Monsieur Adviser

Mons. Facil, Where have you been
so early this morning, abroad?

Facil

I have been at Church,
to see a young Virgin and a Batchellor
married to day.

Take-pleas

How do you know
she is a Virgin?

Facil

By her modest Countenance.

Take-pleas

Faith, Women have more modesty in B their B1v 2
their countenance, then in their natures; wherefore
you may be deceived by her countenance; for Womens
countenances, like false glasses, make their
minds appear fairer then they are; for a modest countenance
may have a wanton mind.

Facil

But this Brides countenance was so modest,
I wish that I had been her Bridegroom.

Adviser

Would you have married her only for her
modest countenance?

Facil

Yes, for a modest countenance is the greatest
Beauty in my eye.

Adviser

Faith, that Beauty never lasts above a day,
nay, an hours acquaintance fadeth it, two hours wither
it, and in three hours it is quite vanish’d away.

Facil

Some Women have modest countenances and
natures all their life-time.

Adviser

Their life must be very short, if it last no
longer then their modesty; ’Tis true, Women have
feigned modesty, but not real modesty; for they put
on modesty, as they do paint, the one to make them
appear fairer, the other to make them appear chaster
then they are.

Facil

You do not deserve either a modest, or chast
Woman.

Adviser

Faith, I hate both modesty and chastity in
Women; for modesty and chastity are enemies to the
Masculine Sex, and worse then a Cloister, as being
more restraint.

Facil

Well, leaving Modesty, Chastity and Cloisters,
will you go to the Bridal-House?

Adviser

Yes, for I believe there will be liberty and
choice.

Facil

There will be two choice Brides.

Take-pleas

Why, hath one Man married two Women?

Facil

No, but two Men have married two Women;
for there are two Brides and two Bridegrooms.

Adviser

It had been better that one Bridegroom had
two Brides, for then he might have spar’d one for a Friend.

Facil

It had not been better for you, unless you
had been that Friend to receive that Courtesie.

Takepleas

I would have endeavour’d with all the
Rhetorick I have, and all the Protestations I could make,
and all the Oaths I could swear, to make him believe I
was his Friend, that he might be my Friend.

Facil

Come, come, they would have done thee no
service.

Adviser

But I might have done him service, at least to
his spare-Bride; but who are those that are Married?

Facil

Sir John Amorous, to the Lady Coy; and Sir
William Sage, to the Lady Vertue.

Aged

Mr. Longlife, I am glad to see you look so
well, and that you are strong and lusty.

Longl

So am I to see you so, good Master Aged.

Aged

I thank God, though I am old, I feel no stitches.

Longl

Beshrew me, I feel some stitches now and then

Aged

O! that is nothing, for the youngest and strongest
Man of them all, will feel stitches sometimes.

Longl

I rather wish the young Men did feel them,
then I, for they are better able to endure them; but what
News do you hear Mr. Aged?

Aged

Faith, none that is good, or that is worth the
hearing.

Longl

It is a sign the times are bad, the times are bad.

Aged

Men are so evil, Mr. Longlife, that the times
must needs be so.

Longl

The times were better when we were young.

Aged

We thought them so, being young; for young
Men have not much experience, nor long acquaintance
of the World; they endeavour to know, and be acquainted
with the Vices in the World, though not the
Vertues.

Longl

Faith, Vertue is rather talked of, then known,
at least thenp rn practised.

Aged

Indeed Men preach Vertue, but practise Vice.

Longl

’Tis such old Men as we are, that are the
Preachers, and young Men the Practitioners.

Aged

Yes, evil young Men say, That old Men preach
Vertue, when they are past practising Vice.

Longl

Indeed young Men despise old Men’s Counsels
and Advice, and will believe nothing they say, untill
they live to be old themselves, and then they see their
past-follies, and think themselves only wise, because they
are old.

Aged

Then all Men think themselves wise, if young
Men think themselves wiser then old Men, and old Men
think themselves wiser then young Men.

Longl

’Tis true, they do so; and the same way Men
think other Men Fools; for young Men think old Men
Fools, and old Men think young Men Fools.

Aged

Nay, old Men do more then think young
Men Fools, for they know young Men are Fools; for
’tis impossible they can be wise, for wisdom is not born
with Men, nor left to Men as Inheritances are.

Longl

No By’rlady, they must be bound Apprentices
to Time, and serve Time many years, before they
can be wise Men.

Aged

Well, let us leave foolish young Men to Time,
and let you and I go take the fresh air for Health.

Longl

With all my heart, let us go.

Adviser

Gentlemen Bridegrooms, we must rifle your
Brides of their Bride-Garters.

Sir J. Amorous

If it be the custom, I submit.

Sage

But I will not agree to such an uncivil custom,
for no man shall pull off my Wives Garters, unless it
be my self.

Vertue

We have pull’d off our Garters already, and
therefore if these Batchellor-Gentlemen, will have them,
we will send for them.

Facil

Pray Ladies let us have them, for the Bride-
Garters are the young Batchellors fees.

Courtly

Since we must not rifle for their Garters, let
us cast Dice for them.

Takepleas

Content.

M. Mediator

The Bridegrooms points being our fees,
therefore we must rifle for the points.

Sir W. Sage

If you please Ladies, we are ready to be rifled.

Vertue

Ladies, pray stay, for it is the custom, not to
unpoint the Bridegrooms, until they be ready to go to
bed.

Sir W. Sage

I am ready to go to Bed, if the Ladies please.

One of the Female-Guests

No, we will stay till Night.

1 Lady

The Lady Coy is one of the most modest and
bashful Brides that ever I saw; in so much, as she is
ashamed to look upon her Bridegroom.

2 Lady

Some of her modesty ought to be reserved,
or else she. will have none left for to morrow.

1 Lady

Why, doth Modesty wast like a Watchcandle,
in a night?

2 Lady

Yes, faith, it is a light that soon goes out, or
rather a shadow that soon vanishes.

1 Lady

Then the Lady Vertue has no shadows,
for she appears neither bashful, nor bold; but she is both
in her Behaviour and Countenance like a Bridal-Guest,
rather then a Bride.

Sir John Amorous

Pray let us not dance, but go to bed.

M. Mediator

That will be an injury to your Bridal-
Guests, to rob them of their Mirth and Musick, by
going to bed so soon.

L. Vertue

No, Ladies, we will dance; Musick, play.

Sir W. Sage

Gentlemen, and Ladies, for Heavens sake,
have mercy upon two languishing Bridegrooms, and
leave off dancing for this time.

M. Mediator

Have I found you out, Sir William Sage!

Sir W. Sage

I was never hid, Madam.

M. Mediator

Yes, but you were; for now I perceive
you would go to bed with your Bride.

Sage

I shall not need to obscure my desires, Madam,
for it is lawful for any Man to lie with his own wife.

Mediator

You are a Wag, you are a Wag, Sir
William.

Sage

No Madam, for to be a Wag, is to be unseasonably
wanton, which I am not.

Amorous

Faith, this Dancing is unseasonable, therefore
fair Ladies, attend the fair Brides to bed.

Female Guests

Come, Lady Coy, we will help to
undress you.

Coy

No truly, but you shall not, for I will not go
to bed.

Sage

What is the matter, Ladies, will not you let
our Brides go to bed?

Female Guests

We desire to wait on them, and to
help to undress them, but the Lady Coy will not go to
bed.

Sage

Then pray go with my Bride.

One of the Ladies

Yes, if she please to go to bed.

Sage

Wife will not you go to bed?

Vertue

Yes, if you please to have me.

Sage

’Tis my desire.

Amorous

Pray go to Bed.

Coy

Pray let me stay here.

Adviser

Faith, she would be carried to bed; carry
your Wife to bed, Sir John Amorous.

Amorous

Not against her will, although against her
consent.

Adviser

In words you mean.

Amorous

Come, Sweet-heart, I will usher you into
your Chamber.

Facil

O how happy a man is Sir John Amorous!
and how unhappy a man am I!

Adviser

Perchance two days hence, Sir J.John Amorous
will think himself as unhappy, as you think your self now,
for a great surfeit is as bad as a sharp hunger.

Lady Vertue

Pray Ladies help to undress me.

M. Mediator

That we will.

M. Mediator

Shall we fling the Stockins when you
and your Bridegroom are a bed?

L. Vertue

Yes, if you please, Ladies.

M. Mediator

And shall we break the Bride-Cake
over your head?

L. Vertue

I must intreat you to omit that custom,
as also setting a Sack-posset upon the bed; for the
crumbs of Cake and drops of Posset, will be very ill bedfellows;
besides, it is not a cleanly Custom; but I have
given order that all such Junkets shall be provided for
you in another room, to make you merry, when I and
my Husband are a bed.

M. Mediator

So I perceive, you will send us away,
as soon as you can.

L. Vertue

I’le leave your staying, or going away, to
your own discretion.

Servant

Madam, your Bridegroom hath sent to know,
whether you be in Bed.

L. Vertue

I shall be in a short time, tell him: Come
Ladies, let us go into the Bed-chamber.

Sir J. Amorous

Ladies, I shall leave my Bride with
you, to help her to bed.

M. Mediator

Come, Lady Coy, to morrow you will
be Lady Amorous.

1 Lady

Why, do Wives never take their Husbands
name till the day after Marriage?

M. Mediator

No, for the first day, they neither are
called by their own, nor their Husbands name; but are called D2r 11
called Brides, as an Interlude between both.

2 Lady

Come, come, undress the Bride.

M. Mediator

That we will soon do.

L. Coy

I will not be undrest.

1 Lady

What, Lady, will you lie in your Clothes?

M. Mediator

If she will lie in her Clothes, it will
neither be easie, convenient, nor cleanly; but come,
come, Lady we will undress you.

L. Coy

I will not be undrest.

M. Mediator

Lady, give me leave to ask you, whether
you married your Gown or your Person to your
Husband?

L. Coy

My Person.

M. Mediator

Then pull off your Gown, and go
unclothed to bed.

L. Coy

I would undress me, but I am ashamed to
lie with a Man.

M. Mediator

That shame is very unnecessary at this
time; wherefore cast it off with your Clothes.

L. Coy

I am afraid to lie by a Man.

M. Mediator

That fear is an effeminate fear, and will
not last long; wherefore undress, undress, for Loves sake.

L. Coy

I must go, and say my Prayers first.

M. Mediator

Faith, Jove will dispence, with a Bride
one night; the truth is, Bridal-Prayers are irreligious.

Maid

Here comes the Bridegroom and all the Gentlemen
attending him.

L. Coy

O! shut the door, shut the door, for Jupiters
sake.

Adviser

Open the Door, and let the Bridegroom in.

M. Mediator

He cannot come as yet, the Bride’s not
a bed.

Sir J. Amorous

Let me come in, or I’le break open
the door.

L. Coy

O keep him out, or I shall die for fear.

1 Lady

You shall not come, until we please.

Facil

Let us come, or we will enter by force.

1 Lady

You shall not, for we will defend the breach.

Courtly

With what? with what?

2 Lady

With our Tongues and Armes.

Courtly

Your Tongues are pointless and edgless, and
your Armes are weak defences.

M. Mediator

You shall find them otherwise; but
pray Sir J.John Amorous carry away your unruly Regiment,
and we will promise you upon our words, and honours,
that as soon as the Bride is in Bed, we will come to
you and give you notice, then usher you into the
Bride-bed, with Epithalamiums.

Sir J. Amorous

Upon condition that you will be
speedy, I will depart.

Ladies

We will, we will: Come Lady Coy to bed,
to bed, for shame.

Mercury

Madam Fancy do not you wish to be a
Bride, and that this night were your Wedding night?

Fancy

I should be well content to be a Bride, and
to have a Wedding day, conditionly the day would
last to the end of my life; but mistake me not, I mean
for the length of the day, not shortness of life.

Mercury

I perceive you would have no sleeping time.

Fancy

You mistake, I would have no Wedding
night.

Adviser

But are you seriously in love with the Lady Coy,
the now Lady Amorous?

Facil

Yes seriously, but I may despair I shall never
compass my desires.

Adviser

Faith, it is not probable you should obtain
them, but yet you had best try.

Facil

That were but to plunge my self deeper into
an unfortunate love.

Adviser

But a wise Man will omit no industry to
compass his desires, neither do the Gods assist idle and
cowardly Men.

Facil

But she is not only new Married, but so
guarded with Modesty and Vertue, as unlawful love
cannot get audience, much less a favour.

Adviser

Faith, if I were you, I would try in despite
of her Modesty and Vertue.

Facil

I dare not.

Adviser

Fie! a Lover and a Coward! when the
worst is but to be denied; but yet I would take many
denials, before I would desist of my Suit; and if you
do not pursue it, you partly deny your self.

Facil

How should I make my love known unto her?

Adviser

By some Lady confident, or she-servant
Favourite; as also by Complemental Letters, and Love-
Verses made in her praise; besides, making Balls and
Collations to entertain her.

Facil

I’le take your Counsel.

Adviser

But stay, here comes Mimick the Lady Amorous
Fool, who will be the fittest of all for this Employment;
I’le speak to him: Stay, stay, honest friend, and
let us speak a word or two.

Mimick

God be with you, Sir.

Adviser

But will not you stay, a word or two?

Mimick

Sir, I have stay’d twice two, that is four;
nay by the Mass it was six at least; for you have asked
me twice to stay, till you speak a word or two, and a
word, and a word, and two and two is six, by my Cal- E2v 16
Calculation; and if you speak a word and two more,
it will make three times three, that is just nine, the
Golden Number, if I be not mistaken.

Adviser

You are right, friend.

Mimick

A right friend is a great friend, and a great
friend is a good friend; and so God be with you, Sir.

Adviser

Nay stay and tell me, are not you the
Lady Amorous Mimick?

Mimick

No truly, Sir, I am the Lady Vertue’s Mimick,
and the Lady Amorous Fool.

Adviser

What, do you serve both the Ladies?

Mimick

I am at both the Ladies service, Sir; God
help me and give me Grace to please them well.

Adviser

Thou art an honest fellow.

Mimick

But an honest fellow cannot serve two
Mistresses, the more the pity!

Adviser

But you may serve this Gentleman, and he
will serve thee; for if thou will but conveigh Letters,
or can any way bring him to the private speech of the
Lady Amorous, he will reward you bountifully.

Mimick

I like the reward well; but I do not serve
the Lady Amorous, but the Lady Vertue; but she being
my Ladies Friend, and her Maid my Friend, I shall
do my endeavour to deserve his gifts.

Adviser

Faith, I doubt not, but our design will go
on well.

Facil

I wish it may.

Adviser

Whether away so fast, Take-pleasure?

Take-pleas

I am going to a Company of Ladies
that have sent for me.

Adviser

Let me go with you; for one Man can never
please a company of Ladies; and surely it seems
they are in great distress, otherwise they would not
have sent for you in such hast.

Take-pleas

Not sent for me! why, what do you
think of me?

Adviser

Why, I think you are a good fellow, and
love a Mistress well; but I do not think you the Grand
Signior.

Take-pleas

If I were, you should not come near my
Seraglio.

Adviser

But let me go with thee to these Ladies,
for they are not in a Seraglio, nor never will be; they
love their liberty so well.

Take-pleas

I am content, upon condition, you do
not so much as look upon those Ladies I court.

Adviser

But how if these Ladies look upon me?

Take-pleas

Yes, there is the mischief; therefore you
shall not go.

Adviser

But if you let me go, I’le promise you, I’le
wink to those Ladies that look on me.

Take-pleas

Winking is more dangerous then if you
should plainly woo them; for winking is a kind of F Woo- F1v 18
Wooing, and will win a Lady as soon as words will do.

Adviser

Then I will shut both my eyes.

Take-pleas

That will be worse, for that will put them
in mind of going to bed; it will be like sleeping.

Adviser

Prithee let me go, and order me as you will.

Take-pleas

Wellcome, and as we go I’le tell you, how
you shall behave your self to those Ladies.

Adviser

I will be govern’d according to your instructions.

M. Mediator

Where is the Lady Coy, the now Lady Amorous?

Maid

There; my Lady is within those
Curtains.

M. Mediator

Why are you so benighted, as to have
your Curtains drawn so darkly about you?

L. Amorous

I do not love the light.

M. Mediator

Are you faln out with the light?

L. Amorous

In truth I am ashamed to see the light.

M. Mediator

Ashamed! let’s see your face, whether
you blush or not?

L. Amorous

O fie! for Cupid and Venus sake do not
look upon me, for if you do, I shall die with blushing.

Ladies

Come, come, we will see you.

L. Amorous

I’le rather run away.

M. Mediator

Madam, we were a going to see how
you appear, since you are a Wife.

L. Vertue

I hope I do not appear worse then I did,
when I was a Maid; for I have not been Married so
long as to have Children, Cares and Troubles, to decay
my Youth and Beauty.

M. Mediator

No, but we did imagine you would
have been as most Brides are, shame-faced, and out of
Countenance.

L. Vertue

Why so, since Marriage is lawful, honest,
and honourable? for if Marriage had been an act, that
deserves a blush, I would not have Married.

2 Lady

But the Lady Coy, the now Lady Amorous,
your fellow-Bride, is so out of Countenance, and doth
so blush, as she is asham’d to appear in the light, and
is forced to shut her eyes through shame, when her
Husband looks upon her.

L. Vertue

Why, hath she deceived her Husband?
was she not a Virgin when she Married, that she is so
out of Countenance as not to return her Husbands looks?

2 Lady

No, it is, that she is so extream modest.

L. Vertue

Modesty is only ashamed of dishonesty,
and not of that, which is honest to the Laws of God,
Nature, and all civil Nations and People; but to answer
for my self, if my Husband approves, likes, and
is pleased with me, I have no reason to be out of Countenance;
and I hope my Vertue is such, as not to be ashamed
of the light: But come Ladies, I have prepared
a Banquet, to which I invite you, to join with me in
rejoicing at my happy Union.

Monsieur Adviser

What! writing!

Courtly

I am casting up some Accounts.

Adviser

Faith, I will see what a good Husband
you are.

Courtly

That Paper is the account of yesterday’s
expence.

Adviser

I can judge by a day’s expence a week’s,
and by a week’s a year’s.

Courtly

That you cannot, for some days and weeks
are more expensive then others.

Adviser

Faith, at the years end several sums comes
to one and the same yearly sum, as so much yearly
spent.

Courtly

Indeed for the most part it doth.

Adviser

Leave your talking, and let me read your
Expences, this is the yesterday’s expence; let me see, here
is the account of the expence of Ushering four Ladies.

• Imprimis, To a Sexton, to place four Ladies in several
  Pews in a Puritan Church, to hear a holy Brother
  preach, 2 Crowns.
• Item, For Sillibubs in the Park for those Ladies, 20 s.
• For two little baskets of Cherries, that hold some
  dozen Cherries a piece, but the first of this year, 15 s.
• To the Keeper of the Park-gate, half a Crown.
• Item. for Cheesecakes and Rhennish-Wine in the fine
  Garden for those Ladies, 20 s.
• To a Fortune-teller, to tell those Ladies their Fortuunes,
  40 s.
• Also to the Door-keeper of the Garden, half a Crown.
• Item. for a Supper for those Ladies at my Lodgings,
  5 l.
• To the Musick, 3 l.
• For Torches to light those Ladies home to their
  Lodgings, 5 shill.
• The total comes to 13 l. 15 s.

You might have saved the 5 s. for Torch-light, by
keeping those Ladies all night in your Lodgings.

Courtly

I should have been a loser by that thrift.

Facil

But do you spend every day thus much on
Ladies?

Courtly

Not every day, but most days I do.

Adviser

And after one and the same manner, and
in the same places, and with the same Ladies?

Courtly

No, I have variety for my money.

Facil

Why, that is some comfort to you, and
pleasure to the Ladies; but will it hold out?

Courtly

No, faith, for neither my purse nor person
will hold out; wherefore I must leave off to play the
Gentleman-usher to Ladies, and go into the Country.

Adviser

You had better be the fore-horse in a Cart,
then first Gentleman-usher in a Coach; ushering is so
laborious; besides, the intollerable charge; in so much
that you may with less expence maintain a whole Village
of Country Wives with their Daughters and Maidservants,
then entertain one Lady; moreover, those Villages
will serve you, when as you are forced through
civility to serve the Ladies.

Courtly

You say true; therefore I’le go into the
Country.

Adviser

But will not those Ladies follow you?

Courtly

I cannot tell.

Adviser

Let me tell you, That is to be consider’d;
and I would not have you go into the Country, for I
and the rest of your friends would be sorry to lose
your Company.

Courtly

Faith, the Ladies ingross me so much, as I have G2r 23
have no time to say my Prayers, or to think of my
self, much less to keep Company with my friends.

Fa

It seems you do not take the Ladies to be your friends.

Courtly

If they be, they are very troublesome, and
chargeable friends, which Friends, I could be well content
to be quit off, if I could tell how or which way.

Adviser

There be a hundred wayes to shake off
those Ladies, if you will.

Courtly

No faith, I cannot; for they stick as close as burres, unless I should rudely quarrel with them, and
basely raile against them; and if I did, it would be a
question still whether I should be quit of them?

Adviser

Let me advise you, how you may civilly
be quit of them.

Courtly

I shall gladly follow your advice.

Adviser

Do not visit them, out of some pretence
you are not well.

Courtly

If I do not visit them, they’l visit me.

Adviser

Then pretend some Law-suit.

Courtly

Faith, they will follow me, and go to all the
Courts of Judicature, to hear my Cause pleaded and judged.

Adviser

Then go to a Tavern every day, they will
not follow you thither.

Courtly

Yes faith, some of them will, at least to the
Tavern door in their Coaches to require my Company;
but howsoever, they will send messenger after messenger
to hasten me to them, pretending earnest business; and
when I come, ’tis either to usher them to a Play, or to Church, G2v 24
Church, or to the Exchange, or to the places of pleasure,
or to the Fields, Park, or Garden, or else to some
Ball, or particular meeting, or to some Picture-drawer,
or to play at Cards, or the like; and to Man them to
these places, they will send to me, before I am up or
awake; the truth is, they will not let me rest in quiet.

Facil

But this is a slavish life.

Courtly

It is so.

Adviser

But do they never reward thy service,
Courtly?

Courtly

Yes, as the Devil doth his Servants.

Adviser

How is that?

Courtly

With fire; for they send me hot burning
Spirits, which are called Cordials.

Adviser

It seems they think you want strength.

Courtly

I must needs, when they tire me off my
legs, ushering them from place to place.

Facil

Do they give thee no Amorous favours?

Courtly

Yes; but they are better pleased, I should
prevent them, and take favours from them before they
are presented.

Facil

But that is some recompence for thy time and
charge.

Courtly

The recompence, if you call it so, is the
worse; for I had rather give them my Estate, then receive
their Rewards; for though they make their favours,
as a reward to their Courting-servants; yet their
rewards are their chief pleasures, and the rewarded pains H1r 25
pains, {Handwritten deletion: of} end of handwritten deletion {Handwritten addition: for} end of handwritten addition their Courting servants, lose more health by
their favours, then they get wealth in their service.

Adviser

The last advice is, You must be as if you
were drunk.

Courtly

That advice is worst of all; for then they are
so busie, and make such puddering about me, to lay me
to sleep, as they make me almost mad.

Adviser

You have said so much, as I perceive your
own advice is the best, to go into the Country; and
if the Country will not save your body, life and estate,
from these Locust-Ladies, you must travel into some
other Kingdom.

Courtly

If I do, they will follow me; for Ladies are
as far-travellers in this age, as the Men; and I know some
Gentlemen that are followed by Ladies out of one Kingdom
into another, so as they do not know whether to
go, for the World is not sufficient to hide or obscure
them from the Ladies search.

Adviser

Why, then most of the Men must turn
Fryers, for that is to live in this world, as if they liv’d
out of it.

Courtly

That shift will not serve their turn; for if
the Cavaliers turn Fryers, the Ladies will turn Nunnes,
and then make those Fryers their Confessors.

Adviser

Then there is no way for Men to escape
those Ladies followers.

Courtly

Yes, there is one way.

Adviser

What way is that?

Courtly

You must excuse me, for I will not declare
it.

Facil

I wonder Mimick stays so long, and doth
not bring me an answer yet, from the Lady Amorous. [Enter Mimick.]
But here he is.

Facil

Monsieur Mimick! well met; have you delivered
my Letter to the Lady Amorous?

Mimick

Yes, Mr. Facil, I did deliver it to her.

Facil

And how did she receive it?

Mimick

Faith, she received your Letter, as all Women
do Love-Presents.

Facil

How is that?

Mimick

With an outward dislike, and an inward
affection.

Facil

If she received my Letter, with a displeased
countenance, I judg she doth not love me.

Mimick

Then your judgment is not wise; for love
lives not in the countenance, but in the heart.

Facil

But the Countenance expresses love; for a
well pleased Countenance, expresses a well affected
heart.

Mimick

If you ground your belief on a Womans
Countenance, you will be deceived; for Womens
Countenances for the most part are as false as their faces;
the one is glast with smiles, as the other with Pomatum;
and dissembling modesty is like Spanish Red, which is soon H2r 27
soon rub’d off with acquaintance and jealousie; or a
peevish humour wipes off their smiles; so that there is
no trust in their Countenances; for they change every
minute of an hour; wherefore, they are unskilful Men,
and unhappy Lovers, that steer the course of their desires,
by the Card of their Mistresses Countenances,
which vary almost every moment, or by the Stars of
their Mistresses eyes, which are wandring Planets. The
truth is, most Lovers have troublesome Voyages in
love, by reason all Womens minds are as inconstant
as the wind.

Facil

But I hope, by your favour and industry for
me, to the Lady, my Voyage will be easie and free.

Mimick

Do you believe I have power on your
Mistress mind, as the Witches of Lapland have on the
Winds?

Facil

Faith, Monkies, Dogs, Parrots, and Fools, are
powerful with Women, especially with Ladies.

Mimick

Then deliver your Love-Letters to the
Ladies Monkys, tell your Love-Messages to the Ladies
Parrots, and give your Love-Collations to the Ladies
Dogs, and your Love-bribes to my Ladies Fool.

Facil

It is the easiest way; only to employ her
Fool, and to encourage you, I give you five Pounds
for the present, and more I promise you hereafter, to
plead my suit, and to speak in my behalf.

Mimick

Faith, your case is so bad, as it requires a
witty and ingenuous knave to make it seem a good case, and H2v 28
and an eloquent Orator to make it seem a clear case;
for Oratory makes a foul case seem fair, and great fees
makes an Orator’s wit quick, and his tongue smooth.

Facil

Well, I will trust to your Knavery, wish
well to your Oratory, and hope Fortune will favour
your Wisdom.

Mimick

You mistake; for Fortune never favours
wise Men, but Fools.

Mimick

Well, craft shall serve for wisdom, and the
chief part of my craft must be to Fool this Lover, or
rather to cozen him; for Lovers are Fools of Cupid’s
making, and they wear Fools Coats in Cupid’s Court.

Sir W. Sage

Surely Mimick has State-matters in his
head, he is so studious and serious.

L. Vertue

Mimick?

L. Vertue

Why Mimick, are you deaf?

Mimick

I am somewhat thick of hearing.

Sir W. Sage

But Mimick, let us know what is the
cause you are in so serious a study.

Mimick

I am considering with my self, what profession
I shall be of.

L. Vertue

And what Profession have you chosen to
be of?

Mimick

I have not chosen any as yet, for I waver
in my mind amongst many Professions, as an amorous
Lover doth amongst many Ladies, not resolving which
to address himself to; for though he would enjoy them
all, yet he can court but one at a time; and though he
resolveth to court all, yet he can but enjoy one at a
time.

Sir W. Sage

But he may court and enjoy them all,
one after another.

Mimick

Faith, that is an endless work; for before the
last Lady is courted and enjoyed, he will be forced to
be of the Profession of a Priest, to preach his own funeral
Sermon, or of a Sexton, to dig his own grave: But
leaving Priests and amorous Lovers, what Profession
shall I be of?

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Courtier?

Mimick

There are so many Court-fools, that they
never thrive with that Profession; for what they get
by flattery, they spend in vanity.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Lawyer?

Mimick

The Law is more of the Knaves then the
Fool’s side, therefore I shall never thrive in that Profession.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Merchant?

Mimick

I could Traffick with Jest, but I am afraid
in some of my Ventures I should have my head broke; I there- I1v 30
therefore, I will not be of that Profession.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a States-man?

Mimick

Faith, I think I am fool enough to be a
States-man, but I have not Formality enough; besides,
I shall make such disorders and disturbances in State-
affairs, as I may chance to be kill’d in an uproar or
seditious Tumult.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Soldier?

Mimick

No, for I am more safe from danger in my
Fools Coat, then they in their Iron-arms; and shall
get more by a Fool’s Profession, then a Soldiers.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Scholar?

Mimick

That I am now; for I learn every day to
play the Fool better and better.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a City-Magistrate?

Mimick

I like that the best; for my Fools Coat
will serve for my Magistrates Gown; but yet I am afraid
of the Common-people in these seditious times.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Traveller?

Mimick

O Lord! so I may travel to my wit’s end.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Chymist?

Mimick

Faith, I get more Gold by playing the
Fool with Lords and Ladies, then Chymists do by
playing the Fools with Fire and Furnace.

Sir W. Sage

Then I think you had best continue
your own Profession still, which is to play the Fool.

Mimick

But my Profession of playing the Fool is a gene- I2r 31
a general Profession, and I would fain have a particular
Profession; for there are few Men but have some other
Profession besides their Natural Profession; Wherefore,
I must study some other Profession.

L. Vertue

What do you think then of being a
Vintner?

Mimick

My Guests will drink up my Wine, and
leave me their Scores; lie with my Wife, and give her
the Pox; and if I have not a handsom Woman to my
Wife, I shall have no Guests.

L. Vertue

What think you of being a Taylor?

Mimick

I shall have only my Measures for my pains,
and the shreds for my labour.

Sir W. Sage

What think you of being a Usurer?

Mimick

So a Fool and his Money would be soon
parted, and I shall have bonds for my Money; but a
hundred to one if I get my Money by the bonds.

L. Vertue

What think you of being an Amorous
Lover?

Mimick

I shall woo more Mistresses, then I shall win,
and win more Mistresses then I shall use.

L. Vertue

But you may get a rich Wife, if you
Woo well.

Mimick

If I should woo the best of any Man, I shall
sooner get the Pox with a Mistress, then Wealth with
a Wife; for Fortune is the only Match-maker.

Sir W. Sage

But there is a saying, That Fools have
Fortune.

Mimick

Not all fools; for there be more Fools then
good fortune; the truth is, There are so many Fools,
as it is impossible for Fortune to favour them all.

L. Vertue

But Fortune may favour those that are
most foolish.

Mimick

Then she will not favour me; wherefore
I’le reject Fortune, relie upon my own wit.

L. Vertue

Your Wit is so weak, as it cannot uphold
you.

Mimick

I’le try the strength of it, and when I fall
for want of Wit, it is a proper time for Fortune to
raise me up to shew her power.

Sir W. Sage

Well, we will leave you to your study,
and when you have chosen a Profession, I suppose you
will make us acquainted with it.

Mimick

No doubt of it; for youu must help to put
me into practise.

Aged

Longlife. How are you since you went abroad,?

Long

Very well, I thank you Mr. Aged.

Aged

I am now come to you, to ask you a question,
whether you would not think it were wise for us,
we having only two Children you, a Son and I a Daughter,
to match them together, and so we being both
rich, we may joyn our Estatees together, by joyning
our Children together which will make them both flow
in plenty,.

Long

I like your proposition, concerning the joyninging K1r 33
our riches together, by joyning our Children together:
But my Son is a Wit, Mr. Aged, and your
Daughter I hear is a Wit; and if their wits be joyned
together, it may over power their Wealth; for Wit and
Wealth doth never agree together; For wit regards not
Wealth, and wealth regards not wit; which is the reason
that those, which have most Wit, (which are Poets) are
poor; For you shall seldom read, or hear, That natutral
Poets are rich. And both our Children being Poetical,
should we marry them together, would undo
them.

Aged

By the Mass, you say true.

Long

Then we must endeavour to marry our Children
to Fooles; you must provide a foolish man for
your Daughter, and I a foolish woman for my Son;
That the dulness of the Fool, may allay the quickness of
the Wit, which will make a good temper, causing them to
thrive in wealth, and to increase Posterity; for let me
tell you, That great Wits for the most part have few
Children, but what their brain produces, which are Ideas,
Inventions and Opinions; Ideas are Daughters; Inventions
are Sons, and Opinions Hermaphrodites; and the
production of these Incorporeal Children, hinders the production
of Corporeal Children; and we both desire to
have Corporeal Grand-Children to uphold our Families.

Aged

You say wisely, Mr. Long-life; and therefore,
we must endeavour to marry our Children to Fools, for
the Wealth and Posterities of our Families.

Lady

Sir John, Sir John, I take it very unkindly,
that you should go abroad, and leave my Company?

Sir J. Amor

Sometimes, Wife, to be absent from each
other, is a refreshment, and Temperance is part of Prudence.

Lady

I love not such Refreshments, Temperance,
and Prudence; wherefore, you must either stay at home
and keep me Company, or I shall seek other Company
elsewhere.

Sir J. Amor

That will be some ease; for I had rather
be a Cuckold then be bound to one Woman,
especially my Wife.

Sir J. Amor

Mal, I’le prefer thee.

Maid

I thank you, Master.

Sir J. Amor

I’le prefer thee from my Servant, to be
my Mistress.

Maid

If you had been unmarried, and would prefer
me from being your Mistress, to be your Wife, I
should have taken it for an honour.

Sir J. Amor

But I am Married, Mal, and thou shalt
take thy Ladie’s place, in thy Ladie’s absence.

Maid

I had rather Marry Tom your Butler lawfully,
then lie with my Master unlawfully.

Sir J. Amor

Why, Mal, Love is lawful, and to serve
your Master is lawful; wherefore, it is lawful to serve
your Master’s Love.

Maid

But some kinds of Love are unlawful, and
some kinds of Service are unlawful; for it is unlawful to
love Vice, and unlawful to serve the Devil; wherefore
it is unlawful to be my Master’s Whore.

Sir J. Amor

To be your Master’s Whore, is to be
your Master’s Mistress; and to be the Butler’s Wife, is
to be the Butler’s Slave; but I’le leave you to the Butler’s
droppings of his Taps: But howsoever, Consider
it well, Mal, for you will be good enough for the
Butler afterwards.

Sir William Sage

I Wonder that Mimick is not here! for his Company
is very delightful, to pass away idle; time for idle
time is only free for Fools Company.

Lady

He is rather a Knave then a Fool; but here
he comes.

Sir W. Sage

Mimick, have you chosen a Profession
yet?

Mimick

Yes, marry have I, for I intend to be an
Orator.

Sir W. Sage

If you be a professed Orator, I suppose
you have studied a speech.

Mimick

Yes, I have studied, as Orators use to do, in
making an Oration; for I have rackt my Brain, stretch’d
my Wit, strapado’d my Memory, tortured my thoughts,
and kept my Sences awake.

Sir W. Sage

Certainly, it is a very eloquent and wise
Oration, since you have taken so much pains.

Mimick

Labour and Study is not a certain rule for
wise, witty, or eloquent Orations or Speeches; for many
studied Speeches are very foolish: But will you hear my
Speech?

Sir W. Sage

I will.

Mimick

But then Master, you must stand for, signifie,
or represent a Multitude, or an Assembly.

Sir W. Sage

That is impossible, being but a single
person.

Mimick

Why doth not a single Figure stand for a
Number, as the Figure of Five, Eight or Nine, and joining
Ciphers to them, they stand for so many Hundreds,
or Thousands: And here be two Joint-Stools, one of
which Stools and you Lady shall serve for two Ciphers
and my Master for the Figure of Nine, and so you two
and the Joint-Stool make Nine hundred.

Sir W. Sage

But if the Assembly be so big, as to be
a Company of Nine hundred they cannot all stand so
near, as to hear what you speak, neither can your voice
reach to the Circumferent Ears.

Mimick

The greatest Glory of an Orator is to have
Crouds of People follow him, and those that hear the
least will praise him the most; and the truth is, That all
Orators gain more renown by those that do not hear
them, but only see them, then by those that stand so
near, as to hear what they speak; for there is ten to one
of those that do not hear them, to those that
do hear cthem; So that if those that do
hear them, should dispraise their Orations, yet those
that hear them not, will commend them, and having
ten to one of their side, they may say what they will,
they shall be applauded, and the most Voices carry
them up to Fame’s Tower; which considering, I will
set another Joint-stool as another Cipher to my Lady,
and three Ciphers, with the Figure of Nine, my Master,
will make it Nine thousand.

Sir W. Sage

As many as you please.

Mimick

But what shall I have for a Pulpit or standing
place? for I must mount above all the Assembly?

Lady

Take another Joint-stool, and stand upon that.

Mimick

O fie! that will not appear well; besides, I
shall stand tottering, ready to fall, and the very fear of
falling, will put me out of my Speech.

Lady

But you will appear standing upon a Joint-
stool, like as a Statue upon a Pedistal.

Mimick

I should be well pleased to have a Statue
made for me, and set up as an honour and remembrance
of me; but I shall not be pleased to stand as a Statue
my self.

Sir W. Sage

Why then get a Tub; and stand in that.

Mimick

A Tub will not do me any service, unless
it be a mounted Tub. But for this time I’le stand upon
the Table, without Tub or Case, to speak the naked
truth; and thus I ascend.

Lady

Begin.

Mimick

Stay, I must breathe first, hawk, spit, blow
my nose, humm, and look gravely round about upon
the People, and then speak at first in a low voice, then
raise my Voice by degrees, until I come to the highest
strain or point.

Noble, Honourable, and Worthy Auditors, I am
come here to speak of a Subject which concerns
all Men; which General Subject is Women; and I am
not only to Treat of Women, which is an easie Subject
to be Treated of; but of the Chastity of Women,
which is an hard, frozen Subject; and so hard frozen
it is, that all the heat Love can bring is not able to
thaw it; the truth is, Chastity is a Subject, that lives at
a great distance; for though the two Names, Woman
and Chastity, are oft-times joined together, yet the several
Subjects of those Names, dwell not near each other; for
Chastity dwells at the Poles, where no Woman is; and
Women dwell or inhabit the Torrid Zone, where no Chasti- L2r 39
Chastity is: Thus you may perceive that Names are
more easily joined, then the things they signifie; but
how to bring Chastity and Women together, is the difficulty,
indeed so difficult as it is impossible; and as impossible
as for hot Hell and cold Heaven to meet, or
for gods and devils to be friends: But noble Auditors
the Names Chast Women being join’d together, are
sufficient; for that Conjunction of Names contents,
satisfies and pleases all Men, as Fathers, Sons, Brothers
and Husbands, that would have their Daughters, Sisters,
Mothers and Wives Chast; and as for Amorous
Lovers, they are pleased to have the Subjects dwell at
distance; so that Art and Nature, Deceit and Verity
have agreed together to make all Men happy, so far
as concerns Women.

Lady

Leave off your Prating, or I’le fling one of
these Ciphers at your head.

Mimick

Will not you let me speak out my Oration?

Lady

No, unless it were better.

Mimick

If you will let me speak out my Speech, I’le
make the two Poles meet in the very forehead of the
Torrid Zone of a Man’s head.

Lady

I’le hear no more; wherefore, come off from
the Table.

Mimick

Well, I obey, although I am vexed at the
heart, that I must not speak out my Speech, as also to
be disgraced before an Assembly of Nine thousand.

Lady

You knavish Fool, what cause invited, perswaded,
or commanded you to speak an Oration concerning
the Chastity of Women?

Mimick

That which perswaded me to speak an Oration,
and not only an Oration, but a factious or
malicious Oration was that which perswaded all Orators;
first, fself-love to shew their Wit; next, their ill
Nature to make a division and dissention amongst
Mankind.

Lady

Well, since you have express’d the evil Orators
of these evil times, such as make Factions and Divisions;
I will express such Orators as ought to be;
and thus I’le speak to this Assembly.

Noble, Honourable and Worthy Auditors, I am
come here to contradict a Knavish Fool, that
has spoken to the Disgrace of Women; saying, That
only the Names of Women and Chastity are joined
together, but the Subjects dwell far asunder; which is
false; for though some Women, as the scum of the
Female Sex, be Incontinent, yet all Women are not
so; for some Women are Chast by Nature, others by
Vertue, and some by Honour: As for Vertue and
Honour, they are like to Plants set or planted by Education,
and grow up like to tall Cedars or strong
Oaks in the Mind, which bear no evil sfruits; as Vicesces M1r 41
and base qualities, or evil and dishonest desires: But
Worthy Auditors, give me leave to tell you, That
Women are the unhappiest Creatures which Nature
ever made; not only that they are the most shiftless
Creatures, but the most abused of any other Creatures,
and only by Men; who do not only continually assault
them, and endeavour to corrupt and betray them,
but they have enslaved them, and do often defame
them with slanders and reproaches, vain glorious boasts,
and lying brags; the truth is, Men are like Devils to
Women, seeking whom they may devour; inticing,
alluring, perswading and flattering Women, to the
ruine of their Souls, Bodies, Minds, Fortunes, and
good Names; but Women are beloved and favoured
by the gods, who endue their Bodies with Beauty,
and their Minds with Spiritual Grace, their Thoughts
with Religious Zeal, and their Lives with Pious Devotions;
which keeps their Bodies Chast, their Minds
pure, and their Lives Vertuous: But those few Women
that are Incontinent, are rather Beasts then Women;
but most Women are Angelical; and though
Men defame them, yet the Gods glorifie them.

Mimick

Lady, if you speak any longer of the Female
Subject, you will cast them from Heaven into Hell;
for you cannot go beyond Heaven, Angels and Gods.

Lady

I am content to speak no more of them at
this time, but leave them in bliss.

Sir W. Sage

Mimick, your Lady will be too hard
for you.

Mimick

Yes in Foolery, but not in Wit.

Monsieur Courtly

Where were you, that I did not see you all
yesterday, nor most part of this day?

Adviser

Faith, I was all the Morning at a Sermon,
and at Noon I went to a Tavern, in the Afternoon
I went to a Play, and at night I went to a Common-
house, and from thence I went to the Gaming-house,
and there I stay’d till late in the Morning; and then
I went home, and lay and slept so long, as I have but
newly dined.

Courtly

Dined, say you! why it is almost Supper-
time.

Adviser

Not with me.

Courtly

No; for you turn the Day into Night, and
Night into Day.

Adviser

I did not so yesterday.

Court

Yes, but you did; for you spent all the day
in deeds of darkness.

Adviser

Will you say, that hearing a Sermon is a
deed of darkness?

Courtly

Yes, unless you did profit by it, which I do
not perceive you did; the truth is, by your after-actions
you seem the worse for it.

Adviser

I’le confess to you, my friend, that the
Sermon made me so dull and melancholy, as I was forced
to go to a Tavern, to revive and comfort my Mind
with some Spiritual Liquor; and from thence I went
to a Play to recreate my Thoughts, and to take them
from all sad Contemplations, in seeing and hearing a
merry Comedy acted; and the truth is, the Play made
me so lively, as I became so wanton, that I was forced
to go to a Common-house, and after I had convers’d
with the Woman, I was as dull and melancholy as
I was after the Sermon; so then I went to the Gaming-
house for diversion, knowing I should meet store of
Company; and being there, I fell to play, where I lost
all my Money; for which I was so troubled, as I wish
my self dead, having not any Money left to live; and
being moneyless, I went home to bed, that I might
sleep and forget my loss for a time.

Courtly

But did not the thoughts of the loss hinder
your sleep?

Adviser

No faith; for my thoughts were so opprest
with grief, as they fell fast asleep, and so fast asleep they
were, as I did not dream.

Courtly

But now they are awake, they remember
your losses, do they not?

Adviser

Yes, but I will perswade you to go with me to M2v 44
to the Tavern, there to drink out the remembrance.

Courtly

Tom, Thou art welcome.

Take-pleas

Go hang your self, for you are not a
Man of your word, for you promis’d to meet me at
the Crown-Tavern, where I stay’d for you till twelve
a Clock last night, expecting your coming.

Courtly

And how did you pass away the solitary
time?

Take-pleas

Faith, I call’d for some Tobacco, and a
pint of Wine, and then I took a Pipe, then drunk
a glass of Wine, and you did not come; then I took
another Pipe, and drunk another glass of Wine, and
you did not come; so I took Pipe after Pipe, and
drunk Glass after Glass, until the Pint-pot was empty;
then I call’d for another Pint, and another Pint, and
drunk them as the first; and still you stay’d, and still
I drunk so long as I was almost drunk, expecting your
Company; but at last finding my Stomack full, and
my head light, and the night far spent I went home and
so to bed.

Adviser

Without saying your Prayers?

Take-pleas

Faith, I could not say my Prayers for
Cursing of Courtly; but at last I fell asleep with a Curse
in my mouth, which Curse I found in my mouth
when I did awake in the morning.

Adviser

Did you swallow the Curse down, or spit
it out?

Take-pleas

Faith, it had almost choak’d me; for it
stuck so in my Throat, as I could neither get it up, nor
down, but at last I spit it out, for it was as bitter as
Gall.

Courtly

You had no reason to curse me, if you were
drunk; for the only design of our meeting at the Tavern,
was but to be drunk.

Take-pleas

That is true; but there is no pleasure to
be drunk without a Companion.

Courtly

The truth is, I could not come; for I was
forced against my will to Sup with a Lady.

Take-pleas

Faith, Women spoile all good fellowship;
but I had been better Company for her last night,
then you were.

Courtly

Come, come, let us go to the same Tavern,
and there end all Quarrels.

Monsieur Facil

Master Mimick, I am come according to your appointment.

Mimick

Then Mr. Facil you may depart according
to my appointment.

Facil

But you assured me, That if I came at this
hour, I should have access to your Lady.

Mimick

But Women change their mind every minute,
and are in threescore several minds or humors in
an hour; and this minute the Lady is in a very angry
humor, which will not agree with your amorous
humor.

Facil

But I’le stay until her angry humor is past.

Mimick

Then you may stay until you be weary;
for she will change out of one angry humor into another,
until she hath run out an hour; for there be
many several kinds and sorts of angry Humors.

Facil

But I will stay an hour.

Mimick

But if you do, it is not likely that the
Lady will be in a humor to entertain your Courtly
address; for it is probable, as being most usual, that
from the last angry humor, she will change into the first degree
of a Melancholy humor.

Facil

Then I will attend two hours, until such time
as she will be out of her Melancholy humor.

Mimick

That will not do you any service; for out
of the last Melancholy humor she will change into a
pious humor, and so from one pious humor into another,
until such time as she comes to weep like a Mary
Magdalen, and after floods of Tears she will fall fast asleep;
her Sences and Spirits being tired with Kneeling,
Praying, Sighing and Weeping, and after she awakes
from her devout sleep, she may chance to bestow a
Charity upon you.

Facil

I’le attend in hope of that Charity.

Mimick

I perceive by you, that Lovers will take no
excuses or denials; but yet this last I hope will drive
you away, which is, The Lady has the Wind-collock;
wherefore she will not admit of a visit, especially Amorous
Suiters this day.

Facil

By this I find that you have fill’d me with
hope, to delude me.

Mimick

Let me tell you, that Love is the greatest
Deluder, or Cheater, especially Amorous Love; but to
keep you from dispair, I’le promise you (for Promises
keep Lovers alive) I will devise some way to corrupt
this Lady to your desires, although it requires much
labour, study, wit, and time, to corrupt Chastity; and
since my Service will be great, my Reward must
not be small.

Facil

Then here I give you Ten pounds to reward
your Knavery.

Mimick

Why, this is right as it should be, for one
Knave to Fee another, that Knavery may thrive.

Merc

Madam, I take it for a great favour and obligation,
that you will receive my visit.

Fancy

It would be an Obligation to my self, to
oblige a worthy person, such as I believe you are,
but I do not perceive how I can merit thanks in receivingving N2v 48
your Visit, for I suppose you can better pass
your time, then with my dull Company, and unprofitable
Conversation.

Merc

It is a particular favour, because you do
not not usually receive Visits.

Fancy

The reason why I do not usually receive
Visits, is out of a respect to the Visiters, knowing I
have not Wit to entertain them, Speech to delight them,
nor Learning to profit them; so they would but lose
their time in visiting me; and I chuse rather to lose the
profit I might gain by hearing wise, witty, and learned
Visiters; then they should lose their time by learning
nothing themselves; for Wisdom and Wit desires to
advance in Knowledg, and not to stand at a stay; for
though prating Fools take pleasure to inform, and formal
Fools to reform; yet wise Men delight to be informed
and reformed, through a noble ambition to attain
to perfection.

Merc

Which Perfection, Madam, you have arrived
to.

Fancy

That is impossible, for Nature hath made
Women so defective, as they are not capable of Perfection.

Merc

Madam, my Soul is wedded to your Vertue,
and my Contemplations to your Fancy, and my
Love and Person longs to be wedded to your Beauty
and Chastity.

Aged

How is that! Merit, Spirit, and I know not
what! Daughter, I am come to forbid you the Company
of Sir Mercury Poet, and that you receive not
any of his Visits: And Sir Mercury Poet, I do forbid
you my Daughters Company.

Merc

Sir, I have not visited your Daughter, without
your leave; for you were pleased to invite me to
wait on your Daughter.

Aged

’Tis true, for I did believe, (by reason your
Father and I being old acquaintance, and loving friends,
and both being rich, and having Children, he a Son,
and I a Daughter) it might be very proper and fit to
have agreed to have matched you together; but since
your Father and I having debated and considered well
upon the Case, we find it no ways profitable for
either.

Merc

Where is the disadvantage or hinderance?

Aged

Your Wit.

Merc

Is Wit a Crime?

Aged

It ought to be made Criminal; for it is not
only unprofitable, but ruinous; not any person thrives
that has it; and it makes those that are rich, poor; and
those that are poor, uncapable to be rich.

Merc

They that have Wit, need no other wealth,
Sir.

Aged

Mr. Longlife, I find now your words true,
That Wit regards not Wealth; for your Son says, That
Wit is Wealth enough of it self.

Longl

Yes, yes, Mr. Aged; but he will find, Wit
cannot buy Land, unless he joins Knavery to it.

Merc

True Wit is always just, and honest, it knows
no double dealing; and honour is the ground on which
it builds a Fame.

Longl

But if you have no other ground, nor other
building, but Honour and Fame, you may beg for
your livelihood, or starve for want of bread.

Merc

I had rather die for want of bread, then live
without honourable Fame; and Fortune’s goods are
poor to those that Nature gives.

Longl

O Mr. Aged, I am unhappy, undone; for I
perceive my Posterity will be all Beggars: And therefore,
if you will not change your Principles soon, I
will disinherit you.

Merc

You cannot, Sir; for though you may give
away your Land, you cannot give away my Wit (if
I have any.)

Longl

If I cannot, I will marry you to a Fool; so
that though you be poor, your Children may be rich.

Merc

If you please, Sir, and Mr. Aged consent, I
desire I may Marry this Lady.

Longl

No, no, Son she hath Wit, I know by her
silence, otherwise her tongue would have run a race
in this time.

Fancy

I can speak Sir, but I doubt I have not Wit
to speak well.

Longl

Nay, if you talk of Wit, you are not for
my Son.

Fancy

Your Son hath so much Wit, that what
Woman soever he Marries, cannot continue a Fool
long, for she will get Wit from him, and yet he will
have no less, for Nature still supplies his store.

Longl

But my Grand-Children may be Fools, if
my Son’s Wife be none of Natures witty Daughters.

Fancy

His Children cannot be Fools; for Wit
begets Wit, although a Fool should be the breeder.

Longl

Good Mr. Aged, lock up your Daughter,
until I have sent my Son to Travel; for otherwise we
shall ruin our Posterities.

Lady Amorous

Madam, what makes you so fine to day? and not
only your person is finer, but your house is
finer trim’d and trickt, then usually it was; have you a
Servant to visit you to day?

L. Vertue

No, but I have a Master that is to come
out of the Country to day.

L. Amor

Who is your Master?

L. Vertue

My Husband, who comes home to day.

L. Amor

Do you make your self and your house so
fine only for your Husband?

L. Vertue

Only for my Husband, say you! Why,
he is the only Man that I desire to appear fine to;
and the only person I desire to please and delight.

M. Mediat

But Husbands take no notice of the
bravery of their Wives.

L. Vertue

Howsoever, it is the part of every good
wife to express, on all occasions, their Love and Respect
to their Husbands; in their absence to mourn, at their
return to rejoice, and in their Company to be best
pleased.

M. Mediat

Love, Respect and Duty, are only expressible
in Humors, Words and Service, and not in
Habit.

L. Vertue

But Joy is exprest in habit, as much as
mourning; witness Triumphs and Triumphant Shews;
and Triumphs of Joy, and Funerals, are not alike.

M. Mediat

All Noble Persons are buried in Triumphs.

L. Vertue

Indeed they are buried with Ceremony,
but it is such Ceremony as expresses Dolor, not Joy;
for they are followed with black Mourners, and weeping
eyes: But however, I endeavour to appear to my
Husband, at his returning home, like a gay and joyful
Bride, and not as a sad mourning Widow.

L. Amor

Let me not live, Lady Vertue, if you be
not the most simple Woman alive.

L. Vertue

In what?

L. Amor

First, That you can take pleasure in the
dull Company of a Husband; next, That you do not
delight your self with the Gallants of the Times; and
thirdly, That you do not only spoile your own Husband,
but all other Womens Husbands, with your example;
for which folly, you ought to be condemned by all our
Sex.

L. Vertue

If they condemn me for my Vertue, I
will despise them for their Vices.

L. Amor

But Vice is a Vertue in this age; ask
Madam Mediator else.

L. Vertue

What say you, Madam Mediator?

M. Mediat

I say, that Vice was never so confident
as it is now, nor never so glorified as it is now, nor P never P1v 54
never so beloved as it is now, nor never so practised as
it is now.

L. Amor

Well, since Vice is so beloved, and Vertue
despised, I will go to a merry Meeting. Come,
Madam Mediator, you’l make one, although Lady
Vertue will not.

Mimick

Monsieur Facil, I have tired my Legs, and worn
out the Soles of my Shooes to find you out, to
give you a Letter from the Lady Amorous.

Facil

I am sorry you have taken such pains.

Mimick

You may requite my pains when you
please; but here is the Letter.

Facil

Faithful Mimick! happy Facil! divine Lady!
delicious Letter!

Mimick

What delicious pleasure do you receive
in that Kiss, Monsieur Facil?

Facil

As much pleasure as Joy can give me.

What is this, a plain sheet of Paper! you Rogue, do
you abuse and cozen me?

Mimick

Did not you give me Ten pound to reward
my Knavery? for which I should be ungrateful,
should I not be a Knave to you; but yet you have
no reason to be angry for this unletter’d Paper, which
is the royall’st Kindness, and most generous Present, the
Lady could send you; for she has sent you a blank to
write down your own desires, demands, or condition
of agreement, love and friendship.

Facil

If it be so, I ask you Pardon, and will requite
your fidelity with Gold.

Mimick

I’le take your requital.

Facil

Pray go with me to my Lodgings, and there
I’le write in this white Paper, that came from the whiter
hands of my Mistress, my love and affections, and
you shall guide it unto her.

Mimick

You must ballace the Letter with Gold,
or otherwise it will be drown’d in the returning-
Voyage.

Facil

I will.

First Lady

Lady Amorous, Marriage has made you a boon
Companion.

L. Amor

I was a Novice before I married; but now I find P2v 56
I find that there is no pleasure, like Liberty, Mirth and
good Company.

1 Lady

You say true, Lady, for a Stoical life is
the worst life in the World.

2 Lady

But the Lady Vertue, and Sir W.William Sage live
the life of Stoicks.

L. Amor

The more Fools they; but my Husband
and I, live the life of Libertines; for he takes his pleasure,
and I take mine: Have you sent for Mr. Courtly?

2 Lady

Yes, there are at least half a score Messengers
sent one after another to invite him hither.

L. Amor

O Sir! you’re welcome, we were even now
a wishing for you to go abroad with us.

Court

I account my self happy, Ladies, that I am
come according to your wishes, as also to do you
service.

1 Lady

We did send a dozen Messengers for you.

Courtly

I did happily meet them, Madam.

1 Lady

But whether shall we go?

Courtly

Where you please, Lady; for I am ready
at your service.

2 Lady

Let us go to the Great Park.

L. Amor

No, let us go to the Fruit-Garden.

2 Lady

No faith, upon better Consideration, let us
stay and play at Cards.

L. Amor

That is dull; rather let us send for Fidlers,
and Dance.

1 Lady

We have not Men enough to dance, and
Mr. Courtly cannot dance with us all.

Courtly

I’le do my endeavour, Ladies.

2 Lady

No, let us hire a Barge, and row upon the
Water.

L. Amor

No, let us go and Sup at the Tavern at
the Bridg-foot; what say you, Mr. Courtly, will you
entertain us?

Courtly

Yes, Lady, as well as I can.

1 Lady

Let us go.

2 Lady

No, let us first draw lots, and let Fortune
decide the place of our Recreations.

L. Amor

Content; but which lot shall carry it?

1 Lady

The long lot.

2 Lady

The short lot.

1 Lady

I say the long lot.

L. Amor

Let the most Voices carry it.

Courtly

Ladies, if I might perswade you, it should
be at the Tavern at the Bridg-foot, and there you
shall have the best Meat, Wine and Musick, that place
affords.

All

Content, content.

Monsieur Adviser

Facil, how do you prosper in Loves Adventures?

Facil

More happily then I could imagine, for
she receives my Letters, and returns me Answers.

Adviser

Then you shall not need to despair, since
you have such encouragement.

Facil

No faith, for now I fear she will be kinder
then I would have her; for she has consented to a private
meeting.

Adviser

Whether away in such hast, Tom?

Take-pleas

Faith, Courtly has sent his Footman to me
in such hast, as the poor fellow is almost melted with
the heat he has with running, to bring me a note from
his Master, who writes to me, that of all love and
friendship I should speedily come to him, and to bring
half a dozen other Gentlemen with me to the Tavern,
to help him to entertain a Company of Ladies, otherwise
he shall die in their service; wherefore, prithee
Adviser, and Facil, go with me thither.

Facil

Faith, we cannot, for we have other business.

Take-pleas

The same answer I have had from a dozen
other Gentlemen, and cannot perswade any one to go;
wherefore, I fear my friend Courtly will be over-power’d
by those many Ladies.

Adviser

Why would Courtly engage himself to so
many Women?

Take-pleas

Alas, he could not help it; for they sent
so many Messengers to desire him to come to them, as
he was almost smother’d in the croud, so that he was
forced as it were, to go out in his own defence; but
he finds that the Company of Ladies is worse then the
number of Messengers, for he hath leaped out of the
Frying-pan into the fire.

Adviser

I confess Men can hardly avoid the Females,
and are more tormented with them then Beggars are
with Lice, or a Horse with Flies; for since the Wars,
numbers of Women do swarm about one Man, as
Bees about a honey-pot.

Take-pleas

I confess it, and I fear my Friend Courtly
will be devoured; wherefore, for Charity, go with me,
and help him in distress, and I’le engage that he and I
will do the like for either, or both of you.

Adviser

Upon that condition we are content; then
let us go with all speed

Merc

L. Fancy

Merc

L. Fancy

Sir William Sage

What are you studying your Play?

Mimick

Yes faith, I am getting some
speeches by heart.

Sir W. Sage

Let us hear some of them.

Mimick

I cannot speak like a Woman in Breeches
and Doublet, unless I have a Petticoat.

Maid

Madam, I come to know what shall be drest
for Supper?

Mimick

My Lady will fast and pray to night; wherefore,
lend me one of thy Petticoats.

Maid

What will you do with it?

Mimick

I’le not eat thy Petticoat, though it would
fry in its own grease, but I would use it another way.

Maid

What other way?

Mimick

Why, I will wear thy Petticoat over my
Breeches.

Maid

No, by my Faith, but you shall not; for
then my Petticoat and your Breeches may commit
Fornication.

Mimick

It were better our Clothes should commit
Fornication, then our Persons; but in my Conscience
our Clothes will be honest; but it is probable, that the R Fleas R1v 62
Fleas in your Petticoat, and the Fleas in my Breeches
may commit Fornication; and so our Clothes, or rather
our selves will be guilty of another such like Vertue,
as Fornication; which is, I shall be a Pimp, and you a
Bawd for the Adulterous Fleas; but howsoever I must
borrow thy Petticoat.

Maid

Would you have me lend you my Petticoat,
and stand my self naked?

Mimick

If you should, it would seem a deed of
Charity, to give thy Petticoat from off thee, to those
that want it; besides, you will appear like the Picture of
Eve in her state of Innocence; and when I have done
acting my part, of seeming a Woman, I will be like
Adam; and so we shall be both like our first Parents.

Maid

I’le see you hang’d in an Apple-tree, before
I lend you my Petticoat.

Mimick

Then I shall not need it, unless it be for
a shroud to lap me in; but rather then you will see me
hang’d, you will cut the cord or halter, although you
were sure to damn your Soul for the deed; but if thou
wilt lend me thy Petticoat, I will promise hereafter to
be thy Champion Knight, armed with thy Kitchin-
Vessels; thy Spit shall be my long Sword or Tuck, and
thy Dripping-pan my Target, thy Porridg-pot my
Head-piece, one of thy Pie-plates shall serve for a breastplate,
and a Buff-coat made of the smuddy skins of
Gammons of Bacon.

Maid

Upon that condition, to see you so armed, I will R2r 63
will lend you my upper-Petticoat, if my Master and
Lady will give me leave.

Mimick

Thou hast their leave; for I must act my
part for them to see me; and I had rather wear thy
upper-Coat, then thy under-Petticoat.

L. Vertue

Joan, help him to put it on.

Mimick

No, I will put it on my self, for she will
put it over my head, and I will put it under my feet,
for I had rather my feet should go thorough her Petticoat,
then my nose should be in her tayl, which will be, if I
put her Petticoat over my head.

Maid

You jeering Fool, you shall not have my
Petticoat to play the Fool with.

Mimick

You Slut, take your Coat again, for the
smell makes me sick, and suffocates my breath.

Maid

You are a lying fellow, for saying my Petticoat
stinks.

Mimick

Prithee Joan, be pacified; for I confess, my
smell is a foolish, nice, sickly smell; but for thy comfort,
many right Honourable, and right noble Persons love
the haut-goust of such Petticoats; but the perfume of
thy Petticoat, has spoiled the part of my Play; for it
hath put me quite out of the Amorous Speeches, I
should have rehears’d.

Sir W. Sage

But it is not so proper for a Woman
to speak Amorous Speeches, as for a Man; wherefore, speak R2v 64
speak some Amorous Speeches to Joan, as a Man in
your own Garments.

Mimick

But my Speech was to be spoken in the
absence of my Lover; complaining to the gods, and
imploring their favours to assist me to the sight of
my Love.

Sir W. Sage

That would have been rather as a Prayer,
then an Amorous Speech.

Mimick

No, no, I would have order’d my Speech
so as it should have been Amorous.

L. Vertue

Then I perceive we shall hear none of
your Play at this time.

Mimick

I have parts to act as a Man; which is to
address my self in a Courtly manner to some fine, fair,
sweet, young Lady.

L. Vertue

Imagine Joan such a Lady.

Mimick

My Imagination is not so powerful, as to
Metamorphose Joan in my Thoughts to such a Lady;
besides, Joan cannot answer a Man as she should.

Maid

You lie, you Rogue, for I have answer’d
better men then thou art, or ever wilt be.

Mimick

But can you talk Court-talks?

Maid

I know not what Court-talk is, but I can talk.

Mimick

Stand forth here, and I will court thee as a
Gallant doth his Mistress: Lady, your Beauty shines.

Maid

That is, because I wash’d it with some of the
Beef-broth, and wiped it with a greasie clout, I use to
wipe the dishes; otherwise, the great hot shining fire i’th’ Kitchin S1r 65
Kitchin would burn and parch it so dry, as it would
be scurvy, or scabby.

Mimick

Setting aside your basted, rosted face, I must
tell you, it is not the Courtly manner to interrupt a
Man in his speech; you must be silent until the end of
the Speech, and then speak; but you spoke when I had
not said above four words: hold your peace, and I’le
begin again.

Lady, your Beauty shineth like a blazing-Star, whereon
Men gaze, and in their Minds do wonder at the
sight; but the effects are not alike; your Beauty strikes
them not with fear, but Love; your frowns and smiles
are Destiny and Fate, either to kill or cure.

Maid

What Language is this, French or Dutch, or
Welch, or Irish, or Scotch!

Mimick

No, it is Greek and Hebrew.

Maid

Speak to me so, as I may understand you;
otherwise, I cannot answer you.

Mimick

Joan, thy face shines like a Sea-coal fire.

Maid

Why, doth it look red?

Mimick

Faith, thy Nose appears like a burning
coal, rak’d over with black ashes, but all thy face else
appears like the outside of a roasted Pig.

Maid

You are a roasted Ass, for saying my face appears
like the outside of a roasted Pig; my face is a face
of God’s own making, and not a Pig’s face.

Mimick

No, I know your face is a Sow’s face; but
I say the colour of your face is like the Coat of a
roasted Pig.

Maid

My face is as good a face as your own, without
any dispraise to the party.

Mimick

Which party? the Fools party, or the
Sluts party?

Maid

Well, for saying my face is like a Pig’s Coat,
i’faith when I roast a Pig again, you shall not have any
part of it; and let me give you warning, you come
not into the Kitchin; for if you do, I will fling a Ladle
full of Drippings upon your Fools Coat.

Mimick

O wo is me! I shall lose many a hot bit;
but Master and Lady, this is your fault to make Joan and
I fall out.

L. Vertue

We did not make you fall out.

Mimick

You commanded me to Court Joan, and
she doth not understand Courtships in words; for Joan
is used to be kiss’d, and not wooed; but I will go and
promise Joan a kiss, although I never pay it her; for
the more hungry she is, the better she’l feed me.

Monsieur Take-pleasure

Facil, I am come to fetch thee to the Horn-Tavern,
for there be a number of Good-fellows that want
thy Company.

Facil

Stay, stay; I must go and make a Cuckold
first.

Take-pleas

Thou hast made a Hundred in thy time.

Facil

But I must go and make one to day; for I
am going to meet a young beautiful Wife in private.

Take-pleas

Put off thy Meeting until another time.

Facil

That I cannot, I am so engaged; besides, she
is a Lady of Honour.

Adviser

Of Title you mean; for Ladies of Honour,
or Honourable Ladies, do not use to have private
Meetings with such wild deboist Men as thou art; and
if she be a Wife, as you say she is, it will be no great
honour for her Husband.

Facil

You speak as if you were a Married Man, and
were sensible of a Husbands disgrace.

Adviser

The truth is, I find I have a Commiseration
and Compassion for Married Men.

Facil

But not when you are to lie with any of their
Wives.

Adviser

I seldom make love to Married Wives; for
they are not worth the trouble and danger which a
Man must pass through before they can be enjoyed;
besides, a Man loses a great deal of time in Wooing
them, not but that they are as yielding, nay, more yielding
then Maids; but they are more fearful to venture,
lest their Husbands should know it.

Facil

Faith, Maids are more troublesome and chargable
then Wives; for they are apt to claim Marriage, or S2v 68
or to sue for maintenance at least; besides, their lying
in, and Christening, breeding and bringing up of their
Children, is an intollerable Charge; which charge is
sav’d with Married Wives; and for their Husbands,
they are contented to wink, not willing to see their disgraces,
at least not to divulge them.

Adviser

Not all; for some will look with more
eyes then their own, setting spies to watch them.

Facil

Those are old-fashioned Husbands, and not
Mode-Husbands.

Adviser