes would ſtretch unto: when, if perchance there may bee found18B9v18 found a ſingular Number of ſuch delinquents, yet there may bee a plurall, (and that ſtretcheth beyond all limit and account) who never tranſgreſt; or fell into thoſe groſſe errours, of which he ſo Satyrically accuſeth our Sexe.
He is quite out in all the Caſes But in our Caſes hee is moſt horrible out, and directly oppoſeth all the Rules of Grammer. For inſtance,
Firſt, in the Nomnative. In the Nominative, by calling us out of our Names, and in the ſtead of Maidenly Modeſt, Matron-like, &c. to brand us19B10r19 us with the Characters of ſcoulds, vixens, praters, pratlers, and all the abuſive Epithites that ſpleene or malice can invent, or deviſe.
Second, in the Genetive. In the Genetive, by making us to be looſe, laſcivious, wanton, wilfull, inconſtant, incontinent, and the Mothers of miſbegotten Children, by which hee unadviſedly bringeth himſelfe within the doubtfull ſuſpition of ſpuriouſneſſe, and Baſtardy.
Third, in the Dative In the Dative, by giving and conferring upon our geneneral Sex, ſuch ſtrange and20B10v 20 and almoſt unheard of aſpertions: which as we have little deſir’d, ſo we never deſerv’d, forgetting that he includeth his Mother, Siſters, ; Nieces, Daughters; nay, his own boſome wife, (if hee have any in the ſame Catalogue.)
Fourth, in the Accuſative. In the Accuſative, by falſe calumnies, and injuſt Accuſation contrary to all Schollar-ſhip: as ignorant, that Fœmineo generi tribuuntur―――― Propria quae maribus.
Fifth, in the Vocative. In the Vocative, becauſe it is like to the nomnative.
Sixt, in the Ablative. In the Ablative, becauſecauſe21B11r cauſe he ſtriveth to take away our credits, reputations, Fame, good Name, &c. All which argue, and approve, that hee was in a bad Moode, and worſe Tence at the Writing of thoſe malicious Lectures.
He is no Poet. A Poet ſure hee could not be: for not one of them but with all his induſtry ſtrived to celebrate the praiſes of ſome Miſtris or other: as for example, Amongſt the Greekes, Ariſtophanes, Meander, &c. Amongſt the Romans, Catullus his Leſbir, Gallus his Licoris, Ovid 22 B11v 22 and Ovid his Corina. Amongſt the Spaniards, George de Monte major his Diana; and Aulius March his Tyreſa. Amongſt the Italians, Petroch his Laura, &c. And of our owne Nation, Learned Maſter Spencer his Roſalinde, and Sam.Samuel Daniel his Delia &c.
Now to make the caſe They make the caſe plain. more plaine and evident of our ſides, wee have thought it good to publiſh unto the World thoſe matters of which hee was arraigned, and now juſtly convicted. The firſt was ſcoffing and taunting at our23B12r 23 our Sexe in generall: now who knowes not, but that Quips and Scoffes are nothing elſe but the depraving of the Actions of others, the overflowing of wits, and the ſuperfluous ſoummes of conceite, and for the moſt partt, asking others of thoſe errours of which themſelves ſtand moſt guilty; and hee that playeth the ſcoffing foole beſt, though it may bee in him a ſigne of ſome wit, yet it is an argument of no wiſedome at all. Adders keep their venome in their Tayles, but the poyſon of a Buffone lyeth in his tongue,24B12v24 tongue, and faults wilfully committed by mocking cannot be ſatisfied, or recompenſed by repentance. But better it is for a man Better for a man to be borne fooliſh, then to imploy his wits unwiſely. deletedto bee borne fooliſh, than to imploy his wit unwiſely; for mockery is nothing elſe, but an Artificiall injury, and wee finde by proofe, that there be more mockers, than well meaners; and more that delight in fooliſh prating, then that practice themſelves in wholeſome precepts; we muſt confeſſe that to jeſt is tollerable, but to doe harme by jeſtings, is inſufferable; for it25C1r 25 it is too late to prevent ill, after ill committed, or to amend wrong after injury received. Many things that are ſweete in the Mouthe, may prove bitter in the ſtomacke and ſcoffes pleaſant to the eare, may be harſh to the better underſtanding. But whoſoever ſhal undertake in his curioſity of Wit, to deride an innocent, either with flattery or foolery, ſhall but delude himſelfe in his owne inſufficiency and folly: for as the faireſt Beauty may prove faulty, ſo even the wittieſt ſcoffe may prove ridiculous:C lous26C1v26 lous: And notwithſtanding all thoſe Fooles bolts, ſo fondly aimed, and ſo ſuddenly ſhot, we have this Sentence from one of the Wiſe men, to comfort us, that loſſe which is ſuſtained with modeſty, is much better than the gaine purchaſed by impudence. Nay, to bee accounted a Princes Jeſter, is to be eſteemed no better than a meere mercinary Foole. And this Railer being in a lower ranke, as having dependance upon none but his owne defamatory Pen, what Epithite bad enough may we deviſe27C2r27 deviſe to conferre upon him; but we remember thus much, ſince wee firſt read our Accidence.
Quæ vult, quæ no vult audiet.
He that to ſpeake will not forbeare,
More (then he would have ſpoke) ſhall heare.
The ſecond thing he ſtands convicted of is Detraction. The ſecond thing of which he ſtandeth convicted, is detraction and ſlander, which is the ſuperfluity of a cankered heart, overcome with Choler, C2and28C2v28 and wanting meanes and opportunity of deſired revenge, growes into ſcandalous and reproachfull ſpeeches. The Teſtates of Hate and Malice, whoſe condition is to call Innocence into queſtion, thogh not able to prove ought against it: and ſuch are worſe to us than Vipers, for thoſe when we ſpie we kill them; but theſe when we cheriſh they kill us. It is obſerv’d that the corrupt heart diſcovereth it ſelfe by the lewd tongue, and thoſe that ſpeake evill of Women, are held no better than Monſters amonſt good29C3r 29 good men; but ſuch for the moſt part, who ſeeke to bring others into hatred, have in proceſſe of time growne odious even to themſelves: but ſuch may be compared to him, which bloweth the powder that fluſheth into his owne face, and troubleth his ſeeing: nay ſuch are ſaid to murther three at once; firſt, himſelfe, next, him that gives eare to his ſcandals and reports them after him; and laſtly, him whoſe good name hee ſeeketh to take away; not conſidering, that Nature hath beſtowedC3ed30C3v30 ed upon us two eares, and two eyes, yet but one tongue; which is an Embleme unto us, that though we heare and ſee much, yet ought wee to ſpeake but little: They that can keepe their Tongues keepe their friends; for few words cover much Wiſedome, and even fooles being ſilent have paſt for wiſe men. But the Proverbe is, that even thoſe that but liſten, or give encouragement to ſcandall, or miſ-report, deſerve to loſe their hearing, if not their eares.And 31 C4r 31
And therefore, gentle Reader, beleeve not every ſmooth Tale that is told, neither give too much credit to the Plaintiffe before you heare the Defendant Apology for himſelfe, leſt through light truſt thou bee deceived, and by thy too eaſie beliefe, manifeſtly deluded.
But it is the faſhion of all theſe calumniating Coxecombes, to bite thoſe by the backe, whom they know not how to catch by the bellies.
A third thing objected and proved againſt him. The third thing objected, and proved upon him, is palpable lying; againſt C4which,32C4v 32 which, the Ægptyians made a Law, that who ſo uſed it ſhould not live. The like did the Scithians, the Garamants, the Perſians, and the Indians. Now how much hee hath belyed the worthineſſe of our Sexe, I appeale to any underſtanding Reader, who hath puruſed his Bookes, if hee have not branded us with many a falſe and palpable untruth, as ſhall bee made more apparent hereafter, when we come to the enrowling of his Books, and anatomizing his Lectures. But is is an old ſaid Saw, and33C5r 33 and a true: We cannot better reward a Lyer, then in not believing any thing that he speaketh: ſo odious is the very name, that in the opinion of many, a Thiefe may be preferred before him: for it is his property to take upon him the habite and countenance of Honeſty, that he may the more ſecretly inſinuate, and more ſubtilly deceive by his Knavery.
They indite him of Hereſie He was indited alſo of Hereſie, and falſe opinion, which hath power to make men arme themſelves one againſt another,C5ther,34C5v34 ther, and all of them againſt us. It is borne of Winde, and fed by imagination, never judging rightly of any thing as it is indeed, but as it ſeemes to bee, making what it probable improvable; and impoſſibilities, poſſibilities: nay, it is of ſuch force, that it overthroweth the love betwixt man and wife, Father and Child, Friend and Friend, Maſter and Servant: nay more, it is as the Spring and Fountaine of ſeditione; and who knowes not but all ſedition is evill, how honeſt ſoever theground35C6r35 ground be pretended.
They prove him perjur’d. And laſt of perjury, in making breach of that oath which he made when he was firſt marryed: for in the ſtead of taking his Wife to have and to hold, for better and worſe: with my body I the worſhip, with all my worldly goods I thee endow, &c. hee hath runne a courſe cleane contrary to all this, in taunting and ſcoffing, baiting and abuſing, rayling and reviling at all our Sexe in generall, from which number even his wife to whom hee vowed all the former, and who36C6v 36 who nightly ſleepeth, or ought to ſleepe in his boſome, is not excluded: or ſay that ſhe was of a perverſe and turbulent ſpirit, a crabbed or curſt condition, or a diſſolute and divelliſh diſpoſition. Say that ſhe was given to gadding and goſſiping, to revelling or royoting (ſo that hee might very well ſing, I cannot keepe my Wife at home) or ſay that, not without juſt cauſe, ſhe might make him jealous: what is this to the generality of the Female Gender? one Swallow makes not a Summer: nor for the37C7r 37 the delinquency of one, are all to be delivered up to cenſure? As there was a Lais, ſo there was a Lucrece: And a wiſe Cornelia, as there was a wanton Corina: And the ſame Sexe that hath bred Malefactors, hath brought forth Martyrs.
Strong arguments. An this is an argument which we might amplifie even from the Originall of all Hiſtory; nay, and would not ſpare to doe it, had wee but the benefit of your breeding.
But it hath beene the policy of all parents, even from the beginning to curbe38C7v38 curbe us of that benefit, by ſtriving to keep us under, and to makes us mens meere Vaſſailes even unto all poſterity. How elſe comes it to paſſe, that when a Father hath a numerous iſſue of Sonnes and Daughters, the ſonnes forſooth they muſt bee firſt put to the Grammar ſchoole, and after perchance ſent to the Univerſity, and trained up in the Liberall Arts and Sciences, and there (if they prove not Block-heads) they may in time be booklearned: And what doe they then? read the Poets39 C8r39 Poets perhaps, out of which, if they can picke out any thing maliciouſly deviſed, or malignantly divulged by ſome mad Muſe, diſcontented with his coy or diſdainfull Miſtris; then in imitation of them, he muſt divide ſome paſſionate Elogy, and pittifull ay-me: and in the ſtead of picking out the beſt Poets, who have ſtrived to right us, follow the other, who doe nothing but raile at us, thinking he hath done his Miſtris praiſe, when it may bee hee hath no Miſtris at all, but onely feignes to him-40C8v 40 himſelfe ſome counterfeit Phillis, or Amarillis; ſuch as had never any perſon, but a meere ayery name: and againſt them hee muſt volly out his vaine Enthuſiaſmes, and Raptures, to the diſgrace and prejudice of our whole Sexe.
The reaſon why women are not ſo learned as men. When we, whom they ſtile by the name of weaker Veſſells, though of a more delicate, fine, ſoft, and more plyant fleſh, and therefore of a temper moſt capable of the beſt Impreſſion, have not that generous and liberall Educations, leſt we ſhould bee41C9r 41 bee made able to vindicate our owne injuries, we are ſet onely to the Needle, to pricke our fingers: or elſe to the Wheele to ſpinne a faire thread for our owne undoings, or perchance to ſome more durty and deboyſt drudgery: If wee be taught to read, they then confine us within the compaſſe of our Mothers Tongue, and that limit wee are not ſuffered to paſſe; or if (which ſometimes happeneth) wee be brought up to Muſick, to ſinging, and to dancing, it is not for any be-42C9v42 benefit that thereby wee can ingroſſe unto our ſelves, but for their own particular ends, the better to pleaſe and content their licentious appetites, when we come to our maturity and ripeneſſe: and thus if we be weake by Nature, they ſtrive to makes us more weake by our Nurture. And if in degree of place low, they ſtrive by their policy to keepe us more under.
Now to ſhew wee are no ſuch deſpiſed matter as you would ſeeme to make us, come to our firſt Creation, when man was madeof 43C10r43 of the meere duſt of the earth, the woman had her being from the beſt part of his body, the Rib next to his heart: which difference even in our complexions may bee eaſily decided. Man is of a dull, earthy, and melancholy aſpect, having fallowoes in in his face, and a very forreſt upon his Chin, when our ſoft and ſmooth Cheekes are a true repreſentation of a delectable garden of intermixed Roſes and Lillies.
In what the Women agree to. We grant it for a truth, that as there is no ſword made of ſteele, but it hath Iron,44C10v Iron: no fire made of the ſweeteſt Wood, but it hath Smoake: Nor any Wine made of the choyſeſt Grapes, but it hath Lees: So there is no Woman made of fleſh, but ſhe hath ſome faults. And I pray you are there any men, who are not ſubject to the like frailties.
Aſpertions laid upon Women. Others have ſaid that Cloſets of Womens thoughts are alwayes open; and the depth of their hearts hath a ſtring that reacheth to their Tongues: and ſay this be granted, may wee not alſo45C11r 45 alſo ſay of mens breaſts that lye unvaild to entertaine all vices: and whatſoever they cannot ſufficiently twatle with their Tongues, they cannot contain themſelves there, but the muſt publiſh it with their Pennes: (one of the grand faults of which our arch Adverſary at this preſent ſtandeth convicted.)
Women the true glory of Angels. I have heard from the mouth of the learned, that a faire, beautifull, ; chaſte woman was the perfect Image of her Creator, the true glory of Angels, the rare myracle of Earth and46C11v 26 and the ſole wonder of Women are the beſt Creatures on earth. the World: and more over that the man who is married to a peaceable and vertuous wife, being on earth hath attained Heaven, being in want hath arrived to wealth, being in woe is poſſeſt of weale, and being in care enjoyeth comfort; but contrarily of man, who ever gave ſuch a Noble Character?
But I will not inciſt too long upon this argument, though it might be ſtrong there by the authority both of Preſident and Hiſtory, leaſt we might bee critically taxed of ſelfelovelove47C12r47 love and flattery. And yet that wee may make a ſafe fortification and Bulwarke againſt our Adverſaries ſo violent aſſault and Battery, give us leave to proceed a little further.
What brave men have writ in womens praiſe. If wee bee ſo contemptible growne either in Quality and Condition, in Converſation or Deportment, in Name, or Nature, how comes it that ſo many elaborate Pennes have beene imployed in our prayſe, and there have beene ſuch witty Encomiums Writ in our Commendation? ſuch as have ſweld Volumes,lumes,48C12v48 lumes, and enricheth Liberaries. What Oades, Hymnes, Love-ſongs, and Laudatories, in all kinde of ſweete meaſure and number have not beene by Poets deviſed to extoll the beauties and vertues of their Miſtriſſes? What power have they not cald upon? and what Muſe not invoakt, that they might give them their full meed ; merit? by which only, divers have attained to the honour of the Lawrell, amongſt all Nations, Tongues, and Language in all Frequency from Antiquity.Were 49 D1r 49
Were it a thing new or rare, or of late birth, it perhaps might be cald into ſome ſuſpition and queſtion: but carrying with it the reverence of Age, Antiquity, and Cuſtome, what can we hold him but ſome novice in knowledge, and childe in knowledge, and childe in underſtanding, that ſhall preſume or dare any kinde of way to contradict it.
But there are many malevolent and ill diſpoſed perſons, who having by all crafty and ſubtle Traines inſidiated the chaſtities as well of maids as Matrons, making no Ddiſtin-50D1v 50 diſtinction betwixt wives and Matrons, who being diſappoynted in their ill purpoſe, by the vertues of of thoſe good Women, whom they thought to vitiate, have preſently growne into ſuch a paſſionate Fury, and melancholy madneſſe, that having no other meanes to revenge themſelves, they have ſtudied how by their tongues to trouble them, or by their penns traduce them: And ſo, whoſe bodies they could not compaſſe, their good Names they would corrupt, and of ſuch, this Age affords too many, which50D2r51 which (alas the while) makes a great ſort of us much to ſuffer in our reputations: but wee againe comfort our ſelves with this poore Cordiall, That of ſufferance commeth eaſe: and though truth may be blamed, yet can never be ſhamed.
Other examples. Others there are, who of their ill fortune hath beene to light upon a bad match, a Shrow, a Wanton, or the like, (as there are of all ſorts in all ſexes) they ſet downe their reſt there, and ſeeke no farther, but meaſure all other mens Corne by their D2owne52D2v52 owne buſhell, as thinking none can bee rich becauſe he himſelfe is a Banquerupt; which is juſt as if a man that by chance ſhall cut his finger, ſhould ever after refuſe the uſe of a knife; or having ſcorcht his hand, ſweare never to warme him at the fire, or having bin pincht with a ſtraight ſhooe, now all his life time to goe barefoot.
If women be ſo bad, why doe men proffer their ſervice ; love to them. Further, if wee were ſuch toyes and trifles, or ſo vile and vitious, as our adverſarie ſtriveth to make the world beleeve we are; how comes this ſeeking,53D3r53 ſeeking, this ſuing; this Courting, this cogging; this prating, this proteſtting; this vowing, this ſwearing, but onely to compaſſe a ſmile, a kind looke; a favour, or a good word from one of us? can any be ſo ſimple to ſeeke his affliction? or ſo ſottiſh to ſue for his owne ruine? what foole would trouble himſelfe to find his owne torment? or what Coxecombe purſue his owne confuſion? Is he not worſe than franticke, that deſires his owne fall? and more than a mad man that hunteth after his owne miſery?D3Then54D3v54 Then by conſequence, if we be apiſh and waggiſh, wilfull and wanton; ſuch cares, ſuch burdens, ſuch troubles, ſuch torments, ſuch vexation, ſuch Serpents, ſuch Syrens, or ſuch may-games, or rather monſters as you would make If men ſee ſuch dangers in women, why doe they not let them alone. of us: why cannot you let us alone, and leave us to our owne weakenes and imperfections? if then ſeeing ſuch palpable danger before your eyes, and you wilfully run into it; if you ſee Hell gates open, and you violently enter them: are you not more ſimple than babes and Children? nay55D4r 55 nay than Fooles, Cockſcombes, Frantickes and mad men; Epithites attributes not without your owne gilt, moſt juſtly and deſervedly throwne upon you.
And much good may they doe you, I pray you weare them for our ſakes as the beſt favours you have merited from us; whilſt wee in the interim ſtrive to vindicate our Sexe from all vainely ſuppoſed, but voluntary ſuggeſted calumnies.
Wee have heard of a Gun-pouder Treaſon plotted by men, but never D4heard56D4v56 heard ſince the beginning Women were never Actors of Gunpowder Treaſons. of the world ſuch a diveliſh ; damned Stratagem deviſed by women; and yet you are the Maſculine milke-ſops that dare doe nothing, and we the Feminine undertakers, that dare to enterprize all things. Can you reade of any female gilty of the like inhumane acts? or was any one of our Sexe ever nominated to be conſcious Women have no hand in any Conſpiracy. of trayterous conſpiracy againſt their King and Country? nay rather, women have bin ſorry, that through the luſts and importunity of men, they have57D5r 57 have bin forced to bee the mothers of ſuch monſters: and therefore Sir Seldome Sober, it may bee preſuppos’d, that when you writ this bitter invective, you were either in your holyday and hic-up healths, in your bouzing Cups, and bouncing Cans; and had got a politicke pot in your pate, or you were elſe in your deadly dumps and drowſie dreames, which were ſo violent at that time upon you, that they made you deſtitute of knowledge, and quite voyd of underſtanding.
It is further knowne, D5that58D5v58 Women never rebelled, or cōmenced Suites of Law againſt the King. that when men out of their vaine ambitious fooleries have commenced Warre one againſt the other, when a City hath bin beſieged, and the fainthearted men have bin ready to give it up to ſpoile and ranſacke: The women have ſtood up, man’d and maintained the walls, and What brave actions womē have performed from time to time. ſtopt and defended the Breaches, whilſt your brave male Martialiſts have bin ready to beray their breeches; beate the enemy out of their Trenches, ſav’d their ſelves from proſtitution, their City from deſolation, and their59D6r59 their Husbands and Children from captivity and bondage.
Nay more, it is authentically recorded, that when two Provinces of Greece fought together, and the one party fled and gave way to the Enemy: The wives ; mothers of theſe which were diſtreſſed ſtopped them in their flight, and ſhewing themſelves naked above the navell, cald unto them and rated them for their Cowardiſe, demanding of them whether they went to cover themſelves, in the places from whence they firſt came60D6v 60 came, and were firſt conceived, and to be buried where they were borne; at which ſight they were ſo abaſhed and aſhamed, that they tooke freſh courage; and turning their faces from them upon the enemy, they gained thereby a great and glorious victory.
Some doe accuſe us to be The reaſons why women are accuſed for lying. much given to lying; indeed I muſt confeſſe it to be a fault in the moſt of the beſt Wives: yet I would have our detractor to know that every excuſe is not a lye, or if it bee, then are moſt Husbands behol-61D7r 61 beholding to their Wives for excuſing them too often in lying to ſave their credits: for alas (poore wretches) we are faine to hide and cover their faults and imperfections with our poore excuſes, as for example; if one of them be crewell, crabbed, and curriſh, that hee will ſnap, ſnarle, and bite with his dogged language and conditions, then the poore woman (like a foole) reports him to be a kind, loving, and affectionate huſband, ergo ſhe lyes; another knowes her Husband to bee a wicked Whore hunter,hunter,62D7v62 hunter, and that he doth (in a manner) keepe a Trull or two under her noſe; yet ſhee will ſay her noſe; yet ſhee will ſay her Husband is a very honeſt man: ergo ſhe lyes too. A third ſpends moſt of his time in drinking or gameing, and his poore wife is ſo kind, as to acknowledge him for a good painefull, ſober, and civill Husband, and I am ſure ſhe lyes abhominable. I could inſiſt further into ſuch particulars, but theſe are ſufficient to ſhew that the moſt part of women being lyers, is onely out of goodneſſe to coverthe 63D8r63 the faults and abuſes of wicked men.
No woman ſo full of inormities as men are. Whereas they taxe us of incivillity, I would have any indifferent man or woman to take notice, that it is a very hard winter when one Wolfe doth eate another, or when the Kill doth upbraid the Oven for being burnt; for though we doe not brag, or prate, (like the boaſting vaine-glorious Phariſee) that wee are not like other folks in conditions, or (in a word not worthy to compare with men for their unknowne inviſible good parts and qualities)yet64D8v64 yet ſurely, we neither can, or doe run head-long into ſuch impious inormities; with ſuch uncontroulable violence as they doe: as if they were Created for no other uſe or purpoſe, then to ſweare, blaſpheme, quarrell, be drunke, game, Rore, Whore, murder, ſteale, cheat; ; in briefe, to be daily practiſers and Proficients in the moſt liberall ſeven deadly Sins: and theſe are the excellent civill behaviours of thoſe man-like monſters that doe taxe women generally with incivillity.
If women be proud (or adicted65D9r65 If we women bee adicted to pride, it is long of you men. adicted to pride) it is ten to one to be laid, that it is the men that makes them ſo; for like inchaunters, they doe never leave or ceaſe to bewitch ; charme poore women with their flatteries, perſwading us that our beauty is incomperable, our complexion of white and red, like Straberies and Creame; our cheekes like damaske Roſes covered with a veile of Lawne, our lips are Corall, our teeth Ivory, our haires Gold, our eyes Chryſtall, or Sunns, or Load-ſtars, or Loves Darts: our glances Launces, our voyces, our66D9v 66 our breathes perfum’d Muſicke, our vertues Immortall, and our whole frame, feature, and compoſure Celeſtiall.
When I was a young maid of the age of fifteene, there came to mee in the wooing way, very many of thoſe Flyblowne Puf-paſt Suitors: amongſt the reſt, one of them was as brave a Gentleman, as any Tayler could make him: he under-went the noble Title of a Captaine, ; if I had made triall of him, I doubt not but I might have found him a moſt deſperate Chamber Champion, for he did ſcent of the MuskCatCat67D10r 97 Cat inſtead of the Musket, he was an Ambergreace gallant, that once was a valient Tilting Ruſh-breaker at the married of the Lady Joſinqua, daughter to the Duke of Calabria, verily he was a dainty purfum’d carpet Captaine, a powdred Potentate, a painted Periwig frizled, frounced, Geometricall curious Glaſ-gazer, a comb’d, curl’d and curried Commander, a reſolute profeſt Chacer or hunter of faſhions, and a moſt ſtiffe, printed, briſtled, beardſtarcher.
This Captaine Complement, with his Page Implementplement,68D10v68 plement, laid hard Siege to the weake Fortreſſe of my fraile Carkaſſe, hee would ſweare that his life or death were either in my accepting or rejecting his ſuite, he would lye and flatter in proſe, ; cogge and foyſt in verſe moſt ſhamefully; he would ſometimes ſalute me with moſt delicious Sentences, which he alwayes kept in ſirrup, and hee never came to me empty mouth’d or handed; for hee was never unprovided of ſtew’d Annagrams, bak’d Epigrams, ſows’d Madrigalls, pickled Round delayes, broyld Sonnets,69D11r69 Sonnets, parboild Elegies, perfum’d poeſies for Rings, and a thouſand other ſuch fooliſh flatteries, and knaviſh devices which I ſuſpected, and the more hee ſtriv’d to over-come mee, or win mee with Oathes, promiſes ; proteſtations, ſtill the leſſe I beleev’d him; ſo that at laſt hee grew faint at the Siege, gave over to make any more Aſſaults, and vanquiſh’d with deſpaire made a finall Retreat. In like manner I wiſh all women and maids in generall, to beware of their guilded Gloſſes; an enamoured Toade70D11v80 Toade lurkes under the ſweet graſſe, and a faire tongue hath bin too often the varniſh or Embrodery of a falſe heart; what are they but lime-twiggs of Luſt, and Schoole-maſters of Folly? let not their fooliſh fancy prove to bee your braine-ſicke frenzy; for if you note them, in all their ſpeech or writings, you ſhall ſeldome or never have any word or ſillable in the praiſe or goodneſſe, or true vertue to come from them; their talke ſhall conſiſt either of wealth, ſtrength, wit, beauty, lands, faſhions, Horſes, Hawkes,71D12r81 Hawkes, Hounds, and many other triviall and tranſitory toyes, which as they may be uſed are bleſ ſings of the left Hand, wherewith they deleted entice and intrap poore ſilly yong tender-hearted Females to be enamoured of their good parts (if they had any) but if men would lay by their trickes, ſlights, falſe-hoods and diſſimulations: and (contrarily) in their converſing with us, uſe their tongues and pens in the praiſe of meekenes, modeſty, chaſtity, temporance, conſtancy, and piety; then ſurely women would72D12v72 would ſtrive to be ſuch as their diſcourſes did tend unto: for wee doe live in ſuch an age of pollution, that many a rich wicked man will ſpend willingly, and give more to corrupt and make ſpoyle of the chaſtity, and honour of one beautifull untainted Virgin, than they will beſtow (in charity) towards the ſaving of an hundred poore people, from periſhing by famine here, or from perdition in a worſer place: and becauſe they ſay women will alwaies lye, I doe wiſh that (in this laſt point I touch’d upon)73E1r73 upon) they would make or prove me a lyer.
Who but men have bin the Authors of all miſchiefes? had that firebrand of Troy (Paris) not ſtolne Hellen from her Husband King Menelaus, ſurely ſhe had remained a wife in Sparta, and never beene ſtrumpeted in Phrygia: the ten yeares Siege and ſacking of Illion was never ſought by women, but wrought by men: who but men are Traytors, Apoſtates, Irreligious, Sectaries and Sciſmatiques? Alas, alas; theſe are veſſels of vices and villanies, which Eth74E1v74 the weak hands or braines of women could never broach. Who but men are Extortioners, Uſurers Oppreſſors, Theeves, perjur’d perſons, ; Knights of the Poſt? who but men doe write, print, divulge and ſcatter Libells, Rimes, ſongs and Paſquills againſt the knowne Truth; againſt Soveraigne Authority, againſt all Law, equite, and Conformity to Loyalty? who but men have, and doe ſet forth peſtifferous Pamphlets, Emblemes, and Pictures of Scurrillity and naſty obſceaneſſe? I am ſure that Ovid, and Aretine were75E2r 75 were no women, nor was there ever any Woman found to be the Authoreſſe of ſuch baſe and vile inventions.
An Anſwer to the aſperſion caſt upon women for being Goſſips. In one of their late wiſe rediculous Lectures, they doe caſt an aſperſion upon us that wee are mighty Goſſips, and exceeding Scolds; to the firſt I Anſwer, that the moſt part of our meetings at Goſſippings are long of the men, rather than to be imputed to us; for when children are borne into the world (although men feele none of the mmiſery) yet women have a more knowne E2ſimpa-76E2v 76 ſimpathy ; feeling of one anothers paines ; perills; ; therefore in Chriſtianity and neighbourly love ; charity, women doe meet to viſit and comfort the weakenes of ſuch, as in thoſe dangerous times doe want it; and whereas they ſay that wee tipple, and tittle-tattle more than our ſhares, I ſhall (before this diſcourſe is ended) caſt that Ball backe againe in their teeths, and emblaze them truely to bee moſt vaine and idle talkers; and that no living thing Created is ſo ſottiſh, ſenceleſſe, brutiſh and beaſtly, as moſt of77E3r 77 of them have bin, and are daily, nightly, and hourely in their drinke: for their much talke (to no purpoſe) doth ſhew that there is a running iſſue, or Fiſtula in their minds.
Man might conſider Women are not borne to be mēns ſlaves. that women were not created to be their ſlaves or vaſſalls, for as they had not their Originall out of his head, (thereby to command him;) ſo it was not out of his foote to be trod upon, but in a (medium) out of his ſide to be his fellowfeeler, his equal ; companion: but as the Divell can be (at one time) both E3the78E3v78 the Prince of darkneſſe, and an Angell of Light; ſo can theſe double-hearted men beare fire in one hand and water in the other, ſo that one knowes not where to have them, nor how to find them; being neither hot or cold, but like Luke-warme Laodiceans: for many of them are like the Cinamond Tree, their Rinde better than the Trunke: they are (too many of them) rare Doctors of Divility, crafty Merchants, whoſe Wares are flatteries, congies, cringes, complements, leggs, faces, and mimmicke mar-79E4r79 marmoſitical Geſtures, and are fitter by halfe, for ſtamps to Coyne any currant wickedneſſe then any women can be.Every thing but man doth Naturally incline to his proper place.
Every thing (but man) doth naturally encline to be in his proper place, as for example: Lead, Stomes, or any ponderous or weighty matter or mettall will ſinke downe, fire doth mount upwards, Rivers run to the to the Sea, Trees to the Earth, and Fowles to the Aire: every thing doth ſeeke to bee in his naturall place conſtantly, onely men are inconſtant, and ſeldome or never doth keep his conſtantE4ſtant80E4v80 ſtant courſe. Nay the very Beaſts and unreaſonable Creatures are his Schoolemaſters, and goe beyond him in goodneſſe: Hee may learne meekeneſſe of the Lambe, ſimplicity of the Dove, dilligence of the Ants, kindnes of the Stork, memory of the Oxe and Aſſe, fidellity of the Dog, watchfulneſſe of the Cocke ſubtilty of the Serpent, magnanimity of the Lion: the Eagle (or Vulture) doth goe beyond him in ſight, or ſeeing; the Dog ſurpaſſeth him in the ſence of ſmelling, Stags, Hares, and Birds doe outgoe him in ſwiftneſſe, Horſesſes81E5r81 ſes ; Elephants in ſtrength, and Crowes or Ravens in length of life: Beſides every thing (except man) hath the wit to ſhun and avoyd danger, as Sheepe will run from the Wolfe, the Cat from the Dog, the Hare from the Hound, the Rat from the Cat, the Chicke from the Kite, and the Dove from the Hawke; but man will not avoyd wickednes, nor run from the Divell; he is alſo ſo voracious and inſatiate, that though a Parke will ſatiſfie an Heard of Deere, a medow will ſuffice many Cowes and a Bull, a field will ſerve Horſes, a D5Forreſt82E5v 82 Forreſt will feed wild Beaſts and Fowles, the Earth doth content Wormes and Vermine, the Sea containes Fiſhes: And man (onely man) is never contented; his ingurgitating Maw is the Sepulcher of Fiſhes, Fowles, Beaſts, Hearbes, Fruites, Rootes, and all things elſe whatſoever that his Rapine can prey upon. Beſides, hee hath in him the pride of the Horſe, the Lions fierceneſſe, the Wolves ravening, the Dogs biting more addicted to truculency then the Beare, more obſtinate than the Oxe, more beaſtly raſh than the Bore, more various than83E6r flawed-reproduction3 than the Leopard, more mutable than the Camelion, as deceitfull as the Foxe, as deſperate as the Elephant, fearefull as a Hare, revengfull as the Cammell, as laſcivious as the Goate, as full of ſcoffing and jeering as an Ape, as uncleanly as a Sow, as ſilly as a Sheepe, and as fooliſh as an Aſſe. This Land hath rob’d and cheated almoſt all other Nations of their vices, for we have gotten Gluttony from Greece, Wantonnes from Italy, Pride from Spaine, Complement from France, Drunkennes from Germany, Infidelity from the Jewes,84E6v84 They prove that England hath robbed all Nations of their Vices. Jewes, Blaſphemy from the Turkes, Idolatry from the Indians, Superſtition from Rome, Sects from Amſterdam, Errors from all places, makes Sciſmes ; Diviſions at home. And theſe are the rare vertues, and admirable quallities of the moſt part of ſuch men as have (and doe daily) enveigh and raile againſt women with their ſcandalous tongues, and infamous abuſive Libells; and in a word to conclude this poynt, if any man be great in Office or Dignity, and that he hath uncontrollable power to doe what he will; it is a hard matter for85E7r85 for him to reſtraine himſelfe from doing much hurt, and little good.
Dogs doe naturally barke and ſnarle at ſtrangers, and ſuch as they doe not know; Women were never ſo bad as men. and ſo thoſe men that are ignorant in their malice, (or mallicious in their ignorance) doe Reprehend and abuſe women, and in their rayling they have the uncharitable Art to make the ſmale Mole-hills of our frailty appeare like Mountaines; and with their inveterate ſpleene, they Metamorphoſe our Pigmey faults into huge Giants: But let me be ſo bold (with leave) as86E7v 86 as to aske them, if ever any women were ſuch monſters as Nero, Heliogabalus, Caligula, Hamon, Julian, Caine, Iſcariot, Ahab, Achitophel, Rabſheka, Nabuchadnezer, Hollophernes, Jeroboam, Pharaoh, Nimrod, Cham, Belſhazer, ( or Baltazer) Goliah, Eſau, Achan, Gehezie, Abſolon, Mannaſſes, Siſcera, Shimei, Amon, Nabal, Herod, Chaiphas, Annas, Pilate, Elimas, Domitian, Catiline Silla, Marius, Sardanapales, and thouſands more ſuch Commanders, inventers, maintainers, and defenders of87E8r87 of miſchiefes, and all ſorts of wickedneſſe ; villanies; of which the Stories of their deteſtable lives, with their deſerved deaths, doe make moſt horrible and loathed mentions: nor hath theſe Kingdomes of England and Scotland, bin alwaies cleare from the Tyranny of ſuch, as the Chronicles will witnes of Mackbeth, and Richard the third: and I am ſure that women were not the Complotters, or contrivers of the Powder Treaſon; nor ever did any woman deviſe Projects and Monopolies.
Thus any one that hath but common ſence or reaſſonſon88E8v88 ſon in him, may perceive He that rayles againſt women, doth forget that his mother was a woman. that thoſe who ſo bitterly raile againſt women, doe forget that Women were their mothers, or that they had their Birth (or ſecondary Originall being from women:) I will not bee ſo laviſhly or unmannerly invictive againſt men, but that amongſt them there have bin (and are, and I an not out of hope there will alwayes bee) many of that noble Sexe, that doe ſcorne and deſpiſe thoſe ſcurrilous ſordid Libells, who are no better than the Divells Penpoſts: that have the Art to write by roate89E9r89 roate, and rail at random, without regard of truth or equity: (for a juſt and wiſe man deemes nothing to be reaſonable that hath not equity in it) whoſe ſweet ſtinking Poeticall verſes runs all manner of feete without meaſure, rime, or reaſon; and Satans cloven foot withall into the bargaine. I touch not any way upon good Poets, for to them Fortune is blind, and (in her blind bounty) ſhee returnes a ſmall ſhare for Minerva, and vicious greatnes, golden foppery, and ſilken Ignorance are moſt deadlyly90E9v 90 ly enemies to the Muſes: as eminent perſons doe not awaies carry Scales about them to weigh the merits of deſerving men; but I ſpeake of our mungrill Rimſters, that with an affectate over-weening conceit of themſelves, doe imagine that they can cough Logicke, ſpeake Rhetoricke, neeſe Grammer, belch Poetry, piſſe Geometry, groane Muſicke, vomit Apothegmes, and ſquirt Oratory. Theſe (and ſuch as theſe) are the moſt furious and fierce Pendragoniſts, theſe are the peſtifferous Jackſquiterers, that91E10r91 that if they could, would blow and blaſt the fame of None but Mungrill Rimers ſpeake againſt Women. women: Theſe can change the ſhapes of their inventions according as the times and purpoſe beſt befits their ſervile inclinations: for they have all got the Theory of well ſpeaking, (when they pleaſe) but if ever they buſie themſelves with the practick of well doing, I will bee at the charge to pay for their hanging; for it is more eaſie to make a good nimble Foot-man of the running Goute, than it is to make one of theſe an honeſt man.Al- 92 E10v 92
Although ſome few, (and thoſe few too many) women doe profeſſe goodneſſe in Hipocriſie, yet that is not a Generall diſparagement to ſuch as are truely vertuous in ſincerity; for if I may bee ſo bold as to ſpeake that which is Recorded in holy Writ, I ſhall prove preſently out of the beſt Authors that ever liv’d, that women have beene, and are, and will be, muſt be, and ſhall be, either mens betters, or their equalls; (or at the leaſt) not to be ſo much under-valued, as not to be abuſed, villified, and traduc’d by every idle ; paltry Potcompanions.As 93 E11r 93
As for the firſt man, he was made of Earth, Clay; (yea of the very ſlime of the earth) alſo he was created in the open wide field (as all other the reſt of earthly Creatures were:) and being made (I muſt confeſſe he was perfect, and full of perfection) yet doth his very Name demonſtrate that hee was of a meane ; pure ſubſtance; for the Word (or Name Adam) doth ſignifie Clay, or red earth: but when that earth and ſlime was purified, and made perfit (with being fully poſſeſ ſed with a Reaſonable Soule)94E11v94 Soule) then man being in Paradice, ( a moſt pleaſant and delectable place) there in that choyceſt and principall Garden of delight, (man being refined from his droſſe) was woman Created: there was ſhe named Eve, (or Hevah) wch is as much as to ſay Life;) becauſe ſhee was the Mother of all men ; women that ſhould ever live, or have living: ſhe was made out of the ſide of the man, (neere to his heart) becauſe hee ſhould heartily love her: and as all the reſt of the Creatures were created before man, to ſhow that95E12r95 that hee was not brought into a bare and naked world, (although himſelfe was ſo) but it was Gloriouſly and Magnificently adorn’d ; beautified with all things fitting for the the entertainement of ſo glorious an Image, (or Deputy to the Greateſt) yet in that great ſtate hee was alone, without any one to have a participation, or joyfull fellow ſimpatheticall feeling of his felicity. Then did it pleaſe the Great Creator, to Create the noble Creature (Woman) to bee his Helper, aſſociate, and companion;nion;96E12v96 nion; therefore I conclude, that as man was made of pollution, earth, ; ſlime; and woman was formed out of that earth when it was firſt Refin’d: as man had his Originall in the rude wide field, and woman had her frame and compoſure in Paradiſe; ſo much is the womans Honour to bee regarded, and to be held in eſtimation amongſt men.
Divers more examples I could produce. To theſe few I could add infinite, but I ſtudy to avoyd prolixity; onely I deſire of you Sir Seldome Sober, and the reſt of your moſt pitifull partiſons, to bee97F1r 97 bee reſolved in this one The World cannot ſubſiſt without women. Queſtion; How commeth the world to be thus peopled? and whence groweth this goodly Generation upon the earth, which from the firſt Creation hath continued to this preſent; and ſhall laſt to all Poſterity: we are not like theſe ſwift Spaniſh Genets, which (ſome Write) engender onely by the wind? purperated without man: doe we the deſpiſed, ſue to you the well diſpoſed? or being deleted the Veſſels, petition to you the Proditors of your fames ; honours? when was it knowne in Fany98F1v98 Women never ſeeke and petition to men for love. any Age, that our Sexe have groaned at your Gates, or ſate waking whole cold winters nights at your windowes? when ſonnetted to your Signiorſhips, or love Letter’d to your Lordſhips? when haunted you in your Houſes? and way layed you in your walkes? Theſe you have done, and daily and hourely doe to us; and if wee have bin either wayward in our words, or but counterfeited a coyneſſe in our countenances; your brave high ſpirits have bin ready to homage your ſelves, nay ſome have done it99F2r 99 it really: as thinking to enter the ſtrict way by a ſtring: Nay many times when you are denyed the game, you have offered Fees; and by rape to hazard the Gallowes.
If the Husband-man Till, Plow, Sow, and Harrow his ground, &c. it is in hope of a harveſt; or if hee labour and take paines, it is in hope of his hire: If the Merchant hazard his purſe, and perſon by Sea, it is in the expectation of ſome great gaine and profit: and can you wiſe men, take toyle and travell; wake and watch, F2riſe100F2v 100 riſe early, and goe to bed late; ſpend your time, wits, and money: vow and proteſt, ſweare and forſweare; ingage your fortunes, and indanger your lives; and all theſe for wily, wanton, wayward, wicked women; by gaining whom, you can but looſe your ſelves; and to purchaſe them, cannot be without your ſo great prejudice. Moſt ſure if this cauſe ſhall come before a juſt Judge, and have the benefit of a conſiderate Cenſure; but we ſo much reproved and reviled, ſhall bee acquit by Proclamation,on,101F3r 101 on, and you Sir Seldome Sober, with the reſt of your rayling Society bee found ſole guilty of Calumny, ſcandall, and moſt pilpable Contradiction: Your intimations and intents, your propoſition and your purpoſe, your method ; your meaning; having no coherence, or correſpondence the one to the other.
Women able at all times to maintaine their undertakings when men are not able. And therefore we weak women, ſtand up againſt you mighty men; (for ſo you thinke your ſelves) when alas wee know by proofe, that when you brave Maſculines are at F3any102F3v102 any time incountered by our Femenine Sexe, even in the firſt aſſault, you are as ſoone tam’d as talkt with; and can ſcarce really tell us you love us, but you are as ready to turne tayle and leave us: and yet are not aſhamed to animate your ſelves in your owne aſſemblies; and would make the world to beleeve, that you the firſt Cowards are the ſole Conquerours.
An Anſwer to the Prentiſes Lecture in the morning. But forſooth when you faile in your proweſſe, you thinke to fit us in your Proverbes; (which you priviledge by their Antiquity) but indeede they are103F4r 103 are ſo ſtale in their very Names, that they ſtinke in our noſes: for example, When the Miſtris calls up her Apprentice, ſhee ſaith if ſhe be croſt, ſhee will make him leape at a Cruſt; as if Citizens kept ſuch penurious Houſes, that they were ready upon the leaſt occaſions to ſtarve their Servants: Nay, that ſhe taking her Husbands Authority out of his hands, will beate her Boy the Rogue; and baſt the Kitchin-maid who rules the Roaſt, till ſhe make their bones rattle in their skinns: and when ſhee hath gotten her will, then F4Rattle104F4v 104 Rattle Baby Rattle.
An anſwer to the Lecture of the wife to her husband. Then in your Lecture of the Wife to her Husband, Is the houſe a wildCat to you? and why a Wild-Cat you tame foole? unleſſe you ſtudy to ſet odds betwixt man and wife, and to make them agree in a houſe like Dogs and Cats together.
An anſwer to the Country Farmers wives Lecture. Then comes in the Country Farmers Wife, with her couple of Capons, when all her ſhee neighbours dare take their Oathes, that her Husband is a Cocke of the Game; yet ſhee muſt call him Francis Furmity-pot, Barnardnard105F5r105 nard Bagg-pudding, or Bacon-face, William Woodcocke, Durty Dotterill, or Dunſtable, Harry Horſehead, Simon Sup-broath, Ralph Roſt a Crow, Tom Turd in thy teeth, and the like beaſtly and baſtardly names, meerely of your owne durty deviſing: as knowing what belongs to your ſelves, when wee cannot finde in our hearts to foule our mouthes with any ſuch filthy Language.
But ſure Sir Seldome, (or never) Sober, your Father was ſome JakesFarmer, and your Mother F5a106F5v 106 a Midwife, or hee ſome Rake-ſhame, or Ragggatherer; and ſhee the daughter of a Dung-hill, that their Sonne is forc’d to patch out his Poetry with ſuch pitifull Proverbes: and cannot wee come upon you with the like? and in tasking of your rudeneſſe tell you, you ſhould have talked under the Roſe: to puniſh your too much prating, Their anſwer to him, and the proverbs confuted. tell you, Little ſaid, ſoone amended. In terrifying you from the like troubling of your ſelfe, That there is a day to come, that ſhall pay for all; and to reſtraine you107F6r 107 you within ſome regularity, A man may bring his Horſe to the water, but hee cannot make him drinke. In not ſparing of your Spouſe-breach, There is Falſe-hood in Fellow-ſhip. When wee ſhall bury one untoward Husband, and take another; Seldome comes the better. When you foole us with your flatteries, you play with us at Wily beguile you: And to conclude with that moſt learned Ballad, ſong about the ſtreetes, and Compoſed by your fellow Poet M.P. O ſuch a Rogue would be hang’d. This wee could108F6v108 could doe, nay this wee much care not to doe; unleſſe you moderate your flying Muſe, and mend your manners.
Nay wee could Anatomize How they would uſe him. you into Atomes, and diſſect you into Demunitives, to make you leſſe than nothing; but it it is the modeſty of our Madam-ſhips, and the patience that our Sexe profeſſes, to parley before we puniſh; and to hang up a flagge of Truce, before we offer to Tirannize: but if you take heart and hold out, and ſeeme not ſorry at this our firſt Sommons, wee109F7r 109 wee will not onely beate you, but batter you; bumbaſt and bafle you, Canvace and Cudgell you; Brave you and Baſtinado you: but leave you to the terrible Trophies of our Victorious Triumph, and the remarkeable memory of your moſt miſerable, and unpittied Maſſacre: Yet in all this we doe not menace the men, but their mindes; not their Perſons, but their Penns; the horridneſſe of their humours, and the madneſſe of their Muſes: which indeed towards us have beene inſupportable, and intollerable:ble:110F7v110 ble: Therefore be adviſed and let us heare either of your publicke acknowledgement, or at the leaſt your private recantation; Their Cruell threatning of Sir Seldome Sober. either to us all in generall, or ſome in particular, &c. or we will make thy owne pen thy Ponyard; thy Inke thy banefull potion; thy Paper thy winding ſheete; thy Standiſh thy Coffin; thy Sand-duſt thy Graveduſt, to bury thy ſhallow wit in, with thy face downe-ward; which if we doe not, let us for ever beare the burthen with our faces upwards.
Now concerning your very111F8r111 very paſſionate, but moſt pittifull Poetry, a queſtion may be made, whether you be a Land Laureate, or a Marine Muſe; A Land Poet, or a Water Poet; A Scholler, or a Sculler; Of Pernaſſus, or puddle Dock; Of Ionia, or Ivy Bridge: But howſoever, it is not in the compaſſe of our Reading, that Mnemoſyne ever lived at Milford Lane, or Terpſichore at Trigg Stayers, where they ſay the Divell once tooke water.
Nay more than all this, a little further to magnifie our Sexe; are not the foure parts of the world, Aſia, AfricaF8v112 Africa, Europe, and America Deciphered and deſcribed under the Perſons of women, and their Gender? The nine Muſes, deleted the Twelve Sibells, were they not all women? The Foure Cardinall Vertues, Juſtice, Fortitude, Prudence, Temperance, Women? The three Graces, the Hand-maids to Venus, women? The three Theologicall Vertues, Faith, Hope, and Charity, Women? nay Wiſedom it In the praiſe of Women. ſelfe, is it not Sapientia, and figured in the forme of a Woman? Are not all the Arts, Sciences, and Vertues113F9r113 Vertues, of what quality or condition ſoever, Portrayed in the perſons of women: whether then I pray you Sir Seldome Sober were your wits wandering, or went a Woollgathering, when you beate your braines about this poore, and moſt pittifull Pamphlet? Have wee claim’d this to our ſelves? nay rather hath it not bin meritoriouſly conferr’d uponn us by you men? had you thought your ſelves worthy of theſe noble and brave Attributes, you would have ſequeſtred them from our Sexe, and Celebra-114F9v114 Celebrated them to your ſelves: but thoſe who thought themſelves more Wiſer than you have ſhewed your ſelfe, (in this witty) of theſe Honours to ſupport and maintaine which they thought themſelves too weake: have both by their words and writings thought us worthy.
Now whether is the greater approbation for any Cauſe in queſtion, or for any perſon convented to be acquitted, by one ſingle man, or by a whole Senate: by a private cenſorious and ſupercilious Synicke,nicke,115F10r115 nicke, then by a full, free, and generall aſſembly.
Wee Women claime a priviledge Beſides, wee claime a further priviledge, that is to be tryed by our Peeres, and grant us but that, and then beſides Keiſars and Kings, Princes and Potentates, Soveraignes ; Subjects, Court, City, Campe and Country; wee have the Graces ; the Goddeſſes, the Nimphs and the Meriades; the Virgins, the Veſtalls, the Wives, the Widowes, the Country wench, the Counteſſe, the Laundreſſe, the Lady, the Maid-marrion, the Matron, even from the Shepherdeſſeherdeſſe116F10v116 herdeſſe to the Scepter; all ready to give up their voyces of our ſides, that his Crabb-tree Cudgell Oyle, and his Juniper ſauce Lecture is falſe, fooliſh, ſottiſh, ſuperfluous Railing, rediculous, abſurd, nay more abhominable.Finally no Sentence of Condemnatiō ought to paſſe upon any, before a faire Verdit be given up by twelve honeſt men.
All Sentences, and Condemnations goe by a Jury of twelve, and they too deleted ought not onely to be of underſtanding, but good men and true; and ſhall the generallity of our Sexe be convented, and convicted by one poore ignorant ſilly Sot? Then we may ſay (; not to our ſmall griefe) that117F11r117 that the woman cald Aſtræa, otherwiſe cald Juſta, hath flowne up to Heaven, and left no Juſtice abiding upon the Earth: had ſhe bin ſtill our Judgeſſe, ſhee would (no doubt) have Cenſured; that as men have here to fore had the liberty to take many Wives; ſo women might have now the priviledge every one to take two Husbands at leaſt: till they could find any one woman, who could meete with two men of the ſame mind with this Gregory, who would make himſelfe a Grand Jury man. But Read the wiſe Womans Juniper, and ſhe will118F11v118 will jerke him for this.Greeke Poets that if they were living would defend the womans Vertues.
But were there now ſurviving to vindicate our vertues, any of the Ancient Greeke Poetreſſes, A Ni coſtrate or Caripena; A Muſæa, or a Meroe; A Soſipatra, or a Clitagora; An Aſpatia Mileſia, or Praxilla Sycomia; A Myro Bizantia, or Cozinna Thebana. Or amongſt the Ro mans; an Hortenſia, or Hyparchia; A Claudia, or a Cornelia; Apollo Argentaria, or Probavaleria; A Vittoria Collumna, or Marcella Romana, &c. If (I ſay) any of theſe were now ſurviving, what a pittifulltifull119F12r119 tifull thing would they make of this patulant Poet: and with one of their invective Iambicks, to deſpaire and hang himſelfe: and in the ſtead of a Juniper, reade unto him a Gibbot Lecture.
How have you ſtuft your Store-houſe, with a Catalogue of common proſtitutes and Curtizans; which made me thinke when I firſt ſaw your Booke, it had beene the Regiſter of Bride-well: and I pray you who vitiated them, but you deletedthat would ſeeme the vertuous? or who corrupted them, but you the male Crocadiles? was there ever120F12v120 Gill without her Jack, or flirts without her Framion. As Parents looſed the names of Father and Mother when their Iſſue failes them, and Children are no more Sonnes and Daughters when they have no Parents to protect them: ſo it is not poſſible, that the world could yeeld any one Branded with the In the defence of us women. Name of a whore, but there muſt be Whooremaſter to make her ſo. Moreover, there was never Strumpet but had her Pimpe to uſher her; nor any Madam Mackarell without a Pander to man her.You 121 G1r 121
You tell us a great many ſtories and to ſmall purpoſe, of Hellen an Harlot, who had no doubt lived in honeſt life with Menelaus her Husband, had there not bin a bold-fac’d Paris to betray her. Of a Lais, a Famous Curtezan in Corinth, who valued every nights lodging at a thouſand Drachmaes: and why did ſhe ſet ſo high a price upon her proſtitution? but the better to conſerve her Chaſtity, and fright away libidenous fooles from hunting her Habitation: and ſo of the reſt, by which any indifferent ReaderGder122G1v122 der may perceive, that all things make with us, which you maliciouſly have ſuggeſted againſt us.
I will not meddle with your pittifull Poetry, and rime Dottrell, borrowed out of Ballads: and yet why ſhould I ſay borrowed, when I can Anſwer them in this one Diſtick:The women make rime of the Author.
Though borrowing now be into faſhion growne,
Yet I dare ſwear, what thou writſt was thy own.
For indeed I know none who elſe will Challenge them.In 123 G2r 123
In your Lecture of an An anſwer to the Lectur ee of the rich Widow. old rich Widow to a yong Gallant, where you thinke to taske her of her wit, what doe you elſe but approve her wiſedome? who will not ſuffer her modeſt Gravity to bee fool’d by his youthfull Prodigality: and ſo what you ſtrive to condemne as a vice, in effect you crowne for a vertue.
An anſwer to the Lecture of of a Country Farmers wife. You make your Country Farmers wife, to call wiſe-achers her Husband Wittall, Mopus and Moonecalfe, Hobbinot, and Hobnailes, Lurden and Looby; Francis Fill-gut and Fur G2mety-124G2v 124 mety-pot, Booby ; Blockhead, Dunce and Dotard Bull-beiſe, Barley pudding, Sim Slabber-chops and the like; and like enough he may be all theſe, ; ſhe in this gives but the Divell his due, and the Clowniſh Coridon his owne true Character: And what diſpargement can this bee to us? or what great honour to you of the Male Sexe, that amongſt men there can bee found ſuch a monſter?
An anſwer to the Lecture of the jealous old Women. Can you blame the jealous woman for having ſuch care over her Husbands health, purſe, and Perſon?125G3r125 Perſon? for what is jealouſie but a too much indulgence, and over Love? and I feare ten at this time of twenty, are not much troubled with it.
The women they approve of the Lecture of a kind woman to her Husband. Your Lecture of your kind loving wife to her Husband we allow, ; none ſo ſhameleſſe in their ſlanders, but ſometimes or other are conſtrained to tell truth and ſhame the Divell; and if you had onely followed the ſame Theame, you might have eſcapt from being thus threatned: but many who have ſtriv’d to make, have mard; ; in ſhunning Scyl G3la126G3v126 la, have falne into Charybdis: and this our impudent Poet, hath imitated ſuch ignorant Pylots: where if he had had the skill to ſteare his Veſſell in the milde Channell, hee might have arrived at an happy Harbour, and ſo eſcaped that ſhame and ſhip-wracke, which his ſillineſſe hath made him to ſuffer. Had Icarus in his Flight kept an equall diſtance, betwixt the Sea and the Sunne, the one had not melted his Waxe, nor the other moiſtned his Wings: nor hee beene made a wretched Prey to127G4r 127 to the Waters.
An Anſwer to the Lecture of the young Widow to an old Widower. In your Widowes Lecture to your Widower, what tearmes doth ſhee uſe, but of your teaching; and what durty language but of your owne deviſing: I thought you would have told us a tale, wherein you might have made them equal ſharers, in their owne ſimplicity: which was to this effect.
A Widower and his widow ſitting at Supper with a good joynt of meat together, and falling into ſome croſſe words, (before they had taſted a bit of it; and having both good ſtomacks:)G4macks:)128G4v 128 macks:) A poore man came to the doore to begg an Almes for Gods ſake: The man not knowing which way more to vexe his wife cald to his Servant, and cutting the meat in the middle, laid one halfe upon his Trencher, and ſaid; here take this and carry it to the poore man, and bid him pray for the ſoule of my former Wife; which ſeeing ſhee ſaid nothing: but when the Servant was returned, ſhe tooke the other halfe that was in the Diſh, and gave it unto him ſaying; and I pray thee carry thisto 129G5r129 to the poore man, and deſire him to pray for the ſoule of my firſt Husband: by which meanes both themſelves and their Servants, were forced to goe to bed ſupperleſſe: Now here the blame nor burden could be great, becauſe it was borne upon equall ſhoulders: but you (as in all the reſt) make the woman onely to Raile, and the men like ſo many ſilly Sots, to make no reply at all; as if wee were all mad, they milke-ſops and mecockes, wee froward, they fooliſh; we either ſheepiſh or ſhrowiſh, and they G5onely130G5v 130 onely ſimple and ſottiſh; which how falſe it is, and farre from any probability of truth, common experience can teſtifie: for whoſoever ſhall obſerve his ſtile and method ſhall finde, that what hee ſo much boaſts off hee hath borrowed from the baſeſt of our Sexe; as being in all his Tinkerly tearmes more foule-tongu’d than a Fiſhwife, and more open mouth’d than any Oyſterwench.
A word or two more concerning the vertue and Chaſtity of Women, there was never any man could generally131G6r131 generally compare with No man whatſoever is Generally to be compared to women for Vertue. Women; to ſpeake of the beſt and moſt bleſt (the one and onely Virgin Mother, ſhe that was at one time Maid, Mother, Wife Child, ; Siſter to her Son; ſhe that moſt happily was elected) from all Eternity to be the bleſſed bringer forth of a Saviour, for all repenting and true beleeving ſinners, ſhe was ſo fully fill’d and repleniſh’d with grace, that ſhee is juſtly ſtiled bleſſed amongſt women: and for a further proclaiming of her happineſſe, All Generations ſhall call her Bleſſed: Shee was the Worlds132G6v132 Worlds onely wonder, and moſt rare and ſoveraigne mirrour of Chaſtity. Many thouſands more are mentioned for that onely famous vertue of Continency, in Divine and prophane Hiſtories, whoſe honourable, and Venerable memories ſhall our-live time, and flouriſh in Glorious Eternity. Reſides, as there have bin and are innumerable of our noble Sexe, that have liv’d and dyed Virgins; ſo likewiſe millions of them who have bin married, and after marriage became Widowes, they have bin ſo inclined to the love of chaſtity, that they133G7r133 they would never bee wonne to accept of a ſecond marriage: and for an inimitable example of a worthy Matron, it is Recorded, that Anna the Propheteſſe was but ſeven yeares a married wife, but that after her Husband was dead, ſhe lived a Widow foureſcore and foure yeares: and example above any you men can ſhew.Women for the Love of Poſterity doe marry you men, and for no other end.
Moreover women were ſo chaſt, that though they did marry and were married, it was more for propagation of Children, than for any carnall delight or pleaſure they had to accompany with men; they were content to be joynedned134G7V 134 ned in Matrimony with a greater deſire of Children than of Husbands, they had more joy in being Mothers than in being Wives; for in the old Law, it was a curſe upon Women to be Barren: and ſurely if there had beene any lawfull way for them to have had Children without Husbands, there hath beene, and are, and will bee a numberleſſe number of Women that would or will never be troubled with wedlocke, nor the knowledge of man. Thus good and modeſt Women have bin content to have none, or one man (at the moſt) all their whole lifetime,time,135G8r135 time, but men have bin ſo addicted to incontinency, that no bounds of Law or reaſon could reſtraine them: for if we reade the Story of the Kings of Juda, there we may finde the wiſeſt that ever raign’d, (Solomon) had no fewer than three hundred Wives, and ſeven hundred Concubines; and that his Sonne Rehoboam had eighteene Wives and ſixety Concubines, by whom hee begat twenty-eight Sonnes, and threeſcore Daughters. There have bin ſome good women, that when they could have no Children, they have bin contentedtented136G8v 136 tented that their Husbands ſhould make uſe of their Maid-ſervants; as Sara and Rachell, and Leah did; but I never heard or read of any man that (though hee were old, diſeaſed, decripit, gowty, or many and every way defective, and paſt ability to be the Father of any Child) that hath bin ſo loving to his wife, as to ſuffer her to made a Teeming Mother by another man. There was once a Law in Sparta, amongſt the Lacedemonians, that if the husband were deficient for propagating or begetting of Children, that then it was lawfull for the wife137G9r137 wife to entertaine a friend or a Neighbour; but the women were ſo given to chaſtity, that they ſeldome or never did put the ſaid Law in practiſe, and I am perſwaded that that Decree is quite aboliſh’d, and out of uſe and force all the World over.
The conſtant courage, and fixed Pious and worthy reſolutions of thoſe women that are mentioned in the ſeventh of the ſecond Booke of the Macabees, is Tranſcendent and ſuparlative above all men that ever were either ſpoken of or Recorded in Hiſtory:138G9v138 to which place I referre the Reader for larger Relations.
Holy Writ doth nominate 5. famous women of the name of Mary; firſt the Bleſſed Virgin. Secondly, Mary the mother of James the leſſe; and Joſeph and Salome, and the wife of Cleophas ; the Virgin Maries owne Siſter. Thirdly, the Mother of John, and James the Sonnes of Zebedoe. Fourthly, the Mother of John, Marke: and Mary Magdalen, who was the Siſter of Lazarus; theſe were all women, who were hardly to be equall’d in goodnes and139G10r139 and vertue by men: they were the loving Handmaides of the higheſt. And it would bee tedious and needleſſe to name thoſe worthy women in this poore Pamphlet, who are already Recorded in the never ending Booke of immortallity. Suſannaes chaſtity, Lidias dilligent piety, the bounty and charity of Dorcas, and the painefulneſſe of Pheabe: all theſe and many more are remembred in everlaſting bleſſed Volumnes.
Thus have I truely and impartially proved, that for Chaſtity, Charity, Con-140G10v140 Conſtancy, Magnanimity, Vallour, Wiſedome, Piety, or any Grace or Vertue whatſoever. Women have alwayes bin more than equall with men; and that for Luxury, Sarquedrin obſcenity, prophanity, Ebriety, Impiety, and all that may be called bad wee doe come farre ſhort of them. Now we thinke it meete onely to tell them a little of one fault, which we are ſure they doe know already; and that our Repetition of it will bee no meanes to Reforme it: yet to ſhew the World that Women have great cauſe to141G11r 141 to finde fault, and bee diſcontented with their odious generall vice of Drunkennes. We will relate unto you the dellicate dainty Foppiſh, and rediculous conceites of Sir Seldome Sober, with the moſt fooliſh, idle, and ſottiſh trickes and feates of his idle and Adle-pated followers.
Severall Queſtions propounded to Sir Seldome Sober, by the Women, viz.Queſtions asked and put to Sir Seldome Sober by the Women.
Firſt, were Women ever ſince the Creation of the World, ſuch notorious and Capitall offenders as you men have been from time to time; not onely in particular to your Wives and Family; but I meane in publike againſt your143G12r143 your Prince and Country, being found Traitors, as our Chronicles can witneſſe.
Secondly, were there ever any woman put in the Stocks, or ſet in the Pillory, or had ever any hand in Coyning, or Clipping, or Defacing their Princes Money.
Thirdly, doe women do as you men doe, who lye abed on purpoſe to invent miſchiefe, and plot how to get other mens eſtates into your hands by your ſlye diſſembling: and then either144G12v144 either break and runne away; or at the leaſt compound for tenne Groates in the pound; and then ſet up againe, and doe as much more within ſeven yeares after.
Fourthly, doe Women become common Baile in Actions, for the value of twelve pence, as you men doe: Or bee Knights of the Poſt, to ſweare and forſweare in many Caſes, for a ſmall ſumme of mony: and in hyring Satten Doublets and Breeches in Long Lane, and come in a Ruffe to beare falſe witnes againſt their neighFiftly,bour145H1r145 Fiftly, did you heare that ever any women ran away from their Captaines Colours: but whatſoever they did undertake, they went through ſtich with it, and not flye like Cowards, or fight in private Armour, or Coates of Male, as you men have done? but women you have heard of, who have been forced to lye and fight it out, and endure the brunt, when you men were not able to ſtand to it.
Sixtly, doe Women as you men doe, for Hthe146H1v146 the value of a dinner or Supper, become bound in a ſumme of Mony for other men, to undoe their Wives and Children, and runne away into the Low Countries to be a Souldier, and there kill men for three ſhillings a weeke.
Seventhly, when did you heare, or ever know Women, that make eight dayes in the Weeke to deceive poore men of their pay as you men doe?
Eighthly, when did you ever read or heare of any women that turned Projectors,jectors147H2r147 jectors, ſtriving to undoe Kingdomes, onely to enrich themſelves by their ſeverall Monopolies and Patents: Patents did I ſay? indeed Patents, in my conceite, ſhould belong moſt properly to us women, who know how to uſe them: for your mens Patents and Monopolies are hurtfull to all, ours to none, but they are for a generall good, and to preſerve our Healths, yours to ruine and begger Men, Women and Children.
Ninthly, how many women have you knowne or H2ſeene148H2v 148 ſeene, that have beene brought home drunken in a Porters Basket, or led home betweene two Vintners Boyes, or that ever dranke out their eyes, and left their wits behinde them on a Taverne Bench; or came home with their Legges or Armes broken by their exceſſive Drinking, and ingurgitating of too much Wine.
Tenth, I pray you Sir Seldome Sober, tell us how many Women that ever you heard of, that ranne and hid themſelves in a Cupboard,149H3r149 Cupboard when there came out a Preſſe for ſouldiers; or lockt themſelves up in ſome private place for feare of the Preſſe: when we women ſtand it out, and never feare, or once be afraid: let there come a Preſſe out night by night, or day by day, wee women will never ruunne, or ſhrinke our heads for it.
Eleventh, how many women did you ever heare of, that kept Horſes to gallop after Mutton; I meane laced Mutton: and then returne againe neitherH3ther150H3v 150 ther with good Horſe, or ſound Reines; but creeping and halting, as if you had been ſhot in ſome hot ſervice of Warre?
Twelfth, how many Women did you ever hear of, that doe drinke ſo much, that they doe quarrell and fight, and teare one anothers Bands and Cloathes; and then bee carried before a Juſtice, or elſe end the buſineſſe by Arbitration, to their loſſe both of mony and time: or not ſo ended, doe challenge the field, and there ſheath their ſwords in one151H4r 151 one anothers breaſt? All theſe are cauſes enough to make a woman ſpeake, whoſe Husband is thus in fault: and wee ought to ſpeake, for wee have nothing to offend (and defend our ſelves) but our tongues: nay more, as you men have but five Sences, I will prove that women have ſixe, and that is our Tongues; and therfore wee may ſpeake and pleade for our ſelves with our tongues, and defend our ſelves by our tongues; and therefore Sir Seldome Sober hold you your Tongue hereafter; for H4you152H4v152 you know ſixe to five is odds at foot-ball; and you ſhall be ſure to finde it ſo, if ever you doe come into our quarters: but wee hope Time will jerke your blinde Cheekes for this, or elſe you will get ſuch a blow with a French Coulſtaffe, that you will end your Dayes in an Hoſpitall. O that wee had you amongſt us but two hours, or ſomething which wee could wiſh between a cleft ſticke, we would ſerve you but as the Bakers Wife did the Divell, make you ſomewhat the lighter, the better, and the more nimble153H5r153 nimble for your next Summers Travaile, and cauſe that Copper-Noſe which hath ſo many Colours as the Raine-bow, to appeare of another hew: but wiſhes are in vaine; and time and opportunity will bring things together which were never dreamt of; ſo wee leave you Sir Seldome, or never Sober; onely we will give you the Character of a Drunkard, and Drunkenneſſe, and ſo conclude with a few Tales to the ſame purpoſe.
Some ſay, that the Science of Drinking Carrowſes, and Drunken Healths was brought into England by the Danes when they conquered this Kingdome: but from whomſoever you learned the Myſtery, it makes no great matter: It is apparently knowne, that neither Dane, or Dutch-man, True-man, or Welſh-man, can goe beyond you herein: for by your daily Documents (moſt Noble Sir Sel-155H6r155 Seldome Sober) men are ſo perfect, that they are able to teach their Teachers, to maſter their Maſters, ; to lay all Nations in the Durt that dares oppoſe them: For the which Cunning, they are all bound to you; and to manifeſt their thankfulneſſe, every day almoſt three quarters of the Maſculine Sexe doe declare and ſhew themſelves to bee Sir Seldome Sobers Men. For his Followers, they are the onely Chimmiſts, and Hyperbolicall Artiſts below the Moone-ſhine, and they are of all Callings, Functions, Arts,156H6v 156 Arts, Trades, and Occupations: they are likewiſe of all degrees; from the Monarch to the Miſer; from the Lord to the Lowne, and of either Maſculine, or Feminine Sexe or Gender. The force of Wine, or much Drinking did often make Phillip King of Macedon to rage againſt his Foes, and it cauſed his Sonne (Alexander the Great) to kill his friends: moſt of them are ſuch Friends to Oblivion, that they will Drinke, Smoake, and Pipe away Time. Some are ſuch Miraculous, ſtrange wonder-workers, that157H7r157 that they can turne Night into Day, and Day into Night. It hath made many a Souldier Metamorphoſe the mettle of his Murrion and his Morglay into the Elixer or ſpirit of the Buttery, and Clinking of Wine-pots, to renounce Armes and Blood-ſhead, except the Clarret blood of Bacchus. It makes thouſands of Merchant Adventurers every day and night to the Toride Zone of Canarie: It is the Poets Nepenthe, Aganippa, his Nectar, Tempe, Helicon, and Caſtelian fountaine; and when his158H7v 158 his Muſe flags, it inſpires her with ſuch ſtraines and raptures, that ſhe Mounts and Soareth higher, than Jupiters Eagle, or the Spheare of Saturne. It cauſeth the Grammarian to ſpeake beyond his Rules. It fills the Logicianer with Syllogiſmes, and Sophiſtry. It makes the Mathematician ſo skilfull, that hee knowes Charles his Waine from a Sedan, and the Antarticke Pole from a Conſtables Staffe. By the Inſpiration of Drinke, the moſt ſimple Arithmatician will accompt paſt numbring,bring159H8r159 bring, and number beyond all accompt. It cauſes the Aſtronomer to play the Aleconers part, annd ſearch all the twelve Signes of the Zodiacke, to know what weight and meaſure they allow. It attires the Rhetoricians ſpeech with ſuch Eloquent tearmes of Fuſtian phraſes, that it is beyond the Speakers underſtanding, and all mens elſe that are troubled to heare him. Drunkenneſſe is the moſt frequent and univerſall Trading in the World: it makes (almoſt) every Man a Merchant or Chapman: for if you marke160H8v160 marke it, there is of all Trades and functions that doe every day goe abroad from houſe to Houſe, for no other purpoſe but to buy Drinke. It is Muſick of it ſelfe, and it is compoſed, and conſiſts of Frets, Stops, Clefts, Moods, Flats, Sharpes, Spaces, and moſt ſtrange Notes, Tones, and Tunes, Phrygian, Lidian, Dorian, nine poynts above Ela, and two pots below Gamoth: For upon the Ale-bench, they are all compacted of Quavers, Semiquavers, Sembriefes, Minnums, and Crotchets: One ſqueaks ſhrill, like an, Owle161H9r161 Owle, another Brayes the Deſcant, like an Aſſe, a third bellowes the Tenor, The womens examples and ſimilies of drunkenneſſe in modeſt phraſe. like a Bull, a fourth Barks the Counterpoint, like a Hound, a fift howles the Treble, like a Wolfe, and a ſixt grunts the Baſe, like an Oxe: that what with the raviſhing ſound of Sackebuts, Canary Pipes, Tobacco Pipes, Flouts, (or Fluits) Shames, Bad-pipes, weights, Hoboyes, Clinking and Knocking of Pots, Stamping, Dancing, and Singing to confuſed Noyſes; there is daily ſuch ſweete and Contagious Harmonymony162H9v162 mony amongſt them, that a man cannot any way compare the deliciouſnes of it to any thing more ſignificantly, than to moſt Eare-bewitching Caterwauling; or their rending and tearing of tunes, are as delightfull to the hearing, as the fat end of a Pudding. And truely, you men are ſo experimented in the Trade of Bibbing, (or Arti Bebendi) that the Spungy Dutch are the moſt ſober Catoes, in reſpect of you, Apuleius Aſſe a grand Sophy, and the Wiſe men of Gotham would ſeeme amongſt us to163H10r 163 to be the ſeven Sages of Greece. Drinke is the Idoll which you men adore, and every day you doe fall downe to it: It is the Catalogue of all Faculties: It is the rare Eſculapian medicinable Antimonian Cup, for it cures all: It is (as it were) the Mid-wife of Juſtice, for it brings forth all, and ofttimes it reſtores both Principall and intereſt in a flood or inundation of Expreſſion; It makes a Man caſt learnedly, like Homer: It multiplyes the eye-ſight, which is the cauſe, that ſome Beere is called164H10v164 called double Beere, by reaſon it enlargeth the capacity, and makes a man ſee every thing double; As one writ very ſententiouſly.
The Scribe, or the Clerke,
Whoſe ſights are dark,
And the print of the Letters doth ſeeme too ſmall,
Will conne every Letter,
And read much the better,
If they glaze but their eyes with a pot of good Ale.
Amongſt you men it is the ſweeteſt Life to bee Dead Drunke, and a well- ſeaſoned Drunkard, is an unmea-165H11r165 unmeaſurable merry companion, that holds the great Barrel at Heidlenbergh to bee but a Bottle: nor doth he hold it lawfull to looke wiſely, goe ſteadily, ſtand firmely, or ſpeake ſence. Nor will he diſhonour the Calling with ſleeping above once a Weeke, or a Fortnight. Many of them are deleted ſo wary, and jealous of their Reputations, that they will pay no Reckonings, becauſe they hold it a diſparagement to their Credits not to bee credited. Some are abhominably furniſhed with; Oathes, and Proteſtations of166H11v 166 of all ſorts and ſizes, and for any ſpeciall occaſion, or company: As ſmall mincing Oathes for the City, Couragious Oathes for the Court, Hob-naild Oathes for the Country, Cudgell Oathes to breake a Creditors Pate, Rapier Oaths to runne a Serjeant, or a Bayliffe through, and Backe-ſword Oathes to croſſe an Ale-houſe ſcore. And as an Ape will imitate a man, ſo a Drunken man will imitate a Beaſt. Moreover, you ſhall have ſeventeene, or eighteene in one Roome, at one and the ſame time, all in moſt diffe-167H12r167 different and various Actions and Poſtures; one will whoop and hollow, another ſings, a third dances, a fourth weepes, a fift ſleepes, a ſixt leapes over Stooles and Tables, and ſhewes feates, a ſeventh Knocks, Stamps, and throwes pots downe the ſtaires; calls the Drawers Rogues, the Man of the Houſe Cuckold, and his Wife whore, breakes Glaſſes, and Glaſſe-windowes: another pulls out his ſword, and to make valiant proofe how well hee can uſe it, he cuts, hewes, and ſlaſhes poſts, doores, boards,168H12v168 boards, and ſtakes, the poore prodigalls picture in the painted Cloath; and in that veine hee is ſo Couragious, as to brandiſh his Blade againſt Hector ſingly, or (for a need) you may turne him looſe to combate with all the Nine Worthies. We ſaw once one that was ſo Pot-valient, that in revenge, hee with his ſword thruſt poore Judith into the belly, becauſe ſhee kil’d Holophernes when hee was drunke: Some boaſt their Deſcent and Antiquity of their Houſres, and Gentry of their Predeceſſors: Some169I1r169 Some brag of their wealth which, perhaps, their accurſed and miſerable fathers did purchaſe either by buying and ſelling Juſtice, or by Briberie, Extortion, or ſome other execrable way over the Devils Backe, and therefore their ſonnes and heires do take a mad or a drunken courſe to ſpend it under his Dams Belly with Rorering and Whoring. Some in their drink do make no bones to ſpeake Treaſon, and indeed they make nothing to prattle and ſcribble Scandala Magnatum: Some will utter all the ſecretsIcrets170I1v170 crets they know (and more too) and by thoſe meanes they have undone themſelves, their Wives, Families, Friends, and Neighbours; Some have fooliſhly (when the drink was in, and the wit out) lent away all their monie, or prodigally paid all the Reckoning, or runne into bonds for others, or been tempted and wonne to take up fine commodities (at cheating deer rates) as Gingerbread, Rattles, Mouſetraps, Tormentours for Fleas, Tennis Balls, and Mundunga Tobacco. Some have ſold their goods and lands171I2r171 lands (in their Ale) and they have been Beggers ever after being ſober. To adde to this, many of Sir Seldome Sobers men have beene ſo cunning as to transforme monie, goods, lands, health, reputation, and libertie, all into drink, and with a few words of their mouthes,(like a Charme) they have turn’d their good friends into the moſt deadly and inveterate Enemies; Some are much inclin’d to ſteale when they are drunke, and becauſe they love to be in action or practice, they wil picke their owne pockets I2ra-172I2v172 rather than want worke. And ſome of them are ſuch enemies to ſloth that they will ſleepe upon an Ale-houſe or Taverne- bench to avoid idleneſſe.
Thus every day all ſorts of people and Nations are drunke in ſeverall formes and poſtures, as in one place one may finde or meete a Dutchman bloated like a ſtinking Herring: in another place a Welchman ſtew’d as mellow as a Pruine: in a third place a Scotchman mull’d with drinke and ſmoake: in a fourth an Iriſhman pickl’d in Uſquebagh, and laſtly, an Eng-173I3r173 Engliſhman ſhall be all this and more to, for he will be drench’d, ſtew’d, mull’d, pickled, ſowz’d, and bloated; there is no learned Pot-leech or Renowned Malt-worme, that is worthy to hold the candle to an Engliſh Drunkard, for by the inſpiration of his Tap-laſh, and the infuſion of the ſpirit of the ſpiggot, hee is Geometrically ſkild to turn a Quadrangle into a Circle, and to drink round at a ſquare Table. The firſt Health is call’d a Whiffe, the ſecond a Slaſh, the third a Hunch, the fourth Thruſt, the fift is call’d I3Pot-174I3v174 Pot-ſhaken, the ſixth is ſeeing the Lions, the ſeventh, he is Scratch’d, the eighth, his Noſe is dirty, the ninth, hee hath whipt the Catt, the tenth, he is fox’d, the eleventh, hee is Bewitch’d, the twelfth, hee is Blinde, and the thirteenth and laſt, hee is drunke.
Drink is of that quickneſſe in operation, and of ſuch celeritie to inſpire the Braine of man, that I did once know a Gentleman that rode to the Univerſitie of Oxford, who entred the City about two of the clock afternoone, and at his comming thither, hee could175I4r175 could not ſpeak any Greek or Latine at all, but by the Enthuſiaſme of Drinke, and drinking roundly and ſquarely, and with briefe and diligent potting and cupping, hee profited ſo well, that in leſſe then four houres hee had forgot all his Engliſh, and could neither ſpeake or underſtand any word of his Mother tongue. One boaſted what a Traveller hee had beene, and how hee had beene rob’d and cheated in every Country where hee came: As he had the luck to loſe his Manners in Barbary, the Wild Iriſh and Red-ſhanks, I4ſtole176I4v176 ſtole his Civilitie, the Welſhman gull’d him of his truth. In Hungaria he was bereav’d of his Abſtinence and Sobrietie, in Sclavonia hee loſt his Gentility, in Spaine his Honeſtie ſuffered Shipwrack, and in Amſterdam hee ſtumbled, and (with the fall) loſt his Religion, or ſhatter’d it into Hereſies, Sects, ; Schiſmes; and all theſe loſſes and detriments hapned to him in his drinke, or drunken madnes. He brags further, that he hath been at Terra Incognita, where ſome Ladies doe ſay their prayers; and many Courtiers do177I5r177 doe keepe their words, where the Uſurers do lend and take no intereſt, and prodigall Gallants erect Almſhouſes, where Scriveners and publicke Notaries do weare long eares, and Towneſmen have very ſhort fore-heads; all theſe Rarities hee ſaw in a drunken Dreame. Beſides, hee ſaid, that hee was in England, and there he ſaw wonders, as King Henry the 8 Cod-piſſe, Charles Brandons Launce, Ancient Piſtol’s Sword, Smugge the Smiths Cap, SirJohn Falſtaffs Piſtoll, Cæſar Vandunks Bottle, Queen GuinniversI5 nivers 178I5v 178 nivers Maſque, Penelopes Fan, Lucretiaes Busk, Cleopatraes Fall, and the Muſſe of Semiramis: and all theſe ; thouſands more Whimſeys, Carwhitthets, Conondrums, and Ænigmaticall tricks and toyes are daily done by Drunkards.
And can any woman (that hath reaſon) or any man that hath ſence blame us poore weak Feminines, to bee grieved at theſe enormities; I, with the beſt of all my ſexe doe appeale to all whomſoever have but indifferent capacitie and judgement, bee they of what degree ſoever, either179I6r179 either male or female.
But yet I remember a few miſcheifs more which drunkennes hath and doth daily overwhelme us with all; ſometimes they quarrell, and not onely quarrell but kill on another in their drunken roring vaine, and oftentimes for very wicked cauſes, theſe Taverne frayes or brawls have hapned, as ſometimes becauſe the one had not his Cup fill’d as full as the other, ſometimes for not drinking all out (which is tearm’d, winding up your bottome) footing off your Bowle, ſup up your Cider) or180I6v180 or ſome other ſuch like learned phraſe, and the caſting away of a ſmall ſnuffe hath often bred a quarrell, or the not pledging a Health, which was begun to ſome unworthy perſon: perhaps, ſome oppreſſing inhoſpitable Great Man, or to a Begging-making Project-monger (whom a Commonwealth is bound to pray for over the left ſhoulder) or the Health may bee perhaps to ſome muſty Madam, or Muskie Gentlewoman, or to a cō mon proſtituted Whore, and ſuch vile occaſions as theſe many men have ſtab’d181I7r181 ſtab’d and ſlaine one another. There hath been two kill’d in the ſame unkinde kinde, within theſe few yeeres, with onely being ſtab’d into the eyes with Tobacco pipes.
And likewiſe, or more properly) in the like fooliſh way, they have thrown pots down the ſtaires, and a Drawer, or ſome other perſon (at the ſame time) hath bin comming up the ſaid ſtaires, who hath met the ſaid pot (being violently caſt) with their faces or heads, and beene kill’d out right: Thus have they by theſe mad-brained courſesſes182I7v182 ſes too oftentimes made hazard of ſouls, by diſpoſſeſſing them from mens bodies ſo ſuddenly and unprepared, alſo they have runne their necks into the nooze of the Law, by making untimely worke for the Hangman. And laſtly, (too many of them) have made forfeite of their eſtates, goods and Lands, leaving their wives beggerd, and their children nothing but a ſcandal, that their father died an ignominious death for killing of a man when hee was drunk.
But though this be bad which18318r183 which I have related, yet there is worſe then this behinde, for as wee are commanded to do no murder, (which is not to murder, others) Then ſurely they are moſt inhumane and uncharitable, who doe murder themſelves; which bloudie and barbarous fact is not to bee excuſed in ſuch as doe wilfully drinke themſelves to death, as Maſter John Stowe, in the 385 page of his Folio Chronicle, or Annals, doth recite a lamentable and remarkable accident, of 180 perſons that died in their Drunkenneſſe in leſſe then three184I8v184 three daies ſpace, and in the 753 page of the ſaid Booke, hee relates the like that happened to our Engliſhmen at the ſiege of the Groyne in Gallizia, where many hundreds loſt their lives with drinking. And if you but conſider ; take notice of our Weekly Bils for the Sickneſſe, you ſhall finde that everie Weeke ſome doe end their daies onely having kill’d themſelves with Surfets, of which all men doe know that drunkenneſſe is the chiefe occaſion. And in the Generall Bill for the yeere 16361636, it is ſet downe, that with-185I9r185 within London and the Liberties thereof, there died no fewer than 371 perſons all of ſurfeiting, and alſo 24 ſtarved with famine in the fields ; ſtreets, whom halfe the ſuperfluous expences of thoſe that kill’d themſelves with ſurfeiting might have relieved. There are three words or names of ſeverall things, which doe begin with the letter H. All which are good (if well uſed, but as they are too much abuſed, they have beene the overthrow and ruine of many; they are Horſes, Hawkes, and Howndes; ſome Horſes have186I9v186 have prooved like Sinons jade to the Trojans, their hungry entrailes have devoured and deſtroied their Maſters Illion, and ſcarcely left them a Cottage to hide their heads in, ſome have found their Hawkes like the Vulture to Prometheus, after they have muted away their ſubſtance, they have prey’d and tir’d upon their verie Hearts. And ſome their have been ſo addicted to Hownds, that in the end their Dogs have devoured them like ſo many Acteons. Now likewiſe there are three other things, whoſe names do187I10r187 do beginne with the letter D, of which (two of them never were, are or will bee commodious for man, and the third (which is moſt uſefull and neceſſary) is by the abuſe of it) the onely bane of miſgovern’d mankinde; They are Drabbes, Dice, and Drinke: I will not ſay but Drabbes may prefer the Prodigall from the Palace to the Pig-ſtie, where hee (being leaden with want, miſery, and diſeaſes) may bee brought to learne and feele the vertue of repentance. Secondly, the Dicer may (by his often ſlurring the bones of the188I10v188 the dead) be brought to have a feeling acknowledgment of his own living and moſt wretched condition: But the Drunkard is implacably obſtinate to bee ſo, he is, (as it were) riveted to drinke, he is inexorably rooted in his vice, and ſo unmoveable in his affection to be drunke, that though there be remedies for all other ſins, yet there is nothing but death it ſelf that can turn an old Drunkard into a ſober courſe.
Beſides the moſt impudent and frequent offenders, that are addicted to any other vice, be it what it189I11r189 it will be, they have ſome ſhew of modeſty, or deſire of privateneſſe in the acting or committing of any of their ingrafted or innated enormitie. The theife will warily watch that hee may not be ſeen when hee ſteales. The Whoremaſter will be cloſe, the Bawd will be ſecret, and though the Whore bee common, yet ſhee trades privately. Hee that takes bribes will receive them ſecretly, though the Projector doe ayme at every mans goods, yet hee covers his intentions, that it is for all mens good:190I11v190 good, though the cauſe went againſt the Client, yet the Lawyer and his fee told him other ways at the firſt, and though the Devill do day and night (with all diligence) ſeek our confuſion, yet hee can ſweetly allure us with cover’d ſlights ; poyſoned baits, that hee hides his uglineſſe under the ſhape of an Angell of Light. But the Drunkard is more impudent and ſhameleſſe then either Whoremaſter, Whore, Bawd, Thiefe, wicked Projector, corrupted Lawyer, or the Devill himſelfe. For although all191I12r191 all theſe before named, are as bad, as wickedneſſe can make them, yet I did never reade or heare of any of them that at any time were ſo fooliſhly paſt ſhame, as to boaſt or glory in any of their villanies, as many Drunkards will; I have heard ſome to brag, how many they have out-drank and drank drunk in a day, as he payd one, he pepperd another, he ſawced a third, hee anointed a fourth, hee ſcowred a fift, hee dranke 27 Glaſſes or Cups, and wonne the Rumpe of a Gooſe, and bravely made all his Company as fox’d as192I12v192 as fooles, and as beaſtly as Swine, and all the while this mighty and precious piece of ſervice was doing, hee plyde it hard, and in concluſion, hee was not much worſe when hee ended, then he was when hee began. And indeed, it is to be believed, that as one days worke cannot make him much the worſe, ſo it is to be doubted, that many dayes and nights, with the friendlieſt counſels, the godlieſt admonitions, the ſharpeſt reprehenſions, the ſevereſt excommunications, the dreadfulleſt execrations; all theſe can nei-193K1r193 neither mend or move him; but that he hath not onely reſolved to be wicked, but alſo to continue ſo, and to boaſt and glory in it. But to boaſt of ſinne is a degree beyond ſinne. To lay theſe abhominable enormities aſide, if wee ſhould conſider the good a drunkard doth, you will acknowledge him to be a moſt neceſſary evill: and (not to bereave him of his due) though hee be never well imployed, yet he he is never idle; and beſides he ſets may people a worke, that would otherwiſe be idle (or not have Kmuch194K1v194 much to doe:) As for example; He puts the Conſtable into buſineſſe, hee keepes the Watch waking; he viſits the Juſtice; he fees the Clerke; hee is profitable to the Chandler, Tobacco-Pipe maker, and potent Patentee; hee keepes the Drawer in perpetuall motion; he is beneficiall to the Glaſſehouſe; he enricheth the Wine-merchant, the Vintner, the Cooper, the Brewer, the Victuler, the Serjeant, and the Jayler; and many times hee is ſo great an enemy to idleneſſe, that hee makes worke for the Hang-man.And195K2r195
And now (ſweet Sir Seldome Sober) I pray your gravity to take it into your conſideration, that theſe fore-named vertues are no Womens Workes. Alas, poore ſilly Wretches as wee are, our weake capacities can never reach to the height of ſuch worthineſſe, wee have not the Art to ſwill and ſmoak away our huſbands, our owne, our Children, our Families, and our Landlords food, health, raiment, and rent. And when any of them are ſurfeited, and dangerous ſicke, what K2large196K2v196 large promiſes they will make, what reformed Men they will bee, if ever they may recover their Healths; and when many of them are well againe, the moſt part or great number of them doe keep their words like men of Durſly. As a pretty Jeſt happened lately at a Supper amongſt ſome Gentlemen and Women, where one of the gentlemen tooke a Cup in his hand, and ſaid to a little Girle of 4. Yeares of Age: wife I will drinke to you: the Child anſwered him, ſaying, I will be none of your Wife: Why197K3r197 Why, ſaid he? Becauſe you were drunke yeſterday, ſaid ſhe: with that they all laught heartily. But the man replyed, and ſaid to the Child, Sweet-heart, you ſhall be my Wife for all that; for I will bee drunke no more: To whom ſhe anſwered; So my Father ſaid the other day, when he was ſicke, but ſince hee is well againe, hee hath forgot his Promiſe, and is worſe now than ever he was.
It is reported, that a yong fellow was told his Fortune once by a Witch, or a Wizzard; which was, that he ſhould commit one K3of198K3v198 of theſe three moſt wicked and abhominable Facts, and that it was in his choiſe to chuſe which of them hee would: the one was, he ſhould kill his Father; the other was, that hee ſhould defloure his Mother: And the third was, that hee ſhould bee moſt deeply and extreamly Drunke: Hee in his Heart abhorring the two firſt, deteſting to bee the Death of his Father, (from whom he had Life) or to pollute and defile his mother that bore him: to avoyd both which execrable deedes, he made choiſe199K4r199 choiſe to be Drunke (as thinking it the leſſer Crime of the three.) But being brutiſh Barbarous, and beaſtly poſſeſt with too much Drinke, ſo that he knew not what he did, or ſaid, hee then committed all the three faults, of which hee made a drunken ſhift to avoyd but two.
And what woman can be ſuch a Tame Foole, as to hold her tongue in her mouth, and (like a dumbe Beaſt) ſay nothing to her unthrifty Husband, that ſhall day and night waſh downe his throate, with K4all,200K4v200 all, or the moſt part of their maintenance, and piſſe againſt the Wall his health, wit, money, and credit; and all her comfort is, that hee comes home, ſtinking, ſpewing, Belching, ſpetting, ſpawing, ſlavering, and (being once laid) ſnoring, like a Hogge in a Stie: or if he be not in that veine, perhaps he is in a worſe mood to ſweare, curſe, fight, fling, and throw. As one of your Water-men (Sir Seldome Sober) the firſt letter of his name is J. came home Delicately mad Drunke, and pluckt a Ropes201K5r201 Ropes end out of his Pocket, wherewith hee moſt ſorely beate his wife; which ſhee poore woman was faine to ſuffer with griefe and impatience: but within a weeke after, they being friends, ſhe provided him the ſame Ropes end for his ſupper, boyld in Broth, like an Eele, and when hee had eaten the Broth out of the Platter, hee tooke his Knife, with intent to cut part of the Eele, and finding it to be hard for his cutting, hee asked his Wife what it was? Truely Husband, ſaid ſhee, it is no worſe than K5what202K5v what you gave mee; and therefore I thought good to make it ready, and Cooke it for your Supper. Sir, it is a griefe to ſee, that a Gentleman of your great Calling, is ſo ill attended in the forenoones: for commonly the greateſt number of your ſervants and followers doe lye long a bed, ſo that you have but ſmall and ſlender ſervice of them, till three or foure of the Clocke in the afternoone, and from that time, till paſt Mid-night: the Tavernes, Ale-houſes, and ſtreetes are furniſhedſhed203K6r203 ſhed and throng’d with all ſorts of people, that for your honour are ſufficiently Drunke, and for your further reputations, in all places by their drinking, ſpeaking, going, or any other action or poſture of theirs they doe declare themſelves to bee Sir Seldome Sobers men.
And now I think it meet and convenient to Relate ſome few of their merry Pranke and Feates which they have done in their drinke.
A Young Roaring Gallant had newly entertained an old Gray-bearded Serving-man, whom his Maſter commanded to fetch him ſome Beere, for his Mornings draught; for it is to bee noted, that it is almoſt a generall Cuſtome or faſhion to drinke nothing elſe but Wine all the day after. The old fellow having brought the Beere delivered it to his Maſter;205K7r205 Maſter; who ſaid to him Thou haſt ſome experience by reaſon of thy age, and therefore I aske thy advice, Whether it be better for a man to take his mornings draught ſtanding or ſitting: the Servant anſwered, that it is beſt to take it ſtanding: Nay then I perceive thou art a foole, ſaid the Gentleman: for all Doctors, and Phyſitians, and other beſt approved judgements doe hold it meeteſt to drink it ſitting: Truly, Sir, ſaid the other, I am of a contrary opinion, for I thinke it the wiſeſt way to ſtand to my206K7v206 my drinke in the Morning, and to ſit downe to it in the after-noone, when I cannot ſtand.
There was on Richard Long, who was Yeoman Sadler to the King: The ſaid Long had made ſhift to bee in a Taverne a long time, from one of Clocke in the afternoone, till Mid-night: in which ſpace hee was growne very ſufficiently drunke; at laſt, taking his leave of his Comrades (the Skie beeing almoſt107K8r107 almoſt as darke as pitch) ſo that Long was forced to grope and foote out his way, from the Burrow of Southwarke to the Thames, to take a Boat: and as hee paſt from St.Saint Margarets Hill, through a way which is called the Dead mans place: wherein there are certaine Poſts driven to keepe the Carts from the Foote-way. But Long came ſtumbling, and blundring a good pace, and withall ranne his face and breaſt againſt one of the Poſts, which hee taking to be a man, up with his fiſt and ſtrooke the Poſt, and with208K8v208 with the blow broke his knuckles; whereat he was more angry, and running violently to ſtrike another blow, the Poſt repulſt him ſo ſtiffely, that Long ſtaggard backward, and fell into a Ditch that was behinde him: in which Ditch there was a little dirty ſoft Mud, (for the water was at that time ebb’d out) Long being thus laid in a ſoft Bed, one Nicholas Bennet, that dwelt neare the Banke-ſide, a Needle-maker by trade, he came in ſtumbling Poſt haſte the ſame way, and for want of eye-ſight hee ſhoul-209K9r209 ſhoulderd the ſaid Poſt ſo ſtrongly, that hee was made to recoyle in that manner, that hee fell backward into the Ditch alſo, and as hap was, hee fell upon Long, who ſuppoſing that he that aſſaulted him upon the way, had likewiſe purſude him in the Ditch; hee ſtarted up and ſaid, Thou Rogue, what wilt thou robbe or murther me, thou troubleſt me in my going home, thou threweſt me into this Ditch; and doſt thou follow me hither to doe mee a further miſchiefe? and with that hee layes about him, and heate poore210K9v210 poore Bennet, who cryed out to him, Maſter Long, I doe know you well enough, as I am a Chriſtian I fell in here againſt my will: I was driven in here by a Poſt that ſtands in the way, I pray you hold your hands, for I knew not of your being here in the Ditch: My name is Nick Bennet, a Needle-maker. Upon which words the Battle was ended, and as they fell in and out Poſt, they grew friends, and groap’d the way to bed by leiſure.
Another that had been late at Foxe-catching, was going (or intending) home to his Lodging, the Moone being at the full, ſhining very bright, ſo that the ſhadow of a Signe-Poſt lay croſſe the Gentlemans way, that hee by no meanes could ſtride over: (for hee imagined the ſhadow to bee a high Raile) whereat he offered, by lifting up his legge to get over, but could not lift high enough; all this while the hoſt of the houſe (that212K10v212 (that was the owner of the Inne and the Signe) ſtood in the ſhade of his doore, and noted what danger the Gentleman was in, and ſtood cloſely ſmiling to himſelfe; but at laſt the other eſpy’d him, and ask’d him what hee was, and who kept that houſe, that had dared to be ſo bold as to raile up the ſtreetes, to debarre Gentlemen of of their paſſage in the Night, to their Lodgings: and withall he would know what Signe was over his head, and to whom it belonged? To whom the Man anſwered, Sir, I am213K11r213 I am a man; I keep not the houſe, but the houſe keepes mee; I have not Raild up the ſtreetes, but you have Reeld in the ſtreetes: and whereas you would know what Signe it is, to tell you the truth Sir, it is the Gray-hound in Southwarke; but to ſpeake more properly, It is a Signe that you are Drunke.
And now I am in the Moone-ſhine, I remember a tricke or two more of the ſame kind: for once there ſtood a May-pole in the Strand, which had the ſhadow of it caſt quite thwart214K11v214 thwart the ſtreete, which a drunken gallant being double-ſighted, ſuppoſed to bee a broad ditch, over which hee could not poſſibly get, till at laſt hee wittily threw his Cloake over the ſhadow, and after that hee threw his ſword; and then going backe againe ſome dozen or twenty ſteppes, hee fetch’t a Runne, and rann with ſuch great advantage, that hee valiantly, and fortunately Leaped cleane over the Maypole ditch Shadow, ſwearing that hee would complaine to the Juſticesagainſt otherunknown