The
Innocent Mistres.
A
Comedy.
As it was Acted, by
His Majesty’s Servants
At The
Theatre in
Little-Lincolns-Inn-Fields.
Written by Mrs. .
London,
Printed by J. Orme, for
R. Basset, at the
Miter within Temple-Bar,
and
F. Cogan in the
Inner-Templelane.16971697.
Names Represented.
Mr. Betteron Sir Charles Beauclair,
first a Younger Brother, marri’d
by his Friends, to a Rich ill-favour’d Widow, afterwards
Master of a great Estate, and in Love
with Bellinda.
Mr. Verbruggen Sir Francis Wildlove, his Friend.
Mr. Knap Searchwell his Man.
Mr. Hodgson
Beaumont
an honest Country Gentleman, Friend to
Sir Francis: and Lover of Arabella.
Mr. Bowman Spendall a Sharper; and hanger on to Sir Charles.
Mr. Freeman Lywell, a Rake, Companion to Spendal.
Mr. Bowen Cheatall,
a very foolish Fellow; Brother to the Lady
Beauclair.
Mr. Harris Gentil, his Man; an Ingenious Fellow.
Mr. Underhill Mr. Flywife, alias Allen, a Merchant.
Women.
Mrs. Barry Bellinda,
alias Mariamne, Daughter to the Lord Belmour.
Mrs. Bracegird Mrs. Beauclair, Niece to Sir Charles.
Mrs. Prince Arabella,
a young Lady, left to the Care of Cheatall’s
Father.
Mrs. Lee Lady Beauclair, an ill bred Woman.
Mrs. Howard Peggy, her Daughter, of the same Stamp.
Mrs. Lawson Eugenia, the Lady Beauclair’s Woman.
Mrs. Betty, Woman to Bellinda.
Mrs. Du Qua Dresswell, Woman to Mrs. Beauclair.
Mrs. Lassel Mrs. Flywife, kept by Flywife, and going by his Name.
Mrs. Willis Jenny, her Maid.
Drawers and Servants.
Prologue:
Spoken by Mr. Verbruggen, Written by Mr. Motteaux.
Mr. Verbruggen[Speaker label not present in original source]
“This season with what Arts both Houses strive, By your kind presence, to be kept alive! W’ have still new things, or old ones we revive; We plot, and strive to bring them first o’ th’ Stage, Like wary Pilot for his Weather gage. W’ have Every Act, and every week a Play; Nay, w’have had new ones studied for one Day; W’have double Duty, and w’ have but half Pay. VVW’ have scaling Monkies, and w’ have dancing Swans, To match our nimble cap’ring Chairs and Stands: There Opera’s with, and here without Machines: Here, Scenes well wrought, and there, well painted Scenes; Castles and Men i’ the’ Air, the World i’ th’ Moon, Where you, like Swallows fly, but soon y’ are gone. W’ve something ev’ry different Taste to hit, I gad, I think, w’ have ev’ry thing but Wit; For w’ have full Scenes, and w’ have an empty Pitt. Faith, Sirs, we scarce cou’d hope, you here wou’d be So num’rous, tho’ we have a new Comedy. For there’s in plays, you know, a Reformation (A thing to which y’ have no great inclination) I fear you’ll seek some loser Occupation. From those Lewd Poets all these mischiefs flow; They, like Drawcansirs, maul’d both Friend and Foe. Wou’d they’d been serv’d like their Plays long ago! All cautious Dons and Matrons hence they fear’d, And all this did they do, because they dar’d. Yet, that you’re hardn’d Sinners they may boast, The more they lash’d you, you seem’d tickled most. But now [Gap in transcription—6-7 wordsflawed-reproduction] their Plays. No Lady now will need to hide her face; But I’ll be hang’d if one i’th’ Gallery stays. To hear ill-natur’d Truths no more you’ll sit But mortifie an inoffensive Wit; Lord! how still we shall have you in the Pit! For I dare say, of what most pleas’d our Guests, Nine parts in Ten were still sheer Bawdy Jests. Methinks I see some here who seem to say Gad, e’re the Curtain’s drawn I’ll slip away; No Bawdy, this can’t be a Women’s Play. Nay, I confess there’s Cause enough to doubt, But, Faith, they say there was a deal cut out, Then stay and use it gently, some of you, Since to be maim’d y’ are somewhat subject too. Spare it, you who for harmless sports declare, Show that this age a modest Play can bear. Twice has our Poetess kind usage found; Change not her Fortune, tho’ she cang’d her Ground.”
Epilogue:
Spoken by Mr. Scudamore, Written by Mr. Motteaux.
Mr. Scudamore[Speaker label not present in original source]
“Sscriblers, like Bullies, sometimes huff the Pitt, Tho their feign’d Courage has an Ague Fit; But oftner, from a sense of their Condition, An Epilogue resembles a Petition. Thus they make Mr. Bays his Notion just; If Thunder cannot save them, Halters must. Which way to use, I swear, I do not know; Huffing’s too haughty, Cringing is too low. I’ll use the middle way; perhaps ’twill do, At least, I fancy, ’tis most lik’d by you. Thus then to ev’ry Judge of Wit I bow; (I hope all the Audience think I mean them now). If so, you’ll scorn to judge of Woman’s Wit; Tho’ in Wit’s Court the worst of Judges sit, Sure none dare try such puny Causes yet. Faith, if you’re strict, now there’s a Reformation, We’ve sworn t’invitte the grave part of the Nation; Rich Sparks with broad-brim-hats and little Bands. Who’ll clap dry Morals till they hurt their Hands; Nice Dames? who’ll have their Box as they’ve their Pew. And come each Day, but not to ogle you: No, each side Box shall shine with sweeter Faces; None but Chains, Gowns and Coifs shall have their Places, Their Chit-chat News, Stockjobbing, and Law-Causes. The Middle-Fry shall in the Gall’ry sit, And humh whatever against Cuckold’s Writ. And City Wives from Lectures throng the Pit. Their Daughters Fair with Prentice trudge it hither, And throng as they do Lambeth-Wells this weather. Then all thus stor’d, tho’ Money’s scarce this age, We need not fear t’ have a Beau-crowded Stage. So, for new guests we’ll change, just as our Beaus Wear Doyly-Stuff, for want of better Cloths.”
Act I.
[Sir Francis Wildlove in his Chamber Dressing.]Sir Fran
Searchwell!
Search
―― Sir.
Sir Fran
Get me some Small Beer, and dash a little Langoone
in it; else ’twill go down my burning Stomach ten
degrees
colder than ice: I should have met my old
Friend and Collegian Beaumont,
who came to Town last night, but Wine and Women
drove it clear out of my
Head.
Search
Sir, he’s here.
Sir Fran
Welcome dear Friend, I prithee pardon my omission,
faith ’twas
business that could not be left to
other hands.
Beau
Women I suppose, and that excuse I know a Man of
your kidney
thinks almighty.
Sir Fran
Even so well by my Life, I am heartily glad to see
you, why thou
hast been an age confin’d to barren
Fields and senceless Groves, or
Conversation
stupid and dull as they: How
canst thou waste thy Youth, happy
Youth, the very
Quintessence of Life from
London, this dear Epitome of
pleasure?
Beau
Because excess of drinking cloys my Stomach, and
Impudence in Women
absolutely turns it; then I
hate the vanity of Dress and Flattering, where
eternal Noise and Nonsence reigns; this
consider’d, what should I do here?
Sir Fran
Not much in troth.
Beau
But you, my Friend, run the Career your appetite directs,
taste all those
pleasures I despise, you can
inform me what humour’s most in fashion, what
ruling whim, and how the Ladies are.
Sir Fran
Why faith there’s no great alteration, the Money is
indeed very
much scarcer, yet what perhaps you’l
think a wonder, dressing and debauchery
increases; as for the Damosels, three sorts make a
Bushel,
and will
be uppermost: First, there’s
your common Jilts will oblige every body.
Beau
These are Monsters sure.
Sir Fran
You may call ’em what you please, but they are very
plentiful, I
promise you: The next is your kept
Mistress, she’s a degree modester, if not
kind
to each, appears in her dress like Quality, whilst her
ogling eyes, and
too frequent Debauches discovers
her the younger Sister only to the first.
Beau
This I shou’d hate for Ingratitude.
Sir Fran
The third is, not a Whore, but a brisk airy, noisy
Coquette,
that lives upon treating, one Spark has her
to the Play, another to the
Park, a third to
Windsor, a fourth to some other
place of Diversion; She has
not the heart to grant
’em all favours, for that’s their design at the bottom
of the Treats, and they have not the heart to marry
her, for that’s her design
too Poor
Creature. So perhaps a year, or it may be two, the gaudy
Butterfly flutters around the Kingdom, then if a
foolish Citt does not take compassion,
sneaks into a Corner, dies an Old Maid, despised and
forgotton.
The Men that fit those Ladies are your
Rake, your Cully, and your Beaux.
Beau
I hope sir Fra. Wildlove has more
honour than to find a Mistres
amongst such Creatures.
Sir Fran
Gad honest honourable Ned, I
must own I have a fling at all, sometimes
I
think it worth my while to make a Keeper Jealonus, frequently treat
the Coquette,
’till either she grows upon me, or I grow weary of her;
then
’tis but saying a rude thing, she quarrels, I
fly to the next Bottle, and there
for ever drown her remembrance.
Beau
’Tis pitty that the most noblest Seeds of Nature are
most prone to
Vice.
Sir Fran
Such another grave Speech wou’d give me a fit of the Colick.
Beau
Well I find ’tis in vain to tell you my Story, without I
have a desire
to be swingingly laught at.
Fran
Nay, Nay, why so, I’d sacrifice my life to serve my friend.
Beau
To confess the truth, I’m in Love.
Sir Fran
Is that such a wonder why I have been so a thousand times? old boy.
Beau
Ay, but desperately, vertuously!
Sir Fran
There the Case differs, I doubt friend you have apply’d
your self
to a wrong Man.
Beau
Are you not acquainted with Sir Charles Beauclair?
Sir Fran
Yes, intimately.
Beau
Then, in short, his Lady and a Booby Brother of her’s
have got my
Mistress in their power; she was the
Daughter of an Eminent Merchant,
one Sir
George Venturewell, who dying left
her to the care of my Lady
Beauclair’s
Father; he
prov’d like most Guardians, a great Knave, forg’d a
Will,
which gave my Arabella
nothing, unless she married this two-leg’d thing his
Son; some of her friends contested with ’em, but
the Lawyers roguery,
through the Guardians wealth
prevail’d, and she is again in their possession;
the old Fellow is dead, but the Sister and Brother
pretend to manage her.
Sir Fran
Your case is desperate, and I fear Sir
Charles can do you but little
service in’t.
Beau
Why, he lives with his Wife.
Sir Fran
Yes, modestly, he knows nothing of her concerns, and
desires
she shou’d know nothing of his: did you
never hear of her Character?
Beau
No.
Sir Fran
She is certainly the most disagreeable of the
whole Sex, has neither
Sense, Beauty or good
Manners; then her humour is so implacable, she
hunted her first Husband into the
Indies, where he dy’d, Heaven knows
when
or how.
Beau
What the Devil made Sir Charles Marry her?
Sir Fr
Even that tempting Devil Interest, she was vastly
Rich, he a younger
Brother, since the Estate
and title of his Family is fallen to him, and I
dare
swear he’d willingly give a Leg or an Arm to be freed
from the intolerable
Plague of a Wife, whom no
Mortal can please.
Serv
Sir Charles Beauclair is coming to wait upon your Honour.
Sir Fran
I am glad on’t, I fancy there’s a sympathy in your
humours, that
will soon excite a friendship, for
he notwithstanding the provocation of an
ugly
Scolding Wife at home, and the Temptation of a good
Estate, and a
handsome Fellow into the bargain,
instead of making his life easie with jolly
Bona-robars, dotes on a
Platonick Mistress, who never allows him greater
favours than to read Plays to her, kiss her hand, and
fetch Heart-breaking
Sighs at her Feet; with her he
has oblig’d his charming Neice to be, almost
always; Faith nothing but the horrible fear of Matrimony
before my
eyes keeps me from loving
Mrs. Beauclair, she is pretty
without affectation,
has but just pride enough to
become her, and gravity enough to secure her
from
Scandal: to all this add twelve thousand Pounds in ready
Money.
Sir Charl
And is not that last the most prevailing Argument, ha, Frank?
Sir Fran
No, Sir Charles, Chains of Gold wont
tempt my freedom from
me, but here’s a Gentleman, fixt
in the dull matrimonial rode, uneasie if he
meets
with interruption, though it throws him on the flowry
fields of liberty,
he’s my particular friend, and
labours under the pangs of disappointed
Love, ’tis
in your power to assist him in his delivery; I know
you are compassionate
in these cases.
Sir Charl
You may promise for me to the utmost, I am ready.
Beau
Fame reports you a true English Gentleman.
Sir Charl
You may Command me, Sir.
Spendal
[asideto Sir Charles]
Dear Sir Charles, lend me one Guinea more, the Estate’s Intail’d, my Father will die, and I shall get an Heiress.
Sir Char
Here take it, and leave lying:.
Spend
I’ll be with you again at Dinner.
Sir Char
I don’t question it.
Sir Fran
Searchwell, has there been no Letters for me, this Morning?
Searchw
No, Sir.
Sir Fran
Stay you at home, and if there come one, find me out with
it.
Searchw
I will Sir.
Sir Fran
Come Sir Charles, shall we to the
Chocolate-house, there you shall
here
Mr. Beaumont’s Story.
Sir Char
With all my heart; hark you Sir
Francis, I have an
Entertainment
of excellent Musick promised me
this afternoon, you know I cannot have it at home, so I
have borrowed some Apartments of obliging
Mrs.
Bantum, the Indian Woman, and
will try to prevail with the Ladies to come.
Sir Fran
Dear Sir Charles Introduce me.
Sir Char
You’l think your hours thrown away in the Company of
civil
Women.
Sir Fran
Faith I scarce dare trust your Neices eyes, they gain
too much upon
my heart. I am always forc’d, after
I have seen her, to have recourse to
the Glass,
to secure my self from Romantick Constancy.
Beau
Now you talk of Romances, Introth I think I’m a perfect
Knight Errant,
for besides my own Lady, I’m in
quest of another fair Fugitive, by the
desire of
her Father: Have you not heard of the Death of my Lord
Belmour’s
Heir, and absence of his only Daughter Mariamne?
Sir Fran
Yes, yes.
Beau
The old Lord has given me her Picture, with an earnest
Petition,
that I wou’d endeavour to find her; he
prest me so, I cou’d not refuse it,
though I
have small probability of my side.
Sir Fran
She’s now a prodigious Heiress, what cou’d be the
meaning of running
from all her Friends.
Beau
Too Studious for her Sex, and fell upon the Seducers of
the Women,
Plays, and Romances, from thence she
form’d her self a Hero, a Cavilier,
that could
Love and talk like them; whilst her Father without
consulting
her, provided a Husband, Rich, but
wanting all Scudries
Accomplishments,
this Man she call’d
Monster, and finding the Marriage unavoidable,
took
her Jewels and what Money was in her Power, and in the
Stage-Coach
fled to this Populous Wilderness, if
that can be proper, for here we are in
Crowds
conceal’d, as well as in a Desart.
Sir Fran
’Twas strange.
Sir Char
I pity her, for I hate an Innocent inclination crost.
Serv
Sir, your Coach is ready.
Sir Fran
Allons Gentlemen.
Bell
In vain I fly to Books, the tuneful Numbers give me not a
moments
ease: In vain I’ve strove to walk in Virtues
high, unerring paths; blind,
rash inconsiderate
Love, has pusht me from the blissfull state, and
fixt me
[Enter Mrs.
Beauc.]
strugling ’midst ten thousand dangers:
Here sweet Bard,
thou suites me well;[Opening the Book.]
My anxious hours roul heavily away, Depriv’d of Sleep by Night or Peace by Day.
Mrs. Beau
Poor disconsolate Damosel, come leave this soft
melancholly Poetry,
it nurses your Disease.
Bell
You, indeed, like a bright Ray of comfort, shoot
through my endless
night; where’s my dear destruction?
Mrs. Beau
Mr. Spendall said he would be here at noon.
Bell
He’s ever here, I feel him busie at my Heart, and when
the wisht minute
of his approach comes on,
every Artery catches the Convulsive Joy.
Dost not
thou think me mad?
Mrs. Beau
A little crais’d or so, my dear.
Bell
Bedlam, o’re this, had been my proper mansion if your
seet Company
had not composed my jarring
thoughts, and given the warring Torments
Intervals of rest.
Mrs. Beau
I muust confess, tho I am wild to
the very verge that Innocence
allows,
B3r
5
allows, yet when my Uncle, that dear good man, told
me, if ’er I meant to oblige
him I must be a
Companion, Friend, and Lover of his Mistress. The
proposition
startled me, but then I did not
think there had been such a Mistress as
my
Bellinda, nor Platonick Love in real practice.
Bell
True, my dear Friend, our Love is to the Modern Age,
unpractic’d
and unknown; yet so strict and so
severe, are rigid Honour’s Laws, that tho’
not
grosly, yet we still offend: had not Fate fixt a bar
unpassable between us,
how shou’d I have blest
the accident that brought us first acquainted.
Mrs. Beau
You never told me the Story.
Bell
In short, ’twas thus; coming from the Play, mask’d with
a Young Lady,
a fluttering Fellow seized me,
and spight of y intreaties grew rudely
troublesome; I was never used to such Behaviour,
and it throughly frighted
me; Sir
Charles being near, saw my
unfeigned concern, and generously made
the brute
desist, then led me safely to a Coach, observing
where I bid the
Coachman drive, he came to wait upon
me, my fair Friend agen was with me
and ’twas by her
perswasions that I saw him: we found his
conversation nicely
civil and full of Innocent
delight, I blush’d, and fondly thought this man
my
Amorous Stars in kindness destin’d for my happiness, but
oh!――
Mrs. Beau
But Oh, he was married, and that spoiled all.
Bell
Therein I only can accuse him of deceit: He kept his
marriage a fatal
Secret till I had lost the
power to banish him.
Mrs. Beau
I prithee dear Bellinda where wer’t
thou bred; I’m sure this
Lewd Town never gave you
such nice notions of honour.
Bell
My Friendship bars you of nothing but enquiring who I am.
Mrs. Beau
’Tis true I beg your Pardon and am silent.
Bell
Only this I’ll tell you, Madam, and as a warning never
resolve, although
you think it fully in your
power, to keep your resolution. Mark it in
me, I
that thought to have stood the fairest pattern of my
Sex; and would
have blotted all the annals of guilty
Love, yet now am lost fonder of my
Beauclair than of Family or Fame,
yet know him married, and Divine and humane
Laws
against me.
Mrs. Beau
For Humane Laws, I know not what to say, but sure
Heaven
had no concern, ’twas a detested
match. Ruling Friends and Curst Avarice
joyned this
unthinking youth to the worst of Women: But no more of
this
how d’ye like your new Lodgings? The House is
very large, have you no
good Neighbours?
Bell
You know ’tis not my way to be acquainted; my impertinet
maid sometimes
teases me with a relation of a
Merchant and pretty Lady; who came
from the
Indies and Lodge here.
Mrs. Beau
What are they, Mrs. Betty?
Bett
Nay, my Lady will ne’er hear me out; but I’m sure they
are worth
any Bodies observation, he looks like a
Surly, Old, Rich Cuff, and she like an
Intriguing
Beautiful Jilt, as fine as a Queen covered with Jewels.
Bell
Ha’ done with your Description, I’m sick of ’em both.
Mrs. Beau
Lord, you are so peevish, pray give me leave to ask
Mrs. Betty
little more
Questions about ’em, what’s his name?
Bett
An odd one Madam, they call him Mr. Flywife.
Mrs. Beau
An odd one indeed, and contradicting his Actions when
such a
fine Dame belongs to him.
Bell
Thou art a little Gossip to trouble thy head with
other peoples Affairs;
I heard news of you,
Madam, the other day, they say you are in Love,
for
all your seeming indifference.
Mrs. Beau
Yes, introth I am a little that way inclined; but my
Spark is indeed
too far from your
Cassandra rules, his
Mistresses are neither Angels nor
Godesses;
truly SrSir Francis
Wildlove is too mad even for me; tho’ the
Devil’s
in’t, I can’t forbear thinking of the Rambler.
Bell
Your Vertue and Beauty may reclaim him.
Mrs. Beau
It may be so; but I doubt he don’t like Reforming
[Enter Sir
Charles.]
so well as to try it. Ha, see who appears comely
as rising day
amidst ten thousand eminently
known Bellinda this Heroic is
designed for you,
tho’ somewhat barren of
Invention, I was forc’d to borrow it.
Bell
Chearful, and thy mind at ease, happy Girl.
Sir Charles
[taking Bell’s hand]My Blessing.
Bell
My Fate, which I shou’d, but cannot curse.
Sir Char
Cousin I’m glad to find you here, you shall help
perswade Bellinda
to go
abroad; I have promised to bring you both to
Mrs. Bantums, I have
provided a
trifle of a Dinner, and Excellent Musick for
digestion; there’s only
a Country Gentleman and
Sir Francis, I know you love Sir
Francis Neice.
Bell
You may be mistaken Sir; grant I did, wou’d you have me
meet him?
dear Uncle, don’t make me so ridiculous.
Sir Char
I thought Neice you durst have trusted me with your
Conduct, my
Friends are no Brainless Beaux, no Lady
Libellers, that extend innocent Favours,
and
bespatter the Reputations they cannot ruine.
Mrs. Beau
Then you think your Friend Sir Francis a very modest man.
Sir Char.
No, my Dear, but your mildest men, if they have
sence, as I am
sure he has, know how to treat
Women of Honour.
Mrs. Beau
Nay, I’m soon convinc’d, what say you, Madam?
Bell
I will go; for perhaps, Sir Charles,
you think I’ve only invented Fears
of being known, but
you’ll surely find, if any Accident discovers me, I
shall
be seen by you no more.
Sir Char.
See thee no more! yes, I would see thee, tho’ barr’d by
foreign
or domestick Foes; set on thy side
Father or Husband, on mine Wife and
Children, I’d
rush through all Nature’s Tyes to gaze on thee, to
satisfie the
longings of my Soal, and please my
fond desiring Eyes.
Bell
Chide him Beauclair, let him not talk thus.
Mrs. Beau
Before he came you were at it; what can I say to two mad Folks?
Spend
Your Servant Ladies. Sir Charles, is
it not Dinner-time? I am as
hungry as a ――
Mrs. Beau
Horse, I know the old expression; were I my Uncle,
I’d as
soon build an Hospital for the lazy, as
undertake to satisfie thy voracious Appetite.
Sir Char
How hast thou of late disoblig’d my Neice, that she
is so severe
upon thee?
Spend
Only told her Ladiship a Truth she could not bear.
Mrs. Beau
A Truth from thee, I rather think I could not hear it.
Spend
I said, a she Wit was as great a Wonder as a
Blazing-star, and as
certainly foretold the World’s
turning upside down; yet ’spight of that the
Lady
will write.
Mrs. Beau
Brute! what did I ever write, unless it was thy Character, and
that was so adroit, you had like to hang’d your self?
Sir Char
For my sake, Cousin, forbear.
Mrs. Beau
Let him take pett and not come to Dinner to day, if he
thinks
fit, ’tis not I that care.
Spend
No, I will come.
Mrs. Beau
That I would have sworn.
Spend
To give occasion, that you may draw this shining
weapon Wit; it
will dazzle the Assembly; if it
pierces only me, no matter.
Mrs. Beau
Stuff, pshaw, will you come, Madam, and put on your things?
Sir Char
Dear Spendall, I must beg of you
to step to our House, I made my
Wife a kind of
Promise to dine with her to day.
Spend
What shall I say?
Sir Char
Say I am gone o Court, she loves the Thoughts of being
great,
tho’ most unfit for’t.
Spend
But you know you promis’d to carry her Daughter Miss
Peggy with
you next time you went
thither.
Sir Char
True; say I’m gone to the Tower:
I’m call’d, [Bellinda within,
Bellinda[Speaker label not present in original source]Are you ready?]
say any thing the Devil puts into your Head.
Spend
Yes, I shall say what the Devil puts into my Head,
but not what you
expect: Am I not then ungrateful? Has
he not for several months fed,
cloath’d and
supported me? But what for, to be a meer Letter-carrier,
an
honourable Pimp for Platonick
Love? He shall find I can employ my Parts
better;
he trusts me for his pleasure, and I’ll betray him for
mine.
Ha, Lyewell! why come you hither?
Lyew
Phough, I saw Sir Charles and the
Ladies go out: besides, I want
Mony; I did not
serve you so, when I was in my Lord
Worthy’s Family.
Spend
Prithee don’t be so surly, here’s a Crown for thee,
but I expect some
Service for’t: Is there ever a
Strumpet in you Catalogue so well bred as to
write?
Lyew
All the Whores in Town can scrawl if that will do.
Spend
Let one of ’em send immediately a nameless Letter to
my Lady
Beauclair, and inform
her, That Sir Charles will be to day
at Mrs. Bantums
with a Whore,
between three and four, by that hour, lest she come
too soon
and disturb our Dinner. Well, the
Heiress is coming, I shall make thee
amends.
Lyew
Ay, when you marry Mrs. Beauclair.
Spend
Hang her; I hinted Love but once, and she has abus’d me
ever since.
I have no luck with the Wits, now I have
better Chase in view, a wealthy
Fool, a Fool the
Perquisite of a Sharper. Come with me, and I’ll
instruct you
further.
Mrs. Flyw
O how happy am I, to breath again my native
London Air!
I vow the Smoak of
this dear Twon delights me more than all the Indian
Groves: happy too
in meeting with one like thee; thou understand’st
Intrigues,
art cunning, subtile, as all our Sex
ought to be, who deal with those
deluders Men.
Jenn
Then your Ladiship lik’d not the Indies.
Mrs. Flyw
How was’t possibble I shou’d? Our Beaux was the
Refuse of
Newgate, and our
Merchants the Offspring of foolish plodding Cits.
Jenn
Why went you, Madam?
Mrs. Flyw
So great is my Opinion of your Faith, I dare trust you
with
all my past life: My Friends bred me at a
Boarding-school, and dy’d when I
was but fourteen,
leaving me nothing for my Portion but Pride and a few
tawdry Clothes; I was a forward Girl, and bartering
what I had not the
Wit to prize, a never to be
recover’d Fame was soon maintain’d in Finery,
Idleness, and darling Pleasure, but the deceitful
Town grew weary of me
sooner than I expected, and I
sick of that, seeing other new Faces preferr’d
before me; so picking up some Moneys, and a
handsome Garb, I ventur’d
to Jamaica.
Jenn
Madam, I hear my Master unlock his Study.
Mrs. Flyw
Oh Heavens! and this foolish Story put Sir
Francis Wildlove’s
Letter quite
out of my Mind. Have you writ as I directed?
Jenn
Yes, Madam.
Mrs. Flyw
Give me the Letter and be gone, I would not have him
think
us great.
Come Fubby, will you go into the Dining-room the Chocolate is ready.
Mr. Flyw
And you, methinks, are ready too, Madam; beyond Sea ’twas
a courted Favour, dress’d seldom, and careless;
but since arriv’d at this
damn’d Town, no cost,
nor pains is spar’d; Curse upon my doating Folly,
that listen’d to your Prayers, and spight of my
Oath and strong Aversion,
brought you back to the
high road of Hell.
Mrs. Flyw
Is then my try’d Constancy suspected? Did I for
this deny
the richest Planters of the place, who
courted me in an honest lawful way,
and would have
parted with their Wealth, dearer than their Souls, to have
call’d
me Wife, whilst I, slighting all their Offers, gave up
my unsullied
Bloom to you, only on your protested
Love leaving Jamaica, fled with you
to a remoter World, because you said your
Circumstance was such, that if
you liv’d with me,
your English Friends must believe you dead.
Mr. Flyw
Well, and what was my Return to all this boasted
Kindness?
You may remember, Madam, your Cargo was
sunk so low, ’twould scarce
afford at the next
Ships approach another London
Topping; when I without
a hated Lock for Life pour’d
on ye more Riches than all your
Husband-pretenders
joyn’d together could aim at,
gave you such a separate Fortune, that
indeed I
was forc’d to obey your Desires in coming into
England, lest you
should
do’t without my Leave.
Mrs. Flyw
Well, well, thou art a good Boy, prithee no more
wrangling
Fubby; I vow
and swear to morrow I’ll be as great a Slattern as ever
was, if
that will please you, so I will.
Mr. Flyw
Ay, and want to go out to day, for all the gazing Fops to
admire,
tho’ I have told you, I can’t appear till
I have enquir’d into my affairs,
then to morrow, if
you stay at home with me, Sackcloth will serve turn.
Mrs. Flyw
Lord, you are so froppish, if I was your Wife, sure
Fubby, you
would not be so jealous.
Mr. Flyw
My Wife quotha! no, no, I was once bewitch’d, but I found
such a Plague, that ―― No more Wives, I say.
Mrs. Flyw
Well, I’ll be any thing to please
Fubby; Will you go in? Our
Breakfast will be cold.
Mr. Flyw
[takes up the Letter]I’ll follow you.
Ha! what’s here? a Sonnet, I’ll warrant; her gaping
abroad has brought
this: A Letter of her own, only the
Hand is scrawl’d to disguise it.
[reads]
“If I were convinc’d your
Passion was real, perhaps you might have no cause
to complain:”
(fine advancing Devil)
“be constant and discreet,
you’ll find none of our Sex ungrateful.”
By thy burning Lust that’s a damn’d Lye, for thou art thy
self a most
ungrateful Jilt: I’ll catch her now,
e’re the Devil can be at her Elbow to invent
a
Lye, and if one wheedling Tongue does not destroy all my
Senses, she
shall feel my Rage.
Serv
Sir, the Captain comes to bring you News your Ship is
safe in the
River.
Mr. Flyw
Be damn’d, there let it sink.
Serv
Shall I tell him so, Sir?
Mr. Flyw
Jackanapes, I’ll come to him. Is it impossible in
Nature to be
happy with or without a Woman? If they
are virtuous they are peevish, ill-
natur’d, proud
and coy;
If fair and complaisant, they please as well: For then, by Heav’n, they are as false as Hell.
The end of the First Act.
Act II.
[Enter Mrs. Flywife and Jenny.]Mrs. Flyw
Ha, ha, ha! I can’t forbear laughing at your great concern.
Jenn
O madam, if you did but see what a passion my
master was in, you would not be so merry; he was
like to beat the Sea Captain,
tho’ he brought him
the good news of his Ships arrival.
Mrs. Flyw
Pho, mind what I say, and fear not; I warrant you
shall have
the Letter again, and liberty to find Sir
Francis Wildlove with it.
Jenn
Madam, he comes.
Mrs. Flyw
Well, well, be sure you do it handsomly. [Sings.]
Never, never let her be your Wife.
That was loud that he might think me merry;
speak hussy.
Jenn
[crying]Pray, madam, search again; I have been a month of
writing
on’t, and took it out of a Book too; the man
has sent me forty, before I could
make shift to
answer one till now: Oh! oh!
Mrs. Flyw
Prithee don’t tease me, I dropt it, ’tis gone, I’ll
write another
for you, since you say the man is
for a Husband, and can so well maintain
you; be quiet.
Mr. Flyw
What’s this? faith not improbable, ’tis not my Damosels
hand
now I have consider’d on’t again.
[Aside.]
Jenn
I had rather have lost my best Petticoat by half.
Mrs. Flyw
Cease your noise, or leave the Room.
Mr. Flyw
What’s the matter? having no occasion for a Quarrel,
will be
Money in my Pocket, I am sure.
[Aside.]
Mrs. Flyw
Why Fubby, this foolish Wench, it seems, has a
Country Lover,
and beg’d of me to direct a Letter
to him, which in troth I have lost,
so she
howls, that’s all, Fubby.
Mr. Flyw
And I have found it: Come Jenny, to
make amends for your Sorrow,
I’ll write the
Superscription; Whither is it to go?
Jenn
[aside to her Mistris]Madam, Madam.
Mrs. Flyw
O, I think I remember; — to Jeoffrey
Scatterlove, at the
Bull-
Inn in
Cambridge: so seal it and carry
it, for these silly Girls never think it
safe,
unless they give it into the Post-house
themselves, but make haste.
Jen
Have I got thee again, my dear sweet Letter? [kissing it.]
Mrs. Flyw
A Very raw foolish Girl this, my Dear.
Mr. Flyw
Faith Puggy, there had like to have bin a Quarrel; I was
almost
afraid that Letter was a piece of Gallantry
of yours.
Mrs. Flyw
Ay, ay, you are alwaies suspecting me, when Heaven
knows I am
such a poor constant Fool, I never so
much as dream of any man but my own
dear Fubby: Fubby,
let I go.
Mr. Flyw
No, no, I’ll run away, I won’t hear you, I won’t hear you. [Exit.]
Mrs. Flyw
Then I’ll follow, and I am sure prevail. Oh, had my Sex
but
half my Cunning, the deceivers would find
themselves deceiv’d; from my
Gallants I never found,
but gave ’em killing Charms.
Fools! when we love, our Liberties we lose; But when belov’d, with ease we pick and chuse.
La. Beauc
Brother, I say you’re a Fool.
Cheat
Fool in your Face. ―― I’m no more a fool than your
self. ――
What would you have a man do? ――
Must I ravish her? Don’t I know
Accessories
have bin hang’d! and here you’d
have me Principal! what, I understandstand
C2r
11
Law, ―― I won’t hang for your pleasure.
La. Beauc
Yes, you understand Law ――
D’ye understand
parting with a good Estate, which you must do if you
han’t
this Arabella? Don’t tell
me of Ne— Ne— Necessaries, I say you
shall marry
her.
Cheat
Ay, but the Craft will be in catching, as the Saying is:
why, I went
but e’en now to take her by the
Lilly-white Hand, as the Poet has it, and she
threw
a whole dish of scalding-hot Tea full in my face,
Dish and all Couusin
Peggy saw her; she call’d her
all the names in Christendom;
she’ll tell ye the
same.
La. Beauc
Ah poor Peggy! ay, she don’t love
to see you abus’d; ――
were that Minks like
Peggy, you were but too happy. Well
―― when will
you give Peggy
that Diamond Necklace? The Sparks are almost mad for
her, ―― she has the Lord knows how many
Sweethearts; there’s Squire
— what d’ye call him?
Cheat
[aside]So, now she’s got upon her Daughter’s Sweethearts
— she’ll
ne’ever ha’ done.
La. Beauc
There’s Sir John Empty, and
Mr. Flutter, and
Capt. Noisy, say the
finest
things to her, but the Wench is so coy, and my Rogue of a
Husband
will let none of ’em come home to her, but
calls ’em Fops, and Boars, and
the Lord knows what.
Cheat
O Lord, Boars! Beaux you mean. ―― O Lord, Boars!
La. Beauc
Well, she has of all sorts, ―― and if there be
twenty Women
in company, all the rout is made
about her; and the Girl doth so blush
――I vow
and swear it makes her look woundy handsom.
Cheat
Ay, you call’d me fool, but I’ll be hang’d if ye dan’t
make a fool of
her, mark the end on’t; marry her to
some honest Tradesman, that’s fittest
for her.
La. Beauc
Pray don’t you trouble your musty Pate about her: No,
she scorns a Citizen, she would not have my Lord
Mayor’s Son; she’s a Girl
of discretion: I was
married young too and I look’d after all my first
Husband’s
Affairs.
Cheat
[aside]True, [Gap in transcription—2-3 charactersflawed-reproduction] he went the Lord knows whither to be quiet.
La. Beauc
Indeed this young fellow is not worthy the Name of a
Husband;
I have a good mind to let the World know what
a deceitful piece ’tis.
Peg
Mother! mother!
La. Beauc
What’s the matter Child?
Peg
Here’s Mrs. Arabella does nothing
but jeer and abuse me; she says eating
between meals will spoil my Shape, and I snatch’d a
Book out of her hand,
and she said a Primmer was
fitter for me.
La. Beauc
I’ll never endure this, how dare she affront my Daughter?
Cheat
So, I’m like to have a fine life, nothing but scolding
and noise, for
my part, I’d rather not
marry at all: if she is thus randy beforehand what
will she be afterwards? In a short time I shall
be made Ballads on, and my
Picture set before ’em
just like the Summons to Horn-fair.
La. Beauc
Yes, yes, you shall marry her; and we’ll tame her too,
I’ll warrant
you.
Peg
Here she comes, here she comes, as mad as a Turky-cock.
Arab
Why am I us’d thus? Your Servants are forbid to call me
either
Coach or Chair; Are you my Jaylor? You, Oaf, I
speak to.
Cheat
Mistress, ’twould be better for you if you had other
words in your
mouth, I’ll tell you that.
Peg
You shan’t gallop your ――
La. Beauc
Hold Peggy, let me
speak. ――What’s the reason, Mrs. Arabella,
you take this Privilege here? ――You know
your Fortune is at our
dispose, so shall your
Person be else you must expect nothing.
Arab
Had I but heard your Characters, I’d sooner have been
expos’d a
Beggar in this inhospitable World, than e’er set my Feet
within your
Doors.
La. Beauc
I’d have you to know our Corecters are honest
Corecters; I
wish yours prove so.
Cheat
Don’t provoke me, I say, don’t.
Arab
Why? you won’t beat me, ―― I hear there is a
sensible Man
amongst ye, I’ll appeal to him, if you’d let me see him.
La. Beauc
That’s my Husband you mean; ―― No, you shan’t see
him,
nor such as you are, if I can help it.
Peg
What I would you see my Vather-in-law, to tell Lies
and Stories to
him? No, no, don’t mistake your self.
Arab
Away, you smell of Aqua Mirabilis.
La. Beauc
Oh Impudence! She smell of strong Waters! She hates
it. ――
Come hither Peggy, let me
smell, thy Breath us’d to be as sweet as any
Cows.
Peg
[aside]What shall I do? I’ve been at my Mother’s Bottle; I won’t
come to satisfie her nor you neither. What ails ye, — d’ye
know?
Arab
No, don’t, Miss. ―― Well, since I must have
neither Attendance
nor Conveniency, I’ll go a-foot.
Cheat
Hold ye, hold ye, you are not gone yet, as the Saying is.
[Takes her by the Arm.]Arab
Was ever Usage like this?
La. Beauc
Your Usage has been but too good, let me tell you that;
I’ll show
you such Usage as you
deserve. Hug —
Uggun, ―― what a Devil is your
Name? I hate a Wench with a hard Name.
[Enter Eugenia.]
Here, lock up Mrs. “Flippant”
in the dark Room.
Peg
[jumping about]Ay, lock her up, lock her up, I say.
Cheat
[grinning in her Face]Yet, Mrs. Bella, be rul’d by me,
―― give
me one sweet look; and let me take a Hony Kiss, and you
shan’t be lock’d
up; ―― No, you shan’t be lock’d up, ―― but go abroad
with me, and
have your Bellyful of Cakes and Custards. — Shall I?
―― Shall I?
Arab
Thre’s the Kiss; and for a Look, I wish my Eyes were Basilisks.
[Strikes him.]Peg
O Lord, Mother, how she swears!
Cheat
Oh my Chops, my Chops! lock her up; hang her, she’s a Fury.
La. Beauc
Abominable! come hither, hath she hurt ye?
Arab
Oh Eugenia! last night, when you
heard my Story, you, in gentle
pity, wept; ―― Assist me now, or I’m lost.
Eugen
Have Patience, Madam, and believe me yours.
La. Beauc
[aside to her Brother]I say, keep the Key your self, I don’t like
her greatness with the Maid.
Cheat
’Tis locking up, I fear ’tis against Law, Sister.
La. Beauc
Pho, I fear nothing; — Are not you a Squire, and
rich? —
you’re above the Leaw.
Cheat
Ay; but Knights ha’ been hang’d, — I dread hanging
— I tremble
alwaies when I think on’t.
La. Beauc
Hang’d! there’s no danger of being hang’d; what, —
ha’ ye
no Courage?
Cheat
Yes, I have Courage, and that she shall find; my
Injuries, as I have
read it, steel my
Eyes. Mrs. Arabella, ―― I could
swear the Peace against
you, and have you before a Justice; ―― but I will spare
you the Shame, and
punish you my self: ―― Come along.
Arab
Resistance is in vain, ―― but I will be
reveng’d, or kill my
self.
Cheat
Ay, ay, kill your self, and then I shall have your
Estate, without being
troubl’d with your Person. ―― I’ll humble you.
Arab
And Heaven punish thee.
Cheat
“Don’t trouble your musty Pate” about
Heaven, (as my
Sister says)
but come along.
Peg
Away with her, away with her.
Arab
I take Heaven and Earth to witness, I believe you
design to murder
me.
Cheat
There’s no such Design; besides your Witnesses
are not valid, ――
I never heard their Evidence go in any Tryal in all my life.
La. Beauc
No, it is not to murder ye, but make ye better: No more
words, but let it be done.
Peg
I’m glad she’s to be lock’d up, ―― for had any
Gentleman come to
see me, she’s so pert, her Tongue would ha’ bin running.
Cheat
Here I have her double lock’d, i’faith neither Window nor
Mouse-
hole in the Room: Gentil, —
fetch my Cloak, — I’ll to my Lawyer Mr. Cobblecase,
for my Mind misgives me plaguily.
Gent
Shall I wait on you, Sir?
Cheat
No, no, stay at home, and if any one asks for
Mrs. Arabella, say,
She does not lodge here.
Gent
Yes.
Cheat
B’w’y Sister.
La. Beauc
Your Journey is needless, but you may go if you will;
and,
d’ye hear, ask Mr. Cobblecase
to come and dine here, he’s a Batchelor. — You
should alwaies be thinking of Peggy.
Cheat
Well, well.
[Exit.]Peg
O Mother, yonder’s Mr. Spendall a
coming, ―― he’s grown very fine
of late.
La. Beauc
Ay, if he would leave your Vather’s Company, and make out
what he says about his intail’d Estate, the man is not to be
despis’d.
Spend
My Lady Beauclair, your most humble. Dear pretty Creature, yours.
[Kisses her.]La. Beauc
Lord, Mr. Spendall, what d’ye do?
— well, I wonder Peg endures
it. ―― I’ll vow and swear,
Mr. Spendall, Knights presume no
farther
than to kiss the tip of my Daughters little Finger, and you make
nothing of
her Lips.
Spend
How! make nothing of ’em! pardon me, Madam, I put ’em to
the
use Nature design’d: — They are as sweet as —
and as soft as — Gad, I must
taste ’em again to raise my Fancy.
Peg
Be quiet, let me alone, Mr. Spendall.
Spend
[singing]Oh, give your sweet Temptations o’er, I’ll taste those dangers Lips no more.
La. Beauc
You’re a strangeman, — but come — sing us a
Song of your
own ―― Husband says you can make Varses.
Peg
But let it be as like that as you can, for methinks that is very pretty.
Spend
[aside]Does the Fool think I shall make it ex tempore? ――
however,
I have one pretty near it, as it happens. I’ll rather expose my
self, than not
endeavour to divert you, Madam.
A Song by Mr. ――, At dead of Night, when wrap’d in Sleep The Peaceful Cottage lay, Pastora left her folded Sheep, Her Garland, Crook, and needless Scrip, Love led the Nymph astray. Loose and Undrest she takes he flight To a near Myrtle-shade: The conscious Moon gave splendid light, To Bless the Ravisht Lover’s sight, And gain the Loving Maid. His eager Arms the Nymph Embrace, And, to asswage the Pain, His restless Passion he obeys: At such an hour, in such a place, What Lover cou’d contain? In C4r 15 In vain she call’d the conscious Moon, The Moon no succour gave; The cruel Stars, unmov’d, look’d on, And seem’d to wink at what was done, Nor wou’d her humour save. Vanquish’d at last by powerful Love, The Nymph expiring lay; No more she sigh’d, no more she strove, Since nokind Stars were found above, She blush’d, and dy’d away. Yet Blest the Grove, her happy Flight, And Youth that did betray And panting, dying with Delight, She Blest the kind transporting Night, And Curst approaching Day.
La. Beauc
Thank ye, ’tis very fine, I’ll vow and swear.
Peg
So ’tis indeed Mother.
La. Beauc
Now, to leave fooling, where’s my Husband?
Spend
I know not, I han’t seen him these two days. ――
Here my Father
writes to me, if I will take up,
(that’s the old man’s Expression) and find a
virtuous Woman with a Fortune, he will give me Three
thousand pounds down,
and settle Eight hundred a
year, ―― and, faith, I am trying to obey the
rich
Cuff, and wean my self from my old Friends and the dear Bottle.
La. Beauc
Ay, you do very well, Mr. Spendall;
I should be overjoy’d to
see you take up,
and perhaps a Fortune may be found: — I’ll say no
more —
but a thorow Reformation will produce
strange-matters, matters I little
thought of;
―― but I’ll say no more.
Spend
Your Ladiship must not say a word of this to Sir
Charles, for then
he’ll forbid me
the sight of this dear Creature, whose Charms alone have
power
to work the mention’d Reformation.
La. Beauc
No, no, fear not that, I han’t so many Friends, to go
the ready
way to lose ’em.
Peg
For my part, I don’t love Vather so well, to tell him
any thing
of us.
Boy
Madam, here’s a Penny-post Letter to your Ladiship.
La. Beauc
To me!
Peg
I warrant ’tis to me, from some Spark.
La. Beauc
Stand away Hussy, ’tis durracted to my ―― my
Lady Beauclair,
――
What’s this [stammering
at it] Mrs. Banter’s the
Indian
House? ――
Read it, Mr. Spendall, some
mischief, I believe.
Spendall [Speaker label not present in original source]
“Tho’ unknown,
I cannot forbear, in Justice to your Ladiships
Merit, informing“forming
C4v
16
you, that Sir Charles,
at four a clock, will be with a Mistress, at
Mrs. Bantam’s; use your
Discretion, but assure your self it is a Truth.”
La. Beauc
O the Villain, the Rogue! the confounded Whore! I’ll tear
his
and her Eyes out; always at home he’s sick, his
Head aches, and he must
lye alone: Ah,
Mr. Spendall, if I should tell you
the naked Truth, you’d say,
he was a Villain too;
I’ve often told him his own with Tears, and the
brazen-
fac’d Villain has forswore it. My
Husband with a Whore! I have no Patience;
I’ll go
there immediately, and stay till he comes.
Peg
Ay, do mother, and I’ll go with you, and help to pull
their Eyes
out.
Spend
Are you both mad? Why all there love Sir
Charles to that degree
they’d
watch and turn him back, ―― you’d never conceal your
Passion, ――
your only way is to come after
the hour, and they you’ll certainly surprize
’em.
La. Beauc
That’s true; well, good Mr. Spendall
stay and comfort me, —
I fear I shall have
my Fits, and then no two men can hold me.
Spend
I would with all my Heart, and esteem my self happy to
serve you,
but my Father has sent me twenty
Guineas for a Token, and if I don’t go this
minute,
the man will be gone out of Town, and carry ’em back with him.
La. Beauc
Nay, that is not to be neglected. ―― Come Child, we’l go
to my Cousin Prattle’s, and
tell her this News: my Husband with a Whore!
―― I cannot bear it.
Spend
I must seize a Kiss, else I shall faint before I see you agen.
Peg
Pish, pish, I think the man’s distracted.
La. Beauc
Is this a time. ―― and my Husband with a Whore! I
wish my
Nails were twice as long for her
sake. ―― Ah Child, thy Vather was anotherguess
man than this, tho’ he had Faults
too. Come away: Your Servant
Mr. Spendall.
Peg
Your Servant Sir.
La. Beauc
My Husband with a Whore!
Spend
Ladies, your most obedient Slave. ―― Thus far
Affairs go on as I could wish. Now if my Lady does but
abuse Bellinda, till it come to
parting
between Sir Charles and
she, then my Miss being
out of his Tuition, I fear not
her falling into mine:
―― She’s damn’d silly, I am forc’d to let all
Courtship
lye in Kissing, for she
understands a Complement no more than
Algebra.
―― Well ―― her Wealth makes it
up. ―― Now for Dinner.
Mrs. Beau
This Walk i’ th’ Park has done me good.
Bell
’T was very refreshing.
Mrs. B
Is not this better now dear
Bellinda, than reading and sighing
away
every beauteous Morning.
Bell
Yes, if at each gazer the conscious Blushes wou’d
forbear to rise, if
I cou’d look upon this object of
my Love and Vertue, not shrink back, it
were true happiness.
Sir Char
My lovely Charmer, let me call this day mine, and oblige
you
to be chearful.
Mrs. B
I warrant ye, by and by we’ll be as merry as the ――
you know
the title that sticks ahand, Uncle, —
ha, yonder’s Sir Francis Wildlove,
for Heaven’s
sake step behind the Trees,
whilst I clap on my Mask, and prole towards
Rosamonds Pond, and he,
no doubt, pursues.
Bell
You will not sure.
Mrs. B
Indeed, my dear Gravity, I will; that is, with your leave, Sir.
Sir Char
Well thou art a mad Girl, but I dare trust thee, come
this way,
Madam.
at a distance.]
Sir Fran
What’s there, a Woman well Shap’d, well Drest, Mask’d
and
alone! how many Temptations has the Devil tack’d
together for a poor frail
Mortal, that scarce needed
half a one! the Handkercheif dropt, a fair
invitation,
a duce take her agility, she has
been too nimble for me, however I’ll
venture, —
Madam, by your remaining, when the whole Army of Beauties
are
retir’d, I should guess you Picceer for a
particular prize.
Mrs. B
Then I suppose you have vanity enough to think your
well-rigg’d
Pinnace worth securing.
Sir Fran
Faith, Child, I hopeyou wou’d not find the fraight disagreeable.
Mrs. B
Now I cou’d not have thought such a hopeful proper
Gentleman,
wou’d have been stragling in the Park this Hour; what, no Lady
of Quality,
nor Miss that appears like one to lead out to day, no
Assignation? or is the
plague upon your fine Cloths, Credit out, and Pocket empty?
Sir CharFran
Shall I tell you the truth.
Mrs. B
Yes, if you can find in your heart.
Sir Fran
Why then, Faith, I have an Appointment, and that with Ladys,
nay, and Musik; yet if you’ll be kind, my dear Chicken, they
shall wait for
me in vain. By Heav’n, a charming side face.
Mrs. B
Stand off, or I vanish, but tell me what makes you so
indifferent to
your first engagement? the Women are Old I suppose.
Sir Fran
Alas, very Buds, my Dear.
Mrs. B
Ugly then.
Sir Fran
Beautiful as Angels.
Mrs. B
What can be the matter?
Sir Fran
Don’t you guess? why they are Vertuous. I have a
Misstress there,
confound me if I am not damnably in Love with her, and yet cou’d
never get
my self in a vein serious enough to say one dull, foolish,
modest thing to her.
Mrs. B
Poor Gentleman, suppose you practis’d before you
went, and
fancy’d me the Lady.
Sir Fran
A Match.
Mrs. B
With Arms across.
Sir Fran
And the looks of an Ass, I begin, ah Madam! — how
was that
sigh?
Mrs. B
Pretty well.
Sir Fran
Behold the humblest of your Slaves: see the Martyr of
your
D
Frowns;
D1v
18
Frowns; those Arms must heal the Wounds your Eyes
have made, or else I
dye; they must, they must.
Mrs. B
Hold, hold! — Sir Charles, Sir
Charles, here I shall be ravish’d
in the
open Park.
Sir Fran
O Heavens! Mrs. Beauclair!
Sir Char
Why how now Frank, in Raptures
before the face of the World
and the Sun!
Sir Fran
Pshaw, I do confess I am caught.
Bell
If you had come to any harm, Madam, you might have
thank’d your
self.
Mrs. B
[aside] No great harm neither, to have a hearty Hug from the man
one loves.
Sir Fran
Madam, I humbly ask your Pardon.
Mrs. B
It is easily granted, ’twas a Frolick of my own beginning.
Sir Fran
This Generosity wholly subdues my wandering Heart.
Mrs. B
Have a care of getting into the dull, foolish,
modest Road, Sir
Francis.
Sir Fran
No more of that, dear madam.
Sir Cha
Come, I believe Dinner stays; where’s your Friend Mr. Beaumont?
Sir Fran
He’l be there before us.
Sir Cha
Let’s to our Chairs, I dare say the Ladies are tir’d.
Bell
Truly I am.
Jen
Sir, the Lady that came lately from the
Indies, whom you have seen
at the Play, sends you this; the odness of the
Superscription she’l explain to
you.
Sir Fran
O the charming Angel! dear Girl, accept my
Acknowledgment,
and step behind those Trees whilst I lead my Mother and my
Aunt into their
Chairs, I’ll be with you in a moment.
Mrs. B
O the wretched Libertine! but to take notice on’t would
shew too
much Concern.
Sir Cha
Sir Francis, where are you?
Sir Fra
Here, at your Elbow, Sir Charles:
Madam, may I presume to lead
you to your Chair?
Mrs. B
Yes Sir, tho’ I believe, as your Affairs stand, you
could ’bate the
Ceremony.
Sir Fran
The greatest Affairs in
Christendom should not hinder
me from
waiting on your Ladiship.
Jen
No faith, they are not of the Shape of motherly and
elderly Aunts:
I’ll not stay here, but watch where they go, and tell my Lady
what a Rambler
she has chose.
Mrs. Flyw
So with much coaksing I have got my jealous Fellow to
let me go
out this afternoon, on the pretence of buying things, and seeing
an old Aunt,
if
D2r
19
if this Wench wou’d come and tell me where the mad Spark will be,
I’ll
venture to give him the meeting; have you found him?
Jen
Yes, Madam, but I perceive he’s a sad wild man, he was
engaged with
two Masks, and wou’d fain have slamm’d me off ’twas his Mother,
but I saw
by their Meen and Dress they were young.
Mrs. Flyw
What said he to you?
Jen
Seem’d much pleased, but shie: Bid me stay, and
promis’d to return
presently; I thought I should do your Ladyship more
service in seeing where
they went, so I dogg’d e’m to
Mrs. Bantam’s our Neighbour and
hous’d ’em
all there.
Mrs. Flyw
Very good, and by and by, I’ll to
Locket’s, and send for him,
I fancy I know the Gentleman s humours so well, that he’ll
certainly forsake old
acquaintance for those of a newer date, tho’ he ventures
changing for the
worse: he seem’d eager and pleas’d, fierce and fond, and
swore my Charms
were unequall’d. His swearing indeed signifies but little,
the Banquet o’re,
Yet sure he’ll meet when Love and I invite, For Love’s his God, and leads him to delight.
The End of the Second Act.
Act III.
[Enter Eugenia, follow’d by Gentil.]Gent
Whither so fast, Mrs. Eugenia?
Eug
Stop me not, I am upon an Act of Charity, trying to free
the Immur’d Lady; ―― I have been picking up all the Rusty
Keys in the house,
in hopes to accomplish it.
Gent
Why you’ll loose your place.
Eug
Hang my place, ―― There’s not one in the Family
understands a
Grain of Civility, except Sir
Charles; and if he speaks to me my
Lady pulls
my Head-cloaths off ―― Come I know you don’t love that
Lubberly Coxcomb,
your Master [Gap in transcription—1-2 wordsflawed-reproduction] E’en joyn with me, assist
in Arabella’s Liberty, and
recover her Fortune, and I dare engage she’ll make
ours. Besides, to tell
you the Truth, I have received ten Guineas to day,
from one Mr. Beaumont,
to endeavour her freedom.
Gent
That’s a most prevailing Argument, I confess. What I
do is for your
sake Mrs. Eugenia.
Eug
In hopes to go snacks with the Gold. Ha,
Gentil! Well, well, stay
here I’ll return immediately.
[Exit, and Re-enter with Arabella.]
’Tis done, ’tis done, is this a Bird to be concealed in
such a dark and Dismal
Cage?
Arab
Well thou art a rare Girl. O if thou cou’dst but
conjure now, and
D2
get
D2v
20
get the Writings of my Estate for me, five hundred
Pound shou’d be thy own
next moment, Wench.
Gent
Say you so, Madam, Gad I’ll turn Devil but it shall be done.
Eug
Why what wou’d that signify to you Fool?
Gent
Well, mind the Ladies Business, and let me alone to take care of yours.
Eug
First let us take care of the ’Squire, Gad if I don’t
manage that Booby,
I’ll give you leave to cut my Apron, and make a slobering Bib
on’t.
Gent
Well, what’s your contrivance?
Eug
Why, I’ll go in again, pour down a Bottle of Red-Ink I
know of,
make all fast, and swear he has murderedye. A Cross Old
Woman
lately, to whom he wou’d give nothing, told him, she read it
in his Phys,
That he wou’d come to be hang’d; which the superstitious Fool
has ever
since been afraid of; very indifferent Circumstances will
Confirm that Fear,
and bring him to a Complyance.
Arab
My better Angel! It has a Lucky face ―― It looks
like thee ――
but how must I be disposed of?
Eug
If you pleasse to go to
Mrs. Beauclairs, Sir
Charles’s Neice, she’s a Woman
Cheerfull, Witty, and Good, and will assist you in every
Thing.
Arab
I’ve heard so well of her; I dare venture to be obliged
to her, come
let’s make haste,.
Eug
Gentil, get the back door open, and
let none of the Servants see us
go out; I’m sure we shall be lucky, because my Termagant
Lady won’t be at
home to day to disturb us.
Arab
Come then, I long to quit the House I have been so ill us’d in.
Sir Fran
A Duse of all ill luck, I have lost my little
Ambassadress from
my dear Indian Queen, ’twas a
Charmer: how can an old Curmudgeon have the
Impudence to hope she shou’d keep such a lovely Creature to
himself? For a
Husband or Cully, I find by her discourse, she has, and by
the Description,
she hates him, which is a good step for me.
Search
Sir, all the company is coming into this Room, to hear
the musick.
Sir Fran
Gad so, are they? then I must wait upon
Mrs. Beauclair down.
Sirrah, you are a purblind Dog, not to find the pretty Letter Carrier.
Search
I think I see a Woman as soon as another, else I’m
sure I were not fit
for your Honour’s Service. I’ll swear she was not in the Park:
I searcht it
three times over as carefully as I had been to look a Needle in a
Bottle of Hay,
and hang’d if I did not find it.
Sir Fran
What a Comparison the Puppy has! D’ye hear, if you do
not
find her out, I shall Discard you for an Insignificant
Blockhead, for I am
Damnably and Desperately in Love with her Mistress.
Search
Ah Lard, Ah Lard, Desperately and Damnably in Love with
her,
and never saw her but twice at a Play, and then she was in a
Mask. Well my
Master wou’d be the best of men if ’twere not for these
Whores: I am
harassed
D3r
21
harassed off my Legs after ’em; the Pox, the Plague, that
belongs to ’em, consume
’em all I say.
and Mrs. Beaumont.]
Sir Char
Ladies, how d’ye like your small Regalio?
Mrs. Beau
Extreamly; for ought I know, Sir
Charles, you may repent
shewing me the way to gad abroad.
Bell
What Opinion, Madam, do you think this Gentleman will
have
of us, for I presume the young Ladies in the Country are not
so free of their
Company?
Mrs. Beau
No, poor Gentlewomen ―― They are Condemned to the
Government of some Toothless Aunt of Grannum, visit but once
a year,
and that in the Summer season, when the heat covers the Ruddy
Lasses with
sweat and dust. The Winter they divert themselves with
Blindman’s Buff among
the serving men; where, too often, one sprucer than the
rest, whispers
Love to Miss Jenny, and
seduces even the eldest Daughter.
Beaumont
Tho’ some have been guilty of those weaknesses,
you must not
accuse all.
Mrs. Beau
All who are confin’d there, never suffer’d so see the
World —
for granting one more thinking than the rest, who has power and
obeys her
Father, in suffering the Addresses of the next adjacent
’Squire, she either dies
of a Consumption (Pining after pleasures more refin’d) or
else o’recome
with Vapors, runs melancholly mad.
Beaumont
[to Bell.] Madam you sigh’d at this pretty Description.
Bell
Did I?
Beaumont
Both her deportment and face confirm my suspitions.
[aside.]Sir Char
You are thoughtfull, Frank.
Mrs. Beau
Wou’d you have him brisker, Uncle? ’tis but my clapping
on a
Mask, and ’tis done. Sir Francis,
do I wrong you, have I not seen you at a Play
slighting all the bare-fac’d Beauties, hunting a Trollop in a
Mask with pains
and pleasure; Nay, more for her gaping Nonsensical Banters, neglecting
immortal Dryden’s Eloquence, or
Congreve’s unequall’d Wit.
Sir Fran
I own sometimes I divert my self with the little Gypsies.
Mrs. Beau
Ay, and disturb the Audience.
Sir Fran
Faith, Madam, I must speak freely, tho’ you are a
Woman of
Quality, and my Friend’s Neice, you talk so
prettily, ’tis pity you shou’d not
do it often in a Mask: But then agen, you are so
pretty, ’tis pity you shou’d
ever wear one.
Mrs. Beau
I did not design by railing to beg a Compliment; Sir
Charles,
where’s the Musick?
A Song By Mrs. P――, Sung by Mr. Hodgson.
When I languish’d, and wish’d you wou’d something bestow,
You had me to give it a Name;
But, by Heaven, I know it as little as you,
Tho’ my Ignorance passes for Shame:
You D3v 22You take for Devotion each passionate Glance,
And think the dull Fool is sincere,
But never believe that I speak in Romance
On purpose to tickle your Ear.
To please me then more, think still I am true,
And hug each Apocryphal Text:
Tho’ I practice a thousand false Doctrines on you,
I shall still have enough for the next.
A Dialogue, betwen two
Platonic Lovers: The Words
by Mr. Motteaux, and set by
Mr. Eccles.
He
How long must I the hours employTo see, be lov’d, yet ne’er enjoy?
Tho’ to curb loose desires I try,
Sure I may wish at least to die?
Dye then, Poor Strephon, wretched Swain;
Nor only live to love in vain,.
She
Live, hopeless Lover, while I grieveMuch for thy Fate, but more for mine;
For mine, my Dear, Condemn’d to live,
To Love, be Lov’d yet ne’re be thine.
He
Oh, See me, Love me, Grieve me still,Till Love’s excess, or Sorrow’s kill,
’Tis not my self I Love, but thee,
Then I must dye to set thee free.
She
No, Live and Love, tho’ hope is dead;For ’tis a Virtue so to Love:
The Gold’s refin’d, the Dross is fled,
The Martyrs thus in Flames improve.
Both
Then let us Love on, and never Complain,But Fan the kind Fire, and Bless the dear Pain.
For why to Despair shou’d true Lovers be driven?
Since Love has his Martyrs, he must have his Heaven.
Spend
My Lady Beauclair will be here strait, I’ll e’en march off.
Sir Cha
What, desert us, Jack! tho’ the Ladies won’t drink, you may.
Spend
I beg your Pardon, Sir Charles,
— I have made an Assignation with
some Women of Quality of my Acquaintance.
Mrs. B
Women of Quality! what, your Landresses Daughter, or some
pert, fleering, tawdry Thing of a Shop, vain, and proud to lose
what she understands
not, her Reputation; she also brags, she’s
coming to Quality when
she meets you.
Spend
I shall not expose their Names, to convince your
Ladiship of their
Rank.
Bell
O, by no means debar the Gentleman of his Quality.
Sir Fran
You see the Ladies are willing to dismiss you, Jack.
Spend
I’m their very humble servant.
and Mrs. Peggy.]
La. Beauc
Ye lye, ye damn’d Quean, he is here, ―― ha! ――
and his
Minion with him! ―― let me come at her ――
Sir Cha
Hell and Furies! my Wife! ―― Madam, why all this
Rage?
Don’t you see my Neice? the other is a Friend of
hers, a Woman of Honour.
La. Beauc
Your Neice is a Pimp, and she’s a Whore! I’ll mark her ――
Sirrah ―― Villain! Oh, oh my Fits! my Fits!
Sir Cha
Fly, my Bellinda, from her brutal
Rage, whilst I Wedlocks slave stay
and appease this Hateful storm.
Bel
’Tis but what I ought to have expected; ’tis just I
should be punish’d,
to prevent my being guilty.
Sir Fran
Dear Beaumont, carry this injur’d
Lady off, whilst we bear the
brunt.
Mrs. B
Go to my Lodgings, Child.
Bel
Any where, to Death or Hell, if there can be a greater
Hell than what
this Bosom feels.
Peg
O Lo, O Lo. I believe my Mother’s dead.
Sir Cha
You know the contrary; these Fits are a new Trick
Nature has
furnish’d the Sex with. ――
Heretofore Tears and Smiles were the highest
part their Dissimulation could attain.
and now shrieks out ――]
Lady Beauclair[Speaker label not present in original source]
Oh! oh!
Mrs. B
Give her some Water.
Sir Cha
Give her some Wine, else you’l disoblige her more,
to my Knowledge,
than the Fits.
Peg
[aside]And well thought on, — I’ll steal behind and
drink a Glass of
Wine, — my stomach’s a cold.
Chair and drinks two or three Glasses of Wine.]
La. Beauc
[starting up]No, Villain, Devil! I’ll drink none of your Wine,
―― it may be poison’d.
Sir Cha
Oh, you had not lost all your Senses, you could hear, I find.
La. Beauc
Rogue, and I’ll make thee feel, I’ll tear thy Linnen,
Hair, thy
cursed Eyes.
Sir Cha
Hold, Madam, as I’m a Gentleman, use me like one.
Mrs. B
Sir Francis, here’s an excellent
Argument on your side, here’s Matrimony
in its true colours.
Sir Fra
No, Madam, her Carriage is not a Satyr on the whole Sex,
— it
but sets off better Wives.
La. Beauc
Yes, you were a Gentleman, and that was all, when I married
ye, the poor third Brother of a Knight, ’twas I brought your
Estate; if since
by your Friends death one has
fell, must I be abus’d, sirrah?
Sir Cha
Madam, you have not been abus’d; you know that I was in
my
Nonage married, saw not with my own Eyes, nor chose for my
unhappy self;
e’re I liv’d with ye, I possess’d an Estate nobler, a
larger far than yours, which
you have still commanded; nay, I have often urg’d ye to
Diversions, in hopes
it would have alter’d that unquiet mind, but all in vain.
La. Beauc
Divartions! what Divartions? Yes, you had me to the Play-
house, and the first thing I saw was an ugly black
Devil kill his Wife, for
nothing; then your Metridate King
o’ the Potecaries, your
Timon the Atheist,
the Man in the Moon, and all the rest ――
Nonsence, Stuff, I hate ’em.
Sir Cha
I need say no more, ―― Now, Madam, you have shown your
self.
La. Beauc
Shown, what have I shown? send for your Gilflurt to show:
I have shown nothing but a vartuous Face.
Mrs. B
All Virtue does not lie in Chastity, tho’ that’s a great one.
La. Beauc
Well Cousin, I’m sorry to see you take such
Courses, I would not
have my Peg like you for the
Varsal World. Peg, what a Colour
this Child
has got! fretting for me, I’m afraid, has put her into a Fever.
Sir Fran
Come, Madam, let’s compose these Differences; your
Anger is
groundless — upon my Word. Not well,
pretty miss! will you drink a
Glass of Wine?
Peg
No, I thank you, ―― I cannot abide it.
La. Beauc
Poor Girl, she never drinks any thing strong, except
she’s very
sick indeed.
Sir Cha
And she’s very often sick, poor Creature! — about
some five or
six times a day. — Madam, shall
I wait on you home?
I think we may quit
this place with Shame enough.
Mrs. Peg
[To her Mother, aside]Don’t be Friends, for Mr. Spendall
sent me
word, he’d meet us in the Park, and if
Vather goes with us, how shall
that be?
La. Beauc
I dan’t intend it; ―― No, Hypocrite, you shan’t
stir a step
with me, if thou dost, I’ll make
a bigger noise below, and raise the House
about thy Ears. Come Peg.
Mrs. B
My Aunt’s Noise is her Guard, none dare approach her.
Sir Cha
Her going out can’t be more ridiculous than her coming in.
Mrs. B
Sir Charles, “Let not your noble Courage be cast down.”
Sir Cha
Outragious Clamours are not News to me; but I dread how
my
Bellinda may resent it.
Sir Fran
I wonder, Sir Charles, you have
Patience to live with this violent
Woman.
Sir Cha
’Tis for my Fair one’s sake, who, nicely jealous the
World would
say she had occasion’d our parting,
has sworn never to see me more, if I attempt
it.
Searchw
[aside to Sir Fran.]Sir, Sir, the Lady you are so damnably in love
with sends word, if you disengage your self from your
Company, she’l be at
Locket’s in half an hour.
Mrs. B
Is it so, i’ faith?
Sir Fran
[to him]Coxcomb, what need you ha’ spoke so loud? Tell him
I’ll not fail to wait on him. Well, Sir
Charles, you’l to Bellinda.
Sir Cha
No, I’ll first go home, and try to stop the farther
Fury of my
Wife.
Sir Fran
Madam, I had Hopes you would hav done me the Honour to let
me wait on you this Afternoon, but it has happen’d so unluckily,
that an o’d
Uncle of mine, to whom I am much oblig’d, ――
Mrs. B
[aside to him]Oh, I’m your Uncle’s Servant. Sir, there needs no
Excuse, your Company being at this time a Favour I neither
expect nor
desire.
Sir Cha
Will you go in a Chair, Neice, or in my Coach?
Mrs. B
A Chair if you please, Sir.
Sir Fran
To that give us both leave to wait on you.
Mrs. B
Pray give me leave to speak a word to my Boy first. Will.
Boy
Madam.
Mrs. B
Run to my Woman, and bid her come to her Aunts immediately,
and bring me the Suit Sir Charles
made for the last Ball, and left at my Lodgings:
make haste, fly.
Boy
I will, Madam.
Mrs. B
Hang it, ’tis but one ridiculous thing, I’m resolv’d to
do it, I’ll
find these Pleasures out, that charm this Reprobate; Mony will
make all the
Drawers mine.
Sir Cha
I’m ready to go.
Sir Fran
Madam, be pleas’d to accept my Hand.
Beaum
Now, Madam, you’re safe in the Lodgings of your
Friend, forget the
Rudeness past.
Bell
Forget it! impossible; her Words, like Poisonous
Shafts, have pierc’d
my Soul, and will for ever dwell upon my Memory with endless painful
Wracks; yet look not on me as that vile Creature she has
represented, but
believe me, Sir, I engag’d my Heart too far, before I
knew Sir Charles was
married. When I found my Love unjust, how exquisite the
Torment prov’d,
E
chill’d
E1v
26
chill’d with Watchings, Sighs, and Tears, yet
’spight of my Distractions,
spight of the rising Damps and falling Dews, ’twas grown too
great to be
extinguish’d, ’till this last storm has torn it by the Roots
to spring no
more.
Beaum
Her every word and looks confirms my Thoughts. Madam,
this I
dare presume to say, both from his Character and my small
Acquaintance, Sir
Charles Beauclair has moral
Virtues, to our late English
Hero’s unpractis’d and
unknown; yet if I might advise, you should never see him
more, or only to
take an everlasting Leave.
Bel
Your Freedom, I confess, is strange, and your Advice
is what I had resolv’d
on before.
Beaum
None but the lovely Mariamne could
with such becoming Majesty
have check’d a Stranger’s boldness. View well these Lines, and
then confess
if they do not the resemblance bear of a soft charming Face
you have often by
reflexion seen.
Bel
Ha! my own Picture, one of the effects of my dear Mothers
fondness,
which she, dying, left in my Father’s Hands; he nam’d me too;
then let everlasting
darkness shroud me; let me no more behold the Sun or
human kind,
forget the World, as I would be of that forgotten.
Beaum
Turn, Madam, and look upon me as your Friend; if you
would
still remain unknown, my Breast shall keep this Discovery
silent and safe as Secrets
buried with the dead: Your Father gave me that Picture, with Desires
so tender for your return, that, I confess, they mov’d me: I
undertook the
enquiry, tho’ scarce could hope to have succeeded. Since your
absence your
Brother’s dead; so that your Father, hopeless and childless,
mourns, and says
your sight would revive him more than when he first bless’d
Heaven for your
happy birth and Mothers safety.
Bel
My Brother dead! ―― lov’d Youth! I grieve thy
untimely Fate, but
thou art gone to rest’ and Peace, whilst I am left upon the
wrack: Sir, I read
in all your words a piercing Truth and an unbyass’d Honour, they
have set
my Errors full before me, my fled Duty returns as swift as I will
do to this
wrong’d Parent, hang on his aged Knees, nor rife till I have found
Forgiveness
and my Blessing there.
Beaum
Tho’ much I wish your Honour and your Fame secure,
yet to part
such Lovers, whom this lewd Age will scarce believe there
ever were, grates
my very Nature.
Bel
Oh! let me not look back that way, but generously
assist me on, till
that dear man, who, witness my Disgraces, I value more than
all Earth’s richest
Treasures. Tell him, lest he should take it ill of
you, that I have confess’d
my Birth, and have resolv’d to fly from him and all the
World, and
in my Father’s House remain as in a Cloister.
Beaum
How will he brook the Message?
Bel
Oh! tell him, Sir, that the pangs of parting will
scarce excel those
my strugling Virtue gave at every guilty meeting, for there was
Guilt: tell
him I have sworn to die if he pursues. I blush to impose
all this on you; but
if a Lover, sure you’ll forgive my Follies.
Beaum
I’ll tell him all, but I must send him too, a parting
Kiss, at least,
which must be allow’d to such unequal’d Love.
Bel
Not till all is fix’d for my remove, then I once more
will see him, tho
my Heart-strings crack, I’ll conquer all these criminal
Fires; I have the Goal
in view, bright Honour leads me on, the part is glorious, but, oh!
’tis painfultoo:
Let me retire, and tear him from my doating Thoughts, or
in the
bitter Conflict lose the use of Thought.
Beaum
How strong are the Efforts of Honour where a good Education
grounds the Mind in Virtue! this unexpected hurry has for some moments
banish’d my dear Arabella from
my Thoughts. O, here comes my Implyment!
well, how goes Affairs?
Search
Rarely, Sir; the Chambermaid swallow’d the Guineas as
glibly as
a Lawyer a double Fee from his Client’s Antagonist; she’s bringing
the young Lady hither. Eugenia
talks of a Contrivance, that you should instantly
appear like a Tarpaulin, pretend to be related to the
Lady, and fright
the ’Squire into a complyance.
Beaum
Any thing to serve my Arabella,
we’l meet ’em, and receive their
Instructions.
The End of the Third Act.
Act IV.
[Scene a Room in Locket’s, a Table with a Flask upon it.] [Enter Sir Francis Wildlove and Mrs. Flywife.]Mrs. Flyw
Well, this is a strange mad
thing, but my old cross Fellow
will never let me take a mouthful of Air; I am sure you
will have an ill Opinion of me.
Sir Fran
A kind one you mean, Madam; I think you generous, lovely, and
all my Heart desires.
Mrs. Flyw
My Maid is gone the Lord knows where for Fruit; I swear I
tremble, coming into a Tavern alone.
Sir Fran
A Glass of Wine will recall the fled Roses, but
here’s the Nectar
thirsty love requires.
Mrs. Beauc
O pardon and protect me; I’m pursued by Hell-hounds, Bailiffs,
and if taken, inevitably ruin’d.
Sir Fran
The Devil take thee and the Bailiffs together, for an interrupting
young Dog.
Mrs. Beauc
You look with a Face cruel as they, but sure in those
fair Eyes
I read some Pity.
Mrs. Flyw
[aside] A very handsom Fellow,
how came you in Trouble,
Sir?
Mrs. Beauc
Alas, Madam, I was put to an Attorney, but longing to turn
Beau, have half-ruin’d my Master, wholly lost my Friends, and
now am follow’d
by the several Actions of my
Taylor,
Sempstress,
Perruke-maker,
Husien,
and a long Et cetera; besides, the
swingingst Debt my Perfumer;
Essence and
sweet Pouder has compleated my Ruin.
Sir Fran
’Tis monstrous to cheat honest Tradesmen in
dressing up a Fop;
therefore, unwelcoming Intruder, I desire you would seek your Protection
elsewhere.
Mrs. Flyw
Nay, now you are too severe; the young Gentleman in Liberty
may mend his Fortunes, and live to pay his Debts; he has a promising
Face.
Sir Fran
Your Pity, Madam; but hastens absence.
Mrs. Beauc
[aside] Will this Fellow, I
thought I had so well instructed, never
come?
Draw
Sir Francis, a man out of breath
says he must speak with you, on
what concerns your Friend’s Life.
Sir Fran
The Devil’s in the Dice to day; where is he? what’s the matter?
Mrs. Beau
[aside] Now Impudence and
Eloquence assist me, what have I
done? in seeking to preserve my Liberty, I have for ever
lost it; my unexperienc’d
Youth ne’r view’d such Charms before, and, without Compassion,
this Bondage may be worse than what I avoided.
Mrs. Flyw
[laughing] Meaning me, sir?
Mrs. Beau
Nay, I’m
a Fool, for Bankrupt in Wealth how can I hope to
thrive in Love, since scarce any of your fair sex, tho’
merit was thrown into
the scales, value a man on whom Fortune frowns.
Mrs. Flyw
[aside] I think it is the
prettiest Youth I ever saw, I have Wealth
enough to supply his wants, what should then debar me?
Mrs. Beau
So, she eyes me kindly I’m sure.
Mrs. Flyw
Your Looks, sweet Youth, plead powerful as your Language;
and to let you see I value not Riches, the want of which makes
you miserable,
accept this Ring, ’twill stop a Creditor’s mouth, and pay two or
three Ordinaries
at the blue Posts.
Mrs. Beau
Oh wondrous Bounty! thus encourag’d; shall
I beg another
Favour, that you would fly from hence before that angry man
returns, lest I
fall a sacrifice to his Jealousie, and see those charming
Eyes no more.
Mrs. Flyw
If my maid would come, ―― ha here she is;
sure you
have flown.
Jen
I beg your Pardon, Madam, I ne’er went, Sir
Francis’s Gentleman and
I were solacing our selves below, and sent a Porter for the
Fruit till hearing
Sir Francis was gone in a great
hurry, he ran after his Master, and I came up
to see what was the matter.
Mrs. Beau
A hopeful Mistress and Maid! deliver me from these Town-
Ladies. [Aside.]
Mrs. Flyw
Ungrateful man, on any Pretence to leave me!
Mrs. Beau
Ungrateful! monstrous; had a thousand Friends been dying,
they ought all to have expir’d e’re you have suffer’d a moments neglect.
Mrs. Flyw
This Flattery’s too gross, young Courtier, you must
treat me
with Truth.
Mrs. Beau
All is Truth, my Heart, my Life is yours.
Jen
[aside] Another Spark! sure the Devil’s in my Mistress.
Mrs. Flyw
Well Sir, I’ll consent to your Desires, and we’l go
from hence
at the Door towards the Park, there’s no danger.
Mrs. Beau
If you are kind, I fear none, Madam.
Mrs. Flyw
Let me find you what you seem, and you shall brave
the World,
and scorn your Debts: Jenny,
get me a Chair, and show this Gentleman the
House where we lodge, then come in, let him ask for you, if you
can prevent
your Master’s seeing him do, if not, say it is one you
waited upon in his Infancy,
the disparity of Years between you consider’d, that may
pass.
Jen
[aside] Humph, I shall never
like him for this Affront. Yes, Madam,
it shall be done.
Mrs. Beau
Your Hand, dear obliging Creature, I hear a noise.
Mrs. Flyw
Quick, this way: run you before, and pay one of the Drawers
for this Flask of Champaign.
Sir Fran
Ha! gone! so I thought; eternal Dog, you have been helping
in this Contrivaance; Did
you take me for a Cully, Spawn of Hell? Have I
known this damn’d Town so long, at last to be catch’d with
such a gross Banter?
speak Sirrah; who was that Impostor that told me my
Friend Mr. Beaumont
was taken up for a
Jacobite, and the Mobb was pulling him to pieces?
Draw
As I ever hope to outlive your Anger, and taste agen
your noble
Bounty, I knew nothing of him.
Sir Fra
Shut the Door, you careless Blockhead, whom I charged
to watch
and let no body come up to me: Now sirrah confess, or I’ll
make that Rogue
help me kick thee into Mummy, for tho’
my Sword’s drawn, I scorn to hurt
thee that way.
Draw
If I should confess you’l kill me, Sir.
Sir Fran
No.
Draw
Truly then, Sir, the young Spark gave me a Guinea to
show him
the Room where your Honour was; but for the Fellow that seem’d
so much
concern’d, I wish I may be hang’d if I knew of him any thing at
all Sir, any
thing at all Sir. Good your Honour break my Head, and forgive me.
Sir Fran
I will not touch thee, Could I expect more from thy
sordid Soul?
Gold corrupts Mankind; be gone. [Exit Drawer.]
This unaccountable
Jilt has so abus’d me, I could find in my Heart to forsake
the Gang, and lay a penitential Dunce at the feet of Virtue, fair
Mrs. Beauclair.
Search
I pray Heaven keep you in that good mind.
Sir Fran
Good lack, canting sot, I suppose you was shut up
with a Whore,
Rascal, whilst you ought to have been Pimping for me.
Search
Trim Tram, Sir.
Sir Fran
How, Impudence!
Search
I meant the Rhime should be, “Like Mistress
like Maid”; for indeed I
was employ’d with my Ladies waiting Gentlewoman.
Sir Fran
Was ye so, Rascal? could I but find the young
stripling, ’twould
be some satisfaction: Hang’t, if I am baulk’d both in Love and
Revenge, the
cross Adventures shall be drown’d in brisk Champaign:
’Tis the dear Glass which eases every smart,
And presently does cure the aking Heart.
Mrs. B
Oh Dresswell! I’m glad I’ve met with thee.
Dress
Lord, Madam, I have been in a sad fright for ye; and
hunted up and
down this hour.
Mrs. B
All’s well, let’s in there, I’ll tell you my adventures.
Dress
Then I hope your Frolick has been to your Ladiships satisfaction.
Mrs. B
Yes, yes, I got Sir Francis’s
Mistress from him, and faith I was pursuing
my Conquest, and venturing to her Lodging, when coming
to the
House, it proved that where
Bellinda Lodg’d and the Lady, I
suppose, the Merchant’s
Wife. I feared I shou’d meet with my Uncle there, and
fairly gave the
Maid the drop. Come, I long to change my Cloaths, I’m quite tir’d with
wearing the Breeches; this way.
Sir Fran
Ha! is not that the young Devil that abus’d me? he has
entred the
House, and I’ll be with him presently, walk hereabouts till I
come out.
Search
Yes, Sir.
Mrs. B
Are my things ready and a good fire in the Room.?
Dress
Madam, they are?.
Mrs. B
Peep out and see who knocks;.
Dress
Madam, ’tis Sir Francis Wildlove, and he seems in a fury.
Mrs. B
Let him in, I’ll do well enough with him; now get you
gone and
fear nothing.
Sir Fran
So, Sir, I suppose you think matters have gone
swingingly on your
side, and have laught immoderately at the reflection how those
green years
have made a Fool of me; but Chance has thrown me on thee once
agen, and
now for those Feasts of Joy an after reckoning
[Draws] must be paid young
Gentleman, you understand my meaning.
Mrs. B
Yes, and will answer it, but hear me first, ’tis to
provoke you I
speak: know then, your Mistress was my easy Conquest, I
scarce had time
to
E4r
31
to say one soft thing before she cry’d, “Let’s
fly, sweet youth, e’er that rough
man returns, and in thy arms forget him.”
Sir Fran
She’s a Jilt and for a well-drest Fop wou’d quite a man
that saved
her life.
Mrs. B
Then this Ring was presented, I suppose you may ha’
seen it; adorn
thy fair hand, and with ten thousand kisses ’twas
whisper’d, “you shall not
want for Gold.”
Sir Fran
Tho’ I value her no more than I do thee, yet I will have
thy life
for harbouring so damn’d a thought, that I was fitter for your
sport. Come
on.
Mrs. B
Hold, hold, Sir Francis I’ll not
pretend to take your Sword, tho’ I
cou’d your Mistress from ye, see my Credentials for my Cowardice.
Sir Fran
Mrs. Beauclair ―― What a blind
Puppey am I, twice in one day,
that’s hard I faith?
Mrs. Beau
Pray return your Lady back her favour.
Sir Fran
Madam――
Mrs. B
Nay, look not concerned, upon my word I’ll never
interrupt you
more: Hug in your Bosom the plaister’d mischiefs, their
blotted Souls and
spotted Reputations, no Varnish can cover o’er, pursue,
o’ertake, possess, the
unenvied ’mongst the Painted Tribe most worthily bestow your
heart.
Sir Fran
Think ye so meanly of me, my heart bestow’d amongst
your
Sexes shame! No, Madam, Glorious Virtue alone can reach at that,
my loving
is a diversion I can soon shake off.
Mrs. B
That’s hard to believe, but I must beg your pardon, I’m
in haste to
unrig.
Sir Fran
Hear me a moment, you have seen my frailties, if like
Heaven you
can forgive, a truer penitent or a more constant votary no cruel
Virgin ever
found.
Mrs. B
Have a care of the dull road: Sir Francis, Farewell.
Sir Fran
Go thy ways for a pretty witty agreeable Creature, but if
I shou’d
seduce her into Matrimony, I fear the common fate will attend
her Beauty,
quickly tarnish and good humour vanish.
Spend
Ha, Lywell! I am the happiest man
alive, almost out of Fortune’s
Power.
Lyw
What is’t transports youu
so? some whim, some Chymical delusion,
that will fail in the projection, and vanish into Air.
Spend
Hear me and then with admiration, be dumb; nor dare to contradict
my wit, or Plots agen: In short, my Lady
Beauclair and Miss, are in open Rebellion
by my perswasion, and to Compleat my good Fortune, I have
borrow’d
ten Guineas of Sir Charles, with
the help of which, I’ll be married to his Daughter-in-Law,
within
these two hours.
Lyw
Ha! I begin to think the
Devil has left playing at Leger de main with
thee: and having secur’d thee, resolves to bestow some of
this World’s wealth
upon thee.
Spend
Canst not thou procure a Templer’s Chamber for an hour
or two,
and appear with the Gravity of a long Robe?
Lyw
With ease, I know a young Spark that has fine Lodgings
there; but
by his old Father is
kept at short allowance; a Treat or a very small sum
will
engage that, and all his habiliments.
Spend
Canst thou not put on the grave look of a starcht Councellor.
Lyw
Hum! hum! ―― I’ll
speak with you immediately ―― you
see, Friend, I’m busy ―― How was that ――
Spend
Pretty well. Come; about it presently, and I’ll bring
the Ladies to
you, as my Father’s chief Lawyer. Be sure you tell ’em, you have
the settlement
of his Estate upon me in your hands, and seem very
desirous I shou’d
do well.
Lyw
I warrant ye, and shan’t we have lusty treats, old Boy?
Spend
I thought your Conscience had scrupled the proceedings.
Lyw
O Pox, my Conscience never tsroubles me, but when Affairs go ill.
Spend
Well, make haste, and doubt not feasting: I must to
my Charge,
lest they cool[Gap in transcription—1-2 wordsflawed-reproduction]Fools are seldom long
resolv’d, and I know a finer Fellow
wou’d get both Mother and Daughers heart; They’re now in a kindly
growing warmth, and the old one’s Imagination
tickled as much with
thoughts of darling Peggy’s
Marriage, as ever ’twas with her own, Farewell!
be sure you observe your directions.
Lyw
It shall be done, dear lucky Devil ―― [Coughs] Hum, hum, I shall
be perfect in a Grave Cough; and a hum, of business, by that
time you come
to my Chamber.
Spend
Hold! for I had forgot
— Whereabouts is this Chamber? for I guess
your Worship’s Name is not so famous to direct.
Lyw
Come, as we go along I’ll tell you.
Arab
So my dear deliverer, how have you succeeded?
Eug
Oh, Madam, the poor ’Squire’s frighted out of the little
wit he had,
one Scene more, and the Day’s our own.
Arab
What’s become of Mr. Beaumont?
Eug
He’s about some earnest business of Sir
Charles Beauclair’s, I know not
what ’tis, but there’s
a heavy Clutter amongst ’em.
Arab
Well, you brought me to the Ladies Lodging, but I believe that’s
the only place she is not to be found at, for I have
waited in vain with much impatience to see her.
Eug
Her Footman’s below, and says she’ll be here immediately.
Arab
Prithee let’s into the Chamber first, and you shall
give an Account
of the ’Squire’s fright?
Eug
I follow you, Madam.
Sir Char
Sure the World’s all running mad; or else resolved to
make me
so; at home I cannot meet with a sensible Answer; but
―― Oh, what touches
nearest, the Dear, the cruel, the charming Maid;
Bellinda will not see me
how
F1r
33
how shall I appease the offended fair, my Wife too
not returned; where will
this end? ―― Gentil!
Eugenia! James.
[Speaker label not present in original source]
[Within]Sir.
Sir Char
Sir; ―― Where, ye everlasting Dormice? will none
come near
me?
Cheat
Gadzooks! This Councellor
Cobblecase has talkt Law, and drank
Claret with me, till my brains are turn’d topsy-turvy. Gad, I wou’d
not have my Lady-Sister see me now for a King’s Ransome,
Tho’ ――
udsbores! I know not why she shou’d,
because she’s a little older, set her eternal
Clack a running upon all my Actions.
Gent
Sir, my Lady and Miss are both abroad.
Cheat
That’s well! — Why,
Gentil! here
Cobblecase advises me not to look
up the young woman, but to use her kindly, and, Gadzooks! I’m in
a plaguy
loving humour ―― I’ll try her good nature once again ――
Hold ――
yonder comes Sir Charles ――
My Sister will never forgive me, if I let him
see her; He’s a well-spoken man, if
I durst trust him, he shou’d sollicite for
me, but then he’s so woundy handsome, and so amorous, I
doubt he’d speak
one word for me, and two for himself; as the saying is.
Sir Char
You say ―― you will not injure the ’Squire.
Eug
No, not in the least — she hath sworn never to
marry him, and the
Law will in time recover her right: Only this way is sooner
and cheaper.
Sir Char
The Lady’s free, and I’ll neither oppose or
assist it further ――
Ha — there he stands, how is’t Brother?
Cheat
Very well, I thank you, Sir Charles.
Sir Char
Your Servant.
Cheat
Brother, you never care for my Company! you take me for a Nump-
Scull; a half-witted Fellow, and, udsbores, wou’d you
but ha’ me to the
Tavern, you shou’d find, I cou’d Drink my G’ass, Break my
Jest, Kiss my
Mistress with the best of ye ―― Flesh!
Try old Barnaby Cheatall, at your
next Jovial meeting.
Sir Char
You’re merry, Sir — But I’m in haste.
Cheat
Udsbores! Women and Wine (both Unwholsome) Punish ye
――
There’s a Taste of my Wit in my Cursing, as the whole Cargo o’
the Bullies
lies in swearing ―― There ’tis agen,
Ifaith! Am not I damnable Ingeniouus,
Gentil? Live and Learn, Sirrah,
and be Hang’d, and forget all, as the saying
is ―― what a Dickins ails me: Hanging [Gap in transcription—5-6 wordsflawed-reproduction]
a Qualm
comes o’re my Stomach ―― That curs’d old Woman! Didst observe
how she look’d like the Witch, before the last new Ballad.
Gent
She had indeed, a very Prophetick Face.
Gent
Who wou’d you speak with, Sir?
Beau
With Mrs. Arabella Venturewell.
Gent
She’s not here.
Beau
Now, by the Cannon’s Fire, ’tis false ―― I have
come ten Thousand
Leagues to see her ―― and will not be so answered.
Cheat
A terrible Fellow! Gadzooks, ―― Pray, Sir, what’s
your business
with her?
Beau
She’s my Sister; that’s sufficient for your Impertience.
Cheat
You, the Lawfull Begotten Son of Sir George
Venturewell, begging
your Pardon, I believe you are mistaken, Friend, in your Father,
as many a
man may be; for Sir George had
never any but this Daughter.
Beau
No, I’m not his Lawfull begotten Son, not the weak off-spring of ――
Cheat
O Lard! what pains he takes to tell me he’s the Son of a Whore?
Beau
Born in India; Bred a
Bucanier: Sword
and Fire have been my play-
Fellows, and Ravishing my
Pleasure ―― In far distant Worlds I have scattered
my rough Image, and as my Sword has cut off their dull Breed,
so my
vigorous youth has left a Race of future Hero’s.
Cheat
A very terrible Fellow, as I hope for mercy?
Beau
Rich with the spoils of long successfull War, I
have visited this
Climate in search of Arabella,
whom I have often heard my Father mention
with much tenderness, I am directed hither — Therefore do
not raise my Fury
with delays — For Cause, or not Cause, if I am Angry,
Blood must appease it.
Cheat
O Lard! O Lard! what
shall I do? He’ll fright me into a Kentish
Ague: I must speak him fair ―― Good Sir, all your
desires shall be fulfilled,
have but a minute’s patience. Come along,
Gentil, come along, and help
me, intreat her to speak him fair, or I’m a lost
man!
— I’ll wait upon ye in a Twinkling, Sir.
Beaum
It works as I cou’d wish, it goes against me to
terrify this Fool so
much, but he deserves it.
Cheat
Oh! Gentil! what shall I say.
Gent
The Lord knows, I don’t.
Beau
Well, Sir, where’s my Sister?
Cheat
Alas! I think she’s vanish’d.
Beau
How! d’ye trifle with my Anger, bring me stories fit
for a Baby!
Blood and Thunder! if I Unsheath my Sword, it finds a Scabbard
in your
Guts! Confess — or by the Cannons fire ――
Cheat
I do confess, that thinking of your coming, and knowing
her to be
a little wild, lest she shou’d have been out of the way, I
lockt her up ――
But what is now become of her, by the Cannons fire, the
dreadfullest Ouath I
ever heard! I cannot tell.
Beau
[aside] I shall never hold laughing.
Eug
Oh! my Conscience!
―― My tortur’d Conscience! ――I cannot
keep it!
Beau
What’s the matter?
Eugen
Oh! I went into the Room, where the Lady was lockt up: And
there’s at least a Pail full of blood ―― all the Water in
the Sea will never
wash the stains out ―― I believe ’Squire
Barnaby and
Gentil have killed
her, cut her to pieces, and carried her away under their Cloaks.
Cheat
Oh! Impudence! O Lard!
O Lard! Sir, I han’t the
heart to kill a
Chicken!
I always swoon at the sight of my own Blood: speak
Gentil, why
thou
F2r
35
thou hast never a Cloak ―― That’s a strong
proof, Sir ―― Gentil has ne’er a
Cloak.
Eug
Why then it went all under yours ―― Besides,
Gentil has a large pair
of Trowsers; that I’ll swear ―― For you made him bring my
Lady home
half a Venison Pasty in ’em. [Shrieks
out.] Ah! look o’ their Shoes, they have
Padled in it.
Beau
Ay, ’tis so, and so I’ll be Reveng’d ―― Cut thee
small as the first
Atoms that huddled up thy
senseless Carkass ―― nor will I be
troubled
to bear thee hence, but stamp thy vile
Clay to it’s kindred Dust, and leave
thee here for
Rubbish?
Cheat
Oh, Sir, upon my knees I beg you’d hear me.
Eug
[interposing] Hold, Sir, don’t
kill the Miscreant, that will bring your
self into trouble; Our Law will hang him, I warrant ye. What
made him order
her (being here) to be denied.
Cheat
Ay, Good Sir, let me be hang’d! That’s my Destiny! I
see there’s
no avoiding it ―― Gentil
―― Beg I may be hang’d.
Gent
Pray, Sir, let my Master be hang’d.
Beau
Well, I’ll try your Law ―― if that fails, this, I’m
sure never will.
How must we proceed, Madam?
Eug
I’ll go with ye for a Man, with the Staff of Authority,
he shall order
him ―― The very Stones in the Street wou’d turn
Constables, to seize
such a Monster ―― Kill a pretty Lady ―― and cut her
to pieces ―― oh horrid!
Cheat
You are a lying Whore! if I durst tell you so? [aside.]
Beau
You Fellow! come hither.
Cheat
Run, Gentil, run ―― Proffer him all I’m worth.
Beau
[aside to
Gentil] When we are gone,
carry him to my Lodgings; I
have told my Landlady the
story, and she’s provided for him.
Gent
It shall be done ―― Is there no mercy?
Cheat
Ah, Lord, no mercy.
Beau
Well! we’ll be with you immediately — Come, Madam.
Eug
Ay, ay, repent and pray, do ’Squire, do.
Cheat
Oh Gentill! That ever I was born! That
ever I was born! ――
What did he say to thee, Gentil?
Gent
He wou’d have had me turned evidence against your
Worship, and
confess ―― But I’ll be hang’d first?
Cheat
I’d confess, if I thought ’twou’d do me any good?
Gent
What! Confess you murdered her!
Cheat
Ay, any thing! any thing! any thing ―― Oh
Gentil! it must be
this witch — she has carried her away, and
spilt the blood, that her Prophecy
might come to pass?
Gent
Not unlikely, ―― Sir, Sir, I have thought of a thing ――
Cheat
What is’t, dear Gentil?
Gent
Suppose you and I run away, before the Constable
come, I know a
Friend will conceal you, and then we may hope to make it up, or
hear of her
―― I can’t think she’s murdered.
Cheat
Nor I neither, except the Devil has don’t? But let’s
away, good
Gentil ――
methinks I hear this Magistrates paw, ―― this
Constable just behind
me, his voice hoarse
with Watching, and swallowing Claret Bribes —
Oh, Gentil! if I shou’d fall into his Gripe!
Gent
Therefore let’s hasten to avoid it ―― Ah, Sir,
this is no time for
Jesting.
Cheat
Too true, Gentil, but wit will
o’reerflow! I fear I shall quibble in
my
Prayers, and die with a Jest in my mouth ――
Come, come! Hang’d! O
Lard, any of the Family of the
Cheatalls hang’d! O Lard, and I the only
branch on’t? Oh, Gentil, ’tis unsupportable.
Gent
Away, away, Sir.
Cheat
Oh that ever I shou’d live to see my self hang’d.
Lyw
So! I’m equipp’d: the young Lawyer snapp’d at the
Guineas, and
has furnish’d me throughout, nay, left his Boy to boot; Gad, I
believe he’l
be famous in his Generation, he encourages Mischief so
readily. Pox! ――
wou’d they wou’d come ―― I’m weary of
Cook upon Littleton.
Boy
Sir, Sir, — a Gentleman and two Ladies are coming up.
Lyw
’Tis they ―― you know your Cue.
Spend
Young man, is Councellor Smart within?
Boy
Sir, he’s dispatching some half a score Clients,
but he’l do that with a
wet Finger, and wait on you immediately.
Spend
A witty Whoreson; what, a wet Finger to lick up the
Gold, ha! —
Well, tell him I’m here.
Boy
Yes, Sir.
Peg
Fine Chambers, Mother! and a fine place, I’ll swear!
Vather would
ne’er let me walk here, zed, ’twan’t fit for young Ladies ――
I’ll vaw, I
like it waundily.
La. Beau
Here were Councellors not unfit for you, but Husband was
never
free you should be seen.
Spend
Now I’m, by Promise, the happy man: my charming Dear,
let me
beg you’d entertain no other Thoughts. ―― Where’s this
Lawyer? ――
a Moments delay seems an Age.
La. Beauc
Well, Daughter, feel how my Heart beats; I’m almost
afraid
to venture on him for thee.
Peg
Don’t tell me of your Fears, ―― now you’ve put a
Husband in my
Head, I will be married, so I will.
La. Beauc
Ah! send thee good Luck! I shall fall in a Fit, I
believe, whilst
thou art marrying.
Peg
I fear not marrying, not I.
Lyw
Well, Sir, I understand the business. ―― Your
Father, considering
your Extravagance, has done more than I thought fit to tell
ye; but afterter
F3r
37
such a Proposal, you may hear it all ―― What!
this is the pretty
Creature, I suppose, you are about marrying.
Peg
Yes, Sir.
La. Beauc
Lord, Peggy, you’re too forward! I
wonder on ye now: ――
Sir, she is my Daughter, and she’ll be worth Eight thousand
pounds, and a
better Penny; I would not have her cast away, Sir.
Lyw
To be thrown into a young Gentleman’s Arms with a great Estate,
will be a good Cast, I take it, Madam.
La. Beauc
If I were satisfied in that!
Lyw
Look ye, Madam, I am a man of business, and many
words are but
superfluous. ―― Hum! hogh! D’ye see, here’s the
Settlement of his Father’s
Estate ―― Eight hundred pounds a Year, and some
Thousands in
Mony, a well-made Fellow into the bargain: Let me tell ye, Madam, such
Offers don’t stick o’ hand now a-days; you may read the Writings
if you
please; if you dislike ’em ―― look ye, I have a Match in
my Eye for the
Gentleman beyond your Daughters; tho’, I must own, this young
Lady is
much handsomer.
Peg
[aside to her Mother] D’ye hear what he
says now! you’ll never leave
your Impartinence, as Vather calls it, ―― Pray be quiet; I’m
satisfied, so
I am.
Lyw
Will you read ’em, Madam?
La. Beauc
[reads]“Noverint, &c.” ―― Nay, Sir,
I don’t understand
lay, ―― But you look like a good honest man, Sir, and I
dare take your
Word; I wish you had seen my Daughter sooner.
Spend
[aside] Well said,
Mother-in-law ―― that is to be in love with
every new Face. ―― I must secure the young one, lest
she’s of the same
mind.
La. Beauc
I’d willingly have him keep his Coach and six ―― I
think the
young Woman’s Face will bear it ―― and
their Estates, I hope.
Lyw
No doubt on’t, Madam, ―― a handsom Wife, and a
Coach and six,
How it attracts all Eyes, ―― the Envy or the Wonder of the Park.
Spend
Well, you may do what you please, but the dear one and
I are agreed
―― we’l to Church without ye, if ye dispute it any longer.
Peg
Ay, and so we will, I vow and swear, Mr. Spendall.
La. Beauc
For shame, what d’ye talk on! why, ’tis past the Cannick hour.
Spend
Madam, all People of Quality marry at Night.
Lyw
That they may be sure to go to bed, before they repent,
a day’s consideration
might take off their Appetite.
La. Beauc
Nay, if People of Quality do it, I’m for ye.
Peg
And so I am, I vow and swear.
Lyw
First, Ladies, be pleas’d to visit my withdrawing
Room, I have Sweetmeats
and Trinkets there fit for the Fair sex, which secures
me Female Visitants.
Spend
Agreed, we’l plunder him.
Lyw
Then we will seek to joyn this am’rous Pair, And drown in Pleasure Thoughts of future Care.
Mr. Flyw
Come, prithee Puggy, do. ――
Mrs. Flyw
I’m not in humour.
Mr. Flyw
What, don’t you love none, Fubby?
Mrs. Flyw
I hate Mankind, wou’d they were in one consuming blaze,
tho’ I
were in the midst of ’em.
Mr. Flyw
Hum, a consuming blaze; what’s the matter now? this is some
damn’d Intrigue has gone cross: I heard her bid
Jenny come into this Room,
and she’d be with her: That’s a Quean, I dare
swear, at the bottom; I’ll creep
behind the
Hangings and hear their Discourse.
Mrs. Flyw
To be trick’d thus by a Boy, a Booby; sure this will humble
the damn’d Opinion I have of my own Wit, and make me confess to
my self,
at least, I am a Fool.
Jenn
Ay, your Ladiship was pleas’d to say, I might pass
for his Nurse.
Indeed I believe he has had as good Instructors, for I find he’s
old enough to
be too cunning for his Benefactress.
Mrs. Flyw
What did he say when you parted?
Jen
Madam, I have told you several times; I no sooner
shew’d him the
House, but he leap’d back and
seem’d surpriz’d; then recovering himself, he
said, he would follow me in: I, according to your
Directions, watch’d carefully,
but no pretty
Master came: Nothing vexes me so much, as that the
little
dissembling Sharper should get the Ring.
Mrs. Flyw
Pish, I don’t value the Trifle three farthings; what’s
my doating
Keeper good for, unless it be to
give me more? But to lose the tempting
Youth!
Jen
Pray add Sir Francis Wildlove’s Loss to’t.
Mrs. Flyw
Peace, Fool; I’m thinking why the House should
startle him:
ha! is not here a fine Woman lodges,
much retir’d, that seems of Quality?
Jen
Yes, Madam; I never saw her but once, she’s a perfect Charmer.
Mrs. Flyw
It must be so; this is some perdu Devil of hers,
that durst not
venture in, for fear his Constancy should be suspected:
Pray watch who comes
to her, dog ’em, do something for my ease.
Jen
Madam, I will.
Mrs. Flyw
Get me a Hackney-coach, I’ll range the Town over, but
I’ll find
Sir Francis Wildlove.
Jen
My Master will be mad.
Mrs. Flyw
Then he may be sober agen, better he mad than I; if he
be angry,
’tis but dissembling a little
nauseous fondness, and all’s well agen.
Flyw
Is it so, thou worst Offspring of thy Grannam
Eve?
but I’ll stifle my
Rage, lest without further
Proof she wheedles me into a Reconciliation, take
another Coach and follow her, catch her amongst her
Comrades, without the
possibility of an Excuse,
cut her Windpipe, and send her to Hell, without the
possibility of a Reprieve: Damn her, damn her.
Bel
The little hurry of my quick Remove has took up all my Thoughts,
and I have not consider’d what I am about. See him no more, him
whom I
could not live a day, an hour, without! No more
behold his Eye-balls, tremble
with respectful passion ―― Hear no more the
soft falling Accents of
his charming Tongue! view him dying at my feet no
more! ―― O Virtue!
take me to thee; chase from my strugling Soul all this
fond tenderness:
Secure me now, and I’m thy Votary for ever.
Beaum
Madam, neglecting even my Love, I come to wait on your
Commands.
Bel
Such Thanks as an indiscreet and wretched Woman can
return are
yours: What said Sir
Charles?
Beaum
He receiv’d the Message as Wretches that are afraid
to dye, hear
the condemning Voice, or as the Brave the loss of Victory, or
the Ambitious
that of Crowns: He begs, that he may haste to plead his Cause,
and seems to
live alone upon the Hopes his Love and Innocence may alter your Resolves.
Bel
O stop him, Sir, some moments longer, till
I am just ready to be gone.
He has a Friend too powerful within, and
I must fly, or I shall never overcome.
Beaum
I’ll prevent his coming till you send. Your Servant, Madam.
Bel
Honour and Love, oh the torture to think they are
domestick foes,
that must destroy the Heart that harbours ’em! Had my Glass
but been my
Idol, my Mind loose, unconstant, wavering, like my
Sex, then I might have
’scap’d these pangs; Love, as passing Meteors, with
several fires just warms
their Breasts, and vanishes, leaving no killing Pain behind,
’tis only foolish:
I have made a God of my Desire greater than ever the Poets
feign’d: My
Eyes receiv’d no Pleasure but what his fight gave me; no
Musick charm’d my
Ears, but his dear Voice: Wracks, Gibbets, and Dungeons, can they
equal losing
all my Soul admires? Why nam’d I them? Can there be greater
Wracks
Than what despairing parting Lovers find, To part when both are true, both wou’d be kind?
The End of the fourth Act.
Act V.
Scene, Bellinda’s Apartment.
[Enter Bellinda.]Bell
He
comes, keep back, full Eyes, the springing Tears! ―― and thou
poor trembling Heart! now be mann’d with all thy strongest stoutest
Resolutions; there will be need.
Sir Cha
Ah! whither shall I throw me? what shall I say?
―― Mariamne
hangs like Iceicles upon my Tongue, but
Bellinda flows: Oh
Bellinda! ――
I charge thee by that dear Name, hear and pity me.
Bell
[coldly] What wou’d you say?
Sir Cha
Why nothing; I do not know that Voice, it has stopp’d
the rising
words, and I must only answer with my sighs.
Bell
Sir Charles, we have both been punish’d with unwarrantable Love.
Sir Cha
Punish’d! Have we been punish’d? ―― Now, by all
my Woes to
come, by all my Transports past, all thought of my
Bellinda, there’s not a
Pang, a Groan, but brought its pleasure with it: Oh! ’tis
happier far to
sigh for thee, than to have enjoy’d another.
Bell
You interrupt me when I just begin. ―― Grant it
true, ―― we might have liv’d th weary grown of
of one another, till you, perhaps, might
coldly say, I had a Mistress. ―― Now to part, when at
the mention of each
other’s Name our Hearts wll rise, our Eyes run o’er, ’tis better
much than
living to indifferency, which Time and Age would certainly have brought.
Sir Cha
Oh, never, never; tho’ the Bauble gaudy Beauty die, yet Sence
and Humour still remain — on that I should have doated.
Bell
You cannot guess your future by your present
Thoughts; or, if you
cou’d, I am not to be mov’d forsaking thee; and when I have
said that, I
need not add all Pleasures, ―― in remote and unfrequented
shades I’ll pass
my solitary hours, and like a Recluse, waste the remainder
of my wretched
days.
Sir Cha
And am I the Cause of this melancholy
penance? Must my unhappy
Love rob the World of its fairest Ornament? No, Madam,
stay and
injoyn me what you please; condemn my Tongue to everlasting
silence; let
me now and then but gaze, and tell you with my Eyes what’s acting
in my
Heart; or ―― if you will retire, permit me to follow, under
the pretence
of hunting; the Air, a thousand things
I can invent, create new
Friendship, caress the whole Country o’er, to have an
opportunity of
seeing you, though at a hateful distance, and surrounded by
severest Friends.
Bell
Ha! is this the awful Love, I thought
possess’d ye? How fatally I was
mistaken! What! pursue me to my Father’s
House! fix on my Name a
lasting Blot, a Deathless Infamy, pollute my Native Air with
unhallow’d
Love, where all my Ancestors have, for
Ages, flourish’d, and left an honest
Fragrancy behind! Mark me, Sir, you know I do not use to break
my word.
―― If by Letters, Missages, or the least appearance
(tho’ cautiously, as
Treasons plotted against the State) you approach me, I’ll fly
the Kingdom,
or, if that’s too little, the World.
Sir Cha
No, ’tis I have been mistaken. ―― Now, by all the Wracks
I feel, not worth a Sigh, a parting drop; no Regard of
Tenderness, no Beam
of Pity, from those dear Eyes, nor sidelong Glance to view my
sad Distraction!
Methinks you have already left me, and I am got amongst my Fellow
Madmen, tearing my Hair, chain’d to the Ground, foaming, and
digging up
the Earth, yet in every smallest Interval of Sence
calling on Bellinda.
Bell
A noble Birth, a censorious World, a mourning Father,
all plead
against thee. Oh, talk no more, lest you force my Hand to
some desperate
Act; and yet your Words pierce my Bosom with greater pain than
pointed
Steel.
Sir Char
I see you are resolv’d on my Undoing, fix’d like my relentless
Fate; therefore I’ll not urge another syllable, but quietly, as
dying Men
when Hope’s all past, quit Life and their dearest friends,
for ever, ever
leave thee.
Bell
That sad silent Look discovers such inward
Worlds of Woe, it strikes
me through, staggers my best Resolves, removes the Props I
have been raising
for my sinking Fame, and, blind with passion, I could
reel into thy Arms.
―― Tell me, on what are thy Thoughts employ’d?
Sir Char
On the Curse of Life, impos’d on us without our Choice,
and
almost always attended with tormenting Plagues.
Bell
Yet we may meet again, in Peace and Joy, when this
Gigantick Honour
appears no Bugbear, and our Desires lawfully be
crown’d. ―― It is a
guilty Thought; nor shall I ever dare to form it to a Wish.
Sir Cha
But dost thou think we may? [embracing her.]
What!
uncontroul’d clasp thee thus! Oh, Extasie! with wild
Fury run
o’er each trembling beauteous Limb, and
grasp thee as drowning Men
the dear Bark from whence they were thrown.
Bell
Away, away! What are we doing? Divide him, Heaven, from
my fond guilty Eyes; set Seas, and Earth, and Worlds of Fire
between us,
for Virtue, Fate, and Honour, with an united Cry, have doom’d,
that we must
meet nor more.
Sir Cha
To raging Seas, Sieges, and Fields of Battle will I fly, Pleasures
and Pastimes to the Woes I feel. Oh,
Bellinda!
Gent
I cou’d laugh my Heart sore, to see what a condition
the Fool my
Master’s in; every knocking at the Door is as good as a Dose
of Rubarb,
and every Noise makes him leap like a Vaulter. Ha! he’s coming,
the poor
Baby dares not be alone.
Cheat
Gentil! Is the Coast clear?
Gen
Yes, Sir.
Cheat
Oh Gentil!
Gen
What’s the matter? You look worse frighted than you were.
Cheat
Ay, and well I may; you leave me alone, and I shall
grow distracted:
I have ―― I have
seen a Ghost.
Gen
A Ghost! what, Mrs. Arabella’s Ghost?
Cheat
Nay, I did not stay to examin that; for, as soon as
ever I perceiv’d
the Glympse on’t, I shut up my Eyes, and felt my way
out of the
Chamber.
Gen
Where was this Ghost, Sir?
Cheat
Oh! behind the Bed, behind the Bed, Gentil.
Gen
Lord, Sir, ’twas nothing but the Cloak; I hung it there.
Cheat
Was it not? O’ my Conscience, I thought it had been a
Giant of a
Ghost. ―― Hark, hark! what’s that?
Boy without
A full and true Relation of a horrid and bloody Murther,
committed on the Body of Mrs. Arabella
Venturewell, a young Lady, by one
’Squire Barnaby Cheatall and his
Man Gentil; shewing how they
lock’d her up
in the dark, then cut her to pieces, and carried the pieces away
under their
Cloaks, and threw ’em into
Chelsey-Reach, where, at low
water, they were
found.
Cheat
O Lard! O Lard! the pieces found, Gentil!
Gen
So it seems, Sir.
Boy
[seeming farther off] A full and true Relation of a, &c.
Cheat
Nay, now we shall be hang’d for certain; not the
least Hopes:
Oh! oh! oh!
Gen
Come, Sir, have a little Courage.
Cheat
To confess the truth to thee, I never had any Courage
in my Life;
and this would make the stoutest man tremble: Oh!
Gen
I am thinking, Sir, ―― why ―― we was not at
Chelsey-Reach
that day.
Cheat
No, no; but, may be, they’l swear we was.
Gen
My Lady and Miss hated her, ―― sure they han’t
been so barbarous.
Cheat
Like enough, ―― pin-up Petticoats are as conveninet
as Cloaks, —
besides, my Sister is a Fury; I’ve heard her threaten pulling
Folks a pieces
a hundred times, and now she has don’t. ―― we’l e’en peach.
Gen
What, your own Sister!
Cheat
Ay, my own Mother, to save my self: ―― I say, we’l peach.
Gen
That’s not so good, for if they prove themselves
innocent, ’twill fall
upon us agen, ―― Heark ye, Sir, there’s only
Eugenia can witness against
us, ―― suppose we try’d to stifle her Evidence with a
swindging Bribe;
I never knew a Chambermaid refuse
greasing in the Fist upon any account.
Cheat
My dear Gentil, ―― if she
inclines, my Offers shall be so large,
that for the rest of her Life she shall have nothing to do,
but study to make
her Hands white, that she may burn all her Fripery, and be able
to spark it
with Quality.
Gen
Sir, I’ll send her Propositions.
Cheat
[half
draws his Sword] Do, but if the stubborn Jade
won’t comply,
appoint a private meeting, and stop her Mouth with this ――
Ugh! ――
you understand me.
Gen
Yes, Sir. [Aside.]
I find his Conscience would swallow a real Murder. ――
Sir, if you please,
we’ll go in and write what you design to offer her.
Cheat
Let us. If you meet her, Gentil, and
she’s surly, ―― Remember,
―― ugh, — ugh.
Searchw
Sir Charles sends you word, he is
busie ordering his Affairs, designing
with all speed to travel, and says, he shall never
see you more, only
to take his leave.
Sir Fran
Hey day! O’ my Conscience, this charming little
Beauclair has me
under a Spell, and I shall meet with nothing but
Disappointments till I submit
to her.
Searchw
Ay, Sir, you wou’d soon find the true Pleasures of
virtuous Love,
and a satisfaction in denying your Appetite.
Sir Fran
Preaching Fool, hold you your Peace.
Serv
Sir, a Gentlewoman below desires to speak with you.
Searchw
[aside] So, there’s no great
danger my Master shou’d Reform,
when the Devil is alwaies at hand with a Temptation in Petticoats.
Sir Fran
Searchwell, wait on the Lady up.
Searchw
Ah Lord!
Sir Fran
Sirrah, I shall break your Head, if you don’t leave
this canting
trade.
Searchw
I am gone, Sir.
Dressw
[aside] This is a mad
Message my Lady has sent me with to her
Lover; I’m afraid he’l kick me for my News; hang’t, he’s a
Gentleman, and
I’ll venture.
Sir Fran
Ha! pretty Mrs. Dresswell, this is
a favour I never reciev’d from
you before; Must I own the Blessing only to your Good-will,
or is my Happiness
greater? Did your Lady send?
Mrs. Dressw
I cam from my Lady, Sir, but what Happiness you’l find I
know not; methinks she has done a strange mad thing.
Sir Fran
What’s the matter?
Mrs. Dressw
She’s married, sir.
Sir Fra
The Devil she is.
Mrs. Dressw
Even so: she said, those that she fancied car’d
not for her,
therefore she resolv’d to bestow her self and Fortunes on
a secret Lover, whom
indeed her Ladiship owns she never valued, a Gentleman you
know, sir, the
worthy Mr. Spendall.
Sir Fran
[walks
about enrag’d] Damnation! that Rake, Bully, Sharper!
damn it, damn it.
Mrs. Dressw
Here’s a Note where they are; she desires to see you.
Sir Fran
Tell her I esteem her so much, I’ll cut the
Rascal’s Throat she has
thought fit to call Husband; I’ll do it, Madam, tho’ I’m hang’d at
the Door;
’tis the only way I can express my Love to her now.
Mrs. Dressw
Wou’d I were well gone; I’ll tell her, sir.
Sir Fran
Married! and to Spendall! Oh, that I cou’d despise
her: Ha! I
find ’tis worse with me than I thought, what makes this gnaw my
Heart so
else? My fellow-Libertines will laugh to see me play the fool
and kill my
self: Oh, I cou’d tear in piecemeal the Villain that betray’d
her to endless
Ruin.
Servant
Sir, there’s another Lady, out of a Coach, coming up stairs.
Sir Fran
Blockhead, tell her I desire she would break her Neck
down agen,
and oblige me in riding post to the Devil.
My Coach there?
Servant
O my Nose, my Nose; why what’s the matter now? I thought
I should have had a Reward for my News; and so I have, I
think. O, my
Nose.
Mrs. Flyw
Where’s Sir Francis? Did you tell him I was coming up?
Servant
Yes, and he says, you may go to the Devil, he has
spoil’d the Ornament
of my face, and flung into his Coach stark mad.
Mrs. Fly
Much of Passion shows much of Love, my Coach
shall follow his,
I’ll not leave him so.
Mrs. B
I must confess I am Fool enough to be pleas’d with
Sir Francis’s concern?
But, Oh, my Uncle’s troubles draws a vail upon my rising
Joys, and
damps all Mirth: Poor Bellinda! she sent a Note to tell
me her Disorder was
such,
G3r
45
such, she cou’d not see me; with much ado I have perswaded
Sir Charles to
come hither, for half an hour, and look into this unlucky piece
of Matrimony.
Dress
Madam, they are coming.
Mrs. B
In, in, then?
Lyw
Here give me a Glass of wine, Mrs. Bride’s long life,
and lasting happiness.
M. Peg
Thank ye, Sir, give me a Glass, you.
Spend
To me, my Love?
M. Peg
Yes.
Spend
Yours, for ever.
Lady B
Lard, Child, you’ll drink too much Wine.
M. Peg
Pray be quiet, I’ll drink what I please; I am Married
now, why
sure, I’ll ha’ none of your Tutoring, I Cod, I’ll long for every
thing I see,
shan’t I, you?
Spend
I, and have it too, my dear.
M. Peg
I Cod, I’ll long for Green Pease at Christmas, so I will.
Lady B
My heart akes, this great concern has made me sick,
give me a
Glass.
M. Peg
I am Mothers own Daughter, seth I dare confess it
now, I always
us’d to be sick for a Glass of Wine,
ho, ho?
Lady B
Sure the Wench is mad.
Spend
Ha, dear Ladies go in, ’tis some body from Sir
Charles, I believe, I
wou’d
willingly speak with ’em first.
M. Peg
Ay, ay, let’s go in, there’s more Wine within.
Lady B
Be sure you make your Estate out plain.
Spend
Yes, yes, heark ye, Lywell, carry
’em out of Ear-shot, lest it shou’d
prove a Dunner.
Lyw
I warrant; Come Ladies, we’ll in, and take a Bumper.
M. Peg
O la, you make me so blush ――
Spend
Boy, open the door?
Sir Fran
What, grown so great already, that I must wait half
an hour for
admittance.
Spend
[aside.] He is come from Sir
Charles, I’ll speak him
fair: Sir Francis
Wildlove, your
very humble servant, I beg ten thousand Pardons.
Sir Fran
Keep your fawning, and bestow it on Fools; ’tis lost
on me,
and will be grosly answer’d. I tell ye, you
are a Rascal.
Spend
Poverty makes many a man so, Sir.
Sir Fran
A presuming Rascal! do I not know thee for the dreg
of humane
kind, and shall thy detested Arms
receive her Virgin Beauties, life of goodness,
Soul of Honour, Wit, and Sweetness, the only Woman upon
Earth I
cou’d have lov’d?
Spend
Sure you design to banter me: Soul of wit, and
Sweetness; the
Devil might had her Sweetness for
me. ’Twas her Mony I married; faith, Sir
Francis, I always took her for a Fool?
Sir Fran
Prophaner! this last
action only calls her Judgment in question,
thy
Death is Justice, first to deceive, and then abuse
her, draw.
Spend
I will draw, tho’, Gad, I wou’d have sworn never to
have fought on
this occasion.
Mrs. B
Ha, ha, ha.
Dress
Ha, ha, ha.
Sir Fran
Nay, Madam, I’ll not disturb your mirth, but be so
calm to wish
it may continue.
Spend
What’s the meaning of all this? how came Mrs. Beauclair here?
Sir Fran
Are you not married to this Lady?
Spend
No such Honour was ever designed for me: Lard, Sir, I am
married
to Miss Peggy,
Lady Beauclair’s Daughter, my Fool’s
within, now I hope
I may call her so.
Mrs. B
I doubt, Sir Francis, you
Counterplotted me, knew the truth,
and only acted this
concern.
Sir Fran
No, by Heaven, nor per[Gap in transcription—1 characterflawed-reproduction]e[Gap in transcription—1-2 charactersflawed-reproduction]ly my own heart,
till this severe Trial
search’d it; did I
dissemble, Madam, your sense wou’d soon
discover it, but
by my Soul, I love you truly, and
if you dare venture on me, my future
life shall
shew how much I honour you.
Mrs. B
Can you then leave all the pretty City Wives, which a Man
of
your Parts and Quality, in a quarter of an hours
seige, could overcome?
In fine, all the charming
variety of what was pretty, or agreeable in the
whole
Sex, and be confin’d? Oh,
that’s a hard word to me.
Sir Fran
With more delight that those surfeiting Joys (that
always left a
sting behind ’em) afforded.
Mrs. B
Well, Sir, if you can give me your heart, I can allow you
great
Liberties: but when we have play’d the Fool and
married, don’t you, when
you have
been pleased abroad, come home
surly[Gap in transcription—1 wordflawed-reproduction] your
looks be kind, your
Conversation easie, and
tho’
I shou’d know you have been with a Mistress, I’d
meet you with a smile.
Sir Fran
When I forsake such Charms, for senseless
mercenary Creatures,
you shall correct me with the
greatest punishment upon Earth, a frown.
Mrs. B
You’ll fall into the Romantick stile, Sir
Francis:
Mr. Spendall,
shan’t we see
your Bride?
Spend
Yes, Madam, I hope your Ladyship will prove my Friend
to Sir
Charles.
Mrs. B
Ay, ay, we’ll all speak for ye; had she mist ye,
there was no great
likelihood, as the case was,
she wou’d have done better.
Sir Fran
Where is the pretty Miss? pray conduct us to her.
Mrs. B
Sir Charles will be here
presently, I long to hear my Aunt set out
the
greatness of the match.
Spend
This way, Sir.
Arab
Is this the House, Eugenia?
Eug
Yes, Madam.
Arab
Well, thou art a lucky Girl, to recover my Writings with
such
speed.
Eug
Madam, the ’Squire wou’d have parted with a limb, if I had requir’d it.
Beau
Madam, it was your promise, whenever you possest
your Fortune,
(tho’ I’m sure I never insisted
on’t) you wou’d be mine.
Arab
I have no occasion to break my word, Mr. Beaumont.
Beau
Then I am happy.
Arab
Mrs. Eugenia, will you enquire where these Bride folks are?
Eug
See, Madam, they are coming.
Spendall, Lywell.]
Arab
Will the ’Squire be here?
Eug
Yes, Madam, I told him of his Cousin’s Marriage, and he
seems pleased
his Sister has been trick’d.
Peg
Lard, you, what d’ye bring one to these folks, they’ll
do nothing but
jeer us?
Spend
Oh, my dear, carry your self civily, and every body will love ye.
Mrs. B
Sir Charles will be here presently to wish you Joy, Madam?
Lady B
So, then we shall have noise enough, but I’ll be as
loud as he, I’ll
warrant him.
Mrs. B
And louder too, or I’m mistaken.
Sir Char
Neice, why have you dragg’d me to this unwilling
Pennance, if
the Girl is ruin’d what is’t to me? my
thoughts are full of something else.
Mrs. B
My Uncle, my Father, and my Friend, yet these names do
not express
half of my tenderness: The best of Guardians and of
Men: pray change
your
thoughts of Travel, I’ll study ten thousand things for
your Diversion.
Sir Char
Not Angels Eloquence shou’d alter me; I’ll act the
uneasie part
no longer, that Woman, the bar to all
my Happiness, by Heaven, she’s not
my Wife: ’tis
true, the Ceremony of the Church has pass’d between us,
but
she knows I went no further.
Mrs. B
Stay then, and live asunder.
Sir Char
No; so, Madam, you’ve married your Daughter.
Lady B
Yes, what then? he has a
good Estate, when his Father dies, beside
the
present settlement, and ready Mony.
Sir Char
Poor deluded Woman! he has no Estate, nor Relation
worth owning,
Mr. Spendall,
generous Charity induced me to relieve your wants, you
have
betray’d this young woman, but use her well
―― I have not much to say ――
I suppose
they were both so willing, a very little pains effected
the matter.
Lady B
How, Rascal! Devil! have ye married my Daughter
―― and
have ye nothing, Sirrah?
Spend
Ask Mrs. Peggy that.
Peg
You make one laugh, I vow and swear.
Lady B
Beast! I don’t mean so ―― But have ye no Estate, Sirrah?
Spend
No, faith, Madam, not I; my Wife has enough for us both,
and
what’s matter.
Lady B
Oh, Dog! Come away, Peggy, we’ll go
to Doctors Commons, and
thou
shalt be Divorc’d.
Peg
I won’t be Divorc’d, I’ve got a Husband, and I don’t
care, I’ll stay
with him.
Spend
That’s kindly said, and I engage you shan’t repent it.
Lady B
Why Counsellor Smart, why
Counsellor Smart, did not ye tell
me ――
Sir Fran
Hey day, Counsellor Smart! why
this is a Fellow many degrees
worse than your new
Son-in-Law. Hearkye
Friend, leave this Counterfeiting
Trade ――
or you’ll lose your Ears; Reform, as your Friend has
done,
and Marry.
Lyw
Hang him, Rogue: He’s a Smock-fac’d Fellow, and
Handsom: I shall
do
no good with the Women.
Spend
[aside] Go, be gone, Devil,
don’t disgrace me, I’ll meet you at the
old place.
Mrs. B
Look what a puff the old Lady’s in ―― Aunt, you
always said
you’d match your Daughter your self,
you did not desire a cunninger head
than your own.
Lady B
Well, Mrs. “Flippant”! I hope your mad
tricks will bring you a Bastard
home at last, and that will be worse.
Sir Char
Nay, Madam, spare my Neice: she ever was most respectful to
you, till you abus’d her beyond all bearing.
Sir Fran
Mind not a mad Woman.
Cheat
Your servant Gentiles!
―― O La! Sister, I hear strange news, Cousin
Peggy’s married to a
Sharper, a Rake, a Bully, they say! I told you so, I
told you so! Gadzooks! you wou’d
not be warn’d.
Lady B
Well, Booby! what’s that to you, Dunderhead.
Cheat
Pox take your nasty Fist! you love fighting plaguily.
Lady B
Well, ’twas passion, you may excuse it, when you
consider my afflictions
―― To make ye amends, I’ll come live with you, and
take car of
your Estate, and Mrs. Arabella’s.
Cheat
No, no, don’t mistake your self, I’ll be a stingy
Cur no longer, but
drink my Bottle freely, nor sneak out o’ the Company without
paying my
Club, for fear of having my Pocket examined by you.
O Lard! the Ghost! the Ghost.
Spend
What, is the man mad?
Mrs. B
You don’t understand the whim.
Arab
Come gi’ me thy hand, old Boy, we’ll be Friends; I am no Ghost,
I assure ye.
Cheat
And ―― is not that the Hectoring Spark your Brother,
with his
Monsterous whiskers par’d?
Beau
Not her Brother, Sir, but one who hopes to pretend to the
Lady, by
another Title.
Cheat
Oh! I find how matters ha’ been carried ―― Much good
may d’ye
with her. ―― Gadzooks, she wa’n’t fit for me, ―― I’m a
Fool, you know, Sister.
Arab
You must grant me one Request.
Cheat
What’s that?
Arab
To forgive Gentil; he’s going to be
married to Eugenia, but shall
have no Joys without your Pardon.
Cheat
Ay, ay, I forgive him, and leave his Wife to punish
him; she has a
Fruitful Invention, let him take care it does not one day fall
upon his own head
―― Gentil! I am Friends; and
will give thee something towards Housekeeping.
Gent
I thank you, Sir.
Eug
I’m sure, it went to my very heart to fright your Worship so.
Cheat
You are a wheedling Baggage; but ’tis all well, I’m contented.
Mrs. Flyw
O save me! save me! I’m pursued by a bloody-minded Monster.
Sir Fran
What’s the matter? is it your Husband, Madam?
Mrs. Flyw
’I is my Tyrant, the Devil ’tis.
Cheat
Nay, hold ye, Mistress, don’t ye run behind me;
udsbores, so I
may have the sword in my Guts by mistake.
Beau
We’ll all protect the Lady.
Mr. Flyw
Protect! damnation; do but hear how vile a thing it is.
Cheat
Hear! what do I hear, and see! why, sure this is our
Brother Allen,
my Sister’s first Husband, we thought dead in
the Indies.
Sir Char
What’s that? speak agen,
but speak aloud, lest I shou’d only catch
the sound of Happiness, and be deceived.
Mr. Flyw
Has my damn’d Jilt brought me to a greater plague, my Wife?
but I’ll own it to punish her, tho’ I suffer an abominable
torment till next fair
wind, the Sea’s my Element; once there, I’m free. Well, I
confess I have
found a Wife here. Why stare you so? I am not the first has
thought the
sight unpleasing.
Sir Char
No, no, talk on; all are hush’d, as if a midnight silence reigned.
La. Beauc
Who’s this? Are you my first Husband
Allen?
And did you pretend
you was dead, rather than come to me, Sirrah?
Mr. Flyw
Here’s a fine greeting.
Mrs. Flyw
How! your Husband! he’s mine before Heaven: Mr. Flywife,
won’t you own me, Fubby?
Mr. Flyw
In troth, I think there’s scarce a Pin to
chuse; but you have
disoblig’d me last, therefore avant, Strumpet; come hither,
thou natural
noisie Spouse.
Mrs. Flyw
That Shape and Face prefer’d to me?
La. Beauc
I’ll be reveng’d of her, I’m resolv’d.
Mrs. Beau
I’m all Amazement, Sir Francis;
save the Lady, because she was
my Friend; return her Ring, that may help console her.
Sir Fran
[parting ’em] Hold, Ladies,
Ladies: March off, here’s the bountiful
Present; come, come, I doubt not but you’ve a private Pocket.
Mrs. Flyw
The Devil take you all.
Mrs. Beaum
What Miracle is this? Madam, leave your passion, and explain
it.
Mrs. Peg
Is my own Vather come agen? O La.
Spend
Your own Vather come agen! O La! Then, I fear, your
Portion is
not at your own dispose, Miss.
Mrs. Peg
Good Lord! does that disturb ye?
Mr. Flyw
Gentlemen, now your Wonder is a little over, pray let me ask
why all this Company, and why that Gentleman, whom I know not,
appears
transported.
Sir FranSir Char.
I’ll tell you, Sir; ’twas my hard Fate to marry your
Lady, before
your death was well confirm’d, that kept it some time private,
whe, before
we came together, a Quarrel, from her uneasie temper, arose,
and I swore
never to bed her; yet, for our Friends and Conveniency’s sake,
we seem’d to
live like Man and Wife. Speak, Madam, is this not true?
La. Beauc
Yes, yes, ’tis true, the more shame for ye.
Sir Cha
Here, Sir, receive her, and with her a new Date of Happiness.
Mr. Flyw
I guess my future Happiness by the past; but since it must be so —
Sir Cha
Dear Neice, go to my House, and deliver up whatever is that
Lady’s.
Mrs. Beau
You’ll send to Bellinda?
Sir Cha
My self, my self shall be the Messenger; In my eager Mind I’m already there; Methinks the Earth’s enchanted, and I tread on Air.
Mrs. Beau
So, there’s one pleas’d, I’m sure.
Cheat
Well, Brother, you’re welcome home, as I may say: Why,
here’s
Cousin Peggy grown up and
married since you went.
Mr. Flyw
What! Is that Bud come to the Blossom of Matrimony?
all by
the Mother’s Contrivance; a wise business, I believe. Sir, I
shall make bold
to examin into your Estate before I give my Daughter any.
Spend
Say ye so? and if you give your Daughter none, I
shall prove a second
Mr. Flywife.
Mrs. Peg
What’s that, Bold-face?
Spend
Nothing, Child.
La. Beauc
Ay, that’s a hopeful Match; I could find in my Heart to lock
my self up, and never see your ugly Faces agen.
Mrs. Beaum
Let’s follow, and appease her.
Arab
And as we go, you shall tellme what makes Sir Charles thus overjoy’d.
Mrs. Beaum
I will; and when we have done what he desir’d, we’ll go
all
to Bellinda’s, there we
shall find my Uncle.
Sir Fran
Come, Beaumont, let’s see the end of this surprizing Accident.
Mr. Flyw
How like a Dog a Man looks once escap’d! Forc’d back into the Matrimonial Noose; ’Tis a damn’d Joy to find the Wife I’d loose.
Bellinda[Speaker label not present in original source]
Sure some unseen Power holds me a moment longer; ah!
’tis no Power,
but foolish Love that shows the paths which
carries me from Beauclair, leading
to Death, or, what’s worse, Despair.
Bett
Madam, the Coach is ready.
Bell
I’m coming, be sure you let none have admittance.
Bett
I will not, Madam.
Bet
Oh, Sir! my Lady charg’d you should not enter.
Sir Cha
Away, you Trifler; where’s my Bellinda?
Bell
This is unmanly; not conquer your Desires, nor obey my positive
Commands!
Sir Cha
Oh, stay and hear me; let me hang upon your Knees, for
I am
out of breath, clasp and prattle o’er thee, like a glad Mother
when she hugs
her first-born Blessing after the pangs of Death; mine, like
hers, is Folly all,
but full of Fondness.
Bell
Oh!
Sir Cha
Sigh not, my Fair; by Heaven I am free from any Chains
but thine,
free as thy own clear Soul’s from Vice.
Bell
How! what mean ye? oh, rise, and stop my growing
Fears. Where’s
your Wife? is she well?
Sir Cha
Think not so basely of me, she’s well, and in her
Husband’s Arms,
oh, my Bellinda! in her Husband’s Arms; her
first and only Husband, Allen,
is return’d.
Bell
Forgetting all colder nicer forms, in thy faithful
Bosom let me receive
such News.
Sir Cha
My Life.
Bell
My Soul.
Sir Cha
Ha! the transporting Joy has caught her Rosie Breath,
and those
bright Eyes are in their snowy Lids retir’d: Oh, this is more,
much more than
ten thousand words cou’d have express’d. ’Wake, my
Bellinda, ’tis thy Beauclair
calls.
Bell
Do not view my blushing Face, I fear I have offended
that Virgin Modesty
by me still practis’d and ador’d; now we must stand
on forms, till time
and decency shall crown our Wishes.
Sir Cha
My Goddess, Conqueress, by thee for ever I am directed.
Bell
I know thy honest Heart so well, I do not scruple
the truth of what
you have said.
Sir Cha
You need not, Dearest; see, all our Friends come to confirm it.
and Arabella.]
Mrs. Beauc
Joy to my dear Bellinda.
Arab
Permit a stranger to rejoyce at the Reward of Virtue
and constant
Love.
Bell
Pardon my answers, Ladies, when I confess I scarce know where I am.
Sir Cha
Now I can mind the Affairs of my Friend; Sir
Francis, I observe
you very
assiduous to my Neice, has she receiv’d you for her
servant? and are
you resolv’d on the truest
Happiness, Constancy?
Sir Fran
Yes faith, Sir Charles, I am the
Lady’s Dog in a string, and have
violent pantings
towards the delicious Charmer; I hope she won’t long deferr
my Desires: But let that black Gentleman I’ve
so long dreaded do his
worst, he shan’t spoil
my stomach.
Mrs. Beauc
Ah! those pantings, Sir Francis, I
doubt they have mov’d your
stomach so often, till
they’ve quite took it away.
Sir Fran
A little forbearance, and such a tempting meal ――
Sir Cha
[to Mr. Beaumont] You,
Sir, too are blest; I read it in your Eyes,
and see
the Lady with ye.
Mr. Beaum
I fear no danger now, but dying of that pleasing Feaver
call’d
Rapture.
Cheat
To any man’s thinking, these now are going to Heaven
ding dong:
but hear me, Ladies; ’faith, all young
handsom fellows talk just so before Matrimony:
seven Years hence let me hear of Pantings, Heavings,
and Raptures;
no, Gadzooks, scarce Risings then: I shall live a
jolly Batchelor, and
laugh at your indifference, Gadzooks, I shall ――
Mrs. Beau
Well said ’Squire; we wou’d bring him along, Sir
Charles, I
think him very good-humour’d to this Lady, and believe his
Sister only made
him otherwise.
Sir Cha
I read in every Face a pleasing Joy, but you must
give me leave to
think that mine exceeds, rais’d to unexpected Worlds of Bliss,
when sunk in
Sorrows and Despair.
Kind Fate, beyond my Hopes, the Weight remov’d, And gave me all, in giving her I lov’d.
The End.
Errata.
By a
mistake in the Copy, which was false Folio’d, the Scene
in Sir Charles
Beauclair’s House,
Pag. 32, should have came in, in the latter part of the
third Act, which ends with,
“Cheat Oh,
that ever I should live to see my self hang’d.”