The womens
sharpe revenge:

Or an answer to Sir Seldome
that writ those
railing Pamphelets called
the Juniper and Crabtree
Lectures, &c.

Being a sound Reply and
a full confutation of those
Bookes: with an Apology
in this case for the defence
of us women.

Performed by Mary Tattle-well,
and Joane Hit-him-home,

Imprinted at London by I. O. and are
to be sold by Ja. Becket at his shop
in the inner Temple-gate. 16401640.

A2v A3r

The Epistle of the Female Frailty, to the Mal-Gender, in Generall.


If thou beest of the Masculine Sexe, we meane thee, and thee onely: and therefore greete thee with these attributesA3butesA3v butes following: Affable, Loving, Kinde, and Courteous: Affable we call thee, because so apt (I will not say to prate but) to prattle with us: Loving, in regard that the least grace being from us granted, you not onely vow to love us, but are loath to leave us: Kinde, that you will not meete with us, without Congies, not part from us with- A4r without Kisses: and Courteous, because so willing to bring your selves upon your Knees before us: more prone to bow unto Beauty, than to Baal; and to Idolatrize to us, rather than unto any other Idoll; and therefore our hope is, that what you use to protest in private, you will not now blush to professe in publicke: Otherwise in A4clea-A4v clearing our Cause, and vindicating our owne vertues, wee shall not doubt to divulge you, for the onely dissemblers.

And in this case we appeale unto your owne Consciences, even to the most crabbed and censorious, the most sowre and supercilious, which of you all hath not solicited our Sexe? petitioned to our per-A5r persons? praised our perfections? &c. wch of yonu hath not met us comming, followed us flying, guarded us going, staid for us standing, waited on us walking, and ambusht us lying? use Women to Court men? or have wee at any time complained of their Coynesse? Have we bribed them with our Bounties? Troubled them with A5our A5v our Tokens, Poetiz’d in their praises, prayd and protested, su’d and solicited, voted, and vowed to them? or rather they to us: would you apprehend a new Antipodes, to make al things to be carried by a contrary course, and run retrograde.

Then let the Raddish Roote plucke the Gardner up by the Heeles, and the shoulder of Mutton put theA6r the Cooke upon the Spit: for you as well may prove the one, as produce the other.

Yet suffer you us to be reviled, and railed at, taunted & terrified, undervalu’d, and even vilified, when among you all wee cannot find one Champion to oppose so obstinate a Challenger, but that wee are compelled to call a Ghost from her Grave, to standA6v stand up in the defence of so proud a defiance. Since then you will not be Combatants for us in so just a cause, wee intreat you to become competent Judges, to censure indifferently betwixt the Accuser and the Accused; to punish his petulancy, and not to favour us, if wee bee found the sole faulty.

So, if you shall give ourA7r our defamer his due, and that we gaine the Honour of the Day: If you be young men, we wish you modest Maides in marriage; if Batchellours, beautifull Mistresses; If Husbands, handsome wives, and good huswifes: If widdowers, wise, and wealthy widowes: if young, those that may delight you; if old, such as may comfort you: andA7v and so we women bequeath unto you all our best wishes.

From our Mannor of Make-peace: Dated the third day of Gander month, in the year of Jubile, not of Juniper.

Mary Tattle-well. Joane Hit him-home. Spinsters.


The Epistle to the Reader.

Long Megge of Westminster, hearing the abuse offered to Women, riseth out of her grave, and thus speaketh:

Why raise you quiet soules out of the grave?

To trouble their long sleep? What peevish Knave

Hath A8v

Hath wakned my dead ashes? and breath’d fire

Into colde embers? never to respire,

Till a new resurrection? so forc’t now:

(Through innocent Womens clamours) that I vow,

Th’earth could not hold mee, but I was compeld

To look on what (’tis long since I beheld)

The Sun and Day; what have wee women done,

That any one who was a mothers sonne

Should thus affront our sex? hath he forgot

From whence hee came? or doth hee seek to blot

His A9r

His owne conception? Is hee not asham’d,

Within the list of Mankinde to bee nam’d?

Or is there in that Masculine sex another

(Saving this Monster) will disgrace his mother?

I Margery, and for my upright stature

Sirnam’d Long Megge: of well disposed nature,

And rather for mine honour, then least scorne

Titled from Westminster, because there borne.

And so Long Megge of Westminster; to heare

Our fame so branded, could no way forbeare


But rather than disgest fso great a wrong,

Must to my ashes give both life and tongue.

And then (poore Poet) whatsoere thou beest

That in my now discovery, thy fault seest.

Confesse thine errour, fall upon thy knees,

From us, to begge thy pardon by degrees.

Else, I that with my sword and buckler durst

Front swaggering Ruffians, put them to the worst.

Of whom, the begging souldier, when he saw

My angry brow; trembled, and stood in awe.

I A9v

I that have frighted Fencers from the Stage,

(And was indeed, the wonder of mine Age,

For I have often, to abate their prides,

Cudgeld their coats & lamm’d their legs and sides.

Crosse mee no Tapster durst at any rate,

Lest I should break his Jugs about his pate.

’Tis knowne the service that I did at Bulloigne,

Beating their French armes close unto their woollein:

They can report, that with my blows and knocks

I made their bones ake, worse then did the Pocks.

Of A10r

Of which King Henry did take notice then,

And said; amongst my brave and valiant men,

I know not one more resolute, or bolder,

And would have laid his sword upon my shoulder,

But that I was a woman: And shall I

Who durst so proud an Enemy defie?

So fam’d in field, so noted in the Frenches,

A president to all our Brittish Wenches,

Feare to affront him; or his soule to vexe,

Who dares in any termes, thus taunt our sex?

Therefore relent thine errour I advise thee

Else A10v

Else in what shame soere thou shalt disguise thee,

I shall inquire thee out: nay, if thou should

Take on thee all those figures Proteus could,

It were in vaine: nay, (which the more may daunt thee)

Even to the grave, I vow my ghost shall haunt thee.

Therefore, what’s yet amisse, strive to amend,

Thou knowest thy doom, if farther thou offend.

The A11r
They otherA11r-A12v; pp.xviii-xxi B1r 1

The womens sharpe Revenge: Or, An Answer to Sir Seldome Sober, that writ those scandelous Pamphlets, called the Juniper and Crab-tree Lectures.

The Introduction. As from several causes proceed sundry effects, so from several actions arise sundry BhonoursB1v 2 honours with the addition of Names and Titles annexed unto them: neither need wee stand to prove that by argument, which wee finde by dayly experience. As for example, some are raised for their wealth, others for their worth; some by the Law, others by their learning: Some by Martiall Discipline; and (by your favour too) others for malicious detraction, as thinking to rise by others ruines, and by supplanting others, to support themselves. In which number wee must ranke you Master Satyrist, theB2r 3 the passionate Author of those most pittiful pamphlets called the Juniper Lectures, and Crab-tree Lectures; who by your meere Knavery, ambitious to purchase Knight-hood, & to adde a sir-reverence to A Title Which we women bestow upon our Godson, the Author of those Lectures. your name, are now arrived to the height of your Aime, and from plaine Seldome Sober, are now come to the Title of Sir Seldome Sober, who wee terme so, for he is ashamed to set his name to bookes; a Name fitting his Nature, and well complying with his condition.

And as there have beene B2for-B2v 4 formerly, by your meanes, Sir Seldome Sober, many railing, bitter, invective Pasquills, and Scurrilous Libels, some written, some printed, and all disperst and scattered abroad, all of them made and forg’d on purpose to callumniate, revile, despight, jeere, and flout women: and now lately one or two of the The Juniper Crabtree, and Wormewood Lectures. sonnes of Ignorance have pen’d three severall, sweet, filthy, fine ill-favoured Pamphlets, which are Printed, and (out of the most deepe shallownesse of the Authors aboundant want of Wisedom) they areB3r 5 And a new Lecture called the Bolster Lecture. are called Lectures, as the Juniper Lecture, the Crab- tree Lecture, & the Wormwood Lecture, wherein they have laid most false aspersions upon all women generally: some they have taxed with incontinency, some with uncivility, some with scolding, some with drinking, some with backbiting and slandering their neighbours, some with a continual delight in lying, some with an extraordinary desire of perpetuall gossipping: in a word, we are each of us accused and blazed to bee addicted and and frequently delighted B3withB3v6 with one grievous enormity or other, wherein, although it be true, that we are all the daughters of Eve in frailty, yet they might have remembred that they likewise are all the sons of Adam, in failing, falling, & offending. We are not so partial in the defence of all Womens vertues, that we thereby doe hold none to be vicious. Some are incontinent by Nature (or inheritance) from their Mothers; some through extreame want and poverty have beene forced to make more bold with that which is their owne, thenB4r 7 then to begge, steale, or borrow from others: Some (by the harsh usage of their too unkinde husbands) have beene driven to their shifts hardly: some having had the hard fortune to match with such Coxecombes, as were jealous without a cause, have by their suspitious, dogged, and crabbed dealing towards their wives, given too often, and too much cause to make their jealousie true. And whereas a Womans reputation is so poore, that if it be but so much as suspected, it will belong before the suspitionB4onB4v8 on will be cleared: but if it be once blemished or tainted, the staines and spots are of such a tincture, that the dye of the blemishes will sticke to her all her life time, and to her Children after her. But for the man hee takes or assumes to himselfe such a loose liberty, or liberty of licentious loosenesse, that though he be (as they call it) a Common Towne. Bull, or a runner at sheepe though hee passe the censures of spirituall courses, or high Commissions, yet (by custome) his disgrace will be quickly worne out, and B5r 9 and say it was but a tricke of youth: for the shame Nay rather a whoremunger. or scandall of a whoremaster is like a nine dayes wonder, or a Record written in sand, or like a suit of Tiffany, or Cobweb Lawne, soone worne out: but the faults of a weake Woman, are a continuall alarum against her, they are ingraven in brasse, and like a suit of Buffe, it may be turn’d, and scour’d and scrapt, and made a little cleanly, but it lasts the whole life time of the wearer. But to come to the worke in hand, as you you have a Title bestowed B5 upon B5v upon you by your backe friends, and we thinke deservedly.

So wee have knowne some, who have arrived to that Worshipfull Title through favour also, rather than desert, and more by voyces than their vertues, meerely by the mad sufrage of the many headed monster Multitude, which consisteth of Man: yet upon better advice, and more Mature Consideration, when their merits and misdemeanours have been more narrowly sifted, and looked into (being well compared together) they haveB6r 11 have not onely beene discrac’d, but degraded: so that now that worshipfull worke for which you have beene so much magnified by the Masculines, being now called into question by a Feminine Jury of women. It is thought after a The first opinion of the Jury of women. true and just examination thereof to bee meerely villified, and that it is nothing but a meere scandalous report, and therefore most justly condemned by the unanimous assent of all our Sexe; before whom, your Bartholmew Faire Booke, and most lying Lectures, hath not onely beenB6v 12 beene convented, but arraigned, lawfully convicted, and most justly condemned.

Now because no equall and indifferent censure shall any way justly except at, the Jury that went upon the cause: they were these. Twelve good women and true which will give you in order.

The 12 women which are chosen for the Jury. The fore-woman, who had the first and prime voyce, who gave up the Verdict, was Sisley set him out, Sarah set on his skirts, Kate call him to account, Tomasin Tickle him, Prudence pinch him, Franke firkhimB7r13 him, Besse bind him, Christian Commit him, Parnel punish him, Mall make him yeeld, Beterish banish him, Hellen Hang him.

Now if this be not a competent Jury, not to bee excepted at, and a legall Triall, no way to be revoked, we appeale unto you men, our greatest adversaries, and most violent abaters of our injuries.

And yet further to make the cause more plaine and evident of our sides, wee thought it good in our better consideration, not onely to publish unto the world, the calumnies and slandersB7v14 slanders asperst upon us: But our just Articles objected against him, and by comparing them together, to distinguish so betwixt them, that the truth may grow apparent.

Their opinion of what profession the Author was. But first touching the person who put these foule and calumnious aspersions upon us: If hee were a Tailer, most sure he was a womans Tailer, or (if so) no good Artist, because not being able to take the measure of a womans body, much lesse was he powerfull to make a true dimension of her minde, (and therein you areB8r 15 are gone Master Tayler) nay, what Artist soever you were, (for in one I include all) most of you have Wives and Children, and love them, and are indulgent over them, and wherefore then doe you incourage such invectives against us? If you beeing of your selves lewd, we be loving: wee well tutord, you untoward: we familiar you froward: we doating, and you dogged: and what wee get by spinning in the day, you spend in the night, and come reeling from the Taverne or the Alehouse: Is the faultours? B8v16 our? or are wee worthy any to bee blamed for this?

First they find him no scholar. Next in our Curious Inquisition and search, we finde him moreover to be no Schollar at all, as neither understanding us in our Gender, Number, nor Case, &c.

Not in one Gender, They prove him to be none. for in all the Creatures that were ever made, there is a mutuall love, and an alternate affection betwixt the Male and the Female: for otherwise there would be no Generation at all. But this most approved consociety by all his industrydustryB9r17 dustry and endeavour hee striveth to annihilate, and disanull, forgetting that even hee himselfe by the same Unity and Unanimity, had his first originall and being.

Wherein his failing is. Then he faileth in Number, by making all of us in generall, not onely to bee wayward, but wicked, tedious, but troublesome, lazy, but loathsome, with many of the like enormities: and indeed we know not what his inveterate malice or madnes would stretch unto: when, if perchance there may bee foundB9v18 found a singular Number of such delinquents, yet there may bee a plurall, (and that stretcheth beyond all limit and account) who never transgrest; or fell into those grosse errours, of which he so Satyrically accuseth our Sexe.

He is quite out in all the Cases But in our Cases hee is most horrible out, and directly opposeth all the Rules of Grammer. For instance,

First, in the Nomnative. In the Nominative, by calling us out of our Names, and in the stead of Maidenly Modest, Matron-like, &c. to brand usB10r19 us with the Characters of scoulds, vixens, praters, pratlers, and all the abusive Epithites that spleene or malice can invent, or devise.

Second, in the Genetive. In the Genetive, by making us to be loose, lascivious, wanton, wilfull, inconstant, incontinent, and the Mothers of misbegotten Children, by which hee unadvisedly bringeth himselfe within the doubtfull suspition of spuriousnesse, and Bastardy.

Third, in the Dative In the Dative, by giving and conferring upon our geneneral Sex, such strange andB10v 20 and almost unheard of aspertions: which as we have little desir’d, so we never deserv’d, forgetting that he includeth his Mother, Sisters, & Nieces, Daughters; nay, his own bosome wife, (if hee have any in the same Catalogue.)

Fourth, in the Accusative. In the Accusative, by false calumnies, and injust Accusation contrary to all Schollar-ship: as ignorant, that Fœmineo generi tribuuntur―――― Propria quae maribus.

Fifth, in the Vocative. In the Vocative, because it is like to the nomnative.

Sixt, in the Ablative. In the Ablative, becausecauseB11r cause he striveth to take away our credits, reputations, Fame, good Name, &c. All which argue, and approve, that hee was in a bad Moode, and worse Tence at the Writing of those malicious Lectures.

He is no Poet. A Poet sure hee could not be: for not one of them but with all his industry strived to celebrate the praises of some Mistris or other: as for example, Amongst the Greekes, Aristophanes, Meander, &c. Amongst the Romans, Catullus his Lesbir, Gallus his Licoris, Ovid B11v 22 and Ovid his Corina. Amongst the Spaniards, George de Monte major his Diana; and Aulius March his Tyresa. Amongst the Italians, Petroch his Laura, &c. And of our owne Nation, Learned Master Spencer his Rosalinde, and Sam.Samuel Daniel his Delia &c.

Now to make the case They make the case plain. more plaine and evident of our sides, wee have thought it good to publish unto the World those matters of which hee was arraigned, and now justly convicted. The first was scoffing and taunting at ourB12r 23 our Sexe in generall: now who knowes not, but that Quips and Scoffes are nothing else but the depraving of the Actions of others, the overflowing of wits, and the superfluous soummes of conceite, and for the most partt, asking others of those errours of which themselves stand most guilty; and hee that playeth the scoffing foole best, though it may bee in him a signe of some wit, yet it is an argument of no wisedome at all. Adders keep their venome in their Tayles, but the poyson of a Buffone lyeth in his tongue,B12v24 tongue, and faults wilfully committed by mocking cannot be satisfied, or recompensed by repentance. But better it is for a man Better for a man to be borne foolish, then to imploy his wits unwisely. obscuredto bee borne foolish, than to imploy his wit unwisely; for mockery is nothing else, but an Artificiall injury, and wee finde by proofe, that there be more mockers, than well meaners; and more that delight in foolish prating, then that practice themselves in wholesome precepts; we must confesse that to jest is tollerable, but to doe harme by jestings, is insufferable; for itC1r 25 it is too late to prevent ill, after ill committed, or to amend wrong after injury received. Many things that are sweete in the Mouthe, may prove bitter in the stomacke and scoffes pleasant to the eare, may be harsh to the better understanding. But whosoever shal undertake in his curiosity of Wit, to deride an innocent, either with flattery or foolery, shall but delude himselfe in his owne insufficiency and folly: for as the fairest Beauty may prove faulty, so even the wittiest scoffe may prove ridiculous:C lousC1v26 lous: And notwithstanding all those Fooles bolts, so fondly aimed, and so suddenly shot, we have this Sentence from one of the Wise men, to comfort us, that losse which is sustained with modesty, is much better than the gaine purchased by impudence. Nay, to bee accounted a Princes Jester, is to be esteemed no better than a meere mercinary Foole. And this Railer being in a lower ranke, as having dependance upon none but his owne defamatory Pen, what Epithite bad enough may we deviseC2r27 devise to conferre upon him; but we remember thus much, since wee first read our Accidence.

Quæ vult, quæ no vult audiet.

Thus Englished.

He that to speake will not forbeare,

More (then he would have spoke) shall heare.

The second thing he stands convicted of is Detraction. The second thing of which he standeth convicted, is detraction and slander, which is the superfluity of a cankered heart, overcome with Choler, C2andC2v28 and wanting meanes and opportunity of desired revenge, growes into scandalous and reproachfull speeches. The Testates of Hate and Malice, whose condition is to call Innocence into question, thogh not able to prove ought against it: and such are worse to us than Vipers, for those when we spie we kill them; but these when we cherish they kill us. It is observ’d that the corrupt heart discovereth it selfe by the lewd tongue, and those that speake evill of Women, are held no better than Monsters amonst goodC3r 29 good men; but such for the most part, who seeke to bring others into hatred, have in processe of time growne odious even to themselves: but such may be compared to him, which bloweth the powder that flusheth into his owne face, and troubleth his seeing: nay such are said to murther three at once; first, himselfe, next, him that gives eare to his scandals and reports them after him; and lastly, him whose good name hee seeketh to take away; not considering, that Nature hath bestowedC3edC3v30 ed upon us two eares, and two eyes, yet but one tongue; which is an Embleme unto us, that though we heare and see much, yet ought wee to speake but little: They that can keepe their Tongues keepe their friends; for few words cover much Wisedome, and even fooles being silent have past for wise men. But the Proverbe is, that even those that but listen, or give encouragement to scandall, or mis-report, deserve to lose their hearing, if not their eares.

And C4r 31

And therefore, gentle Reader, beleeve not every smooth Tale that is told, neither give too much credit to the Plaintiffe before you heare the Defendant Apology for himselfe, lest through light trust thou bee deceived, and by thy too easie beliefe, manifestly deluded.

But it is the fashion of all these calumniating Coxecombes, to bite those by the backe, whom they know not how to catch by the bellies.

A third thing objected and proved against him. The third thing objected, and proved upon him, is palpable lying; against C4which,C4v 32 which, the Ægptyians made a Law, that who so used it should not live. The like did the Scithians, the Garamants, the Persians, and the Indians. Now how much hee hath belyed the worthinesse of our Sexe, I appeale to any understanding Reader, who hath purused his Bookes, if hee have not branded us with many a false and palpable untruth, as shall bee made more apparent hereafter, when we come to the enrowling of his Books, and anatomizing his Lectures. But is is an old said Saw, andC5r 33 and a true: We cannot better reward a Lyer, then in not believing any thing that he speaketh: so odious is the very name, that in the opinion of many, a Thiefe may be preferred before him: for it is his property to take upon him the habite and countenance of Honesty, that he may the more secretly insinuate, and more subtilly deceive by his Knavery.

They indite him of Heresie He was indited also of Heresie, and false opinion, which hath power to make men arme themselves one against another,C5ther,C5v34 ther, and all of them against us. It is borne of Winde, and fed by imagination, never judging rightly of any thing as it is indeed, but as it seemes to bee, making what it probable improvable; and impossibilities, possibilities: nay, it is of such force, that it overthroweth the love betwixt man and wife, Father and Child, Friend and Friend, Master and Servant: nay more, it is as the Spring and Fountaine of seditione; and who knowes not but all sedition is evill, how honest soever thegroundC6r35 ground be pretended.

They prove him perjur’d. And last of perjury, in making breach of that oath which he made when he was first marryed: for in the stead of taking his Wife to have and to hold, for better and worse: with my body I the worship, with all my worldly goods I thee endow, &c. hee hath runne a course cleane contrary to all this, in taunting and scoffing, baiting and abusing, rayling and reviling at all our Sexe in generall, from which number even his wife to whom hee vowed all the former, and whoC6v 36 who nightly sleepeth, or ought to sleepe in his bosome, is not excluded: or say that she was of a perverse and turbulent spirit, a crabbed or curst condition, or a dissolute and divellish disposition. Say that she was given to gadding and gossiping, to revelling or royoting (so that hee might very well sing, I cannot keepe my Wife at home) or say that, not without just cause, she might make him jealous: what is this to the generality of the Female Gender? one Swallow makes not a Summer: nor for theC7r 37 the delinquency of one, are all to be delivered up to censure? As there was a Lais, so there was a Lucrece: And a wise Cornelia, as there was a wanton Corina: And the same Sexe that hath bred Malefactors, hath brought forth Martyrs.

Strong arguments. An this is an argument which we might amplifie even from the Originall of all History; nay, and would not spare to doe it, had wee but the benefit of your breeding.

But it hath beene the policy of all parents, even from the beginning to curbeC7v38 curbe us of that benefit, by striving to keep us under, and to makes us mens meere Vassailes even unto all posterity. How else comes it to passe, that when a Father hath a numerous issue of Sonnes and Daughters, the sonnes forsooth they must bee first put to the Grammar schoole, and after perchance sent to the University, and trained up in the Liberall Arts and Sciences, and there (if they prove not Block-heads) they may in time be booklearned: And what doe they then? read the Poets C8r39 Poets perhaps, out of which, if they can picke out any thing maliciously devised, or malignantly divulged by some mad Muse, discontented with his coy or disdainfull Mistris; then in imitation of them, he must divide some passionate Elogy, and pittifull ay-me: and in the stead of picking out the best Poets, who have strived to right us, follow the other, who doe nothing but raile at us, thinking he hath done his Mistris praise, when it may bee hee hath no Mistris at all, but onely feignes to him-C8v 40 himselfe some counterfeit Phillis, or Amarillis; such as had never any person, but a meere ayery name: and against them hee must volly out his vaine Enthusiasmes, and Raptures, to the disgrace and prejudice of our whole Sexe.

The reason why women are not so learned as men. When we, whom they stile by the name of weaker Vessells, though of a more delicate, fine, soft, and more plyant flesh, and therefore of a temper most capable of the best Impression, have not that generous and liberall Educations, lest we should beeC9r 41 bee made able to vindicate our owne injuries, we are set onely to the Needle, to pricke our fingers: or else to the Wheele to spinne a faire thread for our owne undoings, or perchance to some more durty and deboyst drudgery: If wee be taught to read, they then confine us within the compasse of our Mothers Tongue, and that limit wee are not suffered to passe; or if (which sometimes happeneth) wee be brought up to Musick, to singing, and to dancing, it is not for any be-C9v42 benefit that thereby wee can ingrosse unto our selves, but for their own particular ends, the better to please and content their licentious appetites, when we come to our maturity and ripenesse: and thus if we be weake by Nature, they strive to makes us more weake by our Nurture. And if in degree of place low, they strive by their policy to keepe us more under.

Now to shew wee are no such despised matter as you would seeme to make us, come to our first Creation, when man was madeof C10r43 of the meere dust of the earth, the woman had her being from the best part of his body, the Rib next to his heart: which difference even in our complexions may bee easily decided. Man is of a dull, earthy, and melancholy aspect, having fallowoes in in his face, and a very forrest upon his Chin, when our soft and smooth Cheekes are a true representation of a delectable garden of intermixed Roses and Lillies.

In what the Women agree to. We grant it for a truth, that as there is no sword made of steele, but it hath Iron,C10v Iron: no fire made of the sweetest Wood, but it hath Smoake: Nor any Wine made of the choysest Grapes, but it hath Lees: So there is no Woman made of flesh, but she hath some faults. And I pray you are there any men, who are not subject to the like frailties.

Aspertions laid upon Women. Others have said that Closets of Womens thoughts are alwayes open; and the depth of their hearts hath a string that reacheth to their Tongues: and say this be granted, may wee not alsoC11r 45 also say of mens breasts that lye unvaild to entertaine all vices: and whatsoever they cannot sufficiently twatle with their Tongues, they cannot contain themselves there, but the must publish it with their Pennes: (one of the grand faults of which our arch Adversary at this present standeth convicted.)

Women the true glory of Angels. I have heard from the mouth of the learned, that a faire, beautifull, & chaste woman was the perfect Image of her Creator, the true glory of Angels, the rare myracle of Earth andC11v 26 and the sole wonder of Women are the best Creatures on earth. the World: and more over that the man who is married to a peaceable and vertuous wife, being on earth hath attained Heaven, being in want hath arrived to wealth, being in woe is possest of weale, and being in care enjoyeth comfort; but contrarily of man, who ever gave such a Noble Character?

But I will not incist too long upon this argument, though it might be strong there by the authority both of President and History, least we might bee critically taxed of selfeloveloveC12r47 love and flattery. And yet that wee may make a safe fortification and Bulwarke against our Adversaries so violent assault and Battery, give us leave to proceed a little further.

What brave men have writ in womens praise. If wee bee so contemptible growne either in Quality and Condition, in Conversation or Deportment, in Name, or Nature, how comes it that so many elaborate Pennes have beene imployed in our prayse, and there have beene such witty Encomiums Writ in our Commendation? such as have sweld Volumes,lumes,C12v48 lumes, and enricheth Liberaries. What Oades, Hymnes, Love-songs, and Laudatories, in all kinde of sweete measure and number have not beene by Poets devised to extoll the beauties and vertues of their Mistrisses? What power have they not cald upon? and what Muse not invoakt, that they might give them their full meed & merit? by which only, divers have attained to the honour of the Lawrell, amongst all Nations, Tongues, and Language in all Frequency from Antiquity.

Were D1r 49

Were it a thing new or rare, or of late birth, it perhaps might be cald into some suspition and question: but carrying with it the reverence of Age, Antiquity, and Custome, what can we hold him but some novice in knowledge, and childe in knowledge, and childe in understanding, that shall presume or dare any kinde of way to contradict it.

But there are many malevolent and ill disposed persons, who having by all crafty and subtle Traines insidiated the chastities as well of maids as Matrons, making no Ddistin-D1v 50 distinction betwixt wives and Matrons, who being disappoynted in their ill purpose, by the vertues of of those good Women, whom they thought to vitiate, have presently growne into such a passionate Fury, and melancholy madnesse, that having no other meanes to revenge themselves, they have studied how by their tongues to trouble them, or by their penns traduce them: And so, whose bodies they could not compasse, their good Names they would corrupt, and of such, this Age affords too many, whichD2r51 which (alas the while) makes a great sort of us much to suffer in our reputations: but wee againe comfort our selves with this poore Cordiall, That of sufferance commeth ease: and though truth may be blamed, yet can never be shamed.

Other examples. Others there are, who of their ill fortune hath beene to light upon a bad match, a Shrow, a Wanton, or the like, (as there are of all sorts in all sexes) they set downe their rest there, and seeke no farther, but measure all other mens Corne by their D2owneD2v52 owne bushell, as thinking none can bee rich because he himselfe is a Banquerupt; which is just as if a man that by chance shall cut his finger, should ever after refuse the use of a knife; or having scorcht his hand, sweare never to warme him at the fire, or having bin pincht with a straight shooe, now all his life time to goe barefoot.

If women be so bad, why doe men proffer their service & love to them. Further, if wee were such toyes and trifles, or so vile and vitious, as our adversarie striveth to make the world beleeve we are; how comes this seeking,D3r53 seeking, this suing; this Courting, this cogging; this prating, this protestting; this vowing, this swearing, but onely to compasse a smile, a kind looke; a favour, or a good word from one of us? can any be so simple to seeke his affliction? or so sottish to sue for his owne ruine? what foole would trouble himselfe to find his owne torment? or what Coxecombe pursue his owne confusion? Is he not worse than franticke, that desires his owne fall? and more than a mad man that hunteth after his owne misery?D3ThenD3v54 Then by consequence, if we be apish and waggish, wilfull and wanton; such cares, such burdens, such troubles, such torments, such vexation, such Serpents, such Syrens, or such may-games, or rather monsters as you would make If men see such dangers in women, why doe they not let them alone. of us: why cannot you let us alone, and leave us to our owne weakenes and imperfections? if then seeing such palpable danger before your eyes, and you wilfully run into it; if you see Hell gates open, and you violently enter them: are you not more simple than babes and Children? nayD4r 55 nay than Fooles, Cockscombes, Frantickes and mad men; Epithites attributes not without your owne gilt, most justly and deservedly throwne upon you.

And much good may they doe you, I pray you weare them for our sakes as the best favours you have merited from us; whilst wee in the interim strive to vindicate our Sexe from all vainely supposed, but voluntary suggested calumnies.

Wee have heard of a Gun-pouder Treason plotted by men, but never D4heardD4v56 heard since the beginning Women were never Actors of Gunpowder Treasons. of the world such a divelish & damned Stratagem devised by women; and yet you are the Masculine milke-sops that dare doe nothing, and we the Feminine undertakers, that dare to enterprize all things. Can you reade of any female gilty of the like inhumane acts? or was any one of our Sexe ever nominated to be conscious Women have no hand in any Conspiracy. of trayterous conspiracy against their King and Country? nay rather, women have bin sorry, that through the lusts and importunity of men, they haveD5r 57 have bin forced to bee the mothers of such monsters: and therefore Sir Seldome Sober, it may bee presuppos’d, that when you writ this bitter invective, you were either in your holyday and hic-up healths, in your bouzing Cups, and bouncing Cans; and had got a politicke pot in your pate, or you were else in your deadly dumps and drowsie dreames, which were so violent at that time upon you, that they made you destitute of knowledge, and quite voyd of understanding.

It is further knowne, D5thatD5v58 Women never rebelled, or cōmenced Suites of Law against the King. that when men out of their vaine ambitious fooleries have commenced Warre one against the other, when a City hath bin besieged, and the fainthearted men have bin ready to give it up to spoile and ransacke: The women have stood up, man’d and maintained the walls, and What brave actions womē have performed from time to time. stopt and defended the Breaches, whilst your brave male Martialists have bin ready to beray their breeches; beate the enemy out of their Trenches, sav’d their selves from prostitution, their City from desolation, and theirD6r59 their Husbands and Children from captivity and bondage.

Nay more, it is authentically recorded, that when two Provinces of Greece fought together, and the one party fled and gave way to the Enemy: The wives & mothers of these which were distressed stopped them in their flight, and shewing themselves naked above the navell, cald unto them and rated them for their Cowardise, demanding of them whether they went to cover themselves, in the places from whence they first cameD6v 60 came, and were first conceived, and to be buried where they were borne; at which sight they were so abashed and ashamed, that they tooke fresh courage; and turning their faces from them upon the enemy, they gained thereby a great and glorious victory.

Some doe accuse us to be The reasons why women are accused for lying. much given to lying; indeed I must confesse it to be a fault in the most of the best Wives: yet I would have our detractor to know that every excuse is not a lye, or if it bee, then are most Husbands behol-D7r 61 beholding to their Wives for excusing them too often in lying to save their credits: for alas (poore wretches) we are faine to hide and cover their faults and imperfections with our poore excuses, as for example; if one of them be crewell, crabbed, and currish, that hee will snap, snarle, and bite with his dogged language and conditions, then the poore woman (like a foole) reports him to be a kind, loving, and affectionate husband, ergo she lyes; another knowes her Husband to bee a wicked Whore hunter,hunter,D7v62 hunter, and that he doth (in a manner) keepe a Trull or two under her nose; yet shee will say her nose; yet shee will say her Husband is a very honest man: ergo she lyes too. A third spends most of his time in drinking or gameing, and his poore wife is so kind, as to acknowledge him for a good painefull, sober, and civill Husband, and I am sure she lyes abhominable. I could insist further into such particulars, but these are sufficient to shew that the most part of women being lyers, is onely out of goodnesse to coverthe D8r63 the faults and abuses of wicked men.

No woman so full of inormities as men are. Whereas they taxe us of incivillity, I would have any indifferent man or woman to take notice, that it is a very hard winter when one Wolfe doth eate another, or when the Kill doth upbraid the Oven for being burnt; for though we doe not brag, or prate, (like the boasting vaine-glorious Pharisee) that wee are not like other folks in conditions, or (in a word not worthy to compare with men for their unknowne invisible good parts and qualities)yetD8v64 yet surely, we neither can, or doe run head-long into such impious inormities; with such uncontroulable violence as they doe: as if they were Created for no other use or purpose, then to sweare, blaspheme, quarrell, be drunke, game, Rore, Whore, murder, steale, cheat; & in briefe, to be daily practisers and Proficients in the most liberall seven deadly Sins: and these are the excellent civill behaviours of those man-like monsters that doe taxe women generally with incivillity.

If women be proud (or adictedD9r65 If we women bee adicted to pride, it is long of you men. adicted to pride) it is ten to one to be laid, that it is the men that makes them so; for like inchaunters, they doe never leave or cease to bewitch & charme poore women with their flatteries, perswading us that our beauty is incomperable, our complexion of white and red, like Straberies and Creame; our cheekes like damaske Roses covered with a veile of Lawne, our lips are Corall, our teeth Ivory, our haires Gold, our eyes Chrystall, or Sunns, or Load-stars, or Loves Darts: our glances Launces, our voyces, ourD9v 66 our breathes perfum’d Musicke, our vertues Immortall, and our whole frame, feature, and composure Celestiall.

When I was a young maid of the age of fifteene, there came to mee in the wooing way, very many of those Flyblowne Puf-past Suitors: amongst the rest, one of them was as brave a Gentleman, as any Tayler could make him: he under-went the noble Title of a Captaine, & if I had made triall of him, I doubt not but I might have found him a most desperate Chamber Champion, for he did scent of the MuskCatCatD10r 97 Cat instead of the Musket, he was an Ambergreace gallant, that once was a valient Tilting Rush-breaker at the married of the Lady Josinqua, daughter to the Duke of Calabria, verily he was a dainty purfum’d carpet Captaine, a powdred Potentate, a painted Periwig frizled, frounced, Geometricall curious Glas-gazer, a comb’d, curl’d and curried Commander, a resolute profest Chacer or hunter of fashions, and a most stiffe, printed, bristled, beardstarcher.

This Captaine Complement, with his Page Implementplement,D10v68 plement, laid hard Siege to the weake Fortresse of my fraile Carkasse, hee would sweare that his life or death were either in my accepting or rejecting his suite, he would lye and flatter in prose, & cogge and foyst in verse most shamefully; he would sometimes salute me with most delicious Sentences, which he alwayes kept in sirrup, and hee never came to me empty mouth’d or handed; for hee was never unprovided of stew’d Annagrams, bak’d Epigrams, sows’d Madrigalls, pickled Round delayes, broyld Sonnets,D11r69 Sonnets, parboild Elegies, perfum’d poesies for Rings, and a thousand other such foolish flatteries, and knavish devices which I suspected, and the more hee striv’d to over-come mee, or win mee with Oathes, promises & protestations, still the lesse I beleev’d him; so that at last hee grew faint at the Siege, gave over to make any more Assaults, and vanquish’d with despaire made a finall Retreat. In like manner I wish all women and maids in generall, to beware of their guilded Glosses; an enamoured ToadeD11v80 Toade lurkes under the sweet grasse, and a faire tongue hath bin too often the varnish or Embrodery of a false heart; what are they but lime-twiggs of Lust, and Schoole-masters of Folly? let not their foolish fancy prove to bee your braine-sicke frenzy; for if you note them, in all their speech or writings, you shall seldome or never have any word or sillable in the praise or goodnesse, or true vertue to come from them; their talke shall consist either of wealth, strength, wit, beauty, lands, fashions, Horses, Hawkes,D12r81 Hawkes, Hounds, and many other triviall and transitory toyes, which as they may be used are bles sings of the left Hand, wherewith they obscured entice and intrap poore silly yong tender-hearted Females to be enamoured of their good parts (if they had any) but if men would lay by their trickes, slights, false-hoods and dissimulations: and (contrarily) in their conversing with us, use their tongues and pens in the praise of meekenes, modesty, chastity, temporance, constancy, and piety; then surely women wouldD12v72 would strive to be such as their discourses did tend unto: for wee doe live in such an age of pollution, that many a rich wicked man will spend willingly, and give more to corrupt and make spoyle of the chastity, and honour of one beautifull untainted Virgin, than they will bestow (in charity) towards the saving of an hundred poore people, from perishing by famine here, or from perdition in a worser place: and because they say women will alwaies lye, I doe wish that (in this last point I touch’d upon)E1r73 upon) they would make or prove me a lyer.

Who but men have bin the Authors of all mischiefes? had that firebrand of Troy (Paris) not stolne Hellen from her Husband King Menelaus, surely she had remained a wife in Sparta, and never beene strumpeted in Phrygia: the ten yeares Siege and sacking of Illion was never sought by women, but wrought by men: who but men are Traytors, Apostates, Irreligious, Sectaries and Scismatiques? Alas, alas; these are vessels of vices and villanies, which EthE1v74 the weak hands or braines of women could never broach. Who but men are Extortioners, Usurers Oppressors, Theeves, perjur’d persons, & Knights of the Post? who but men doe write, print, divulge and scatter Libells, Rimes, songs and Pasquills against the knowne Truth; against Soveraigne Authority, against all Law, equite, and Conformity to Loyalty? who but men have, and doe set forth pestifferous Pamphlets, Emblemes, and Pictures of Scurrillity and nasty obsceanesse? I am sure that Ovid, and Aretine wereE2r 75 were no women, nor was there ever any Woman found to be the Authoresse of such base and vile inventions.

An Answer to the aspersion cast upon women for being Gossips. In one of their late wise rediculous Lectures, they doe cast an aspersion upon us that wee are mighty Gossips, and exceeding Scolds; to the first I Answer, that the most part of our meetings at Gossippings are long of the men, rather than to be imputed to us; for when children are borne into the world (although men feele none of the mmisery) yet women have a more knowne E2simpa-E2v 76 simpathy & feeling of one anothers paines & perills; ; therefore in Christianity and neighbourly love & charity, women doe meet to visit and comfort the weakenes of such, as in those dangerous times doe want it; and whereas they say that wee tipple, and tittle-tattle more than our shares, I shall (before this discourse is ended) cast that Ball backe againe in their teeths, and emblaze them truely to bee most vaine and idle talkers; and that no living thing Created is so sottish, sencelesse, brutish and beastly, as most ofE3r 77 of them have bin, and are daily, nightly, and hourely in their drinke: for their much talke (to no purpose) doth shew that there is a running issue, or Fistula in their minds.

Man might consider Women are not borne to be mēns slaves. that women were not created to be their slaves or vassalls, for as they had not their Originall out of his head, (thereby to command him;) so it was not out of his foote to be trod upon, but in a (medium) out of his side to be his fellowfeeler, his equal & companion: but as the Divell can be (at one time) both E3theE3v78 the Prince of darknesse, and an Angell of Light; so can these double-hearted men beare fire in one hand and water in the other, so that one knowes not where to have them, nor how to find them; being neither hot or cold, but like Luke-warme Laodiceans: for many of them are like the Cinamond Tree, their Rinde better than the Trunke: they are (too many of them) rare Doctors of Divility, crafty Merchants, whose Wares are flatteries, congies, cringes, complements, leggs, faces, and mimmicke mar-E4r79 marmositical Gestures, and are fitter by halfe, for stamps to Coyne any currant wickednesse then any women can be.

Every thing but man doth Naturally incline to his proper place.

Every thing (but man) doth naturally encline to be in his proper place, as for example: Lead, Stomes, or any ponderous or weighty matter or mettall will sinke downe, fire doth mount upwards, Rivers run to the to the Sea, Trees to the Earth, and Fowles to the Aire: every thing doth seeke to bee in his naturall place constantly, onely men are inconstant, and seldome or never doth keep his constantE4stantE4v80 stant course. Nay the very Beasts and unreasonable Creatures are his Schoolemasters, and goe beyond him in goodnesse: Hee may learne meekenesse of the Lambe, simplicity of the Dove, dilligence of the Ants, kindnes of the Stork, memory of the Oxe and Asse, fidellity of the Dog, watchfulnesse of the Cocke subtilty of the Serpent, magnanimity of the Lion: the Eagle (or Vulture) doth goe beyond him in sight, or seeing; the Dog surpasseth him in the sence of smelling, Stags, Hares, and Birds doe outgoe him in swiftnesse, HorsessesE5r81 ses & Elephants in strength, and Crowes or Ravens in length of life: Besides every thing (except man) hath the wit to shun and avoyd danger, as Sheepe will run from the Wolfe, the Cat from the Dog, the Hare from the Hound, the Rat from the Cat, the Chicke from the Kite, and the Dove from the Hawke; but man will not avoyd wickednes, nor run from the Divell; he is also so voracious and insatiate, that though a Parke will satisfie an Heard of Deere, a medow will suffice many Cowes and a Bull, a field will serve Horses, a D5ForrestE5v 82 Forrest will feed wild Beasts and Fowles, the Earth doth content Wormes and Vermine, the Sea containes Fishes: And man (onely man) is never contented; his ingurgitating Maw is the Sepulcher of Fishes, Fowles, Beasts, Hearbes, Fruites, Rootes, and all things else whatsoever that his Rapine can prey upon. Besides, hee hath in him the pride of the Horse, the Lions fiercenesse, the Wolves ravening, the Dogs biting more addicted to truculency then the Beare, more obstinate than the Oxe, more beastly rash than the Bore, more various thanE6r flawed-reproduction3 than the Leopard, more mutable than the Camelion, as deceitfull as the Foxe, as desperate as the Elephant, fearefull as a Hare, revengfull as the Cammell, as lascivious as the Goate, as full of scoffing and jeering as an Ape, as uncleanly as a Sow, as silly as a Sheepe, and as foolish as an Asse. This Land hath rob’d and cheated almost all other Nations of their vices, for we have gotten Gluttony from Greece, Wantonnes from Italy, Pride from Spaine, Complement from France, Drunkennes from Germany, Infidelity from the Jewes,E6v84 They prove that England hath robbed all Nations of their Vices. Jewes, Blasphemy from the Turkes, Idolatry from the Indians, Superstition from Rome, Sects from Amsterdam, Errors from all places, makes Scismes & Divisions at home. And these are the rare vertues, and admirable quallities of the most part of such men as have (and doe daily) enveigh and raile against women with their scandalous tongues, and infamous abusive Libells; and in a word to conclude this poynt, if any man be great in Office or Dignity, and that he hath uncontrollable power to doe what he will; it is a hard matter forE7r85 for him to restraine himselfe from doing much hurt, and little good.

Dogs doe naturally barke and snarle at strangers, and such as they doe not know; Women were never so bad as men. and so those men that are ignorant in their malice, (or mallicious in their ignorance) doe Reprehend and abuse women, and in their rayling they have the uncharitable Art to make the smale Mole-hills of our frailty appeare like Mountaines; and with their inveterate spleene, they Metamorphose our Pigmey faults into huge Giants: But let me be so bold (with leave) asE7v 86 as to aske them, if ever any women were such monsters as Nero, Heliogabalus, Caligula, Hamon, Julian, Caine, Iscariot, Ahab, Achitophel, Rabsheka, Nabuchadnezer, Hollophernes, Jeroboam, Pharaoh, Nimrod, Cham, Belshazer, ( or Baltazer) Goliah, Esau, Achan, Gehezie, Absolon, Mannasses, Siscera, Shimei, Amon, Nabal, Herod, Chaiphas, Annas, Pilate, Elimas, Domitian, Catiline Silla, Marius, Sardanapales, and thousands more such Commanders, inventers, maintainers, and defenders ofE8r87 of mischiefes, and all sorts of wickednesse & villanies; of which the Stories of their detestable lives, with their deserved deaths, doe make most horrible and loathed mentions: nor hath these Kingdomes of England and Scotland, bin alwaies cleare from the Tyranny of such, as the Chronicles will witnes of Mackbeth, and Richard the third: and I am sure that women were not the Complotters, or contrivers of the Powder Treason; nor ever did any woman devise Projects and Monopolies.

Thus any one that hath but common sence or reassonsonE8v88 son in him, may perceive He that rayles against women, doth forget that his mother was a woman. that those who so bitterly raile against women, doe forget that Women were their mothers, or that they had their Birth (or secondary Originall being from women:) I will not bee so lavishly or unmannerly invictive against men, but that amongst them there have bin (and are, and I an not out of hope there will alwayes bee) many of that noble Sexe, that doe scorne and despise those scurrilous sordid Libells, who are no better than the Divells Penposts: that have the Art to write by roateE9r89 roate, and rail at random, without regard of truth or equity: (for a just and wise man deemes nothing to be reasonable that hath not equity in it) whose sweet stinking Poeticall verses runs all manner of feete without measure, rime, or reason; and Satans cloven foot withall into the bargaine. I touch not any way upon good Poets, for to them Fortune is blind, and (in her blind bounty) shee returnes a small share for Minerva, and vicious greatnes, golden foppery, and silken Ignorance are most deadlylyE9v 90 ly enemies to the Muses: as eminent persons doe not awaies carry Scales about them to weigh the merits of deserving men; but I speake of our mungrill Rimsters, that with an affectate over-weening conceit of themselves, doe imagine that they can cough Logicke, speake Rhetoricke, neese Grammer, belch Poetry, pisse Geometry, groane Musicke, vomit Apothegmes, and squirt Oratory. These (and such as these) are the most furious and fierce Pendragonists, these are the pestifferous Jacksquiterers, thatE10r91 that if they could, would blow and blast the fame of None but Mungrill Rimers speake against Women. women: These can change the shapes of their inventions according as the times and purpose best befits their servile inclinations: for they have all got the Theory of well speaking, (when they please) but if ever they busie themselves with the practick of well doing, I will bee at the charge to pay for their hanging; for it is more easie to make a good nimble Foot-man of the running Goute, than it is to make one of these an honest man.

Al- E10v 92

Although some few, (and those few too many) women doe professe goodnesse in Hipocrisie, yet that is not a Generall disparagement to such as are truely vertuous in sincerity; for if I may bee so bold as to speake that which is Recorded in holy Writ, I shall prove presently out of the best Authors that ever liv’d, that women have beene, and are, and will be, must be, and shall be, either mens betters, or their equalls; (or at the least) not to be so much under-valued, as not to be abused, villified, and traduc’d by every idle & paltry Potcompanions.

As E11r 93

As for the first man, he was made of Earth, Clay; (yea of the very slime of the earth) also he was created in the open wide field (as all other the rest of earthly Creatures were:) and being made (I must confesse he was perfect, and full of perfection) yet doth his very Name demonstrate that hee was of a meane & pure substance; for the Word (or Name Adam) doth signifie Clay, or red earth: but when that earth and slime was purified, and made perfit (with being fully posses sed with a Reasonable Soule)E11v94 Soule) then man being in Paradice, ( a most pleasant and delectable place) there in that choycest and principall Garden of delight, (man being refined from his drosse) was woman Created: there was she named Eve, (or Hevah) wch is as much as to say Life;) because shee was the Mother of all men & women that should ever live, or have living: she was made out of the side of the man, (neere to his heart) because hee should heartily love her: and as all the rest of the Creatures were created before man, to show thatE12r95 that hee was not brought into a bare and naked world, (although himselfe was so) but it was Gloriously and Magnificently adorn’d & beautified with all things fitting for the the entertainement of so glorious an Image, (or Deputy to the Greatest) yet in that great state hee was alone, without any one to have a participation, or joyfull fellow simpatheticall feeling of his felicity. Then did it please the Great Creator, to Create the noble Creature (Woman) to bee his Helper, associate, and companion;nion;E12v96 nion; therefore I conclude, that as man was made of pollution, earth, & slime; and woman was formed out of that earth when it was first Refin’d: as man had his Originall in the rude wide field, and woman had her frame and composure in Paradise; so much is the womans Honour to bee regarded, and to be held in estimation amongst men.

Divers more examples I could produce. To these few I could add infinite, but I study to avoyd prolixity; onely I desire of you Sir Seldome Sober, and the rest of your most pitifull partisons, to beeF1r 97 bee resolved in this one The World cannot subsist without women. Question; How commeth the world to be thus peopled? and whence groweth this goodly Generation upon the earth, which from the first Creation hath continued to this present; and shall last to all Posterity: we are not like these swift Spanish Genets, which (some Write) engender onely by the wind? purperated without man: doe we the despised, sue to you the well disposed? or being obscured the Vessels, petition to you the Proditors of your fames & honours? when was it knowne in FanyF1v98 Women never seeke and petition to men for love. any Age, that our Sexe have groaned at your Gates, or sate waking whole cold winters nights at your windowes? when sonnetted to your Signiorships, or love Letter’d to your Lordships? when haunted you in your Houses? and way layed you in your walkes? These you have done, and daily and hourely doe to us; and if wee have bin either wayward in our words, or but counterfeited a coynesse in our countenances; your brave high spirits have bin ready to homage your selves, nay some have done itF2r 99 it really: as thinking to enter the strict way by a string: Nay many times when you are denyed the game, you have offered Fees; and by rape to hazard the Gallowes.

If the Husband-man Till, Plow, Sow, and Harrow his ground, &c. it is in hope of a harvest; or if hee labour and take paines, it is in hope of his hire: If the Merchant hazard his purse, and person by Sea, it is in the expectation of some great gaine and profit: and can you wise men, take toyle and travell; wake and watch, F2riseF2v 100 rise early, and goe to bed late; spend your time, wits, and money: vow and protest, sweare and forsweare; ingage your fortunes, and indanger your lives; and all these for wily, wanton, wayward, wicked women; by gaining whom, you can but loose your selves; and to purchase them, cannot be without your so great prejudice. Most sure if this cause shall come before a just Judge, and have the benefit of a considerate Censure; but we so much reproved and reviled, shall bee acquit by Proclamation,on,F3r 101 on, and you Sir Seldome Sober, with the rest of your rayling Society bee found sole guilty of Calumny, scandall, and most pilpable Contradiction: Your intimations and intents, your proposition and your purpose, your method & your meaning; having no coherence, or correspondence the one to the other.

Women able at all times to maintaine their undertakings when men are not able. And therefore we weak women, stand up against you mighty men; (for so you thinke your selves) when alas wee know by proofe, that when you brave Masculines are at F3anyF3v102 any time incountered by our Femenine Sexe, even in the first assault, you are as soone tam’d as talkt with; and can scarce really tell us you love us, but you are as ready to turne tayle and leave us: and yet are not ashamed to animate your selves in your owne assemblies; and would make the world to beleeve, that you the first Cowards are the sole Conquerours.

An Answer to the Prentises Lecture in the morning. But forsooth when you faile in your prowesse, you thinke to fit us in your Proverbes; (which you priviledge by their Antiquity) but indeede they areF4r 103 are so stale in their very Names, that they stinke in our noses: for example, When the Mistris calls up her Apprentice, shee saith if she be crost, shee will make him leape at a Crust; as if Citizens kept such penurious Houses, that they were ready upon the least occasions to starve their Servants: Nay, that she taking her Husbands Authority out of his hands, will beate her Boy the Rogue; and bast the Kitchin-maid who rules the Roast, till she make their bones rattle in their skinns: and when shee hath gotten her will, then F4RattleF4v 104 Rattle Baby Rattle.

An answer to the Lecture of the wife to her husband. Then in your Lecture of the Wife to her Husband, Is the house a wildCat to you? and why a Wild-Cat you tame foole? unlesse you study to set odds betwixt man and wife, and to make them agree in a house like Dogs and Cats together.

An answer to the Country Farmers wives Lecture. Then comes in the Country Farmers Wife, with her couple of Capons, when all her shee neighbours dare take their Oathes, that her Husband is a Cocke of the Game; yet shee must call him Francis Furmity-pot, BarnardnardF5r105 nard Bagg-pudding, or Bacon-face, William Woodcocke, Durty Dotterill, or Dunstable, Harry Horsehead, Simon Sup-broath, Ralph Rost a Crow, Tom Turd in thy teeth, and the like beastly and bastardly names, meerely of your owne durty devising: as knowing what belongs to your selves, when wee cannot finde in our hearts to foule our mouthes with any such filthy Language.

But sure Sir Seldome, (or never) Sober, your Father was some JakesFarmer, and your Mother F5aF5v 106 a Midwife, or hee some Rake-shame, or Ragggatherer; and shee the daughter of a Dung-hill, that their Sonne is forc’d to patch out his Poetry with such pitifull Proverbes: and cannot wee come upon you with the like? and in tasking of your rudenesse tell you, you should have talked under the Rose: to punish your too much prating, Their answer to him, and the proverbs confuted. tell you, Little said, soone amended. In terrifying you from the like troubling of your selfe, That there is a day to come, that shall pay for all; and to restraine youF6r 107 you within some regularity, A man may bring his Horse to the water, but hee cannot make him drinke. In not sparing of your Spouse-breach, There is False-hood in Fellow-ship. When wee shall bury one untoward Husband, and take another; Seldome comes the better. When you foole us with your flatteries, you play with us at Wily beguile you: And to conclude with that most learned Ballad, song about the streetes, and Composed by your fellow Poet M.P. O such a Rogue would be hang’d. This wee couldF6v108 could doe, nay this wee much care not to doe; unlesse you moderate your flying Muse, and mend your manners.

Nay wee could Anatomize How they would use him. you into Atomes, and dissect you into Demunitives, to make you lesse than nothing; but it it is the modesty of our Madam-ships, and the patience that our Sexe professes, to parley before we punish; and to hang up a flagge of Truce, before we offer to Tirannize: but if you take heart and hold out, and seeme not sorry at this our first Sommons, weeF7r 109 wee will not onely beate you, but batter you; bumbast and bafle you, Canvace and Cudgell you; Brave you and Bastinado you: but leave you to the terrible Trophies of our Victorious Triumph, and the remarkeable memory of your most miserable, and unpittied Massacre: Yet in all this we doe not menace the men, but their mindes; not their Persons, but their Penns; the horridnesse of their humours, and the madnesse of their Muses: which indeed towards us have beene insupportable, and intollerable:ble:F7v110 ble: Therefore be advised and let us heare either of your publicke acknowledgement, or at the least your private recantation; Their Cruell threatning of Sir Seldome Sober. either to us all in generall, or some in particular, &c. or we will make thy owne pen thy Ponyard; thy Inke thy banefull potion; thy Paper thy winding sheete; thy Standish thy Coffin; thy Sand-dust thy Gravedust, to bury thy shallow wit in, with thy face downe-ward; which if we doe not, let us for ever beare the burthen with our faces upwards.

Now concerning your veryF8r111 very passionate, but most pittifull Poetry, a question may be made, whether you be a Land Laureate, or a Marine Muse; A Land Poet, or a Water Poet; A Scholler, or a Sculler; Of Pernassus, or puddle Dock; Of Ionia, or Ivy Bridge: But howsoever, it is not in the compasse of our Reading, that Mnemosyne ever lived at Milford Lane, or Terpsichore at Trigg Stayers, where they say the Divell once tooke water.

Nay more than all this, a little further to magnifie our Sexe; are not the foure parts of the world, Asia, AfricaF8v112 Africa, Europe, and America Deciphered and described under the Persons of women, and their Gender? The nine Muses, obscured the Twelve Sibells, were they not all women? The Foure Cardinall Vertues, Justice, Fortitude, Prudence, Temperance, Women? The three Graces, the Hand-maids to Venus, women? The three Theologicall Vertues, Faith, Hope, and Charity, Women? nay Wisedom it In the praise of Women. selfe, is it not Sapientia, and figured in the forme of a Woman? Are not all the Arts, Sciences, and VertuesF9r113 Vertues, of what quality or condition soever, Portrayed in the persons of women: whether then I pray you Sir Seldome Sober were your wits wandering, or went a Woollgathering, when you beate your braines about this poore, and most pittifull Pamphlet? Have wee claim’d this to our selves? nay rather hath it not bin meritoriously conferr’d uponn us by you men? had you thought your selves worthy of these noble and brave Attributes, you would have sequestred them from our Sexe, and Celebra-F9v114 Celebrated them to your selves: but those who thought themselves more Wiser than you have shewed your selfe, (in this witty) of these Honours to support and maintaine which they thought themselves too weake: have both by their words and writings thought us worthy.

Now whether is the greater approbation for any Cause in question, or for any person convented to be acquitted, by one single man, or by a whole Senate: by a private censorious and supercilious Synicke,nicke,F10r115 nicke, then by a full, free, and generall assembly.

Wee Women claime a priviledge Besides, wee claime a further priviledge, that is to be tryed by our Peeres, and grant us but that, and then besides Keisars and Kings, Princes and Potentates, Soveraignes & Subjects, Court, City, Campe and Country; wee have the Graces & the Goddesses, the Nimphs and the Meriades; the Virgins, the Vestalls, the Wives, the Widowes, the Country wench, the Countesse, the Laundresse, the Lady, the Maid-marrion, the Matron, even from the ShepherdesseherdesseF10v116 herdesse to the Scepter; all ready to give up their voyces of our sides, that his Crabb-tree Cudgell Oyle, and his Juniper sauce Lecture is false, foolish, sottish, superfluous Railing, rediculous, absurd, nay more abhominable.

Finally no Sentence of Condemnatiō ought to passe upon any, before a faire Verdit be given up by twelve honest men.

All Sentences, and Condemnations goe by a Jury of twelve, and they too obscured ought not onely to be of understanding, but good men and true; and shall the generallity of our Sexe be convented, and convicted by one poore ignorant silly Sot? Then we may say (; not to our small griefe) thatF11r117 that the woman cald Astræa, otherwise cald Justa, hath flowne up to Heaven, and left no Justice abiding upon the Earth: had she bin still our Judgesse, shee would (no doubt) have Censured; that as men have here to fore had the liberty to take many Wives; so women might have now the priviledge every one to take two Husbands at least: till they could find any one woman, who could meete with two men of the same mind with this Gregory, who would make himselfe a Grand Jury man. But Read the wise Womans Juniper, and she willF11v118 will jerke him for this.

Greeke Poets that if they were living would defend the womans Vertues.

But were there now surviving to vindicate our vertues, any of the Ancient Greeke Poetresses, A Ni costrate or Caripena; A Musæa, or a Meroe; A Sosipatra, or a Clitagora; An Aspatia Milesia, or Praxilla Sycomia; A Myro Bizantia, or Cozinna Thebana. Or amongst the Ro mans; an Hortensia, or Hyparchia; A Claudia, or a Cornelia; Apollo Argentaria, or Probavaleria; A Vittoria Collumna, or Marcella Romana, &c. If (I say) any of these were now surviving, what a pittifulltifullF12r119 tifull thing would they make of this patulant Poet: and with one of their invective Iambicks, to despaire and hang himselfe: and in the stead of a Juniper, reade unto him a Gibbot Lecture.

How have you stuft your Store-house, with a Catalogue of common prostitutes and Curtizans; which made me thinke when I first saw your Booke, it had beene the Register of Bride-well: and I pray you who vitiated them, but you obscuredthat would seeme the vertuous? or who corrupted them, but you the male Crocadiles? was there everF12v120 Gill without her Jack, or flirts without her Framion. As Parents loosed the names of Father and Mother when their Issue failes them, and Children are no more Sonnes and Daughters when they have no Parents to protect them: so it is not possible, that the world could yeeld any one Branded with the In the defence of us women. Name of a whore, but there must be Whooremaster to make her so. Moreover, there was never Strumpet but had her Pimpe to usher her; nor any Madam Mackarell without a Pander to man her.

You G1r 121

You tell us a great many stories and to small purpose, of Hellen an Harlot, who had no doubt lived in honest life with Menelaus her Husband, had there not bin a bold-fac’d Paris to betray her. Of a Lais, a Famous Curtezan in Corinth, who valued every nights lodging at a thousand Drachmaes: and why did she set so high a price upon her prostitution? but the better to conserve her Chastity, and fright away libidenous fooles from hunting her Habitation: and so of the rest, by which any indifferent ReaderGderG1v122 der may perceive, that all things make with us, which you maliciously have suggested against us.

I will not meddle with your pittifull Poetry, and rime Dottrell, borrowed out of Ballads: and yet why should I say borrowed, when I can Answer them in this one Distick:

The women make rime of the Author.

Though borrowing now be into fashion growne,

Yet I dare swear, what thou writst was thy own.

For indeed I know none who else will Challenge them.

In G2r 123

In your Lecture of an An answer to the Lectur ee of the rich Widow. old rich Widow to a yong Gallant, where you thinke to taske her of her wit, what doe you else but approve her wisedome? who will not suffer her modest Gravity to bee fool’d by his youthfull Prodigality: and so what you strive to condemne as a vice, in effect you crowne for a vertue.

An answer to the Lecture of of a Country Farmers wife. You make your Country Farmers wife, to call wise-achers her Husband Wittall, Mopus and Moonecalfe, Hobbinot, and Hobnailes, Lurden and Looby; Francis Fill-gut and Fur G2mety-G2v 124 mety-pot, Booby & Blockhead, Dunce and Dotard Bull-beise, Barley pudding, Sim Slabber-chops and the like; and like enough he may be all these, ; she in this gives but the Divell his due, and the Clownish Coridon his owne true Character: And what dispargement can this bee to us? or what great honour to you of the Male Sexe, that amongst men there can bee found such a monster?

An answer to the Lecture of the jealous old Women. Can you blame the jealous woman for having such care over her Husbands health, purse, and Person?G3r125 Person? for what is jealousie but a too much indulgence, and over Love? and I feare ten at this time of twenty, are not much troubled with it.

The women they approve of the Lecture of a kind woman to her Husband. Your Lecture of your kind loving wife to her Husband we allow, & none so shamelesse in their slanders, but sometimes or other are constrained to tell truth and shame the Divell; and if you had onely followed the same Theame, you might have escapt from being thus threatned: but many who have striv’d to make, have mard; & in shunning Scyl G3laG3v126 la, have falne into Charybdis: and this our impudent Poet, hath imitated such ignorant Pylots: where if he had had the skill to steare his Vessell in the milde Channell, hee might have arrived at an happy Harbour, and so escaped that shame and ship-wracke, which his sillinesse hath made him to suffer. Had Icarus in his Flight kept an equall distance, betwixt the Sea and the Sunne, the one had not melted his Waxe, nor the other moistned his Wings: nor hee beene made a wretched Prey toG4r 127 to the Waters.

An Answer to the Lecture of the young Widow to an old Widower. In your Widowes Lecture to your Widower, what tearmes doth shee use, but of your teaching; and what durty language but of your owne devising: I thought you would have told us a tale, wherein you might have made them equal sharers, in their owne simplicity: which was to this effect.

A Widower and his widow sitting at Supper with a good joynt of meat together, and falling into some crosse words, (before they had tasted a bit of it; and having both good stomacks:)G4macks:)G4v 128 macks:) A poore man came to the doore to begg an Almes for Gods sake: The man not knowing which way more to vexe his wife cald to his Servant, and cutting the meat in the middle, laid one halfe upon his Trencher, and said; here take this and carry it to the poore man, and bid him pray for the soule of my former Wife; which seeing shee said nothing: but when the Servant was returned, she tooke the other halfe that was in the Dish, and gave it unto him saying; and I pray thee carry thisto G5r129 to the poore man, and desire him to pray for the soule of my first Husband: by which meanes both themselves and their Servants, were forced to goe to bed supperlesse: Now here the blame nor burden could be great, because it was borne upon equall shoulders: but you (as in all the rest) make the woman onely to Raile, and the men like so many silly Sots, to make no reply at all; as if wee were all mad, they milke-sops and mecockes, wee froward, they foolish; we either sheepish or shrowish, and they G5onelyG5v 130 onely simple and sottish; which how false it is, and farre from any probability of truth, common experience can testifie: for whosoever shall observe his stile and method shall finde, that what hee so much boasts off hee hath borrowed from the basest of our Sexe; as being in all his Tinkerly tearmes more foule-tongu’d than a Fishwife, and more open mouth’d than any Oysterwench.

A word or two more concerning the vertue and Chastity of Women, there was never any man could generallyG6r131 generally compare with No man whatsoever is Generally to be compared to women for Vertue. Women; to speake of the best and most blest (the one and onely Virgin Mother, she that was at one time Maid, Mother, Wife Child, & Sister to her Son; she that most happily was elected) from all Eternity to be the blessed bringer forth of a Saviour, for all repenting and true beleeving sinners, she was so fully fill’d and replenish’d with grace, that shee is justly stiled blessed amongst women: and for a further proclaiming of her happinesse, All Generations shall call her Blessed: Shee was the WorldsG6v132 Worlds onely wonder, and most rare and soveraigne mirrour of Chastity. Many thousands more are mentioned for that onely famous vertue of Continency, in Divine and prophane Histories, whose honourable, and Venerable memories shall our-live time, and flourish in Glorious Eternity. Resides, as there have bin and are innumerable of our noble Sexe, that have liv’d and dyed Virgins; so likewise millions of them who have bin married, and after marriage became Widowes, they have bin so inclined to the love of chastity, that theyG7r133 they would never bee wonne to accept of a second marriage: and for an inimitable example of a worthy Matron, it is Recorded, that Anna the Prophetesse was but seven yeares a married wife, but that after her Husband was dead, she lived a Widow fourescore and foure yeares: and example above any you men can shew.

Women for the Love of Posterity doe marry you men, and for no other end.

Moreover women were so chast, that though they did marry and were married, it was more for propagation of Children, than for any carnall delight or pleasure they had to accompany with men; they were content to be joynednedG7V 134 ned in Matrimony with a greater desire of Children than of Husbands, they had more joy in being Mothers than in being Wives; for in the old Law, it was a curse upon Women to be Barren: and surely if there had beene any lawfull way for them to have had Children without Husbands, there hath beene, and are, and will bee a numberlesse number of Women that would or will never be troubled with wedlocke, nor the knowledge of man. Thus good and modest Women have bin content to have none, or one man (at the most) all their whole lifetime,time,G8r135 time, but men have bin so addicted to incontinency, that no bounds of Law or reason could restraine them: for if we reade the Story of the Kings of Juda, there we may finde the wisest that ever raign’d, (Solomon) had no fewer than three hundred Wives, and seven hundred Concubines; and that his Sonne Rehoboam had eighteene Wives and sixety Concubines, by whom hee begat twenty-eight Sonnes, and threescore Daughters. There have bin some good women, that when they could have no Children, they have bin contentedtentedG8v 136 tented that their Husbands should make use of their Maid-servants; as Sara and Rachell, and Leah did; but I never heard or read of any man that (though hee were old, diseased, decripit, gowty, or many and every way defective, and past ability to be the Father of any Child) that hath bin so loving to his wife, as to suffer her to made a Teeming Mother by another man. There was once a Law in Sparta, amongst the Lacedemonians, that if the husband were deficient for propagating or begetting of Children, that then it was lawfull for the wifeG9r137 wife to entertaine a friend or a Neighbour; but the women were so given to chastity, that they seldome or never did put the said Law in practise, and I am perswaded that that Decree is quite abolish’d, and out of use and force all the World over.

The constant courage, and fixed Pious and worthy resolutions of those women that are mentioned in the seventh of the second Booke of the Macabees, is Transcendent and suparlative above all men that ever were either spoken of or Recorded in History:G9v138 to which place I referre the Reader for larger Relations.

Holy Writ doth nominate 5. famous women of the name of Mary; first the Blessed Virgin. Secondly, Mary the mother of James the lesse; and Joseph and Salome, and the wife of Cleophas & the Virgin Maries owne Sister. Thirdly, the Mother of John, and James the Sonnes of Zebedoe. Fourthly, the Mother of John, Marke: and Mary Magdalen, who was the Sister of Lazarus; these were all women, who were hardly to be equall’d in goodnes andG10r139 and vertue by men: they were the loving Handmaides of the highest. And it would bee tedious and needlesse to name those worthy women in this poore Pamphlet, who are already Recorded in the never ending Booke of immortallity. Susannaes chastity, Lidias dilligent piety, the bounty and charity of Dorcas, and the painefulnesse of Pheabe: all these and many more are remembred in everlasting blessed Volumnes.

Thus have I truely and impartially proved, that for Chastity, Charity, Con-G10v140 Constancy, Magnanimity, Vallour, Wisedome, Piety, or any Grace or Vertue whatsoever. Women have alwayes bin more than equall with men; and that for Luxury, Sarquedrin obscenity, prophanity, Ebriety, Impiety, and all that may be called bad wee doe come farre short of them. Now we thinke it meete onely to tell them a little of one fault, which we are sure they doe know already; and that our Repetition of it will bee no meanes to Reforme it: yet to shew the World that Women have great cause toG11r 141 to finde fault, and bee discontented with their odious generall vice of Drunkennes. We will relate unto you the dellicate dainty Foppish, and rediculous conceites of Sir Seldome Sober, with the most foolish, idle, and sottish trickes and feates of his idle and Adle-pated followers.

Severall G11v 142

Severall Questions propounded to Sir Seldome Sober, by the Women, viz.

Questions asked and put to Sir Seldome Sober by the Women.

First, were Women ever since the Creation of the World, such notorious and Capitall offenders as you men have been from time to time; not onely in particular to your Wives and Family; but I meane in publike against yourG12r143 your Prince and Country, being found Traitors, as our Chronicles can witnesse.

Secondly, were there ever any woman put in the Stocks, or set in the Pillory, or had ever any hand in Coyning, or Clipping, or Defacing their Princes Money.

Thirdly, doe women do as you men doe, who lye abed on purpose to invent mischiefe, and plot how to get other mens estates into your hands by your slye dissembling: and then eitherG12v144 either break and runne away; or at the least compound for tenne Groates in the pound; and then set up againe, and doe as much more within seven yeares after.

Fourthly, doe Women become common Baile in Actions, for the value of twelve pence, as you men doe: Or bee Knights of the Post, to sweare and forsweare in many Cases, for a small summe of mony: and in hyring Satten Doublets and Breeches in Long Lane, and come in a Ruffe to beare false witnes against their neighFiftly,bourH1r145 Fiftly, did you heare that ever any women ran away from their Captaines Colours: but whatsoever they did undertake, they went through stich with it, and not flye like Cowards, or fight in private Armour, or Coates of Male, as you men have done? but women you have heard of, who have been forced to lye and fight it out, and endure the brunt, when you men were not able to stand to it.

Sixtly, doe Women as you men doe, for HtheH1v146 the value of a dinner or Supper, become bound in a summe of Mony for other men, to undoe their Wives and Children, and runne away into the Low Countries to be a Souldier, and there kill men for three shillings a weeke.

Seventhly, when did you heare, or ever know Women, that make eight dayes in the Weeke to deceive poore men of their pay as you men doe?

Eighthly, when did you ever read or heare of any women that turned Projectors,jectorsH2r147 jectors, striving to undoe Kingdomes, onely to enrich themselves by their severall Monopolies and Patents: Patents did I say? indeed Patents, in my conceite, should belong most properly to us women, who know how to use them: for your mens Patents and Monopolies are hurtfull to all, ours to none, but they are for a generall good, and to preserve our Healths, yours to ruine and begger Men, Women and Children.

Ninthly, how many women have you knowne or H2seeneH2v 148 seene, that have beene brought home drunken in a Porters Basket, or led home betweene two Vintners Boyes, or that ever dranke out their eyes, and left their wits behinde them on a Taverne Bench; or came home with their Legges or Armes broken by their excessive Drinking, and ingurgitating of too much Wine.

Tenth, I pray you Sir Seldome Sober, tell us how many Women that ever you heard of, that ranne and hid themselves in a Cupboard,H3r149 Cupboard when there came out a Presse for souldiers; or lockt themselves up in some private place for feare of the Presse: when we women stand it out, and never feare, or once be afraid: let there come a Presse out night by night, or day by day, wee women will never ruunne, or shrinke our heads for it.

Eleventh, how many women did you ever heare of, that kept Horses to gallop after Mutton; I meane laced Mutton: and then returne againe neitherH3therH3v 150 ther with good Horse, or sound Reines; but creeping and halting, as if you had been shot in some hot service of Warre?

Twelfth, how many Women did you ever hear of, that doe drinke so much, that they doe quarrell and fight, and teare one anothers Bands and Cloathes; and then bee carried before a Justice, or else end the businesse by Arbitration, to their losse both of mony and time: or not so ended, doe challenge the field, and there sheath their swords in oneH4r 151 one anothers breast? All these are causes enough to make a woman speake, whose Husband is thus in fault: and wee ought to speake, for wee have nothing to offend (and defend our selves) but our tongues: nay more, as you men have but five Sences, I will prove that women have sixe, and that is our Tongues; and therfore wee may speake and pleade for our selves with our tongues, and defend our selves by our tongues; and therefore Sir Seldome Sober hold you your Tongue hereafter; for H4youH4v152 you know sixe to five is odds at foot-ball; and you shall be sure to finde it so, if ever you doe come into our quarters: but wee hope Time will jerke your blinde Cheekes for this, or else you will get such a blow with a French Coulstaffe, that you will end your Dayes in an Hospitall. O that wee had you amongst us but two hours, or something which wee could wish between a cleft sticke, we would serve you but as the Bakers Wife did the Divell, make you somewhat the lighter, the better, and the more nimbleH5r153 nimble for your next Summers Travaile, and cause that Copper-Nose which hath so many Colours as the Raine-bow, to appeare of another hew: but wishes are in vaine; and time and opportunity will bring things together which were never dreamt of; so wee leave you Sir Seldome, or never Sober; onely we will give you the Character of a Drunkard, and Drunkennesse, and so conclude with a few Tales to the same purpose.

H5 Some H5v 154

Some say, that the Science of Drinking Carrowses, and Drunken Healths was brought into England by the Danes when they conquered this Kingdome: but from whomsoever you learned the Mystery, it makes no great matter: It is apparently knowne, that neither Dane, or Dutch-man, True-man, or Welsh-man, can goe beyond you herein: for by your daily Documents (most Noble Sir Sel-H6r155 Seldome Sober) men are so perfect, that they are able to teach their Teachers, to master their Masters, & to lay all Nations in the Durt that dares oppose them: For the which Cunning, they are all bound to you; and to manifest their thankfulnesse, every day almost three quarters of the Masculine Sexe doe declare and shew themselves to bee Sir Seldome Sobers Men. For his Followers, they are the onely Chimmists, and Hyperbolicall Artists below the Moone-shine, and they are of all Callings, Functions, Arts,H6v 156 Arts, Trades, and Occupations: they are likewise of all degrees; from the Monarch to the Miser; from the Lord to the Lowne, and of either Masculine, or Feminine Sexe or Gender. The force of Wine, or much Drinking did often make Phillip King of Macedon to rage against his Foes, and it caused his Sonne (Alexander the Great) to kill his friends: most of them are such Friends to Oblivion, that they will Drinke, Smoake, and Pipe away Time. Some are such Miraculous, strange wonder-workers, thatH7r157 that they can turne Night into Day, and Day into Night. It hath made many a Souldier Metamorphose the mettle of his Murrion and his Morglay into the Elixer or spirit of the Buttery, and Clinking of Wine-pots, to renounce Armes and Blood-shead, except the Clarret blood of Bacchus. It makes thousands of Merchant Adventurers every day and night to the Toride Zone of Canarie: It is the Poets Nepenthe, Aganippa, his Nectar, Tempe, Helicon, and Castelian fountaine; and when hisH7v 158 his Muse flags, it inspires her with such straines and raptures, that she Mounts and Soareth higher, than Jupiters Eagle, or the Spheare of Saturne. It causeth the Grammarian to speake beyond his Rules. It fills the Logicianer with Syllogismes, and Sophistry. It makes the Mathematician so skilfull, that hee knowes Charles his Waine from a Sedan, and the Antarticke Pole from a Constables Staffe. By the Inspiration of Drinke, the most simple Arithmatician will accompt past numbring,bringH8r159 bring, and number beyond all accompt. It causes the Astronomer to play the Aleconers part, annd search all the twelve Signes of the Zodiacke, to know what weight and measure they allow. It attires the Rhetoricians speech with such Eloquent tearmes of Fustian phrases, that it is beyond the Speakers understanding, and all mens else that are troubled to heare him. Drunkennesse is the most frequent and universall Trading in the World: it makes (almost) every Man a Merchant or Chapman: for if you markeH8v160 marke it, there is of all Trades and functions that doe every day goe abroad from house to House, for no other purpose but to buy Drinke. It is Musick of it selfe, and it is composed, and consists of Frets, Stops, Clefts, Moods, Flats, Sharpes, Spaces, and most strange Notes, Tones, and Tunes, Phrygian, Lidian, Dorian, nine poynts above Ela, and two pots below Gamoth: For upon the Ale-bench, they are all compacted of Quavers, Semiquavers, Sembriefes, Minnums, and Crotchets: One squeaks shrill, like an, OwleH9r161 Owle, another Brayes the Descant, like an Asse, a third bellowes the Tenor, The womens examples and similies of drunkennesse in modest phrase. like a Bull, a fourth Barks the Counterpoint, like a Hound, a fift howles the Treble, like a Wolfe, and a sixt grunts the Base, like an Oxe: that what with the ravishing sound of Sackebuts, Canary Pipes, Tobacco Pipes, Flouts, (or Fluits) Shames, Bad-pipes, weights, Hoboyes, Clinking and Knocking of Pots, Stamping, Dancing, and Singing to confused Noyses; there is daily such sweete and Contagious HarmonymonyH9v162 mony amongst them, that a man cannot any way compare the deliciousnes of it to any thing more significantly, than to most Eare-bewitching Caterwauling; or their rending and tearing of tunes, are as delightfull to the hearing, as the fat end of a Pudding. And truely, you men are so experimented in the Trade of Bibbing, (or Arti Bebendi) that the Spungy Dutch are the most sober Catoes, in respect of you, Apuleius Asse a grand Sophy, and the Wise men of Gotham would seeme amongst us toH10r 163 to be the seven Sages of Greece. Drinke is the Idoll which you men adore, and every day you doe fall downe to it: It is the Catalogue of all Faculties: It is the rare Esculapian medicinable Antimonian Cup, for it cures all: It is (as it were) the Mid-wife of Justice, for it brings forth all, and ofttimes it restores both Principall and interest in a flood or inundation of Expression; It makes a Man cast learnedly, like Homer: It multiplyes the eye-sight, which is the cause, that some Beere is calledH10v164 called double Beere, by reason it enlargeth the capacity, and makes a man see every thing double; As one writ very sententiously.

The Scribe, or the Clerke,

Whose sights are dark,

And the print of the Letters doth seeme too small,

Will conne every Letter,

And read much the better,

If they glaze but their eyes with a pot of good Ale.

Amongst you men it is the sweetest Life to bee Dead Drunke, and a well- seasoned Drunkard, is an unmea-H11r165 unmeasurable merry companion, that holds the great Barrel at Heidlenbergh to bee but a Bottle: nor doth he hold it lawfull to looke wisely, goe steadily, stand firmely, or speake sence. Nor will he dishonour the Calling with sleeping above once a Weeke, or a Fortnight. Many of them are obscured so wary, and jealous of their Reputations, that they will pay no Reckonings, because they hold it a disparagement to their Credits not to bee credited. Some are abhominably furnished with; Oathes, and Protestations ofH11v 166 of all sorts and sizes, and for any speciall occasion, or company: As small mincing Oathes for the City, Couragious Oathes for the Court, Hob-naild Oathes for the Country, Cudgell Oathes to breake a Creditors Pate, Rapier Oaths to runne a Serjeant, or a Bayliffe through, and Backe-sword Oathes to crosse an Ale-house score. And as an Ape will imitate a man, so a Drunken man will imitate a Beast. Moreover, you shall have seventeene, or eighteene in one Roome, at one and the same time, all in most diffe-H12r167 different and various Actions and Postures; one will whoop and hollow, another sings, a third dances, a fourth weepes, a fift sleepes, a sixt leapes over Stooles and Tables, and shewes feates, a seventh Knocks, Stamps, and throwes pots downe the staires; calls the Drawers Rogues, the Man of the House Cuckold, and his Wife whore, breakes Glasses, and Glasse-windowes: another pulls out his sword, and to make valiant proofe how well hee can use it, he cuts, hewes, and slashes posts, doores, boards,H12v168 boards, and stakes, the poore prodigalls picture in the painted Cloath; and in that veine hee is so Couragious, as to brandish his Blade against Hector singly, or (for a need) you may turne him loose to combate with all the Nine Worthies. We saw once one that was so Pot-valient, that in revenge, hee with his sword thrust poore Judith into the belly, because shee kil’d Holophernes when hee was drunke: Some boast their Descent and Antiquity of their Housres, and Gentry of their Predecessors: SomeI1r169 Some brag of their wealth which, perhaps, their accursed and miserable fathers did purchase either by buying and selling Justice, or by Briberie, Extortion, or some other execrable way over the Devils Backe, and therefore their sonnes and heires do take a mad or a drunken course to spend it under his Dams Belly with Rorering and Whoring. Some in their drink do make no bones to speake Treason, and indeed they make nothing to prattle and scribble Scandala Magnatum: Some will utter all the secretsIcretsI1v170 crets they know (and more too) and by those meanes they have undone themselves, their Wives, Families, Friends, and Neighbours; Some have foolishly (when the drink was in, and the wit out) lent away all their monie, or prodigally paid all the Reckoning, or runne into bonds for others, or been tempted and wonne to take up fine commodities (at cheating deer rates) as Gingerbread, Rattles, Mousetraps, Tormentours for Fleas, Tennis Balls, and Mundunga Tobacco. Some have sold their goods and landsI2r171 lands (in their Ale) and they have been Beggers ever after being sober. To adde to this, many of Sir Seldome Sobers men have beene so cunning as to transforme monie, goods, lands, health, reputation, and libertie, all into drink, and with a few words of their mouthes,(like a Charme) they have turn’d their good friends into the most deadly and inveterate Enemies; Some are much inclin’d to steale when they are drunke, and because they love to be in action or practice, they wil picke their owne pockets I2ra-I2v172 rather than want worke. And some of them are such enemies to sloth that they will sleepe upon an Ale-house or Taverne- bench to avoid idlenesse.

Thus every day all sorts of people and Nations are drunke in severall formes and postures, as in one place one may finde or meete a Dutchman bloated like a stinking Herring: in another place a Welchman stew’d as mellow as a Pruine: in a third place a Scotchman mull’d with drinke and smoake: in a fourth an Irishman pickl’d in Usquebagh, and lastly, an Eng-I3r173 Englishman shall be all this and more to, for he will be drench’d, stew’d, mull’d, pickled, sowz’d, and bloated; there is no learned Pot-leech or Renowned Malt-worme, that is worthy to hold the candle to an English Drunkard, for by the inspiration of his Tap-lash, and the infusion of the spirit of the spiggot, hee is Geometrically skild to turn a Quadrangle into a Circle, and to drink round at a square Table. The first Health is call’d a Whiffe, the second a Slash, the third a Hunch, the fourth Thrust, the fift is call’d I3Pot-I3v174 Pot-shaken, the sixth is seeing the Lions, the seventh, he is Scratch’d, the eighth, his Nose is dirty, the ninth, hee hath whipt the Catt, the tenth, he is fox’d, the eleventh, hee is Bewitch’d, the twelfth, hee is Blinde, and the thirteenth and last, hee is drunke.

Drink is of that quicknesse in operation, and of such celeritie to inspire the Braine of man, that I did once know a Gentleman that rode to the Universitie of Oxford, who entred the City about two of the clock afternoone, and at his comming thither, hee couldI4r175 could not speak any Greek or Latine at all, but by the Enthusiasme of Drinke, and drinking roundly and squarely, and with briefe and diligent potting and cupping, hee profited so well, that in lesse then four houres hee had forgot all his English, and could neither speake or understand any word of his Mother tongue. One boasted what a Traveller hee had beene, and how hee had beene rob’d and cheated in every Country where hee came: As he had the luck to lose his Manners in Barbary, the Wild Irish and Red-shanks, I4stoleI4v176 stole his Civilitie, the Welshman gull’d him of his truth. In Hungaria he was bereav’d of his Abstinence and Sobrietie, in Sclavonia hee lost his Gentility, in Spaine his Honestie suffered Shipwrack, and in Amsterdam hee stumbled, and (with the fall) lost his Religion, or shatter’d it into Heresies, Sects, & Schismes; and all these losses and detriments hapned to him in his drinke, or drunken madnes. He brags further, that he hath been at Terra Incognita, where some Ladies doe say their prayers; and many Courtiers doI5r177 doe keepe their words, where the Usurers do lend and take no interest, and prodigall Gallants erect Almshouses, where Scriveners and publicke Notaries do weare long eares, and Townesmen have very short fore-heads; all these Rarities hee saw in a drunken Dreame. Besides, hee said, that hee was in England, and there he saw wonders, as King Henry the 8 Cod-pisse, Charles Brandons Launce, Ancient Pistol’s Sword, Smugge the Smiths Cap, Sir John Falstaffs Pistoll, sar Vandunks Bottle, Queen GuinniversI5 nivers I5v 178 nivers Masque, Penelopes Fan, Lucretiaes Busk, Cleopatraes Fall, and the Musse of Semiramis: and all these ; thousands more Whimseys, Carwhitthets, Conondrums, and Ænigmaticall tricks and toyes are daily done by Drunkards.

And can any woman (that hath reason) or any man that hath sence blame us poore weak Feminines, to bee grieved at these enormities; I, with the best of all my sexe doe appeale to all whomsoever have but indifferent capacitie and judgement, bee they of what degree soever, eitherI6r179 either male or female.

But yet I remember a few mischeifs more which drunkennes hath and doth daily overwhelme us with all; sometimes they quarrell, and not onely quarrell but kill on another in their drunken roring vaine, and oftentimes for very wicked causes, these Taverne frayes or brawls have hapned, as sometimes because the one had not his Cup fill’d as full as the other, sometimes for not drinking all out (which is tearm’d, winding up your bottome) footing off your Bowle, sup up your Cider) orI6v180 or some other such like learned phrase, and the casting away of a small snuffe hath often bred a quarrell, or the not pledging a Health, which was begun to some unworthy person: perhaps, some oppressing inhospitable Great Man, or to a Begging-making Project-monger (whom a Commonwealth is bound to pray for over the left shoulder) or the Health may bee perhaps to some musty Madam, or Muskie Gentlewoman, or to a cō mon prostituted Whore, and such vile occasions as these many men have stab’dI7r181 stab’d and slaine one another. There hath been two kill’d in the same unkinde kinde, within these few yeeres, with onely being stab’d into the eyes with Tobacco pipes.

And likewise, or more properly) in the like foolish way, they have thrown pots down the staires, and a Drawer, or some other person (at the same time) hath bin comming up the said staires, who hath met the said pot (being violently cast) with their faces or heads, and beene kill’d out right: Thus have they by these mad-brained coursessesI7v182 ses too oftentimes made hazard of souls, by dispossessing them from mens bodies so suddenly and unprepared, also they have runne their necks into the nooze of the Law, by making untimely worke for the Hangman. And lastly, (too many of them) have made forfeite of their estates, goods and Lands, leaving their wives beggerd, and their children nothing but a scandal, that their father died an ignominious death for killing of a man when hee was drunk.

But though this be bad which18r183 which I have related, yet there is worse then this behinde, for as wee are commanded to do no murder, (which is not to murder, others) Then surely they are most inhumane and uncharitable, who doe murder themselves; which bloudie and barbarous fact is not to bee excused in such as doe wilfully drinke themselves to death, as Master John Stowe, in the 385 page of his Folio Chronicle, or Annals, doth recite a lamentable and remarkable accident, of 180 persons that died in their Drunkennesse in lesse then threeI8v184 three daies space, and in the 753 page of the said Booke, hee relates the like that happened to our Englishmen at the siege of the Groyne in Gallizia, where many hundreds lost their lives with drinking. And if you but consider & take notice of our Weekly Bils for the Sicknesse, you shall finde that everie Weeke some doe end their daies onely having kill’d themselves with Surfets, of which all men doe know that drunkennesse is the chiefe occasion. And in the Generall Bill for the yeere 16361636, it is set downe, that with-I9r185 within London and the Liberties thereof, there died no fewer than 371 persons all of surfeiting, and also 24 starved with famine in the fields & streets, whom halfe the superfluous expences of those that kill’d themselves with surfeiting might have relieved. There are three words or names of severall things, which doe begin with the letter H. All which are good (if well used, but as they are too much abused, they have beene the overthrow and ruine of many; they are Horses, Hawkes, and Howndes; some Horses haveI9v186 have prooved like Sinons jade to the Trojans, their hungry entrailes have devoured and destroied their Masters Illion, and scarcely left them a Cottage to hide their heads in, some have found their Hawkes like the Vulture to Prometheus, after they have muted away their substance, they have prey’d and tir’d upon their verie Hearts. And some their have been so addicted to Hownds, that in the end their Dogs have devoured them like so many Acteons. Now likewise there are three other things, whose names doI10r187 do beginne with the letter D, of which (two of them never were, are or will bee commodious for man, and the third (which is most usefull and necessary) is by the abuse of it) the onely bane of misgovern’d mankinde; They are Drabbes, Dice, and Drinke: I will not say but Drabbes may prefer the Prodigall from the Palace to the Pig-stie, where hee (being leaden with want, misery, and diseases) may bee brought to learne and feele the vertue of repentance. Secondly, the Dicer may (by his often slurring the bones of theI10v188 the dead) be brought to have a feeling acknowledgment of his own living and most wretched condition: But the Drunkard is implacably obstinate to bee so, he is, (as it were) riveted to drinke, he is inexorably rooted in his vice, and so unmoveable in his affection to be drunke, that though there be remedies for all other sins, yet there is nothing but death it self that can turn an old Drunkard into a sober course.

Besides the most impudent and frequent offenders, that are addicted to any other vice, be it what itI11r189 it will be, they have some shew of modesty, or desire of privatenesse in the acting or committing of any of their ingrafted or innated enormitie. The theife will warily watch that hee may not be seen when hee steales. The Whoremaster will be close, the Bawd will be secret, and though the Whore bee common, yet shee trades privately. Hee that takes bribes will receive them secretly, though the Projector doe ayme at every mans goods, yet hee covers his intentions, that it is for all mens good:I11v190 good, though the cause went against the Client, yet the Lawyer and his fee told him other ways at the first, and though the Devill do day and night (with all diligence) seek our confusion, yet hee can sweetly allure us with cover’d slights & poysoned baits, that hee hides his uglinesse under the shape of an Angell of Light. But the Drunkard is more impudent and shamelesse then either Whoremaster, Whore, Bawd, Thiefe, wicked Projector, corrupted Lawyer, or the Devill himselfe. For although allI12r191 all these before named, are as bad, as wickednesse can make them, yet I did never reade or heare of any of them that at any time were so foolishly past shame, as to boast or glory in any of their villanies, as many Drunkards will; I have heard some to brag, how many they have out-drank and drank drunk in a day, as he payd one, he pepperd another, he sawced a third, hee anointed a fourth, hee scowred a fift, hee dranke 27 Glasses or Cups, and wonne the Rumpe of a Goose, and bravely made all his Company as fox’d asI12v192 as fooles, and as beastly as Swine, and all the while this mighty and precious piece of service was doing, hee plyde it hard, and in conclusion, hee was not much worse when hee ended, then he was when hee began. And indeed, it is to be believed, that as one days worke cannot make him much the worse, so it is to be doubted, that many dayes and nights, with the friendliest counsels, the godliest admonitions, the sharpest reprehensions, the severest excommunications, the dreadfullest execrations; all these can nei-K1r193 neither mend or move him; but that he hath not onely resolved to be wicked, but also to continue so, and to boast and glory in it. But to boast of sinne is a degree beyond sinne. To lay these abhominable enormities aside, if wee should consider the good a drunkard doth, you will acknowledge him to be a most necessary evill: and (not to bereave him of his due) though hee be never well imployed, yet he he is never idle; and besides he sets may people a worke, that would otherwise be idle (or not have KmuchK1v194 much to doe:) As for example; He puts the Constable into businesse, hee keepes the Watch waking; he visits the Justice; he fees the Clerke; hee is profitable to the Chandler, Tobacco-Pipe maker, and potent Patentee; hee keepes the Drawer in perpetuall motion; he is beneficiall to the Glassehouse; he enricheth the Wine-merchant, the Vintner, the Cooper, the Brewer, the Victuler, the Serjeant, and the Jayler; and many times hee is so great an enemy to idlenesse, that hee makes worke for the Hang-man.AndK2r195

And now (sweet Sir Seldome Sober) I pray your gravity to take it into your consideration, that these fore-named vertues are no Womens Workes. Alas, poore silly Wretches as wee are, our weake capacities can never reach to the height of such worthinesse, wee have not the Art to swill and smoak away our husbands, our owne, our Children, our Families, and our Landlords food, health, raiment, and rent. And when any of them are surfeited, and dangerous sicke, what K2largeK2v196 large promises they will make, what reformed Men they will bee, if ever they may recover their Healths; and when many of them are well againe, the most part or great number of them doe keep their words like men of Dursly. As a pretty Jest happened lately at a Supper amongst some Gentlemen and Women, where one of the gentlemen tooke a Cup in his hand, and said to a little Girle of 4. Yeares of Age: wife I will drinke to you: the Child answered him, saying, I will be none of your Wife: WhyK3r197 Why, said he? Because you were drunke yesterday, said she: with that they all laught heartily. But the man replyed, and said to the Child, Sweet-heart, you shall be my Wife for all that; for I will bee drunke no more: To whom she answered; So my Father said the other day, when he was sicke, but since hee is well againe, hee hath forgot his Promise, and is worse now than ever he was.

It is reported, that a yong fellow was told his Fortune once by a Witch, or a Wizzard; which was, that he should commit one K3ofK3v198 of these three most wicked and abhominable Facts, and that it was in his choise to chuse which of them hee would: the one was, he should kill his Father; the other was, that hee should defloure his Mother: And the third was, that hee should bee most deeply and extreamly Drunke: Hee in his Heart abhorring the two first, detesting to bee the Death of his Father, (from whom he had Life) or to pollute and defile his mother that bore him: to avoyd both which execrable deedes, he made choiseK4r199 choise to be Drunke (as thinking it the lesser Crime of the three.) But being brutish Barbarous, and beastly possest with too much Drinke, so that he knew not what he did, or said, hee then committed all the three faults, of which hee made a drunken shift to avoyd but two.

And what woman can be such a Tame Foole, as to hold her tongue in her mouth, and (like a dumbe Beast) say nothing to her unthrifty Husband, that shall day and night wash downe his throate, with K4all,K4v200 all, or the most part of their maintenance, and pisse against the Wall his health, wit, money, and credit; and all her comfort is, that hee comes home, stinking, spewing, Belching, spetting, spawing, slavering, and (being once laid) snoring, like a Hogge in a Stie: or if he be not in that veine, perhaps he is in a worse mood to sweare, curse, fight, fling, and throw. As one of your Water-men (Sir Seldome Sober) the first letter of his name is J. came home Delicately mad Drunke, and pluckt a RopesK5r201 Ropes end out of his Pocket, wherewith hee most sorely beate his wife; which shee poore woman was faine to suffer with griefe and impatience: but within a weeke after, they being friends, she provided him the same Ropes end for his supper, boyld in Broth, like an Eele, and when hee had eaten the Broth out of the Platter, hee tooke his Knife, with intent to cut part of the Eele, and finding it to be hard for his cutting, hee asked his Wife what it was? Truely Husband, said shee, it is no worse than K5whatK5v what you gave mee; and therefore I thought good to make it ready, and Cooke it for your Supper. Sir, it is a griefe to see, that a Gentleman of your great Calling, is so ill attended in the forenoones: for commonly the greatest number of your servants and followers doe lye long a bed, so that you have but small and slender service of them, till three or foure of the Clocke in the afternoone, and from that time, till past Mid-night: the Tavernes, Ale-houses, and streetes are furnishedshedK6r203 shed and throng’d with all sorts of people, that for your honour are sufficiently Drunke, and for your further reputations, in all places by their drinking, speaking, going, or any other action or posture of theirs they doe declare themselves to bee Sir Seldome Sobers men.

And now I think it meet and convenient to Relate some few of their merry Pranke and Feates which they have done in their drinke.

I. A young K6v 204


A Young Roaring Gallant had newly entertained an old Gray-bearded Serving-man, whom his Master commanded to fetch him some Beere, for his Mornings draught; for it is to bee noted, that it is almost a generall Custome or fashion to drinke nothing else but Wine all the day after. The old fellow having brought the Beere delivered it to his Master;K7r205 Master; who said to him Thou hast some experience by reason of thy age, and therefore I aske thy advice, Whether it be better for a man to take his mornings draught standing or sitting: the Servant answered, that it is best to take it standing: Nay then I perceive thou art a foole, said the Gentleman: for all Doctors, and Physitians, and other best approved judgements doe hold it meetest to drink it sitting: Truly, Sir, said the other, I am of a contrary opinion, for I thinke it the wisest way to stand to myK7v206 my drinke in the Morning, and to sit downe to it in the after-noone, when I cannot stand.


There was on Richard Long, who was Yeoman Sadler to the King: The said Long had made shift to bee in a Taverne a long time, from one of Clocke in the afternoone, till Mid-night: in which space hee was growne very sufficiently drunke; at last, taking his leave of his Comrades (the Skie beeing almostK8r107 almost as darke as pitch) so that Long was forced to grope and foote out his way, from the Burrow of Southwarke to the Thames, to take a Boat: and as hee past from St.Saint Margarets Hill, through a way which is called the Dead mans place: wherein there are certaine Posts driven to keepe the Carts from the Foote-way. But Long came stumbling, and blundring a good pace, and withall ranne his face and breast against one of the Posts, which hee taking to be a man, up with his fist and strooke the Post, and withK8v208 with the blow broke his knuckles; whereat he was more angry, and running violently to strike another blow, the Post repulst him so stiffely, that Long staggard backward, and fell into a Ditch that was behinde him: in which Ditch there was a little dirty soft Mud, (for the water was at that time ebb’d out) Long being thus laid in a soft Bed, one Nicholas Bennet, that dwelt neare the Banke-side, a Needle-maker by trade, he came in stumbling Post haste the same way, and for want of eye-sight hee shoul-K9r209 shoulderd the said Post so strongly, that hee was made to recoyle in that manner, that hee fell backward into the Ditch also, and as hap was, hee fell upon Long, who supposing that he that assaulted him upon the way, had likewise pursude him in the Ditch; hee started up and said, Thou Rogue, what wilt thou robbe or murther me, thou troublest me in my going home, thou threwest me into this Ditch; and dost thou follow me hither to doe mee a further mischiefe? and with that hee layes about him, and heate pooreK9v210 poore Bennet, who cryed out to him, Master Long, I doe know you well enough, as I am a Christian I fell in here against my will: I was driven in here by a Post that stands in the way, I pray you hold your hands, for I knew not of your being here in the Ditch: My name is Nick Bennet, a Needle-maker. Upon which words the Battle was ended, and as they fell in and out Post, they grew friends, and groap’d the way to bed by leisure.

3. A K10r 211


Another that had been late at Foxe-catching, was going (or intending) home to his Lodging, the Moone being at the full, shining very bright, so that the shadow of a Signe-Post lay crosse the Gentlemans way, that hee by no meanes could stride over: (for hee imagined the shadow to bee a high Raile) whereat he offered, by lifting up his legge to get over, but could not lift high enough; all this while the host of the house (thatK10v212 (that was the owner of the Inne and the Signe) stood in the shade of his doore, and noted what danger the Gentleman was in, and stood closely smiling to himselfe; but at last the other espy’d him, and ask’d him what hee was, and who kept that house, that had dared to be so bold as to raile up the streetes, to debarre Gentlemen of of their passage in the Night, to their Lodgings: and withall he would know what Signe was over his head, and to whom it belonged? To whom the Man answered, Sir, I amK11r213 I am a man; I keep not the house, but the house keepes mee; I have not Raild up the streetes, but you have Reeld in the streetes: and whereas you would know what Signe it is, to tell you the truth Sir, it is the Gray-hound in Southwarke; but to speake more properly, It is a Signe that you are Drunke.

And now I am in the Moone-shine, I remember a tricke or two more of the same kind: for once there stood a May-pole in the Strand, which had the shadow of it cast quite thwartK11v214 thwart the streete, which a drunken gallant being double-sighted, supposed to bee a broad ditch, over which hee could not possibly get, till at last hee wittily threw his Cloake over the shadow, and after that hee threw his sword; and then going backe againe some dozen or twenty steppes, hee fetch’t a Runne, and rann with such great advantage, that hee valiantly, and fortunately Leaped cleane over the Maypole ditch Shadow, swearing that hee would complaine to the Justices

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