Sir Puppy Dogman

Monsieur Ass, you are the only person in the
whole World, I am ambitious to be acquainted
with.

M. Ass

I am your thrice humble servant, Sir Puppy.

Sir Puppy

I am informed you are the best drolling, A gulling, A1v 2
gulling, and Libel-wit in this Kingdom.

M. Ass

I confess my Genius hath been happy that
way.

Sir Puppy

That Genius would I learn, for it is the
only Genius that is in fashion amongst the Mode-Wits;
and it is reported, that you are the friend, and a confident
to the Mode-Wits.

M. Ass

I confess that I am not only a friend and a
confident, but a head of the Company of the Mode-
Wits.

Sir Puppy

They cannot be better headed then by an
Asse’s head; and therefore I desire to be one of the
Company; but pray you, inform me, Monsieur Ass,
what gulling-Wit is? for I am but newly come out
of the Country, and am unacquainted with the Wit
of the Town.

M. Ass

Gulling-Wit is lying Wit; and I will assure
you, Sir, it expresses much fancy to make lies.

Sir Puppy

Are those Poetical Fancies?

M. Ass

Hang Poetical Fancies, for they are Pictures
of Ideas in the Mind; but gulling-lies are to abuse the
Generality, by making of News, and several reports of
Peace, Wars, State-affairs of great Monarchs, and
their Councils, and so of all things, and of particular
persons.

Sir Puppy

And what is drolling and raillery Wit?

M. Ass

That sort of Wit is to rail of, and abuse
particular persons, under the pretence of Jesting.

Sir Puppy

Then what is Libel-Wit?

M. Ass

Libel-Wit is to defame great and Noble
Persons.

Sir Puppy

Monsieur Ass, you have infinitely obliged
me with your informations, for which I shall be
your eternal Servant.

M. Ass

I am your Slave, Sir Puppy Dogman.

Eagle

Is the Lady Phœnix come to Town?

Woodcock

No; but it is reported, that she is coming
to Town in such splendor, as the World never saw
the like.

Sparrow

Lord! how much splendor?

Woodcock

So much as will astonish all her Spectators.

Titmous

I cannot perceive what splendor she can
appear in to astonish all that behold her.

Eagle

I desire if any one of the Town know her,
to describe her to me.

Cricket

There are many that pretend to know her,
but I observe, they give such different Characters of her,
that makes me believe they do not know her?.

Eagle

Who are those that pretend to know her?

Cricket

Sir Blind-Buzzard is one, and the Lady Wasp
is another.

Eagle

You are welcome; I was sending for you, for
’tis said you two know the Lady Phœnix.

Buzzard

We never saw her, but we have seen them
that have seen her.

Eagle

I am told, that she is coming to this City in
such splendour, as the World never saw.

Buzzard

Your Ladiship is truly informed, for she is
clothed all with light, and the beams issuing from that
light, makes her train many miles long, which is held
up by the Planets; also, she is perfumed with all the
Spices in the East-Indies; her Chariot is made of air,
in the fashion of a Ship, and that airy Ship is gilded
with the Sun; She hath numerous Attendants; those
that usher her, are Blazing-Stars, and those that follow
her, are fiery Meteors.

Eagle

Doth the Ship hold all her Attendants?

Buzzard

Yes; for the Ship is bigger then the Great-
Soveraign.

Eagle

But the Great-Soveraign cannot hold all the
Planets.

Buzzard

Why, not as well as Noah’s Ark all sorts
of Beasts?

Eagle

Of what diet is she of?

Buzzard

She feeds only upon Thoughts.

Cricket

Pray, Sir Blind-Buzzard, give me leave to tell
you one thing, that if her train be many miles long, no
House can contain the length.

Wasp

But she hath an art to contract her beams
when she will.

Eagle

I desire much to see this Lady.

Wasp

When you see her, you will all dislike her.

Eagle

Why shall we all dislike her?

Wasp

By reason none of the Female Sex can endure
to see any thing fairer then themselves.

Eagle

Lady Monkey, did you ever see the Lady
Phœnix?

Monkey

No, Madam, but I hearing of a wonderful
Lady coming to this City, whose train spread so far
and long, as out of one Kingdom into another, came
as speedily as I could to this Company to know the
truth.

Buzzard

The truth is, her Train is but some few
miles long.

Monkey

I cry you mercy, Sir Blind-Buzzard, I did
not see you; it seems you know this Lady.

Buzzard

I do not know her, but I have heard of
her.

Monkey

So have I, which made me come hither to
know if the report was true, for all reports are not true.

Eagle

Monsieur Ass, did you ever see the Lady
Phœnix?

M. Ass

No, but I am credibly informed, that she
is as proud as Lucifer, she despises her Superiors, and
scorns her Inferiors.

M. Ass

But Sir Puppy Dogman can inform you what
she is.

Puppy

What who is?

M. Ass

The Lady Phœnix.

Sir Puppy

Hang her, for she is not Company for
a Dog.

Hornet

Do you know her?

Sir Puppy

No, but I have heard of her.

Sir Puppy

But Mr. Worm-man hath seen her; did
you never see the Lady Phœnix, Mr. Worm-man?

Worm-man

No truly, I did never see her; but one
Mrs. Dormouse, that serves the Lady Leverit, is well acquainted
with her, for she did serve her.

Eagle

Madam Leverit, we are informed that your
Maid Dormouse hath served the Lady Phœnix.

Dormouse

Yes, Madam, I served her many years.

Eagle

Of what Nature, Disposition and Conversation
is she?

Dormouse

She is of a studious nature, in a retired
life, ever retireing from much Company, and of a
careless humour, not regarding what the World says,
or doth; in Company she is of a free Disposition, and
an airy Conversation; she is civil to strangers, kind to
acquaintances, bountiful to her servants, and charitable
to the poor; also, she is humble to those that are respectful,spectful, B2r 7
but severe to those that are rude.

M. Ass

Surely Mrs. Dormouse, you slept all the
time you serv’d her; for certainly she is the proudest
Creature alive.

Dormouse

She may chance to seem proud to an
Ass, and vain to a Buzzard; but otherwise, she is as one
of her quality ought to be.

Lord Bearman

Monkey

Bearman

Monkey

Bearman

Sir Puppy

Monkey

Sir Puppy

Sir Politick Fox[Speaker label not present in original source]

The Lady Leverit is a rich Widow, but a dull
Melancholy Lady; which humour is best befitting,
and most agreeable to a studious Politician; but let her
humour be merry or sad, I care not, for ’tis her
Riches that I covet.

Fox

O dear friend, Mr. Worm-man! have you made
any enquiry about the rich Widow, the Lady Leverit?

Worm-man

I have not only enquired, but I have
spied out another Lover of hers, which is Monsieur
Satyr.

Foxman

A Pox on Monsieur Satyr; but surely she
will never entertain a Satyr.

Worm-man

That may be a question; for though
Satyrs for the most part wooes in a crabed, and harsh
stile; yet for the most part they are well beloved of
Ladies.

Fox-man

But do you think she will marry him?

Worm-man

I cannot judge, because many Women,
especially Widows, marry, as you would marry,
for Interest, not for Love; besides, many Women
have Lovers for their use, and marry Husbands for
their abuse.

Fox-man

But when I am married, I will keep her
from abusing me.

Worm-man

If you have that Art, it is an Art that
only you, and no other man, hath as yet found out;
but the best way is to woo her, and then wed her if
you can.

Fox-man

I shall take your Counsel; but pray you
advise me whether I should woo her in Verse, or in
Prose?

Worm-man

Certainly the best way is to woo her
in Prose; for I never heard that ever a subtle Politician
was ever a good Poet.

Fox-man

Well, your advice, dear friend, I will
follow: But let me ask your advice once more, which
is, Whether I shall first present my affection in a Letter,
before I speak to her in person.

Worm-man

Truly, my advice is, That you shall
send her a Letter; for Ladies take great delight to read
Love-Letters; besides, it proves you will be constant,
when your affections are declared under your hand and
seal: But why do you, a Politician, ask advice?

Fox-man

Because Politicians require information;
But how shall my Letter be delivered?

Worm-man

I am well acquainted with Mrs. Dormouse
her Maid, and I will deliver the Letter to her,
and she’l present it to her Lady.

Bear-man

Sir Politick Fox-man, my dear and obliging
friend, how do I love thee! for thou art the most
meritorious person in the whole World.

Fox-man

I am your Lordships most humble servant;
and I wish it was in my power to serve so great
a person as you are; I perceive your Lordship is for
the Court to day, you are so accoutred.

Bear-man

Although I am not for the Court, yet
I am for Courtship.

Fox-man

I perceive your Lordship is a Lover.

Bear-man

I should be otherwise out of the mode;
but the Ladies do so flock about me, since I have put
my self into the mode, and do so Court me, as I cannot
have time to make a particular Courtship.

Fox-man

Your Lordship is a happy man.

Bear-man

Faith, if happiness be to have the love of
many Ladies, I am happy; but I have one Lady that I
value and love above all the rest, and I hope she will
love me now I am in the mode.

Fox-man

Surely your Lordship cannot be more
modified then you are.

Bear-man

Not for Clothes; but I fear I have not
the right Mode in behaviour and speech; but I will go and
visit my Mistress, and see if she approves of me.

Puppy

O Sir Politick Fox! I have a quarrel with you.

Fox-man

With me, Sir Puppy! it cannot be, for I am
your vassal, your slave, and do study all the ways to
serve you; and assure your self you shall find me as faithful
in all your employments, or concerns, as any friend
you have.

Puppy

I cannot but believe you, if I be in the
Mode, which is to be a self-conceited Puppy: But prithee
tell me, am I not a Mode-Gallant?

Fox-man

No doubt but you out-mode all the Gallants
in the Town, as far as I see, in behaviour and
accoutrements.

Puppy

Yes, but I am more modified then so; for I have
been at a Coffee-house, and a Tavern, and have entertained
a Mistress, and in a short time I hope I shall
be able to brag, not only of several Lady-Mistresses,
but that I have the Pox.

Fox-man

These modes I fear will be both chargable
and unhealthful.

Puppy

They are no Moders that regard health, or
expences; but I will tell you, that there is another Mode
that I must learn, which is to defame great Ladies, not
only in private discourse, but in publick Lampoons, or
else I shall not, when I am poor, get young Puppys
like my self to pay my score, or for my lodging; nor
shall I borrow one peny, neither shall I be cry’d up
for a Wit.

Fox-man

But these Modes are Modes for inferior
persons, not such persons of quality as you are.

Puppy

Nay faith, in this age there is no difference
between the noble and base; but if there be, ’tis to the
advantage of the mean and base persons; but fare you
well, for I must go to a Mistress and dissemble in Complements,
and then I shall be an absolute Mode-gallant;
for there is no art so much practised in this age, amongst
all sorts and degrees of men, as dissembling.

Fox-man

Lord! Lord! what an age is this for Fools!

Fox-man

What makes your quick return?

Worm-man

A quick dispatch.

Fox-man

Have you deliver’d my Letter?

Worm-man

Yes, and have brought you an answer. “‘Letter. Sir Politick, I have received your affectionate Letter, and I shall
willingly hear your Suit, and if it be reasonable, grant your
request, being more then an ordinary friend and your humble
Servant,S. Leverit.’”

Fox-man

Dear friend, this Letter is more then I
could hope for, in so short a time.

Worm-man

Now she is in a wise humour, towards a
wise Politician, go immediately and woo her.

Fox-man

I will take your Counsel, dear friend.

Sir Puyppy Dogman

Lady, I should have come sooner to have sacrificed
my self and all my fortunes to your service; but
that I had lent my Coach and six Horses to a Friend.

Monkey

He was not your Friend if he kept you
from your Mistress.

Puppy

I confess I was infinitely displeased, in being
hindred from the Cœlestial prospect of your beauty.

Bear-man

Madam, are you for a Play? or Court?
or High-Park to day? if you be, I, as the humblest of
your Servants, will attend upon you.

Puppy

I have offer’d the Lady Monkey my Coach
and six Horses before you came.

Bear-man

It was your duty so to do; but yet my
Coach and six Horses is to be prefer’d before yours, being D2r 15
being a Lords Coach, and six Horses; neither ought
such as you to have a Coach and six Horses.

Puppy

A Gentleman is as good as a Lord; and so I
am as good as you.

Bear-man

Go, go, and enquire of the Herauld of our
Pedigrees.

Puppy

No, a Herauld cannot decide our quarrel, but
this Sword shall maintain my honour, and decide the
dispute.

Monkey

Pray do not fight here in my house, to
fright me with your quarrels.

Bear-man

Do not fear our fighting; but if we did
not quarrel in the presence of our Mistress, we should
not be right in the Mode.

Puppy

But I shall call your Lordship to a strict account.

Monkey

Pray be friends; for it is the Mode for many
Lovers to agree, and be dear and loving friends.

Bear-man

That Mode of many Lovers is a Matrimonial
Mode, as the Lovers of a Married Wife; but not
the lovers of a young and virtuous Virgin.

Puppy

My Lord Bear-man tells you true; wherefore,
we must fight.

Monkey

I desire you, as you love me, not to fight.

Puppy

’Tis against the Laws of Nature, for a Bearman
and a Dogman to be friends.

Monkey

Bears seldom assault the Dogs, but Dogs
assault the Bears; and for the most part have the worst; for D2v 16
for many Dogs are kill’d by one Bear, but seldom a Bear
is kill’d, although assaulted by many Dogs at once;
wherefore, I pray Sir Puppy do not fight.

Puppy

I shall obey you, dear Madam; and being so
infinitely obliged, give me leave to kiss your hand.

Bear-man

Madam, you have given a just cause both
to quarrel and fight.

Monkey

Pray have patience; for ’tis the Mode amongst
Ladies to give their hand to one man, and their heart
to another man.

Worm-man

Now you have been with the rich
Widow, pray tell us the success of your Wooing, or
Courtship?

Fox-man

Faith, I have had as good success as I
could desire; for she hath entertained me civilly, and
hath promised me kindly to grant all my reasonable
desires.

Worm-man

But reason is seldom regular in Lovers.

Bear-man

Yes, when in cases of Interest, but not in
cases of Appetite.

Worm-man

But Appetite is for the most part prevalent
with ignorant Virgins, but not with experienced
Widows.

Fox-man

Are they gone?

Worm-man

Yes.

Fox-man

Ill luck go with them.

Worm-man

They might have had some misfortune,
for it was in your power to have disturbed their
Courtship.

Fox-man

How could have I disturbed them?

Worm-man

Why, you might have fought with
him, and have shew’d your valour to your Mistress,
and perchance have been revenged of your Rival, by
killing him.

Fox-man

So I should have proved my self a Fool,
instead of a Politician, for there is hazard in fight, whether
to kill or be kill’d; and if I be kill’d, I shall be soon
forgotten, and my enemy will have the reputation to
be the more skilful, and valianter Dueller; and if I
kill my opposite, I may lose my estate; besides, it was
never heard nor known, that great and subtil Politicians
were valiant, and seldom that ever any Politician did
fight, were it upon necessity, which the greatest Cowards
will do.

Worm-man

Then Politicians will never get a Mistress
from a Heroick Cavalier.

Fox-man

I confess it were a difficult business if Politicians
had not more subtilty to get, then valour to
fight: But give me leave to tell you, That Politicians
undermine Valour, as you do a tall and magnificent
Tree, or a sweet flower; wherefore, I make no question
but to undermine that sweet Lady and her Cavalier.

Worm-man

I wish you may; but if your policy
fails, you will lose the rich Widow.

Fox-man

Never fear.

Leverit

Lady Monkey, you have prevented me, for
I was going to visit your Ladiship, I only stay’d for
Monsieur Satyr to usher me.

Monkey

I hear Monsieur Satyr is your Servant, and
that there is an intended match between you.

Lever

I desire your advice in the choice of a Husband,
for I have many Suiters, but the number confounds my
Choice; wherefore I desire your assistance, to help me in
my Choice.

Monkey

I shall give the best advice I can, if you declare
to me, who are your Suiters.

Lever

My Suiters are Sir Politick Fox, Monsieur Satyr,
Monsieur Ass, and Sir Puppy Dogman.

Monkey

Is Sir Puppy Dogman your Suiter?

Lever

Yes, and so earnest a Suiter he is, that he will not
let me rest in quiet.

Monkey

It seems Sir Puppy Dogman is a false dissembling
man, for he Courts me with as many professions
of love, as any man in the World can do.

Squirrel

If it please your Honour, that is usual with
Mode-Gallants to Court all the Ladies they discourse
with, and not only the Ladies, but the Ladie’s Maids.

Monkey

Did he ever Court you?

Squirrel

As much as your Ladiship, for when you
are out of the way, he hunts me from room to room.

Lever

I do believe Mrs. Squirrel, for I have heard
my Maid Dormouse say, That Monsieur Satyr would
not let her sleep in quiet.

Monkey

If Mode-Gallants be of such a various
humour, I will never marry a Mode-Gallant.

Squ

Then your Honour will not have a Mode-Husband.

Monkey

Why, do Mode-Husbands love Variety?

Squirrel

I know not whether they love Variety, but
they Court many Women; for Mode-Husbands are
for the most part Wittals, and they Court many Women
to hide their disgrace.

Lever

Mrs. Squirrel speaks true, for my Husband Sir
Horn-buck, was a Wittal, and he would court all the heard
of Females he met with; and the truth is, that Mode-
Husbands are the best Husbands, by reason they suffer
their Wives to be Courted.

Squ

Then surely Mr. Ass will be an excellent Husband.

Monkey

I am of your opinion, Squirrel.

Lever

Then I will leave the Satyr, Foxman, and Dogman,
and chuse Monsieur Ass.

Squirrel

In truth Monsieur Ass is a fine Gentleman,
and is the greatest Wit in the Town.

Leverit

You are welcome Monsieur Ass, we were
speaking of you.

Ass

It is an honour for me to be mentioned by
fair Ladies; and if you please sweet Ladies to let me
usher your splendorous Beauties to a Play, I shall account
my self the happiest Man alive.

Monkey

Can you usher our Beauties without our
Persons, Monsieur Ass.

Ass

No Madam, for your Beauties and Persons are
inseperably joyn’d together.

Monkey

The Fates forbid that my Person should last
no longer then my Beauty, for then I am sure to have
but a short life: But what Play is it that you would
usher us to?

Ass

To a Mode-Play.

Monkey

Mode-Plays are all Rhime, and no reason,
or all Action and no Wit.

Ass

To tell you the truth Lady, I am the Author
of the Play that is acted to day.

Monkey

If you be the Author, Monsieur Ass, surely
the Play is an excellent Play; wherefore, Lady Leverit
let us go and see this Play, that is of Monsieur Ass’s
making.

Leverit

Content.