C olonel

What News, Captain?

Capt

It is an old saying, That ill
News hath wings, and good News
no legs.

Col

Hath thy News wings, or no
legs?

Capt

It hath wings; for it is reported
for certain, that the Army shall be disbanded, and
all the Soldiers Cashiered.

Lieut

So, then the Army will be a flying Army.

Capt

But yet we must beg upon Crutches.

Lieut

I believe we should have been stronger, if we Bhad B1v 2
had been of any other Profession, having had a better
employment to have busied our minds and persons with;
for Soldiers for the most part, their time and lives are idle,
having no great employment or business, but when they
march or fight, which is not every day or week; and
when we are in Quarters or Trenches, we have nothing to
do but to watch by turns; and therefore we are forced (for
want of better employment) to pass our time with the
Wenches in the Suburbs, or the Baggages that follow the
Army, with whom we get the Pox.

Capt

But how shall our Pocky bodies live, if we be
Cashier’d?

Lieut

We must endeavour to get into some Hospital
for Cure.

Col

That will be more difficult, then to get into a
Court for Preferment, Lieutenant.

Capt

The truth is, we may more easily get into a
Court, then to have a Cure in an Hospital; and we
may more easily be cured in an Hospital then get Preferment
in a Court; for Soldiers are never regarded in time
of peace; for when a War is ended, Soldiers are out
of Credit.

Col

And in time of War Courtiers are out of fashion.

Capt

Faith, Soldiers regard not new Modes, no more
then Wars give ear to Flattery.

Lieut

But Courtiers do oftener turn Soldiers, then
Soldiers Courtiers.

Col

Faith, Lieutenant, much alike; for Courtiers are too B2r 3
too weak to make Soldiers, and Soldiers are too rough to
make Courtiers.

Lieut

How, come Courtiers weak, Colonel?

Col

As Soldiers come weak; for Courtiers bring
the Pox into an Army, and the Soldiers carry it out of
an Army; for there is no resemblance between a Courtier
and a Soldier, but by that disease; for the Pox make
Courtiers and Soldiers like unto like.

Capt

Well, leaving the Pox to the Courtiers, how
shall we that are Soldiers, live?

Lieut

We must rob on the King’s high-way.

Capt

So we may chance to be hang’d.

Lieut

If we be, the care of a livelihood will be at an
end.

Cap

But I would not venture my life for a little mony.

Lieut

How ignorantly you talk Captain! for do not
all Soldiers venture their lives in Battel for other mens
sakes or Quarrels, and have no reward for their venture
and danger? and will such Soldiers be afraid to venture
their lives for themselves, and their lives maintenances?

Capt

But there is hope to escape death in a Battel, but
there is no hopes for a man to escape death when as his
neck is in a nouse.

Lieut

There is as little hopes to escape death when as
we have no means to live; and for my part, I had rather
be hang’d then starv’d; but howsoever, I am a Soldier
both in spirit and profession, who fears not death; and
you seem to be a Soldier in name, and not in nature; you have B2v 4
have the title of a valiant warring man, which is a Soldier,
and the nature of a Coward; otherwise, you would
not talk of escaping death, which shews you fear death.

Capt

If you were not my approved friend, you
should find I were no Coward as to fear to fight with
you; but I am afraid to die a base death, as a thief, and
not like a Soldier.

Col

How strangely you talk, Captain! are not all
Soldiers thieves? Do not all Soldiers Plunder?
Do not they take the Spoiles of their Enemies? As
first, kill their enemies, or take them prisoners, and then
seise on their goods, and all by Force? and all Force is
Hostility, and Hostility Robbery; and do not only the
common Soldiers, but we Commanders, nay, our Generals
do the same? and yet you name Thievery and Robbery
base, which baseness you and many more of all degrees
and qualities have practised and lived with this dozen years
to my knowledge, and it hath been a practise ever since
the world began: for Adam and Eve robbed Gods Apple-
tree, for they were forbid to take, or eat, and yet they did
both; and did not Cain kill his brother Abel? and was
not the Devil an enemy from the beginning? Thus Robbery,
Malice, Murder and Disobedience begun from the
worlds Creation, and will last to the worlds Dissolution;
by which we may see, that our profession, which is to rob,
fight and kill, is the most ancient profession that is.

Lieut

Dear Colonel, you have spoken most learnedly
and truly.

Cap

But yet there is difference between a Robber, a
Murderer, and a Soldier; for it is Honourable to Kill
our Enemies in the open Field: and it is Lawful to
possess the Spoiles.

Col

Many times we Kill our Friends, especially
in Civil Warrs; and when we Fight with Foreigners,
they never did us hurt, injury, or malice; but what do
you talk of such Honour as Warring-Honour, which is
a fair Name to a foul Act; and of such Martial Law, as
is Lawless and most unjust, as to take away other Mens
Rights? ’tis all one to call black white, or white black. But
there is no such thing as Law, nor no such thing as Honour,
but what Man feigns or makes; but the truth is, that
which Men call Law and Honour, is Power and Force: for,
the Strongest give Law; and Power makes Honour as it
pleases.

Cap

Your learned discourse, Colonel, shall not perswade
me to Rob on the High-way.

Lieu

What will you do then, Cap.Captain to get a living?

Cap

I will think of some honester way to live.

Colo

You had best Trade, and cozen your Customers,
that is a very honest way of Living; or serve and
Cozen your Master, or deceive your Mistriss, that is an
honest way of Living; or to Flatter some great Lord,
or Lie with some Old Lady, that is an Honest way of
Living: or betray, or accuse some Rich Man, to get a
Morsel of his Estate for a Reward, that will be an honest
Living: or Debauch a young Heir to live on his Luxuries Cand C1v 6
and Riots, or Corrupt young Virgins and Married
Wives with Pimping, that will be an honest and honourable
Living: or be a Broker for the Courtiers, to help
them to sell their old Clothes: or a Rook: or be a
Huckster for the Courtiers, to bring them Suters and
Petitioners for a share of their Bribes, that will be an
honest Living: or frequent Taverns and Ordinaries that
are customed with Noble Guests, and leave them to Pay
thy Share, that will be an honourable Living; and an
Hundred such waies there be, to get an honest Living.

Cap

No, I will go to Plow and Cart first.

Lieut

What? will you be a Slave to a Horses Tail?

Col

No, no, I will tell you a better way for You,
and the Lieutenant, and my Self to Live, than that: Let
us get some of our Poor Whores that followed the
Army; and go into some New-found Land, to help to
increase Plantation.

Cap

Content Colonel, but let me tell you, it will be
but a rotten Plantation.

Col

Faith all Plantations are but rottenly begun;
but the more rotten the Planters are, the better;
for rottenness doth, like as dung, help to Manure the
Land.

Lieu

Faith Colonel, I like your Proposition so well
as I would be there.

Capt

So do I, wherefore let us fit and provide for
our Journey presently, and sing this Song.

Capt

Lieut

Col

Peg

Capt

Peg

You seem to be very merry Brother, that your
Officers and you sing so cheerfully.

Lieut

By your favour Mistress, some for Joy do
weep, and some for Sorrow sing; witness the Lamentation,
and the Poetical Swan; and Tears are often
produced by Laughter.

Peg

What is the the cause of your sorrowful singing?

Capt

The Army is Cashiered, and so the Soldiers
are undone.

Peg

It were better the Soldiers should be undone,
than the Kingdom.

Cornet

Will you speak against your Brother’s Profession?

Peg

Yes, if it be for the general Peace of my Native
Country.

Capt

But now there is Peace, how shall we live?

Peg

You must live in Peace by your Wits, as you
lived in the Wars by your Valours.

Lieut

But all the Cavalier Party lost their Wits
when they lost their Estates.

Peg

Then you must Petition the State of this Kingdom
to build so large a Bethlam as to put in all the poor
mad Cavaliers.

Capt

Your advice is good, and you shall deliver their D1r 9
their Petition, Peg; but before I go to Bethlem I will go
tell Harry Sensible and Will Fullwit the News.

Lieut

And the Cornet and I will go drink some Cordial
Waters to revive our Spirits.

An

Do you hear the News of the Cashiered Army?

Peg

Yes.

Jan

And are not you troubled at the News?

Peg

No; for I had rather my Brother should be poor
with Safety, then rich with Danger; but your Brothers,
although they have not been such Active sufferers, yet
they have been Passive sufferers.

Jane

Yes, faith, they have had their shares of Losses;
but now my Brother is poor, he begins to study.

Peg

What doth he study, his Losses?

Jan

No, he studies Books.

Peg

What books? the Crumbs of Comfort, and the
Soveraign Salve, for the Cure of the Soul?

Jan

All our Brothers had need to Study and read
a Cure for their Estates; but let us go and bear them
Company.

Prud

Cousin Peg, where is your Companions, Nann
and Jane?

Peg

They are in their Chamber, envying your good
Fortune, and repining at their own ill Fortune.

Prud

What good Fortune do they envy me for?

Peg

For being the only Child, and so the only Heir
to a rich Father.

Prud

If their Brothers had been as wise as my Father,
not to have been so vain to have show’d their Valour,
they might have been so prudent as to have kept their
Estates; and so you and they would not have lost your
Portions by the folly of your Brothers.

Peg

It was not through their Folly, but through their
Loyalty that they entered into the action of War.

Nan

O Mistress Prudence! ’tis a wonder to see you
abroad, or at home without a Gallant.

Prud

When I come to see great Beauties, such as you
are, I dare not bring any of my Gallants, for fear you
should rob me of them.

Jane

It would be a Charity to bestow some of the
richest of your Suiters among us poor Virgins, to make
Husbands of; and to chuse one of the poorest of our Brothers
to be your Husband.

Prud

Indeed it would be a Charity to your Brothers,
but no Charity to my self.

Sav

Save you young Beauties.

Peg

We know not whether our Beauties will save
us; but we shall hardly save our Beauties long; for old
Father Time will take them from us.

Sav

Then you must get good and rich Husbands in
the time of your Beauties.

Peg

There are three difficult things to get; as first, to
get a Husband; next, a good Husband; and last, a rich Hus- D2r 11
Husband; for Men care not for handsome Wives,
but rich Wives; for had not my Cousin Prudence, your
Daughter, Wealth as well as Beauty, she might have
many Lovers, but not a Husband amongst them all.

Sav

Cousin Peg, you may get a rich Husband, not
only by the means of your Beauty, but by your Wit.

Peg

I have heard, that in former Ages, that many Men
did live by their Wits; but in this Age Wit is out of
fashion, and so out of practise, and so poor, as ’tis almost
st {Handwritten deletion: range} end of handwritten deletion {Handwritten addition: arv’d} end of handwritten addition

Sav

I am talking to your Sister my Cousin Peg, and
I perceive she despairs of getting a Rich Husband.

Capt

She hath reason, being poor her self; wherefore
Peg, and her two dear Friends, Mistress Anne, and
Mistress Jane, must lead Apes in Hell.

An

If the Devil hath as many Apes as Mens follies,
we shall never be able to lead them all.

Sav

For fear my Daughter should lead Apes in Hell,
I will go and get her a Husband.

Harry

Baccus and Mercury help thee, and have mercy on
thee, for I perceive thou art falling into Perdition,
as from a Drunkard to a Student; from a merry Companion,
to a dull Stoick; from a Wit to a Fool.

Will

I pray thee Harry leave me, for I am studying
to be a wise Man.

Capt

Faith Will, Wisdom is not learned by the
Book, but by Practise, which gets Experience; for Wisdom
lives with living Men, more then with dead Authors:
But prithee tell us, what Books are you reading?

Will

I am reading Plutarch’s Lives, Thucidides, Machiavel,
Commineus, Lucan, Cæsars Commentaries, and the
like.

Harry

Why such Books, since you are neither Greek
nor Roman? So that those Histories, or Historians of
other Nations will not benefit thee, nor thy Native
Country, for their Laws, Customs, or Humours; for
what are the Laws, Customs, Humours and Governments
of the Romans, Greeks, Turks, or Persians to thee, or thy
Native Country?

Capt

You say true, Harry; and what are their Wars,
or Peace to us, unless the same Cause, the same Places,
and the same Men, were again in our time? For put the
case you were a General, and were to fight a Battel, and
would make Cæsar your Pattern, it were a thousand to
one but you would shew your self rather a Fool, then a
Cæsar; for first, the Causes of War would be different;
the Scituation of War different; the Humours of the
Soldiers different; the Habilements, Postures, and Breeding
of the Men different; the Means, Supplies, Supports,
Armes, Time, Place, and Seasons different: So that if later
Commanders should follow the Precepts of former Commanders
and old Warriers, they would be losers; and
instead of being fam’d good Soldiers, get the reproach of
being ill Conductors.

Harry

You say right, Captain; and as for Foreign
Government, History is of no use, unless you would
bring an Innovation; for which, had you power to make
Combustions, you would sooner ruine the Kingdom,
then alter the Government; besides, in all Alterations,
Fortune hath greater power, and is more predominant
then Prudence: wherefore leave thy impertinent Studies.

Will

I will take your Counsel.

Lieut

Captain――Captain――I would fain speak, very――
fain speak a speech――but I shall be out of my speech, before
I begin, and that would be a very fowl disgrace――
to a man of parts.

Capt

’Tis true, Lieutenant; but a drunken man hath
no parts, for he is a departed man, Lieutenant.

Lieut

But I would have declared the strange effects――
the Magical effects――the Mystical effects――and the Tyranical
effects.

Capt

All which Effects meet in one Effect, which is to
be drunk, Lieutenant.

Lieut

That is true Captain――but the strange Postures,
several Humours, senceless Brains, and disabled limbs――
is that which I would declare.

Will

They will declare themselves, Lieutenant, without
the help of Rhetorick.

Lieut

You are a fool, Will; for they will want help, as
you may perceive by me――up――

Will

But Words are too weak to support them.

Lieut

But Words may excuse them.

Peg

Brother, there is a Gentlewoman without, that
came with the Lieutenant, who says she will not go without
him.

Capt

Lieutenant, there is a Gentlewoman stayes to support
thee to thy rest.

Lieut

It is a Cousin of mine――newly come out of the
Country――but I will go to her――up――

Capt

We will help to lead thee to her.

Jane

Where is the Lieutenant? ’tis said, he is so drunk,
he can neither stand nor speak.

Peg

The truth is, he doth both, but ill-favouredly.

Peg

Mistress Informer, you are welcome.

Inform

I know that, otherwise I would not visit you;
but I seldom fail seeing you once a day, unless I be out
of Town; but now I came out of Charity, knowing
you were all alone.

Peg

How did you know we were all alone?

Inform

Because I met your Brother, Captain Valour,
and Harry Sencible, Mistress Ann’s Brother, going up the
Street.

Jane

Was not my Brother with them?

Inform

No; I saw Will Fullwit go to the Play-house.

Jane

What Play-house? the Gaming-house, or the
Acting-house?

Inform

The Acting-house.

An

Our Brothers might be so kind, as sometimes to
carry us to Plays.

Peg

So they would, if we were such Cousins as the
Lieutenant had here; but being their Sisters, they will not
be troubled with us.

Inform

Now you talk of the Lieutenant, it puts me
in mind, I met him in the Street leading a Gentlewoman.

Peg

I believe she rather led him, then he her.

Inform

I know not which, led which; but neither of the E2v 16
them did walk steddily, for sometimes they went towards
the Wall, and then presently towards the Kennel.

Peg

It was a sign they were both drunk. But Mistris
Informer, have you brought the new-fashioned Hankerchief
to see.

Inform

Yes, but I have left it in your Chamber.

Peg

Come let us go see it.

Will

Sister Jane, is Harry Sencible within?

Jane

I cannot tell whether he be returned; but he was
abroad?

Will

Pray see; and if he be return’d, bid him come to
me.

Harry

Dear Will, what is the cause you lie so sadly?

Will

Oh, oh, I am wounded, wounded.

Harry

Where? where? tell me dear Will.

Will

I am kill’d, I am kill’d.

Harry

By whom?

Will

I die, I die.

Harry

Hold Life a little time, so long to tell thine
Enemy, that I may sacrifice him on thy Tomb; Oh he is
dead: dear Will, I wish to die, since thou art gone.

Capt

Harry, did not you tell us, that Will Fullwit
was kill’d?

Harry

I thought him dead.

Capt

Then how the Devil comes he to be alive again!

An

O, where is Mr. Fullwit’s body?

Will

An

O the Lord, what doth he ayle?

Will

Harry

By heaven he is stark mad.

Will

Will

Lieut

You have frighted them away.

Harry

Dear Will, put up thy Sword, for we are all
thy Friends.

Will

Harry

This madness is worse, far worse then death.

Will

What Harry, do you weep in earnest?

Harry

How can I chuse, to see my friend in a mad
distemper?

Will

Why Harry, I have only acted an Intrigue.

Capt

A pox of your Intrigue; for you have frighted
the Ladies, and disturbed your Friends.

Lieut

Nay faith, he hath disturbed the Ladies, and
frighted his Friends.

Harry

But how came you to be in this humour?

Will

With seeing a new Play.

Cornet

But you have not acted an Intrigue yet.

Will

That’s true, by reason the Ladies went away,
and Harry’s Tears would not suffer me to make more
changes; besides I had not time to express, or act my Intrigue;
but if you will call the Ladies again, you shall see
me act an Intrigue and Catastrophe, as it ought to be.

Harry

Hang Intrigues and Catastrophes, and play the
fool no more.

Capt

Prithee Will, go with us to a Tavern, and there
we will have several sorts of Wine, changes of Musick,
and variety of Mistresses, which are better Intrigues and
Catastrophes then are acted upon the Stage.

Will

Content, let us go, to dry up Harry’s Rhume
with Sack, and to let him see I am still a merry Companion.

Harry

If I had known you had dissembled, I would
not have discovered my love.

Will

Why! Love and Deceit is an Intrigue; but the
truth is I did this, that you and the Captain should not
believe that I was a dull Stoick.

Will

Dick Traveller, art thou return’d, old blade, from
thy Foreign Travels, to thy home-Friends?

Dick

I confess Foreign Travellers are apt to lose
home-Friends.

Will

But you have not lost us, for thou art heartily
welcome.

Harry

’Tis a sign that your Travels have been as cold
as far, for you have brought white Hairs home with you.

Lieut

He could not avoid a white head; for he hath
been at the North Pole, which hath turn’d his Hairs to
Snow.

Dick

I have been near the Pole in Greenland.

Cornet

Is that Country fertile?

Dick

Yes, of Frost and Snow.

Cornet

Is it Populous?

Dick

’Tis very populous of Bears and Foxes.

Lieut

Is it a good place for Plantation?

Dick

Yes faith, for if there were a Colony of Adulterers
sent thither, they might Plant Chastity; and if a
Colony of Drunkards were sent thither, they might Plant
Temperance; also if a Colony of Prodigals were sent
thither, they might Plant Frugality.

Will

But might not a Colony of Fools plant Wit there?

Lieut

It were excellent Policy, to send all the Fools
thither.

Dick

Those Parts of the World would not hold
them, if all be sent; for most Men are Fools.

Capt

Why fools in what part of the World soever,
they live in Twilight; and neer the Pole is Twilight
half the year.

Will

Prithee let’s leave talking of such cold Elements;
for the very hearing of the North Pole hath chil’d my
Spirits, as if they were hard frozen, and all my thoughts
are turn’d to Snow; wherefore let’s go to a Tavern, and
drink Sack to thaw them.

Dick

I shall bear you Company.

Will

Faith thou hast reason to drink ten Fathom
deep to melt thy frozen body, and thaw thy cold blood
that is turn’d to Ice, that Spirits of life may swim in
full large Veines.

Dick

You are full of Poetical fancy.

Will

’Tis a sign I did never travel to the North Pole,
for fancy lies in East and Western brains; the truth is,
every Poets brain is a Torrid Zone; wherefore let’s go to
the Tavern.

Harry

That is under the Ecliptick Line.

Capt

Are you come to see the Intrigue?

Peg

No, but we are come to see, whether Will Fullwit
be not dead again.

Will

No; but I am not so well, but that these good
fellows, are going to give me a Cordial.

Dick

To me these Ladies are Cordials.

Will

You have not tasted them yet.

Dick

May I presume to salute you, Ladies?

Harry

How do you like them?

Dick

It is not a question to be asked, nor I to give an
answer.

Capt

Prithee come away, and leave Complementing.

Peg

Did you see Dick Traveller.

Jane

Yes, I met him, and all the crew of them.

Peg

I have seen thy Brother stark mad.

Jane

I never knew him otherwise.

An

He did only shew an Intrigue.

Peg

Mistress Informer, you are welcome; but what
News brought you hither?

Inform

Hearing Master Traveller was to see you.

Peg

He was so.

Inform

Pray what new fashions hath he brought from
the North Pole?

Peg

I do not perceive any new fashion.

Inform

Lord, how reports prove false! for I heard he
had a strange fashioned Suit of Clothes which he did wear,
made all of Ice, and a great thick Cap of Snow, which
he wore over his head; and that the motions of his Body G and G1v 22
and Behaviour were trembling and shaking, as if he were
affrighted, or in a cold fit of an Ague, and that his language
was such a stuttering and stammering language,
as not any man in these parts could understand
him.

Peg

I saw no such Clothes or Cap that he wore, nor
heard no such stuttering, stammering language.

Inform

Indeed, as to his Garments, I did not believe
reports; for I said to those persons, that told that report
for a certain truth, that I could sooner believe
he was accoutred in a Suit of Fire, rather then of Ice;
but they replyed, That those parts of the World, so
neer the Poles, would not permit Fire; for the extream cold
did put out all sorts of Fire; but pray tell me whether he
doth not look very pale, wither’d, dry and old.

Peg

He doth not look as if he were a very young
man, because he is in some years; but he looks well for
his age.

Inform

What kind of Men, doth Mr. Traveller say,
are the Natives at the Pole?

Peg

I did not hear him say, there be either native
Men or Women.

Inform

If not, how did he get a Mistress?

Jane

Such colds Elements do not require Courtship.

Inform

But are there not any living Creatures there?

Peg

Yes, there are Bears; and in some of the Islands
near the Poles, there are white Bears, with red Patches on
their heads.

Inform

That is very fine, and surely very becoming;
wherefore I will inform the Ladies, who I am sure will
follow that fashion.

An

How can they be in the Bears fashion?

Inform

Very easily; for they may have a white Sattin
Gown, and a red Velvet Cap; and so be like the white
Beares, with the red Patches on their heads.

Peg

If they imitate nothing else of the Bear but that,
it will not be much a miss.

Inform

Fare you well; for I long to carry the News of
the Fashion.

Will

Is Harry returned?

An

No.

Will

I was going to the Tavern, believing you and
the rest of our Companions, were gone to the Tavern.

Harry

I stay for Dick Traveller; but Captain Valour,
Lieutenant Fightwell, and Cornet Defendant, are gone before
to the Tavern, to provide us good Wine.

Will

They will be drunk before we come.

Harry

Surely they will forbear drinking until we come.

Will

How should they forbear drinking, if they went
to tast the Wine?

Harry

They went to bespeak good Wine, and not
to tast it.

Will

Hang them, they will tast pint after pint, and
quart after quart; for they have not so much Temperance
as to stay.

Will

Dick, a Pox take you for staying, for the Captain,
Lieutenant, and Cornet have drank all the Wine in
the Tavern by this time.

Dick

They cannot drink all.

Will

Yes but they can; for they will pour in and out
so fast, as I am confident they have not left so much as
the droppings of the Tapes.

Harry

Come, come, let us make hast to them.

Will

Yes, when all is drunk up.

Harry

I will warrant you there will be enough left
to quench our drought.

Will

I hate quenching of droughts; I would be like
a Ship, to swim in an Ocean of Wine.

Informer

Are your Sisters within?

Will

Yes.

Peg

Mrs. Informer, what is the reason you are returned
so soon?

Inform

The reason is, that I had forgot to tell you of
the good company I was in the other day.

Jane

We heard that you were in Sociable Company.

Inform

I was so; and the Company hath past their
time with all the delightful Recreations that could be devised,
for the time they associated together; for sometimes
the Ladies, and their courting Servants, play’d at Cards, and
sometimes danced, and sometimes feasted, and some of the fairest H1r 25
fairest Ladies sat to have their Pictures drawn, whilst
their Lovers or Friends gazed on their Faces; which was
an occasion to cause those Ladies to put their Faces into
their best Countenances; and some of the Gallants did
make their Mistresses Portraictures, both in Verse and
Prose, whilst the Painter did draw their Pictures in Oyle
or water-Colours.

Peg

It seems the Gallants were Courtly to the Ladies,.

Inform

They were so.

Jane

Doth the Men court the Women publickly
or incognito?

Inform

They Court both ways; for every Man hath,
his particular, which he doth usher; but if they like each
other’s Lady and Mistress better then their own, or Love’s
variety, or would be liked, or loved by more then his own
Woman: They make Love incognito, as in a Mistical
or Allegorical way; which Allegorical Love’s making, or
woings, pleases the women infinitely, as by {Handwritten deletion: [Gap in transcription—one wordobscured]} end of handwritten deletion {Handwritten addition: side} end of handwritten addition eye-glances,
languishing looks, smothered sights, and metaphorical
speeches; as also wrying their Necks, with their eyes
fixt on the ground, or falling, or stumbling upon them,
as if it were by chance; and many the like Behaviours,
Garbs, Motions, Countenances and Discourses, as I
cannot remember to repeat all; and some are so excellent
and well experienced in the Art of making Love incognito
Allegorically, or Metaphorically, as I have known or
observed one Man to make half a dozen Women at least
at one time, believe he hath been deeply in Love with
each of them.

Jane

And do the Women receive these fashioned
Courtships in the like manner?

Inform

Yes, for they are as expert as the Men in
those ways; the truth is, that although every Man and
every Woman hath a Staple Servant, and a Staple Mistress,
yet they traffick all in common.

Jane

It seems they are common Wooers: But farwell,
I must go speak with my Brother Fullwit.

Inform

You must go to the Tavern then.

Jane

Why, is he gone to the Tavern?

Inform

Yes, I did hear him, Mr. Sencible, and Mr. Traveller
say, they would go unto the Crown-Tavern.

Peg

I am sure my Brother and his Officer are there
before them.

Jane

It is not to be endured they should spend so
much, and we want so much as we do.

Inform

If I might advise you Ladies, I would have
you go and bear them Company.

Jane

We will take your advice, although not to
drink, yet to quarrel, and you shall be our Conductor.

Peg

Those that see us will believe that Mrs. Informer
is a Bawd, that conducts three young Wenches to some
Gentlemen in the Tavern.

Inform

Come, come, for if I be, it is not the first time
I have been taken for a Bawd.

Cornet

Captain, let us not stay for Will, Harry and Dick,
but drink in the mean time.

Capt

Content, let us sit close, and drink hard; for here
is the best Wine; it was drawn out of Bacchus Cellar,
wherefore it is divine Wine.

Lieut

If it be divine, we should pray before we drink.

Capt

No you must drink first, as into a drunken humour
with divine Wine, and then pray when the Spirit
is strong in you.

Lieut

It is unnatural, Captain, at least unusual for
Martial men to pray; in so much, that if a Soldier should
be seen or heard to pray, he would be thought a Coward.

Capt

That is not so, for we were beaten by those that
Prayed.

Cornet

But some of our Party prayed.

Capt

If they did, it was so softly, as Jupiter could not
hear them: But I have drunk my self into a loving humour,
I wish I had a Wench.

Cornet

We will knock for the Chamberlain.

Capt

Chamberlain, get us some Wenches.

Chamb

There are none to be had, Sir.

Capt

You are a lying Rogue; for there hath been no
age, nor there is not a Kingdom that is not fully stored
with them.

Chamb

There is store in the Kingdom, if it please
your Worship, but they are not for Soldiers in this
age.

Capt

You lie, you Rogue, they are for Soldiers in
all ages, even in the worst of times; for they will venture
their lives to follow the Army for the pleasure of a Soldier.

Chamb

An’t please your Worship, it is for the hopes
of gaining some of the Soldier’s Plunder; but now that
your Worships can neither get Plunder nor Pay, they
defie you, and will not come near you, but laugh at you,
and say you are like old rusty Armes out of fashion, and
that they are now for the Court, not for the Camp.

Capt

Dam’d Fortune, shall the Court rob us, both
of wealth and pleasure?

Will

Hold, hold, Captain, what a Devil, are you mad
to drink before we come?

Capt

You are mad to stay so long, would you have
us choakt for thirst?

Dick

Come, come, we shall overtake them.

Capt

But you shall not, for we will, now you are
come, sit and drink healths, as health for health.

Will

Is there Wine enough to drink Healths?

Capt

Enough, Will, enough.

Capt

Dick, you are not returned as a Traveller a la
mode.

Dick

Would you have me a la mode de Bear, or a la mode de Fox.

Capt

Why not as well as other Travellers, that return
a la mode de Ape, and a la mode de Ass?

Will

Well, leaving the Bears, Foxes, Asses and Apes;
here is a health to the North Star.

Harry

That is a very cold star, Will.

Will

Therefore I will drink the health in Sack, to heat
it into a Sun.

Harry

And I will drink a health to Virtue.

Capt

You had better put Ice into your Wine then
Virtue; for she is so cold, not any heat can thaw her;
but I will drink a health more proper, for Dick Traveller’s
company, which are the seven deadly sins.

Dick

They belong more to the Courtier then the
Traveller; yet I will pledge them, were they seventy seven
sins, and drink them all at a draught.

Lieut

But that is unconscionable to drink them all,
leaving not any for your Friends.

Dick

All those I account my Friends, that have wit
enough to get, or invent more; for new-fashioned Sins
are as easily devised as new-fashioned Garments.

Will

Who is the maker of new-fashioned Sins?

Dick

The Devil.

Capt

But what the Devil makes these Women come
hither?

Will

Ladies, this is boldly done, to come and drink
healths with us.

Capt

’Tis but changing of Sisters, and they will serve
us for Wenches, and Mrs. Informer, my Cornet or Lieutenant
shall pay her for their Company.

Jane

We came not to drink, but to complain that
our Brothers should be so unkind, unworthy and unnatural,
to sit drinking to fill their Heads, and empty their
Purses, when we want Meat and Clothes.

Peg

You can be Jovial, but we must be Melancholy;
you sing Catches, when we shed Tears.

An

You have many Bottles of Wine, when we
want Smocks to our backs.

Will

But you have silk Gowns.

Jane

Yes, such as you buy at the second hand, or at
some Broker’s shop, which are more rotten then the Jews
Clothes in the Wilderness.

Harry

Why, what would you have us to do?

An

Not to sit drinking in a Tavern most of your
time; but to seek and endeavour to get some good Offices
and Employments that may help to repair your ruins,
and to maintain us according to our births and breedings.

Will

Faith, we may seek, and not find; beg, and not
get.

Peg

But yet you shall not need to spend that little
which is left, in drink.

Lieut

If it were not for drink, we should run mad; but
drink drowns all sorts of sorrows.

Capt

Leave your Caterwouling, and get you hence.

Peg

We will not go home, unless you will go with us.

Will

Yes, so it will be thought, you are our Wenches,
not known you are our Sisters.

Jane

We care not what people think, knowing our
selves honest.

Harry

Come, let us go, otherwise they will scould so
loud, as all the Street will be in a hubbub to know the
cause.

Father

Daughter, you being now Marriageable, I am resolved
to provide you a good Husband.

Daught

I am willing to be a Wife; but pray pardon
me if I ask you what you mean by a good Husband?

Fath

A good Husband, is a prudent Husband.

Daught

That is a miserable and jealous Husband.

Fath

No, no, mistake me not, for miserableness and
jealousie are extreams, but Prudence is a mean.

Daugh

If I must marry according to a Moral mean,
which is between extreams, then I must Marry a man of a
mean Birth, mean Breeding, mean Estate, mean Wit, mean I2v 32
mean Judgmenrt, mean Understanding, mean Esteem,
mean Behaviour, and the like.

Fath

No Daughter, I only desire you not to be an
extream fool, as to marry to extream misery; but since
you dispute for wisdom or discretion, I’le give you leave
to make your own choice, which will tend either to my
grief or comfort; to your own happiness or unhappiness;
and I shall see whether you can act as wisely, as you plead
wittily.

Suit

Madam, your Beauty is the Gaze or Blaze to all
the World; nay, ’tis not only a mortal but an immortal
Light, and as the soul, not of one humane Creature but
of all the World; which immortal light and soul I am
very desirous to enjoy, and to make you my Wife.

Lady

Sir, I shall readily consent, upon condition you
make me a present of the Alkabest, and a jointure of the
Elixir.

Suit

This Lady is not to be won with Complements
of Learning.

Gent

Well met Sir; have you seen the Lady?

Suit

Yes.

Gent

And how do you agree?

Suit

Just as Chymists and Fire.

Gent

How is that?

Suit

That is, they do not agree at all, but delude and
cross each other.

Gent

Nay, faith, if she be in a cross humour, I will
not plead and present my suit to her to day.

Captain

What is the cause you walk in such a musing
posture Harry?

Harry

I have lost my Mistress.

Capt

Is that all?

Harry

Yes, and too much.

Capt

Art thou mad?

Harry

No.

Capt

Have you any Wit?

Harry

Why do you ask?

Capt

Because you are Melancholy for a Woman.

Harry

It would make you or any man Melancholy,
to lose such a Woman as my Mistress is.

Capt

Faith, not unless my Mistress were the only Woman
in the World.

Harry

She was the only Woman in my affection.

Capt

’Tis a sign thy affection is a poor, mean, low,
narrow, and little affection, that hath but one Room for
one Mistress; whereas, my affection is as large as the Grand
Signior’s Seraglio,――for it will hold Hundreds of Mistresses,K ses, K1v 34
with all their Maids and Slaves attending upon them;
the truth is, my affection will hold all the Women in the
World; for I love all Women-kind, in so much as I
can never want love so long as there be Women, or a
Woman; and surely I can never want a Woman so
long as the World doth last; for the World doth not
increase any thing so numerously as Women; for all
Armies, Nations, Cities, Towns, Villages, Houses,
Churches and Chambers are for the most part filled with
Women; and since there are so many Women, it were
a madness for to be Melancholy for the loss of one woman:
wherefore put off this whining humour for shame, and
get another Mistress; and if I might advise you, I would
have four and twenty Mistresses, at least, at one time, and
so you will have a Mistress for every hour of the day and
night.

Harry

But my Mistress is a woman that doth excell
all her Sex.

Capt

In what?

Harry

In Beauty, Wit and Virtue.

Capt

Nay, if you talk of Virtue in a Mistress, you are
mad indeed.

Harry

May not a Man have a virtuous Mistress?

Capt

No, for it is against the rules and nature of virtue,
to live in a Mistress; for virtue is an humble Servant, when
as a Mistress is an imperious Tyrant; for Women are
insolent and imperious so long as they are made Mistresses,
which is to be flatter’d, attended and served with Mens estates, K2r 35
estates, bodies and souls; but when they come to be wives,
which is to be slaves, perchance, they may have so much
of Virtue, as to be somewhat humble, when as they are
forced to serve, and cannot command; but a wise Man
will never have a Mistress, although he should live unmarried,
but he will keep a Maid-servant for his use, and
so take and turn away so often as he pleases: But is thy
Mistress dead?

Harry

No, but she is Married.

Capt

Why then, she may be her Husband’s servant,
and thy Mistress still?

Harry

But she is too Virtuous to be my Mistress now
she is another Man’s Wife.

Capt

I prithee be not so wedded to the opinion of
Womens Virtues; for that will hinder thee from pursuing
a Lover’s design.

Harry

I will endeavour to forget this Mistress, and
get another.

Capt

Now you speak like a wise Man.

Will

Captain, and Harry, I was even now wishing for
either of you.

Harry

If you be as fortunate in all your wishes, as in
either of our being here, you will be the most fortunate
and happiest Man that ever was; but tell us whether it
it was your affection, appetite or reason, which was the
cause of your wish.

Will

Not any of them; for it was my wit that caus’d that K2v 36
that wish; for I have made a Copy of Verses, which I
would have you both read, and then give me your
opinion.

Capt

For my part, I had rather your appetite had
wished for our good fellowship; for I had rather drink a
health, then read a Copy of Verses; the truth is, I cannot
endure Verses.

Will

But if they were a Copy made in your Mistress
praise you would like them.

Capt

I should hate my Mistress, throw the hate to the
Verses, were she never so worthy, or the Verses so witty.

Will

That makes thee love mean common Women.

Capt

They are fools that will wooe a nice Lady with
flattering Verses, when they may have a free Wench,
with plain Prose; and as the old saying, “Jone in the dark is
as good as my Lady.”.

Harry

Nay faith, but they are not; for all common
Wenches are unwholsome Sluts.

Will

Well, leaving Jone and a Lady at this present, I
would have you read a drunken Song, which I made to
sing between every glass, for singing dries the Throat, and
drought requires drink, all which will make us drink with
more gust, and the wine will tast the quicker.

Capt

Faith, I hate verse so much, as the Song will make
me vomit up my drink; besides singing brings down rhume,
and to have salt rhume mixt with sharp wine, will cause
such an unpleasing tast, which will make us more sick then
Crocus Mettallorum, and spoile the wine; wherefore burn your L1r 37
your Song; besides, let me tell you, as your friend, that
’tis very dangerous for a Drunkard to be a Poet; for the
vapour of Wit, and the vapour of Wine, joyned together,
will overpower your brain, and may make a man so
mad, as to be past recovery; but when the brain is only
muddl’d with the vapour of drink, sleep cures it, and drink
causes sleep; whereas Poetry banishes sleep from the Sences,
and heats the brain into a Fever.

Will

But the hotter the brain is, the quicker the Wit
is, and Poets drink Wine to heighten their fancy.

Capt

Let me tell you, Poets drink Wine to please
their Pallats; and it is an old Saying, “That when Drink is
in, then Wit is out”; wherefore burn thy Verses.

Harry

Do, Will, take his Counsel, and burn them.

Will

I will follow your advice, and burn them to light
a pipe of Tobacco.

Capt

That is worse then if you should read them, or
sing them; for you will suck them back into your brain,
with the smoak, through your Pipe, and so have your
Verses to return smoking hot, which will either smother
your brain, or give your brain such an appetite, as you will
never leave versifying. But come let us go and consult how
they may be destroyed.

Will

Content.

Capt

Peg, have a care, and stay at home.

An

Always Melancholy?

Peg

Who can be merry, that is poor?

Jane

Who lives more merry then Beggars?

Peg

But our Birth and Breeding will not suffer us to
beg.

Jane

No, but we may live by our Wits.

Peg

But Wit was kill’d in the War.

An

You are mistaken, it was only banished with the
Cavaliers; but now it is returned home.

Peg

I cannot perceive it; for though I see many Fools,
yet not a true natural Wit amongst them; for there is the
Rhiming-fools, the Intrigue-fools, and the fine-languaged
fools.

Jane

The truth is, the multitude of Fools obscure
the Wits, like dark Clouds that obscure the Sun; but let
us endeavour to shine through those Clouds.

Peg

That cannot be.

Jane

Let us try for our profit.

Peg

But Word-Wit will not make us rich.

Jan

I grant it, but Deed-Wit will do us good, wherefore
let us endeavour to get rich Husbands.

Peg

We may endeavour it, but not obtain it.

An

But if we could get them by our ingenuity, we
know not where they are to be had.

Jane

Madam Informer will give us Intelligence.

Harry

Is your Brother within the House?

Jane

I think he is, I will go and see.

Harry

Well, I shall never trust any man more for your
sake, nor never believe in Friendship.

Will

Why?

Harry

Do you ask why, when you who I did believe
was so true a friend, would never forsake me at a time of
need, when not only my Life, but my Honour was engaged
in a quarrel, for which I chose you for my second, and
then to fail me at the appointed time, was base; for had
you been my Enemy, your Honour should have brought
you into the field.

Will

Faith, I was so engaged in a Company of Ladies,
I could not come.

Harry

Can there be a greater engagement then Friendship,
Honour and Honesty?

Will

Can there be a greater friendship then the love of
Women, or more honourable then to serve the Female
sex? and as for honesty, ’tis not worth any thing, besides,
it is a fool, it brings a Man to ruine, at least a Man can
never thrive by it.

Harry

O judgment, how hath it erred, to chuse a
Knave for a Friend, a Coward for a Second!

Will

So I perceive, rather then you will want an Enemy,
you will quarrel with your own judgment, you had
best fight a Duel with that.

Harry

Go, go, and kiss a Mistress, and leave talking
of Duels.

Will

I marry, this is friendly advice; for in Kisses
there is life and pleasure, in Duels death and danger; but
let me tell thee, Harry, I have done thee a more friendly
part, in not appearing, then ever I did thee in my life; for
I have saved thy life, at least thy estate, and have kept
thy Honour pure and free from stains, and I have increast
thy honour.

Harry

Which way?

Will

Thus; I have let thee go into thee Field for thy
Honour, and have kept thine Enemy out, not by force,
but by perswasion; which perswasion hath so wrought on
him and his Second, as they will both meet in the same
place you quarrel’d in, where shall be the same Company
that drank, and was drunk there, and before that Company
he will confess his fault, and ask pardon, which is
as much satisfaction as an honest or honourable Man can
desire; and it would be against the Laws of good fellowship
to fight a sober Duel, for a drunken quarrel; wherefore
agree, and be friends with our drunken Comrade.

Capt

We heard you very high in words, I hope you
two dear friends will not quarrel?

Will

We shall not quarrel like Enemies; but Harry
is angry, because I will not let him fight.

Capt

Fight, with whom will he fight?

Will

With Tom Ranter.

Lieut

Hang him, he will get no honour with fighting
with him.

Capt

Come, come, I will conduct you to a better
pastime then fighting vain Duels; for there are a Company
of Ladies which I am acquainted with, that have made a
merry meeting, only they want Men to keep them
Company.

Will

Let us go; come Harry, will you go?

Harry

Yes, with all my heart.

Capt

I will but speak a word to my Sister.

An

What are you thinking of now?

Peg

I was reasoning with my self, why those Women
that was neither factious, ambitious, covetous, malicious
nor cruel, should suffer in the Wars with the men.

Jane

The gods would not be just, if the Women
did not suffer for the Crimes of the Men, since all Men
suffer for a single crime of a particular woman, witness our
Grandmother Eve.

An

O Madam Informer, have you made an Inquiry?

Inform

Yes, marry have I, and find the Mass of
Wealth is in the possession of Usurers, Lawyers and Physicians.

Jane

I believe Usurers and Lawyers may be very M rich M1v 42
rich, for the Civil War hath made those sorts of Men
like as Vultures, after a Battel, that feed on the Dead, or
dying Corps; but I cannot perceive why Physicians
should be the richer for those times.

Inform

There is great reason why they should gain the
more; for both Men and Womens bodies are corrupted,
and weakned with Melancholy, Grief, Malice, Revenge,
Envy, Wrong, Injustice, and the like; so that their bodies
are full of the Scurvy, which their Misfortunes hath bred.

Peg

But have you found amongst these rich sorts of
Men, any Widowers, or Batchelors?

Inform

Yes, that I have, three Batchelors; the richest
amongst them, is one Mr. Get-all an Usurer; the other
Serjeant Plead-all a Lawyer; the third Doctor Cure-all a
Physician.

Jane

Which is the richest?

Inform

The Usurer; for he is worth Two hundred
thousand Pounds.

Peg

Well, we will imploy our Wits to get these
Men.

Inform

But Wit without Assistance, will do no good;
wherefore you must get your Brothers, and their Friends
to help you by their industry.

Jane

Your Counsel is good.

Peg

Brother, are you well, you look so Melancholy?

Capt

In body, but not in mind, Peg.

Harry

Captain, what makes thee so sad?

Capt

That which would make any Man sad, want of
Money.

Will

We may be as sad as you for that; but to be
poor and Melancholy is a double misery.

Capt

Life cannot be merry, when it hath not any thing
to live upon.

Capt

Dick, where have you been?

Dick

I have been peeping through a Key-hole into a
Room, where your three Sisters are in serious Councel
with Madam Informer.

Capt

Pray God she is not instructing of them to be
Wenches.

Will

Faith, I fear it; for she would make an ingenuous
Bawd.

Capt

I will go and part them.

Dick

Pray do not; for perchance the Womens
Wits may do you more service then your own; for I
heard them say, their Brothers must assist them; and surely
they do not believe you would be their Pimps.

Harry

No, for they know we shall rather be their
Murtherers then their Pimps.

Dick

Then let them alone; and whilst they are in a
Councel, let us go to the Tavern and drink.

Capt

But we have no Money.

Dick

I have a little credit to run on the Score.

Harry

Faith, if we go to the Tavern, the Girls will
come crying after us.

Dick

I tell you they are so busie about some Female-
design, as they will not miss us.

Cornet

I must stay to tell a lie, because they shall not
follow us.

Cornet

Ladies, your Brothers bid me tell you, they
are gone about some serious business; but they will return
soon.

Peg

When they will.

Peg

Mrs. Informer, how shall we three agree in the
choice of the three Rich Men?

Inform

You must draw Lots, and I have made them
ready.

Jane

I pray Jupiter, I may draw the Rich Man.

An

I pray Jupiter, I may draw him.

Peg

We must take our Lot, let it be what it will.

Inform

Which have you drawn?

Jane

I have drawn Serjeant Plead-all.

An

I have drawn Doctor Cure-all.

Peg

Jove, I thank thee in giving the Usurer to me.

Inform

Now go to your Brothers, and inform them
of your designs.

Jane

Faith, they will rather laugh at us, then help us.

An

But yet we dare not do any such thing without
their knowledge.

Peg

I am confident my Brother will assist me.

Jane

Come, let us go to them.

Will.

Well, this Wine is so fresh and full of Spirit, as
it would make a Fool a Poet.

Harry

Or a Poet a Fool.

Dick

Then here’s a Health to the most Fools in the
World.

Capt

Then you must drink a Health to the whole
World, that is one great Fool.

Lieut

Prithee Dick do not drink that Health, for it
will choak thee; for the World of Fools is too big for
one Draught.

Dick

Then here’s a Health to the wisest Man.

Cornet

You may as well drink a Health to a drop
of water in the Ocean.

Capt

Faith Dick, that health is so little, it cannot be
tasted; besides, I do not love droppings.

Dick

Then here’s a Health to the Honest’st man in the
World.

Will

That Health is more difficult then the last? for
it is as rare to know an Honest man, as to see a Phoenix.

Dick

Then I will drink a Health to the Chastest
Woman.

Lieut

You might as well drink a Health to the Queen
of the Faries, which is an old Wives-tale; for Chastity
lives only in the Name not in Nature.

Dick

Then here’s a Health to a Common Courtesan.

Harry

A Pox of that Health, I will not pledge it.

Will

Then here’s a Health to the Muses.

Capt

It is a shame for a Soldier to drink a Health to
the Muses.

Lieut

The truth is, I hate a Poetical Soldier.

Harry

Is it not lawful for a Soldier Captain to
have Wit?

Capt

No; for Wit makes the minds of Men soft,
sweet, gentle, and effeminate; insomuch as those that
have Wit, are not fit for Soldiers; for Soldiers should
have resolute minds, cloudy thoughts, hard hearts, rough
speeches, and boisterous actions.

Cornet

The truth is Captain there is as much difference
between a Poet and a Soldier (which is Wit and
Courage) as between a Calm and a Storm.

Capt

You say true, Cornet; for certainly the best
Soldiers are born and bred in the uncivillest Nations.

Lieut

No doubt of it, Captain.

Dick

Then here’s a Health to the Graces.

Capt

That Health is three times worse then the former,
which was nine times too bad; for when did you know
a Soldier to have Grace?

Lieut

The truth is Captain it is unnatural for a
Soldier to have Grace.

Capt

You say true, Lieutenant.

Will

Setting aside, the Muses and the Graces, here is
a Health to the Furies.

Capt

I marry Sir, that Health sounds like a Soldier’s
Health, and I will pledge it were the Glass full of
Wounds. Here Harry, here’s the Furies Health.

Harry

Faith, Captain, we shall be furiously drunk
with the Furies Health.

Cornet

It will give fire to your brain.

Harry

Yes, and burn out my Reason.

Capt

Now I will begin another Health; Here Gentlemen,
here is Death’s Health.

Dick

Good Captain, do not drink Death’s Health, for
it will make our Wine so cold it will never warm us; besides,
dead Wine will never make us drunk; and if we
had not a desire to be drunk, we should not have come
now to the Tavern.

Capt

Dick, you must drink Death’s Health, for
Death’s Health will make you dead drunk.

Dick

Then I will drink it, and invite you and the
rest of the Society to my Funeral.

Capt

Then we will carry thee to thy bed with Ceremony,
as to thy Grave, sounding a dead March with
empty Pots, trayling our Tobacco-pipes instead of Pikes,
and spew out Wine instead of Tears.

Harry

Did not I tell you they would come.

Capt

What come you for now?

Jane

Not to complain or chide, but to desire your
assistance to our Designs.

Will

Let your Tongues and Tayls assist you.

Peg

No, our Wits and Honesty shall assist us.

Capt

Pray Jove you have either.

Harry

Well, let us hear your Designs.

An

It is to get us Rich Husbands.

Capt

Sister Peg, tell me truly, is the Design so honest,
and honourable as only to get a Rich Husband.

Peg

There is no deceit in the end, but only in the
way or means.

Capt

Come, let us go, for perchance our Sister’s
honest Wits may get us Honourable Means to
live with.

Suiter

Madam, I was here some little while ago, to tender my
duty to you; but hearing you were not in a pleasing
humour, I durst not venture to present my Suit,
for there is a nick of Time for Lovers to speed.

Lady

Sir, I perceive you are well learned in old
Observations.

Suit

As for Learning of all kinds and sorts, I defie it,
in so much that I cannot read the Horn-book; neither
am I able to remember the relation of any Discourse, if
there be words in it that consist but of two Sillables.

Lady

How will you make Love then?

Suit

Thus Madam, I love you with all my heart.

Lady

What Jointure will you make me?

Suit

Love.

Lady

What maintenance will you give me?

Suit

Love.

Lady

Can Love feed, Cloth and maintain me?

Suit

Love is the true Elixir, and above all price, being
above Gold; it is a Creator, Madam.

Lady

If your Love be a Creator, then my Love shall
be your Creature.

Suit

The Devil himself cannot work upon a Womans
Nature.

Suit

Madam, I hear you are Rich.

Lady

What then Sir?

Suit

And I am poor.

Lady

What then?

Suit

Therefore I desire you would be pleased to
marry me.

Lady

For what?

Suit

To mend my Fortune.

Lady

I am no Cobler, Sir

Suit

The Devil take Women’s Tongues, for they
make Men Fools.

Harry

Doctor Cure-all, hearing of your fame, hath caused me
to send for you, to assist me with your help.

Doctor

What is your Disease?

Harry

That you must tell me; but my pain lies in
my bones.

Doctor

I understand your Disease; you must be put
to a diet, and you must sweat, and bathe, and something
else, if need require it.

Harry

I hope I have not the Pox, Doctor?

Doctor

You may say it is a Cold, or so; but do you not O2r 51
not feel a tenderness in your Nose, or a weakness in your
Legs?

Harry

My Legs are somewhat weak.

Doctor

Do you spit much?

Harry

Sometimes, but not much.

Doctor

It were well if you did; for that Evacuation
is good for young Men.

Doctor

By no means Sir.

Harry

Pray Doctor take it.

Doctor

Well Sir, I shall prescribe some Remedies.

Harry

I shall come to your House, and Visit you
sometimes, Doctor.

Doctor

You shall be welcome Sir; if I am not mistaken,
your Name is Mr. Sencible.

Harry

It is so Sir, your Servant Doctor.

Capt

Harry, it seems you are sick, for we met the
Doctor; but what says he to thee.

Harry

He says, I have the Pox.

Will

A Plague of him, but he hath the Money.

Harry

I lent him two Pieces upon Interest.

Capt

For the hopes of thy Cure: But Will Fullwit,
have you got your Sister into the Serjeant’s service?

Will

Yes, and he likes her Service very well.

Capt

But Harry, how doth your Sisters design go on?

Harry

Faith slowly; for this is the first time I ever saw
the Doctor, but I hope it will come to a good issue in
time; but how far is your Sisters design gone?

Capt

So far as I am almost ready to summon him to
a Spiritual Court, and yet I have neither spoke to, nor
seen the Usurer Get-all; but when a business is well laid,
it is half done.

Harry

But if it be to appear before the Spiritual
Court, it will be cast forth.

Capt

I will warrant you I shall get such a Judg, as
will end the cause on my side; but both of you must
be assistants; wherefore let us go to Dick Traveller, where
we shall meet my Lieutenant, and Cornet, whom I have
well instructed.

Capt

O, you have prevented us; are you ready for
the design?

Dick

Yes.

Capt

But do you understand the cause well?

Dick

So well as I shall not need any further Instruction;
but where’s my Fee?

Capt

But stay, the Cause is not ended; for though a
Bribe go before, a Fee comes after.

Lieut

If Judges and Lawyers should not be Fee’d before
Causes were decided, they would not be so rich as
they are; but Doctors usually have their Fees after their
Prescriptions and Advice; wherefore, Will Fullwit, that
must be; Doctor Feel-pulse must not be fee’d before hand.

Capt

I only fear Will is not learned enough to play
the part of a Doctor of Physick.

Will

Never fear me, for I shall out-argue the
Colledge.

Dick

Harry, and your Lieutenant, and Cornet must
act as under Officers and Clerks.

Cornet

Let Harry act the part of a Clerk, and leave us
to be under Officers.

Capt

No, no, Harry must be a Pleader; but I never
thought Soldiers should turn Judges and Lawyers, before
now.

Dick

Why not as well as Priests turn Soldiers.

Capt

Come, let us go about this great affair.

Capt

Peg, have you got your Child ready?

Peg

Yes.

Will

Have you Confidence to outface the Court?

Peg

I can face the Court; but I fear I cannot outface
or out-case the Usurer Get-all.

Capt

Never fear it, Peg.

Peg

Pray Jove we speed, for the good of the Common-wealth
of Cavaliers.

Capt

Well Peg, be ready against I send for you.

Anne

How is your Design like to prove?

Peg

Well I hope; but Mrs. Informer, have you seen
Jane Fullwit since she went to be a Lawyer’s Clerk?

Inform

I have, and she told me, that her Master is
much pleased with her service; but I going often to visit
his Clerk, the Serjeant having notice of it, watched
when I was with him, and was very angry, and said I P was P1v 54
was such a Bawd as corrupted all the Apprentices, and
Lawyer’s Clerks in the City. But I fear for all your industry,
your Designs will not come to that effect you
desire.

Peg

Why, what hinders them?

Inform

Why, those three rich men, that I informed
you of, do eagarly wooe the old Lady Riches.

Jane

Are the men young, or old?

Inform

Neither; they are of a middle age.

An

Then she will never marry any of them; for old
Women love young Men; besides, she can marry but
one.

Peg

Come, come, it is impossible, but we shall be preferred
before the old Lady.

Inform

I wish you may.

Peg

I will warrant you, we shall have good success if
you act your part well.

Inform

Never fear me, for I shall out-act you all.

Peg

Come, let us go to the Child, to put a dry Cloath
to it, and to wrap it warm with a Mantle, for fear it
catch cold; for if it get Cold, my Brother will be angry.

Roger

Will your Worship give me leave to speak
freely to you?

Get-all

Yes, Roger, freely.

Roger

I wonder your Worship will starve your
life, to fill your Purse.

Get-all

O Roger, when the Purse is full, the life cannot
starve for want.

Roger

’Tis true, he that is Rich may eat if he have
a Stomack; but you will neither eat nor sleep, but wear
out your life in casting up the Accounts of your Riches,
and yet have not an Heir to leave it to.

Get-all

Wealth never wants Heirs.

Roger

Indeed such Heirs, that will give no thanks
for what they do receive?

Get-all

But I can make the Meritorious my Heirs.

Roger

You may make Heirs, but not Merit, Sir.

Get-all

Do you think there are not Men of Merit?

Roger

Faith Sir, Merit died many years since, and
left no Posterity.

Servant

Sir, there is one Captain Valour desires to speak
with your Worship.

Get-all

These poor Cavaliers haunt me like Spirits,
they will not let me rest in peace.

Roger

Faith Sir, they are like Hounds, that hunt an
after-Game.

Get-all

But they shall not catch my Wealth; for they
have no Lands to Mortgage, nor Goods to Pawn.

Roger

I believe they have not any thing to pawn or
Mortgage, unless it be their Honesties.

Get-all

But poor Honesty will pay no Debts;
wherefore tell the Captain, I am not to be spoken with.

Roger

But your Worship said, you would leave
your Wealth to Men of Merit.

Get-all

Yes, Roger, I may leave them my Wealth
when I die; but not give it them whilst I live.

Roger

But if the Cavaliers be Men of Merit, they
may be starved before you are like to die; for you are
not fifty years of age, and healthful and temperate, whereas
they are weak with want and disorders.

Get-all

Want and disorders seldom go together;
wherefore we’l endeavour to get the old Lady Riches.

Roger

What, to be disorderly?

Get-all

No, to be Rich.

Roger

But would you Marry this old Lady Riches
in earnest?

Get-all

Yes; but I would not see her before I am
Married, for fear I should dislike her; and that would
disquiet my mind between two Passions, Dislike and
Covetousness.

Roger

But you have a Mass of Wealth already, so
in my judgment you should desire no more.

Get-all

You are a Fool; for I would be as Rich as
the Indies, and then I should be more then half as Rich
as the King of Spain.

Roger

But what would you do with it, if you had it?

Get-all

I would fight with the Great Turk.

Roger

But you said, That you would give your
Wealth to Men of Merit.

Get-all

Why so I shall, if I give it to Valiant Soldiers,
to fight against the Turk.

Roger

But would your Worship head your own
Army?

Get-all

Yes.

Roger

Truly that would be a kind of a Miracle; for
I never heard of an Usurer that was Valiant.

Serv.

Sir, Captain Valour is without still, he will not
go away.

Get-all

I cannot speak with him.

Serv

He bids me tell you, That he doth not come
to borrow Money, for he knows you will lend him none;
but he says, He came to inform you of a business that
highly concerns you.

Get-all

Well, bring him in; but be sure Roger and
Tom, that both of you be in the next room, for I do not
love to be with a Soldier alone.

Roger

But you dare trust your self at the head of an
Army.

Get-all

Yes, yes, but that is against the Turk; but
hold your prating and send in the Captain.

Capt

Mr. Get-all, I am come to inform you, that there
is a young Gentlewoman brought to bed.

Get-all

What is that to me.

Capt

It is to you, if it be true what they say, which
is, that you got it.

Get-all

If she can prove I got it, I will not only keep Q the Q1v 58
the Child, but marry the Woman; but I did believe I
was always insufficient.

Capt

You speak as an honest Gentleman, and I shall
tell her what you say.

Get-all

Roger, I am provided of an Heir, for I have
a Child laid to my Charge.

Roger

Of the Captain’s begetting.

Get-all

I believe so; but the Wench lays it to my
charge.

Roger

Faith Sir, I never saw any thing like a Woman,
near your Worship, since I came to be your Servant,
which is above Twenty years; as for your old Cook-
maid, she is nothing like a Woman.

Get-all

Why, what is she like then?

Roger

Like a Spirit, whose substance is wasted in
Hell-fire.

Get-all

Well Roger, but I must be careful to avoid
this Wenches plot against me, and there is no way, that I
can perceive, to avoid it, but to marry as speedily as I can;
wherefore carry the old Lady Riches that Present, and let {Handwritten deletion: her} end of handwritten deletion {Handwritten addition: ter} end of handwritten addition in {Handwritten deletion: to} end of handwritten deletion my Chamber, and if it be possible speak to her self
and wooe her for me.

Roger

Faith Sir, I am as bad a wooer as your self; for
I never wooed any Woman but your Cook-maid for a
Breakfast, or to make me a Bag-pudding; and how such
kind of Wooing will fit a Lady, I cannot tell.

Get-all

But you can tell her, how Rich I am.

Roger

That I can, and in my Conscience that is as
good a wooing-Plea as any is.

Get-all

And you may tell her that one of my age is
fitter to match with one of her age, then a younger man.

Roger

Those two Arguments will spoile all, especially
that of mentioning her age, for Women cannot
endure to hear of their age, were they as old as
Methuselah.

Get-all

Well, use what Arguments you shall think
fit.

Roger

Shall I Wooe as the young Gallants, in Court
Language?

Get-all

What Language is that?

Roger

Fine Phrases, and Mode-expressions, which is
a mixture with French words, and high Complements.

Get-all

How high?

Roger

As high as Non-sence, which is beyond
Understanding.

Get-all

Prithee use what Language or Expressions
you will.

Roger

But put the case I should wooe so courtly, as
to get her for my self?

Get-all

If you do Roger, I shall wish you joy.

Roger

I thank you Sir.

Tom

Sir, there is a young Gentlewoman come in a
Coach, who desires to speak with your Worship.

Get-all

I’le pawn my life it is she, that desires to lay
her Bastard to my Charge.

Tom

Certainly, she is none of that trade, for she is
come in a Coach.

Get-all

Why a Hackney Woman may ride in a
Hackney-Coach; there is no Law against it, Tom.

Tom

But in my conscience this Gentlewoman looks
as modestly, as if she were honest.

Get-all

But a modest Countenance is oftentimes
made use of only to cover the face of Adultery.

Tom

Then youu will not speak with her?

Get-all

No, for there is Antipathy between me and
Women-kind, since this Accusation.

Tom

Sir, here is the Captain.

Get-all

What would you have now?

Capt

I am come to summon you to the Spiritual
Court.

Get-all

I shall obey; but how shall I find the Court,
for I was never there?

Capt

I will go but to the next house to speak with a
friend, and I will come and direct you to the place.

Get-all

I pray do.

Get-all

I am glad you are not gone to the Lady, for
I am summoned to the Spiritual Court.

Roger

The Captain’s coming made me stay, but
what are you summoned for, a bag of Money?

Get-all

Indeed that is the design, but the pretence is, for R1r 61
for getting the Child, I told you was laid to my Charge.

Roger

Why, this is the misery of Wealth, a man can
never be quiet; and you being very rich, it will be the
policy of the Spiritual Court, to make you maintain all
the Whores, and their Bastards, in the City.

Get-all

Like enough.

Roger

And if there be an overplus, you may leave
that to the Meritorious; so then you will maintain Vice
in your life, and Virtue when you are dead.

Get-all

But surely my Innocency will defend me from
the injury of Injustice.

Roger

Faith, Injustice is too prevalent for Innocency,
in these days.

Get-all

Well, let us go, for I must obey the Laws.

Roger

But Sir, you are not provided of Lawyers to
Plead on your side.

Get-all

I shall not need them, for I can declare my
own Innocency.

Harry

Most Reverend Judge, here is a Gentlewoman
come, who desires Justice.

Dick

What is her Cause?

Harry

Her Cause is, That she being a virtuous young
Woman, hath behaved her self modestly, and hath
kept a good Reputation in the World (which all her
Neighbours know) until such time as this Mr. Get-all got
her with Child, which Child he will neither own nor
keep, nor marry the Woman.

Dick

Have you any Witnesses?

Harry

We have such a Witness as the Law allows
of, which is a Midwife.

Get-all

I require the Witness to be heard.

Dick

Will you witness that the Child is Mr. Get-all’s.

Inform

I will witness the words of the Labouring
Woman.

Dick

Declare them.

Inform

About Twelve a Clock at Night I being in
bed, and fast asleep, there comes a Man, and raps, and
raps, and――raps at the Door, as if it had been for life,
which in truth proved so; for it was to fetch me to
bring a sweet Babe into the World; but I hearing one
rap so hard, I was afraid, my Door, being but a rotten
Door, should be broke to pieces; I ran to the Window
to ask, who knockt so hard, but the man knockt on, and I
call’d out; which knocking and calling took up half an
hours time; but at last, my Tongue being louder then the
Clapper, he heard me then; I asked him what was his business?
he said, I must go presently to a young Gentlewoman
that was in Labour; upon which summons I did R2r 63
did rise and put on my Bodise, but did not half lace them;
also my Petticoats, but did not tie them fast enough; for
when I came into the middle of the broad Street, my
Coats fell quite down from my hips, but as good luck
would have it, it was a dark Night, but the ill fortune
was, that my Coats fell down, when I was striding
over the broad Kennel, in which posture I stood a
great time, until the man helpt me over; but my Coats
were all wet.

Get-all

But what is all this to the Confession of the
Labouring Woman?

Inform

It is of concern; for Circumstance is partly a
declaring of truth.

Dick

You say true Mistress, wherefore go on.

Inform

But as I said――stay, I have forgot; where did I
leave?

Capt

You left at the wet Coats, Mistress.

Inform

’Tis very true, I humbly thank you Sir; The
Coats, as I said, being wet, I was loth to put them on, not
only for fear of catching cold, but for fear I should endanger
the Womans miscarriage by my retardments; so I
went with never a Coat on me, the Man carried them for
me; but the night was pretty warm, so that I got no Cold,
I thank Jupiter; but being more nimble, as being more
light, I was soon at the house of the Labouring Woman,
whom I found in painful throws, and she groaned most
pitifully; and I comforted her, and prayed her to have patience, R2v 64
patience, and at last she was brought to bed of a very lusty
Boy.

Get-all

But what did the Gentlewoman confess?

Inform

What Gentlewoman?

Get-all

This Gentlewoman.

Inform

This Gentlewoman hath confest that she was
never got with Child, nor never had a Child, but what
Mr. Get-all begot; and this I will take my Oath of.

Dick

How can you clear your self Mr. Get-all?

Get-all

I will take my Oath that I never did see this
Gentlewoman, about whom I am accused, in my life; and I
have a Servant here that can witness for me.

Dick

What can you witness?

Roger

I can witness that I have lived with my Master
these Twenty years, in all which time I did never see my
Master converse with any thing like a Woman.

Dick

Doth your Master keep no Servant-Maid?

Roger

There is one we call the Cook-maid, but whether
she be Maid or Woman, I’le take my Oath I know
not.

Dick

Then your Master may converse with Women
you know not of.

Roger

But I will swear my Master did never converse
with this Gentlewoman that hath the Child.

Get-all

And I will take my Oath, as I said, that I
never did so much as see her before now.

Capt

But may it please you, most Reverend Judge,
this Gentlewoman hath seen him.

Get-all

But the bare sight of me could not get her
with Child.

Capt

That is to be proved; wherefore we require so
much justice of this Reverend Judge, that Mr. Feel-pulse,
a most learned and expert Doctor of Physick, may prove
it by Argumentation.

Dick

Let Mr. Doctor prove it.

Will

Then be it known to this most Reverend Judge,
and to Mr. Get-all, and the rest of this Assembly, That
our Famous Doctor is of opinion, (as also the heads
of our Schools and Colledges) That the production of
Animal kind, is by an Incorporeal motion; and the famous
Doctor is also of opinion, That the Soul of Man
slides from the Stomack to the heel, and in that journey
makes a production: And all the Platonicks do affirm,
That there may be a Conjunction of Souls, although the
Bodies be at a far distance; and I am absolutely of that
opinion; and that the Idea of a Man, by the help of a
strong imagination, may beget a Child; which is sufficiently
proved; for she seeing Mr. Get-all enter into the house of
Mr. Inkhorn the Scrivener, viewed his person so exactly,
that when she was in bed, a strong imagination seized on
her, by which she conceived a Child.

Get-all

It seems the Child was begot like the Plague,
by conceit.

Dick

You say true, Mr. Get-all; wherefore you must
marry the Woman, own the Child, and keep them both.

Get-all

Is there no avoiding your Sentence, Mr.
Judge?

Judge

No, the Decree is past.

Get-all

Why then as she was got with Child by
Conceit, so I will marry her by Conceit.

Judge

But you must take her, and her Child home,
and maintain them.

Get-all

Cannot I maintain them by Conceit?

Judge

No, that must be done Corporally.

Get-all

If there be no remedy, I must be content; come
my Conceited or Platonick Wife and Child, let us go
home.

All

We wish you all Happiness.

Suiter

Madam, I suppose my Name is unknown to you?

Lady

’Tis probable Sir; for I never saw you
before.

Suit

Then I’le tell you, Madam, my Name is, Monsieur
Vanity.

Lady

Your Name shews that your Humour is Foolish,
and your actions Prodigal.

Suit

My Humour is noble, Madam, and my Actions
generous; for I usually cast away a hundred pounds at S2r 67
at Dice, and run away a hundred pounds at a Race, and
give away a hundred pounds at a Visit to a Mistress.

Lady

This last kind of Prodigality has some resemblance
to Generosity; but yet it is as different from Generosity,
as a Bribe is from an Uninteressed Gift. But pray
Sir, give me leave to ask you, what design brought you
hither to me?

Suit

A very good design, Madam; for I being vain,
and you rich, ’twould be very convenient we two should
joyn as Man and Wife, that one might maintain the
other.

Lady

Alas Sir, the Wife would soon die in her Husbands
arms; for Riches consume in Vanity; therefore, I
will as soon marry death, as you.

Suit. Sol

Death take her, if I cannot get her.

Lady

I am glad you are come to release me from the
importunity of my Suiters.

1 Gent

You are in a good Condition, Madam, that
you can have Lovers that seek you, when as we for want
of Wealth, are forced to seek them.

2 Gent

You mean Husbands, Madam, for Lovers
are never sought, because they are never lost; for a Lover
will always be at the tayl of his Mistress.

3 Gent

I wish I had as many as would make up a
Train.

Fath

Daughter, have you made your choice of a
Husband, since you have so many Suiters?

Daugh

No truly Sir, for the number confounds my
choice, or rather there is no choice in all the number, by
reason none exceeds the other, but they are all Fools
alike.

Fath

Indeed Daughter, if you be so long a chusing,
you will be past choice your self.

Daugh

I had rather be old with Judgment, then young
with Folly; and since you have been pleased to trust to
my discretion, I would not willingly betray that trust, by
the hast of my choice.

Fath

You speak well, Daughter; Heaven grant you
do well.

Daugh

But pray Sir give me leave to ask you one
question.

Fath

What’s that?

Daugh

I would fain know, whether my Lovers do first
address their Suits to you, or to me?

Fath

Their Suites they address first to you; but their
inquiries are made first to me; to wit, what Portion I
would give you, and whether I intend to settle all my
Estate upon you.

Daugh

It seems they consider my Wealth before
my Person.

Fath

Yes, and all Wooers do the like.

Daugh

But not Lovers Sir.

Fath

Yes, yes, for they wooe first, marry next, and
love last.

Suiter

Madam, I see you are a Beauty, and Report speaks
you Virtuous and Wise; which if so, I hope
you’l chuse an ancient Lover before a young one.

Lady

No question Sir, but an ancient Lover expresses
more Constancy in his Love, then a young one doth;
but ancient Love requires a great deal of time, and my
Father may die before I make my Choice.

Suit

You mistake me, Madam, I mean an ancient
Man that loves you.

Lady

There is great difference between an ancient
Man, and an ancient Lover: But Sir, by your Discourse
I perceive you pretend to be a Lover.

Suit

My Love is not pretended; for I do really
love you.

Lady

How can I know that?

Suit

By proof; for I’le not require any Portion
with you, since I am Rich enough without; Nay, I
will not only take you without a Portion, but make
you Mistress of all my Wealth, in so much that I will
freely give you all I am Worth; and I wish I were
worth Millions for your sake.

Lady

Sir, you express more Love in your Gifts, T then T1v 70
then all my young Suiters in their Words; and if you
will confirm your Promise to my Father, which you
have now made to me, I shall accept of you for a Husband,
and promise you, to be an honest and Loving
Wife.

Suit

Let us both go to your Father, and conclude
the bargain.

Serjeant

Is Doctor Cure-all so industrious about the old Lady
Riches?

Jack

Yes Sir, he was very busie in preparing of Cordials,
Ointments, and such things; and was angry that
I came with a Message from you; for he bid me be
gone; for the Lady, he said, could not hear Love-
Messages, she was so full of Sciatical pain and Gout;
but the old Lady did favour me, and chid the Doctor
for bidding me to be gone; for she would have heard my
Message, when her sides were anointed, and her Gouty
Toe Plaistered.

Serj

And did you stand by, till she was anointed?

Jack

Yes Sir, for she did desire me to help to anoint
her sides, whilst the Doctor laid a Plaister to her
Toe.

Serj

And how did she like your service?

Jack

So well, Sir, as she said, she was never better
chaft and rubbed in her life; I suppose it was for your
sake.

Serj

But when I am married, I shall not allow her
my Clerk to anoint her sides, although she be so old
to go upon Crutches.